#On all levels except physical I am a cat yada yada

[bookmark-extraordinaire]

If I ever did videogame streams on YouTube I'd use a Vtuber of my sona but since I have no idea how that works I think the next best thing would be using a fursuit

[falling-stars-and-open-scars]

Well fuck {TW some meanspo directed at/for myself}

Note: I am a legit dumbass. Do NOT do what I do. I do NOT advise this for anyone but myself. I am NOT a doctor and willingly acknowledge that I am causing more damage in the long run. Please please PLEASE do NOT do as I do. You are far too good for this, kiddo. <3

May 25th, 2020

Hey guys. I know, I haven’t written in a while. Life’s been crazy and busy and stressful and yada-yada-yada, I ended up gaining back *ALMOST* all of the weight I lost at the start of the year (from 290, down to 270; then back up to 283). 

Suffice it to say, I’ve been SUUUUPER pissed at myself for not having more control of what I eat/drink, allowing myself too many breaks from the plan. What makes me even more upset is the fact that my best friend also started to lose weight (she was 199 and is now down to like 170) -- SHE has managed to keep it off {and of course, everyone is commenting on how good she looks}. BUT she also has prescribed medication to help her; so it’s not like she’s doing this by sheer willpower alone like I’m trying to do. She honestly doesn’t need to lose weight, she looks just fine for her frame/age; but she’s medically considered on the obese side and she wants to try to donate her eggs for money. {Let’s just ignore the fact that I’m like Morbidly Obese Level II >_>} 

My point is: she’s fine the way she is. People still find her super attractive. She can still FIND her size in any store she walks into. She can still eat and people won’t be disgusted by the sight of it; they actually encourage her to eat MORE because “Oh poor thin thing, you haven’t eaten since yesterday at lunch”. She can do everything I can’t. She’s still the pretty princess and I’m just the smart-ass fat sidekick. 

God damn, I just want to be considered beautiful. I want to feel comfortable in my own damn body.  I’ve started doing camming, and while I do have a small following, I absolutely HAAAATE the idea that they are ONLY following me because of a fat fetish that they have....they ONLY view me as attractive because of my size, like my size is something to be proud of {newflash: it’s not}. I’d rather be a cute, tiny thing, than this big blob of uggo. But, as it stands now, that is exactly what I am: a blob of uggo.

I don’t think I will ever get down to my 16-18 year old weight (which back then was 160-180). I think I need to accept that, the absolute best I can do will be 200. I will never be 160 again. I will never be 130 again. I will never be this small, fragile doll that people want to care for and love. At best, 200. Which, I guess isn’t bad for a 30 year old; I’d rather be 200 than 300. 

It absolutely sickens me to be this way; to be 30 years old and 300 pounds -- knowing that, if something doesn’t change, I WILL be 600 pounds at some point in my life. It disgusts me to think that, on My 600 Pound Life, they STRIVE to be my size or less. It disgusts me to think that my size is someone else’s goal because who tf wants to look like this, who tf wants to look like me?

So, I have decided that I need extreme help. Trying to do keto AND low carb AND restrict was too much...so now I’m just restricting (hardcore). From 1,200 kcal limit per day to 800kcal limit per day (except on work days, then I will allow 1,000 because I have to lift 50+ pound dogs of various temperaments multiple times a day PLUS deal with pissed off feral cats -- I NEED to have my strength and wits about me those days so I don’t get bit and I can’t do that if I feel like ass/feel like I’m going to pass out). 

Yesterday, I did amazingly well and was actually UNDER my limit for the first time in months {capped off at 547/800}. Today, it’s so far so good at 380 {and it’s not quite lunch time yet; speaking of which, I think I’ll have a diet cherry coke and call it good}. I haven’t weighed myself in about a week and, given that ol’ Satan’s waterfall is brewing in my uterus, I don’t think I will right now; I’ll wait a little while longer. 

Overall, I’m still really mad at myself for letting go, for undoing all of the work I put in. I think that, deep down, the fact that no one noticed my weight loss or commented on it; made me unmotivated. Because 30 pounds lost on a 300 pound person doesn’t LOOK like much of a change; whereas a 30 pound weight loss on a 180 pound person IS a noticeable change, even though they lost the same amount of weight. I think I crave praise and positive attention because I cannot tell it to myself and truly believe it -- too many years with that negative voice, that negative self-talk, to believe anything good about myself; so I MUST hear it from others whose opinions I actually value.

{Ooof, that got deep real quick}

So, in summary:

800 cal limit, EXCEPT on work days (So Monday, Thursday, and Friday; Volunteer days do NOT count even though I’m basically doing my regular job but just slapping a “volunteer” label on it)

Period/Satan’s Waterfall/Monthly Subscription does NOT excuse me from weight loss. You want chocolate? Tough, eat an apple. Oh you’re cramping and irritated? Food’s not gonna fix that, ride the wave and deal with it.

If you dont know the calorie count, PUT IT TF BACK!

Ring-Fit at LEAST once a week for at LEAST 20 minutes {in addition to the physical demands of your job}