#and then i realized oh gender is fluid and shifting forever and also i can be both if i want

[nyastyaraspurrtina]

my life improved drastically upon realizing i can be a man and a woman. highly recommend

[nothorses]

Uh I don't really know where else to go for this and I know you answer asks like this a lot and you be always got something good to say so maybe you can help me? I'm trying to sort through lots of feelings on my own since I can't get a gender therapist (my mother actually recommend medicalized conversion therapy instead when I tried to come out to her so, so much for her loving her kids no matter what, right? I hope she comes around but I'm not in a position to apply force to our relationship right now)

And although I'm not like 100% male and I'm more close to enby (but with he/him pronouns) it's still an odd concept to know that people will view me one way based on exactly how I present and I'm not allowed to talk about it without it being "whining" or nonsense complaining... Because if I'm a man, or closely enough one to be precieved as one, then what right do I have to complain? I'm sure you've seen the type of conversations

I can do a lot of things now that I can't do if I'm precieved as male? Like for example women can go to the park and eat lunch and nobody bats an eye but if I a guy does it it's weird because there's kids around, ya know? It's this weird double edge sword that if I decide to go on T I'm both gaining and losing privilege and people won't take that into consideration, because people are still hung up on viewing oppression like Pokemon stats

Also I don't necessarily hate men or think men are evil or anything, but I know other people do that and other people are scared of men- and like I get it if I see some weird dude loitering around I'm locking the car too, but I don't want to be the reason a woman has to cross the street? Or the reason someone has to worry about going home late?

And don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good person, but I know as well other people don't know that... I know what checking over your shoulder on a walk is like, and I don't want to have to be the reason someone does that?

So it leaves me feeling like not only is there so much to learn, but also people are just going to hate me for who I am going to become if I go through medical transition? Like I get it, not everyone is going to like me, but I don't want people to be afraid of me?

But also if I do go on T I have absolutely 0 basis for what I might look like or how it will change me and that's a scary aspect as well, because I can think of a lot of guys I'd be happy to look like or whatever but I can think of a lot more I would be unhappy to look like and you can't pick and choose genetic reactions.. And I know the idea is all about becoming more "you" rather than the perfect version of yourself you wish you could be, but it's still the point... Is it better to live with the familiar hurt of this body and my dislikes? Or should I try essentially a new one and run the risk of hating it more in some ways?

There's like 2 central ideas here, and the one idea has a lot of little ideas coming off of it, but I know at least the first issue I presented you'll understand... The second one is a little more up in the air since appearance is such a personal thing, but I think it's not an unheard of concept... So hopefully all of that makes sense and maybe you've got some decent advice or can just help me make a little more sense to myself?

Oh boy, you’re so valid. A lot of this is very familiar, and I know you’re not alone in it at all.

I’m gonna try to organize some points here, cause I think you brought up a lot of things.

“I don’t know if I want to be perceived as a man, cause enby”

You’re right that folks are likely going to see you as a man after a certain point. It’s hard to find a middle ground where you ping as neither to the average cis person, and it’s hard to control that enough for it to be consistent.

My advice, honestly, is to make choices more based on your comfort than the highly subjective and ever-shifting concept of “passing”. I know it sucks to be perceived as something you aren’t, but your wants are probably the best starting point in the decision-making process.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to do the things I can do now if I’m perceived as a man”

This is true of transitioning in general, tbh! You will also likely be able to do things you couldn’t do before; I know folks have talked about feeling safer walking around at night, and being listened to more often by other men, once they begin to pass as men.

I also struggle with this, as a future teacher; the treatment of men in childcare is very, very different, and very stigmatized compared to female counterparts. But that, to me, is worth it. I’m willing to deal with the problems other people place on me, if it means I get to finally feel at home in my own body.

