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#Posting when no one’s online as is my usual mo lol but I’m off to bed & wanted to post it even though I could’ve waited for someone else to
lazzarella · 1 month
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via Boom’s twitter (21st of August)
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taurianskies7 · 4 years
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How do we make our own vedic chart and understand it? Any pointers would be really helpful. Thank you!
Hi!
Well, calculating your own chart is a bit easier! Probably look up any online vedic birthchart calculator or you can go here and download the short install version. Put in your birth time, date, place etc and you’ll get your vedic chart!
Now, you’ll probably end up getting a chart like this:
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The first one is the North Indian style and the second is the South Indian style. The difference in them is mostly the placements, in North Indian chart the first block is always the ascendant (the number 12 represents the zodiac sign, which is pisces btw, and the houses move anticlockwise), while in the South Indian one, the zodiacs remain in the same block in any chart and the ascendant is represented by the diagonally cut line. (shown in the second figure, pisces is always going to be the upper left corner and the zodiac moves clockwise, so the block next to it is Aries, and next to that is Taurus and so forth). Now that you know where is where, you might be surprised by some changes in the placement of certain planets and even the ascendant. Don’t be so quick to judge them though. The symbols of the planets are Su- Sun, Mo- Moon, Ve- Venus, Me- Mercury, Ma- Mars, Ju- Jupiter, Sa- Saturn, Ra- Rahu and Ke- Ketu respectively. If you’re familiar with astrology, you should be able to recognise these planets easily, save for maybe Rahu and Ketu. So, Rahu and Ketu are the two nodes of the moon, the north and south lunar nodes respectively.  Now that you know which planet is where in your natal chart, we call it the D1 chart, as vedic astrology relies on divisional charts - your D1 is basically your natal chart. Before going to other charts, focus on this.  Vedic astrology puts greater important of Moon than the sun sign. Why? Because the sun sign is a fixed point, you can’t change your soul but the moon, the mind and emotion are volatile. To understand the moon better, and the other planets better too, you need to know what the nakshatra your moon falls in. Okay, so, Nakshatras or Lunar mansions, are basically stars/asterism that divides the zodiac constellations in typically three parts. Why the person w/same zodiac doesn’t act the same? you have to look at the nakshatras. Which is also divided into 4 padas, you can see why vedic astrology is nuanced as hell and this is just the natal chart we’re talking about. Lol.
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Okay, so this is mine, pulled off an online calculator - it’s pretty straightforward and listed, in the program that I included (credit to @studyofastrology for suggesting it btw), it kinda goes into more details and the nakshatras names are shorted. Check out this post by @whenerosmetpsyche who listed out where all the nakshratras would fall in a western chart while wikipedia here lists all of them in vedic and western context. Upon inspection, you might notice that some of them overlap in different zodiac signs, yeah - this is exactly why I told you not to judge the planets and their placements immediately. Looking at this chart through western perspective doesn’t work. The Moon - The Moon signifies a lot of things, especially as it serves as the indicator of the mind in vedic astrology. It represents our personal needs and desires, basic habits, reactions, feelings, unconscious etc, it is basically you, “I think; therefore I am” applies and it’s very useful in determining one’s fate. In Vedic astrology, my moon is in Aquarius, which contradicts my tropical Pisces moon placement, but the description of the Nakshatra - Purvabhadrapada ties it all up, as the Nakshatra itself is ruled by Jupiter. Find out about the vedic interpretation of your moon sign, then the Nakshatras and its pada (there’s a lot of resources online both in written and video format, if you have any concerns, you can send an ask later too). Also, heads up, the older texts are very strict with their definitions and they usually don’t hold back when the list out the characteristics (aka even pointing out that some nakshatras are more likely to be criminals, or fail at marriage etc, don’t be shocked or anything because like, Vedic Astrology is nuanced as hell and seeing something like married life/spouse/career can include a LOT of factors, one placement doesn’t determine it.) You can do the same for the other placements too. LOOK at all of them through vedic interpretation! The Lagna or the Ascendant and its Nakshatra is very important too, because it basically structures your astrology chart and it can tell you what life throws at you. (Mine is in Chitra, pada 3 and I’m always forced to deal with situations in technical and systematic way) Rahu - The North Node of the Moon. You might be familiar with this, known in western spaces as your “destiny” but it’s not entirely that case in vedic. Here, Rahu is the head that was cut off from the body of a serpent demon, the shadowy entity that is constantly hungry and wants to consume everything. Rahu points towards the direction where your soul is obsessed with, something you want to achieve in the fastest way possible without all the hardwork stuff - because Rahu is extreme. It is the mind projected solely into matter. It amplifies everything. As it represents materialism, mischief, fear, dissatisfaction, illusion, obsession and confusion. Rahu is also the co-ruler of Aquarius (well, this can be debated but it is believed by some famous vedic astrologers), we’re living in his age right now and everywhere, you can probably see Rahu’s insatiable presence. (more, more, more, more!) Ketu - The South Node of the Moon. Ketu is the headless body of serpent demon, also the extreme opposite of Rahu. Ketu represents land that you’ve already conquered, spirituality, supernatural and it’s the karmic collector of good and bad, thus it also represents your past life, if you believe in it. Ketu can also represent Moksha as it is the point of ultimate detachment, unlike Rahu, Ketu wants to do nothing with the material world and it constantly has a separating/detached effect on wherever it sits in your birthchart. It is the mind that is withdrawn from any wordly connection. It is also valued as a point of wisdom and intelligence due to the spiritual nature of Ketu itself. Often times you’d find vedic teachings telling you to abandon the desires of Rahu to achieve moksha.  Why are Rahu and Ketu important? Because they basically spell out where your soul is journeying towards. The key to understanding Rahu-Ketu is by balancing both - Rahu is the point that you’re new at but you want to achieve the highest standard in the quickest way possible, while Ketu is the land you already conquered, only through applying both the knowledge of the past(Ketu) to move towards the future (Rahu) can you bring about a balance existence.  This is just the bare bones of it. There are a LOT of things you need to consider when learning vedic astrology but I can promise that it’ll bring about a lot of insights. Plus you can more or less find out everything depending on the depth of your understanding. Further topics to research can be: 1) Planet’s relationship to each other. 2) House’s significance. 3) Yogas 4) Mahadashas 5) D9 chart  6) D10 chart 7) Aspects in vedic astrology
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knightofameris · 4 years
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uncharacteristic team-ups — avengers (stark!reader)
Setting: Timelines? What are timelines? I have no clue when this could be so have fun but also who cares lol (basically an AU) Gender: Neutral Contains: curse words, an in-depth description of death (like lots of it), blood, a bit of fighting alcohol mention, everything in here is platonic but relationship with peter parker could be read either way Word Count: 3.4k
Summary: What happens when a mission gone bad leads you to team up with some vigilantes who aren’t known to be good team players? Except, you have to team up with the so-called Defenders of New York as they’re the only way to get your dad back.
a/n: a self-indulgent piece,,,, lol. also uploading this despite it being done a long time ago since i haven’t posted in a hot minute.
Let me know if there are any mistakes, regarding the gender of reader, grammar, spelling, or with the story. c:
Enjoy! [repost from old account
☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆
❝ the most powerful people in New York and you were a part of it ❞
☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆
The abject horror one feels when coming across a dead body is one no one ever talks about. The stench, the sudden realization of how fragile life is. If said dead body is mutilated, violated, eyes left open to stare into the unlucky person to come upon it, it’s even worse.
But (Y/n) was left in a worse situation. The feeling of their dinner wanting to leave their stomach the same way it entered caused them to cover their mouth, trying to hold it back. The array of bodies strewn about in the warehouse caused them to shut their eyes and pinch their nose.
No one ever talked about how a body releases everything, and I mean everything, when they go onto the next life.
Now (Y/n) knows why.
“Holy shit,” Peter murmured, plugging his nose. “The smell, I didn’t realize the smell—”
Tony shushed him, his head turning back towards the two teenagers. He should have known that this small takedown of a few crimelords should have been left to the police. But when he saw his name on one of their weapons, he couldn’t help but want to investigate. Now he regrets it because even on missions, he’d ensure that (Y/n) and Peter would never see dead bodies. And now they were seeing more than they should.
Tony’s hand gripped (Y/n)’s shoulder, giving them a small squeeze then looking back over the railings onto the first floor where the bodies laid.
The lights on his armor dimmed and (Y/n) looked up at him with a tilt of their head.
“Something’s wrong,” a voice spoke out, a group of footsteps sounded throughout the warehouse. (Y/n)’s eyes widened and began to back up on the catwalk they were on, hiding from the voices.
“God, this is disgusting,” a woman spoke out.
“You’re telling me, Frank Castle, did this?” A man in a hoodie asked.  
