#PURELY BECAUSE OF THE DIALOGUE FROM THE TRAILER I HAD TO REWRITE

[showakyonen]

YOU COULD SAY I’M EXCITED FOR YUNYUN SYNDROME

[eowynstwin]

Finally finished the damn thing. I kept some notes but they all boil down to one point: the turnaround for this game must have been no more than six months. Nine maximum. And it shows.

I don't even know where to start. The scripting, the pacing, and the entire plot were slapshod. And it's almost as if the game refuses to make sense for the sake of contrarianism; it feels like it would accuse me of being stupid for not getting why everyone likes Rick and Morty. I could evaluate it plot beat for plot beat but I'm on four hours of sleep and frankly? I'd like to move on with my life. This is a demon I've meant to exorcise for months and the damn thing is nearly out of me. So here are my main points.

The script is heavy handed. It's like every line the actors spit out around a mouthful of gravel were written first to be trailer soundbytes and second to be dialogue. No one talks the way these characters talk, not in real life and certainly not in the games they've starred in previously. It's all workable enough, if you're thirteen and playing this game with one hand on the controller and the other around your penis, but for the rest of the population it's pure schlock.

Makarov is a nothing burger of a villain. We are constantly—CONSTANTLY—told how dangerous he is, how competent he, is how brilliant he is, and yet every scene he's in I fail to be compelled. He is the most generic of megalomaniacal idealogues; every villain speech he gives sounds like tumblr dom dirty talk, or maybe reddit whining. I can't help but compare him to Valeria of Modern Warfare 2. In very few scenes, Valeria compels us with the force of her personality; she owns every interaction she inhabits, shows us that she is every bit the bloodthirsty narco we've been told she is. It's easy to believe the she could have accomplished everything she did. Makarov, meanwhile? The most he does is tell everyone how stupid they are and how he's going to win in the end.

Nothing new happens. Makarov is engaging in chemical warfare like MW2019's Barkov. Every gameplay map is lifted from MW2's multiplayer. The ULF is being scapegoated again for terrorism committed by Russian forces. Even Graves and his fucking missiles are in this game. I have the strongest feeling that this game was developed entirely in crunch, with so little time to write it that treading old ground was the only way the writing team could meet their deadlines. The only exception to this is Soap's death, which honestly gave the impression that the writers needed to make SOMETHING dramatic happen, if only to defibrillate an audience that had not been marketed to enough to even be all that interested in this game.

In all I shouted "FUCK OFF" at this game multiple times. I can count on one hand the number of things I liked about this campaign and I really, truly could not tell you what those things are right now because my brain is fried. The result of less than a year of development is an amateurish second draft of a game that I've thought of more than once as a lost orgasm. Briefly, before I spent these five hours watching and reacting (and pausing to take ibuprofen), I considered trying my hand at doing a basic plot rewrite, but it is not. Worth. It.

I stand by what I suggested earlier this year/late last year—the game should have ended with Price's death—but now on the other end of this experience I don't care enough about MW3 to give it that kind of dignity. I'll sign off this review with what I've been saying since the start:

DON'T BUY THESE FUCKING GAMES.

[moved-attre]

Rewriting Cyberpunk 2077 into a bullet point list! LET’S GO!

(Disclaimer: I’m trying to be realistic. So no, “every single detail of the game changes based upon every single choice V makes” but just things I expected in an RPG from an AAA company in 2020. I take a lot of inspiration from the old trailers, and rumors of pre-2018 development.)

And this is really long, too. Sorry. 😜

Okay, so first off: Act 1 generally goes off the same as it does in canon. I’m open to other ideas, but I don’t think it’s a bad starting point. I do think V and Jackie should have had more time together, doing smaller jobs until Dex calls. Like, there should’ve been side jobs that were only available in Act 1. You have to get a minimum of 5 street cred before you get the conversation with Jackie about Dex.

The heist still goes to shit; Yorinobu kills his father, Takemura rebels against him and Arasaka factions split. V inserts the chip into their head, Jackie still dies and Dex shoots V in the head. Takemura rescues V, kills Dex, V wakes up in Vik’s and is told they have 4 months to live. (2 weeks is not enough!)

On to Act 2! The origins actually affect the game, so there’s three versions of it you can play. (Some things happen regardless of the origin, though.) For example: Corpo V has contacts in the Corpo world and pursues leads about the Relic there through their old friends. Street Kid V has contacts in the gangs, like the Valentinos or Maelstrom, who have dirty dealings with corporations and can get V in on Arasaka knowledge, Nomad V has leads out in the badlands about the corporations and gets in that way, hijacking transports to get some info. All origins can work with the corporations (like Hanako’s branch of Arasaka, Militech, Biotechnia, etc.) or against them. Like, the point is to snoop around the corporations and dig up some dirt on the Relic and Yorinobu’s Arasaka branch specifically but each origin goes about it differently?

Maelstrom vs Meredith Stout choice actually matters. It’s one point in a subplot I mentioned above, where V continually makes choices on whether they’re gonna side with the corporations or the gangs/people of NC against Arasaka in order to be rid of the Relic. Also affects V’s relationship with Johnny. You can also have a real, long term relationship with Meredith if you pick her side and get Militech support, or count on Maelstrom to help you in the main plot against Arasaka. Both sides will still attack V if they poke their nose in, meaning random encounters can still happen.

^ The subplot is like, making a deal with the devils (The corpos) or... other devils (The gangs). One person objectively could say one is better than the other, but they’re both awful. Night City is kind of rotten to the core, and V’s problems can’t be fixed by a pursuit of justice. V can still be a good person in either case, and it’s still kept kind of punk by going against the head honchos. I think this more suits the “Wake the fuck up, Samurai. We have a city to burn.” quote because V is churning up a path to the top, even if their methods are purely selfish. V themselves can be uninterested in righting wrongs, but they kind of turn NC on its head by challenging Arasaka so changes come anyway.

Point, is you fuck everything up either way. THEN, V can choose whether to trust the corporations and work with Hanako to “change the system from within” without disrupting people’s day-to-day lives (short term good choice I suppose?) or to let the gangs rise up and cause total anarchy. (long term good? since the downtrodden are rising up and maybe there shouldn’t be absolute power in the hands of a few.)

