#Oh and I'm gender-fluid

[adamnablelittledevil]

Friendly reminder not to assume people's gender, sexuality, race, nationality, religion (in case there's any), if they're disabled or not etc unless proved otherwise? People don't have to tell you they're part of the same group just because you think your opinion is a consensus.

[inkskinned]

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

[boredlime]

when you're Probably Not Cis but you present as it anyways because you're too lazy to do anything about it

[ne0nwithazero]

Me when I try to make characters with weird gender and sexuality situations and people sass me because I'm not making them fit into stereotypes 😭God forbid these things be a spectrum

[anothermonikan]

everything about me is about my general disconnect with the world around me, except being Objectum which is about being Alive.

[yuri-the-boxfox]

:')

[nutelloona]

it's honestly so toxic that I'm still single even though my hair looks breathtakingly good

[b-h-art]

what the fuck??????? i never thought i'd want to be a chicken but what the fuck????? does this also mean dinosaurs could transition too?????? brother i eat chicken why does that not give ME the power to transition ???? wait do they do that at will or like is it a hormonal imbalance thingy like does it bother them somebody answer me

so i'm in this backyard chickens group on reddit and someone just discovered their hen is transitioning and everyone is stoked

anyway in case you didn't know chickens will sometimes spontaneously f2m and it's pretty cool

[nyastyaraspurrtina]

my life improved drastically upon realizing i can be a man and a woman. highly recommend

[flemish-giant-jackalope]

To be honest.

I don't know what I am. I know I'm not cis. I don't feel like man. And there this strong kinship I feel with trans ladies. But I'm always afraid that's just attraction. And I'm even more worried that I come over as a creep when I follow them.

Is it longing to be or desire of the body. Shakespeare asked if a rose smells any less sweet with another name. But I fear that if this is pure attraction it might come over as putrid. And eventually I'm unsure what I am. Do I need to be ashamed or do I need be joyous because at least me asking the question and not getting an answer, is beter then never asking at all.

It nags at my brain every now and then. This feeling of uncertainty. Of doubt.

I know I'm loved, even with my schrodinger's self love. But I think it's time for me to seek out other gender fluid or non binary people. Because it sometimes still hurts. I need a conversation and no longer just a question.

[aha-my-villainous-thoughts]

Oh my sweet baby jesus... It's beautiful. It's exquisite. It's transcendent!

Oh my god

I'm speechless!

✿❀❁✾✽

[brujaluas]

SPYING YOUR FUTURE SELF

pile 1

"I've been through a lot of ups and downs, and I'll keep going through them, but I still have hope for a better future" I heard that from your future self, you're a blessed person but you also suffer so much! It's like there's karma (even though I don't believe it) that you're going through, somehow you suffer a lot, some have a very strong melancholy, it could even be depression here, that's something, but then I see you enjoying your own company, in peace and content and then starting to meet someone, but things are still cold, you need to go through one more thing, the universe doesn't want me to give too many spoilers…

pile 2

Oh daddy! I'M SORRY BUT THAT WAS THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MY MIND I EVEN LAUGHED, LET'S LAUGH HAHAHAH

Wow! You're going to meet someone very interesting, wow, take what resonates, for many here for the majority it's a man, but if you're not interested, it's a person who has a very strong masculine energy, some can be gender fluid, and wow, wow estoy caliente aquí, I see that this man will be the kind of man that Lana del Rey sings about, she would fall in love if she saw him hehehe, they can be much older than you, very lively, you're going to have the key to each other's hearts, he's a man with all the qualities, I heard everything a lady looks for in a gentleman, I'm hot now, please, I'm not flirting with your future love, but wow, he's a very well-structured person, you're going to be supported by him simply because yes, he's a very lucky person and you're going to feel it, he can work a lot, he's really going to be older, I'm with back pain here, you're going to meet them when they are transitioning, like in their 30s or 40s, something important in their lives, it's like a snake shedding its skin, a man who knows what to say, well-spoken, can be a journalist, a smoker, and have hobbies, you can meet each other on a trip, sorry, it wasn't supposed to be a love reading, but your future self gave the key to your heart to this person so it's someone important that they want you to know. Don't argue with me, argue with your future self. call me for a three-way relationship JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CHOSE THIS PILE AND ARE JEALOUS I'M PROVOKING YOU but call me if you want hehehe

pile 3

Wow, so many changes hahaha pun, wow you're going to build something very important and profitable for you, you can move to another country, you can have your own business or you'll know exactly what you want professionally and how to achieve that success, there'll be a lot of envy around you because of that, you'll be successful and people should want to be inspired by you but no they'll want what's yours :(, I see marriage for you here too, a reciprocal relationship with love. and quite traditional the ceremony, with a very pretty wedding dress, very vintage.

