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spine-buster · 3 years

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the first time.

gif credit @/denis-scorianov

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day lovelies!!! This chapter is 5k+ words, so I hope you enjoy! 😇

Bianca Yang was in her kitchen enjoying her morning cup of tea when she came face-to-face with Rasmus Sandin.

She’d heard every single little thing about him, of course. She felt like she already knew so much, she was actually shocked that it took her this long to actually meet him. What colour his hair was. What colour his eyes were. How tall he was. How he had a nice smile. The exact pink hue of his lips. How the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled at her. How big his hands were. How big his feet were. What position he played in hockey. Where he lived. What car he drove. What he liked to do with his spare time. Who his best friends were. How he passed the time.

The only thing Bianca didn’t know was why he was in her kitchen at such an early hour.

“Good morning,” he greeted her politely. “I’m Rasmus. You must be Bianca.”

She raised her mug to him slightly, as if to cheer him. Rasmus had invited Lusine to the game against the Chicago Blackhawks on December 11th even though he wasn’t playing. He was in the press box, and she was in the family lounge with the likes of Aberdeen and Bee, but she stayed so late at Rasmus’s house that night that Bianca heard her get into their apartment at 2am. The team had gone on another west coast road trip following that – despite the game against Calgary being cancelled – and Rasmus was busy with physiotherapy while Lusine was busy with her final midterms. The team had gotten back from Seattle late Sunday night/early Monday morning, and now they only had one more game against St. Louis until they broke for Christmas. “You spent the night, huh?”

“I did,” he nodded. “Clothes were kept on, though.”

“Clothes are always kept on with Lusine,” Bianca said. “She talks a lot about you, you know.”

“She talks a lot about you too,” Rasmus said. “How you guys met, how close you are, all that stuff. How you're best friends. You’re her favourite person in the world.”

“Ooooooh no no no,” Bianca giggled, shaking her head. “I’m one of her favourites, for sure. But ever since you came into the picture, you’ve been her favourite person.”

Rasmus couldn’t help but blush. Here was someone that knew Lusine better than anyone, so her words meant something. Bianca was able to see things in Lusine other people couldn’t see, and that maybe he couldn’t see yet either. “You think so?”

“I know so,” she said confidently. “And by the way she talks about you, I’m not even offended. Although I do want to make the obligatory statement that if you hurt her or make her disavow love and turn into a nun, I’ll personally castrate you.”

Rasmus giggled. He wasn’t exactly planning on doing that. If he had his way, Lusine would be anything but a nun. “Deal,” he said confidently.

Before their conversation could go any further, they both heard Lusine’s footsteps on the creaky wooden floor of the apartment. Soon enough, she appeared in the kitchen, still in her pajamas (like the all were) and hair in a messy bun. “G’morning,” she smiled at her roommate. Bianca smiled back. “What are we talking about?”

“Rasmus was just mentioning how he’s a great cook and is gonna make us breakfast,” Bianca smirked.

Rasmus laughed, looking at Bianca while Lusine looked in between them. “Oh really?” she asked, keeping her eyes on Rasmus.

“Mhmm,” he nodded. “I make a mean scrambled egg.”

***

Later that afternoon, Lusine found herself at the Mastercard Performance Centre for the Leafs Family Skate. Being neither a Leaf, nor family, nor knowing how to skate, she felt a bit awkward as Rasmus pulled into a parking spot. Rasmus turned off the car and took the keys out of the ignition, but he made no movements to get out. Instead, he sat in the driver’s seat, looking over at Lusine. “You okay?” he asked.

Lusine nodded. “Of course. I just don’t know how to skate. You’re going to have to teach me.”

“Me and the room full of hockey players who know how to skate pretty well,” he smiled.

Lusine did smile, if only for a second, before continuing. “I used to know how to skate, you know. I did it all the time.”

“You told me.”

“It’s just that after the accident, my parents wouldn’t let me. They said I could fall and smack my head on the ice and crack my skull open and die. They said someone could fall and the edge of their skate could slit my wrist or my neck and I’d bleed out. They never let me go skating again. Not even on school field trips. I couldn’t even go to arenas to watch my friends,” she recounted.

