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luffles424 · 4 years ago

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Sunrise

☼ Pairing: Seokjin x reader

☼ Genre: angst, fluff, smut, angst with a happy end, post breakup au, actor!seokjin, fashion designer!reader, exes to lovers

☼ Count: 9.5K

☼ Warnings: 18+, accusations of cheating, poor communication, some arguments (the relationship at the end can be seen as turning toxic as communication breaks down, so be aware if you think that may now work for you or just need to be prepared), heartbreak, non-explicit description of panic attack, moments of emotional shut down

Smut warnings: teasing, soft sex, nipple play, body worship, oral (f recieving), multiple orgasms, unprotected sex (stay safe pls!), dirty talk, exhibitionism, bratty reader, rough sex, manhandling, bruising

☼ Summary: It’s been well over 10 years since you and Seokjin broke up. You’ve been doing fine. Until one night a dream rocks you to the core and you find yourself in a place from the past. Have you really moved on?

Has he?

☼ Newly added epilogue: Moonlight

☼ a/n: This is told both in the present and past, the flashbacks are in italics! The flashbacks also aren’t in order, but I believe they’re pretty easy to follow when they would fall chronologically.

Inspired by the 2000s emo playlist I listened to as work (especially Jamie All Over by Mayday Parade) Sorry if the tags seem a little scary, I’d rather overtag than have someone get blindsided while reading. But I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think! My ask box is always open ~ 💙💙💙💙

The cool breeze washes over you, bathing you in the salty ocean air. It seems you found the perfect time to come out here. The light jacket you wore more than enough to keep you warm on such an unexpected trip. The sky is slowly being painted in pinks and purples and oranges as the sun slowly starts to sink into the horizon, small wisps of fluffy, white clouds occasionally obscuring the sunlight. You’ve always loved seeing the sunset out here. The colors reflecting off the ocean and leaving everchanging patterns before you. You’ve based plenty of designs on sunsets.

The dress you wore to your first fashion week is still your favorite. The penultimate meeting of sunset and night sky. The outside was ombre layers of soft chiffon, shades of oranges and pinks and small bands of light purples. It pooled around your feet, you liked to think it made it seem like you had risen from the waters of a sunset reflection. The halter bodice wrapped around your neck in a shimmery, golden band. Hanging from the choker were thin golden chains, draped and connected to a golden belt at your waist.

For all appearances, it appeared like just a sunset colored dress. But when you walked, or pulled the fabric apart at the slit in the front, it revealed a glittering deep purple fabric, speckled like a swirling galaxy. It had been the ultimate combination of the theme of yours and Hoseok’s collection, sun and moon. The dress still hangs in your closet, one of the few extravagant pieces you’ve held on too. You want to wear it again, you just have to find an occasion to do so. The dress deserves it.

The scene before you specifically was what inspired it. Maybe not this spot specifically. There were a lot of memories tied to this spot that you tried not to think about typically. But you’ve always loved visiting the beach. Or lakes. Anywhere you could go and watch the sun sink into the water. Watch an uninterrupted sky blend colorfully with the water.

You can’t believe you’re back here though. It’s been easily more than 10 years since the last time you were at this beach, which is a drastic change from back then from when you came here all the time. Taking a seat on the bench beside you, you smile, a little sadly, as your fingers trace over the heart carved into the wood, weathered from years in the elements and use. But the letters are still clear enough and you skip over your initials, letting your fingertips trace the ‘ksj’ as you think on when they were put there.

The smile on his face is bright, as bright as the glint of sunlight off the small pocket knife in his hand.

Your combined giggles fill the fresh spring air, the beach fairly deserted since you skipped your last two periods of school to come here. You hadn’t put up much of a fight when he made the suggestion during lunch. Your grades are good enough and it’s the last weeks of high school, you can miss a few class periods to have some fun, to spend some time together before university. Just in case you don’t get into the same one.

The scratch of the blade against the wood is softer than you expect, a gentle scratch, scratch, scratch as he meticulously and carefully carves your names into the wood. His tongue pokes out from between his lips and you fight the urge to coo at how cute he is. Doubling down on keeping quiet when you know doing so would also result in him being overly macho to prove he wasn’t cute. Not because he doesn’t believe he’s cute or anything, but he knows how much the faux display makes you laugh. You don’t want to interrupt his work when this seems so important to him.

Finally he looks up from his work, proudly gesturing to the carving on the bench.

“That’s so cheesy.”

With an exaggerated pout, he gives you the saddest eyes he can muster. “I worked so hard on this for you. As a testament to our love!”

You lean forward, pressing a kiss to his jutted lower lip. “Well, I didn’t know it was so serious. My apologies.”

A few more kisses and he’d promptly forgiven you and the two of you had spent the rest of the afternoon at the beach, taking blurry pictures on your flip phones. You’re positive that a printed version of one of those photos still lives in a box somewhere, where you didn’t have the heart to throw it away and so it’s stayed in a box of memories that moves with you but you never really look through.

You’re so tired when you finally get home. It doesn’t even feel like home anymore. You’ve spent more time either in the studio or with Jimin or Hoseok or at work than you have here. And you know from the times that you are here that Seokjin is gone just as often as you. It doesn’t even feel like you’re in a relationship anymore. It hurts to think about that.

So you’d thought summer would be the perfect time for the two of you to rekindle your relationship. Fix whatever problems you were having, free from the stress of finals. But with senior year quickly approaching, everything seems to have just gotten worse. You can never seem to catch Seokjin to start the process of fixing anything.

To your surprise, when you open the door you find Seokjin sitting on the bed, face pinched as he stares at something on his phone. Maybe this will finally be the opportunity to talk and start fixing things. You miss him, body cold and numb the nights you fall asleep here alone, always waiting and waking up disappointed.

Before you can say anything, his head lifts and the cold glare he sends you stops you in your tracks. What could possibly have happened to make him give you that look? You know the two of you have been having some problems, but nothing that would warrant that look.

“Where the hell were you?” His tone is as icy as his eyes.

You frown, gesturing vaguely towards the fridge. “Work. I put my schedule up so you knew.” He didn’t have the same courtesy. You never knew when he was working. Or what else he was doing when he was out. You had put yours up in hopes that he would do the same and maybe you would be able to find time to be together. Though you’re not sure he even bothered to go near the fridge. The few times you’ve made dinner for him and left the leftovers in the fridge with a note went untouched.

He sneers and holds his phone out towards you. You have to step closer to get a good look at the image he has pulled up. It’s from just a few hours ago. You and Jimin sat at one of the cafe tables and laughing. It had been your break and Jimin came in to keep you company. Had Seokjin come by the cafe? Why hadn’t he come in? If he’d been there when this was taken, you were on break, you could’ve spent it together.

“Then what’s this? Certainly doesn’t look like work to me.”

Your mind blanks. Is he seriously accusing you of lying right now? Indignation rises, acid burning in your throat. “What are you saying? If you were there why didn’t you come in? I would have loved to see you.”

“I wasn’t there. A friend sent this. And I’m saying that you’re never around. And I keep getting people telling me they see you out with him all the time. I haven’t seen you in weeks. But it seems like he sees you every day.”

He can’t seriously be accusing you of cheating right now. This seriously can’t be happening right now. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the accusation. It hurts that he’d honestly think you’d do that. Then the ugly thoughts come. What’s that saying, those who are most guilty are the quickest to throw blame at others?

“First of all,” you grit out, trying your best to keep your tone even. You can feel the rage churning in your belly. “I was on break when that was taken. Jimin came to visit because he knew someone wasn’t going to.” Seokjin’s mouth opens to speak but you continue, voice raising. He is not going to get to cut you off now. “It’s awfully fucking rich for you to accuse me when you have no evidence. You’re never even around. You know what they say, it’s never the one being blamed but the one doing the blaming.”

He scoffs and stands. In his anger, he seems to tower over you. But you’re too angry and indignant yourself for it to feel intimidating. You stare him down.

“You’re really going to accuse me now?”

“It’s the same thing you’re doing! I was hoping to fucking talk when I saw you were home. I was so happy to see you here. We haven’t been home together in so long. I-”

“We haven’t been home together because you’re always out with Jimin.”

“No I haven’t been fucking home because you’re never home and it fucking hurts to be in this shitty apartment without the person who’s supposed to be here with me. Do you know how fucking lonely it is waiting around here for a person who never shows up?”

Turning away from you, he takes a few deep breaths.

You deflate slightly. You could still fix this. “Seokjin-”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t want to hear any more excuses.”

He moves towards the door and you panic. This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You wanted to fix things. To make them better. Everything has spiraled and you can’t let him slip through your fingers. You reach for his wrist.

“Seokjin, wait-”

He wretches his hand free and glances at you over his shoulder with so much contempt that you feel your heart in your throat. “No. I’m done.”

This can’t be it. This really can’t be it. He sees you about to speak again and turns and leaves before you can get a word out and it feels like the rug has been ripped out from beneath you. The silence deafening in his absence.

You don’t know how long you stand there for. You feel completely numb. Like this is just a bad dream and you’ll wake up soon and Seokjin will be next to you and you’ll tell him about this and he’ll laugh and comfort you and tell you that would never happen. You expect tears, but they never come. Everything feels so surreal.

The man you had planned to spend the rest of your life with just walked out on you after accusing you of cheating. 5 years and he really thought that was something you would do. Do you wait around? Hope he comes back for you both to talk with calmer minds.

You settle for a text.

You: Can we talk once we’ve both calmed down?

It’s less than a second later and the response makes your heart sink. Blocked.

He really blocked you already. He’s not even going to try? You sink onto the bed. What are you supposed to do now?

At some point, mechanically, you text Jimin, asking if he could come over and bring some boxes. Looking around, you’re at least grateful that your place was small because it means you don’t have that much to try to move. Jimin arrives, faster than you expected. Or maybe you’ve just become that disconnected from the passage of time.

He drops the boxes and comes up to you, hands fretting over you like there’s some physical injury he can attend to. Unless he knows how to mend a broken heart, his fretting is useless. Instead you move on autopilot, taking the boxes Jimin brought and packing your meager possessions into them. Jimin stands by the kitchen, looking sad and lost, unable to help because you have yet to say a word. He knows what happened though. It’s not hard to figure out. You’re thankful that he doesn’t try to get you to talk. Just lets you move and do what you need. Waits for you to ask should you need help.

You’re almost finished packing when you pull the shoebox from under the bed and you suddenly feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. Flipping the lid open reveals hundreds of photos. Of friends. Of family. Of trips. Of Seokjin. The top pictures pull your attention. Two copies of the same photo. A blurry snapshot of you two grinning on the beach. You both look so young and happy. You wish you could go back to that. Everything was so simple back then.

He must have put his copy in with yours. Because why would they need to be kept in different places when the two of you would never be apart. You almost want to laugh. You mostly want to cry. You stand with the box, debate for all of two seconds before you set his copy down on the bed. He can decide what to do with his own copy. That’s not for you to decide. Not anymore.

Tucking the shoebox into the last of the moving boxes, you cast one last look around the apartment. The holes where your things were hurt to see. The physical evidence that this part of your life is over. Carefully extracted from a life that had been so delicately intertwined. You wonder if the gaps will even bother Seokjin. If he’ll even bother staying here, if he’ll move onto something bigger and better. Without you. Swallowing, you turn to Jimin before those thoughts can spiral. Not here. Not yet. Once you’re somewhere else and alone. Then it can all come out.

“Ready?”

You give a small nod and Jimin helps take your things downstairs. He does most of the work while you wait on the sidewalk. He calls a taxi, loads your things into, gives the driver his address.

As it pulls away from the curb, you can’t help but to watch the apartment shrink into the distance. Feeling like you left your heart behind. You wonder if you’ll ever get it back.

Your phone dings with a notification, dragging you out of the sad memories. You give yourself a small shake. You hadn’t thought about that day in years, pushing it to the back of your mind. You had learned later on that some girls had told Seokjin lies about you to get the two of you to break up in a bid for his attention. It had backfired spectacularly because you found out through Hoseok after he overheard Seokjin yelling at the girl who asked him out less than a week after the break up. He never came to talk to you after the truth came out though. You never let yourself think too hard about why that might be. You’d already spent too many nights feeling numb and broken. You poured yourself into your work. Your friends. You had been content for your senior year. It didn’t go how you were expecting, but it was still good.

You smile at the device in your hand. It’s far more advanced than your old flip phones had been, even your college phone had been fairly low tech, the downsides of living on a budget. High school you would have killed for a camera this good back then. That blurry picture of you and Seokjin would’ve been much more clear if you’d had something like this back then. You swipe the notification away, just an email from your assistant about your schedule for tomorrow and what had been shifted around from today. But all that can wait until later, probably when you’re back home. The notification draws your attention to a text from Hoseok that you hadn’t seen though. He must have messaged while you were walking so you didn’t feel your phone go off.

Hobihobi: Are you ok?

You smile at his concern. And honestly the fact that he even noticed you dipped out of the studio early. You had thought that he had been too busy on his own upcoming project to notice. It’s a pretty big deal for your label and he’s been working so hard to get this project. You’re just glad you have the perk of being boss to be able to dip when you need to. Although technically, you and Hoseok own your label, Daydream Designs, together.

Texting him a quick reassurance, you pocket the device again, content to just enjoy the sunset out here alone. There’s a few people scattered around the beach. A few families beginning to pack up for the evening, a person running with their dog, a couple walking along the shoreline.

You have such fond memories of this beach. For all the bad memories you have of the relationship, mostly from the end of it, at least the beach remains untainted.

Nervously clutching the letter in your hand, your leg bounces as you wait for Seokjin to arrive. He’d texted you earlier that he’d gotten a letter from SNU. You’d rushed home to see you had a letter waiting as well. You were thankful that they had come on the same day. You can’t imagine how much more anxiety you’d have if you’d had to wait longer for one of your letters to arrive.

You glance at the white envelope, the edges are beginning to wrinkle from your grip, but you can’t get your fingers to relax. Checking your phone again, you wonder where Seokjin is. He should be here soon. The beach is crowded today. The weather finally nice enough and the water clear and warm. It was a miracle that you’d managed to get your bench when you’d arrived. But someone had just been leaving when you’d gotten here and you’d quickly jogged over to take it before someone else could snatch it. It seemed like the perfect place to see what your future held.

Seokjin appears suddenly, panting like he ran the whole way here. Which, given the sweat making his bangs stick to his forehead, is a good possibility. He still looks handsome, more so when he sends you a brilliant grin.

“You got our bench!”

Returning his smile, you send him a wink. “I had to fight an old lady for it.”

He presses a quick kiss to your lips as he sits down, brandishing his letter. “How do you want to do this?”

Chewing your lip, you think it over. “I don’t think I can open it.”

His eyes soften and he takes your hand. He can read you so well. “No matter what happens, we’ll always have each other.” He gives your hand a squeeze. “How about we open each other’s?”

Reluctantly, you nod. Would it really be better to see that he got in while still not knowing if you got in too? Swapping letters, you stare down at his name spelled out in ink. You know he got in. There’s no way he didn’t. Seokjin nudges you and you look up.

“Count of three?” You nod. “Okay… 3…”

“2…”

“1…”

Seokjin is a little faster in tearing open the envelope than you are but you keep your gaze firmly downcast, watching as your fingers tear open the paper with meticulous care. You skim his letter quickly.

Congratulations.

He got in. Joy swells in you and you look up with a grin, momentarily forgetting your own letter. Your smile quickly falters though when you see the flat look on Seokjin’s face as he stares down at your letter and your heart sinks.

Tugging his hand to get his attention, you give him a sad smile. “Hey, it’s okay. You said-”

“You got in.”

You blink. His words swirling around your head but not fully registering. “What?”

He envelops you in a massive hug, laughing with joy. “You got in! Baby, you did it!”

You still feel a little dumbfounded, but you’re quickly filling with excitement. “You too! Jinnie, you got in too!”

He pulls back and presses a long kiss to your lips. His eyes look suspiciously wet, but you decide not to comment. You’re positive that your’s are probably a little wet too. “The next four years are going to be amazing.”

He had been so optimistic back then. You could use some of that optimism now.

You hadn’t originally planned on cutting out of work early, especially not to come here of all places. There were some designs that you needed to work on, a few ideas that you had that you wanted to get sketched up to show to Hoseok. But when you’d been walking through the common area during lunch, you’d overheard a couple of people gathered around a computer gushing about the Kim Seokjin wearing one of Hoseok’s designs.

It’s definitely not the first time. Hoseok knew Seokjin in university when you knew him too, although you were always closer to him since you shared a lot of classes, and obviously a shared love of fashion. But the two were friendly and remained so afterward, but on a more acquaintanceship basis. The break up clearly divided some friendships, though you hated that it happened. You didn’t want anyone to feel like they had to stop being friends with either of you just because you two were no longer dating.

You know it’s not the first time Hoseok has designed something for Seokjin. And normally, him wearing one of Hoseok’s designs wouldn’t bother you too much. Both because it’s good for Hoseok because Hoseok is a genius and deserves it, but because it’s also really good for your label in general in terms of good press. Though you know Hoseok sometimes slips your designs into things that get sent to him. You saw one of your jackets ended up at an award show.

Idle chatter about Seokjin around the office isn’t that new. You suppose that’s one of the downsides to being in an industry that is very closely tied to idols and actors and actresses. It’s not an uncommon occurrence to hear them gossip about him, he’s one of the most popular drama actors currently and everyone loves to gush about how handsome and funny he is. They find it odd that you’ll talk about anyone with them except him. They leave it be much easier now, but in the beginning they still tried to include you.

You’ve even dealt easily with the dating rumors. All the pretty actresses he’s supposedly dating. And why wouldn’t he? He’s gorgeous and talented and so, so kind. Any woman would be lucky to have him. You’ve been on the receiving end of his love. You know how easy it is to fall.

If your coworkers knew that you’d dated him in the past, they would think you were crazy to let him go. And maybe be a little jealous and probably pepper you with questions about him. You definitely are thankful they don’t know because the way some of them gossip about their own sex lives, they’d beg for details about a celebrity’s from first hand experience.

Excitement fills you as you sit in the airport. It’s finally summer. Your first year of college is behind you and you now get to spend two whole weeks with Seokjin in Jeju. Well Seokjin and his family. But they were kind enough to let the two of you have your own little place on the island. Well it was more of just the guest house to the main house they, along with Seokjin’s brother, would be staying at.

This will likely be the only big summer trip you both take during college. Seokjin had originally planned to not go. More content to work all summer and save up money so the two of you could get an apartment off campus. His parents had offered to pay for a place, but Seokjin was adamant that the two of you wanted to do this for yourselves.

You’d try to hide your disappointment about not going, but he knows you far too well and caved quickly to saying one trip wouldn’t hurt his independence. So now here you were, ready to fly out to Jeju. You haven’t been since you were little and you were excited that you got to go back and this time with Seokjin.

The flight is quick and uneventful and Seokjin gets a taxi to take you to the beach house, his parents having arrived a few days prior.

The main house is beautiful, but you’re more excited to see where you’ll be staying. The outside of the guest house looks like a miniature version of the main one. Inside, it’s spacious, all one room with an attached bathroom. The bed is separated from the living area by an ornate partition painted with a starry nightscape. The moon is painted in such gorgeous detail that you’re tempted to tell Seokjin you want to steal the partition when you leave.

The living area is simple, a plush sofa and matching chair set facing a wall mounted TV. A small, well-stocked minibar is pressed against one wall. Around the partition and into the sleeping area is a large bed facing a set of french doors that open out onto a small deck that leads right down to the beach in two steps.

Flopping onto the bed with a giddy giggle, you watch as Seokjin sets his bag down and gives you a fond smile.

“Enjoying yourself?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

You squirm back slightly, coy smile stretching your lips. “I don’t know. The bed seems kind of empty.”

He chuckles, sitting on the bed and tugging you into his lap. “Better?”

Humming, you press a kiss to his lips. “Much.”

When you go to pull away, he follows, capturing your lips in another, deeper kiss. “We don’t… have… a lot of time…” he murmurs between kisses.

You give a vague affirmative, only half listening to his words in favor of pressing him back into the mattress. His parents can wait, you have some important business first.

The night air is cool, the french doors left open, gauzy curtains shifting in the gentle breeze. Shifting onto his side, Seokjin presses a gentle kiss to your shoulder, soft and unhurried. It’s only been a couple of days since you’ve been here. But it’s been utter bliss, especially after the exhaustion from finals.

You nudge the sheet lower down your bodies and press closer to him. Tonight seems like the perfect time for something soft and unhurried. A perfect time to really connect again. No hurrying because of classes, or roommates, or meetings. No papers to worry about.

Just you and Seokjin. In a plush bed with a cool, ocean breeze enveloping you. If you peek through the curtains, you can just make out the shape of the moon, the illumination making Seokjin glow before you.

He’s already bared to you. Both of you showering off the ocean water from an evening dip and simply crawling into bed together afterwards. The TV is off, the only sounds filling the room is the rustle of the sheets as you move and the lapping of the waves on the shore. You dare not speak and break the peaceful atmosphere and Seokjin seems to be on the same wavelength.

Neither of you need to speak to know how to move around each other here. He cups your face, such a gentle caress, like you’re the most fragile and beautiful thing he’s ever held. It makes you feel cherished. He leans closer and time seems to slow down with the press of his plush lips to yours. He takes his time kissing you, so slowly like you have the rest of eternity for just this moment.

Pushing you onto your back, Seokjin cages you in, enveloping you in the safe blanket of his embrace. His scent is overwhelming like this, you could drown in it. His hips press into yours, cock not fully hard yet, but that doesn’t matter. This is about taking your time with each other. You wrap your arms around his shoulders, hands sliding from his neck up into his hair.

The strands are a little dried out, a combination of the salty ocean water and the fresh bleaching it got. His parents hated it at first, but he defended it as just college experimentation. It’s supposed to be a time of discovery and why not try different hair colors. He’s unfairly attractive with the bleach blonde, just as handsome as his natural brunette. You know he plans to dye it another color. But he’s yet to tell you what it’ll be.

You give his hair a light tug, relishing the sigh he releases against your lips.

“Tell me what you want.”

“Just you.”

“You always have me.”

Seokjin nudges your thighs apart as he kisses across your jaw and down your neck. Trailing across your collarbones, he leaves a line nips down to your sternum. His hands slide up your sides till they meet your breasts, fingers cupping the soft flesh as he peppers kisses across the expanse of your chest. He traces one nipple with his tongue, teasing the bud to stiffness with each swipe. He moves on to the other one, changing it up and using his teeth this time. The air fills with your soft moans, blending with the waves outside.

Moving lower, Seokjin kisses your belly, taking his time to touch every little mark across your skin. Pleasure simmers in your belly, every nerve burns like a live wire. Over all that, you feel loved. Absolutely worshiped as Seokjin presses a kiss to your mound with such reverence that you think he might convert right here and now.

Seokjin eats you out just as slowly and thoroughly as he kissed you. He savors you with each swipe of his tongue, every suck, every twist of his fingers. Seokjin plays your pleasure like a fine-tuned instrument, drawing you ever so slowly to the edge. Your fingers thread through his hair once more, not to be demanding, but for the sake of feeling grounded. His tongue laps at you like you’re a ten course meal and he wants to savor every single morsel. When you chance a glance down at him, his eyes are closed, handsome face, what you can see of it at least, smoothed out in utter bliss.

When you finally cum, it feels like sinking into pure euphoria. Seokjin drags it out for so long and so gently that you cum a second time. Though you’re so lost in sensation that maybe it’s still the first orgasm.

Pushing himself to his knees, his face glistens with your slick and you feel bereft with the distance suddenly between you. You reach out for him and he falls right into you, lips crashing against yours as his cock presses against your pussy. But you need more than that and you squirm, drawing a chuckle from deep in his chest.

“Impatient…” he murmurs.

But despite his teasing, he shifts until the tip of his cock catches your hole and he slides in with languid push. You sigh his name and he answers with a nod, lips brushing your neck as he pulls back and starts a slow, almost lazy, rhythm. You cling to him, nearly delirious with pleasure.

Nudging Seokjin, you pull him in for a kiss of your own. “I love you.”

He groans into your mouth. “Fuck… I love you too. So much.”

You lose track of time, your pace unhurried. Seokjin cums at some point and the two of you lay facing each other and exchanging soft kisses until you drift off to sleep.

You whine as Seokjin slips his cock into you. He’s been teasing you all day on the beach. At one point while you were in the water with him, his fingers slipped beneath your suit to tease along your pussy. You’d nearly screamed at the sudden sensation, but Seokjin had merely laughed and floated out of your reach, sending you a wink as he licked his finger. The second you returned to your room from dinner he was on you. This is so different from the other night. Somewhere in between the rushed couplings in the dorms and the slow, soft sex from then. It feels just as good, a little rough, fun, light. Perfect.