[transmcytshowdown]

Joel Smallishbeans:

Submitted for: Hermitcraft, Third Life, Last Life, Double Life, Limited Life, Secret Life, Wild Life, Empires SMP Season 1, Empires SMP Season 2

Headcanons: Transmasc, he/they; Trans man, he/him; Genderfluid, any pronouns; Trans masc, it/he/she; Transmasc Genderfluid, he/any; Identity not specified, they/he

Propaganda: “He’s just a silly little terracotta man with only a vague understanding of human gender he tries to impersonate but fails at.”

“Lizzie and Joel are a t4t bi4bi couple in [the submitter’s] heart. Lizzie transfem (she/her) Joel transmasc+gender fluid (he/any).”

“Basically anywhere you see him. Just like, the constant ‘Ooh i'm so manly, the manliest, I’m so tall and strong and handsome,’ and always insisting that he’s really tall despite being super short and the way his voice will sometimes get all high and squeaky these are all very transmasc coded things. He’s one of us, okay, he’s got the vibes, trust, he’s got our humor. Every time he goes mining on Hermitcraft there is always a caption that’s like ‘straight white male mining content’ which is more of his constant need to assert how macho and manly he is and in double life he says he’s not going to get in the pool cause he’s ‘ashamed of his Minecraft body’ which is very trans behavior. He’s got that confidence he can wear a dress for mcc and still know he’s a man which is very transmasc cause other men just got handed it, but we afab men have to look at masculinity and go ‘yeah that’s me’ and then make sure everyone knows it like that’s how you know being trans isn’t a choice because men kinda suck and I still went out and actively was like um guys I’m actually a man sorry. Some days he’s cool with just throwing gender norms out the window and some days he feels the need to yell for the whole world and the next couple galaxies as well to hear that he’s DeFiNiTeLy NoT WeArInG a CoRsEt GeM. Can you tell [the submitter’s] projecting? Cause [they’re] projecting. You can pry this headcanon out of [their] cold dead hands lol.”

“He has fluctuating chest dysphoria so sometimes he doesn't bind and sometimes he does. His bad dysphoria days are rare enough that he's not gonna bother with top surgery.”

“Transmasc Joel Smallishbeans is everything to [the submitter] and [the submitter] like[s] to think that forming the bad boys is what made him plug the tv back on and turn the brightness to the max, like he went ‘Oh we’re bad boys?? Guess I’m finally a boy now!”

“Nonbinary bad boy Joel except he is not a boy.”

"First, [the submitter] think[s] she was raised as a gender that just. doesn't exist here. She was raised in Mezalea where how gender works is just. different and, because she has a beard, everyone assumed she was a man but she's NOT and in recent years has been figuring out her own identity and pronouns in a way she hasn't ever thought about before and also she and Lizzie are butch4femme, amen. Or bi4bi. Both? She’s a masculine person and she likes stuff like the bad boys because it's more of a title separate from her gender. She’s just a masculine woman, amen.”

“He's a sopping wet tanooki (cat /j) and [jizzie] are t4t bi4bi coded.”

“Joel hasn't been called girlfriend/wife/girl by his friends for NOTHING. Bro’s the definition of gender and he slays in a dress no matter what (in Minecraft and in irl)."

Joel Smallishbeans:

Submitted for: Hermitcraft, Third Life, Last Life, Double Life, Limited Life, Secret Life, Wild Life, Empires SMP Season 1, Empires SMP Season 2

Headcanons: Transmasc, he/they; Trans man, he/him; Genderfluid, any pronouns; Trans masc, it/he/she; Transmasc Genderfluid, he/any; Identity not specified, they/he

Propaganda: “He’s just a silly little terracotta man with only a vague understanding of human gender he tries to impersonate but fails at.”

“Lizzie and Joel are a t4t bi4bi couple in [the submitter’s] heart. Lizzie transfem (she/her) Joel transmasc+gender fluid (he/any).”