“Yes, but this group, they wouldn’t be his MO,” another man wearing a red armored suit responded. “Luke I’m going to need you to—wait.” His mouth parted, and he tilted his head. Unbeknownst to anyone else, his eyebrows furrowed as he continued listening into his surroundings.
“We’re not alone.” The man turned his head upwards.
“Daredevil, right?” Tony was already over the railings, hovering in the air above them. The HUD on (Y/n)’s domino mask they wore had instructions over it: ‘Do not show yourself until I say so. I know you’ll do it, but don’t do it.’ (Y/n) and Peter exchanged glances in which Peter only shrugged.
“Or should I say, Matt Murdock?” Tony pointed his finger at the man in the suit, his helmet promptly coming off. Matt tensed up, his jaw clenching. His fingers parted from the eskimo sticks he held then regripped it.
“Great, now we’re dealing with superheroes,” the woman sighed, walking away.
“Isn’t that Jessica Jones?” (Y/n) murmured towards Peter. Peter inched forward, peeking over the railings then looked back at (Y/n). He nodded his head. (Y/n) lets out a silent grunt of approval then slowly sat down, wanting to hear their dad’s interactions with them.
“I’m sorry,” Tony gestured towards her and his eyebrows furrowed. “Rosie the Riveter, from what I could tell, what you guys have done in the past few years could deem you as heroes.”
“Look, this isn’t something you could blast your way through, Stark.”
“Oh, so this is something you could, punch your way through, Mr. Luke Cage is it?”
“Okkaaayyy,” (Y/n) called out, jumping over the railings and ignoring the dead bodies below. “Dad, they’re on the same side as us, they might know more than us.” They landed with grace in front of the adults and then promptly jumped back up, tapping their mask that uncovered their face. “(Y/n) Stark, but you probably already knew that.”
Tony began protesting (Y/n) but they just ignored him after putting their hand out to shake the hands of the others with a smirk on their face. (Y/n) didn’t even notice Peter landing next to them until he did a two-finger salute.
“H-hi, Spider-Man, nice to meet you guys,” Peter stammered out. “I’m usually in Queens.”
(Y/n) rolled their eyes then turned around to face Tony who’s helmet already came off. His face full of exasperation and the wrinkle lines could probably very well be from the stress from taking care of his kids.
“I swear to god,” Tony flicked the back of (Y/n)’s head lightly, “you’re both going to be the death of me.”
(Y/n) giggled, trying to make light of the situation before turning back to the others.
“We’re on a bit of a time crunch, so please, if you could just get out of our way.” Jessica leaned on one of her legs, her voice slightly desperate. (Y/n) arched a brow at her. Peter raised his hand in the air and everyone glanced over at him. “Just talk, kid.”
“You know, if you work with us you won’t have to deal with the illegality of being a vigilante,” Peter spoke up.
“So what, we’d be Avengers-in-training?” A man (Y/n) and Tony recognized as the heir of Rand Enterprises, Danny Rand. Tony had meant him once, with Pepper.
Luke scoffed, “No thanks, we’re not—”
“Heroes?” (Y/n) interrupted. “Don’t you guys already have a nickname?” (Y/n) glanced up at their dad who clicked his tongue and began nodding his head, gesturing to (Y/n) then back to them.
“Yeah, yeah, the Defenders, right?” Tony asked. “Rhetorical question but you guys need us,” he turned around, looking over the dead bodies then back up at the catwalk he was at minutes earlier, “just as much as we need—”
(Y/n) frowned and everyone exchanged glances wondering why Tony would just stop talking, he loved hearing himself talk.
He was even frozen in place, his hand raised to the side and his foot just hovering over the ground.
There’s a certain gut wrenching feeling you usually get before the bad thing happens, in movies, in real life. Usually you just look away, ignore it, and wait for the next scene. But in this situation, in this world that (Y/n) lives in, you gotta look. You gotta watch to find out what the next move is.
(Y/n)’s gaze followed their dad’s, wondering what Tony was looking at.
“Don’t look up!” Matt shouted, pushing both teenagers’ heads down. “Don’t look at her.” He held both of them there.
“Oh my,” an alluring voice called out. (Y/n) suddenly felt at peace and almost wanted to fight against Matt and look up to see who the voice belonged to. “I never would have thought I could catch one of the big ones.”  
“If you can,” Matt murmured towards the two of them, “Change your masks to see in infrared.” He slowly let go. (Y/n)’s mask covered their eyes, and they blinked, suddenly seeing everything in infrared. They looked up and saw a woman who radiated no heat but her eyes, her eyes were burning hot.
Jessica and the others had on goggles with the name Rand on the side, their fists were held up, prepared to fight the moment they saw Tony’s helmet come back online.
“Mr. Stark?” Peter called out, his voice wary.
The woman laughed, weaving her arm through Tony’s arm and hugging it tight. “I’m afraid Mr. Stark isn’t able to come to the phone right now.”
“What did you do to him!?” (Y/n) demanded, pulling out their bo staff. Jessica grabbed their arm and held them back.
“Not now, kid,” she said. (Y/n) tried shrugging her off but her grip just tightened. What they didn’t realize was another man walking out from above, a skull painted on his chest and two assault rifles in his hand.
“Alright, honey,” the woman wrapped her arms around Tony’s neck, “Let’s get out of here. And Frankie, be a dear and take them out for me?”
“Wait, dad!” (Y/n) called out, reaching their arm up towards him as he flew up and blasted a hole in the roof.
“Watch out!” (Y/n) was jolted out of their daze from Tony seemingly under the woman’s control when Luke grabbed them and set them behind him once the man, Frank Castle, began raining bullets down on them. Matt, Jessica, and Danny dove behind a car that was set in the warehouse.
Peter launched himself up onto the roof using his webs. Then pointed it towards Frank.
“That’s unfair, you can’t use guns on unarmed people!” His webs hooked onto the two guns and he yanked it back. Frank stumbled forward, grunting as he lost his balance. He wasn’t able to react fast enough when Peter launched two webs beside him only to catapult into him, knocking him out the moment his head slammed into the wall behind him.
(Y/n) gripped their bo staff, their knuckles white and waited before the shooting stopped. They watched as Peter jumped back down with a webbed-up Frank Castle in his arms. (Y/n) turned to face the other adults and their mask came off, their face red with fury behind their eyes.
“You better tell us what the deal with that woman was because she just kidnapped my dad, Tony-fucking-Stark and we’re helping whether you like it or not.”
***
“So you’re telling me,” (Y/n) rubbed her forehead, “that Adeline Trost, the woman who took my dad, can control people when she makes eye contact with them.”
“Yes, and that’s why we don’t want to call in the Avengers,” Matt replied. At this point, he was unmasked, relaxing in the confines of his apartment. (Y/n) glanced over at Peter, who still wore his mask, and then over at the others who sat spread out. Frank Castle was webbed to a chair, making him incapacitated in case he’s sitll under her control.
“Well, when one of us is compromised, we have to alert the others,” (Y/n) sighed, burying their face into their hands. They let out a frustrated groan and leaned back in the chair.
(Y/n) didn’t want this, they didn’t want to be the one making the call but they were an Avenger, and a higher ranking one than Peter was. At least, that’s what they both saw (Y/n) as.
Peter fiddled around with his hands, tapping his foot against the ground. He watched (Y/n) let out another frustrated groan and though they just seemed exasperated, he knew that they were worried about their dad. Naturally, he was too. But (Y/n) had probably lost him more times than the two of them can count combined.
“No,” a new voice spoke up, his voice gruff. “If she ends up controlling them, the whole world will be at risk.”
Chairs scratched against the floor as everyone stood up. Frank sat still though, as still as he could. He looked up, his face was bruised up and littered with cuts and scars. If he had powers, he’d be a force to be reckoned with; he still was.
“Are you still…” Danny’s arm was outreached towards him, cautious in case Frank could break out of the webs, despite it being extremely strong.
“Under that bitch’s control?” Frank asked, his head tilted. “No.” He shook his head. “I’m not and Murdock over there can tell you I’m telling the truth.”
(Y/n) looked over at Matt, their eyes narrowed at the lawyer. Matt’s face was relaxed, most likely listening to Frank’s heart.
“He’s telling the truth, you can unweb him,” Matt assured. Jessica walked over behind him before Peter could make his way over and ripped open the webs. Frank shortly stood up, letting the webs fall to his feet. He groaned as he rubbed his neck and dusted the webs off of himself.
“Woah,” Peter murmured and looked over at (Y/n) while pointing towards her, “she’s strong.” Jessica rolled her eyes and walked over to the fridge and took out a beer.
“I’m taking this Murdock.” She raised the beer then took the cap off and began chugging. Matt didn’t respond, knowing he couldn’t deny her.
“So what’s the plan?” Luke crossed his arms, looking back and forth between (Y/n) and the others.
“Alert the Avengers and,” (Y/n) raised a hand up in the air before anyone could protest, “let them know that Tony’s compromised and to not trust him. I’ll let them know that I can handle it too.”
