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cecilspeaks · 7 years ago

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116 - Council Member Flynn, Part 3

Good hidden recording devices make good neighbors. Welcome to Night Vale.

Council member Tamika Flynn announced today that she’s pretty comfortable doing this whole City Council thing, now that Night Vale is completely crime free. She announced this standing atop an onyx pyramid, waving a golden scepter. Mayor Dana Cardinal responded that while crime is clearly down, budgets for the new fiscal year have not been completed, and Night Vale is showing a marked financial loss this quarter, due in large part to strict evening curfews. She announced this silently into her journal, which she plans to publish as a scathing memoir some day.

Sheriff Sam announced that the increased number of Secret Police officers has really had a positive impact on crime, but most of the police force now is volunteer or underpaid, and grossly unqualified. It’s basically a bunch of random citizens with makeshift weapons carved out of tree branches or fashioned from broken blade-based kitchen appliances. The Sheriff noted that management of council member Flynn’s citizen patrols has greatly impeded the capture of both the serial robber and the escaped librarian. Sheriff Sam quietly grumbled this into their bathroom mirror before finally putting on makeup and facing their day.

Council member Flynn later said she received a postcard from the rest of City Council, who has been vacationing in Milstigan the past month. On the front of the postcard was a serene lake nestled among tall pines and speckled with herrings and fishing boats. Above the lake were eight Black Hawk helicopters, dangling each of the letters of the state name: M-I-B-S-T-I-C-A-N. On the back, the City Council had written: “Saw an article that Night Vale has the lowest crime rate. Guess you’re doing fine without us and we don’t need to come back.” The postcard continued: “We learned how to kayak and we bought a professional grade DSLR and learned to tie sailing knots. Michelin is awesome! Maybe we won’t ever come back. Maybe we are not wanted.”

Council member Flynn said she wrote them back a postcard which she taped to a giant scorpion that read: “Yeah, I’ve got this under control. Happy apple picking.”

Night Vale coroner Lorelei Alvarez issued her report today on the autopsy of the two bodies found at the green market co-op, which burned down last month in an apparent robbery-arson. These bodies are believed to be those of green market owner Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camilla, a business student at Night Vale Community College. Alvarez, however, said that without dental records for the Cortezes, she can’t be certain that these bodies are theirs. The bodies had almost no burns on them, despite being found in a building leveled by fire. There were also no gunshot wounds. Alvarez said, “These two bodies were wearing 19th century formal attire and had apparently been pecked to death by birds.” She added she had not ruled out that birds could have committed robberies, nor that the Cortez family had an anachronistic fashion sense. Alvarez added with a grin that she’s also gotten a few bodies that had been mostly devoured by the escaped librarian. She said it’s fascinating that librarians tend to eat only bones and ligaments, and not flesh or skin. So most of these corpses looked like rumpled soft leather sacks, which makes them much easier to store. Alvarez has so much more free space in her office now and has added a tetherball pole.

And now sports. Tonight, the Night Vale High School Scorpions take on division rival Red Mesa Ant Carpenters in varsity wheelchair basketball. This afternoon, there will be a pep rally led by team captain Janice Palmer. Also she’s my niece. The team captain is my niece. Councilwoman Tamika Flynn will also deliver a speech at the pep rally about the importance of teamwork and fighting crime with sports. Also, the importance of books. “Did you know there are books about sports?” is the title of Flynn’s speech. Flynn also requested, for reasons having to do with public safety, that the pep rally be moved away from the high school to the Old Night Vale armory, and that every person there stand exactly two feet apart and bring some type of shield and/or sharp object that could be used to fend off robbers or librarians. The pep rally is at noon. Go get’em, Janice!

Listeners, Mayor Cardinal and her director of emergency press conferences, Pamela Winchell, have called an emergency press conference to denounce the City Council’s poor efforts to sustain the integrity and stability of Night Vale. Mayor Cardinal dismissed the City Council’s – essentially Tamika Flynn’s – curfew as virtually meaningless, now that more than half of the population is on the citizen patrol force. “We basically have a town of municipally approved armed vigilantes walking around at all hours of the night.” Winchell seconded the Mayor’s point by adding: “Why do I video myself sleeping? What am I hoping to discover? What secrets does my body whisper when I am unconscious?”

Also, the president of the Night Vale school board, the giant glowing cloud who drops dead animals, made an impassioned speech in support of the Mayor via mind control. The entire crowd chanted: “All hail the mighty Cloud who wants the lowly City Council to pass a budget that favors increased spending on education! We grovel before the almighty Cloud! How hard can it be to make a human budget? All hail!” they repeated.

The Mayor said she’s received many letters from people claiming they have lost their jobs as waiters, cab drivers, theatre managers and costumed superheroes because of the strict curfews. Night Vale Community host Cecil Palmer also announced today, live on his radio show, right now, that the curfew has been super productive for his TV watching, as he has already burned through every HBO and Showtime series. Plus all of “Difficult People” on Hulu, which features his second favorite actor, James Urbaniak. My favorite is, of course, Lee Marvin – may his name ring forever in eternity.

Palmer added, at this very second, that while he’s caught up on a lot of good television and is very excited for the new season of the documentary series “Stranger Things”, he and his husband are getting a little stir crazy. There are only so many games of strip Uno a couple can play before they just wanna go out for a nice dinner and maybe a romantic stroll in the park. Councilwoman Flynn was not available for comment, although a sign above her locked office door said: “Quiet, reading a book on how to do financial spreadsheets”.

Listeners, I mentioned earlier my niece Janice and how proud I am of her for captaining her school’s basketball team. But I’m also a bit worried about her too. She looks perpetually exhausted. In the preseason tournament, she led all players in assists. She did everything she could to win games, but they just couldn’t quite do it. Her statistics bear this out, but still she’s taken on so much responsibility for the team’s losses. Her Dad and team assistant coach, Steve Carlsberg, says Janice has increased her practice time to increase her fantastic passing skills, hoping to at least double the number of assists she gets. But Steve says that despite her better skills and more focused demeanor during practice, her team mates just aren’t hitting their shots when she passes to them. She throws them the ball shouting: “Shoot it! You’re open, Julie!” But they miss over and over, even the ones named Julie.

Steve is trying to convince her to work more on her defense and shooting, that assists aren’t everything. But Janice got frustrated with this and called Steve selfish. “Assists are the most unselfish thing, Steve Carlsberg!” she shouted before leaving the gym to pout by her locker earlier this morning. “Maybe I should just quit,” Steve heard her mumble. You know, I’m sure it’s just a teenager fighting with her stepdad, and she’ll be all ready to go for today’s pep rally. Which is set to start in a few minutes. I’ll check in with her later tonight to make sure she’s doing OK.

Councilwoman Tamika Flynn has arrived early for today’s pep rally to deliver a brief statement about vigilance, self-preservation, and keeping our town crime free. Even though there’s a librarian on the loose, and our Sheriff has yet to catch the serial robber, our streets are super safe,” Flynn said. “I read a book this morning about how low crime rates are excellent for local economies. The book is ‘Lonesome Dove’ by Larry McMurtry, in case you’re interested.” “Look around you,” she continued, “no one here is being crimed upon, because we are protecting each other. We are watchful and observant.” “As my father once warned,” Tamika Flynn said, “beware the robot uprising! Beware the machines that will bring us down! That’s what he always told me before bed, and we must heed this words, Night Vale. At any moment, a great enemy could be upon us.” Tamika then said: “Hey, it’s after 12. Aren’t we supposed to start this pep rally? I’m in the middle of Greg Harvey’s literary masterpiece and winner of the Man Booker Price, ‘Microsoft Excel for Dummies’, so let’s make this quick. I’m really into that book,” she concluded.

But the crowd murmured, confused and agitated. The captain of the team was not there. And as they looked for the pep rally’s leader, the bearer of the basketball torch, my niece, my only niece – the stage began to shake, the earth began to split, and smoke and dust are currently filling the Night Vale armory in choking plumes. Oh my god, Night Vale, where’s Janice? Where is my niece?

Listen to today’s weather while I find out where she is.

