#Ok the last one is just me coping with the fact that they got rid of elemental weapons and arrows for the fuse mechanic

[gensnix]

So apparently totk isn’t getting a dlc here’s some botw->totk things that make me go mmmmh 

[jimblejamblewritings]

changes hurt | part 2.

Summary: (Y/N) has always been one of the stronger Alphas. Which is saying something when the Avengers is a team overrun with Alphas. A mission gone wrong changes her entire world and when everyone starts treating her different, she doesn’t know if she can cope. Change hurts and (Y/N)’s not sure it’s a pain she cant bear.

Warnings for the Series: strong language, angst, fluff, assault, a/b/o dynamics, sexual content (not sure if there will be smut or just talks, leaning more to just talks but since I don’t know, let’s just say 18+ readers only)

Pairing: Steve x black!reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist)

“That mine?”

You jumped at the sound of Steve’s voice making him smirk at the fact he actually startled you. The entrance to the duplex suite you had was on the floor with Steve and Sam’s rooms. It was late enough when you came back, almost all the lights in the tower were off, that you thought no one would be up. He had only been up to grab some water. A huff sounded from behind Steve and you rolled your eyes. Sharon was clearly still there and not pleased at your sudden scent that invaded past the open doorway and into his room.

She got up and stood behind him, wrapped in just a sheet. You were on suppressants and had just come from satisfying your rut with a very nice Omega but the scent of what Steve and Sharon had been doing all night was beginning to start yours up again. Some sweat beaded on your forehead.

The two other Alphas watched the sweat with intensity and two separate emotions. Sharon felt her rut start up again filled with pure spite as her eyes narrowed at you. Steve felt his come back but his eyes weren’t narrowed at all. Instead, fully dilated pupils followed the sweat down the side of your face and neck disappearing behind his leather jacket that didn’t smell right. He growled, sniffing the air again to see if he could identify the presentation of the mysterious stranger.

“You let an Omega rub his scent all over my shit?”

From behind him Sharon scoffed on his behalf. You crossed your arms, not appreciating her input.

“Needed my little problem solved, found a willing body. Didn’t mean to get it on your jacket, Stevie, my bad,” you said, nonchalantly.  

“What did you do, let him fuck you in it?”

That accusation caused you to growl. You stepped up to Steve, invading the barrier of the doorway.

“Let’s get this clear I would never do that to you. I respect you too much as our team captain and another Alpha and my friend. I didn’t mean to let some nobody, especially a random Omega we don’t know try to mark your stuff. He probably took it when I wasn’t paying attention, make a little quick nest.”

“I wa—”

You didn’t give him the chance to apologize.

“It’s late, all three of us are still in rut. I’m calling it up to on edge nerves. Water under the bridge. I’ll let you two finish fucking. Your stink is trying to rile me up again, I’ll give the jacket back when the scent is gone. Don’t forget, we meet on the helipad at 10 for the mission.”

Steve grabbed your arm to stop you. Sharon immediately had a hand on his shoulder. He looked at his hand and then your eyes.

“I didn’t mean for the last part to come out like that, it was meant to be a joke. I know it was an accident. I respect you too.”

“Ok, I still think we should rest. Rut still blew it out of proportions. Goodnight, Stevie. Sharon.”

“Night, doll,” Steve said much to Sharon’s annoyance while she muttered a goodnight.

You continued down your intended path to your room and up the stairs to the bed and bathroom area. Stripping off your clothes, you stepped into your shower. You didn’t shower at the Omega’s place, not wanting him to get some idea that you were considering him as a claim by sticking around past the sex. Once you smelled only like you, you slipped on underwear and headed to bed.

At the last minute, you reached for the jacket thrown at the edge of your bed. The quickest way to get rid of scents was to replace them instead of waiting for them to fade away. It was accident but you still felt bad and wanted to fix it for him. You shrugged on Steve’s jacket to replace the Omega’s scent with yours which you knew he could tolerate more. It wasn’t the best sleeping material but because of how worn it was, the leather was comfortable enough to wrap yourself in and fall asleep.

Late morning came and you stretched with a complaint to FRIDAY— the AI greeting you back as she turned on the lights in your room. You buried your nose in the leather jacket and took a deep inhale. It mainly smelled like you but there was still the linger of the guy from last night. It would take one or two more nights to get rid of. You shoved the jacket in between the clothes in your closet, hoping that would help since you couldn’t exactly wear it on a mission.

You tugged at your suit and met everyone on the helipad where the quinjet was up and running, waiting for everyone. Tony handed you the new bo staff before walking into the jet and sitting at the driver’s seat. You threw it up in the air and caught it, the weight making your hand drop more than normal. Your palms glowed a bright red and slowly the staff did as well. The minute you stopped, the glowing did as well and the staff stayed intact. Knocking the staff against Steve’s shield that was sitting on a seat, you smiled hearing the sharp clanking noise. The staff was vibranium, it had to be. Hopefully it would be the end to you having to get a new weapon every other mission.

The rest of the team piled in, Peter smiling at you and giving you a hug in thanks that he was on the mission. The team chuckled, he was like a little brother to you. Clint once tried to say he was your child but was swiftly met with a boot to the chest as you told him not to accidentally curse you with kids before you were ready or wanted them. The jet ride was silent. Not uncommon when a mission came after most of the team had been in some form of rut or heat. No one liked to talk because they were tired and opted to take the concentration they had to focus on the mission.

You decided on teams for once you got deep inside the base and snuck into the old castle. You grumbled that if it wasn’t the enemy that killed you it would be the falling rocks from the ceiling of the dilapidated structure— the comment making the rest of the tired team smile.

“One of you smells,” Steve and Bucky said at the same time.

The entire team stopped and did a test. You shook your head.

“This might be your supersoldier senses, no one else smells. Everyone took the shot before we left.”

The shot was a masker engineered by Bruce and used by most intelligence agencies either using his formula or a replica once they learned they could make their own. It never lasted long and was carefully tracked but it masked scents from wafting too far past a person, making spies able to do their jobs properly.

“One more check, to be safe,” Steve said.

Everyone sniffed again. Peter stiffened beside you.

“It’s not us,” he whispered.

Bucky and Steve took over completely and worked to find how far the scent was from where you guys actually were standing. The supersoldiers returned with a new plan and new teams. Stepping up to the plate, Tony took Peter under his wing to head down the south hall. You were with Bruce, one slap to his bicep with your heated up hand and Hulk would activate no problem. Nat and Clint were paired up along with Vision and Wanda. Steve, Sam, and Bucky were the famed trio to no one’s surprise.

This mission was worth going in standard teams you guys knew worked. With a final look at everyone, Steve nodded and you all split— turning on the comms and walking with a new alertness. The fighting sounded through your ear piece. You and Bruce looked at each other, it was coming from Nat and Clint. They couldn’t get you an exact location in reference to them. You whisper-yelled for Sam in your comm.

“Can Redwing get Bruce and I to you guys?”

“On it, give me a minute… stairwell straight ahead and go to the right. We’re… three flights down.”

You and Bruce started to book it. The team needed all the help they could get. You narrowly avoided getting hit by a guard that just got knocked out from Steve’s shield. Heating up your palm, you slapped Bruce and Hulk roared to life. Your staff got hotter and hotter until it was bright red. Men screamed as the staff burned them and you spun it with expertise.

“You’ll never get it,” one man said.

He was dressed differently than the others and you knew he was in charge. A beaker was in his hand.

“You’re the only one still standing,” Nat said as she slowly inched to him.

He held the glass with little regard and they couldn’t risk it spilling by ambushing him.

“And this is the only formula successfully completed. I can tell when I have lost a battle… but a battle isn’t war. Think quickly.”

He threw the glass. Everyone watched in horror and screamed for someone to grab it. You were the closest and without thinking dove for the glass— hands still red hot from fighting. The beaker burst in your hands, cutting the skin and causing the substance to seep into the wounds.

“Shit!” you yelled.

“Bruce, get her back to the tower and into medical now. Tell Rhodey to send us a second jet,” Steve commanded. “Everyone else clean sweep the place, we need to find files or something.”

Your hand started to burn before going numb. Bruce, no longer in Hulk form, rushed you back to the quinjet. Your whole body had started to go numb and Bruce worried it was going into shock. Dr. Cho was already waiting with a gurney to take you into the private wing reserved for the Avengers team. The last thing you remembered was Bruce saying everything was going to be okay before the anesthesia or poison, you weren’t sure which, took over and you went unconscious.

~~

Dry. Your throat felt very dry when you woke up. The coughing startled Bruce who had been sleeping in the chair next to your hospital bed. He rushed to grab you water and held the cup up to your lips as you drank. He set the cup down and moved from the chair to sitting on the edge of your bed.

“How are you?”

“I feel like I got hit but a goddamn bus, Bruce.”

He chuckled. “At least that mouth of yours hasn’t lost any bite… (Y/N), there’s a problem.”

“Yeah, I almost died.”

“No, but you might wish you did.”

You raised an eyebrow. “What the hell do you mean?”

“I want you to know, before I say anything, no one else knows but you and me. I was the only one that studied the compound of the substance. And aside from Dr. Cho, no one else worked on you. She only pulled out the glass and helped drain the wound.”

You looked down at your left hand. It wasn’t damaged but you could see where there was a cyst that must have been drained.

“And no one else has been allowed in here but me. You’ve been out for a week.”

“A week?! Bruce what the hell?”

“The substance they were working on was a changing component.”

“Change how?”

“Presentation. It’s meant to mutate presentation cells… you’re no longer an Alpha.”

You shook your head. “Brucey this isn’t funny.”

“I’m not joking. The cells were either destroyed or mutated into Omega cells.”

“You’re lying! You’re fucking lying to me!” You screamed before Bruce slapped a hand over your mouth.

“If you don’t shut up, someone’s going to barge through that door and smell it on you.”

He tilted his head to the frosty glass windows. You could see outlines and shadows of the entire team on the other side. Three heads moved slightly and you stilled— obviously Peter, Steve, and Bucky could hear the movement. You looked Bruce in the eye and nodded slowly in indication that you wouldn’t shout. Bruce handed you the file and talked as you flipped through it.

“I’ve destroyed all the files but one locked in my nesting stuff, not even Nat is allowed to touch that box. This isn’t on your medical record either. I’m going to lock this up with the file as well when you’re done reading it.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

Bruce poured you another glass of water.

“That’s why I destroyed everything. I know this can’t be easy but it’s still your decision, (Y/N). Alpha?” Bruce asked gently when you seemed to stare into space.

You almost recoiled, the word seemed to scorn you as you looked at the file that said otherwise.

“How long can I hide it?”

“They’ll know the minute you change clothes. Roseanne gave me a jacket, said it would help… I lied, I told her. Three of us know.”

“It’s okay, I trust Rose.”

You sniffed the jacket, it smelled strongly of Steve. Enough to mask whatever scent you might be giving off— you refused to sniff your own skin, afraid of the truth. But it didn’t take a smell for you to know that something had changed. You found yourself melting into the jacket in attempts to bury yourself in it.

“The maskers,” you said with delight thinking of the pre-mission shots.

“Are highly monitored by the system to stay within the intelligence community.”

“Bruce, please. I can’t be this. My nature got changed by force. This new one is not mine.”

“I can possibly fake the numbers.”

You shot over to give him a hug. Bruce set you back.

“You’re on these for the rest of your life you know. Or at least until I can try to change you back. But if I can’t,” he faltered.

“I understand.”

“Okay, I’ll bring you the first batch of injections after dinner. Don’t shower before then and keep that jacket on you.”

You nodded seriously and Bruce helped you out the bed. You were forever grateful to the good scientist. The team rushed you when you stepped out of the room and you froze up in fear.

“Back off guys, she just woke up,” Bruce came to your rescue.

They all suddenly apologized and gave you space. You secretively sniffed the air as the team talked about the bullshit lie Bruce told them about the serum that got you— you could only smell the jacket and hints of every other team member. You walked into the elevator and tapped your foot nervously as it slowly made its way up to the residential floors. You forced yourself to stop tapping, not willing to give in to the nervousness of the Omega cells trying to take over.

Dinner was a tense affair on your part and you only breathed when Bruce finally knocked on your door to deliver the masker injections. He patted an extra box on top of the injections informing you that he had gotten himself a prescription for Omega suppressants for you to use. You couldn’t thank him enough. You showered and sat on the edge of your tub.

Normally you were wild with the injections, everyone was. But now you wanted to make sure that it was perfect, that every drop entered your bloodstream. You pulled the band tight around your thigh, holding it taut between your teeth until the faintest semblance of a vein appeared. Carefully— and rather painfully because of the slow speed— you sunk the syringe into your thigh and pushed the top of it until all of the injection was gone.

You took a tentative sniff. Nothing. Opening the box, you ripped one of the pills from the package and chewed it harshly. You grabbed underwear, ready to slip into bed when you thought about pajamas. If you had put on more clothes that smelled like you— Alpha you— then maybe it would help. Instead of grabbing fresh clothes, you reached into your laundry basket to pull out pajamas. They absolutely reeked of your scent and you smiled. It would probably mean you could never wash your clothes again but as long as you didn’t spill something on it, you would be fine, you hoped.

It was hard to fall asleep at first. You tossed and turned in attempts to figure out why, eventually sitting up straight. The second laundry basket stared at you. It smelled like all your teammates and too many pieces were invading your personal space. It was uncomfortable. Grabbing the basket, you tossed any other stray pieces from the other team members into the basket and headed out on your mission to return their stuff.

Thor and Clint weren’t there so you left the piles at the door. Tony and Pepper didn’t even question the return. Wanda was just grateful to have her sweater back and you laughed when she got mad that it had some of your smell on it. She jokingly glared before digging out Vision’s stuff and giving you a hug goodnight. Bruce answered the door to his suite and with an understanding face took his, Nat, and Bucky’s stuff from you without a word. You returned to your floor to give the last bit of clothes. Sam didn’t complain that his shirts smelled a bit like you and threw the clothes behind him without a care. He was telling you funny stories about the week you missed making you laugh. The next door swung open and Steve walked over.

“Heard you were giving back our stuff,” he said with a chuckle. “Can I get that one shirt back? You’ve had for like two weeks.”

“Your too tight shirts? I’m doing you a favor.”

Sam snorted at your retort and Steve rolled his eyes as he reached into the basket and started grabbing his clothes. His pile and Sam’s piles were significantly bigger than the others. You couldn’t help but growl when his hand went to touch the large silk scarf. The growl was Alpha but the reason behind it was pure Omega which only made your growl harsher from your frustration at that.

“What? It’s mine.”

“You don’t even wear it.”

“Tony makes me wear it sometimes at those events.”

“I use it to tie my hair at night.”

You ripped the scarf back from Steve’s hand and dropped it in the basket. He looked down in some surprise at the fury with which you grabbed it. His fingers reached for other pieces and your eyes watched his movements like a hawk. Anytime you growled, Steve’s fingers would drop the fabric and just grab something else. He grabbed his leather jacket. You growled, expecting him to drop it. Steve only gripped it tighter.

“No, I’m not letting you have this one.”

The snarling started and it was another stare-off— only Steve meant it in jest and you were being serious with him for once.

“Stand down,” he said.

“No.”

“It’s my jacket.”

“I wear it better.”

“I don’t usually do this but Stand. Down.”

Steve used the Alpha command and your eyes tore from his gaze. He thought it was because he won, you knew it was because you were smothering a whimper and hoping it died before it escaped your lips. Sam cleared his throat.

“If you two are gonna bang, not outside my door please.”

That snapped you both out of it. Steve added his jacket to the pile in his arms and you bit back a whine. Steve shook his head.

“Thought the rut was over,” he said like it meant nothing.

Steve’s nose upturned. His eyes moved slightly past Sam’s door, not able to actually see inside.

“You got an Omega in there?”

You tensed.

“Yeah,” Sam said as he pulled the door closed.

Steve shrugged. “It’s normally that secretary isn’t it? Smells different.”

“Not bonded to any one, Cap. Can take a different partner if I want.”

Steve agreed and adjusted the pile in his arms. He gave the two of you smiles and retreated back to his room, content that most of his clothes were returned to him. Before you could take a step, Sam grabbed the scarf from the laundry basket. You turned to him. He held it delicately in his hands.

“Tell me why the fuck I just lied for you before I mark this all over with my scent.”

You growled and made a move but the basket blocked you from reaching fully. Sam gripped it tighter and held it close to his face.

“Stop.”

It came out a whine instead of a command.

“You can’t tell anyone. I’m serious, Sam. Swear it to me.”

“On my life.”

The scarf dropped from his hands and back into the basket as you finished your story. He sniffed the air aggressively.

“That stupid stare-off is making the masker ineffective.”

“I wasn’t expecting Steve to use a command. I can’t use another injection until morning, Bruce and I have it carefully planned out. There are no extras.”

“Be careful, (Y/N). And stay in your room until morning before you start to smell up the place.”

You nodded and headed off before Same called your name.

“This doesn’t change anything,” he said. “I don’t see you as any lesser. Understood, Alpha?”

You wiped at your eyes, feeling tears already start.

“Thanks, Sam. But it’s just you. We know what would happen.”

He swallowed with a nod and you retreated back to your room. Steve’s scarf smelled sickly sweet as you tied up your hair with it. The room was clear of everyone else’s smells. Only yours, Steve’s, and the two things from Sam that he let you keep to try and calm you down filled the room. It was better that way. You drifted off to sleep with a very tired command to FRIDAY to lock your door and bar all entrance until you woke up in the morning.

(Part 3)...

[the-toasted-teacake]

Hi, can you read the following and let me know your thoughts please? Would mean a lot. It’s my first bit of Carlando writing. Love your writing!! Also your blog too! Hope it’s not too much to ask!! It turned out to be a lot of words but once I started I couldn’t stop, thanks if you do read it!!

………………..

 Two days.

That’s all he had to wait until he could see Carlos. If he’s honest with himself he hadn’t realised till now how much counting down he had done the last week whilst he’d been away with family and friends. If he’s overly honest with himself he didn’t want to acknowledge the amount of counting down done. That would be too much honesty for Lando.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed his time away with his family and friends in Croatia and the several other places they’d travelled to on the stunning boat they’d hired for ten days, it was just that he really couldn’t wait to be in Carlos’ company again. He wouldn’t have been half as bothered about seeing Carlos again if it weren’t for the fact they’d practically spent no time together in the first half of the season.

There was no doubt about it, since Carlos had left McLaren and Daniel had came in, it hadn’t been the same. Not only because of the new atmosphere Daniel bought, but also because Lando had nowhere near seen Carlos as much as he used to. Different hotels each race weekend. No more Carlos living half an hour away in a car and definitely nowhere near as much Fifa. It hadn’t been easy. That’s where Lando drew the line at admitting how difficult it had been though because any further admittance of this made it look like he couldn’t cope and was a massive cry baby missing his old teammate far too much. If he’s overly honest again, he really hadn’t given Daniel the time of day due to still being in complete shock that Carlos had actually left McLaren. It had been a shock since day one of finding out and the shock hadn’t left his system.

Lando was a bit nervous about seeing Carlos again. He was hoping that all the unspent time together hadn’t created an awkward atmosphere between the two of them, he was sure it hadn’t, but you never know. Anyway, even if it did, they had plenty of activities to enjoy to forget about any awkwardness. Lando was flying from Greece over to the Balearic Islands where Carlos was with some of his family and friends. He felt bad that he was leaving Max and the rest of his friends in Greece but he couldn’t refuse Carlos’ offer of four nights spent together as they would be immediately separated again the week later by their hectic F1 world’s.

Just two little days to go he thought. If he could make it five whole months without properly seeing Carlos, then he could definitely last two more days.

And what a two days it was.

Lando had the best two days of the entire holiday, probably because he tried to enjoy it more due to knowing he was leaving them early. What a reward he was getting at the end of those two days as-well; four nights spent with Sainzy. How lucky he was. He could barely contain his excitement once he’d said Goodbye to Oliver and Savannah at the port. Oliver had noticed and had obviously teased him about it. “This is the most excited I’ve seen you all holiday and of course it’s as your abandoning ship to see Carlos”. Lando had just laughed in response. “Tell him I said hi and to not injure my younger brother before the second half of the season starts please” Oliver said as Lando got into the car taking him to the airport. Again, He just got a laugh in response. It was more of a scoff really as Lando knew Carlos would never put him in danger. He never had done, if anything he’d protected him at all costs.

The closer he got to landing, the more the butterflies came. He didn’t know why, but he knew they were definitely there. A few deep breaths later and he regained a little bit of composure. Nervous about seeing Carlos? No surely not. Sort your self out Norris he said to himself quietly.

The airport was busy so he made his was through it as quickly as possible. He really didn’t want to be noticed right now. Eventually he found himself in the arrivals terminal where he was expecting someone to be waiting for him as previously mentioned by Carlos over text. He couldn’t seem to find his name being held up by anyone though. Just keep walking and you’ll find it he thought. Out of nowhere a voice shouted “Landoooo”. He froze immediately. He was hearing things surely. Carlos had not came himself to the airport to get him. No way. Surely he had sent someone.

He eventually plucked up the courage to look over to where the voice came from and stopped dead in his tracks. His feet were frozen to the floor and he couldn’t move. The butterflies had well and truly taken over. It was Carlos. Carlos had came to get him from the airport. Carlos had got into a car and drove to the airport to pick him up. Why was this such a big deal to Lando? Maybe it was just the surprise of seeing him this soon after just landing on the Spanish island. Yes definitely surprised.

He hadn’t even noticed how close Carlos had gotten to him until he heard his name being shouted right at his face. “Mate are you ok?” Lando just smiled and asked him what he was doing here. Of course Carlos had replied teasing him. “What, are you not happy to see me?” Lando laughed and finally gave him a long awaited hug. Once that was out of the way, Carlos took Lando’s case and began walking towards the exit of the terminal. Lando protested “You don’t have to take that I can manage” “I know but you are my guest and I am your chauffeur so this is my job”. Fair enough Lando thought.

Once they’d got into the car and left the airport it was Lando’s turn to tease. “So Mr Sainz Jr. couldn’t wait to see me that much, that he had to collect me himself from the airport.” Carlos laughed and looked over to Lando smiling, he quietly said “I’ll admit it, I am excited to see you, but the driver cancelled last minute so here I am.” “Anyway, having me pick you up should be an honour, I am the best chauffeur about.” Lando just responded with a nod. Carlos seemed to easily be able to worm his way out of being teased, he had done it effortlessly, to the point where Lando wasn’t sure why he had bothered to tease him in the first place.

For the first time since they’d got in the car Lando looked out of the window properly, he could already see the sea in the distance and the landscape around them was stunningly breathtaking. He was sure he was going to enjoy the few nights he had here.

After a bit of small talk of how their summer breaks had gone so far they settled into a comfortable silence. Lando took this as his opportunity to check his phone. After he’d replied to a few texts and checked a few notifications he placed the phone back into his pocket. He wanted to put a story on of chauffeur Carlos, but he was sure that would overload the Carlando world. These few days were supposed to be about them two finally getting to spend time together and having fun so there was no point in advertising it to the world this early on into the trip.

Once they got nearer to Carlos’ house Lando asked “So who’s at the house then, which members of the Sainz family do I have the pleasure of spending time with?” Carlos looked at Lando with confusion and he thought maybe he’d said something wrong until Carlos responded “I thought I’d told you, it’s just us two. My mum and dad left a few days ago and my sister and her husband left yesterday.” Oh, Lando thought. He was sure Carlos hadn’t mentioned it because he was definitely not under the impression that it was purely just them two for five whole days. Wait. “What about Isa and all of your friends?” “What, you don’t want to spend time with me, you want to see everyone else but not me?” Carlos said as he laughed. Back to teasing again Lando noticed. “No it’s not that, I just didn’t know it was just us two in one big house, I saw everyone on your Instagram and presumed we’d have lots of company.” Carlos just looked at him funny “Yeah my friends were here but they’ve all left too, I thought I’d get rid of them because they all talk far too much Spanish for you.” WHAT. Carlos had gotten rid of his friends for him? Before Lando could panic too much, Carlos added “Just joking mate, they all had to go home back to their lives and Isa has some work in London so she left a couple of days ago too.” So it really was just them two, not a single other person. Lando could swear that Carlos always knew when he was panicking because he always managed to swiftly change the topic of conversation. “Anyway we’re having burgers for dinner tonight, thought I’d cook your favourite for your first night in Casa Sainz” he said with a very thick Spanish accent. And with that swift change of topic Lando didn’t have anymore time to think about it just being them two, he’d also remembered the dogs where there so at least he had someone. Even if they were animals.

Lando’s first opportunity to have some time for his own thoughts came half an hour later when Carlos had shown him to his room and excused himself to go and start dinner. Lando hadn’t seen quite as beautiful of a view before. He was lucky he had this from his balcony attached to the room Carlos had gave him, the sunset was gorgeous and he had the perfect shot from where he was to view it. Time for a quick story he thought. Once the story (without a location) was posted he unpacked his things and changed into a comfier shirt and shorts. His mind drifted off to the conversation they’d had in the car. Carlos had definitely not told him it was just them two for the five days, so why did he think that he had. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to him but it definitely was for Lando. How could he have failed to mention it. He was already worried about any awkwardness due to the lack of time spent together this year, so the news of it being just them two had caused full blown panic in his head. How would he cope. He quickly realised he may be overthinking this way too much and he didn’t want to turn into a complete mess on the fist night so he grabbed his phone and took off downstairs, that way he couldn’t give himself any more time to dwell on it.

“You like the view, yes?” Carlos asked as Lando approached him in the kitchen, Carlos held up his phone to show him that he’d seen his story. He added “Im glad you didn’t tag the location, I put a story on this morning of me lying next to my boat, so the Carlando world would, how’d you say it, go crazy wild? You know if they knew you were in the same place as me.” For the record, Lando had seen the story but Carlos didn’t need to know that. “Oh really? Good job I didn’t then, to be honest I thought the same before in the car, I wanted to post a chauffeur Carlos story whilst you were driving, but the Carlando world is not ready for that” he said as he laughed. Carlos laughed too and smiled at him acknowledging that they were both on the same page. Maybe a story in a day or two would be fine but not just yet. The world could wait for Carlando content, they’d already waited the whole of this year so what was a couple more days for the previously promised Carlando content. “As for the view, yes I love it, it’s stunning. Thanks for giving me that room and letting me stay.” Carlos smiled once more and Lando could’ve sworn the thanks had made him blush for a second. “No problemo Mr Norrisio.” “Go and set the table outside for me, dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”

The two men sat and enjoyed their burgers outside under the night sky and spoke like no time had passed at all since Carlos had left for Ferrari. They didn’t even have to discuss racing to fill any awkward silences. Carlos had even persuaded Lando to have a few glasses of wine with him. It wasn’t often Lando drunk, but he was on his holidays and he was with Carlos so why not he’d thought. Maybe it was the warm air or maybe it was the wine but Lando started to notice Carlos’ gazing eyes more and more throughout the evening. Carlos was practically staring at him. Eventually he’d had enough of it and plucked up the courage to say “why do you keep looking at me like that?” Gulp. Had he really just said that, why did he say that. Oh dear. He had no clue why he had just out right asked that. No more wine for him. To his surprise, carlos didn’t even hesitate to answer. “Sorry, I just noticed for the first time how much you’ve grown. You’ve seriously changed...Not a little boy no more si?” The smile on Carlos’ face was accompanied with another blush, and it was noticed by Lando for the second time that night. Lando laughed and posed with his muscles by his head. He was no body builder but he had been working hard to build muscle. He was tired of being the small one on the grid so him and Jon had been working on bulking for quite a while now. Carlos laughed in response to the pose, “You’ll get there mate, not there yet, but you’ll get there.”

Once they’d finished dinner Carlos had sleepily asked Lando If he wanted to watch a film before they settled for the night, Lando of course had said yes, he couldn’t wait for another movie night with Carlos. This would be their first movie night since Austria 6 weeks ago. He felt lucky to even have that, Carlos had been so busy this season that their movie night in Austria had been there only one this year. Their movie nights always consisted of great films and great banter, it was usually films Lando had never seen before that also happened to be Carlos’ favourites. He wondered what they’d end up watching tonight. “We’ll watch shawshank redemption tonight, ok?” “Yes sure. Never seen it so should be interesting.” “Landooo I don’t understand how you never seen any films, do you live under a rock, yes?” Lando laughed at how he’d said his name, god he’d missed that. Gulp. No don’t admit that. Moving quickly on from that. “I never have time, too busy beating your ass on the simulator.” He wasn’t wrong. Carlos laughed and said “ahhh yes true, but you will never beat me in FIFA.” More laughter was the reply.