“And you’re sure they’d trust his kid and Spider-Kid?” Luke nodded towards Peter.
“Spider-Man, it’s Spider-Man,” Peter whined.
Jessica cocked a brow at him, “You’re a kid, Spider-Kid.” (Y/n) stifled a laugh, patting Peter on his back before taking out their phone.
“I’m sure,” said (Y/n) and walked away from the group to call Rhodey.
***
Rhodey walked up to Frank, who was significantly taller and more toned, despite Rhodey actively being War Machine and a Colonel.
Frank stared down at him, adjusting his stance and his fingers fiddled around against the palm of his head rhythmically.
“Look, Colonel,” Frank started, “with all due respect, this is one of the jobs that the Avengers can’t take up. Might as well be well below your paygrade.”
Rhodey scoffed with a smile, placing his hands on his hips, the whirring of the mechanics surrounding his legs filling the quiet room. Everyone watched with silent, observant eyes. You could literally cut the tension in the room with a butterknife. (Y/n) knew they were in deep shit when Frank glanced over at them from the corner of his eye.
“This is a job that’s already been taken up by the Avengers,” said Rhodey. “When one of our own is compromised, we’re involved. I could call in the authorities right now and have you arrested. All of you.” He pointed at the other four. “But I won’t, even if I should.”
Jessica groaned, walking towards a chair and falling into it. “I need a fucking drink and I blame you, Stark.” (Y/n) ran their hand through their hair nervously and walked over towards Peter, hoping to find comfort near him.
“Can we stop this?” Luke asked, desperation laced in his words. “The longer we take on finding a way to work together, the longer it takes to take down Adeline. Frank, you need to learn how to be a team player.”
(Y/n) draped an arm over their stomach, their other hand going up to the side of their face, taping on their mask to let it go over their face and watched Tony’s vitals that the two of them setup for each other. A way to make sure the other was safe in a situation like this.
They pursed their lips, tapping their fingers against their side, ignoring what the others were talking about and just watched Tony’s heartbeat across the screen.
That’s all (Y/n) wanted, for their dad to be back and safe and alive. They’ve lost him too many times, too many near death counts. This can’t be the one where they truly lose him.
***
The streets were nearly empty of civilians. Buildings were destroyed and, despite ‘the Defenders’ wanting to keep the Avengers out of it, the Avengers became a part of it. But with the Avengers becoming a part of it, the risk of them falling under Adeline’s control increased.
The plan was to bring Adeline out in the open, have the Avengers as secret weapons in case the plan went south if the Defenders (and Colleen, she didn’t want to be left out) got stuck in control and to have Wanda use her powers to invoke her worst fears and to read her mind.
But what they didn’t expect was Adeline being able to counter Wanda’s powers and she worked backwards, bringing Wanda down to her fears and then putting her under control. One by one, the Avengers who were there, Rhodey, Steve, Sam, and Natasha, fell straight into her control.
Leaving the misfit heroes (not that they’d ever call themselves that) with the two Avengers-in-training to take out Adeline and bring them back. Which brought the block they occupied in Manhattan to be destroyed.
(Y/n) slowly walked up to Tony, ignoring the sounds of protests behind her. The Defenders, miraculously, brought a few of the Avengers back to their side, aiding them in the fight against the others, especially  Wanda. They all helped each other up, leaning on each other for support as they watched (Y/n) confront Tony.
His mask was off and his eyes were dull as he stared into (Y/n)’s eyes. His gauntlet was pointed straight at them, one repulsor blast and they’d be done for. But Tony was hesitating.
(Y/n) tapped the side of their mask allowing the nanotech to show their face; allowing themself to be vulnerable even in the case that Adeline appeared. But they didn’t care, they just needed to get their dad back.
“Dad, it’s me, it’s (Y/n).” They smiled but choked on a sob when they heard the whir of his repulsor. Until Tony cracked a smirk and he grunted, using his other hand to pull the one pointed at (Y/n)’s face back down.
Tony yelled, falling to the ground, his face scrunched up in determination. The ground hit (Y/n)’s knees, landing next to him and grabbing him by the shoulders.
“Hey kid,” he breathed out, placing his hand on her shoulder as he stood back up. The glimmer in Tony’s eyes coming back and (Y/n) knew he was back. His helmet covered his face and (Y/n)’s mask followed. “You in infrared? I don’t want you to fall und—”
(Y/n)’s arms wrapped around him, despite the bulky armor.
“How do you always get caught up in this shit, dad?” Tony hugged back, the mouth of his faceplate slightly tapping the top of their head as if it was a kiss.
“I don’t think I’d be me if I didn’t get caught up in this shit.” He pulled away, glancing back to the fight. “How’d you even pull me out?”
(Y/n) shrugged, “I just looked you in the eye. We got Frank out by knocking him out really hard too, and the others.”
“Sounds good, now how do we deal with the Adeline chick?”
“Already got her,” Jessica said. The two Starks turned to face the powered woman who held a woman with her eyes covered. Jessica shoved her down at their feet, her hands tied together. Both of the Starks’ masks came off, showing their face.
“Well, that was easy.”
“For you, maybe.” Luke spit out a mouthful of blood, walking up to them, limping. Others trailing behind.
Steve grabbed his helmet from the ground, holding it to his side. “You guys did good, you know. Not a lot of people could say they went toe-to-toe with the Avengers and survived. We could use more people with your abilities.”
“Yeah well,” Colleen sheathed her sword and held her side, leaning on Danny for support.
“We’re not heroes,” Frank finished for her.
“No matter how much you guys deny it,” said (Y/n), “you guys are heroes. You worked with us, saved us, helped me get my dad back and defeated the enemy. You’re my hero.”
“We should cap this conversation for another time.” Natasha gestured towards Adeline squirming on the ground and then towards civilians making their way to watch a large group of heroes interacting with each other.
“Sure, but I’m tossing it in the ocean because I’m not down to join a band,” Jessica began walking away, despite her wounds. “You know where to find me though, if you need me.”
They all watched as she walked off.
“She’s always like that, don’t worry,” Matt brought up with a slight smile.
“She acts cold, but she’s warm-hearted. A bit blunt at times,” Luke added.
(Y/n) rolled their eyes as the adults began to talk about trying to recruit the others to be Avengers. Peter inched his way over to them and (Y/n) looked up at him.
“This is pretty crazy, isn’t it?” Peter asked.
(Y/n) nodded their head, “It’s like a crazy crossover special episode. Pretty badass.”
a/n: skfhgkdsfg i had fun writing this even if it’s not the best but i hope you guys still enjoyed it nonetheless!
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ineffablecatblog · 7 years
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How Jonas’ death changed me in terms of my BPD/anxiety
I will never in my life forget that exact moment. June 5th, 2015. I sat in the sun on my aunt’s balcony, on a chair with my feet up on another chair, and wrote into my journal. It must’ve been around 20*C, it was close to 11am. There was a Latte on the ground with a tall spoon in it that I took a picture of for Instagram. I had a little bracelet around my left ankle. Then my phone rang and Jonas’ Dad’s name popped up. I took the call and he was crying, and I knew something was wrong. The first few words he said to me were “He had a car accident”, then he told me the rest. Jonas had battled cancer in his legs. I’d never even known that. His Dad said there was nothing they could’ve done about it except for prescribing him meds to give him time before they’d have to amputate them. Jonas had been out and about with friends, and lost control over the car because of the medication kicking in when he was on his 10min-ride back home.
My friend of around 15 years is gone. Nobody was gonna come see me at midnight anymore. Nobody was gonna take my anxiety calls anymore. It was selfish that I cried, but I did. I cried and called two friends, texted someone. I was devastated. My Dad came into my room and I told him, and cried some more, and he cried with me.
My life has never been the same ever since. I started wearing a necklace with a J-pendant. I was a zombie who barely slept and had nightmares for a couple of weeks. The fifth of every month gave me breakdowns and dragged me down into the deepest holes my depression could have taken me to. I started slacking in school even more than I already did because I couldn’t focus anymore. I dropped out right before finals.
I was already in therapy because of my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) at the time, but every bit of progress that I had made up to then suddenly seemed lost. I broke down crying every time, my anxiety got worse, I couldn’t deal with myself anymore. All control was gone. The nightmares never stopped, I actually still have them today.
Ever since then, I’m scared that I’m not doing enough. That I don’t ask my friends “How are you”, “Are you okay?” enough, that I don’t tell them “I love you” often enough, that I’m missing that they’re struggling because I don’t make enough time for them, that I’m too busy with myself to notice when they need to talk. That fuels right into my mental health problems, especially my anxiety and BPD.