[“Animal Skin” by Bryan Dunn]

The rest of the City Council has returned to Night Vale. They burrowed through the earth and up through the floor of the armory where the pep rally was being held. They apologized for the dramatic and destructive entrance, but their flight out was really turbulent and there was no meal service. So they thought they’d take the slower, but more comfortable route home. The multi-limbed, multi-voiced, single-bodied entity of the City Council was wearing a T-shirt that said: “Mitchigan – America’s sexiest forests”, featuring little cartoon tees with ribbed abs and bubble butts. The City Council then presented two people whose hands were bound with ropes, tied off tight with perfect bowline nuts. It was Tristan Cortez and his daughter, Camilla. The City Council said they found the Cortezes while rock climbing. According to the City Council, Camilla had devised an insurance scam, which Tristan set up by committing a series of small armed robberies around Night Vale, to make the robbery and the subsequent arson of their new store more believable. They stole two bodies from the old cemetery, which flooded last month, and laid those in the burned-out husk of their former market to fake their deaths. Camilla created a fake ID for a sister she didn’t have, named Tamilla, who lived in Mistrigen, where they planned to live out life bird watching and parasailing in the paradise of America’s most hand shaped state. The City Council laid out this entire plot, as they presented Sheriff Sam with the two fraudsters. Then the City Council turned to their newest member, Tamika Flynn and said, “We also completed the new city budget,” as they dropped a six-inch high stack of papers, like it was a mic at a poetry slam.

And even better, listeners: Janice finally arrived. We found her! After the City Council made their speech, the basketball team captain stepped to the mic and said she was running late today because she was practicing so hard to be a better passer, to have more assists, to be empirically the best team mate that the league record books have ever seen. But then, just this morning after a fight with her stepdad, she realized she was wrong. “You can’t measure leadership,” Janice said. “I’ve been so worried about that one number, that one datum that seems so selfless. But the act of pursuing that number is in itself selfish.” Janice said, “I can’t do this all on my own. I can’t expect everyone else to score thinking I’m being helpful. Each one of us has a different skill set, and as your captain, I want you to be great at scoring, defense, rebounding, whistling, and the occasional hex – the five pillars of sound basketball. So let’s get out there and beat Red Mesa!”

The crowd cheered and joined together to sing the Night Vale school song, “You Walk with Me, You Walk Alone under an Indifferent Dust-filled Sky”.

Tamika then spoke. She stood before her fellow citizens, her constituents, and said: “I want the best for all of us, I really do. I’m new at this, and the one thing I know how to do well, really well, is fight, and I want that for everyone. Also read, I’m awesome at reading. I want that for you too. Government jobs are weird because you can’t really fight a lot of crime. You mostly do paperwork and have meetings and scan retinas. Government is evasive and stupid and slow, and it’s because there are so many people it has to account for. And I realize it takes lots of time and lots of people to change. I just want this to change. I want us to feel safe. I also want to finish this amazing novel about Microsoft Excel, it is so compelling.”

At the behest of Tamika Flynn, the City Council voted unanimously to lift the town-wide curfew. And restaurants have already began to reopen, as well as theaters, public parks, clothing stores and bloodstone circle repair shops. Even the library has reopened with plans to renovate the security gates and triple barred cages that keep the librarians safely away from society. And with the return of library activities, escaped librarian Dan McDowell even returned to his former job, promising not to eat anyone else, unless they were trying to check out a book. The City Council also voted to keep all the city buildings painted blood red, because quote, “That’s intimidating AF.” And then they tried to vote to change the town motto to “Night Vale – Intimidating AF”. But it lost by a single deciding vote, which belonged to Tamika, who said we should pace ourselves. She then quoted Jean-Jacques Rousseau: “Patience is bitter, buts its fruit is mad sweet, like a swole grape.”

Sheriff Sam praised the City Council for capturing these criminals. Mayor Cardinal praised the City Council, too, but she added praise specifically for Tamika Flynn. Mayor Cardinal said, “I’m proud of you, Councilwoman Flynn. I did not agree with your tactics, but I think your heart is in the right place. It will take time, but we can do this.” Tamika accepted the Mayor’s kind words and a comforting embrace, and then returned to her office to finish her novel about spreadsheets.

Night Vale, Janice and Tamika are growing up before our eyes, and I couldn’t be prouder of either. But more importantly, I couldn’t be more excited to get out of the house! Carlos and I are headed straight to dinner at the Shallow Grave, and then going dancing at that new club, Numb, which opened up mere minutes after the curfew was lifted.

Stay tuned next to the sound of two men putting on just the most vicious outfits.

Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: We are all (an elite few) in this (a secret underground emergency bunker) together (on our own without public knowledge).

#welcome to night vale #wtnv transcripts #episode 116 #council member flynn #council member flynn part 3

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kylecow · 7 years ago

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Euphemisms for Male Masturbation

You know them, you love them...but you don't know ALL of them. Here are some great ways of talking about masturbation without actually saying masturbation. Some are funny. Some are strange. But hey, aside from performing the act itself, reading this list is the most entertaining thing you'll do today.

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abetting a known felon

Applying the hand brake

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior

Audition your hand puppet

Backstroke roulette

Badgering the witness

Barking up the wrong tree

Bash the candle

Basting the ham

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger

Being rough with the sex stick

Be your own best friend

Beat the bishop

Beat the bologna

Beat the dummy

Beat the meat

Beat the pud

Beat the stick

Beat up your date

Beef tips stroking off

Bleed the weed

Blow your own horn

Bludgeon the beefsteak

Bop the bologna

Bop the bonzo

Box the Jesuit

Box with Richard

Brushing up on your typing skills

Buff the banana

Bugger your hand

Building upper-body strength

Burp the baby

Burp the worm

Butter the corn

Calling down for more mayo

Calling in the secret service

Caning the vandal

Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile

Charm the snake

Check for testicular cancer

Cheese off

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come

Clamp the pipe

Clean your rifle

Cleaning out your account

Clear the snorkel

Climb the tree

Closet Frisbee

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Combing your hair

Communing with nature

Consulting with your silent partner

Corral your tadpole

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crank the shank

Crimp the wire

Crown the king

Crushing pop cans in the dark

Cuddle the kielbasa

Cuff the carrot

Daisy-chaining

Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters

Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters

Debugging the hard drive

Defrosting the fridge

Digital penile oscillation

Discovering your own potential

Distributing free literature

Do handiwork

Do it your way

Do the janitor thing

Do the white knuckler

Doing your homework

Drain the monster

Dry humping the ottoman

Eating grapes with the one-armed man

Electing the President

Engage in safe sex

Exercise one's right

Exercising your right to privacy

Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love

Feed the ducks

Feeding bologna to the Smurfs

Feeling your way around

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fishing with dynamite

Fist your mister

Five knuckle shuffle

Flick your Bic

Fling your phallus

Flip the bishop

Flipping your omelet

Flog the bishop

Flog the dolphin

Flog the dong

Flog the log

Flog the mule

Flogging the egg man

Fly fishing

Fondle your flagpole

Free Willy

Frost the pastries

Frosting your maple bar

Frying up the corndog

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion

Get a date with Slick Mittens

Get the German soldier marching

Get to know yourself

Get your pole varnished

Give it a tug

Give your low five

Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money

Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh

Go blind

Go on a date with Fisty Palmer

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Go the blow

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head Submitted by Jake W.

Goose the gherkin

Grease the pipe

Greasing the three-legged cow

Hand job

Hard labor

Have one off the wrist

Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college

Hitchhike to heaven

Hitchhike underneath the big top

Hitting too close to home

Hoisting your own petard

Hold the bishop

Hold the sausage hostage

Holding your own

Hone the cone

Honk your horn

Hosing down the driveway

Hotfooting it to the nearest exit

Hug the hog

Hump your hose

Investing in pork bellies

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jack hammer

Jazz yourself

Jerk Jamby

Jerk the gherkin

Left to your own devices

Letting the cat out of the bag

Liquidating the inventory

Locking the bathroom door

Look for ticks

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne

Lope the mule

Love the Muppet

Love's labors lost

Lubricating the love monkey

Make a foreskin cone

Make instant pudding

Make the bald man puke

Making a cash withdrawal

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Making it up as you go along