Rasmus nodded in silence. At this point, he knew she only wanted someone to listen. For someone experiencing a lot of firsts because of circumstances beyond her control, it was important for her to reflect on them as much as possible, regardless of how eager or excited she was to actually do the thing. “At least you’re able to learn again with me now,” he offered with a soft smile. “I promise that I’ll make it fun.”

Lusine smiled back at him. “You make everything fun.”

They walked inside together, holding hands, Rasmus leading the way into the back, which was decorated with a mix of chic and cozy decorations and kid-friendly stuff. About half the team was already there, sipping on hot chocolate and munching on some TimBits Wayne Simmonds bought as “skating fuel”. Lusine caught up with Aryne and Courtney as Rasmus went to find her some skates. By the time he came back, he was walking in with William, Aberdeen, Jason, his wife Jennifer, and their four daughters. The room got a whole lot cozier. It was putting Lusine at ease.

When the whole team arrived, people started to put on skates. For those who knew how to do it by themselves, they did it along with the guys. But Lusine had to wait for Rasmus, because she didn’t know what she was doing. He’d gotten her hockey skates, too, and she only remembered ever skating with figure skating skates as a kid. When he was finished, he helped her put on the skates and tie them up properly, much like her dad or older brothers did when she was a kid: standing in front of her, blade of the skate between his thighs. From beyond him, she could see John tying up little Jace’s skates, and Morgan tying up Bee’s. All of Jason’s daughters were putting on their own skates – even his youngest.

“Smiiiiiile!” Aberdeen cooed as she brought her phone up beside Rasmus and Lusine. They posed with giant smiles – and Lusine’s foot still in between Rasmus’s thighs. Aberdeen gave them a thumbs up when she was done. “Cuuuuute! I took fifteen. I’ll send them to you, Lusine.”

When Aberdeen walked away, Rasmus focused his attention back on Lusine. “Are you excited?”

“Very,” she nodded. “Maybe not to fall on my ass, but yeah, I’m excited.”

“I won’t let you fall on your ass,” Rasmus dismissed the notion. “Besides, if you’re going down, I’m going down with you.”

“You have a knee to protect,” she warned. “I have nothing to lose besides my dignity.”

Ramus buckled her helmet and made sure the laces weren’t tied too tight and that she got used to the feeling of standing with the skates on her feet before he led her to the walk out. There were so many people on the ice, and Lusine even noticed some sleds for the babies and toddlers. She looked at Rasmus as he stepped onto the ice effortlessly and immediately turned back around to face her, holding his hands out. “Ready?”

“I don’t need to hold your hand,” she said confidently. “Just tell me what to do.”

“Step out onto the ice with bent knees,” he said. “You don’t want to skate with straight legs.”

She did as she was told. The skates were freshly sharpened, so they were extra slippery, but she was able to step onto the ice with both feet and not faceplant or fall flat on her ass. It was an amazing start. It was maybe a bit of a beginner move, but she brought her arms out for balance. “What next?” she asked.

“You find your balance?” Rasmus asked.

“I think so.”

“When you’re ready, go like this,” he showed her, positioning his left leg away from him but the toe of his right skate forward. “You push off with this leg,” he tapped his left leg with his thigh, “and point this one to guide you where you want to go,” he tapped his right leg. “Where do you want to go?”

“Towards you.”

There was a deeper meaning in that statement, that was for sure. But for now, both were focused on making sure she could do this. Lusine did as she was told, and despite not going far at all and wobbling, she did it. She at least wasn’t in the same place as she was before. “Good! Good!” she could hear Rasmus egging her on. “Now do the exact same thing again but with the other leg.”

Lusine did it. Slowly, very slowly, and still wobbly, but she did it. “Look at me!”

“Come towards me like you said,” Rasmus egged her on. “This time put some power in the push, lilla fågel. It will get you further.”

She pushed off again, and again, and again, going further and further each time. By about the fourth, she had a giant smile on her face, as did Rasmus, and they were both laughing as she skated towards him, and he skated backwards so she could never get to him. She almost lost her balance three times, but they were able to skate the width of the rink. And once she did, she was finally able to skate into Rasmus’s arms, laughing like a schoolgirl as Rasmus cheered her on like she’d just landed a triple axel. “I did it!” she yelled happily, looking back at where she’d started to where she was now. “I did it and I didn’t even fall!”