“Basically anywhere you see him. Just like, the constant ‘Ooh i'm so manly, the manliest, I’m so tall and strong and handsome,’ and always insisting that he’s really tall despite being super short and the way his voice will sometimes get all high and squeaky these are all very transmasc coded things. He’s one of us, okay, he’s got the vibes, trust, he’s got our humor. Every time he goes mining on Hermitcraft there is always a caption that’s like ‘straight white male mining content’ which is more of his constant need to assert how macho and manly he is and in double life he says he’s not going to get in the pool cause he’s ‘ashamed of his Minecraft body’ which is very trans behavior. He’s got that confidence he can wear a dress for mcc and still know he’s a man which is very transmasc cause other men just got handed it, but we afab men have to look at masculinity and go ‘yeah that’s me’ and then make sure everyone knows it like that’s how you know being trans isn’t a choice because men kinda suck and I still went out and actively was like um guys I’m actually a man sorry. Some days he’s cool with just throwing gender norms out the window and some days he feels the need to yell for the whole world and the next couple galaxies as well to hear that he’s DeFiNiTeLy NoT WeArInG a CoRsEt GeM. Can you tell [the submitter’s] projecting? Cause [they’re] projecting. You can pry this headcanon out of [their] cold dead hands lol.”

“He has fluctuating chest dysphoria so sometimes he doesn't bind and sometimes he does. His bad dysphoria days are rare enough that he's not gonna bother with top surgery.”

“Transmasc Joel Smallishbeans is everything to [the submitter] and [the submitter] like[s] to think that forming the bad boys is what made him plug the tv back on and turn the brightness to the max, like he went ‘Oh we’re bad boys?? Guess I’m finally a boy now!”

“Nonbinary bad boy Joel except he is not a boy.”

"First, [the submitter] think[s] she was raised as a gender that just. doesn't exist here. She was raised in Mezalea where how gender works is just. different and, because she has a beard, everyone assumed she was a man but she's NOT and in recent years has been figuring out her own identity and pronouns in a way she hasn't ever thought about before and also she and Lizzie are butch4femme, amen. Or bi4bi. Both? She’s a masculine person and she likes stuff like the bad boys because it's more of a title separate from her gender. She’s just a masculine woman, amen.”

“He's a sopping wet tanooki (cat /j) and [jizzie] are t4t bi4bi coded.”

“Joel hasn't been called girlfriend/wife/girl by his friends for NOTHING. Bro’s the definition of gender and he slays in a dress no matter what (in Minecraft and in irl)."

[slayfics]

Eijiro confesses his feelings to you and Katsuki.

Kiribaku x Reader

1,600 words~

You turned the page in the book as you sunk more into Eijiro's bed.

"UGH!" I'm tired of studying!" You exclaimed, unable to hold in your frustration anymore.

"Same- let's take a break," Eijiro concluded setting aside his book.

"Tch- no wonder you damn extras are always complaining about the exams. You don't work hard enough!" Katsuki barked at you both.

"Awe- come on Bakugo we deserve a break," Eijiro pleaded. "Plus... I kind of wanted to talk to you both about something."

"What's wrong?" Bakugo asked his friend curiously.

"Nothing's wrong I just-" Eijiro began to say before being cut off by Katsuki.

"Yes, there is. You got that stupid look in your eye. Just tell us," He demanded.

"Well ok... here it goes... so I uh- I have a crush I guess-" Eijiro began.

"Aweeee~" You began to say in a sing-song voice. Katsuki grunted and rolled his eyes looking back at his studying materials.

"Don't be mean Bakugo!" You spat and knocked the studying materials out of his hand.

"HEY!" He began to yell at you before Eijiro spoke up again.

"You guys, come on! I really need help!"

"Fine! Just be quick and spit it out. This shit makes me uncomfortable," Katsuki replied.

"I like um someone, and I just don't know what to do about it..." Eijiro finished.

"Fucking tell them and stop bugging us about it," Katsuki said bluntly.

"Don't listen to him," you said giving Katsuki a playful shove.

"God damn it extra! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!" Katsuki yelled at you, frustrated by your playfulness.

You ignored Katsuki and continued talking to Eijiro. "As much as I hate to admit it, Bakugo's right. Just be honest with her," you said smiling at him.

"Oh well um- I just don't know how they will react," Eijiro said, Katsuki stayed silent with his arms crossed, his disdain for this conversation all too obvious.

"Oh, they? I'm sorry for assuming Kirishima! Is this a boy? Or wait, non-binary?"

