#PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS ME//RI I HATE BEING CALLED THAT NAME SO FUCKING MUCH

[laika-of-the-stars]

im sorry mom and dad, i know i messed up bad

[toranekooo]

hai :3 ambrose directed me to you so. please tell me about lip/hiyo i love drama and discourse so much (non forcing btw)

みなさん、おはこんばんちわ !! my name is ess but u can call me vyn, maiko or secchan~ and i will be your announcer for today <3 ! today we will be discussing why i dislike lip/hiyo ! this is gonna contain a lot of buffers so i dont get caught up in the tags or the search results so um. im sorry if its a pain to read. please be warned these are MOSTLY personal opinions and i don't intend on infringing on ppl who do ship it. i do not care. simply DONT tag my shit as it and we're good ^_^ except ppl dont listen and i find it fucking annoying so. here's a full blown explanation i guess

first ! lip.hiyo is a ship between hi.yori su.zumi and the members of lipx.lip ai.zo and yu.jiro . hiyo/ri is their manager and she's a girl from the countryside who moved to tokyo to study and work on becoming a track and field athelete . lipx/lip are themselves. their relationship in canon is. friends at best. something else at worst. being the little shits they are, lip/lip are nothing short of assholes to hiyo.ri for the majority of their earlier canon interactions. she states multiple times in her stories that they make her feel stupid. while i do think they respect and care for each other as coworkers, i still dislike how they treat her as a person, especially how they put down her feelings. before and after her.oiku where hiyo.ri undergoes a transformation courtesy of lx.l dressing her up so she can confess to another member of the idol series, asu.ka kai.do (discontinued due to the collaborative project ending) — they continue to tell her that had it not been for the pretty dress or the makeup, she wouldn't be worthy of being called a heroine. she wouldn't be a "girl" in their eyes. which is where a lot of the ships stem from.

but wait! you're probably asking yourself, or well, me: "secchan-sensei! lipx.lip bully each other a whole damn lot too! they bicker and they insult each other! wouldn't this put shipping them in the same category as lp/hy?" excellent question! while i understand why people can perceive it similarly, there is one big difference. the idols and hiyori exist in an unbalanced power dynamic. no i do not mean that in a literal sense, but in a social, emotional sense. you said it yourself, lip/lip bully each other! theyre mean and rude and crass and jerks to EACH OTHER. there is a back and forth movement. they bite and bite back, so to speak. while with hiy.ori as you're aware, she swallows her pain and bottles up that sadness and holds back those tears, she never responds or insults them back because she's not that kind of person. above all things, hiyori remains kind to ai and yu but the fact that they hurt her in ways they don't even acknowledge are not mutually exclusive.

if you're familiar with hone.yworks lore, as well as lx.l themselves, you probably know at least an adequate bit of their trauma. to put it simply, a.izo struggles with interacting with women, to the point where he finds them difficult to be with. this is often translated to him hating women, so as an idol with a predominantly female fanbase, this is a big problem. this trauma stems from his mother, who for the greater part of his childhood, was an abusive drunk. not only that, his older brother, whom he looked to for support and comfort when their home life was at their worst, is a playboy who toyed around with women and relationships with hopes of avoiding the loneliness at home. while ken grew out of his issues and ultimately became a better person, his actions growing up had a significant negative effect on ai.zo . he isnt jUst a miSoGyniSt dear fuck

yujiro, on the other hand, is the stepson of national treasure, tamagoro someya, a master of kabuki. his mother, tae, married into the family and he has a younger stepbrother, koichiro. tamagoro very explicitly tells him that he will not inherit the kabuki legacy, stating that he "lacks beauty" and is half-hearted. this is despite the fact that yujiro pushed himself beyond his own strength, to the point of starvation and isolation, all for the sake of pleasing his father — who never intended to acknowledge him in the first place. yujiro remained inadequate, lacking, some part of him, despite his best efforts, would never fit into the beauty of the roles his father had crafted for the stage.

“Father is father, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I think he didn’t have a choice in telling me to give up…” “…Were you never allowed to stand on the kabuki stage?” “There’s no way he would have let me. It was only my brother who could have…” (That’s really messed up…) If he had no intention of letting him perform on stage, why did he let him practice? It was cruel to put so many expectations on a child, only to rip his hope away from him. (LOVE&KISS novel, Chapter 7) [1]

how is this relevant to hiyori?

then, we talk about the infamous hero.taru anime. now, honeyw.orks anime have this curse where they're either bound to flop incredibly or butcher the characters enough it appeals to a general audience and completely destroys their characters. the hero.taru anime was made to promote lip.x.lip and profit off their popularity in the idol genre showcase hiyo.ri's heroine story. the story spans multiple mvs, from h.eroine iku.sei keikak.u -> her.oine wa hei.kin ika -> her.oine tarum.ono . there's a general difference with as.uka being cut out and replaced with nagisa after he's finally released from the honeyw.orks basement. aaand i'm getting sidetracked. as someone who watched every single anime hnw has put out, i can confidently say...

her.otaru fucking sucks.

despite being an anime centered on hiy.ori's development as a heroine, it overuses fanservice and became a cookie cutter shoujo mixed with a little idol for the views. fuck, the main conflict was literally between lip.xlip's manager and their biggest fan who had a crush on aiz.o . DO YOU SEE MY ISSUE. ok that aside. the anime completely butchers hiyo's character by making her overly dependent on lx.l. not to mention the bathroom scene. ick. the anime also completely butchers lxl by erasing their issues and making them into "just backup male leads if nag.isa doesnt sell well" and he didnt bc he was there for one fucking episode . back to my point, the anime has a particular scene pertaining to their trauma, which i have elaborately expanded above, and dumbs it down to: [2]

bad, right? not the worst butchering of it yet. you see, SOMEHOW, the herota.ru anime made the already fucked hani.wa timeline WORSE by turning yum.e fanf.are into a song about hiyori. i'm going to start tearing and biting bc this frustrated me SO MUCH . yume.fan is a song of aizo and yujiro about their struggles as stated above, and yet it was percieved as a song made to make hiyo.ri fall in love with them.

god ok this is. incredibly long at this point but i have only pierced the surface. lets just get it down to brass tacks. i hate lip.hiyo.

a lot of people came out of hero.taru shipping lip.hiyo after seeing their relationship and interactions in the anime. people tend to ship them with hiyor.i because "sHe's nOt LiKe oThER giRls" . of all the things i hate abt lip.hiyo and the hero.taru anime in general, i hate how it ruins hiyo.ri's character. i hate how they refuse to acknowledge that she enjoys feeling beautiful, she likes being a feminine, she wants to be a heroine — her issues don't lie in her not being beautiful enough to fit in the heroine mold, but the fact that she can be heroine, regardless of how she perceives herself!

well, introspective reasons aside, i hate the ship on a personal basis bc i've recently found out most ppl who ship it are pushing to make people believe it's canon ? like who the fuck does that. ONE, hiyori does have a canon love interest, nag.isa shiran.ami. TWO, they have never even remotely shown any romantic interest to her ??? well fuck i mean if you count calling her derogatory names, telling her she'll never be a girl if she doesn't dress up, or saying she'll never get a romeo if she rejects nagisa counts as flirting then sure i believe you. THREE, you can literally ship it even if it isn't canon. there is nothing stopping you??? it's giving hypocrisy bc a long loooong time ago they were mad at ai.yuu shippers for continuously mentioning their parallels and the possibility of them becoming canon and they called them [BEEEEEP] . you get the point.

negativity aside, at this point i've probably put you through a horror. sorry about that. all in all, i prefer ai.yuu and nagi.hiyo over lp/hy. i dislike het.lip in general because why would you want to inflict this upon any girl. come on. they can do better. im kidding but you get it. ai and yu trust each other more than anyone, they are canonically each other's most important person, and they are equals in persevering to achieve their dreams. THAT is what yume.fan meant [3] . and i like n.ghy bc nagi.sa has had feelings for hiyori for years, even before she dolled herself up, even before she was a manager, he fell in love with hiyori, and no one else — because in his eyes, she's always been a heroine!! "zutto heroine da" - nagi.sa in heroine wa heikin ika [4]

in case for SOME reason this isn't enough, please feel free to peruse the following posts that expand on some particular parts of this: differences between the mvs and anime | the Trauma scene | yume fan.fare's meaning | personal thoughts 1 | personal thoughts 2

CITATIONS:

[1] LOVE&KISS Chapter 7 — translation

[2] He.roine Taru.mono! Kiraware H.eroine to Naisho Os.higoto Anime Episode 4

[3] Yu.me Fan.fare by LIP.×LIP

[4] Her.oine wa Hei.kin Ika by Su.zumi Hiyo.ri (CV: Ino.ri Mi.nase)

[frogtanii]

tw. mentions / descriptions of a panic attack

bokuto was excited — more excited than he’d been in weeks!

he was finally getting the time to spend time with his beloved, his puppy, for the first time in forever thanks to the recent onslaught of drama the house had been embroiled in.

he figured he should thank you for bringing it all on because now, as he stood in front of meiko’s room, he had a chance.