“You were amazing!” Rasmus said. “Ready to do it again?”

And so they did. They were left alone while Rasmus skated backwards and Lusine always tried to catch up to him. At some points, William and Aberdeen would skate by them holding hands to cheer her on; Morgan and Bee did as well, clapping and chanting her name like she’d just made a big save; in both instances Lusine was acutely aware that neither Aberdeen nor Bee knew how to skate very well either – that they were holding hands with William and Morgan and using them, essentially, to help them go a reasonable speed along the ice. So maybe she wasn’t the only one who didn’t know how to skate or was bad at skating.

“I don’t think this one should be teaching you how to skate,” a voice remarked sarcastically from behind Lusine. Before she had the chance to look back (and possible lose her balance, Auston Matthews had come into view, skating along beside her at her glacial pace. “He only learned how to skate backwards yesterday,” he smirked.

“I skate backwards better than you!” Rasmus retorted playfully, causing Auston to laugh.

As quickly as he skated up beside her, he was gone. Lusine skated into Rasmus’s arms again, and he held her for longer than usual. “One more time?” he asked.

Lusine shook her head. “Can I hold your hand now?” she asked, nodding her head over to where William and Aberdeen were across the rink. “Can we skate like that? It looks so sweet.”

Rasmus blushed. He grabbed her hand immediately and squeezed it. “Of course,” he said, positioning himself beside her and waiting for her to push off so he could start skating too. “Maybe Aberdeen will take more pictures of us. It’s been twenty minutes since our last photoshoot with her.”

Lusine couldn’t help but giggle. “She thinks we’re cute, huh?”

“She thinks we’re adorable,” Rasmus said. “Clearly, since she’s always taking pictures of us.”

“That’s because we forget a lot. We need to stop forgetting.”

As if on cue, William and Aberdeen were skating towards them, and Aberdeen’s phone was in front of her face. “I just got the cutest pictures of you guys!” she squealed. “I’ll send them to you, Lusine.”

Rasmus and Lusine looked at each other and smiled.

***

The rest of the family skate was amazing. Rasmus and Lusine skated the entire time, stopping only when the hot chocolate was brought out to the bench. They skated with Aberdeen and William, and then with Pierre Engvall and Timothy Liljegren, before ending off with Aryne and John. John had been pulling his two boys in a sled for about half the skate, and eventually, when Aryne took the boys out when they got fussy, John suggested Lusine get in and have Rasmus pull her around.

She did.

She giggled the entire time, and of course, Aberdeen was the official photographer. Rasmus was taking videos and selfies too, and Lusine could only imagine what she looked like hanging out of the kid-sized sled. When they were all sledded out, they posed for some group photos and individual couple shots (yes, couple shots, even thought, well…never mind) before going back into the locker room and taking off their skates.

Rasmus made sure to help Lusine take off her skates before running them back to where he found them. Alone with Aberdeen beside her on the bench, William off with Rasmus to return her skates, Aberdeen sent her every picture she took that afternoon. “Did you have fun?” Aberdeen asked.

“Loads. And my God, Jace and Axton are adorable,” Lusine responded.

“Oh my God, yes,” Aberdeen nodded. “Isn’t Jace completely John’s twin?”

“Yes!” Lusine exclaimed, unbuckling her helmet and pushing it off her head.

“I felt bad for Aryne at first because of it, but Axton is her twin, so it’s a perfect mix,” Aberdeen smiled.

Lusine nodded, and in a split-second, a flash-second, a nano-second, a micro-second, Lusine noticed Aberdeen’s eyes move up to look at her forehead. And in that split-second, flash-second, nano-second, micro-second, Lusine knew her makeup had rubbed off because of the helmet. She knew her big forehead scar was visible, at least somewhat. She took a deep breath and tried not to freak out. “By the way, is there a women’s washroom back here? I should probably go before we leave.”

“It’s just past the doors and down the hall to your left,” Aberdeen guided her. “I’ll let Rasmus know you’re in there.”

“Thanks,” she smiled, getting up and following her directions. She locked herself in the bathroom and rushed towards the mirror to check.

There her scar was, in all its big, ugly glory.