Seokjin grins cockily above you. “I barely did anything and you’re so wet for me, baby.”

Huffing, you try to kick at him, but he easily pins your leg down. He tuts and delivers a thrust that jostles you up the bed and draws a gasp from you. He looks entirely too pleased with himself.

Before you can formulate any other sort of retaliation, the sound of voices catches your attention. Glancing to the side shows that neither of you shut the french doors. The voices don’t sound close, but they are near enough for you to hear. It’s not too strange, the beach is there for anyone. But it’s the first night that anyone has been out there, at least close enough for you to be able to hear from your bed. Music soon follows the voices. A party.

Unbidden, the thought of someone breaking away from the party, coming down the beach this way and passing by the open doors has you clenching around Seokjin. He gasps at the sudden tightness, blinking down at where you’re connected. Licking his lips, he follows your gaze and a moment later, you see realization cross his features.

His resulting grin is downright dangerous. “What’s got you going, baby? Hm?”

Swallowing, you turn back to him, blocking out the voices. You will not give him the satisfaction. “Nothing.”

Fingers digging into your hips, Seokjin glances towards the doors again. He gives a harsh thrust that pulls a startle moan from you. “Nothing, huh? I don’t think that’s true.” He turns back to you and there’s a dark look in his eyes. “I think that you want someone to walk by and see us. That the idea of being caught is exciting.”

You scoff, deliberately turning your face away from the doors. “I’m actually bored and thinking about what we’re doing tomorrow.”

Seokjin blinks at you for a moment before chuckling darkly. “Is that right?” You nod. “Oh, we’ll see about that.”

It sounds like a threat and a challenge. And you’re never one to back down from a challenge. “Well in the morning, we’re meeting your parents for brunch…”

Seokjin’s tongue presses against his cheek as he slams his cock into you. It would force you up the bed if not for his bruising grip on your hips keeping you firmly pinned in place, forced to take the full brunt of his cock spliting you open.

But you’re just as stubborn as him. “Then we’re going… to the spa… oh my g-god… you… you made… p-plans for lunch…”

Every few words you stutter out are punctuated by another harsh thrust. Your legs are pushed towards your chest and his next thrust has his cock rubbing along your g-spot and for a second, your mind blanks on what’s happening, pleasure so sudden and searing that you forget everything but the full feel of Seokjin’s cock inside you. He starts to grin then, victoriously, and that pulls you out of it just enough to continue, gritting your teeth as he continues to fuck you.

“Said you had… a surprise… then we were going to… oh, fuck… gonna go to t-town… buy some… gifts… Seokjin, please…”

He grins. “Gonna admit what you were thinking about?”

One hand leaves your legs, thumb brushing your clit and your resolve crumbles with your rising desire to cum.

“Fuck… yes! I want someone to walk by. See you fucking me, making me cum, making me feel good… Seokjin, please…” you whine out.

“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

His rough thrusts pick up again. This time accompanied by the rhythmic movements on his fingers on your clit. Your orgasm builds quickly and leaves you breathless as Seokjin forces you over the edge. You cry out, heedless of the volume of your voice. If anything, the thought of someone hearing how Seokjin makes you feel makes you shudder with pleasure.

Seokjin groans, hands dropping to the bed as he chases his own orgasm, smothering his moan of your name against your shoulder.

When he’s caught his breath, he raises his head, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “So… exhibitionism, huh?”

The stories you had are probably worth a lot. Which is why you keep them to yourself. No one but you and Seokjin need to know those details. Especially not some of the more nosy people you work with. Hoseok thankfully played along with only knowing him on a professional level and not that you all went to university together.

It’s typically pretty easy to just ignore the chatter when it comes up about him. But a couple days ago, you had a dream about him. One that after you woke up, you couldn’t recall almost anything about it. Except his face and the heavy feeling in your heart. His smile was burned into your mind and has left you feeling off since then. The mention of him today combined with the weird feeling brought back a whole slew of memories and things you had thought you’d long since moved past. To the point that you made the decision to leave work to work early because you were so confused. Why you were suddenly feeling like this about someone who you thought you’ve been over for more than 10 years.

You never thought you’d be here back in university. Together with Seokjin. You both had thought you’d be together forever, whispered together about getting married, about the future. The things you’d do and the places you’d go to.

The arm around your bare waist tightens, a firm chest pressing into your back.

“What’re you thinking about, baby?” Seokjin murmurs into the skin of your shoulder.

You chew your lip nervously before shifting in his grip so that you’re now facing each other. You’ve been thinking about a lot of things as freshman year draws to a close. All of them lead back to Seokjin.

The afternoon sunlight peeks in through the curtains, casting golden light across him and the dormroom. It’s an odd time to be in bed together, but it’s one of the only moments that you both have free and there’s no dormmates around to bother or have to kick out. Though you know Yoongi, Seokjin’s roommate and faux reluctant friend, would give you both the space if you asked. You don’t want to be the person that kicks him out constantly, so for now, you both are content to steal some free moments during the day when Yoongi has classes. Maybe next year you can think about getting a little place off campus together. A place both for you guys and maybe for your friends to visit and hang out at.

You think Seokjin looks the most beautiful under the afternoon light regardless. Seokjin pecks your nose, drawing your attention back to him and his question that remains unanswered. You feel a little nervous bringing up what you were thinking about. But the two of you have been together for almost 3 years. You should be able to bring it up to him.

Swallowing your slight nerves, you finally speak. “Was just… thinking about the future…”

His answering smile is warm and gentle and you feel like the world could crumble around you and you would be safe here in his arms. “I hope I’m there.”

Giggling, you press a kiss to his lips. “Of course. I can’t imagine a future without such a handsome man on my arm while I attend extravagant parties and get all the jealous stares to be dating someone so much younger than me.”

Gasping with as much drama as you expect from him, Seokjin falls onto his back, hands clutched over his chest. “I can’t believe this! The truth has finally come out! You’re only with me for my youthful looks!”

Fond smile growing, you settle your hand over his as he continues a dramatic monologue about the ultimate betrayal. You wish he would listen to you about changing his major. You know he’d love being an acting major much more than he currently is in his business major classes. A major he’s in only to appease his family.

Finally tired of his dramatics, you lean up and press a kiss to his lips, effectively silencing him. “I love you,” you murmur against his lips.

You wonder when he changed his degree. Or if he ever did. You know plenty of people who go into acting without the degree and Seokjin certainly had the inherent talent to do it. It would be easy to verify if you just looked him up. Someone who’s so in the spotlight now would certainly have his degree information online. But you don’t want to do that. You wonder how invasive that must be. Although you and Hoseok are beginning to get that popular too, you wonder if those sorts of things will begin to happen to you. You can’t imagine you’d be very interesting to follow around.

Truthfully, you don’t know what would be worse in regards to the fate of Seokjin’s degree. If he had done what you had told him all along and changed his major after you two broke up, or if he had decided to follow his dreams even if he didn’t have the degree for it. It’s undeniable that it hurts either way. The first time you’d seen him in a trailer had sent you spiraling in a way that you hadn’t since the breakup.

There’s a pounding at the door, but you can’t find it in yourself to get off the couch. The TV is still on the channel it had been on last night and you’re still sat in the same place as then. Honestly, you only know that it’s at least morning because there’s light streaming in through the windows and when you had seen the trailer it had definitely been evening.

You had been watching some show, whatever you landed on first that seemed at least mildly entertaining, while eating dinner. A quick break from the sketches that are scattered across your coffee table. Sketches that could lead to your first big contract.

But your peaceful and exciting night of work had been interrupted when you’d seen a preview for a new drama. A new drama with Kim Seokjin. It had been crushing to see. You had been telling him to do that for so long. To the point that it became one of the contributing factors in your seemingly inevitable breakup.

It seems then that the problem was never with whether or not he would follow his dreams after graduation. It was just if you would be there with him. You cried when you saw it, a vice of bitterness around your heart that while you don’t get to celebrate with him, you’re so happy that he’s doing what he loves. You’re fairly certain you stopped sometime around midnight, though the night was a little hazy as your thoughts circled around one thing. How he hadn’t wanted you there with him.

The banging at your door stops at some point, though you don’t know how long they kept it up for. And then your door is suddenly being shoved open, banging against the wall and there’s two sets of footsteps moving quickly into the apartment. You hear a muffled ‘fuck’ and then you’re being enveloped in a hug.

It takes only a moment for you to realize who it is, the orange-y scent of Jimin’s favorite cologne washing over you. Your breath stutters then, it hurts to breathe so you bury your face in his chest and his arms tighten around you. He murmurs comforting words and someone else sits behind you, hand gently rubbing your back.

Eventually, you calm down and you pull away to give Jimin a weak smile, one that you direct to Hoseok as well when you see him behind you. Jimin returns with a pained smile of his own.

“You saw, huh?” You nod and Jimin sighs. “I had hoped that you wouldn’t see it last night. It’s what I was planning to tell you at dinner tonight. So you could be prepared for it. I’m so sorry I waited to tell you.”

You shake your head quickly. “No, you have nothing to apologize for.” You rub your neck. “I… I didn’t think I would react quite like this… It’s been 3 years. You worked so hard to help me out of that dark place-”

Jimin puts a hand over your mouth, cutting you off. “No, you worked hard to get yourself out of that dark place. I was just there to hold your hand. It was a tough breakup. It’s understandable if there’s occasionally things that bring that heartache back up.”

You nod slowly, not fully believing his assertion that he just held your hand post break up. You probably would’ve dropped out of university after the breakup if you hadn’t met Jimin. You look between him and Jimin. “H-how did you know to come?”

Hoseok gives a sheepish grin. “You didn’t show up to work and I got worried. I texted Jimin on my way here and he seemed to know exactly what had happened.”

“Now that we’re here. How about I go get all of us some junk food and you two find something trashy for us to binge?”

After that, it got much easier to see him on your screen. Or on screens in the train stations. Or plastered on ads and billboards.

It helped you actually, to finally, truly move on from him. A sort of immersion therapy to numb you to his face. You didn’t need him to be happy. You loved your budding design business with Hoseok, clubbing with Jimin, dating both casually and more seriously. It all got easier with time and you’re grateful for the friends that you have. Your friends have always been there for you, even back then.

Your first birthday after the breakup was rough. Seokjin always planned something elaborate and thoughtful. There would be none of that this year. You went to work in the morning, gave your coworkers a fake smile as they wished you a happy birthday with a cupcake in the breakroom before you opened the cafe. It was sweet of them to do, but the breakup was still far too recent for you to truly enjoy anything like this.

Jimin had night classes so you would have the evening alone. You at least had your own room now instead of sleeping on Jimin’s couch in his old apartment. You had protested his plan to move to a two bedroom apartment for you both to share so you could have your own space. You knew on your meager wages you’d never be able to help with rent at such a large place. You and Seokjin had barely been able to afford your studio together.

But Jimin insisted. He had more than enough to cover rent and you could just save your money. Or buy groceries and cook. He hated cooking, could do it just fine but was too impatient for it. It seemed like incredibly inadequate compensation for him giving you a place to live, but he just smiled and said that’s what friends do for each other. You had cried and he teased you afterward and then made you buy him ice cream. But you agreed to moving and letting him help.

And it was nice to have your own room. It was great to live with Jimin. He was the sweetest and seemed to always know exactly what you needed. Hoseok visited often too, though you don’t know if he was coming to see you or Jimin more some days, and the three of you worked hard to get through your last year of university. Together.

But with Jimin in classes tonight, the apartment would be empty. You didn’t really feel like cooking either. So you’d probably just have some ramen. If you could even be bothered to eat to begin with. You freeze when you get to your floor, brows knit in confusion when you see a beautiful bouquet of red and yellow lilies, interspersed with sheep sorrels. The vase is a glossy deep blue, splashes of purples and pinks and speckles of white paint of soft starry night.

You wonder who they’re for. They must have been left at the wrong door. You carefully look through the petals for a card, finding the glossy little square quickly. Tears gather in your eyes when you see the little cartoon cat head sketched into the blank area of the card. It’s a little cruder than you’re used to seeing, the ear slightly misshapen, the cheeks a little too chunky, the lines a little unsure.

But it’s unmistakably Yoongi’s cat doodle. Meaning he must have dropped these off for you, even though you and Seokjin have broken up. And you’re not even sure if he knew where your new place was. You’d have to thank him soon for them. It makes the day a little less rough to have something so pretty. To know someone was thinking of you.

You never did get the chance to thank him properly for the gift. At least directly. You’d taken him a coffee, a few days later, as thanks. He’d looked a little confused but never questioned or made you say anything out loud. Which you’re grateful for. Just because you and Seokjin split up, didn’t mean you and Yoongi couldn’t still be on friendly terms. Though you haven’t properly talked to him in quite a while. Maybe you should ask him to meet up soon. See how he’s been doing.

But even with all the progress you’ve made and all that your friends have done for you, you still have the occasional bad day. Looking back on it, it had been years since you had one that affected you enough that you had to take off work specifically in regards to Seokjin. You’re really not sure what made it seem like the beach, this beach was the best place to go. But there was just something that called you here.

For as painful as the breakup was, Seokjin was your first love. He was amazing while you were together. Always loving and supportive. Even when things started to fall apart.

With a groan, you push the apartment door open, giving a harder shove when it gets jammed. Like it always does and your landlord refuses to do a thing about it. The lights are off when you finally get the door shut and your heart sinks. Seokjin was supposed to be home. You haven’t seen him for more than a few minutes in the last week. This was going to finally be the night you spent together. Throwing your bag down, you flick the lights on, seeing the cramped studio apartment is indeed empty. You pull your phone out, seeing if maybe he just ran out for something or if he was running late, but there’s nothing.

You try not to let your disappointment consume you and instead grab your sketchbook from the shelf and decide to get some sketches done while you wait, hoping, probably vainly, that Seokjin will be back soon.

You jerk awake to the sound of the door slamming and when you blink blearily at the clock, it’s nearly midnight. You turn to watch as Seokjin kicks his shoes off, weariness written in his posture.

“Hey,” you croak and Seokjin gives no indication that he heard you. “Where were you?”

Seokjin straightens and sighs before turning to you. There’s a dead look in his eye that you’ve never seen before, let alone had directed at you. “Out.”

For all that you had been sad or worried, anger and confusion surges through you at his complete disregard. “Out? You could’ve texted. We were supposed to have a night in together.”

His jaw tightens and he drops his bag beside yours before moving towards the bathroom, the only place in this shithole with a door. “I had to study.”

And before you can say anything else, the bathroom door is slammed shut behind him. You stare at it incredulously. He can’t be serious. You’re just as stressed as he is. Finals are creeping in and along with that is planning for senior year. At the rate you’re going, summer is going to be unbearable.

You sigh, shaking the memories away. You don’t want to dwell on the bad anymore. Even if the breakup was crushing, the good times were amazing. With the sun finally below the horizon, the moon takes its place, casting cool white light across the beach. And with it, comes the peace of being alone. You let the sound of the waves lull your thoughts to silence.

But the sound of footsteps pulls your attention, confused because the beach is basically deserted at this time, the chill brought in with the moon driving most people inside. Your breath catches in your throat when you see Seokjin standing not far from you. The wind blows his hair from his face and he looks tired. A little older, but still just as handsome as he was in university.

There’s no way that this is happening. You must be dreaming. That’s right. This is just another dream. A weird continuation of the one from a couple of days ago. Seokjin isn’t really here. Not at the same time as you. Not when there’s no one around. Not when your heart feels vulnerable and you can admit that you maybe really, really miss him. Sometimes.

But the chill from the wind feels real. The wood biting into your palms where your grip has tightened on the bench feels real. He looks real and handsome and devastating. Every bit like the man who stole your heart in high school and broke it in college. Who loved to make sure his loved ones were always laughing. Who had such a flair for dramatics that it was never a surprise that he’s such a popular and talented actor.

The jacket wrapped around his shoulders is unmistakably yours. A silly, casual design that you had done but never put into a collection cause there was never one it fit. You had sewn it on a whim, the idea eating away at you until you made it, settled the itch in your fingers. There’s only one way that Seokjin could’ve gotten that.

Hoseok.

Have they been talking more than Hoseok let on?

Seokjin hasn’t noticed you yet and you’re wondering if you’d be able to slip away without having him notice you when he turns and freezes. He seems just as surprised and blindsided to see you as you are to see him. You stare at each other and it feels like an eternity and a million conversations pass between you both. He swallows and closes the short distance between you both and tentatively takes a seat beside you.

He looks nervous when he turns towards you. Clearing his throat after a moment, he sticks his hand out, tentative smile on his face. “Hi, I’m Kim Seokjin.”

You almost laugh. It’s such a him thing to do. As if you would ever forget him. Seokjin left a scar on your heart, you’d carry a little piece of him for the rest of your life.

But the introduction feels like more than a way to break the tension. There’s a question hiding in his innocuous words. Is this okay? Can I be here? Can we be in each other’s lives again?

Most importantly, it feels like a fresh start. A new chapter. You and Seokjin are different people now. You’re both successful. You’ve grown, matured, learned. You’re no longer the starry-eyed, hopeful kids in college. Full of dreams and hopes, but with so little experience.

Who knows, maybe there won’t even be romantic feelings between you anymore. Maybe you’ll just end up friends.

But maybe this new start is what you both need. The sun may have set on your relationship in the past, but maybe it was just what you both needed to let the sun rise now. Something new, and exciting, but still a little bit familiar.

You take his hand with a smile. “Hi, Kim Seokjin. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

#bangtanarmynet #hyunglinenetwork #kwritersworldnet #ksmutclub #purplearmynet #seokjin x reader #seokjin smut #seokjin fanfic #seokjin angst #bts x reader #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts angst #jin x reader #jin smut #jin fanfic #jin angst

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nikadoesanart · 4 years ago

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“Other Worldly” Ability Users

Since I’ve been seeing a bit of talk of this panel/page (chapter 76, page 12) as of late, I might as well discuss it next!

For reference I read akai-koutei’s translation of the chapter so check it out here if you haven’t already (or to refresh your memory on it).

Also I do mention things from up to chapter 90, Stormbringer and Dead Apple towards the end so keep those spoiler warnings in mind!

Quick summary of the pages leading up to this panel: the fight between Teruko and Sigma is coming to a conclusion and Teruko is trying to convince Sigma to surrender. She claims that he’d have to fight prodigies, going off of Sigma calling himself an ordinary man. She then tells him, “Welcome to our world” and Sigma seems to envision this group of ability users due to her words.

Analysis: why/how is this vision shown

As for why I believe it was Sigma imagining this, it’s mainly due to the panel order. As for how he saw it, I believe that it’s equally likely that he either used his ability at this moment to find out what Teruko meant by “prodigies” and who is a part of this “world”, OR Sigma grouped these people together himself based on information he had received in advance from the likes of Dostoyevsky (ie. ability users to watch out for)

Analysis: the selection of the people in the vision

Teruko, Fyodor, Dazai, Tecchou, Chuuya, Fukuchi, Fitzgerald, and Jouno are all considered to be “of a different world” because of their sheer strength, skill, and/or wit.

Some of these entries should be fairly obvious, given how powerful some of the skills are directly in combat alone (Chuuya, Fukuchi, Fitzgerald Tecchou). Continuing with the capabilities of their skills: Teruko, Fyodor, Dazai and Jouno are included due to how game changing their skills are in a fight. Dazai and Teruko can easily render their opponent powerless with a single touch. The restrictions and capabilities of Fyodor’s ability are currently unknown, but it is hinted that it involves death or fatal injury upon contact. Jouno, the least obvious member of this grouping, has hearing so powerful that he can read people’s heartbeats, and with that read people’s reactions. It wouldn’t be far fetched to believe that he can also predict people’s movements with this (ie. the shifting of their weight or a change in breathing), making him very difficult to outsmart in battle.

In regards to wit and intellect being a factor in this grouping, this really applies to everyone in the group. Maybe not so much chuuya and tecchou, (and possibly teruko too) as they’re more combat oriented and skilled then strategizing. For starters, we know quite well just how good Dazai and Fyodor are at predicting others’ actions, and with that being able to strategize far in advance. Fukuchi is a skilled and trained fighter, and as we learn from his fights we’ve seen so far (up to ch 90 at the time of writing this), he more than knows how to strategize in a fight, as well as with larger decisions. We also have evidence of Dazai, Fyodor, Fukuchi’s, and Fitzgerald’s capabilities of strategizing as leaders. Chuuya must clearly be skilled in this too, seeing as he is an executive, but when it comes to fighting we know that he’s more focused on the combat of the fight than the strategy of it.

Analysis: the people that weren’t included, even though you’d think that they would have been.

→ Akutagawa and Atsushi aren’t a part of this group, despite being considered the “new double black” and Atsushi’s ability being described as one of the strongest that can cut through almost anything → even together, the two of them barely stood a chance against Fukuchi. Even when working together, the infighting and their own self doubt of their own individual capabilities is likely part of what’s keeping them from being in this group. We know that they don’t compare to the likes of Dazai and Fukuchi when it comes to wit/intellect/foresight. It would be interesting to see them fight someone else in the group though, like maybe Chuuya (as in for sparring/training purposes, doesn’t have to be as enemies)? They’ve beat Fitzgerald when working together but on their own, they struggled.

Chuuya get your butt over to Mersault, break out Dazai, and fight Fukuchi with him, please

→ Fukuzawa and Mori aren’t in this group, despite Fukuzawa being able to draw his sword so fast that it can’t be seen and Mori being the one that taught Dazai his strategizing skills. This is likely because their abilities would be considered much less extraordinary by comparison, as Teruko can age anyone and Dazai can nullify abilities for example, which both may not seem combat oriented but they can render their opponents powerless with a single touch vs Fukuzawa having a more simple support ability that only does so much and has specific activation requirements

→ Tachihara also isn’t included despite being a Hunting Dog and his ability having already been revealed by this point. Although we still don’t know the full limitations of his ability as of chapter 90, we do know that he can wield it very skillfully (ie. moving a life size mannequin with convincing realism, being hinted that he could do something about the vampirism). We know that his wit and intellect doesn’t compare to those in the group, as he admitted that he needed Mori’s help with realizing that Fukuchi is an enemy and why (though to be fair, he was under the influence of the writing in the page.

Post @chazukekani’s Stormbringer summaries addition: having Chuuya be included makes even more sense now due to the uniqueness of his ability (without spoiling too much, not only is Chuuya’s ability a god’s power implanted in him, but also how using Corruption is tied to ability singularities)

Post DEAD APPLE novel addition: why was Shibusawa not included in this group? Based on how Ango refers to him, Fyodor, and Dazai as aliens, then shouldn’t he be included too? The government was also keeping Shibu alive and safe because of how unique and valuable his skill is.

“But the government kept protection’ him anyway because he was a valuable skill user who could counteract a nationwide invasion of skill users.” (p 121 of the Yen Press translation for the Dead Apple novel)

Chapter 76 came out late 2019 so plenty of time after DA released. It could point to Shibu’s canonicity being questionable and (more importantly) there’s also the fact that he’s long dead by this point of the manga, but I don’t know why else he wasn’t included because Asagiri did say in his DA novel afterward that DA has had some influence on the story.

“Chronologically, the story takes place after the second season of the anime—in other words, after the war with the Guild, which puts Dead Apple somewhere between the ninth and tenth volumes of the manga.” . . . “The novel also ended up affecting the main story in numerous ways,” (p 196 of the Yen Press translation for the Dead Apple novel)

That’s it for my analysis of this! I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on why certain people were or were not included in this grouping, as well as feedback on my own reasonings!

#bsd #bsd theories #bsd analysis #bsd spoilers #bungou stray dogs #bsd manga spoilers #dead apple #stormbringer

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insfiringyou · 4 years ago

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BTS - Somebody Else (V x Da-eun) & (Max x Cassandra)

Contains: Fluff, parenting, slight angst, smut, first date

Set a month after the fic ‘A Chance Meeting’ where V asks for Da-eun’s phone number. He agrees on a date with the stylist and Cassandra and Max spend some alone time together.

You can find out more about our headcanon universe and ongoing storyline here and more about our headcanon girlfriends here.

To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM / Jin / Suga / J-Hope / Jimin / V / Jungkook & our full masterlist of fanart and fanfictions can be found here

If you wish to follow all member’s storylines in chronological order from the beginning, you can find them listed here.

