#Oh yeah and Lucifer's line is a reference to that one vine

[mewmewchann]

I wonder how many unfollows I’ll get for this

Some art of some of my RWBY OCs for Pride! (I will do some with some of my DR OCs too)

...Oh yeah. Lucifer’s bi. Forgot to mention that.

What do you guys think? (my inbox is always open!)

[writing-for-me-at-this-point]

ii. Fun Facts About The Cast | Actor Au | Obey Me

Request: Its not, I love this AU tho

Word Count: 2303 words

Page Count: 6.5 pages

A.N. Hope you guys all like this! Fun facts about the cast lmao

[ Actor AU Masterlist ]

Fun Facts

Benjamin ( Lucifer )

- Is the dad of the cast.

- In any scenes with Dmitri ( Luke ), he makes sure to know if he is alright, and often will stop scenes to ask.

- He also is an overall joker, so he has trouble filming most of his scenes, will often start laughing in the middle of filming and can break character the easiest.

- Best with kids overall, probably due to having his own, keeps their lives private tho.

- His hair was white for a past show, but the directors liked the look, so that's why he has white tips.

- One of the few male characters who cannot do those diets to accentuate his abs- so that's why his character is always covered up.

- He's in shape! But, he likes the fat that protects his muscle, he says he needs to stay soft to hug his kids.

- Known diabetic, so there's a table full of foods so his sugars are stable, the cast has glucagon shots all over the sets to be safe.

- Is in his early thirties, but people say he can pull off early twenties- he just snorts at this.

Avery ( Mammon ) 

- Takes the job seriously, and his scenes are easiest to film.

- Dark humor and often is the "Lucifer" of the cast.

- Seeing him switch from Avery to Mammon leaves the rest of the cast and crew fucking s h o o k.

- Will always be seen looking his finest.

- No, no one has seen him in public in sweatpants or anything like that. His image is very serious.

- Is a sweetheart when with the rest of the cast tho.

- His eyes are actually that blue.

- No one is sure if his hair is actually white or not, the way he speaks about it is vague, and fans are always theorizing.

- Watching over Benji ( Lucifer ), and is usually the one to tell him to check his sugars, since the other is quite forgetful.

- Is an immigrant from Turkey, so he has an accent, makes people thirst for him more.

- Helps aspiring actors and directors get into the field, and goes on hard work and talent, not who tries to pay him off.

Jackson ( Leviathan )

- Is the resident fuckboi.

- Always with males and females hanging off him, at this point the pop gave up, no- they aren't his partner.

- Flexes a shit ton.

- Wearing chains, a Rolex, and anything designer.

- Donates half of his salary to ocean reserves and protection funds, he has the money for it, and the show pays him well.

- Always at the beach, or near lake houses and shit, the one ( 1 ) thing he likes about his character.

- Hates the fringe he wears with a passion.

- His hair is actually a light shade of brown, his eyes are a darker shade, but still pretty light.

- First generation, his parents are Korean, so you can pick up hints of their accent in his speech patterns. Gets heavy when he's sleepy. 

Ross ( Satan )

- Is a stoner.

- Goes on Instagram lives with either MC and gets high, talking about the dumbest shit or he's alone in his room and his cats join in.

- "So, if you think about- oH MY GOD PRINCESS. YES, COME TO DADDY."

- Has a kitten curled up on him, purrs loud as hell because mf is so warm, and the lives turn into purring ASMR sessions.

- Into self care, has a line of vitamins, face masks, and everything you can think of.

- Calls his fans his SaStans.

- Dmitri ( Luke ) is his younger brother.

- Will never let him out of his sight, and they love to be as mean as they can to each other, they love each other but love to bully one another.

- Is from the Bronx, so his accent is what Avery ( Mammon ) mimics for his character, often just records Avery's lines and sends them to him so he can practice.

- Owns an animal shelter he funds.

- "Carol Baskin? Who's that?"

- The REAL tiger king.

- Gets all his cats dyed to look like tigers.

Micheal ( Asmodeus )

- Chill as fuck.

- Has like 5+ kids, so the role fits him perfectly, and now it's an on running joke among fans that they are all his illegitimate children.

- You know why Asmodeus on the show wears so much makeup? 

- His eldest daughter is one of the makeup artists, and she loves to try new looks on him, and the producers think it would fit the character well.

- People speculate his age, looks young but is in his late 30's.