T-Bug doesn’t die. V thinks she’s dead, but sometime in Act 2 gets an anonymous call and meets up with T-Bug. She went underground after the botched heist, and isn’t eager to work with V again. Maybe you do a few missions with her, and she comes around? Or you fuck up and never hear from her again. I imagine she’d love to poke around at the Relic, if V helps her.

Giving Jackie’s body to Vik has real consequences. If you give his body to his mother, you attend the ofrenda and get his bike, his mom allows you to use his den as a place to stay... It’s basically the ‘good’ choice, if you care about the characters. If you give his body to Vik, you unlock a side mission where Arasaka steals his body to find the relic. You have to go and find it but it was destroyed(?) at some point by Arasaka. You can get his pistols (Which are, aside from Johnny’s pistol, the best weapons in the game. I don’t get why they aren’t in canon...) in this route and whole lotta angst, so his mom basically hates you because she blames you for not being able to bury her son and the bar is off limits. No getting the bike, either.

More content involving Alt Cunningham. V still witnesses the scene with her and Johnny, her kidnapping and death. But, Ghost AI Alt allows V to look into Alt’s memories for information on Mikoshi. V accidentally accesses some more personal memories. We can see Alt as more of a fleshed out actual person, not just a tragic backstory for Johnny. Some of the memories do involve Johnny, and the tone is very different from her perspective. We see that Alt has genuine affection for him, but Johnny is possessive and abusive... It’s far from the relationship Johnny recalls. Of course, Johnny can see all this too since he lives in V’s head. He and V have a heart to heart afterwards, with Johnny realising how badly he treated Alt and yeah. I wasn’t satisfied with how Alt was just used as a sob story for Johnny, but I was sent an ask by an anonymous person about how the memory was from his perspective and thus biased. It really got me thinking! If I was more creative, I’d come up with a way for Alt to live... But Johnny still needs to bomb Arasaka and Alt’s death was the reason why he did that.

You have to return one of your apartments/safe houses every few days to wash and sleep. If not, V will get a penalty that means they are less accurate when aiming and slower when breaking in a vehicle. Also some NPC’s will refuse to talk to you if you don’t bathe, because... stinky.

And you have to eat! Otherwise you get hungry, and get penalties for that too. Can’t concentrate on an empty stomach. I’d say eating once or twice a day would be enough.

Instead of fast travel points (that are supposed to be taxi services, I think...? But we never see a taxi! And why can’t we just call Del? Ugh.), V takes the metro. There are side missions that can sometimes only start once you get on or off of a train. (You meet NPC’s in the train, or waiting for one.)

Takemura and Johnny are romance options, and are available for all genders. They’re the most difficult to romance, with some (kind of obvious) dialogue choices ending the possibility. Like, for example: Takemura’s romance ends badly if you choose to go against the corporations, and Johnny’s ends badly if you go with the corporations. It’s the same with Meredith, essentially, in that going against her won’t allow you to romance her. I know a rival-mance system is possible, but I think that might be too complicated.

Takemura and V’s relationship is much, much deeper. They have more time together, and grow closer. Takemura trains V in combat, and takes over from Coach Fred in the street fights side missions. You go with Takemura to fights, he’s your coach, is very proud when you win. (He’s basically training V in the event that they have to take on Adam Smasher and Oda. Like, why did we have no training montages with Takemura?!) V is able to choose romance or stay friends with him. There’s plenty more missions with Takemura too, mainly espionage stuff against Yorinobu. Finding out his weaknesses, replacing his staff with people that are loyal to Hanako, digging for dirt on him. Lots of stake outs, hehe. 😉 Romance!™️ Also makes it that much more tragic if V doesn’t choose to trust the corporations, since Takemura will end things and leave NC.

There are garages to upgrade your cars but Panam can upgrade it further if you do her missions + befriend her, and you can find super secret parts for your cars that Panam needs all around NC by stealing them from gangs or Corpos! Like, make your car go 200 mph fast or a setting to make it hover. 😎

FOUND FAMILY TROPE... Involving the LI’s + more characters. I wanted Misty, Vik, Judy, Panam, River and Kerry to all know each other and be friends. Also, somewhere for them to hang out. Judy coming down and hanging out with Misty and Vik would’ve been so cool.

Missions involving Vik. I think he deserved his own personal missions. Also, he’s gotta be romanceable! I’ll add more to this later.

I’m still figuring out how Johnny’s romance would go. It’s a tricky one. Lots of tension, jealously if V flirts with anybody... Heart to hearts... Holding hands... Passive aggressive confessions of love...

River is introduced in the main story. Maybe you team up to hunt down somebody who knows stuff about the Relic, like Anders Hellman, or something else to do with it. River’s like “What the fuck is going on?” but V doesn’t really tell him. Then, of course, you meet him later on and recognise him in the BD given to you by Jefferson.

Meeting Kerry earlier in the story, say mid Act 2? Ideally there would have been 5 Acts, and maybe I’ll edit this to include more once I figure out how the story could have gone. AND he’s part of the main story.

Less generic, “get in, get item and get out” side missions from Fixers and more side missions like the Peralez’s and that guy who got crucified. More freaky Cyberpunk subjects like what constitutes a soul, what is “intelligence” (What makes a machine different than a human? Without shitty false racism analogies), human rights abuses (and in that: classism, racism, ableism, transphobia), pollution, more on “Cyberpsychos” and how harmful that term is, etc. Nauced and thought-provoking. Reminding us that this is a dystopia and the issues are different but not all that wildly so from today. I would’ve developed Brendan’s mission more, because it seemed like we were going to see an earnest discussion on Artificial Intelligence but instead it was just confusing and “Haha, tricked you!” 🥱 Like, what if he really was a person capable of free thought and emotion? And that company still owns him and can overwrite him? Isn’t that fucked up?! It didn’t need a happy ending, just something to unnerve me.

