#One thing I love about drawing Zacharies is that I really get to play around with how rough his flesh can be

[reksink]

OFF With Simples Zachs

[doughguts-art]

OFFtober Day 9 - "Fangames/AU" So many fangames I love, so little time! I decided to doodle up some characters I particularly enjoy from just a handful of the fangames I've played. Wish I could draw everyone tho

Tate and Cinnamon Glaze from RISE The villain and the hero! I like how they both are wearing their ties weird. Tate is wearing a t-shirt and just has the tie directly around his neck. Cracks me up!

Buttons and Doux from ONE The living toy and it's owner! I find it so funny that Buttons often tanks more enemy attacks since it's the second party member, and RPGmaker is just like that. In my head it's because Buttons would do anything to protect Doux in Zacharie's absence ;0;

Puppeteer and Seneca from UNKNOWN The hero and the villain! I just adore these two's designs, they're classic. The design is the only thing I like about Seneca tho, diabolical little thing XD

Daren and Danny from START The scarred twins, I love them so much. They deserve to be happy, and I get all teary-eyed when I think about Daren specifically. I like that they both use knives as their weapons, so I included one in the drawing that Daren's holding.

Pilot and Navigator from CONFINIUM These two,, lord do I adore them. CONFINIUM is such a gorgeous game, and the care put into Pilot and Nav's designs and dynamic is obvious. I enjoy these sillies and this game so much.

Anthony and The Mechanic from ALIVE Just obsessed with the creativity involved in making these two characters. Mechanic is so fun to draw, and I really enjoy Anthony's story. I wanna give the shy guy a big hug.

[honestly-oceanie]

YOU PUT ME ON AND SAID I WAS YOUR FAVORITE || soft bois edition pt.3

Synopsis: drawing something(s) on their arm/wrist/hands

《Ijekiel Alpheus, Felix Robane, Isis de Elmir, Erden Astar Halstead, Erudian Lu Soledo Belgoat, Cassian Eckard, Felix Chamberlain, Anakin, Zachary de Arno, Kiyu Ahn | gn!reader》

{Fluff♡ | ▪︎imagine/scenario▪︎}

I Have Become The Hero's Rival/Your Ultimate Love Rival

Felix Chamberlain

🦋 You were at the Chamberlain's manor, just slouching on their couch, all bored.

"What's the matter? Why do you seem to be sulking?"

🦋 Felix's sudden appearance made you jump out of your skin.

🦋 You were currently at their manor as per Claudia's request. She had ask you to come to their house to hang out, however, an hour had past but she still hasn't arrive. You had asked their servants yet they all say the same thing: "I don't know, My Lady."

🦋 You and Felix have been friends since childhood, thus you always talk to him informally and freely.

"Felix! Just right on time. Do you know where your sister possibly could be?"

"She left with Irene an hour ago."

"What?! But I did not saw them."

🦋 Felix just shrugged and you sighed. Those girls are really something, you thought. You stood up and was heading to the door but Felix stop you by grabbing your wrist.

"You're leaving, just like that? But you're already here."

"Exactly. I am here but Claudia and Irene are not here."

"But I am here, [Name]."

🦋 He saw a pen and grabbed it. "Lets have our own fun. We hadn't done this for a long time." he said. And he was right. Drawing on each other had always been a favorite hobby between the two of you, despite the scolding you'll receive later it was worth it.

🦋 You just gave him a closed eyed smile and agreed, "Alright."

🦋 Felix made sure to take a mental note to thank his sister and Irene later for helping him.

Kill The Villainess

Anakin

🦋 After finishing his part, I realized that it was the same as the one I had previously written with another character and unfortunately I have no more ideas for him. But I promise to write for him next time. If I get any idea that is.

____...______...______...______...____

Marriage of Convenience

Zachary de Arno

"Count de Arno"

🦋 You were outside playing with Nikola, having the time of your lives. Meanwhile, the Count was just staring of at his window, watching you smiling so wide and laughing so carefree.

"Would you like to take a break?"

🦋 Vincent's voice pulled him out of his trance.

"I can call for Our Lady to come here—if you'd like."

"No, no, there is no need to."

🦋 He immediately rejected the idea. Although he would like to spend some time with you, he didn't want for your happiness to be put onto halt. He does notice you becoming stiff and guarded around his presence. He honestly just wants you to feel comfortable around him like how you are currently with the little boy.

🦋 He feels it's very embarrasing and won't ever admit it but he did feel a little envious of the child you were giggling with.

🦋 He cleared his throat along with his thoughts then proceded with his work.

🦋 A little while after, he heard the door open and immediately looked up and he saw you.

"Um... s-sorry to interrupt you work I– "

"It's alright. What brings you here?"

🦋 You gave him his dinner. You asked Vincent about the Count as he was nowhere to be seen during dinner and you got worried for him. You decided to stay at his office until he finish his meal and he didn't object, wishing to spend some time with you. However, both of you were stuck in an awkward silence, neither knowing what to do nor say.

🦋 You saw an extra pen on his desk and out of habit you picked it up and started drawing on your hand, the Count just watching you quietly. After you were satisfied, you look up to see if the Count has finished his meal but instead you both locked eyes, after realization you both looked away.

🦋 You sighed, this time you decided to have courage, it's not like the Count will eat you out alive.

"You know Count, whenever I feel stressed out I woukd usually do this. It relaxes me and I also love to make arts."

🦋 Your oh so charming smile made the Zachary's heart skip a beat. Without thinking, he placed his arm in front of you.

"You can draw on mine too." He says with a little redness on his cheeks.

🦋 You were shock at first, but then chuckled and proceded to do as he said.

🦋 Zachary just looked at you with fondness evident on his eyes. This little moment will always remain forever on him.

Bonus:

Your Smile Is A Trap

Kiyu Ahn

🦋 this was only suppose to be historical manhwa's but I can't resist him. He must me protected at all times🥺

🦋 Kiyu doesn't want to be bothered with this idol thingy anymore. You know that and you respect his decision.

🦋 You were Kiyu's first friend at school, you sat behind him and since he was a new student you thought about helping him adjust. The more time you two spent together, the more the friendship blossom and eventually, you both started dating, only your families knows about this and you both prefer it this way.

🦋 That was until, his identity and real face was revealed. It was a hot mess and Kiyu is feeling pressured and you can see that so you decided to help him ease atleast.

"Kiyu, your hand." you gestured and he complied.

🦋 You picked up a colored marker that was beside you and started drawing on his face. He was surprise but sit still. That was until you started chuckling, he felt a little suspicious and ran to get a mirror.

"[Name]!!!" he screamed your name while you just laughed hysterically.

🦋 You finally calmed down after he returned with a cute pout on his face.

"Oh c'mon! We can always erase that. Here, you can draw on mine too."

🦋 Without hesistation, he picked up a colored marker and started drawing on you. Then it turn into a contest between you two.

🦋 Kiyu was clearly having fun, now the one laughing hysterically at your messy form eventhiugh he was on the same state.

🦋 Seeing him like this made you smile so wide, this was the Kiyu you know, the Kiyu you fell in love with. Having him return to his happy and innocent self made you feel relief, you hoped everyday could just like be this happy and carefree.

"What? *chuckle* why do you look like that?" He asked.

"Nothing, I'm just happy whenever I'm with you. Stop worrying about the others for now and lets have fun, yeah?"

🦋 Kiyu smiled at you gratefully. He felt really lucky to have you, he was blessed with an understanding and caring partner, what more could he ask for.

-honestly, Oceanie-

[ladylyra]

Do you have any recommendations on how to get more expressive and lively color pallettes? Also, I absolutely LOVE your art! I just saw two of your posts of zacharie and I love them both so much!

thank you so much!!! :") i've been actually been trying to get better with my palettes so i'm happy that they stand out!! i really don't think i'm a good resource for advice (self taught & mostly go off vibes) but i'll try

definitely look into color theory. i don't know if it's actually designed for what art i do but this was a good resource for me. you said you liked the zacharie pics so i'll use it as an example!!

i use different shades within each color but the general idea is that i'm using two complimentary pairings in one piece--red/green and then blue/orange. it makes the entire piece pop. purple/yellow is definitely one of my favorite palettes to do but i have a soft spot for red/green because it's always interesting trying to make really sure it doesn't start giving christmas vibes LMAO. it can get really fun playing around with different shades. color changes the tone of the piece so definitely consider what youre trying to convey when you pick the colors you want to use.

2. i think a level of restriction breeds innovation. you have to do more with what you have. for this piece i reused base colors as 'shading colors' a lot. the poliwag's base blue was also used as a shading color, for example. i think it ties the piece together if colors are repurposed in multiple spots. generally, i personally don't like having too many colors in one design or drawing. if i can reuse a color, i want to. for shading, for convenience, sometimes ill use multiply and overlay layers which increases the color count, but i've been trying to branch out from them more :). overlay can be very useful (as well as some of CSPs other modes) in coming up with very vibrant palettes that you can use as a jumping off point.

3. kinda going off my above point, but this is more about character palettes than palettes for a drawing. if you look at a lot of my oc designs i have a low amount of colors ill use in one character, as well. i do a lot of gijinkas which in a way can pick palettes 'for me' but im also talking about my oc designs outside of that (1) (2) (3) (4) if i have too many colors i almost feel like i start to lose focus. i use complimentary colors a lot. this is honestly a little of a personal preference in how i approach designs (i also don't like designs with too many tiny details so...lol) so i don't know how 'legitimate' it is as advice? but i thought i'd offer it

3. i was so afraid of using bright colors when i was younger because i didn't want things to clash, so a huge part of this is just getting more confidence in the process. i mess around with colors during my sketching process, and treat palette picking as a part of sketching. the zacharie drawing went through like 2 different constantly tweaked palettes. you have to be willing to just throw whatever down at the risk of it looking bad, erase it, and do it again. don't get too attached to anything. don't aim for perfectionism on the first go. i also have this same mentality for just sketching in general. playing it safe can destroy the expressiveness of the piece and the integrity of your vision. you wanna try out some obnoxious neon blue? ok, put it down and build around it. art is meant to express something!! be more confident in what you want to make. if it looks 'bad' nobody has to see it. just keep messing around until you like it, or throw it out completely and go again.

[trashforhockeyguys]

Don’t Hold Me -18- Carter Hart

As always, all previous parts are linked in my master list!

A/N: Sooo we get to see a little bit from both Kora and Carter in this chapter, which I think is important. But honestly still just a bunch of feelings and a little bit of fluff from Carter. So enjoy!

Your nails bit into the skin of your palms as you walked through campus. He was gone, the last away game of the season was tonight. He was away from Philly, which meant Zachary couldn’t touch him. But that didn’t change the fact that Zachary was still in Philly, and was just waiting. 

You almost couldn’t make it into your dorm fast enough. You wanted to be out of sight and back in your little room. It felt safe there.

“How did your final go today?” Kora asked once you finally got into the room and sat in front of the TV. 

Shrugging, you took a handful of popcorn from the bowl between you two, “Fine I guess?”

“I think Professor Martin tried to kill all of us with his final today,” Kora stated, “God I can’t wait for summer. None of this bullshit. Plus, Ethan said he’d come visit.”

You couldn’t help but let out a little laugh. Never did you expect that your roommate and brother would become a thing, but at the same time you were almost happy that it was them. They worked so well together. 

“Just as long as I don’t have to listen to all of the gorey details,” You joked.

She smiled and nudged you with her shoulder, “Do you know what you’re going to do this summer?” 

That feeling set back in again. Your shoulders seemed to sag with the weight that was now baring down on them. So much could happen between now and the time that the season would really end. Even if they didn’t make it through the first round, and the season ended in a week. You didn’t know where you’d stand when it was all over...or if you’d even be standing at all. 

You wondered when Zachary would show himself again. When he would come back to tell you exactly what he wanted you to do. How he wanted you to play. Or maybe the proper way of putting it would be how he wanted to use you for his game. You knew he was watching, waiting for the right moment. 

You weren’t sure you’d be able to find a way out of it this time. You were out of moves, out of ideas. There would be no more escaping. In so many ways, he already won. He had you exactly where he wanted you, and there was nothing else to be done. All you could do was play along.

“I don’t know yet,” You told her, “I’ll figure it out somehow.”

She glanced over at you. She wondered if you knew how truly awful you looked. The circles under your eyes were nearly black. Sure you always seemed to have them, but she’d never seen them this bad before. You jumped at every little sound. Deep down, Kora knew this was how you were right after everything happened. This was how you were when she’d first met you. She remembered the way you practically hid behind Travis, who’d come just to make sure everything went smoothly. 

Kora knew you wouldn’t tell her what was going on. You wouldn’t tell anyone. If she didn’t know any better she would’ve swore you had a martyr complex. But this time it seemed to be destroying you, whatever it was. 

“Well...not that I would make the top of the list,” Kora stated, “But, my place is always open. You know, if you want to get away from all of the meathead hockey players for a bit.”

“Thank you.”

Your voice was so small as you watched the boys take the ice. Travis and Nolan were laughing at one another, across the ice Carter was stretching before going into the net. Your chest squeezed again. Would you be able to watch him in person again? Would he even want you anywhere near him once all of this was over?

“I don’t know what’s going on...but we can help you,” Kora stated, “Me, Travis, Nolan, Ethan...and Carter. We can help, you just have to tell us.”

You forced down the lump in your throat. All you could hear was Zachary’s threat against Kora. You knew he wasn’t bluffing. You knew he would do anything he could, even if that meant hurting innocent people to get to you. If Kora was in his way, he would deal with her. He’d deal with anyone. 

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m okay,” You swore, “Just haven’t had a lot of time to sleep.”

“Y/N-”

“The game is starting.”

Reluctantly, Kora settled back into the bed and didn’t say another word. She knew you wouldn’t talk now that the game started and you could use it as an excuse. Kora always gave you space, she knew you needed it. But this time she was almost too afraid to give it to you. Had you let the boys see how bad you were? Or were you somehow finding a way to hide it from them too?

You tried to put up a better front after that. You took special care to put on concealer to make yourself look better before Kora woke up. Anything you could do to convince her that you were just fine, you did. All you could think about was keeping her safe from Zachary...keeping all of them safe from him.

Around Carter, you tried to act normal. You tried to make it seem like nothing changed, like you were still just as carelessly in love with him as you had been just weeks ago. Every time you closed your eyes you could almost see all of the things you wished you could have with him. The future that you knew you wouldn’t get was almost clear as day. It hurt. 

The pencil in your hand flew across the page again as you tried to get the shading on Carter’s face right. He always felt some sort of pride when you asked if you could draw him, but he didn’t know that this time was to make sure you could remember him how no one else got to see him. 

His hair was a little extra fluffy, his eyes were brighter as he smiled at you. He had on a sweatshirt that he’d thrown on just minutes beforehand, because you joked that you weren’t going to use him as a nude model. You loved how at ease he seemed. You wished people got to see this side of him more, rather than the side that the media saw during interviews. 

He could be so quiet, so shy and reserved, but he could also be the loudest one in the room. He could be the one who would tell jokes that would make everyone laugh for hours. Or just be the one. You knew that you would never meet another person quite like him. There would only ever be one Carter. 

“You’re cute when you chew on your lip like that,” He stated, “All focused and shit.”

You fought back a blush, “Shut up. You’re meant to be staying still.”

“I am still,” He countered, “I’m just trying to compliment my gorgeous girlfriend while she paints me like one of those french girls.”

“We aren’t doing a nude session. Therefore, you are not one of the french girls.”

He laughed, so loudly and beautifully. You wondered if you’d feel the pain in your chest long after he was gone. How long would you still look back on days like this and wish things could’ve been different? Would he remember you as fondly as you knew you’d remember him?

“I’m thinking after this next game, you and I should do something,” He told you, “Go get some takeout, rent a movie, maybe drink some cheap wine. Just be regular twentysomethings.”

You smiled softly at the thought of it. You wished for nothing more than things like that. You wanted a whole life of simple nights with him. But you would settle for one of two more. 

“You’re gonna make me drink cheap wine when you can buy the good stuff?” You joked. 

“Baby, you like Barefoot. You stick your nose up at the good stuff.”

You rolled your eyes and tried not to laugh. He was right of course. In true broke college student fashion, you would drink box wine and the cheapest stuff you could find and were quite happy with it too. 

It wasn’t unusual that you and Kora would have a couple of bottles on the weekend. Especially mid season when the guys were on a road trip. Carter secretly liked how cuddly wine made you. After a couple of glasses all you wanted to do was snuggle up next to him with a big blanket. You would always pout when he tried to get up.