“I’m afraid of causing women distress by existing near them as a man”

Look, this is frankly just not your responsibility. Looking like a man is not an act of misogyny. Looking like a man does not make you “the reason” women do or feel anything. Those reactions are their own, and you are not responsible for mitigating them- particularly if that mitigation involves you, a trans person, forgoing transition for other people’s comfort.

You are responsible for trying to be a good person, making good decisions, and for not being misogynistic. Not the assumptions women make about you based on your appearance.

“I’m afraid I might not like how I look after I transition”

I know I agonized a lot over this, certain that I would ultimately dislike how I looked if it wasn’t up to a certain standard. I imagined my post-transition self as a stranger; someone I’d have to meet and grow to accept as myself. Even scarier was that I couldn’t opt out if I didn’t like the stranger- I’d be stuck with him forever after I made that one big decision.

But... it’s not really like that, in practice. I’m me, every single step of the way, and I have only ever felt more and more like myself as I go through this process. I feel like pre-transition me was the stranger, and the person I’m becoming now is more familiar to me than anyone I’ve ever been before.

I know that’s not an easy thing to understand or relate to from a pre-transition standpoint, but what I want you to understand is this: if you’re making this decision for the right reasons, you’re gonna be okay. If you’re pursuing your own happiness, comfort in your body, the person you want to be and the life you want to live, you’re gonna be okay.

And if you realize it was a mistake, at some point, you can undo that decision again. It’s fluid; you’re not gonna be trapped in one body forever. Transition is about agency. Trust yourself now to know what you want, and trust your future self to keep knowing what you want.

[xofoldedpages]

Hello, I love your work ❤️ May I request a NSFW controlling Felix x Reader

Thank you so much & OFC you can because I too would love a controlling Felix.I hope this is what you meant by controlling? Also ~ with no gender for the reader, I automatically go to female so I hope that is fine as well!And why yes, I do headcanon the girls all train in their skirted uniforms don’t @ me

Mine { felix x reader }

Pairing: Felix x ReaderRated: Explicit Genre: Smutty smutWarnings: controlling, possessive behavior, pre-time skip.

Felix valued strength above all else, so when you waltzed into the training grounds that fated day and disarmed him so suddenly, he became intrigued. And then, when Ingrid introduced you to him and Sylvain at breakfast in the dining hall, he questioned how he never noticed you before. He was prompt in asking you to train with him later in the evening, and you agreed.

That was the first evenings of many. The moons came and went, and things between you and Felix bloomed. Neither of you really knew how it happened, it just did; an unspoken bond. This, however, frustrated you endlessly. Felix was complicated and so detached, he often left you feeling unsure of what exactly you two were. When you attempted to talk to him about this, he shut down.

“Why does this concern you?” He demanded, unable to hold proper eye contact with you.

“I just want to know, Felix. It’s not a hard question,” You pushed, but this only agitated him.

“I don’t have an answer.”

Dejected, your shoulders slumped.

“Fine,” and with that, you sulked towards the library. Your incoherent mumbles earned you odd looks from the other students who passed by, but you paid them no mind. When you reached the library, you probably slammed the book down just a little too hard on the table and turned the pages just a little too rough.

“Hey, (y/n), looking ravishing as ever.”

Before you had a chance to tear your nose away from your book, Sylvain pulled out the chair next to you and invited himself to sit down.

“I’m not really in the mood, Sylvain.”

“Oh? Is that the case? Well, it wouldn’t be hard for me to put you in the mood if that’s what you want.”

A rosy-hue blossomed on your cheeks from Sylvain’s suggestive words, and you responded by connecting your book to his shoulder. Felix, having cursed himself for pushing you away like he did, entered the library in hopes of finding you. He was just in time to witness the show between you and his best friend.  

He tsk’d, turned on his heels, and left.

“Kidding! Kidding!” Sylvain threw up his hands in feigned surrender. “I know your Felix’s. I would never do that to him.”

“Sylvain, you really are - wait,” You paused, gawking at the redhead next to you. “What did you say?”

“That I know you’re Felix’s?”