Adding to that, Delamain had plenty of opportunities to discuss AI and the rights of individual contructs. His “children” could be freed, but nothing really happens as a result? I wanted consequences! The emails about human staff being made redundant because of Delamain were so interesting, too. I wanted to see something about the consequences of that in a city with no basic universal income. What happened to them? What can be done to help people who are made redundant by machines? So many possibilities for truly emotional and scary side missions!

I’m gonna watch black mirror for more inspiration, but stuff like the IRL blocking feature? Freaky as hell and totally plausible. Would’ve loved if one of the side missions involved V getting involved in some dispute involving something like that. “I can’t see his face!” or the copyright stuff about people’s appearances! Imagine if there was a Johnny lookalike? Engram Johnny would either find it hilarious or get really pissed off.

I’m hoping the DLC will deliver on more Takemura, so I’ll hold my breath for critiquing the Arasaka ending.

More to come! I’ll probably edit this later, if there’s any mistakes and/or I realise I hate an idea hehe.

[power-of-ages-writeblr]

11/11/11 Tag (22/11/11? Tag?)

Another one of these! This time, I was tagged TWICE by the wonderful @sassypandacandy (go read her books,, i love them). I’ve gotta answer the questions, come up with my OWN questions, and then tag 11 people to answer, only I’m not going to tag eleven people because I still don’t think I quite KNOW eleven people yet. Also, because I got tagged twice with two different sets of questions, I’m going to answer both sets in one post, and then just come up with eleven questions of my own, because it takes me yonks to come up with questions and I’m lazy. Eso si que es, y’know?

What’s the first thing you remember writing?

A four-page story about a Diplodocus when I was… definitely before I was ten years old. Maybe like five or six. I was very proud of it.

What’s the last thing you wrote purely for yourself?

Actually, I pretty much always write for myself, so the last thing that I wrote/started to write… ooh-er. That’d be the Warrior Cats fanfiction I’ve been working on. :P

Are you a WIP playlist person or a WIP aesthetics person?

Playlist, probably. I tend not to make playlists specifically for WIPs – instead, I’ll assign songs and soundtracks to specific characters and scenes – but I’m still better at throwing together playlists then making aesthetics LMAO

What’s a book you wish you’d written?

Uuuuh… maybe it’s just because I’m young (barely an adult), but I don’t have anything where it’s like “ah I wish I’d used that idea” or “wish I’d written this book”. I still have a lot of writing ahead of me, hopefully, so all my ideas I hope to actually get out some day. (Assuming that’s,,, what the question is asking me)

What’s your favourite book adaptation?

Ironic because it doesn’t follow the books that closely, but I love the How To Train Your Dragon films very much.

Which of your characters would you like to have a conversation with? What would you like to talk about?

The downside to Pandemonium’s Bane being filled with eccentric personalities and cooky characters means that there’s actually few of them I’d LIKE to have a conversation with, because most would be too dickish or too annoying for my tastes xDD That being said, I think me and Plue are on very similar wavelengths, and we have a lot in common (such as both of us wanting to write), so I wouldn’t mind chatting with her for a bit if I had to.

Which of your WIP worlds would you most like to live in?

The Power of Ages stories are mostly set in one universe (the Nimbus System) so I guess I’d have to go with that one by default. There’s Neil’s dimension, I guess, but it’s destroyed, so…

Have you ever written anything inspired purely by a song? If so, what song was it?

I haven’t written anything inspired just by a single song, but I HAVE got certain scenes or character backstories based off of songs, or even the concepts they’re based around. I have a whole battle between brothers planned out to the soundtrack that plays when Shifu fights Tai Lung in Kung Fu Panda, and listening to the Iron Man soundtracks helped me with both the conception of a new character and her placement in my roster (and yes, she does invent things and fly around, although there are also some major differences)

Have you ever written poetry? Do you still? Why or why not?

I… haven’t written poetry. And the reason for that is… I mean, I guess it doesn’t really jibe with me? Granted I haven’t considered it heavily, but it was always my least favourite aspect of learning English at school, and I just never fell in love with it the same way I fell in love with writing conventional narratives.

Who would direct an adaptation of your writing?

I ain’t big on directors, so IDEK. I guess in terms of the rewrite of Maelstrom (my current main WIP) I’d pick Sam Raimi, who proved with his Spider-Man films that he can blend fun superhero narratives with slightly darker elements pretty well.

How do you motivate yourself when you don’t feel like writing?

Mainly by having multiple projects to work on! That way, if I ain’t feeling what I’m working on, I can switch over to another one, and bingo bango, I can keep writing. (Hypothetically. Sometimes it ain’t that simple, obviously.) I also use music, and I also take advantage of being in situations where it’s like, I’d rather write then do the alternative. Do you know how much writing I got done in lessons? So much. :P

What scenes are the worst to write?

The ones that I haven’t planned out – sometimes I have very specific ideas for how I want scenes to happen, and I’m excited to get to them, but other times they’re just obligatory because there’s certain information I have to convey. That makes it a challenge to write it in a compelling way, because why should the reader care if I don’t?

What can you say is a thing you love most about your writing?

I’d say I like the dialogue/character interplay/narrative description-y sort of stuff. I think I’m good at giving everything levity, and keeping it breezy and entertaining even if I myself find the writing process to be a bit of a slog. Plus, it’s funny to read back over, and it’s also funny to watch my discord quote a line and then keysmash at it. :P

What is writing advice that you take to heart?

It’s from Aaron Sorkin’s writing masterclass – the idea that a story is defined by the main character’s INTENTION, the OBSTACLE facing them, and the TACTICS they use to overcome it.

How do you keep yourself from quitting writing together?

Honestly, it’s not like I have to try that hard! By this point I’m desperate to tell these stories that I have in mind, so I have a sort of innate compulsion to write because I wanna get it all out there. I’ll get back to you if that compulsion runs out, but for now, I see myself writing long into the future.

What is the strangest thing you’ve searched up on the internet for writing purposes?

Probably the capabilities of medieval-era people to recognise nuclear technology. (And for the record, the answer is “pretty low”.)

Not a question, but shoutout a writeblr (or multiple) that you think needs to hear that they are awesome and doing a great job (by the way everyone, you all are awesome and doing a great job. Keep it up.)