“puppy!” bokuto called out, knocking on her door enthusiastically. after a moment of muttering, shuffling around and a loud curse, the door opened up just a crack to reveal meiko clad in only a thin bedsheet with her thin lips wrapped around a cigarette.

kotarou peered over her head and into her room where he spotted a quick flash of dark brown hair before meiko stepped out and closed the door behind her.

“who was that?” he questioned innocently, assuming that it was one of the other housemates. meiko narrowed her eyes at him and blew out a puff of smoke.

“what do you want bokuto.” her voice was steely and cold, nothing like her usual peppy self. still, bokuto couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was in there who shouldn’t be.

“you know,” kotarou began hesitantly, studying her face for reactions. “iwaizumi doesn’t like anyone in here who hasn’t signed a contract. and also you’re not allowed to smoke.” his nose turned up at the smell, disgust for the cigarette written clear on his face.

meiko rolled her eyes at him before taking another drag and blowing the smoke out straight into his face. bokuto tried to hold his breath for as long as he could but his lung capacity wasn’t so great. i need to work on that, he thought as he heaved and choked on the smoke circling down into his chest.

the love of his life adjusted her sheet covering before dropping the cigarette to the ground and stomping it out with the end of the blanket. “i asked you a question bokuto. what the fuck do you want?”

the harshness in her tone made him pause. was what he was here for actually important? or would it just bother her unnecessarily?

no, he resolved. bokuto missed her and he wanted to spend time with his kinda-but-not-really-girlfriend! especially after he waited all this time!

“i, i wanted to spend time with you...” with every word, his hesitance grew until he was muttering, the look in meiko’s eyes sending chills down his spine.

“no,” she said and turned back to enter her room. “wait!” bokuto’s hand shot out to grab her arm, very gently pulling her closer to him. “please,” he whispered, tears beginning to rim his wide, golden eyes.

meiko stared back up at him with absolute rage in her eyes as she snatched her limb out of his hold. “listen to me right now bokuto, and listen well,” she sneered, taking a step back towards her bedroom. “i have never liked you. you’re so fucking childish and clingy and annoying! i literally cannot understand how anyone cares to hang around you.”

bokuto felt something inside him shatter at her words, a sharp gasp escaping his parted lips. “but-“ “no buts! you are fucking nothing to me! all you were was a warm body to sleep with but you weren’t even good for that,” meiko’s chest heaved as she finished speaking, her dark eyes trained on the tear tracks on bokuto’s cheeks.

gently, he lifted a hand to his face, barely registering the water that covered them, his mind desperately trying to understand what had just occurred. in the back of his head, he briefly noticed the sound of a door closing and muffled giggling but it was covered by the sound of blood rushing in his ears.

how... could she? he loved her and she, she only wanted to fuck him? he poured out his entire heart, his very soul to her and for what? for her to take it and stomp on it until there was nothing left?

bokuto’s chest felt heavy — he wasn’t breathing. quickly, he took one breath, and then another and another and another until he was collapsed on the ground, heaving for air as he sobbed.

why him? what had he done to deserve this? maybe it was karma — he’d let a plastic bag float by him into a stream when he was 7 even though he knew littering was wrong. maybe it was because he didn’t kiss his mother goodbye the last time he saw her. or maybe the universe was punishing him for everything he’d done to you.

oh, you — the person who meiko had tried so hard to convince him to hate, and he had! his beloved had no reason to lie to him, or at least that’s what he believed until this moment. she lied to him about loving and caring about him so why wouldn’t she lie about everything else?

bokuto’s head was pounding as he tried to rationalize where he’d gone wrong, his usually bright eyes, dull and trained on the ceiling as he attempted to regain his breathing.

it felt like his whole world was collapsing on itself like a fallen star, just waiting to implode and destroy everyone and everything until there was nothing left and—

“hey, look at me, you’re ok,” a soft voice rang out over the buzzing in his head, his eyes beginning to focus on... your figure.

what were you doing here? he so desperately wanted to ask but the words were caught in his throat, trapped behind a wall of despair and anguish.

“don’t try to talk ok? just focus on my breathing, try and match it. i’m going to touch you now.” your soft, small (so much smaller — were you eating enough?) hand wrapped around his own and brought it up to your chest where he could feel the steady rise and fall of your breathing.

bokuto’s breath was shaky and definitely not as smooth as your own, but you didn’t seem to mind, instead holding his hand to your heart until his breathing became level and even.

he must’ve knocked out because by the time he came to, the hall was dark and you were gone, the only memory of you being a box of tissues and a glass of water on the ground next to him.

he reached for the glass first, chugging the whole thing down in only a few seconds. all that crying must have dehydrated him immensely, he realized as he searched for another cup.

standing on shaky legs, bokuto attempted to maneuver to the kitchen, holding onto the walls for stability as he crept through the dark corridors.

he quickly filled up his favorite owl mug (a gift from she-who-will-not-be-named) with water once he made it to the kitchen, extra careful not to make a lot of noise just in case someone was asleep.

bokuto swiftly gulped down his water, placing the cup in the sink where he knew it would not remain because if anything was sure, it was the clean state of the house that meiko kept.

ugh meiko. the whole situation hurt to think about so he didn’t, instead choosing to bury it in the deep recesses of his mind, never to be seen again.

as bokuto trudged upstairs back to his bedroom, he noticed the big black trash bag sat at the end of the hall near daichi’s room. he debated on taking it out himself but was ultimately convinced not to.

it’ll be gone tomorrow, he reasoned as he slipped into his room and bed before quickly falling asleep.

...

it was not gone the next day. neither was the cup in the sink, or the hair on the floor in the bathroom, or the laundry strewn all over the living room.

the whole house seemed to be in shambles and it remained that way for the entirety of the week. meiko was nowhere to be seen, flitting in and out of the house at random, escaping to only god knows where with god knows who.

bokuto didn’t care anymore. she ruined his life so why should he give a half of a shit where she was? what he did care about, on the other hand, was figuring what to do about you.

he wanted to thank you and apologize but he wasn’t sure how to do so! he knew he said some horrible things to you and was determined to make it right — not just for you but for himself too.

℗ poker face

shattered

series masterlist

(●’◡’●)ﾉ

an - ok writing this genuinely made me cry???? bokuto is my comfort character so making him go through this i just </3 i hope it came across ok? it’s literally 1 am so there may v well be typos and massive mistakes but i hope u guys enjoy this miserably sad chapter LMAO don’t forget to feed me <3

taglist - if your name is in bold, i cannot tag you

@boosyboo9206 • @geektastic84 • @elianetsantana • @trashy-simp • @infinitebells • @6mattsun9 • @suhkusa • @sazunari • @kotarosbabygirl • @fucktheworlddude • @insomniacwreck • @calumsfringe • @saltylettuce • @chai-blu • @al3x1ss • @hawksyoongi • @syndellwins • @jooleuuh • @amberalisa • @kissungjae • @liberhoe • @tetsurocore • @animeoverdosee • @duhsies • @saikishairclip • @afire24 • @premiyagi • @kit-kat428 • @doctorspencereid • @daphnxy • @kyomihann • @maer-333 • @sinoflust19 • @peteunderoos • @peachiikichu • @iidanotlida • @yongboxerrr • @kac-chowsballs • @tanakaslastbraincell • @memorableminds • @ris-illustration • @starry-magicshop • @sugavwara • @smuttyanimeslut • @kiwibirbs-library • @haijkk • @airybnb • @babierin • @iwaisa • @decaffinatedtealover • @notameera • @kawaii-angelanne • @rintarovibes • @urlocalsimp

the rest of the tags will be in the replies!!