- His first child was born when he was 16, so he likes to support safe heavens and things like that for struggling youths- from being kicked out to needing assistance with mental health.

- Tired af.

- Always in sweatpants, him and Ross ( Satan ) are the trademark bums of the cast.

- Thinks it would be hilarious that when Micheal is revealed, in the show, that he plays the character.

- Is a writer as well, TSL is a real series and he writes it, so they let him use it in the show.

- Vlogs in his car, in a Wendy's parking lot, eating a shit ton of food and talking about the most random shit.

- Half asleep in all interviews, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, it's gotten to the point where everyone memes it too.

James ( Beelzebub )

- Himbo.

- One of the few cast members closest to their character.

- Absolute sweetheart.

- He's 20 years old.

- But how is he so fucking big???

- Comes from a big ass family, the middle child, he's baby 4 out of 9.

- All his siblings are redheads too.

- Very playful tho, with the cast always going along with his antics, making for the best bloopers.

- The contacts he wears make him blind af, which doesn't help since he's so tall, and will bump his head on the doorways and such.

- Can speak Scottish-Gaelic, and even has an accent to top it off.

- He is an absolute unit, and one of the characters who does the stupid diet to show off his form.

- Literally on the verge of passing out sometimes, so he needs to rest with Benjamin ( Lucifer ).

- All pictures, shirtless scenes, and such are filmed first so he can rest after and go back to a normal diet.

- Quiet guy, but loves talking about sports and his siblings tho.

- Is always carrying MC and Dmitri ( Luke ) around, now there are many off-guard photos posted to the casts shared twitter+instagram accounts

- Still pretty new to acting, but is amazing at emotional scenes, to the point fans actually think he's having a breakdown.

- Nah, he's just thinking about being alone, without his family- and it gets him bawling for said scenes.

Conner ( Belphegor )

- Crackhead 

- Will not stay still, either for filming or just when everyone is chilling.

- Scenes where he's asleep? He's usually turned away from the camera, cause the idiot is smiling and giggling.

- Has tripped over his tail multiple times.

- Comes from a farm-life, literal cowboy, his southern accent just hits hard.

- He hides it very well, but it comes out at times or with certain words.

- Sees Benjamin ( Lucifer ) as a mentor, he's in his early twenties and new to the scene, but they are best friends.

- Benjamin ( Lucifer ) has now acquired a new child.

- A living meme.

- You know how Tom Holland can't keep a secret?

- Yeah, he's worse.

- Rest of the cast have all had to physically stop him from talking at one point.

- The cow pillow? It's actually his, when he got the role his father has sewn it himself, so he will bring it with him.

- It's basically free promo for the show and comforts him in the city space.

- Gets overwhelmed in large crowds, so he usually makes sure to have another cast member close by, or he will literally leave to a less crowded place to take a breath.

- Apologized to MC after the scene in which he kills them.

- His mama raised him right, so he takes MC to his house for a movie, in which they cuddle and relax for the night.

- Felt really bad for like... a whole week.

- "Country boy I love you~"

Thomas ( Barbatos )

- Brat.

- This is one cocky man, he's smooth as hell, and one whisper can make you weak in the knees.

- Grew out the one side of his hair, but he slicks his hair back or will pin it back, dyes it himself when it's time to film.

- Loves to piss Alex ( Simeon ) off.

- Has a true crime podcast with Roman ( Diavolo ), Alex ( Simeon ), and Benjamin ( Lucifer ), because they're all old friends.

- Donates to the cold case foundation because he knows what it's like to lose someone and not know what happened to them.

- He has a twin who is his stunt double, they love to fuck with the rest of the cast, both of them are little shits.

- Is the motherfucker who makes a channel and reads the crackhead fanfics

- Loves every word of it tho.

- Responds to every fans dms. Every. One. As a whole account for this shit.

- Walks with a bit of a limp, so he wears a brace to help even himself, but during wide-shot scenes you can catch it sometimes.

- Took actual classes to be a butler for the role.

Roman ( Diavolo )

- Himbo 2.0

- Catch this man tweeting what he's trying to search up at 2 in the morning.

- Leaves them because it's hilarious, makes videos where he reads them out sometimes, it's all in good fun.

- He has a set of triplets at home, so that dad energy radiates into the show too.

- You know how Diavolo seems sus at points of the game? Yeah, he's still like that IRL.

- The rest of the cast was put off at first, but that's how he is, and everyone eased up pretty quickly.

