#Perseverance Crisis

[theluckywizard]

In the Shattering of Things, Ch. 75: Perseverance

Chapter Summary: Rose sets out to convince Cullen to stay with the Inquisition.

Fic Summary:

Lady Rose Trevelyan's idle, aristocratic life blinks out in a haze of irrelevance when the breach destroys the Conclave. She may be soft and coddled when she joins the Inquisition, but there's a fierceness inside her she's yet to fully recognize. Armed with only a few relevant skills and the mark that makes her a legend, she is thrust onto a path delivering hope where it’s long been scorched away and finds comfort in the grumpy, handsome stick in the mud charged with her protection and training. As she stumbles her way across southern Thedas, she begins to realize she's tangled at the center of machinations she barely understands, and she's not alone in that. Enter Hawke. Excerpt below the cut 👇

Scout Liska stands outside the door to Cullen’s office, bouncing one hand against the other as she watches me approach, whipped by the winds that funnel through the keep.

“Inquisitor—” she says, shaking her head.

“Scout?” I inquire.

“He’s— not in the best mood.”

“I imagine not,” I say, and then push inside past her feeble protest.

Shit. 

Maybe I should have listened. 

Cullen’s office is a wreck— his desk cleared, a chair tipped over, shards of green glass dispersed in a violent spray across the floor. There’s some kind of small wooden box cracked apart by the door, its contents scattered amongst strewn paperwork. I recognize the carving of Andraste on the inside and then the soft blue luminescence of lyrium splattered on the stone tile beside it. The whole place reeks of it, cloying like summer sorbet yet unpleasant and overwhelming.

Against the wall behind his desk, Cullen sits with his knees drawn up in front of him on the floor and his head hanging into his lap. It’s a sharp reminder of that late spring morning when he’d retreated from me, folded up tightly so the horrors of his past and any comfort couldn’t get to him. I can’t fully read his state as he is. He breathes forcefully through his nose, grasping fistfuls of his hair. Agitated yes. But angry? Aggressive? It’s hard to know given the state of his office. I can’t assume he’d want me to approach him, but I’m not backing away either. He needs someone.

“Cullen.” My voice cracks in my dry throat.

When he doesn’t answer, I kneel to wipe up the spilled lyrium with my handkerchief, knowing how the stink of it must haunt him at the moment. I’d thought he’d given it up, but perhaps they’re for emergencies. Hoping to clear the air of it, I toss the stinking rag out the southern door. Then I pick up the pieces of what I assume is his kit, a miscellany of foreign looking tools and a few small intact philters. I walk the box to his desk and then quietly start picking up papers, the right words and the wrong words tangling into an impossible knot in my mind.

I tip the chair upright and shake out the sheepskin to tuck into it, remembering how he’d procured it for me at one point. And then I attend to his journals, their pages curled awkwardly against the floor and stack them neatly on the corner of his desk. Next are the shards of glass, an empty bottle of wine, I suspect. 

“You once asked me what happened at Ferelden’s circle,” he rasps.

I set a piece of glass down on the pile I’ve been making and nod into it. While I’m tempted to look his way, he almost certainly doesn’t want to be seen.

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[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Welcome to Coffin city. What could possibly go wrong here?

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[yeagrave]

✨

[philosophybitmaps]

[columboscreens]

[lulu2992]

Me questioning everything after failing repeatedly in HITMAN: Freelancer.

[bluesidedown]

.

[jellogram]

People in apocalypse movies are so determined to stay alive when it's clearly not the right thing to do. If civilization crumbles and everyone is dead and there's no hope of it ever getting better I am breaking into the pharmacy for sleeping pills and then laying down in the creek forever

[thistransient]

I, it seems, have not made my annual birthday reflection post yet this year. It was certainly an eventful time: I had surgery, finished the highest level offered at my language school (of course, there are always more at NTU and NTNU but I felt a bit done with commuting to 大安 every day), made a close friend, traveled a bit, decided to be more social and actively trained myself to go to events alone, got into shibari, started bicycling regularly and eating vegetables instead of instant noodles, survived my dad visiting, disentangled myself from a draining relationship, actually attended a job interview. Now, however, at the beginning of 34 I find myself a bit adrift considering I never expected to get this far. It’s hard to discern if I’m a) strangely content with my current life b) depressed or c) it’s just summer in the subtropics and bloody hot, thus when one is neither employed nor in school there is simply not much else to do but lay on the floor in a state of undress until the sun goes down. (I do type this from the library though, where I am ensconced mainly because a friend was going and I decided aircon was critical today). I need to reestablish some sort of life goal to trundle onwards with because evidently “work on getting permanent residency” is too vague and long-term for my brain which is used to calculating the future solely in 3 month increments. (Hey, visa runs give me something to do.)

