#ON ME? like shut up youre so self centered and homophobic. my friend wishes you were dead

[mbat]

you ever meet someone and you just know they were a school bully

[thequietuptown]

As a guy, how can I effectively call out other men's shitty behavior when I see it?

Hello friend,

This is such a great question, and thank you for adopting a great ally mindset. I've written about calling out racism and bigotry before, and I'll include that response below, because I think a lot of the same practices apply.

A lot of men have bought into some of the narratives supplied by a toxic view of masculinity, and it can be really frustrating and disappointing to see your close friends kind of go on auto-pilot and promote those harmful beliefs/behaviors without ever stopping to think about it. We hear our friends make inappropriate comments, or ply people with alcohol well after they've tried to establish boundaries. We see our brothers pester people into dates, unable to take no for an answer. We see men that we love compartmentalize and shut down because they think being strong means not showing any emotions, when we know true strength means acting with integrity in the face of adversity. In any of those cases, unchallenged assumptions are at play, and those men deserve better than to be told that's how they should act.

Whenever you see or hear something that you feel needs to be stopped, there are four things to keep in mind. First, try not to hesitate. This doesn't mean you should put him on the spot in a way that makes him feel like you think he's a bad person (even if you do think that) because that could just lead to him getting defensive and doubling down on his actions, or it could make the other people around feel ashamed or embarrassed. Rather, it means calling attention to the problematic behavior as close to its occurrence as is possible to do so in a safe manner, and to be able to pinpoint what exactly you found problematic. If you can't have that conversation right then and there, call attention to it by saying something along the lines of "Hey now..." or "Ouch," anything that will stick out in his mind as a response to his actions/comments.

Second, tell him his behavior isn't okay with you. A lot of the time we fall into the trap of saying things like "she's somebody's sister/daughter," and, while that may be well-intentioned, it also erases the fact that she's a person and the acceptability of the behavior in question isn't based on her perceived gender. Also, the creation of a hypothetical woman generally won't stop the behavior if he just doesn't respect women. Take ownership of the fact that his actions made you uncomfortable, so that he can't just write it off.

Third, make sure the confrontation isn't an attack. Regardless of whether or not we think it might be deserved, punishment generally isn't a great way to correct behavior. Be vulnerable with him when having the conversation, and take the time to calmly educate him on why his behavior was troubling.

Finally, if other people are around and you can't pull him aside to have that conversation in a safe way, ask questions that will get him to think about his actions or words. My go to questions in these situations are "Why do you say that?" or "Did you mean to do that?" This goes back to the unchallenged assumptions I mentioned earlier. A lot of us act or speak without thinking, especially when we're relying on those toxic narratives. These questions give him an opportunity to immediately reflect on what he just said/did, and with any self-awareness, he might correct himself in the moment. It gives him an opportunity to save face without aggressively putting him on the spot.

It's difficult to challenge other men's behavior on your own, but it is so important to have a familiar voice be that driving force for change. I wish you the best in establishing these boundaries around you.

With love, friend.

Below is the aforementioned post confronting bigoted remarks:

It seems these days that bigoted remarks are becoming more and more commonplace. With the current political climate and figureheads in power, it seems we cannot go one day without hearing something awful slip from someone’s mouth around us. It can be hard to speak up, and, let’s face it, it can be dangerous. It can invite a world of problems into our lives simply because we are trying to do the right thing. But you know who has it worse? The people that are the targets of such remarks.

I’m not saying to put your neck on the line. In any given situation, your safety and security, both physical and emotional, should come first, but there are things that you can do. The Southern Poverty Law Center has a great guide to Responding to Everyday Bigotry. They break it down into categories about how to deal with co-workers, neighbors, family members, you name it. So I would invite you to take a look at that, if you have the time and you are serious about speaking up.

But, as with any conflict, preparedness is key. You know it’s going to happen again so think about what you’re going to say in advance. Don’t stoop to their level and resort to name calling. Even try to avoid using words like racist or sexist, even though their words may very well be those things. This will put up walls and may open you up to some backlash. Asking open-ended questions is a good way to start a conversation to see if they can put the pieces together themselves. My go to question is “Why do you say that?” because it makes the person stop and actually think about the words they have said, which might be something they are not used to doing. I had a friend in high school who would say “Get your life together” any time he heard a homophobic remark. That’s a little bit more aggressive than what I would be comfortable with, but find something that works for you.