They settled into the film. Lando was sat down comfily with his back pressed up to the enormous couch pillow behind with his feet up on the coffee table in front of them, Carlos in the exact same position next to him. Lando grabbed a pillow to hold as he felt he needed something to cling onto for comfort. About half way through the film, Lando noticed Carlos was getting sleepy as he was slouching and leaning into the couch more and more, must be the wine he thought. Why was he not feeling sleepy also though? Maybe because his mind was on overdrive about the FACT that it was just them TWO. Up until this moment he hadn’t given himself time to actually think about it. FIVE whole days with Carlos, he couldn’t believe it to be honest. If someone had told him a month ago this would be the case, he would have laughed at them and told them to stop chatting nonsense.

As if he’d noticed Lando’s panicking, Carlos shot over a look at him, and whispered “are you enjoying the film?” “Yes it’s good, your getting tired though so it’s ok if you want to settle down for the night.” “How do you know I’m getting tired, huh? Are you a reader of the mind?” He poked him in the ribs as he said that and made Lando jump a bit from the unexpected feeling in his ribs. Lando couldn’t help but laugh at him, he knew he was tired yet he didn’t want to admit it to him because he had 100% noticed that Lando was not tired, it was cute really. Carlos was cute. Gulp. Best not to think on that too much. Gaining some composure after being poked in the ribs, he thought about saying let’s just finish watching the film but he settled on “Carlos, you are obviously tired you’ve got that sleepy look and I don’t want to keep you awake any longer than you need to be, come on, lets just finish the film tomorrow, we have plenty of time over the next few days to finish watching it.” “Huh, sleepy look ai? What does the ‘sleepy look’ look like?” He responds whilst continuing to poke Lando some more. Ok Lando thought, he wants to play poke wars. We’ll see about that, Lando pulled a funny face and poked him back “You go all slouchy like this” as he slid himself down the couch and then said “and your eyes go like this” as he flickered his eyes open and shut. Carlos was laughing loud now at the sight in front of him. The wine had definitely encouraged the silliness from the two grown men who were supposed to be watching quite an emotional and serious film. However, the film was long forgotten about at this point.

The poking continued as did the laughter for at least another 5 minutes. In fact you could argue that they were full blown play fighting now. 2 adult men play fighting. From a distance if you were viewing this sight of them, you would think there was more in this than two friends play fighting. They grabbed each other so harshly that knuckles were white. Also the looks they gave each other were way too intense, Lando wondered if they’d be able to do this if Isa were here, maybe it was best she wasn’t. That’s what made him stop immediately. He let go of Carlos immediately which must have been unexpected as Carlos literally fell on top of him with a small thud. A short-lived silence fell amongst the two of them. Carlos spoke first. “Ouch, why’d you stop?” He gazed down at Lando without moving almost like he was frozen on top of him. Lando hadn’t a clue what to say back, he was stuck gazing back at him, also frozen. After what felt like an eternity of staring into his eyes, he finally spoke. “Ha ha, sorry. Figured you were gonna win anyway so I gave up.” Cool as a cucumber. Played that smoothly Norris. He thought he’d deflected really well from the real reason he’d stopped. But why was Carlos not moving off of him. Lando really thought he’d move any second now or more hoping he would because his stare was becoming unbearable, what was going on? Was something wrong? They’d finished play fighting what felt like an eternity ago so usually Carlos would well be off of him by now. But here he was, flat out on top of him, gazing down at his face literally centimetres away from him.

“God I’ve missed this.”

WHAT.

Where had that come from?! Lando just opened his mouth forming an o shape. The shock took over and he was sure Carlos was looking back at him wondering what on earth was he thinking. They were both so still, not a single bit of movement at all. They were so close that it looked like they’d been moulded together like a sculpture. This was probably the longest look they’d ever given each other. Neither knew what to say. Carlos looked surprised he’d said it. Lando looked surprised he’d heard it. He had to say something. The silence couldn’t continue. The first thing he could think of. Quick. “I’ve missed this too.” SHIT. WHAT. No. What had he done. What a stupid thing to say. Carlos was smiling now. Gulp. That smile was everything.

Without another second passing Carlos decided he had to make a joke out of this, it had become too intense between the pair of them so some light hearted humour was needed. “Awww mate that was sooo cute” the exaggeration of the words so and cute was very much needed. Carlos finally climbed off of him. Lando shuddered from the coldness he felt without Carlos on top of him. If he’s completely honest he didn’t want him to get off of him. He didn’t mind it. But surely that was crossing a line. Yes definitely crossing a line. Lando sat up straight almost immediately dismissing the thought, he had to go to bed. Carlos definitely had to go to bed. That gave him a thought of how to make a joke out of this. “Awww there’s that sleepy voice, told you that your sleepy.” Carlos looked down at him (as he was now standing) almost in disbelief that he’d managed to gain the upper hand. This boy had gotten braver than he used to be, it was true, Lando had changed and Carlos had definitely noticed it. He had especially noticed it today. Having the one on one time with him had made sure of that. Not only had Lando physically changed but he’d grown way more confident. If Carlos was completely honest with himself it made him feel a bit sad, his little friend was not so little anymore and perhaps he maybe did not need him as much as he used too. Had anyone of asked though, he would never admit to this making him sad.

Lando got up from the couch and placed the pillow that had fell on the floor during their play fight back on the couch neatly. He turned back round to Carlos and wished him goodnight, a quick hug and he was out of there. Practically running up the stairs to his bedroom. Leaving Carlos stood there all alone to think about what had just unfolded amongst the two of them. He hadn’t quite meant to let slip he’d missed them play fighting or whatever it was they did. And he definitely had not meant to express it the way he had done to his younger friend. But truth be told, he really had missed him. And having him back here now in his house had got him so excited he just had to tell him. Of course he did. It’s not like he regretted it but he could see the complete shock in Lando’s eyes once he had.

As Carlos tidied the living room he thought about Lando’s response. First the shock and then the silence and then finally…he missed it too! Even if he knew he had said it in a panic it still meant something. He could tell it was said in a panic because Lando never admitted anything. Especially not missing him, it had even become a joke in their press conferences last year. The joke was how much Lando did not want to admit he would miss Carlos. You could not get him to say it to anyone. But he did. And that made Carlos very happy, probably more happy than it should. Once he’d finished tidying the living room he turned off the lights and walked up the stairs. He thought about knocking on Lando’s door just to say another goodnight and check if he needed anything as he had run off rather quickly. But he decided against it. He knew not to bother Lando when he ran away, and he didn’t want to make things awkward, that was the last thing either of them needed. Once he got to his room he quickly checked his phone. A message from one of his friends thanking him for the week away showed up and that made Carlos beam, he was so happy he was able to share his house with his friends. It had been such a good week with them all. Once he’d replied to that he saw another message pop up. It was Isa. Shit. He hadn’t text her all day. Hadn’t even thought about it. He’d been too busy getting the house ready for Lando and buying dinner to cook for him. He was sure she’d be a bit annoyed he hadn’t messaged to ask how London was. And as he read the message this thought was confirmed. It read ‘Hi, haven’t heard off you all day? Everything ok? London’s as rainy as usual, missing the Spanish weather!’ Yep she definitely had noted that he hadn’t text her. Nor had he text her back. He only just realised that her message was sent 4 hours ago. Shit. Before he had time to start replying he heard a noise out in the hall. He looked towards the door. Someone was definitely moving out on the hall. It must be Lando, maybe he wants to talk about what happened, probably not. He got up to go and have a look and sure enough he opened the door to find Lando standing in the middle of the hall looking confused.

Lando was just about to close his eyes and try and get some sleep when he realised he hadn’t set an alarm for the morning. Nor did he know what time to set the alarm for the morning. He’d just ran out of the living room as quick as possible and now he needed to go and find Carlos to ask what time he needed him up for in the morning. They were going running together and he knew Carlos liked his early morning runs. Oh god, 1) why did he agree to the run and 2) why would he not just ask Carlos downstairs instead of running off. Because now he had to see him again right after that incident (if you could even call it that) had happened. Without a second to think he quickly climbed out of bed and walked out into the hall, suddenly realising he hadn’t put a shirt on so was just in his boxers and he didn’t actually know which room was Carlos’. Right at the moment he heard a door open. Shit. It had scared him slightly in the dark. He glanced over to the door to find Carlos looking at him confused. “Uhh hey, sorry I realised I never knew which one was your room when I came to find you.” Carlos was even more confused now, why was Lando trying to find him and why did he practically have no clothes on. Lando looked very awkwardly over to Carlos noticing the look Carlos had give his body and said “sorry yeah I just forgot to put some shorts and a top on. I’d gone to bed so had took them off”. God he was rambling he knew he was but he couldn’t be stopped. “Sorry err did I wake you up?” Before he could ramble some more Carlos suddenly walked out into the hall to join him, so he could see him better. “Well thank god you weren’t sleeping in your buff.” The laughter from Lando echoed through the small hallway they were standing in. If it’s one thing carlos was good at, it was breaking the ice. The joke had immediately removed any possible awkward atmosphere between them. Carlos spoke softly “this is my room” motioning for Lando to follow him as he stepped back into his room.

If Lando had thought the view from his balcony was incredible. Well, the view from Carlos’ balcony was unbelievable. It was beautiful. He was immediately drawn to it and had walked straight over to the window. At night time it was so pretty, he imagined how pretty it must have been in the day also. Carlos noticed Lando looking at his balcony and smiled. “Here, come look outside.” He opened the door and motioned for him to follow him again. As they both stepped out onto the balcony the stars above them shone so clearly that both of them couldn’t help but look up. It was the clearest night sky that Lando had ever seen, it was filled with stars and a moon that was so clear it looked like it was right by them. The lighting of the town centre could be seen as could the port where Carlos’ boats floated quietly on the sea water. You could pretty much see the entire island, it was so calming to Lando. He had never felt peace quite like it before. The way they both just appreciated the view and enjoyed the silence made it even more peaceful. Lando stood in just his boxers on Carlos’ balcony really should have been awkward. But it wasn’t. Thank god for the view.

“It’s really beautiful isn’t it” Lando couldn’t help but say. “The island?” “Yes the island but the view of the island from this balcony is incredible, especially with it being night time, look at the sky, it’s like a photograph hung up on a wall but your looking right at it in real life.” Carlos couldn’t help but smile at Lando’s words. It had been quite some time since Carlos had seen Lando so happy by something that he had been able to show him, he used to be able to show him new stuff and make happy all of the time, but that was rare these days. So Carlos was thoroughly enjoying this. Lando had noticed Carlos smiling at him and suddenly felt a bit self conscious. Also a bit chilly. After all, it wasn’t sunny anymore and he was literally just in his boxers and nothing else. “Do you wanna maybe finish watching the rest of the film in here” Carlos suddenly asked as he pointed back to inside his bedroom. Lando wasn’t expecting that. Lando hadn’t expected any of this to be honest. Never the less, yes, yes he wanted to spend more time with Carlos. “Yeah sure.”

The two settled on to the bed and Carlos put the film on where they were up to. Lando actually did want to know how the film ended. Not long into the peacefulness of them both being engrossed with the film he realised he hadn’t actually asked Carlos what he’d needed to ask him, he’d gotten so distracted with Carlos scaring him in the hall and then the view from his balcony that setting an alarm for the morning had been completely forgotten about. He chuckled. Carlos heard the chuckle and looked over at him confused once again. It was definitely not a funny part in the film so why was Lando chuckling. “Sorry, I err, wait, pause the film a second so we don’t miss any.” Carlos picked the remote up and paused the film almost immediately. “I just realised I hadn’t actually asked you what I meant to when I came looking for you before when you found me in the hall.” “Ohh yes, did you need something?” “No, I just remembered that you wanted to go for a run in the morning and I needed to set my alarm, because I know you like early morning runs and I will definitely not wake up early. But I didn’t know what time to set it for.” Carlos smiled. It was adorable that Lando had remembered at all that Carlos wanted to go for a run. He had asked him hours ago before they’d drank the amount of wine they did. “Don’t worry, we are on holiday. Let’s not set any alarms. We will go for a run once we are both awake.” A wasted trip Lando had took into the hall then. Maybe not though, because he had got to see the most amazing view ever and now he was in Carlos’ bed enjoying the rest of the film. That made him happy and for just this once he’s ok with admitting that to himself. As if Carlos knew what he was thinking he smiled at him. Lando smiled back. The smile between them was sweet. Too sweet really. But neither man cared at this point. They were both too sleepy and too happy. To hell with a smile being too sweet mattering right now.

Carlos put the film back on and they both became engrossed once more. Lando was getting way too comfy in Carlos’ bed and was starting to drift off. He felt himself get sleepier and sleepier but he was far too tired to move. This resulted in Carlos finding his friend fast asleep next to him at the end of the film. As if he’d missed the end of the film, it was the best part. Carlos made a mental note to make him re watch the end of the film tomorrow. In the mean time, he needed to sleep himself. He turned off the tv and then his bedside light and settled further under the duvet. He looked over to Lando and whispered “good night, sleep tight.” God he hated to admit it but Lando did look cute whilst he slept. Carlos hadn’t ever seen him in such a deep sleep so close to him before. This suddenly made him panic about sharing a bed to sleep in, it was a first for the two of them to actually fall asleep in a bed together. After some thought about whether he should let Lando sleep alone in his bed he decided on did it really matter if the two of them slept next to each other. They were both shattered. So it really did not matter at this point. It didn’t take long before both of them were fast asleep dreaming peacefully. The moon and stars glimmered through the window as the room became silent.

Anon, first of all: thank you so, so much for sharing your writing with me! 🧡 I've already told you how much I enjoyed reading this, but I just want to reiterate that I love how you well captured the dynamic between Carlos and Lando, and that you had me completely hooked! This afternoon, I still keep thinking about the scene where they wrestle on the sofa and THAT LINE (“God I’ve missed this.”) because it's packs such a punch!

I really hope you do feel encouraged to write more Carlando, because you have a real way with these characters. I am smiling so much after reading this, and I'm sure others will enjoy it as much as I did 😍

So, with Anon's blessing, I'm sharing this publicly so you guys can also enjoy this absolute gem of a Carlando fic! 🧡

[internalsealpanic]

Better Die Than Doubt

Summary:  You wince knowing he’s already noticed. You feel the tiniest bit more at ease as he approaches your booth but it didn’t stop your eyes from flickering and searching for something off in the environment. The creeping sense of being watched trails up your spine. You’re sure.

A/n: To no one’s shock, this entire fic was unplanned. I was possessed by the urge to make it (translation: I got the urge to write this and one of my enablers said do it).  This story should be treated more or less as a horror story. Nothing is being glorified here except how dorky Jason is. That being said,  PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS. This fic contains quite a few triggering things and I really don’t want you to be blindsided.  Also thanks to @knightfall05x for helping me write this whole thing. Thanks to @batarella (HOE) for action writing tips.

Warnings: graphic violence, stalking, emotional manipulation, unhealthy coping mechanisms, drugging, nongraphic description of rape, and rape aftermath 

masterlist

You press the heels of your palms into your eyes. You could practically feel the oncoming headache the way you could sense someone coming down the hall. This is what happens when you’re running on just 5 hours of restless sleep for the last few days. This headache was also not helped by the fact that this was your fifth coffee in the past 30 minutes. You probably should not be drinking this much caffeine this late but intelligent decisions weren’t exactly your strong suit this week. You rub the sides of your forehead feeling another wave of nausea. 

 You check the time again and groan.  It’s been one-and-a-half hours since your agreed upon time had lapsed and yet one Jason Peter Todd was nowhere to be seen. You curse, nerves edging, and mind fraying.  To be perfectly fair to him, he is a busy guy, vigilante, and all. You understood that fairly well- and this was sudden to say the least. You can’t really fault him for being a bit late but the long wait was ratcheting up your anxiety. Again, the coffee didn’t help but considering it was the only thing you could keep down since last night, you didn’t have much choice. 

 Last night. 

 Your stomach tumbled. You cup your hand over your mouth feeling your coffee traveling back up your esophagus. You let out a long exasperated breath, letting yourself sink into the booth. You look out the window, eyes flickering wildly searching for Jason. Your hands tighten around your mug. The feeling of being watched made you bristle. 

 Jason, well, Jason wasn’t hard to spot. The man was 6 feet 4 inches of pure muscle and leather. Having a handsome face and a ‘fuck you’ look in his eyes also helped.  In short, the man was hard to ignore. You wave weakly to him as he dismounts his bike, a gesture far too small for your usual bombastic self. Jason’s smarmy smile greets you as he returns the gesture with his gloved hand. The motion is slow and cautious, rickety in a way. You wince knowing he’s already noticed. You feel the tiniest bit more at ease as he approaches your booth but it didn’t stop your eyes from flickering and searching for something off in the environment. The creeping sense of being watched trails up your spine. You’re sure. 

 “Jesus, y/n, you look like Timbo” Jason chuckles sliding into the booth his green eyes shining with scrutiny. You look at him flatly not having enough energy to properly respond to his jab. He winces seeing your lack of reaction. “Rough night, huh?” He asks flagging down a waitress, who looked quite pleased to get away from her previous table.  

 You nod weakly, slowly as if the fact that it had been a rough couple of days had just sunk in. “Yeah,” you reply, your voice small and a little threadbare. You drum your fingers against your increasingly cold mug. The waitress sets a couple of warm mugs in front of you. Her soft smile makes you uneasy. You and Jason mutter a thanks as she tells you to wave her over if you need anything else. Her warm brown eyes boring into the stark purple bruise on your face. You shrink and smile sheepishly at her.

 “I’m fi-”

 “I am going to throw these sugar packets at you if you say you’re fine.”

 “Damn, ok, Mr.Kettle,” You laugh. His concern startles a genuine laugh out of you. You’re sincerely surprised how lively the sound that comes out of you is. “You know if you keep sounding like that, Jay, you’re gonna wreck the whole stone-cold badass thing you got going,”

 “Y/n..”

 You huff running your hand through your disheveled hair, trying in vain, to soothe your mind. What was the best way to put it? You swallowed, gathering your lapsing thoughts. “Sooo uh-” The collar of your shirt suddenly felt tight around your neck. “-I-” You breathe. “-I found around 4 or 5 of Blackmask’s boys and Deathstroke-No, I’m not shitting you- in my- my apartment for- well- the third time in the last two months, can I crash at your place? Just ‘til I find a new place. Oh and also how do I get rid of them?”

  He blinks as his brain takes its sweet fucking time digesting what you had just said.  He leans back groaning and running his hands over his face. He looks like he’d like to deck you if he wasn’t too busy being concerned for your welfare. You shrink again, feeling bad for springing it on him. The decision to leave out the gory details of your hectic week suddenly felt like the wisest choice but you had no doubt he’ll get it out of you at some point. 

 “I’ll skip the obvious ‘why did you wait three times before moving’ question because I feel like I’m probably going to get an aneurysm from your answer,”  Your reasoning wasn’t quite that stupid. You were mucking about Sionis’s operation. The fucker decided to branch out his little enterprise into your city and like hell, you were gonna leave well enough alone. After you had set fire to one of his warehouses, you thought that would explain the False Facers. But Deathstroke? Deathstroke was a mystery. You’ve also been mucking about his business but you two have always been civil if not friendly. Frenemies of sorts, you guessed. You’ve been encountering him a lot in the last few days. You had figured that Blackmask had hired him but considering he threw two men out of your apartment window last night, you’re not entirely sure.  You make an affronted noise that Jason elects to ignore. 

 “What did they do?”

 “Aside from necessitating a visit to IKEA?  Nothing.”

 “Did they take anything? Leave a message?”

 “Nope, nothing-” You furrow your brow trying to recall. You shake your head. “-They just made sure I knew they broke in.” You add, shrugging your shoulder. You wince at the movement. Your shoulder still aches from being hit with a bat. Jason’s shoulders shift, moving as if to reach out to you but stops himself. Instead, he continues with his line of questioning. “Sweetheart, there’s gotta be something missing.” 

 You frown, biting your cheek. Jason rests his chin on his hand, green eyes watching you and urging you to think back. It was either the weight of his gaze or the lack of sleep that was making it hard to recall. You close your eyes and catalog your belongings, analyzing the mental picture you have like a crime scene like how he taught you months ago, breaking it down into the smallest pieces of information and bringing it back into a bigger picture.  Still, nothing. Nothing of note was missing. You shake your head and shrug your uninjured shoulder. Jason glares at the immobile one. You shake your head silently telling him it wasn’t from last night which just made him clench his jaw. 

 “Evidence?”

 You shake your head.  He frowns baffled. 

 “Tech?”

 You shake your head again. 

 “Anything personal?” He asks jokingly. 

 “I-” A cold horror washes over you trailed by embarrassment. Your vibrator had been missing and so were a couple of your lingerie sets. You feel your stomach drop to the floor. “Oh god, Jay- I- Please, let me stay with you.” 

 “And have them steal my stuff?” He chuckles. 

 “Please, Jay, like you have anything worth stealing.” Jason frowns at you scrutinizing your face. You level him a glare but it was more in an effort to fight down a blush than anything venomous. Jason’s jaw unclenches and his face breaks into a shit-eating grin. “What color was it?”

 “Wha-”

 “Bzzzzzzzt ” 

 If you weren’t blushing before, you are now. Heat climbs up your spine. Your mouth felt dry. 

 “Well, what color was it, sweetheart?” Jason drawls, his voice dropping an octave. You shiver but bristle just as quickly. You bite your cheek and glare at him. “HA. HA. HA. Funny, Todd.”

 “Was it Red Hood Red?” Jason teases, winking and raising his cup of coffee to his lips. 

 “Nightwing blue” You deadpan. Jason coughed into his drink.  You preen with satisfaction. 

 “Does it make stupid puns while you go at it? ”

 “Yup,” You say, the ‘p’ popping. “That’s part of the appeal.” You joke smiling into your mug.  Jason snorts. “How is that supposed to be sexy?”

 You shrug, a sharper less tired smile cutting across your features. “Dunno man. Nightwing is pretty sexy if you ask me.” You wink.  

 Jason makes a fake gagging noise. Well, it seems fake with how theatrical the gesture is but with bats? You never could tell. You roll your eyes and giggle.  Jason’s shoulders loosen at your bubble of laughter, his face slipping into one of his sheepish smiles. “In all seriousness, y/n, you can stay at my place.”

 You smile at him, your usual fluorescent smile. 

Click

 Click

 Click

 A man from across the street watches you intently through the lens of a camera. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Slade throws the photos across Roman’s desk, each glossy piece of paper containing a candid photo of you looking increasingly frayed and anxious.  

 Roman marvels at how your usually larger than life figure shrank into your puffy coat, how small and malleable and inexperienced you looked. He notes the panicked look in your eyes in every one of the photos and savors it. He couldn't wait to see it for himself. 

 In one photo, you're looking over your shoulder as you enter your office building. 

 In one, you’re tracing circles on a child’s hand with your thumb,  beaming brightly as you told some wild tale to distract the child. 

 In another, you're slumped in your desk chair as you think over a case looking absolutely exasperated but determined. 

 In yet another one, you're locking lips with a man, his hand trailing up your shirt. Roman made sure to give the man some swimming lessons a few weeks prior.  

 In the photo in Roman’s hand, you're at the emergency room looking like you haven't slept in 2 days. Your face was bruised and your clothes were torn in several places where Slade had managed to land a blow. Your delicate skin marred with cuts and trickling blood. Absolutely gorgeous.   

 He examines it closely. The photo was taken just a few hours ago. You look like you're going to cry but your shoulders and jaw are squared more frustrated than scared. There's a fire in your eyes that threatens to level the city. A thrill rides up his spine at the prospect of extinguishing it. 

 “This is why you wanted to throw my men out the window?”

 Slade hums. He shrugs and the edge of his lips curl into a smile. “It was the only way to convince the kid that we’re both after her-” His eye drifts to your face. Appraising but impassive. “The kid’s scared out of her mind and exhausted at this point.”

 Slade had a point. Roman had to give him that. It wouldn’t be obvious to the casual observer but it would be plain as day to anyone like Roman who had been studying you for a while. You weren’t quite as meticulous with your appearance as Roman thought you should be (He would work on that later) but the dishevelment in your appearance was obvious. The slight dip in your shoulders in place of the prim posture that you usually employed was a blatant indication of your weariness. And the falter in your smile, the flickering in your eyes, and the number of times you let yourself bite your cheek showed the cracks in your fearless image. 

 Who knew weeks upon weeks of chaos could weather Minos City’s own budding hero? 

 In the photo next to Roman’s hand, your laughing face is stark and lively against the drab atmosphere of the diner, bubbling laughter carving life into your exhausted features making you look more like the shining paragon your city has come to rely on. The man sitting in front of you is laughing too. The sharp edges of his grin softened by the fondness in his eyes. It was hard not to recognize him even with such a foreign expression plastered onto his face.  Roman crushes the photo in his hand. 

 “BUT NOW SHE’S WITH THAT SCUMBAG RED HOOD”

 “And she’s now with the Red Hood. In his secluded safe house. Weakened and far from help. Most likely thinking that she’s safe under his protection and blissfully unaware of the tracker I put in her arm.”

 “I see… It seems like you are worth the pay.”

 Slade made no effort in hiding his smug grin.  

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 “Jay, I really am sorry about this.” You mumble for what seemed like the fifth time in the past half hour. 

 “I sincerely hope you’re apologizing for the fact that you neglected to tell me you had bruised ribs before getting on my bike and not the fact that you’re staying with me because two crazy assholes decided your place needed remodeling.” Jason exasperates, pinching the bridge of his nose. You feel kind of annoyed by the gesture but he did have a point especially with your city’s less than smooth roads. You were also pretty banged up. As it turns out, facing off against a bunch of goons plus a master assassin is not good for your health. You swore viciously under your breath. Now, you weren’t expecting Deathstroke to go easy on you despite your rapport but the guy really didn’t have to throw you around like a rag doll. Even with your power to adjust the odds, it was a miracle that you escaped intact. 

 “Well, Mr.Pot, you ride your bike all the time even with broken ribs.” You bite back. Jason rolls his eyes unaffected by the distilled venom in your voice.

  “Well, one of us is a stone-cold badass- ”

 “And the other is a sasquatch with a stick up his ass.” You sneer snatching the beer bottle from Jason. Your tone was far too fond and playful to have any actual bite. Jason chuckles at you and ruffles your hair before snatching it back and handing you a bottle of water.

 You huff taking the bottle from him and following him to the couch. He sits down on the couch patting the seat beside him. You plopped on to the couch, placing your sock feet on his lap. He grabs your ankles and throws your feet back at you. You just as quickly throw them back on and this time you do it with an absolutely delighted smirk on your face. “Rude,” He mumbles but doesn’t attempt to extricate you again. 

 “So Deathstroke, huh?” Jason starts, side-eyeing you over his beer. You adjust yourself to sit up a little straighter.

 “You mean the asshat who broke my favorite lamp last night?”

 “Who the hell has a favorite lamp?”

 “Me! And get to your point.”

 “Have you two- yanno?” Jason jokes, his eyebrows wiggling and hands gesturing vaguely. Your eyes grow wide and heat creeps up your neck and face. You scowl at Jason throwing a pillow at his face for good measure. He catches it with ease much to your frustration giving you his trademark triumphant grin. You kick at him with no real force. 

 “NO! What kind of soap opera shit is that?” You giggle into your drink. You would be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about it before. The guy was skilled and pretty witty.  You also had eyes and the man was handsome but something always felt strange about taking it further. You were civil but you kept your distance. 

 You pout at Jason again causing him to chuckle. “What? I’m just saying it’ll air out some tension~” He suggests winking. 

 “Oh my actual god, I hate you. I sincerely, truly hate you.” You laugh, kicking at his thigh. Jason makes an obviously fake hurt noise which draws out even more giggles out of you. Some tension in Jason’s shoulders releasing upon hearing the bubbly sounds. 

 “You speaking from experience, Jay?”

 Jason shakes his head and coughs. “Catwoman-” Cough. “Talia Al Ghul-” Cough. “Sorry, sweetheart, seems like I have a really bad cough this week.”  

 And that is how you spend the rest of the night questioning Bruce’s love life. 

“Food is in the fridge,” Jason says pointing to the said fridge which was sorely lacking magnets, sounding like a somewhat tired single parent. 

 “Do I look like I can keep anything down?”

 Jason snatches the water bottle you had abandoned on the side table next to the recliner. “With that big mouth of yours? Sure.” Jason teases lightly booping you on the nose with your water bottle. “Get some rest.”

 “Yes, mother” You sighed, burying yourself into the thick comforter he’d given you, crumpled water bottle in hand. He ruffles your hair. 

 “You know you’re safe here, right? ” The question startles you. You shift uncomfortably, pulling the comforter tightly around your shoulders. You shrug at him, not entirely certain how to answer. You know Jason’s safe house is, well, safe but you also thought your apartment was too. Your stomach twisted. 