“I love you,” He said softly, not taking his eyes away from you. 

You had that feeling in your chest again. The tightness seemed to take over once more, “I love you too.”

If only you could tell him just how much you loved him. How much you were willing to do to keep him and everyone else out of the line of fire. How much you were going to give up so that he could have everything he deserved in life. 

“Kora said you killed your exams so far.”

You shrugged, “I guess?”

“C’mon, that’s something worth celebrating, Y/N.”

You felt the need to crawl up into a ball and hide. Because you weren’t worth celebrating. You didn’t feel like doing anything special. Not while Zachary was just one text away from probably ruining everything. How could you celebrate when that was hanging over your head. 

“You look exhausted. Are you sure you’re sleeping?” Carter asked. 

“It’s finals week, you don’t sleep during finals week,” You told him, “Not that you would know about that, Mr. All-Star.”

“I’m not an All-Star yet babe.”

You knew he was a little disappointed that he didn’t make it this season, but also enjoyed the short break that he was able to get. You spent all of it with him, locked in the apartment together. Both of you enjoyed that time more than you’d expected. You remembered him saying he wished that it could always be like that. 

“Soon,” You promised him, “Before too long they won’t be able to keep you away.”

He smiled, knowing you fully believed it. You didn’t seem as bad today. To Carter, you seemed a little lighter. He tried asking Travis if this was normal around finals, if you’d always been quite this bad, but even Travis was at a loss. You were pulling away whenever one of them tried to talk to you about it. So Carter tried not to let it bother him too much. You were still here with him, that had to mean something. 

So until you told him that you didn’t want him around anymore, Carter was planning on holding you as closely as he could. He was almost afraid of what would happen, like you might just slip away into nothing.

Carter hadn’t felt this deeply for someone before. He was pretty sure that it scared him just as much as it scared you. But one thing Carter knew for certain was that you managed to make his life better by being in it. You opened his eyes to a different side of life. He didn’t always have to be all about hockey. There were some things that were just more important in life. Not to mention the fact that life was too short to not appreciate them. 

“Y/N?” He questioned, looking down at you.

You hummed, somehow already half asleep in his arms. Carter smiled, knowing that you somehow always felt safe enough to fall asleep with him. He wished she could always feel that safe. Not just with her small circle of friends, but with anyone. 

“I love you,” He whispered softly, “So much.”

[pappydaddy]

Heather Part Two (j.m.)

A/N: Okay, so I have decided to start saying as little as possible in my A/Ns just to see if it brings in more interaction, if you guys want me to continue my ramblings, just shoot me a DM or something and I won’t stop them. This is a repost bc nobody saw this the first time?? Pls interact with this (preferably reblogging, but likes are good too!) 

 Anywho, this is the second part of Heather (my JJ imagine based on Heather by Conan Gray) and this is told from JJ’s perspective, I got this idea when I found this kinda parody/cover of the original song which will be linked below. I put some different scenes in this one too so it’s not just a retelling of my first part. Anyway, enjoy!!

Show/Movie: Outer Banks

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Reader

Warnings: Sad, angst, longing, negative thoughts about oneself (appearance, personality, etc), comparing to other people, jealousy, unspoken feelings

Might do a part three? I’ll probably do a part three.

Heather Cover by Zachary Tay

Part One | Part Two - You’re here!

masterlist | taglist | wips | navigation

- not my gif -

  He didn’t technically see her when she arrived at the beach, but he still knew she was there before she wandered down the dunes. He couldn’t help but glance over his shoulder, trying to get a peek of her. There she was, her shoes swinging by her side, her hair blowing in the wind as she walked. She didn’t look towards the group of her friends, instead, she scanned the beach and JJ found himself missing her gorgeous eyes. He watched her, her eyes slowly drifting towards the fire JJ sat at. In a spilt second, their eyes connected and JJ wished he could stay in her gaze forever, but her eyes were ripped from his as she breezed past the group.

 The girl under his arm laughed loudly, making him draw his eyes away from Y/N. He looked at the black-haired girl (Heather) donned in his sweater, clinging to him as she laughed at something John B had said. “What’s so funny,” JJ asked, trying to play off his absence. He didn’t really listen to John B’s recount. “Oh, must have had to heard it in the moment, I guess.” He mumbled, his eyes following Y/N as Jack, her co-worker from The Wreck ran towards her, a large smile on his face. He took in Y/N’s appearance, the sweater she wore was too big for her, it certainly wasn’t hers. It dawned on him like a lighting strike; it was Jack’s sweater. He felt a pang in his heart, remembering how she looked in his own sweater, the very sweater Heather wore right in that moment.

 He remembered how good Y/N looked in his sweater and how often she wore it after he had given it to her. On Heather, it was just a piece of polyester fabric, but on Y/N, it was much more than just a sweater. The day she gave his sweater back to him was the day he concluded that she didn’t like him. He couldn’t imagine how he even thought she would like him, he’s not even good enough for his father and he could barely stand himself. How the hell would Y/N want him if he didn’t even want himself? He didn’t even understand how Heather liked him.

 His eyes followed Jack as he ran off once again, obviously apologizing profusely to Y/N. Jack was everything JJ wasn’t: sweet, smart, hard-working, career driven, and loved. JJ wanted to hate Jack, but he couldn’t, he was too good of a person. He could see that Y/N and Jack would make a good couple, he could see why Y/N would have her gaze set on him. His dark hair, his tall stature, his boy-next-door smile - he was the complete package.

 Setting his eyes on Y/N yet again, he saw her sit down on a piece of driftwood, staring out at the ocean as the waves lapped up towards her barefeet. He let himself imagine that the sweater she was wrapped up in was his. He often replayed the December night he gave his sweater to her in his head, imagining that he had actually done what he wanted - kissing her. He liked to live in that alternate story at night, laying in his bed. He sighed, glad he didn’t kiss her in the long-run, for he didn’t know who he liked more: Y/N or Heather. “JJ, you should tell Heather about that one time when John B was high off his ass when CPS came knocking on his door.” Kie laughed, capturing JJ’s attention from the girl sitting on the driftwood.

 “Oh, uh, yeah, sure.” JJ laughed, remembering that day as he launched into his story. Though his eyes weren’t on her, Y/N still plagued his mind, having been there that day as well, skipping school to smoke with JJ and John B. He laughed as he retold the story, poking fun at John B, but leaving Y/n out of the story, not wanting to pull her into his fling with Heather, knowing there will be drama if he did.

 Though he was immersed in the story he was telling, he still noticed Y/N standing and walking along the beach, leaving the party before it even started. The bleeding colours in the sky made her skin glow with pink and orange, making her look like the figure of beauty. As she walked away, JJ could have cried. He didn’t understand how he, the boy who wanted nothing to do with the messiness of love, ended up in this situation.

____

  The words Kie had told him earlier rattled in his brain like a single pill in a bottle. His mind played that moment back like a movie reel continuously playing. Once it ended, it restarted again. Like a painful torture device used to drive him to the brink of insanity.

 “I don’t get why Y/N keeps avoiding us! We never see her anymore, not since Heather started hanging out with us,” JJ groaned, plunking himself down on the couch dramatically. He had asked Y/N earlier at school (after cornering her at her locker) if she wanted to have a movie night just like old times, but she had told him she was going to study for a big biology test she had. “Why does she even need to study anyway? She’s at the top of her biology class, only second to Pope, of course.” JJ threw in the last comment, pleasing his friend who sat beside him on the couch, a freshly popped bowl of popcorn in his lap.

 “You guys do know why, right?” Kie asked, looking over her shoulder at them as she shifted through the DVD collection, the group deciding to go old school for the night. JJ shook his head while John B and Pope both nodded, making noises of understanding. JJ looked around, confusion clearly painted on his face.

 “Y/N still likes JJ.” Pope commented, tossing a handful of popcorn into his mouth, chewing it as if what he had just said was common knowledge.

 “What?” JJ asked, panicked, glad that Heather was hanging out with some of her other friends tonight instead of being with them. If she had been here, he would have never be given this piece of information.

 “You didn’t know?” John B asked, bewildered that JJ hadn’t picked up on anything.

 “Obviously not-” JJ cried, his eyes wide.

 “It was obvious, we all thought you had known by at least December third when you gave her your sweater, we thought that was you making your move on her finally.” Kie explained, shrugging.

 JJ still couldn’t believe that. If only he had seen how much she liked him, maybe he wouldn’t be praying for his eyes to catch her’s every time she walked by him. Maybe he wouldn’t want to cry every time they broke eye contact. Maybe he wouldn’t have assumed she likes Jack. He groaned, flopping around in the spare bed at John B’s, staring up at the dark ceiling as moonlight casted the window’s shadow onto the white surface.

 If he had known how much Y/N liked him that night, he wouldn’t be questioning who he liked more still. Maybe he didn’t like Heather at all. Now that he knew that Y/N likes him, he started to realize that maybe he didn’t truly like Heather, instead, only liking the idea of the distraction from the one he really liked. Though he realized this, he couldn’t do anything about it anytime soon. He had plans to eat lunch tomorrow with Heather and the group, he couldn’t break up with Heather at The Wreck.

_____

 Y/N was working today. That was the whole reason they were eating at The Wreck, to see her. John B and Pope missed her, Kie was able to see her during the shifts they shared or during shift changes, but the boys hadn’t seen her. JJ and Heather stood on the deck, leaning against the railing and JJ was giving the performance of his life. He couldn’t have Heather thinking that something was going on with him (he still had no idea who he liked more) so he was trying to act as normal as possible around her despite the fact that a war raged in his mind.

 He tried to keep his eyes on Heather as she talked adamantly. JJ nodded along, not really listening. Heather was beautiful and kind, but JJ grew bored easily. They had nothing in common. He was a surfer, she was from the city filled with concrete buildings and shopping malls. She just didn’t understand the joy in the little things. When JJ wanted to stargaze, she’d rather gaze at a TV screen. When JJ wanted to just sit on the beach and listen to the waves, she wanted to take pictures. When JJ just wanted to sit on his surfboard and let the waves roll under him, she didn’t want to ruin her make-up.

 Her hand squeezed his as she asked him about the stores he shopped at. He, not wanting to ignore her, joined her one-sided conversation and explained his mode of gaining clothes. She listened for the most part, but listening wasn’t really Heather’s strong suit. She loved to talk, not that JJ minded, but he would also like to have a conversation without being interrupted with a completely different story. He shot a glance in through the door, seeing Y/N at a table, talking with the costumers. She nodded, a shining smile on her face. JJ loved talking with Y/N. She’d listen, she’d talk. He’d listen, he’d talk. It was a perfectly balanced conversation with Y/N.

 He looked back down at Heather when she had asked him yet another question, but JJ wasn’t listening. “I’m sorry, what?” He asked, blinking. Heather giggled, thinking JJ was just a spacey type person who stared off in the distance, zoning out easily.

 “I asked about your shark tooth necklace, I’ve always wanted one.” She told him, the hand, that wasn’t in his, reaching up to fiddle with the shark tooth. JJ looked down at it, smiling fondly.

 “My friend made it for me with the shark tooth I found, I’ve never taken it off since they gave it to me.” He left out that it was Y/N who made it for him while she was going through her necklace making phase in middle school. She had made it too big originally, but it was okay since JJ grew since then.

 “Oh, well, maybe I could wear it sometime,” Heather asked flirtatiously. JJ gulped, not knowing what to say. He didn’t want to give it to her, but he didn’t want to start a fight before they ate a meal with his friends in public. Instead of answering, he pressed his lips to her’s in a lingering, long kiss. Heather smiled, giggling against his lips. Pulling away from the kiss, JJ glanced at the parking lot to see if John B and Pope were there yet, but his eyes came up with nothing. Heather shivered as a strong wind blew by them. “I’m a little cold.”

 JJ looked down at her, seeing that she didn’t have his sweater on. It was different, when Y/N had his sweater, she always wore it, or at least brought it, just in case she got cold. Heather didn’t bring it anywhere unless JJ asked about it. Wordlessly, JJ unlaced their fingers, dropping his arm around her shoulders, pulling her towards him. “I wonder if Y/N is cold? She doesn’t have a sweater on, only a t-shirt.” He thought, watching the parking lot out of the corner of his eye. He sighed, trying to clear his mind.

 “Yo! Let’s get some grub! I’m starving,”John B cheered, piling out of the van with Pope who cheered in agreement. JJ pulled away a bit too quick to play it off as normal while John B and Pope jogged up the stairs, their sneakers slapping the wooden deck. They walked right into the restaurant, leaving Heather and JJ to follow them. The bell above the door dinged, making Y/N and Jack look up from what they were doing. JJ looked up, seeing Jack leaning across Y/N, his shoulder touching her torso ever so lightly as he cleaned up spilt water. “Hi, Y/N! Where is your section?” John B asked.

 “Sorry, John B, I’ll have to take your table so she can get cleaned up, next time.” Jack told him, getting another dry towel to try and help her dry her clothes so she wasn’t dripping everywhere. JJ could sense John B’s disappointment, and he had to admit he was a little bit disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to hear Y/N’s sweet voice that he missed so much.

 “Thanks, Jack,” John B nodded his chin in Jack’s direction. “Maybe we’ll talk before we leave, Y/N.” Y/N looked back up from her shirt at the mention of her name, nodding. Their eyes connected as Kie and Heather jumped into a conversation. Every time their eyes connected, it was such a relief to JJ it truly was a sight for sore eyes. Much to his disappointment, their eye contact was gone as fast as it came when Jack interrupted.

 “That should be good, Y/N,” She looked from JJ’s eyes to meet Jack’s. The sight of her eyes connecting with Jack’s made JJ want to cry, missing that tiny connection that seemed to be the extent of their friendship these days. “You should go get changed, I’ll take these to the table for you, table four, right?” The group started to move, but JJ wanted to stay there, see if their eye would meet again before she disappeared to change, but he had to go with them. He was just out of earshot when she replied to Jack who carried the tray of drinks towards table four effortlessly.

____

 He knew he shouldn’t have done this at school. He was kicking himself as Heather weeped, her face in her hands. “I’m sorry, Heather,” He whispered, nervously looking at the crowd watching them. They were stood next to the side of the building, the crowd gathering in the parking lot. He had tried to do it privately, but he also wanted a clean cut. When he saw his sweater in Heather’s hand, he had known that today was the day. “It’s just not working out.” He tried to console her, his fist gripping the sweater he held now.

 The group watching whispered, making JJ roll his eyes. Now he was going to be painted the villain, the heartless asshole who broke up with the girl in front of the whole school even though they just see her weeping and gasping, not the part where JJ was actually considerate for once. Normally, it was a harsh slap to his cheek and a few tears slipping past their eyes as they walked away, not full on sobs. Especially since they were only going out for three weeks - tops.

 Heather looked up from her hands, letting her arms swing at her sides as she glared at JJ. Black streaks of makeup cascading down her cheeks. With a final, harsh glare at JJ, she ran off, the group of people parting to let her through. JJ watched her run, his shoulders deflating at his ruined chance of keeping the break-up private. His eyes landed on one of the pairs of people Heather parted in her haste to escape: Y/N and Jack. They stood side by side, Jack holding both their books in his hands, both their bookbag straps on his shoulders.

 The group quickly dispersed, giving JJ a perfect view of them. He could see Jack say something to Y/N before she said something back, their eyes catching each other, once again making eye contact. JJ was so absorbed in her eyes that he didn’t notice the sympathetic smile she sent his way. It felt like forever as he stared into her eyes, her just staring back. He wanted her to stay, he wanted to stay, but he couldn’t just break-up with Heather and then turn around, rush towards Y/N, sweep her off her feet and profess his love for her - then he would be an asshole.

 “Come on, Y/N, let’s go. We can’t be late for our shift.” JJ heard Jack tell her, forcing her to break away from JJ’s eyes. He felt tears prick his eyes at the loss of their moment. His eyes never left her, once again hoping for their eyes to connect again, even though he had to watch her eyes connect with Jack’s which caused his heart to throb painfully. Watching her turn and walk towards Jack’s pick-up truck was the sight that made him want to die, then the pain in his heart would stop - right? The picture of her sitting in his passanger seat didn’t sit right with JJ. The thump of Jack tossing their books and bags in the bed of his truck made JJ flinch, but he still never took his eyes off Y/N, not even when Jack slipped onto the bench seat beside her, starting his truck and slamming his door.