- Makes jokes that he has family in the Italian mob, but needed to stop once his father called him, saying that there were too many eyes on the family now.

- Man was s h o o k.

- Has sensitive skin, so all his makeup and body paints need to be specially made, made with all natural products.

- The bags under his eyes are baby bags.

- Will bring his kids on set, to which everyone will gush over, and watch them when they aren't filming.

- Very private with his kids ( to the public ), doesn't post about them much, and only the cast really sees them.

- Wine dad.

- Catch him bringing the whole cast out for "family trips"

- People nicknamed him Caesar

- So many JoJo references now

- "SHHHHIIIIIZZZAAAAAAAA"

- "Please, no."

Dmitri ( Luke )

- Is actually 12.

- Quotes vines, tiktoks, and other memes.

- Is one of the few people that Alex ( Simeon ) is openly nice too.

- Also has an accent, but since he's young and is learning, can now mimic every other cast member's accent.

- Wear earplugs for certain scenes, because of how raunchy and dark the scenes can get, so Simeon and Barbatos are always conveniently in the way, hiding the plugs.

- Is Ross' ( Satan ) younger brother, and if he isn't hanging off of him he's with James ( Beelzebub ), Benjamin ( Lucifer ), or MC.

- They know there are some sick fucks in Hollywood so he has an adult with him at all times.

- Posts pictures of him cuddling up to his brother and the kittens, new foods he is trying, and some pictures with family.

- He often is considered the new Gordon Ramsay.

- Had a collaboration with him.

- It was amazing.

- Best boy, catch him taking a nap in his ( and Ross' ) trailer, surrounded by tiger kittens.

- The TIGER PRINCE.

Alex ( Simeon )

- Avatar of wrath who?

- The embodiment of "No talk me, I angy"

- Jkjk, though he does have a temper, he only loses it with Benjamin ( Lucifer ), Roman ( Diavolo ), and Thomas ( Barbatos ).

- A sweetheart with all children though, like you know Simeon on the show? 

- Yeah, he's only like that with kids.

- And respectable adults.

- Mama raised him well 2.0

- Grew up in NY

- Born in Gucci and Balenciaga.

- Was a child model and slowly expanded to acting.

- Dark humor galore.

- If Simeon met Alex, he'd probably have a stroke, cause THOSE WORDS are coming out of HIS mouth.

- Says the weirdest shit too.

- "Put your hand on my ass and call me a virgin."

- Bro are you okay???

- He is fluent in five languages and has a high IQ.

- Speaks: English, French, Italian, Arabic, and Mandarin

- Has a support system for children who struggle to learn conventionally, with trained tutors who are affordable, he knows what it's like to need certain needs met to learn, and he wants every kid to get that chance.

- Rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.

Derek ( Solomon )

- Loves to smoke with Ross ( Satan )

- He is more aloof than chill.

- One of the more awkward members, doesn't know how to socialize well, and is very shy.

- Watch out for Dmitri ( Luke ) on the down low.

- Didn't have the best life growing up, so he is a lot more street smart than book smart.

- Doesn't have a big social media influence.

- Very nice to fans, gives full hugs to them, and everyone feels so appreciated.

- Has a husky named Blue.

- Also has an owl, who he took in when he found it on his porch with a broken wing, and nursed it to health.

- He set it free, but she comes back often, and has a nest in the tree closest to his house.

- Named her Lovely.

- Animal person, so he helps Ross out with his animal shelters.

- Uses Blue as a living pillow, and only sleeps in his boxers when Blue is on his bed, because goddamn does that dog radiate heat.

- Him and MC live together, having grown up together, and made their livings together. 

[deliberatelyvague]

Vines (obey me x gn! reader)

Started: April 26, 2020 at 10:48pm

Ended: April 16, 2020 at 10:59pm

Word Count: 480

Pairing(s): [obey me x gn! reader], mainly [platonic! solomon x platonic! reader]

Trigger Warning(s): talk about drugs, but in reference to a vine.

Author’s Note: hey yeah I’m still alive, just vibing mainly you know how it is.

Request/Prompt: I literally have only one braincell that dings around in my head while some Mii music plays. Anyways another dumb idea of mine! Okay so. It's night. The reader can't sleep. So they send a text in the chat(with literally everyone in it) and they just send vines (with names of those persons over it) and they're all like "????" And Solomon is like "heck yeah *also sends vines*" Also all of those idiots only share one braincell and no one uses it. Thanks for reading this bs

————

You groaned as you flipped over again. You had been laying in bed trying to sleep for a good 45 minutes now. Whoever said that whole ‘if you lay in one spot for 7-15 minutes, you’ll fall asleep’ line is lying, they must be.