[lynneshobbydomain]

Memories To Last (OwaMiki Week 2020 Day 4)

((Damn I’m late. I will possibly come back to this and polish this to a better look. Also please, please, please be wary of the tags. The prompt was angst and I came prepared with angst. Please if anything is triggering for you don’t touch it! This will include Major Character Death as well. Thank you so much for OwaMiki Week 2020 for hosting this event!))

Prompt: Angst/Soulmate-Au

Rating: T (16+)

Summary: The said that high school romances don’t last long, and they were lucky that they lasted as long as they did. MIkan thought about how she met Mondo and how they said their inevitable goodbyes.

You can read under the cut or here at my AO3

They said that high school romances don’t last long, and that they were lucky to have lasted for as long as they did. Mikan supposed that was an accurate assumption, as most high school romances did die after graduation. After the initial rebelling against fate and the words that were etched on everyone’s skin, they would unintentionally find their soulmate as they went out into the world. The statistics of finding one’s soulmate in a high school setting was astronomically low. 

She had met hers in the courtyard during lunch. Mahiru, Ibuki, and Hiyori were waiting for her underneath a shaded tree. Mikan had been trying to restock the nurse’s office, as it was her Ultimate and she was shadowing the former Ultimate School Nurse to practice her talent. Today the Nurse was absent, and Mikan had been allowed to miss school until she came back in order to practice and take care of the students. Mikan didn’t doubt that it was an early practical test since taking care of real patients would determine more than a dummy would. 

She was going to have to eat lunch quickly and go back to her job so that if someone got sick or hurt, they would be able to find her. She rushed out of the school and without looking where she was going, slammed herself into a hard wall that made her fall to the ground, hitting her rump and lower back. 

“Shit are ya okay?” She opened her watering eyes to see a hand being held out to her, and a tough-looking gangster standing above her. Her eyes widened in fear before she scrambled up, ignoring the burning on her right forearm as she got onto her feet. She missed the scarred words turning red in acknowledgement until much later that day.

“I-I’m o-okay. I’m so so-sorry!” Mikan apologized profusely. “P-please let me g-go.” Before he could say anything, she grabbed her things and ran away from him. 

It would take days before she would speak to him again. She knew that he was her soulmate, and she felt so ashamed of herself for just running. Of course she would get someone terrifying as a soulmate. Of course it was going to be someone that would probably hurt her. She knew that soulmates were supposed to be good for each other, and that they were supposed to bring out the best in each other, but...she wasn’t sure about this. Gang members never were kind and they were always in dangerous situations. Mikan didn’t want any trouble. She just wanted him to stay as far away from her as possible.

Mikan now would roll her eyes at the teenager that she was. It took Mondo coming into the nurse’s office with a good gash on his head, bleeding and bruised. As if he had just come out from a scrap. She nearly toppled over her supplies in shock when she saw him, bent over against the frame of the door. Both of each other looked, and the scary-looking bike leader was about to leave.

“Wait! Where are you going?” Mikan called out after him, getting to his side and grabbing his arm. “You need to rest and that cut looks dangerous. You need to sit down.”

“Ya don’ want anythin’ to do with me.” Mondo said gruffly. “I can handle it myself.”

“Now’s really not the time to put on a tough guy act.” Mikan panicked. Head injuries were no laughing matter. The slightest bump could be fatal if it was hit in the right place. She dragged him over towards a bed and made him sit down. “I’m going to ask you some questions now and I need to be honest with me and tell me what you think the answer is.”

“What is this a fuckin’ math test?” Mondo asked, his voice raising a little. Mikan flinched, but she had a feeling that he was worried about his own memory. What kind of signs he’d show. 

“Please?!” Mikan wasn’t above begging. “Please. I’ll do anything if you’ll just answer.” Wrong choice of words, but...it got him to stop and clamp his mouth shut. “What’s your name?”

“Mondo Oowada. Nice to fuckin’ meet you I guess.”

“Oowada-san.” Mikan said slowly, “I’m Mikan Tsumiki. It is nice to meet you too. Do you remember what day it is?”

“It’s a monday ain’t it?” Another raised pitch, he didn’t like being unsure of himself. 

“Good, but I was looking for a date.” Mikan prompted as she started to wash the wound. It was a shallow cut, nothing that would need stitches, but it liked to bleed. “Can you tell me that?”

“....Not really.”

“Okay. We can work with that. What’s the capital of Japan?”

“Tokyo. Obviously.”

“Where do you go to school?”

“Hope’s Peak Academy. Am I in the clear, nurse?” Mondo asked gruffly.

“You’re in the clear.” Mikan assured him as she finished putting the bandage on his head. She was grateful for no lasting damage, but she really hoped this wasn’t going to be a common occurrence. She fidgeted with her hands and she felt her throat tighten. She couldn’t let him leave without knowing how serious this was. “I-if you start feeling bad you need to come back here or go to the hospital. Headaches are probably going to be common, but if you start to get a migraine that doesn’t go away after a few hours, or if your stomach starts to get upset, then you want to consider emergency action. You need to have someone watch for you as you recover.”

“That’s it?” Mondo grinned. “Hell yeah. I was expectin’ somethin’ far worse than that! Thanks, doll.”

“Do-doll?!” Mikan stared at him before she remembered that a) this was her soulmate and b) she was going to have to get used to whatever pet name he gave her. “O-oh. Yo-you’re not upset wi-with me then?”

“Upset with you?” Mondo stared at her for a long moment before he looked away. “Look, I probably scared you when I asked if you were okay. I didn’t mean for my voice to get that loud and I was a bit nervous. Sorry.”

“N-no. I do-don’t blame you fo-for getting upset.” Mikan looked away, fidgeting. “Yo-you probably wo-would be an-angry that your soul-soulmate was a clutz li-like me. I do-don’t blame you for ha-hating me.”

“What the fuck?” Mondo looked up at her and Mikan bit her lower lip nervously. “Who the fuck am I punchin’?”

“Huh?!” Mikan immediately got worried. “No, you are not punching anyone! You ju-just got out of a fi-fight! You nee-need to rest more than, more than anything right now!” 

“No one should be sayin’ shit like that to you. Jesus Christ if I find out you’re-”

Mikan wasn’t sure if she should be touched with the fact that he was willing to fight someone on her behalf despite just meeting her and knowing tha she was his soulmate, or be worried that it was his first response. “I-it’s no big deal.” She assured. “Ri-right now you sho-shouldn’t be punching an-anyone. If you are I’m, uh, I’m going to b-be really m-mad at you.”

They both kept a look at each other and Mikan wanted to hide underneath a table or apologize. He was injured though, and she needed to stay on somewhat of a firm foot. He couldn’t jeopardize his health like that. Finally he looked away and got himself up. “I’ll keep an eye out on my injuries.” He said after a moment. “Thanks for lookin’ out for me Mikan.”

“An-anytime Oowada-san.”

“Mondo. Call me Mondo.”

It was supposed to be the end of that, but they continued to run into each other after that. Mikan was too worried about him to let him go, and he kept getting hurt every other week. Nagito would call it the best luck ever to have hit her and most of her classmates would agree. Of course, with Nagito’s superstition about his luck, whatever good happens, bad wasn’t too far behind. 

Of course all relationships had their ups and their downs, Mikan wouldn’t say that Mondo’s and hers was anything that was sweet and perfect. They fought. He was stubborn, she was a worry-wart, they both argued on the occasion about her getting hurt and her friends and in turn they’d argue about him and his bike riding and the fights that he would get himself into. He gave her more than enough heart attacks throughout high school, and the one time she wound up in the hospital herself made him snap.

“You’re comin’ home with me.” He said when he sat down next to her. The machines next to her beeped insistently. She had small gifts on her bedside table. If anyone wasn’t familiar with Mondo, they would’ve thought that he was trying to intimidate her with how close his chair was to her bed and how he sat, ready to get up on his feet and knock someone’s light’s out. His hands were already balled into fists, hanging on his lap. His expression is too serious to take lightly. 

Mikan didn’t have the heart or the energy to argue with him this time. She was lucky to have been able to crawl to the telephone and ask for the ambulance. She was used to being tortured and made fun of. She was used to having her hair pulled and yanked around. She was used to getting slammed into walls and being looked at. Being used in more ways than one. She deserved every little bit of it, she believed. Yet this time...this time she knew that they crossed the line. She broke her arm down the stairs and she couldn’t walk. She knew she tore something inside of her and she was right. 