 Jason squeezed your shoulder probably sensing the spiral of your thoughts. He smiles down at you, probably. It was hard to tell with the helmet.  

 “If you want, I can-”

 “No, Jay, I’ll be fine here. You can go on patrol. I’ll be fine. Promise.”

 The thing with Jason was that even when he was so big and bulky and hella intimidating, his empathy towards others had a bad habit of always shining through despite the layers of armor and sarcasm. You squeeze his hand, pressing little circles into his palm, and smile up at him. It was forced but it was the best you could do. Jason ruffles your hair again before letting go and making his way to the window. 

 “Get some sleep.”

 “Aye aye cap’n” You yawn settling into a slump on the couch. Jason can’t help but smile fondly at you.  You wave him a sleepy goodby before he sets off. 

You passed out on the couch, an old habit you never grew out of. You always slept on the couch when you felt uneasy. It may have been some sort of way to separate stress from your bedroom. It sure as shit wasn’t for safety reasons. Your equipment was dispersed throughout your apartment but your weapons were usually stowed away in your room. 

 You feel a hand running gently through your hair, smoothing away all your apprehension. 

 “Jay” You grouse, your hand halfheartedly swatting at the hand stroking your hair. You bury yourself further into the warmth of the comforter feeling the need to shrink away from the touch. You feel a soft prick on your neck.  

 Your eyes fly open.  

 Shit.

 The hand tangles in your hair. It throws you to the wall. The air is knocked out of your lungs. Your ribs scream. You scrabble to your feet. Your limbs fail you. They flail uselessly. Your breaths pick up. Your chest feels like it's caving. 

 "JAY" You shriek. “HELP.” A large hand grasps your throat. A rush of adrenaline kicks in. You thrash. You kick. Your hit lands. Another grasps your ankles. You scream. You swear viciously. Another grabs at your wrists. Something rough winds around your wrists and ankles. 

 The world tilts into an odd angle. Your head feels heavy so do your arms and your legs and everything. 

 "Jaaay" You slur, the air in your lungs becoming sluggish like everything else. "Jay" you sob again, knowing he wouldn't come. Not when he was so far away. 

 "Shut up you …..  bitch" You feel a swift kick to your stomach. It barely registers above the haze. 

 "Hey man-"

 "What? The …. man said we …… rough her up."

 "We can?"

 "Yeah, ……, said so"

 Your eyes blink, stupid, and uncomprehending.  Distantly, you hear yourself grunting and whimpering. You can feel their blows but your body is too far away, too inaccessible. It was strange to physically feel yourself drift away. 

.

.

.

 Roman traces the sun shaped scar radiating on your shoulder with a leather-clad hand. The one shot he’d managed to land on you the first time you’d stormed one of his warehouses. You were all cocksure and quick wit and boisterous laughter. You really had the devil’s own luck but it seems to have run out. Not that Roman’s got any complaints. Not when he’s got you laying at his feet,  tied up and vulnerable. 

 He crouches down, hand on his chin.  His eyes roam appreciatively over your sleeping form, appraising you like a premium cut of meat. You look pretty against the black silk sheets he’d chosen.  He sighs content with his prize. He traces the tip of his knife over your cheek, a dark purple bruise maring your features stark against the stainless surface of the blade. Slade really was quite careless when handling you. Not that Roman has any plans on being any gentler.  

 He lets his blade drift down, trailing down your neck down to the flimsy protection of your oversized shirt.  Your steady breaths falter. You keep your eyes shut trying to gather more information but it’s hard not to focus off the tip of the blade cold against your warm skin even as the blade cuts through the thin fabric of your shirt. A large hand grasps your face roughly. 

 “I know you're awake, baby-” You blanch still not opening your eyes. The grip on your jaw tightens. You grin like a madman. “It's rude to keep daddy waiting.” 

 “Sorry, Sionis, I was really hoping not to have to wake up  you’re ugly mug.” You sneer, voice thick and raspy with sleep but still full with your trademark confidence. Roman looks more amused than irritated.  Your body and mind are still at the cusp of sleep. You wriggle and almost cry out with joy when you feel them move. You mind the hand on your jaw and its tight grip. 

 “Baby, I won’t tell you a-” You spit in his face, cracking an eye open to see his reaction. A bloody grin spreads across your face like wildfire when you see the annoyance on his face. 

 “You’re going to regret that” He growls, wiping his face with a torn piece of your shirt. 

 “Oh please-” Something cracks across your jaw. 

 “The next time it’ll be the other end,” It takes a moment for your mind to catch on. You stare at the hilt of the blade for a moment before letting loose another smarmy grin. His violent reaction spurs you on. Yeah, you can definitely see why Jason thinks you’re going to age him twenty years. “Oh please, You like my face too much for that.”

 “You really wanna test that?”

 “Nope,” You say, spitting into his eye and landing a punch square in his face. You cackle like a madwoman when he goes down. You don’t bother hiding the delighted chirps that escape your chest. 

 Being petty, you give him a swift kick to the face before dashing towards the door.  You launch yourself, feeling like you can fly. The copper taste in your tongue almost feels sweet. 

 Your hand grasps the door when a hand tangles itself in your hair. 

 Roman throws you back onto the mattress, the springs digging into your back. You scratch and claw and thrash against the large hand wrapped around your throat. You snarl as Roman leans closer, his body pinning yours against the mattress, his weight immobilizing your fatigued limbs. A sweet-smelling cloth covers your mouth and nose, you gasp in surprise, inhaling the scent. Your mind is already sluggish by the time it catches on. 

 Your vision dims. 

 You feel hollowed out. 

 Your limbs fall away, arms drooping and pliant against the silk-covered mattress. The cloth feels too much against your skin. Vaguely, you feel horror prickling up your spine or maybe it was just the springs again. 

 Roman pulls away. You think you breathe a sigh of relief, feeling the weight of him lifted. He straddles your body, grinning down at you. Your mouth falls open to say something. You want to say that you curse him out or that you threaten him. The sound you make is small. Your tongue feels too heavy.  No, something is pressing it down, you think. 

 Above you, Roman is a towering colossus. You’re vaguely aware of the shifting of his hips. He removes his gloved hand from your mouth and caresses the side of your face with mock gentleness. His movements are sluggish and syrupy.  You make another noise when you realize to some degree of horror that isn’t. Your mind felt heavy and useless. 

 He snaps his fingers. The sound is dull like it's contending with water. A muffled set of steps approaches you. A man, you realize. You don't think you’ve noticed him before. His dark shape is messy and incomprehensible. A red dot flashes stark against his form. The mechanical sounds of a shutter drift in and out of your mind. You turn your head back to Roman at the sound of shifting fabric.

 Above you, Roman, already without his suit jacket, loosens his tie, eyes staring hungrily at you. The pit of your stomach feels painfully cold. You blink at him stupidly. He chuckles, grasping your chin to make sure you’re looking at him. You protest against his touch.

 “Don’t worry, baby, you’ll be the star of our little show like the filthy attention whore you really are. ” He laughs. It rumbles like thunder in your ears. 

 The world falls away. 

Click

Click

Click

.

.

.

.

.

One 

 Two

 .

.

.

.

One

 You feel a prick on your neck. 

 Hot breaths fan against your face. 

 Your body is too warm. 

 You don’t want to know why. 

 Twenty-five, you continue counting. 

 You feel fabric shift against you. 

 Something sharp digs itself into your flesh.  

 One 

 Two

 Three

 .

.

.

 Three?

 Something’s crushing your windpipe.

 Your body is aching. You’re not entirely sure whether it’s from use or disuse and by who. 

 “Good girl”

 Thirty

 .

.

.

 Twelve

 There’s something scraping against your flesh. 

 Is it a knife?

 Hot pants fan against your skin. 

 Teeth 

 Four

.

.

.

.

Fifty-six

 “Boss, I-.... going a …. bit too far?”

 Smack!

 “Do …. You…. to think?” 

 Two sixty-eight

 A hand strikes you. You think your jaw is broken. It hurts but then again everything hurts. All you can do is take it and whimper. 

 Tears sting against your face.  

  “That’s right. Just like that. Like that, you little whore.” 

 Your body is warm again. 

 You still don’t want to know. 

.

.

.

.

Two

 Two

 Two?

 You’ve counted two before. 

 You blink. 

 The haze of your mind lifts. 

 The coldness of the room seeps in your bones. You’re bare. You take stock of yourself, running your hands over your skin. Everything is still there. 

 Everything and a few other things. You let disgust and shame roll over you. A sob tears its way out of your chest. Your breath picks up. You feel your mind slipping. You press the heels of your palms into your eyes, calling your mind back and steadying yourself. 

 You take stock again. This time moving your limbs and jangling your joints.  They were weak but workable. You’re surprised to find yourself unbound aside from the collar around your neck. You suppose Roman’s confident in his drugs. How long have you been here? You press lightly against your neck, feeling the higher than normal pulsing of your artery. You shift yourself waking your legs up. 

 You stiffen, gooseflesh spreading over your skin as light filters into the room through the door. Your eyes snap shut, stinging from the sudden intrusion of light. The pulse beneath your fingers jackrabbits. You think you’ll keel over. 

 “Shhhhhh”

 All the strength in your veins floods out, leaving a feeling of cold horror in its place. You scream or you try.  Your body feels impossibly rigid. Roman stalks towards you, his footfalls slow and deliberate and too loud. Your heart jumps up to your throat with each step. You inch yourself away from him, drawing yourself up to make yourself feel bigger. He coos at how adorable you are, trying to look defiant. The mattress dips under his weight. Your mind begins to slip away from you again. The world falls away from you. You anchor it, digging your nails into your palms. He cups your face, thumb caressing your bottom lip. You glower at him and bite out something witty. He laughs amusement lighting up his features, the sound grates against your ears. 

 “Not gonna fight back?” He taunts, pressing his thumb down on your bottom lip. Your body recoils but then goes slack as he runs his hand up and down your side. Shame blankets you but the fear etched into you keeps you still. 

 Roman loosens his tie. 

 Your mind falls out of your reach. 

 “Such a good little slut.” He murmurs against your lips.

 NO

 You wanted to say. 

 Instead, your mind starts counting again even as you hear the rustle of fabric. 

 .

.

.

. 

 BANG

 A gunshot rings through the thick atmosphere of the room. 

 Roman curses. 

 His men stampede. 

 Another round of shots fire. 

 Something- No, no.  Someone tears Roman off of you. 

 “Deathstroke?” You croak, your voice sounding foreign and absurdly brittle. 

 “Do you know anyone else walking around looking like this, kid?”

 “Ravager” You snark, lips twitching into a smile. He rolls his eyes underneath his mask. The familiarity of the exchange breathes life into your body. Roman’s hand grips your wrist with bruising intensity. Your breath catches. 

 No. No. No.

 The word loops in your head like a constant rat-tat. 

 Slade’s foot makes contact with Roman’s head, the force of it unnecessary but satisfactory. The sounds of bone-cracking fill the air. The man falls uselessly to the grimey floor. He shoots him with a couple of rounds for good measure, each shot instilling a pang of finality in the back of your mind. 

 You scrabble towards Slade, wide-eyed and shallow breathed.  You cling to Slade as he bundles your body in silken sheets.  He hoists you easily into his arms. You bury your face into the junction between his neck and shoulder, closing your eyes, the image of Roman’s bloody body on the floor pressed into your mind. You sob in relief. Your hands clasping onto Slade, white-knuckled and shaking.

  "I've got you, sweetheart," He rumbles, running his hand through your hair soothingly. The tight knots in your body, loosen. You whimper a quiet thank you. “I’ve got you.”

 You lift your head only to see Roman twitch. 

 Your breathing falters. 

 Fear pricks your spine. 

 Your mind falls away from you again. 

 Distantly, you feel Slade’s grip on you tightens. 

 Distantly, you hear him murmur something. 

 Everything is too far away. 

 Your eyes blink sluggishly. The world becomes dimmer with each blink. 

 .

.

.

.

 A warm spray of water drizzles down over your aching skin. Your open wounds sting but the warm water pooling around you soothes the aches of your bruised flesh. Your eyes focus on the soft off-white of the tile on the wall opposite you. You don’t let yourself about the thin, rusty red film swirling in the water. The air in the room is thick with steam and the scent of lavender. 

 The absence of grime on your skin makes you feel lighter and gauzy and immaterial. You felt naked and obscene like you had been taken apart and now someone was examining pieces of you. You almost miss it. 

 “Lean back” Slade grumbles as he lathers your hair with some lavender concoction the hotel provided. Your body follows automatically, eagerly, obediently. You tell yourself you’re just tired. You tell yourself nothing’s wrong with your response. You tell yourself you’re ok. You wince. The warm water around you shifts. You hear it splash against the tile. You flinch at how loud it sounds. You take a deep breath and lean into his touch. He’s handling you delicately as though you would fall apart any second. You might. 

 Blinking away tears, you watch his face, aware that by leaning back, you’d be giving him a good view of the hickies, bite marks, and knife wounds Roman ‘gifted’ you. There’s a slight twitch in the corners of his lips. He must be disgusted with you too. You want to sink into the hot water and let it burn you anew, but you don’t trust yourself not to drown.   

 You close your eyes as another spray of warm water pours over you. You melt into it hoping it’s enough to wash the last few days- weeks?- away. 

.

.

. 

 Your hands grasp his face, pulling him towards you. His hands brace against the tub, keeping him from falling in with you. Your arms loop around his neck, your hot breath fanning against his lips. You press your lips against him, searching and wanting. For what exactly? Comfort? Safety? Stimulation? His lips press lightly against yours, not quite a kiss. Slade actually looks taken aback. 

 The rest of the world floods back in. You peel away, your eyes wide with terror. “Shit- I’m- Fuck! Fuck! Shit, Slade, I- I’m sorry. I- Shit! I didn’t-” Your breathing ratchets up, becoming shallower as the pulsating in your ears grow louder. There’s a tightness growing in your chest that makes you think your ribcage is about to implode. You cover your face with your hands not caring how it didn’t help your shallowing breaths. You can’t look at him. You just can’t. You know you’re disgusting. 

 Your body wants to come apart, dissolve, and if it can, evaporate. You can’t breathe. You curl into yourself, into the water. A hand grabs at your wrist. You flinch. The hand carefully pries your hand away, forcing you to uncurl. Slade’s other hand cups your face gently, guiding you to look him in the eye. The lack of disgust in his face rattles you.

 His thumb brushes against your lips making your stomach twist and your spine curl. He dips his head closer to yours. You kiss him eagerly. He lets out a pleased hum and smiles against your lips. Something cold licks at the bottom of your stomach but it’s overtaken by the need for connection, to fill in what had been hollowed out.   

You press closer to him than strictly necessary as you watch the news, chewing on your cheek.  He pulls you close, shifting you on to his lap. You don’t protest, eyes glued to the TV. 

 “Businessman, Roman Sionis, was found with several gunshot wounds to the stomach in one of his warehouses here in Minos City. He is now in stable condition. Authorities say...”

 Your jaw falls slack in mute horror. Your stomach tumbles to the floor.  You’re hyperventilating. Your teeth are digging into your cheek, you taste copper. Your mind spirals back into the room, back to the dirty mattress, back to Roman. 

 Strong arms wrap around you, stilling your trembling body against a broad chest. Your body relaxes a fraction. You curl into him, the buzz of nervous energy settling into a quieter panic. 

 “You’re safe with me, you know that don’t you, sweetheart?” Slade says tracing circles into your palm. You lean your head into his shoulder. You nod easing against him. “I’ll never let that monster anywhere near you.” He promises, pressing a kiss into your hair. A little sob wrenches free of your imploding chest. 

 Slade keeps his face buried in your hair even as you fall into a lull. It was the only way to hide the triumphant grin spreading across his face. 

 “Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll take good care of you.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/n: Thanks for reading. There’s a follow up to this because I can’t cope with bad endings. I had to promise myself a good second part to make the ending horrifying. 

The writing process for this fic was basically:

Me: I have this horrifying idea!

My brain: Yes but what if we put a little dork Jason in it. 

Me: I guess that wouldn’t hurt. 

Me: Ok I have written nearly 2k of dorky Jason where’s the other parts?

Brain: Uh what other parts?

Me: *sighs and spends the next few days spamming @knightfall05x*

taglist: 

@batarella, @anothertimdrakestan, @lucy-roo, @multifandomgirl-us, @idkmanicantenglish,@birdy-bat-writes,  @americasmarauders , @l-horizon11, @arestorationofbalance , @cloudie-skay, @wunderstell

[melohax]

Ok so I just realized that I can send long ask so I will just copy paste my last meta here, it will kinda be a mumble jumbo wall of text so I hope you don’t mind

I have never personally perceived what shadow Basil said about us as he was deeming is as cruel or evil toward them tbh. Shadow Basil seems to be there to ground Sunny back to reality more by recalling him of the past and calling out his escapism to me more. Him saying “but after everything, you left me” is less him calling out on Sunny being evil toward him but more on him calling out how Sunny just mentally completely shut off from reality, him dropped out of school irl and become shut in paralleling to him building an entire imaginary world on “black space” and suppressing the black space as the light bulb locking other half of Basil who knows away, leaving Basil both irl and in dream to be left alone dealing with his own guilt.

You talking about Basil irl and black space Basil occasionally has the same overlapping dialogues of “will you forgive me?”/“do you hate me?” also raised up possibility of Basil irl has also said these to Sunny in the past thus his manifestation saying the same thing to him. Basil in dream world acting completely carefree and sweet is more of him just want to live in his idealistic, good old day of the past tbh (evidence in how 4 years have passed yet the citizen in the dream world never age, dream HERO still 15 years old haha why are you so small) and Omori acting “cold” or “strange” isn’t entirely exclusive to Basil either since we saw the same instance with Mari who was trying to guide Sunny to the truth at the beginning of Last Resort arc, as he is the manifestation guardian who “guards” Sunny’s psych so to speak and the irl instance where Sunny hurt Basil is when them both are in panic and fist fight each other to dead so I think it’s an understandable reaction tbh SFGHVJBK.

There is a lot more but the biggest reason why a large part of me feeling like Sunny doesn’t exactly “hate” or blame Basil for anything he did is also because the way the narration portray him coping with thing, he completely and utterly rejects it, denies it from being real, being “I do not see it” (the closet door lead to the toy book with his broken violin completely disappeared irl in his pov despite other character still comment about it, when Basil was tying the noose to uh do the thing Sunny chose to pretend that he did not see what was happening, when he witnesses Basil’s death in one of the bad end if you try to interact with the door lead to Basil’s room again it will completely disappear with Sunny notes that “there is nothing there”) than blaming it on someone or something else and when he finally forced to face the truth he just blames himself the most, how he just took away everyone happiness irrc

ALSO SORRY AGAIN FOR A LONG WALL OF TEXT AFHJGJJ

Yeah, I’ve already talked in my other posts about Sunny’s coping through extreme avoidance and how it intertwines with him burying the truth in his subconscious and so forth. It doesn’t cancel out how his subconscious does see the truth to the point that Blackspace keeps leaking into Dream world.

Daddy Longlegs mentions this, how Sunny and Omori do all they can to pretend they don’t see the truth, repressing as much as possible BUT Blackspace still ends up leaking into the Dream world regardless.

As much as Sunny’s mind keeps working to get rid of all that hurts him, blackspace keeps seeping into his dreams and yet he still seeks Dream Basil out when he disappears from his mind. This is counterproductive in that it interferes with his own coping mechanisms of “I do not see it” and Omori’s attempts at defending his mind. It tells us that Sunny’s thoughts and feelings are conflicted, he both wants to suppress the truth while his mind simultaneously has him trying to save the person that represents said truth to him.

Sunny and Omori want to keep the good parts of Basil in his dream, the parts that remind him of the good ol days of innocent childhood. Meanwhile, he tries locking away the parts of Basil’s existence that hurt him (Basil giving him the Mari idea, Basil hanging Mari, the monsters Basil sees etc etc) but he always fails.

Daddy Longlegs, the Blackspace void people and the tree in the deepest well tells us Sunny’s mind has never been able to separate his ideal Basil from the parts of Basil that force him to acknowledge what happened.

I kinda also disagree with your other arguments too tbh.

Like I said before, monsters with Basil’s dialogue keep calling Sunny a liar (like the one on the train) and Sunny’s subconscious he tries to represskeeps focusing on how he hurts Dream Basil: Basil telling him he doesn’t feel safe, the invisible shadows in the main room of Blackspace calling Omori and Sunny evil, commenting on Sunny’s mistreatment of Basil and their fears that he’ll do something to real world Basil if he’s not “uncorrupted”.

Sunny’s mind specifically clings to Basil’s “do you hate me?” + his apologies for a reason. Real Basil very likely said these things to Sunny this mind keeps going back to it for a reason. Mari commenting on Omori being cold isn’t the same at all cus Basil commented on it in a context where he was about to be killed and his next words are about how he doesn’t feel safe with Sunny.

When I talk of dream Basil’s almost angelic persona, I don’t mean just him being the way he was in the “good old childhood days” all carefree and sweet. I’m talking about things like how even when he’s being killed, Sunny portrays Basil in his mind as still trying to be kind, understanding and passive even to the things actively hurting him (like how Dream Basil keeps trying to be nice to the spiders even while they’re eating him alive).

Real life Basil isn’t only made of infinite beatific patience like Dream Basil is. He cries, gets angry and really upset at times, tells Sunny it’s not fair that Sunny left him behind. Basil calls Sunny out on lying about promising to always be there for each other and begs in desperation for Sunny not to leave him, once again coming back to him asking “Do you hate me?”.

Dream Basil is also shown as very helpless and someone who would never resort to violence. This is shown not to be true in the real world.

Basil will resort to violence if he feels it’s absolutely necessary to protect the person he loves, like how he physically attacks Sunny at the end, possibly gouging Sunny’s eye out in the process. Basil does this believing he’s genuinely going to save Sunny from the “Something” behind him so it shows he’s not just this eternally passive, soft, helpless being Sunny’s mind portrays him as.

Real Basil is willing to do anything it takes (including resorting to physical violence) if its for the sake of the person he loves most. It’s a contrast to how Sunny in his dreams goes as far as putting his ideal of Basil on this pedestal of “purity” at times. This goes back to how one the invisible strangers walking in Blackspace void tells Omori it hopes real Basil is uncorrupted or else it fears what Sunny will do to him.

Then there’s shadow Basil. He doesn’t just “ground” Sunny, he also reminds Sunny of the consequences his actions have on others. This shows that Sunny’s subconscious (Blackspace) acknowledges the truth even though real Sunny keeps trying to pretend it’s not there and Omori keeps trying to bury it.

These are all parts of Basil that Sunny doesn’t want to see and that he keeps trying to lock away deep in Blackspace so that only his perfect version of Basil remains in his mind. All of the trouble Sunny goes through to shut his eyes and yet when Omori finds Basil in the alternate rooms in Blackspace, it’s as if Sunny’s mind keeps trying to guilt trip itself over how he’s been treating Basil by showing Basil constantly suffering and dying in horrible ways.

So imo the points you made are easily attributed not only to extreme avoidance but also to entangled feelings of hatred, love, fear and pain. Sunny isn’t a completely innocent character when it comes to his mind and certain actions (being able to stab real world Aubrey and stuff) but that’s ok. It doesn’t mean he’s simply a villain, it just means he’s complex and with complicated emotions the same as most human beings.

Of course at the end Sunny blames himself the most, I talked about this in my first post too. It’s by then that he’s accepted his main role in the tragedy with Mari (the fact it was an accident, Basils good intentions, why he isolated himself, etc) and he’s moving towards facing the most painful parts of it. That’s part of the whole point.

None of this means Sunny generally just cruel or callous, of course. Again, I’ve already said before that this doesn’t make Sunny objectively “evil” or anything of the sort. His own mind is the one calling him evil due to all his guilt and so on.

Also P.S. Please be mindful and don’t spam my inbox with so many messages tho 😣 I got this entire message sent thrice in my inbox and then you also sent it as a submission and then you also sent a few other asks as well all in the span of one day. They were all kinda the same subject over and over too.

If it’s tumblr being fucky and sending that many messages repeatedly, I understand and it’s ok but then I’d rather you come off anon instead cus boy it spams.

[songsoomin]

Let Me Down  Part 2 (A, S)

Synopsis: CollegeStudent!Mingi x CollegeStudent!Reader, Friend!Yunho. After you left Mingi due to his neglect of you, you’re both finding it tough to move on

Song inspiration: ‘Need You Now’ Lady A

Genre: Angst, smut and eventual fluff (but not yet)

Warnings: Drunk unprotected sex, fingering, oral (m and f receiving), mentions of using alcohol to cope with the pain, threat of sexual assault (by random character, of course not any of the boys), physical violence (towards same random character). 

Word count: 9K (sorry)

Posted: 27th June 2020

Part 1 Part 3

It was the third time you'd heard the gentle knock on your bedroom door and for the third time you ignored it.

"Y/N...." Jina's worried voice filtered through, "...please come out and eat something."

You buried your head further under the covers.

"You haven't eaten properly in days. Not since -"

"Jina...let her be. She just needs some time." Suzy interjected before Jina could mention him. Both your roomates had been tip-toeing around what happened three days ago. The day you finally broke up with Mingi. They'd both been waiting for you to see sense and dump your selfish, unreliable boyfriend of five years but hadn't forseen the fallout from that decision. Now they were both worried for you.

When they came home from their lectures that day to find you lying on your bed, red-eyed from crying all afternoon. They had thought that as you were the one who broke it off, you'd cry it out and then get over it - after all, it wasn't like you were the one who'd been dumped...you'd chosen to end it. They had got it very wrong, though, because you still loved Mingi, despite leaving him and you felt like your world had caved in on you. You left him because you couldn't stand knowing he didn't love you the same way anymore, knowing you just weren't that important to him. You had to leave because you knew the way he was treating you was wrong. It didn't mean you didn't love him anymore, though, and right now you were starting to question whether this pain you were feeling was worse than the hurt you felt while you were with him.

"You did the right thing, Y/N." Suzy said with confidence later that evening when you had finally given in to Jina's worrying and come out to pick at some toast. "You can't allow yourself to be taken for granted like that."

"I know it hurts now but you'll start to feel better soon and one day you'll find someone who isn't too stupid to see how lucky he is to have you." You almost rolled your eyes at the cliched line coming out of your best friend's mouth but you didn't want to offend her; you knew she was trying her best to cheer you up.  

"It might not be too bad, Y/N..." Jina added, "At least you don't have any shared classes with him and there isn't long left before graduation anyway. You'll never have to see him again after that."

The feeling you got when Jina spoke of never seeing Mingi again was like being punched in the gut. You felt sick so you ditched your toast and made an excuse, trudging back to your room to lay on your bed, willing this feeling to go away.

By Monday you had come to the realisation that you couldn't stay in your room forever so when Suzy - the 'mother' of your trio - came in to ask if you were going to return to your classes, you surprised her by already being awake. It was wholly unlike you to be up and dressed early but you hadn't been sleeping properly for the last week anyway.

As the weeks went by you found that you could return to life as normal for the most part; you went to classes, your part-time job, even a few social gatherings and you seemed almost normal again but Jina and Suzy could see it. You weren't ok. You did a good enough job of pretending in order to get through the day but you weren't quite the same anymore. You also knew this but the only way you knew to manage was to ignore the pain; you buried it as far down as you could until it was just a dull ache in the background, a constant reminder that he didn't love you.

                                                   ********

Mingi POV

"So she finally dumped your sorry arse?" Hongjoong asked once Mingi told him why he was slumped on the couch staring blankly at the TV screen. To be honest he hadn't paid any attention to what was on and now he looked at it properly it appeared to be some kind of gardening programme - certainly not what he would normally watch and what must've caused his friends such confusion when they came back to the dorm Mingi shared with Yunho and Hongjoong.

"You did have it coming, though..." Yeosang said matter-of-factly, earning a glare from Mingi but he continued undisturbed, "I mean, did you think she would put up with being neglected forever? You barely made any time for her, at all."

Mingi contemplated that and realised he had never thought about it. It would be a lie to say he was unaware that he prioritised his friends over you but he just assumed you were ok and would always be there.

"You ok, bro?" Yunho asked, jolting Mingi out of his thoughts suddenly. The tall blonde, as his best friend, was more worried about how Mingi felt than the others were.

"I'm fine." Mingi said trying to sound a lot more happy than he felt. "In fact, I'm great. I can do whatever I want now, spend as much time with you guys as I like without being nagged about it. Now I can enjoy our last months at college before we have to join the real world."

Yunho looked at him as if he was crazy and maybe he was but if he kept telling himself that this was a good thing for him then maybe he would start to believe it and get rid of this painful aching in his chest.

"You know, you really didn't deserve her." Yunho muttered as he walked away.