Perhaps last year’s undertakings created a sort of foundation, in that I feel more comfortable interacting with the world, and my Mandarin skills are finally good enough to attend events/classes aimed at native speakers, not foreign learners. However, hell if I know yet what I’m going to build on it. My usual response to this sort of malaise would be to start learning a new language, or move to a new place, but they say the definition of foolishness is to try the same thing repeatedly hoping for different results. I suppose the only solution is creativity, right?

[prismbearer]

Been thinking about Lae nonstop since I made that post last night djdnhshs

[officialambassadorfrisk]

i apologize to 💚 and the others for never properly introducing myself... you can call me percy

- percy 💜

Oh!! I forgot to answer this!!

Hi Percy!!! I love your name ^-^

[news24h]

The Story of Isaac: A Emaciated Man's Dream in Africa

In many regions of Africa, famine continues to ravage lives, robbing millions not only of their meals but also of their dreams. Amid this hardship, Isaac, an emaciated man with a heart full of hope, offers a poignant glimpse into the harsh realities he faces and his simple dream of a satisfying meal. Isaac lives in a small village in Ethiopia, where the arid land fails to sustain its…

[tayasui-mono]

I think my favourite concept in Dunmeshi is that... There is an urgency in most of us to sacrifice our peace of mind when push comes to shove. Perhaps to worry means that you care about the emergency at hand (whatever level of emergency that is subjectively) and we pinpoint focus on the task and everything else disappears. Our sleep and diet patterns change even though these activities are pivotal for our dopamine systems and functionally make us feel healthier and help us think clearer. It's self-punishing, the "grind" so to speak: to persevere we have to forget the self and think solely of the object.

But Dunmeshi doesn't let you get away with that. These people's friend is captive in a monster's body, their world is literally ending, and still they sit down to eat. To eat is to live. Only living things eat and it is the privilege of the living. Yes, there is a crisis. Yes they are upset and heartbroken and distressed. But they still focus on the food: the very thing that sustains you and gives you energy to think, to move, to keep going. A moment of gratitude offered to life by actually, consciously indulging in it. They aren't bad people for eating while Falin's suffering, no. It is simply unfeasible to give parts of yourself to a situation while hoping to gain twice as much back. Just take the time to make food, think about how delicious it looks, and eat. Even if you fail, you need to eat. Even if you succeed, you need to eat. You need to live life no matter what. You need to enjoy it no matter what. It is never "inappropriate" to just live your life.

[millennial-midlife-crisis]

I wish I had learned more about money earlier, not been afraid of it, and viewed it as a tool, that is to say, not something from which to derive meaning about myself.

*I wish I would not have wasted so much time trying to get my family to love me

*I wish I would have found my identity much earlier

*I wish I had learned to manage my emotions in my 20s

*I wish I could have developed my soft skills more

*I wish I had embraced my introvertedness and not worked so hard to be an extrovert

*I wish I could have learned how to love

[mephxles]

can you tell square enix and capcom have me in a chokehold

[madewithonerib]

5.] The Daily Grind

10 days, every hour = 6shifts/d [4hr/shift]

Sixty prayer shifts & if we take four people off drugs that's 240. [48:30] 

I know you understand numbers here because you have prayer shifts—also with people. So there we were, people coming to the LORD & growing up & doing rather well.

Then leaving, and doing rather well. Then leaving, yes it is like that with the poor, one thing you must never do is to try to identify leaders too soon.

It's killing, you cannot. [49:22] 

     They're not there for you to shape your future      Ministry, or run it, or inherit it! They are there      to be loved, and cared for. And allowed to fail      because they're worth it!

     Because HE died for them & HE died for me &      thought apparently I was [worth it]

So it didn't look that good.

