#PRETEND.... that you don't know... that this hasn't been updated since literally christmas

[girltomboy]

On another note, my mom texted me an entire novel on Saturday evening (after she spoke to grandma on the phone, of course) telling me how disappointed grandma is that I'm still dating my bf (??? I thought we've been over this for ages now, but apparently it's a sisyphean task getting my family to see me as an adult and respect me as one). This is coming like 3 days after my mom was bragging to me about standing up to my stepdad's ugly comments about my relationship with my bf, and telling him to stop talking about us, etc. Like, she was my ally then, but switched after talking to grandma? Really cool how my relationship with my mom is like a game of red rover now. But I can't even trust her when she pretends to be on my side. She also wrote about how grandma doesn't want me visiting her next month/potentially on Christmas (I hadn't even decided yet) since I'm an independent adult able to make my own choices, which gives them zero control over me. So they manipulate me with their presence in my life now, which doesn't really work but I fw them for trying. And I suppose I'm not welcome in my parents' home either, which again I'm not even gagging about. So I replied to her texts as politely as I could, basically shutting down any attempt of hers to emotionally manipulate me, and I mentioned that my love for my family is not conditional, unlike theirs. She hasn't replied yet, or texted me at all since then, but she did take some time to send my boyfriend ANOTHER friend request on FB (he told me she had also sent him one last week, my impression was that she must have impulsively removed him that evening after she talked to grandma and texted me, then cooled off and realized she still wants to stalk him, so she re-sent it). And last week she sent his mom a friend request, so she's really on a mission. With evil intentions, probably.

Yeah, another thing she complained about in those texts was that I had a FB account all this time, and I never told her about it or never added her (or other relatives) on it. Which is false because I did tell her I had an account but never used it, which is the actual truth. I do update it here and there, but the main purpose of it was to use it for school & college, and now that I'm done with all that I literally open Facebook every other month or less. And I only have a bunch of friends and some teachers in my list. Plus I just never wanted to add her because I know how she gets about my personal life, the whole letter I received from her on Whatsapp this weekend is proof of that.

Anyway, that's how things are going with my family currently. Well, seeing as I'm used to them going through these phases I don't feel any type of way about it, but if my mom does come around soon I'll try to tell her how I feel about her switching up on me, trying to manipulate me, especially seeing as she told me stuff that grandma did to her when she was a teen or around my age, how she literally blackmailed her into breaking up with any boyfriend that grandma didn't approve of, etc. and now she's doing the same thing to me. Like, you said you would never do that to your child/daughter, and now here you are? How am I meant to trust my own mother when she's this volatile and two-faced? Idk how she thinks she can go on like this.

Mercury in Sag was definitely conjunct my natal Pluto and square my mom's natal Pluto AND squaring our moons when she sent me those texts. In fact, I think this transit had been building up since last week when she sent my bf and his mom friend requests on FB.

[damienthepious]

Going Through Changes, Ripping Out Pages (chapter 4)

[ch 1] [ch 2] [ch 3] [ao3] [ch 5] [ch 6] [ch 7] [ch 8] [ch 9] [ch 10] [???]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Lord Arum, Sir Damien, Rilla, The Keep

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Established Relationship, (uhhhhh sorta), Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, (WE WILL GET THERE…… EVENTUALLY)

Summary: Lord Arum wakes to discover that some things have changed while he slept. Namely, there is a human in his bed.

Chapter Summary: Two conversations, and a little investigation.

~

Damien isn't far, when Rilla finds him again. He’s standing out in the hall near the kitchen, and-

And the Keep has wrapped steady vines around his shoulders, clinging lightly and blooming in soft yellows and blues. Damien has his eyes closed, his expression motionless but tense, his lips tight together as Rilla comes close.