Rated content below the cut

PART ONE

Taehyung smiled, opening his mouth in a playful gesture as the baby dropped the wrapper on the floor; the infant licked the dark substance from his tiny, sticky fingers with a grin. The man opposite reached for the pack of wet wipes on the table in front of him, slipping a few from the hole in the top and stretching to hand them to Taehyung who took them with a quiet thanks.

“No problem.” Max sat back down and leaned back in the chair, watching as Taehyung wiped the chocolate from the baby’s lips, trailing it across his cheeks and forehead, where a strand had managed to become lodged in the boy’s dark hair. “He loves that stuff but he gets it everywhere.”

Taehyung looked up briefly at the sound of the man’s voice, dismissing it with a lazy gesture. “Babies are supposed to be messy.”

“He’ll never sleep now…” Cassandra rolled her eyes with a sigh, shifting against the cushions of the small, two-person couch she shared with her boyfriend. She had spent all afternoon trying to get Gabriel prepared for his evening walk with Taehyung; making sure he was changed and fed, but the child had been restless, throwing his dinner on the floor in a tantrum before attempting to climb the stairs; pulling the safety gate from the wall in the process. Her limbs ached from chasing him, but his demeanor changed when his father showed up at the door. He climbed in the stroller without kicking up a fuss and, according to Taehyung, hadn’t made a sound on the mile-long trip to the park. It was times like this she jokingly wondered if Gabriel had been the right name to call him. Lucifer might be more apt.

Max had shown up shortly after the troublesome pair had left, and the cup of warm tea he made was most welcome. He helped her tidy the living room in anticipation of them coming back, and insisted she sit back and relax as he did the washing up. Her feet were sore and he kneaded them gently, resting them one by one in his lap until the sound of the door opening made her pull away. The thought of Taehyung seeing them made her uncomfortable, and her soles were feeling much better anyway.

“It’ll be fine.” Max murmured cheerfully, pulling her away from her thoughts. “I can go and sit with him if he wakes up.” Cassandra frowned at his casual taking of Taehyung’s side and he touched her thigh, giving it a little pat. “It’ll give you a chance to sleep.”

“I could stay if you need me to.” Taehyung offered, his gaze suddenly fixed on the couple.

She shook her head, frown fixed. “I thought you had a date?”

He opened his mouth to speak but Max cut in, interest peaked. “I didn’t know you were dating.”

Taehyung was silent for a moment before offering a small shrug. “We’ve only been texting.”

“How long?” The other man asked.

“A month or so.”

Cassandra turned to her boyfriend, sensing the other man’s discomfort at being questioned, she took over, elaborating for him. “She’s a stylist.”

Max grinned teasingly. “Your stylist?”

Taehyung shook his head. “No, a friend’s. We haven’t met yet.”

“Where are you taking her?” The older man asked.

There was a long pause and Cassandra suspected he wasn’t going to reply, realising that Max, who was an open book when it came to conversation, hadn’t yet sensed the other man’s uneasiness. Taehyung lowered Gabriel gently to the floor. The infant had started to wriggle in his grasp, as though sensing the change in atmosphere.

“Le Rouge, in Gangnam.” He murmured.

“Oh, it’s nice!” Max turned to his girlfriend with a warm smile. “We’ve been.”

“Make sure you try the Coq au vin.” She chipped in.

The younger man shrugged once more. “I’m not that hungry…I was thinking of just going for drinks.”

She looked at him, eyebrow cocked. “Have you told her that?”

“What do you mean?” He replied, voice slow.

She tried not to roll her eyes. “She might not have eaten.”

He sighed quietly, wanting to change the topic. “I’m sure we can figure it out.”

Cassandra fell quiet, eyes falling to her son who had started to whine under his breath, babbling incessantly as he clung to the dark fabric of the sofa, attempting to climb back onto his father’s lap. He was growing fussy and she checked her watch.

Max watched her do this and got slowly to his feet. “We should put him to bed now.”

“I’ll do it.” Taehyung interrupted.

Cassandra joined her boyfriend, shaking her head lightly as she stood, gently reminding the man opposite. “You’ve got somewhere to be.”

“Are you driving?” Max asked, stepping aside to allow Cassandra to edge past him.

The younger man shifted in his seat but accepted Cassandra’s offer. “Taking a cab.” His eyes followed as she bent down beside him, scooping the child in her arms easily as she had done thousands of times before. Their eyes met and she gave a soft smile, nodding towards his printed shirt. The colours were jeweled in tone; feathers decorating the crisp, white fabric. It was a wonder he had managed to stay clean with the baby around.

“You look nice.” She complimented.

“Thank you.” He murmured quietly.

She nodded, straightening her legs. “I hope it goes well.” Gabriel had finally grown quiet, his eyes closing sleepily and she lowered him towards his father who kissed his cheek softly, smoothing a stray lock of hair from his forehead.

“Goodnight angel…”

He watched her walk towards the hallway and felt his chest swim simultaneously with warmth and sadness at the sight of them leaving. Max followed his gaze, sea-blue eyes observing, but not quite understanding what he was seeing. He sat back in his chair, sensing the tension the other man was feeling and wanting to alleviate it somehow.

“Do you want something to drink since you’re not driving?” He offered politely. “Something to settle your nerves?”

The younger man’s attention was drawn for a few more moments by Cassandra climbing the stairs to the second floor with Gabriel walking in front of her; his arms held up to stop him from falling, before turning back. “If you want.”

Max stood up, heading towards the kitchen. “Do you like craft ale? We got a batch from a local brewery.”

“Anything’s fine.” Taehyung murmured without interest, watching as the older man unclasped the safety gate which shielded the kitchen from young, adventurous hands. He heard the fridge door open and the gentle hiss of cap tops being popped, before the other man returned, clutching two bottles. He handed one across the table before settling back down in his previous position on the opposite sofa.

“Has it been a while?”

Taehyung frowned. “Since what?”

Max shrugged easily. “You dated.”

The younger man looked away, thinking. “I’ve been focused on other things lately.”

Max nodded with a smile, remembering tidbits of information from Cassandra. “I heard about your house renovation. Is it going well?”

“Almost finished. I just have the nursery to decorate.”

He gave a murmur of approval in reply, before falling silent, unsure what else to say. Max had met Taehyung on a handful of occasions, though their conversations were usually brief; it wasn’t him he was coming around to see after all. He hadn’t yet grasped a good sense of his personality, though he seemed to be shy, reserved even. Max wasn’t used to making small talk, but wanted to be friendly; the other man was Gabriel’s father after all, and it would help Cassandra if they got along. “It’s good that you’ve made it work.” He eventually said, approvingly. Taehyung looked at him with a blank expression and he quickly clarified. “You and Cassandra...most people can’t.”

“Me and Cass aren’t like ‘most people’.” He replied, making Max laugh. He held up his bottle in cheers.

“I’ll drink to that!” He grinned, pressing the bottle to his lips. Taehyung followed, mirroring his motion and taking a few small sips. Max put his bottle on the table, watching the other man drink quietly, musing over whether he should say what he had planned. The young man opposite seemed more relaxed, having grown used to his company, so he pressed ahead, a little cautiously, seeking approval.

“We were thinking of taking a little vacation this summer…”

“Where to?” Taehyung asked.

His voice seemed casual, uninterested, so Max continued. “Sweden.” He cleared his throat a little. “Lund, my home town.”

Brown eyes met blue across the space. “Will Gabriel be going with you?”

Max hesitated, brushing his fair hair from his eyes and touching the back of his neck. “Would you be okay with that?”

Taehyung was quiet for a second, before replying. “If Cassandra’s comfortable with it.” He looked towards the doorway automatically, towards the staircase. He could hear Gabriel whaling loudly upstairs, Cassandra’s frantic hushes just audible as she tried to get him to settle in his cot. Max followed his gaze, reading his thoughts, and shook his head knowingly.

“She might take a while.” He confirmed. “You don’t want to be late.”

Taehyung fell silent, as though wishing to protest, but finally stood up, collecting his phone from the coffee table and sliding it into his shoulder bag. He hadn’t quite finished the drink, but a quick glance at his watch told him he wouldn’t have time. He wasn’t that thirsty anyway.

Max trailed behind as they walked into the hallway, the older man sipping his beer along the way. “I hope you’ll come again soon.” He smiled. Taehyung paused by the stairs, considering whether he should go up and say goodnight.

“I’ll let her know you had to go.” Max said gently, and Taehyung looked back, nodding in acceptance.

“Thanks.” He murmured, reaching for the door handle.

PART TWO

She felt hot under her thick, woolen coat and hoped her foundation was staying put. The evening was unexpectedly warm, a contrast to the past few nights when she had taken the bus back from her company’s headquarters downtown, and she was beginning to regret her attire. There was no one behind the reception desk and she looked around the dim room frantically, checking the small face of her watch and hoping he hadn’t left already; that was if he had shown up at all. There were a few couples seated around the circular tables, along with a family on the long, bench-like table near the window, clearly celebrating a birthday. Golden balloons were strung along the backs of chairs, and the conversation among them was heated and familiar. She couldn’t see him there and reached into her handbag for her phone, wondering if she would be brave enough to text.

Her gaze was averted when an older man came out of a back room, closing the door quietly behind him and glancing across the desk. She hoped he couldn’t sense her embarrassment and wondered whether she should just leave, before he beckoned gently to her. She took a step closer to the desk and he leaned across to whisper.

“Could I take your name?”

She pulled away and looked at him. His expression was hard to read and she felt her cheeks turn red.

“Kang Da-eun.” She replied, wondering a second too late whether it had been a good idea to tell a stranger.

He nodded. “This way please…”

She looked around the room, noting the busy atmosphere, before following cautiously towards a beaded curtain at the end of the corridor.

“Can I take your coat?” The man asked, pulling the strings aside as she ducked beneath. It made a soft, musical sound as the beads shimmied back together and she looked around the small room, spotting the lone figure immediately. The walls were a deep, fleshy kind of burgundy and the soft, warm lighting only made the room seem smaller, more intimate. Her heart seemed to stop as the man seated at the far end looked up above the menu, straight at her. His hair was a medium brown, tousled a little above his dark, dark eyes and the expression he gave seemed intense, though she couldn’t quite read it. She still couldn’t believe she was meeting him in the flesh; though she recognised him immediately. She had been too preoccupied over the prospect of him not being there that she hadn’t quite worked out what she would do if he was. Da-eun became aware that the server was waiting patiently at her side, and she belatedly turned to him with a blush, smoothing her dark hair away from her perspiring forehead.

“Oh, thank you…” She slipped off the tweed coat, fumbling a little with the oversized buttons, before handing it to him. He hung it on the stand in the corner, before promptly disappearing back through the curtains. When she turned back her date was standing, pulling the wooden chair from the other side of the little table for her to sit down. She walked over shakily, hoping her feet wouldn’t give out from under her as she joined him. The chair squeaked as she sat on it and she felt herself cringe even further.

“I’m sorry to be late. The bus was delayed.” She blurted, eyes following as he sat back down and met her gaze.

“Which number did you get?” He asked, voice low and surprisingly soft. She felt the pulse in her hands and knitted them together in front of her on the table.

“The one from Hannam-dong.”

He nodded, though she wasn’t sure he really understood. She wondered how long it had been since he had taken public transport. She looked around nervously, observing the framed photographs which hung, clustered on the walls. They were placed a little chaotically in the small space, but she thought that might be the point. She recognised a few of the places shown, though she had never been there herself; the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower. “It’s really nice here.” She smiled, tugging a little at the hem of her dress; wishing it wasn’t so warm or that she had chosen something less modest. “I feel under-dressed.”

His eyes flickered to the garment, lingering on the decorative pattern which adorned the thick, woolen dress. “Don’t worry.” He murmured.

“Have you been here before?” She asked with interest.

“No.” He said, making her fall silent. She touched her cheeks with the back of her hand, realising, as expected, they were warm to the touch. He noticed and leaned forward. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Just water.” She nodded and he pressed the call button at the side of the table.

“Still or sparkling?”

She blinked. “Still.”

The waiter was prompt, walking through the curtain a few moments later and Taehyung requested water for them both. She took advantage of the moment to fix her fringe again, which had started to cling unattractively to her forehead. She feathered the dark locks with her fingertips, making sure the older gentleman had once more retreated behind the doorway before she spoke again.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d come.” She whispered honestly, a little ashamed of herself.

Taehyung looked at her. “Why?”

“I thought…” She shook her head to herself, a little smile playing on her lips. “It might be a prank.”

“I wouldn’t prank you.” He said smoothly.

“I know…It’s just…” She started, already feeling flustered. “I see people on T.V all the time, where people pretend to be someone they’re not.” She paused. “It’s usually for their credit card.”

The other man was quiet and she worried she might have offended him. She opened her mouth to clarify, but he changed the topic. “Did you like the flowers I sent?”

Sitting back in her chair, she nodded with a smile at the memory. The pale, delicate Baby’s Breath had arrived at her workplace the previous week, wrapped carefully in brown paper. It reminded her of something a child might pick in the spring and she had later wondered if he had done just that. “They were lovely. I didn’t think they were for me at first.”

“I wrote a card.” He affirmed.

She quickly nodded. “I know. I just didn’t see it until Ara pointed it out.”

“Do you like working with Ara?” He questioned.

“She’s really nice.” Da-eun confirmed. “She told me how you met.”

Taehyung sat back, threading his fingers together. “We’ve known each other a long time.”

“I heard.” She thought for a second, curious about something she had heard rumours of in the news. “Are you working on a comeback?”

“Not really.” He murmured dismissively, looking over her shoulder when the waiter returned with a jug and two glasses. “Thank you, you can set it there.” He gestured, pouring the drinks for them both without fuss. He continued speaking as he placed her glass carefully in front of her. “How did you become a stylist?”

She took a few mouthfuls, soothing her dry throat. “Well…” She gulped, setting it back down. “It’s a funny story.”

“I’m listening.” He said.

She looked up, observing that he was indeed watching her closely, before she continued the story. “I had a friend from school who worked with Mamamoo, and she had to pull out of a photoshoot because she broke her arm.”

“How did she break it?” He asked.

“What?” She looked up, eyes wide.

“Her arm. How did she break it?” He asked patiently.

“Oh…” She looked down, remembering. “She fell down the stairs before a business meeting. Her heel just snapped.”

“Sounds painful.” He commented nonchalantly.

“It was.” She confirmed, feeling more confident now she was making conversation and that he appeared to be interested in what she had to say. “Anyway, she couldn’t mix the colours with only one arm. So she asked if I could step in.”

“Did you go to beauty school?”

She nodded with a smile. “I’d just graduated. I couldn’t believe my luck.”

“That’s very fortuitous...” He wandered off, taking a few sips of water as he thought to himself. She watched his eyes grow dark. “I would have liked to have spent more time at school.” He eventually said.

“You still can.” She replied softly. “What would you study?”

He was quiet for a second. “Art maybe…or Photography.”

Her smile widened. “I’ve seen your pictures online…they’re really good.”

“I’d like to be better.” He murmured.

She nodded sympathetically. “It must be hard to balance your time.”

He met her gaze, caught off guard. “Why?”

Da-eun frowned. “You have a son, don’t you?”

She saw his expression shift and immediately realised her mistake. “I’m sorry…” She backtracked, turning red with embarrassment and looking down at the table. “I saw it online.”

“So did most of Korea.” He said dryly.

She sensed a note of sadness in his voice she couldn’t quite place; regret perhaps? She knew why. She didn’t need Ara to tell her what the backlash had been like. Her own reaction as someone who had known his name for years was one of shock and slight disbelief. She knew for those who followed him more closely; the fans who attended his shows and bought his records, the news would have seemed like a bombshell. It had never occurred to her before how this must have affected him. She took a deep breath, steadying her nerves. “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to.”

He shifted slightly in his wooden chair, his demeanor relaxing. “Maybe another time.” He confirmed, surprising her. Da-eun watched as he reached slowly across the table, fingertips skimming the back of her hand briefly before pulling away. She felt her skin prickle at the touch. “I want to know you better first.” Taehyung whispered.

She moved her gaze from her hand, where his own had been only seconds before, to his face which seemed soft in the dim glow of the lamp. “I think I’ve told you it all…” She admitted, only just realising how open she had been with him during their messages.

“You still live with your parents and sister?” He asked, already knowing the answer but seeking confirmation.

She nodded. “When I’m home.”

His mouth twisted a little and she wondered if he was teasing her. “Do they know you’re on a date?”

She nodded again, trying this time to hide her blush by talking clearly, with an air of confidence. “I said I’d be back by ten…”

“I’ll make sure you’re home in time.” He said softly, sitting back in his chair.

“Thanks.” She mumbled, sensing a shift between them. Looking across at him, he suddenly seemed less defensive, as though he was finally starting to relax. She nodded towards the single menu that rested between them, noting the neat, spindly calligraphy on the front page. “Have you eaten?”

“No.”

She felt her stomach grumble in reply and picked it up sheepishly. “Did you want to share something? I hear the chicken is good.”

“I heard the same.” He replied coolly, gesturing towards the laminated sheet. “We should get two. I don’t want you to go hungry.”

She glanced at him with a smile, belatedly feeling just how hungry she was. Her stomach had been uncomfortable all afternoon, churning with nerves, and she hadn’t been able to manage more than a few bites at lunch. She knew how much Idols had to watch their figure; having seen for herself what Ara and the girls were subjected to while preparing for their comebacks, but the fact he didn’t seem to mind her having an appetite came as a relief.

“Shall we get a starter too?” She asked hopefully.

He nodded easily. “You should order as much as you want.”

“Maybe some onion soup?”

He smiled. “Sounds good. Do you drink?”

She blinked. “Alcohol?”

He nodded.

“A little bit.” She replied, though immediately realised that was an exaggeration. The last time she had alcohol had been two Christmases ago, and even then it had only been a taste.

“Do you want some wine?” He asked.

She hesitated. “I don’t know much about what’s good.” Da-eun answered honestly.

He nodded in acknowledgement. “I’ll order. Is a Cabernet okay?”

She looked at him blankly, but agreed. “Okay.”

***

She had managed to finish her small glass of wine, but only just. It’s bitter taste had taken her by surprise and if she had felt the room warm before, it was now like an oven. Taehyung had taken her lead and made sure his own glass was small, though he had drunk two. He gestured towards the bottle, still more than half full.

“Do you want any more?” He offered, putting down his fork and wiping his mouth with a napkin.

She shook her head with a smile. The room seemed to be lit with a soft, fuzzy glow; the man opposite cast in a halo of light. She had never been drunk before, though she had heard it was fun. She wasn’t sure tonight was the best night to find out. “I’d better not. I have to get the bus home.”

He looked at her, expression straight. “Are you driving it?”

Da-eun laughed loudly in response, his reply unexpected and funny. It was the first time he had attempted humour all evening, and it was welcome. “No…” She shook her head, eyes streaming a little as she calmed down.

He settled back in his chair comfortably and she suspected he might be feeling proud of himself for getting a response from her. She wondered how long it had been since he had made another woman laugh.

“It’s pretty strong.” He confirmed, noting her roughed cheeks and giddy demeanor. “You could take it home with you. For your parents.”

She looked at the drink, frowning. “I’m not sure they’ll let me on the bus with a bottle.”

“I’ll call you a taxi.” He offered. “I said I’d have you home by ten.”

His words were reassuring and she felt her heart skip in her chest. She hadn’t been sure earlier in the evening if meeting him had been such a good idea. While their messages had been friendly enough, she wasn’t certain he really liked her that much. But his offer to get her home safely was sweet and much appreciated; the prospect of riding the bus so late at night had been making her a little anxious as the evening drew to a close. Perhaps he was just as nervous about the date as she had been.

“I’ll get my coat.” She smiled, getting to her feet.

***

The cool air sobered her up and she tucked her coat tightly around her midriff. “It’s getting cold.” She commented, though felt it was welcome.

“Yes.” He murmured, walking side by side with her along the pavement until they reached the point where the curb dipped into the road. “The taxis stop here.”

She turned to him, only just noticing the clear height difference between them. It was strangely comforting. “Thank you for buying me dinner.” She smiled.

“Did you like it?” He asked.

“Yes.” She confirmed, quickly adding. “Thank you.”

Taehyung pointed to a black cab which indicated right at the end of the road in the distance before pulling into the side street. “This will be for you.” He confirmed. “I texted ahead.”

Da-eun looked up with a polite nod. “Thank you.” She wondered what came next; whether she should bring up the topic of a second date. The dinner had been nice, and she had warmed to him considerably during the course of the meal, but she couldn’t be sure whether he felt the same. Taehyung gave a little wave to the car which pulled into the taxi bay beside them.

“It was nice to meet you.” He said, watching her tuck the handbag beneath her arm a little more securely. She waited to see if he would say any more and when he didn’t, took a tentative step towards the cab, feeling awkward. He moved away and, noticing from the corner of her eye, she took it as a sign the date was over. Da-eun gently loosened her grasp against her purse and pulled open the zipper, knowing that while she hadn’t opened it during the date, she was strangely prone to losing things. Noting that her bank card and phone were accounted for, she allowed herself a quick glance over her shoulder and saw Taehyung walking away, back in the direction of the restaurant. He looked a little cold in his thin shirt and black trousers, and she wondered if he had left the rest of his belongings inside. Disappointed, but unsure what else she had expected, she turned back to the car and gave a small wave to the driver who gave one back in reply. She considered whether she should get in the front seat, though knew she would be useless at making conversation during the trip. Instead, she reached for the handle to the back.

“Do you have everything?” The voice behind her took her by surprise and she jumped a little, almost dropping her purse in the process. She turned towards Taehyung, failing to hide her shock, but managed a nod.

“Yes, I think so.”

“Good…” He murmured, breath turning to mist in the cold air. He fell silent before stepping forward. “Can I kiss you?”

Her mouth opened uselessly, though she knew she must have managed a nod because a moment later his lips were pressing against her cheek, his touch soft as he pecked her gently, the sound filling her ear. He was surprisingly warm despite the cold night, and she felt a tingle after he had pulled away; her nostrils briefly filled with his dark, woody scent. The fragrance was unfamiliar, though she hadn’t much experience with colognes, and it filled her stomach with butterflies.

“Goodnight…” He whispered, straightening up.

She blinked stupidly in reply. “Yes.”

“Text me when you get home.” He requested, reaching out to tuck untuck the collar of her thick coat, as though protecting her from the cold, before he turned to leave. “I want to make sure you’re safe.”

She nodded, though her voice was suddenly quiet; she felt like a mouse. “I will.”

The driver seemed to be growing inpatient behind the wheel and she gave a final wave as Taehyung set off once more in the direction of the restaurant, briefly turning back to watch her get inside before the car pulled away from the edge of the curb.

PART THREE

Earlier that evening…

“That sounded difficult.” Max smiled, automatically switching to English now they were alone and the apartment was finally silent. The cries from upstairs had only begun to taper off during the past five minutes, and the relief was apparent on Cassandra’s face as she gave a knowing smirk in reply and sat on the sofa, leaning into his touch as he wrapped one arm casually around her shoulder, bundling her against him. “It was the bastard sugar.” She replied in the same language, making him chuckle.

“One won’t hurt him.” He protested lightly. She rolled her eyes dramatically, realising he was taking Taehyung’s side in this.

“As long as you’re the one to stay up with him when he inevitably wakes up at 3am bouncing off the walls…”

He looked at her, holding his palms out with an easy smile. “I offered, didn't I?”

Cassandra looked around the small room, only just noticing. “Is he gone?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I gave him a beer.”

“How chivalrous of you.” She quipped dryly, tucking herself closer, body heavy with exhaustion.

“He seemed stressed.” Max shrugged, mispronouncing the final syllable, drawing it out.

“Yeah…” She murmured, growing silent in thought. “For a second I didn’t think he’d go.” She admitted.

“First dates are scary.” He agreed.

Cassandra pulled back to look up at him, her cheek pressing against his lower chest as she grinned mischievously. “Was it scary dating me?”

He shrugged against her, matching her smile. “You are easy to talk to.” He thought for a moment. “And my Korean is not that good yet.” He added.

“Me neither…”

He grinned, whispering. “You lie.” She laughed softly in reply as he looked at her, tucking a dark lock of hair behind her ear and smoothing her cheek with his knuckles. “I’m very lucky.” He said soberly.

Her mouth twisted in a playful leer. “Oui.”

His smile remained. “Do you feel the same?” He asked.

“Oui.”

He sighed dramatically. “You know my French is no good.”

“Non?” She teased, voice heavily accented.