 His pleas were answered when Y/N turned to gaze out the window, their eyes connecting once again in a fleeting moment before Jack slowly pulled out of the spot, exiting the nearly empty parking lot. JJ watched the truck as it drove down the road, waiting until it was out of his sight before he moved. He found out who he liked more. It was Y/N. It was always Y/N.

[8lah8lah]

heres my genius OFF but theyre regular people AU. not human the ones that arent human stay nonhuman but everyone is still regular people put under the cut cause i genuinely thought this'd be like one sentence per char but it is fucking long girl help

zacharie; extremely normal guy. works as like, a cashier. has gone to college forrrr whatever Selling Shit or the closest thing to it is but doesnt get to use his degree much. not very online either he has an email and a facebook if those count and thats it. i dont know if he'd wear his full face masks regularly? but at least wears regular nose-and-mouth face masks like always always always always maybe even indoors with ppl he already visits regularly that are not ill. allaround pretty solid trusted liked Known guy where he lives! has no online friends that arent moved away friends from college and even then only has conversations through emails. lives with sucre and the judge

sucre; like. definetely Online. not terminally but she has a tumblr that she goes on weekly like she comes back from work (idk what her job would be) and she's like ahhh yes time to see what everyone got up to while i was away and she scrolls through tumblr in complete silence no music. really good at guessing when someone is shitty before it's known theyre shitty and when them being shitty is revealed shes like told you!!!! default outfit is a sports bra, fully unbuttoned hawaiian shirt, and sweatpants also i don't think she'd wear socks or slippers around the house OR put any footwear on to take the trash out. might play video games idk what though?? has irl and online friends and is good at hanging out with both pretty regularly. also transfem duh

judge; he is NOT like at ALL equivalant to a house cat as far as presence goes he will just stare at you and watch you and talk to you and if you tell him you're upset or you're thinking about some issue in the world oh boy you are going to have the conversation of a lifetime. does annoying cat things even though he is 101% on human scale of awareness cause he thinks it's funny (stepping on zacharie's laptop, eating food that was left unattended on the table, sleeping on clothes in closet when either zacharie or sucre needs them for work and slaps them with his paw when they try to take it) and also cause he's a cat but all 3 of them know he does not need to do that. is 40+ in human years and still kickin and yes still has The teeth because he's a very special boy <3

the batter; baliff whack his peepee (he is in jail because i emphatically believe he would still murder people over jack shit regardless of the situation)

the queen; single mom, i don't know what her job(s) would be either she's either working all the time or has one big important fancy job. good friends with zacharie he helps babysit hugo sometimes. i think zacharie and sucre live in an apartment but the queen lives in a proper house. uhhh i dont know she is also very well liked where she lives and gets cookies etc on her doorstep every xmas from neighbors etc

hugo; hes like 6??? and yes he still LOVES meat he stole a piece of jerky from the batter when he was baby and has not stopped wanting to have meat with every single meal since. never used teething toys just gnawed jerky. shares a minecraft account with the queen it has some like super generic Mom username with like numbers and shit at the end and everything but hugo will ONLY let the skin be sans if he's playing. the queen like sets him on her lap and is like awww let's play mindcraft now sweetie!!! and he's like aoououououou -blows everything up- also he's still bald he wanted to be bald. when zacharie babysits him and the judge comes which he usually does (also the judge hangs out on zacharie's shoulders when he goes outside but not to work like every other time he goes out) the judge poisons hugo's baby innocent mind with philosophical questions. also he draws

dedan; has a job specifically where he can yell at people this is probably like, construction or something but my first thought when conceptualizing this last month it was "a traffic guy" and i want you to imagine him in the little hi vis jacket. guiding children safely across the street to and from school screaming and getting road rage at the parked cars even though he is not driving. and also that when he does drive to work he is screaming the entire fucking time as loud as he can only taking breaks to catch his breath so he doesnt have to think about how angry the people driving normally are making him. got top surgery in like the 1980's through sheer will good for him

enoch; enoch. doesn't do the whole "forces employees to develop cannibalism addictions so they work more" thing (sorry to ppl who havent beat OFF yet) i'm pretty sure that is illegal to do for some reason or another but he is a universally disliked and infamous boss all the same. one time he invited his workers to a lunch thing with him and one guy who's also coworkers with zacharie invited him to it so enoch wouldnt get mad there was so few people and zacharie wasnt like, SCARED, but he was like holy shit you live like this? my friend said "enoch on facebook talking about how his workers are so dedicated except brian lastname 123 street" which i hard agree with. smashed a beer bottle maybe a few on the batter's head once at an event like 11 years ago which while everyone hates him for everything else agrees that was pretty ahead of his time

valerie; if he is NOT dead (which he isnt in this au) he would live in his own house with the judge that they both upkeep and pay the bills for and everything. if he is dead it is cause japhet who is uhhhhh i dont know SOME bird killed him and he died when he was like 16 also in human years cause he was also a very special boy <3

japhet; i dont think he's as sentient and powerful as in-game japhet is cause i dont think the world would be ready for a like 10 foot tall can fly bird with hooves with a heron beak that is malicious but he's either like a hawk or an emu and when the judge is on walks with zacharie the judge will stare at and try to talk to him and he's like -is literally just a normal bird cannot speak or understand english- if he WAS like he is in-game though i think he'd be friends with enoch

[carriemaya]

COMING HOME — Healing from Housing Instability

CW: Childhood sexual abuse, parentification, slibling abuse, religious abuse, and PTSD.

INTERGENERATIONAL FAMILY TRAUMA

I grew up with a lot of material privilege: a beautiful home on 2 acres of property, cable TV, ducted heating/cooling, always had food on the table, and went to a private Christian school (even if it was through a bursary programme). I even had singing and piano lessons (and went to performing arts school with Zachary Ruane from Aunty Donna — true story!).

But there was a maelstrom of abuse going on behind closed doors.

What my five siblings and I experienced varied from child to child; a combination of sexual, physical, psychological, and spiritual abuse — from parent to child and sibling to sibling over the course of many years. While the onus for violence, volatility, and religious fundamentalism was on my parents, they were also the facilitators of beautiful moments of genuine care and joy — a toxic dynamic born of traumatised adults who find themselves the parents of little children whose entire world they’re responsible for.

And because our nervous systems remember things that we would choose to forgive and forget, it laid the rocky foundation for the early onset of a plethora of complex mental health issues that I still experience today.

And while my parents weren’t all bad or all good (as is the case with most people), the culture they created or allowed, made way for fractured relationships between my siblings and me — and unfortunately these sibling relationships became the catalyst for my personal ongoing housing instability and a deeper, more chronic experience of psychological damage that years of therapy, self-help books, and spiritual healing sessions haven’t been able to heal.

-

My siblings were traumatised by the person I was growing up. I was parentified from a young age and stepped into the mother role. At around 10 years old, my parents forced me to physically discipline my siblings. But I had the head and heart of a child which meant that I wielded power with all the wisdom and responsibility of, well, a child.

It caused lots of damage because I was the scary one in their eyes (not my parents) which set me up to be alienated from my siblings pretty much from the get go. I could be awful to them. But I also loved them and simultaneously felt responsible for protecting them against my parents. I look back at the moments born of these confusing dynamics and I can pinpoint them as the place in my life where my personality started to fragment.

When it came to trying to protect myself, my siblings, or to reason with my parents, I yelled. A lot. My voice was the only weapon I had to use against their size, age, fellow adult allies, and economic power.

I thought that by yelling I could get through to them — to help them wake them up and see how much their kids were suffering because of their behaviour. I didn’t learn until I was an adult that my brothers and sisters resented me for this as they wished I had just been quiet. The toxic culture in my family was normalised and my railing against it was seen as the cause of our household drama.

I was Crazy Carrie. The mentally ill one who yells a lot.

While experiencing abuse from my parents, I also abused my siblings.Thankfully, they weren’t subjected to the same kind of treatment I received from my parents as the eldest child. But unfortunately because of that, it meant they weren’t privy to the ways I was being tormented behind the scenes into becoming the kind of child I was. They remember me as an abuser. And why wouldn’t they? And as an adult with space and time between us, I can also accept that their feelings and opinions about me are valid.

But the thing that breaks my heart is that they don’t seem to remember the good things I tried to do for our family — or sacrifices I made. Like when I dropped out of high school in my final year to cook, clean, and be their emotional support because my father forced my mum to go work outside of the home full time. It was my dream to be the first person in our family to finish high school. B that honour went to my brother. I’m proud of him and glad he got to do it. Yet at the same time, it feels as though the things I tried to do right count for nothing.

And I guess that’s the complex nature of intergenerational family trauma.

Everyone’s a victim and no one comes out unscathed.

THE BEGINNING OF HOUSING INSECURITY

When I was 18, my father was eventually removed by The Department of Human Services.

And we turned to a church for hope and support. We were then exploited and abused for 6 years. You can listen to that story in full detail here.

[TLDL version: inappropriate touching of me and my siblings by church leadership, encircled by a group of church members in a prayer meeting and forced to take communion while crying and choking on breadsticks and cranberry juice, the pastor putting wedges in between children and their parents so she could be their mother).

My siblings and I had explosive relationships before going to the church. But after what we experienced at the hands of our former pastor, the dysfunction and dissension multiplied 50xfold. They became toxic and so did I. Our home, post-church, became a cocktail of trauma, brainwashing, and siblings hurting siblings.

Upon leaving that church, I became aware of how toxic I had been in so many ways. I started apologising to everyone in my family as soon as I became conscious of it. I still wanted to hold onto my faith and I wanted to process what we’d been through so that we could heal.

Unfortunately, the siblings I have had the most conflict with over the years — and I — had such deeply opposing perceptions about our behaviour toward each other.We all have contrasting feelings about who should be taking responsibility for what. Or what had transpired between us over the years and what hadn’t.

They told me that I was selfish for wanting to talk about what happened and that if I truly wanted to move on, I would just do it. I felt constantly shut down and dismissed by them — just as I had with my parents growing up when all I wanted to do was to connect by bringing things out in the open for two-way, exploratory conversation.

In conjunction with this, because of how much shame and self-hatred I had for the way I had been growing up (and who I’d become at church), I believed that even if I felt hurt by their behaviour now, that I should allow them to treat me however they want because maybe that’s what they need to do to heal.

But no matter how much I apologised or tried to change, it felt that they were committed to misunderstanding me because they wanted me to hurt as much as I’d hurt them. Which I understand because their pain and trauma needs a voice. And because I was the cause of so much of it, their frustration and anger landed squarely back on to me.

I guess they just didn’t realise how much I had been hurting, too.

This eventually led to me going into fawning mode. And I was eventually forced to leave home because of the bullying that I experienced at their hands. I felt really betrayed by my mum who allowed certain things to happen without standing up for me, a feeling which triggered painful emotions associated with the way she singled me out for abuse as a child.

When I finally left home, I told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her. And that if she ever wanted a relationship with me again she’d have to earn it.

Note: I’m sure you understand that I can’t share everything about my family in detail. This blog entry is actually a redraft of a much longer, much more explicit, piece that explains all the awful things I did to my siblings and all the awful things they’ve done to me. We’re all adults now. And at this stage we’ve all traumatised each other. It’s unfair. And it sucks for every single person involved.

When you are driven out of your housing by personal circumstances or through danger to your person, it’s a complete upheaval. Personally it was utterly jarring when my family situation led to me needing to leave before I was ready. Especially when it was catlysed by the dismissal of me and my survival needs in preference for another sibling who was causing literal damage to our house (among other things).

Once I’d moved out, I crashed. A sort of emotional paralysis took over.

And I’ve carried that paralysis and accompanying dissociation with me for the last 7 years. Every move bringing it to the surface and causing me to plummet into the self-hatred and fear associated with being driven out of my home in the first place.

Anyone who’s rented knows that good housing situations are the luck of the draw.

Throughout all the moves I’ve made in the last decade, some have been a dream: like Jake and Beth who were fellow live-in mentors to an at-risk young person for the Vista Lead Tenant Program where we had beautiful chats about faith, doubt, politics, and played Jackbox TV games. Like the international sharehouse where I learnt Farsi from Reza and Shohra — an Iranian immigrant couple who didn’t even have a mattress to sleep on but would invite me to eat almonds on the blanket they had laid out on their bedroom floor.

The majority of them, though, have been utter nightmares.

Like the one where I was being stalked by a neighbour in the unit behind mine. When I told her to back off, she retaliated by making a false report to the police — saying that she was fearful for the lives of her fiance, her pets, and herself. I was taken to court and the mediator saw through her straight away. Thankfully, he was incredible and encouraged me to file for a cross-order/ intervention order so that she didn’t just have one against me. Which would give me some measure of protection against her if she wanted to start making trouble for me. I agreed. That SAME day, she breached it and came right up to my bedroom window and started looking around my unit.

Another time, I moved in with a man whose Gumtree ad I responded to out of desperation for a place to stay. Then after a week, he told me that I wasn’t allowed to file for rental assistance from Centrelink because it would cut into his welfare benefits. I agreed because I needed a roof over my head. And it also didn’t take long to learn that he was an alcoholic who stayed up all night listening to the radio up to 11 and I found myself unable to sleep.

And finally, the nightmare of my most recent living situation up until two months ago. I lived next door to two meth addicts. Let’s call them Tarzan and Jane.

They were good enough neigbours until COVID-19 hit. I think it’s because they used to party at other peoples’ places before restrictions were implemented but couldn’t anymore.

The drugs, the psychosis, the cackling-witchy ramblings of Jane, and waking up to her yelling in the street early morning after early morning

One time, they had a 17-hour bender.

He groaned in this deep, demonic sounding voice for 40 minutes. She began to tell herself a story. At 4am, Tarzan stood at my bedroom wall shouting, “Fuck off, poofter” for 15 minutes. I dragged my mattress into the lounge and closed the door while they continued to party hard to loud music for a further 7 hours.

I spent most of 2020 sleeping in my living room because I was so scared. It triggered PTSD episodes for me on a daily basis.

Then Jane passed away from an overdose.

The woman from across the street (we’ll call her Julie), started coming over to visit Tarzan all the time. He started putting up a fence without permission from the landlord. I felt like reporting him at first, but decided to leave it alone.

And one of these days that she came over to visit Tarzan, I hear Julie start yelling about me through the wall. It wasn’t just about her being a bitch. She was another loud, rude, scary person disturbing my right to a peaceful home and I decided enough was enough.

I decided to confront them.

I grabbed my phone because I knew that if they reacted badly without video evidence of their actions towards me, nothing could be enforced by the authorities.

I’m glad I thought that far ahead because Julie physically assaulted me, snatched my phone away, and then smashed it on the ground. It turned out Tarzan had received a breach of lease notification from the real estate agency for the unapproved fence and thought I had reported him.

Because the attack was caught on camera, when the police arrived and saw the footage and damages, they arrested her and charged her with unlawful assault.there anymore. But that was it. I couldn’t stay there anymore.

The physical attack by my neighbor was just the beginning of a series of injuries that would also take their toll on my well being.

At the end of October last year, just after the assault, my friend Tash graciously offered her home to me while she and her husband lived in Melbourne short-term for his cancer treatment. In exchange for looking after her cats, I received rent-free, bill-free accommodation while I looked for a new place.

I needed a safe place to recover and roll out the first session of my online coaching programme Mother Mary Speaks, so I promptly moved into Tash’s and was able to run my first session.

One week passes, I’m working at my desk, and I get up to move around a bit because my legs have fallen asleep — my ankle crushes beneath me. I rolled it and couldn’t get up.

I ended up in hospital with ligament damage.

So there I was, living in interim housing, $300 in my savings, a cat in tow, unsure of how I’m going to afford a new place and whether I’ll be accepted by a real estate agency even if I can (because I am self-employed and don’t yet have a livable wage/ am still receiving Centrelink benefits). And now I can’t walk. Oh, and I’m running a 6-week programme where people need me to hold space for them.

And each day I’m without a home, I’m cripped more and more by PTSD associated with housing and family.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF CONSTANTLY MOVING FOR 7 YEARS

Moving is expensive.

Like really expensive.

Transporting furniture and possessions is really pricey if you hire a professional. And honestly I’ve never been able to afford it. Which has also been really hard as someone who doesn’t drive due to having seizures since she was in her teens.

