#Oceanlab

[ranzorgraphics]

clear blue water

[haveyouheardthisband]

[knightofleo]

OceanLab | Sirens of the Sea

[k1ngdomfa11]

<3

[0verclocked]

Oceanlab - Satellite

[ruminate88]

Torn between “I’m actively forgiving them” and “It’s getting too painful” ❤️‍🩹 07/16/24

This morning I woke up to the idea “I’m NOT giving up” and I’m NOT but yesterday was bad. I haven’t had a bad day like that in awhile. I just felt done yesterday like I can’t keep going. I was dragging myself all irritated.

Blocking Andrew’s number was right for me and it gave me the freedom to move on to someone else BUT slowly the impact from the abuse has affected me in various ways. There has been times I really believed, “Oh, wasn’t so bad…. I’m ok.” And I AM ok but then other days more wounds come to the surface or more light is shed on other issues and it feels like a never ending process to heal and forgive. Some days I’ve felt I’m just going in circles or else I’m stuck but then other days I feel I’m making so much progress. I just never know what I’m going to get.

This past week especially last night I’m waking in the middle of the night and struggle to get back to sleep. Oddly last week I kept dreaming of Cody when it’s usually Andrew I dream of and then last night it was Jesse 😳 I haven’t dreamt of Jesse in a very long time. Jesse was the first guy I ever liked and tried to date him but never actually dated him, just crushed on him a very long time. I guess the dream meant nothing but idk why I feel so tied to the past 😓 I try so hard to stay grounded in the present but I just can’t connect. I feel like I’m a cellphone just trying so hard to get a good strong signal within myself and my relationships with my loved ones.

The abuse changes you and you can let it be good change or bad. You can become cold and hard or you can just take the valuable lessons you’ve gained and apply them to your life. My fear has been I’ll hurt my husband the way I’ve been hurt because I push so hard to connect to him and feel close and intimate with him but it’s hard to feel it. I’m just choosing to believe it’s there even though I don’t feel him. I know I jumped into marriage with him to escape the pain of Andrew. (Which didn’t fix me) I’m aware I used my husband in that sense BUT I also chose to be his wife and I’m trying to be supportive even when I’m angry inside over the past!! I’m angry that my exes wore a mask to make me look stupid. They have to wear one to cover up all the shame and wounds from their childhood and so they treat me like I’m so stupid they can just use and abuse me but don’t realize how real and genuine my love was and that I also was wounded and abandoned. I felt their pain and while my pain from childhood looks much different than theirs, it’s still pain. I was taught growing up to put others before myself. That’s the difference in us.

I tried to take care of Cody’s broken heart but he shoved me away cuz he can’t help it. He truly can not see beyond his barriers and he can’t see my heart. 😭😭😭 I’m sorry cody for all you went through and for how you were treated as a child. I’m sorry for how your dad did you and that you probably didn’t feel enough for him. However, I’m not sorry for the way I tried to love you regardless of ALL your disorders and insecurities. I can’t change you or make you be a real man. You might’ve never saw an example of a real man growing up, idk what you saw. I only know what you told me and I’m sure some of it was lies.

I loved both Cody and Andrew very much. They played on my heart strings and touched parts of my heart NO one had before. I don’t hate them and I DO want to forgive them and let them be. I feel bad for always talking about them or thinking about them. It’s not negative thoughts so much, it’s just trying to understand and process my feelings for them. Cuz I did love them and knowing they can only hurt me, that sucks. I don’t wanna hurt them back and I do want them to be ok. I hear Andrew’s words in my head, “if I’m hurting you so much, then stop caring about me” 😭😭😭😭 it doesn’t work like that drew!!!!!! You don’t get to tell me if I can feel for you or not. Joke is on you!!! I love you stilll and want you to be a better man. I worry about your soul. That’s my love. I worry about souls who have been in my story.

the fact you are in my story at all, means a great deal to me. Good or bad. You just don’t understand it. Cody and Andrew, you can’t be something you’re not. I accept that. I’m not trying to change “you.” Just be the best you possible, whatever that is and let your soul be made right and well ❤️‍🩹 you’ll never want the same for me but I want it for me. I AM NOT GIVING UP EVEN THOUGH I’M TIRED 🙏🏻

[therabbitsmuse]

Why am I listening to this before bed knowing what it’ll do to my dreams tonight 😭

[argendriel]

Above & Beyond pres. OceanLab - Just Listen

[lilbbyhaiku]

Oceanlab x Above & Beyond typa day ₊˚⊹♡

[diemondmoon]

Leave behind your fears Please believe You will not falter

There's no danger here You can breathe In clear blue water

[k1ngdomfa11]

<3

[notionofvanity]

I recently finished reading a manga called BLAME! and it was so good that I decided that I needed to make a design based on it. I strongly encourage you to read it, it's awesome fr.

I'm actually really satisfied with this design because it looks good on a shirt. I think most of my designs have been more poster-like but I made this one with the intention of putting it on a shirt first and I'm glad I did because it looks good imo.

I'm planning to get this shirt at my Redbubble store I'm just kinda broke rn 😭 so it won't be right away. But once I do get it, I'll post it here so guys can know what it actually looks like irl.

I hope you all have a fantastic day!

BONUS: song of the day -> Satellite - Oceanlab (sewerslvt edit)