***

Lusine tried to get her mind off of Aberdeen – someone she highly respected – and God knows how many other people seeing her scar by making out with Rasmus once they got back to her apartment. She’d settled with herself quickly in the car that she wanted to finally lose her virginity and have sex with him, and she wanted to have that sex tonight. She was ready. Well, she was making herself ready. She was hyping herself up for it. Bianca had gone out for a booty call, so Lusine knew they were safe. She started kissing him the second they took off their shoes. Rasmus was slightly shocked but received it well, and soon his hands were all over her body. When they moved to her bedroom, they didn’t even stop kissing.

Rasmus’s hands kept slipping under her sweater, and her body felt hotter by the second as he continued to kiss her. Long, passionate kisses gave way to Rasmus biting and pulling her lower lip, short kisses that peppered her jawline, and long, wet kisses along her neck – he definitely left a hickey or two. Just another mark on her body – except this one would go away eventually. In her haste of deciding so quickly that she wanted to lose her virginity, she didn’t even consider that, if this was going to go where she expected it to go, where she wanted it to go, Rasmus would have to take off her sweater and see her body scars. But him seeing them was different than anyone else on the team or someone like Aberdeen seeing them – he’d already seen her facial ones.

But these ones were much bigger.

“Rasmus?” she breathed out between kisses.

“Hmmm?” he hummed, his hands underneath her sweater.

“There’s…you’re—you’re gonna see a few scars,” she said in a soft voice. Rasmus stopped kissing her to listen. “There’s one along my clavicle, and then—the one…it’s really big. It goes from my chest all the way to my back and it—it’s not—it’s just really big.”

“From the accident.”

She nodded. “From the accident.”

He nodded too before leaning in again and giving her softer, more romantic kisses – a change from the previous ones. Lusine could feel his fingertips at the hemline of her sweater again, but there was no direct action to raise it up. She realized her was waiting for her to lift it, so she did in one full scoop. She held her breath.

Rasmus just kept kissing her. There was no long look, no turning of her body to see the whole thing and how long it went on for – nothing. Nothing that she thought would happen did happen, and instead of being grateful, she wondered why. Was he overcompensating? Was he pretending not to notice even though they were glaringly obvious? She tried to shut her mind up and focus on the feeling of his hands on her bare skin. When she felt his hands wander to just below her breasts, she shivered.

“It doesn’t hurt if I touch it, does it?” he asked quickly.

“No. It just looks bad.”

More kisses. Then, she felt his hands moving along her exposed body. Down to the hem of her pants, then back up, then cupping her breasts through her bra, then back around. Eventually, he took off her pants, and bra, and any other article of clothing she didn’t realize she was still wearing, and she took off his shirt, and pants, and any other articles of clothing too. His fingertips grazed along her scar in parts, and every time it did, her body shivered. Rasmus picked up on it. There was no way he couldn’t. “Are you okay?” he asked quickly.

“Yeah.”

“You keep shaking,” he continued. “You need to tell me if you’re nervous.”

“I will. But I’m not.”

Their kissing continued, and despite her best efforts to try to keep her mind on the actions that were happening, Lusine couldn’t get out of her own head. Did Rasmus think it looked disgusting? There was no way he didn’t notice them by now. God, and she even forgot to mention the scar that went down the top half of her back from the spinal fusion surgery. Was it all he thought about despite his constant kissing? Did he—

“Lusine.”

“What?”

“You just—you went, like, limp—”

“I just can’t believe this is happening,” she lied, so quickly she couldn’t even believe herself. She kissed him quickly in hopes that he wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. “D’you have a condom?”

Rasmus looked her in the eye. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” she said quickly. “Is it in your wallet?”

Rasmus bent over the bed to reach for his pants on the floor. As he stretched, she was able to see every defined muscle in his torso, every curve and grind stereotypical of a hockey player. He wasn’t a bodybuilder, but he was toned. Lusine knew she was biased, but she honestly thought he was one of the most beautiful people alive. He was perfect in every way to her, not least because of his near-perfect body. Unlike hers, it didn’t have scars all over it; it didn’t have memories of near-tragedies that would be there forever. She could only imagine what he thought when he looked at her body and saw her scars. How could he even be here right now, on top of her on a bed?