As much as they hated her now, they were under arrest and the kit was done and the evidence was gathered. Mondo must’ve heard that she was stuck here through the grapevine. She didn’t doubt that Mahiru or Peko might’ve had an idea of what was going on. Peko considered that she was part of the yakuza and listened in on police scanners. Mahiru because if she was absent for anything, it was because she wasn’t in great shape. 

“O-okay.” Mikan murmured. “I’m so-sorry.”

“Not this time, nurse.” Mondo assured. “Nothin’ to be sorry. We’ll get it right.”

She still had no idea what that meant, but she could understand the implication. Mikan gathered what little she had and she did move in with the Ooada family and she had to learn fast to get used to loud voices. Every single one of them were loud. Yelling was a common household theme. 

They did their best to soften around her and they did their best to make sure that they weren’t overly obnoxious, but there were times where she heard Mondo’s mother knock a couple pans out of the way and made her flinch, and where she heard Mondo and his mother talk as though they were arguing when in reality it was just another conversation. 

Mikan brought her hands together and rubbed them against her forehead, trying to keep her heart from breaking further at the memories that were playing through her mind. Their first date. Their first kiss. The first time he called her “babe”. The moment he proposed to her and married her. 

“What do ya think of kids?”  

Mikan was trying to help wash dishes and hadn’t expected the question. The plate slipped out of her fingers dropped back into the soapy water, splashing at her mercilessly. Mondo laughed and she let out a sharp whine giving him a look. “Yo-you did that on pu-purpose!” She was getting better at trying to bicker with him. It was how he showed he was close to people and it didn’t do her any good to apologize with a head bowed low. He inspired her to be confident, and in turn their apartment wasn’t filled with banging doors and softer expressions of affection.

“Nah. I was actually just curious. I was just thinkin’ about it and was wondering your thoughts. Not expectin’ an answer though. I’m damn happy to be where I am now. No pressure.”

“Kids.” Mikan mused as she reached for the plate and started to scrub it again. She let her mind wander as she tried to picture the family. It would have to be a big one, Mondo wasn’t the type that would go for just one. If he was then that would be a surprise. She thought about where they were in their lives. Mikan worked extremely long hours and she barely got to be home. Mondo worked as a carpenter, but still rode his bike on occasion with his gang since they got married. Between the two of them they made enough to be comfortable, and it’d stay like that if they had one or two. “I…” She trailed off. “Maybe.” She said in answer.

“Again there’s really no fuckin’ pressure.” Mondo looked at her. “I’m happy as we are.”

“Y-yes, but…” Mikan trailed off. “I do wan-want to be a mot-mother. I ju-just don’t kno-know how good of one I-I’d be. W-we could d-do it if w-we wanted to.”

“I get it.” Mondo said quietly as he took the plate from her and started drying it. Mikan panicked a little inwardly, trying to think of where she might’ve gone wrong in her statement. “I don’t know how good of a father I’d be. My dad ditched my mom after I was born. Mom had to raise me and Daiya by her lonesome.”

“I-I don’t thi-think you’d leave.” Mikan assured. “I-if any-anything yo-you’d stick so close t-to me we wo-would be att-attached to the hip.”

“Hell yea.” Mondo flashed her a grin. “So you in or you out?”

No pressure. Mikan smiled thoughtfully. “In.” She said, mustering all the confidence in the world to say it.

Of course that was the start of the problem wasn’t it? It was the start where everything that went wrong could go wrong. Mikan nor Mondo ever really told anyone about it. It had happened so quickly, and they were internally grateful that they both had thought to wait on announcing anything when it happened.

Mondo and Mikan threw themselves into work, but they also threw themselves together when they were able to meet again from long work hours, trying to recover from the loss. They talked here and there about trying again, but the moment always felt wrong to them both. As if they were trying to replace something that couldn’t ever be replaced. 

Now this and Mikan was devastated. She looked up from tracing the words on her arms as she looked at Mondo’s lying form in the hospital bed. It had been a wreck. She was on call for thirty six hours, and she had just barely started her shift when she was told to get off the clock and get into the waiting room. There was no way she could help, it was unethical practice and she was too emotionally attached to the patient. All she could do was pray and pray and pray…

But praying didn’t work here and his mother was sitting on the other side of him. Brain dead, they said. He was on life support, but there was no way that was going to continue. There was no way it was going to last. Mikan twisted her rings, trying to come up with something to say but she couldn’t.

How did she miss her arm turning black?

“Hey babe, me the boys are going to go on one last ride around the town.”

Mikan looked up from reading and she grinned at him. It had been a hot minute since he thought about going with his friends. “B-be safe.” She told him sincerely.

“Always.” He walked behind her and gave her an upside down kiss, cupping her cheek and stroking her hair, just the way she liked before he moved off of her. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Mikan beamed.

Of course it wasn’t every day the last words spoken were going to be loving ones. She saw blackened words of hate and of ambiguity. She saw how her patient’s lovers and friends all felt remorse for the things that they said, things that they wish they could say. She was grateful that Mondo didn’t live like that. 

He lived with saying everything that he needed to say. There wasn’t a person in their friend group that could have remorse. More conversations? Of course, that would be the most common regret. More hangouts? More invites? More being around each other? Mikan knew those kinds of regrets wouldn’t sit well with the biker. 

“I-is it okay if…” Mikan let out a shuddering breath, trying to hold herself together even though she wanted to burst into tears. Later. She could fall apart later. “If I...called his friends? L...let t-them-”

“Of course.” Her mother in law said quietly. It was the first time and the only time Mikan ever heard her talk so soft. As though she was afraid that she was going to wake Mondo up. Mikan wanted to assure her that Mondo could sleep through anything, but...that was the point now. She stumbled upwards and went into the hallway. 

She didn’t go to the phone at first, she went straight to the bathroom and turned on the faucet as loud as she could get it. She burst into tears and collapsed onto her knees. She as all alone. She was going to be all alone. She wasn’t going to go to the apartment and see him. She wasn’t going to hear him yell for her across the  apartment. They weren’t going to bicker over little things like dinner plans and dates. They weren’t going to cuddle on the couch and watch something stupid on the television. They weren’t going to….

She cried until her heart couldn’t take it and her stomach hurt. She cried until her body ached and she just wanted to go home and wrap herself in a blanket. She wanted to pretend that this was all a bad dream and that he was going to be at the apartment. This was just a nightmare and she was going to wake up. 

She was going to wake up?

She stood on wobbling legs and she held herself steady on the sink. Her face was splotchy and her eyes were swollen and red. She looked like a mess and she couldn't bring herself to apologize for it. Not even to her reflection. She turned the water off, not needing it anymore to hide her sobbing and crying. She tried to find a way to pull herself together, but every time she thought she stitched herself up correctly she wanted to fall apart again.

She needed to call his friends.

Taka.

Makoto.

She needed to call them especially. She stumbled out of the bathroom and headed towards the phones. She apologized over and over again, her voice breaking. She couldn’t remember exactly what she said, or what she was told...but she knew that the message got across and…

Taka was there within an instant. She knew it took him much longer than that, but he was there within a good few minutes. Makoto wasn’t far behind. It...was hard to be there with them. Taka was unashamed in his emotions and she burst back into tears as he cried. They both hugged each other, trying desperately to comfort each other but at the same time understanding that the loss was going to be inevitable. Makoto also shed tears, and was dragged into a hug as well. 

They tried to swap stories, share memories, but it was raw. It was hard. Mikan felt like it was poking at a bruise that had yet to heal, still fresh. She thought about him in the nurses office and all the times in between with wounds and a smile. He was bulletproof until he wasn’t anymore.

She went back to her apartment soon afterwards, unable to keep her eyes open and knowing she needed the strength for what would come next. The plans, the goodbyes, the event. Mondo would want all of his friends there, his ex-gang. They undoubtedly felt ashamed for what had happened, and she couldn’t...bring herself to hate them. It was easier to forgive. 

She sat on the bed, trying to keep herself together but knowing that she was going to fall apart. She was alone. The apartment felt empty and devoid of life. She rubbed her arm again, tracing the black words as she tried to keep her sanity. The only positive thought that went through her mind was what her friends had told her a long time ago. That high school romances didn’t last long, and that they were lucky to have lasted as long as they did. 