"N-no- well I mean k-kind of-?" Eijiro said, stuttering his words suddenly.

"Oh! They must be gender fluid?" You asked.

"Um- Uh- I uh- I don't know- but- that's not the point!" Eijiro said, starting to get flustered as he looked between you and Katsuki nervously.

"The hell?" Katsuki grumbled, raising an eyebrow. "Why are you being so damn weird about this shitty hair? Who the fuck is it anyway?"

"I uh... I don't know if I can say yet- well maybe- I don't know," Eijiro said, letting out a big sigh and hiding his face in his hands.

"Sorry, are we overwhelming you? Just tell us how to help. We're here for you Kirishima." You said, patting him on the back.

Eijiro mumbled into his hands, "What happens if I tell them, and they don't feel the same?"

"HA?!! THEN I'LL MURDER THEM!!" Katsuki yelled. "How could they not feel the same?? You're going to be an amazing pro hero, and you're always too damn nice to everyone so- yeah- of course they will feel the same idiot," Katsuki said and looked away from you both, his arms crossing just a bit tighter as he wondered who could have caught Eijiro's attention.

Katsuki was very observant, so the fact that he hadn't noticed his best friend and developed a crush on someone was dumbfounding him. More important, he was concerned about who, and if they'd be good enough for Eijiro.

Eijiro picked his head up from his hands, a small blush was tinted on his cheeks at Katsuki's compliments.

"You- you really think so?" He asked.

"Duh- I don't just say shit to say it dumb ass," Katsuki said.

"Well so... if they do feel the same- then what do I do?" Eijiro asked.

You tilted your head to the side, "What do you mean, Kirishima?"

"Like- if they... feel the same way about me... then what? Where do I go from there?" He asked.

"Well then maybe plan a day to spend time together? That way you can get to know them more." You suggested.

"Hmmm...," Eijiro mumbled and looked down. "Well what if... what if I already spend a lot of time with... them?" he asked, and hesitantly looked back up at you.

"Oh uh... well I don't know, maybe you just give them a kiss, if you both are confessing your feelings?" You said and started to wonder more about what was going on. It seemed like nothing you and Katsuki had said was making Eijiro feel any better. He actually seemed to be more on edge now.

"Oh man," Eijiro said and hid his face again.

"The hell is wrong now?!" Katsuki asked annoyed.

"This is so not manly at all but- I've never kissed anyone before," Eijiro said.

"You're joking right?" Katsuki asked.

"No man! I'm not joking, come on don't make fun of me!" Eijiro said giving Katsuki a defeated look.

"Hey, it's ok! Everyone has different experiences!" You said, trying to calm him. "It's not that hard Kirishima, don't stress. It'll come naturally in the moment." You spoke.

"But what if it doesn't?! Have you seen my teeth?! What If I hurt them?? Or- or- what if my quirk goes off? Man, that would be so bad! Haven't I showed you what I did to my own eye?!?!" He said, panicking swinging his arms and pointing at the scar on his eye.

"Wow wow- calm down Kirishima," You begged him. It pained you to see your friend so upset that you wanted to do anything to help ease his anxieties. "Did um- did you... want to practice?" You squeaked out so low that Eijiro and Katsuki almost didn't hear.

"The fuck?!" Katsuki exclaimed.

"Wait- like... kiss you???" Eijiro asked, his whole face igniting in a blush.

"I'm sorry! That was weird for me to offer, wasn't it?! I didn't mean for that- I just- I hate seeing you so upset and-" You spat out anxiously feeling embarrassed by your offer.

"No!" Eijiro stopped you. "I uh-... can I?" He asked looking at you with wide eyes.

"You're fucking joking, right? I'm out of here," Katsuki said standing up.

"No! Bakugo wait!" Eijiro called after him.

"HA? Why the fuck would I stay for that?!" He barked.

"Yeah stay," you said. "If you leave then it does make it weird, then it's not just friends helping each other out and- well uh it would feel too intimate if it was just me and Kirishima, and this is just for practice." You explained.

"Uh yeah right..." Eijiro said, but suddenly looked downcast by your explanation.

"Tch- whatever," Katsuki said, sitting back down and looking away from you two. "Just fucking do it then so we can get back to studying,"

"Right ok," Eijiro said to himself as he hyped himself up.

"Alright well- go ahead," you said shrugging your shoulders.

"Um- just go? Like that?" Eijiro said blushing.