For those of you who don’t know what Borderline is, I’ll list a couple of the symptoms that are relevant in relation to losing Jonas. - unstable interpersonal relationships - impulsivity/emotional instability - making effort to avoid abandonment - disturbed sense of identitiy - chronic feeling of being empty
(Before I continue, I just wanna take a second to put a DISCLAIMER here: I realize that grief is a terrible feeling, which I obviously know first-hand. I was grieving for the longest time, but just because you lose yourself in grief for a while that doesn’t mean you automatically have chronic mental health issues. If you feel like something might not be “normal” to you, you can consult your Doctor and find out what it is, but don’t tell yourself things based on self-diagnoses or stupid tests and quizzes you can take online. The internet really can be your worst enemy when it comes to mental health.)
All of these really came down onto me like thunder and lightning, all at once. On one hand, I don’t really care about most people anymore. It takes a lot of time and effort to grow close to me, to mean something to me. It sounds unbelievably cold, but with an exception of barely a handful of people, if any of my friends were to tell me “I don’t wanna talk to you anymore” out of nowhere, I’d tell them “okay, bye”, because I expect people to not stick around the second I meet them, and I also don’t have time to play around anymore. I don’t ask questions anymore. I don’t “waste” my time anymore. I can’t fight for everyone anymore, and I won’t either. I turn 20 this year, and I have my priorities set. If you don’t meet me with the same respect that I meet you with, stay away from me. Don’t get me wrong, I love making new friends. I’ll welcome people into my life very quickly, but I am even quicker to cut them off.
The other side of that is how I handle things once I get attached to someone. Once a person really means something to me, I will frantically try and make sure we’re okay. It’s hard for me to not be insecure when someone’s natural behaviour is different from what I know as “normal”. I thrive off of attention and reassurance, so if I talk to someone I love, like my best friend, for hours every day, and then one day they don’t call or text, I am already in panic mode. I’ll endure it for a day or two, but I usually freak out after 48h and text them to see if we’re good, even if it’s in a joking manner like “ARE YOU ALIVE???? lol”. I know it comes across as super clingy and very annoying, I just recently had a long talk about that, with someone who means the world to me, and that just kinda drives me in circles. I’m really scared to be rejected, but that anxiety is exactly what makes people get tired of it, and then it begins again. This has ruined my previous relationship, which is why I decided to start therapy after it ended. 
The only exception to that behaviour is my best friend of almost 6 years, Mo. We’re both busy as hell and we live somewhat far apart, so we don’t get to see each other a lot, but I know every time we do get together, nothing has changed at all. We still get lit and have a smoke on my parent’s rooftop patio together every time, that’s just a different type of connection and my fullest and purest form of trust and acceptance, I guess, and it took us six years and a lot of fucked up shit to get there.
The second I lost Jonas, I had no idea who I was anymore. I was all over the place, I hated my hair more than every before, no matter what I did with it. I didn’t like any of my clothes on me. I lost myself more frequently, meaning I mentally disappeared for a couple of minutes and just wasn’t there anymore, I watched myself from another perspective. I didn’t really know if things were real or not, I questioned everything, including just my sheer existence. Life was meaningless, there was no point to anything, so what even was life at all?
When one of your closest friends is suddenly gone, despite what people tell you, it will never completely stop hurting you. It’s been almost three years now and the fifth of every month still hurts me. June 5th still makes me cry, so does his birthday a month later.  But I’m capable of handling it. I don’t skip school/work because of it anymore. I can eat that day. I can talk to people, and I can laugh. That’s progress, because for a long time, I couldn’t do any of that.  I got better when I realized our connection wasn’t gone. I still write letters to Jonas, some of them online, most of them on paper. I still feel like someone is taking care of me when I go places. I know he’s somewhere out there. A good soul like that doesn’t die in a teenager’s body, a soul like that explores the forests and mountains of the world. The moment I understood what was going on, that I wasn’t alone, that my own physical company can be enough, was also the moment I started healing. I feel like I had so much structure going into this, and just kinda lost it when I started typing. This post really tired me out, so excuse me, if to you I seem to be pointlessly rambling about my struggles and how selfish I am. Sometimes I just need to write everything down, not only to share with those who care, but also to look back at it for myself. This is how I personally grow and reflect. You don’t have to see a point in this post, but if you do, I’m glad you’ve taken the time to read all of this, and if you need to vent, feel very warmly welcomed to shoot me a message on here or on the Gram.  All the love,
Cat. x
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ambivertaf · 5 years
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the boy with saintly names
Here’s another unfinished, short story (God, I’m so fucking lazy), and I’ll hide this person’s identity with the name Mister. So creative, right? I know, thanks. Get ready for one of the biggest cringefests you’ve ever read.
Things didn’t work with this person because we didn’t have the same attitude and philosophy towards this relationship, and just, relationships in general. I think if a person were to know how things ended from his perspective, people would almost always assume that I was completely at fault. I wasn’t the best at expressing myself and I know that, but I had my reasons (that I know I should’ve been more clear about as well). I tried becoming more of what I wasn’t for this relationship, but I just couldn’t keep up. Nevertheless, any of his friends can come ask me for my side of the story. I am an honest person and those who really know me can attest to this. Well, I hope you’re happy and have found what’s truly for you, Mister.
So here goes nothing.
I took summer classes last year and got into the Nursing students' section for my English class. I met him there, but we never talked--well I never talked to anyone except when it was debate or roleplay time and I only knew one person in the class. At the time, he was really a no-one to me. He only catches my attention when he finally comes to class. He seemed like a class-clown type of person. Outgoing. The partyboy type. Sufficiently wealthy and drives either a Mobilio or a Santa Fe--whichever his father wasn't using for the day.
Summer classes went about for 2 months. Yes, nothing happened. Until a few weeks after summer classes concluded. I don't exactly remember why, but I followed a bunch of the Nursing students on Twitter and Instagram because my friend did the same albeit rather more aggressive. I was selective, and of course, it included him. Snapchat was also fairly popular in their class so I got in there too.
Side story:
This, I thought, would be a way to stalk my crush: a nursing guy whom I was having constant eye-contacts with since the day I saw him play basketball at the inter-college games. We eyeballed for a month, then I gave in. I messaged that guy when I was drunk. It was a fairly long confession and I asked if he liked me too, but I was left inboxed, then got blocked the next day. No biggie, I'd be freaked out too if someone whom I personally don't know drunk-messaged me. Anyway, this story is not about that guy. But I still kinda like him though. He's tall and very handsome (subjective, I know). Even the way he walks is handsome. His perfume smells yummy too. Yes, yummy. You know, that smell when you just want to push that person to bed and fuck your brains out. Okay, I'll stop. But seriously, I was intensely attracted to this guy. I wrote quite a lot of entries about him here. Even dreamt about him once. And fantasized the fuck out of him. I imagined we'd fuck everyday if we became an item. Okay, now I'll really stop.
Now back to the main story!
I posted a photo of Tim-Tams on my Instagram story and Mister replied, asking where I bought them. I answered him, and he said thank you. And that was it. It was obvious to me that he was making a move. Tim-Tams are everywhere, man.
A few weeks past, our student org was having an event at this place called Gather. It was a night of live music and social interaction (gross). After a few drinks and one or two fake laughs with some acquaintances, I then got a Snapchat notification. It was a snap of a french bulldog from Mister. I was kinda confused why he'd sent me that, but I replied anyway.
"Cute ng pug!!"
He responded with "Righttt? French bulldog siya actually."
I only had "Ay, hahaha okay!" to say back. Bobo eh, bilang lang ang alam kong breeds. Sorry. Little did I know, he sent that snap to everyone, and he was just trying to start a snapstreak with me. I didn't have to reply. I just had to send him a snap back. Bobo talaga.
He replied to one of my snaps a little later, saying that he knew one of the singers. Turned out to be his batchmate from highschool. He said he'll try to come to the event, but of course, as all "Try ko"s, he didn't come. Meh, didn't matter.
A few weeks of occasional online small talks later, we were finally going to meet up and talk personally. I told him that his singer highschool batchmate was going to have a gig at a place near the school, and that I was going with a friend. He said he'd be there too. And he actually came this time. He and a friend of his took a bit of time to talk to their other friends before coming to me and my friend's table but it was alright. We glanced at each other and said our hellos. That was it. I know, that's so stupid, but I don't know. I'm the worst at meeting new-ish(?) people. Basta. I continued chatting with my friend, and he continued to chat with his. It was a big table anyway. Soon enough, his friend suggested that they go to a bar in Aguirre after the gig. Me and my friend were invited and so we tagged along. *Insert alternating shots of crazy dancing and alcoholic shots here.* I got drunk as fuck but managed to prevent puking. My head felt like it was going to blow up.
I had to go home at around 1 AM and so did everybody else. So we did. Everyone went their own ways but I was offered to be accompanied home by Mister. So we hopped on to his Mobilio. My amats had reduced at this point. We were both just "semi-buzzed". He can hold his alcohol quite well though. He's a partyboy afterall.
He was talkative while driving and as an introvert, I liked that he always had something to say. I've always found it a challenge to start conversations, let alone keep them going.