“Lusine—”

—A part of her wondered if he was holding back. If he was ready to vomit, especially when he saw the scar that curved from her chest and all the way to her back—

“—Lusine—”

—She knew she would. They were hideous. What could he see in her?—

“—Lusine,” Rasmus’s voice finally snapped her out of her thoughts. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she lied, lied through her damn teeth. “Are you ready?”

“Are you?”

She nodded. “Of course I am,” she spread her legs wide for him, putting her hands on his chest.

“I’ll go slow,” he said, leaning down to give her a quick kiss. “You need to tell me if it gets uncomfortable, okay? Or if it hurts. So I can stop.”

“Okay, I will.” He already wanted to back out. It was so clear. He took one look at her scars and said NOPE! But she didn’t blame him. They were hideous – as hideous as any scar could be – and they weren’t exactly an aphrodisiac.

She felt him push inside of her slowly, and right off the bat, she felt pain. She wasn’t an idiot – she knew the first time was always painful – but this was especially so. She felt horrible that it did, because it was all her fault. She couldn’t get out of her own head. “Does it hurt?” he breathed out.

“Yeah, but that’s to be expected, right?” she said quickly, trying to dodge all the thoughts in her mind. “Keep going.” She could feel Rasmus push in slightly more, and more pain jolting throughout her body. She didn’t want it to be this painful. Nobody wanted it to be this painful. But her thoughts and her body were so disconnected right now that she knew why it was painful in the first place. In her mind and thoughts being so disconnected, she didn’t even realize that tears started forming in her eyes and her body had winced at the push.

“Lusine—Lusine—” Rasmus’s voice was distant, even though he was so close. “Lusine, talk to me.”

“Keep going.”

“Lusine—no—if it hurts, I—are you crying?”

She tried to stop them from escaping. She really did. “No no. It’s okay. Keep going,” she urged, even going so far as to angle her hips up slightly so he’d go further into her, but it only resulted in more pain and more tears.

“No, Lusine—”

“It—it—it—” she stuttered out. “It hurts—”

“—Lusine, I’m gonna stop—”

“—No no please, keep goi—no—”

“—Lusine, I don’t want to hurt you—”

She couldn’t do this. It hurt so bad. And it was all because of her. She pushed his body off of her, despite her eyes being fogged with tears, and darted out of bed to run to the bathroom. She could hear Rasmus call out her name desperately, his loud footsteps following her to the bathroom, but she slammed the door and locked it before he had a chance to reach her.

“Lusine! Lusine!” Rasmus called out desperately, shaking the handle of the bathroom door and knocking frantically. “Lusine open up! Please open up!”

“Go! Just go!” she yelled back, making no effort to open the door for him.

“I’m not going anywhere. Please come out. We need to tal—”

“Go home!” she yelled louder. He could tell she was in the middle of sobbing by the sound of her voice and how shrill it was. He leaned his forehead against the door, trying to catch his breath and shaking his head to himself. “Please just go home, Rasmus.”

Rasmus knew he wasn’t going to go anywhere, regardless of how long it took her to go to the washroom. He would wait the entire night if he had to. But he also realized he was still naked and the condom was still on, despite what had happened. Quietly, he tiptoed back to her room and disposed of the condom before grabbing his boxers and at least putting those on. He went back into the hallway, outside the fortress wall of the washroom, sat outside of it, and waited.

He’d waited for at least an hour. Near the beginning, he could hear her sniffling and crying. His heart broke into a thousand pieces, knowing that she was just on the other side of the door and there was no way he could console her. He could hear her whimpers afterwards and it broke his heart even more, knowing that he’d caused her pain. He’d tried to be slow, nice, and considerate – it was her first time after all – but something just wasn’t right. He didn’t know if it was with him or her – likely him, if he was being honest – and he felt like beating himself up over it. Lusine was perfect in every way, and he couldn’t live with the fact that he’d caused her so much pain.

For the last half an hour of her being in the washroom, it was silent – completely silent. Rasmus’s mind went wild with what she could be doing or thinking in there. But then, like a stroke of magic, he heard the door unlock, and the handle turn. He looked up.

Rasmus’s eyes met Lusine’s. He looked like a lost puppy sitting on the floor waiting for her to emerge. The first thing he noticed was how red and puffy her eyes were – the crying really did a number on her. But despite that, she was still beautiful. She always was to him. It didn’t matter how she presented herself, what she wore, what she looked like, how her hair was styled – she was always, always beautiful to him.

