#PERFORMANCE ANXIETYKJ JNKDJKND SHUTUP SDONFKFK WHY ARE U SO FUNNY AND POOKIE WHY DO I LOVE U SO BAD

[hvrtbroken]

WHEN THEIR EYES CONNECT , defne swears she can feel a cosmic shift between them . she swears their eyes hold for a second longer and he's looking at her differently . but maybe it's wishful thinking . maybe it's the adrenaline . maybe it's because he's literally bleeding from the head . defne gives her head one swift shake to push herself out of the thought process that has successfully led her nowhere for a few months now . however , she holds his gaze for long enough that when he exhales and winces , her hand goes to his chest , protectively . " thomas . " defne breathes his name out like it was made for her mouth . it's not a warning , it's not anything except a simple : i see you and you're not okay . you don't have to pretend with me . " yes , of course. " she reaches down easily and snatches up the medicine satchel quickly , zipping it up and hoisting it over her shoulder . she tries not to look too worried . she tries not to look at thomas again . she tries to remind herself it's ok , he's ok . HE'S ALIVE . she just needs to keep him that way .

as thomas gently crouches down beside the other bleeding man , defne exhales , eyes flicking to and from the other guy who lets out a wry chuckle as his eyes squint as thomas . ' got me good , doc . . . yet you're still out here showing us up , looking like a model even with blood all over your face . . . man . ' defne allows her lips to quirk up that , in silent agreement , but also relieved because if this man can joke right now then he's going to be ok , as well . she feels a relief sink inside of her , settle right into her bones . it isn't as loud outside , inside , or in her head anymore . she tries not to correlate this all to thomas now standing beside her . instead , defne crouches too , but stays back to now overcrowd thomas and the bleeding man . she silently hands over the items , her hands still with a tremor to them , but not nearly as bad as they were a few moments again . defne notices , though, the tightening in thomas' voice . the way his words fade towards the end of the sentence , as he gently speaks and soothes the guy , or instructs defne for something new from the kit . she tries to pretend she isn't worried , tries to focus on the task at hand , but everyone else is ok . everyone is taken care of . EVERYONE EXCEPT THOMAS . defne grabs up the bloody bandages and cleaning products and shoves them hastily back in her bag , immediately straightening up at the same time that thomas does , her hands going out to help stable him , JUST IN CASE . " come on , you model . " she teases softly , her hands go to his waist , which is ridiculous because he towers over her - but she wants him to lean against her if it helps right now , and gently navigates them to the quieter space of the library , where a few chairs are scattered and a table sits , between rows and rows of abandoned books . carefully , she lowers him down there , her breath slowing as she does , anticipating another wince or a hitch of breath that reveals hidden pain .

defne swallows thickly as she draws back to look at him . before she can stop herself, her hands gently go to his cheek , cupping it , her eyes searching his . " it's not that bad . " she's moreso telling herself than him . another shoot of panic rushes through her . SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO . defne chews on her bottom lip , eyes moving to his head , and the wound matted with blood into his hair , dripping down his face . " tell me where it hurts . " she tries to think , to collect herself , but already hesitates . " i - i should treat your head first , right ? head wounds can be the worst . and then . . then i'll . . . move to the rest of you . " a flush colours her cheeks because she never thought the first time she'd see thomas shirtless would be because he needs serious medical help and she'd be left floundering . BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS . defne swallows again , closing her eyes for a second , trying to remember how thomas would treat this . if thomas was here . . but he IS here . he's the one in front of her , when she always thought he'd be the one BESIDE her instead. her hands move away from his cheeks to the medic kit , which she unzips too quickly . a few items knock down and fall out , causing her to curse and bend over , almost knocking right into where thomas sits . SLOW DOWN , DEFNE , she tries to command herself - but the fear is coming back thrice as worse . " fuck - i - hey ! " she raises her voice . " eyes open . yeah ? on me . keep - keep them on me . " defne is pretty sure that's the important part here . " come on , doc . this is like , a teaching moment , right ? so you need to stay awake , so you can teach me . " she swipes up the items she knocked down , before moving closer to thomas again . it's an awkward angle , with him on the chair , yet still at eye level with her . defne doesn't even hesitate before going on her knees , kneeling in front of him , so she can see him better . " you're too fucking tall . " she breathes out , with a small , terrified laugh . " disinfectant ? or - or should i check your pulse ? your vitals ? your eyes ? " TELL ME WHAT TO DO , TELL ME HOW TO HELP YOU . TELL ME . TELL ME . TELL ME .

at this very moment his mind seems to be divided; two very distinct wants have his focus divided. the first one is expected of him, a doctor: his duty demands that he MAKES SURE every single person is alright, to do first aid and then urge them to go to the clinic where he can be more thorough; the possibility of missing something is nagging at him. he'd be inclined to accept this if the other option wasn't so alluring. the mere presence of it, so BLATANT in his psyche makes him feel defeated and selfish. that is all to say that his second want is more... complicated: for the whole world to disappear, no more duty, no more pain, just him and defne looking beautiful like she was with no worries at all. the reminder of his own mortality has brought to light something he's been trying for months to deny; he wants defne in a way no man of his age or standing should. he lets out a sigh and IMMEDIATELY REGRETS IT when a sharp pain shoots up his chest almost leaving him breathless. he winces ever so slightly but decides to ignore it. all his thoughts are pushed aside when he once again realizes where he is, and what he SHOULD be doing. stop getting lost in thought and help. " let's go check them out together then, yeah? " he glances at her and catches the look in her eyes, the emotion in them disarms him for a moment and he finds himself BREATHLESS in an entirely different way. " can you... carry that? i don't think i can bend down to pick it up... " he doesn't want to worry her even more, doesn't want to look so weak in front of her, but truthfully the pain around his ribs is becoming unbearable rather quickly. it's gonna take a while to heal too and he's definitely NOT looking for ward to it. " fine, alright. last guy and then i sit down, promise. " it's not like he wants to, but he does realize that he NEEDS to. the adrenaline is starting to disappear and it leaves behind all the aches that it was carefully masking. he tries to focus on not breathing too deeply, or moving too much; it proves to be DIFFICULT since he still has to walk around but he manages. thomas makes her way towards the other guy and he recognizes as someone that was out there next to him just a few moments prior. unlike him he hadn't gotten so lucky. lucas, he faintly recalls. " oh, they got you good, didn't they? " he says in an amiable tone as he slowly kneels down, letting out a soft groan, and starts to examine the guy's face. badly bruised and an eye that was already swelling shut. several cuts all over his body and a concerning gunshot wound on his thigh. " i think you got lucky, pal. seems to have missed anything important. " the discomfort he's starting to feel makes him work faster than he already did, in record time he has cleaned the deep wounds, bandaged up whatever needed to be covered and told him he needed to be at the clinic early in the morning. when he stands up, the pain shoots up again and he has to bite down a curse. " alright... " he finally relents in a soft voice, " where do you want me to sit, hm? "