"Ok ka lang ba mag-drive ng medyo lasing?" I said. "Oo naman, di naman ganon karami yung nainom ko. Medyo buzzed, but I'm fine." "Lakas naman! Hahaha." "May turks ako dito, you want?" "No thanks. Not fond of sweet shawarma eh, hahaha." Sorry not sorry, Turks fans. "Sarap kaya! Hahaha."
He had a lot of stories to tell and I only had a few, short ones. He couldn't stop talking. He shared that he usually has friends accompany him either at home or at his condo until he's 100% sober, and he'd just drop them off the next day. His tone sounded like he wanted me to do just that. If I was really attracted to him at that point, I probably would've agreed to go, but I wasn't yet so I said that I really had to go home soon, or else no one would open the door for me.
"Thank you Mister, nice to meet you haha. See you." "Okay, see you din!"
So I was home. I thanked him again on Messenger. I'm not sure if his reply was "Anytime!" or "No problem!". Whatever. Small talk commenced once he got home as well. We said our goodnights, and he sent me a selfie. I was kinda WTF, but it's fine. I turned off my lights, took a picture and sent that to him. LOL. I'm not one to send selfies, sorry. I know I'm ugly and I cringe at the sight of my unsightly face on the front camera. So, no.
Our conversations escalated from occasional, to every day.
Annabelle: Creation came out and we, along with 2 other Nursing friends, decided to watch it. And of course, as fate would have it, the other 2 couldn't make it. I forgot their reasons why.
It's a date then. So cliche.
It was raining and I was coming from a spontaneous mini celebration of my lola's birthday in Container Turf. I struggled hailing a tricycle through the rain, trying to make it in time for the movie. I got drizzled a bit, but the show a.k.a. the landi must go on. I needed this la niña on my 2-year el niño.
I ran to the cinemas. He was standing there, holding his popcorn. Waiting for me.
It was a good movie with a shitload of jumpscares. I'm not easily scared though, and so I flinched a grand total of 0 times. Strong ako eh. Joke. I like horror movies because I don't get scared. He was a different story though.
He'd cover his eyes at times. "Uy, sayang lang ticket mo hahaha." I'd laugh at him. Sometimes his mouth. I'd laugh again. Even grabbed my arm once. *Pfft. Moves.* There, I flinched.
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lunchbox-dilemmas · 6 years
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Day 2.
I woke up at past 4am. Fuck it, I only had 3 hrs of sleep. I was wondering if your alarm went off already. Tangina. Every single time I wake up, the first thing that comes to my mind is you. You = pain. I hate it. So I forced myself to sleep again.
Can you even call it sleeping if I was half awake the entire time? My 6 am alarm went off. I checked if you’re online. Yeah, I know.. one of my habits that I needed to stop. I thought of you again. Then I saw her online. She didn’t reply on my last message. Oh, God. I really do hope she didn’t gave you any idea. Haaaaay pota this. Then tadaaa~ my over thinking self acted up. Did you greet each other good morning already? Did you leave sweet nothings on each other? Did you guys do it like we used to or much much more sweeter?
This morning routine drains the fucking life out of me already. I lit a cigarette. Inhaling poisons and exhaling stress. I didn’t want to go to work today. I just wanted to lay my ass around and do nothing. But I can’t. I need to be productive. I need to go to my store. I need to perform and lead. I need to pretend that everything is getting better. But my mind and body don’t want to.
I talked to myself again while bathing lol. It happens for quite a while now. I always tell myself Louise. Ano na? Gising gising din di ka na babalikan nun. Be the better version of yourself? Ito na ba better mo? Tangina mo ang dami mo ng bakod oh akala ko ba artista look kinesa kinesa na ang peg mo? Paano ka mamahalin nung tao kung di mo mahal sarili mo? Tama na yan. Start your day right ffs!! Maybe I shouldn’t leave the bathroom. It’s the only place where I can motivate and push myself.
I played Lany’s I Don’t Wanna Love You Anymore on repeat. Yes, on fucking repeat!! With the tiny “1” on the repeat button while driving to work. I even sang it so loud and not a single fuck was given to the riders who gave me a second look. Lol. I started feeling better. This day is gonna be good. And so I thought.
During my morning rounds, one of my closest friends chat me up on fb cursing me and telling me she cried on my Day 1 post. Loool. I was so moved huhuhuhu. The pain that was dormant on that moment suddenly resurfaced. Everything became heavy again. I was out of focus. I went out and smoked even if it’s against our company’s CoC. I couldn’t take the sadness. I needed my cigarette. All these thoughts kept coming in my head. I thought about you and her. Oh god, it’s gonna be a looong daaaay.
It’s a good thing that there were high volume of customers and deliveries during my shift. I was busy with everything that time passes by quickly. I didn’t checked my phone that often. I forgot to eat again until one of my crew gave me a tiny double down. “diet version” that’s how she described it. I was loved. Huhuhuhu. I felt better again. I even texted my sister if she wants to have dinner with me tonight and she agreed. Yaaaay!
Then it was 5 pm already. Our dinner was at 8 pm coz she still have classes so I decided to go home first before heading to Gateway for our dinner. It was a bad idea. Me going home. I was alone when I arrived. I started smoking again. One by one by one. I didn’t noticed until I was on my 5th stick. I felt drained. I thought about you. Are you heading straight home? Are you gonna go to her? Did you have fun on your lunch out with your team? Did you reach or exceed your quota for the day? How’s your day? In case you’re asking. Mine’s a mess as usual. I really really wanted it to be a good day but I don’t fucking know the reason why it always ends up being a fucked up one. I even cancelled the dinner with my sis. Too lazy and tired to go out anymore. Life what are you doing to me? Lift me up please.
So here I am now. In my bedroom. Smoking and typing my thoughts on this fucking webpage thinking that typing down all these fucking thoughts will lighten up the heaviness that I’m feeling right now.. pero bakit ang bigat bigat pa din? Putangina naman oh. Walang kwenta.
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No One Wrote For Me
Nung Wednesday lang tinanong ako ng mga college tropa ko. Late kase ako pumasok nun and they were busy drawing plates sa drawing room ng ES Building habang naiwan ako sa kiosk ng college namin, nagsusulat ng lab report kasama yung iba kong classmates na di pa din tapos. After finishing the lab report, gora naman ang lolo mo sa ES para magdrawing, walang lunch lunch (tibay ko no). Habang nagdodrawing ako inopen up ng tropa ko na pinag-uusapan daw nila kanina ako at yung tatlo ko pang tropang lalaki. Tanong daw nila kung may mga gf daw ba kami ngayon. Random na tanong kase they don’t usually ask that. Since single squad kami, sabi nila wala. And ako wala naman talaga. So nung tinanong ako kase sabi nila pinag-uusapan nila yun nung wala ako, sabi ko wala. Ang katotohanang malamig ang panahon at ang katawan ko'y bangkay na sa lamig. Char. Nagfocus na kase ulet sa studies eh. Edi wala.
But tbh, after Kent left, actually, mga nearly one year after that tragic moment na iniyakan ko habang nanonood ng Minions ( I’m so pathetic hahahaha), madami nang nangyari sa lovelife ko. But they’re just so trivial. Trivial in a sense na di ko na gusto pang i-elaborate since di naman sila seryosong relationship na maituturing ko (except kay Kiel, pero ganun pa din di seryoso). So eto yung chronological order ng pagdating nila sa buhay ko.
After Kent, after almost one year of wandering off and one month after knowing he had moved on with another guy, nag-move on na din ako. I began opening doors and windows again since I wanted to have someone with me ulet. This time I found Ronnel. BSIT, LPU-C, LoL player, though he’s topping all his classes. Accountancy siya dati kaso nagshift ata ewan ko dun. Kaso INC. I could say naging MU kami (ata? Ewan ko sa kanya) but it also lasted for about some weeks lang ata, di tumagal ng one month. Reason? I just felt he didn’t like me, and my clingyness siguro so I left. May pagpaalam naman siyempre.(kahit gusto niya daw eh clingy yung ideal guy niya). Isa pa may mga kasabay naman kase ako sa kanya manligaw and lahat sila halos kalaro niya sa LoL and I’m not the kind of guy who’d play games with him. I’d rather watch and cheer. After a week not talking to him, aba medyo nagparinig. Nasstalk ko pa kase twitter niya noon and medyo tinatamaan ako sa tweets. That was mid-February ata. Yun yung mga times na medyo lagalag ako sa Manila Baywalk Area and Intra since PA ako ni momshie dahil may mga lakad siya and shopping galore sa Divi lol. Di naman ako serious about it, so madaling nakamove on.