Making magic with leftovers

Making soup

Making the bald man cry

Making the bread rise

Making the world safe for democracy

Mangle the midget

Manipulate the mango

Manual labor

Manual override

Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock

Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters

Milk the lizard

Milk the moose

Milk the self

Mount a corporal and four

Much goo about nothing

Nerk your throbber

Null the void

Oil the glove

Onan's olympics

One gun salute

One man band

One-night-stand with yourself

Opening the flood gates

Pack your palm

Paddle the pickle

Paint the ceiling

Paint the pickle

Painting the flag pole

Painting the picket fence

Palm the calm

Paying at the turnpike

Peel the banana

Perform diagnostics on your man tool

Pet the lizard

Pip the pumpkin

Play a little five-on-one

Play a one-stringed guitar

Play five against one

Play in a one-man show

Play peek-a-boo

Play pocket pinball

Play pocket pool

Play tag with the pink torpedo

Play the skin flute

Play tug-o-war with Cyclops

Play Uno

Playing it safe

Playing the one-stringed melody

Playing the single-string air guitar

Plugging in the toaster

Plunk your twanger

Polish Percy in your palm

Polish the family jewels

Polish the helmet

Polish the rocket

Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter

Polish the sword

Pound off

Pound the bald-headed moose

Pound the pud

Pound your flounder

Pounding the fence post

Prepare the carrot

Prime the pump

Pull rank

Pull the bologna pony

Pull the carrot

Pull the goalie

Pull the pole

Pull the Pope

Pull the pud

Pull your own leg

Pull your taffy

Pulling your own weight

Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap

Pump the python

Pump the stump

Punch the clown

Punch the munchkin

Punish Percy in your palm

Putting your best foot forward

Putting your foot down

Putting your thumb in the porridge

Raining on your parade

Ram the ham

Relishing your hot dog

Riding the five-legged pony

Roll your own

Rolling it off the lot

Romeo and himself

Rope the pony

Rope the Pope

Rub one out

Rub the pink eraser

Rubbing Buddha's tummy

Run off a batch by hand

Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights

Safest sex

Sailing the mayonnaise seas

Saluting the general

Sampling the secret sauce

Sand wood

Scour the tower of power

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scratch the itch

Screwing your courage to the sticking place

Secret handshake

Self abuse

Self-induced penile regurgitation

Sex with someone you really love

Shake hands with Abe Lincoln

Shake hands with the midget

Shake hands with the unemployed

Shake hands with your John Thomas

Shake hands with your wife's best friend

Shake hands with Yul Brynner

Shake the sauce

Shake the sausage

Shake the snake

Shaking hands with Dr. Winky

Shellac the shillelagh

Shemp the hog

Shift gears

Shine the helmet

Shine your pole

Shoot for the moon

Shoot putty at the moon

Shoot the airplane

Shooting yourself in the foot

Shuck your corn

Sizing things up

Slam the ham

Slam the salami

Slam the salmon

Slam the Spam

Slap high fives with Yul Brynner

Slap it

Slap pappy

Slap the carrot

Slap the clown

Slap the donkey

Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol

Slap the salami

Slapping Johnny on the back

Sling the jelly

Smack the salami

Smiting the pink knight

Snap the monkey

Snap the rubber

Snap the whip

Solo flight

Solo marathon

Solo sex

Spank Elvis

Spank the bishop

Spank the frank

Spank the monkey

Spank the salami

Spank the wank

Spanking the rooster

Spending your Christmas bonus

Squeeze the cheese

Squeeze the juice

Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube

Squeeze your cheese-dog

Squeezing the happy lumberjack

Stewing in your own juices

Stinky pinky

Stir the batter

Stir the yogurt

Strain the main vein

Straining your cabbage

Stretching the truth

Strip-mining with the spaghetti man

Stroke the carrot

Stroke the mole

Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Stroke the satin-headed serpent

Stroke your poker

Stroke your Twinkie

Strumming the one-string harp

Take matters into your own hands

Take part in population control

Take the fifth

Take the monster for a one-armed ride

Taking a few practice shots

Taking a load off

Talk quietly to yourself

Tame the shrew

Taunt the one-eyed weasel

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Tease the weenie

Tenderize the tube steak

Tending to your own affairs

Test your batteries

That crazy hand jive

Thrash your thing

Thump the pump

Thump your thong

Tickle the ivory

Tickle the pickle

Tickle the taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Tipping off the inspector

Toss the snag

Toss the turkey

Toss yogurt

Tug the slug

Twang the wire

Tweak your Twinkie

Twist your crank

Unleashing the alabaster yak

Unloading the gun

Unpacking the moving van

Varnish the flagpole

Varnishing the banister

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Wake the dead

Walk the dog

Walk the plank

Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes

Wallowing in self pity

Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel

Wash the meat

Wax the Buick

Wax the carrot

Wax the dolphin

Waxin' n' Milkin'

Whack it

Whack the weasel

Whack Willy

Whip the dummy

Whip the one-eyed trouser snake

Whip the one-eyed worm

Whip the rat

Whip the stiff

Whip the wire

Whip up some sour cream

Whip your dripper

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Whittle the stick

Wiggling your walrus

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Wonk your conker

Work things out

Working at your own speed

Working late at the office

Working up a foamy lather

Working without Annette

Wrestle the dragon

Wrestle the eel

Wrestling with the bald champ

Wring out your rope

Wrist aerobics

Yank the crank

Yank the yo-yo

Yank your plank

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theadventuresofjamiewatson · 8 years ago

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The Present (Wedding 1/3)

A TAJWASH Story by Shannen Michaelsen

Happy Valentine’s Day! I was going to wait and post this at a reasonable hour but here we are.

Sherlock didn’t get Eliza a bridal shower present.

Which was fine. Like, totally fine. Like, who even cares about presents, right? She didn’t get Violet a present either. Violet wasn’t technically getting married, but she was part of the ceremony and besides, Violet didn’t want presents. Violet didn’t even want a bridal shower, so it made sense why Sherlock wouldn’t get her a present, but why didn’t she get Eliza a present?

It probably meant nothing. She’s Sherlock! She’s not even that good at picking out presents.

Besides, she would probably get her a present for the wedding. Or the bachelorette party. Or both! That’s two presents to look forward to.

Eliza had asked Jamie, “She’s going to get me—I mean, all of us a present for the wedding, right?”

“Uhhhh,” Jamie had said.

Okay, so she crossed her fingers and waited for the bachelorette party.

They didn’t have a maid of honor or a best man, because Violet would be standing next to them both for the ceremony. So Wendy and Jamie were in charge of planning the bachelorette party, and John’s friend Frank was in charge of the bachelor party.

Which of course meant Eliza tried to plan them both.

“Remember,” she had told Wendy and Jamie, “homemade cake. And I don’t want any of that gross penis jewelry or whatever it is they have for bachelorette parties. And no drinking—I know, I know, but it’s the night before the wedding and I don’t want to get hungover…okay, one drink each! And let’s just play some party games and watch a movie. We can play that game where we see which one of you guys knows me and Violet the best! And Sherlock can’t play this time, since she beat my mom at the bridal shower and that made her upset. And then we’ll open presents!”

“Presents?” Wendy had said. “Are there usually presents at a bachelorette party?”

“Well why wouldn’t there be?” Eliza said. “Oh! And the most important rule. No boys.”

“No boys,” Jamie repeated.

“It’s a bachelorette party,” Eliza said. “No boys.”

“What about Stanley?” Jamie asked.

“He’s a boy!” Eliza said.

“But he’s our friend—”

“He can go to John’s party.”

“Okay but Wiggins is allowed, right?” Jamie asked.

“Is Wiggins a boy?”

“No—”

“Then Wiggins is allowed! I just said no boys.”

“What about a stripper?” Wendy asked.

“I wouldn’t object, but Violet would.”

“Fine, no male strippers—”

“No female strippers either!”

“Fine, no strippers, no boys,” Wendy said. “I’m okay with that.”

Eliza went to Frank the next day. She let herself into his apartment because John used to live there and she still had a key. Frank had been sitting in the arm chair, staring at the door, as though he had been expecting her.

Before she could even speak, he held up a hand and said, “Say no more, Lizzie McGuire. I know what I’m doing.”

“You don’t, Frank,” she said. “You really don’t.”

“I do,” he said.

“Then what are you doing for the bachelor party?” she asked.

“Nerf gun fight.”

She thought about this.

“Acceptable,” she said.

“And of course, the strippers will accompany us to the Nerf fight—”

“No!” she said and grabbed the front of Frank’s shirt. “No strippers. If I don’t get a stripper, neither does he.”

“I got you, girl,” he said. “No strippers. Done deal.”

“Unless, like, it’s a dinosaur stripper, that would be funny, but I don’t think you’re going to find one of those.”

“I would hope not.”

She let go of him. “And you have to invite Stanley.”

“Who?”

“Exactly,” she said. “Small boy, very loud. Good friends with John.”

“All right, he’s in,” Frank said.

“Also!” she said. “Do not Nerf fight in Moor Gate Park. Because that park will chew you up and spit you back out. Although honestly, I wouldn’t be sad if it did, Frank Lin.”

“Where has all this animosity been hiding, Liz?” Frank said.