“How do you know that?” You urged him to explain.

“I mean, it’s pretty obvious.”

Felix, uncertain on how to quell the emotions bubbling inside him, made haste to the training grounds and began to wield his sword with shameful recklessness. Hours later, despite remaining unsure about your position in Felix’s life, you ascended the stairs to the training grounds as well. Too enthralled in his practices, he didn’t even notice your arrival.

“Felix?” You called out.

He stopped finally, the muscles in his body thankful for a moment of rest. Sweat drenched his body, his white button-up desperately clinging to his chest. His eyes locked with yours before shifting elsewhere.

“What do you want?”

“We promised to meet here to train earlier, remember?”

In his delusional fit, he had forgotten. He was about to dismiss you but paused. Crossing blades with you may help him release his pent up frustration. “Grab a sword quickly before I change my mind.”

You nodded and listened.

Sparring together evolved into a daily ritual for the two of you, but this time was different. Unspoken hostility fueled Felix’s strikes, your hands becoming numb from the impact.

The next few seconds blurred together, and you somehow found your back flush with the ground, a wooden sword pointed at the middle of your chest.

“I win,” Felix stated matter-of-factly. His legs straddled your hips, and, even though he bested you, he made no effort to stand up. Both your frames were drenched in sweat, your chests rising and falling erratically. In the commotion, your uniform bunched up towards your hips. An uncomfortable warmth lolled in the narrow space between your bodies as they radiated heat.

As he continued to pin you down, his amber eyes hazed with obscurity. The stare made you fidget beneath his weight. His jaw tightened. “Stop moving,” he demanded, and you did.

“I’m sorry, you’re just hurting me a little.”

“Is that what you like?”

“What? You hurting me?”

“No, you idiot. Sylvain. Is that what you like? Pointless flirting? An incorrigible, useless man?”

The realization dawned on you instantly; he must have seen you with Sylvain in the library.

“Felix, you’re mistaken.”

“Shut up,” Another demand.

“Let me explain,” You begged.

“I don’t need your worthless explanation,” By this time, he had disregarded his training weapon, replacing the sword with your wrists instead. In one fluid motion, he pinned them above your head.

“You’re mine, understand?”

You inhaled sharply and held your breath, unable to process the words. Before you could respond, Felix claimed your lips with his. His mouth was insistent, parting your trembling lips so his tongue could explore your mouth. You closed your eyes and kissed him back just as eagerly. The two of you poured moons of subdued longing into that first kiss, and a surging warmth left you limp beneath his grasp.

You inhaled his intoxicating scent and mesmerized the curves of his lips and the way he tasted against you.

Goddess, he was perfect.

Unable to control yourself, you hummed against his kiss. Felix’s cock twitches at the sound, and you gasp, feeling him swell between your thighs. He finally releases your lips.

“I’m the only man you’re allowed to look at.”

As if to punctuate his statement, he leaned his body down to your neck and covered your flesh under his lips. He sucked and nipped, coaxing the blood to the surface. When he was sure your skin was bruised and marked, he moved to claim another area.

A part of Felix despised himself for feeling this way; for feeling jealous of Sylvain. The man was as useless as they came, chasing skirts instead of training. But the image of you two together unnerved him.

An uncomfortable urgency pulsed between your legs, and you instinctively tilted your hips up to grind against his hastily.

“Fuck,” he mouthed the word against your collarbone. He was becoming impatient.

“Say it,” he instructed, lifting his chest off yours. You whimpered as he pulled away, desperate to feel his weight on you again. “Say I’m the only man you’ll look at.”

“You’re the only man I’ll look at, Felix.”

That was all he needed. He let go of your wrists, leaning back to release his swelling cock from his constraining trousers. Then, he looped his fingers in your panties, and after you lifted your hips to help, he drew them down to your ankles.

“M-maybe we should take this elsewhere?”

The training grounds were a very public place, after all.