You couldn't help but giggle at his nervousness. "Yeah silly- here I'll get closer," you said scooting over to him more on the bed.

"Ok- ok-" He mumbled as he nervously shook. "I'm going to do it-"

"FUCKING KISS ALREADY!" Katsuki yelled.

Eijiro startled by Katsuki's yell, jumped, and moved his lips quickly to yours, causing his teeth to knock into yours.

"OW-" You exclaimed as your hand shot up to your lips.

"OH MAN! I'm so sorry! See I hurt you, didn't I!? That's exactly what I was worried about!" Eijiro cried out, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

"It's fine Kirishima! It didn't really hurt, it just startled me!" You said, trying to calm him.

"Oh my god! No, your lip is bleeding! I'm the worst at this!" He cried.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP KIRISHIMA!" Katsuki yelled, startling you both, and causing you both to turn to him. "Why the fuck are you always so down on yourself!? COME HERE-" Katsuki yelled and grabbed Eijiro by his shirt collar pulling him closer. You watched as Eijiro was now pressed against Katsuki by force. The moment happened fast but you could have sworn you saw it in slow motion. Katsuki forcefully pressed his lips to Eijiro's.

A surprised, "Hmpfh~," escaped Eijiro as you watched him close his eyes momentarily getting lost in the kiss.

Then, as suddenly as he had yanked him, Katsuki threw Eijiro back down to the bed.

"There, see you can kiss someone without hurting them. So- stop fucking crying," Katsuki barked.

Eijiro looked up at his friend, his face flushed as he panted slightly, "Bakugo that-"

"DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!" Katsuki warned. "JUST- just go! Go tell whatever dumb fucking extra it is how you feel! Just- get the fuck out of here already," Katsuki yelled and looked away. You could have sworn you saw mist in his eyes before he turned away.

"Uh Bakugo-... we're in Kirishima's room," you dared to say.

"Tch- I'll fucking leave then," he said beginning to storm out.

"Bakugo wait!" Kirishima called after him.

"FUCKING WHAT!?" He yelled but didn't turn around to face you two.

"I already did..." Eijiro said.

"Hu?" Katsuki exclaimed and turned around looking at Eijiro, a confused look on his face. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were watery.

"I did... I- I told them... both of them..." Eijiro said, quietly and the room froze. No one spoke for a moment as you all stayed in this moment processing what it had meant, and what this whole interaction had been about.

"Both?... Kirishima... Is that what you mean by they- you meant they as in plural?"

"You mean... both- as in... both of us? You like both of us?" Katsuki asked him, eyes wide.

Eijrio nodded his head shyly.

The three of you looked at each other now having an understanding.

Tags: @unofficialmuilover @maddietries @fiannee

[melercies]

pairing(s): nam-gyu x (gender-neutral) reader headcanons (squid game + post-squid game)

warning(s): dark/toxic relationship dynamics, including manipulation, gaslighting, possessiveness, emotional/psychological abuse, violence, obsessive behaviors, power struggles, mature/suggestive themes in some parts, death (nam-gyu + reader separately), drug/alcohol mentioned, my best interpretation of the character and lowercase use intended.

author's note: i decided to write some relationship headcanons when it comes to nam-gyu specifically. i will eventually write for thanos too, but at the moment, this guy is rotting in my brain. <//3 please let me know if i missed anything! likes, reblogs, and comments are highly appreciated!

when it comes to nam-gyu, his idea of love is driven by his deep need for some sort of validation. if he feels that you're not paying enough attention to him, he might resort to making subtle gestures, lingering touches here and there or making you feel guilty for not putting him first.

your eyes gaze onto his figure, noticing the sudden shift in his demeanor. he was practically sulking and was slightly distant, trying to get you to notice him again, whether being more charming or taking actions that demand attention. "how can you be so cold to me? after everything i've done for you?"

for nam-gyu, love isn't about mutual respect or a deep emotional connection. it's about ownership. he wants to feel like he has you, body and soul. it makes him see love as some sort of possession, not someting fluid or free. you are his, and he makes sure you know it. clearly, he enjoys the power struggles in the relationship, pushing you to your limits just to see and test if you'll stay with him.

nam-gyu would never admit it, but he has a deep insecurity within him that drives for his actions where he is terrified of being abandoned, of not being enough. under all that exterior of his, there's a childlike need for affection and approval. the problem is that this vulnerability of his is masked by his pride and narcissim, making him push you away even if he desperately needs you.