Well obviously I’m gonna shout out the person who tagged me in the first place – Kels. I await the final(?) book in the DOOT series with great anticipation.

Your OCs are trapped on a deserted island, what would they be doing?

I WANNA say they’d try and work as a team, but, uh. It may not go so well. Dante and Plue would probably be the most practical. Gaia would be good at grunt work but not focus on the task at hand, Rose would be functionally useless but good at moral support, Jacen would try to organise things but Gaia would just push him in the sea for jokes… I reckon they’d escape eventually, I suppose, but it wouldn’t exactly be a clean-cut affair, you know? xD

What is your biggest inspiration for your WIPs?

I actually have various inspirations – I think collectively my biggest inspiration is the MCU, in that it’s a bunch of interconnected stories set in the same universe about different characters and also there are superpowers. xDD

A habit you have when it comes to writing?

Not doing it (thank you writer’s block)

A fact about your world and/or characters?

I have debated killing of MANY of my characters, but have only actually come to concrete decisions one way or the other with a few.

If your WIP/s got turned into a movie or series, what would be the quote on the promotional poster or trailer?

Oh, I’m gonna do this for ALL the WIPs, this seems fun!

Of Encounters and Trysts – Two Hearts, One Soul (or something equally cheesy)

Hit and Run – Even the indomitable aren’t invincible

Maelstrom – Destiny Begins

The Destroyer of Worlds – One Case, One Team, One Superpower

Survivor – It’s every man for themselves

Savants – Not so different

Omnia Vincit Amor – Good things come to those who get traumatised

Cometh the Hour – Six thousand years from home

  Alright, now it’s (finally!) time for my eleven questiones:

1 – Does music help you write, or does it just distract you?

2 – What’s your favourite writing tool? A laptop? Notepad and pens? Quills and inkpot?

3 – Do you have to physically go to places to get a feel for them and feel as though you can set writing in them?

4 – What got you into writeblr?

5 – How well can your OCs dance, do you think?

6 – Do you have a favourite writing snack? If so, what is it?

7 – Bionicle. Thoughts?

8 – Is there a specific piece of media (movie, show, book, w/e) that you could say has been more of an inspiration to you than anything else?

9 – What’s the best soundtrack you know for getting pumped and hyped up?

10 – If you could only write one genre for the rest of your writing career, what would you go with?

11 – What’s your favourite music-based meme? (Examples include “LET’S GO”, “CREEPER/AWW MAN” and “We Are Number One But ___”)

 Tagging… @thelimeonade, and @dawnuchiha!

[stopthatmyhandsaredirty]

Can ‘Star Wars: Rebels’ Finally Kill Darth Maul?

In early 1999, the hype surrounding the upcoming Star Wars prequel titled The Phantom Menace (but mostly referred to as ‘Episode I’) was unprecedented. You could say it was comparable to the lead up to The Force Awakens, but somehow, it was more intense. The fandom hadn’t been disappointed yet. There wasn’t anything to ‘forgive.’ It was pure, unadulterated excitement for a new film set in the galaxy far, far away. 

Through the months of build up, there was one face that was inescapable. It wasn’t Anakin Skywalker, the boy who would grow up to be Darth Vader. It wasn’t a young Obi-Wan Kenobi or the Queen of Naboo. It was the films villain, Darth Maul. 

Much like Darth Vader before him and Kylo Ren after him, Maul appeared on all of the action figure packaging. His face graced magazine covers and backpacks and soda cans. He had a cool new double-bladed lightsaber that was unlike anything we’d seen in a Star Wars film before. Star Wars Insider debuted him triumphantly, declaring “Evil Has A New Name.” 

There was no denying that Maul looked badass. His action figure was the first one I bought when merchandise was released (along with Jar Jar…who I wrongly predicted would be my favorite character…) In 1999, Darth Maul was it.

And then, the movie came out. Unlike Darth Vader, Darth Maul functioned mostly as a periphery character. He was a formidable villain who tested our heroes in combat, but he didn’t really do anything. He had 5 lines of dialogue. His lack of speaking can be attributed to actor Ray Park’s high pitched voice. All of his lines were dubbed. Why not cast an actor who could fight and act the part? Maul’s role in the film was more akin to the underused Boba Fett than Darth Vader. You could even argue that Nute Gunray is more of a prominent antagonist in The Phantom Menace than Maul. Other than his impressive fighting style and defeat of Qui-Gon Jinn, Maul left no lasting impression on the rest of the saga. He was no more than a glorified henchman. And of course, he was promptly cut in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi at the end of the film. And that was it. After all of the hype, Darth Maul had done his part. All promotional material for the rest of the prequel trilogy would have nothing to do with him.

I’m not here to bash the prequels. I enjoy them, but I also don’t pretend they aren’t incredibly flawed. Any “How to Fix the Prequels” article or video you watch will suggest that keeping Darth Maul alive would have infinitely improved the rest of the trilogy. It’s hard not to agree. After all, in The Empire Strikes Back, Luke is being hunted by Darth Vader. Vader murdered his mentor and tortured Leia before blowing up her planet. There is history there even before we learn of Luke and Leia’s parentage. Luke taking on Darth Vader is personal endeavor as much as it is for the greater good of the galaxy.

The prequels don’t have any of that. You could argue that Count Dooku, who was once a Jedi, has history with Obi-Wan and Yoda, but it is barely explored. Darth Maul returning to get revenge on Obi-Wan would have given the prequels a much needed emotional conflict between the heroes and villains. Obi-Wan would want to defeat Maul to avenge Qui-Gon. You could even play around with tempting Obi-Wan to the dark side in his quest for revenge only to have him persevere. Having a strong villain central to the story throughout the trilogy would have done wonders for those films.

In the end, it doesn’t matter because Lucas didn’t see a place for Maul in the rest of the trilogy. Other than a handful of novels and comics, Darth Maul all but disappeared in the following years. Then in 2012, over ten years after the release of The Phantom Menace, it was announced that Darth Maul would be appearing in the fourth season of The Clone Wars animated series. Naturally, the series took place between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith…meaning Darth Maul was back from the dead.