Felix’s hand found your wrists again, this time pinning them above your head. He leaned his body to lay atop yours once more. “No,” he answered, the tip of his cock teasing your already soaking entrance. “I don’t have the patience to wait.”

Despite his words, he entered you slowly, allowing you to adjust to the fullness stretching your core. You both breathed a throaty moan at the sensation. He thrust his hips until his cock kissed at your cervix. This made you whimper, your hips bucking involuntarily. No longer able to control himself, Felix dragged back and slammed himself into your cunt forcefully. And then he did it again, and again. Each thrust seemed more urgent than the last; like he needed to devour all of you.

His hands loosened on your wrists, and to your surprise, Felix laced his fingers with yours. He moved his mouth down the front of your chest.

“You will only train with me,” he bit down.

“I will be the only one that fucks you,” Felix moved to your breast, biting through the fabric down at your nipple. His demands only made you wetter. Taking note of this, he simpered. He lifted his head back up, his face flushed. You remarked to yourself how handsome the man was all flustered and ardent for you. His hips continued to ravage your cunt, and you could feel your walls tighten against his cock as you came closer to ecstasy.

“Do you understand?”

You nodded, unable to form coherent words by now. All you could react with were uncontrolled cries of bliss. The sounds you made throttled Felix over the top, and he began to move his hips like a feral creature. To his dismay, he was the one who came first, his warm cum squirting into your walls, spine-numbing shivers coursing through his nerves.  

When Felix was finished, his body fell limp, but he remained hard, stationed inside of you. He was not about to let you best him. His fingers released yours, and he took his time, his hands roaming down the curves of your body before pressing against your clit. You gasped but welcomed the feeling. His fingers worked at your mound, drawing pressured circles, moving up and down, stimulating you in every which way. He then began to move his hips slowly, adding to your pleasure.

You were already close before, and his teasing strokes prompted an uncomfortable ache between your thighs.

“Felix please.”

“Cum,” was all he said as he touched you.

And you did.

The next day, Sylvain approached you to ask how things were between you and Felix. With the uncanny ability to spot you in the wrong situations, Felix was sure to remind you that you were his, against your protests that he was mistaken yet again. Forever impatient,  Felix took you from behind as your body rocked against the library bookshelf.

“I said, you’re mine.”

[angelbabymommy]

Where do I begin? How do I tell this story? I guess the only way I know how.

I am 32 years old, I have carried and birthed 5 beautiful babies into this world, children I am thankful for each day, even more so now. Children I am blessed to hug, laugh with, make memories, and love always.

March 7, 2020 I gave birth to my fifth child. My partner and I both agreed we didn’t want another child for some time and I made the decision to use birth control. I was using the Xulane birth control patch. All was well.

In June 2020 I realized I hadn’t started a period. Surely I wasn’t pregnant but just to be safe we took a test, imagine our surprise to see two lines! Wait! What just happened!?!

It was overwhelming. We were scared. But we accepted it. My partner and I were warming up to the idea of another baby to adore. I found a midwife, I found a hospital that would allow me to have the water birth I always dreamed of having. I was going to stay team green and have my partner announce the gender of our baby to me at birth. I also had decided this would be my last baby for good. I began to envision this life with this child. I felt strongly and deeply in my heart it was a little girl. My heart was overjoyed.

July 14, 2020 we had our first ultrasound scan. We measured 6 weeks! Our baby had a heartbeat, 108 bpm. Everything looked normal. They scheduled us for a follow up scan for two weeks later. During those two weeks I experienced some nausea, my tests were still blazing positive. I craved foods and I was tired. But I was happy.

July 31, 2020 I should have been 8 weeks 3 days. We would see an even bigger baby with an even stronger heartbeat! I couldn’t wait, I had looked forward to this day so much. But when we did the scan my heart sunk. I am not an expert by no means but I’ve had enough babies and scans to know what we should have seen and we were not seeing that. The nurse said it was inconclusive. But I knew, I knew it wasn’t inconclusive. I knew my baby was gone. Taken from me. Why? What had I done wrong? I didn’t drink or do drugs. I took my prenatal vitamins every night before bed.