sometimes when you call him out on his behavior, he'll twist your words, making you question yourself. he has his ways of making you feel guilty, even when he's the one in the wrong.

the dormitory was dim, the faint hum of distant murmurs filling the tense air. you sit on the cold floor, arms wrapped around your knees, trying to process what just happened. nam-gyu crouches in front of you, hands on his thighs, tilting his head with that infuriating smirk. "c'mon, you're really giving me the silent treatment?"

you glance up at him, jaw tight. "you didn't have to do that." your voice shakes with frustration. "that guy wasn't a threat. you didn't have to—"

"oh, so now i'm the bad guy?" he scoffs, rolling his eyes before leaning in, his hands settling on your shoulders. his grip was firm, gentle enough to seem affectionate in a way, but strong enough to remind you who's in control. "i did what i had to do. he was looking at you like he had a chance. what was i supposed to do? let him think you were up for grabs?"

you shake your head, trying to pull away, but he holds you still. "that's not what this is about, nam-gyu! you—"

"shhh," he coos, pressing a finger to your lips. "you're overthinking again, sweetheart. i know it's scary in here, but i'm looking out for you. you know i wouldn't let anything happen to you, right?" his tone is soothing, almost sweet—like he's comforting you. like he didn't just break a man's fingers for daring to talk to you.

you hate how your resolve starts to crack.

he leans closer, his forehead almost touching yours. "you trust me, don't you?" his voice drops, low and coaxing. "i only do this because i care about you. you'd rather be with some nobody who can't even protect you?"

the worst part? some twisted part of you believed him. he cups your face, brushing his thumb over your cheek as his lips ghost over your ear. "just stick with me. i'll get us out of here. you don't have to worry about anything—i'll do the hard part." the weight of his words felt like they were pressing down on you like a collar around your throat. and just like that, he wins. again.

nam-gyu makes it clear from the start: you stick with him, and he'll keep you alive. but it's not out of pure love—it's about ownership. his protection feels suffocating, but in a skeptical place like this, it's certainly better than being alone.

he'll steal extra food if he can, but he won't always share. if he does, it's usually because he's in a good mood, but pretends to not act as if he doesn't care—or because he likes seeing you beg for it. it was ridiculous.

"fine, fine. here, open your mouth," he teases, pressing a piece of stale bread to your lips. "see how generous i am?" if you hesitate, he tuts, shoving it into your mouth himself. "what, you don't trust me?"

the sleeping quarters are chaos, but nam-gyu always makes sure you're curled up besides him. sometimes, he keeps an arm around your waist to make sure you don't wander and let himself know that your presence is still by his side. especially within these fucked-up kid games.

when he suspects or catches someone else getting a bit too close to you, it doesn't end well for them unfortunately. a fellow player offers to help you? oh, no problem. nam-gyu makes it a personal mission for himself to make sure they don't make it through the next game or their life a living hell. he doesn't even try to hide it.

"told you not to talk to just anyone. guess they didn't listen." he spoke, shrugging, your eyes stare at him in disbelief after he had killed them.

nam-gyu practically lives for the moments where he can get under your skin—physically and emotionally. he loves watching every of your reactions, the way you try to act unaffected when he's so close, touching you just enough to leave you aching for more. no matter how many times you try to push your mind off of him.

whispers of alliances, occasional scuffle, and the ever-present tension of survival was all there was, but none of that mattered right now. not with the way nam-gyu had you backed against the cold metal bunk, his hands braced on either side of you.

"thought you were gonna sleep without saying goodnight?" he murmurs, voice dripping with amusement. his eyes gleam under the dim lighting, filled with something dark, something..hungry.

you huff, trying to push past him, but he doesn't budge. instead, he presses closer, his breath ghosting over your lips. "tsk. rude," he drawls. "after everything i've done for you? keeping you safe, feeding you...and you won't even give me a little gratitude?"

you glare at him, but your resolves wavers when his fingers brush against your hip—just barely, just enough to make your eyes glance down and breath hitch. his smirk deepens, that teasing little shit. he knows.

