#OSMP denizens

[antimony-medusa]

OSMP Denizens Get A Haircut

Tubbo: Has to be bribed by friends, family, and/or loved ones to sit still (someone sits on him), and they cut his hair as fast as possible. Usually this looks like he lost a fight with a weed wacker. He thinks it looks great and sees no problems with this technique.

Ranboo: Hasn’t been able to find anyone good enough to replace the royal barber, cuts it himself with the aid of many mirrors and a pair of nail scissors. This process takes an entire evening, involves several weeping meltdowns, and usually looks very good. He has many problems with this technique.

TommyInnit: Phil cuts it. He uses a straight razor. Everyone else thinks this is terrifying. Tommy thinks his dad is just cooler and more deadly than yours. 

WilburSoot: He goes to a fancy barber and pays him extra so he can collect the hair and use it in potions (phantom body parts are useful, magically). He has not told anyone that he’s using his hair in potions. The barber is paid enough to not ask questions. 

Badlinu: The absolutely cheapest haircut he can find. Gets his hair cut (buzzed) for 2.95 by a guy in the back of a pizza parlour that’s a front for the mob.

Philza: Gets his hair cut by someone in the mob, but they’re an expert with a razor who also kills people on the side. This person loves their work. They still work out of a pizza parlour. 

Jack Manifold: Bald.

Shubble: Went to a professional salon once, asked lots of questions, now styles and colours her hair in her kitchen every so often. She makes a day of it, lights nice candles, has friends over.

CaptainSparklez: Military regulation haircut every two weeks. Quarter inch sides, half an inch on the top, buzzed around the bottom.

James Marriot:  He’s a cat, it just kinda goes to one length and not longer. He did have it shaved by Wilbur when he was sleeping, once. It did not look good.

Niki Nihachu: Shubble cuts it for her, she’s trying to convince her to add extra colours, but right now Niki’s happy with the pink. They have a lovely spa day together.

Jschlatt/Fragrance Man/Man: Fragrance Man has a bowl cut he does himself, and then he hacks bangs into it. Absolute nightmare to look at, worse than his spider legs.

Charlie Slimecicile: Hair is slime, every night he just pulls it into two handfuls above his ears and squeezes off the long bits. 

Sneegsnag: Has a home-buzzed mohawk. No one has commented on it because of the hood. He resents this. 

Smajor: Hair resets to short when he dies. He’s trying to grow it out. 

Technoblade: Has never cut his hair. If the universe wants his hair to be shorter, a stray mob can slash at it or something.

Fundy: Has never technically planned to cut his hair, he wants to grow it out. He keeps getting it set on fire and then has to even it out, complaining the whole time. 

Beau Beautie_: Cuts her hair with a steak knife in the kitchen at 2am.

[perennialtide]

Tubbo really made a server backstory joke about a giant flood and the slowly arising weird ground and I sat thinking about the post dsmp coliseum and Mizu and the giant incoming flood for half an hour

No, but legitimately? I am so down with the story of the world being the Mizu flood wiping out the entirety of civilization, and then that weird post apocalyptic adventure time beat period comes, which is osmp, with mutant denizens and insane and different terrains all over

The fact that you genuinely can make a cohesive timeline with smp earth, dsmp, osmp, and all of the tftsmp events throughout it? I love it sm. Be it "canon" or whatever; it makes so much sense and I love it to death

[antimony-medusa]

OSMP Denizens Sleeping Habits

Ranboo: She has carefully set up a four-poster bed with purple (has to be purple) hangings, and little gold chains. She sleeps in a lovely set of lacy pajamas with an eye mask and hand-cream gloves. About half of the time one of her bed posts falls on the bed while she’s asleep and she comes awake in a furious panic.

TommyInnit: He’s very convinced that it’s a nice nest and will proclaim this loudly, but like, it’s mostly a lot of sticks covered in moss. He stuffs shed feathers in the cracks, and curls up in a quilt he stole from Phil, and snores very loudly.

Niki Nihachu: She has a kelp bed that she carefully moors herself in, so after a nice hot snack (Jack’s got her in the hot drink trend), and taking care that her pet crabs and axolotls are safe, she ties herself in place and drifts off to sleep.

Tubbo: Passes out in random locations.

Philza: Has a very nice nest up high with a careful mattress-and-quilt base to it (the quilt is from his wife), and artfully woven sides, and he can lean over the side and spy on everyone if he needs to.

Jack Manifold: He drinks a hot drink and puts on his thermal pajams (he does not have the ones with a butt flap and if Tommy said so he was lying, these are made of asbestos and they’re very dignified), and he curls up in a shallow lava bath and he sleeps with his mouth open, drooling.

Sneegsnag: He has bored a hole in a tree, it is very sweet and cute and cottagecore inside-- acorn table, leaf bed, water drop dispenser, sugar dispenser. He goes on a sugar-high craze about once a week and wrecks it cause he’s moving too fast and has to bore a new hold and rebuild. The tree is becoming structurally unstable.