“In the closet where I’ll be hiding your body if you mess this up.”

“Whoa.” He held up his hands. “Okay. No strippers, yes dinosaurs, I’ll invite the small boy, and no Moor Gate Park. Am I missing anything?”

“Cake—”

“There will be cake and it will be good,” he said. “I promise.”

She could trust no one.

The boys claimed John and Eliza’s apartment as their home base, which was fine because the Watson-Wiggins-Hooper-Holmes townhouse had more space for a sleepover anyway. The bachelorettes were: Eliza, Violet, Jamie, Wendy, Sherlock, Wiggins, Charlotte Parker, Laura Lyons, and Alice Beech.

The festivities began at seven o’clock sharp.

Jamie and Wendy had taken the games suggestion to heart and there were piles of tabletop games in the living room. They played Twister, which Violet was the best at. The played Cards Against Humanity, and every time Wendy lost, she insisted they play again, until they were six rounds in, and she finally threw in the towel when Wiggins won for the third time in a row. They played some game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf and had to give up after four rounds, all of which Sherlock won. They played an interesting version of Uno which was also a drinking game, led by Charlotte, and Eliza suspected it was just her way of getting around the one drink rule.

Eventually, they were all curled up on the couch and floor, watching a romcom that Eliza did not pay attention to because she was too busy thinking about how John’s bachelor party was going. She laid with her head in Violet’s lap and stared up at the ceiling.

“I should’ve made him a cake,” she said. “I can’t trust the boys to make him a cake. And even if they did, it wouldn’t be good. They wouldn’t think to shape it like a dinosaur, and they wouldn’t even be able to do that, I have the dinosaur cake pan and they didn’t ask to borrow it. Do they all know his favorite color is green? Are they going to theme everything correctly?”

“Frank knows his favorite color is green,” Violet said.

“Are you sure?” Eliza said quickly.

“Yeah, I told him,” Violet said. “And they wouldn’t want to make a dinosaur cake, you know how he can sometimes be about the idea of eating a dinosaur.”

“You’re right,” Eliza said. “He does freak out about weird things like that. He just gets so anxious sometimes…”

Violet looked down at her.

“He gets anxious?” she said.

“Um, yeah?” Eliza said. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying you’re freaking out,” Violet said, running her hands through Eliza’s hair.

“Uh—psh—who—me? No!” Eliza said. “I have nothing to freak out about, excuse me. When are we opening presents?”

When the movie finished, they gathered around the coffee table, where everyone had piled the presents that Eliza had told them they did not need to bring, and Violet had told them they absolutely did need to bring or else Eliza would be disappointed. Wendy had knit them hats to go with the scarves she had given them at the bridal shower. Jamie’s name was also on this gift, even though Eliza knew she had nothing to do with it, but that was fine. Charlotte and Laura gave them an X-Files DVD boxset. Wiggins gave them a space-themed postcard set they had gotten discount at the Challenger Museum.

“So, uh, you can send us postcards from your honeymoon or whatever,” they said.

And Alice gave them a photo album that was full of pictures of all of the friends hanging out over the years.

“I got them all from Facebook,” she said, “I hope that’s okay.”

“Awww, look,” Violet said, pointing at a picture of her and Alice. “This is outside the courthouse after you won custody of Cooper!”

“Uh. Yeah,” Alice said.

And Sherlock got them nothing.

Which was fine. And Eliza wasn’t going to say anything. It was okay.

But then, Sherlock stood up in the center of the room, and cleared her throat.

“I know this is a bachelorette party and therefore very feminine coded,” she said.

“Yes, and I apologize for that,” Eliza said. “Go on.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if one man joined us,” Sherlock said.

Eliza narrowed her eyes and looked at Violet sitting next to her. Violet just shrugged. Eliza looked back at Sherlock.

“Is the man a stripper?” she asked.

“No.”

“Okay…is it Stanley?”

“No.”

“Good…is it you?”

“No.”

“Oh, then…is it John?”

“Eliza—”

“Fine, I’m out of guesses, who is it?”

There was a knock on the door.

Sherlock held up one finger, then left the room.

Eliza shot across the room to the window, sending tissue paper flying.

“Eliza, oh my god!” Wendy said, swatting some wrapping paper off of her. “What’s up?”

The others joined Eliza at the window and tried to see who was standing in the doorway, talking to Sherlock.

There were two men, only one of whom was in their clear line of vision. He was wearing a suit and didn’t appear to be talking.

“FBI?” Violet said. “CIA? NSA? Secret service?”

“Why would the secret service be here?” Laura said. “Do you think the president is visiting?”

“I hope not, but either way, we should probably go—”

“No, no, Vi, wait,” Eliza said, grabbing Violet’s arm so she wouldn’t escape out the back door.

The man in the suit turned around to face the street and the light from the front hallway vanished as the other man entered and the front door closed.

“They’re coming!” Alice said.

“Everyone act normal!” Violet said.

Violet dove under the coffee table, dragging Wiggins down with her. Alice sat on the table and grabbed the photo album, as though she was looking at it. Charlotte and Laura dropped onto the love seat. Jamie lounged across the couch. But Eliza stood in place by the window, Wendy standing right behind her. They all stared at the doorway.

Sherlock entered, and immediately narrowed her eyes at the scene before her. She looked at Violet and Wiggins under the table.

“Subtle,” she said.

“What agent have you brought into our home?” Violet asked.

“Not your home,” Wendy said.

“What agent have you brought into our home?” Wiggins asked, smirking.

Sherlock rolled her eyes and stepped aside.

Arthur Selden slowly peeked around the corner. Then he stepped into full view.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said.

“Art!” Eliza yelled.

“Hey, Lizzie!” he said.

Eliza flung her arms around her brother and he hugged her back.

“Never say I didn’t get you a present,” Sherlock said.

“Oh my god!” Eliza said. She let go of Arthur to throw her arms around Sherlock, who stiffened.

“Whoa, dude,” Wiggins said, wriggling out from under the table. “I thought you were gone for good.”

“Wiggins!” Arthur said. “Come here.” He gave Wiggins a quick hug.

Alice closed the photo album. “Wait,” she said, “who’s Art?”

“Like, Arthur?” Charlotte asked. “Your brother? This is your brother?”

“Yeah!” Eliza said, spinning around. “Everyone, this is Arthur! Arthur, this is everyone!”

“Nice to meet you,” he said, awkwardly waving his hand.

“Hold on, then who’s the guy outside?” Laura asked.

“Oh, uh, that’s my handler,” he said.

“Handler?” Laura repeated. But she didn’t get a chance to ask more questions before Violet had popped out from under the table and pointed an accusing finger at Arthur.

“How do we know it’s the real Arthur?” Violet said. “They make excellent clones these days.”

“It’s really me, Violet,” Arthur said. “And it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Even if you are real,” she continued, “how do we know you’re not a spy?”

“I am a spy.”

Violet was taken aback by this confession. Nobody had ever admitted to such a thing. She looked around the room and everyone looked back at her with confused and surprised expressions.

“Wait, did you not realize that?” Arthur asked. “Eliza, have you not told them?’

“Well, I didn’t know what was a secret and what wasn’t,” she said. “And it’s kind of hard to explain that your brother was arrested for trying to sell government secrets…”

“I’ve got this thing—” He pulled his pant leg up a bit and they could see an ankle bracelet. “—but I’m working with Ms. Holmes’ department now.”

“Please don’t call my sister Ms. Holmes,” Sherlock said. “But yes, Mr. Selden carried out his sentence and rehabilitation and is now working with the…government.” She said government like it was a particularly nasty word.

“You know, like Frank Abagnale Jr.,” Arthur said, grinning.

“You’re not that cool, Art,” Eliza said.

“I am so that cool!” he said.

“So the guy outside is here to make sure you don’t run away?” Laura asked incredulously.

“Wow,” Wendy said, “so Violet was actually right when she thought he was a government agent.”

“I’m always right about these things, Wendy,” Violet said.

Wendy and Jamie exchanged amused looks.

“You really haven’t told them anything?” Arthur muttered to Eliza.

“Nope,” Eliza said. “Let me introduce you to each of them!”

She grabbed his arm and pulled him to each person.

“You know Wiggins—”

“I do. Hi again.”

“And Violet. We’re getting married.”

“Yes.”

“That’s Jamie, we used to be roommates. She’s a famous vlogger.”

“No,” Jamie said. “I’m not—”

“And that’s Wendy! She and Jamie are dating. She made Vi and I these hats. And that’s Charlotte!”