[hatake-kakashi]

What are some of your fave animes

OK LET ME PREFACE THIS BY SAYING I HAVEN’T BEEN INTO ANIME SINCE 2014 AND I AM JUST RECENTLY GETTING BACK INTO IT!! BUT

- DEATH NOTE (netflix, crunchyroll, funimation, kisscartoon)

it follows a guy named Light Yagami who discovers that a shinigamai(god of death) dropped a notebook into the human realm and that whoever’s name is written in it will die(and you can specify how, if you’d like). it shows how he becomes sort of a vigilante to put criminals in place. he is then under suspect as the killer by L, a smart and elite person who works with the police and has never lost a case. 

seasons: 1 total episodes: 37

RATING: 10/10!!!

warning: violence/murder, major character death but like thats expected, religious themes(i guess), light swearing

fave characters: matsuda and L are high up there...as well as Mello, Mikami, and Gevanni ships: i mean the most common ship is Lawlight(LxLight) but i think my main are lawtsuda(L x matsuda), mikalight (mikami x light), mikanni (mikami x gevanni), and mellodramattic(mello x matt)/nearlymellodramattic(near x mello x matt)!!! remisa is also cute:( notes: i just spent all my money on the manga! i’m so excited to read it!!! 

- SIRIUS THE JAEGER (netflix,  probably kisscartoon but i havent looked)

the main character, Yuliy Jirov, is the last of his tribe (he is a sirus. so like...sorta like a werewolf) and he is set to revenge his family’s death as a jaeger(hunter. but like. a vampire hunter) but it turns out his brother, Mikhail, is alive and was turned. the main goal of the plot is to find and also somehow protect this thing called Ark Of Sirius , which is sort of like sacred power that was given to Yuliy’s tribe, from falling into vampire hands. 

seasons: 1 total episodes: 12

RATING: 10/10!!!

warning: violence, action, major(?) character death

fave characters: Yuliy...i love him so much; Mikhail, Hideomi, Willard ships: so uh i wouldn’t recommend going thru the ao3 tag because its a common thing to ship the brothers(*disgusted emoji*) but i am working on writing something to fill the tag with hideomi/mochizuki, hideomi/willard, and yuliy/phillip

notes: i think the way the creators did the vampires is really interesting. honestly i watched it bc of the pretty vampire man in the cover. i learned that i hate him but he’s still pretty. THIS SHOW IS REALLY SHORT PLEASE WATCH IT I AM BEGGING TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH

- CASTLEVANIA (netflix, ???)

Dracula sends creatures of the night(? literally don’t know another way to describe them. uh. monsters?) to attack the cities of Wallachia because they killed his, albeit human, wife (her name is Lisa)because they thought she practiced witchcraft. It follows Trevor Belmont, the last son of the Belmont family (a family that basically killed these creatures + vampires); Sypha Belnades, a badass speaker magician; and Adrian ‘Alucard’ Tepes, the son of dracula. their goal is to end the war against the human race. It also shows Dracula’s side of things and follows the two humans that are on his court, Hector and Isaac (they both denounced humanity because of their bad upbringings/experiences)

seasons: 3 total episodes: 22

RATING: 10/10!!!

warning: violence/gore, action, death/killing, sex, angst, religous themes, swearing

fave characters: really love the main three of course but like i also love Hector ships: trevor/sypha/alucard, hectorcard, alucard x happiness, hector x happiness

notes: it’s based off the video game. season three fucked me up(it’s AMAZING THOUGH!) i cannot wait for season 4 omg:(((( 

- NARUTO (netflix, cruncyroll, funimation, probs kisscartoon)

naruto uzumaki wants to gain recognition from his peers and also become the leader of his village(hokage)

seasons: 5 (i didn’t watch shippuden. i’m talking the OG naruto) total episodes: 220

RATING: 10/10 but like tbd bc ive only seen the first 3 seasons so far

warning: violence, action

fave characters: kakashi, iruka, gaara, rock lee ships: uhh kakairu(kakashi x iruka) i don’t really ship a lot of things. kobuto x orochimaru is kinda good too but like LKASDFASD

- B: THE BEGINNING (netflix, ???)

Genius investigator Keith Flick rejoins the royal police force, RIS, just as serial killer "B" emerges and commits a double murder. Mysterious youth Koku may be an ally of the group's -- or a target. When the RIS investigates a death that appears to be linked to B, Keith disagrees with the crime being connected to the criminal mastermind. An attack on a member of the RIS leads members of the group to suspect a traitor within their ranks. After being declared a murder suspect, Keith turns himself in. Koku is forced to fight for his survival

i copy and pasted that bc i cannot remember it that well but i do remember liking the show!! i will rewatch and update accordingly w my own summary

RATING: 8/10??? i can’t remember it that well which is why the rating is lower than the others

fave characters: oh dear i cannot remember a lot about this show but it’s good i promise. MINATSUKI was pretty tho ships: idk....

notes: yeah i need to rewatch it but its good i swear

OTHER NOTABLE ONES ::: 

- tokyo ghoul ( i haven’t seen the new season so i don’t want to review it before that)

- free! (i haven’t seen it in a while aa)

- one punch man (i watched it on a bus w this guy i used to like so it has a place in my heart aa)

- yuri on ice (honestly the fandom sucks but if you ignore that it’s actually pretty cute)

- dramatical murder (uh. this was a bl game and the game was very bad but i think the characters are cute.)

- haikyuu (currently watching)

- bleach (currently watching)

- 7SEEDS (currently watching and like it’s good but it’s kinda slow for me so i might give up on her...)

SHOWS I PLAN ON WATCHING/LOOKING INTO:::

- d.gray man/d.gray man hallow

- psycho pass

- k

- death parade

- darker than black

- devil may cry

- kabaneri of the iron fortress

- hunter x hunter

- kakegurui (?? idk yet but i like the art)

- inuyasha

- god eater

- hero mask

- sailor moon

- fruits basket

- blue exorcist

- no.6

- sword gai: the animation

- wave!! (when it comes out!)

- hellsing (?)

- fullmetal alchemist

- devilman crybaby

- psychic detective yakumo

- 91 days

i have no idea if any of these are problematic and some probably are and if they are and i find out , i will keep that in mind but like sometimes i just like to enjoy things lol

[msjr0119]

Cordonian Wags

Part 9 - One day in New York

In a world full of Professional footballers and their demanding wives- can their football team nicknamed the ‘Cordonian Apples’ succeed? An American female physiotherapist joins the club. Will this cause issues with the footballers wives?

*This series is based on The Royal Romance characters who belong to Pixelberry - AU Plot switch*

A chapter with no drama 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼... but that won’t last- sorry not sorry 🤣😜

Tags: @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @whenyourheartskipsabeat @jovialyouthmusic @nz1091 @yukinagato2012 @indiacater

******

20years ago

Bianca Walker was struggling with the sudden death of her husband. He was born and raised in Cordonia, and once married they uprooted from Texas to move back there.

Her two children were only 5 and 3. It had been a year since he had passed away and she began to feel homesick.

Jackson was a friendly man, he would make new friends in an instant. One of those people he made friends with was called Bastien. Born and raised in New York, he was a physio. He had moved to Cordonia due to a job opportunity at one of the country’s football clubs. Jackson made him feel settled in this new habitat after meeting in a bar one night. They became the best of friends.

Bastien was still close to Bianca and her young children. Once the season had ended, he had suggested taking her and the young children back to Texas for the early summer break - as long as they could do a detour via New York. She gladly agreed, she was grateful that he was still looking out for them. Packing their suitcases they were ready to leave the following morning.

*****

Touching down in New York, it was early morning. All feeling jet lagged they met a man at the airport. His name was Andy Brooks- he was Bastien’s best childhood friend.

“Man! It’s good to see you!” Andy pulled Bastien in for bromance hug.

“You must be Bianca, it’s lovely to meet you and your gorgeous children. I’m Andy.”

“And you too. This is Drake and Savannah. They are 5 and 3.”

“My two daughters are the same age. Before you leave the city, you should come over for a bbq. Let the kids run wild?”

Bianca and Bastien nodded. They were staying in New York for five days.

*****

The day after the sun was shining, it was the perfect weather for a bbq at the Brooks’ house- they lived at Staten Island. Bastien had hired a car, and immediately remembered the house - he had so many memories rush through his mind. It was Andy’s parents house before Andy and Jackie bought it off them.

Turning the ignition off, he smiled as he saw the two special people close to his heart on the lawn.

“Uncle Bastien!” They both screamed in unison, before running into his arms. Holding one girl in each arm, they each held him tightly.

“Lindsey. Riley. Girls I’ve missed you so much!”

Bianca, Drake and Savannah joined them. The four children were staring at each other as if they were having a stand off. Jackie came over, into the front garden introducing herself.