The stress of having to coordinate help when your former pastor made you believe that anything you express needing help with makes you a selfish taker of resources — someone who is unworthy of their faith for not putting it in God’s hands only. The anxiety and shame from those past conversations and beliefs about myself are almost unbearable at times.

Then there’s the cost of bond and first month’s rent. And all the utility connection costs that can really add up depending on how old a property is or what kinds of outlets and wiring a place has installed.

During the last 7 years, I managed to support myself financially for nearly 2 whole years with a livable wage. Because the work was flexible and online, it meant that I could work around the PTSD episodes and manage the effects of my Borderline Personality Disorder (like chronic self-harm urges, sui* ideation, and anxiety/ depression). More recently in 2019, I was casually unemployed for about 5 months and then COVID-19 hit and the work fell through.

I have been building a business using my life experience, professional experience, spiritual gifts, and a combination of small wages and welfare payments.

So one doesn’t have much savings or proof of income in these situations. I’ve had to borrow money more times than I can count to make sure I have a roof over my head. And I’m one of the lucky ones who has someone to help me in these situations.

Then there’s the deep-seated uncertainty that comes with constant unwanted relocations. Each move has felt like a deeper, harder blow to the foundations of my stability.

I’ve tried everything to ground myself and make myself feel safe over the years — and thankfully I’ve found many tools to make life more bearable.

And while I’m able to cognitively understand that renting is the reality for so many of us (and that in this day and age, home ownership is a privilege that fewer and fewer people are able to afford), my body and all my emotions have been ever filled with anxious anticipation that life is just about to be pulled out from under me.

The same question arises with each new property, “ What if this was how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? And what if it’s going to continue happening in really dramatic ways like being assaulted or taken to court? What if my life is a never-ending cycle of mental illness, trauma, and housing crisis? Will I ever get a chance at stability? A chance to build something sustainable beyond survival?”

THE END OF HOUSING INSTABILITY

Years ago, when mum began making amends for the ways in which she didn’t come through for me when my siblings bullied me out of home, she apologised to me as much as was humanly possible.

And while the journey toward reconciliation was far from smooth sailing, each year has seen our relationship blossom and grow. She has spent the last 7 years since earning my trust back. She hasn’t just said sorry. She’s made recompense where possible.

She has helped me with transport, paying rent, bills, bonds, moving costs, and has been an incredible rock of strength when I’m experiencing extreme mental illness symptoms. No one understands me or holds space for me with the love and strength that my mama does.

I’m open with her about the fact that I’m writing this article. I’m a writer, I need speak my truth. And the cost-benefit analysis of sharing the story of our healed relationship comes out as a choice with lots of benefits. I also want to say that I don’t just forgive her. I adore her. She is actually my most favourite person in the world and I can’t imagine my life without her. She even told me last year that she has left her house to me in her will because she wants to make sure I’m taken care of when she’s gone.

I’ve come to learn the ways in which her life was shaped by family trauma and abuse. And how that flowed down into our family unit.

She’s had her world destroyed over and over again. And I couldn’t see that when I was younger because all I could think about was that I needed her — in the ways a young child needs their parent.

But as I’ve grown older, I look at her with so much gratitude and compassion.

Because being an adult is hard. And life is mostly hard. And being an adult, with trauma, when you have children must feel insurmountable. Yet she never gives up. She never stops. She keeps coming back to our relationship to be the mum I need.

And this is exactly what she did when I got ligament damage at Tash’s house.

She moved in with me and took care of me every day for two months. While also working during the day from the office (because of COVID-19). It’s been a beautiful time of bonding.

During this time, though, she’s watched me struggle immensely. Because of inaccessible housing opportunity after inaccessible housing opportunity. The houses that are affordable are high-risk for dangerous neighbours and my mental health couldn’t handle another attack. And even they are so expensive that I couldn’t rent them.

Then on top of this, the rental market in Gippsland isn’t what it used to be. People from Melbourne have fled here in droves to escape catching COVID-19. bUT Their relocating and renting out all the properties with their big city incomes means that there’s hardly anything here for the locals who fall within the lower socio-economic bracket.

Time to leave Tash’s home was coming to an end and I had nowhere to turn. I ultimately secured the last affordable caravan in Gippsland and was going to live on mum’s front lawn. But then one day, about two weeks ago, she comes back to Tash’s after being out for the night and says she has some news.

She tells me that she is giving me her house.

Yeah.

Not the house I lived in with her and my siblings 7 years ago. She’s since moved into a home that I’ve never lived in.

She’s been in Gippsland for over 30 years. She’s originally from Melbourne way, and she’d like to do a bit of a homecoming of her own. Because she loves all six of her children and can’t fix all our divided relationships, outside of her working hours, she wants to be a wandering mama.

She’s decided to keep one room in her house for when she lives with me, and then she’ll be renting a place with one of my sisters who has been needing to move to Melbourne for her job (as commuting so far was exhausting her). And I get to start decorating it exactly how I’d like as though I already own it.

It’s going to be my forever home. From now until I inherit it (which will hopefully not be for decades to come). And then from when I inherit it until I decide to sell it (or not).

I’m a little shocked. The symbolism of this beautiful, full-circle and healing gesture is not lost of me.

Thankfully my siblings are pretty high-functioning people who have material stability and are building the lives they want. And I’m really glad for them. Even if I don’t have relationships with most of them. I want to see them grow and prosper. And receiving this generous gift from my mum is her way of taking care of me and ensuring I keep growing and prospering, too.

It’s the proof I didn’t know I needed that I am as loved as my siblings.

HOUSING PRIVILEGE

Some of us choose the nomadic life.

Some of us buy or build our own homes.

Some of us are living from rental to rental knowing that we’ll never be able to break the cycle.

And even worse still are those of us who end up on the streets because they can’t afford any of the above.

I can’t speak for everyone, but experiencing both homelessness and unrelenting housing instability drove me to the brink of madness. That’s not an expression. I mean, as much as I’ve healed myself in so many ways over the years, I was starting to lose my mind after living through these consecutive housing traumas.

I don’t care what anyone says: people don’t need to just learn how to make their bodies their homes and learn to make themselves feel safe. That’s New Age bullshit. The reality is that just like children need shelter and stability from their parents when they’re growing up. All people need shelter and housing security that isn’t going to be taken from them. They need to know they are loved and safe, and having a home helps ensure that. There are only so many grounding techniques, meditations, and reframes that one can do before the instability of housing insecurity hits sends you spiraling mentally

Coping every now and then isn’t flourishing.

Never having a solid, unmoving homebase to trust in so that a person can build their life financially and relationally is common but not normal. Or healthy. Or okay.

I’m 32 now and I work hard on my mental health. I have taken radical self-responsibility for my life and the direction it’s going.

But no matter how hard I work or try, I can’t hustle my way out of complex mental health issues that affect my ability to work in a mainstream job (and thusly earn the money that I need to live a comfortable life). I’ll never stop trying to build a degree of wealth that can help me make ends meet. But I will NEVER AGAIN shame myself for not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and climb my way up the socio-economic ladder.

The capitalist narrative that we live in a meritocracy where all you have to do is work hard and you can get everything you want is a lie.

The capacity to work varies from person to person. And this isn’t just in relation to physical disability but disabling mental health experiences.

I’ve struggled for 7 year up until yesterday, and all of a sudden I’m someone with housing privilege. I didn’t earn this home. It was a gift from my mum.

But don’t I deserve it? Doesn’t everyone deserve this?

I say a hearty yes.

And yet, it feels bizarre because I don’t know myself as a person who isn’t struggling to survive.

I know it’s going to require a LOT of unpacking. My identity needs to evolve so that I can adapt to this move.

WHAT NOW?

My body still holds a lot of fear around what some of my family can do to me. And moving into this home feels a little bit scary because of it. I asked my mum if she’d agreed to signing a written agreement with me. Something to support my right to be in this home if toxic sibling relationships bleed over into my housing situation again. She is the best. I can’t celebrate her enough for going the extra mile here to prove that she loves me and wants what is best for me.

Because of the familiar instability story, I’m feeling scared to trust that I have a home or won’t be driven out of this house, too.

But I’m choosing to put faith in my mum now. And in the 50% possibility that this situation can work out really, really well.  

I get to return “home” and give myself the parenting I never had.

And I’m devoting 2021 to figuring out what this means. Integrating it and working through the painful associations with it.

Fulfilling little dreams like: the joy of being allowed to put pictures up on the wall, creating Pinterest boards for each of the rooms in my new home, watching Workaholics with the sibling I still have a relationship with, and feeling peace because I know my cat can call it his forever home, too.

Adapting to the fulfilment of bigger dreams like: freedom from  landlords and real estate agents, and knowing that I can finally put down roots.

Where the repeated upheaval of my life was a constant trigger related to feeling unloved by my siblings and mother, it’s being replaced with a  home that represents my mum’s love for me; a testament to relationships that are worth fighting for, parents who are people with their own stories and need a chance to be seen in their humanity, and children who never stop needing to know that they are loved.

Follow me on Instagram: @heycarriemaya

[sapienveneficus]

Elsie Fest 2019: A Broadway Music Festival Sans Broadway

Another year, another Elsie Fest. This year marks the Broadway festival's fifth anniversary, and it also happens to be the fourth Elsie Fest I've been able to attend. Coming off a the high of 2018's festival, this year's event had some mighty big shoes to fill. Did it succeed? In a word? No. I had fun last night, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't help but be disappointed by several aspects of the event. Let me break it down for you.

For those who haven't been to Elsie Fest, there's a rhythm to whole thing that's important to explain right at the top. The seating at the venue is, for the most part, general admission so people line up well before the gates open to secure the best spots near the stage. I joined the line about 2 hours before opening and, therefore, managed to snag a pretty good spot. I laid out my blanket, sat down, and took part in the hour-long showtunes sing-a-long lead, once again, by our favorite dynamic duo from Marie's Crisis. This hour of fun was a highlight for me; it always is. But this year especially it proved to be one of the few celebrations of Broadway to be found at this Broadway music festival. More on that later.

As the hour came to a close, and the guys from Marie's Crisis were wrapping things up on stage, I took a look around the venue. I couldn't help but notice that it wasn't as full as it had been the year before (or the year before that). That observation got me thinking, why was attendance down this year? After a bit of brainstorming, I came up with a few potential causes.

First up, timing. Elsie Fest has always been on a Sunday. Since the show moved to Central Park back in 2017, it has specifically been the Sunday smack dab in the middle of Columbus Day Weekend. For any international readers, Columbus Day is a federal holiday (like a bank holiday) here in the US that falls on the second Monday in October. So, for the past two years, Elsie Fest was been held in the middle of a 3 day weekend. Which meant it was generally easy for folks in the tri state area to make the trip into the city. Also, falling on a Sunday evening meant it was easy to get Broadway folks (even those currently in shows) to stop by since most shows only run a matinee on Sundays and typically have Mondays off. By choosing a Saturday this year, the organizers made it harder for some regular attendees to come out (people tend to have things to do on Saturdays plus, for some, it's the Sabbath), and they cut down on their talent pool significantly because they wouldn't be able to get anyone currently working on or off Broadway.

This segues nicely into the second reason for the potential dip in ticket sales, namely the featured performers. There weren't really any big names this year. Last year, for example, we had Sutton Foster, Joshua Henry, Grant Gustin, Matthew Morrison, Alex Newell, Nick Jonas, Zachary Levi, Casey Cott, Rufus Wainwright, Jodi Benson, and performances from Be More Chill and The Prom. This year, up until about a week before, the only big-ish name attached to the show was Gavin Creel. I say a week before because last week they announced Cynthia Erivo. I'm guessing she was added last minute in a desperate attempt to sell tickets. Which sort of worked, the venue wasn't empty, but kinda proves my point. By having this on a Saturday they weren't able to bring in the talent that they had in years past and, without those big names, they weren't able to bring in as many attendees.

Finally, the third reason for the lackluster ticket sales was New York Comic Con. This doesn't require much in the way of explanation. This weekend was New York Comic Con. Lots of the big panels, sales, and cosplay events fall on Saturday, and it's not a stretch to assume that NYCC and Elsie Fest are drawing from similar, if not the same, pools of people. So that probably hurt sales a bit as well. Though I suspect the two other reasons were larger contributing factors.

Okay, back to the show itself. After the sing-a-long, we were shown a quick trailer for High School Musical: The Musical – The Series. (You are not misreading what I wrote, that's the show's actual title) After the trailer, two of the kids came out to sing Breaking Free. Their performance was super cute, and I was reminded of the fact that HSM debuted in early 2006. Which means that all the tweens and teens who grew up with this film series are now fully-fledged adults. And they were out in the audience, in full force, singing along. It was a sweet moment to witness. And, not going to lie, I was singing along as well. I have a soft spot for the series myself. It'll always remind me of my first year of teaching. My students were obsessed HSM, and I was right there with them.

Next, Dyllon Burnside came out and performed an RnB version of Luck Be a Lady from Guys and Dolls. This number was okay. Dyllon's got a great voice and the woman who came up with him to dance as Luck was talented. But the performance had a rocky start because there wasn't an introduction. Someone just said into a mic, here's Dyllon Burnside, and then it started. I remember standing there thinking to myself, “Who's Dyllon Burnside?” I googled him today and found out he's on that Ryan Murphy show, Pose. It might have been a good idea to give that info up front. Anyhow, like I said, his performance was okay. RnB is not my cup of tea, but he had a good voice and a commanding stage presence so I could put up with that style for a single song.

After Dyllon, the composer of The Lightning Thief, Rob Rokicki, took the stage with a few backup singers. He performed Good Kid, The Lightning Thief's opening number. This performance was an example of how the timing of this year's festival hurt its lineup. Rob's a composer with a passable voice, not performer. And this song needs a cast of performers to be done properly. Unfortunately, Rob’s talented cast couldn't be there because it was Saturday night, and they had an evening show to do over at the Longacre. So we, the audience, were stuck with Rob. No offense to Rob, he seemed like a sweet guy, but he's not a performer. He should have been there to introduce his cast, not perform in their place.

After Rob, came the first set of the evening, a series of songs performed by Anais Mitchell, the composer/creator of Hadestown. I should probably begin this paragraph by explaining that I have not drunk the Hadestown kool aid. I have seen show, I did not like the show, but that is a matter for another post. Going into this set, I figured Anais would do a song from Hadestown and then take a few other Broadway tunes and put her folksy spin on them. That is not what happened. She sang 4 songs from Hadestown, and then a medley of songs from her newest album. To put it bluntly, her set was bad. Even if I liked Hadestown, which I do not, I would still have to be honest and say that she really missed the point of the festival. She was there to celebrate Broadway in general, not her show in particular. It'd be like Lin Manuel Miranda showing up and performing a whole bunch of songs from Hamilton. I mean, that'd be AMAZING, but I would have to be honest and admit that he would also have missed the point. What she should have done was a song from Hadestown, probably at the beginning, and then pick other Broadway songs. She could have told stories about showtunes that evoked special memories for her or demonstrated how certain showtunes might have folk elements hidden within them. What we didn't need was an ad for Hadestown/her latest album, but that was what we got. It was a real shame.

After Anais, Ariana DeBose took the stage. Thankfully, they gave her an introduction this time. Ariana's not a name yet, but that may change after Spielberg's West Side Story opens next year. (She's playing Anita) She kicked off her set with an RnB version of Shall We Dance from The King and I. Ariana is one of the artists who's been working on the R&H Goes Pop project on YouTube. Again, RnB is not my genre, but it was a good way to raise the energy there in the venue (as it at plummeted during the previous set) and to showcase her talent. Ariana has great tone, an impressive range, and real stage presence. So while I didn't enjoy the song itself, I was impressed with her performance overall. The next song she did was Invisible by Jason Robert Brown. It's a song off his latest album that he wrote for the Ronald McDonald House. This song was also done in an RnB style and, at this point, I started to worry that her whole set would be like this. Her next number was a medley of pop songs that dealt with cheating. It was fun, high energy, but again, it wasn’t Broadway. She could easily have used this to transition into Cell Block Tango or any other showtune about cheating (there are quite a few), but, alas, that wasn't the case. Instead, she covered Cold Play's Fix You. It was a great cover, don't get me wrong, but still not a Broadway song. At this point, I'd gone from starting to worry to full on worrying. Where were the showtunes? This is Elsie Fest, it's the one music festival for Broadway fans where their music is celebrated. That's why I love it so much and keep coming back year after year. So when her next number started off with All That Jazz from Chicago, I thought, “Finally!” but then she mashed it up with a few other Broadway/pop songs all sung by various “Divas” and my excitement diminished. Despite all of that, I held out hope that she'd close out her set with a song from West Side Story. It only made sense to get the crowd excited for next year's remake, right? Nope! Instead, she mashed up Donna Summer's Love to Love You Baby with Beyonce's Naughty Girl and I think an third song I didn't recognize, who knows? At that point, I was just glad to see her leave the stage; what a disappointment.

