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[puppylifejournal]

I cancelled the physical therapy appointment. I cannot miss the next one, but this is causing more suffering than it is worth. I could try doing the daily exercises to get used to it. I wanna cry, I've gotten close a lot today. My stomach hurts, I need to stop drinking beer, even the little amounts I do.

It is a good thing that I was willing to cancel the appointment. I can't really articulate why, but I know it is. Rose taught me that. I love her a lot.

[puppylifejournal]

Two weeks before I move out from my parents for the first time.

It's currently 6:35AM for me. I haven't slept yet, and I have physical therapy in less than 6 hours now.

I likely would recover a lot quicker if I actually did my exercises outside of physical therapy sessions. I don't. I can't get myself to. I spend 30 dollars every session and have made slower progress than I could have. That thought hurts.

I won't be going to physical therapy once I move, and it'll save me around 135 dollars a month on average. If I cut it down to 2 sodas a day, I'll save around 150. If I eat out less, I'll save somewhere around 100 to 200. These will all be painfully difficult changes.

I'll need to cut myself off from something I like during a stressful time, I'll need to force myself to cook, I'll need to do exercises myself.

Even further, I'll need to do weightlifting, and even using the rowing machine I got and have used all of once. I feel useless and stupid, and I hope I can get myself to do all of that.

It's so impossible to predict any and all changes that could possibly and will happen to me after the move. I'll be alone for a month in a town I've been to all of once for less than two hours. I'd ask why I do this to myself but that would be a disingenuous question. I want to escape, and I want to do it now. I force things once the idea gets in my head, and this time I had the support and resources to force it through and actually have a decent shot at it going well.

I feel numb.

My stupid weird migraine issues keep happening, but maybe less so. It's a process of small good decisions often, which I suck at most of the time but have gotten better at recently due to Rosie.

I really love her and she has helped me in ways I won't understand fully for years if ever.

I've slept terribly for several days and now I'm eating the consequences. I must have played Minecraft for 8 hours today. I fucking hate myself sometimes. I might make a video out of it to justify this clearly avoidant behavior and it'll probably perform well, and that will probably reinforce that I can turn my stupid fucking immaturity into art forever and never need to grow so long as I can pretend I'm self reflecting.

I make slop disguised as proper art and when I make something good it does notably worse. My most popular video is the one that appeals to fucking nostalgia, and I bank on that constantly in my other videos too. I didn't change at all, I just make better dribble for the common denomenator to play on their second monitor to feel like they're being stimulated. Folding Ideas talked about everything I did 6 years before I did it. I can never catch up to the curve, I can just copy people I like and hide it as something original. And yet, despite my anxiety, I'll almost certainly be able to do this for years. I'll be stunted as a person and monetize it, even if I do grow I'll turn my old self into a static personality to use for profit since multiple parts of my true self don't appeal widely.

I want to make that Minecraft video as a punishment for anyone who watches me. I want them to be exposed to something so raw that they feel gross for engaging in it. I want them to feel like they're participating in my suffering. I don't even know why.

I've wasted another 17 minutes writing this. I'll get even less sleep. I need to call so many fucking people and places tomorrow. I might have to fill out stupid forms. It'll be slow and boring and I will sit there unable to do anything else. How stupid. How pointless.

If the test strips show as clear when I go to the apartment, I won't believe it. I know I won't. I didn't trust the pipes at the rental home. I didn't even remember that until recently because I push every little thing down. I disgust myself.

For this video I'm gonna write and talk like Folding Ideas because I watched hours of his stuff recently. That's what I do. The video will probably do well. What a fucking joke.