“Linz, Ri ... why don’t you take Drake and Savannah through to the back garden?”

“Oh, I don’t think they will play with your beautiful girls. My children are very shy.”

“Give them time Bianca, they’ll be the best of friends by the end of the day. Hey, maybe even be friends in the future?”

*****

There was an awkward silent between the four children. Drake stood next to Savannah protectively holding her. Lindsey did the same with Riley. Bastien noticed the awkwardness and decided to intervene. After explaining that they were all new friends, they decided to play hide and seek. Lindsey insisted that she would seek due to being the oldest.

Finding Savannah first, they both began searching for Drake and Riley. Riley was hiding in her usual spot, behind the wooden play house. Assuming her sister would find her straight away she was concerned that she hadn’t already found her.

“Move. This is my spot.”

“We can share.”

“No, Drake. This is my spot. My house. My garden.”

Drake pushed her further behind the house covering her mouth gently with his hand.

“You’re going to blow our cover Riley. Shhh.”

“Ha! Found you. Are you girlfriend and boyfriend now?” Lindsey asked looking at the two hugging each other, remaining silent after their little argument.

“Urgh. No. She’s a kid.”

“What’s a girlfriend and boyfriend?” Savannah asked innocently.

“Kids... foods ready.” Jackie shouted in the distance.

“Yum! Come on guys.” Lindsey demanded as she had nominated herself to be the leader of the group.

****

They all gathered around the fire and began eating. Riley was struggling to put the ketchup on her hotdog- her parents were too busy talking to Bianca making her feel welcome in their home. Mrs Walker had explained about her late husband, and was grateful for the Brooks’ being concerned and friendly- allowing three strangers into their home with open arms. They had invited her to stay with them if ever she needed a break. Savannah walked up to her new friend, looking baffled as Riley was out of breath.

“Whatcha doing?”

“I can’t get it out.” Riley grimaced, frustrated as she squeezed the bottle.

“My brother is strong. Drake?” Drake rolled his eyes back, hearing his sisters pleading tone of voice. He was always coming to his little sisters rescue.

“What’s up Sav?”

“We can’t get the ketchup out.”

Drake snatched the bottle off Riley, taking the lid off it whilst looking at the two idiots stood in front of him. He squirted the ketchup on Riley’s hotdog. Savannah grabbed one too and asked him to put some on hers.

“Thank you.” The two girls said in unison, both smiling softly at Drake.

After their hotdogs, Riley and Savannah were playing with their dolls- contently. Lindsey was showing off dancing in front of their guests. Drake was playing with his hot wheel cars. Feeling jealous that his sister had abandoned him, he purposely rammed his car into Riley’s doll.

“Hey!”

“What?” Drake smirked.

“You hurt my doll.”

“It’s just a doll.”

“But it’s my favourite doll.” Tears began to form in Riley’s eyes.

“Kiss it better then.”

“No. You hurt her.”

“It’s not real.”

“She is too.”

Drake kissed the doll, just to shut up the annoying girl sat beside him. He shook his head, he hated her- sulking in the corner he felt outnumbered. Bastien went over to comfort him.

Jackie was slightly embarrassed by her daughters overdramatised reaction. She whispered to Riley- Ri darling, that wasn’t called for- go and give Drake a hug and say sorry. It was an accident.

Riley walked over to her Uncle Bastien, Drake wouldn’t look at her. Biting her lip, she pulled him in for a tight squeeze- Drake’s body froze.

“Sorry, Drake.” She turned to her parents smiling and fluttered her eyelashes- before returning to play with Savannah.

“Ah. She made Drake blush.” Bastien laughed, not meaning to embarrass Drake- instantly he now turned red every time he looked at Riley.

“I hate girls.”

“They aren’t all that bad, son. When you’re older and you find the one girl that you love.. you will know.”

******

Present time

Bianca and Bastien just smiled at Drake’s and Riley’s reactions. They both had an inkling that the two younger people stood in front of them were having a secret relationship.

“I suppose that’s why I liked you when you came here, as you made me blush all those years ago. I remember it now.” Drake nervously laughed. He was still holding her waist. Whilst Riley stood frozen. She couldn’t remember it.

“I don’t remember. Mom and Dad really did enjoy their bbqs. And Drake? I thought you told Bastien you hated girls?”

Riley laughed reiterating Bastien’s story of the flashback. Gulping, he whispered in ear, not wanting his Mom and Bastien to hear.

“I was five, I hate most people and most women. But I like you. Ri.... listen to me. This is hard for me to say, because I don’t express my feelings. Ever. But... will you go out on a date with me? I’ll spoil you like you deserve to be spoilt.”

“Do you know it’s rude to whisper?” Bianca said smiling. She was wondering what her son was whispering, as she observed Riley’s eyes widen and her cheeks become a bright shade of red.

Drake turned Riley towards him so she was looking into his eyes - whilst all intrigued eyes were watching them. In that moment of time he felt like the world had melted around them.

“What about Kiara? I’m a dead woman for kissing you as far as she was aware.”

“Kiara who? She’s not pregnant, and if she is it definitely isn’t mine. The locksmith changed my house’s locks this morning. Apparently she’s returned to her parent’s. Zeke confirmed before.”

“Drake... I ... I like you a lot. You’re a great guy. But...”

“But what? We’ve already slept together. Didn’t that mean anything to you?”

“We had been drinking on those occasions Drake, I don’t want to be hurt anymore. The difference between you and I- my soon to be ex husband is god knows where, Kiara could be anywhere.”

“For fuck sake Riley. I’ll never hurt you! Please just give me a chance. What do you want me to do? Beg?”

Riley’s eyebrows raised up, as Drake took her hands into his. A larger crowd forming around him, he began to blush even more after repeatedly asking for a chance. Riley looked down on her left hand- she still wore her wedding rings. Removing her hand away from his, she pulled her rings off her finger- placing them in her clutch bag. Her finger felt bare not having the heavy diamonds rest on it.

“What do you intend on doing on this date then, Walker?”

“You’ll go on a date with me?”

“Yes.”

Drake picked Riley up and spun her around, his ankle was still sore but the pain relief that was helping him recover was Riley. The crowd of friends along with Bianca and Bastien cheered them.

Placing her down back on the ground, he held her close to his chest- resting his forehead against hers. His arms went around her waist, nothing would wipe this genuine smile off his face.

“Tomorrow night, be ready for 7pm. I’ll pick you up.”

[hannahindie]

Winchestered

Characters: Dean Winchester, Neal (OC), Alice (OC), Reader, Sam Winchester (brief) Word Count: 3,896 Warnings: Language, insinuated sexy times, patented Dean Winchester snark, smoking A/N: My dear, precious, beautiful @pinknerdpanda requested a Christmas fic using the song “Fairytale of New York” by Dustin Kensrue. You can listen to it HERE. I know it’s after Christmas and that it took me forever, but I hope you all enjoy it. I hope that the title makes sense once you start reading...if not...well...I mean, I don’t know. hahah

Beta’d by @pinknerdpanda (because I can’t not show her things early, even when they’re for her) : “Lystjblhisjfh we yxmvpyskgxiskh itoskhc”

and @masksandtruths, because I had her workin’ overtime yesterday. -wink- Thanks, babe. “THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS! someone said it! For such an intelligent human, Dean has a lot of trouble with this simple fact.”

As usual, tags are at the bottom. If you’d like to be added, please let me know. :)

Motherfucker.

I groaned, my head aching as I turned on the hard surface I was laying on and squinted at the old man across from me who was singing obnoxiously loud.

Hi di-diddly-idle-um, diddly-doodle-idle-um, diddly-doo-ri-diddlum-deh Hi di-diddly-idle-um, diddly-doodle-idle-um, diddly-doo-ri-diddlum-deh

He gave me a nearly toothless grin and I groaned again as I squeezed my eyes shut.

“What the hell are you singing, and why?”

“It's Christmas time, m’boy. Will pro’ly be m’last one, and it's m’ favorite tune. Thought I'd serenade ya good and proper.”

“That...that isn’t a Christmas song.” I rolled back over and tried to ignore him, my head pounding. I don't know what the fuck I did or where I was last night, but being in the drunk tank of some podunk town was not exactly where I wanted to be - especially on Christmas. Sammy was gonna kill me.

“Oh, but fer ya, ‘tis. Ya don’t recognize where ya are, do ya?”