Eventually you’ve had enough, you push yourself up and wrap the blanket around you as you grab your DDD. You were feeling very hyper, but not hyper enough to get out of your bed. Beside that, if Lucifer caught you out of bed he would probably get angry with you.

You decided to add everyone to a group chat, and that meant everyone. The brothers, Solomon, angels, Diavolo and Barbatos. They would all fall prey to your schemes. If you didn’t get to sleep, neither would they.

You giggle to yourself as you find a vine you want to add. It’s the one of a boy sliding down a banister proclaiming ‘you’re all going to hell’. You add Luke’s name onto the boy sliding down and then send it.

You didn’t really know what to expect, you knew that a majority of the beings in the chat were asleep.

Surprisingly, there was a reply after about a minute, another vine of a girl saying ‘welcome to bible study we’re all children of Jesus’, with the word ‘Simeon’ on her, then a lady snorting what you only assume is cocaine in the background while the same lady sing ‘kumbaya’. The lady snorting cocaine had the word ‘asmo’ on top.

You laugh and see that it was Solomon who had sent the vine. You sent another one and he sent one back again. You two did that for another hour before Lucifer barges into your room.

“Lucifer!” You yelp as he comes over and retrieves your DDD. “What?”

“You need to sleep, I’m taking this until morning.”

“Oh, c’mon Luci- but Solomon and I were just having fun!”

“Yes, I know. Everyone knows. I asked Simeon to take Solomon’s phone too. You two can finish the little game you’re playing in the morning, but in the chat between only you two.”

You tried to fight back.

“No, that’s enough. It’s final. Goodnight, [Y/N].”

[kurtty-drabbles]

Pirate au Redone (part 3)

N/A: Ideas will be used here. I think. Kitty will pirate? Yes, and Maddy will show up as well. Going to be honest. I don´t think we need to see the talk between Emma and Kitty and I want to write this idea before it pops out of my mind.

@dannybagpipesarecalling @djinmer4 @bamfoftheundead @everykurt @muninandhugin

After a long discussion both Jean and Scott menage to council their differences and as Jean proclaims to a more relaxed Scott, they´ll try anew and this time no more Pheonix or Avengers or anything to come between them. And, Scott, still has his reservations about Krakoa - and Scott is one of the few people that seem to notice Kurt´s demeanor over a couple of days and is one of the few who confide with him about Krakoa- can at least, if nothing else, give the benefit of the doubt to the island.

Where are you, Rachel?

This thought lingers in his mind and took some time out of Scott´s initial agenda-not that he cares too much about it, but, he doesn´t like to be idle and Rachel is a grown-up woman and may want some time alone to figure out things...considering her sexuality and who she dated, Scott can safely say Rachel wants an alone time now- and once the man is fed up in pretending to do whatever chores he was supposed to do. Scott Summers leave his room.

Krakoa is a beauty as if your definition of beauty comes with vines, exotic plants-so exotic that Scott can sweat they don´t exist- and an oppressive tone of green. Paradise is another form of prison? Lucifer certainly thought so.

His thoughts on religion are skeevy at best - again, Scott does not care, and if Kurt Wagner shares some of this belief with him. Why he would feel ashamed?- and his thoughts on religion take an ironic twist when Scott halt and looks at the person in front of him and his teeth grith so tight he could swear he´ll break his teeth or jaws.

"Why are you doing here?" Scott asked directly to Mr.Sinister who is smiling all too pleasant. The man still has the same fashion sense and still have this smirk on his face.

"Ah, Scott...you thought you wouldn´t see me again? I was the closest thing of a father in your life...and when I heard you and Miss Jean Grey are trying again...It fuels my heart with joy...do you remember?" he asked with that creepy smile of his, showing more teeth than a human should, then again, is Mr.Sinister human? "do you remember those fun times in the orphanage? You cried but didn´t beg...and you even won in the end...it only proofs that I was right all the time" and Scott´s breath accelerate and he didn´t think twice before taking his visor and blast Mr.Sinister away.

However, the vines creepily climb on the floor and wrapped tightly around his legs and yank on the floor and the impact somehow makes the lasers stop-Scott closes his eyes and it took a minute for him to reconize the sensation and not enter in dispair believing his sight is gone- and his body is unable of moving.