“Non…” He agreed, bending down to meet her lips in a gentle kiss. He cupped her jaw, opening his mouth against hers and meeting her tongue as it brushed his softly, before pulling away and welcoming the feel of her weight against her body.

“He seems like a good guy.” Max admitted and she shifted against him, eyebrow raised.

“Taehyung?”

He nodded. “He’s good with the baby.” He said, falling silent when she didn’t reply. A thought had been playing on his mind, though he had never asked. Now, the timing seemed right. “Were you ever worried how he would react?”

“To having a baby?” She questioned.

Max gave a sound in confirmation. “He’s young.” He explained.

“Honestly…” She said, shrugging. “Yes.”

“I mentioned us going to see my family in the summer.” He gave her arm a gentle squeeze.

She looked up at him, voice turning stern in disbelief. “You didn’t…”

He moved his shoulders; his shrug shaking her against him. “He was okay with it.”

Cassandra frowned, a little shocked. “Really?”

“He said it was up to you.”

Another eye roll. “How kind of him…”

Max looked at her, observing her expression. “Did you think he’d stop you?” He asked, genuinely curious.

She grew quiet, before answering carefully. “I don’t see how he could.” She gave a small sigh. “We’re not together anymore.”

He couldn’t help but grin, gently touching her nose with his index finger. “Fortunate for me…” He smoothed it along her bridge lovingly before moving to her forehead, trailing it across her skin. “Shall we book the plane?”

She didn’t answer at first, and Max wondered if he should repeat the question, before she chimed in, a little tentatively. “I’m not sure Gabriel could handle the long flight.”

“I flew to Australia when I was his age.” He explained.

She shook her head against him. “I don’t want to put him through it yet.” Her hand reached for his and she held it lightly, hoping he wouldn’t take offence. “Maybe this time you could visit them yourself…until he’s older.”

“We can talk about it later.” He agreed, wrapping his fingers around hers and giving her hand a soft, reassuring squeeze. The sweater she was wearing had ridden down her chest a little, and he eyed her cleavage for a moment, before dipping his spare hand lower to cup a breast. She had closed her eyes, but gave a murmur of approval as he closed his fingers around her flesh, massaging her a couple of times before slipping his fingers beneath the hem of her sweater to brush the cup of her bra.

“Are you sure he’s asleep?” He whispered.

She nodded against him, grumbling sleepily. “For now.”

He dipped lower, sliding beneath the thick fabric to tease a nipple and welcoming her sigh as he brushed the sensitive bud. “Do you want to?” He asked, watching her eyes open.

“Can we do it here?” She asked, pulling away from his body to change position. “I don’t want to wake him.”

“Okay.” He agreed, taking her cue as she laid along the length of the sofa, facing away from him. He tucked himself behind her, already feeling himself stiffen beneath his trousers as she nestled her backside against the forming bulge. She wriggled a little, trying to get comfortable and he groaned in response, unfastening the button on his jeans and letting out an inpatient gasp as she reached behind with one hand to feel him through the fabric. She offered a long, slow squeeze which made him buckle into her grasp, untucking the edge of his boxer shorts as he pulled them down a little to free himself. Reaching around her body, he moved under her sweater, stroking her stomach gently before palming her breast once more through the fabric as she sought out his cock, wrapping her digits around his thickness and jerking him roughly against her covered backside.

“Is this good?” She whispered, keeping her voice low.

“Amazing…” He spluttered. “I’m not hurting you am I?”

“No…” She sighed, tightening her grasp.

“Your nipple is so hard.” He remarked, tweaking it a little through the padding as she unfastened her jeans with one hand, tugging the fabric along with her underwear down just enough to expose herself to him.

“Touch me…” She gasped, moving her hand to his and placing it between her thighs where he smoothed his fingers along the curved outline of her pubis, running through the dark mat of curled hair before dipping between her folds.

“I love your hair.” He whispered against her ear, panting at the sensation as she squeezed along with length.

“My cunt?” She moaned, moving her lower body against his fingers, encouraging him to explore further.

“Yes��” His breath was warm against her face and neck as he kissed the skin there sensually, tongue flicking against her.

“Say it.” She begged.

“I love your cunt.” He repeated back to her, moving his hips in time with her motions, pushing into her palm as the tip slipped across her fleshy backside, humping her.

“Do you want to fuck me?” Cassandra asked, breath catching in her throat.

“Yes…” He pleaded.

“Put your cock in me?”

He groaned loudly in reply and she held him tighter.

“Fill me with your cum?”

His voice hitched as he tried to speak. “Fill you…” He wandered off, giving a final grunt as he spilled himself into her hand, trying to catch his breath as he stilled against her. She realised, too late, what had happened and slowed her motions, uncurling her digits from around him and pulling away.

“God…” Max cried, bending over to kiss her cheek. “You’re so hot.” His voice came in jagged as he murmured against her cheek. “I couldn’t help it.” His eyes moved to her hand and he shifted against her, sitting up on the sofa as she moved around to rest her feet on the floor. “Let me get that…” He quickly offered, reaching for the wet wipes on the coffee table and wiping her digits before she could protest. He bundled the tissue and dropped it absently in the garbage can beside the sofa, pressing his lips back to her face. “You look so sexy.” He mumbled against her cheek, hands moving to squeeze her bare arse cheeks.

Cassandra pulled away, a little sleepily. “So do you.” She reached for her jeans, meaning to pull them back up but he beat her to it, pushing her hand away gently.

“Let me do something for you…”

She watched silently as he knelt on the floor, fitting himself between the sofa and table and looking up at her with wide, blue eyes. His intent was obvious, and Cassandra passively sat back in the chair as he stroked along her thigh, fingering the edge of her clothes and sliding them down her legs. He discarded them on the floor and she placed both feet on the sofa, spreading herself wide for him and watching as he leaned forward. His lips were gentle as they kissed along her labia, holding her open with two fingers and licking her folds with the tip of his tongue. She closed her eyes, blindly reaching for him as he tucked himself closer and stroking the strands of hair at the back of his neck. He moaned in reply to her touch as she held him against her, letting out an approving groan as he kissed her clitoris lightly, peppering it with soft, sucky kisses before focusing on her inner thigh which he showered with equal affection. She felt her eyelids growing heavy and forced them open, wanting to watch and appreciate him as he moved back to her clitoris which he sucked between his lips.

“That’s nice…” She whispered, encouraging him nearer. He wrapped his arms around the backs of her thighs, opening his mouth against her. The moans she gave in response were genuine, though she feared she lacked the energy to reach her peak. Giving a last attempt, she splayed her fingers across the back of his head, holding him to her as he licked across her clitoris in small, circular motions. He groaned once more against her body, clearly enjoying the act, and she hadn’t the heart to ask him to stop. Shifting on the sofa slightly, she let go of his head and ran her fingers lightly through the pale, blonde strands, increasing the sounds of her breathing steadily until she forced a series of raspy, throaty gasps and stilled against him. He pressed a lingering kiss against her inner labia, just above her cunt, and she eased him away gently. He looked up at her with a soft smile and she met it affectionately.

“Thank you.” She whispered, kissing him softly when he moved up her body and opened his lips against hers. “Is it too early for bed?” She asked when he pulled away, stroking his stubbled cheek with her index finger.

He shook his head. “No. Do you want a nightcap?”

She thought for a moment before getting to her feet, bending down for her discarded underwear. “I want to keep a clear head in case Gabriel wakes up.”

He reached for her spare hand and she took it as he pulled her into a loose embrace. “Okay.”

***

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felassan · 4 years ago

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Dragon Age Library Edition Volume 1 annotations & additional pages/art compilation

Dragon Age Library Edition Volume 1 is a hardcover collection of some pre-existing Dragon Age comics that was released in 2014. It comprises of all issues of The Silent Grove, Those Who Speak and Until We Sleep. In places, it includes additional annotations/commentaries by the illustrators and authors, as well as a few additional pages with additional art. iirc these additional annotations and pages/art aren’t featured or available anywhere else (in the franchise I mean; other people have probably put them online at some point I’m sure).

From what I can see at least, Library Edition Volume 1 is no longer in print, and as such listings for it on resale sites etc are.. price-inflated & prohibitively expensive (~£100+, which I’m sure we can all agree is just not reasonable or accessible to most people). Due to this, I’ve compiled the additional annotations and pages here in this post. Thank you and credit to @artevalentinapaz, who kindly shared the material with me. This post has been made with their permission. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

These commentaries are in the context of The Silent Grove, Those Who Speak and Until We Sleep. If you notice any errors or annotations missing, or need anything clarified, just let me know. I think the annotations are in chronological order. In places I elaborated in square brackets to help explain which part of the comics an annotation is referring to. A note before you proceed further: some of the topics referenced in the annotations/additional pages are heavy or uncomfortable. The quotes here are word-for-word transcriptions of dev/creator commentaries, not my personal opinions or phrasings.

(Also, I do recommend always supporting comic creators by purchasing their comics legitimately. I own each issue of these comics having bought other editions of them all legitimately. The reason I put this post together is because this specific Library Edition volume has been discontinued and the consequently-inflated cost is so high, rendering the additional material inaccessible to most.)

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The Silent Grove annotations

Illustrator Chad Hardin: “I used to be an environmental artist for video games, so I built a 3-D model of Antiva City using the program Silo. Many of the buildings are simple cubes, but a few are more detailed. Overall, I spent the better part of a day building it, but I used it again and again throughout The Silent Grove to maintain continuity in the backgrounds.”

Script Writer Alexander Freed: “Even working with David Gaider, it took me several drafts to find Alistair’s voice. His narrative had to convey his humor and self-doubt from Dragon Age: Origins while suggesting a newfound weariness earned during his years on the throne. For readers familiar with the character, he needed to seem like a changed Alistair - but Alistair nonetheless.”

Chad Hardin: “If you read a lot of comics, you might wonder why the majority of the heroes wear skin-tight suits. Well, I can tell you: they are easy and quick to draw. In video games, you build the model once and then animate it, so details don’t slow you down. In comics, everything has to be rendered by hand. Varric and Alistair’s outfits were quite detailed. It took me a long time to get used to them, and even longer to memorize the designs until drawing them was second nature - Varric’s knee armor in particular! Oy vey!”

David Gaider: “One of my favorite scenes in the entire series [when Varric and Isabela are disarming traps and picking locks together while Alistair looks on]. Isabela and Varric, doing what rogues do. I had a suggestion for how to put it together, but Alex managed to make it fit and did a great job with it.”

Chad Hardin: “I never used to keep any of the artwork I created for comics. I would just hand the pages over to my agent to sell. This page [when Alistair, Varric and Isabela are in a tavern together, with hookah in the foreground] I kept for myself. I love the hookah-smoking elves in the second panel and Isabela’s face in the last panel. I rendered the first four chapters of The Silent Grove in grayscale using ink washes, gouache and Copie markers.”

David Gaider: “For a little while, Varric [in these comic stories] was supposed to be Zevran from Dragon Age: Origins, which would have made sense, Zevran being Antivan and all. I know that some fans would have loved to see him, but the dynamics of the group just didn’t work as well. Then a planned cameo later had to be cut for space. Ah well, Zev, another time.”

Alexander Freed: “Isabela at her most dangerous [climbing up the side of the cliff]. This scene - featuring a scantily clad, dripping-wet woman who tends to flaunt her sexuality - could easily have come across as exploitative, but Chad did a lovely drop portraying Isabela as purely focused and deadly.”

Chad Hardin: “Isabela rising out of the water and scaling the cliff with the knife in her mouth is one of my favorite parts of The Silent Grove. It is one of those moments where the writing really inspired the art. Hats off to Alex and David. This is another page I kept for myself.”

Colorist Michael Atiyeh: “This is one of my favorite Dragon Age pages. Chad is such an amazing artist; I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with him.”

Chad Hardin: “I love that this page [when a guard spots Varric and shouts ‘Intruder!’] made it in uncensored. So many times in comics, I draw something and some stuffy lawyers come out of the woodwork and tell me to tone it down. Dark Horse and BioWare always let me have fun, and this turned out to be one of my favorite pages with Varric and Bianca. Any guesses to which word he is mouthing in the second panel?”

Alexander Freed: “Note the simple decency of Alistair as he gives his cloak, without comment, to Isabela. For all his flaws, he’s genuinely kind at heart - a rare enough trait in Isabela’s world that I think it’s much of what she values in him.”

Chad Hardin: “I love the opening panel to this chapter [the opening panels to Chapter 3, when the team are on a ship at sea]. It’s the image I use on the homepage of my website. This page was a gift to my cousin Wendy, who loves pirates. Seascapes with sailing ships might be clichéd in fine art, but for me it was a first.”

David Gaider: “I wanted to have this story center on the group travelling to a Witch of the Wilds other than Flemeth, and originally I had set it somewhere else - until I remembered a Codex entry from Dragon: Age Origins that offhandedly mentioned a witch in the Tellari Swamps. Brilliant! It’d look like I planned it all along. I didn’t.”

Michael Atiyeh: “I love opportunities where I can show a change in the time of day as you move from panel to panel [when the ship heads towards and the team arrive in the Tellari Swamps]. I feel the palette of each panel is very distinct and beautiful.”

Alexander Freed: “Why did Alistair choose two people he barely knows to be his companions on this quest? We never make this explicit, but of course Varric is on the right track. Alistair wants to surround himself with people who don’t know him and won’t judge him, yet it’s Alistair’s idealism that Isabela and Varric work to preserve.”

Chad Hardin: “Another page where the writing inspired the art [when the group suddenly encounter a dragon]. I love the dragon bursting onto the scene and Isabela’s stare. Some writers will try to cram six or seven panels on a page like this and the pacing just doesn’t allow the artist to give each moment the right punch. Can you imagine if the first panel was crammed into a single square inch?”

Chad Hardin: “Yavana was one of the only characters that we did no preliminary sketches for. I don’t know how that happened, but thankfully it worked out.”

David Gaider: “I love how Yavana looks like a cross between Flemeth and Morrigan. Flemmigan? She’s totally Chad’s design, and it’s great. Typical for these witches, she never says things straight. In my mind, this Alistair is the one who did the Dark Ritual in Dragon Age: Origins - and I was half-tempted to have him lose his cool in this first scene [opening panels of Chapter 4] with her. Too early, though.”

Alexander Freed: “Through this whole sequence [the page when Varric aims Bianca at Yavana], Yavana is dropping cryptic hints and Alistair is refusing to play along. He’s met Flemeth and Morrigan - he knows Yavana won’t give him a straight answer, and he won’t give her the satisfaction of asking needlessly.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Sometimes it’s the little things on a page that spark my interest. Here [when the team navigate vines and mud to get to the temple], the sunset panel came out great and the mud looks really thick and gooey. It’s fun to focus on these details and make them stand out.”

Chad Hardin: “I hated drawing this scene [when Isabela gets kicked] where Isabela gets the boot to the face. Call me old fashioned, but I was raised to believe that only a coward would ever hit a woman (even a battle-hardened pirate adventurer). I draw at home, and my girls often watch me work in my studio. This was a page I didn’t want them watching me draw. I do like, though, that Isabela gets up, yanks the arrow out, and then soldiers on (and later extracts brutal revenge).”

Michael Atiyeh: “Poor Isabela. It seems I gave her more bruises and black eyes than any of the other characters. [when Isabela is yanking the arrow out]”

Chad Hardin: “It’s always interesting to go back and look at artwork because it reminds me of what was going on in my life at the time. I inked this page [opening panels of Chapter 5] at a ‘draw night’ session at an anime convention in St. George, Utah. I was one of the special guests, but I missed the first day because I was at my grandfather’s funeral in Las Vegas, Nevada. Seeing this page brought back those memories.”

David Gaider: “‘Bianca says hello.’ [quoting the panels being referenced] I adore Varric. I was tempted to have him narrate the entire series [in reference to these three comics], but then again I liked the idea of having each series center on one of the trio’s viewpoints. This book belongs to Alistair, but that doesn’t stop Varric from getting all the best lines.”

Alexander Freed: “Claudio, of course, is not a terribly sympathetic figure. But I wanted to emphasize that he takes this fight as personally as Isabela - he sincerely loved Luis and blames Isabela for the man’s death. I think it’s important to give every character, even the most loathsome, some dignity. [when Isabela and Claudio are fighting]”

Chad Hardin: “Payback! Here is where Isabela extracts her revenge on Claudio [when Isabela stabs Claudio]. I never enjoyed killing off a character so much. I particularly enjoyed putting the look of shock in his eyes. He had it coming. There is something satisfying about killing a ‘made man’.”

Chad Hardin: “Every now and then when drawing comics, I wish I could animate some panels and watch them as a cartoon. It would be great to see this sequence [when Yavana catches Claudio’s soul] in full motion as Yavana snatches Claudio’s soul, makes it reenter his corpse and then extracts information from him until he bursts into flame. It was a very Hellboy-ish moment. I enjoyed the movie that played in my mind while drawing this scene. Hope everyone liked the result.”

Chad Hardin: “As I mentioned on page 17, I rendered the first four chapters in grayscale, which made the black-and-white art look great, but had a neutralizing effect when it came to colors. By the time I drew chapter 4, I had seen the effect it was having and decided to stop using the grayscale so the colors would pop. When I saw this page [when Alistair says to Yavana ‘And we helped you find it’] in print, it confirmed to me that I made the right decision. I honestly feel this art was the best of The Silent Grove.”

Chad Hardin: “I practically painted these pages [when Yavana says ‘It is permitted. Tonight and only tonight’] in thumbnails hoping it would help me choose how to render them in ink. It is so hard trying to figure out how to get a full range of value out of just black and white. There are some artists and inkers that make this look easy. Mark Schultz comes to mind. Michael saved my bacon. Colorists really do so much work when it comes to rendering; this page came out awesome because of him.”

David Gaider: “Here we reveal the existence of Great Dragons (as opposed to High Dragons), and also that Yavana was the source of the return of dragons to Thedas after their departure for so many centuries. But why? There’s the rub, and not even Alistair can trust that she’s telling him the truth.”

David Gaider: “Here’s the controversial scene [Alistair killing Yavana]. I think some fans don’t like that Alistair did this, and have said they consider it out of character. I don’t. From his perspective, Flemeth and her daughters have been toying with the world for reasons that can’t be trusted. They dragged Maric away from his family, from him. One might think his judgement foolish, but considering what Alistair was capable of deciding even back in Dragon Age: Origins, it’s certainly not out of character.”

Chad Hardin: “[same scene as above] This was a controversial page, and there were a lot of people who thought it was out of character for Alistair to kill Yavana (I didn’t see it coming - I mean, you just don’t kill a Witch of the Wild), but here is the thing: this page is Alistair acting as a king. Yavana has been manipulating him, trying to play him like a pawn, and he just can’t allow that. There’s too much at stake, for himself and for his subjects.”

Alexander Freed: “The end? An end, at least [the trio walking off into the distance]. The series needed a note of closure while leading into Those Who Speak (which wouldn’t arrive until many months later). David tweaked the ending in the outline several times, and I did my best to balance resolving Alistair’s emotional journey without resolving the quest. It’s not as clean as I’d have liked, but fortunately, now it’s all in one volume...”

Those Who Speak annotations

Alexander Freed: “Capturing Isabela’s narrative voice was much easier for me than capturing Alistair’s - partly because I’d already written The Silent Grove, and partly because of my own writing proclivities. Rereading now, I wonder if I laid on the (mild) profanity a bit too thick. I’ll leave you to judge.”

David Gaider: “I like the additional detail Alex and Chad put in, letting us see more of Qarinus and more of Isabela’s crew. Alex wanted to give her crew more of a presence, and let her first mate have some face time, so they weren’t just parts of the scenery. Good call on his part.”

David Gaider: “I’m really fond of the formal getups Chad made for the party. Isabela’s actually comes from a concept we didn’t use from the cancelled Dragon Age 2 expansion, if I remember right. And Maevaris came from me asking for ‘someone who looks like Mae West’ - with the wonderful outfit all Chad’s doing.

Chad Hardin: “Maevaris. I love Mae. When David and Dragon Age art director Matthew Goldman spoke to me about designing Mae, they wanted her to be fully female with the exception of her biology. They told me to think ‘Mae West’. Well, when I think of Mae West, I think of her... womanly shape. So, drawing Maevaris was always walking a fine line between portraying Mae’s identity and her biology. The process endeared her to me.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Just like in The Silent Grove, we are introduced to another gentleman from Isabela’s past [when the team meet Lord Devon and Isabela threatens him]. As was the case with Claudio, he will meet his fate at her hands.”

Chad Hardin: “When I was drawing Titus, my kids asked me why I was drawing ‘angry Jesus’ or ‘evil Jesus’. I can’t remember which term they used exactly, but it made me chuckle. I was going for a mix of Rapustin and Joe Stalin, but ‘evil Jesus’ would do.”

David Gaider: “I’m not sure it’s apparent here [when Alistair says ‘I’d really rather not’], but Alistair was supposed to be using one of his Templar powers on Titus (that’s why Titus recognizes what he is on the next page) and disrupting his magic.”

Alexander Freed: “Isabela is witty and charming enough that it can be easy to forget that she’s not, in fact, a nice person. Even after finishing the outline, David was concerned about making her too unsympathetic - but I loved his approach in this series. The dark deeds Isabela commits - this murder included [Isabela killing Lord Devon] - are what make her guilt tangible and no easy matter to overcome.”

Alexander Freed: “I thought the notions of Isabela’s pride in her captaincy and dedication to her crew were some of the most interesting aspects of her character in David’s story. In scenes here [when Isabela is on her ship saying ‘Keep them focused and keep them sober’] and elsewhere, I did my best to emphasize their place at the core of Isabela’s world.”

Chad Hardin: “Most of the time I draw from imagination, but because of the complexity of this page [Qunari trying to board Isabela’s ship] I decided it would work better if I had photo reference. On this page are my nephews Jared (Varric) and Adam, my niece Melissa, my kids Erica, Tasey Michaela (Isabela) and Chad (Alistair), my friend’s daughter Amy, my wife Joy, and the neighborhood kids as Isabela’s pirate crew. (The crew member mooning the Qunari is out of my ol’ noodle.) I paid their modelling fee in pizza and root beer. Also, I had originally drawn cannons on Isabela’s ship, so if there are parts of it that look slightly wonky, chances are there was a cannon there.”

David Gaider: “Ever since the BioWare artists finally did a concept for female Qunari, I’ve been itching to include one in the game. It’s always slipped through my fingers, so I was going to be damned if I’d have a Qunari plot in a comic - without the same technical limitations - and not have one present.

Chad Hardin: “I had no idea this was the first time anyone outside of BioWare had seen a female Qunari.”

Michael Atiyeh: “I really like the lighting in this sequence [Isabela in her cell thinking ‘I haven’t eaten in days’], especially the strong white light and the characters in shadow.”

David Gaider: “The entire sequence of Rasaan interrogating Isabela was something I plotted out in detail when this series began. Here they discuss names - something treated in a manner peculiar to the Qunari, considering how much importance they apply to what things are called (and not called), because it forms the core of their identity. Isabela brushes it off, but as we find out later it’s also at the core of her identity. I liked that parallel.”

Alexander Freed: “To balance out the relatively static talking pages elsewhere in the issue, I hoped to make the interrogation and flashback sequences beautiful and full of information. I proposed an approach to Chad, and he wisely reshaped it into what you see here [the page with the scene where Isabela says ‘I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes’]. Anything that succeeds on these pages should be credited to him; anything that fails is my fault.”

Chad Hardin: “Probably the most challenging spread I have ever done. My friend Stacie Pitt was the model for Isabela on this page, and my wife Joy was Rasaan. I saved these pages [around the scene when Rasaan says ‘Mistakes can be corrected’] for myself.”

David Gaider: “Sten from Dragon Age: Origins becoming the new Arishok of the Qunari was something we'd planned even during Dragon Age 2. This was a great opportunity to show that, and also to show that Sten didn’t acquire horns even despite the makeover the Qunari received in DA2. Hornless Qunari are considered special, and Sten is no exception.”

Michael Atiyeh: “I think that David, Alex and Chad handled Isabela’s flashback [to when she was sold by her mother] in an interesting way, and it created a nice flow to the story.”

David Gaider: “This was a controversial scene [what happened to the slaves Isabela was transporting], the end result of a lot of discussions between me and Isabela’s original writer on the team, and it went through a lot of revisions over that time. It needed to fit with the story Isabela told the player in DA2, but fill in the blanks of what she didn’t tell. We didn’t want Isabela to be someone who became who she is because she was ‘broken’ but instead as a result of her own actions - yet also not be completely beyond redemption.”