It had been about two months since Mingi had really seen you - not that he hadn't looked but he seemed to only catch a glimpse of you as you crossed the campus grass or disappeared into one of the lecture halls. He thought he'd at least see you in the cafeteria or eating lunch with your friends on the grass as the weather was so nice now but he never did - it was almost like you had completely disappeared from his life. He hadn't spoken to his friends about you at all - still stuck in his delusion that if he pretended to be happy without you, he would be - but eventually he asked Yunho, who was on the same course as you, if you were still attending lessons.

"Yeah, of course she is." Yunho answered, not thinking much of it as he was distracted with the choice of pizza in front of him at the lunch counter.

"Do you talk to her much? Is she ok?" Mingi attempted to seem nonchalant but the questions caught Yunho's attention now that he'd settled on his usual pepperoni and a diet coke to wash it down with.

"Why?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in challenge. Mingi kept pretending he was having a great time single, going out to clubs, drinking, flirting with girls, but Yunho had been his best friend since they were five years old and he wasn't swallowing that crap. It didn't escape his attention that Mingi was drinking too much and, as much as he flirted, never accepted any of the girls' advances.

"No reason. I just hardly ever see her around - I just wondered." Mingi looked away fast, not wanting Yunho to see just how much he wanted to hear anything about you.

"Uh-huh, sure." Yunho shook his head at Mingi, "Just go try to win her back or something. The others might not notice but I know this is tearing you apart."

"Hey! She dumped me! If she loved me so much she wouldn't have left." As his voice faltered on those last words, Mingi couldn't help but let slip how he really felt. There was no point hiding it, anyway. Yunho already knew.

"You're so stupid, Mingi." Yunho replied, sighing because what he also knew was that you looked like shit all the time because you weren't sleeping or eating properly. He knew you were just as unhappy but Mingi was still just as self-absorbed, only thinking about how hard this was on him when really he should just take some fucking responsibility for how he treated you and realise it was all his own fault.

                                                      ********

In truth you very much had been avoiding any place you knew Mingi would be; you knew his schedule and his habits so you simply made sure you took a different route if your classes ended around the same time. You always went off campus for lunch, as well, somewhere you knew Mingi wouldn't go. Jina and Suzy were really supportive, they knew that it was still hard for you to see him and would do anything to help you through it. As time wore on you actually found that not seeing Mingi helped a lot and slowly you were starting to feel better. Your best friends were also delighted to see you starting to eat better, taking it as a sign you were getting over him. It didn't always work, you were bound to see him occasionally as you were at the same college. When you did see him, though, he would be laughing with his friends, looking so carefree. Sometimes you would see him talking to girls, though, and that same dull ache that never really went away clawed its way back to the surface.

"We're going out tonight!" Suzy announced as she breezed into the living room of your shared dorm.

"Who is?" You asked, confused.

"We are. The three of us." She threw you a look that dared you to say 'no' and carried on so you wouldn't have time to protest. "Lucas invited us to a bar with his friends tonight so I've decided to take you out to have some fun."

"Fun?" You weren't sure about Suzy's idea of fun; it usually involved a lot of drinking and dancing and, more often than not, making fools of yourselves.

"Yes. Fun. That thing you never have anymore. It's about time you got back out there instead of moping around this place. You might even meet someone nice - Lucas has a lot of hot friends, you know." She added with a cheeky wink. "So get in your room and get ready now. I want a hot-looking Y/N in one hour. Jina, that goes for you too!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Jina mock-saluted and headed towards her room, laughing.

You weren't opposed to going out; maybe it would help but you didn't care about meeting anyone. You knew very well how good-looking Lucas's friends were and you used to think Johnny might have a thing for you but you weren't there yet.

The bar itself was really nice and the music wasn't too noisy so you could still have a conversation without having to shout. It had an 80's vibe with coloured neon tube-lights and music of the era but didn't overdo it, still being able to pass for a normal bar rather than a themed one. As soon as you were there, Suzy made a beeline for Lucas and virtually leapt into his arms, kissing him passionately; given their size difference he easily caught and lifted her up when she jumped, wrapping her legs around his middle. They were a really cute couple, you thought; him tall and blonde and Suzy smaller with dyed red-hair. You and Jina followed along, greeting him once she'd let him go and getting introduced to any of his friends that you didn't know already.  

You were actually having a pretty good time, surprisingly, Lucas's friends were fun and made you feel welcome. Some of them might have been a bit too eager to make you - and Jina - feel welcome and you suspected it was to do with what you were wearing and you knew you looked good. Your blue dress wasn't too revealing but it clung in the right places and emphasised your curves and you'd completed the look with a pair of high heels. You may not have been interested in catching anyone's eye but you still liked to look nice because it always made you feel more confident. Jina, however, was loving all the attention she was getting from the boys and was flirting shamelessly, making you laugh to yourself - something you hadn't done much of in months. An hour or so in the drink caught was making it's way through you and you decided to head to the bathroom but, as you wound your way through the crowd of people, you heard something that made you stop in your tracks. You knew that familiar, deep voice all too well and it cut through you like a knife.

You looked to where the voice came from and saw Mingi sitting with some blonde girl on one side of a booth with Seonghwa and a brunette on the other, looking very much like they were double-dating. Your heart twisted painfully as you watched the blonde girl very evidently flirting with him and taking every opportunity to stroke his arm or put her hand on his broad chest. As you stood there dumbstruck, Mingi looked around and you could see the shock cross his handsome face as he registered you standing there.

"Y/N." He called your name almost apologetically, like he'd been caught doing something but you weren't hanging around to find out what he had to say; you almost ran to the bathroom and flew into one of the stalls breathing hard. You sat there processing the situation - so what if he was on a date with some girl? He can do whatever he wants - he's a free man. It wasn't for you to care anymore, you said 'goodbye' to him. You can't afford to care now, you'd come so far trying to move on. Like this you reasoned yourself into a kind of calm and made your way back to your friends, taking a route in which you wouldn't walk past him again. It must have been a little obvious that you weren't quite ok as Johnny seemed to notice but then he had been paying you a fair bit of attention tonight.

"Are you ok? You look a little pale."

"Yeah, I'm fine..." you lied as best you could, "Just need another drink is all."

"Comin' right up!" Johnny smiled and ordered you another Purple Rain cocktail while you forced yourself to look happy and normal. You drank the drink pretty quickly and ordered another, hoping the alcohol might ease the ache in your chest that had now returned with a vengeance.

                                                     ********

Mingi POV

"Mingi....Mingi!"

"Oh.. uh.... what?"

"Dammit, Mingi, I've been talking to you for the last five minutes - why are you never with it anymore?" Hongjoong asked, exasperated with his roomate's behaviour.

Yeosang snorted, "We all know why he's never with it anymore."

"Shut up, Yeosang!" Mingi spat back at the smaller blonde man.

Hongjoong sighed and looked at Mingi with concern in his eyes, "Mingi, we're all worried about you. You don't sleep properly, you either mope around the dorm or you stay out partying all night long.....and we've all noticed how much you're drinking these days."

So what if he was? Mingi was tired of his friends' interfering. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

"You know what you need?" Seonghwa added as he plopped down on to the couch next to Mingi, "You need a good fuck."

"Oh my God - that's your answer to everything, Hwa!" Hongjoong despaired, throwing his hands in the air at the oldest member of their friend group. "He needs to deal with his feelings, not hook up with random girls."

"No, it's exactly what he needs." Seonghwa turned his attention over to Mingi now, "Get back on the horse, bro; you haven't been with anyone since Y/N." The mere mention of your name caused Mingi's heart to clench and the pained look on his face didn't go unnoticed by his friends.

"Getting back out there and meeting girls is the best way to forget about her and move on." Except Mingi didn't want to forget about you.

"How on Earth would you know, Hwa?" Yeosang interrupted, laughing, "You've never had your heart broken. In fact, do you even have a heart to break?"

Yeosang laughed harder at the rude gesture Seonghwa threw his way as he replied, "You're just jealous I get laid so much more than you do, Sangie. It's the safest way - if you don't get attached, you can't get hurt."

"Hwa's right!" Mingi jumped up, surprising them all, "If that's what it takes to prove to you all that I'm fine and stop you nagging at me, I'll do it."

"Great! I'm seeing this new girl tonight so I'll ask her to bring a friend along for you." Seonghwa grabbed his phone and started texting, "Go get ready, Min."

A few hours later Mingi was seated in a booth next to some blonde girl he'd just met with Seonghwa and a brunutte opposite them. He had started to realise that Hwa was not right, after all. He didn't want to be here with this vapid girl that was meant to be his date and, to be honest, he'd already forgotten her name. The girls Seonghwa hung around with were all very pretty but he didn't look for much more than that - why would he when he never intended to get to know them? To him, the girls he dated were just for a fun night - maybe a few if he liked them enough - they never lasted long. Seonghwa was tall, dark haired and, arguably, the best looking of them all; his aura just seemed to attract girls without him even trying.

Mingi couldn't help but compare this girl to you; you were beautiful and intelligent. You could have fun together and proper conversations, you had a connection - this girl was so dull, just talking about celebrities and clothes...he really didn't know how Seonghwa could bear it just to get his dick sucked at the end of the night.

He really was trying his best to be friendly and polite but this stupid girl just kept pawing at him, laughing at anything he said as if it were the funniest thing she'd ever heard. He downed his third drink and ordered another just to try to get through this ordeal.

As he was getting through the fourth drink, Mingi felt eyes on him, turning around he saw you standing there looking back at him and the girl. You looked so beautiful to him, in the blue dress he used to love on you the most but he couldn't look away from your face and the look of utter hurt in your eyes.

"Y/N..." He called out, throwing the girl's arm off himself, but to no avail. You darted towards the bathroom and away from him.

"Is that girl someone you know?" The blonde asked him with almost a jealous tone to her voice.

"Just...stop talking." He ground out, annoyed at her very presence, and stalked off towards the bar, downing his drink as he went.

Once there Mingi ordered another drink and two shots; he didn't want to feel what he was feeling and alcohol had become the only thing that came close to helping. Why did he feel like he'd been caught cheating on you? It was you who left him! He laughed bitterly at himself for ever thinking that if he just pretended to be fine, he eventually would be. It had been months now and the hole in his heart was still just as raw.  

"Min..." Seonghwa appeared beside him, "What are you doing?"

"Hwa, I know you're trying to help but I can't do this." Mingi said, downing the shots one after the other as  Seonghwa stood there, eyebrows raised in concern.

"You're going to have to move on at some point, Min... It looks like Y/N is." Seonghwa said gently, tilting his head in your direction.

Mingi looked to where  his friend nodded and felt anger rise up in his chest as he watched you take a purple cocktail from Johnny, laughing at something he'd just said. He couldn't stand this; just the thought of Johnny - anyone - taking his place at your side, holding you, kissing you, touching you..... No! He wouldn't even think of it. He couldn't bear to. Mingi downed his last drink and marched towards the door, leaving his friend just staring after him.

Next morning, Mingi woke up feeling sick, not knowing if it were more from the alcohol or the memories of seeing you looking happy and carefree with Johnny. As far as he could see, you didn't look close enough to be an item but who knows? The thought of you with another man still filled him with anger but you weren't his anymore. He had to get used to that.

He texted Seonghwa to apologise for running out so suddenly.

It's ok, bro, I understand why you didn't want to be there anymore. Came the reply, followed quickly by,

Oh.. and don't worry, I made sure your date had a good time ; )

Mingi laughed to himself, thankful for Hwa's easygoing nature.

                                                     ********

You sat with Suzy and Lucas at the breakfast table next morning, Lucas had stayed over and made pancakes for the three of you and you sat eating and chatting about the night before.

"Jina really went home with Jaehyun?" You asked wide-eyed. You'd thought she was sleeping in and that was why you hadn't seen her yet this morning.

"Yeah," Suzy giggled, "...She's had her eye on him for some time; I guess she must've felt brave enough to make a move last night."

"Wow, good for her, I guess." You said forking another bit of maple syrup covered pancake into your mouth.

"Jaehyun's a nice guy," Lucas added, "he'll be good to her."

You sat quietly as Suzy and her boyfriend talked together about the events of last night. The ever-present dull ache throbbed as your mind replayed the image of Mingi with the blonde girl's hands all over him. He wasn't yours anymore, you told yourself, he could see anyone he wanted to.

Your only concern now had to be trying to get through your exams and graduate and you couldn't afford to be distracted by anything else if you were going to do that. You finished up your pancake and cleared your plate into the sink, thanking Lucas for making it as you went.

"What are your plans today, Y/N?" Suzy asked.

"Oh, I think I'll just study; I'm still a little behind on my coursework and I'll have no hope of graduating if I don't get this done."

"Ok...work hard!" Suzy chirped as you wandered back into your bedroom.

You'd done it. You'd got through your exams and were graduating. It had been really hard and you'd had to keep forcing yourself to concentrate on your studies because Mingi was never far from your thoughts. It was easier being without him now than it was in those first months but the dull ache never entirely went away - always reminding you of it's presence if ever you caught a glimpse of him around campus. Jina and Suzy had done their best to pull you through it but you found yourself having to accept the reality that the pain would now always be a part of you. You ached for Mingi, to be back in his arms, but you knew he wasn't right for you. He didn't feel the same.

The actual day of graduation passed by in a blur - the calling of names and collecting of certificates had been terribly boring but you'd daydreamed your way through most of it, having to be nudged by Jina when you missed your name being called. Your parents had come along and taken you out to dinner - just like everyone else's parents so the restaurants were packed. Despite trying your best not to think about Mingi over the last few months you had decided to talk to Yunho about him briefly during class.

"Yunho?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could do me a big favour?" You ventured nervously. You were close to Yunho from sharing classes with him all throughout college but he was still Mingi's best friend so you weren't sure how this would go down with him.

"Uhh...sure. Well...depends what it is." He laughed, flashing his blindingly bright smile at you. You'd always thought he was kind of cute but now his dyed blonde hair started to grow out and his natural black peeked through he was even more good-looking.

"Could you try to find out where Mingi and his parents are planning to go for his graduation meal?" Yunho looked a little surprised so you tried to explain your request. "It's just that...I don't want to run into him because I know it will be awkward. Our parents will probably start to chat because they used to be friends when we were dating and I don't think I could deal with that."

A look of sympathy crossed Yunho's face and he reached out from his seat next to you and rubbed his had up and down your back in a reassuring manner. "Sure, Y/N. I'll do my best."

Yunho had come through so you were able to relax at dinner, knowing you wouldn't have to deal with the unwanted situation.

Although the dinner was nice and it was lovely to see your parents after a long time, you were more excited about the bigger celebration tomorrow; it was generally tradition for the graduates to go to out clubbing the day after (given that the parents wanted to celebrate on the day itself) but the next night you could really unwind and enjoy yourselves. You were a bit sad because the end of college meant your best friends would be moving on with their lives but you were trying to see it as an opportunity yourself - you felt like this city was your home so you wouldn't physically be moving but, metaphorically, you could move on from this last painful period of your life.

The next morning you saw your parents and wished them a good journey home; they had moved since you started college so they were further away than they used to be and didn't want to make the drive home late at night. They stayed in a hotel overnight and you met them for breakfast before seeing them off but once they were gone you started to get excited about the evening to come. You, Jina and Suzy had made reservations at a salon to have manicures and pedicures, and get your make up done; partly because you wanted a treat but also to spend the day being pampered with your two best friends before you wouldn't have them in your life so much anymore. You also went to get your hair done - nothing drastic, just a trim and professional blow dry - you wanted to look great tonight and you'd never felt you were any good at doing your own hair. A new dress and heels and you were ready.

The chosen club was the favourite one for the students to visit, it played the best music and didn't charge a fortune for drinks - best of all though, it had a 2-for-1 offer on cocktails and shots, knowing all the students would flock there for their post-graduation celebration. As you walked in you felt amazing, your dress was a black, sparkly material, fitted in all the right places and shorter than you normally went for. You matched it with strappy, black stilettos with a glitter heel and subtle silver jewellery. It wasn't just your look that made you feel amazing, you just felt better than you had in a long time; maybe it was optimism for a fresh start.

As the night wore on, the drinks kept flowing and you were well on your way to being drunk and having a great time with your own group of revellers. You, Jina and Suzy were there with Lucas and his usual friends but he'd also brought along some others from his course who you'd never met before. You'd normally be shy around new people and keep to yourself but the alcohol and excited atmosphere made you braver and you were all happily dancing together. There was one guy in particular who seemed to have taken a liking to you and was dancing very close, trying to grind on you; you were happy to dance with him but politely tried to keep a distance between you. After a while he was getting a bit too handsy so you excused yourself to go get a water from the bar. It was there that you spotted the one person you had hoped not to see and he was heading in your direction right now. As he approached you noticed he had cut his black hair slightly shorter than before and had a fringe. A lot of students chose to dye their hair bright colours but you loved Mingi's naturally black hair - with that and his beautiful dark eyes and plump pink lips, you'd always thought he looked stunning.  Just to make it harder for you he had worn a dark blue shirt with the first two buttons undone so you could see the thin silver chain he wore draped across his well defined collarbones and it made your heart beat a little faster.

"Y/N, can we talk?"

You looked up at Mingi, wishing all the feelings you had been trying to supress for the last few months weren't trying to claw their way to the surface.

"I don't think that's a good idea." You said, looking away from him, still waiting for your turn to get served.

"Oh, but dancing provocatively with your arse in some dude's crotch is a good idea to you?"

You snapped your head up and stared at him in shock. Was he really doing this?

"What has it got to do with you if I do, Mingi?" You were starting to get angry, he can't just decide to start caring now after taking you for granted for so long.

"Maybe I just don't like seeing some other guy with his hands all over my girlfriend." He said, raising his already naturally loud voice a little, making the few people in earshot look round curiously.  

"Except I'm not your girlfriend, am I?" You spat at him and the look of hurt that flashed over his features sent a pain through your heart - or was it really the fact that you weren't his that was hurting you?.

"Y/N...please." He looked like a hurt puppy and your resolve wavered - only for a moment, though, because you remembered the blonde at the bar and anger rose up in your chest again.

"You think can go out and date random girls with Seonghwa but get to tell me who I can and can't dance with?"

"What? That stupid girl from the bar? I just went on that date to stop Hwa bugging me about it and I left just after I saw you there. I never wanted her - I only want you!" The look Mingi gave you was so earnest you wanted to believe him but the truth was he had hurt you so much.

The bartender came then to take your order. You should've just asked for the water you came for but the dull ache you had come to live with was turning into a sharp, tearing pain again.

"Two shots of tequila, please." Mingi waited silently beside you while you got your drinks and paid. When you were done he grabbed your arm, trying to stop you from leaving.

"Y/N... Please give me another chance." He looked so broken but you couldn't go back to him, back to being neglected and ignored.

You downed both shots and put the glasses back on the bar. Steeling yourself against the pained look he was giving you, you turned and looked up into the face of the man you knew, deep down, you still loved but were still too angry at.

"No, Mingi. I can't."

You walked back to the dance floor, knowing full well what you were doing was petty, and started dancing with that same guy whose name you didn't even know. This time you did dance provocatively and you let him grind against you. You knew Mingi was watching you, you could see him looking over at you while he drank with his seven friends. It was a bad idea, you knew that but you wanted Mingi to know that he didn't own you. You were his once but he ruined it.

You were having a lot of fun but eventually you started to feel the alcohol catching up to you as your movements became less co-ordinated. It was pretty late anyway so you told Suzy and Jina you were calling it a night.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Jina asked but you knew they were still a long way off from being done.

"I'll be fine; there are still lots of people on the streets and I won't go through any secluded areas." You promised.

Hugs were exchanged and you stumbled you way through the mass of clubbers to get to the door. Outside you stopped a little way from the club and enjoyed the feeling of the cool night air on your hot skin.

"Hey." You turned in the direction of the male voice to find the guy you had been dancing with had followed you out of the club.

"Oh. Hi." You said uneasily, hoping he didn't want what you thought he might.

"So I thought we could go back to my place and have a little more fun, yeah?" He took a few steps closer to you with a look in his eyes that made you uncomfortable.

"I'd really rather go home alone, thank you." You said as confidently as you could despite feeling anxious, hoping he would accept your refusal and leave you alone.  

He closed the distance running his hand down your arm and closing his hand around your wrist. "You see...I don't really think it's fair for you to tease me all night like that and then not give me a little something." You swallowed nervously, looking around and trying to think of how to get out of this awful situation.

"Don't you agree?" He added a little menacingly, leaning in closer to you.

The male tightened his grip on your wrist and started to pull you in the direction of a nearby side street; it was dark with no one down there and panic started to rise up in your chest, causing it to tighten horribly.

If you were able to think rationally you would have screamed to alert the other people on the streets that something was wrong but the fear had gripped you and all you could manage was a futile attempt at breaking free of this man's hold. He wasn't huge but you were still small compared to him, in height and build and his grip was firm.

As he pulled you, stumbling because of your stilettos and the alcohol, into the side street you managed to find your voice and, as loudly as you could muster with the fear still constricting your throat, you tried to shout, "Let me go! I don't want this!"

The man didn't listen to you, he simply stopped some way down the dark street and pushed your back up against the wall, holding you in place.

"Get your hands off her NOW!" His voice was low and full of anger but it was so beautiful to you in this moment.

"Get lost. She's mine tonight." The man said not even looking in the direction of the intruder but still looking directly at you with a nasty smile on his face.

All of a sudden he was yanked back away from you; he still had one of his hands on your wrist and pulled you over as he flew back.

"Are you ok?" Mingi asked, scanning your face. His voice held none of the anger it had a moment ago as he spoke gently to you. You let Mingi pull you up and steady you on your feet, feeling just a slight pain in your knee as it had been grazed by the fall.

"What's your problem, dude? I'm just trying to have a little fun."

The anger flashed over Mingi's face again as he straightened up and turned to the man and before you knew it he punched him hard in the face, the man stumbling and falling to the ground. Mingi turned back to you and gently said, "Let's go." and you could see he was doing his very best to hold in his fury. It already made him angry to think of another man touching you but to do so without your consent - and to hurt you, as well - took him beyond angry.

"She's just a tease anyway. If she's gonna act like a whore, she'll get treated like one." The man angrily called out after your retreating backs but Mingi couldn't let that pass, he wanted this scum to be sorry he ever touched you. He let you go and strode back to the man who was still sitting on the pavement, he grabbed his collar roughly in his left hand and started raining punches down on him. You stumbled your way over the uneven paving stones to try to calm him before he did any real damage but Mingi was in a rage; the man now lying on the ground having his face pounded by both of Mingi's large fists as he straddled his body.

"Mingi, please!" You cried out, worried someone would see this. The man was scum and didn't deserve any better given what he would've done to you but you didn't want Mingi getting into trouble because of his temper.

"MINGI, STOP!" He finally stopped, breathing hard and looked down at the bloody man under him. He was nowhere near calm but he let you lead him away.

You walked mostly silent back to your dorm, holding Mingi's arm for support with just the occasional query from him as to how you felt and if you were hurt, to which you tried to reassure him that you were fine now and it was just a graze. At your dorm you invited Mingi inside, partly because you didn't want him going off still so angry and partly to clean him up - his knuckles were cut and bloody and, at some point, the man must've got at least one punch in as you could see a fresh cut on Mingi's lip.

You sat Mingi on the couch as you prepared some water, cotton wool and antiseptic spray to treat his wounds. As he sat there with his head in his hands you could see the amount of anger still bubbling inside him.

"Mingi, I'm ok. Really." You said gently, startling him as he hadn't heard your approach.

"I'm not." He said simply. "I wanted to kill that guy for what he was trying to do to you."

Not knowing what to say to that you simply took one of Mingi's big hands in yours and started to clean the blood off his knuckles before gently drying them and spraying a little antiseptic over the cut skin. You laughed lightly when he hissed at the sting of it.

"So you can take the pain of repeatedly punching a man in the face until your knuckles bleed but you can't deal with a little stinging?"

Mingi smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, "You've calmed me down a bit now. The anger overtook me so much back there, I guess I didn't feel the pain."

You didn't reply, just moved quietly on to his other hand, cleaning it as he sat on the couch with his eyes closed and his head laid back. You smiled to yourself when he fussed about the antiseptic again.

Mingi looked up when you gently started to dab at the cut on his lip with wet cotton wool. While you were concentrating on cleaning off the blood, you could see that Mingi was staring intently at your face. A couple of times you looked up at him from you position next to him - kneeling on the couch but sitting back on your feet - and each time your eyes met you could see something blazing in his beautiful, dark eyes. It was definitely affection but you didn't know if it was love; that was something you had been sure he didn't have for you anymore. You looked closer at Mingi, looked into those intense, dark eyes that you loved so much and thought that maybe he did still love you.

Although, you knew it was a bad idea, you slowly leaned up and gently kissed the corner of his lip where he was cut. "Thank you for saving me." you added softly.

Mingi looked at you for a few seconds before grabbing your face with his large hands and pulling you in for a kiss; asking for entry with his tongue as he licked across your bottom lip. You knew it was wrong but you gave in and melted into it, kissing him back eagerly. You'd never been able to let go of your feelings for Mingi, even though you'd tried to bury them and, in your still slightly drunken state you didn't have the strength to deny him.

Mingi placed his hands firmly around your waist and pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling him, your short, black dress riding further up so the only barrier between you and the growing bulge in his trousers was your delicate underwear. He left your lips and kissed along your jawline, moving to your neck, pulling a gasp from you as he sucked hard against your soft skin. You couldn't help yourself and started grinding your core against him, feeling the bulge grow harder still underneath you. Mingi grabbed a hold of your dress and pulled it over your head in one fluid motion, almost growling as he took in the sight of you in your matching black lace bra and brazillian panties.

"I've missed you so much, Y/N. You have no idea how much I want you right now." His rough voice was deeper than you'd ever heard it and it sent shivers down your spine, the excitement making your core clench instinctively and wetness start to pool. As you moaned his name, Mingi unclasped your bra and tossed it to the floor, immediately latching his mouth onto one of your hard nipples while his large hand caressed the other breast before pulling harshly at your delicate nub with his thumb and forefinger. You let out a loud moan and ground down harder against his clothed erection wanting to feel more friction on your heated core and Mingi, knowing what you wanted so well by now, lifted you slightly and slipped his hand under the waistband of your panties and entered your warm, wet hole with his long fingers, reaching deeper than you ever could yourself.

The only thing you could hear was your own moans of pleasure and the wet sound of Mingi's fingers fucking in and out of you harshly. Suddenly Mingi lifted you into his strong arms and carried you into your bedroom, while you kissed down his neck, taking in the familiar scent of his cologne. He laid you on the bed and slid your panties off you, groaning as he took in the sight of your bare, wet pussy. Mingi crawled between you legs, firmly grabbing one in each hand and spread them further apart. Slowly he placed wet kisses along your inner thighs but gradually something more animalistic came over him and he started to mark you, biting and sucking hard and making bruises start to appear almost instantly. He ran his mouth all the way up from your soft inner thighs to the delicate skin between your thighs and your aching pussy and, finally, pulling you closer to him roughly he marked his way over your hips. He was like an animal that had fought and won for his mate and you loved that he was now marking you as his own before he took you as his own, too.

Marking complete, Mingi dove between your legs and licked all the way up your smooth, wet folds. You moaned out loud in pleasure as he finally slipped his tongue between them and straight into your tight hole, lapping up your juices and moaning against you.

"You taste so sweet, Baby. You don't know how badly I've wanted this." The vibration of his deep voice quickly drove you to the edge and when Mingi moved his mouth up to suck hard on your swollen clit you thought you were going to explode right then. Mingi shoved two of his long fingers back inside your entrance, which was now soaking with both your own wetness and his saliva, curling them up to hit your sweet spot and you couldn't contain it any longer. Intense pleasure flooded over you as Mingi continued to suck and lick sloppily at your clit while pumping his long fingers into you at a maddening pace, forcing your release to continue on for longer and longer. As you finally started to come down from the high, your body shuddered at the overwhelming sensitivity and you had to gently push Mingi's head away from your abused clit.

"Did you enjoy that, Angel?" He growled out lowly, "I've missed having my tongue inside you so much."

"But I'll bet you've missed my tongue on your cock so much more." You teased, blinking up at him through your lashes. Mingi always loved when you looked innocent but said the dirtiest things. He quickly undressed, stripping everything off entirely and you felt a thrill of excitement as you took in the sight of his hard dick standing against his lower stomach, pre-cum glistening on the tip.

"Let me take care of you, Mingi." You purred as you took his hands and pulled him down to lay on your bed. You crawled between his legs and gave him a long, sultry look as you lowered your head and kissed his wet tip. Mingi groaned at the sight of his pre-cum staining your lips and grabbed the back of your head, pulling it down, desperate to feel those soft lips around his cock. You happily obliged, wrapping your wet lips around the head and licking at the sensitive spot just under the rim. You felt his dick twitch in response but pulled away, only to lick all the way up the underside and finish with a flick against the rim again.  