“I’m in some town in BFE, when I should be...well, anywhere else. I'm guessing I tied one on a little harder than I planned. And now here I am, trying to ignore some old man trying and failing to sing an Irish ballad and wondering where my brother is so he can get me the fuck outta here. Does that sound about right?”

“Well, son, ya ain't wrong. But that ain't what I was talkin’ about.” He slid over closer to me and I rolled back over to look at him.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Why don't ya sit up and take a good look, see where ya are, and then mebbe I’ll tell ya.”

I groaned and sat up, if for no other reason than to shut him up, and I leaned my head in my hands. Jesus, what did I do? “Okay, I'm up. What am I looking at?”

“Just look.”

I sighed and looked up, the light searing into my hungover eye sockets like lasers. The room was oddly familiar, and I ground the heel of my hand into my eyes. “This...where am I?”

The old man chuckled and I glared at him. He cleared his throat as he stood and walked over to the wall of steel bars that had us trapped. “Ain't so much as where, lad, but when.” He motioned for me to join him and I stood up with a groan, then stumbled to the bars and looked out. Suddenly, it hit me where I was.

“How...this...but I wasn't even here, Sam and I are somewhere in Mississippi,” I mumbled more to myself than the crazy old man who was grinning at me like he'd won the lottery. Judging by my surroundings, I wasn't in Mississippi...I was in New York, although the drunk tank still made sense. But if that was the case… “This happened...hell...twenty years ago. Unless you're an angel, I know I didn't time travel. What the hell is this?”

“Did ya have a favorite Christmas movie, m’boy?”

I glared, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, did ya?” He cocked an eyebrow at me and I had the overwhelming urge to punch him in the face.

“Well, I know this isn’t Die Hard...aw, shit, you’ve got to be kidding me. Scrooged? Seriously? Nah, this is...I got hit really hard in the head, didn’t I? That’s what this is, because it can’t be because I’m some selfish bastard that never does anything for anybody.” I turned to look at the old man, “Because that’s bullshit. I might hate myself, but even I can recognize that I have given up everything for this godforsaken hell hole of a planet.”

“It ain’t always about bein’ selfish, laddie. Sometimes it’s just about showin’ ya what you already know.”

I rolled my eyes, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He nodded his head towards the bars and I looked out to see the last person I expected to be there. “Y/N?”

She stopped short of the bars and crossed her arms, “You know, it doesn’t look great for an FBI agent to be tossed into the drunk tank, much less on Christmas Eve. What were you thinking, Winchester?”

“Y/N, I-” I stopped short when I heard someone respond...when I heard myself respond, rather snarkily.

“Aww, c’mon, sweetheart. I was just celebrating, alone I might add, because someone didn’t want to come with me. We finished the job in record time, we did it well, and we don’t have anything lined up for the next few days.” I turned around to see myself stand up from the bed, then walk over and lean haphazardly against the bars. “Bust me outta here and let’s go have some fun, huh?”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t act like that, that’s not remotely accurate.”

“‘Tis a memory, lad. Sorry to say it, but m’thinks tha’ twenty years ago, you pro’lly did act like that. Just keep watchin’.”

Y/N motioned to the guard, who came over and unlocked the cell door. Younger me strolled out, gave the guard a wink, then followed Y/N down the hall and out of the jail. I followed close behind, the old man trailing after me. “You’re lucky I was with you. You realize John would have just left you in there.”

“Yea, yea, I know. But you’re not my old man, and for once it’s just us. No Dad, no Sammy...just us.” He stopped Y/N as I looked on, my heart aching at how beautiful she was in the bright light of the moon. “We’re in New York, why don’t we make the best of it, huh?”

“And do what, Dean? It’s freezing cold, you hate museums and musicals-”

“Hey, I don’t hate ‘em! I’m just very particular about them.” He grabbed Y/N’s hands and rubbed them between his, “What about I take you to Broadway, we’ll go to one of those musicals you’re always going on about? Maybe we can go to Rockefeller Center, go ice skating.”

She laughed and I smiled; God, I missed that laugh. I missed the sound of it, and how her nose crinkled and her eyes squeezed shut. I missed the way she’d laugh so hard she would snort, which would throw her into another round of laughter that caused tears and hiccups as she tried to calm down. I missed her.

“Okay, fine. But you’re paying since I had to bail you out.” He laughed and held his arm out to her.

“Fair enough.” They walked away together in the darkness and I sighed.

“What’s the point in this, old man? Just to remind me of what? That I lost my best friend? That everything that happened from here on out was a catastrophic failure? Because I knew that already. I’ve known it for awhile.”

He gave me a sad smile and shook his head, “Let’s go. We’ve got a coupla more stops to make, don’t wanna lose track o’ time.” He reached out to me and I took a step back.

“I don’t think so. I’m done with this. I’ll wake up, and I’ll be in the floor of some abandoned house, and I’ll have to hear from Sammy how I got my ass handed to me. I’m over it, man.” I turned to walk away and suddenly a hand gripped my upper arm tightly.

“We ain’t done until I say it’s done, m’boy,” the old man practically growled,”Ya need to understand it’s not always about ya, or what ya want. Now, c’mon.” That’s about the time everything went black.

When I woke up, I was sitting on a bench directly on Broadway, and although I got a couple of weird looks, people walked around my legs like nothing was wrong. I guess I wasn’t the first person to jut my legs out into the middle of the sidewalk. “What the hell…”

“Ya say that an awful lot, don’t ya?” I looked up to see the man from before and groaned.

“Well, that tends to be the reaction of someone who keeps getting zapped through time.” I sat up and stretched, “What’s your name anyway?”

“My rightful title is the Ghost of Christmas Past, but ya can call me Neal.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Neal? Really?”

He shrugged, “Ya can call me by m’full name, but that is a bit much, ain’t it? Neal is fine.”

I stood up and shoved my hands in my pockets, “Okay Neal, why are we here?”

He gestured toward the building in front of me and I looked up to see a sign advertising Annie Get Your Gun. The doors flew open and a crowd of people poured out, young me and Y/N trailing after the group, laughing and smiling. Y/N jabbed young me in the ribs with her elbow.

“Admit it, you loved it.”

He shrugged, “It was okay. Annie Oakley is pretty cool, so I admit...for a musical...it was pretty good. But don’t expect me to admit that to anyone else, I’ll deny it.” He grabbed Y/n by the waist and she smiled.

“What do you think you’re doing, Dean Winchester?”

He grinned and winked, “Something I should have done a long time ago.” He bent down and kissed her, and I couldn’t help but smile at the memory. I watched as the crowd swarmed around them, how oblivious they were to the swirling bodies that bumped against them as they exited the theater. He pulled back and she looked up at him, her eyes wide. I remember when she used to look at me like that; it was like I was the only person that existed.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, her voice low.

He smiled as he brushed hair from her face, and it took everything I had not to reach out and try to do the same myself, “You’re beautiful, do you realize that? The prettiest girl in all of New York.”

She blushed, “Oh shut up. Quit trying to impress me, even though it might be working.” He grinned and grabbed her hand.

“Let’s go.” The two took off down the sidewalk and Neal and I followed. They stopped at the corner, and from down the street, the smooth voice of Frank Sinatra carried all the way to where they were standing. He leaned down and kissed her again, and this time, she kissed back. I closed my eyes as I remembered the spark, how my hands had sunk into her hair, how she had clung to me as if she was afraid to let go. By the time I opened my eyes, they were gone, drawn into the crowd as they made their way to the next destination.

“Aren’t we going to follow them? I mean...us?”

Neal shrugged, “Do ya remember what happens next?”

I nodded, “I took her to Rockefeller Center to ice skate. It was crowded as hell, not exactly as romantic as I had pictured it, but she loved every second of it. I busted my ass more than once, but she was flawless. Kind of reminded me of when she hunted, graceful but still dangerous...like she knew something everyone else didn’t. She...we...were happy.” I sighed and turned to face Neal again, “Why are we doing this? What is the point in all this?”

Neal smiled and gave a small shrug, “Now if I told ya that, laddie, it would defeat the purpose. Go on, now. It’s time to move on.”

“What do you mean? Isn’t there a schedule to this, like the next one comes at midnight tomorrow to collect me and show me the error of my ways? I mean, that’s what-”

Before I could finish my sentence, Neal was gone and I wasn’t in New York anymore. I was standing outside an abandoned house, alone.

I looked around, the setting familiar but not, and threw my hands up. “Seriously, Neal? No warning, no recoup time, just straight into the next one?”

“We don't really have time for that, it's not like we’re filming a movie.”