This is hardly not the first time a character who died in the films was revived in other mediums. Boba Fett is killed in Return of the Jedi, but he’s all over Legends novels and comics, famously escaping from the dreaded sarlaac. Maul, in a way, follows in Boba Fett’s footsteps. He’s an underused villain who finally gets the storytelling focus he deserves.

When it was announced, I initially saw it as a marketing ploy. Darth Maul was a popular character and they wanted to sell action figures. I was also jaded by The Clone Wars’ tendencies to override existing canon material (I’ve since moved on from that) and wasn’t surprised to see them rewriting his backstory. A rather substantial suspension of disbelief was required as well. Somehow without the lower half of his body, Maul was able to get off of Naboo to a deserted junk world and survive on his own for over 10 years…? Ok? At least Boba Fett’s escape from the sarlaac seems plausible. I was underwhelmed by his debut in the series, but I saw potential in his hatred of Obi-Wan. The following fifth season of the series provided Maul with a much more compelling arc and made him a highlight of the show. The episode ‘The Lawless’ featuring Maul ruling over Mandalore, is my favorite episode of the series.

The thing is, I never imagined Darth Maul would live beyond the Jedi Purge and into the reign of the Empire. I don’t see Palpatine allowing it. He would send Vader to find and kill Maul and tell him not to come back until he’d succeeded. He feels out of place in the Classic Star Wars time period. It’s not that I don’t like what he’s done so far on Rebels. I think the dynamic with Ezra is interesting. I think making Kanan blind was a bold and interesting choice and Maul was a big part of that.

Still, it’s clear that Maul belongs to a time that has past. I can’t help but think that Rebels is finally closing out his arc for good. The hint of Obi-Wan (or “Ben”) that we’ve seen in the trailers is a good indication that Tatooine is what Maul and Ezra saw in their vision. It would be incredibly powerful for Obi-Wan to kill Maul to protect Luke.

I can’t see Maul continuing to live on in the Star Wars universe after this encounter. It makes sense from a storytelling sense. We know what happens to Obi-Wan. There’s no chance of a Maul/Kenobi showdown after A New Hope. It makes sense to have Obi-Wan finally kill Maul after all this time. Any other outcome would simply be dragging out Darth Maul’s story which initially concluded almost 20 years ago.

Regardless of the path Rebels takes, both animated Star Wars series have succeeded in fleshing out Darth Maul far more than The Phantom Menace ever did. Instead of being Palpatine’s first failed apprentice, Maul has become a much more pivotal player in the Star Wars galaxy.

[glenngaylord]

THERE’S A SUCKY MOVIE BORN EVERY MINUTE - My Review Of THE GREATEST SHOWMAN (4 Stars...What?!)

I was as shocked as everyone else when the slow to catch on, critically excoriated THE GREATEST SHOWMAN turned into a bonafide blockbuster.  But then again, big, empty musicals sometimes do well.  MAMMA MIA and FLASHDANCE come to mind. Pure escapism often gets people through troubling times, be it the Great Depression, the Reagan years, or the current shit show on display.  What’s better than a fantasy circus to “trump” the real sideshow on the news every minute of the day?  

Screenwriters Bill Condon and Jenny Bicks have teamed up with LA LA LAND/DEAR EVAN HANSEN songwriters Benj Pasek and Justin Paul and first time director Michael Gracey to bring us a truly terrible film in so many ways, yet achieves greatness as well.  Is it possible to love and loathe a film simultaneously?  If we’re to fall for this movie’s themes, then, like its characters, we will sing/shout from the rooftops, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, DAMMIT!”

Let me be clear.  THE GREATEST SHOWMAN finds its inspiration from the life of circus impresario, P.T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman), but anyone expecting a biopic needs to check their egos at the tent flap.  Sketching in his life with the merest hint of an outline, THE GREATEST SHOWMAN celebrates filmmaking kinetics, soaring inspirational anthems, and rhythmic editing…leaving depth, rigor, and layering to the Sondheims, Kanders and Ebbs of the world.   Every scene with dialogue feels like the slightest excuse to set up the next singing/dancing showstopper.  In fact, I’m convinced Sally Hawkins had more spoken lines in THE SHAPE OF WATER than that of the entire cast of this turkey/masterpiece.  

Think of this as 20 great Michael Jackson videos strung together or as my friend Dennis said after a screening, “This movie plays like it’s a trailer of itself”.  Yes, it feels like one big montage with style certainly lording over substance, but what style it displays.  There’s so much epic sweep to every moment, such aggressive choreography, such pageantry and a self-serious call to arms for the “freaks” and the outcasts of the world, that I had to stop myself and ask, “Do I hear the people sing or not?” [LES MIZ fans get an extra point here].  The answer?  YES!  I HEAR YOU!

Jackman and company start things off with a bang with “The Greatest Show”, an on-the-nose introductory song if there ever was one, rivaling Styx’s “Grand Illusion” or Robbie Williams’ “Let Me Entertain You” as Overbearing Kings of Captain Obvious Openers.  Then things turn really creepy as “A Million Dreams” flashes back to Barnum’s childhood when he meets and falls for young Charity, who will grow into his future wife, played by Michelle Williams.  It’s a pretty song, but I get creeped out whenever children sing. It wasn’t a good look in BUGSY MALONE, and ANNIE felt like a bunch of kids pretending to be scrappy while tap dancing on a rolled out board for an audition.  Only little Gavroche in LES MISERABLES worked for me, mainly because he was starving and willing to cut a bitch for his place in revolutionary history.  

Luckily, the filmmakers have ADD and don’t dwell on anything for too long.  We move along hastily to finish the number with Jackman and Williams taking over for the kids.  I would have preferred they simply cover Jackman in shadows instead of CGI-ing the hell out of his face to look like a man in his 20s, but ain’t nothing gonna stop modern movie magic!