"Oh God...please!" Mingi was never good at being teased, always desperate to be inside you already so you gave him exactly what he wanted and, in one smooth motion, took his entire length in your mouth.

"Oh...fuck!" Mingi's cries of pleasure filled the air as you bobbed your head up and down, dragging your mouth almost all the way up to the tip only to slide right back down until he was hitting the back of your throat.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" The sounds of you gagging on his cock were the most beautiful to Mingi and you knew how much he loved it so you deep-throated him as best you could, which wasn't easy given how big he was. You pulled away for air when you felt him start to twitch more, knowing he was close and you crawled up to straddle him, rubbing your bare heat against his throbbing member.

"Mingi, I want you inside me." You whispered in his ear as you bit on his earlobe then moved down to bite and suck on his neck, leaving marks of your own.

He groaned in frustration, "Baby, I don't have any protection on me. I didn't expect this to happen."

You didn't have anything either, having not been with anyone since him but drunken desire took over you, drowning out the tiny sober voice in the back of your head which told you this was an incredibly stupid idea.

"Mingi! I need you. Please fuck me."

Being somewhat impaired himself, Mingi didn't have the willpower to resist, he flipped you over and held himself above you with one hand beside your head and the other stroking his hard dick. He positioned himself at your entrance and stroked his tip up and down your wet slit to lubricate himself before slowly sliding in to you. The feeling of sheer pleasure overwhelmed you as you felt his thick cock stretching your walls to accommodate it and you clenched around him instinctively.

"Shit...I forgot how tight you are." He breathed out as he pushed all the way in as far as he could.

"And I forgot... aaahhh...how big and thick you are...." you cried out as Mingi hit your G-spot perfectly. He had always been big - and perhaps it was just because you'd missed him being inside you so much - but right now he felt huge and you wondered how on Earth he was fitting in your tight little hole.

Mingi leaned down and kissed you deeply, never stopping his hard, deep thrusts. His soft lips moved down to your neck leaving wet kisses down your hot skin until he reached your collarbone and resumed marking you.

"God, I love your tight cunt." He growled out between kisses as he continued to thrust hard and fast. The feeling of Mingi's big, hard cock sliding in and out of your aching core was more than you could bear and the intensity of it overtook all your senses until you couldn't feel anything else but him.

"This sweet little cunt belongs to me." He said as he continued to fuck you roughly. "Tell me you haven't let anyone else touch you. Tell me you're still mine." Mingi's voice was a mix of possessive and desperate as he begged you for reassurance.

"Mingi..." you panted out as he continued to rock his hips against yours, "There was never anyone else but you."

"Tell me you're mine." He demanded, his deep, powerful voice forcing you into submission.

"I'm yours, Mingi. I'm all yours." A tiny part of you knew this was all a bad idea but it felt so right. Mingi being inside you made you feel complete and, for once, you couldn't feel that dull ache in your chest anymore.

Mingi could feel you clenching around him and, knowing you were getting close again, he reached down between your boddies and began to circle your still very sensitive clit while whispering praises to you.

"That's it, beautiful girl, cum for me again." He let out a deep groan as he felt your walls convulse around him and your warm, wetness release all over his thick cock.

Chasing his own high, Mingi lifted your legs to rest over his shoulders so he could reach deeper inside you and his thrusts got harder but sloppier as he came ever closer to orgasm.

"Baby, you feel like Heaven...I wanna fill you up so badly." He was so close now and you desperately wanted him do it.

"Mingi, cum for me. Fill me up. Make me yours, Mingi." It was all he needed to hear and with a couple more thrusts he released deep inside you, filling you up with his hot, thick cum.

Mingi remained inside you as you both breathed heavily, coming down from your highs, before pulling out and laying beside you on the bed. He pulled you into his arms and, as you were succumbing to sleep, you could hear him murmuring,

"You're mine, Angel. You'll always be mine."

                                                    ********

As you woke to the sun's rays filtering through your window, you had a mixture of thoughts running through your mind as the memories of last night came flooding back. Mingi was laying next to you, still with an arm wrapped around you and he roused as he felt you moving to sit up.

"Good morning, Baby."

You smiled at him but it didn't reach your eyes. You were so confused; what happened last night had felt so right but now you were entirely sober and could think about it clearly, you were scared. Mingi had hurt you before and it had taken so much to get over it that you were scared to let it happen again.

"Y/N, what's up?" He could see by your expression that something was wrong but didn't know where your thoughts were taking you.

"Mingi...What happened last night. It shouldn't have."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, confused.

"We can't be together. You hurt me before, I can't go back to that - I can't go through that again."

"Baby, you're mine." He said desperately, "You said you were mine." In his eyes you could see tears forming, shaking your resolve. You couldn't bear to see him like that so you looked down at your hands which were in your lap, playing with your fingers anxiously.

"I can't be yours anymore, Mingi. Last night...we were both drunk." You said it gently, willing him to understand.

"I may have been a little drunk but I know it wasn't a mistake. I love you, Y/N."

"I'm sorry, Mingi. Please...just go." The words sounded wrong in your ears but you were so scared of being hurt again.

"Don't do this to me again. I can't be without you, Baby." His deep voice sounded so desperate but you couldn't look at him, couldn't afford to let him change your mind.

"I'm so sorry." Despite the tears falling, the finality in your tone told him that you meant it. You felt the bed move as he got up and heard the rustle of his clothes as he picked them up and silently dressed. You held in your sobs until you had heard the front door close, knowing if he heard how broken you were he would come back. Once you were all alone you let all the pain debilitate you and sobbed into the pillow which smelled so much of the man you still loved.

                                                      ********

Mingi POV

Hongjoong and Yunho looked up as their other roomate walked in the door looking disheveled.

"Hey! Where did you go last night? You suddenly disappeared." The shorter of the two asked.

They watched as Mingi silently walked to the kitchen side and picked up the half-drunk bottle of bourbon sitting there. Unscrewing the cap and tossing it onto the side, he took a long swig. He hissed slightly as the alcohol stung the cut on his lip, causing some of the brown liquid to drip down onto his shirt.

As your ex-boyfriend walked towards his room, the bourbon bottle gripped tight in his hand, his two best friends really took in the state of him - cuts all over his knuckles, a cut on his lip which was starting to bruise.

"Mingi, what the hell happened to you?" Yunho called out, alarmed.

"Just....leave me alone."

[gremlin-writes-angst]

The Three Kingdoms

Chapter 1 - Here’s Chapter 2

1.3k words written by gremlin-writes-angst

A story about a prince, a princess, a royal guard and a famous knight, and how their love forms and changes each other. Three different kingdoms, The Ashido Kingdom, The Toyomitsu kingdom and The Kaminari Kingdom, all of different status. The Ashido Kingdom is the wealthiest around , their soon to be queen Mina Ashido who has fallen for her loyal guard and best friend, Sero Hanta. The Toyomitsu Kingdom known for defeating The Kaminari Kingdom over 100 years ago, and for their fierce knights and, specifically, the strongest knights of the land Eijiro Kirishima. The Kaminari Kingdom, home of prince Denki Kaminari , a kingdom on the verge of collapse, the known rival of The Toyomitsu Kingdom.

Trigger warning: nothing graphic but mentions of torture.

Let me now if I missed a trigger or if there's spelling mistakes.

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A famous knight from The Toyomitsu kingdom was sent to spy on The Kaminari Kingdom from the inside. He was tall, kind, handsome, strong, and manly. He was known as one of the strongest knights for his age, all knights wanted to meet him, to learn from him, but he wasn't allowed to leave his kingdom until he turned 18. When he turned 18 he was given a mission to infiltrate the enemy kingdom, not to attack just so that their kingdom could be aware of the others' attacks. He failed though, almost immediately caught by the king and brought to a special cellar and tortured. Half a week in the cell being tortured and he thought he was starting to lose himself, until he heard someone descending the stairs, the knight watched the stairway waiting to see who was coming to see him at this time of night. It was a blonde, and a beautiful one at that. The knight l thought that because of the hour and the fact the blonde beauty wasn't dressed in knight armor,  that the blonde was her to save him. His hopes of being saved was proven false when the blonde started to rain insults at the man, mostly based on his kingdom. Even though the words were rude it was better than the physical torture he was facing everyday, he was relieved , relieved enough to laugh. The knight watched as the blonde's face changed from scowl to a very sour looking face, which made him laugh more.

"Stop laughing you… you ugh you threw me off my script" 

Denki couldn't think of any insulting names on the spot everything he previously said was planned and rehearsed.Through the laughs the knight introduces himself 

" I'm Eijiro Kirishima, Knight of The Toyomitsu Kingdom" 

He sticks his hand out of the cell bars waiting for a handshake, instead he receives a smack.

"I know who you are and I don't want to be friends, you're from Taishiro Toyomitsu kingdom, our enemy and the reason I don't have a mother anymore."

Kirishima pulled his hand back into the cell

" I'm sorry about your mother but I know that King Toyomitsu doesn't want to fight and never wanted to cause harm. How did she die?"

" Birth complications, she was due to give birth to my brother but they both died."

" I'm sorry for your loss but how is that my kingdom's fault?"

Denki thought back to that day, his dad stormed the castle, screaming and crying about the death of his wife and offspring, cursing at Toyomitsu's and his kingdom. Now thinking back Denki realizes that he doesn't actually know why his dad blamed Toyomitsu's kingdom, but there had to be a reason…..right

" it just is OK, everything is your kingdoms fault"

"Oh is this some kind or coping mechanism where you blame things on something else so you don't have to face reality?"

Denki didn't like what the knight was saying because it was possible.

" no, your kingdom killed them, you sent poison or paid the doctor to kill her."

"Believe what you want,  but I swear on my kingdom, my knight status,  on my family that our kingdom did not mean for you mother and unborn brother to die" 

Kirishima pledged, and Denki watched, even when kirishima was done, Denki stayed for a few minutes until the silence became unbearable,  and he left, cursing at himself for not defending his beliefs well enough.

The blonde was the only person to not torture kirishima while he was here so he grew attached to the conversation they had even if it was short and full of insults. He waited up at night in hopes of seeing the blonde again but after a few nights he realized he might have scared the blonde off cause the blonde hadn't returned. Kirishima gave up and went to sleep, and the next night while was asleep the blonde made his way down to the dungeon, he had been away because he was mad at the knight,  mainly because he was right. When Denki got to the cellular he saw the sleeping figure, there were new cuts and bruises but he was more focused on the face, he was drooling? This was the knight that he had heard could kill a dozen knights in one go, the knight that was named "red riot" because he was covered in the blood of his enemy's, but he looked so peaceful sleeping. Denki would even say he looked like a puppy, a very cute puppy at that. Denki shook his head and hit it against the cell bars to get rid of those thoughts. Kirishima was woken by the ring of the cell bars. 

" shhh I'm trying to sleep…oh it's you, why today, of course you decided to show up the day I stop waiting."

 Kirishima originally wanted to stop the sound changed to being awake and full of excitement at the sight of the beautiful blonde. Denki was thrown of his grove when he heard the knight talk. For one his wake up voice was…. well it was hot. And the words he said made him blush and forgot what he wanted to say

" you waited up for me" 

As soon as Denki asked that and realized the filthy thoughts he had he hit his head on the bars again

" well yeah, wow stop that ,you'll ruin that pretty face of yours"

Denki froze in his spot, did the knight from his enemy kingdom  call him pretty, maybe he just hit his head too many times, his solution was to hit it more. Denki hit his head two more times very quickly when he swung for a third time but made no contact with the bar. He opened his eyes to see the knight's bare arm on his chest, the knight had pushed him away from the bars , preventing him from harming himself.

"You don't listen do you , I said stop, your gonna cause yourself brain damage"  

The blonde looked at the arm on his chest again, it was very muscular,  but not bulky, there were bruises and cuts along it but Denki couldn't stop thinking about how strong this knight must be, from what Denki could see, the knight was built like his dream man. Denki shook his head to get rid of the thoughts of another man in such a way. He separated himself from the Knight. 

" I came here to ask about what you know about coping mechanics or whatever you said last time."

Kirishima was glad to have stopped the blonde from harming himself,  and that the blonde was trying to learn

"Well it's not uncommon for a person to blame things they can't or don't want to believe on a person or thing that can't defend themselves. Like how your dad blames everything on my kingdom, we don't know he's blaming us so we can't defend ourselves."

"I guess that makes sense, i mean I never really understand how it was King Toyomitsu's fault when the baker ran out of my father's favorite bread" 

Kirishima laughs

"That funny, you're funny, and yeah that doesn't make sense"

Denki was flustered again, he was never called funny before,  and he liked it. Denki realized that the guards would soon come check on the prisoner, so he began to leave without a goodbye before he could leave the knight asked

" Will you be back? What's your name , you never told me?"

 Kirishima was desperate he knew the yelling would attract the guards but he need to know the boys name

" I'm Denki and yes I'll return when I can" 

Kirishima thought about the blonde he now knew as Denki ,it sounded familiar but he couldn't remember why.

As Denki fleas up the stairs he realized he gave the knight his first name and not his last, but he realized it was probably best he didn't know that he was the prince of the kingdom and that his father was the same one that was beating Kirishima everyday. When he gets to bed he thinks about the knight, his puppy face,his hot voice, the muscular body and the laugh. And he replays the laugh and his voice saying "you're funny" until he falls asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[handsofdarkness]

Sharon den Adel (Within Temptation): "Emotions are the most important ingredient in music"

A few days ago we interviewed the singer of Within Temptation – Sharon den Adel. We talked with the artist from the Netherlands about what her life in the lockdown reality looks like, about her band's publishing plans and hopes for the coming months. Enjoy your reading!

The interview, which took place on January 14, 2021 was conducted by Mateusz M. Godoń via Skype.

MATEUSZ: Hi Sharon! First of all, how are you doing? How is your life during the current lockdown?

SHARON: I'm fine, thank you. Yeah, of course it's not the ideal situation, but, you know, we have to cope like everyone else. And that's just what it is.

MATEUSZ: So what do you do when you have to spend most of your time at home? Have you discovered any new passions recently or are you just developing some older ones?

SHARON: I'm mostly developing the older ones. But we've redone the whole house, for instance. So that's one of the things that I never thought I would enjoy that much. But if you are at home that much, it's nice to have something to do. So we’ve been redecorating, painting rooms and stuff like that just to keep busy, but obviously, we also devoted a lot of time to music.

MATEUSZ: Quite recently you guys have released your new single called "The Purge". Can you tell us a bit about this song? What is this piece about?

SHARON: Well, it's all about looking back on life and dealing with situations and decisions made in the past and living on – and because of dealing with it, you can live better. You know, sometimes you really need to look certain things in the eye to cope with it again and not take the burden along with you throughout the years – and it will be easier in life if you do it. And that's something that we had a lot of time for, I think, when we were in a lockdown to overthink life. Everybody's in a roller coaster, the whole year long and every year, so when there's a lockdown like this, you get a chance to re-evaluate your life itself and also directions and decisions made, of course. And that's, I think, why "The Purge" came together.

MATEUSZ: This is the second song after "Entertain You", which you are releasing as a part of series of singles. Why did you choose this form of sharing new material this time instead of waiting for a whole new album to be ready?

SHARON: Well, the first reason was to have some new songs while being on tour again, of course, when we are doing this co-headline tour with Evanescence. We felt like we've just been on tour, so it's nice to have on the new tour some new songs to surprise everybody that we don't just play the same - or more or less the same – setlist again, but we have some new songs added to it as well, which is always nice, I guess. And then of course, a lockdown came and we felt like: OK, you know what, we're just going to continue doing this and we're not going to release an album, because we don't know how long it's going to take before we get out of the lockdown again. And we need something to look forward to. And it's also an experiment in a way, and started with the fact that we wanted to present some new songs on tour. But, yeah, now it became a bigger experiment than we thought – it was going to be a longer one anyway [laughter]. But it's nice, because now we're right in the moment and that's good also, I think.

MATEUSZ: But after all, do you plan to release an album with all the singles you are now releasing in digital form? Fans still like to have all their favorite bands' songs on physical media, and I'm sure they'd love to have another release to add to their collections!

SHARON: Yeah, well, we are planning that still. It is still the plan to release eventually an album, but it will take us some time to get together and also record everything, of course. But we have enough time. Getting together is a bit of a problem – but we can do a lot already and we'll see how far we get. And you know, there's a lot of touring ahead of us when we are able to go on tour again. So that needs to come first, but of course, there will be an album eventually. But we're still going to keep on releasing some new songs here and there as long as this takes.

MATEUSZ: Not so long ago, you have created your own label. Why did you decide to do that? Does it have anything to do with trying to release songs in a different way than before?

SHARON: Yes, you know, we artists have different goals than record companies sometimes. And for us, this was very important to do it this way to try this out. And then you have to be, well, you know, on the same page with your record company, of course. And when it didn't happen, we decided to do it on our own.

MATEUSZ: Right! Not so long ago, because just two years ago, you have released your last longplay, "Resist", and it came out five years after the previous album. What it took you so long to release a follow-up to "Hydra"?

SHARON: Well, it was because of the fact that I had a little bit of writer's block. Little was a big one – and it was not just me, but I think the whole band was in a small identity crisis, I guess. In a way, it was a little like a lockdown for the band at that time. In a way, it was a little like a lockdown for the band at that time. You know, life can always be one big rollercoaster for everyone in this world – and sometimes, at a certain age, or maybe because of some problems (like in my case, because my dad got really ill), you can just have enough. I got into a vibe like I wanted to look back on life and started realizing: do I still want to do this? So I was a little bit in an emotional crisis in a way. And also together with this writer's block, I think, which was, of course, glued together, it was one big problem. Of course, it was all connected to each other. And it wasn't just me – I think a lot of them were like: OK, we've been doing this for so many years in our adult life, what else do we want to do? In the band, I'm one of the writers – not the only one, of course – but everyone was struggling to find a new direction, a new goal, a new challenge, I guess. And so I decided in the meantime that, just for therapy, I was going to write a few songs and it didn't have to be for Within Temptation. And it really opened the doorway of writing new stuff that I normally would never write and would come out of me. And so it helped me get rid of the blockage, this writer's block that I had. And I wrote a different album in the meantime. So that also took a lot of time. And releasing it was for me, a personal project that I needed to do for myself. It was called My Indigo. And yeah, and it helped us back on track with this, not just me, but I think everybody, because I also got some help from the other members. Everybody was, of course, in the same kind of ship and we were a little bit shipwrecked [laughter]. So it was, yeah, time for some cooling down and some distance, I guess. And that’s why it took us five years to come back with "Resist".

MATEUSZ: I'm glad to hear that the crisis is over or it's getting better at least. You've already mentioned this sideproject of yours, My Indigo. Do you plan to continue it and release more albums under this brand name?

SHARON: I'm only working for Within Temptation at the moment, but I hope to write someday again for My Indigo when I feel the need for it. It should be a project that is spontaneous and should come to me when I am ready for it, I guess. And at this moment, I don't have the inspiration for My Indigo. I hope I'll get it again – but it's also not always a good sign [laughter]. When I'm working for Within Temptation, I'm not working for My Indigo – and vice versa. I think I need both, probably, but at this moment I'm more in the vibe for Within Temptation.

MATEUSZ: Great! So, as you've already mentioned, last year you were planning to go on a big tour with Evanescence, but the pandemic thwarted your plans and the tour had to be postponed to fall 2021. Hopefully this tour will take place and there would be no more problems  –  but how do you envision the post-pandemic touring?

SHARON: I think people will be more fired up to hear music live! Fired up because of the fact that they're finally out of their houses, you know, everybody is out there and wants to be together again. And I think that it will bring a crazy kind of fire that will bring it to the next level. You know, people are really going to appreciate being outdoors again, not just for us, of course, not just our own shows, but every show that's going to happen after this lockdown. I think it is going to be crazy and so much fun. So I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really hoping that will happen soon.

MATEUSZ: Yeah, I understand you totally  –  I'm also looking forward to the return of concerts, because I'm a photographer during the shows here in Poland and I miss it so much!

SHARON: I can imagine! [laughter]

MATEUSZ: So do you do you miss playing live yourself?

SHARON: Yes, of course, I miss this interaction. I miss the people. I miss the crew. I miss the band, obviously! I miss everybody. The whole picture isn't complete without one or the other. So we need everyone and every single person that was involved in the past and hopefully will get on board again with this new tour, because there's also some problems ahead, I guess! Also because of the fact that you don't know if everybody is going to survive this lockdown – meaning like truck companies, the catering that we used to have... We know every each and every person almost who travels with us. You know, it's one big family – and that goes for every person who supports our team, like truck and bus drivers who travel with us from one city to another and to any country. And so you need everybody on board to be able to get this picture back in place again. And I really hope most people who'd worked for us, are still able to work for us when we start again, because everybody will start up at the same time more or less and there will be a lot of work. But you have your favorite team, of course, and they work for several people. So it’s just wondering, like, can we get the dream team together again? Hopefully they will choose us.

MATEUSZ: Yeah, sure! Let's hope that everybody would be available when this nightmare ends and there would be no more problems. So you are planning to perform in Poland again during the Worlds Collide tour. You have played here many times before. Which of those visits do you consider the most important? Do you have any special memories from here?

SHARON: Well, I love the city Cracow, because I think that's one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to! So I like the Polish fans because they have a drive for music like no other, I guess, especially not in up north in Europe. You're very passionate people! And that's something that I love, because we feel the same passion for music when we are on stage. And it's easy to get in contact with Polish audience because they are so enthusiastic, so outgoing in their passion. And I really admire that because, you know, not every country has that. Not every people express themselves that easily. And that's really beautiful!

MATEUSZ: Thanks, that's very nice what you say! I've heard that you and your parents traveled to a lot of countries when you were a child. What did these experiences give you? Which of the places you have visited do you like to come back the most?

SHARON: Well, as a child I lived in Surinam, which and I think that's one of the most beautiful countries I've ever been to, and also in Indonesia. I've lived in so many countries, but also I've traveled to a lot of countries. But still, I like the people very much in Surinam. They were very relaxed, very sweet. They were very easy going to get to know and very loving people. So I'm hoping to come back to that country one day again. But there are so many beautiful countries as so many beautiful place on Earth. I've been to Australia, I've been to Africa. But I think it's the people you meet in a place that make you find it beautiful. And I met a lot of beautiful people in Surinam.

MATEUSZ: What you say made me want to go there one day!

SHARON: Yeah, it's a really beautiful country, with such a nice jungle and the people are just really lovely! You should definitely go there someday!

MATEUSZ: OK, I hope I will be able to! Speaking of memories of your youth – you started your career in the fashion industry. What made you finally decide to switch to music?

SHARON: Well, you know, music was always my biggest passion, and you guys from Poland know about passion, so that's always leading. So in fact, fashion was a second plan, more like I needed a job – I needed to get bread on the table, like they say here in Holland. So you need to have your priorities first. And music was always a hobby to us, because at the time that we started there wasn't a big legacy of bands that were world famous. There weren't bands that could live from their music. And so we felt like: OK, you know, let's be realistic – the kind of music that we make, you know, how many people will like it? [laughter] That's what they told us also from the start! Our parents were like: OK, come on, guys, you know, be realistic, you're never going to make it in music. And not only your parents, but everyone around us was saying: OK, what do you do in your life? You make music? Yeah, OK, but what's your job? And they did make us think. And so everybody has their degrees. Robert did a study for education, for human resource management, I had this fashion management. We also had some whiz-kid in our band, a guitar player, who was developing websites and stuff like that. So everybody had their jobs besides the band. And all of a sudden we broke through and then everything changed – we had a huge hit with "Ice Queen" in the Netherlands and Belgium, we felt like: OK, why not go for it for just for a certain time and enjoy this? Because might never come back, and this is our passion – so let's leave the job and go for it! [laughter] And so we did, and we never had to go back to the job again, luckily for us. But, you know, since then, the music industry in the Netherlands has been getting bigger and bigger also not just because of us, of course, but there was so many different kind of styles developing at the same time, like the dance scene was huge in the Netherlands, and it still is quite big. And so, you know, it's something we never thought would happen. Also, besides us, there are so many other bands who started touring and believing in the fact that might be a chance to do this for a living, you know, to have your passion as a daily thing.

MATEUSZ: All right, thanks for such a long, nice story! So as a songwriter, as a stage artist, where do you get your inspirations from? Do you have any favorite other acts whose work has influenced what kind of artist you are?

SHARON: Oh, many! You know, as a small girl, I lived in Indonesia and one day I went to a drive-in show with my parents, where I first saw the movie "Grease". And afterwards I wanted to have the record with the songs from that movie, because I fell in love with the vocals of this lady who could sing so well, whose name was Olivia Newton-John! I just wanted to sing those songs from "Grease" – and I did, for many years, on a daily basis! [laughter] I know every song from front to back and back to front. I was Olivia's fan for a long time, and also from her music I got into country music. My parents were playing a lot of Eagles and, you know... I'm sorry I forgot the question when I started to talk! This is a very big story. What was the original question? [laughter]

MATEUSZ: Where do you get your inspirations from?

SHARON: Which people inspired me, yeah! So, as I already said, I started with Olivia Newton-John, and then when I grew older, I got into Tori Amos. But I also liked Mariah Carey, for instance, very much because she was for me "the Steve Vai amongst vocalists". It may not be the type of music you would expect from me – and it is certainly not my favorite – but Mariah was the most technical singer I've ever heard in my life. And I think that for many singers, a great way to practice your vocal cords is to sing her songs. I have never taken singing lessons myself – but practicing on my own, I was always trying to get that really idiotic high notes from Mariah Carey and try to replicate it. And I drove my parents crazy, but she was one of my inspirations, more on the technical side. And I also love Janis Joplin. During the concerts, she was all over the floor and she was crying on stage. She was so emotional. She was giving all her passion to the audience, and that was so beautiful! I was inspired by her – and I was inspired by Kurt Cobain, who did the same thing, but with a heavier music. And that was my first encounter with really heavy music – because, of course, I knew Alice Cooper, but he was more pop or pop-rock to my opinion. So Nirvana was my ultimate favorite band. So different artists inspired me in different ways, but especially how they expressed themselves on stage and made me aware of the fact that emotion is maybe the most important ingredient in music. So that way, yeah, I was really inspired by all these artists in a different way, I guess.

MATEUSZ: It's not good to ask about plans right now, because we can plan anything and the pandemic would always destroy our schedules. So what can I wish you for this new year that have just recently started?

SHARON: Well, the tour will go on at least and hopefully also the festivals. But, you know, that's quite close in the year, and I'm not sure everybody will be vaccinated or there will be a plan for that yet, but I hope that at least some festivals will happen and the tour will happen in September, but it's quite far away. I just want to believe that it will be real to come back on stage, and I wish that to every band because everyone is waiting to somehow get back to normal life. And it's you know, it's for some people even more important because it's the only thing they have. So for me, the best wish is that we can be playing life again, not just for us, but for everyone, just as that would be such a beautiful gift for 2021.

MATEUSZ: Yeah. Let's hope that it would happen! So is there anything that you would like to say to your Polish fans at the end of this interview?

SHARON: Well, I really hope they will hold onto that passion of theirs and I hope that we'll see each other sooner or later. Hang in there and stay tough! And, yeah, we'll make that bonfire together when we get there!

MATEUSZ: Thanks! Thank you very much, Sharon, for this conversation. It was quite an honor to me to speak with you today. And as you've already said, I hope to meet you on tour this year in Poland to gather with all the fans and to celebrate the return of normal life.

SHARON: Yes, totally! Let's do that. Let's hold on to that picture, that's very important!

[mother-snake]

Me: *looks at completed homework* *looks at Jessie* *looks at homework* Now that I have my freedom your heart is in danger once again. Be warned brave friend.