Gavin Creel was up next. He began his set with a mashup of hits from all the shows he's been a part of. I heard Put on Your Sunday Clothes, What Do I Need With Love, Ilona, Bad Idea, You and Me (But Mostly Me), and a moment of I've Got Life. This was a great way to kick things off; a reminder of all he's accomplished on Broadway thus far. Next, after a joke about always finding your light onstage, he performed Moving Too Fast from The Last Five Years, a personal favorite of mine. Then he did a song he wrote for a showcase he'll be putting on sometime next year. After that, he sat down at the piano to do Something Wonderful from the King and I. He ended his set with The Flesh Failures/Let the Sunshine In. Now, I knew he'd do something from Hair. I'd been hoping it'd be either Going Down (if you really want to hear someone gush about his version of that song, check out Seth Rudetsky's review on YouTube, it's delightful) or Where Do I Go?, but he chose the closing number instead. Not a bad decision, but it's not a song that can be performed solo. So, as it came time for the female lead's part in the song, I figured Cynthia or Ariana would come out to join him. That's the sort of thing that happens a lot at Elsie Fest. People will pop into each others sets to help out. Last year, famously, Will Roland, Grant Gustin, and Darren Criss teamed up to do Sincerely, Me during Grant's short set. And who could forget Aaron Tveit popping up during Leslie Odom Jr.'s set to duet with him on What You Own? But, for some unknown reason, Gavin tried to do the whole song by himself which just didn't work. So his strong set ended on kind of a sour note. I will say, Gavin's approach to crafting his setlist was perfect. He chose a good variety showtunes (old and new) and gave us a taste of what might be coming next for him. People working on set lists for next year ought to take notes. My only critique would be the lack of a female voice during his last number. Other than that, flawless.

Next, the cast of the upcoming show, Jagged Little Pill, took the stage. I had been looking forward to their performance as the show's been generating quite a bit of buzz since its out of town tryout last summer in Boston. At last year's Elsie Fest, both The Prom and Be More Chill performed two numbers a piece. So, with that blueprint in mind, I figured Jagged Little Pill would do maybe a lesser known Alanis song first and then end with a big hit. They started their set with Forgiven. It was a lesser known song that utilized the entire cast so it made for a strong opening number. I figured they'd end with something more well know like, You Learn or You Oughta Know. So I was genuinely shocked when they left the stage after only performing one song. What happened to their second song? Did they run out of time? Or, if for some reason they were only allowed one number this year, why did they choose such an obscure song? This was their chance to get the audience fired up for their new show, and by only performing Forgiven, they failed to do that. It was such a bizarre choice.

Cynthia Erivo, the lady of the hour, was up next. I'd missed her set at Elsie Fest 2016 so I was all the more eager to see which songs she'd choose to perform this time around. I figured she'd have to do one from The Color Purple, but the rest was anyone's guess. Would she go modern? Classic? A mix of both? There was no way of know, but I was excited to find out. She came out on stage, full of poise and grace, wearing these adorable cat-eye glasses and greeted the audience in such a sweet way. She seemed genuinely thrilled to see us all. She kicked off her set with Elvis's Can't Help Falling in Love. She sang it beautifully, but it was an odd choice. Then she sang Ain't No Way by Aretha Franklin. Again, she sang it flawlessly; this is Cynthia Erivo we're talking about. Everything she sings could be recorded and used as part of a master class in vocal performance. But where were the the showtunes? We were 0 for 2, and I was starting to get that worried feeling again. Then Darren came onstage with his guitar and accompanied her on Miss Celie's Blues by Quincy Jones. Also not a Broadway song, but it was featured in the film version of The Color Purple so it was a sort of nod to Broadway, I suppose. Then she did One Night Only. Finally, a showtune! Not one that I happen to like, but that point, I was desperate for something, anything. Next, she did a slowed down version of I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston, and I sighed internally. It's not that I don't like the song, I do, but it was yet another pop song. Clearly, no one had given the night's performers any sort of guidance so they were just singing, whatever. Cynthia followed up the Whitney Houston number with Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. If you're thinking to yourself, that's not a showtune either, you would be correct. The Lauper tune was how she ended her set. Again, like everything she performed, she sang it beautifully. My issue with her set was the overall lack of Broadway. This is Elsie Fest, a celebration of Broadway music. As a Broadway fan, that's what I want to hear. If I wanted to hear nothing but oldies, I'd go to an oldies music festival, if I wanted to hear all rock and roll, I'd go to one of those festivals, and so on and so on. I come to Elsie Fest for the showtunes, both old and new.

The last set before Darren's was Michael Feinstein's. Right off the bat, saving Michael's set for so late in the night was a very bad idea. He should have gone first or very nearly first when the audience was fresh and more forgiving. Michael is a very wealthly older gentleman. I don't know how he made his millions, but he was able to buy and open the cabaret club 54 Below so he's clearly got a few pennies tucked away. Maybe he flashed a few of those pennies to get such a prime timeslot, but that was a mistake. The audience was bored to tears by his set. Standing there while he performed I started to feel like the whole night up to that point had been a bit of a lousy dichotomy. Either listen to pop and RnB sung beautifully when all you want to hear are showtunes, or listen to showtunes sung poorly. I was standing there thinking, “Isn't there an option C? Didn't I pay to attend option C?” Yeah, Michael probably had a lovely voice back in the day, but that day has long since passed. He started his set with A Lot of Living to Do and then gave the audience a lecture on why Bye Bye Birdie is so important to the history of musical theater. Next, he did I Only Have Eyes for You from 42nd Street. He'd lost the crowd at that point. People were BORED. Then, after another lecture, he did the St. Louis Blues, badly. Then he put together I Don't Want to be Lonely Tonight with One Less Bell to Answer. The next song he did cannot, apparently, be googled so it will have to remain a mystery. Finally, at long last, he closed out his set with a Frank Sinatra medley. Darren came out to join him, which woke the audience up (some had literally laid down and gone to sleep). Looking back over his set, all 6 songs (5 too many if you ask me), I can't help but draw the conclusion that he gave the organizers of Elsie Fest an inordinate amount of money for a chance to perform. I hope they spend it wisely next year.

At long last, it was time for Darren's set. He had to go on 20 minutes late so we'll never know which songs he was forced to cut from the lineup. All I do know is that the 7 songs he chose were all winners. He kicked things off with a Glee song, Everybody Wants to Rule the World. It was excellent, pop at its finest. Next, he did Waving Through a Window and the crowd lost their minds. Fear not, I was right there with them; cheering and grinning like an idiot. If the crowed seemed keyed up during the Dear Evan Hansen number, they found a new stratosphere of joy to reach when he next performed Wait for It from Hamilton. It felt like suffering through all the bad sets that night had been worth it, almost. Next he pulled out his guitar and started to perform Wig in a Box and, I kid you not, I almost started crying. It had been a long night, full of disappointments, and Darren's set was pure perfection. He then paused, midway through the song, to bring out Lena Hall. What a treat! She sang her verse powerfully and then, Darren paused again to introduce John Cameron Mitchell, and the three of them brought the song home. I felt so euphoric at that point that I lack the words to properly describe it. What a historic moment! How do you follow something like that up? By taking things back to Hogwarts! First Jamie Lyn Beatty joined Darren on stage to perform Harry from AVPM. Next, Joey Richter and Lauren Lopez performed Granger Danger to riotous applause. Then, for the final number of Elsie Fest 2019, the entire Star Kid crew came out do do Goin' Back to Hogwarts. It was such a special moment; being in that crowd of fans singing along 10 years after the musical blew up online. After team Star Kid took their final bows, Darren thanked us and said he hoped to see us back next year.

Final thoughts, I hope to see him back next year too. But I also hope the organizers of Elsie Fest take a good hard look at how things went this year, and make some changes. First off, the festival needs to be held on a Sunday. To put on a festival, you need attendees and performers, and you're not going to get enough of either on a Saturday, you're just not. Second, they need to start booking talent now. They need names to bring people in. Because, even if fans are available, they're sure as heck not making the trip to see Michael Feinstein, someone who will be in a Spielberg film next year, and a kid from Pose. I'll even leave a few suggestions here: Ben Platt, Jonathan Groff, Lin Manuel Miranda, Jessie Mueller, Alex Brightman, Ethan Slater, Renee Elise Golsberry, Telly Leung, Eva Noblezada, George Salazar, Jenn Colella, etc. Third and finally, they need to have a good long think about what they want Elsie Fest to be. If they want it to remain a celebration of Broadway, then they need to book performers who are committed to that vision. If they want to change the vision, they need to let the audience know ahead of time so they can make an informed decision when buying tickets. To be perfectly honest, I felt a bit duped this year. I had paid for one thing but had gotten something else instead. So, there you are, Elsie Fest organizers. Do those three things between now and next October, and you'll have a successful festival in 2020.

[infinitelyblankpage]

Find The Word Tag (Larger than any word Mary Poppins could come up with)

I let them get away from me and now I have a billion (86!) words :D These words are courtesy of @indecentpause @forlornraven  @reeseweston  and @riftversus

Basically to make this easier on myself (I say after delaying so bloody long and accumulating so many words) The Games We Play is going to be in bold and Dark Magic will not.

Shall I tag people? I think so! TAGGING: @reeseweston @indecentpause @forlornraven @riftversus @type-writings @westywrites to find: Curse, figure, blunt, ache, flower, worn, clear, melody, music, game. (feel free to pick from the mammoth list below too!)

Words: oven, blanket, lake, wings, candle, cat, comfort, strange, gone, manage, book(s), sculpt, dress, smile, want, hungry, leaf/leaves, hand, night, circle, spun / spin, face, please, handle, palm, cough, inch / inched, edge, habit/habits,  teeth, center, eight, refuse/ refused/refusing, between, autumn, fire, round, fence, dusk, close, drop, grip, away, warm, over, score, thunder, growl, throw, slide, faint, dirt, hard, love, proud, round, shake, tower, anchor, next, grasp, fall, year, lost, time, edge, front, above, plant, break, tomorrow, yesterday, hug, end, suffer, year, sun, play, type, strap, swing, crown, beautiful, bright, mother, glass.

oven: Nope

blanket: Nope

lake: The surface of the lake rippled upon impact. Though small, it was one of the larger bodies of water the city had to offer.

wings: Caden sat steadily on the branch, his eyes tracking the tiny bird hovering in front of him. Its wings beating faster than Nathaniel’s heart.

candle: Nope

cat: “You came alone then?” Zachary nodded. “Are you going to come down and talk to me?” Without a word and with a grace Lukas would have expected from the cat, Zachary made his way down the fire escape.

comfort(able): Zach slipped his arms into the jacket properly and tapped Lukas’s knee. He obliged, moving his legs apart and Zach settled between them, leaning against Lukas’s chest. If he was being forced to sit on the ground at least he’d be comfortable.

strange: For the first time in a long time, Zach felt content. With his head on the pillow and Lukas’s fingers tracing strange, and probably random, patterns across his back, the tension of the past six months eased just a little.

gone: [Kayla] kicked a large chunk of porcelain, that looked like it had once belonged to a mug. “You should be thanking me. If I hadn't shown up when I had they'd be gone, and we'd have lost the contract. Then Sevrin really would kill you.”

manage: [Cal] chuckled and dropped their arm. Zach spun around, wrapping them in as tight a hug as he could manage. “Good to see you, Cal.”

book(s): The story was a fair way into the book and only a handful of pages. Zach tried to follow the words as Lukas read them, but each time he turned the page long before Zach reached the end, so he settled for listening to the low melodic hum of Lukas’s voice.

sculpt(ed): Zach wandered down the garden path, gravel crunching underfoot. He stopped by one of Cal’s sculpted shrubs, spotting Axel sitting alone on one of the benches, his ever-present coffee cup nowhere to be seen. 

dress: A slight woman in a patchwork dress, picked her way through the wreckage. She knelt in front of him, whispering calming words, wiping the soot from his cheeks. Zach didn't need to hear what she was saying, he simply watched her kiss the fire from his palms without flinching and scoop him up.

smile: She shot him a brief but tense smile and shuffled the papers in front of her, pulling one from the middle. “Are you aware of the charges against you, Mr. Donovan?”

want: Nathaniel sighed. Finding a foothold halfway down the wall, he eased himself back to the ground. “What could my stepfather possibly want at this hour of the morning?”

hungry: “Come on. I know you haven't been eating. You must be hungry?”

leaf/leaves: (cheating a little) Keeping his eyes on the beast before him, Lukas considered his options. He could stay and wait for it to finish him off, or he could run and still risk being mauled to death. Either way, he doubted he’d be able to jump anywhere in time. Instead, Lukas let a thin strand of shadows curl from the palm of his hand, figuring he could bind the panther and leave without hurting it.

hand: “Thomas!” Caden rushed the cell, hand outstretched. Their fingers barely met before something wrapped around Caden's neck and threw him to the ground.

night: Benjamin frowned, handing Nathaniel his discarded jacket. “That boy they caught last night, he's to go in the arena against more than a dozen infected.”

circle(d): “Too many,” Zach muttered. He circled a large cluster of names. They’d been killed relatively close together and Zach was convinced they were connected. The other names, from earlier years, he couldn’t make sense of.

spun/spin: “Wait!” Lukas took a deep breath and held the knife over his hand. He glanced up at Zachary, who'd spun around, watching the shaking tip of the blade. Lukas brought the knife down, hissing as he dragged it across his palm. Blood began to pool in his hand and he watched it, breathing through the sting. 

face: Nathaniel groaned and leaned back towards safety. The ground was higher up on the Limbus side of the wall and he could easily see the scowl on Benjamin's face. 

please: “Thomas? Thomas, say something.” Caden stretched through the bars his fingers barely grazing Thomas's disheveled hair. “Please …?”

handle: [Caden] welcomed the silence that followed her departure. The dead were so much easier to handle than the living. 

palm: “Cut your hand.” Zachary held up his own hand, pointing to a spot just above the center of his palm. “Right here.”

cough(ing): He fumbled through the cupboards for a glass, still coughing. 

inch(ed): “No.” Zach inched away. He couldn’t fight back and Lukas knew it. Any spell he cast would render him unconscious and he’d most certainly wake up with that thing clamped tight around his wrist again. This way he had a chance.

edge: Zach took a breath, his eyes stinging at the thought that someone could care this much and go to so much trouble. He sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands.

habit(s): His knees buckled and hit the ground. Johnathan’s shadow fell across him. Caden kept his head bowed, whether from habit or exhaustion he wasn’t prepared to know.

teeth: With his teeth, he undid the knot on his bracelet. He didn’t want to use it, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He could fix it later. Undoing just enough of the bracelet he tore a small piece from it and shoved the rest in his pocket. 

center: [Caden] pulled on the first draw. For a second he thought they were locked, but he gave it a hard tug and the draw came unstuck, rattling to the end of the tracks. Little letters lined the center of each section. He skimmed the lines and found the letter he was after. Some garbage about renewable energy sources for Limbus, not that any of it would ever be put into action.

eight: “I'll explain later. Just find it. The code is five eight five two seven.” Zach reached for the key around Lukas’s neck. The chain was gone.

refuse(ed)(ing): Nope

between: “What?” Zach looked between the eight council members, none of them prepared to show him any sympathy, or mercy. “No. No you can’t! I’ll die!”

autumn: Nope

fire: [Zach’s] aim sucked but the fire was large enough that if he missed he’d save the wolves the trouble of killing him and die of embarrassment instead. He inched towards the edge of the clearing, making sure he was still concealed by the shadows, and lobbed the pouch into the air.