"Damien," she says gently. He probably hears her coming, but she knows how deeply he can get caught up in his own head. He sighs at her voice, clinging to the Keep's vines in turn, but he doesn't open his eyes just yet. "Are you-"

She doesn't quite finish the thought. Are you alright? Stupid question, obviously. Neither of them are. None of them. Damien's lip pulls to the side, a weak sort of grimace, and she steps closer. The Keep makes room, shifting some vines to brush her shoulders as well, a gentle curtain around the both of them as she pulls Damien into a tight hug.

"Rilla," he murmurs. He presses his face into her neck, inhaling sharply and holding her in return. "I… I am sorry I left in such a state. It was- I should not have-I shouldn't have faltered. I couldn't-"

"It's okay, Damien. I know. He- he was being cruel on purpose but you know he doesn't really think that. He couldn't have known it would hurt you like-"

"I know," Damien murmurs, drooping further to rest his forehead against her shoulder. "Of course he doesn't know that those particular cruelties would affect me. A rather cold comfort, I'm afraid, considering that his lack of knowledge is entirely the issue."

Rilla sighs, because obviously Damien is right. The fact that he could hurt them like that by accident- it almost stings worse than if the cut were deliberate. "I sent him to cool off in his workshop," she says softly, and Damien's lip curls into something wry, something that isn't quite a smile.

"I'm sure he was quite amenable to instruction, hm?" he drawls.

Rilla bites back a bitter laugh. "Obviously. I-" she pauses. "I don't know what to do now," she says, only recognizing the feeling as she voices it. "Shit."

It's Damien's turn to tighten his arms, holding her more securely with a quiet, sympathetic noise. The Keep shifts around both of them, humming low and brushing soft leaves over their shoulders, and Rilla looks up, raising an eyebrow.

"What, do you have an idea?" she asks, and she has less than zero clue how the Keep could answer her in a way she can understand, but- "I'm not willing to rule out anything at this point."

The Keep pauses, and then it sings, unsure but hopeful, and pulls open a portal.

Damien and Rilla meet each other's eyes, concern and hope and doubt and pain passing quick and quiet between them, and then Damien takes a steadying breath, takes Rilla's hand, and they both step through.

~

Arum steps into his workshop, the portal disappears behind him, and then he simply closes his eyes and clenches his hands and breathes, until he begins to feel less panicked, less uncertain.

He is too agitated to realize, for quite a few minutes, that he should have been much less agreeable to allowing the little knight to bolt off into his Keep unsupervised, and that doctor as well. When he barks out an irritated question regarding their whereabouts, however, the Keep calmly informs him that the herbalist has just now found the knight, that they are currently in a corridor near the kitchen, simply- talking.

Plotting, he thinks darkly, and then he scowls.

"If you say so," he mutters, and then after a long moment he sighs. "If they will be remaining here until this little mystery is unraveled… well. See that their biological needs are met, at least. Wouldn't do to have them starving before I entirely understand their part in this."

The Keep hums lightly, pointedly, and Arum growls.

"I do not care what sorts of meals they prefer."

The Keep hums again.

"No, I do not."

The Keep says nothing for a moment, and then it gives a very, very gentle trill.

"Well I do not currently, then!" he snarls, throwing two hands in the air emphatically. "What have they done? What did they do to pull you to their side above mine? Are we not two parts of the same whole? I exist to protect you- you are my sole reason for existing- why should either of us care about a pair of interloping humans?"

The Keep pauses, and then sings one short, gentle phrase.

Arum's frill presses tight to his neck, and then he attempts to scoff, folding his arms over his chest in a way that feels unfortunately uncertain.

"... ridiculous," he breathes. "Why should that matter? And- and it is absurd to suggest that they would have enough of a grip on me to effect- to make me- ridiculous."

It sings again, the same short phrase.

"I am-" he snaps his teeth together. "I am already-" he hisses low, feeling his tail thrashing uncomfortably. "It does not matter. What is the value of happiness, Keep? In what way does it serve to ensure your safety?"

The Keep does not sing in response, this time, but Arum can feel the sorrow that pulses through it in its silence.

"See?" he says after a moment, his voice stilted. "You can provide no answer to that, can you? Ridiculous. All of this is absurd. The only thing that matters- the only thing that matters is our survival. These humans are nothing but a threat to that."