Because they came & they went. [50:01] 

5.1] Putting to Death the Old Man

Romans 6:6 | ⁶ We know that our old self was crucified with HIM so the body of sin might be rendered powerless, that we should no longer be slaves to sin.

There was one called Ah-Chow, I loved Ah-Chow.

I'd met him & told him about JESUS & he received JESUS—he was a gangster from another gang. I had met him again in court.

It's a long story.

When he saw me in court, he had decided to plead guilty, instead of not guilty—which he was going to plead. But because he caught he saw me out of the corner of his eye..

It's a long story, eventually Ah-Chow says he really wants to get off drugs & he comes to live with us.

On day two, he changed his mind.

Now people do

……………………………………………………………………..………..      It's called the old man in the new man ……………………………………………………………………..………..

We've learned to listen to the new man, not to talk to the old man. “I don't expect you to understand.”

But he said,

   “Now I've decided I don't want to follow    JESUS after all. I think I need to leave…”

So I said, “You cannot leave, we're going to pray in tongues & you'll be fine.” And he said, “I will not! I'm leaving & you cannot stop me.”

And I said, “I will. You see, I believe you when you said 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗝𝗘𝗦𝗨𝗦. That is what I believe. I don't believe what you're saying now.”

He said, “I will jump!”

We were living on the seventh floor at that time.

I've rented or borrowed over 300 places over the years to pray people off drugs. This one was on a 7th floor & he said, “I'm gonna jump.”

I'm terrified of heights, so I turned my back & said OK, he disappeared & later on I looked & I couldn't see a puddle at the bottom—so I went to the lady in the apartment next door.

The balconies are a long way apart, but I thought he might have done it—so she was an Indian, and I said

“Would you mind if I looked on your balcony? I've lost a boy,” & she said “oh yes, I am having a difficult son—so I understand.”

So I looked on her balcony, I couldn't see anything & I came back. I think I'll look again. Drug addicts are very clever—very clever!

He was hiding in a corner.

I don't know how he could have hidden, but there he was—so she said, “Oh you are having a good time with your son?” Yes & so anyway, he refused to go into the apartment where we were praying him off drugs.

Who was helping me?

At that time no one, but over the years we've had lots of people who've come for a while & some people who have come here today with me.

—who've stayed many years & he said: “I'm not going in! I'm leaving”

And I said, “I'm not going to let you leave.”

I held onto the stair banisters,” & he said, “I'll scream.” I said, “Okay scream, but I'm not letting you go.” So he screamed & he really screamed. The neighbors started walking down the stairs..

“My difficult son, you know.”

The screaming didn't work & he said, “I'm gonna strip!” So I said, “Okay strip.” Well he did, but he only down to the underpants.

And I wondered why he went only that far? You know, so eventually he got exhausted, I outlasted him and the brothers who were in the apartment saw that he was tired & said, “Come & take a bath!”

And so we took him into the apartment.

They discovered why he'd left the underpants on:

    because he had 6 watches stuffed down his     underpants—which he was going to pawn     when he ran away. So yeah very smart.

Anyway there was nothing for it after the bath.

He started reluctantly to pray in tongues; & of course after that, he went straight asleep.

The LORD is so kind & the next day:

Day three, I remember him coming into the sitting room & saying I have so much to learn: We started the miracle is one thing, the growing up is another..

5.2] Disappointing Lack of Growth [55:22] 

We've seen them come, we've seen them go.

And apparently sometimes we have had nothing to show—& I read about my friends in other countries running their groups & multiplying their cells.

And having civilized alpha dinners.

You don't have alpha here, no it's very civilized; & we were losing them as fast as we were gaining them.

Persevere says the LORD.

One day it somehow seemed to turn around.

   •  We kept four, then there were five.    •  We lost three & so on & so on

And I don't know why it happened

It doesn't matter where it happened: You see for me I would stay.

Anyway you understand.

I'd lost my Ministry.

I was no longer a street Evangelist—I was a reluctant house mother trapped looking after these men who didn't seem to be changing quickly.

Then one day, somehow there we were:

The government lent us some tin huts & believers from all over Hong Kong used to come & worship with us—It got to be quite well known.

Testing of Your Faith 1,2,3,4,5,6 | Jackie Pullinger [Hebrews 12:1-3]