(a)round: Caden pressed himself against the metal, curling his fingers around the bars. “I promise, I’m gonna get you out of this, okay?” 

fence: Nope

dusk: Nope

close: Zach doubled over, whimpering at the pain coursing through his body. Lukas leaned down and scooped Zach up, cradling him close. He turned back to Emily. “Get Sophia set up in the guest room. I’ll be there in a moment.”

drop(ping): “No, I mean me. You're not supposed to be here. Remember?” He held out a hand, eyes dropping to where he knew she'd concealed the gun.

grip: Zach tugged his arm from the Shadow’s grip and moved closer to the bar.  “Since I no longer have a place of residence, consider me surprised.”

away: “Hey.” Zach pulled his attention away from the marks. “You don’t need to treat me like I’m fragile, okay? I can take a hell of a beating before I break. These,” he indicated to the bruises, “aren’t the work of someone who hates me.”

warm: Lukas dropped Zach's wrists. One hand moving behind his head, the other snaked under his shirt pressing against the small of his back pulling him closer. The contact sent a shiver up his spine and his body buzzed. For the first time in months, he felt warm.

over: “Mr Abernathy, prompt as usual.” Zach looked for the speaker. All eyes appeared to be on the council woman at the centre of the line. She turned her attention to Zach, peering over the top of her glasses. “And the ever-elusive Mr Donovan. We meet at last.”

score: Nope

thunder: Nope

growl(ed): “Lukas,” Zach growled, “we will die here if you don't unlock this.”

throw(n): “Oh, Zach.” [Sammy] rested a hand atop the monitor, flicking the switch. The screen buzzed to life, static cutting the silence. Zach squinted down at the over-exposed image. In the centre of the screen lay a twitching figure. Their head thrown back in a silent scream. The image darkened, light no longer flooding the screen. Zach lurched forward pressing his hand to the glass. “I found your little friend trying to break in. Seems he’s rather fond of you. Well, almost as fond as I am.”

slide (I got a lot of slid but not slide, so have some slid): Lukas pulled several books halfway off the shelf before finally finding the right one. He slid it across the table. “You sure you’re good to do this now?” 

faint: Nope

dirt: He scanned the pack and found his target on the furthest edge of the clearing. On her wrist was the reason he was crouched in the dirt. A thin bracelet woven from thread that shimmered in the firelight, changing colour every time the light hit it. It was all the proof Zach needed of her guilt. 

hard: Axel closed his eyes, breathing hard. “You can’t promise that. You don’t … you don’t even remember!” Axel wobbled precariously, his foot slipping before he regained his balance.

love: Sammy ran a hand under Zach’s chin, lifting his head forcing Zach to meet his gaze. “Now, who do you love?”

proud: Johnathan crouched beside the post. “Not so proud now, are we?”

(g)round: Nathaniel groaned and leaned back towards safety. The ground was higher up on the Limbus side of the wall and he could easily see the scowl on Benjamin's face. 

shake: Nope

tower(ed): “Not used to healing normally?” Lukas peered over the top of his book. Somehow, the stack in front of him had grown in the last hour and now towered precariously above them both.

anchor: Nope

next: “You so much as bring a spider into this apartment I will kick your ass from here to next Sunday.”

grasp: His skin crackled with the absence of his magic. The more he fought the block, the worse it affected him. But he didn’t care. He just wanted it to stop. Lukas was there, prising his fingers away from the band, holding them tight in his warm grasp. 

fall: “Dark Magic is not something you want to fall victim to, by an enemy or a lover.”

year: A year of searching for him and now the only thing that stood in the way was the cold metal bars. Caden longed to close the gap between them. To know he wasn’t hallucinating or in some kind of cruel dream. 

lost: Lukas had lost contact with Zachary after their first meeting. He’d begun to suspect the worst when Lyra showed up at his door, closely followed by the young witch himself.

time: The councilwoman held up her hand, silencing them both. “Tragedy aside, it does not excuse your actions. You’ve admitted your guilt and while the council has taken into account all factors, we hereby sentence you to two years imprisonment, during which time your powers will be left under a block.”

edge: “Chasing down another lead. Got stuck on the edge of the Glitch dealing with infected.” Caden nudged the nearest body with his toe. “You leave anyone alive this time?”

front: “Fair point.” Zach knelt in the grass staring straight ahead. If his hunch was right, and he was sure it was, the coven would be somewhere in front of them. He released the mouse and watched it stagger before running forward. Keeping his eyes on the mouse he straightened up and asked, “How many witches have you dealt with?” 

above: This facility hadn't been authorised for anything Infected related. Caden reached for the file only to stop, hand hovering above the paper. 

plant: Nope

break: No, he was labelled a murderer the second people saw him. He’d naively thought he’d get a break from the accusatory staring with Lukas.

tomorrow: Nope

yesterday: Nope

hug: Lukas dropped his hands and pulled Zach into a hug. Zach tensed.

end: He pulled on the first draw. For a second he thought they were locked, but he gave it a hard tug and the draw came unstuck, rattling to the end of the tracks. Little letters lined the center of each section. He skimmed the lines and found the letter he was after. Some garbage about renewable energy sources for Limbus, not that any of it would ever be put into action.

suffer: “Have you heard the story about the witch and her shadow? Of course, you have. It's the reason your people suffer, after all. She loved her Shadow. Whoever said opposites attract was a fool or a liar.”

year: “What was I supposed to say? That I'm doing her uncle on the regular? I don't think that's really appropriate conversation for a five-year-old.”

sun: “A shadow who loves the sun, who would have thought.”

play: “These are the games we have to play to survive.”

type: Em smiled. It was a kind smile, the type only a mother could give. “Come into the kitchen, we’ll let these two talk a moment.”

strap: Nope

swing(ing): “No. Neither is Sophia.” Emily smiled at her daughter. Sophia was swinging her legs, scribbling across her colouring books, not paying the slightest attention to their conversation. “I’m a telepath. But you already knew that.”

crown: Nope

beautiful: Caden hovered in the door listening to the melody Nathaniel coaxed from the piano. As beautiful as it was he couldn’t let it continue. Caden cleared his throat and the sound faded.

bright(est): “It’s a big one.” Zach had to admit, it wasn’t his brightest moment. Every other book was what anyone would class as ‘big’. To save himself further embarrassment he added, “It chronicles all witch deaths. There’s probably a few volumes.”

mother: “And who do you think taught your mother that recipe?” Mr Abernathy shouted from sitting room.

glass: The cell didn’t offer much in the way of privacy, with four glass walls and constant fluorescent lights shining down on him, his pain became a spectacle for everyone who hated witches.

[taaroko]

Post-IW MCU Rewatch: Thor: The Dark World

Yay more Thor! (Yes I know this is widely considered to be the worst of the MCU movies and I DO NOT CARE. *hugs entire population of Asgard possessively*)

This prologue is ridiculous. I don’t know if it’s Anthony Hopkins’s inflection or if it’s just a step too far in the high fantasy direction, but it does make me cringe a bit. More showing, less telling! The prologues in the LotR movies were way more interesting than this.

The Dark Elf language also makes me cringe. I am very aware that it’s preposterous to assume that people from different planets speak English, but what’s most important to me is that actors cannot deliver nuanced performances when they are speaking gibberish. At least when it’s real languages, someone can coach them on inflection and stuff, but they really hamstrung Christopher Eccleston by making him say these silly-sounding lines.

Malekith has no imagination if the only thing he could think to do with the Reality Stone was turn stuff into dark matter.

“Benevolent god” indeed. Sending the Chitauri to slaughter people doesn’t really fit that description, sweetie.

Seriously Anthony Hopkins’s delivery is really weird in some places.

Odin is now three for three on children who showed scary genocidal tendencies, so I think there’s a lot of bitterness and feelings of failure behind what he says to Loki. Also Loki’s not showing any remorse at all, even though now would be a great time to explain that he was tortured and manipulated by Thanos. They’re both getting defensive and lashing out instead of engaging in meaningful communication.

Hi Sif! Hi Volstagg! HI THOR! He has such good entrances. Hi Fandral and Hogun! (Even if this is Zachary Levi Fandral with his stupid wig.)

The weapons the raiders are using are really interesting.

Hey I wonder if this Kronan knows Korg.

I love Thor’s smile when all the raiders laugh at his “I accept your surrender.”

*dreamy sigh* Asgard.

HUGIN AND MUNIN! And one actually lands on Odin’s arm! That’s awesome.

Odin ships Thor/Sif. (Me too, Odin.)

Obligatory shirtless Thor scene!

Volstagg and his family! *wibble*

Oh Sif. Rejected. (But Thor’s pretty nice about it.)

Jane is really quite socially awkward, isn’t she? Why did she go on this date?

It says something about how bad of a driver Jane is (hitting Thor, nearly driving off the road) that she would trust Darcy to drive her around (I guess Darcy’s record is slightly better, having only hit Thor once, while they were in the middle of a dust cloud).

“Why’re you calling me?” “I didn’t want to shout.”

Portals! Whee! (Honstly the portal shenanigans are one of the big reasons I love this movie. This crap is so much fun.)

I love the way Darcy wiggles her hand when she says “Gimme your shoe.”

Okay so the Dark Elves are set to wake up if the Aether gets activated? Headcanon time. Judging from all the creepy red lights in their ships, I think they used the Aether to make most of their tech, much like Schmidt did with the Tesseract. So yeah, if the Aether gets activated, their tech would react. That works.

Heimdall’s new armor has an orange stone in the breastplate. I thought he was gonna turn out to be the one who had the Soul Stone, and that it was the source of his infinite sight. ...I’m pretty sure I still like that better than what we ended up with in canon. Also, I only noticed this the other day, but Heimdall’s helmet is shaped the same as Hofund’s hilt, and that’s awesome.

Heee, I love Thor and Heimdall’s chat. I definitely believe that Thor would describe Heimdall as his best friend.

Whoops! Continuity error. Jane should not be in her Asgardian outfit yet. I guess they decided to move this bit to this part of the movie instead of later, but didn’t reshoot it.

Did Thor make this storm or is that just London being London? He does make it stop, I guess.

Sorry guys, Thor already has that dark strand of stuff in his hair; it’s not a Loki memorial braid.

Thor and Darcy’s interactions are always gold.

You sliced off part of that car!

Oh, question answered from before. You CAN see space rushing past from inside the Bifrost. Sweet.

Hi Eir! The Soul Forge is so cool.

Jane takes Odin’s rudeness pretty well. But dang, Odin. I know you ship Thor/Sif, but being mean to the competition is an elementary mistake.

That book is freaking awesome. It’s like the Book of Kells, except the images move and it’s in runes.

Dangit I don’t want the bad guys to be the ones who touch foreheads to show affection!

I really don’t like this look for Frigga. That one-boob breastplate is really weird.

The emotion in Loki’s scene with Frigga’s projection is so great. He wants to sever ties with Odin (or he thinks he does) but he can’t do that without severing ties with Frigga too, and you can see how much it hurts him to say anything that would hurt her. Which he plainly instantly regrets. And it’s the last thing he ever says to her.

Yessss more romantic exposition from Thor.

Hahaha, Jane is so much more shy around Frigga than Odin.

Man the way the Kursed dude kills people is really messed up.

Loki you would not be smiling at this dude if you knew he was going to do much more than cause a bit of mischief.

Thor jumping and grabbing Mjolnir is such a cool shot.

“It’s only because I’ve worried over you that you have survived.” Based on how Odin behaves as soon as she’s dead, that is extremely accurate.

Heimdall is so awesome. Oh, and I love the way the Dark Elves’ ships look almost like they’re made of dragon hide or something. Dragon hide or lava rock. Fantastic design. Fantastic movements.

This movie has so much more of Asgard in it than the first one, which is awesome. Even if it’s mostly getting pummeled by Dark Elves.

Those black hole grenades are freaking terrifying.

Yeah...if Loki hadn’t given that tip about the stairs to the left, the Kursed dude wouldn’t have arrived in time to help Malekith before Frigga finished him off, or before Thor and Odin arrived. :/

Frigga’s funeral is beautiful. The music, however, has been somewhat retroactively ruined by that play in Ragnarok. (Which I adore.)

Even if Loki doesn’t know how much his actions specifically contributed to Frigga’s death, I think he regrets helping the Kursed dude.

Hi Stan!

Dang, Asgardian law is crazy strict if Thor and the Warriors Three are casually talking about being killed by Einherjar if they screw up this plan.

This is so sad, because Loki actually doesn’t betray Thor at any point during this mission. He makes up for it by being incessantly irritating (which is the best stuff in the movie), but he sticks to the plan the whole time. The only one he betrays in this whole movie is Odin.

Okay the dagger/handcuffs trick by Thor is funny and all, but it really doesn’t hold up if you think about it. You’d definitely notice the difference between being handed a dagger and having thick cuffs put on.

Sif is very good at not letting her jealousy show too clearly. And her sword is awesome. Her and Volstagg’s threats to Loki are pretty great.

Peak annoying little brother stuff right here, when they’re in the Dark Elf blade ship. My favorite is “Oh dear. Is she dead?”

So Thor has the “face squashed against glass motif,” and I think Loki has a falling motif. Into the abyss in the first one, out of the ship in this one, and through whatever dimension Doctor Strange trapped him in in Ragnarok.

The flying longboats are so cool.

I love how much Loki likes it whenever Thor gets the better of him with sneakiness. He’s so used to Thor just smashing his way through stuff, so any subtlety he uses (especially when it’s successful against him) is fantastic in his book.

“Ta-dah.”

“What I could do with the power that flows through those veins.” I would love to see what Loki could do with the Aether. He’s already a master of illusions, and the Reality Stone would multiply that by about a thousand. It’d be awesome. And yet he sent it off to Knowhere instead of keeping it (or giving it to Thanos). Just like he kept the Tesseract safe in Asgard’s vault the entire time he was pretending to be Odin. If Loki had really done everything he did in Avengers of his own free will while in his right mind, he would not have gone to such lengths to keep multiple Infinity Stones away from Thanos. Heck, he might even have been the one to commission Stormbreaker from Eitri. I suppose he didn’t use the Stones himself because he knows as well as Thor does how deadly they can be to the wielder, or maybe he knew they’d draw Thanos to him like a beacon.

Thor thinks Loki wants to hurt him because he’s talking about Jane’s mortality, but Loki thinks Thor only cares about Jane and not the fact that their mother just died. They’re so bad at understanding each other.

The bittersweet smiles they exchange after “She wouldn’t want us to fight.”/“Well, she wouldn’t exactly be shocked.” are so painful to watch. They both desperately miss the days before any of this happened, when they were simply brothers, and I think they realize that about each other in this moment. But it’s not enough to fix everything, which is why Thor says “I wish I could trust you” and Loki says “Trust my rage.”

Ian is such a dope.

If a flock of starlings burst up through the ground at my feet like that, I would be scarred for life.

Thor’s plan is awesome. I totally fell for it in the theater. I thought Loki had double-crossed him and chopped his hand off, but they were working together the whole time. I kinda don’t think they let Jane in on it, though. Is the lack of blood on Thor’s arm stump a mistake or a hint that it’s a trick? *rewinds and squints* Ooh, no, it’s because the dagger has a glowy energy field on it! Insta-cauterization! Anyway, this would’ve been the perfect time for Loki to betray Thor for real if he’d wanted to, but he plays along. In part, I think, because he was so impressed with the plan.

Hey guys, even when Loki’s pretending to be a traitor, he doesn’t call himself Laufeyson. STOP CALLING HIM LAUFEYSON IN YOUR TAGS. Also his knife-fighting is awesome.

The Kursed dude’s eyeballs getting sucked out of their sockets was NOT a necessary detail to include.

“You fool, you didn’t listen!” What does Thor mean? What did Loki not listen to? Did Thor tell him that he was only supposed to protect Jane, not him?

Okay so I’m really not sure what the deal is with Loki’s fake death here. I have a couple different theories.

Theory 1: Loki really did get stabbed and really did believe he was dying. After Thor and Jane left to seek shelter from Thor’s uncontrollable grief storm, Loki reverted to his true form (because, dying) and that actually saved his life because Kursed blood isn’t as deadly to the Jotnar as it is to the Aesir, or his vital organs aren’t in the same place anymore, or something. So he was able to heal himself and take advantage of the situation.

Theory 2: Loki never intended to betray Thor, but he always intended to fake his death, both as a way of escaping prison and of avoiding Thanos’s retribution. So as soon as he finished off those four Dark Elves, he turned one of their corpses into a copy of himself and puppeteered it over to stab the Kursed dude and get theatrically killed. It would explain why the Loki who gets stabbed only has a Dark Elf sword and a black hole grenade on him.

I lean more towards theory 1 because I don’t really like the idea that Loki would trick Thor into thinking he was dead the day after their mother died, and also because when they filmed it, they actually meant for this to be Loki’s real death scene, and they only changed it later because test audiences didn’t believe Loki was dead. However, if I put aside my emotions, I have to admit that theory 2 makes more logical sense.