Smajor: It’s just a single bed, but it’s set right up underneath a skylight so the stars can see him. He has space-patterned sheets, and sleeps with a tape of ocean noise, and a hot water bottle, cause he’s cold.

Badlinu: He has a New and Modern nest of his own design, which is mostly a crate of 2 by 4s set up around a walmart single mattres and comforter (he does not have sheets on the bed). You have to climb up the side and worm between the boards and the ceiling and then fall onto the bed. He insists he sleeps soundly in this.

CaptainSparklez: King-sized bed, high thread-count egyptian linen, aromatherapy setup, white noise machine, yoga before bed, turning off his phone an hour before bed and reading a paper book, 10:30 bedtime. Or that’s what he’s supposed to do. Half the time he falls into bed at 3am because he’s been playing COD too late and sleeps on top of the covers.

Technoblade: He has a warren and if someone (tommy) manages to work their way into it they’ll find a very ordinary ikea-furnished bedroom in a logical place for a bedroom. He does not sleep there, he has a very secret futon with carrot-printed sheets and a gold-ore-printed duvet, that is in a classified location. No one (no one) gets to know where that is.

Fundy: Logically, you should not be able to get to his bed with the amount of stolen items there are crammed into his bedroom. It should not work. He manages it anyway, and he sleeps curled around and inside the most valuable thing he possesses currently, which is Captain Sparklez’s netherite armour. The captain thinks he misplaced it, but no. Fundy is cuddling it while he sleeps.

Shubble: She didn’t know what bedrooms were supposed to look like so she googled “cute bedrooms” and recreated the top hit. Wilbur and Jack both helped build it, sniping at each other the whole time. It’s adorable and has many cushions on the bed.

Beau Beautie_: Has decided that she doesn’t want to sleep in a nest, so she has a bedroom that is a careful imitation of Shubble’s Pinterest-Inspired room, including the huge collection of pillows. Most of the time she has to use the pillows to make a little nest so she can stay asleep, but she’s determined to ignore that.

Wilbur Soot: Has a little nest set up in a dark room. Big soundproof curtains on the windows drape over the woven sides of the nest, and sometimes he gets them tangled up with the quilt. He has a switch charging port set up for when he gets nightmares, which happens fairly frequently.

Jschlatt/Fragrance Man/Man: Drinks a fifth of whiskey, sleeps in his vestments on the couch. Like he has a bed but it’s used to store laundry and a cat. He doesn’t sleep super well, but he wakes up still drunk, so he’s not hungover.

James Marriot: Didn’t want to take the time to build a bed, is secretly sleeping in Schlatt’s bed when he’s not looking. He doesn’t sleep super well either, and somehow he does wake up with a hangover despite not having drunk the night before.

Charlie Slimecicile: Bucket.

[antimony-medusa]

OSMP Denizens Invite People Over For Dinner

Idea from @yellowsomethings 

WilburSoot: He loves to have people over. There’s an elaborate proceedure for inviting people over where he plans a nice menu, and then he hand-makes invites to give to people, and then he stresses himself out for two days and shreds the invites as too much, and then he forgets what he’s doing and invites people over while stumbling along being rescued from dying in the nether again. And then he regrets inviting people over once he’s home for at least six hours, will panic while cooking right up until the moment the doorbell rings, is a flawless host while serving the chicken cordon blue, lemony spring asparagus, infused rice, and raspberry mouse, and will panic while cleaning up. 

Charlie Slimecicile: Jello Salads. He found a recipe book once that had a whole section on “savoury salads” and he loves it. One of them has tuna in it. People have been known to pretend to pass out when he brings out the fourth dish, because he will be serving between five and eleven dishes. 

Fundy: It’s a really electic mix, really! Sometimes it’s homemade apple pie, sometimes it’s exotic salads, sometimes it’s coq a vin— this is because it is exclusively stolen from other people’s fridges. He stole from Charlie once, when he was new to the server, and there was open revolt at the dinner table. Now it is only the finest of food stolen from say, Niki’s fridge.

Niki Nihachu: She invites people over for lunch and serves poke bowls, on the beach. There are lots of mixed drinks and Jack has helped her find the incredients for vegan bowls for some of the people. Part of the experience is the catching of the Tuna and/or octopus, which people are welcome to join her for in the water if they want (tridents provided), while Jack chops vegetables and makes rice. 

Ranboo: Ranboo does not entertain. She wants to entertain. She can’t cook well enough to entertain. Tubbo asked why she didn’t get things catered, and she rudely said that nothing came up to her standard and then went home and frantically researched every food company and also what overworld parties are like. The next place that opens up she is going to invite people over and she is going to wear her best dress and she is going to show them what a real party can be like. She has checklists. There will be icebreaker games and decorations and hostess gifts will be required and there will be little finger foods. She’s considering paying a new catering company to open up.