I jumped at the sudden voice and turned to face the source. A short woman with messy blonde hair was standing behind me, her hands jammed in her pockets and a look of semi-annoyance on her face. “Oh, great, so I guess you're the fairy that smacks me around. Just what I needed.”

She shrugged, “I don't have to smack you around, unless you're into that kind of thing. Not a fairy either. Name’s Alice, but you can call me Al.”

“Well, it’s not nice to meet you, Al.” I turn and look back at the house, “What is this place?”

“I don't know, this is your life, dude. I just show you want you need to see.” Before I can say anything else, I hear a snap and Al and I are standing in the dilapidated living room. Sammy is leaned against a doorway, his arms crossed as he watched Y/N flip through a giant book.

“Wait...this is...this is house we’re holed up in in Mississippi. What's Y/N doing there? It was just me and Sam on this job…” Al shrugged again and I rolled my eyes, “Is that all you do, just shrug?”

“Yea, mostly.”

“Sam, stop it. It's not going to work.” I look at Y/N, who had spoken without looking up.

“What are you talking about? I legitimately needed help, and since Dean is MIA, I thought maybe you could be useful.” Sam was lying, I could see it on his face. If I knew Y/N well enough, she also knew.

“Bullshit. He made his choice, quit trying to Parent Trap us. Where is he anyway? Out with his latest Christmas Eve conquest?”

She said it with a laugh, but I could see the look on her face, and it broke my heart. “Y/N, I swear, I’m not with anyone! I don’t...I don’t know what’s happening, but...it’s not that.”

“She can’t hear you, you know.”

“I know she can’t fucking hear me, Al! Dammit, what is this supposed to teach me, huh? That I shouldn’t have broken up with her? That I should have drug her into a life of pain and uncertainty, and having to watch me die over and over because this life sure as hell won’t let me go. Is that it? Because I won’t do that. I can’t do that. Not to her.”

“Looks like she’s still doing it, even without you.”

I glared at her, “It’s not been that long. She’ll get out eventually. She wasn’t born into this life, and she doesn’t have to stay in it. I should kick Sam’s ass for even calling her.” I watched as Y/N slammed the book shut and grabbed her jacket.

“Come on, Sasquatch. I think I know what you’re dealing with, although I have a suspicion you already knew. Let’s get it over with so I can get out of here before Dean gets back.” Sam frowned but followed after her and I looked back at Al.

“Now what? Do we follow them?”

She shook her head, “Nah, we’re movin’ on. Like I said, we don’t have much time. We gotta jump ahead a little bit. You said something about Y/N moving on, yea?”

“Yea, but what does that-” I was interrupted by once again being zapped somewhere else, and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like what we were about to see.

I was standing in the middle of a parking lot,  facing the front of a run down hotel, the sign flickering off and on in the darkness. It was raining, although it didn’t seem like I was actually getting wet. Al had flipped her hood up anyway and had lit a cigarette. I narrowed my eyes at her, “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” She shrugged and it took everything I had not to punch her. “Shrug one more time, Al. One more time,” I growled, my hands clenched at my sides.

She took a drag from her cigarette and gave me a tight lipped smile, “Sorry.” She nodded towards the building, “Don’t you want to see why we’re here?”

“Not really, but I guess you’re going to make me, right? So let’s get this shit over with.” I motioned in front of me, “After you, since you know where I’m supposed to be going.” Al walked past me and stopped at Room Thirteen.

“Your turn, Romeo.” I rolled my eyes and moved to open the door, but instead fell through it. The room was dark, but there was enough light coming from outside that I saw two body shaped lumps under the sheets. I watched as the one closest to the door slowly sat up and stretched. Y/N.  

“So you brought me here to show me she’s sleeping with someone else?”

“Quit bitching and keep watching.”

Y/N slipped from bed quietly and began gathering her clothes, but not before I got an eyeful of scars that hadn’t been there before. After she dressed, she sat down and pulled on her boots, carefully lacing them up, then grabbed her jacket and phone from the table. She walked towards the door, paused, went back to the night stand and dug through the wallet that was lying there and pocketed the cash she found. She gave one last look at the form still in bed, then carefully opened the door and shut it quietly behind her. Al and I walked through it, and watched as she hopped into her car and took off, throwing gravel out behind her as she sped off.

“She’s still hunting. And who was that bozo?”

“Who knows? Another hunter, some sorry jackass from the bar who was too drunk to notice all her scars? Does it really matter?”

“Of course it matters! She deserves….God, she deserves so much more than this.” I paused before I asked my next question; I wasn’t sure i wanted the answer. “Where...where am I?”

Al took another puff from her cigarette, then flicked it across the pavement, “I could show you, but there’s not much point. Let’s just say you end up where you started, only this time you don’t leave the cell.”

“What about Sam?” Sam would never leave me in there, not on my own.

“I don’t know. I’m only showing you what I was shown. Maybe Sam begrudgingly agrees to get your drunken ass out, or maybe he leaves you there because he’s tired of your bullshit. Knowing him, though, and your weird codependency, he’ll get you out. That’s not really the point here, Dean. Although I’m not surprised that’s where your brain went.”

I looked in the direction that Y/N had driven, “No, I know that wasn’t the point. She keeps hunting, and she doesn’t settle down. Her life doesn’t change just because I left her. That’s the point, right? That it doesn’t matter what any of us do, we’re all destined to do this anyway.”

“Basically.”

“You know, someone could have just told me that instead of going on this cliche little journey through time.”

Al pulled a cell phone from her pocket and ran her thumb down the screen ,”Yea, but would you have listened? I’m pretty sure time and experience have taught you otherwise.” She looked back up, “Sorry to cut this short, but I’ve got another appointment. So you understand, right? You get why we did this? Get your shit together, Winchester. Neal and I have better things to do than to keep trying to fix your fuck ups, alright? Go get the girl, already.” She snapped her fingers, and everything went black one more time.

I woke up in the Impala, sprawled out in the front seat. I sat up with a gasp and looked around, and realized that I was sitting outside out of a hotel rather than the house Sam and I had been in. “What the hell…” I mumbled, unsure of how I made it to the hotel, never mind with the car. I patted myself down, and not finding any injuries, I slowly climbed out and shut the door. I looked up and realized where I was.

Room Thirteen.

It was definitely a different hotel, but the number was the same. Although it occurred to me that it might be a bad idea to just assume, I walked up to the door anyway and raised my hand to knock. The door swung open and the person on the other side gasped.

“Hey, Y/N,” I nearly whispered, afraid if I was any louder, she’d run. She looked up at me with wide eyes and I wondered if her heart was beating as fast as mine.

“Hi,” she answered just as quietly.

“I...I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry...I just...I wanted to protect you. But you’re just going to end up still hunting while I’m locked up in some drunk tank, and I don’t want you to rob the dudes you sleep with, it’s just not what I wanted for you at all-”

“Excuse me? Who am I robbing? Who said I’m sleeping with anybody-”

“Just listen, okay? Me pushing you away is not going to protect you. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to leave this life and go back to what you had before. The moment you found out about all this stuff, there wasn’t any chance of leaving it. I just...I didn’t want to be the reason you felt trapped, okay? I don’t want to be the reason your dreams are gone.”

Y/N smiled at me, a genuine smile...one I haven’t seen in a long time. She put a hand against my cheek and tilted her head, “You’re a dumbass, Dean Winchester. You’re the reason I’m still here to even have dreams. You didn’t take my old life away, you gave me a new one.” She kissed me, and it was like the world stopped. I closed my eyes and let her warmth sink in, deep into my bones. She pulled back and she laughed as I frowned at the separation. I opened my eyes to see her staring at me, “Wherever you are...that’s where my dreams are, okay?”

“You don’t know how great it is to hear that, kid.” I paused, and she raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“How’d you know I was out here, anyway? You opened the door before I even knocked.”

She shook her head, “No idea. I thought I heard your car and when I looked nothing was there. A couple of minutes later, something made me open the door and check again...and there you were. It was the strangest thing.” She stepped back through the doorway, “Would you like to come inside?”

I nodded and gave her a grin, “Absolutely.” I stopped as I stepped over the threshold and looked over my shoulder. In the distance Neal and Al were standing next to each other, Neal swaying drunkenly and Al smoking. Neal waved, then elbowed Al, who gave a half-hearted nod, and I nodded back. They slowly disappeared into the darkness and I smiled. Merry Christmas, indeed.

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