"what's wrong?" he coos, tilting his head. "nervous?" his hand slides lower, skimming the waistband of your uniform, teasing and testing as he watches your face for any reactions. you swallow hard, glancing at the other players—most of them asleep, others too wrapped up in their own survival to even care. still, the risk sends a thrill up your spine.

nam-gyu notices. he thrives on it.

his lips brush against your jaw—so light, so fleeting it almost doesn't happen. then, just as you start to lean in, he pulls back with a quiet chuckle. your eyes widening slightly by him retracting. "get some sleep," he whispers, his thumb tracing slow circles against your hip before finally stepping away. "you'll need your energy for tomorrow." and just like that, he's gone—leaving you breathless, flustered, and completely at his mercy.

usually it doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes, rare quiet moments during lights out happen with nam-gyu. nam-gyu lets his guard down. just slightly. "when we get out of here," he whispers, "we'll start over. just you and me. no one else." he says it like it's a dream—one you both know probably won't come true unless luck is on both your sides.

if you make it out alive, but he doesn't? whether he went out protecting you or because of his own recklessness, his final words haunt you. maybe it was him trying to act tough, a cocky smirk on his lips or maybe, in his last moments, he was soft—gripping your hand weakly and whispering, "you better win. don't make this all for nothing." the light in his eyes slowly dying down as your grip on his hand tightens, refusing to leave his side as the pink guards come by to place his body into one of those black-and-pink coffins.

no matter how he treated you, a part of you aches knowing you made it and he didn't. even if you tell yourself it was for the best, you can still hear his voice lingering in your head—taunting, possessive, maybe even affectionate in his own twisted way.

you'd flinch at familiar smirks. you turn when you hear someone laugh like him. sometimes you swear you can hear his voice when you're alone, murmuring, "miss me, babe?"

if you were the winner, you can't just enjoy it. not without thinking about him—about what he would've done with it. would he have taken you away somewhere? spent it recklessly? it doesn't matter. because now, you'll never know.

a jacket, a ring, something small that he always had on him. you don't even realize why you keep it at first. but one night, holding to your chest or staring at the item, you would find yourself admitting quietly: i miss you.

if nam-gyu makes it out alive, but you don't? denial. that's what he feels at first, he doesn't believe it as they announce the player numbers that have been eliminated. he waits for you to show up. even after the game is over, he expects to turn a corner or see you amongst the crowd of remaining players and see you. however, when reality finally sinks in, it's not pretty.

if he witnesses your death in front of him, he fucking snaps. whether it's screaming your name, lunging at whoever caused it, or making a promise right then and there—"i'll kill every single one of you fucking—" he does not go quietly.

if he's the last one standing, the prize feels...empty. he'll still blow it on reckless things—clubs, alcohol, drugs—but none of it fills the hollow ache in his chest. every victory tastes like ash without you there to enjoy it with him.

you were the one thing that kept him (somewhat) grounded. without you, he spirals. he's quick to throw punches, to lash out at anyone who reminds him even slightly of you. it's easier to be angry than to feel the loss.

no matter how self-destructive he gets, there's one thing of yours he keeps—an article of clothing, some accessory of yours, maybe even a stupid joke/line you used to say. sometimes, when he's sure that no one's looking, he presses the item to his lips and mutters, "you should've been here."

late at night, after too many drinks or he's so high from overpowering drugs, he would lean back against his seat and mutter, "what, no snarky comeback? you'd be rolling your eyes at me right now." then, silence. and for the first time, he hates it.

[gray-ace-space]

recently encountered a post where someone said "gender is fluid but sexuality isn't". (they were talking about bi lesbians.)

my first thought was: does that person, like. hear what they're saying? how can you explicitly hold two beliefs that are so logically inconsistent and not see it? how can you simultaneously think gender is this fluid and complex thing, but sexuality, much of which is defined around gender, is simple and stationary and its boundaries need policing?

but like, fuck, why even argue against it, right? there is no internal logic because there is no logical thought behind it. these are not genuine beliefs. this person is repeating what is currently acceptable in their (small) specific social circle. this is the same person who, a few years back, would be excluding nonbinary lesbians, but nonbinary lesbians are cool and normal on queer tumblr now, so they'll exclude bi lesbians instead, and not even pause to reflect on the difference.

oh, and if you read this and thought "these people don't even actually accept nb lesbians either", ding ding ding! because it's not a real, deep belief, that acceptance is extremely shallow and conditional. so as soon as someone is an nb lesbian in a way these people find odd (like being both a man and a lesbian) they will exclude them too and find a way to justify it.

why do we have to endlessly go through this cycle with queer identities. can we not? can we just not. i'm tired.