After Ronnel came Kiel. BSIT din, LPU-C din (tangina tirador talaga ako ng IT hahahaha char lang eh sa sila yung lumalapit eh malay ko ba). President siya ng Section nila, 4th year graduating na sila noon. Medyo seryoso sana ako sa kanya noon kase he was the first one I ever introduced to my family. Though it was grandma and grandpa, sa Manila Memorial sa Dasma. At least, wag na siya maarte achievement niya yun ang hirap kaya magtago tangina hahahaha. Mga one month din kaming naging MU. Kasama pa namin noon magdate yung bunso (as in bunsong friend) niyang si Harvey and yung bf din nun na si Will. Sa Mcdo Manggahan. He was my first kiss. First torrid kiss din actually. Gago talaga pag naaalala ko yung mga part na yun nandidiri ako sa sarili ko. Wala na nandun na yun eh. Ginusto ko naman lumandi eh edi go. Kaso MU pa lang kase kami on the rocks na. Kesyo busy lagi iniintindi ko naman kaso kung puro good morning and good night na lang kami palagi wag na lang. Di ko siya feel noon. Isa pa feeling ko talaga libog lang hanap sakin nun eh. Wow teh linis ng puri natin ah charot y em I so hard at myself? Then after a couple months of breaking up nagbreak na din pala si Harvey and Will. Sayang naka-1 year na sila mahigit tapos nawala din. Gwapo pa naman ni Harvey pwera biro. Medyo crush ko na nga yun eh but anyway, hanggang dun na lang yun hahahaha. Graduating na ang “brothers” this March. Uhm bale si Harvey pa lang ang sure ko. Si Kiel ewan ko pero pihado pagraduate na din yun. So proud pa din ako kahit wala na. Siyempre friends pa din kase kami (sa FB, acquiantances na lang in reality).
After Kiel (wow kinacareer ko talaga ang paglalande!) came Garry. This time, sa campus naman ako naghanap. Tangina teh anlandi ko din eh. Pero oy hinde ah nakasunod to sa 3-month rule. Mid-feb to Mid-May is three months na (Ronnel to Kiel). Then Mid-May to end of July is 2 and a half. (Kiel to Garry). Uhhh, oo nahahanap na nila ako mga 2 and a half pa lang pero bakit ba? Tangina si Ronnel nga may kachat nang iba after 2 weeks habang nagpaparinig sakin. Si Kiel nga lang nagfocus sa acads with his bestie brother. Kaso since feeling ko talaga dapat kong mabura si Kiel dahil walang kwenta yung nangyari as in puro away and libog niya lang ang nangibabaw, ayun. Basta pakshet happened. Pero di naman ako nadeflower dito. Slight lang. Hahahahaha. *dies without dignity*
Anyway, Garry was (oo was na kase AB Journalism na siya ngayon) a BS Food Technology sophomore (oo na child abuse na kase 3rd year na ako neto pero mas matanda siya saken ng isang taon duuh), irregular. We just had a series of phone calls and texts and exchange of thoughts late at night. MU na din siya since he fell when I was about to. Until shit happened. Feeling ko he was just infatuated physically. I even presented to join him in enrolling (kase July na nun and enrollment na) kaso ayaw niya. And pinapalayo niya na ako. Choosy pa siya kala mo kagwapo niyang nilalang baka nga pagtawanan niyo pa ako kung makita niyong medyo nabaliw pa ako sa kanya. Hayst. So distance distance na agad ako. Basta that 4-month vacay was the worst vacay ever.
After that nagpakahalaman na lang ako at nagfocus na lang din sa acads. Hirap din nun ah. Kailangan ko noong mabawi yung acad scholarship kong nawala dahil kay Brigida. So nagfocus talaga akong maigi.
Then last December, came one of the craziest love stories in my life. Yes, crazy in a way na di ko nakilala ng lubusan si Zach, his screen name. One November night he just popped out of my friend requests and unknowingly inaccept ko siya. Then we started to talk, with him saying the first hi, and me the mandatory hello. I never got to know his real name but he said that it starts with an “H”. January 26 daw ang birthday niya. Daw. We became close friends for a month or so. He’s such a kind guy. Accountancy daw siya sa Manila, Pasig to be exact. DOST scholar. Evident naman sa kanya yung talino niya since nakakausap ko siya deeply about anything. Parang galing UP ganern char di naman mga PUP lang pero since halos ganun na din yun, edi wow. Hahaha. Di ko nga lang alam kung saang school siya. Di daw kase kilala, state university lang daw (duuh kami din koya state u ano problema?) and he wants anonymity from me. I was so pissed I even said “tangina nag-friend request ka chinat mo ako tapos ayaw mo naman magpakilala sapakan na lang oh ” inside my head. Sabi niya tawagin ko na lang daw siya sa gusto kong nickname niya. Sakto nakasuperman akong damit nun so naisip kong Superman ang itawag sa kanya. Payag naman ang mokong. Di niya alam kakachat niya everyday nadevelop na ako. Then one day he opened up his sexuality. He says he’s straight. And I was like: “Beh straight? Weeeh ruler na nga lang straight ngayon nabebend pa.” Then he admitted na medyo confused lang daw siya and he’s having a hard time discovering himself. Nevertheless, mas lalo pa akong nafall. Ang bait kase ng loko. Yung mga tipo ng mga chinitong pafall. Oo beh chinito ang koya mo. At least sa pinakita niyang “picture” niya. Na di ko na matrace kung kanino (kung kanya ba o hinde) since walang available na google image search sa mobile even offline (char malamang walang offline tanga). Then came December. Sikip na sikip na ang lolo mo sa nararamdaman niya so ang lakas ng loob ko (oo anlakas online kase eh) na umamin sa kanya kahit hindi ako lasing. Sabi ko feeling ko nagkakafeelings ako sa kanya. Di ko naman sinabing mahal ko na siya like duuh, internet. Nadala na tayo diyan. Sabi ko I think nagkaka-feelings ako. Sinabi ko lang naman yun to release what’s inside me. Then there’s silence. Tas biglang umentrada siya ng walang magbabago thingy. Syempre pag inentrahan niya na ng ganun kahit ikaw mismo di magbabago siya magbabago din. Edi magbabago ka na din. Tapos sabi niya gusto niyang bigyan ako ng chance. Aba nabuhayan ako ng loob syempre. Though it’s just for verification purposes lang din naman kung ano ang nararamdaman namin. KASE SIYA DIN NAMAN DAW MAY IBANG NARARAMDAMAN. WOW HEAVEN. PAASA MALALA LVL 99999999999999. 
After a week he said stop. As much as I wanted to know more, kaso stop na daw, masunurin naman akong bata, stop ang lolo mo. Tas dun na nagsimula yung We Don’t Talk Anymore drama. Tangina beh iniwan ako sa kalamigan ng December. Bumati ng Merry Christmas. Bumati din ako. Ako bumati nung New Year. Bati din siya. Biglang nung January, sabi niya magdedeactivate na daw siya. Kako ikaw bahala. Nawala na yung profile niya, though yung messenger nun available pa. Last usap namin is nung February. Post-Valentine greeting ako. Bati din siya. At may pag-inggit pa. Tinanong ko kase kung may dinate siya. Secret daw. Edi ako kako secret din. Kahit wala naman talaga kase gumawa lang naman ako ng BD plate nung araw ng Valentines, since Foundation Day yun ng school and walang pasok. Panghuli na yun and feeling ko di na masusundan pa. Sayang. Di ko man lang nalaman ang buong pangalan niya, at least.
This January to mid-February, After Zach, or “H”, came Nate and Kirby. Si Nate is an Applied Math stud sa UPLB, and Kirby was a Mechanical Engineering stud sa PUP-T. Bat dalawa? Aba eh isa lang talaga dapat, si Kirby lang since siya unang nag-approach. Eh si Nate naman nanligaw, di ko na mapaalis kahiya naman diba. And I was in a way knowing Kirby. Kase nagvow na ako sa sarili kong ayoko nang manligaw so GTKEO stage muna bago ligaw. Wala din namang nauwi sa kanila sa happy ending, since nabusy na ako sa acads and di na naging constant ang communications namin. And di pa ako over nun kay Zach. Duuh. Ang sakit kaya magmove on. Kasora nga lang kase akala ata ni Kirby nung nagtawagan kami nung New Year eh kami na. Like hala, kako ligawan mo muna ako at magkakilanlan muna tayo. I did my part to save something kaso walang nangyari. Kay Nate naman, aminado ako na at some point di nagtugma yung ideals namin and points of view so di rin siya pumasa kahit siya pa yung nagfirst move. And I’m so sorry na napagsabay ko silang dalawa. I really prayed one would stop or both of them would stop. Ayun they both did.
And now I’m back to being a halaman. What hanudaw bes? I mean, halaman na ulet ako ngayon. Happily coexisting with others, walang emosyon, walang nararamadaman, pero minsan nauuhaw din kaya kailangang madiligan char. Not in that “dilig” way ayoko nun.