Also me: JANUS!! GET YOUR BLOND HEAD OUT HERE!!! I NEED YOU AGAIN!

faintly in the distance: noooooooo

~~~~~~~~

All the sides were wearing black.

They just got home from a very sad event that day, no one wanted to say the title out loud because they couldn't accept that he was gone. Rain hit the mindscape windows, similarly, tears were streaming down all of their faces.

After the event, all the sides went to their rooms. All except a certain dark blue side.

Logan was on the couch. Black suit being crumpled by the lax sitting position. In his shaking hands was held a letter. Everyone had at least one letter. Logan had the most with five letters. Each one had a number.

Logan grabbed the letter labeled #1

It was of medium size. White envelope contrasting with the red wax used to seal it. The only thing that marked that it was for him was the blue ink used to mark his name.

Trying not to tear the paper. Logan opened the letter and started to read.

Dear Logan,

I guess if you're reading this I'm gone. To that fact, I'm truly sorry. I wish I could be there. But this is for the best.

I suppose you know what happened to the dark side by now. If you don't well.... Its gone. Wrath, Apathy and Depression were just getting too powerful, it didn't matter how much I hid them away they still got to Thomas... and I can't have them destroying Thomas's life. I need to do my job, even if it kills me. I really did enjoy your company! I hope you know that.

Often times the only thing that could get me out of the bed in the morning was being able to see your face. Or being able to debate with you. Or seeing you talk about space for hours! God Logan, I could go on for hours about how you made my horrid life better. You were my best friend.

These letters are going to be written over a period of time. I don't think I have it in me to say goodbye to the 5 people who made my life tolerable all at once. I'm going to be writing one letter a day. Till tomorrow Logan?

~Deceit Sanders

Logan let out a steady breath. He refused to cry over the first letter. He debated over reading all of the letters at once but.... Janus said tomorrow... He'll read letter #2 the following day.

The next morning was just as somber. Logan sat on his bed and gripped the second letter.

This one was the same size, but the envelope was a light baby blue. The seal black. Logan opened it with just as much care as before.

Hello Logan

Another day, another migraine? I get it... Not the time for jokes. I just finished writing Roman's second letter. I always felt so bad for everything involving Roman.

I manipulated him, I told him lies, I compared him to his brother. Kinda makes me deserve this I have a feeling he might try something. Snake instincts. Watch him for me, please? You five need to be a family, I've witnessed what happens to sides to end up hating eachother. Its not pretty. You don't want that Logan.

I guess that is what makes me have to do this. If we only acted like a family I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to do a lot of things if the darks weren't pricks.

The stupid thing is that I know you would try to talk me out of this plan. And you're right. God you're always right. Why do you have to be right all the time? I wish I was right all the time. But its ok. I'll be the side who hides the truth.

Blessings and a curses, right?

I'll write to you again tomorrow Logan

~ Janus Deceit Sanders

Logan gulped in another breath. He could read that crossed out section... Janus was right. They have to be there for eachother.

Why don't they go watch Janus' favourite movies? That sounds like a fun way to remember someone. Logan got the others.

-time skip-

It was just passed midnight. Everyone else was asleep on the couch as Coraline played on the TV. Logan stared at the third letter. It was technically the next day.... Logan grabbed the letter.

This letters envelope was a burnt tan colour. Yellow wax acted as the seal.

My dear, Logan

I never wanted to be hugged so much then I do right now. I have to barricade my door to prevent Wrath from getting inside, he's always been a loud side.

I remember when I was nothing but a child -Virgil is ten years older then me. Did you know that? I forget that sometimes- I always had blond hair. I know that you and the other lights also have lighter coloured hair. Well anyway. Wrath hates my hair, says that I don't belong. I can also only do that little silencing trick when I'm on your side of the mind. And I can only automatically heal when on the light side too. Huh. I never released how long that list was. Maybe I'm just defective... That has to be it... Right?

I always looked up to you. You could tell people how it was and not cower when things go wrong. You truly are amazing Logan. You need to show the others that. I know that the others love and care for you. You need to accept that love logan! Please. Don't fall into a similar pit of despair I fell into so long ago. I never escaped that pit. Don't fall in it too.

I know how you like to cope Logan. You seek familiar things that remind you of that person. Thats why I did something for you. Under your bed is my all time favourite book, Good Omens, My favourite snacks and an USB with my playlist on it. I hope you love them as much as I did Logan. I'll write to you tomorrow.

~Janus Sanders

Janus wasn't lying when he found the little care package. Logan wasn't crying. Absolutely not! Patton was cooking with onions. Logan never released how much he loved chocolate covered pretzels and jazz until that moment.

The next day Logan didn't even bother to get dressed. He just grabbed the next letter. A soft pastel yellow with a blue seal. Logan tore it open, eger to read what the yellow side wrote next.

Dear Bluebell,

Kinda weird calling you that. But I guess I won't be alive long enough to see your negative reaction. Bluebells were always my favourite flower. Would it be rude to keep calling you bluebell? Well, I guess it's a little too late for that.

It just came to my attention that by this time tomorrow I'm going to be...Gone. I made the poison that would get rid of them. My venom is one of the only things that can kill a side. Would be a bit ironic dying from my own venom huh? Well, I might as well tell you my plan.

Do you remember that party you and the others snuck into? The masquerade? We're having another party tomorrow. And it was always my job to serve the wine. We can't have the others being suspicious to why I didn't drink my wine. They will be dead in less then ten minutes. My venom is painful. But it'll kill them. I'll kill them 10x over, I'm not looking forward to five minutes in where the venom shuts down your lungs.

Anyway, I'm a side known for plans right? Not always the best plans but it counts. I still remember debating with you as Patton. Maybe... Maybe I could sneak over today? Pathetic last wish, but I would love to have a hug and a movie. I'm going to head over to your side soon.

Bluebell Logan when I'm gone. I need you to do something for me. Don't let them forget me...Please. That is all I want. I don't want my body to be left inside of that empty house. I don't want to die next to the people I hate the most. All I ever wanted was to see you smile. I'll see you later today.

~Bumblebee

Logan was crying. That day... Janus asked for a hug and a movie.

He only gave Janus a hug after the look of heart break was too much for him to bear. Logan didn't wait to grab the next letter.

My Beloved Bluebell

Today is the day, I never thought I would admit this but... I'm scared. Do you think that there is Heaven and Hell for sides? If there is I guess I'm going to hell. Suicide is a sin. Not like anything else I've done deserves heaven.

I don't have very long for this letter. 30 minutes. I have 30 minutes till my heart stops. God I'm terrified. This is the last letter I'm writing Logan. I finished writing Virgil's letters yesterday. All thats left is your letter. And holy fuck I'm scared.

I have to do this, I overheard Wrath making a plan to overthrow the mind. I can't let that happen. I would fail at my only job. It doesn't matter if I'm scared or not, I need to do my job. Thomas would suffer if I didn't.

20 minuites, I have ten minutes till the party. My hand is shaking. Can you tell from my writing? I hope you can still read this. If you can't the letter is pointless.

Logan, I know that this is never something you would reciprocate but...

I love you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to take you to the moon for a honeymoon and take you dancing among the stars. I wanted to be the tired husband that has to deal with your legionds of roommates. Logan I love you so god damn much I can't put it into words. I know you could never love me though. Its ok.

Take care of yourself for me please. Don't let your beautiful family fall apart. Don't let the despair of my death cause one of yours. Don't let one of the others blame themselves. This is no ones fault but mine.

I love you

~Janus Sanders

Logan dropped the letter and let out the most agonizing scream that could ever come out of his mouth. He cried. He cried and cried and cried. He cried until no more sound came out and his eyes burned.

He didn't notice when the other four came into the room and held him close.

All Logan did was trace the words on the page.

"I love you too, my bumblebee."

The sides could only feel the hole in their heart grow bigger.

~~~~~

I made myself sad again. I CAN'T EVEN CRY! MY PARENTS ARE IN THE ROOM! Curse my own brain ;-;

Here it is!

[hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis]

Caught In Between 19. One Down

Summary: Athena Dumont has finally found a place to call home after many years of foster homes and traveling. She had finally tamed her supernatural side and just wanted to live a normal teenage life. She quickly discovers that there is nothing normal about her hometown, Mystic Falls and gets sucked right back into the supernatural world.

Post Date: 09.22.20

Word count: 1.8k

Based off: 03x18 “The Murder of One”

Masterlist

CIB Masterlist

The next morning I head out to get breakfast with Elena at a small cafe,

“So hows everything with you?” Elena asks.

“I should be asking you that. But everything is ok. I’m--I’m handling myself. How’s uh everything with you?” I ask her as well.

“I’m ok as well. I just wish I could do something to help Bonnie cope with her mom leaving again,” Elena says as sadness fills her words.

“She’ll come around I’m sure,” I say putting my hand on top of hers.

“Well, at least I know one person I can check on. Damon’s at Alaric’s. I think I’m gonna bring them some coffee and food. Go check on Alaric, see how he’s doing,” Elena says.

“Good idea. I’ll probably head back to the Salvatore’s. This was good for me but I feel like I just need some time to myself,” I say getting up from my seat.

“Alright. I’ll talk to you later then,” Elena says getting up as well.

Barely a few hours pass before I receive a text from Stefan telling me to meet him and Damon in the woods. As much as I didn’t want to deal with whatever was going on, I thought I should go anyways. I quickly get ready and head into the forest to the location he told me where to go.

“Hey. What’s with the, uh, cryptic secret meeting text?” Matt asks as I meet up with him, Elena and Caroline. 

“I don’t know. Stefan just said to meet here,” Elena responds.

“Where’s Bonnie? Texted her, too,” Stefan asks as him and Damon make their way to us.

“Uh, Bonnie’s mom bailed on her. Again. So I think we should leave her out of this one,” Caroline responds.

“What are we doing here?” Matt asks.

“We found some more white oak. Long story. Wait for the movie,” Damon responds.

“Hang on. White oak? You have a weapon that can kill Klaus?” Elena asks.

“Nope. We all have a weapon,” Stefan says before tossing a duffle bag full of stakes on the ground.

“Klaus has always been one step ahead of us. But now we have the advantage. We’re all armed and they are all linked. Meaning we only need to kill one of them. We need to seize the best opportunity. Which means we need to prepare for every opportunity,” Stefan explains fiddling a stake in his hands.

“Scenario number one--You play Klaus,” Damon pulls Elena to face the rest of us.

“Rebekah is our target. So we’ll distract her and catch her off guard. To do that, we need to keep Klaus separate and occupied. Athena,” Stefan says turning to me.

“Why do I always have to be Klaus bait?” I ask.

“Because he’s obsessed with you. But for right now, we need you to play Rebekah,” Damon says shifting you in front of Elena. “We’ll use the quarterback to distract her. Just keep her talking,” Damon points to Matt.

“How?” Matt questions.

“Act interested. She’s lonely, desperate,” Damon says.

“Clearly. She slept with you,” Caroline says as we all chuckle.

“Beefcake holds bombshell, I come up from behind her, grab her arms like this…” Damon says pulling my arms harshly behind me. 

“Ow!” I say as he forcefully pulls them back.

“Which gives me time for one shot,” Stefan says fake staking me. “Got it? Good. So we all have one stake, we keep it hidden and we look out for any opportunity we have,” Stefan says.

“No last-minute attacks of pity for any of them,” Damon says.

“Don’t worry about me. Not after what happened to Bonnie’s mom,” Elena responds.

“Barbie?” Damon asks Caroline.

“Oh, I’m ready. Anything that will free Tyler of his sire bond to Klaus,” Caroline responds.

“Athena?” Damon asks me.

“Anything to free me too. Plus I wouldn’t be here if you thought that I’d give in,” I respond.

“Busboy?” Damon asks Matt.

“Do I have a choice?” Matt responds.

“Good point,” Damon says back.

“We have 12 stakes. 12 shots at killing one original. We can do this. All right, let’s try another scenario. Elena, grab a crossbow. Matt, you play Klaus,” Stefan says handing Elena an unloaded crossbow. We all spent a few more hours going over a couple of different scenarios until we felt like they were all flushed out.

Once we were finished I met Elena, Caroline, and Matt in the town square, “Mr. Saltzman was like the most normal guy in town,” Matt says as Elena makes her way to us.

“Is it weird that Bonnie’s not returning my calls?” Elena asks.

“Is it weird that Klaus’ brother is in the middle of town square?” Matt asks next. We all shift our attention to where Matt was looking.

“That’s Finn. I thought he left town,” Elena states. Caroline explains to us who Finn was talking to after listening in and Elena quickly makes a phone call walking off.

A few hours pass as I wait to be called upon to kill Finn. Once I got the text message I met Elena and Matt in the under portion of the Grill. You helped Elena load the crossbow and make sure she was ready to fire.

“You sure you got this?” I ask.

“Yeh, I wanna be the one to do it,” She responds.

“Alright, well I’ll be right next to you if anything goes south,” I respond twiddling a stake in my hands.

Soon enough we can hear the fighting outside and Elena quickly opens the door and shoots. It catches Finn off guard and I quickly make my way to him, slapping Stefan’s stake out of his hands and plunging mine into his chest. 

“No!” The woman, Sage,  yells as Elena and I quickly shut the door.

We all then make our way back to the Salvatore house to check on Alaric and Caroline, “How’s Alaric?” Elena asks as we all make it into the library.

“He’ll be ok. I gave him a bottle of Bonnie’s herbs, and he went home. Oh, did you guys kill Finn? Did it work?” Caroline quickly asks.

“Nothing worked until I see Klaus’ dead body myself,” Stefan responds. 

“Bonnie, where have you been?” Elena asks as she picks up her phone.

“Klaus has Damon,” I hear her say over the phone and watch as everyone’s faces fall flat.

“Kl-Klaus should be dead. They all should be dead. We just killed Finn,” Elena responds.

“No, Elena. He forced me to do a spell that unlinked all the siblings. He’s still alive,” Bonnie reveals.

“Ok, Bonnie. Where’s Damon?” Elena asks.

“At Klaus’ mansion. It’s bad, Elena. He threatened Jeremy. And my mom…” Bonnie says starting to break down.

“Are-are you ok?” Elena asks.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I have to go. I just-- I have to-- I have to go,” Bonnie says.

“No, Bonnie, just--” Elena starts but stops realizing that she hung up.

Stefan then quickly makes his way out of the library with Elena not too far behind. Caroline and I walk through the halls once the conversation between Stefan and Elena had seemed to die down and Stefan left the house.

“I miss well-adjusted Stefan,” Caroline says. But before anyone could say anything Stefan comes flying back into the house.

“Ding dong,”  Sage says walking into the house. Caroline and I try to go at her but we’re both quickly hit back by Sage. “I’m not here for you two. I’m here for him,” She says and looks toward Stefan.

Elena tries to run out of the house before shes stopped by another man, “I don’t think so.”

“I had to kill him, Sage,” Stefan says getting up.

“Oh. You remember me,” Sage then Kicks back Stefan, not allowing him to get up. “Good. Then you know I like to go all ten rounds,” She says before starting to gag.

“Sage?” The man asks while holding Elena. Sage tries to throw a punch at Stefan but he catches her fist and throws her down.

“Try, help me!” She says. He goes to try and help before he starts to gag himself.

“What is happening to me?” Sage asks. The next thing we know they’re both dead and desiccated.

“She just died,” Elena points out.

“So Sage and this Troy guy die within an hour of Finn. But why? Were they bitten by a hybrid, or…” Elena questions.

“Hybrid bites don’t look like that,” Caroline confirms. “Maybe Sage was so in love with Finn, she just died of sadness,” Caroline suggests.

“No, that doesn’t explain Trot,” I point out.

“It’s the blood. The bloodline. It has to be. Think about it. Finn turned Sage. Sage turned Troy. They’re all part of the same vampire bloodline that originated with Finn,” Stefan explains.

“Wait, so, when an original dies, every vampire turned in their bloodline dies along with them? Because that would mean...” Caroline asks.

“If the originals die, so do all of you. The entire vampire species would...just be dead,” Elena says. 

Stefan then goes off to get Damon back as Caroline goes and gets rid of Sage and Troy. Elena and I then pull out some books to hopefully figure out which original to kill next. 

“Vampire disposal...not my strong suit. Ugh, where’d Stefan go?” Caroline asks making her way back into the house.

“Trading the stakes for Damon,” Elena responds.

“All of them?” Caroline asks sitting down.

“No. Not all of them. We still have, uh, enough to kill three out of the four of them,” I respond.

“If we can figure out who to save,” Elena adds.

Caroline scoffs, “Oh. How are we supposed to do that?” Caroline asks.

“I have no idea,” Elena responds putting a book down. “You were turned with Damon’s blood and Damon and Stefan were turned by Katherine, and we know that Katherine was turned by a vampire named Rose,” Elean lays out.

“Well, who turned Rose?” I ask.

“We don’t know. But it can only lead back to one original, and if the odds are in our favor, hopefully, it won’t be Klaus. So we can still kill him,” Elena answers.

“Elena...even if Klaus didn’t creat our bloodline...we know for a fact that--” Caroline starts.

“He turned two of us,” I finish.

“Oh, my god. Tyler and you,” Elena says, setting her gaze on me. “If we kill Klaus then Tyler and you will die.”

“Well, I am over this for the night. But if it really comes down to it--” I start.

“Don’t say it,” Elena pleads.

“If it comes down to it, I am willing to die. So you can get him out of your lives,” I say.

“No. That’s not happening. We’ll-- we’ll figure something out, ok? You’re not sacrificing yourself,” Caroline says.

“Thank you, guys. But I don’t see any other option,” I respond and head up to my room.

A/N: Just another small but important filler. Hope you all enjoyed it! P.S. Skipping the next ep again. 

🏷: @tristanacarry​ | @commentaryfanfic​ | @april-14-blog​ |  @simonsbluee​ | @awkwardspontaneity​ | @keiko0​

[sharkonasock]

Alrighty everyone it's that time of the week for our prodigal son analysis. So first things first the beginning didn't sit right with Malcolm and Jess talking and Martin and the group therapist. Not 'it didn't sit right' like oh that was creepy but It DiDnT SiT RiGhT like wtf were they going for. There definitely wasn't enough Edrisa and the only time we really got her was that scene at the begginging with Malcolm right. But we had a WHOLE ASS episode for Edrisa character development last season and yet they're simply addressing her like she's the Malcolm fan club and nothing else. She's a damn good medical examiner and we barely got to see her interacting with the body at all. There was no forensics there was no anything other then 'oh this blood is in a pattern' like ??? And then with Malcolm examining the crime scene there was no profiling that was done to the extent of last season. He just put on a glove and grabbed the book. It was a very specific plot point that Malcolm used profiling and solving murders as a coping mechanism and his whole t h i n g was that he did it from the killers point of view. And yes ohh "now he's a killer" or whatever but don't you think that would have him coming further into the job and not away from it? The brightwell scene was fantastic, there's nothing to say about that. I like that we're seeing JT's character differently this season with the injustice going on in the PD because last season he was kinda just the annoyed (but hidden softie) one, if that makes sense. I'm not sure what's happening with Ainsley and Jessica but we'll get there when we get there ig.

The case felt kind of disjointed and even though they were trying to show how Malcolm is turning evil and deep down he thinks he's a demon, it didn't work well. It wasn't like showing us that he was struggling with this (for example 1x06, All Souls and Sadists, we saw how Malcolm overlooked Isaac because he saw a piece of himself in this kid) more like two specific characters told him he had a darkness in him and they knew he was a killer. Which ok? I guess that works but it doesn't f e e l right. The same thing with his dream with Sister Agnes and Ainsley because yes that made sense, but did it fit, I don't think so, no. As well as the fact that he rid of the murderer's psychosis by preforming the exorcism, which I think was meant to be like for himself in a way. But the problem with that theory is that the exorcism didn't work you know, Malcolm still had to whack the dude on the head with a candle stick.

Last things last, Martin felt lowkey ooc. I don't know if this was just a me thing but at the end when he was talking to Malcolm about the case. And Malcolm was all now that I know you're there I'll lock you up (which badass Mal loved it), Martin's reactions weren't very him? I think the entire episode was like that though I'm sure if this is being done purposely to show how he's starting to close in on himself now that he knows "Malcolm's fulfilled his potential" or what have you, or that he needs to fucking kill someone before he loses his shit *cough* electrocuting his roommate last ep *cough*. I kinda like the friar but his introduction felt stunted and kinda wrong. I liked how he helped with the case in the end but the whole the friars gonna get Martin out of prison is very foreseen. I think we can all guess where this is going. So yeah. Yep, just some thoughts byyyye.

[herglowinggirl]

can you see an ending to SOK where yun lives / yun redemption? i've been thinking a lot about the trend of abused kids never getting over their abuse and dying instead, and i feel like FCYee does a good job of writing yun and i don't want to say he's guilty of this trend, but sometimes i wonder if there could've been another ending. sorry if this ask is weird/uncomfy, you don't have to answer. have a nice day!

ok so...I am writing a meta about this (familiar anon i see you) but I feel like it’s worth answering here, too. this is less of a meta and more my personal thoughts so there’s no graphic descriptions of anything but I’ll put it under a cut because it got long, tw for canon typical violence/death.

short answer: yeah, there were workarounds but nothing that wouldn’t change the motifs, themes, plot points of the novels. I think the novels set out to make a different point on abuse than atla (think “it was wrong and it was cruel” as opposed to avatar “the obligation to be more than the sum of her grievances with the world” kyoshi) which isn’t a bad thing, necessarily. also, like, atla was a kids show and the kyoshi novels are ya and they very successfully make points on moral ambiguity and who gets to live and who gets to die. I agree and think f.c. yee handled it pretty well and yun was “meant” to die based on his backstory and evidence discussed below + the fact that he’s emulating the cycle of abuse by the end of the book. could it have been done differently? absolutely. was this story meant to? not really. you already said that it doesn’t feel like yun was killed off instead of writing about him dealing with the impacts of abuse, because the impacts were dealt with and explored just...he died at the end anyway, because of the places dealing with that stuff lead him. quoting a line from below the cut but yes, yun apologism on main. but I very much prefer to do it within canon, I think. 

but would I want to see a version where yun lived? a little, yeah, because I wanted, well, justice for him. I wanted him to reunite with rangi and kyoshi and meet team avatar and live out the rest of his life happy and free from jianzhu because I love yun’s characterization, but as a character he has a bigger part of the narrative than being someone I’m attached to. I think that also begs the question should he have been used in those narratives of abuse the way that he was if someone like me (whose relationships could be classified under “complicated” at the very least) could relate and love him, especially for a YA novel? also not sure. maybe it’s not that deep, especially because what’s already been written and published is all but set in stone (and I am not very interested in writing fix-it fanfiction, just building on canon). 

so those are my personal thoughts summed up (there’s extra rambling on why he was supposed to die + a plot workaround below). when all is said and done, this is a storyline I turn to in order to cope, but if there’s anything similar that perhaps ends with the survivor alive...any recs would be appreciated, from anyone! thank you for asking and making sure I’d feel ok ruminating on it <3 I hope you have a nice day too!

contextual evidence...zoryu going “some people will always change you back to who you were,” rangi asking kyoshi why she didn’t stop yun and kyoshi’s only answer being that seeing him had turned her back to her unsure state, yun trying to rid kyoshi of her fans and all her character growth during the final Boss Battle™...these things are a theme. you can’t strip the books of this touch of some are always meant to end, esp b/c that stuff was set up in trok (I always seem to come back to kyoshi asserting her only duty was to protect her loved ones in yokoya and then her duty becoming something much larger) so I feel like you couldn’t get rid of yun death without significant workarounds in the motifs and plot points in the novels.

that being said, I’m sure there are and were plot workarounds to killing yun. there’s an alternate universe out there where the novels ended with yun being a parallel to lao ge (I’ve talked about how they parallel each other before I think it’s very spicy; here and here), where he becomes jianzhu’s successor and just like lao ge kept kyoshi accountable on the other side of things, this time to the bureaucracy of the earth kingdom instead of lao ge’s agenda. this would also tie up when lao ge said something along the lines of “jianzhu does good work.” the novels are in no way perfect and the ending and pacing in the last third of the book do feel rushed to me (although the last kyoshi pov chapter ends sooo sentimental, enough for me to call f.c. yee a sap) but I feel they do establish the ways that kyoshi is going to cope with being a political figure, but I’ll have to elaborate on that somewhere else, so I digress.

the truth of it is this, and it is very harsh—yun was always supposed to be dead. we see it in how he and kyoshi have very similar backstories and the ways that jianzhu and kelsang are also pitted against each other their kids (well, kelsang’s kid, jianzhu’s pupil) end up dealing with the reasons why they were brought in. kelsang saved kyoshi from the goodness of his heart, he took her in and raised her like his own child (this makes me very emotional...) whereas yun was taken in because he was thought to be the avatar. then it turns out that kyoshi might be the avatar, but she is still kelsang’s daughter first, with kelsang honoring her wishes to keep it secret and letting her comfort him on the iceberg, and then when he believed kyoshi over jianzhu. establishing kyoshi’s humanity is really important in the novels so we can give kelsang a big thank you to him and then later to rangi to make sure kyoshi loves and treats herself well. 

what i’m getting at here is that if yun hadn’t been taken in for being the avatar, he would’ve been dead and it’s a form of uh...narrative checkov’s gun in a way? there’s only so long you can make something of yourself by beating tourists at pai sho. kyoshi and yun both had expiration dates and only by the grace of jianzhu and kelsang did they survive. yun reassures himself that life is a game and “he will survive a turn longer.” his story is always about doing the next thing to survive, to prove he’s worthy of the survival and salvation given to him by jianzhu. kyoshi’s story is not about deserving avatarhood, it’s about becoming the avatar. it’s a key difference in the way the narrative treats them. if he’s hadn’t been mistaken for the avatar, he would literally be nothing. he’d be dead. 

and there’s only so far you can go playing the person who deserved avatarhood if you’re not the avatar, and I think that mainly accounts for discrepancies in the idea of justice and how yun and kyoshi get to act on it because believe me, I would’ve loved to see yun tear the whole thing down. like, to see kyoshi have to kill yun for destroying the system (this is an oversimplification*) and then have her declared the “breakdown of negotiations?” like alright...sure, jan. let the boy kill a few people!! eat the rich!! murder isn’t even that bad anyway (/joking).

*yun is literally declared the residue of kuruk’s generation’s sins by hei-ran. this theme of legacy and cycles of abuse is emulated to him which brings me to acknowledge that yeah, it’s really shitty to see him killed when that theme lives in both him and kyoshi. it is a symbolic ending to the cycle of abuse when kyoshi “puts him away” (did she have to say that!!!) but that shit hurts, man. however the line “I’m sorry I said you would have to live with your pain. Because you won’t,” serves to acknowledge that by the end of the duology, yun himself has become an abuser. he’s shoving kyoshi into boxes, tries to kill rangi (to be fair rangi tried to kill him minutes/seconds earlier but he did try to kill her mom for allowing a man to try to kill him. it’s almost like...a cycle), he holds people hostage, terrorizes and murders several people in his pov chapters...at least lao ge was subtle about his work. 

so yes, yun apologism on main. but I very much prefer to do it within canon, I think. 

[magicalmarauder]

Little Green Monster

Pairing: Ethan Dolan x Reader

Warnings: None! 

Word Count: 2.7k+

Summary: Ethan and Y/N are dating, but you have been spending more time with his twin brother recently. Ethan can’t help but feel a little insecure and needs you to reassure him of your love for him. 

Groaning, Ethan rolled over, desperately trying to use his pillow to shield his eyes from the blazing and definitely unwelcome sunlight streaming through his bedroom window at such an early hour. Reaching blindly, he tried to make contact with your warm, comforting body to ease the pain of transitioning to wakefulness. However, his hand came up empty, adding yet another strike against this day before it had really even begun.

For a moment, he contemplated simply falling back asleep and starting this day completely over, hoping for a more enjoyable experience the next time around. Nevertheless, his curiosity as to your location spurred him out of bed and into the hallway at such an early hour in order to track you down.

It was a rare occurrence that Ethan woke up without your presence beside him. You and Ethan were very similar in your sleeping habits. You were both night owls who enjoyed staying up until all hours of the night, sometimes going on late-night adventures out into the city of LA and sometimes simply cuddling up together under the warm blankets, laughing at the most ridiculous videos on your phones. As a result, this usually meant that you would awake around the same time as well. Ethan loved his mornings with you, slowly coming into consciousness, blearily blinking away the sleepiness from his eyes and having your peaceful face with the crazy bedhead as his first sight in the morning. Having you in his arms always set his day off to a good start, which was why not seeing any sign of you this morning was throwing him off. Where could you possibly be?You had both stayed up incredibly late due to a last-minute movie marathon that you had decided to participate in. You should be just as exhausted as he was.

Stepping out of his bedroom, he heard faint giggling coming from the living room. Furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, he followed the sound and came upon you and his twin brother, sitting on the floor, surrounded by an array of pumpkins.

“What the hell?” He questioned, not quite sure what he was looking at.

“Morning, E!” Grayson greeted cheerfully, offering no explanation as to what was happening in their living room at nine in the morning.

Ethan glanced between his brother and his girlfriend, waiting for an explanation, but none came. You simply offered a sweet smile to him in greeting before going back to your previous activity.

“What are you two doing?” Ethan asked, still bewildered and not quite sure if he was fully awake yet.

“We’re setting up Halloween decorations,” Grayson explained matter-of-factly.

“But Grayson, we already have enough decorations!” Ethan groaned, throwing his hands up in the air and gesturing to the various pieces of Halloween decor that already decorated their living room.