Another thing you can do is try to create a safe space around you. If this is something happening in your work environment, put up a poster or flier that says that your personal space if a safe space. If you notice recurring behaviors, set limits. Tell them, “Please don’t tell those jokes/make those remarks. At the very least don’t make them around me.” Most importantly find and be an ally. There’s safety in numbers, and it is easier to confront someone on their casual bigotry when you know someone has your back.

I know it’s scary, but remember: you’re doing the right thing. If you are getting offended when it’s not aimed at you, it’s taking its toll. Don’t let it. Remaining silent is surrendering a part of yourself and letting those attitudes continue unchecked. If you need that ally, I am here for you.

With love, friend.

[drake-the-incubus]

What’s Bad for You is Good for Me

Or otherwise called, conflicting needs in representation. Which is most certainly a thing.

Sometimes we have specific needs ton representation that isn’t met due to certain circumstances. Recently I posted something about how Lazy Eyes are portrayed as inherently ableist, despite the fact I grew up with it being incredibly disabling and being treated poorly for having one, and in a discussion with other people, have been told they feel the same way.

Today, I saw a post about how someone being transphobic, complained about how trans characters gave him dysphoria. While he was incredibly transphobic about him, I realized that there’s intersectionality on representation no one really talks about.

We don’t talk about how it’s weird to define representation as good and bad depending on how stereotyped it looks. We just sort of do it.

Like, for example, a flamboyantly gay, gender-nonconforming man who is very open about his sexuality and might even be sexual. This is considered a horrible stereotype. I... I've known gay men like that who genuinely enjoyed the nice representation of those characters.

I think the issue is the difference between how it's played off, and why it's being done. And I'll use a few examples.

Power Puff Girls has the Devil who suspiciously borders on a transmisogynistic and homophobic stereotype, being a villain. The femininity that the character displays is part of the villainous routine, and there's not much to the character outside of this. When the character feels like it, he drops his femininity to become masculine and aggressive. Top it off with being the devil, it's pretty bad. This is bad representation, if not for the villain part, then for the fact that there's no substance to it at all.

Which is actually what the problem with representation usually is. It's two-dimensional, and it's villanizing. The character is not only that way because it makes them more villainous, but it also helps make us look horrifying to the viewers.

What changes when you include Lil Nas X's recent release, MONTERO (Call me by your name)? It's a form of self-expression and it's inherently fighting back against the need to sanitize oneself for an oppressing class. It's fighting back against the idea that in order to exist, we need to be pure. To be accepted into heaven we atone for being gay. It's a rejection of Modern Religion and society's base treatment of us.

And it's necessary. We can't have the soft, loving, sanitized rep. It can suit plenty of us. Being accepted into heaven- in spite of our flaw of being gay? I've been told that before- isn't what everyone wants. In order to have reached acceptance, we must not readily display the "bad" part of ourselves.

If a straight woman was to want for a dude, it's highly more accepted than if a man were to do it. Regardless of the man's input?

I can't go to a conversation, openly as a trans man, and discuss my attraction to men as a man, and not get shut down, "because it's weird" but I do have to sit there and hear talk about anime boobs. Sometimes for hours. Because you know, that's acceptable in society, me liking men as a dude isn't.

And the thing is, neither is bad. A gay man being openly sexual and open about his sexuality in media, so long as it's not his defining trait and he's not demonized for it in the media- aka villainizing a gay man who is flamboyantly gay and gnc is very common- it's good.

A gay man who is soft, caring and understanding for his partner, emotionally mature and shies away from his sexuality is also good. It's not representation I need, but for younger audiences it is.

A gay man who is selective in his men vs a man who isn't. We need both.

Representation makes us feel human. Like we're not horrible for existing, and one set is never going to be enough.

For example. I'm a very androgynous trans man. I wear dresses and makeup.

I enjoy the feminine trans characters because they can exist and so can I. I also enjoy the masculine trans characters.

I hate the written trans experience and I absolutely cannot stand fanfiction regarding trans man, regardless of which it is.

It's dysphoria-inducing. Why? Because it focuses on the aspect of being trans rather than the aspect of existing as a man, and those aspects tend to center around dysphoria or being AFAB. Either way, the experience is uncomfortable for me to interact with and can really bother me.

That form of representation isn't for me. I live the trans experience. I don't need it in my media. I want a person who lives the average life and happens to be trans. Where being trans isn't the center of the story.

Other people need it the exact opposite, and if being trans isn't integral it bothers them. They feel like being trans is on a higher level of their identity and their rep needs to reflect that.