Flipping through this section, we see Barnum working out his early ideas for what would become his circus.  He gathers the troops, or troupe that is, assembling society’s throwaways into his iconic Freak Show.  Behold the Bearded Lady (scene stealer Keala  Settle), the Fat Man, the Tattooed Man, and more.  He also finds a business partner in Phillip Carlyle (Zac Efron), who falls for the acrobat Anne (Zendaya), a woman who feels at home with this group because of the racism she faces outside of their circle.  At one point, to boost his business, Barnum teams up with Swedish opera star Jenny Lind (Rebecca Ferguson) to go no tour with her, leaving the circus to Carlyle.  

Ferguson’s big number, “Never Enough” proves mesmerizing, despite the fact that former VOICE contestant Loren Allred does the singing.  Allred may be the Marni Nixon of today, but Ferguson does such a gorgeous lip sync, entirely invested in this song and the implications of its lyrics, that I didn’t care.  Of course, Barnum and Lind’s relationship will complicate things, but trust me, another musical number’s right around the corner to wash away those blahs.  

THE showstopper of the film, “Rewrite The Stars” puts Efron and Zendaya front and center, and like all of the music here, it’s contemporary, anthemic bombast, auto-tuned within an inch of its life, but an unforgettable explosion of pop to hit that sweet spot over and over.  I could watch this pair soar and twirl on an endless loop and be happy.  Efron croons winningly, but Zendaya comes out the real winner here.  A triple threat, she moves wonderfully, sings like an angel (ok, ok, with a lot of studio assistance), but it’s her acting which won me over.  As she did in SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING, she exhibits a beautiful raw fragility, especially when out of makeup.  If ever there was a ONE TO WATCH, it’s her.  

Of course the freaks get their rallying cry in “This Is Me” (Oscar nominated), and it’s a killer number reminiscent of the “I Got Life” number in HAIR or “La Vie Boheme” from RENT, where the disenfranchised finally have their say.  Sure, it’s a tad humorless, but I fully expect this song to be sung from floats at LGBT Pride Parades, replacing “I Am What I Am” for at least the next 3 decades.  In fact, THE GREATEST SHOWMAN may be the gayest movie ever made without having a shred of gay content.  Any film that makes a case for the glory of being different, despite the terrible conditions and abuse the real Barnum put his employees through, deserves a salute.  

Even Michelle Williams, who gamely surrenders to this wafer-thin film, sells it in her big number, “Tightrope”.  The fact that this actor can twirl and float about like everyone else, when she’s built a career around heavy, crying characters, speaks volumes as to the magical qualities in this movie.  

Between her, Zendaya, and Ferguson, I was reminded of ABBA.  They all have sweet, Agnetha/Frida-style voices and every song has a Swedish pop sheen to it.  The circus setting harkens back to that group’s SUPER TROUPER days and is a better, more appropriate backdrop for this style of musical than MAMMA MIA’s dumb Greek setting.  When I hear those Euro-style chords, I think of pageantry and committed dancing, not people shuffling badly on an overly-lit dock.  THE GREATEST SHOWMAN is more ABBA than ABBA!

Whenever I’m in a bad mood, I put on the “Downtown” number from LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, one of the best-realized numbers in musical history, and I feel better.  I don’t watch the whole film, just the great numbers.  I suspect I’ll do the same when THE GREATEST SHOWMAN starts streaming.  Yes, it’s a hot, steaming poo-pile of a movie, but it’s catchy, has a good beat, and you can dance to it!  

In front of us in the theater sat two elderly women.  Throughout the film, they threw their hands up in the air or swayed to the music, pumping their arms back and forth.  It brought them so much joy, I tapped them at the end to tell them their love of the film made my evening.  Is it so bad it’s good, or is it so bad AND so good?  I’ll go with the latter.  Didn’t a lot of people say the same thing about XANADU?  

[kimjauhiainen]

The Nice Guys(2016): Shane Black keeps kicking ass & taking names

(I’m beginning my slow re-release of my written materials, so expect these to pop up weekly. I won’t be rewriting anything - these articles will be released as they were. This review was originally published at thesupernaughts.com on July 31st, 2016.)

The Nice Guys(2016) Written & Directed by Shane Black

Hi, after a brief summer hiatus yours truly is making a triumphant return at typing his crazy ramblings. What did I do in that hiatus, you may ask? Well, I was relaxing, reading a few books, doing all sorts of relaxing yard-work with an axe an other power-tools (in the process improving my tan from “translucent” into a “palish pink”), walking in nature and of course – watching a lot of movies (both new and olde) and bingeing one TV-show(“Stranger Things”).

It’s been a very interesting year in terms of new movies so far. I kinda feel that we have come upon something of a transformative year in the Huge Summer Blockbuster-type of films. Now – I have not seen nearly all of them so I can’t make any declaration of did some of them deserve their fates or not – but it seems that tides are definitely turning. I mean, a LOT of these major summer releases have just completely tanked at the box-office (“Independence Day: Resurgence”, “The BFG”, “The Legend of Tarzan”, “Ghostbusters”, “Star Trek Beyond”…even “Ice Age 5” clearly underperformed), and even some of those which actually MADE money have been of varying quality (the fact that “Batman V. Superman” and “X-Men: Apocalypse” made a lot of cash does not erase the fact that they are NOT good pictures!).

As a kinda “middle-ish year look-back”, I’m gonna give my current TOP-list of the best new movies I’ve seen this year:

Zootopia

Deadpool

The Conjuring 2

10 Cloverfield Lane

(Captain America: Civil War was right up there, but to be all honest; while it was definitely the 2nd best superhero-movie of the year, it just wasn’t as good as The Winter Soldier)

Why only Top 4? Because I finally saw one movie that is going to make it a Top 5, that’s why. The one I’m talking about is of course Shane Black’s (“Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang”, “Iron Man 3”) new movie “The Nice Guys“, written and directed by the man himself and produced by the legendary Joel Silver (Google it up – too many titles to write up here) under his Silver Pictures banner. Silver and Black go waaaaaay back, of course, because it was really Silver who made Black such a writer superstar back in the 80’s after he bought Black’s “Lethal Weapon“-script for $250,000, which then led to even bigger paydays from “The Last Boy Scout“($1,750,000), “Last Action Hero“($1,000,000) and “The Long Kiss Goodnight“(the record-breaking $4,000,000). But – as much money he made from those projects, Black has always been very clear that every single one of those projects – even “Lethal Weapon” – went through several rewrites by other writers before/during the productions, and while SOME of his initial vision & dialogue is still there to be seen/heard, about as much (or even more) always went into the trash bin. So after “The Long Kiss Goodnight“, he kinda got burned by the Hollywood-machine and disappeared from the radar.