“You can never have enough pumpkins, though,” you supplied cheerfully from your spot on the floor next to his brother.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “What are you going to do with them all?”

“Paint them,” you stated, waving a paintbrush that was resting in your fingers to illustrate your point.

“Well, why didn’t anyone tell me?” Ethan asked, attempting to cover the hurt in his voice.

“We didn’t want to wake you up,” Grayson interjected. “You’re so grumpy if you get woken up too early on our days off. Plus, you don’t even like Halloween that much. You don’t appreciate it like Y/N and I do.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Ethan muttered. “I’m gonna go get something for breakfast.”

Ethan shuffled over into the kitchen, trying his best not to pout too much. Although it was true that he wasn’t as fanatical about the holiday as his brother and girlfriend, he still would like to be included in their activities. He was glad that the two of you got along so well, but usually you invited him whenever you and Grayson were planning something. He couldn’t help but feel a little left out and insecure. Although Ethan trusted his brother with his life and knew that Grayson would never do anything to hurt him, he couldn’t help but wonder. Why didn’t they really want me with them this morning? Were you unhappy with your relationship with Ethan? Were you finding that you had more in common with Grayson?

Ethan hated thinking this way, knowing it was just insecurity getting the best of him. He trusted Grayson and he of course trusted you. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the negative thoughts.

Just as he was reaching into the fridge to begin preparing his breakfast, you stepped into the room.

“I just wanted to say good morning,” you stated sweetly, coming up to your boyfriend and wrapping your arms around him. “I didn’t get to greet you properly this morning,” you said before pressing your lips softly to his own.

Ethan sighed into the kiss, his worry washing away. He was being ridiculous. He didn’t have anything to worry about.

***

The day continued on pretty normally after the small pumpkin incident this morning. You and Grayson had finished your painting and Ethan had finished getting ready for the day by the time you and Grayson had cleaned up all your supplies and placed your pumpkin creations at various locations within the house.

Ethan had nearly forgotten all about this morning until later that evening when you set your book that you had been reading down and began getting ready to go out. Ethan paused his game of Fortnight and watched you change into a jean skirt and fluffy sweater before beginning to apply makeup to your face.

His face scrunched in confusion as he watched you meticulously apply a thin layer of eyeshadow to your lids. “Are you going out with the girls tonight?” Ethan questioned, thinking that he must have forgotten you telling him about your plans for the evening.

“No, Grayson and I decided to go to the pumpkin patch,” you replied, not looking away from the mirror as you concentrated on your reflection. “We ended up painting all the pumpkins we had, so we’re going to buy some more so we can make jack o’lanterns and then roast the pumpkin seeds!”

Ethan’s stomach dropped, all those negative feelings from this morning suddenly resurfacing.

“Just the two of you?” He questioned, cringing at how pathetic he sounded.

“Yeah,” you shrugged, giving yourself a final once-over before turning around, satisfied with your appearance. “I know you wanted to stay in today, so Grayson and I decided to just go by ourselves.”

Ethan offered a small smile your way, trying to cover up the jealousy that was raging inside him. He liked the fact that you and Grayson got along so well. That was the most important thing to him when he began dating you. He couldn’t have the girl he loved and his twin brother - his other half - at odds with one another. It had taken him so long to introduce the two of you for that very reason. However, when the time had finally come, he realized that he had had nothing to worry about. You and Grayson hit it off right at the bat and everything had gone smoothly. However, now Ethan was wondering if he should have perhaps been worried for a different reason.

“I’ll be back in a few hours, ok baby?” You questioned, pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek before grabbing your bag and stepping out of his room in a flurry.

“Ok,” Ethan replied dully after you had already wandered out to look for his brother. Groaning, he threw the gaming controller across the room, suddenly not in the mood anymore.

***

A few hours later, you and Grayson stepped back into the house, bags of pumpkins and other Halloween supplies stuffed in your arms, laughing at God knows what.

Ethan sat on the couch, resolutely staring forward at the television screen, determined to ignore the both of you.

“Hey, E!” Grayson greeted. “You’ll never believe what happened!” Grayson began. “We were at the pumpkin patch, and then this really . . . Are you okay?” Grayson trailed off, noting the sour expression on his brother’s face.

“Just peachy,” Ethan grumbled, still refusing to glance over at the two of you.

You and Grayson exchanged glances, neither knowing what to say at the moment.

“Ethan,” you murmured softly, taking a step in his direction. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Ethan stood up suddenly, taking a step away from you. “Don’t, just don’t Y/N,” he seethed, sending a glare in your direction, causing you to flinch back in surprise. “Don’t ‘baby’ me. I can see what’s going on here.”

“What? What are you talking about, E?” Grayson exclaimed, surprise evident in his voice as he began to understand what was causing his brother’s anger.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Ethan spit out, fists clenched.

“Ethan, you know we’d never - “Grayson began but was abruptly cut off.

“Save it,” Ethan snapped, before storming off in the direction of his room, leaving you and Grayson to look at one another helplessly.

“I can go talk to him,” Grayson sighed, placing down the bags that had previously been in his hands.

“No, let me,” you insisted, offering a small smile at your boyfriend’s brother before following after Ethan.

***

A moment later, you knocked on Ethan’s door, peeking your head in and finding him lying face-down on his bed.

“Ethan?” You murmured cautiously, coming over to sit next to him on his bed.

No response.

“Ethan, talk to me please,” you pleaded, hesitantly bringing a hand up to caress his back.

However, Ethan jerked away from you as if your touch had burned him, causing a spike of hurt to shoot through you.

“Ethan!” You cried, water beginning to fill your eyes. You hated it whenever Ethan was upset with you. The two of you rarely fought, so whenever there was tension between you, it made it extra hard to cope with. “Ethan, tell me what’s wrong,” you demanded, reaching out to him again.

Again, Ethan moved away from your touch. However, this time he moved into a sitting position, finally facing you. As you gazed at his face, you noticed tears forming in the corners of his eyes and a few stray drops making their way down his face. Your heart broke at the sight. No matter how annoyed you were with how he was treating you right now, you couldn’t stand to see him upset. That’s what happened when you loved someone. Their pain caused you pain.

“Is there anything going on between you and Grayson?” Ethan questioned, no longer beating around the bush.

“What?!” You exclaimed, eyes bugging out of your head in shock. This was not what you were expecting at all.

“You heard me,” he sniffled, the anger seeming to deflate out of him, replaced only by sadness and defeat.

“Ethan, baby,” you murmured. “Of course there’s nothing going on between me and your brother. Why would you even think that?” You questioned gently, moving a fraction of an inch closer to him. You longed to reach out and caress his face, reassuring him of your love, but you knew he needed space in this moment. Space to process how dense he was being.

He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, head turning away from you.

“Ethan,” you tried again, scooting closer to him again, reaching out and holding his chin,  forcing him to look in your eyes. You needed to get it through his head that you loved him and him alone.

He stared back at you, more tears escaping from the beautiful eyes that you loved so dearly. “It’s just –“ he started. “You and Grayson have been spending so much time together,” he finally let out, gaze dipping down. “And you don’t seem to want me around. I just – I thought – maybe…” He trailed off, hesitantly meeting your eyes again.

“Oh, Ethan,” you murmured, pulling him into your arms and stroking nape of his neck with the palm of your hand. It broke your heart to see him like this. You loved him so much and it killed you to think that he wasn’t confident enough in your love for him.

You pulled away after a few moments, bringing both of your hands up to his cheeks, forcing him to look at you. “Ethan, I love you so, so, so much,” you began earnestly, trying your best to convince him of the words leaving your mouth and to erase any doubt that existed in his mind. “You are the sweetest, funniest, most amazing man that I have ever met and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone but you,” you stated. “I’m sorry if Grayson and I made it seem like we didn’t want you around. That wasn’t our intention at all. We just got caught up in our mutual love for fall and didn’t think about how it would affect you.”

Ethan sniffled again, but his eyes remained steady on your own, taking in every word that you were saying.

“Grayson’s great and I have so much fun with him,” you admitted. “But he’s not you. I love you. I want you. I choose you,” you declared firmly. “Do you understand that?”

Ethan nodded, bringing his hands up and placing them over yours, which were still resting on his tear-stained cheeks. “I do,” he breathed out, inhaling shakily. “I just get insecure sometimes. Like maybe, you regret choosing me when you could have had Grayson. I try not to let it get to me,” he explained. “But I see the comments on our videos about how Grayson is the better twin or he’s in better shape or that he’s smarter or whatever, and sometimes it just gets to be too much.”

Your heart broke at his admission, having no idea he felt that way or that he was so affected by the comments that would appear in their videos.

“Oh, Ethan,” you murmured, bringing him gently back into your embrace, comforting him with your presence. “I’m so sorry you feel that way, and I’m sorry that I did anything to contribute to that feeling. But please, talk to me next time. Whenever you start to feel insecure, come to me right away. You can always talk to me. And trust me, I can think of a million things I love about you and reasons that make you so unique and so much better than Grayson.  I can be your personal ego-booster.” You grinned.

Ethan laughed, the sound like music to your ears as your normally happy, cheerful boyfriend began to resurface. “Oh yeah?” He grinned. “I just might take you up on that.”

You shook your head fondly at him. “We’ll have to be careful not to go overboard though,” you warned. “Don’t want you going and getting too big of a head now. It’s already large enough.”

“Hey!” Ethan exclaimed. “You take that back!” He threatened, lunging forward, tackling you to the bed and tickling you mercilessly.

“Ethan! Ethan! Stop!” You squealed out in between shrieks of laughter.

After a few more moments of torture, Ethan finally removed his hands from your belly. Instead, moving a hand to cup your cheek as he hovered over you, gazing lovingly down at you.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” he murmured. “Thank you for putting up with me and my weird mood swings.”

“I love you too, Ethan,” you smiled. “I’ll always be here for you and I’ll always choose you.”

Grinning, Ethan leaned forward and placed his lips on yours, bringing you in for a slow kiss.

“Well, I see you’ve both sorted everything out,” Grayson’s voice appeared from the doorway.

Without even breaking the kiss, Ethan reached over for a pillow and threw it at his brother, a silent warning to get the hell out and leave you both alone.

“Geez,” Grayson muttered in annoyance. “I get it, I get it. I’m going.”

You laughed against Ethan’s mouth, arms wrapping around the back of his neck as he deepened the kiss. Life was never dull with your sweet boyfriend, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

[katefiction]

Revolution, Part 1

by katefiction (Maria) / 2014

It was a boiling hot day, the day before. I remember because George’s cheeks were bright red all day long. I’d had to resort to stripping him down to a vest and his nappy to keep him cool. It didn’t help that he’d recently discovered how to run. Every fourth step, he would lose his balance and fall to the floor, but he was so happy using his legs, chasing Lupo around the apartment and screeching as he went.

‘George, come here!’ I shouted, grabbing his arm as he ran past me.

I wiped his face and back down with a cold flannel, and made him sip on some water.

‘Ok, go’ I said, releasing him into the wild again.

The air conditioning had broken down a month back, or been switched off. We didn’t know which, but suspected the latter. We had been strongly advised not to open any windows, it would be “inviting trouble”, they had told us.

We’d had to make do with a few portable fans, but that wasn’t enough to cool down our twenty-room home. We decided instead to use only the rooms we needed and it was beginning to feel like a cage. Of course, I would never say that out loud.

With George occupied by Lupo, I sat myself down on the couch with a glass of iced tea. I never thought I’d be this kind of person. A housewife with nothing better to do than sit at home all day and watch daytime TV. But there I was expertly flicking through the channels, deciding between a DIY makeover show and a chat show. The news channels weren’t an option for me, I was sick to the teeth of the constant discussion; the repetition; the poring over of every detail hour after hour.

It was only when George commanded my attention that I snapped out of my zombie like state.

‘Da!’ he shouted, throwing his blue rhinoceros stuffed toy at my feet.

‘Georgie, don’t throw poor Ronald, that’s not nice’ I grabbed the toy and cuddled it to my chest, prompting George to reach out his little chubby arms.

I handed Ronald back to him and he smiled for a second or two before throwing him down again. ‘Da!?’

Ronald was a gift from William, and had quickly become George’s favourite toy. So much so, that he sat in George’s cot every night, standing guard over him.

‘Da? Da! Da?!’

‘Baby, he’s not home yet’, I scooped him up off the floor for a kiss and a cuddle, but he quickly wriggled out of my grasp.

Much to my annoyance, George had said ‘Da’ before he’d said ‘Mu’, which were his names for us. William had revelled in the fact that it was his first word, taunting me about it with the perseverance of a woodpecker.

Forcing myself off the couch, I decided to start on dinner. When I opened the fridge however, it was all but empty. A few vegetables sat limply in the bottom drawer and milk for George was lined up on the shelves. I sighed and slammed it shut. In the kitchen cupboard were a few cans of soup that we could eat with some bread. It riled me to see our kitchen so barren.

William came home at five, just as I was deciding between tomato and leek and potato for the third time that week.

‘Hey’ he said, leaving the door ajar for a few seconds to let some air in. His face was so tired, with dark patches under his eyes as if a storm cloud were shadowing his face.  

‘Hey, how was it?’

He rubbed his worn face with his hand. ‘They won’t budge’

I sighed and turned away from him, ‘did you ask when our food would be delivered?’

‘I forgot’

For days I regretted how I acted next, wondering if it was that which pushed him over the edge.

‘William, I asked you to do one thing!’

‘I had more important things to think about’, he said, too tired to argue.

‘More important than feeding your son?’

‘Not tonight Kate, please…’

I slammed the can of soup down on the counter and tried to pull the ring pull back, but it wouldn’t move.

‘For God’s sake!’ I muttered under my breath.

William came over to me, his body hot from the searing heat, ‘leave it, we’ll order pizza’

‘We can’t live on takeaway’ I said unreasonably.

‘George’s got puree in the freezer; we can cope with pizza tonight. I’ll sort the groceries tomorrow, I promise’

I leant back into his chest and closed my eyes, ‘I’m sorry’

‘So am I’ he said, pushing his mouth into the top of my head.

‘So, what did they say?’ I asked finally.

‘The decision was final, all my engagements are cancelled, and I’m not to be seen in public until they say so’

‘Didn’t Jamie try and convince them?’

‘He was out-numbered; there was nothing he could do’

Over the last two months, our court had been slowly transformed with letters of resignation coming in every couple of weeks, until there was only Jamie left of our original staff. He was supposed to have all but left, but loyally, he’d stayed on. In place of our trusted advisers had come strangers who were now advising us that we shouldn’t even leave our home.

‘We need to get rid of them, we can do with just Jamie for now’ I said.

‘That would be admitting defeat; we can’t do without a court’

‘Do you trust them?’

‘I don’t know’. He pulled the pizza menu from the letter rack and sat down at the breakfast bar.

That was when I knew we were in trouble. William had always been so sure of the people around him. Like a sniper, he would seek out anyone he couldn’t trust and cast them out. But that night, he was worried and he couldn’t do a thing about it.

*

The history books will tell you that the Revolution began on May 6 2014, when the general election was called a year early. Britain had gone to the dogs with riots flaring up around the country over benefit cuts, energy prices and unemployment to name just a few.

Those of us that lived through it will tell you that it had started years earlier. The recession hit the country hard, and May 6 was the eruption of all those years of struggle. When the Green Party came into power that day, with its promise of a new prosperous Britain, it bought with it republican ideals.

The Republic had campaigned against the monarchy for years, but it wasn’t until that May that the British public stood up and took notice. The first months of 2014 were harsh and aggressive with rains and storms hitting our little island with no mercy. People were being forced out of their homes as the rain water crept in, ominously seeping under the doors and destroying everything it touched. Every penny was being whittled away by fuel and food, and the country had had enough of the government that had failed to protect them. By May, it was at breaking point, and the Republic seized their chance to use it against our family, so warm and dry in our fortified homes.

WE ARE PAYING FOR THE MONARCHY TO FEAST WHILE WE STARVE! They shouted, mounted on the lions of Trafalgar Square.

The protests intensified, with echoes of the 2011 summer riots rising once again. Outside all the palaces in London, masses stood, placards in hand, calling for the abolition of the institution that had served their country almost a thousand years. Little children who had once been so excited to meet us, now chanted along with their mothers and fathers. My little family of three hid behind our four walls, watching from the window as the police attempted to turn them away. But this wasn’t a violent protest; it was controlled, thought out and passive aggressive.

‘What do they think will happen?!’ I appealed to William. ‘We’ll just throw money out of the windows, chuck in some priceless paintings and jewels, and that will solve this country’s problems?!’

‘They want us to disappear’ he said gravely, stepping back from the window. ‘We represent sickening wealth, it doesn’t’ matter that we’re trying to help. Come away from the window before you’re seen’

We continued our engagements as best we could, our police protection bumped up just in case. But this only angered them more. The two princes, once so loved for their ‘normal’ personas and giving natures were now brandished all over the papers as spoilt and useless. No amount of PR could turn them back.

In June the Queen left for her summer holiday early under the cover of darkness. No one, not even William, knew if she was truly in Scotland.

That was when the Revolution hit us. With Her Majesty gone, our staff left one by one. Our engagements were cancelled and we were told to stay inside for our “own safety”.

It was the beginning of the end.

*

Unlike our groceries, the pizzas arrived promptly, Americana for me and Margarita for William. As I laid out the food on the table, I listened to him over the baby monitor putting George to bed.

‘Ok GB, it’s way past your bedtime’, he said, as George drank down his milk. ‘You are a greedy guts, aren’t you? Look how fast you’ve drunk your milk’

George babbled in reply.

William couldn’t wait for the day that he and George could have full blown conversations, and neither could I. I hoped it would stop William giving him a new name every week. There was ‘GB’ or ‘Team GB’, an acronym ‘Giant Baby’ in reference to our baby’s 8lb, 6oz weight at birth and ‘Grumplestiltskin’ was for when he was tired and grumpy.

Then there were the names he gave me. ‘Mum-a-tron’ was his current favourite.

‘Just like Daddy aren’t you, big appetite…now where’s Ronald?’

I heard him stand up, the creak of the rocking chair audible in our state of the art monitors.

‘Ah ha, there he is. Ronald’s going to look after you, isn’t he? He’ll protect you no matter what, I promise’

I heard him kiss George and put him into his cot. He didn’t leave the room right away, and I knew he was standing over the cot looking at his son as he so often did when he had something on his mind.

‘Dinner’s up’ I said when he returned to the kitchen.

We took it over to the couch and William immediately put on the news as he had done most nights for the last couple of months. I sighed inwardly.

‘Shall we put something else on tonight?’ I asked hopefully.

‘I just want to watch this for a bit’, he replied, ignoring me.

‘Will, please, can we just have one night without thinking about all this?’ I pointed to the TV, where a member of the Republic was arguing with the presenter about taxation.

‘This is my only source of information, they aren’t telling me anything’ he said scornfully.

I sat back into the sofa, defeated by William’s stubbornness. He was right, though, because an hour later, a breaking news bulletin flashed up on the screen.

PRINCE CHARLES AND THE DUCHESS OF CORNWALL LEAVE BRITAIN

I jolted up from my slumped state as the presenter read from the auto cue that had evidently just popped up in front of her.

‘Aides to the Prince of Wales have confirmed he has left Britain for an undisclosed period. They have declined to reveal his location but confirm that the Duchess of Cornwall is with him. It comes after the Queen left for her annual holiday two months early allegedly due to increasing pressure from the public and the campaign group Republic. Royal sources this evening have revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince George and Prince Harry remain in the UK’

The TV was the loudest sound in the room, but my ears were focussed on William’s breathing next to me. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and wordlessly called his father. I watched as his eyes darkened and his breathing intensified. After a few seconds, he ended the call.

‘What happened?’ I asked cautiously.

He didn’t answer me, and instead called Jamie.

‘Jamie, did you see the news? … I just tried, his phone has been disconnected … did you know? … Should we be worried? … OK, I will, bye’

‘What did he say?’

‘It’s the first he’s heard of it. He hasn’t heard from Papa’. His face was so full of worry, I just wanted to reach over and comfort him. But I knew when William was stressed, he needed time to himself.

‘What now?’

‘We stay inside until they tell us otherwise’

My phone buzzed on the sofa arm. It was my mum calling.

‘Tell her we’re ok, but nothing else’ William said, spotting the caller display, ‘we don’t know if our phones are being watched’

I reluctantly did as he said. I wanted more than anything to leave that place right then and go to stay with my parents. But something in William’s tone told me to leave my family in safety.

William, meanwhile paced around the apartment double checking every window and shutting all the curtains. He locked every door he could too.

 ‘Should we go to the panic room?’ I said anxiously when he returned.

The panic room was a high tech protected zone disguised as a normal room – in our case it was hidden behind our walk in wardrobe.

 Suddenly he softened, coming over to me and taking me in his arms, ‘don’t be silly, you’re perfectly safe’

‘Then why are you locking us in here?’

‘As a precaution. As long as I’m here, you’re protected. The only time you’ll need that room is if I’m not’

I knew he was trying to placate me, and I let him because I didn’t want him to know I was scared. Looking back, I know he was doing the same thing.

We went to bed that night anxious but comforted by each other’s presence. After touching base with Harry, I insisted we bring George into our room for the night and we placed his cot as close to the bed as possible.

‘I’m sure your father’s tried to get in touch’ I began.

‘Tomorrow…we’ll talk about it tomorrow’ he said quietly, consumed by his own thoughts.

Somehow, we managed to fall asleep. It was a sleep so deep that I didn’t hear a footstep or a whisper that night, let alone hear him leave.

*

I woke up to silence. It was 6am and my body clock told me that George would wake up and demand breakfast in half an hour. When I looked to my left and right, neither of my boys were there.

It wasn’t unusual for me to wake up and find William not there. He was a light sleeper, and often he would get up before George so he could be there as soon as he woke, allowing me half an hour extra in bed. Recently, he’d been waking up before the sunrise, unable to stay in bed a moment longer than necessary.

I told myself that they were probably in the living room in front of the TV, watching the news so I lay there for a peaceful fifteen minutes, letting my body get used to being awake.

Eventually, I got up and went straight to the living room, only to find it was empty. The kitchen merely had the empty pizza boxes and menu scattered on the counter. Lupo was asleep in his basket in the corner.

Confused and trying to push down a rising sense of panic, I headed to the bathroom, which was cold and lifeless.

George’s room, I thought resolutely, chastising myself for overreacting. I would sometimes find the two of them playing in there, toys scattered all over the carpet because George only had to point and William would get whatever he wanted down from the shelf. Never mind the twenty cuddly toys already on the floor.

The room was vacant.

It was then that my heart shot into my throat.

‘William?!’ I shouted to no reply. ‘George?!’

I rushed back into the bedroom, looking for a note, checking my phone, anything. William wouldn’t have taken George for a walk without telling me, not in the current situation and certainly not without Lupo.

I felt the bile start to rise to my throat, my body breaking out into a sweat with the panic. Stay calm, I willed myself, taking deep breaths and letting my heart slow down.

I closed my eyes, and organised my thoughts. I would go through every one of our twenty rooms methodically and then and only then would I allow myself to worry. Collecting the keys from the study, I went about unlocking every door that William had locked the night before, switching on the lights to make extra sure as William had drawn all the curtains.

When I finished without finding a thing, I went back to our bedroom and did what a panicked wife and mother would do. I tried ringing him.

His phone went off within seconds, still lying on his bedside table where he always left it. My face popped up on the screen as it rang, smiling brightly into the camera. I wanted to throw it against the wall.

What was I supposed to do next? Who was I supposed to call? My mind blurred with all the things I’d been told in my training for emergencies when I’d married William. He would know what to do, I thought, my frustration momentarily overtaking my fear. I had never felt as alone as I did in that moment, my child missing, and my husband not there to calm me down.  

We hadn’t planned what I’d do without him. ‘As long as I’m here, you’re protected’, he’d said the night before as if it was so simple.

Then, as if from nowhere, and in the most inappropriate of circumstances, a memory flashed through my mind. Every year we would join my family on holiday in the Caribbean. What I loved more than anything was standing in the crystal waters, the sun on my back, waiting for the warm waves to wash over my legs. No matter what was happening in my life – an imminent break up or a tough pregnancy – that moment was like hope rushing in.

Standing in my bedroom that day, sweat dripping down my face, the same sense of hope washed over my body, a force so strong it nearly pushed me backwards.

‘The only time you’ll need that room is if I’m not’

I hurled myself towards our walk in wardrobe. The door was closed and I knew immediately someone had been inside. We never closed that door.

Switching on the light, I hurried to the end of the long narrow room, which was lined top to bottom with shelves and rails of clothes, shoes and accessories. At the back end of the room, William’s suits hung immaculately in a row and I pushed them aside roughly to reveal a small, barely visible panel concealed within the wall.

There was a brass latch along the skirting board, and I struggled to remember where it was, fumbling my fingers along it until after what felt like an age, my finger landed on the piece of cold metal. Pulling it up, I heard the panel click and it jutted out, allowing me to slide it to one side.

Behind it hid a thick, heavy metal door. The last time I’d seen it was when we’d moved in. Security had shown us just how secure it was, the loud clunk of the four door latches filling the room. It did so again as I pushed down the handle, and breathed a sigh of relief as I found that it was unlocked. Pushing it open, I entered the room. The lights were cut out and the darkness engulfed me. My other senses strained to make up for the loss of my sight.

After a few seconds, I heard him, his tiny chest heaving in his slumber.

I stumbled around the tiny square room, running my hands clumsily along the wall until I found the light switch.

George was lying in the middle of the room. I hadn’t noticed when I rushed through the wardrobe, but the bottom draw from the large chest in the closet had been removed. It usually held my knitted jumpers, and now it held my baby.

I almost screamed with relief when I saw him lying there in his makeshift cot. Next to him was Ronald. I pulled him out as gently as I could but couldn’t help but squeeze him tightly.

‘Thank God, thank God’ I whispered, kneeling on the ground. ‘How did you get in here baby?’

George fussed in my arms, displeased to be woken up.

‘Where’s Daddy?’ I said trying to stay calm. ‘Where’s your silly daddy gone?’

Taking the room in, it revealed two phones, a radio transmitter, a box of emergency unperishable food, and a small portable toilet in the corner. But no William.

Taking George with me, I circled the apartment again, looking in every single room again for sign of him. I tried to convince myself that he’d just gone out for an emergency meeting or something, but the cold silence in our home told me different.

Returning to the panic room with a bottle of milk, some food and my phone, I decided we should stay in there until I decided what to do. After all, would it be overreacting to call the office, the protection officers even? He had only been gone a few hours at the most. I took Lupo with us too, who by that time, was just as awake as George, and I hoped that they would keep each other entertained while we waited for word from William.

George now fully alert and drinking his milk happily, climbed back into the drawer. If William were there, I knew he would’ve pushed George around in it, pretending it was a boat or a tank. I knelt beside him and noticed my hands trembling.

It was at that moment that I saw it, just as George joyfully threw Ronald from the drawer. Nestled between my knits; a note written haphazardly on a scrap piece of paper.

Don’t come looking. I’m sorry.

*

Jamie arrived within half an hour of my call; as if he was expecting it. With him were two of our new “advisers”. Steven, a tall lanky man in his early forties with sandy blonde hair and sharp features was calm and controlled. In comparison, the new press secretary, Alec, overweight and balding, had been loud and brash every time we’d had the misfortune to encounter him.

‘Ma’am’, they all said, Steven and Alec bowing their heads reluctantly.

‘What exactly happened Ma’am?’ Jamie said kindly, noticing my obvious distress to which the other two were oblivious.

I explained everything from start to finish, all the essential parts anyway. ‘There’s no reason that he would leave like this, something must’ve happened’ I said calmly as I could.

‘Let’s not go over the top here’ Alec said, his voice booming around the room, ‘there’s probably an explanation – have you tried calling him?’

‘Of course I have! He left his phone here’

‘With all due respect’ Steven said, chiming in, ‘it has only been a few hours, perhaps we should wait before jumping to conclusions’

‘I’m not jumping to anything; he would not leave us like this, not after yesterday’

‘And of course we’ll do our best to help’ Jamie said.

‘But we do have a lot on, you understand, we can’t go on a wild goose chase’ Alec looked pointedly at Jamie. ‘Tell me, where’s the little one?’

‘Asleep in the nursery’ I said cautiously. I didn’t like strangers getting too close to George, and as far as I was concerned, Steven and Alec were just that.

‘I believe the duke has been under a lot of pressure recently’ Steven said coldly, ‘perhaps his leaving has something to do with domestic matters?’

I grew hot with embarrassment and anger, ‘what are you insinuating?’

 ‘Did anything happen last night that might have encouraged him to leave?’