In fact, I talked to another trans friend of mine, who said that the kind of stories that focus on the body being AFAB was reaffirming to them and it helped them along. They loved content like that. Where as I couldn't bear it, it caused me issues and I saw it personally as harmful.

The thing about rep isn't actually the stereotypes, most of the time. IE a feminine trans man character isn't bad rep, so long as he's an actual human being.

I also think the person making it and the intent behind the character are important.

Example 1: A cis woman who makes a trans woman villain the epitome of masculinity who is pretending to be a woman, and is defeated by a woman, is just bad rep.

Why? Because a) it targets and puts down another minority to uplift women. b) it intentionally tries to erase trans women from being women. c) it reinforces the stereotype that trans women are just men trying to pretend to be women and are inherently violent. d) it demonized masculine trans women who may have been denied- or do not want- to medically transition.

Example 2: Created by someone who is LGBT+ with input from a trans man. A trans man is flamboyantly gay, talks about how much he loves men quite a lot, and is known for being fairly feminine. He enjoys hobbies such as boating and fishing, and his story is about connecting with his community and accepting himself as a person without needing to give a part of himself up.

Is example 2 real? I hope it is, I'd enjoy that. But this is good rep. Yes, it plays on stereotypes, but this is a person. Their story is about their identity and they have traits outside of the stereotype. For a flamboyantly gay trans man, this would be perfect. If you challenged toxic masculinity in the movie and addressed how trans men feel the need to overperform into toxic masculinity for acceptance and how it ruins our connections with our emotions, it would be pretty great.

Example 3: Created based on a real person. A character who is clearly autistic, and struggles with communication, who acts childish and clearly has a prominent lazy eye. This character struggles with tasks but gets them right. This is done with input and the person's input

Bad Rep?

If you said yes you'd be wrong. A character based on a real human being can't be bad representation. Because a) they're human, and b) there's a nuance to people that needs to be addressed.

Human beings will never be a monolith and having a monolith idea of representation to show oppressors what we're like ignores the fact of human diversity.

I can only speak for myself. This means the topic of race and how to handle racial issues in media vs the sanitization of the culture people of colour have, is not one I can speak on, and I wish I could have input on it.

I'll add if I'm not cohesive enough, it's usually because of Autism and possible Comorbid ADHD fighting each other.

If someone better at the topic can handle this, feel free to reblog and add on, I'll reblog additions and reply to any concerns made.

[dyscrasia-eucrasia]

<<Prev | Next>>

Part 12

Occasionally, Demie and Elaine would eat dinner together. Not often - both were loners, and either ate their food in their room or just got hungry at different times. 

It wasn't that they didn't like one another - far from it, in fact. They were each other's closest and oldest friend, and they knew things about one another that they would never want another living soul to hear about. But they were also both awkward when it came to social interaction, and used to Marius being the glue that held them together and the voice that dominated most conversations. Without him, the trailer was painfully quiet, with no one willing to break the silence. 

By a stroke of luck, though, every once in a while they would come into the kitchen at the same time, and sit at the same table, and have a meal together. 

Demie was already at the kitchen table, eating a wrap he had bullshitted together from whatever vegetables he could find in the fridge, when Elaine came out of her room and started rummaging through cupboards. 

"Damn," she said aloud. "I need to go shopping." 

"Yeah, I thought for a minute there that I was gonna be forced to eat meat," Demie said through a mouthful of food. 

"I'll go grocery shopping tomorrow," she replied. "Anything in particular you want?" 

"Yeah, could you go by the feed store and get me one of those mineral bags? I've had this massive craving for salt." 

"Sure," she said. She pulled out a pack of instant ramen and set about boiling a pot of water. "Anything else?" 

"Hmm. Beets. And some pickling spices. I wanna pickle something. Almost time to dig up my carrots." 

Demie had a small garden in the land behind the trailer. It wasn't much - not nearly enough to keep either of them fed year-round - but it was a welcome hobby. Something to keep him occupied, especially now that he couldn't go to the video store anymore. 

On that thought…

"Can you run by the video store, too? I need some--"

"Please do not make me pick up porn for you. For the love of God." 

"Why not?" 

"It's embarrassing. And it's not like you need it." 

"It's like three months until the Bacchanalia, and it's not like I can just go into town and get laid. I need to bust a nut to something." 

"Gross," Elaine mumbled, going over to the fridge. There was a single egg left in a cartoon, so she pulled it out and cracked it into the pot with her ramen. 

"Not my fault you're a frigid prude," Demie muttered back. 

