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some reflections from a time past

for several months during the pandemic i was literally doing nothing. like no career, hardly seeing other people, just straight up flaneur type idleness. i was living in Peru for most of 2020 (and years prior as well). we were stranded there because they shut down all the airports. before the news broke we had already wanted to leave, but now we were stuck there. there was nothing to do. i had some freelance writing work i would do online, but i had no job in Peru except occasional volunteering to teach kids art, but of course that had to be halted. i also gradually stopped responding to writing assignments for some reason. i was listless. and now we couldn't move freely around, we couldn't get a mototaxi into town, we couldn't go to a cafe and meet up with the few friends we had. we lived several miles from the main town, and probably 1 or 2 miles from a tiny village with like 2 stores that sold only laundry detergent and chips and fruit. we lived up on a mountain. every day i would check facebook groups to see if maybe the borders would reopen. i was trying to scheme all sorts of ways to get out and back to NY, maybe rent a car and drive all the way back. problem is there is no way of passing between South and Central America by road. then i fantasized about taking a random bus to some other Peruvian city. just to get out of this valley, i literally felt like i was caged by mountains. maybe the jungle could be nice, maybe down south in the plains. but in reality i was already in one of the more touristy centers of Peru, why would i go somewhere even more remote and lacking in Western comforts. which we had very little of already. not comforts like sushi restaurants and nail salons, more like good drinking water and health clinics. i did crave real cheese and trader joes chocolate peanut butter cups, but that was obviously out of the question.

the Peruvian government allowed one day for shopping a week and for some reason men had to be separated from women. so i had to walk all the way into town (a few miles each way) by myself. it was something to do at least. when you reached the market, a security guard made you spin around as they sprayed you with something, maybe bleach? a mode of disinfecting i suppose. they had a list of all the foreigners' names and kept track of when we would leave and go into town. i had to load up my bags with as much stuff as i could carry back, resting many times along the way. it was so eerily quiet everywhere.

anyway i had an idea i would write a book. so every day after breakfast i would climb up the steep mountainside behind our house, which had corn fields that belonged to someone who never seemed to come around. i'd just hunker down there with a huge bag of coca leaves which i was addicted to at this point, but didnt realize it. i actually didnt know for a time that coca was the basis for cocaine. i just thought they were nice leaves. i would chew coca with llipta and write manically in my notebook. eventually it did get typed up into a word doc but when i read it back i'm not sure it makes much sense. it was a strange time. i was in between worlds. i had already left the peruvian ayahuasca cult i'd been in for 2 years, and now lived on my own with my partner. but i had no idea what was next. i was so resistant to go back to the "real world" which i saw as oppressive and fake. i didnt know what i wanted to do or who i wanted to be. besides the fact that i wanted to be a rebel or free spirit. but i didn't feel that free, i had no money and no future vision and was scraping by on a flimsy ideal. rent was only like $400 which was great. we had spent months getting legal residence and were now able to live in the country, potentially forever if we wanted to. but i didn't want to anymore, even after all that effort, and i felt despondent. my digestive system had never fully adjusted to a third world country. my lungs struggled with the altitude. my partner and i were sick a lot. we still lived down the road from the cult. it had been a baby step in the right direction to get our own place but i needed a drastic change. i needed to escape out of this country, but couldn't. and even if i could, i had no idea what to do.

so instead i would wander through the mountains for hours, the winding dirt roads which seemed to keep going up and up into the beautiful clouds, passing the Mamitas who were carrying their verduras in a blanket on their backs or kids playing in the dusty chacras. our two dogs, who we had found on these same roads, would always follow along and sometimes other neighborhood dogs would join us, sometimes i was strolling with 8 dogs by my side. and when i was done and tired, i would just lay in any grassy patch i could find in the dry terrain and pull tarot cards over and over and write down the messages and smoke this potent Bolivian tobacco mix with calendula in it and scribble about art and philosophy until my hand went numb, with thick wads of leaves in my cheek. i never had a cavity before living in Peru and after i think i had to get like 6 filled.

when they opened up the airports again we immediately booked whatever ticket we could, which was to Panama, and then got a connecting flight there. we had to stay in Lima our last few days and i chewed my last few leaves in the hotel but i was already sick of it. i happily threw the rest to the wind, on a foggy rocky beach. with time to kill in Lima we got to see some old pyramids and i learned that it almost never rains there. the restaurants in Lima were the first ones where i saw QR codes on menus. that was so weird to me. we had arranged a convoluted travel itinerary for our dogs. i gained like 10 pounds immediately after getting back to America, it was like making up for lost time through ravioli. eventually i did figure out what to do, well that's kind of a lie, but thank God i don't feel listless like that anymore, trapped between worlds, i mostly feel in the flow of my commitments, with not enough time to get too existential about any of it

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