"Scott Summers, you broke the law" the voice that belongs to Prof X answers, yet, Scott notices something off on his voice. "The punishment must be severe...especially as you´re one of my favorites" and Scott almost laughs at this.

Then I don´t want to know what you would do if I wasn´t the favorite.

If Prof X is ready to throw Scott in the dungeons or do something else, well, all Scott can do is gulp and not cry. But, someone intervenes. No, more than someone as he can still hear their voices.

"Prof...this is unfair...why you would punish Scott for wanting to be away from this creepy?" Jean shouts angrily and Scott can see, mentally of course, how her face must be twisted in anger-there´s a difference in an angry Jean and an angry Pheonix and Scott knows this very well- and Jean continues while Storm is helping Scott to stand on his feet.

"Can you open your eyes, Scott?" Storm asked in concern and Scott shakes his head. Nothing else needs to be said. Storm puts his visor back and asks again as Scott opens his eyes slowly.

Jean is not done. "How can you ask for a nazi scientist to be here? I thought this island was supposed to be a paradise for us...not for nazis scum" Jean shouts vexing and for a moment everyone gathers around thinking she would go Pheonix...

She gave up the Pheonix ...there´s no trace of the bird on her.

Prof X smiles and is not soothing in the slightest. "I believe everyone deserves a chance and it wasn´t thanks to Mr.Sinister´s machinations that Cable, your once beloved son or so you once claimed, came to be?" Prof X only walks ignoring Jean Grey as he concludes his thoughts in one final line. "Plus, you would are the one to give everyone a chance...everyone but your own daughter" and then Jean falls from the sky screaming in agony.

Scott goes to her and tries to use his power on Prof X to make him stop- Scott recalls that he did murder Prof X thanks to the Power of Pheonix and hopes he can kill the man again-yet, his power doesn´t work on the man who only shakes his head at this.

Storm tried to use her powers as well-summon a powerful lightning bolt to burn the man in one attack- yet, her powers are useless against Prof X, and Storm is knockdown.

"What a pity...but you two always disappointed me"

And the fates of Scott Summers and Jean Grey are sealed. There´s no more Mr.Sinister as Prof X leaves.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Logan is on the beach and is smoking one of his best cigars and is more than happy to see Jean Grey, and to his increased libido and satisfaction she´s wearing a bikini and no Scott Summers- and Logan knows this is meant to be. Knows this is all about making more babies and Logan promises to buy the best beer he can think to thank Kurt for such law- and the man is as seductive as his entire being can. "Jeanie. Fancy a swin?"

Jean shakes her head and holds him. Oh, Logan knew this would happen and smirks thinking he finally beat Slim. Finally, and even mention this out loud. "You finally going to be with a real man" and goes for a kiss.

The kiss is as passionate as his imagination provides, yet, she steps away and speaks in a soothing tone. "Oh, Logan...I never liked you but I thought you were smart than that" and her eyes are burning just like her hair. "You´ll know what is death and the most painfully one..." and Jean is no longer Jean...and Logan is no more.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

A cargo ship is traveling in the pacific ocean and the captain is giving the orders to make sure their precious containment is in order- mutants kids from non-develop countries and many labs and governments would pay anything to put their hands on those kids- and the captain is even dreaming with the huge sums of money he´ll gain thanks to those kids. And damn, he can even view himself in a large mansion.

"Captain...there´s a strange ship...yatch coming to our way" one of his first mates points to the said yacht and the captain rolls his eyes and order to fire at them-he has better things to worry than worry about stupid people- however when one of the crews of the yacht shots a fireball large enough to damage the ship and the other froze the ship preventing it from leaving...it proves how it in deep waters the captain is now.

A woman flies to the deck. The woman has a red vest and one sword. The men didn´t take long to shoot at her, yet, it was futile. "AHH GHOST!" one of them said and the woman smirks evilly.

"Yep, I´m a ghost and I´m a very pissed ghost" and she runs through them using her sword as if it was another limb attached to her body. The rest of the crew surrender and the children were rescued.

"Emma?" Kitty calls not wanting the damn woman in her mind. "The kids are safe...not alright after what they witness, but, alive...we´re taking them to a secure place"

"I trust in your judgment, Kate!"