Would Malekith have found the Aether sooner if it hadn’t gotten into Jane? The movie implies pretty strongly that Malekith woke up because the Aether was out of its hiding place.

Mjolnir on the coat hook is such a great gag.

The elevator in Malekith’s ship looks like a spinal column, which is some fantastic design.

Thor’s battle trash talk is always delightful.

PORTAL SHENANIGANS. YESSSSSS.

Poor Mjolnir. It’s trying so hard to get back to Thor. I like to think that when it shatters the glass of that building on its way back up, it’s doing so in frustration.

Hi Jotunheim!

So apparently this isn’t remotely how you get to Greenwich from Charing Cross. Whoops. Maybe that girl was just really flustered at being addressed by Thor and gave him crap directions?

Jane really likes trying to throw herself between an unconscious Thor and a thing that she thinks might kill him.

POETRY. Malekith tried to destroy the Asgardian army by dropping his fleet on them. Now he gets killed by his own ship falling on him.

How’d Loki know about Thor’s line to Odin “There will never be a wiser king than you”?

“I can assure you, it will be absolutely safe here in my collection.” LIAR.

It’s so cool that Chris’s wife is the one who played Jane in the end credits scene. I’m not sure how they failed to do this kiss scene with Natalie in the first place, but whatever.

Every time Thor’s about to show up somewhere in this movie, there’s thunder. :D

Okay so the biggest problems with Thor: The Dark World are that Malekith is the dullest villain in the entire MCU and that Thor kinda doesn’t have a character arc. In a movie where half of his family dies (as far as he knows). How is that even possible? Despite the beautiful funeral, Frigga’s death was really kind of glossed over, and then Loki seemingly dies too, but even though those are very powerful scenes while we’re in them, they don’t leave much of an impact on the rest of the movie. You don’t really feel those losses in the way Thor fights Malekith. Thor should’ve been struggling to stick to the plan instead of just whaling on Malekith blindly with Mjolnir. He should’ve had some breakdown with Jane there to witness it and comfort him. Instead he’s the one comforting Jane when she blames herself for all the loss he’s suffered? No no no. He should’ve either been very emotional, very bent on revenge, or smiling and joking through the pain like he does in Ragnarok and Infinity War. This stoicism is not effective, and it probably contributes to so many people’s (mistaken) belief that, prior to Ragnarok, Thor was a boring character. And Malekith’s side of the battle would’ve been better if it had been personal for him too. He could’ve been more upset at the death of his buddy Algrim, or maybe he had family members who were killed by Bor, which is why he’s so keen on killing members of Asgard’s royal family now. It would’ve been so easy to make this an emotionally intense fight. Instead, it’s merely fun because portal shenanigans. *shrug*

Despite not having much of an arc, Thor is still wonderful. He’s funny, he’s more thoughtful and wise than he’s ever been, he’s gallant, he’s romantic, and he’s getting better and better at working as part of a team and finding solutions besides smashing stuff. Also he makes the best entrances, has awesome armor, and is mesmerizing to watch in battle. I adore him.

Other stuff this movie has going for it. So much more Asgard screentime, even if they cut a few scenes I wish they’d left in. The music is still great. Everything looks gorgeous, and the Dark Elves at least have interesting technology and costumes. No Dutch angles. Plenty of screentime for Heimdall. Every single second of Thor and Loki’s scenes together, being obnoxious bros to each other but still working as a very effective team (heralding all the excellent contentious Brodinson stuff to come in Ragnarok).

[barbaramoorersm]

November 29,2021

November 28, 2021

First Sunday of Advent

Jeremiah 33: 14-16

The prophet points to a decedent of David whom Christians believe to be Jesus.

Psalm 25

The Psalmist is speaking about the qualities of God.

1 Thessalonians 3: 12- 4:2

This is an authentic Pauline letter which urges conduct that pleases God.

Luke 21: 25-28, 34-36

Luke, toward the end of his Gospel uses apocalyptic literature to speak about the final coming of Christ.

Luke, the author of two volumes, his Gospel and the Acts of the Apostles, is our liturgical companion for this new church year. It is interesting that on this first Sunday of Advent, the Church selects readings that do not focus on the birth of Jesus but the end times.  One scholar thinks that the coming doom of which Jesus speaks may refer to the coming destruction of the Temple.  We know the Temple was destroyed around the time Luke wrote his Gospel.  Whatever Luke or Jesus intended one theme is clearly present in our readings this weekend.  It is the power and importance of alertness.   Alertness or awareness has a dual aspect to it.  It can refer to our own personal lives and/or to the context and environment in which we find ourselves.   And that alertness can draw us into a position of hope.  We find that hope expressed in the Gospel when Jesus says, “…stand up, and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near”.

That same hope is expressed in the words of Jeremiah today. “The days are coming when I will fulfill the promise I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah.” God is speaking of restoration, reform and hope even as exiled and suffering people await them.  So too, Paul in the second reading speaks of his hope for the Thessalonians, as he writes, “And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love…”.

Hope and positivity seem out of reach in many quarters of our lives these days, don’t they?  Covid maintains its presence.  Civility maintains its absence.  Often the common good seems out of reach.  For some, violent words and actions seem to be the tool many use to achieve their agenda.   It plays out as gun violence increases in many of our cities and communities.    

But Advent has arrived.  In an article entitled, “Coming, Ready or Not: The Character of Advent Hope” Sam Wells writes, “Advent hope recognizes how bad things really are but knows that God is always bigger”.  This season reveals that fact when we reflect on the meaning of what we are about to celebrate.  The Divine One joins us in our difficult and happy days as one of us to show us that God always has the last word.

Luke’s Advent story reveals the truth of that promise as a courageous woman named Mary and her spouse find themselves in a difficult place but know that God has the last word.  When Elizabeth and Zachary find themselves in the difficult place of barrenness, but they come to realize that God has the last word. When the shepherds, not always the most attractive folks, encounter the child, they know that God “is always bigger” than we realize.

Advent is a season that invites us to be aware and alert to the world around us as the above ancient figures realized.  Advent invites us to admit how hard things can be at times, but that the birth of Christ and the power of the Incarnation are bigger than all of it.  Awareness and alertness are not always easy to practice.  At times we can get caught in our own troubles and we turn much of our attention inward.  Awareness invites us to look beyond ourselves to the other and what they may be experiencing.

Advent invites us to be more deeply aware of the struggles faced by Mary, Joseph and the personalities in the early life of Jesus, and the world into which he was born.  Obviously, God our creator knew of the struggles of the first century community into which Jesus was born but deliberately chose it.  Think of the multiple choices God had.  In a sense God’s choice was grooming the child soon to be a young man, and one who would speak of care for the most vulnerable.  Awareness of the needs of others was a hallmark of Jesus’ life and ministry.  He was so alert to the people around him.

Perhaps as these Advent weeks unfold, we might examine our own lives and ask how aware and alert are we to the needs of those around us, to our own needs we often ignore, and the needs of those who suffer around our wounded world?

[randjadaptations]

Romeo and Juliet in Figure Skating

Romeo and Juliet is something of a warhorse in figure skating. In just about every competition and at nearly every level, there’s a good chance that at least one skater will be using it as one of their programs. While it’s more common in singles skating and at the junior level, it’s entirely inescapable. However, that doesn’t mean adapting Romeo and Juliet to figure skating is easy. Much like ballet, they only have the music and their bodies to work with. However, they also have a time limit (free programs can’t be more than four minutes; older rules occasionally allowed men’s programs to be four and a half minutes, but that’s not much better) and instead of a whole cast of characters, there are only one or two skaters on the ice. This only allows them to focus on the main plot, but it also allows them to put all of their energy into telling just one specific part of the story. It can be a hindrance, but also an opportunity. Most programs follow the pattern of a serious music cut, a soft and romantic cut, and another serious cut that’s meant to represent Romeo and Juliet’s death. Still, within this pattern, there’s lots of room for innovation and experimentation. 

Ekaterina Gordeeva and Sergei Grinkov (Watch here)

Widely considered to be one of the best pairs teams in the history of the sport (there’s a lot of argument about it because there are so many good pairs teams), Ekaterina Gordeeva and Sergei Grinkov skated to Romeo and Juliet in 1990, earning them a gold medal at the World Championships. They picked Tchaviosky’s suite, but because you apparently can’t do a twenty minute free skate, they cut the music and moved some things around for length requirements. They followed the typical serious-soft-serious pattern of mood for the music cut, and while it wasn’t especially unique, it worked for them. Like a lot of skaters who skate to music from Romeo and Juliet, they went very Italian Renaissance with their costumes, just to make sure we all get what they’re skating to. On a personal note, I really appreciate the level of puff on Sergei’s sleeves. A lot of men’s costumes are very plain, but he went for the drama. Good for him. 

Their skating was incredible. Ekaterina made two mistakes on jump landings, but their throw jumps were huge, their lifts got insane distance and speed across the ice, and their skating skills are to die for. Seriously, I can even see how deep their edges are on that video, and that’s footage that was very clearly shot in 1990. Who needs side-by-side jumps when you can do that? And they were far enough ahead of the rest of the field that they could afford those mistakes. Ekaterina and Sergei had great sync with each other here; it felt like watching two parts of the same machine. I never felt like they were going to fall. Even when they did mess up, I wasn’t nervous because they skated and told the story with so much confidence. 8/10

Sasha Cohen (Watch here)

So I’m not usually a person that likes things that make them cringe, but I love Sasha Cohen’s Romeo and Juliet. Was it a mess? Yes, but stick with me here. This program did, in fact, cost her an Olympic gold medal. She fell, twice, in the free skate at the Olympics. And not even in men’s, where they spend half the time on the ground anyways! This was a group of ladies who knew how to land jumps. But the thing about Sasha Cohen’s falls in this program was that she got up and continued the program with such grace that I found myself going with it. That’s the magic of Sasha Cohen. And the falls in this program made it that much more tragic, which works really well when you’re skating to Romeo and Juliet. You felt the despair there. Everyone felt the despair. We all suffered together here. 

That aside, Sasha went for the Nino Rota Love Theme (you can check out my thoughts on that piece here), and it really worked for her. The softness of the piece allowed her to be very gentle. The emotion expressed here was all in subtle facial expressions and delicate arm movements and it snuck up on me. I didn’t notice how attached I got to her performance until it ended. Her spiral sequence was iconic, her spins were as lovely as always, and no one has ever come close to her perfect posture. And hey, she did well enough in the short program that she did wind up with a medal! Just not the one she had wanted. 7/10, because her falls here made me wince so hard that it hurt my face. 

Yuzuru Hanyu (Watch here)

So the interesting thing about Yuzuru Hanyu is that he actually has skated to Romeo and Juliet twice; first at 17 when it won him his first World Championship medal, and then again at 19 when it won him his first Olympic gold. I’m analyzing the first one on account of liking it more, but honestly, they’re both great. Plus, the first Romeo and Juliet (affectionately called R&J 1.0 by fans) is what launched his career in seniors and allowed for him to eventually win that first, and then a second, Olympic gold. It’s worth attention. 

The costume here wasn’t exactly Italian Renaissance men’s fashion inspired, but it clearly gave off a dramatic, historical vibe, so I approve. And his emotional investment in the program is just insane. For the louder, dramatic portions, he’s emoting all the way to the back of the stadium, but for the softer, lovey-dovey section in the middle, his movements are soft and gentle, with all the subtlety and grace of Sasha Cohen. He goes everywhere on the emotional spectrum here, and is able to do it effortlessly. Yuzuru is out there forcing the audience to feel invested in the story he’s telling, making us understand the high stakes and get invested in the romance because he’s clearly so invested in it. On a more technical note, his jumps are out of this world and the knee bend on his landings should be in physics textbooks because honestly, how does he do it? It’s a mystery that we’ll need science to solve. 

He does have a minor fall on some steps, but it’s less agonizing than Sasha Cohen’s falls because the competition is slightly lower stakes, and Yuzuru went into this World Championship with nothing to lose. It was his first ever time at senior worlds, and he wasn’t favored to podium at all. Sasha, meanwhile, was the favorite for the Olympic gold. Big difference in falls there. Also, the scream right as the music changes into the step sequence? The stabbing choreography? Yeah. He went for all of that. He didn’t hold anything back. 10/10, Yuzuru Hanyu told everything he could of that story with everything that he had, and it was excellent. 

Anastasia Gubanova (Watch here)

This program is technically the most stereotypical Romeo and Juliet program of all of them. It’s in the demographic that uses Romeo and Juliet the most (junior ladies), done with one of the music pieces most often used in Romeo and Juliet programs (Nino Rota’s Love Theme), and is typical down to the costume (Renaissance Italy with a cross somewhere on it). This should, in theory, bore us all to tears. But just because Anastasia Gubanova isn’t breaking any new ground here doesn’t mean that this isn’t a fantastic program. This program shows why so many of these choices get made, because when they’re done well, they’re incredibly moving. 

Anastasia’s program has a melancholy feel form start to end, although it gets more serious and doomed as the ending draws nearer. Her jumps are light and airy, and she skates with a confidence and grace that makes it hard to believe that she’s only fourteen years old. She has a total commitment to the choreography, although that sometimes makes some of her arm movements just a little bit too wavy and distracting. She resolutely stays in character as Juliet except for when she lands her last jump and it becomes clear she’s landed all of them perfectly, but the breaking of character for a smile is more endearing than distracting. Plus, she managed to get right back into it for the last spin. All in all, an impressive program that makes it clear why some typical Romeo and Juliet program features became so widely used. 8/10

Junhwan Cha (Watch here)

Unlike just about every Romeo and Juliet program I’ve ever seen, Junhwan Cha did a program based on the 1996 movie instead of just using some music from it. As in, he used the funky pieces that most skaters tend to skip over and fully leaned into the weirdness. He even went for ending the program on a gunshot instead of the typical stabbing choreo! It sort of followed the basic serious-soft-serious structure of Romeo and Juliet programs, but with a bit of disco in between each one. And do you know what? He basically pulled it off, and was really committed to some of those choreography choices. 

There were a few things about this program that I wasn’t a fan of. I didn’t love the voiceovers, especially the one that was just reading the prologue of the play. I thought they were a little corny, and it only worked on the last one. I’m sorry, but the absolute drama of Leonardo DiCaprio screaming “Juliet!” while Junhwan lands a triple loop and does that thing with his arms? That absolutely worked. The other voiceovers could have been cut, though. He also didn’t have the skating skills and emotional expression of the other skaters I’ve talked about so far. Junhwan was by no means bad (he won bronze at the Grand Prix Final for a reason), but it wasn’t quite at Yuzuru, Sasha, or Gordeeva and Grinkov’s level. Still, he did something unique and surprising while keeping the story in tact, and I appreciate that. 7/10

Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue (Watch here)

There are things that I do like about Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohue’s Romeo and Juliet. There were a few interesting chorographic movements! Their lifts were solid! They had solid skating skills (as they should; ice dance is all about basic skating skills) and were super fast across the ice! It’s just that there was far much more to dislike about this program, which is rough for me personally because it won them a bronze medal at the World Championships that I would have much rather given to the team that placed fourth.

The costumes here were just objectively awful. It’s okay for Romeo and Juliet programs to not have Renaissance-inspired costumes, but what’s not okay is that strange color that’s between beige and dishwater gray for Madison’s dress. Zachary’s costume did just about nothing to mitigate the damage. The opening arm movements were stiff and awkward, the voiceovers were once again not great, the third music section was tantamount to torture (the dramatic piece was fine, but it had bits of “Kissing You” poorly edited in), their chemistry on the ice was mediocre at best, and they committed the unforgivable sin of giving Romeo and Juliet a happy ending. It’s just...not what the story is for. The whole point is that the violence and misery doesn’t resolve until at least one of the lovers dies. But they went for a happy ending, in which case, they should have just done a totally different program. 2/10

[glassheartcd]

Holy shit this is really long

CHARACTER LAYERS ;;

tagged by: @porcelainghosts​ (thanks beb)

tagging: @sukkubxs​, @malcapo​, @verfolgxr​, @mitsuisms​, @edencursed​

Ryoto Mori

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE.

name: Ryoto Mori  eye color: Red  hair style/color: Black / Straight / Short height: 5′9′’ / 175 cm clothing style: Tends to favor casual clothing, can typically be found in darker color tones as well. Though he switches it up every now and then. best physical feature: People have told him his eyes are rather attractive. They hold a distinct look of focus within them.