I came out to the car and burst into tears. Barely able to speak. I was a blubbering mess. My boyfriend was in denial. He didn’t want to believe it. He wanted a second opinion. My body didn’t warn me. It gave me no indication that something was wrong. It still believed it was pregnant. Why oh why? By Monday I began spotting pink. I knew my body was finally beginning to realize what had happened, that we lost the baby. It’s funny people say lost the baby, as if I somehow misplaced it. I didn’t lose it. Where did it go?

Tuesday I saw my old OB who had delivered my other babies. She remained optimistic. She drew blood. She wanted to check my hcg count before proceeding. The next day, Wednesday, August 5, 2020 my Dr called. My hcg count was 2500, that’s normal for a 6 week pregnancy. I knew then my baby had stopped developing right after that first scan. My pink spotting was beginning to turn more red and a bit more heavy.

That night around 7 PM I began bleeding uncontrollably. I was getting blood all over myself and my bathroom. My four year old was scared repeatedly asking me if I was okay. I assured him I would be okay. I finished making dinner, feeding my kiddos and bathing everyone and getting them off to bed. At that point I was soaking a pad in less than an hour. I tried to shower, to get blood off me, but blood poured out of me. It was like a scene from a horror film. I began passing clots. Some were as big as my hands. I started feeling weak, dizzy and faint. Any time I stood I would see spots and darkness. I knew this wasn’t normal.

My boyfriend had to leave for work. He works the overnight shift. Fortunately my mom was here. I hadn’t even announced my pregnancy yet but I had the unfortunate experience of having to explain to her what was going on. As I crawled my way out of the shower trying to dress myself with blood still running down my legs, my mom petrified, she called 911.

The ambulance rushed me to the hospital. My blood pressure remained stable. My heart was pounding against my chest, it was in a state of tachycardia. My hemoglobin levels were low at a 10. The nurse assigned to me immediately set up an IV, took blood and urine. The ER doctor said my hcg levels were now at 1700, they were definitely going down. Another ultrasound scan confirmed the pregnancy was no longer viable. At that point the doctor felt comfortable administering me medication to help with the cramping and bleeding.

They did a pelvic exam. The ER doctor gently used a speculum to open me up and used forceps to remove clots, lots of clots. Once he believed he had gotten them all he could get to my ER nurse took wipes and began cleaning my legs and feet for me. My bleeding began to slow down. My heart rate was still high though. Even after IV fluids my hemoglobin levels had gone down another 2 points. They wanted me to stay overnight, they talked about a possible D&C and blood transfusion.

But I couldn’t stay. My boyfriend at work, my grandma refusing to help and my mom having her own health issues (osteoarthritis & fibromyalgia) I had to make it home to my other kids. I sadly had to sign myself out of the hospital against medical advice. At 2 in the morning I waited for my Uber to take me home. I sat in the backseat of someone’s car wearing the pants I came to the hospital in, soaked and stained with blood. Praying that I didn’t bleed on their seat and get charged a cleaning fee.

I made it home. Shortly afterward my four month old awakened, I went to make him a bottle, feeling weak and dizzy again, I sat on my kitchen floor trying to regain my composure and ability to walk and stand. While sitting there, my heart pounding out of my chest and sounds slowly fading out I blacked out and fainted. I awoke after smacking my forehead and elbow into the high chair and my mom jumping up as quickly as I had ever seen her move in months, crying she said “You fell, you passed out.” I laid on the floor crying and telling her I couldn’t finish making the bottle. My mom made it and gave it to my baby for me.

I forced myself to eat and drink water. Still feeling weak I dragged myself to bed and slept. I woke up the next day feeling tired, my body sore, still a little shaky and weak but somehow I survived. I was lucky. I didn’t need the blood transfusion after all. Somehow my body pulled through on its own, maybe with some help from God or my guardian angel.