It was only when he got that coveted chance to do what everyone truly REALLY wants – to direct as well as write – that he made his triumphant return with the 2005 film “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” (again, produced by Silver). That film was like a breath of fresh air – a pure, uncompromised Shane Black-story. And it was not only a comeback for him; it was also a comeback for Robert Downey jr., who had pretty much spent the 90’s and early 2000’s in-between drug-busts, rehab, more drug-busts and prison-terms. Naturally, as seems to be the case with all the really good movies, it flopped at the box-office. But the critics and the peers in the industry sure loved it, as did the most devoted fans. And it has had a pretty lucrative afterlife; after this movie, Downey hit the jackpot with the Marvel Studios and the “Iron Man“-series and when it was time to make a third film (after the much-maligned second film), he called out for his buddy Black to write and direct it. And the rest was history. “Iron Man 3” is currently at the 10th spot of the highest-grossing films of all time and in my books, in the Top 3 of the Marvel movies. Sure – it polarized the audiences a bit by going with some unconventional story choices. But here’s the thing I learned – especially after watching “The Nice Guys“:

In his craft, Shane Black really is ALL about unconventional story choices.

The story of “The Nice Guys” is – on the surface – pretty much a traditional Film Noir-fare:

It’s 1977 in Los Angeles. A known pornstar by the name of Misty Mountains dies in a car accident. A few days later her aunt(Lois Smith) hires a hapless private detective named Holland March(Ryan Gosling) to find Misty, because she believes she has seen Misty moving around in her apartment AFTER her reported death. And as has been shown to us earlier, March is not above investigating cases for a good payday even if he already knows the outcome (as witnessed & showed in the trailers by the case of the widower whose husband has been missing since his funeral). What we also learn is that March is a burnout as well as borderline alcoholic – following his wife’s death a few years earlier, and is desperately trying to keep the pieces of his life together as well as take care of his daughter Holly(Angourie Rice). And EVEN Holly – who is quickly shown as being the one in the family with some actual brains – labels March as “the world’s worst detective”…

Anyhoo – pretty soon March crosses paths with a muscle-for-hire/aspiring private eye/the guy with some anger-issues named Jackson Healy(Russell Crowe), who – in the case of mistaken identity – actually breaks Mach’s arm (talk about first impressions!). But never mind about who broke who’s arm – pretty soon the two discover that they are actually working the same weird case, which now has several different parties searching for the same girl, Amelia Kutner(Margaret Qualley) – who may or may not know something about the shady conditions under which Misty allegedly died: there’s a duo of enforcers called Blue Face(Beau Knapp, named after a color-pack explodes on his face after he digs through a bag of money he shouldn’t have) and Keith David(no point with character names: it’s Keith Motherfucking David and that’s all you need to know – even in the credits he’s just “The Older Guy”), as well as a highly efficient hitman named John Boy(Matt Bomer) and Amelia’s mother Judith(Kim Basinger) who works at the Department of Justice.

The plot circles into a deep maze of Detroit Auto industry, corruption, environmental activists and a McGuffin in the shape of a film-can containing an “arty” porn-film that’s actually a big protest against the industrial pollution of the atmosphere, but it’s actually not that important because the main focus of the film really is all these fucked-up characters and the crazy fucked-up situations they get pulled in(as a rough example: it’s sort of like all the Darin Morgan-written “X-Files”-episodes). From the earliest scenes it’s very evident that we are witnessing the birth of yet another legendary Shane Black buddy-team. There was Murtaugh and Riggs, Hallenbeck and Dix, Baltimore and Hennessy, Harry and Perry – and to a degree also Tony and Rhodey. Now there’s March and Healy.

But; I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk about the overall impression of the film first.

If “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” was still Black sort of finding his own directorial voice and “Iron Man 3” was him getting back to the big-budget filmmaking and playing with the big expensive toys, “The Nice Guys” is the first 100% pure, unlimited Shane Black-film. It is very clear that he is something of an encyclopedia of film, as well as all the classic film-cliches. And he seems pretty much hell-bent on taking a piss on all of those cliches and giving them a completely new spin, sometimes veering into total parody (his take on the old “throwing a gun to the other guy”-gag as well as a background gag of March swimming after a mermaid in a windowed pool are almost Zucker/Abrams/Zucker-territory – and then theres a bit involving falling asleep at the wheel which goes right into a “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”-territory). I guess the proper genre-tag (if anyone cares of such labeling) of this film would be a “period detective noir parody“. Setting the film in the 70’s and all the outrageous excess and sleaziness of that period seems to have freed Black to just go completely head-on in the realm of the ridiculous.

Having a great score by John Ottman & David Buckley as well as a kick-ass selection of the groovy tunes of the 70’s also helps. He doesn’t go as far (some would claim “too far”) as some filmmakers would have done and made the film in the style of the 70’s movies (film grain, jump cuts, kung-fu zooms etc.), but instead uses the most modern filmmaking tools available and directs with such an economical confidence of frame that it’s a marvel(see what I did there?) to watch. He NEVER makes the visuals take control of the scenes – it’s all about the dialogue. And the characters.