"Stop calling me like that, Frost"

One of the kids looks at the woman wearing red and asks one of the mutants who is she. And Bobby follows their sight and smiles. "Well, that´s Captain Pryde" and the kids look in awe at the Captain who notices their smiles and makes a One Piece reference.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Betsy Braddock is not easily frightened and maybe this can make people have the wrong view about her. And maybe, Betsy used to like those wrong ideas people had over her- the fearsome woman who laughs in Death´s face- and Elisabeth´s smile can´t reach her eyes anymore nor be anything but an obvious fake. No pleasantries are enough to dissolve the situation between herself and... "Kwannon" Betsy exclaims noticing how their outfits have different color paletas.

Kwannon. The Japanese Psylocke as some used to call-Oh, Betsy knows what people used to call Kwannon´s body and know what they used to call Betsy´s mind as well- and the Japanese woman is putting one foot in front of the other...the motion would be almost funny, if it wasn´t painfully clear she´s not used to her own body.

"Betsy..." her tone is dry as her eyes are fixated on Betsy. "I want to talk with you, but...thinking back and seeing you now. I need you to shut up and listen..." she exhales and continues. "I don´t blame you for what happened to me..." she closes her eyes and touches her hand. "I´d blame you for how you treat my name and my own body. You wear little and suddenly your blade talks and demands blood...I´m not like that and I don´t like that now you´re a white woman...abruptly your blade doesn´t scream blood anymore and you don´t longer dress like a slut..." she completes having a neutral expression on her face.

Betsy can´t ignore her actions. "I thought in assume another identity for myself" is a good explanation for Betsy not for Kwannon.

"White woman. Do you know anything about me? I´m a ninja not because it was cool or sexy, but, because I had no option. I have no last name...I´m a Burakumin, yeah judge by your look you had no idea what this means" her tone is derisive as she continues. "I was an outcast in my own country. The Yakuza one day, saw my abilities and offer me a job...and that job became my life"

"I didn´t know..." Betsy speaks with a heavy tone. "I was..."

"Having fun in wearing my body as a sex toy? Yeah...I know" and Kwannon uses her kinetic blade- Kwannon is not sure if she wants to fight Betsy or to simply see if she still has her powers- and if a brawl was to happen, well, it won´t be now as Emma Frost shows up along with Kitty Pryde.

"Ladies...this is not time to catfight...we better things to do" Emma Frost replied in a regal way as always and Kitty rolls her eyes at such display but speaks again.

"I think we all agree Krakoa is bad"

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Scott and Jean are back to their cabin in the woods-money is not exactly an issue for Jean Grey as she died and resurrected so many times to the point the agency thinks she´s a meme now- and Jean is laid down on the canape still feeling pain. "I´m fine...no, I´m not...but I´ll be...Scott, when Prof X´s power increase like that?"

Scott has no answers. And someone knocks the door and Scott goes to answer and sees Madeline Pryor smiling at him. "Are you real or an illusion?" Scott asks and Madeline nods sagely and slaps his face with a grin.

"Still doubt am I not real?"

"No, is you!"

"I´m not here to fight...I´m here to talk and as much I hate to say this...I need the help of Jean Grey"

[halfpricelint]

Satan’s Little Helper, Part II

Summonings, like much of Satan’s duties, had became mundane over the millennia. At first, he had put great effort into his performances. The finest writers in his domain composed oratory for each occasion. These speeches were then intentionally flubbed by Satan on the fly to punish the writers. So it goes in Hell.

These commissions became inconvenient to arrange as occult fell into the hands of drunk sorority sisters and preteen summer camps. Sometimes he would try to spook his audience for fun. Other times he would try to entertain himself with some improvised dramatic monologue. For the past couple centuries, he had settled on the deadpan approach. 

What do you want? He’d say nonchalantly while ascending out of a pentagram. This was typically met with screams and frantic prayers spoken during hurried exits. Most of the time, nobody was left, and Satan felt free to leave.

Occasionally, some would stay to chat. They may voice their surprise that he really did come. Well yeah, it’s my job. Now what do you want?

He offered each person a wish. Most all of them dreadfully boring: sex, money, power, status, and the like. Strangely, many of them lately seemed to involve a fiddling competition with ill-defined rules and odd references to Georgia. Instrumental or not, Satan negotiated a deal of that wish in exchange for the person’s soul. 

Not many took the deal, and those who did never bothered to read the contract. If they had, they might have noticed the absence of liability for Satan following through on his promise. He viewed promises more under the purview of his colleagues in the clouds. Also, Hell contains many of the finest lawyers from all of history. 