Elaine exhaled loudly, pinching the bridge of her nose. It was a tic of hers, whenever she wanted to say something but was holding back for the sake of not starting a fight. Demie took it as a signal to shut the fuck up. 

He ate in silence for a while as Elaine transferred her ramen to a bowl and sat down at the table across from him. The 70s diner-style chair groaned under her. It, like a lot in the trailer, needed to be replaced. But money was too tight to make any major changes or to bring in brand-new furniture or fixtures. Elaine worked hard, and had taken on the second job at the hardware store just to try to make ends meet. Demie felt guilty for not contributing, but what could he do? 

"Hey," Elaine said, as she poked around her food. 

"Hay's for horses," Demie replied. 

"Haha." She took a bite of food, slurping her noodles. She never bit them, and it drove Demie nuts. 

"What's up?" He asked after a few moments of silence. 

"Did I hear you playing Achilles' Lament?" She asked. "Are you working on the album again?" 

"Hm? No. I was just playing it for Angel." 

She looked up at him, her expression indecipherable. 

"What?" He asked. 

"You're gonna break that poor guy's heart," she said, looking back down at her bowl. 

"What? How?" 

"You're stringing this poor gay guy along, talking to him at 2am, singing him ballads… He's gonna start thinking that something's going on when it isn't." 

"No he's not," Demie replied. "It's not like, a gay thing. We're just bros. You should be happy, you keep saying I'm a homophobe, but here I am, having a totally normal friendship with a gay guy." 

She put her fork down. "Demie," she said. Her tone was serious, and he didn't like it. "What are you going to do if this guy tries to make a move on you?" 

"He won't," Demie replied, bristling. He didn't even want to entertain the idea. Angel was just a friend, he wouldn't do anything. At least, that was what he kept telling himself. Because he really liked talking to Angel. But the thought of a guy trying to hit on him was disgusting, and he didn't want to think that Angel would ruin their friendship like that. 

"He wanted me to come visit him and hang out," Demie said after a moment. 

"I'm not driving you out to Charleston," Elaine said. "Not unless it's for a show. After that video, you can't show your face anywhere unless it's a show." 

"I know," Demie said. "I told him that. Well… not that, specifically. But I told him you wouldn't drive me out there." 

"Good." 

"So I was thinking of inviting him out here." 

Elaine looked up at him again. She'd been doing a lot of that. Demie wished she would make up her mind - either look at him, or her food. Not keep switching between them as if what he was saying was shocking. 

"Does he know about your whole deal?" 

"No." 

"Demie, I really need you to think this through--" 

"I'm gonna tell him. Eventually. I trust him." 

"Demie…" 

"Gods, could you just let me have this?" Demie snapped. "Fuck's sake, you are literally the only friend I've ever had, can you please let me just have one more? Or are you jealous that he's gonna take me away like that exec took Marius?" 

"Shut up," Elaine muttered. 

"I miss him too, okay?" Demie continued. "More than you do, since he's my brother, not just my friend." 

"Fuck off!" Elaine exclaimed. 

"Well, good thing for you," Demie went on, voice rising, "I'm too fucking chickenshit to leave this shithole trailer, so you don't have to worry about me leaving you like he did!" 

"You self-centered prick!" Elaine shouted back. "This isn't about Marius, this is about you! Your fucking safety! I don't care if you make another friend, I just don't want you to show up dead on some cryptid-hunting blog or something!" 

"I'm not going to!"

"Then stop acting like a fucking idiot!" 

They fell into a tense silence, Elaine stabbing at her noodles with a fork, Demie sitting very still except for his flaring nostrils. 

"You know you and Mar mean the world to me, right?" Elaine eventually said, her tone much more gentle than before. 

"...I know," Demie replied, his tone also softer. 

"I just don't want to see you get hurt." 

"I know." 

They fell into another silence, awkwardly going back to eating. 

"...D'you maybe wanna run through the Troy album after you're done?" Demie asked. 

"I'd love to."

[fyeahwynonnaearp]

What Just Happened?!?: Gonna Getcha Good (S02E03)

After watching the opening scene a bajillion times and telling myself “Calm down, Flaming Ladybug”, I ended up rewatching the episode a grand total of six times in order to get my thoughts in order. And boy! did I miss a crap ton of stuff. Before I delve in, let’s get some minor stuff out of the way:

New Character(s)

Tucker Gardner (Caleb Ellsworth-Clark): The youngest Gardner sibling and the “town pervert” according to eldest sister Mercedes. He gives out creepy vibes and was choked out by Gooverly for being homophobic. Beth Gardner (@meghanheffern): The middle Gardner child and, as stated by big sis Mercedes, the “directionless shut-in”. She seems to be super protective of baby brother. No matter how creepy and pervy he gets.