‘We had a tiny disagreement about not having any food in the house, but it was nothing’

‘Sometimes small arguments can cause people to re-evaluate things, especially with the big changes happening of late‘

‘My husband has not left me’ I said with a shaking confidence. ’Something has happened to him, besides he hasn’t taken a single thing with him’

Steven nodded patronisingly. ‘We’ll look into it’

‘Give it a few more days though’ Alec added.

I realised then that they were going to do nothing to help me find William. I looked to Jamie for back up.

‘I’ll be right behind you’ he said to the other two, who were making moves to leave.

‘We can wait’ Steven said, halting on the spot.

Jamie looked right at me, his eyes unwavering. It was as if he were trying to communicate something to me without words. ‘I’m sure he’s just fine, Ma’am’.

* 

The following days were filled with anxious waiting and little to no sleep. It had been seventy two hours since William had disappeared and I hadn’t heard a thing. I had tried countless times to convince Jamie that we should call the police. 

At first he told me that we had to wait twenty four hours before reporting a missing person. When those twenty four hours came and I rushed down to his office to make the call, he was apologetic, telling me we should wait a bit longer.

On the third day, I was back in his office yet again.

‘The problem is Ma’am, he left a note, so he’s not technically missing’ he said, wiping his brow, the heat still searing.

‘He’s been gone three days Jamie. You know as well as I do, something isn’t right’

‘I’m afraid the police won’t see it like that, they’ll agree that he left of his own accord’.

Stephen appeared from the adjoining office after hearing my voice. I had managed to avoid him and Alec for the past three days.

‘Is there anything I can help with?’ he said, his voice sending uncomfortable waves of nausea through me.

‘Nothing’ I said shortly.

I glanced in the direction of his office, finding something to focus on that wasn’t his sharp, sly face. He stepped to one side as if to block the doorway from my view. Our old staff kept their doors open for us, happy for us to know what they were doing and discussing.

‘Where’s the little’un today?’ he asked with an informality that was clearly against every bone in his body.

‘He’s being looked after’

‘By whom may I ask? I didn’t see your mother arrive’

Stephen and Alec had CCTV monitors installed in that office. Ever since the protests outside the palace, the security had been intensified. George’s nanny had been let go too, we couldn’t let her stay with us in potential danger no matter how much George loved her. I wondered whether Stephen and Alec’s concern was not really about who was coming in, but who was going out.

‘George is fine. Thank you’ I said.

‘If you insist. Ma’am’ He nodded curtly and slid back into his office.

I bolted up the stairs the minute I left the office. How could I be so stupid to leave George with someone outside the family?

‘Antonella!’ I yelled when I got into the apartment. ‘Antonella, where are you?’

The comforting smell of tomato and basil wafted from the kitchen, followed by the shuffling feet of our some-time cook and housekeeper. Jamie had finally convinced Steven and Alec to let her return after weeks of her not being allowed “for security reasons”.

‘Yes Ma’am’ she said, her tone one of constant worry nowadays.

‘Where’s George?’ I said irrationally and out of breath.

‘In his cot Ma’am, where you left him’

Clearly, Antonella was confused by my sudden change of attitude. Ten minutes previously, I’d asked her to watch George while he was napping so I could speak to Jamie.

I ran into the nursery to check on him, where he was splayed on his front like a starfish, gentle snores escaping his mouth.

‘You should probably go’, I said to Antonella when I returned to the kitchen.

‘But what about the din-‘

‘I said go!’ I shouted this time, my steady façade gone.

She didn’t hesitate, gathering up her things and scuttling out of the door.

It was only when the door clicked shut that I let myself crumple into a heap on the floor. I gathered my knees to my chest and sobbed into them, great wells of tears that had been bursting at the seams for three days. I had no idea where William was and no hope of finding him. I had been convincing myself that he wouldn’t leave us, but spanning my mind back, my bitchiness over the food and his stress that night made me doubt myself. Maybe he just wanted out.

I picked myself up and tuned off the stove, where Antonella’s pasta sauce was close to burning. I couldn’t bear to eat anything now.

*

That night, I sat on my bedroom window ledge, unable to sleep. Scrolling through William’s phone for the fiftieth time, I flicked through his picture album. Before George was born, I would tease him for only having six pictures stored in his phone, compared to my two hundred. But now, his was as full as mine, with shots of George from the day he was born to just last week when he was trying to climb on top of Lupo.

I looked out into the black night, wondering how he could have left all this. I thought about where he might go to escape.

Scotland, Windsor? Too close.

Kenya? That was his favourite place on earth, after all. But people knew him there now.

William had once told me, ‘I’d love to move somewhere where I could lose my identity, to be small fish in a big pond, a nobody’.

I had just laughed at him and told him he’d have a hard job finding such a place.  

I shook away the thought of him being far from me and focused back on the night he left.

Did he leave through the front entrance, the darkness of Kensington Gardens engulfing him so he wasn’t seen? Or perhaps through the back, scurrying into a car while we were all asleep?

As if knowing which exit he used would help me find him, I chided myself.

I stopped my thoughts in their tracks. There was a way I could know how he left, of course there was.

I wrapped George in a blanket, careful not to wake him and tip toed out of the apartment. It was almost midnight and all the staff had gone home, at least I hoped.

As I unlocked the office door, I silently thanked Jamie for giving me a key when William and I had married. Those days of transparency were long gone now, I knew that much. I headed straight to Steven and Alec’s annexed office, where this morning, Steven had been so unwilling to let me see inside. Mercifully, it was unlocked.

Suspended on the wall was a plasma screen split into twelve, each showing a different entrance of the palace. Now, there was no movement, but I knew if I looked for the tape from the night William left, I may just have something to see. Swopping George to my other arm, I pulled open the heavy drawer of the filing cabinet under the screen and found rows of cds all neatly labelled with dates. William disappeared on the 12th and my heart pace increased and I spotted the July section.

10th, 11th,   13th.

George whined in my arms as if sensing my distress.

‘Shhh baby, shh, Mummy’s here’

I knew there was no point looking for the missing cd, it was gone, most likely destroyed. It only confirmed my belief that I was swimming against the tide. Not only were these new advisers reluctant to help me, they were actively hiding information.

‘Yes it’s getting in the morning edition’ a voice said, coming from nowhere and startling me. ‘Ha! Runaway Prince, I like it’

It was Alec, and by the sound of it, he was out in the corridor.

I panicked, ducking down under Steven’s desk. George didn’t like the sudden movement and let out a cry.

‘Shhhh!’ I said holding his head close to my chest, my heart beating like a drum.

Alec continued. ‘What? Yeh I told them she’s frantic, prissy little bi-‘

George cried, louder this time.

I crouched lower, ‘please baby, be quiet for Mummy’ I whispered desperately.

I heard the outer office door creak and after a long pause, his breathing low and heavy, he finally spoke again.

‘Oh nothing…just a cat outside. Anyway, make sure you get the message to Redfern tomorrow, we don’t want him staging a comeback…’

Alec’s voice trailed off as he shut the door and left. I breathed a sigh of relief, planting kisses all over George’s face for keeping quiet when he really needed to.

*

Back in the apartment, I paced the lushly carpeted floor. Who was Redfern and what did he need to know? I’d never heard of that name, and desperately wanted to call Jamie to ask him. But I now realised the lengths Steven and Alec were prepared to go, and couldn’t risk using my phone.

My eyes were tired, deep bags forming under them, but I couldn’t sleep. Out of desperation and insomnia, I fired up the laptop and typed ‘Redfern’ into Google. The first couple of results were meaningless; a publishing house and a photographer with the name.

But the third caught my eye.

Redfern, Iowa

I clicked on the link.

Redfern is a town is Iowa, United States. The population in the 2010 census was 104.

I looked up from the screen, not daring to believe it, or to let myself hope.

‘I’d love to move somewhere where I could lose my identity, to be small fish in a big pond, a nobody’.

*

The sun had broken by the time I had worked out a way to contact Jamie without using my phone, which William warned me could have been bugged. A niggling feeling warned me to be careful. Maybe I couldn’t trust him either. But he was my only hope of finding William.

I hunted around in my underwear drawer and eventually found what I was looking for. Tucked into one of my socks was my old mobile phone, a Nokia to be exact. It was the very same that had been hacked all those years back. William would’ve been mortified if he knew I still had it, with all those messages still stored on there. But I couldn’t let it go, it was a potent memory of the days when our communication consisted of love yous and miss yous, unlike the last text I sent to him, which simply said Don’t forget to ask about the food.

I prayed that after all these years the old thing would be able to switch on, let alone make a call. By the time the phone had woken up, I had finished packing mine and George’s bags. I had started as soon as I’d decided that Redfern was the place I needed to go. Our bags consisted of a few clothes, as much cash as I could find, toys – Ronald of course – but mainly were filled with food and water.

It was only 5am, and feeling bad for Jamie, I delayed calling him for fifteen minutes by looking at some old text messages from William.

09/05/2006 : I can’t wait to see you baby  

How true that was now. I felt a tinge of fear that maybe I was wrong, maybe Redfern was something totally unrelated to where William had gone. I pushed the doubt aside, it was all I had left to cling on to.

*

The car pulled up quietly at eight am. Jamie had been furtive on the phone, worried about my state of mind. But I insisted and pleaded with him, and something told me he didn’t think my idea was as crazy as he made out.

‘Ok Georgie, time to go’ I said to him as he sat on the kitchen floor rolling a ball into Lupo and then shouting as if he expected him to roll it back.

Distracting myself from the fact that I was leaving my home seemed so easy when I had packing and last minute calls to make. It seemed ironic that the same phone that was infiltrated was now being used to avoid that very situation. I had explained to my family what was happening but declined to tell them where I was going. My mother was frantic.

‘Catherine, you can’t just disappear! How will we know you’re safe?!’

‘I’ll get in touch as soon as I can, I promise mummy’

It broke my heart to hear her so worried and upset, but I reasoned that if would be safer for them to not know where we were. I still didn’t know what I was up against. Harry hadn’t answered his phone but Jamie had promised to let him know where his brother was once we knew for sure.

Lupo sat solemnly on the kitchen floor as if he had heard me ask my mother to take him in. 

‘Ok boy, time to say goodbye’ I nuzzled my face into his fur but he didn’t respond. ‘Say bye bye to Lupo, George’

George waddled over and imitated me by patting him on the head. I forced back the lump in my throat. 

Carrying all three bags and George on my hip, I opened the door and looked around our home for one last time. Lupo trotted up to us and started scratching at my legs.

‘No boy, it’s just me and Georgie this time’ I pushed him down and said goodbye to him and to the life we once lived.

 *

After creeping through the servant’s corridors and out of a side door, George and I bundled into the car that was waiting for us. On the seat next to me was not Jamie as I expected, however.

‘Susannah, what are you doing here? Where’s Jamie?’ I asked, strapping George into his seat.

‘We thought it’d be safer if I came, I pretended I was going out for a morning jog and met the car on a side street’ she said.

Jamie’s wife sat next to me, a worried expression on her face.

‘You think you’re being watched?’ I asked.

‘Jamie thinks so, these ex-military types are suspicious of everyone though’, she let out a wry laugh.

‘I know the feeling’ I said, thinking of William and his intense dislike of Steven and Alec. That time he was right. 

As we set off, I tried to make conversation, ‘how did Jamie organise all this? I thought the whole palace was being watched’

‘Let’s just say there’s still some loyal people working for your family’ she smiled.

We made our way through the streets of London, I had no idea where the plane was that I’d be taking to Iowa or how Jamie managed to get it, but I didn’t ask. I was relieved enough to be away from Kensington. 

Driving around Green Park, Susannah handed me a newspaper she’d been clutching.

‘I don’t know if you’ve seen this Ma’am’

I unfolded the paper and read the headline. Exclusive! Runaway Prince! Prince William walks out on Kate.

I shut it with haste. So this was what Alec was talking about last night.

I said nothing and focused instead on our journey. The drive seemed to be taking us down the Mall and towards Buckingham Palace. As we got closer, a strange noise caught our attention. It was a mass cheering of some sort, but not the type I was used to when standing from that famous balcony. It was more like jeering. 

Getting closer to the palace, my eyes connected to the sound. 

Up on that balcony, which had been used for so many scenes of celebration was a large group of people waving their arms in victory.

Replacing the red and gold trimmed banner so often used on big occasions was something very different hanging from the the balustrade.

Blue, with a shocking pink cross struck through the middle. The Republic.

‘Good God, they’ve taken the palace’ Susannah gasped. 

From the windows of the palace, Republic flags were dotted around, flying proudly. 

On the ground, gone were the uniformed guards in their famous bearskin hats. People stood behind the golden gates cheering and shouting, and on the other side, members of the Republic pulled at the chains to let the masses in. News vans were just arriving to the scene.

We watched as the flag rose from the top of the building, where the royal standard used to fly, signifying their final victory.

‘We have to turn around, go a different route’ I heard Susannah say to the driver in panic ‘if they spot Their Royal Hignesses…’

‘Don’t call us that’ I said blankly.

Susannah looked at me but said nothing.

I kept my eves on the palace even as the driver turned the car around. Although I had only been royal for three years, the pain of watching the palace being seized throbbed through me. It was where we’d spent our first day and night as a married couple, where we’d danced all night on the wave of love and affection of the country. And now they celebrated, and no-one; no police, not even Her Majesty’s Armed Forces were there to stop them. 

‘It’s over, isn’t it?’ I whispered to no-one in particular.

George let out a long yawn, snapping me out of my daze. I turned to smile at him, he was looking out of the window, with not a care in the world. He was the spitting image of his father. It was then that I finally allowed to let myself think the unthinkable – what if we never found William, what if he was gone.

I held George’s hand, enclosing his chubby fingers in my palm as we escaped from the city.

It was just the two of us now, we were going to have to do this alone. 

‘Come on then’ I said, leaning in to him, ‘let’s go find your daddy’.

[alwaysanotherrainbow]

my boyfriend never texts first

Remus just wants to not be the first one to send a message every once in a while. That’s not too much to ask, right?

relationship: romantic remrom, background remy and emile (also romantic)

warnings: major character death, extended mourning (secondary warnings- brief discussion of religious holidays, brief underage drinking mention, a lot of all-caps) notes: unrelated, human, hs/college au. virgil, emile, and remy are here too. If you need anything in the secondary warnings (or one of those latter three characters) edited out, please let me know and I can put that up for you!

____________________________________________________

Remus always texted him first. Always. It didn’t matter the situation, didn’t matter the time date place name face. Who what when where why. It first started when he texted hi roman :) when they first got phones; for whatever reason, Roman just never texted first. Either he’d call or they’d talk in person.

No matter. Remus could cope.

May 1:

8:37 PM tody i saw you by my locker 8:39 PM *today 8:42 PM why didnt you say hi?

May 2:

9:30 PM a teacher talked to me today 9:30 PM wanted to talk about how i’m doing after 9:52 PM well you know. he’s a sick bastard

Really, it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? He just wanted to see him text first once in a while! May 7:

3:32 PM: by the way idk if you got this last time 3:36 PM: my class ring size is the medium 3:44 PM: hopefully you order it by the deadline :P 4:03 PM: no idea when the deadline is 4:20 PM: bLAZE IT 4:24 PM: sorry i have like 0 money so i got it from the consignment shop 4:31 PM: i hope you like synthetic rubies!! leaving them with ur dad 10:40 PM: update. i cried for four hours with your dad.

June 2:

7:30 AM: gRaDuAtIoN dAy!!! 7:32 AM: there’s cookies in the reception menu 7:35 AM: snickerdoodles your favorite [eyes] 10:02 AM: i’m getting some for u 10:05 AM: [kissy face] 7:40 PM: the announcement was Weird 7:43 PM: anyways i have the snickerdoodles (Remus couldn’t go over to where Roman was staying, so he left them in the living room. He knew Roman would appreciate them. Hopefully he’d come over (wait, probably not, given...))

Well, actually, he could understand why he never texted first. June 11:

12:14 PM: roMAN 12:16 PM: [Attachment: Remus_Picani-Kleitman_Acceptance_Letter.pdf] 12:18 PM: YEAHHHH 12:24 PM: I’m sure you got in too SEND ME YOURS WHEN YOU GET IT 12:32 PM: WE MIGHT SHARE A ROOM YEA 12:35 PM: [Attachment: celebration.jpg]

Everyone was probably saying that he ought to just move on, but to be honest, he couldn’t... Actually, to be honest, no-one had told him to move on to his face yet. In fact, everyone was surprised he was doing so well, given how bad the circumstances were! The situation was stressing him out so much, even his dads were gently advising him to rethink things. (Well, that was part of the territory with one of them being a therapist and the other being a barista.)

“I got y’all some kouign-amann from the cafe,” said Dad, putting it down on the counter. His shirt had SLEEP scrawled on it with a Sharpie; it was the one that Remus had made for him as a joke. He still wore it. Huh.

“Sweetie, what’s a queen amahn?” asked Papa.

“It’s a... er, it’s like a... this is kinda like a croissant that had dreams of a muffin tin and salted caramel. One for you, babe.... then one for Doodlebug-”

“Can I leave some for Roman?” asked Remus.

They exchanged a glance.

“Of course you can,” said Papa with a smile. “Your candle’s on the table. Also, I got the news about being accepted into university? Good job, kiddo. You know, that was your father’s alma mater.”

“Are you sure you want to go to school right away after...? No problem taking a gap year.”

Papa glared at Dad. “Be nice.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, it’s just...” Dad put down his coffee. “If you’re not ready, if you need more time-”

"I’m sure,” said Remus with a grin, trying to get rid of what he just remembered. “Trust me.”

“Please find a good way to put away the snickerdoodles, they’ve been there since last week!” shouted Papa.

June 12:

12:12 AM: its twelve twelve make a wish 12:15 AM: hey when does your phone bill go out? 12:20 AM: im just saying that would Explain some things 12:22 AM: i know your dad pays Everything like a year in advance 12:34 AM: tell him i say hi 12:34 AM: 12:34 MAKE A WISH

July 12:

3:30 PM: guess who’s a double major in bio and theatre!! 3:32 PM: marine biology babey 3:53 PM: it’s good for the SOUL 4:04 PM: this cute octopus reminded me of you by the way 4:10 PM: [Attachment: for_roman]

August 14:

6:24 PM: moving in is the Worst 6:32 PM: by the way i got a single 6:35 PM: no roommates 6:41 PM: still have the bunk tho 6:44 PM: also got ur favorite pillo

August 30:

2:12 AM: roman it is like two o’clock in the morning what the Heck are you doing here, 2:15 AM: if u see me wave Hi 2:32 AM: ok >:c 2:42 AM: dont mind Me just studyin on top of the planetarium 3:15 AM: tbh i didn’t even know we go to the same campus? haven’t seen you around or anything 3:17 AM: shit phones gonna di

September 28:

2:20 PM: i failed my test 2:22 PM: idk what to d 2:24 PM: *do

September 29: 7:30 PM: remember that octopus you gave me that eats negative emotions? 7:32 PM: it works!!

October 3:

1:10 PM:  You’d like the theatre program, really 1:15 PM: just so u know they’ve listed your name as an ‘honorary member of the class of’ 1:19 PM: that’s really nice of them. idk if your dad knows

October 23:

9:45 AM: i had to explain one of our inside jokes 8( 9:52 AM: i can’t Explain the deodorant thing that was One Time 9:55 AM: also why i’m called The Duke 9:56 AM: its bc you said it. not my fault 9:58 AM: its still cute pls call me that still 9:59 AM: pancake brunch pancake brunch pancake brunch October 31: 6:12 PM: sun’s down! joyous samhain 6:15 PM: i remember when you sewed me that octopus btw, the one that eats ucky feelings 6:19 PM: how long did it take you to get the laurel sachet into it?? 6:34 PM: also thank you thank you thank you for helping me find a friendly church to celebrate all saints day 6:47 PM: that year was a NIGHTMARE because you forgot to get your white candles and carnelian, and i forgot my holy water, so we were driving around town like Madmen 6:59 PM: it was worth it though 7:03 PM: i left you a script, i think you’ll like it.

November 9:

11:19 PM: i miss you so so much.

November 10:

12:20 AM: ignor this i drank like 12:24 AM: a lot 1:15 AM: i’m sorry i should’ve been with you 1:22 AM: i shouldve been there With You. 1:45 AM: but i wasn’t 2:20 AM: i didn’t know thered be a 4:11 PM: shit i just saw these. Sorry to bother you December 2:

10:10 AM: hey roman, been a bit. yea sorry about last time. too much of the Alcohol 10:13 AM: gonna go over to my parents’ house 1:00 PM: if you wanna come over, you can. dad’s making snickerdoodles and papa’s gonna watch atla (yes i still have that dvd you got me do not @ me it’s with your candles on your table just like everything else) 1:03 PM: that was on the dot, i’m happy.

December 21

8:34 AM: hey, it’s snowing 9:13 AM: couldn’t help leaving you some hot cocoa. and snickerdoodles of course 10:12 AM: i love you Remus went to go help his dads with making breakfast, but by the time everyone was done cleaning and they had finished watching some shitty Hallmark movie, he remembered that he had left his phone upstairs. Going upstairs and looking at it, he felt something in him break.

[2 Unread: Roman <3, bf’s dad]

10:22 AM, Roman <3: Why are you texting this number? 11:15 AM, bf’s dad: Remus, disregard that last, I’m so sorry. I just found his phone and I saw only the recent message first

The phone started ringing. Remus answered it as quickly as he could.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Sanders I didn’t know that someone was actually getting these messages I thought the line was out,” he said within a few seconds before the person on the other side sighed.

“No, it’s quite all right. And Virgil’s all right, by the way, if you prefer. I... I was just looking through his things for the first time. You know, it being a holiday and all... Memories, things like that.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I just turned the phone back on, I’m getting a lot of messages.”

“Oh.” Remus stared at the wall, trying to come to terms with everything. “Well, I--”

“I’m not going to stop paying for his phone. I’m sorry, I just... I still have his voicemails on it, and I can’t stand the thought of it going offline either.”

“Right, I... I listen to it too.”

“I happened upon the last one he sent to you.”

“You looked at the messages?”

“I only looked over when I stopped getting new ones, but I saw the last question he sent you. For your ring size.”

“Yeah? He asked my ring size so that he could--”

“There’s no easy way to say this, but.. I found something of his. Can you come over?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, but can you please tell me what it was? Please?”

“I really think I should tell you this in person.”

“Please, Mr. Sanders. Please, I... I can’t manage that.”

He sighed. “All right, Remus. I found an early acceptance letter to SJAU, and... and a ringbox.”

Remus felt his grasp on the phone grow weak. It fell onto the bed, Mr. Sanders’ voice still clear.

“I think he was going to ask for you to....”

“No, we... We were just out of high school, I-- that doesn’t make sense.”

“He always was one for those romantic gestures. There’s some poems here, too. A life-plan. I’m not sure exactly what malacology is, but--”

“Mollusks. Like octopi and squids.. Sorry for cutting you off, what was that?”

“Some of it’s in your handwriting, but one of the entries is ‘ask him’, for the day after... you know.”

God, he could hear his sad smile through the phone. He knew exactly how Mr. Sanders looked right now just talking to him, probably wearing that hoodie that was too big on him, in a dusty room full of things that used to belong to the most vibrant person that Remus had ever met.

But then Roman had died.

He was the most wonderful person, and he had just died.

“I’ll come over to deliver the ring to you. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s... that’s fine. Uh, call my dads first, though. They’re still not convinced I’m doing okay.”

“I understand. I’ll talk to you later, Remus.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders.”

The line went dead in his hands.

Remus held himself and wept.

December 28:

12:30 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: Mr. Sanders, would you like to come over for our New Year’s party? 12:34 PM, Remus Picani-Kleitman: It’s a tradition we had. You don’t have to if you’d rather not. 12:45 PM, Virgil Sanders: I’d love to go.

January 1:

12:00 AM: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 12:05 AM: [Attachment: :)] 12:07 AM: we are all smiling in this photo and for that i think we deserve a hug. 12:10 AM: this rings the most beuatifl thing i’ve ever fuckign seen. thank you,, 12:14 AM: never gonna get rid of it <3 12:16 AM: it looks Good on my finger 12:30 AM: jsyk your dad’s asking my dads for the kouign amann recipe 12:32 AM: thats a pastry, i left those for u a while back 12:39 AM: okay i’m crying a bit but honestly, i love u 12:44 AM: I love you so so so much, Roman

Somewhere out there, whether it was from some wonderful paradise or beyond the veil or even only in wishful thoughts, Remus knew that someone was saying I love you too.

[onlyhereforangst]

WWR

(fair warning; thought this would be a short one & then somehow got carried away 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Couple main things learned from the Kondo subplot- 1. Nick claims he doesn’t have a lot of stuff, a tiny not even shoebox fits the things that don’t “bring him joy.” Soooo the jar is definitely bigger than that box, so it brings him joy *happy tears* AND as we see later in the ep...so does Bishop’s OK State sweatshirt 😭😭 and then 2. Bishop feels the need to get rid of a looooot & Nick is almost proud? Not even that surprised? But we’ll get into this in a second 😉

We were ROBBED of the scene of Nick wearing Ellie’s sweatshirt because Jack clearly saw it and said “we are all wondering if it’s more” so multiple people (I’m betting including Ellie because she was not shocked about Nick wearing it) saw it- WHY DIDN’T WE. I will not get over the fact that Nick took it, put it on Mr. I Wear Cashmere Sweaters, and kept it because it smells like her. Bishop & her scent on her clothes brings him 🎶jooooy 🎶

Why is them looking at each other through the nutshell so damn cute?? Like they didn’t have to gaze at each other inquisitively while bending over- but they did. It’s not like either was really looking at the contents of the nutshell, more so just each other 😩

Now on to this new Ellie stuff. The past few episodes have certainly hinted at some development in terms of anger/rage and technical skills, which we got nice clarification of at the end with that text from Odette. Clearly the training is not a new thing- Odette had placed the ball in Ellie’s court (and so did Ziva when she left saying, “Odette will be ready when you are”) aka, Ellie reached out to her a while back and is now meeting regularly with her. My best guess is after the hit&run- when she told McGee she was going to the office and then later said she went home...definitely sounds like she went to Odette’s. Imagine feeling helpless after your best friend and boyfriend you keeping denying is in a coma—the logical brain of yours knows you can’t kill him, hell you already went through every possible scenario and imagined every detail, but you know you can’t. But now suddenly your walls have come crashing down that you thought safeguarded your heart from feeling things & that passionate rage is threatening to overrule your logical side, so what do you do? Channel your rage into training yourself to being an even better agent, an even better fighter, better equipped to “save” Nick next time. This side training has given us some hot/badass AF moments like that swift kick-trip move that had me straight up screeching at my TV. If oooooonly Nick had been there to see that move, we ALL know he’d have been a hot mess trying to keep it in his pants over in the corner 🥵😂. Our boy would’ve loved to see it and then been like- wait, hold up. I didn’t teach you that, so who the hell did?? I can see Nick finding out about this training going down very interestingly. One of two ways- him being proud that she’s working on her fighting/technical skills and becoming more badass & independent OR (the more likely because boy does not trust Odette & I don’t totally blame him- I truly think that stems from worry for Ellie’s safety when it comes to a mentorship blooming there) Nick is pissed because that’s how he shows his worry for her and tries to shut her out again. Only time will tell…

Also! We’ve gotten this Ellie that wants to throw everything away- out with the old, in with the new kind of deal. And I went on about this in an ask here, but I think it stands true even after rewatching. Ellie is done being *just* the logistics analyst. She associates her previous way of life with a few major things- getting cheated on & divorced, losing two people that were extremely close to her yet despite doing her best to exact revenge on those responsible, she still likely felt like she could’ve done more- could’ve saved them if she knew more, had better skills. So along with all her past, recent triggers like Ziva’s return & departure, Nick’s near-death experience, hearing Art & Annie’s heart-breaking story, I think have pushed Ellie not only to train, but to rid herself of a lot of her past. “Simplify her life” and “evolve” to in her own way start over. Erasing bad memories and fighting to make sure the future holds good, safe memories. As I said in the ask, controlling what she can control (training with Odette & getting rid of old things that signify an “old” Ellie) when the world around her has been changing rapidly is her best way of coping. This time, when she starts “new” Ellie, it will be on her terms- the way she wants it to be.

I’m extremely excited for where this is taking her character development and hopefully progress with Nick. Here’s to hoping they truly did know about the shortened season in enough advance that we get a semi-decent (read: ELLICK FREAKING KISS) for the new 17x20 finale.

Side note: Jimmy & McGee fighting over a freaking box and then Jimmy running away with it was pure gooooold.

I probably could’ve deep-dove into the last scenes with Gibbs & Ellie even more- and I’m happy to, but I’m rushing to finish this while the baby is still napping 🙃 so just send me an ask if you want me to expand on proud dad!Gibbs & evolving!Ellie 😉