“I remember Charlotte. The hound, right?”

“Right! And Laura, too. They’re also dating. And Alice!”

“Nice to meet you, Alice.”

“She and Violet are friends. And Sherlock! You know Sherlock.”

“Yes, she arrested me.”

Sherlock shrugged.

“It happens,” she said.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here!” Eliza said, hugging her brother again.

“And you didn’t want any boys at this party,” Jamie said.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Arthur said, sitting on the table. “I actually had a mission tonight.”

“I knew it!” Violet said, pointing another accusatory finger. “He’s a spy.”

“I already told you, I am a spy,” Arthur said. He pulled out his phone and Eliza sat next to him. “My mission was to check up on someone for you.”

He opened the photos and Eliza’s smile grew wider (if that was possible) as Arthur showed her pictures from John’s bachelor party.

“This is why I was late,” he said.

“I knew you would be obsessing about how John’s party went,” Sherlock said. “So I sent Mr. Selden over there to make sure things went well.”

“I think it would’ve gone fine without me,” Arthur said. They all leaned in to look at a picture of John sitting in a tree, a Nerf gun in his hands, and a focused look on his face.

“Aww,” Eliza and Violet said at the same time.

“Did he win?” Eliza asked. “Everyone let him win, right?”

“Yeah, he won,” Arthur said.

“Good,” Eliza said. “But wait, you were playing in the woods? What woods?”

“Not Moor Gate Park!”

They all let out a sigh of relief.

“Well, it looks like it was fun,” Eliza said. “Are you…are you going to be at the wedding?”

Arthur’s smile faded and he looked up at Sherlock for an answer. Sherlock tapped her foot and looked at the floor.

“Big place, lots of people,” she said, “very easy to lose track of someone.”

“I’m not going to run away,” Arthur said.

Sherlock gave him a look that made it clear she did not believe him.

“Right,” she said. “Well…maybe I can swing something…get you to the wedding, but not the reception…of course, if you were to run and you simply…went to the reception…I doubt there would be major ramifications.”

Arthur smiled and Eliza squealed. “Thank you, Sherlock.”

“Of course, I know how to get that anklet off without raising alarms,” Violet said.

“No, you don’t,” Sherlock said.

“You don’t know me!” Violet said.

They decided to play one more board game before going to bed, even though it was well past midnight. After much debate, they settled on “a quick game of Clue,” as Wiggins put it, though they were smiling in a slightly scary way. Eliza should have known that Clue was not a good idea, but she was too happy about her brother’s presence, about her wedding in the morning, and about her wonderful presents, to think about how a game of Clue might go with present company.

They never did finish the game. Though, when Eliza was curling up on the air mattress next to Violet a few hours later, she could hear Sherlock and Arthur at the front door, arguing over why exactly one would choose a lead pipe as their murder weapon if a revolver was available. It was Wendy who finally kicked Arthur out and Jamie who got Sherlock to shut up.

But just before she fell asleep, Eliza heard Sherlock, ascending the stairs to her bedroom, say, “Good night.”

“Good night,” Eliza whispered, to nobody in particular, as Sherlock was already gone. She looked at the living room full of friends, smiled, and said, “Thank you.”

#TAJWASH #The Adventures of Jamie Watson (and Sherlock Holmes)#Eliza Selden #Violet Hunter #Jolizet #john's not in it even though it's about their wedding sorry #bonus canon

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ericfruits · 8 years ago

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Who kidnapped the son of Slovakia’s president?

IN AUGUST 1995 Michal Kovac Jr, whose father was president of newly independent Slovakia, was stopped in his car by armed men who handcuffed him, forced him to drink two bottles of whisky and began driving him to an unknown destination. When he tried to jump out of the car, they beat him and shocked him with a stun gun. The 34-year-old Mr Kovac woke up in Austria, where police arrested him in connection with a German financial probe. They said they had been tipped off to his whereabouts by a Slovak informant. An Austrian court soon released him because of the illegal manner of his detainment. He was never charged.

Slovak police and justice officials investigating the kidnapping were frustrated when a key witness went into hiding and his police contact was killed with a car-bomb. Still, they managed to prepare an indictment, which was later leaked. It pinned the crime on private thugs hired by the Slovak secret services (SIS), whose head, Ivan Lexa, was the right-hand man of Vladimir Meciar, the prime minister at the time (pictured). The senior Mr Kovac was a political opponent of Mr Meciar’s. But before charges could be brought, Mr Meciar passed an amnesty law that buried the case. Mr Meciar has spent the past few years in quiet retirement at his mansion, christened “Elektra”. But on March 2nd a docudrama about the case, “Unos” (“Kidnapping”), opened in Slovakia, putting the old case back in the headlines.

Mr Meciar was forced to appear on television to defend himself. Polls showed that 63% of Slovaks favoured revoking the amnesty law, and on March 13th Robert Fico, the current prime minister, announced that he would do so.

Mr Fico faces declining approval, especially among young voters. He may be defending himself against any appearance of complicity; his first government, in 2006, included Mr Meciar’s party. But he is also being pushed by popular anger at corruption, as the popularity of “Unos” shows. “Politicians should know that crime and wrongdoing can be punished, even after such a long time,” says Milan Stranava, the film’s producer. Any punishment will come too late for the elder Mr Kovac. He died in October 2016.

http://ift.tt/2mQ9JNJ

#IFTTT #Feedly

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actionfigureinsider · 4 years ago

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DISCOVERY LAUNCHES SHARK WEEK 2020 CONSUMER PRODUCTS PROGRAM WITH NEW AND RETURNING PARTNERS

The Annual Summer Event Welcomes Licensing Partners Across Categories

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New York, NY – July 20, 2020 – Discovery, Inc., the global leader in real-life entertainment, today announced its exciting list of merchandising partners for Discovery Channel’s Shark Week 2020, television’s longest-running and most anticipated summer event, airing Sunday, August 9th – Sunday, August 16th with an exciting lineup of original shark-themed programming. This year’s consumer products program includes new and returning partners across apparel, accessories, toys and publishing categories.

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New in 2020, Smathers and Branson, the personalized accessories company, will launch a line of Shark Week themed hand-stitched needlepoint accessories including belts, hats, card wallets, koozies and key fobs in July available at SmathersandBranson.com. The apparel company RSVLTS is joining Shark Week with men’s apparel including short-sleeve button ups, neckties and pocket squares available on RSVLTS.com or through the @rsvlts Instagram in July. Also new, men’s and women’s apparel company The Forecast Agency is debuting an apparel line at the end of July retailing at Urban Outfitters, PacSun and DesertDreamerLA.com.

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Proving the enduring success of the Shark Week licensing programming, an extensive list of partners is returning in 2020. In the toy category, Build-A-Bear is back for a third year with their Shark Week collection. Great White Shark is available now and will arrive in stores throughout July, and Saw Shark is the newest online exclusive. Mattel is launching Shark Week-themed UNO in July. Bright Kingdom is returning with a line of shark playsets available at CVS. Plush shark toys by Dandee will be available at Walmart and Ahold. In the publishing category, Meredith is partnering on a shark-themed bookazine, The Ultimate Book of Sharks, for all Shark Week fans which will be available on newsstands or from your favorite retailer in August.

#gallery-0-19 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-19 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 16%; } #gallery-0-19 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-19 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

A number of accessories partners are returning for this year’s Shark Week as well. Knockaround Sunglasses is returning for a sixth year, launching its special release shark-themed sunglasses on July 14th on Knockaround.com with a portion of the proceeds benefitting Oceana, a charitable organization dedicated to protecting and restoring the world’s oceans on a global scale, and Discovery’s charitable partner. Sock Fancy is back for a third year with a line of unisex socks, launching in July on SockFancy.com. Freestyle Watches is back for year two with a new collection of its Classic Shark timepieces available with digital or analog movements launching in July at Freestyleusa.com, Ron Jon’s, Tilly’s, Zumiez and other fine retailers. Freestyle will also be launching a limited series of its signature leash and clip watch straps made to accessorize Apple Smart Watches, launching in July and available exclusively at Freestyleusa.com

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“Every year, we look forward to enhancing our viewers’ love for Shark Week by providing them with an appealing and diverse slate of merchandise,” said Carolann Dunn, Vice President, Consumer Products Licensing, Discovery, Inc. “Our goal is to allow shark lovers to go beyond watching shark-themed programming by wearing or playing with shark-themed products, and this year’s consumer products programming provides the opportunity to do just that.”