Satan thought through what he could say when he emerged this time. It had been a while since the last summoning, so he felt rusty. He decided to stick to his classic line as the world on the other side of the portal materialized. He closed his eyes for dramatic effect until his feet finally touched new ground.

“What do you want?” He mumbled.

He opened his eyes and saw nobody in front of him. He rotated to inspect a small, mostly empty bedroom. A cloudy dusk light filtered through the windows without blinds or curtains. Cracks in the wall spread out like spider webs. There was a small mattress on the floor with a purple backpack and a stack of books beside it. 

Dammit, Hans. Must have gotten here too late. Waste of my time.

A toilet flushed from the other side of one wall. Satan whipped around to face the sound’s source. He wasn’t accustomed to being on this side of a jump scare. A gurgle came from a facet on the other side, followed by the jostling of a loose doorknob being turned. The splintered wood floors groaned under footsteps coming towards the room where Satan stood. 

He briefly panicked. Okay, second chance at a first impression here. Let’s make it count. Settling on nonchalance again, he placed one hand on his hip and held the other in front of him, looking down at his nails. He let his tail droop behind him and projected his best impression of teenage apathy. His heartbeat picked up as he heard the knob of the door in front him rattle. The door swept open.

“So,” Satan began in his most gravelly voice, “What do you want?”

He waited for a scream or gasp. Instead, he was met with a high and lilting voice of curiosity.

“I thought you’d be taller.”

Satan stood up straight with indignation. He set his eyes on the person who had mocked him, a tween girl that came up to his elbows. His eyes narrowed. He strode toward her with a scowl and eyes filled with fire.

“You dare to taunt me, child?” He growled. “I am The Devil, Destroyer of Worlds. God of the underworld and tormentor of souls.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” The girl walked past him toward her bed. “I just thought you’d be taller. Lucifer, I presume? May I call you Lu?”

The Devil roared, taken aback by her temerity. The walls shook from his furious cry. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

“You have no idea what powers you mock, child.” He whispered.

“My name’s Megan, actually.”

Megan sat crisscross on her mattress. She placed her hands in her lap and looked up at Satan. He turned to face her, perplexed. Well this is new.

“Okay,” He restarted, “You have no idea what powers you mock, Megan.”

She shrugged. Then she dug her hand into her backpack and pulled out a hefty tome titled Law and Chaos of the Occult. 

“I think I have a pretty good idea, actually.” She pointed to the front cover.

“Let me see that.”

Satan stepped toward her and extended his hand toward the text. She didn’t flinch as he snatched the book from her grip. He flipped through the pages, skimming pages and muttering snippets of sentences out loud.

“See, you can’t trust everything you read, kid. Tarot? Straight flush of nonsense. Astrology? Playing connect-the-dots with the stars. And look at this terrible run-on comma splice here. It’s nearly a full damn paragraph.”

“Oh, yeah, is that page 316?” Megan lifted her head to peer over the book. “And, yeah, it also says you have a commanding figure and three eyes.”

“You continue to insult me, child?” Lucifer bellowed. “I have made warriors weep and rulers gnash their teeth. Do you think I’m not a match for a little girl?”

“I told you, my name’s Megan.” She deflected, taking her book back from Satan and setting it gently back in her bag. “And yours is Satan. Your job is to punish the wicked for their sins. So if I have sinned, by all means, do as you are obliged.”

Satan took a step back. He softened his expression. Thousands of years had trained him to spot wickedness on sight. To sniff it out like a hound. Swoop in on it like a hawk. Vivisect and eviscerate every pinpoint of pain. Extract guilt like juice from the vine. This girl had no such thing. Even her jabs at him were in jest and honest curiosity, not malice. Darkness permeated every surface of this building, but not her. Who is this girl? He lowered and roughened his voice.

“Let’s cut to the chase here, Megan. What did you call me here for? That part in your book about granting a wish is true. But so is the part where I take your soul in exchange. Does that sound worth it?”

Megan took a deep breath and let out a sharp sigh. 

“Yeah, think so.”

This doesn’t feel right. He couldn’t fathom what would possibly possess a bright, vibrant girl like her to sign away her soul to him.

“Alright,” He hesitated, “What is your wish?”

Megan shook her hands in front of her in protest.

“Oh no, I don’t have a wish.”

Satan turned his head to the side and stared at her.

“What do you mean?”

“I just think it sounds nice to give my soul away.”