I called my Dr office and informed them I miscarried. They said they were sorry for my loss. My Dr will do blood draws every week until my hcg levels return to 0. Then they will know my body did the work of emptying the uterus of all the contents of this pregnancy. My body let go, but my heart is another story.

Physically I know I will heal. This physically pain won’t last forever. There will come a day when my bleeding stops all together. My body will feel great. But my heart doesn’t know better. My heart doesn’t want to let go, it wasn’t ready to say goodbye, when we never even got the chance to say hello.

Emotionally I feel like I’m being tortured, I feel like I’m living a nightmare. I don’t know why this happened to me. I will never have answers. I’m angry with God, why would he take my baby from me? I’m angry with my body for failing me. I want my baby back, but I know that won’t ever happen.

Last night I laid on the floor of my bathtub while water streamed down me from the shower head. I wasn’t even interested in showering. It was just somewhere to go to escape. I put on a strong front all day for my mom and kids but in the shower I cry. I allow the grief to wash over me and the water drowns out my tears. Those gut wrenching, soul crushing, tears, the kind that makes your nose snot up and you feel the lump in your throat and you can literally feel your heart breaking. I prayed to God harder than I ever have before. I prayed for strength. I prayed for comfort and peace. I prayed for understanding. I prayed that God mend my broken heart.

It’s a rollercoaster of emotions honestly. I’m terrified of ever becoming pregnant again. What if this happens again? I don’t know if I can bear this pain again. This pain is unbearable. It’s a pain and emptiness I wouldn’t wish even upon my worst enemy. I know if there ever is a next time I will spend that entire pregnancy in fear. Fear of becoming attached and losing another baby. I never thought it would or could happen to me until it did and now here I am. 1 in 4 is not just a statistic. I am that 1 in 4. And it’s truly heartbreaking. My dreams are shattered. This has got to be the most traumatic experience of my life ever.

On the other side never becoming pregnant again envelopes me in fear as well. What if I become infertile after this? What if I’m never able to achieve pregnancy again? I want my rainbow baby someday. I know my heart will never fully heal until I have my rainbow baby nestled safely in my arms. The thing is I don’t know when/if that will ever happen for me. And so I sit and wait in this limbo of emotional turmoil. Even a rainbow baby would never replace this angel baby of mine. I will always hold onto this sadness to some degree. It will never just go away, I will never stop talking about and remembering my baby. There will never be another day I live that I don’t think of my baby and all the what ifs.

I’m triggered by the foods I ate while pregnant. I’m triggered by the births of healthy newborns and others announcing their pregnancies. Why do they get to keep their baby but I didn’t get to keep mine? That sounds selfish. But it feels unfair. It is unfair. Nothing about this is right or okay. I randomly cry throughout the day, silently.

I don’t even know the gender of my baby. I submitted my ultrasound scan to the Ramzi theory group; 3 boy guesses and 2 girl guesses. I will never know until someday I get to meet my baby in Heaven and hold my baby in my arms. I hope my baby is safe and healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus right now. I hope my baby knows I loved them so so much and wanted them more than anything in this world. I would do anything to have you sweet baby with me again.

This is my story. This is miscarriage. This is what it feels like. There is no simple way of explaining it. I’m part of a special group of women that now have their very own and very special angel watching over them. I will never forget you. In my heart you live forever. Until we meet again...

Positive Pregnancy Test: 06/27/2020

First Ultrasound: 07/14/2020 108 bpm 💓

My Due Date: 03/09/2021

My Miscarriage Date: 08/05/2020

It was such a short time with you but I fell in love with you from the very start and I’ll never stop loving you with every beat of my heart.

“An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered softly as she closed the book, Too beautiful for Earth.”

Fly high angel baby 👼 Mommy loves you 💕