Chad Hardin: “These were hard pages [as above] to draw. It was difficult knowing that events such as this are part of human history, such as the Zong massacre in 1781, where the British courts ordered the insurers to reimburse the crew of the Zong for financial losses caused by throwing slaves overboard when faced with a lack of water. Horrifying beyond words.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Here, Isabela visits here crew, and I wanted to play up that she was in the light and they were in a dark cell. The light streaming through the bars gave me the opportunity to highlight Brand, who also had dialogue in the scene.”

Alexander Freed: “I struggled to find a way for Varric to contribute to victory without distracting from Alistair and Sten’s big fight. I’m happy with the solution: a brazen lie seemed appropriate to the character without taking away from the main show.”

David Gaider: “I believe my original plan had Isabela’s and Alistair’s fight scenes happening separately, but I like how Alex intertwined them in the script and I especially like how this ends up highlighting the differences between their characters when their fights are resolved. Isabela is defiant, revealing her name not because Rasaan demands it but because it’s her choice. In both cases, mercy is strength.”

Michael Atiyeh: “The brush I created for the clouds really gave them a nice watercolor effect here [on the deck of the ship, Sten calling Alistair ‘kadan’]. That brush has become a staple in my toolbox.”

Alexander Freed: “With the strong theme of names running through these issues, I liked the notion that Isabela had outgrown being, well, ‘Isabela’. When her name comes up in Until We Sleep, it’s largely played with ambiguity.”

Until We Sleep annotations

Alexander Freed: “The story of ‘Arthur’ is one of my favorite minor sequences [Varric infiltrating and fighting his way into the fortress]. It tells us something about Varric and it delivers plot information - and it’s also a reminder that our heroes kill an awful lot of people during these series and cope with it in their own ways. In general, writing Varric let me skirt the edge of metacommentary, which I greatly enjoyed.”

David Gaider: “Varric, as always, is my ‘voice of the narrator’. Here he’s expressing some of my own amusement at Alistair’s growing list of peculiarities [‘Your majesty is quite the special snowflake’]. To think, back at the beginning of Dragon Age: Origins he was just the player’s goofy sidekick who grew up in a barn.”

Michael Atiyeh: “By the third series, Until We Sleep, I really started to have a complete feel for what I wanted the final art to look like. As an artist, it’s important to continue to evolve and grow. The close-up of Sten’s face [same page as above] is a perfect example of how I wanted the rendering on the characters to look.”

Alexander Freed: “David’s outline called for a short, somber reveal of the Calenhad story by Sten. Fueled by my desire to avoid ‘talking heads’ sequences, I scripted it as a full-on storytelling flashback. David made sure the history worked (at least from the Qunari point of view), and Chad did a beautiful job handling it in a mere two pages.”

David Gaider: “Blood is important in Dragon Age, as a theme. Here we tie in the dragon blood that was mentioned all the way back in The Silent Grove and explain what it means at last. I was a bit hesitant to tarnish the legend of Calenhad the Great in this way, but I comfort myself with the knowledge this tale is but a viewpoint and not necessarily the entire truth.”

Michael Atiyeh: “Titus melting the attacker is a great example of classic comicbook storytelling and exactly what made me fall in love with the medium.”

David Gaider: “I was really happy with how Chad handled the reveal of Mae as transgender [the scene with Mae in the cell]. My worry was that Varric finding her disrobed might be potentially titillating, but I think he handled it nicely. I only wish there was more time to have Mae properly respond to being exposed in this manner, even to a friend.”

Chad Hardin: “I originally drew Mae as female [same scene as above], then changed her anatomy, so the psychological violation and humiliation she felt would be the focus. Hope that came across.”

Chad Hardin: “When in doubt, have Bianca shoot it [Varric shooting the artifact].”

David Gaider: “This scene [Varric and Bianca the dwarf] with Varric was one I wanted to do for a very long time. We’ve hinted that Varric’s crossbow was named after a real person, someone he never wants to talk about. Now I finally had the chance to show why.”

Chad Hardin: “Of all my Dragon Age pages, this scene was hands down my favorite, because Varric is my favorite. It was awesome to get to draw Bianca in her dwarven form. These scenes give you a glimpse of the love Varric and Bianca shared. It doesn’t tell you the whole story, but you can assume plenty from what is shown. You get to see Varric mostly naked (you’re welcome), but most of all you witness Varric’s heartbreak. I felt privileged to draw it. I got so obsessed with drawing this page I did an entire watercolor painting based on the last panel [Varric gets up to leave, ‘This isn’t right’ - ? or perhaps the scene where he opens the door to leave].”

Alexander Freed: “Unreliable narrators are always tricky - done wrong, they can just confuse the reader. But I’m fairly happy with Varric’s lies throughout this series, most of which are used to downplay the emotional cost of events rather than whitewash the events themselves.”

Michael Atiyeh: “This palette worked perfectly [Varric standing in front of the doorway/portal in the Fade proper], but I can’t take all the credit because BioWare provided reference for the Fade. I added the hot orange energy for the doorway, which looks great with the sickly green sky.”

David Gaider: “This scene [Isabela’s Fade nightmare] was actually inspired by a fan named Allegra who did a cosplay as a Qunari version of Isabela. I knew I wanted something like this for Isabela’s Fade section of the comic, but it didn’t really solidify until I saw the cosplay.”

Chad Hardin: “Isabela is more affected by her encounter with Rasaan than we were led to believe. A portent of things to come?”

Michael Atiyeh: “I love this shot of Mae in the fourth panel [on the page where Isabela is affected by vines]. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention what a great character she is in the series, and Chad captures her beautifully in this shot.”

Alexander Freed: “I saw this issue as a sort of downbeat victory lap. Over the course of the previous series, our protagonists largely came to terms with the inner demons the Fade confronts them with here. The fact they’ve come so far lets them win this last battle... but they still have scars that will never completely disappear.”

David Gaider: “Maric was in the first two novels I wrote for Dragon Age. Seeing Chad’s rendering of him as a regal, grown-up version of Alistair made me incredibly nostalgic. Some characters you just never let go of.”

Alexander Freed: “I feel Varric’s lines (‘tell yourself the stories you need to tell’ but ‘never live your own lies’) are the natural endpoint of all the exchanges he’s had with Alistair, starting from the end of Chapter 1 of The Silent Grove. And of course it plays off the story of ‘Arthur’, as well.’’

Chad Hardin: “I’m happy with the way Titus came off in these pages [Titus attacking and saying ‘The last magisters of Tevinter were so close’]. He looks threatening and powerful when fighting Alistair, Isabela and Varric, but genuinely confused by his inability to defeat Maric. Bye-bye, evil Jesus.”

Alexander Freed: “I can’t help but feel for Titus. He was unthinkably corrupt, but I see him as genuinely motivated by Tevinter’s glory. (The fact Alistair reads zealous ideology as a lust for power says a lot about both characters.)”

Michael Atiyeh: “I love the seamless transition of color from Titus’ magic to the dragon breath and then back into the orange remnants of his magic in the smoke. This was a really fun panel to color [Titus saying ‘Die by what wrought you’].”

David Gaider: “‘You are not the dreamer here. I am.’ I always have a scene or a line that’s in my head when I begin a tale, and this line of Maric’s was one I wanted all the way back when I started working on The Silent Grove.”

Chad Hardin: “I love this page [Maric and Alistair clasping hands]; Mike’s colors are spot on. We get to see all our heroes in an ideal state for the last time. This is the last Dragon Age page I saved for myself.”

David Gaider: “This scene kills me [Alistair destroying the Magrallen]. I knew it needed to happen; I knew I wanted it to happen even back when I began the story. Alistair lets Maric remain in the Fade rather than dragging him back to a world which has moved on. Alistair’s ready to move on, but forcing him to give up that hope... it makes me feel like a bad person.”

Chad Hardin: “Heartbreak for Alistair as he realizes that once again, as a king, he must kill: this time, his own father (granted, the Magrallen did most of the work). I really like how Maric crumbles away in the end. This was my last page, and the emotions on the page and in my studio were very final. Altogether, this was a year of my life in the making. On my last page, I wrote a thank you to everyone involved, the crew at Dark Horse and the crew at BioWare. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank them again. It was a thrill. Finally, a huge thank-you to the Dragon Age fan community, whose support was overwhelmingly awesome.”

Michael Atiyeh: “As the story came to an end, I knew I was going to miss these characters. Writing these annotations reinforces the fact that I hope to work with this great creative team again one day. Many thanks to Dark Horse and BioWare for the opportunity to work on Dragon Age.”

Alexander Freed: “The tension between the art and the narration on this page [the one with Alistair sitting on his throne while nobles argue] is something you can only pull off in comics. Neither tells the full, bittersweet story alone. Similarly, these issues wouldn’t have been possible without everyone on the team; thanks to David, Chad, Michael, and everyone I lack space to list!”

Additional pages / art

Library Edition Volume 1 also came with some additional pages, with additional art and commentary. These are as follows (I’m including them for the sake of completion, click the links to see):

1. Alistair and dragon concepts

2. Rasaan and Maevaris concepts

3. Sten, Titus and Yavana concepts

4. A series of cover pages 1

5. A series of cover pages 2

In case anyone has trouble reading the notes that accompany these images, I’ve transcribed them below:

1. Dragon Age Sketch Book

Alistair Concept

Dragon Age / Dark Horse

Chad Hardin: “The headshot of Alistair is from a finished sketch with a rejected armor design. In order to save time, the redrawing was completed on the computer, where tweaks and changes are quick and easy, if somewhat less glorious.”

[Dragon] Head #1 / Head #2

Chad Hardin: “Everyone liked this dragon sketch so much that Dark Horse printed it for signings at conventions. You can see I did multiple proposals for the dragon’s head. It was more effective than drawing the body over and over.”

2. [arrow pointing to Mae’s sleeve] concealed [I think that’s what it says anyway] daggers / shurikens?

Chad Hardin: “When designing Rasaan and Maevaris, I wasn’t exactly sure how their roles would play out in the series. Maevaris’ outfit was inspired by brothel madams of the Wild West. I thought it would be cool to have some weapons concealed in the formal wear. These never came into play in the series, but they were there in my mind.”

3. Chad Hardin: “Although we only see Titus in his battle garb in one issue, I really liked the design of his armor. The sketch of Yavana was done on the fly and served as both a rough preliminary sketch and as a panel layout. You have to work hard and smart in comics to keep up with the deadlines.”

4. Cover Artist Anthony Palumbo: “This was my first assignment for Dark Horse, and I was both excited and nervous. I drew pencil sketches of the main characters, scanned them and played with different arrangements, poses and color schemes in Photoshop.”

5. Anthony Palumbo: “Fellow illustrator Winona Nelson helped me by sitting for photo reference. I created the mock-jewelry with gold-painted Sculpey. That’s a quick photo of my own gaping maw, to help with the image of Varric.”

#dragon age #bioware #video games #artevalentinapaz #alistair theirin #fav warden #morrigan #queen of my heart #long post #longpost

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sullaem · 5 years ago

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park jeong eon - <though the day was gray, everything was clear>

chapter: <blue night>

( tw for mention of dec. 18, grief )

there are times when i’m lying in bed with my eyes closed that the image of <blue night> comes to mind. maybe it’s because i usually go to sleep just before or after midnight, which was around the time that <blue night> would begin. perhaps my memories are reacting to the time of day.

the scenes i picture are usually in chronological order. ten minutes before the start of broadcast, if we had a bit of time to spare we’d sit in a circle together in the studio and chatter away eating gummy bears. the studio across from us would be in the midst of airing <dreaming radio> live.

after reading the opening, the first song goes out. after that, it’s time to listen to the song that the dj picked. it couldn’t have been easy to bring a new song each day, but there wasn’t a single time that he brought something offhandedly. there were many songs that he went through the trouble of selecting that we couldn’t even play, because they weren’t cleared for broadcasting. the song he chose most often and always sang along to was stevie wonder’s <ribbon in the sky>. it isn’t a short song, but it goes by in the blink of an eye.

12:40. the weekly corner begins and the guests enter with greetings. the atmosphere transforms at once. after an hour of noisy, boisterous chatting, it’s 1:40. the people who’d entered before leave one by one. we bid them farewell and close the studio; the door shuts with a massive, heavy thud. the digital clock that shows the remaining time for broadcast now displays ’20 minutes.’

he reads a quiet, calm essay. he cries easily, so sometimes he tears up while reading listener’s stories. the view outside the window, which had already been dark before, darkens completely to black and the surroundings become silent.

as the song plays, i pull up the blinds and look around the roads, but they’re completely deserted. even the lights that had been on in some stores here and there have vanished. at the time the outside world has fallen into a deep slumber, the scene of the studio at 1:40 am is appropriately tiring, yet peaceful.

after hearing the unbelievable news of his passing, i find myself often picturing the studio of 1:40 am. though i can’t do anything about it here and now, someday, if i can travel back in time, it’s a moment i absolutely want to find my way back to.

midnight, today, the same time arrives without fail. whenever i have trouble falling asleep, i sometimes imagine. the doors of the studio open and a dj wearing a hat pulled down low hums to a song and plops down in his chair. he will start the opening, matched with a familiar tune. just as he guarded his place without leaving it, for such a very long time.

my first dj will exist just like this, somewhere still.

in the small and cozy studio that i remember, he will forever.

park jeong eon excerpt from her book of essays, <날은 흐려도 모든것이 진했던> (though the day was gray, everything was clear) * published 04.26.2019

* t/n - park jeong eon is a pd for mbc radio. blue night was her debut program. the book’s title is a bit hard to translate with its full meaning. she uses the word ‘흐리다’ in the context of weather, which means cloudy/gray, but also plays on its meaning of blurry/unclear. ‘진하다’ can be used to describe something deep/dark/strong usually in terms of colours and taste. she’s saying the day may have been gray/blurry, but everything else (e.g. her senses, memories) was deep/prominent in contrast.

trans. @sullaem book scans cr. @_OJTMK_SW (Twitter) do not edit or repost

#kim jonghyun #jonghyun #shinee #blue night #essay #park jeongeon #translation #long post

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theres-no-protocol-for-this · 4 years ago

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Silence

Kris

I invited Tatiana to the bridge because it was the only room aboard Serenity with sufficient security and recording capabilities to sign a contract. Cassandra’s home planet placed a lot of stock on personal privacy, and the ship was outfitted with the minimum number of internal cameras to maintain it. We had just enough eyes on board to know if the engineering burned down.

Cass came into the control room moments after Tatiana with the SecUnit following close behind. No longer bloody and dressed in a standard-issue uniform, it looked practically human. If I didn’t know any better, I could easily mistake it for a tall and heavily augmented human soldier.

Jae stood behind the captain with its arms in a neutral pose behind its back and its expression unreadable. It looked sufficiently menacing that I didn’t want to end on its shit list at that moment. I had a sneaking feeling that SecUnit wasn’t nearly as terrifying as it initially appeared. Cass’ assessment that it was young and still learning was likely on point.

The corporate shareholder began pacing the room, her posture reminiscent of someone with a stick shoved up where it don’t shine. I recognized her type from personal experience; most Corporation Rim supervisors learned that behavior real quick if they wanted to rise through the ranks.

Cass had her arms crossed across her chest, and her face was set in a grimace. We’d briefly discussed our options before agreeing to meet with Tatiana, and the captain of Serenity was not happy about the whole situation.

“Used to be that thing wouldn’t shut up,” the ex-handler said unprompted, as though it was something trivial and she was discussing a toaster. With a careless hand, she gestured toward the SecUnit. “It came off the line asking too many questions. Wouldn’t remain silent no matter what it was told.” The woman chuckled darkly, and it made me sick. “Removing its vocal cords and advanced speech-language modules was the best decision I ever made.”

Cass looked ready to hurt the woman. “You did what? What the actual fuck!”

Tatiana appeared not to notice that Cass had spoken at all. “Occasionally, they start out a little too curious. There’s not much you can do when their neuro-processing circuits are still calibrating. Usually a few jolts from the governor straightens them right out, but when that doesn’t work… well, we have other tools in our toolbox, don’t we J1741E?”

I could tell that she was actively trying to rile up the captain, but I was also betting the corporate asshole was telling the truth. “Tools should behave like it,” the woman added, driving the nail in deeper.

I expected Cass to march straight to the corporate and strangle the woman with her bare hands, but Jae stopped her. I had never seen it react actively before, but here it reached out and put a hand on its handler’s shoulder. Like it knew what was happening, like it understood the situation. Had it seen Tatiana employ this tactic before? Just how smart was the machine we’d unwillingly bound to the captain?

“You let it touch you?” The corporate lackey sounded genuinely horrified.

“How we handle our business is none of your concern.” I gestured at the display surface where images of the ex-handler’s destroyed warship were still visible. “And we’re not here to debate proper training procedures of Combat SecUnits. We want a contract, plain and simple.”

The woman snorted. “Contracts are neither plain nor simple, my dear. You, of all people, should know.”

I doubted Tatiana knew me personally, but she must have suspected I’d been a CR citizen once, and that was more information than I wanted her to have.

“Right now, you’re aboard our ship, and no one else knows. It would be easy enough to claim an airlock malfunction and go on our merry way.” I shrugged. “Or we can come to an understanding. We’re not asking for much, and from where I’m sitting it looks like we’re holding all the cards.”

“That’s what you think.”

The corporate sounded so sure of herself that I became suspicious. People didn’t act like they knew the outcome unless they had an ace up their sleeve. I wanted to ask SecUnit about overrides, but couldn’t without alerting the corporate goon. As if reading my mind, Jae noted that most handlers had override codes or chips via the feed.

“It’s what I know.” I caught Cass’ gaze. “Serenity, please disconnect SecUnit from the feed and direct it to its cabin.”

The captain of the ship opened her mouth and then closed it. “Right. So it doesn’t record anything.”

I noticed that Tatiana was trying to get closer to the SecUnit. I was betting she had a physical override that she wanted to use on Jae. If the corporate had a verbal code or command designed to force a construct to stand down, she would have used it already. Which left mechanical means, the kinds of chips that went into data ports.

“Command executed,” Serenity told us.

The construct nodded and walked out of the room, but that didn’t make me feel any less guilt about essentially muting the construct. I wanted Jae somewhere safely away from the bitch in the room, where she couldn’t hurt it. Yet I felt the urge to go and apologize to it.

Fuck if I wasn’t starting to think about the SecUnit as a member of the team. Fuck me.

Available on AO3 if you’re looking for these in chronological order.

#murderbot #fanfiction #combat secunit #ao3 #adopted

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shadowsof-thenight · 4 years ago

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Writing Habits.

I saw this somewhere and thought it would be fun.

Rules: Bold/color the things that you relate to and then tag some people to play.

I write daily | most days | a few times a week | a few times a month | random

I’m trying to get in the habit of writing daily, but I get so easily distracted. Not to mention real life being a bit of b*tch.

I’m a night owl. Big time. However, work doesn’t really mash with that so it makes it harder quite often.

Most often once I really get writing I write a lot! But I try not to put as much pressure on myself, in the past that really hurt my process.

I tend to write scenes: in chronological order with no skipping | mostly in order but with some filler/skipping | whatever scene I feel like | who knows what’s gonna come out????

I write an outline first, that way when I have an idea for a scene in chapter 10, while I'm still on chapter 5, I can actually dive into chapter 10. That said, it means a lot of scrolling back and forth sometimes to get all the little facts straight.

I think...Definitely not dialogue haha.

I usually write on my laptop, but I always keep paper close wherever I am. I used to love writing on paper, but my hands hurt too much for that now unfortunately. Not to mention that I really hate typing it up later, because it slows me down, but I’m not lugging my laptop around everywhere.

When I take a break from writing, it usually lasts a few days | a few weeks | a few months | it’s kind of random

I’ve stepped away from writing for long stretches of time in the past. However, I always come back and these days I try not to let my breaks last too long if I can help it.

I often just need to spend some time reading when writingg gets hard, but if I just want to rest it’s watching movies/shows or music (listening and/or singing)

I’ve made improvements over the last year or two but I am actually taking steps to become more consistent—that’s the main area where I know I’m lacking. I’m also always looking at writing advice and just pick and choose what fits with my way of writing. I’m tagging (but don’t feel obligated): @samwilsons-pillowpecs, @captain-kelli, @whitestarbucky, @thefallenbibliophilequote, @shreddedparchment and anyone else who wants to do this!

#About me #Writing Habits

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vampireqrow-moved · 4 years ago

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hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

#asks #long post #anonymous #pansexuality #biphobia #transphobia #my post

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the-saucy-wave-equation · 5 years ago

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I’ve hit the point in my academic career where my work is mainly scheduled by me, rather than teachers or administrators setting my class/TAing schedule. While this does come with a lot of freedom, I’ve been struggling a little bit with how to manage my time when its MY time, not time meant for someone else’s work. So the goal of this is to actually help me sort my thoughts out about scheduling myself, and hopefully it’ll help some of you in the meantime.

Set the schedule for the week ahead of time. Even though most of my time isn’t particularly scheduled, I still have group meetings and personal meetings and seminars that I have to go to, so I make sure that I know when all of those commitments are, and the amount of time around all of those I have. I’m careful to include things like going to the gym, since that’s something that really helps me stay happy and sane, and it’s easier if I account for that time from the beginning. Plus then I get calendar reminders.

At the end of the previous week or first thing Monday morning before I do anything else other than perhaps make a cup of tea, make a list of things that I need to continue working on, as well as potentially new things that I want to work on. There’s no limit on the number of things here, just put down everything I could possibly want to get done.

Then think about what order of things I want to do. What do I have to do before everything else? What doesn’t depend on anything else? What can only be done if I figure out the solution to a previous problem? On the list from step 2 make a rough chronological priority. That should consist of what order things have to be (e.g. finishing a calculation before I write a paper section on the results), as well as making a note of what can be done at any time (e.g. things like looking for latest literature of the field).

Keeping these degrees of priority in mind, choose 2-5 main big tasks for the day (2 if I have meetings and other commitments, 5 if it’s a totally empty day), and break them down into smaller tasks.

Once I’ve chosen what I want to do that day, I pencil in the following tasks for the rest of the week, with room to expand or change it if I finish things early, or have to push it back a day for whatever reason.

Now that everything is assigned a day, I look at my overall schedule, see how much time I have before the next commitment, and then choose what task to tackle based on how much time it would take, whether it can easily be interrupted etc. Some frameworks that I use to help guide it- what needs to be done first? What amount of waiting time will this involve, so what smaller tasks can I incorporate into it, for example waiting for calculations to finish can be a great time to do a literature search for new papers in the field or reading up on background theory. How long will this take, and can I get it done before I have to be somewhere else?

So, this is maybe not about strict scheduling, because that doesn’t work for me, but is about fitting the sort of amorphous academic work around bits and bobs I have schedules by making sure that I have my priorities straight and have a very solid to-do list that propagates through the week. I really think the biggest thing about this is figuring out how to work best for you. I’ve tried time blocking in the past, but it’s never worked too well for me, because I like to have many things going on at once and jumping between things. That’s what works best for the type of research that I do- doing a lot of calculations, waiting for them to finish, and then analyzing them. There’s a degree of chaos in how my work has to be done that doesn’t mesh well with time blocking. So I use extensive to-do lists and no real time commitment beyond what I have to have.

#gradblr #studyblr #studyspo #sciblr #chemblr #stemblr #graduate school #scheduling #productivity #to-do lists #productive #work life #organizing time #freeform work #academia

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flightfoot · 5 years ago

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ML Fanfic Character Analysis - Alya Cesaire from MiniMinou’s “Lies We Tell (Ourselves)” Chapters 1-11 (SPOILERS)

Thanks to @mini-minou for writing Lies We Tell (Ourselves) and for giving me permission to write this analysis!

Before I get a bunch of anons complaining about me not putting this under a Read More, if I do that then if anything happens to my blog this post will be lost, and there’s really no other place for me to post it to ensure that it stays available. I’ve run into enough old posts where the user who wrote a response or a story was deactivated, so anything they put underneath a Read More is inaccessible.

-----

I really love Alya from this fic. She’s flawed and makes mistakes and is sometimes selfish, but she’s TRYING to be a good friend and a good person while balancing that against her own ambitions. Unfortunately her limited information causes her to frequently make decisions that just make things worse for her. It doesn’t help that she’s a bit starstruck by Ladybug and tends to think of her more as an idol or celebrity than as an actual person, especially like a girl her own age. I wouldn’t fault her TOO heavily on that though; that’s an easy mistake to make, even for adults, and Ladybug definitely SEEMS larger than life and even encourages others to think of her that way, since that way the citizens of Paris are likely to feel more secure.