Each year, Shark Week takes fascinated viewers on a week-long journey to the depths of the sea to uncover the secrets of the ocean’s top creature. Found in 220 countries and territories around the globe, Shark Week is a pop culture phenomenon that thrills fans of all ages with dynamic programming around these often-misunderstood sea creatures.

For up to date information on Shark Week as well as photos and videos, follow #SharkWeek on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat.

###

About Discovery Channel:

Discovery Channel is dedicated to creating the highest quality non-fiction content that informs and entertains its consumers about the world in all its wonder, diversity and amazement. The network, which is distributed to 100.8 million U.S. homes, can be seen in 224 countries and territories, offering a signature mix of compelling, high-end production values and vivid cinematography across genres including, science and technology, exploration, adventure, history and in-depth, behind-the-scenes glimpses at the people, places and organizations that shape and share our world. For more information, please visit www.discovery.com

About Discovery:

Discovery, Inc. (Nasdaq: DISCA, DISCB, DISCK) is a global leader in real life entertainment, serving a passionate audience of superfans around the world with content that inspires, informs and entertains. Discovery delivers over 8,000 hours of original programming each year and has category leadership across deeply loved content genres around the world. Available in 220 countries and territories and nearly 50 languages, Discovery is a platform innovator, reaching viewers on all screens, including TV Everywhere products such as the GO portfolio of apps; direct-to-consumer streaming services such as Eurosport Player, Food Network Kitchen and MotorTrend OnDemand; digital-first and social content from Group Nine Media; a landmark natural history and factual content partnership with the BBC; and a strategic alliance with PGA TOUR to create the international home of golf. Discovery’s portfolio of premium brands includes Discovery Channel, HGTV, Food Network, TLC, Investigation Discovery, Travel Channel, MotorTrend, Animal Planet, Science Channel, and the forthcoming multi-platform JV with Chip and Joanna Gaines, Magnolia, as well as OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network in the U.S., Discovery Kids in Latin America, and Eurosport, the leading provider of locally relevant, premium sports and Home of the Olympic Games across Europe. For more information, please visit corporate.discovery.com and follow @DiscoveryIncTV across social platforms.

Jaw-Dropping Merch To Celebrate Shark Week’s Return This Weekend DISCOVERY LAUNCHES SHARK WEEK 2020 CONSUMER PRODUCTS PROGRAM WITH NEW AND RETURNING PARTNERS The Annual Summer Event Welcomes Licensing Partners Across Categories…

#Build-a-Bear #Discovery Channel #Plush #Shark Week #shirs #watches

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tonpower91-blog · 6 years ago

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Quote of the Moment: Churchill’s Iron Curtain speech in Fulton, Missouri (again)

March 5, 2019, was the 73rd anniversary of Winston Churchill’s speech in Fulton, Missouri. He called the speech “Sinews of Peace,” but it is better known as the speech in which Churchill first used the phrase “Iron Curtain” to describe events in Eastern Europe after World War II.

Winston Churchill delivering the “Iron Curtain” speech, Westminster College, Fulton, Missouri, March 5, 1946 – Photo by George Skadding

“From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the ancient states of Central and Eastern Europe. Warsaw, Berlin, Prague, Vienna, Budapest, Belgrade, Bucharest and Sofia, all these famous cities and the populations around them lie in what I must call the Soviet sphere, and all are subject in one form or another, not only to Soviet influence but to a very high and, in many cases, increasing measure of control from Moscow.”

Sir Winston S. Churchill, in a speech at Westminster College, Fulton, Missouri, on March 5, 1946, titled “The Sinews of Peace.”

Some historians mark the beginning of the Cold War from this speech, in which a respected world leader (though without portfolio at the moment) first spelled out the enormous stakes at issue, and also pointed out that Russian, communist totalitarian governments were replacing more democratic governments in nations only recently freed from the spectre of Nazi rule, in World War II.

In June 2012, son James and I stopped off in Fulton, on the way back from James’s graduation from Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin. We were treated royally by the people at the Churchill Centre, and got a chance to spend time in a first rate museum. More people should make Fulton a destination, or pause in their summer travels, for the sake of the kids.

This is an encore post.

Below the fold is the speech in its entirety, from the transcript at the Churchill Centre.

March 5, 1946 Westminster College, Fulton, Missouri

From the Churchill Centre: This speech may be regarded as the most important Churchill delivered as Leader of the Opposition (1945-1951). It contains certain phrases- “the special relationship,” “the sinews of peace ” – which at once entered into general use, and which have survived. But it is the passage on “the iron curtain” which attracted immediate international attention, and had incalculable impact upon public opinion in the United States and in Western Europe. Russian historians date the beginning of the Cold War from this speech. In its phraseology, in its intricate drawing together of several themes to an electrifying climax- this speech may be regarded as a technical classic. – Robert Rhodes James

Winston Churchill’s speech:

I am glad to come to Westminster College this afternoon, and am complimented that you should give me a degree. The name “Westminster” is somehow familiar to me.

I seem to have heard of it before. Indeed, it was at Westminster that I received a very large part of my education in politics, dialectic, rhetoric, and one or two other things. In fact we have both been educated at the same, or similar, or, at any rate, kindred establishments.

It is also an honour, perhaps almost unique, for a private visitor to be introduced to an academic audience by the President of the United States. Amid his heavy burdens, duties, and responsibilities-unsought but not recoiled from-the President has travelled a thousand miles to dignify and magnify our meeting here to-day and to give me an opportunity of addressing this kindred nation, as well as my own countrymen across the ocean, and perhaps some other countries too. The President has told you that it is his wish, as I am sure it is yours, that I should have full liberty to give my true and faithful counsel in these anxious and baffling times. I shall certainly avail myself of this freedom, and feel the more right to do so because any private ambitions I may have cherished in my younger days have been satisfied beyond my wildest dreams. Let me, however, make it clear that I have no official mission or status of any kind, and that I speak only for myself. There is nothing here but what you see.

I can therefore allow my mind, with the experience of a lifetime, to play over the problems which beset us on the morrow of our absolute victory in arms, and to try to make sure with what strength I have that what has been gained with so much sacrifice and suffering shall be preserved for the future glory and safety of mankind.

The United States stands at this time at the pinnacle of world power. It is a solemn moment for the American Democracy. For with primacy in power is also joined an awe inspiring accountability to the future. If you look around you, you must feel not only the sense of duty done but also you must feel anxiety lest you fall below the level of achievement. Opportunity is here now, clear and shining for both our countries. To reject it or ignore it or fritter it away will bring upon us all the long reproaches of the after-time. It is necessary that constancy of mind, persistency of purpose, and the grand simplicity of decision shall guide and rule the conduct of the English-speaking peoples in peace as they did in war. We must, and I believe we shall, prove ourselves equal to this severe requirement.

When American military men approach some serious situation they are wont to write at the head of their directive the words “over-all strategic concept.” There is wisdom in this, as it leads to clarity of thought. What then is the over-all strategic concept which we should inscribe today? It is nothing less than the safety and welfare, the freedom and progress, of all the homes and families of all the men and women in all the lands. And here I speak particularly of the myriad cottage or apartment homes where the wage-earner strives amid the accidents and difficulties of life to guard his wife and children from privation and bring the family up in the fear of the Lord, or upon ethical conceptions which often play their potent part.

To give security to these countless homes, they must be shielded from the two giant marauders, war and tyranny. We all know the frightful disturbances in which the ordinary family is plunged when the curse of war swoops down upon the bread-winner and those for whom he works and contrives. The awful ruin of Europe, with all its vanished glories, and of large parts of Asia glares us in the eyes. When the designs of wicked men or the aggressive urge of mighty States dissolve over large areas the frame of civilised society, humble folk are confronted with difficulties with which they cannot cope. For them all is distorted, all is broken, even ground to pulp.

When I stand here this quiet afternoon I shudder to visualise what is actually happening to millions now and what is going to happen in this period when famine stalks the earth. None can compute what has been called “the unestimated sum of human pain.” Our supreme task and duty is to guard the homes of the common people from the horrors and miseries of another war. We are all agreed on that.

Our American military colleagues, after having proclaimed their “over-all strategic concept” and computed available resources, always proceed to the next step-namely, the method. Here again there is widespread agreement. A world organisation has already been erected for the prime purpose of preventing war, UNO, the successor of the League of Nations, with the decisive addition of the United States and all that that means, is already at work. We must make sure that its work is fruitful, that it is a reality and not a sham, that it is a force for action, and not merely a frothing of words, that it is a true temple of peace in which the shields of many nations can some day be hung up, and not merely a cockpit in a Tower of Babel. Before we cast away the solid assurances of national armaments for self-preservation we must be certain that our temple is built, not upon shifting sands or quagmires, but upon the rock. Anyone can see with his eyes open that our path will be difficult and also long, but if we persevere together as we did in the two world wars-though not, alas, in the interval between them-I cannot doubt that we shall achieve our common purpose in the end.