She was wearing a robe tied tightly against her body. She looked genuine shocked to see him on the floor in his boxers. “You stayed?” she asked.

“Of course I stayed,” he said. As if there was another option. He got up from the floor in one swift movement, despite his knee injury. “Lusine, what happened?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her.

She shook her head. She thought she was done crying, but she apparently wasn’t. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, fresh tears rolling down her face.

“Shhhhhh,” he cooed as she lay her head against his chest. “You don’t need to apologize. I just want to know what’s going on.”

“I thought I was ready,” she said against his chest. There was really no other way to put it. “But I wasn’t. I wasn’t, because…” she paused.

“Because why?”

Lusine removed her head from his chest and looked him in the eye. He deserved to be looked at when she was being so totally raw and honest with him. She didn’t want to chicken out, no matter how hard she was crying or how it sounded. “Because I thought you’d see my scars and think I was vile.”

If his heart had shattered into a thousand pieces hearing her cry in the bathroom, then right now his heart shattered into a million pieces now. “Oh, Lusine,” he cooed, bringing her back against his body and hugging her tightly. She was so desperate to be as close as she could be to him, despite what had just happened, that she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and jumped into his arms. He caught her effortlessly as she wrapped her legs around his body, and he ended up carrying her back to her bedroom where he sat on the bed with her body still wrapped around hers. “Lilla fågel, that’s not even near the truth and you know it. I would never—I could never.”

At the sound of her nickname escaping his lips, Lusine breathed in and out heavily, calming herself. She pulled away slightly so she could look him in the eye. “It’s so hard,” she whispered. “I want to believe you. And I do. It’s just so hard, because this is the first time all of this has happened to me.”

Rasmus knew what he had to say next. He knew they needed to get everything out of the way before they could move forward with anything. “You have to show them to me so we can get these thoughts out of your head.”

Lusine knew what she had to do next. She knew they needed to get everything out of the way before they could move forward with anything.

She moved to stand in front of Rasmus and loosen the tie of her robe. When it was undone, the robe dropped to the ground, and she stood in front of him completely naked. He could see now, finally, all the scars that she was so worried about. He saw the scar on her clavicle, light pink and as long as the bone was. He saw the big scar – the one she was most nervous about – starting in the centre of her chest and running down below her breasts before cutting across her ribs and around to her back, long and continuous and pinkish-white in colour. When she turned around, he saw a long scar along the top half of her spine – no doubt where she got the spinal fusion surgery.

When she turned back around to face him, Rasmus pulled her in close. He wrapped his arms around her body and kissed her. In the face of such stunning vulnerability, she was the most beautiful person alive, and in that room, Rasmus made a pact with himself that she’d know it for the rest of her life because he’d show it to her.

“Is it ugly?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“No,” Rasmus said without hesitation, knowing exactly what she was talking about. Is it ugly. Is it ugly? Not ‘Are they ugly?’. It. Singular. Her body. She was talking about her body. “Not at all.”

“You don’t have to lie. It looks like I’ve been carved up.”

“I’m not lying,” he said again, just as quickly as last time, taking her hand and pulling her into him so their bodies could be touching again. “I wouldn’t lie to you, Lusine. You’re more than what you look like.”

She took a deep breath so she wouldn’t cry again, and surprisingly, she succeeded. She was probably all out of tears. “I’m sorry for what happened,” she whispered.

“Don’t apologize.”

“I want you to stay with me. Will you stay?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Lusine kissed him quickly. “Will you hold me?”

Rasmus nodded. He watched as Lusine moved quickly to put on underwear before slipping into her bed with him. He automatically wrapped his arms around her and snuggled into her like his life depended on it. More and more these days, his life was dependant on it. Bodies intertwined in bed, boobs pressed against his chest, legs intertwined, Lusine looked deep into Rasmus’s eyes. “You’re the only guy I’ve ever showed willingly.”

“Then it was an honour,” he kissed the tip of her nose.

Lusine could fall asleep like this every night. Every single inch of her wanted to. “There’s something about you, Rasmus. I don’t know what it is, but you’re magic.”

“You’re the magic one, lilla fågel.”

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