Beau Beautie_: Fried chicken. She says it’s real fresh. She will not answer questions about where she got the chicken. (It’s real good, don’t think too hard about it.) There is nothing other than fried chicken on the menu. She’s thinking of opening a catering company.

Philza: Coq au vin, garlic mashed potatoes and a mixed green salad, chocolate mousse cake for dessert, assigned seating at the table, incredible wine list, gift baggies to take home after the meal. He does the proper recipe with the hand-peeled pearl onion and the 48 hours of prep time. It’s delicious. It is a wonderful and just a bit stressful evening. He’s just so intense about everything. He also doesn’t answer questions about where he got the chicken. 

Tubbo: Spagetti and Meatballs and Garlic Bread. It’s always Spagetti and Meatballs and Garlic Bread, including the time people came over for breakfast. It’s really good food, but someone once asked why it wasn’t something else, and he said “non-apians don’t like honey” and everyone realized he never actually eats the Spagetti and Meatballs and Garlic Bread and it all got a little awkward. There’s a Piñata at the end of the meal, and sometimes there’s prizes in there, and sometimes there’s firecrackers.

Jack Manifold: Tapas menu. You’re invited to come over at four if you want, to have a glass of wine and watch the cooking, which will proceed in a leisurely fashion until the first plates are offered at 7. More plates are offered until, probably, 11. Marinated mushroom bites. Little quiches. Fig and honey crostini. Patatas bravas with two aoilis. Garlic shrimps in a lemon-butter sauce. Tiny churros with chocolate sauce. Individual empanadas. You will drink at least a bottle of wine yourself and you will not need to eat the next day.

Jschlatt/Fragrance Man/Man: Barbecue, but exclusively with one of those five-gallon jugs of BBQ sauce that’s basically extra-sugared catsup that you get at Walmart, and he cranks the propane to max and just incinerates the food. Your chicken will be pink on the inside. Bizzarely his mac and cheese is incredible though, and there is no end to the beer. 

Shubble: It’s a sushi-making party! She makes sure to have vegan and vegetarian options, and the whole spectrum of sushi experience from people who are like “please give me urchin roe” to people who are like “I don’t really like, uh, fish”. The playlist is immaculately curated, the decorations are beautiful, desert is one of those incredible layered cakes that you see on Bake-off that has mouse and chopped fruit and you have to cut with an incredibly sharp knife.

Sneegsnag: he does colour-themed parties and everything served is that colour. For example the Orange Party featured orange soda, doritos and cheese-its, cheese powder you can dip carrots in, and orange slices that are vodka shots in the peel of an orange. Takes the entire server out for at least three days as everyone recovers, but the parties are, it must be admitted, absolute bangers.

Smajor: Fresh sourdough bread (homemade), and soup (also homemade), and little quiches (homemade), and a tray of four kinds of cookies (all homemade). He seems baffled at the suggestion that any of these things could be made in any way that doesn’t start with grinding your own wheat and churning your own butter. He’s kinda sad that you suggested that. He can try harder next time, he’ll grow his own herbs! He’ll gather his own salt! He can do better!

Badlinu: He organizes a meeting and asks you to bring a dish. After the fifth person of the night arrives, carrying a dish, you realize he’s organized a potluck. He has not brought any of the dishes. Somehow there’s a cleaning rotation too at the end, which you are on and he is not. You brought him a hostess gift too. He hosted a dinner party and came out twenty dollars and a bottle of mead richer. 

James Marriot: Invites you over, and then halfway through the third casserole of the night (you glimpse into the kitchen and there are so many cans by the sink), he breaks out the slide show to recruit you into his latest multi-level-marketing campaign. It’s a different one from last time so you can’t say you already saw it and you know you don’t want in. He insists this pitch is targetted directly to you. You can see from the counter that the dish you are eating is made of canned mushroom soup, canned tuna, canned beans, and canned onion. 

Technoblade: Orders McDonalds for everybody, and if you don’t bring a hostess gift (carrots) you’re not getting in. Absolutely hypnotizing list of youtube videos queued up to watch during the meal, people eat their fries in fascinated silence and watch someone blow glass and perform shakespeare (rapped) simultaneously. Dinner never takes more than 45 minutes, and then he will turn the lights off to get people to leave. 

CaptainSparklez: He gets really stressed about entertaining because he doesn’t think it’s worth inviting people over for anything other than a seven-course meal with an extensive wine list, live music performance, and a charitable component. Your invite will come with a dress code. 

TommyInnit: Omelettes. He’ll tell you all about the eggs (he laid the eggs), with a point-by-point renactment of how he laid the eggs, and how they’re the best eggs. They are really good omelettes, Shubble helps him with the fillings.

[antimony-medusa]

I want to do another of those OSMP Denizens posts, but I don’t know what about? I will take suggestions.

[antimony-medusa]

Caught between the desire to blaze a MCYT post (touch the stove), write more of my stories (abandon existing projects to make a bad craft for my wall), and make another OSMP denizens post (eat an entire sleeve of oreos).