In any case, I really wanted to break down Alya’s actual actions and perspective throughout chapters 1-11 (11 is the most recent chapter published in case anyone in the future is confused as to why I chose that as a stopping point for this analysis). Alya is the hero of her own story. And when her actions are viewed through the lens of what she knows and perceives and believes, they make a lot of sense and honestly? I can’t say that I’d be likely to do any better in her shoes. Which is part of what makes her so compelling. She’s trying to do good, but that doesn’t mean she’s perfect at it. People usually aren’t. But she’s TRYING. She just can get a little lost along the way sometimes.

To put things into chronological order:

Alya appears to have conducted her first interview with Lila back in Volpina, like in canon. Nothing too noteworthy here. She was gullible to do so on no evidence, but that’s about all I can say about it.

Sometime after Lila returned to school, Alya conducted a second interview with Lila, since the first one was such a hit. Everyone wanted to know more about Ladybug, and if they can’t get Ladybug herself to show up and answer questions, her supposed “best friend” is a good substitute - at least as good as they were gonna get.

Lila seems to have agreed pretty readily (of course). Alya was delighted to get access to her again, but had some reservations about her own motives.

“Weeell,” Alya said, playfully elongating the vowel. “I’d love to hear more about tea. Off the record, of course. And I promise it won’t spill any further than me.”

Lila pursed her lips, an unreadable expression on her face, and Alya’s heart dropped straight to her stomach. Oh no. Had she probed too hard? She didn’t want to come off as some crazed fangirl, or make Lila feel like she was only trying to get close to her because of her connection to Ladybug.

But aren’t I?

Well, maybe a little. But Lila was a genuinely fascinating person in her own right, and they were sure to be fast friends anyway.

This opportunity was just the lucky cherry on top.

I really like Alya here. Yes she’s initially getting closer to her so quickly because of her connection with Ladybug, but honestly from what we’ve seen of how Alya makes friends and how quickly, I don’t think she’s wrong that she’d try to make friends with Lila regardless. I’m glad that it at least occurred to her that her “connections” may have played a factor in her wanting to be friends so quickly and eagerly, and that she seems to have acknowledged that, but also seemed to view it as more of a bonus than anything.

Because as a bonus it’s fine. Just so long as it’s not the core or only reason.

And then there’s Lila’s big lie. Of course she lies all the time, but this is the one that’s gotten Alya desperate, that has cut Alya to her core. Because this lie involves Alya herself, though Lila doesn’t know it, and just so happens to have similar enough effects to what Alya’s observed (though the actual reasons are different) and uses details that Lila shouldn’t have known unless she was watching the battle on Heroes Day or talked to someone who was directly involved with it who wasn’t akumatized.

“Alright, you didn’t hear this from me, but – you know that new fox hero?”

Alya grew perfectly still. “Rena Rouge?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Do–“ She cleared her throat. “Do you know who she is?”

“You mean as a civilian? No. But let me tell you, behind the scenes…” Lila let out a trilling laugh. “She’s an absolute disaster. Got herself and half the team Akumatized on Hero’s Day. Ladybug’s seriously considering replacing her with someone else.” She shrugged. “After all, there are much more worthy candidates for wielding that particular Miraculous around.”

As Alya notes later on, Lila can’t have known this unless she talked to one of the Miraculous wielders involved or was watching from somewhere. Since Lila was supposedly out of the country (plus most everyone who wasn’t akumatized had fled or were in hiding), that means, as far as Alya knows, that Lila could ONLY have found this info out by talking to Rena Rouge, Carapace, Queen Bee, Chat Noir, or Ladybug.

Alya knows for a fact that she didn’t spill and that Nino didn’t either. I’m not sure how she ruled out Chloe from spilling, but she may have just figured that Chloe wouldn’t want to talk about that battle because of how poorly it went. Or she may have asked Chloe surreptitiously. It’s entirely possible, though, that she just took Lila’s words at face value. After all, no reason to do that investigation unless you suspect someone of lying, and while Marinette has accused Lila of lying, she hasn’t presented any hard evidence of her doing so. And this story of Lila’s, with her knowing something she logically shouldn’t unless her story was true? Is pretty compelling evidence that she’s not lying. Especially in respect to her connection with Ladybug.

Lila doesn’t know it, but her lie is PERFECT. For her at least. From Alya’s reaction, it seems like she’d probably been feeling insecure about her performance on Heroes Day since it happened, so she could easily believe Lila’s words - especially since it matched up nicely with how Ladybug had been avoiding her.

“Really?” Alya asked, somehow choking out a breathless laugh. “That bad?”

“Quite.” Lila tilted her head, a slightly puzzled frown on her face. “But as I said, completely off the record, please. Ladybug hasn’t yet decided what to do about her, and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for rumors of discord on the team. Hawkmoth might take advantage!”

“Well.” Alya’s mouth was impossibly dry, yet she forced herself to smile cheerfully. “Any chance you might put in a good word for her getting another chance? Call me sentimental, but I kind of have a soft spot for her.”

“Oh. You’re a fan, huh?” Lila’s lips split into a wide Cheshire smile, her tone indulgent. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Lila noticed Alya’s reaction, but didn’t exactly know WHY she was reacting so strongly. In any case, she was able to offer Alya a way out of a sort. The possibility that she could get Rena Rouge reinstated. Of course, she doesn’t know WHY such a thing is so important to Alya - I’m pretty sure she just thinks that Alya is a HUGE fan of her - but it’s enough that it IS. It’s something she can dangle in front of Alya if need be. Mostly as a passive thing in the background I’d imagine, but if Alya started pushing back against her, she could bring it out actively as a hostage. She doesn’t appear to have had occasion to do that as of Chapter 11; but then again, Alya still fully believes her and hasn’t made any moves against her as of yet.

Which brings us to Chapter 1 (since I’m guessing that the interview takes place before the start of the fic). Chameleon happened a week ago, and Marinette’s trying to follow Adrien’s advice, but it’s still VERY clear that she doesn’t like nor trust Lila. Has been for awhile, judging by the videoconference call with Lila in Heroes Day.

And Alya still doesn’t know WHY. Why Marinette cares so much, especially since there doesn’t seem to be sufficient evidence to say that she’s actually straight-up lying. Lila always has a reasonable explanation for everything. Plus Marinette’s disliked Lila vehemently since the first day. So naturally she leaps to jealousy, since Lila DOES tend to try to hang out with Adrien, and that’s the only thing Alya could think of her that could cause such a severe ongoing reaction from Marinette. Heck, even CHLOE doesn’t earn this level of animosity. But there’s not much chance of Adrien returning Chloe’s affections. Lila, though... she’s (as far as Alya’s aware) someone awesome and trustworthy enough that Ladybug, the most amazing person in existence and Alya’s personal hero, trusts with personal information and is close friends with.

Ladybug doesn’t MAKE mistakes. Not for long at any rate. Ladybug’s actions can seem questionable sometimes, but if you trust that she has a plan and it all will make sense in the end, it always does. She only majorly messed up ONCE, on her first day, and she rectified that quickly. Generally speaking, it’s safest to just assume that Ladybug’s always right, and if she’s doing something that seems odd, that just means that she has a weird convoluted plan and is seeing something you’re not.

Ladybug becoming friends with a secretly horrible person, thinking that she’s trustworthy enough to share secrets with that she won’t share with anyone else? Unthinkable.

But Alya knows that Marinette CAN make mistakes. She did with Adrien on the first day he was at school, and with her impression of Kagami later on. And Marinette’s judgement with Adrien can go right out the window. It’s far more believable that Marinette could make a mistake in judgement - even an ongoing one - and stay hostile than it is for Ladybug to do the same.

Everything hinges on Alya’s (well-founded, though wrong) belief that Ladybug trusts Lila and so Lila is trustworthy by proxy. It turns it from a conflict of “Marinette Vs. Lila” to “Marinette Vs. Lila & Ladybug”. That makes a HUGE difference.

Anyway, Marinette seems to have been attempting to follow Adrien’s advice from Chameleon and just let it go. Just ignore Lila. Which was probably a relief to Alya, though the tension would still be apparent. Alya appears to have taken on a trend of still sitting with Marinette, but attempting to eavesdrop on Lila. Like she WANTED to be with Lila because she was really cool and also might give her some great new info, but she didn’t want to abandon Marinette, especially since she ALREADY seemed to be afraid of losing someone she cared about (Adrien) to Lila. So she stayed sitting with Marinette, but didn’t always give her her full attention.

Having to listen to Lila’s lies is nauseating enough, but what truly spoiled Marinette’s appetite today was the way Alya kept leaning over to the other table to better hear about the exploits of Lila’s BFF Ladybug.

There’s only so many absent-minded hums a girl a can take. Okay, yeah, she gets it – what Marinette had to say wasn’t that interesting, just dumb small-talk about Clara Nightingale’s new album, but–

She’s just so sick of Alya not listening to her.

It’s the best compromise ALya can muster, being pulled between her ambition, Lila, and Ladybug on one end, and her best and closest friend on the other. She still ultimately chooses Marinette, but tries to stay close to Lila as well. She wants BOTH of them.

Unfortunately that DOES mean that Marinette gets slightly shafted. Only slightly though.

Then Marinette blurts out her love confession to Adrien, he rejects her, and Alya shifts into Best-Friend-Of-She-Who-Has-Been-Scorned Protective/Comforting Mode.

She death-glares Adrien for hurting her best friend, even though technically he did nothing wrong. But her best friend is still devastated by his actions nonetheless and she DOES want to protect Marinette as best she can. She doesn’t know that Lila is a genuine threat to Marinette’s happiness and wellbeing. But Adrien? Adrien DEMONSTRABLY just hurt Marinette, even though he did the best he could at the time. Marinette’s too vulnerable to protect herself emotionally from Adrien’s clumsy attempts to reconcile and make things right, so it falls to Alya to try to protect her bestie.

Marinette’s still distraught and tense the next day. Luckily, Alya’s there to help as best she can. She can’t make everything better, but she can still be there for Marinette. And she is.

“It’s going to be okay.” Alya reaches to rub her back, and it feels nice, but it brings Marinette no closer to being okay, because she’s not ever going to be okay again.

Then Lila appears and everything goes sideways.

She appears perfectly saccharine and sweet, offering condolences and sounding bad for Marinette. From Alya’s perspective, it seems like Lila is reaching out to a girl who has scorned and abhorred her for no good reason, commiserating with her even though she has every reason not to care about the pain Marinette’s going through.

Lila even offers a solution to Marinette’s obvious discomfort with sitting behind Adrien, where she has to stare at the back of his head constantly. What was once a bonus is now torture to her. So she offers to change seats so that Marinette can distance herself from him. Something that seems like a generous, well-meaning offer.

Marinette lashes out.

Lila’s gaze slithers to Adrien’s empty seat and back to Marinette, the reassuring smile she’s wearing growing a little wider. “You must be so uncomfortable with him right in front of you. I’ve been thinking…”

She reaches out, fingertips ghosting over Marinette’s shoulder in some horrid mockery of comfort.

“Would you like to switch seats agai–?”

“Don’t touch me!”

Marinette slaps Lila’s hand away from her shoulder, yet the crawling under her skin still lingers. Lila stumbles back, clutching her bandaged wrist to her chest. The classroom falls silent, a dozen pair of eyes glued to the confrontation and holding their breath.

Lila’s eyes fill with tears, her lower lip trembling.

“I…” she chokes out. “I was only trying to help.”

Marinette actually hits Lila, if only lightly. Lila already faking having an injury doesn’t help matters.

Marinette’s the only one who knows that Lila isn’t genuine here. That it’s all an act and that secretly she’s reveling in Marinette’s misery. Marinette and Lila are the only ones who know that Marinette’s response here was justified. From the information everyone ELSE has? It wouldn’t be.

Honestly, Alya’s response here, her actions, are actually really good and pretty much exactly what I’d want her to do... IF the actual situation was what she THINKS it is. Unfortunately, she can only work with the information she actually has.

“Marinette.”

Alya’s reproach cracks like a whip, and something within Marinette just snaps. Whirling around, she snarls at her best friend. “Fine! You want me in the last row that bad, I’ll go to the last row!”

Lila is slumped in Marinette’s seat, crying prettily into her hands, while people crowd around her in comfort.

A loud thump rings out, and Marinette startles, whipping her head around. Alya is slumped in the seat next to her, noisily unpacking her bag.

“What are you doing?” Marinette asks, torn between incredulous and hopeful.

Alya arches an eyebrow as she pulls out her notebook and lays it down in jerky, agitated movements, even as her voice is as smooth as silk. “Moving seats?”

Alya reproaches Marinette because with what Alya knows of the situation, Marinette IS in the wrong. But she still sides with Marinette over Lila, even though Marinette just “hurt” Lila, slightly physically and heavily emotionally, lashing out when it appeared to her that Lila was trying to mend whatever caused Marinette to dislike Lila so heavily. She calls her out slightly, but honestly? Sometimes being a good friend means calling out your friend when they did something wrong.

Alya DOES cut her some slack at least, because Marinette’s CLEARLY still not okay from Adrien’s rejection. Still not in the mood to hear Marinette blame Lila though when from what Alya can see, it’s pretty clear that LILA’S the victim here.

“Lila did that on purpose,” Marinette finally blurts out, and Alya sighs heavily.

“Girl, let’s not.”

“No, she was–“

Alya holds up her palm to interrupt her, and Marinette trails off at the look in her eyes. It’s not accusing, as she’d expected it to be, but rather soft and a little sad.

“I don’t want to fight, Marinette. That was… not cool, but I know you’re in a bad headspace right now, and I don’t want to add to it.”

Alya doesn’t reprimand her beyond that. She’s not gonna let Marinette rag on her new friend and “twist” (again, as far as Alya knows) Lila into being the bad guy, but she’ll still stay with Marinette in solidarity and share snacks she brought especially for Marinette to help her.

The vindictive words sit on the tip of her tongue, and Marinette swallows them with great difficulty. “Thanks,” she says instead, turning her face to stare at the floor because she can’t quite bring herself to smile at her best friend. “For being here.”

Because Alya is here, and is trying to be kind. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?

“No place I’d rather be.” Briefly, her shoulder presses against Marinette’s, and then Alya is fiddling with her bag again, pulling out a chocolate bar and sliding it over. When Marinette shoots her a confused look, Alya grins. “Emergency heartbreak rations. I came prepared.”

And that thoughtfulness does coax a small smile to Marinette’s lips.

Alya helps as much as she can, even offering to talk to Ms. Bustier about rearranging the seating so she and Marinette can sit in the back, something that Marinette was hostile to a moment before - but from Alya, Marinette accepts the suggestion.

Alya’s still fending Adrien off the next day. She’s also just really worried about Marinette, and is trying to protect her as best she can.

Marinette trails behind, pointedly not looking at Adrien. Alya had told him she was going to meet her at the bakery and walk to school together, to keep Akuma-watch. Nino doubts it will do much good and they can’t watch Marinette every second of the day – especially when she decides to just ditch class, like yesterday – but feeling useful keeps Alya from going crazy – crazier – with worry.

She’s extremely worried about Marinette’s well-being and is even kinda mother-henning here, attempting to keep akuma-watch. Alya may not have been happy with what Marinette did yesterday, but she’s still Marinette’s best friend and she wants her to be safe.

Unfortunately, Lila decides to launch a grenade into that. Because Lila.

“Hey, Lila.” Alya greets her with an answering smile, coming to a halt to chat.

“I’m throwing a party this Saturday, you in?”

“Oh, um.” Alya’s gaze darts to Marinette who is very much not stopping to chat. “I… might… already have plans…?”

“Please?” Lila steps closer, pleading. “I want to get to know you all better. Unless…” As Marinette walks past, Lila’s shoulders slump and she sighs. “No, you’re right. It was probably too much to expect you to be friends with both of us.”

“Girl, we are friends!” Alya reassures her, and as Nino watches Marinette silently slink to the last row, somewhere in the back of his mind alarm bells start ringing.

Lila appears to just be the new girl here. Someone whom Marinette has taken a disliking to for very little reason. She’s very understanding and kind, even though Alya is friends with the girl who’s extremely hostile to her for reasons she can’t fathom, who stomps on every olive branch offered her for some unknown transgression.

Alya doesn’t want to shun Lila just because Marinette is. That’s reminscient of a mean girl squad, the members hating particularly people because the leader has taken offense to something about them and expects their followers to follow suit.

And following off the premise that Lila’s lies ARE convincing, with any inconsistencies or contradictions easily being explained away by Lila? Alya hasn’t been given much of a reason for why Marinette hates Lila so much.

Nino’s beginning to have some reservations about Lila though. She basically strong-armed him into DJing, and he’s seen how Marinette reacts to Lila. While Alya has also seen how Marinette acts and reacts to Lila, she’s missing some vital knowledge; how Marinette looks and behaves when she’s being bullied without recourse. He knows that Marinette’s behavior around Lila now is similar to Marinette’s behavior around Chloe before the start of this school year, when she didn’t know how to push back against her bully.

Alya only arrived at the beginning of the school year. She only saw Marinette being forced to put up with Chloe’s crap for a day before she started showing her feistier side - thanks in part to Alya’s influence. What’s obvious to the audience and to Nino isn’t so obvious to her, since she’s missing that context.

Nino’ chastises Alya over text for agreeing to go to Lila’s party. Alya just didn’t see a way out of the party without hurting Lila’s feelings. When Nino points out that now MARINETTE’S feelings are hurt, since she’s not invited - the ONLY person in class who’s not invited in fact - Alya’s clearly hurt and frustrated.

You can’t blame Lila for not inviting someone who’s been nothing but mean to her

im not blaming

i’m saying this sucks

I know!!!

Don’t you think I know that? :/

God I wish they’d just work out their stupid drama

Shit I think Mme Bustier just saw me gonna put my phone away rq

Alright I apologized to Marinette

She told me she’s okay with it

Alya’s being stretched thin. She WANTS to stick with Marinette, to believe in and protect her best friend, but all the evidence that she can see and interpret points to Marinette being mean to Lila for no good reason. Which isn’t LIKE her, but Alya doesn’t see a lot of other options. She just wants this over with and for Marinette and Lila to reconcile from whatever caused this animosity so that things can be OK. Because this whole situation is unpleasant for everyone involved... except Lila, but Alya doesn’t know that.

The next day rolls around and Alya comes get Marinette - probably still on Akuma Watch. Plus Alya has a conversation she needs to have with Marinette... which would honestly negate the value of having a friend walk her to school watching for akumas. Though Alya doesn’t know just how BADLY this conversation is gonna go.

“Nuh-uh. I’m not leaving without you, so my fate is in your hands, Marinette.”

Isn’t it always?

This is kinda a funny thing actually. Here Marinette’s probably thinking about how EVERYONE’S fate is in her hands because she’s Ladybug, but narratively it’s BIGGER than that. Marinette has the most information in this whole situation besides MAYBE Lila, and by FAR the most ability to affect things. She has the knowledge and the ability to act on that knowledge to tip the balance and achieve better outcomes. She knows what Alya thinks of Ladybug and that Alya believes that Lila is Ladybug’s BFF. The only information she’s lacking is that Alya actually has good reason to BELIEVE Lila about that.

Problem is she doesn’t have the perspective to really reason through Alya’s decisions and to see what she sees. Especially since it would require her to imagine Lila as a good, kind person whom she herself is unfairly hostile towards. She KNOWS what the real situation is, but seeing the situation from Alya’s point of view requires her to put herself through such mental contortions that she just... can’t. Especially since she’s super stressed right now anyway.

Which means that when Alya talks about the “truce” she’s negotiated with Lila, Marinette has NO patience for thinking through how all of this plays out in Alya’s eyes. Especially this early in the morning.

Satisfied, Alya smiles, and continues. “So, I really thought it wasn’t fair to you to not be there when the entire class gets the chance to go. I understand that you two don’t like each other and want as little interaction as possible. And that’s fair. But for stuff like this, which are essentially group events, Lila has agreed to never exclude or antagonize you – if you extend her the same courtesy.”

Her tired brain needs a moment to process this, and when it does, the cereal in her stomach starts a rebellion, demanding the way up her throat.

And then, just as suddenly, the revolutionary fervor dissipates.

“So,” Marinette says, every word clipped and carefully enunciated. “You want me to let Lila tag along to every event that I organize.”

Alya shakes her head. “I mean, obviously not when it’s just you and me, but for something like this party, or girl’s night out, just stuff that’s big enough where purposeful exclusion gets hurtful…” She trails off, pressing her lips together in disapproval at whatever must be written on Marinette’s face. “Come on. It’s a fair offer.”

“I suppose it is.”

As silence elongates, Alya decides to prod her. “And…?”

“And I’m not interested,” Marinette says.

Honestly, what Alya’s worked out IS very fair for what she believes - and honestly has decent REASON to believe - the situation is. She can’t stop the animosity between Marinette and Lila, not when she can’t identify a cause that makes sense, but maybe she can stop it from getting worse. If Lila was the type of person that Alya believes she is based on what she’s seen of her behavior and what she believes about her connection to Ladybug, then this would be the kind of compromise that would probably work. Because both of them would be kind and decent people at their core who really SHOULD by all rights get along great, but there’s some unknown thing that’s causing them to fight.

Unfortunately that’s NOT the true situation.

Marinette can see Alya’s thought process here. She can see it from Alya’s perspective. But at this point she’s just so done with compromising and putting her own needs and wants on the back burner that she just... doesn’t care.

Exhaling in frustration, Alya squeezes her eyes shut, likely fighting to keep her composure. Marinette can almost see her thought process. The kid gloves need to stay on. Can’t be mean to the recently-rejected potential Akuma-victim with an irrational hatred for poor, innocent Lila.

Marinette watches the struggle with a strangely detached sort of interest. She knows she should be feeling something. Might have exploded if this conversation had happened yesterday.

Marinette has enough information about what Alya’s like and what she knows to see her viewpoint. She just can’t empathize with her right now. Because she’s just SO frustrated with Alya and everyone and SO done. She doesn’t have enough bandwidth to put herself in Alya’s shoes and try to manipulate the situation to one that’s better for everyone.

Whatever it is, looking at her best friend inspires none of the highs and lows it usually does. No warm glow of joy at having her around, and no agonizing splinter burrowing its way into her heart either. Only one thought is left.

You’re not fighting for me.

So what’s the point of fighting for you?

While Alya IS fighting for Marinette, it’s not to the extent or in the way that Marinette wants. Because to Alya, she’s trying to mediate between two good forces that inexplicably detest each other. Or... no. Maybe more accurately, two good forces where one of them inexplicably hates the other and the other wonders what they did to piss the other off. But while Marinette SEES that Alya thinks that’s the real situation, she doesn’t have the bandwidth to internalize that knowledge.

Based on what Alya knows, she’s actually handling the situation about as well as I could hope a fourteen-year-old to navigate it. But there’s a lot she DOESN’T know and that’s biting her right now.

Because for Marinette, even though intellectually she knows how Alya views the situation, emotionally she’s seeing the situation as it ACTUALLY is, with Alya asking her to invite this horrible person who wants nothing more than to make her suffer to her own events, in exchange for being able to go to Lila’s. And for that situation, Alya ISN’T fighting enough or in the right way.

Alya actually lays out her perspective pretty clearly, in case there was any doubt.

“God, Marinette, this isn’t like you. Why are you doing this?” Alya’s eyes are growing shiny, voice rising. “Are you really asking me to ostracize some girl who’s done nothing wrong just because you don’t like her? Is this the type of mean girl shit we’re at now? Do you want me to go up to Lila and tell her I’m not going to her stupid party after all? You know I changed schools to get away from bullshit like that!”

This really makes me wonder what kind of circumstances Alya went through in the past. Honestly she’s actually navigating this whole conflict surprisingly well so far I think, based on what she knows and believes about the situation. From this, I’m wondering whether Marinette was Alya’s first friend that she’d count as a close friend, one who she doesn’t just enjoy spending time around, but who she values closely, who isn’t just a fair weather friend and who will BE there for Alya, and who Alya will be there for in turn.

Because even though it doesn’t seem like it to Marinette right now, Alya IS being there for her as best she can. Being a good friend doesn’t just mean going along with anything your friend says, does, or thinks. That’s Sabrina’s “friendship” with Chloe. It also means trying to help when your friend is struggling. Trying to give help and support when you can, while also keeping them from causing harm while they’re lashing out. It can mean standing up to your friends. And from what Alya knows of the situation? This IS the kind of situation where you’d offer support and try to compromise, but ultimately put your foot down if they were causing harm to anyone else.