The Keep remains silent, and Arum can feel that it is pulling its attention back, retreating from the conversation.

Arum attempts to consider this a victory. Arum resists the impulse to call the Keep's attention back. Arum pretends that the idea of being left entirely alone at this moment does not fill him with-

It does not matter. He sighs, turning his body away, ending the conversation on his own terms, despite the fact that the Keep surrounds him, despite the fact that the Keep chose to fade from attention first.

At last Arum brings his focus to his surroundings, observing his workshop, and he narrows his eyes in confusion as he does.

The experiments he has been working on are gone. Every one of them has disappeared from the space, replaced by newer creatures and tools that he does not recognize. Not only that, but the space- it has been widened slightly as his bedroom was, grown outward to accommodate wider workspaces, more tools.

Arum narrows his eyes even further, realizing that this space, as it currently exists, is meant to have room for two.

Some of the projects appear to be the ordinary fare, new traps and creatures with modifications to help protect themselves and the swamp, but beside them appear to be experiments of decidedly medical intent, and others besides those he cannot seem to determine a reason for in the least. They are magical in nature, of course, but he can see little else from which to glean their purpose.

There is a third pair of fireproof gloves beside his own set of four, now. Slimmer, smaller, carefully stitched. He stares at them for a long moment, an uncomfortable ticking in his throat.

Everything is out of place. Everything.

… He would not even have noticed the scraps of torn parchment shoved unceremoniously into the fireplace, if the colorful splash of the wax seal did not catch his eye. Catch his eye, and then stick there.

Even torn in half, Arum knows the seal of the Senate by sight.

It takes perhaps a half an hour to pull together enough of the scraps that he can reconstruct the letter, at least to the point where it is mostly legible, and his hands are utterly ruined with ash by the time he achieves his goal.

Some is still fragmented. If there were a greeting or a signature they have burned or been torn away, and though Arum can see frequent scatterings of words like Universe and Will and bits and pieces of aggressive posturing, the one paragraph he has managed to restore is edifying enough that he does not feel the need to continue scrabbling through the hearth.

It is the Will of the Universe that the monster collective does as it pleases. The Senate does our utmost to uphold this Will, and it is to our pleasure that the human infection be eradicated. By failing to destroy a growing number of humans - chief among them a healer of their kind, and a monster-killer - you defy the Will of the Senate, and by extension the Will of the Universe itself. You are going destroy them. The Senate assures you, Lord Arum, that it will be your Will to do so. A monster may only defy its nature for so long, and the human infection will destroy you, if you do not destroy your own small infection first.

Arum can see the holes on either side of the parchment, where his own claws must have dug in before he tore the page entirely asunder. His own claws fit neatly in those spaces, and part of him wishes to tear it all asunder yet again, if only for the letter's smug, self-important tone.

Evidence, he thinks vaguely, and the word comes in the little human's confident voice. Mention of a healer and a monster-killer, the doctor and the knight- the letter shredded and half-burned in the hearth- barely legible even after wasting half an hour in the effort-

If this is part of some enormous lie… it would be a nearly impossibly elaborate one.

Arum looks at the small pair of gloves again. He smooths over the torn edges of the letter from the Senate.

The growth within his greenhouse corroborates the timeline the Keep and the humans claim, the year he has lost. A year of making room in his home for these creatures. A year of dulling the sharpness of his claws, a year of experiments he no longer knows, a year of, apparently, deceiving and defying the Senate.

You are going to destroy them.

Arum feels his frill shiver at his neck.

it will be your Will to do so.

Arum's mind churns, confusion and frustration and fear, and he digs his claw into the wax of the Senate's seal. Their words certainly sound like the threat of a curse, to Arum's ears. And if it truly was the Senate who stole a year from him-

(The memory is gone. Utter blankness. Did he truly, honestly risk the safety of his Keep? Did he truly dig his heels in to earn the Senate's ire?)

He needs to speak with the humans again.

[->]