But of all those people, no one ever thought of something that could’ve made me fall for them so much. No one ever thought of writing a poem or even a letter about me. I guess I’m just too toxic for them, so toxic their minds couldn’t think of a single phrase to describe me, of what they see in me. I guess I’d just wait for that moment, when someone would pick me up from the muck, and try to make my flowers blossom, so they can write about my colors, my flaws, and even of my own demise.
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youremyonlyhope · 5 years
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Fugitive of the Judoon
So. I was spoiled before watching the episode. I am VERY happy about the spoiler. I am very NOT happy that I was spoiled. I’m especially mad at the person who spoiled me. But I’ll get to that when the spoiler actually happens.
I am beyond excited. The possibility of the Master being back was enough. The Judoon being back is amazing. But this spoiler? Has me dying to watch this episode. This guy is vaguely familiar I love this lady so much already. This music has the Judoon vibe and I approve. Mo lo so no kro do! I love Judoon. “A platoon of Judoon. Near the moon.” Lol. “Trigger happy police.” ...so... American police? They’ve updated to stamps instead of markers. OH HELL NO he did not shoot her knitting. How dare you? Oh god. Killing her is worse than the knitting. The cake makes him officially creepy. Leading them to this guy makes him worse just because he’s jealous. Why must you buffer?!?! IS THAT A TARDIS. CAN’T BE. THE VOICE. IT’S. MY. BABY. HE’S HERE! HE KISSED HIM! MY BABY. CAPTAIN JACK!
John Barrowman posted on Facebook that he was happy to be back. I saw it while at work. And literally shouted “NOOO” and pushed away from my desk. Then I jumped around in both rage and joy for a good minute while my coworker looked on in confusion. Then I raged more because I was angry I couldn’t be surprised by him appearing. But then for the whole rest of my shift and on my way home I was just giggling and laughing to myself. I just. I can’t. My baby. My back Jack. Is bad. I’ve been BEGGING for years to have him back. And he’s here!!!
His voice! Makes me so happy! I wish I could have just recognized it and been like “...Jack?!?!?!?!... no... can’t be...” without knowing ahead of time but just. You guys. He’s back. And I am happy.
And you know what? It’s fitting that I got spoiled for it. Because I was spoiled for him being the Face of Boe just before watching that episode so many years ago. So it seems that I’m not allowed to ever not be spoiled about Jack Harkness reveals.
My mom walked behind me while Jack was on the screen and she was like “HEY! WHAT’S HE’S DOING HERE?!?!” so now my mom’s been spoiled too.
JACK’S BACK! MY BABY!
Of course Jack stole a ship. “Not he. She.” “Oh! I’ve got to see this!” Jack’s giant smile was my exact smile when Thirteen was revealed. Jack. Baby. You’re not helping by teleporting the Doctor’s companions away from her.
My dad isn’t watching with me since he’s watching the Grammy’s but I’m freaking out so much. I was telling him that the only thing better than Martha coming back would be Jack. He doesn’t have much context for Jack, but he loves Martha so now he gets why I’m excited. And Jack has dealt with the Master! He might not hate him as much as Martha would, but still. This is all I want. Bring in the Master. Make Jack meet him. “I had a dream about this.” Jack, you never change. And I love it. “Do I have to spell it out for you?” Um.... Yes I think so. Faithful companion!? ...She ripped off his horn... OW.
IT’S FROZEN. Spectrum’s livestream is freezing. I’m missing scenes. I’m so mad. I missed whatever was in that text. I missed everything between Ruth and the Doctor just now. I refreshed. Now it’s freezing on Jack. Apparently there’s a Cyberman? Something about Nanogenes?? I have it playing on my tv now. My dad stopped paying attention to the Grammys. But it’s a commercial on my tv. And it’s still buffering every 2 seconds on my computer so it’s still at the Jack scene. And I’m so mad. I missed everything that happened for the last 10 minutes. Is Ruth a sleeper? Like in Torchwood Sleeper? Or is she the Cyberman? It’s freezing on my TV too now. I am so mad. Do you people not understand how LONG I’ve been waiting to have Jack back and my TV and computer decide to make me miss parts of it? CHAMELON ARCH!??! WAS THAT TIME LORD ENERGY LIKE A CHAMELEON ARCH!??!?!?! Nooooooo. NOOOO NO NO NO..... WHY IS THE TARDIS BURIED?!?! WHAT. THE DOCTOR!? SHE’S GOT THE ROUND THINGS. ...MAYBE SHE’S THE VALEYARD!? OR THE RANI!? WHICH OF THOSE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUTURE VERSION OF THE DOCTOR!?!? I haven’t seen enough Old Who to know which is which. THE NEXT DOCTOR ALL OVER AGAIN?! CYBERMAN INFOSTAMP!??! NO IT’S ACTUALLY A CHAMELEON ARCH! WHERE IS MARTHA WHEN I NEED HER!?!?!?  Alternate dimension maybe?
No seriously, this whole commercial break I’m like “Where’s Martha?! She’s done this before. Where is she?!” and then I realized. Lee and Ruth are in love. Lee got to be in love his Doctor when she’s been Chameleon Arched, Martha didn’t. Which just makes me sadder about Martha.
Still confused. Is my baby the Master showing up in a minute? Is he who they all work for? “Is there even a word for how dumb you are?” “’Doctor’” Yep that’s accurate. Oh this has to be a two-parter. I can’t see how this can end right now but also I’ve missed entire scenes so who knows. Not me. I’m lost. Missed whole lines of that confrontation because BBC American keeps freezing. Missed whatever the last line of that scene was since it went to commercial.
I’m so mad. I was so excited for this episode. But my stupid cable wouldn’t let me enjoy it. Not online and not on my actual TV. I’m so mad.
I still don’t know what’s happening because it’s so jumpy. ARE YOU TELLING ME WE GOT JACK IN AN EPISODE AND HE DIDN’T GET TO MEET THE DOCTOR!?!?!?!? “You don’t know me.” Well I’m glad the Doctor is really making it clear that she’s hurting and they have no clue who she is. I’M SO MAD MY TV AND COMPUTER KEPT FREEZING FOR THAT ENTIRE EPISODE. Did the credits really just say “And Introducing Jo Martin as the Doctor.” ?!?!?!?!?!?!!??! So is she the Doctor?!?!?
Literally the only thing that kept me going was that I had captions on since I know BBC America usually has the audio cut out randomly, so I just have it on in general so I don’t miss anylines. But this time it was just like... the image would be completely frozen or jumbled pixels while the captions kept going. But sometimes the captions were jumbled and just no help. So honestly, I think only comprehended half of those last 40 minutes if I’m lucky. I have to watch it again later I guess...
I’m so mad. About the episode freezing. About being spoiled.
I’m not mad at Jack though. I’m glad to have my baby Jack back. I’m mad at John Barrowman for spoiling me by posting on Facebook hours before Americans got to watch it. But also I can barely be mad at him since I love him so much. Well that’s a lie I am actually really mad at him. But my joy of seeing Jack overpowers it.
Anyway. I guess that was a good episode. I have no idea though. I missed most of the last half.
So... is she actually the Doctor? Is this like another John Hurt situation? Shoehorning a Doctor into the timeline? Or will this be a Doctor from another timeline/dimension? One where Gallifrey wasn’t destroyed (twice)?
I have a lot of questions, but I guess most would have been answered If I’d gotten to actually watch the episode properly. But my biggest question is when will Jack be back again!? I need him to meet the Doctor. Please.
0 notes
Im 16 i saved 2 years for a car, bought one now cant afford insurance can someone help me? i live in kentucky?
Im 16 i saved 2 years for a car, bought one now cant afford insurance can someone help me? i live in kentucky?
ok like i said i bought a car and im just wanting to be a secondary driver for right now but the cheapest place ive found is 1152 dollars every 6 month... and that is liability... im looking for something about 80-150 a month i dont care about what it offers just the cheapest possable insurance.... whats some small cheap insurance places... ILL TAKE ALL ANSWERS LOL... THANK YOU
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancequotesonline.xyz
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ok like i said i bought a car and im just wanting to be a secondary driver for right now but the cheapest place ive found is 1152 dollars every 6 month... and that is liability... im looking for something about 80-150 a month i dont care about what it offers just the cheapest possable insurance.... whats some small cheap insurance places... ILL TAKE ALL ANSWERS LOL... THANK YOU
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ok like i said i bought a car and im just wanting to be a secondary driver for right now but the cheapest place ive found is 1152 dollars every 6 month... and that is liability... im looking for something about 80-150 a month i dont care about what it offers just the cheapest possable insurance.... whats some small cheap insurance places... ILL TAKE ALL ANSWERS LOL... THANK YOU
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How much is car insurance?
"How much is car insurance?
I'm 17 and I need insurance for a car so I can own it. How much is it usually for an kinda old car like 2010 or older?
