#OUGHH this is why i dont even try 馃槶
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Bro i stopped myself from talking about my interests ever and im trying to do it again but NO ONE CARESS
#OUGHH this is why i dont even try 馃槶#WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT MY COOL IGUANA PICTURESS PLEASE#it sucks because i feel like i try so hard to engage with other people about their interests#but then it comes to me and i get like nothing. idk#maybe im wrong im sure people are trying especially if it's something they dont care about but#i just like. stopped showing my entire personality and interests for years on end because i was scared people found me annoying#and this feels like its kind of proving me right 馃槶 i could be much more annoying. trust me#talking#vent#i guess#maybe i have to get more annoying that way people will have to listen to me. much to think about ..
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trying to figure out how long i should wait until i just take the dive and go find a locket (perhaps... a beetle locket even,,,) online and cough up the $20+ CAD flat-rate shipping price,,,
i just want a little locket to wear ,,, have a guz picture in it like a sappy fool,,,, BOY HOWDY DO I FEEL SILLY FOR IT THOUGH DHDKDL
#i gotta figure out how to nut up and take comms fbdjdl#i have such high expectations for myself though fhdksl i need them to be Perfect otherwise i will feel awful receiving money for anything#maybe i should knuckle down and rly work on figuring out art stuff in a more technical way hmmm#try to figure out what exactly is making certain aspects tick so that i can recreate those reliably#AUAAHGGHH i just wanted to find smth on this trip tbh 馃槶 i looked so much for anything bug-themed#but it was all just rly standard dragonfly and butterfly charms and earrings and whatnot fjdksl those are not Special or Interesting...#i like dragonflies a lot dont get me wrong. i just want like... idk. i guess beetle-themed stuff tbh ^^;;#beetles are so cutes... why dont they get more love... little beetle stud earrings would be so cute OUGHH#also idk where to buy stuff anymore bc etsy is garbage and amazon is obviously garbage.#ebay i guess but then shipping is $40+ CAD usually ;-; why is shipping so crazy for like... an envelope sized item...#im also worried like... what if smth happens and I just. somehow get bored of Guz. waugh that makes me sad and scared to think about#but I've had the nickname Junebug in my brain for myself for several years from a previous thing so fhfkdl#i think the beetle thing will stick around for a long time even if ... somehow Guz doesn't#also i just love beetles fjfkdl i always have and i think i likely always will#dandy.cmd#vent //
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Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time
#dont want this to become a vent accoutn but i dont like venting on servers 馃槶#anyway i cant tell whats wrong with me. i dont even know if this is even depression i think i just really hate myself guys#because ive been depressed my whole life and i know what that feels like? maybe its a different kind. i got depression v2.0#but what do i even do about hating myself . like how do i even fix that.#i get mad at myself for not doing anything and then i actually accomplish something and im like. you didnt do it well enough? hello#i think one of my biggest current problems is that i dont like anything. like nothing is enjoyable to me anymore enough to commit to it#but i dont have anything else to do right now so im just sitting around wasting away and starting things but not finishing them#like what am i supposed to do. im not unhappy all the time but nothing is fun im just existing#i was joking but maybe I actually did unlock depression 2#which is another problem because none of my mental illnesses have ever been treated in a helpful way in my entire life#and i have some kind of if not multiple undiagnosed neurodivergences definitely. but im scared to try and get them diagnosed#because the last time i did i got told it was anxiety (IT WAS NOT I DONT HAVE ANXIETY ANYMORE AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS)#and i cant even get anything done because i need help to do anything!#i feel so useless i cant do anything on my own because i just dont care enough id rather just like. sit here and die i guess#like im not even close to being s******* i know what thats like and its so much worse. thats part of why i feel so bad im not even that SAD#i just dont care. i think ssris fucked up my brain can i be real#oughh whatever. rant over back to playing pokemon#vent#talking#can i get an emotion. please one spare emotion#reading all of this back i truly think i just need to be pit on stimulants. but how do i get there i dont even have a psych rn...
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