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE.

fears: losing Rio or Noelle, screwing up on a contract, failure, not being strong enough to protect what he cares about. guilty pleasure: Watching a lot of old school anime. He deeply enjoys something like Fooly Cooly biggest pet peeve:  He absolutely despises pretentious people. ambitions for the future: He kind of wants to retire from the assassin business. Honestly, it wasn’t his first choice of profession, but he joined because Rio did. He might just run a tech shop if he could, that or go into teaching computer science.

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS.

first thoughts upon waking up: He usually considers going right back to bed, but gets up and gets ready. Then he’s probably thinking about how he’s going to modify his drones to be more effective at gathering intel. what you think about most: He thinks a lot about his sister, if she’s safe and if she’s doing well. If it’s not her, he’s thinking about Noey all the time. Mostly because he’s confused on where they both stand. what you think about before bed: What he’s going to do the next day, if he should go to sleep at all and just pull an all nighter, and usually about whatever he’s done with Noey. That or he thinks about how he can at least try to help her. what your best quality is: He thinks it’s that he’s pretty good at deciphering things. His intelligence is one of his prides, though he doesn’t try to be pretentious about it.

WHAT’S BETTER?

single or group dates: Single dates. He prefers one on one time and doesn’t like hanging around too many people at a given time. to be loved or respected: He would rather be respected, but love is pretty nice as well. beauty or brains: Brains dogs or cats: Dogs

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU…

lie: Regularly. Though it’s mostly about the aspects of his job to those who don’t work in the business. believe in yourself: Yeah, he’s smart and he knows it. Hence why insults to his intelligence angers him. believe in love: Not at first, but he kind of does now. want someone: He’s got her, kind of.

LAYER SIX: EVER BEEN…

been on stage: no done drugs: no changed who you were to fit in: Not really.

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES.

favorite color:  Black or Red favorite animal: He has a thing for Shiba Inus. favorite movie: Absolutely enjoys watching mystery movies favorite game: Turn Based or Real Time Strategy. He’s logged far too many hours in Starcraft 2

LAYER EIGHT: AGE.

day your next birthday will be: June 21 how old will you be: 24  does age matter: Yeah, he won’t date anyone below nineteen for the simple reason that it makes him uncomfy or if they’re older than five years than him.

LAYER NINE: IN A PERSON.

best personality:People who are strong and show that they care about those important to them. best eye color: Noey’s. Brown  best hair color: Doesn’t really matter best thing to do with a partner: Playing video games.

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE.

i love: Noelle, let’s be real, he doesn’t care what happens to him, if she’s at risk, then he’ll gladly die for her or at least take hits for her. i feel: Tired as hell i hide: My job i miss: My old sword. i wish: I could have a normal life.

Shuya Miyazaki

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE.

name: Shuya Miyazaki eye color: Brown/Silver  hair style/color: Black / Straight / Short height: 5′9′’ / 175 cm clothing style: He likes wearing a lot of business casual clothing, that or he goes for the goth aesthetic best physical feature: People have told him he’s very easy on the eyes. 

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE.

fears: Losing Kimi guilty pleasure: He plays Slime Rancher a lot, and owns like three of the plushies from that series. biggest pet peeve:  He absolutely despises people who don’t stop looking over his shoulder while he’s drawing. ambitions for the future: He wants to get his first manga published, though for that, he’s gotta make it first.

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS.

first thoughts upon waking up: He usually thinks about what he’s going to do in class. Then he’s thinking about the story of his manga. After that, he’s usually thinking about Kimi. what you think about most: Shuya is usually thinking about how he can improve on his art and make sure he doesn’t become stagnant. what you think about before bed: He’s usually thinking of Kimi. what your best quality is: He’s a damn good artist and he’s got a good ear for listening to people.

WHAT’S BETTER?

single or group dates: Single dates. He prefers one on one time and doesn’t like hanging around too many people at a given time. to be loved or respected: He would rather be respected. beauty or brains: Brains dogs or cats: Cats

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU…

lie: No, this is part of the reason why he’s so abrasive. He’s brutally honest most of the time. believe in yourself: Hell yeah he does. He’s got a spirit bound to him and can make a damn good piece of art. believe in love: He does. want someone: He’s currently dating a snarky blue haired girl known as Kimi.

LAYER SIX: EVER BEEN…

been on stage: Yes done drugs: no changed who you were to fit in: Hell no.

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES.

favorite color:  Black, Green or Purple favorite animal: Cats favorite movie: Absolutely enjoys watching horror movies favorite game: Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey 

LAYER EIGHT: AGE.

day your next birthday will be: October 31 how old will you be: 21 does age matter: Kind of. He won’t date anyone younger than eighteen.

LAYER NINE: IN A PERSON.

best personality:People who are strong and show that they care about those important to them. best eye color: Gray best hair color: Doesn’t really matter best thing to do with a partner: Sit around and just shoot the breeze.

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE.

i love: Kimi, his girlfriend, his cat Midori and his parents. i feel: Great i hide: Cato i miss: My old sketchbook. i wish: I could have bubble tea.

Zachary Taylor

LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE.

name: Alistair Lecroix/ “Zachary Taylor” eye color: Brown/Silver hair style/color: Black / Straight / Shoulder length height: 6′1′’ / 185 cm clothing style: He likes wearing a lot of business or formal clothings. That being said, he also has a preference for long coats, boots and dress shirts. Genrrally, he goes for a more modern version of his older outfit. best physical feature: People have told him he’s very easy on the eyes. Though his eyes are beautiful to look at in the low light settings. 

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE.

fears: Losing Eun-Ji, falling back into his old habits, not being able to die. guilty pleasure: He watches a lot of cooking shows. biggest pet peeve: People who wish for immortality because they’re afraid of death. ambitions for the future: He hopes that he’ll be allowed to pass on, and perhaps be reincarnated.

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS.

first thoughts upon waking up: Nine times out of ten, it’s about Eun-Ji and how beautiful she is. Then he thinks about what he’ll make for breakfast. After that, he’s mostly thinking about what to do. what you think about most: Either Eun-Ji or his long life. what you think about before bed: How lucky he was to find someone like Eun-Ji who doesn’t judge him for what he did. what your best quality is: Zachary is a master at reading people. Not to mention his supernatural ability is unique to him.

WHAT’S BETTER?

single or group dates: Single dates. He likes spoiling his partner, that or teasing them while in public. to be loved or respected: He would rather be respected, but love is pretty nice as well. beauty or brains: Brains dogs or cats: Dogs

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU…

lie: Yes, regularly, at least to those who aren’t friends with him. believe in yourself: He didn’t at first, but having someone like Ji helped him gain faith in himself. believe in love: He does. want someone: Eun-Ji, all the time.

LAYER SIX: EVER BEEN…

been on stage: Yes done drugs: Once changed who you were to fit in: Never have, never will

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES.

favorite color:  Black, Blue or Brown favorite animal: Lizards favorite movie: He enjoys psychological thrillers favorite game: Final Fantasy

LAYER EIGHT: AGE.

day your next birthday will be: August 14 how old will you be: 4,360 does age matter: As long as they’re above twenty, he’s fine.

LAYER NINE: IN A PERSON.

best personality:People who are compassionate and those who want to help others succeed. best eye color: Blue or Brown best hair color: Doesn’t really matter best thing to do with a partner: Sit around and just shoot the breeze.

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE.

i love: Eun-Ji i feel: Great i hide: What I am. i miss: My mother i wish: I could live happily with Eun-Ji

[creativemarissa-wju]

Personal Art History

Growing up I was never really an artistic or imaginative child. I have always had bad handwriting and still cannot draw a straight line nor an evenly curved line. I was a kid who loved to be outside and running around and playing games like hide and seek or tag, basically anything that was an established game. However, I was always very jealous of anyone who was creative and could create anything from the bare minimum materials. However, as I have gotten older, I have become more accepting of the fact that I may not be able to create things that are non-realistic so I have taken up photography in the last few years as well as painting a bit (no paintings pictured as I tend to forget to take pictures of them). My family has always been supportive of my creativity in any manner and since I have taken up photography, they love to volunteer me for anytimes someone wants photos taken and I have been designated as our vacation photographer (meaning I always get to look like a tourist with a camera around my neck…). One of my fears when creating art (specifically painting) is that people are not going to know what it is supposed to be since I tend to paint real objects. However, my fears with photography are that I will not capture a good shot at a location or that when I edit a picture, I will make it look worse than the raw photo. Therefore, when I am taking photos, I tend to take over 300 per hour and when I edit, I look at the before and after after each adjustment. I try not to let anything keep me from creating art as I like to use it as a mental escape when I feel overwhelmed by life. I also enjoy following photographers on instagram so I can frequently see their art and when I travel I like to go into art galleries when I pass them. I apologize for such a long post but art is something I believe should never be taken away and everyone should be encouraged to do, no matter what form they choose.

1st photo (Sonora Pass tree): taken in 2018 on the Sonora Pass, Ca. My first edited photo.

2nd photo (Zachary Hackett in Auburn) taken in 2019. About a year into self teaching photography.

3rd photo (Rougaroo, a Boerboel or South African Mastiff) taken Sept, 2020 with no edits. 3 years into self teaching photagraphy.

[nomorelonelydays]

fic submission

Vegas Thing no. 5

(Thanks for the nice response to these by the way. I don’t think I’ll put this up on AO3 because I don’t want to write the build up, but if you like it I have more sidgeno on there. My AO3 username’s CloudCover, and my hockey blog on Tumblr is @knifeshoeoreofight).

They don’t wake up together quite like in Zhenya’s more romantic daydreams. The alarm shrilly blares them awake. Sid rockets up to a sitting position, hair standing up ridiculously and a dazed expression on his face. It’s still the best thing Geno’s ever woken up to.

Sid groans and rubs at his eyes. “G. I gotta go get a change of clothes from my locker downstairs. Meet you in the parking garage in 30?”

“Bring you coffee,” Zhenya says in agreement, drinking in the sight of Sid’s shoulders stretching a T-shirt of Zhenya’s that he’s yanked hurriedly on. Sid turns in the bedroom doorway to look back at Zhenya for a moment, and his face is so open and soft. What does he see, Zhenya wonders. Surely the way Zhenya feels has to be written across his face, clear as day.

“See you in a sec” is all Sid quietly says.

Downstairs, Zhenya dithers with his two travel cups of coffee, staring at the casino shops. Should he bring Avery something? It’s the thing to do, isn’t it, bringing gifts to people in hospitals? Especially a child. Zhenya can’t imagine how awful an extended hospital stay’s got to be, for a little kid like that. Something soft, he thinks. Comforting. He ducks into one of the shops and comes out with a stuffed penguin. It’s got a sweet expression and it was the softest one in the store. Plus, he knows Sid likes the Penguins NHL team. He’s mentioned it once or twice.

Sid’s quiet on the drive over, just sips his coffee and gives Zhenya brief occasional directions. Zhenya, meanwhile, is oscillating between nerves about meeting Avery and pleased excitement about having Sid in his car, driving him around, like an ordinary boyfriend. He wants to hold Sid’s hand over the gear shaft or something, but Sid has both his hands wrapped around his coffee and Zhenya doesn’t know how to ask without sounding dumb.

The hospital is awful. Well, there are colorful murals on the wall and the staff all seem very nice. But the children. While Sid’s talking to the woman at the front desk a little girl is wheeled past them, so fragile her skin seems translucent. She smiles up at Zhenya as she goes by and his chest aches. Zhenya trails after Sid as they make their way to Avery’s room. He feels too tall, too looming, too tainted to be in a place like this. In his line of work, Zhenya knows he’s been directly and indirectly responsible for a lot of suffering. But this place? The world feels too wounded and full of hurt to draw breath properly. And Zhenya had added to the world’s hurt, in his own way. Before.

He doesn’t have time to follow that thought to its end. They arrive at the room Avery’s in.

“Hey, bud,” Sid says, the timbre of his voice achingly gentle. A small, tousled dark head turns on the pillow, and the little boy’s eyes light up.

“Dad!” Sid goes to him, and as he bends over his son, Zhenya stays in the doorway, heart flooded. Suddenly, he finds himself the subject of intense scrutiny as Avery stares him down over Sid’s shoulder as Sid hugs him close. “Dad. Who’s that guy?”

“Oh!” Sid draws back, and turns to look at Zhenya too. “That’s Geno. He’s Dad’s friend. He gave me a ride this morning.” Avery looks unimpressed. “Kiddo, I gotta go talk to the nurse for a minute, ok? You say hi to Geno. I think he brought you something.” And Sid slips out of the room. Zhenya wants to catch at his sleeve, keep him from leaving. He’s met hitmen with kill counts in the triple digits, and they didn’t scare him as much as the undersized six year old staring him down just now does.

“Hello,” Zhenya manages, and moves forward to hand Avery the penguin. Avery takes it and thanks Zhenya politely, but doesn’t smile, just keeps regarding Zhenya with a downright unnervingly perceptive expression.

“Is this so I’ll like you and say nice things about you to Dad?” Avery asks, dropping his gaze to the penguin and slowly petting its plush fur. Zhenya blinks. What the fuck. “Zachary used to do that. But after a while he wasn’t so nice anymore. Do you like to yell?” Avery continues. Zhenya doesn’t know who the fuck Zachary is, but he thinks he wants to kill him.

“I’m never-I’m never yell at you. Or your papa. And my mama raise me to be polite. It’s manners, you know? To bring someone in hospital something nice,” Zhenya says, and braves settling himself into the chair at Avery’s bedside.

“It’s a very nice penguin,” Avery agrees, with the cadence of someone who’s been firmly instructed in Canadian manners. He’s so like Sid. Zhenya has to smile. Avery regards Zhenya again for a moment. “You talk different.”

“I’m from different place. Russia. It’s very far.”

Avery looks intrigued at that. “My dad is from far away too. From No-va Sco-tia.” He pronounces it carefully. “It snows there. I’ve never seen the snow.”

Zhenya smiles at him. “Snows in Russia too.” And then Avery has a dozen more questions about what else happens in Russia. With a young child’s brief attention span, however, he changes tack abruptly in the middle of Zhenya’s explanation that yes, while Russia has moose and bears just like Canada, Zhenya grew up in a city and has never seen any.

“Do you like my dad?” Avery asks, out of nowhere, and Zhenya swallows.

“I do.” He can’t say anything other than the truth. “I’m like him, so much.”

“Dad takes really good care of me,” Avery continues. “But sometimes he’s sad. He pretends he’s not, but I know. And he works all the time, and he’s too tired to play with me sometimes. And then he’s really sorry, even though it’s ok. I know how to play by myself.” Zhenya’s heart is breaking.

“I’m want. Want to take care of your dad. Help him not be tired. Make him most happy. But is secret, you can’t say to him yet,” Zhenya manages to rasp out.

Avery nods solemnly, with that strange maturity of his. “That’s okay then.” And he smiles. And it’s-it’s like the sun coming up.

“You’re good boy,” Zhenya says, and to his shock, Avery reaches for him with his thin little arms. Zhenya carefully hugs him, completely overwhelmed. “Dad!” Avery cries then, and unwinds his arms from around Zhenya’s neck. Sid’s back. “Mr. Geno is from Russia, and they have snow and mooses like where you came from, too!”

“Snow and mooses, huh?” Sid smiles down at his son. Avery beams back at him.

“Mr. Geno gave me a penguin. I’m gonna name him Phil Kessel. Phil Kessel is cool ‘cus he was sick and I’m sick, but he got better. Like I’m gonna get better. You can marry Mr. Geno if you wanna, Dad.”

“Wha-” Sid blinks, and goes red. “Avery-”

“Mr. Geno gave me a present like Zachary but Mr. Geno says he doesn’t yell, ever.”

Sid’s face has now gone white, and the expression on it makes Zhenya feel sick. “Ok bud, that’s enough excitement for today, eh? I need to go to work now, and, ah, Mr. Geno needs to get back to his…work…too. You be good and listen to the nurses and doctors ok?” He kisses the top of his son’s head, and holds him tight for a long moment, face pressed into the dark curls that are so like his own.

“‘Kay, Dad,” Avery says. “I’ll be good.”

“I know you will. You’re the best, bud. Love you most.”

“Love you more,” Avery replies, and Zhenya can tell the exchange is a treasured ritual. With reluctance, Sid lets go of his son, and they go.

Sid’s face is frozen in something still and awful, and he doesn’t speak the entire ride back to the casino.