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://salecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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I am 16 years old and I have my drivers permit, is it legal to drive myself and my sister to and from school in my friends car without being on the insurance policy? its my friends dad car and I want to use it for school..""
How much does a 21 year old female pay for insurance on a 4 door car on average in Ontario.?
How much does a 21 year old female pay for insurance on a 4 door car on average in Ontario.?
Insurance question minor accident no damage to my car?
Hi, A driver made a reverse and hit my bimper. nothing happenned to my car but his step bumper is a bit bent. not the secretary of the company called wants me to pay around $2000! or ...mostrar ms""
Am I being cheated by the car insurance company?
I was on a bike and I accidentally hit someone's car and broke the back windshield. Nothing else on the car is damaged except windshield. Later the car owner's car insurance company (state farm) send me a payment of $1700, and they have a subrogation service (Afni) to collect payment. First of all, I believe it DOES NOT cost $1700 to replace a back windshield, like I mentioned, nothing else was damage except the windshield on the back. How is this amount calculated? The subrogation service has been pressuring me to pay the amount. I will pay for the damage but I don't believe I have to pay this much. Could this be the owner of the car falsify the claim? What should I do? I don't have car insurance, I was on my bike. It was a total accident.""
How much is car insurance?
I'm 17 and I need insurance for a car so I can own it. How much is it usually for an kinda old car like 2010 or older?
Why do you have to get insurance to get your drivers liciense? ?
I don't have a car. My parents hv a van but I don't drive it all the time. Mainly I drive it when I'm on the highway. I live in Baltimore Maryland. Just why smh.
Infinity insurance reviews?
Me and my husband are looking to change insurance companies for our cars. We currently use Geico, but it just got really expensive. We got a quote from a broker of a company called Infinity but I've never heard from them, I was wondering if anyone has had any experience with this company or could give me some reviews about it! Thanks a lot!!""
How much will insurance rates go up for hitting a parked car?
I accidentally hit a parked car and there is a lot of damage to my car (paint, door won't open) and minimal damage to the other owner's car (slight tear on rubber bumper) how much will my rates rise?""
First time drivers auto insurance?
Ok so I'm 17 and I'm a first time driver can you please name some of the cheapest insurance for me. The most a 100/ month thanks I live in California
200$ Car Insurance for 19 year old?
I was told that Car Insurance is usually around 1200$+ for people under 25 years old cause of risk. But I was curious exactly how much so I went to GEICO online for an insurance ...show more
How much is good car insurance for a uk driver?
I am looking around at car insurance comparison websites, and I want to know if the quotes I'm getting back are reasonable. How much would a reasonable monthly insurance payment be for a UK driver with more than 15yrs experience? Also, how much would it be if you added a newly qualified driver as secondary driver to that. The car is a 2006 Ford Galaxy. I know it depends on the other extras etc, but I just want to get a rough idea of what would be a reasonable amount to expect for this, on average.""
Where can I get a good car with cheap car insurance in UK?
I'm going to start driving soon and wanted to know where to look for a good car with cheap car insurance. I just need a car that can get me around to places.
Does anyone know if the 5 hour turbine transition for helicopters is a reg or just an insurance minimum?
I can't find anything in the FAR's that mentions anything about having to do a 5 hour turbine transition when going from flying piston helicopters to turbines (as long as no type rating is required). Is it just an insurance minimum?
What is the best and most affordable home owner's insurance in Texas?
What is the best and most affordable home owner's insurance in Texas?
Auto Liability Insurance help?
SO how old do you have to be to have only liability insurance? My son got his license and I might only get him liability insurance cause its cheaper. But, some people told me you have to be 18 to have only liability""
""Is it cheaper to buy a BMW and/ Mercedes in Europe taking into account all costs including shipping, insurance""
Is it cheaper to buy a BMW and/ Mercedes in Europe taking into account all costs including shipping, insurance""
""Car insurance, what to do?""
So my predicament is this. I am a 19 year old going to college. I am a full-time student(12-14units) I really need car insurance, because I have a car and a license, but my problem is. I don't possess the money to pay for the insurance, and I live in a town where finding a job is impossible. I have about, 500 dollars saved up, but not sure how long that will last me. I live in American canyon California, I am 19, and my GPA is 3.6.""
Car insurance for a first time driver?
i am currently looking for cheap car insurance but i can't get it any lower than 3,060 does anyone else know companys that specialize in first time drivers ?""
I NEED HEALTH INSURANCE FAST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
i'm a 19yr old female, in california. i work part time at a retail store...i think i may have asthma, and i need to get to a dermatologist fast, cuz of my acne problem...nothing seems to be helping me...not even proactiv. but i don't have any health insurance!!! plz help me!!! i need to go to the doctors fast, cuz i have suffered an asthma attack recently and it completely freaked me out cuz i couldn't breathe...and my acne is getting worse. other than that, i think i'm fairly healthy...i'm 5'7, and weigh 140 pounds.... plz help me!!!!!!!!!! i need like the most affordable health insurance out there!!!""
""Okay so sent off for my provisional license and thinking about cars and insurance now, just need a little help?""
Okay so I'm 16, turning 17 very soon and going to start driing lessons soon, but I need a car after that and I'm going to have to pay the majority of the insurance and the car myself. I only have a part time job where I work thursday evening and saturday mornings at like 6.00 an hour. What car is a good car for a person my age, what about insurance for that car how much is that going to cost? Overall what would you say is the total amount I should save up in order to get a car and decent insurance? Thanks :)""
What is the best and most affordable auto insurance company?
I have a 1997 geo metro, I don't drive much everything is around me and I work out of my house, I just want basic coverage at a cheap rate.""
Cars that are cheap to insure in UK?
hi im 18 and just passed my driving test. i looked for cheap insurance for my dad's wv golf but cheapest route i found was around 2500. i was wondering what cars are cheap to insure!?
Motorcycle Accident And Insurance?
I'm in California I was involved in a single bike wreck. immediately after wards two other motorcyclists collided in a separate but close in time and distance accident to mine. Now the insurance company is coming after me to pay the bill (Metaphorically). What should I do? any suggestions?
Would you get heath insurance and if so who through?
Me and my husband married young, when we married I had insurance through my job which was great but now, since I went back to school we are without insurance. I am in school ft and he also works but is two hours under what he has to be working to get insurance a week. We are 21 now and are wondering if you view health insurance as something someone our age needs and if so how to shop for it, what type to get and where to get a quote. We are both EMTS and have ran rescue before and we have seen lots of people without insurance but we want to make a well informed decision regarding this health insurance. Might I add that we are generally healthy, have a general practitioner at the moment that we rarely use, and during our marriage of two years have never been to an ER for any reason... Any insite that you have into this situation would be great! Thanks and God Bless""
How much will my insurance go up?
I live in Maine, I was pulled over yesterday for doing 74 in a 65. I got a ticket obviously. It's my first one EVER. I am 24 and my parents pay my car insurance. I wanted to just pay it and not tell them about it because they will get mad. We have our car insurance through State Farm and have for a really long time. Some of my friends are telling me that since it's my first ever ticket it shouldn't effect my insurance too much. Is this true???""
Car insuance??
what highers your insurance and what are some tips to lower it??? I am a 16 YEAR OLD GUY so its gunna b high because of that i have heard if u have a ~sports car ~coupe ~yellow car ~if ur a guy ~if ur a teen ~if u buy a high profile car ~if u drive more than 40 miles a day ~if u have a bad driving record all these things higher the cost of insurance.... anything else and any tips?
Insurance for additional drivers has shot up?
I'm 16 and looking forward to buying my first car, so a few weeks ago i saw that if i was the additional driver on my dad's policy it would only cost around 400. However i have tried a few recently and they all have shot up to 1500+!!!!! Does anyone know why? It's ridicuolous how much they are trying to charge me for first years insurance.""
Will my insurance go up if my car gets hit?
I was driving home with my roommate and gave her permission to drive back since i cant see well at night. And on our way home another driver slammed into my car. Both the other driver and my roommate and I pulled over and the other driver admitted she was at fault and that she would pay for all the damages to my car. Will my insurance still go up even though i wasn't at fault and the other driver is offering to pay all the damages through her insurance? P.S. my insurance is met life and the other drivers was Allstate.
How much does a teenage car insurance for a 1991 chevolet corvette convertible cost per month?
my grades havent been good till this year i kinda have a bad record idk if that would effect it so ya i no i turn 16 on tuesday and im getting the car for my bday so i need to no quickly how much the insurence would cost thanks
Are fire insurance mandatory in California(near Los angeles)?
If a house is all paid for, is fire insurance still mandatory? If your house catches on fire and gets completely burned down, when does fire insurance pay you? Also how does fire insurance determine how much to pay you?""
How much is car insurance?
I'm 17 and I need insurance for a car so I can own it. How much is it usually for an kinda old car like 2010 or older?
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/health-insurance-medical-individual-leon-mcbride"
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