I have, however, a definite and practical proposal to make for action. Courts and magistrates may be set up but they cannot function without sheriffs and constables. The United Nations Organisation must immediately begin to be equipped with an international armed force. In such a matter we can only go step by step, but we must begin now. I propose that each of the Powers and States should be invited to delegate a certain number of air squadrons to the service of the world organisation. These squadrons would be trained and prepared in their own countries, but would move around in rotation from one country to another. They would wear the uniform of their own countries but with different badges. They would not be required to act against their own nation, but in other respects they would be directed by the world organisation. This might be started on a modest scale and would grow as confidence grew. I wished to see this done after the First World War, and I devoutly trust it may be done forthwith.

It would nevertheless be wrong and imprudent to entrust the secret knowledge or experience of the atomic bomb, which the United States, Great Britain, and Canada now share, to the world organisation, while it is still in its infancy. It would be criminal madness to cast it adrift in this still agitated and un-united world. No one in any country has slept less well in their beds because this knowledge and the method and the raw materials to apply it, are at present largely retained in American hands. I do not believe we should all have slept so soundly had the positions been reversed and if some Communist or neo-Fascist State monopolised for the time being these dread agencies. The fear of them alone might easily have been used to enforce totalitarian systems upon the free democratic world, with consequences appalling to human imagination. God has willed that this shall not be and we have at least a breathing space to set our house in order before this peril has to be encountered: and even then, if no effort is spared, we should still possess So formidable a superiority as to impose effective deterrents upon its employment, or threat of employment, by others. Ultimately, when the essential brotherhood of man is truly embodied and expressed in a world organisation with all the necessary practical safeguards to make it effective, these powers would naturally be confided to that world organisation.

Now I come to the second danger of these two marauders which threatens the cottage, the home, and the ordinary people-namely, tyranny. We cannot be blind to the fact that the liberties enjoyed by individual citizens throughout the British Empire are not valid in a considerable number of countries, some of which are very powerful. In these States control is enforced upon the common people by various kinds of all-embracing police governments. The power of the State is exercised without restraint, either by dictators or by compact oligarchies operating through a privileged party and a political police. It is not our duty at this time when difficulties are so numerous to interfere forcibly in the internal affairs of countries which we have not conquered in war. But we must never cease to proclaim in fearless tones the great principles of freedom and the rights of man which are the joint inheritance of the English-speaking world and which through Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights, the Habeas Corpus, trial by jury, and the English common law find their most famous expression in the American Declaration of Independence.

All this means that the people of any country have the right, and should have the power by constitutional action, by free unfettered elections, with secret ballot, to choose or change the character or form of government under which they dwell; that freedom of speech and thought should reign; that courts of justice, independent of the executive, unbiased by any party, should administer laws which have received the broad assent of large majorities or are consecrated by time and custom. Here are the title deeds of freedom which should lie in every cottage home. Here is the message of the British and American peoples to mankind. Let us preach what we practise – let us practise what we preach.

I have now stated the two great dangers which menace the homes of the people: War and Tyranny. I have not yet spoken of poverty and privation which are in many cases the prevailing anxiety. But if the dangers of war and tyranny are removed, there is no doubt that science and co-operation can bring in the next few years to the world, certainly in the next few decades newly taught in the sharpening school of war, an expansion of material well-being beyond anything that has yet occurred in human experience. Now, at this sad and breathless moment, we are plunged in the hunger and distress which are the aftermath of our stupendous struggle; but this will pass and may pass quickly, and there is no reason except human folly or sub-human crime which should deny to all the nations the inauguration and enjoyment of an age of plenty. I have often used words which I learned fifty years ago from a great Irish-American orator, a friend of mine, Mr. Bourke Cockran. “There is enough for all. The earth is a generous mother; she will provide in plentiful abundance food for all her children if they will but cultivate her soil in justice and in peace.” So far I feel that we are in full agreement.

Now, while still pursuing the method of realising our overall strategic concept, I come to the crux of what I have travelled here to Say. Neither the sure prevention of war, nor the continuous rise of world organisation will be gained without what I have called the fraternal association of the English-speaking peoples. This means a special relationship between the British Commonwealth and Empire and the United States. This is no time for generalities, and I will venture to be precise. Fraternal association requires not only the growing friendship and mutual understanding between our two vast but kindred Systems of society, but the continuance of the intimate relationship between our military advisers, leading to common study of potential dangers, the similarity of weapons and manuals of instructions, and to the interchange of officers and cadets at technical colleges. It should carry with it the continuance of the present facilities for mutual security by the joint use of all Naval and Air Force bases in the possession of either country all over the world. This would perhaps double the mobility of the American Navy and Air Force. It would greatly expand that of the British Empire Forces and it might well lead, if and as the world calms down, to important financial savings. Already we use together a large number of islands; more may well be entrusted to our joint care in the near future.

The United States has already a Permanent Defence Agreement with the Do-minion of Canada, which is so devotedly attached to the British Commonwealth and Empire. This Agreement is more effective than many of those which have often been made under formal alliances. This principle should be extended to all British Commonwealths with full reciprocity. Thus, whatever happens, and thus only, shall we be secure ourselves and able to work together for the high and simple causes that are dear to us and bode no ill to any. Eventually there may come-I feel eventually there will come-the principle of common citizenship, but that we may be content to leave to destiny, whose outstretched arm many of us can already clearly see.

There is however an important question we must ask ourselves. Would a special relationship between the United States and the British Commonwealth be inconsistent with our over-riding loyalties to the World Organisation? I reply that, on the contrary, it is probably the only means by which that organisation will achieve its full stature and strength. There are already the special United States relations with Canada which I have just mentioned, and there are the special relations between the United States and the South American Republics. We British have our twenty years Treaty of Collaboration and Mutual Assistance with Soviet Russia. I agree with Mr. Bevin, the Foreign Secretary of Great Britain, that it might well be a fifty years Treaty so far as we are concerned. We aim at nothing but mutual assistance and collaboration. The British have an alliance with Portugal unbroken since 1384, and which produced fruitful results at critical moments in the late war. None of these clash with the general interest of a world agreement, or a world organisation; on the contrary they help it. “In my father’s house are many mansions.” Special associations between members of the United Nations which have no aggressive point against any other country, which harbour no design incompatible with the Charter of the United Nations, far from being harmful, are beneficial and, as I believe, indispensable.

I spoke earlier of the Temple of Peace. Workmen from all countries must build that temple. If two of the workmen know each other particularly well and are old friends, if their families are inter-mingled, and if they have “faith in each other’s purpose, hope in each other’s future and charity towards each other’s shortcomings”-to quote some good words I read here the other day-why cannot they work together at the common task as friends and partners? Why cannot they share their tools and thus increase each other’s working powers? Indeed they must do so or else the temple may not be built, or, being built, it may collapse, and we shall all be proved again unteachable and have to go and try to learn again for a third time in a school of war, incomparably more rigorous than that from which we have just been released. The dark ages may return, the Stone Age may return on the gleaming wings of science, and what might now shower immeasurable material blessings upon mankind, may even bring about its total destruction. Beware, I say; time may be short. Do not let us take the course of allowing events to drift along until it is too late. If there is to be a fraternal association of the kind I have described, with all the extra strength and security which both our countries can derive from it, let us make sure that that great fact is known to the world, and that it plays its part in steadying and stabilising the foundations of peace. There is the path of wisdom. Prevention is better than cure.

A shadow has fallen upon the scenes so lately lighted by the Allied victory. Nobody knows what Soviet Russia and its Communist international organisation intends to do in the immediate future, or what are the limits, if any, to their expansive and proselytising tendencies. I have a strong admiration and regard for the valiant Russian people and for my wartime comrade, Marshal Stalin. There is deep sympathy and goodwill in Britain-and I doubt not here also-towards the peoples of all the Russias and a resolve to persevere through many differences and rebuffs in establishing lasting friendships. We understand the Russian need to be secure on her western frontiers by the removal of all possibility of German aggression. We welcome Russia to her rightful place among the leading nations of the world. We welcome her flag upon the seas. Above all, we welcome constant, frequent and growing contacts between the Russian people and our own people on both sides of the Atlantic. It is my duty however, for I am sure you would wish me to state the facts as I see them to you, to place before you certain facts about the present position in Europe.