Really the only thing I might fault Alya for here is her assumption that Marinette’s acting this way because she’s jealous. But honestly? I think that’s just Alya’s desperate way of trying to understand, to reconcile the girl she knows with what she’s seen of Marinette the past few weeks. Because the alternative is that either Marinette’s changed from the girl Alya used to know, or that she’s always been like this and wasn’t as nice and friendly and just overall good as Alya thought. Which is why Alya says that this isn’t like Marinette and asks why she’s doing this. She doesn’t want it to be one of those two reasons, but now she’s beginning to think that it might be. At least if it was jealousy all of this would make SENSE to Alya.

“Because the one and only demand I do have is that you believe me when I say Lila is a bad person.” As she speaks, certainty hardens within. Yes. This is what she wants, and she will accept nothing less. “That’s not something I can compromise on.”

This is a LOT to ask without good reason. Marinette has that reason. Alya doesn’t.

“Where is y–“

“Fuck the evidence.”

Alya rears back, eyes wide.

A tiny nudge, that’s all it would take. Lila has built a house of cards just waiting to collapse. One transformation into Ladybug and a casual interview with a certain blogger would undo her.

Marinette holds the key to ending all this. All this pain, all this frustration, gone, just like that. Vindicated at last. And she could do it tonight, never mind what Adrien told her.

But that won’t really make things turn back to normal, will it?

Because it’s not about the evidence. It never was.

“I’m asking that you trust me, Alya.”

And when the girl meant to be her best friend hesitates, that’s all the answer Marinette needs. She turns to walk to school, and ignores Alya’s pleas for peace.

From Marinette’s perspective, this makes sense and is right. And objectively, the reader has enough information to know that she IS right.

But from a different perspective?

MARINETTE is the one lashing out at Lila for seemingly no good reason.

MARINETTE is the one accusing Lila of lying without sufficient evidence.

MARINETTE is the one asking Alya to believe that Lila is a horrible person without having a damn good reason to believe it.

If this was the other way around - if Lila had been around since the beginning of the school year, and Marinette had transferred in, and their personalities and moral alignments were the same - would it really have reflected well on Alya if she had sided with Lila the same way she’s siding with Marinette generally and trying to fix things? Would it have reflected well if Lila asked her to just TRUST her that Marinette is a bad person with no evidence to back it up, and Alya had believed her and started shunning Marinette for that reason?

The reader and Marinette know that Lila’s evil. But Alya DOESN’T. And Marinette simply SAYING that she’s evil isn’t sufficient reason for Alya to believe it.

They spend the first half of the school day in silence, Marinette giving her bench partner the cold shoulder. Alya alternates between trying to get Marinette’s attention, growing frustrated and mirroring the silent treatment, only to try again. The cycle repeats.

Eventually, as lunch break comes to a close, she slides more chocolate Marinette’s way.

It’s a Swiss brand.

And Marinette laughs. Laughs and laughs, until Alya’s hopeful expression turns into one of concern, clearly wondering whether she should be calling for the school nurse.

When she recovers from her laughing fit, Marinette collects her prize, because why not, and smiles like a shark. “Thanks, Switzerland.”

Thinking she’s in on the joke, Alya’s shoulders sag in relief, and she laughs politely to break the tension.

Alya still doesn’t want to lose Marinette as a friend. And honestly? Here I’m kinda impressed that ALYA wasn’t the one giving Marinette the silent treatment. Because from what she knows of the situation, Marinette’s in the wrong. But she REALLY doesn’t want to lose Marinette.

And even after that fight, Alya wants to be with Marinette and comfort her and hang out with her, to offer her emotional support and be her friend, even though she doesn’t understand what’s going on with Marinette.

The bell rings and the class immediately starts chattering about tomorrow’s party – where to meet, what to wear and who to share a ride with. Marinette barely takes notice, lost in her daydream. She only starts paying attention when she nearly trips down the stairs, only saved by Alya’s quick reflexes.

They stare at each other for a long moment, Alya’s hand still on her shoulder, and then Marinette is suddenly being crushed in a hug.

“Want to hang out on Sunday?” Alya murmurs near her ear.

“Family plans,” Marinette lies, and then lies some more by wrapping her arms around Alya in return.

Kind of a side note, but I love Alya catching her when she falls and offering Marinette emotional comfort with a hug. Alya IS supporting Marinette, even if Marinette’s not really in the headspace to recognize it right now.

Alya’s text messages with Nino give more insight into her thought process as she tries to navigate the situation she finds herself in. She doesn’t want to skip the party and lose Lila as a friend, but she doesn’t want to go and hurt Marinette further either.

She’s still trying to figure out WHY Marinette hates Lila so much. Because from what she knows of Marinette and Lila, it doesn’t make much sense. At this point, she thinks that it has to do with Marinette getting a bad early impression of Lila and it sticking, because that’s something she can at least sorta see causing this that doesn’t completely go against what she knows of Marinette or Lila.

Nino floats that Marinette might have a reason, but simply saying that doesn’t really give much insight into what that reason IS nor whether it actually IS a good reason. Jealousy is the best reason Alya can come up with, so she goes with that. Because that’s the only thing that might cause Marinette to lose her head for seemingly little reason, from what Alya can see.

Nino brings up that since Adrienette has thoroughly sunk, that that’s probably not the reason anymore. But Alya has a counterargument.

First: lasting impression

Second: if Adrien got together with Lila NOW, that would be like THE ultimate blow to her self esteem

Honestly, those are somewhat reasonable. And it’s not like Alya has a better explanation. Even if Alya DID know that Lila was a liar, it still wouldn’t explain Marinette’s sheer level of animosity towards Lila. She doesn’t know that Lila is actively targeting Marinette, nor that one of Lila’s most pervasive lies revolves AROUND Marinette. Heck, LILA doesn’t even know the second one.

Right now Alya’s trying to thread a needle. She texts Lila later to tell her she’s skipping the party, she’s sorry but she really doesn’t want Marinette to be akumatized, and tries to reassure Lila that Marinette really is a very nice person.

About tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it. Please, please don’t take this personally, I’m just super worried about Marinette getting akumatized! This thing with Adrien hit her hard

It’s just going to be this one time

Okay :(

I mean I get where you’re coming from

But I have to be honest, it feels really shitty of Marinette to be throwing around ultimatums like this

I promise she’s not usually like this

THIS is how Alya’s trying to stand up for Marinette. By trying to protect her feelings even when she thinks she’s wrong, and trying to put out fires from the bridges she thinks Marinette’s burning with Lila. Just because she’s not standing up for Marinette in the way that Marinette WANTS her to, doesn’t mean she’s not doing it. If the situation was the way that Alya perceives it to be, this would be the kind of “fighting for” that Marinette would NEED, even if it’s not the response she’d WANT.

Luckily by the time Monday rolled around Alya turned out to be fine with missing the party, since it meant she was there to see Ladybug and Chat Noir play tag all over the city.

Alya’s still being super careful and considerate with Marinette, trying her best not to exacerbate any of her stress points, so long as doing so doesn’t hurt anyone else. For instance, she tries not to talk about LadyNoir too much because she’s fears that talking about romance might bring up her heartbreak again. Something which Marinette recognizes.

Marinette frowns, suspicious of her stubborn friend’s sudden acquiescence. Alya can wax lyrical about the beauty of the SS LadyNoir for hours, and no amount of naysaying on Marinette’s part has ever cut it short. Why–

Oh.

No discussing romance with the heartbroken girl.

Even later - and I don’t know whether this is later that same day or a few days later, not that it matters much - Alya’s still in “pamper her bestie to help her through heartbreak” mode.

“…ave time for movie night?” Alya asks, the cheer in her voice just a tad too forced. “Just you, me, some snacks, and a whole lot of self-care.”

Marinette hesitates, but then there’s a smile in her words. “Yes. That sounds really nice actually.”

She also subtly fends off Adrien, since she KNOWS that Marinette isn’t ready to face him yet.

“What kind of movie did you have in mind?” Marinette asks.

“Your choice, girl.” And then, as if sensing his scrutiny, Alya’s narrowed eyes fixate on Adrien. “But I was thinking something without any dumb boys in it.”

Sadly Alya’s STILL desperately trying to reconcile Lila and Marinette, something which just plain won’t work and she can’t understand WHY. Based on the information she has about both of them they SHOULD be able to get along just fine. So she texts Lila and tries to get her to “allow” Marinette to come to her girl’s night, even though Marinette won’t reciprocate.

So I hate to bring this topic up again

But can we invite Marinette too?

Now I know what you’re thinking but she’s in a much better headspace now! I won’t deny that she’s been super rude to you but I swear if you two could just get to know each other I’m certain she’ll change her mind about you. And Marinette’s not the type of person who shies away from taking responsibility for bad behavior, she’ll apologize for sure.

Not that you’re obligated to forgive her

Alya IS fighting for Marinette. She’s fighting for her not to lose out on potential friendships, and to not become the kind of person who her classmates will shun because she’s being mean to Lila for seemingly no reason.

This whole feud makes no sense to Alya, but she’s trying HARD to fix things anyway, to include Marinette as much as she can and to keep her from being left out, even though she thinks Marinette is wrong about Lila. Even though she has REASON to believe that Marinette is wrong about Lila.

Honestly writing this whole thing makes me wonder what Marinette would do if she and Alya had swapped places, had swapped what they did and didn’t know. I’m guessing Alya at least would’ve been a lot more aggressive than Marinette’s been, though I dunno what Marinette would do under such circumstances.

Alya texts Marinette and tells her that Lila extended an invitation without any strings attached, but Marinette still shot her down, saying she wanted nothing to do with her. Alya doesn’t push her too hard on that at least, instead noting that she’s been withdrawn lately, and letting her know that people miss her when she’s missing. Letting her know that people CARE about her and notice when she’s not there or isn’t herself, and then reminding her to engage in self-care and not to work too hard.

I will maintain that based on what she knows and believes of the situation, Alya is actually being a pretty awesome friend to Marinette. She can only operate on the information she has though.

Marinette tells Alya that she’d like her to stop trying to get her to hang out with Lila, and Alya appears to accept that.

alya

i know you reaching out is coming from a well-meaning place

and i do appreciate that

but i’d appreciate it more if you stopped trying to get me to hang out with lila

I get that

It’s just

It looks like Lila is going to make girl’s night a regular thing

I don’t want you to be left out, Marinette

Marinette at least KNOWS what Alya’s trying to accomplish. She knows both the situation and the people involved well enough to put that together. But she has no bandwidth to do more than realize where Alya’s coming from. She has a way of changing things, of giving Alya the information she needs to figure out how to proceed better, but sh doesn’t WANT to just hand Alya all the information about how much of a liar and a terrible person Lila is. She wants Alya to just trust her implicitly, evidence or no evidence. A point of view that makes sense with what Marinette has gone through, but not a terribly realistic one.

Huh. Actually I wonder whether part of that may come from Marinette being Ladybug? Because the whole city trusts her unquestioningly, and Chat in particular will go along with anything she says to do, no matter whether what she says makes sense or not or even whether it goes against what they try to do, like giving up and handing over their Miraculouses. And while intellectually she may know that as Marinette, there’s not much more reason for people to have that level of unquestioning trust in her as a civilian than they do in any other ordinary person, emotionally it still would hurt since she’s the same person either way, even though she’s the only one who knows that.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand: Alya.

Lila tries to manipulate Nino into DJing the party for free again, but he sees through her tactics, especially when she becomes more manipulative about it. Unfortunately Alya isn’t there to see exactly how Lila ‘asks’ him to do so, to see how clearly she’s being manipulative.

This incident gives Nino some of the evidence of Lila being a bad person that Alya sorely needs and is lacking in. Nino has directly seen and experienced how clearly manipulative Lila is. But Alya still hasn’t yet.

Nino wants to try to persuade Alya that Lila isn’t what she seems. Unfortunately, he’s not as good at clearly laying out and arguing his reasoning as Alya is without having lots of time to come up with stuff in advance, and Alya’s extremely curious by nature and wants to know what Nino needs to talk to her about. So she ends up pressing him into conversation before he’s ready, though she does at least TRY to restrain herself at first.

Unfortunately Alya’s frustrated and isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to more anti-Lila talk without some very good reasoning and evidence to back it up. She’s been through a lot of that with Marinette lately, who she’s kinda had to walk on eggshells around. She wasn’t expecting it from Nino too.

And while she’s willing to walk on eggshells around Marinette, especially with how much she’s still hurting from Adrien’s rejection, she doesn’t have the patience to do so around Nino, who has served as a third-party to this conflict that Alya’s found herself in the middle of, someone she could vent to and discuss this openly with. Him so thoroughly taking sides changes that, eliminating her main support.

So she lashes out in her frustration.

“It’s different with Lila,” he says. “Marinette hates her, Alya. And I’m starting to see why.”

“Oh, right. Because of the,” Alya raises her hands and curls her fingers into air quotes, “bad vibes.”

Golden eyes narrow, and Nino’s voice grows colder than Alya has ever heard it before. “I told you I wasn’t ready to have this conversation. Don’t mock me for not being at my most eloquent when you’re the one choosing to put me on the spot.”

“I’m not mocking y–“

“Yes. You are. And you always do this–”

“No, I don’t!”

“–but just because I’m not as good at debate as you are, that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot!”

Alya flinches and silence falls as he looks as taken aback by his outburst as she feels.

This has clearly been building for awhile. And Alya can see the truth in Nino’s words here. She’s not MEANING to hurt him. But she’s doing it accidentally.

This kind of thing has been happening a lot with Alya lately. She’s hurting the people she cares about by accident and she doesn’t know how to fix it. Though she at least TRIES to here, calming down and attempting to listen more openly and not to cut him off prematurely.

“Okay,” she says soothingly, and reaches to take his hand. It lies limp and unresponsive in her grasp, even when she squeezes. “I’m listening.”

He gazes at her for a long moment, then makes another frustrated noise. “Look. I understand why you don’t want to have to choose, but Marinette is really hurting over this. Don’t you realize this could drive a real wedge between you two?”

“Of course I realize that!” Recognizing that she just raised her voice, she tempers it to be more gentle. “Why do you think I’m trying so hard to fix it?”

“And how’s that working out?”

Alya is trying and trying and TRYING, but nothing she’s doing is helping and she doesn’t know what to do. And just telling her that Marinette’s hurting and it might drive a wedge between them doesn’t help. Alya KNOWS this. She doesn’t need it reiterated. She needs more information, because right now she’s just being told to choose based on nothing but her friends’ words, and not even about anything specific.

Notably, Lila has NOT tried to force such a choice on Alya... yet. And honestly? If Alya was describing this situation to an outsider, even trying to be as fair as possible about it, it would very much sound like Lila was in the right and like Marinette and Nino were being bad friends for trying to force her to make this choice simply based on them not liking Lila for unspecified reasons without evidence, while Lila’s actually willing to reach out.

I had to deal with a few manipulative friends growing up, the type who tried to use the whole “if you don’t do X I won’t be your friend anymore” tactic. This sort of reminds me of that, at least from what Alya is experiencing. Her friends are trying to make her choose them and throw Lila under a bus and at least implying that they might cut off their friendship with her if she doesn’t. And the reason right now basically boils down to “because I’ll be upset if you don’t”.

Granted, that’s partly on Alya for not letting Nino gather his thoughts sufficiently to actually make an argument, but still.

“But Lila’s not malicious,” Alya says, and cannot help but let her frustration bleed into her tone. “And it’s not fair to ask me to write her off as that with no evidence. She’s Ladybug’s best friend, for god’s sake! Ladybug isn’t friends with bad people!”

I really love Alya here. Because honestly? She’s right. And it’s not like anyone ELSE has been asked to write Lila off without evidence. Nino and Marinette didn’t write her off until they personally experienced evidence that she’s a terrible person. Getting upset with Alya for not doing the same when she HASN’T received such evidence may make sense emotionally, but it ISN’T fair.

And then of course, Ladybug gets tangled up in this whole mess. Well, technically she has been from the beginning, but it’s not like Alya KNOWS that Marinette is Ladybug, so for her they count as two completely separate relationships.

Here Alya DOES genuinely stumble. I don’t blame her for believing that Lila is Ladybug’s BFF, she’s been given very good evidence that she is, and it’s not like she’s been given much opportunity to ask Ladybug about Lila - or ANYTHING - lately. But her priorities are getting skewed.

“Nino!” Alya shouts. “If you’re going to ask me to trust your gut feeling, then how about you consider trusting mine! Ladybug is actively going out of her way not to acknowledge me!” Miserably wrapping her arms around her waist, she whispers, “She always used to – to give me a wink, or a nod, or something. But now she just swings away, even when I know I caught her attention.”

Nino takes a deep breath, hesitantly reaching to brush his fingers along her shoulder. “Look, babe, I get it, you know I do. Being a hero is fun and all, but–“

“Fun?” Alya repeats incredulously. “Fun? Nino, it’s a dream come true! And you can’t ask me to give that up and antagonize Ladybug’s best friend because you and Marinette got bad vibes. That’s not a fair thing to ask!”

“Yeah, well,” Nino says, gaze growing cold again. “Life’s not fair. And I didn’t take you for the kind of person who’d sacrifice her friends for ambition.”

Now it seems like Alya’s choosing between friendship and sucking up to Lila in order to be a superhero again. I don’t think that’s what she really means - certainly as the ONLY reason for Alya’s reluctance to antagonize Lila without good reason - but NINO’S taking it that way right now, and that IS the reason she just stated. It certainly plays a factor, though even without that angle, I doubt that Alya would just shun Lila because Nino and Marinette don’t like her without being provided with more of a reason. But it probably ups her standards of evidence, because she has more to lose if it turns out that Nino and Marinette are wrong.

She rears back, choking on an angry yell. Heavy silence falls, a crushing weight on her shoulders broken only by their harsh breathing.

“…you don’t mean that,” she whispers.

He exhales, shaking his head. “I don’t. But babe – whether you’re aware of it or not, this is the path you’re on. And I want to have your back, but there’s only so far I can go with you.”

God, has he ever looked at her like this before? So – so disappointed?

Blinking back the hurt, she reaches for his hand again. “Alright, can we just – just stop? Please? Let’s forget this happened, okay?”

Thing is, Alya’s STUCK at this point. She’s losing everyone and everything she cares about and her attempts to fix it only make things worse and she doesn’t know what’s going on or what to do and everyone’s mad at her and SHE JUST WANTS THINGS TO BE OK AGAIN.

Alya and Nino become akumatized into Oblivio due to how upset Alya is and how much she just wants to forget that argument ever happened. When she wakes up, Ladybug and Chat Noir are kissing, like in canon. So she snaps a photo.

I honestly don’t blame her for that, either in the fic OR canon. She just woke up and the first thing she sees is her OTP kissing, there hasn’t really been an opportunity for her higher brain functions to engage. Her actions afterwards carry a lot more weight.

Chat Noir and Ladybug realize what happened and Ladybug flees, even as Alya calls out to her.

His somersaulting thoughts are interrupted by the beep of Ladybug’s earrings. She blinks as if coming out of a trance, then whispers, “I have to go.”

“No, Ladybug, please wait!” Alya calls out, rushing forward, but his Lady has already leapt away.

And she doesn’t look back. At either of them.

Alya WANTS to talk to Ladybug, presumably to try to straighten out the whole mess with Heroes Day and maybe to get confirmation that Lila IS Ladybug’s BFF, since Nino doubted it. Sadly she doesn’t get the opportunity. Alya thinks that Ladybug in part might have been fleeing her because she’s mad at her, and honestly? She might not be totally wrong there.

Alya and Nino talk after Ladybug leaves.

Alya blinks, Nino’s voice pulling her out of her reverie, and she turns to look over her shoulder. He’s looking at her with concern with his eyes – probably because she’s been standing motionless, doing nothing but silently stare at the roof’s edge.

Ladybug hadn’t even looked back.

“Told you she’s mad at me,” Alya says with a brittle smile, and regrets it instantly when Nino’s expression grows hooded. What is she doing? She just got the two of them Akumatized and the first words out of her mouth directed at him are about how she’s right.

“I don’t think that was about you,” he says stiffly.

Right now it just seems like everything Alya says and does is WRONG and she KNOWS her friends are hurting but she doesn’t know how to fix things. Everyone’s mad at her and she has nowhere to turn. Nino was the one person who wasn’t at least sort of upset with her, and now he is too. And she just can’t stop making mistakes that just upset the people around her more and more.

And then there’s the matter of the picture Alya just took.

“Hopefully,” she murmurs, clutching her phone to her chest. For all that she managed to capture a priceless scoop, sure to set the internet aflame, it doesn’t feel like a triumph at all.

Will Ladybug be angry if she publishes it? Angrier?

Maybe she should consult Lila, she’ll know what Ladybug would be comfortable with…

Alya really wants to publish it, but she wants to check first. She can’t ask Ladybug, so she wants to ask Lila, which honestly is reasonable. It’s really, REALLY tempting to just post it, but she doesn’t want to upset Ladybug more than she already has.

Chat torpedoes that.

“I wish.” His lips twitch in amusement. “No, I was reminded I had to do something. So, Alya, right? Can I borrow your phone?”

“Um.” She glances down at her treasured companion, screen still displaying The Kiss that would undoubtedly cement her blog’s reputation as the number one source for Ladynoir-related news. Alya rarely lends her phone to anyone, not even her friends who are used to her overprotective ways at this point. Yet unwilling to deny one of the heroes of Paris a request when she’s already on thin ice, she finds herself holding it out toward Chat Noir. “Sure.”

Claws clacking against the protective case, he plucks it from her hand. The slight frown on his expression melts away as soon as he catches a glimpse of the photo she managed to capture. His gaze darts hungrily over the screen, pupils growing wide and round. A wistful smile plays at his lips as he stares for a long moment, enraptured.

Then his thumb taps on the display.

“Annnd deleted.”

“What!?” Alya shrieks, snatching the phone back at once. Nonono, he can’t have–

“My Lady is a private person,” Chat Noir says, both his smile and his voice gaining a sharp edge as he turns to leave. “Journalism is all well and good, but nobody likes a paparazzi.”

She DOES at least hand her phone over, if only reluctantly. Though she’d probably have been a lot MORE reluctant in that case, considering how hesitant she was to hand over the Fox Miraculous after the first time. She still did it though.

She freaks out afterwards, having not had any preparation for what was coming and having the one positive of what just happened snatched away.

And while Chat has a point about paparazzi, Alya’s not exactly in a position to think calmly about what happened and re-evaluate her eagerness to post a private moment I think. She might realize that they were right, but her headspace right now... I don’t know. Because now she’s pretty clearly seen it demonstrated that BOTH the Heroes of Paris are unhappy with her in some capacity. She doesn’t HAVE anyone.

Actually it sorta makes me think of Marinette, how she can see Alya’s point-of-view on the whole Lila situation but is unable to sympathize with it at all due to her own mental bandwidth being near capacity. Really all of these kids just need a freaking BREAK.

That’s as far as “Lies We Tell (Ourselves)” has gotten so far. Honestly after really digging into the nitty-gritty of Alya’s character arc so far, I think she’s actually handled the Lila-Marinette situation better than could be reasonably expected, considering the information she’s operating off of. I don’t know whether anyone else knowing only what she knows would have done better. She DOES need to improve on her relations with Ladybug and being a hero, but part of that seems to be ambition going to her head a little, and needing a reminder that Ladybug isn’t just a celebrity, she’s a person too. Those are reminders that adults often need as well honestly.

Hopefully she remembers what being a hero REALLY means. Because anyone can get a little lost sometimes, but she needs something to tell her what she can do that’s RIGHT. Alya’s perfectly willing to stand up to bullies and protect her friends, but when it’s not clear who’s the bully and who’s the friend? Not so easy.

I actually feel really bad for Alya right now. Because while Marinette has lamented how no one fights for her, Alya’s actually experiencing that right now more than Marinette was. She doesn’t have a friend like Chat to run to and seek comfort from. Everyone she’s close to is mad at her for one reason or another and she can’t fix it, however much she wants to.

I hope things work out for her. She needs to re-examine her reasons for wanting to be a superhero, but aside from that, she really HAS done everything right or as close to right as is reasonable based on what she knows. And that’s all ANYONE can do.

#lies we tell (ourselves)#alya cesaire #ml analysis #miraculous ladybug #my analysis #long post

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veorlian · 5 years ago

Text

It Takes Two

Partially inspired by this post. Full link on ao3.

“Andraste’s pressed silk knickers, Garrett, you’re not fighting the Arishok.”

“Aww c’mon Marian, look at me; I’m shredded.”

“He’s easily 300 pounds. What’s your plan, running around the room until he gets tired?”