And boy does he let those characters play. I imagine there must be hours and hours worth of ad-libs and alternate takes from this movie, as Gosling and Crowe just keep stealing moment after moment. This will go down in history as one of the great comedic double acts. Frankly, I was VERY surprised that Ryan Gosling was this good at comedy. Both verbal and physical comedy. Pretty much nothing he has done before has given any hints to the things he pulls off in this movie. To be totally honest, I’d put him up for a Golden Globe for the “Best Performance in a Comedy” right now – accept no substitutes. He embraces the complete ineptitude, clumsiness and the idiocy of his character in a way that the closest possible comparison is probably Kevin Kline in “A Fish Called Wanda“. And he has perfect counterbalances with Crowe – who I thought from the trailers was just sort of parodying his character in “LA Confidential“, but is in fact sort of playing on his much-publicized real life tough-guy persona but adding a level of warmness and cuddly-bear type likability to it (to be fair, I have always known that Crowe CAN be funny – there are behind-the-scenes bits from over the years that have shown that over and over again. But this really is the first time that persona has been put on screen properly) – and Rice, who is clearly the more capable one of the Marches and something of a spiritual successor of Danielle Harris‘ Darian in “The Last Boy Scout“. You could say that these characters are a triumvirate that makes for one pretty good detective: March’s power is Dumb Luck (and apparent indestructability), Healys is Strength and Holly’s is Intelligence. And all the other players also get their chance to shine in the movie as well; with the small exception of Kim Basinger, who doesn’t really get all that much to do – and this might be the only little tiny scratch in the movies armor. Maybe her character was just a little TOO straight-faced in opposite of these crazy guys playing against her and could have used a little bit more character quirks or something, I don’t know.

All in all, “The Nice Guys” is a hell of a lot of fun and will no doubt get a lot of rewatches and re-evaluation (is it just me, or is that opening shot from behind the graffitied-up and decaying Hollywood-sign a slight nod to “Demolition Man”- also from Joel Silver?) as the year comes to a close. I know yours truly will watch the hell out of it again. and again. After all, rewatchability is a big issue when I decide on the greatness of a movie. This one makes me want a new Shane Black-movie every year from now on – and as he’s already deep in the production on both “The Predator” and “Doc Savage“, things are looking good. And hell – let’s make some silent (or not so silent) wishes for maybe a “The Nicer Guys” somewhere down the line.

[sillymovietrailer]

Batman (1989)

I’m going to say this right up front; this is a bloody awful job they did with this trailer.  Who edited this?  Where’s the soundtrack for half of the scenes?  Erg!  It’s a miracle that this didn’t scare more audiences off, it’s a disjointed mess.

This was the movie that started the first main wave of Superhero blockbusters.  Of course there was Superman the Movie before this, but that didn’t really set off nearly as many imitators or similar productions as this (bar some of Italy and Spain’s efforts).  After this we got Darkman, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, The Phantom… I just realised, I’ve written myself into another marathon, haven’t I?  This is often held up as the last great eighties blockbuster, and it’s easy to see why, not least because it kind of took inspiration from a few other ones in a lot of ways.  A lot of the marketing was based purely around the Bat Symbol, just like the GhostBusters logo beforehand, Tim Burton lent the production an off-beat vibe more in line with VHS fodder than major studio fare, and the somewhat over the top style was pure eighties.  This also had huge repercussions on the character of Batman going forward, not least the more armoured look the costume had in live action, and more recently the comics.  I’d of course be remiss not to mention Batman: The Animated Series, and the subsequent DCAU that came about as a direct result of this film’s success.  This was a pop culture event… which makes what I’m about to say a bit of a shame; I don’t think this has aged very well.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to love!  The production design by Anton Furst is glorious, Michael Keaton is one of my favourite takes on Bruce Wayne (and he’s the one that thought to have his Batman voice be deeper… which Christian Bale of course took way too far!), and there are sequences like the Batmobile in the forest that are just lovely to watch.  However, story wise this one’s kind of a mess, which from reading about the behind the scenes info in Wikipedia isn’t surprising.  The script apparently went through a bundle of different uncredited rewrites due to 1988 writers’ strike, and you can tell due to the very awkward plot points.  Why do we spend so much time with the Mayor, Commissioner Gordon, and Harvey Dent when they ultimately don’t do anything?  What’s even the point of the character of Robert Knox?  Forget Batman, where does the Joker get his wonderful toys in about a day (down to all those monogrammed bomber jackets)?  Where does Vicki Vale’s personality go after about the halfway mark? Why do they go up the Cathedral tower at the end?  Actually, I know the answer to that; producer Jon Peters just dictated out of nowhere (when the film was already overbudget) that they had to have the final fight up there.  That’s the same Jon Peters who’d later infamously insist on Superman fighting a giant spider.  Also, some of the dialogue and references really don’t gell with the 1930s inspired look the rest of the film is going for.  This might be the most controversial one, but I’m going to come out and say it; I don’t think Jack Nicholson isn’t actually that good as the Joker.  It just varies wildly from Nicholson in make-up messing around (what are those noises he does after saying “Wait till they get a load of me!”?) to him doing a Cesar Romero impression, he never comes together that well.  Oh, and as for the “he’s the one behind the Wayne murder” thing; let’s ignore the far too on the nose “they’re two sides of the same coin” angle that pushes far too hard, and focus on another problem.  The clue that it’s him, the thing he always says before killing someone?  That’s the first time all movie he’s said it, that’s a complete cheat and you know it!

Now none of this is to say that it’s a bad or terrible movie, but I will say that from a modern eye, it’s a very uneven one, it hasn’t exactly gone vintage a few others from the period have.  I don’t want to rain on anyone’s nostalgia or anything by doing this, I’m not Cinema Sins for the Gods’ sake (Oh, my feelings on channels like that are for a whole other rant), this is just my opinion.  As I said, there’s a lot about it I still like; for some reason I have a lot of affection for the model work by Thunderbirds veteran Derek Meddings, and of course there’s the score by Danny Elfman, arranged by Shirley Walker (who does not get nearly the respect she should for this!  It was her that did the Animated Series soundtrack, not Elfman.).  Mind, there are also the Prince songs, insisted on by Jon Peters again, which Burton used as little as possible.  That I think sums up my feelings on the film, when I watch it I can’t help but notice the different directions the different people who worked on it were pulling in.  It’s flawed, but still fun.

I had some of the merchandise growing up, including Batman and Joker action figures, and the Batmobile that fired “back of fridge/sofa/other inaccessible location seeking missiles”.  My first exposure to this film though?  Playing the platform game from Ocean Software on the Amiga.  Ahh, now there’s a hit of nostalgia.