From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has descended across the Continent. Behind that line lie all the capitals of the ancient states of Central and Eastern Europe. Warsaw, Berlin, Prague, Vienna, Budapest, Belgrade, Bucharest and Sofia, all these famous cities and the populations around them lie in what I must call the Soviet sphere, and all are subject in one form or another, not only to Soviet influence but to a very high and, in many cases, increasing measure of control from Moscow. Athens alone-Greece with its immortal glories-is free to decide its future at an election under British, American and French observation. The Russian-dominated Polish Government has been encouraged to make enormous and wrongful inroads upon Germany, and mass expulsions of millions of Germans on a scale grievous and undreamed-of are now taking place. The Communist parties, which were very small in all these Eastern States of Europe, have been raised to pre-eminence and power far beyond their numbers and are seeking everywhere to obtain totalitarian control. Police governments are prevailing in nearly every case, and so far, except in Czechoslovakia, there is no true democracy.

Turkey and Persia are both profoundly alarmed and disturbed at the claims which are being made upon them and at the pressure being exerted by the Moscow Government. An attempt is being made by the Russians in Berlin to build up a quasi-Communist party in their zone of Occupied Germany by showing special favours to groups of left-wing German leaders. At the end of the fighting last June, the American and British Armies withdrew westwards, in accordance with an earlier agreement, to a depth at some points of 150 miles upon a front of nearly four hundred miles, in order to allow our Russian allies to occupy this vast expanse of territory which the Western Democracies had conquered.

If now the Soviet Government tries, by separate action, to build up a pro-Communist Germany in their areas, this will cause new serious difficulties in the British and American zones, and will give the defeated Germans the power of putting themselves up to auction between the Soviets and the Western Democracies. Whatever conclusions may be drawn from these facts-and facts they are-this is certainly not the Liberated Europe we fought to build up. Nor is it one which contains the essentials of permanent peace.

The safety of the world requires a new unity in Europe, from which no nation should be permanently outcast. It is from the quarrels of the strong parent races in Europe that the world wars we have witnessed, or which occurred in former times, have sprung. Twice in our own lifetime we have seen the United States, against their wishes and their traditions, against arguments, the force of which it is impossible not to comprehend, drawn by irresistible forces, into these wars in time to secure the victory of the good cause, but only after frightful slaughter and devastation had occurred. Twice the United States has had to send several millions of its young men across the Atlantic to find the war; but now war can find any nation, wherever it may dwell between dusk and dawn. Surely we should work with conscious purpose for a grand pacification of Europe, within the structure of the United Nations and in accordance with its Charter. That I feel is an open cause of policy of very great importance.

In front of the iron curtain which lies across Europe are other causes for anxiety. In Italy the Communist Party is seriously hampered by having to Support the Communist-trained Marshal Tito’s claims to former Italian territory at the head of the Adriatic. Nevertheless the future of Italy hangs in the balance. Again one cannot imagine a regenerated Europe without a strong France. All my public life I have worked for a Strong France and I never lost faith in her destiny, even in the darkest hours. I will not lose faith now. However, in a great number of countries, far from the Russian frontiers and throughout the world, Communist fifth columns are established and work in complete unity and absolute obedience to the directions they receive from the Communist centre. Except in the British Commonwealth and in the United States where Communism is in its infancy, the Communist parties or fifth columns constitute a growing challenge and peril to Christian civilisation. These are sombre facts for anyone to have to recite on the morrow of a victory gained by so much splendid comradeship in arms and in the cause of freedom and democracy; but we should be most unwise not to face them squarely while time remains.

The outlook is also anxious in the Far East and especially in Manchuria. The Agreement which was made at Yalta, to which I was a party, was extremely favourable to Soviet Russia, but it was made at a time when no one could say that the German war might not extend all through the summer and autumn of 1945 and when the Japanese war was expected to last for a further 18 months from the end of the German war. In this country you are all so well-informed about the Far East, and such devoted friends of China, that I do not need to expatiate on the situation there.

I have felt bound to portray the shadow which, alike in the west and in the east, falls upon the world. I was a high minister at the time of the Versailles Treaty and a close friend of Mr. Lloyd-George, who was the head of the British delegation at Versailles. I did not myself agree with many things that were done, but I have a very Strong impression in my mind of that situation, and I find it painful to contrast it with that which prevails now. In those days there were high hopes and unbounded confidence that the wars were over, and that the League of Nations would become all-powerful. I do not see or feel that same confidence or even the same hopes in the haggard world at the present time.

On the other hand I repulse the idea that a new war is inevitable; still more that it is imminent. It is because I am sure that our fortunes are still in our own hands and that we hold the power to save the future, that I feel the duty to speak out now that I have the occasion and the opportunity to do so. I do not believe that Soviet Russia desires war. What they desire is the fruits of war and the indefinite expansion of their power and doctrines. But what we have to consider here to-day while time remains, is the permanent prevention of war and the establishment of conditions of freedom and democracy as rapidly as possible in all countries. Our difficulties and dangers will not be removed by closing our eyes to them. They will not be removed by mere waiting to see what happens; nor will they be removed by a policy of appeasement. What is needed is a settlement, and the longer this is delayed, the more difficult it will be and the greater our dangers will become.

From what I have seen of our Russian friends and Allies during the war, I am convinced that there is nothing they admire so much as strength, and there is nothing for which they have less respect than for weakness, especially military weakness. For that reason the old doctrine of a balance of power is unsound. We cannot afford, if we can help it, to work on narrow margins, offering temptations to a trial of strength. If the Western Democracies stand together in strict adherence to the principles of the United Nations Charter, their influence for furthering those principles will be immense and no one is likely to molest them. If however they become divided or falter in their duty and if these all-important years are allowed to slip away then indeed catastrophe may overwhelm us all. Last time I saw it all coming and cried aloud to my own fellow-countrymen and to the world, but no one paid any attention. Up till the year 1933 or even 1935, Germany might have been saved from the awful fate which has overtaken her and we might all have been spared the miseries Hitler let loose upon mankind. There never was a war in all history easier to prevent by timely action than the one which has just desolated such great areas of the globe. It could have been prevented in my belief without the firing of a single shot, and Germany might be powerful, prosperous and honoured to-day; but no one would listen and one by one we were all sucked into the awful whirlpool. We surely must not let that happen again. This can only be achieved by reaching now, in 1946, a good understanding on all points with Russia under the general authority of the United Nations Organisation and by the maintenance of that good understanding through many peaceful years, by the world instrument, supported by the whole strength of the English-speaking world and all its connections. There is the solution which I respectfully offer to you in this Address to which I have given the title “The Sinews of Peace.”

Let no man underrate the abiding power of the British Empire and Commonwealth. Because you see the 46 millions in our island harassed about their food supply, of which they only grow one half, even in war-time, or because we have difficulty in restarting our industries and export trade after six years of passionate war effort, do not suppose that we shall not come through these dark years of privation as we have come through the glorious years of agony, or that half a century from now, you will not see 70 or 80 millions of Britons spread about the world and united in defence of our traditions, our way of life, and of the world causes which you and we espouse. If the population of the English-speaking Commonwealths be added to that of the United States with all that such co-operation implies in the air, on the sea, all over the globe and in science and in industry, and in moral force, there will be no quivering, precarious balance of power to offer its temptation to ambition or adventure. On the contrary, there will be an overwhelming assurance of security. If we adhere faithfully to the Charter of the United Nations and walk forward in sedate and sober strength seeking no one’s land or treasure, seeking to lay no arbitrary control upon the thoughts of men; if all British moral and material forces and convictions are joined with your own in fraternal association, the high-roads of the future will be clear, not only for us but for all, not only for our time, but for a century to come.

More, and resources:

National Churchill Museum, in Fulton, Missouri

Churchill quotes on the Cold War, from the National Churchill MuseumStory of the speech, and full text, from the Churchill Centre in London

Today in history, Tuesday, March 5 (amarillo.com)

The Iron Curtain (kjmmyblog.wordpress.com)

March 5 in history (homepaddock.wordpress.com)This Week in History (abcnews.go.com)

At Millard Fillmore’s Bathtub:

“Non-virtual world interference in the summer of 2012,” about Fulton, and this speech

“Obama in Prague, on nuclear weapons,” a speech for comparison

“Berlin Wall’s 46th”