“…maybe.”

The Tale of the Champion varies widely. Sometimes the hero is a mage, other times a warrior or a rogue. Sometimes they are diplomatic and kind, others snarky or scathing. But there is always only one hero, one Hawke. As it happens, this is wrong.

Or, the one where Garrett and Marian are twins and chaos ensues.

There is a common cliché, with twins, that they have some unspoken telepathic connection with one another, or that they have some spooky, unnatural vibe. Garrett and Marian Hawke, so far as they were aware, didn’t have that. But boy did they sure like pretending they did to fuck with the locals in Lothering, and later Kirkwall. Merrill was convinced they could read each other’s mind for a full six months before they took pity on her and told her the truth.

They’d always been together. Garrett couldn’t remember a time where he didn’t have Marian hot on his heels, fresh from sowing chaos in the Hawke household, both cackling as their father raced after them. Talking with Marian was as easy as breathing, and being a sarcastic little shit with Marian was easier still. Whereas Carver and Bethany were a study in opposites, Garrett and Marian were two halves of a whole idiot. When they moved through the alleys of Lowtown and the hills of the Wounded Coast, they always did so together, regardless of who they brought with them.

“Another one for the dwarf! How many have you got, Hawke?” Varric yelled over the sounds of battle.

“21 for me,” Garrett shouted back.

“Shit, I only have 17,” shouted Marian.

“What can I say, I have a gift.”

“You can cast fireball, that’s cheating!”

“Sorry sister, alas, not everyone can be as dashing and talented as I.”

“I don’t think dashing and talented are the right words for someone who slipped and fell on their ass trying to reach spindleweed earlier,” Marian said, mowing through a horde of enemies with her comically large greatsword.

“Cheap words from the woman who burped in front of the viscount the other day,” said Garrett, smashing a group of mercenaries into the ground with a wave of force magic.

“That’s a low blow, Garrett.”

“You’re too short for a high one.”

“I’m only two inches shorter you jackass.”

“What’s that? I can’t hear you from all the way up here.”

They ended up back-to-back. They fought together like a well-oiled machine, and any enemies that got too close to the other were always blown back or sliced cleanly in half..

“Oi, Anders!” Marian said on one occasion. They were fighting their way through Hightown, because for whatever inexplicable reason criminals saw a heavily armoured group of adventurers and decided that they would make a great target.

“Yes?” Anders replied.

“Do you want to get a drink with my brother later?”

“…are you…are you asking out Anders for me?” Garrett asked.

“No, I’m asking for Carver,” she said sarcastically. “Of course I’m asking for you.”

“Can a man not quietly pine for someone in peace around here?” Garrett complained, neatly ducking out of the way of an incoming sword and slashing at his attacker with the end of his staff.

“Go pine somewhere else, the hormones are making my hair stand on end.”

“Your hair does that anyways.”

“We have the same hair.”

“Yeah, but I make it work. You look like a wet mabari.”

“You smell like a wet mabari.”

“I’d like to get a drink,” Anders interrupted. Garrett paused mid-way through his comeback.

“Oh, well, um alright then,” he said, suddenly unsure, the tips of his ears turning red. “8 o’clock at The Hanged Man tomorrow?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” said Anders, throwing up a barrier around Marian as she charged into a cluster of nearby enemies with reckless abandon.

It was different, after the Deep Roads. Bethany and Carver left with the Grey Wardens, and Leandra made it clear in no uncertain terms that she held her eldest children responsible for the loss. When Garrett and Marian laughed together, it was subdued, and their rapier-sharp wit became more defensive, a mask that they held up to protect themselves and one another. Still, they had each other, and they had their friends, and occasionally that same spark of humour shone through.

“Well, one of us is going to have to change,” said Garrett. Their casual clothes for home had been ordered from the same tailor, and as it turned out he only worked in one design.

“Regrettably, brother dear, it looks far better on me,” Marian replied.

“I’m so sorry to hear that your eyesight is going, sister, because anyone with two working eyes can see that I look phenomenal.”

“Shall we put it to a vote?”

“Race you to The Hanged Man?”

“Eat my dust.”

It was, as always, a tie. Anders had voted for Garrett, Varric had voted for Marian, and Fenris and Isabela had voted for both. Merrill refused to take part because she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Aveline had rolled her eyes and left.

“Betrayed again,” said Marian dramatically, holding a hand against her forehead as though she were going to faint away. “Varric is my only true friend.”

“Damn straight,” said the dwarf, laughing.

“Run away with me, Varric, we don’t need these heartless people,” she said, still mock-swooning, only half joking.

“And have to live outside? You’re on your own, Hawke.”

“Et tu, Varric?” she asked. “I am met with betrayal on every side.”

“I’ll go with you, Marian!” Merrill piped up. Marian smiled and patted her on the hand.

“Varric, you’ve been replaced as my best friend,” she announced.

“You wound me, Hawke, my heart will never recover,” Varric chuckled.

“You should’ve thought of that before you chose insulation over me,” Marian replied. They’d laughed, and drank far more than was good for them, and as always Marian had struggled to convince herself that she loved Varric as a strictly platonic friend.

“You should tell him how you feel,” Garrett said once they were home.

“Oh because you’re a perfect model of expressing your love to someone?” Marian replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Oi, it’s not my fault you beat me to it.”

“After years of pining after each other.”

“Pot, meet kettle. I’m sure you’ve met each other.”

“Anyways, he said he’s been spoken for,” Marian said.

“Then he’s a fool,” Garrett replied. Marian snorted.

“Pot, kettle, I assume you’ve met?” she said. Garrett looked indignant and they argued back and forth until both fell asleep in the front foyer with Turkey curled up next to them.

“There is an argument to be made for applying it more widely,” Cullen said of the Rite of Tranquility.

“Ah. I see,” said Marian, eyes dark.

“You see my point?”

“No,” said Marian. “I see my fist knocking out some of your teeth.”

“Come now, sister,” said Garrett, jaw tight. “I think he’d look much more fetching with a black eye.”

“Are you threatening a templar?” Cullen asked angrily.

“You catch on quick,” the twins said in unison. Varric and Aveline had to physically drag them away from the knight-commander, and they were placed in an involuntary lockdown until they’d calmed down. It was several weeks before they were allowed to return to the Gallows, and even then only under strict supervision.

It was different, after they lost Leandra. They were quiet for a long time, sitting together.

“Was this…our fault?” Garrett asked.

“No,” said Marian, struggling to convince herself as well as her brother. “We couldn’t have known.”

“I’d say she wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves, but I don’t suppose you’d believe me,” he said. Marian laughed quietly, hollowly.

“No, I suspect she’s telling father that if Carver and Bethany were still around, rather than Grey Wardens, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Yeah.”

Some time later, when the tears were spent, the others showed up at their door, bringing their overwhelming love with them. It was the same as always, but different. The others started staying over more regularly, filling the unbearably quiet house with noise. Varric got them another dog, insisting that Turkey was looking lonely. Anders got them several cats, insisting that Darktown was too dangerous for them. They threw themselves into battle, growing more reckless with every fight, to the point where they rotated through Anders’s clinic on an almost daily basis, sporting bruises, lacerations, and the occasional broken bone. They didn’t talk to anyone about Leandra, except for each other.

“Andraste’s pressed silk knickers, Garrett, you’re not fighting the Arishok.”

“Aww c’mon Marian, look at me; I’m shredded.”

“He’s easily 300 pounds. What’s your plan, running around the room until he gets tired?”

“…maybe.”

“I’m the eldest, I get to fight him.”

“I’m the tallest, that ought to count for something.”

“Sure, it means you’ll tower over the others as you cheer for me from the sidelines.”

“Mariaaaaaan.”

“It’s a good start, but you’ll want a bit more enthusiasm for the cheers.”

“Just be careful, yeah?”

“When am I not careful?”

“Do you want an alphabetical list or a chronological one?”

And so there they were, the Champions of Kirkwall, bedecked in their new armour, joking again that one of them was going to have to change. There they were, running around the city with their friends in tow. There they were, siding with the mages without a second thought. Marian joked about getting ‘fuck the templars’ tattooed on her ass, but was informed that the message might be misconstrued.

Varric wrote his book, and only mentioned Marian, omitting any suggestion that she had a twin. He explained that having two heroes was too clunky from a narrative standpoint, people would get them confused, and so on. Garrett joked that his heart might never recover from the betrayal.

After the chantry was destroyed, there were choices that had to be made. For the first time, the twins had to separate. Much of the world believed that there was only one Champion, and Marian insisted that she didn’t want to put Garrett and Anders at risk. Garrett had gone with Anders, and Marian had set out on her own. Their goodbyes were short, as they always were. There was no doubt for either of them that they’d see each other again.

Varric lied through his teeth to Seeker Cassandra, describing the life of Marian Hawke, the sole Champion of Kirkwall. She took him to the conclave, and to the events that followed. Marian heard that the Temple of Sacred Ashes had been destroyed, and a part of her broke. She met up with Garrett and Anders on the road, and her brother hugged her tighter than he ever had before. When she eventually got a letter from Varric, she showed up at Skyhold ready to kick his ass for not writing sooner.

“Inquisitor, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall,” said Varric. Marian snorted.

“I don’t use that title much anymore. Too stuffy, makes me sound like a prat,” she said.

It was Marian in the fade, Marian who offered to die to cover their escape.

“I won’t let you,” Varric told her vehemently.

“You can’t stop me,” she replied. “I love you. And tell Garrett I’m sorry.”

“Tell him yourself,” he said, voice raw.

And then Inquisitor Lavellan, eyes red, asked Stroud to stay. He agreed, and Varric physically dragged Hawke back to the real world.

That night, sitting in his tent, she and Varric talked for a very long time, and he told her the story of how Bianca got her name. Once he’d finished, they were both quiet.

“I do love you,” said Hawke, "in a cheesy, mushy kind of way.”

“Andraste’s ass, Hawke, how long have you been sitting on this?” he asked.

“Hmmm, since about five minutes after I met you, by my last estimate.”

“Shit, really?”

“It’s the chest hair, women just can’t resist it,” she said dryly. Despite himself, Varric laughed.

“Well shit, Hawke, you’ve got me beat there.”

“Oh?”

“It took me ten minutes.”

“Ah, well, I see that our reputations for being dumbasses remain intact, then.”

“Hey, speak for yourself,” he said, laughing. Marian grinned and kissed him. And, amazingly, he kissed her back.

The next day she left for Weisshaupt, and was delighted to find that Anders and Garrett were already there. The I-told-you-so that she received from Garrett was so loud that it bounced off the walls of the fortress, and his vitriolic shouts that greeted her recounting of the fade were even louder.

Years later, the viscount of Kirkwall heard a knock at his door.

“Come in,” he said, and was immediately knocked over as two very enthusiastic Hawkes launched themselves at him.

“I’m getting too old for this,” he complained.

“You’ve been saying that since we met you,” said Marian.

“You must be ancient by now,” Garrett agreed.

“Is that any way to talk to the leader of Kirkwall?”

The twins looked at one another and shrugged.

“It’s never stopped us before,” they said in one voice.

They say that there was only one Champion, but that’s not true. There were two.

#dragon age 2 #da2 #purple hawke #hawke twins au #garrett hawke #marian hawke #anders #varric tethras #handers #varric x hawke #if you squint #is this self indulgent? yeah #do i care? nah #give me a happy ending bioware u cowards #hawke

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sloumate · 6 years ago

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Hello my friends! Here I am, once again, with a recap of the fics that warmed my heart during 2018. It was a bit of a weird year for me, not gonna lie, the first half was very good (I graduated from uni, so there was that, yay), but the second half was a bit meh :\ i lost myself in the absolute uncertainty of the future and anxiety has been eating away at my soul. Both the fandom and fics have always been a safe place for me, but towards the end of the year i started feeling slightly detached from everything so it was a bit of a slow one, even fic-wise.

Angst aside, good fics have always been and still are the best way to lure me right back in, and for that, I have to thank all the authors mentioned under the cut: you’re all legends and I genuinely hope you feel as loved as you made us feel with your words.

A big thank you also goes to a group of people that kept me updated on all fronts, shared with me some of these gems and definitely made my year much brighter: @imlt-archive, @pinklucozade (who also made the banner above, so thank you very much bee ♥), @moonloueh, @louistomlinsonsz, @mattbelloumy & @nouies ✨

But let’s get to business: here are my favorite fics of the year. They’re listed in chronological order and the ones that are marked with a ♡ hold an extra special place in my heart. Hope you’ve read most of these during the year, but if you haven’t, well, here’s a treat for 2019:

{ 2016 / 2017 / more fics here }

As We Were, As We Are by jaerie / @jaerie / 51k / ♡

Alex is a British soldier who has been injured in battle, Louis is a RAF pilot with amnesia. Somehow they put each other back together even if they get separated along the way.

Now In A Minute by thealmightyavocado / @avocadolouie / 150k

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was. / Or the 13 going on 30 au that should have been done years ago.

Try to not remember (rather than forget) by hereforlou / @hereforlou / 59k

Harry hadn’t left, not really. He had been right there the entire time. And that’s what had made it worse, knowing that his body was within touching distance but his mind, everything that made Harry Harry, was lost somewhere Louis wasn’t able to reach. He hadn’t left, but that’s what it had felt like most of the time. Just as if one day Harry had up and left him. / Or, the one where Harry wakes up.

A Study in Love by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings / 24k / ♡

Louis knows everything about everyone which has put him at a great and weird advantage over nearly all of them since the very beginning. He can solve any puzzle before most people know where to begin. He is rarely perplexed, mistaken, or wrong, and obviously, Louis is never ever surprised. And yet, his new flatmate after a very long string of failed ones has Louis questioning how he ever did any of it without him. [part 2 / part 3]

Chased the High by crimsontheory / @ireallysawanangel / 12k

Working as a fireman is a tough job. Being in love with your best friend and fellow fireman is also a tough job. / Or the one where Louis and Harry are both fireman and Louis doesn't know how much longer he can go on harboring his feelings for Harry.

When We Find Love by angelichl / @angelichl /38k

The famous/not-famous AU in which Louis lives in a house by the lake and doesn't know Harry is famous.

Take my hand and make the stars collide by tolvsmol / @rosesau / 15k / ♡

It all started with a few too many shots and ended with Louis drunkenly betting Harry to marry him – apparently “You won’t” is enough incentive for both of them, because now they’re at a rundown motel with a 24 hour chapel, and they’re giggling and kissing in the pews as they wait their turn. Except Louis sort of lost his buzz an hour or so ago, but he’s too afraid to say anything. Where does ‘marrying your best friend under false pretenses’ fall in terms of moral ambiguity? (Louis almost calls it off right then and there, until Harry admits he’s also dead sober, but… why not go home with one hell of a story anyway?) / or the one where what happens in vegas doesn't always stay in vegas.

Make Your Words A Weapon by HelloAmHere / @helloamhere / 36k / ♡

Louis is a music critic, Harry is a rockstar, soulmates are destiny but no one ever said destiny was easy, music is everything.

Simply Irresistible by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings / 12k

Louis only comes to town to start up a successful restaurant, but finds he can't quite leave once the job is done. Though, that might have more to do with him falling for his quirky neighbor than anything else.

Smoke & Mirrors by sincewewereeighteen / 59k

"What are we drinking then?” He asks Harry, claiming his place sitting on the stool by his side. “Tequila.” Harry replies. “Is this a good idea?” “Neither is sleeping with you, probably, but I’m going to do it anyways, so…” He hands Louis a glass. “Bottoms up!” / Or: the one in which Harry hates Louis, but doesn't know him. And then... He does.

Gonna dream of how you (tasted) by hereforlou / @hereforlou / 21k

The one where Harry needs a handyman and it turns out they have a bit of a history.

Loving You, It's Explosive by missyoubabycakes / 12k

Harry is obsessed with organization and Louis makes way too many jokes. Somehow, they're made for each other. / or Louis can't properly work because he's so in love and Harry just wants him to admit that.

Don't Let the Tide Come and Take Me by kiwikero / @icanhazzalou / 28k

The aquarium in the lobby has been there as long as Louis can remember, and so has the merman inside. That is, until the day Louis loses his job and decides to set the creature free. They set off on a road trip to the sea, learning to communicate more and more each day. Their destination is LA, but the closer they get and the more Louis gets to know the merman, the more he dreads having to say goodbye. / Or, the one where Louis decides to set a merman free and ends up finding his own freedom along the way.

Into The Midnight Sun by summerwine / @smrwine / 63k / ♡

It's 1983, Harry embarks on his first world tour and Louis is a budding actor in LA. Life spent apart isn't easily adjustable, but somehow they make it work.

Sun Means The Sky'll Be Blue by PearlyDewdrops / @curlsandlashes / 91k / ♡

As the only singleton under thirty attending his cousin's five-day wedding, Harry is desperate to find a date, or at least a reason to get people's questions about his love life off his back. So when Louis, Harry's old uni roommate and fellow wedding attendee waltzes back into his life, Harry seizes the opportunity, pretending Louis is his ex-boyfriend and that it's a sore subject not to be mentioned. If it's a little bit closer to the truth than Harry would like, well, he's a master at living in denial. So cue a mess of trudged-up feelings, past misunderstandings, a rekindled summer romance and a whole lot of sexually-charged bickering.

Keep this love in a photograph by suspendrs / @suspendrs / 48k / ♡

“I could never forget a damn thing about you, Harry Styles, not even if I wanted to,” Louis says. His hair falls into his face when he glances over at Harry, the moonlight reflecting off of it and making it glow golden, like maybe Louis himself is the sun. Harry thinks of how dark and cold his life got once Louis went away, how Harry got a taste of the sweetest sunshine imaginable and then was plunged into the longest winter of his life. He feels like he’s been buried under mounds of snow for months, years, and he’s finally made it to spring, finally getting another taste of how wonderful life can be. / Or, it’s 1919, and Harry’s been falling in love with his best friend for his entire life.

Wild Love by purpledaisy / 130k / ♡

Two best friends try to date each other for forty days. It's supposed to be fun until emotions make it complicated.

Ain't That A Kick In The Head! by lesbianharrie, wreckingtomlinson / 22k

In which Harry’s a disaster gay who doesn’t know shit about soccer, Liam drinks too many blue raspberry Coolattas, Niall knows everyone, Zayn looks dead, and Louis is Not Happy about sharing his breakout moment with “Drunk Hawaiian Guy.”

A Taste of Desire by casuallyhl / 104k

A Victorian ABO where Harry is the owner of the most successful cotton mill in Manchester, and Louis is an opinionated social activist about to disrupt Harry’s world.

Tissue-thin lies by HelloAmHere / @helloamhere / 5k

Louis has a cold but he's FINE.

This Melody Was Meant For You by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings / 32k

The Marie Henry Conservatory of Music has been around for ages, and not once has it ever admitted anybody besides the traditional, classical music student. Or at least they hadn’t until a few select outsiders are let in to mix things up and to give someone like Louis a chance.

Loyal Knight and True by rainbowninja167 / @rainbowninja / 51k / ♡

In contemporary Oxford, Harry Styles and Niall Horan run a magical bookshop, unbowed by an entire academic establishment that insists magic doesn't even exist. Sometimes, Harry finds, it's much easier to have faith in magic than in himself. Louis Tomlinson is a classically trained poet who needs something to believe in, and Liam Payne longs to be a part of something magical. But when the lines between reality and fiction - poetry and magic - start to blur, can they trust each other to keep track of what's true?

You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home by styleandsin / 43k / ♡

Louis needs a break from everything, from acting and the constant pressure of life in LA. He decides to move back home for a bit, some time with his family is exactly what can lift his spirits. What he doesn't expect is to fall in love. Both with the town he hated so much so that he couldn't wait to leave it years ago and with a curly haired florist that was the complete opposite of the guys he'd often meet in LA.

When the city shines (like the sun at night) by fondleeds / 37k / ♡

Love, Simon AU.

Oh, We're In Love, Aren't We? by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings / 30k / ♡

After sixteen wonderful years of friendship, it's hard to imagine any grand (and usually dumb) plans they haven't had or some type of mischief they haven't gotten into together. But, when Harry suddenly finds himself without a fiance and Louis just wants to help him feel okay again, they realize falling in love is one thing they haven't done, and that's about to change.

You came into my life by disgruntledkittenface / @disgruntledkittenface / 57k

When the Queer Eye cast and crew sweep into Louis’ small town and fire station to make over his best friend and coworker Liam, Louis’ carefully constructed walls start to fall down and he has to face his fears – and the only guy he’s ever been able to see a future with.

The Second Hand Unwinds by FullOnLarrie / @fullonlarrie / 51k / ♡

Louis Tomlinson is one of the first members of NASA's top secret Chrono Exploration Program. When things go wrong and he's sent further back in time than planned, he has no other option than to show up on his ex-boyfriend's doorstep.

The Lonely Planet Guide to Second Chances by 1Diamondinthesun / 102k

When Harry and Louis broke up, the last thing on Harry's mind was the non-refundable surprise trip he had booked for them across Europe. Harry was supposed to be moving on, not sightseeing with his ex. In hindsight, touring the continent with Louis was probably a bad idea. So naturally, that's exactly what Harry did. / Or, the breakup travel fic featuring romantic sunsets, awkward bed sharing, and second chances against a backdrop of some of Europe's most iconic cities

Truth, justice, and the gay way by hattalove / @hattalove / 2k

Liam needs a costume. Louis needs a best best friend award, a holiday, and to get a grip. (Harry's just in the right place at the right time.)

I believe him when he tells of loving me by bitterlee / 28k / ♡

Louis doesn't remember Harry. Harry takes him home.

When the Sun Won't Let You Sleep by allwaswell16 / @allwaswell16 / 30k

Four years ago, Louis Tomlinson left the UK to live on an Antarctic research station for reasons best left in the past. He’s carved out a life for himself on the ice and has dedicated himself to his research, his friends, and especially the Halley VI research station. He’s less than thrilled when he learns that Harry Styles, a glaciologist from another base who once broke his heart, will be coming to Halley, and he’s definitely unprepared for the upheaval Harry brings with him.

Take It To The Limit by taggiecb / 35k

Louis Tomlinson enjoys the simple life. He has his house, his family, and his friends all in the tiny town of Petty Harbour, Newfoundland. When he isn’t spending the winters plowing out the residents and keeping Liam and Niall company at Payne’s pub, he’s out on the open water doing the one thing that he loves the most, fishing. Harry Styles is a traveler. He lands in the tiny town to try to find himself. What he finds instead is a beautiful blue eyed man who seems to have everything figured out. But even a brick house can be damaged by a storm if it’s big enough. Can Louis’ perfect life and their relationship survive the tumult that’s coming?

What Our Souls Were Meant To Do by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings / 34k / ♡

All Harry’s father wants is for his son to marry as soon as possible and give their family another heir. All Harry wants to do is fall in love.

Where your lips land by BriaMaria / 12k / ♡

A love story told through Louis' tattoos. / or the Tyler Knott Gregson-inspired AU where Louis is a poet who lives in Montana and Harry is a photographer passing through.

Just call me inspiration by hereforlou / @hereforlou / 51k

The truth is Louis knows he’s going to hell, if there is such a thing, but it isn’t because he writes erotic fiction for a living. If anything, it’s because his muse, the reason he’s inspired to write about people shagging in increasingly creative ways everyday, is the sweetest, loveliest, most genuine (and completely oblivious) future children-book illustrator in the world. / Or, the one where Louis is a writer, Harry is an art student, and they inspire each other in very different ways.

Love Me Please by angelichl / @angelichl / 23k / ♡

Louis hates Harry, which is fine because he would really rather prefer to avoid him at all costs. The only problem? They're soulmates.

O' Christmas Tree by Justalittlelouislove / @justalittlelouislove / 15k / ♡

Louis has a busy schedule to keep and a daughter to raise. He definitely isn't looking for a relationship. Enter Harry Styles, a local Christmas tree farmer that seems just a little too good to be true.

For As Long As I Can Remember (It's Been December) by green_feelings / 128k / ♡

After recovering from a severe accident that causes Harry to lose his memory of three years, he moves to London to start his life over as a star chef. Little does he know that when he falls in love with Louis at first sight, it’s not the first time they meet. Featuring an unintentional game of hot and cold, Harry chasing memories that won’t come back, Louis burying himself in work to try and forget what he can’t forget, Liam being torn between two of his best friends, Zayn as a moral compass and Niall saving the day with good music and brutal honesty.

#2018 fic rec #hl fics #fan fiction #rec list #larry #larry ff #larry fics #ao3 #fic masterpost #fic rec #mine #ls fics #hl #fics

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