Monster(s) of the Week

Marzaniok, Bringer of Good and Bad Fortune, or “Marzipan”, as Wynonna calls it: First emerged 10 years ago from the trophy case of Purgatory High, or did it? Honestly, all we know was a group of 17-year-old hockey players got high and summoned the burlap-wearing creature via a spell given to them by their tired-of-losing-all-the-time coach. Next thing they know? There was a Wizard of Oz reject coming from the trophy case and granting their wishes, until it started hunting them down.

Final Thoughts (No Spoilers)

This was an episode that needed so many re-watches, and not because of the glorious cheerleading sequence. It may not have been obvious, but this episode was very Nicole-centered and may as well have been titled “Nicole and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”. 

It’s nice and refreshing to see Nicole outside of Wayhaught. We know Nicole as the thoughtful and supportive girlfriend, even when she was upset with the whole BBD un-deputizing thing. We get a peek into who she is without Waverly. BTW, Nicole Haught is awesomely unapologetic and sticks to what she believes in, even if it means standing up to her boss and her girlfriend’s scary older sis. Plus, we get a hint into why and how she ended up in Purgatory. More importantly, this episode sets her up to perhaps being responsible for putting down one of the Big Bads of the season; the Gardners. Meaning, she has her own storyline separate from her girlfriend, the Earp curse, and the BBD. Kudos to the writers, that’s how you treat “the girlfriend” becoming a series regular! (Even if I’m a tad disappointed Katherine Barrel doesn’t show up in the opening credits).

Favorite quote: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land? --Officer Nicole Haught to Sheriff Nedley.

Now, head on under the cut for spoiler-laden theories and discourse!

10 Things That Happened/I Learned (in no particular order)

1. Gooverly is a klepto, likes shiny things, and is quickly becoming a hoarder. Also, though Gooverly may or may not have a crush on Officer Haught-stuff, the goo demon(?) definitely ain’t got time for homophobic bullshit. Most importantly, Waverly has no memory of her dark-eyed, spider-snacking, lipstick-eating, hulking-out self.

2. People in Purgatory pretend the town isn’t overrun with demons. Like, seriously?! Anyways, Nedley worked hard to recruit Nicole, who graduated top of her class in the Big City, to work for him because he’s grooming her to be the next Sheriff to protect the ordinary, non-werewolf citizens of Purgatory. I’m all for Sheriff Haught, but is there a reason why he recruited Nicole specifically? There has to be a reason other than her being smart and having good instincts for him to decide she would be the perfect person to police a town that is full of paranormal events and creatures.

3. The Gardners are important to Purgatory. It is clearly building up more to be than just being the rich family in town. Mercedes mentions that her (recently deceased?) parents left the majority of their fortune to the town. Plus, a community center in their name is being built. An important location for later on? Plus, there has to be a reason why Nedley made a file on Tucker and then saying he’s been playing a ‘long game’.

4. Dolls’ serum needs the pure blood of a demon. What exactly is the serum for and it seems like it doesn’t matter which demon. Would Gooverly’s blood work? Because when they signed that BBD contract, the camera panned to Waverly’s blood when it was her turn. Hopefully, we will get some answers in the next episode considering Dolls came back.

5. Wynonna definitely is having some thoughts about Wayhaught. She thinks Waverly is once again putting her significant other first, like how it was when she was with Champ. Wynonna is definitely protective of Waverly, to the point that she brushes off the new weirdness and just blames it on Nicole. However, at the end, she does asks Waverly if she was okay, but I think Wynonna was referring to the fighting with Nicole.

6. Doc is making Dolls’ serum with Rosita’s help. But, I’m still not clear on what exactly Dolls whispered to Doc when they were breaking him out of BBD site. Did Dolls tell Doc about Rosita and the whole “tell her” had nothing to do with Wynonna at all? I need to watch that episode again.

7. Waverly was giving Nicole a private show, was not wearing underwear, goes “on patrol” with her lady, and Wayhaught may or may not have panty-less role-play with Nicole wearing her uniform....Pass it on.

8. At least one of the Women in Black escaped from the BBD crate explosion from episode one. We know few things about them, such as smelling like Mama Earp and Willa (same perfume). The question is why were they at the Gardner residence and kill Mercedes? We first see them at the condo/building that Mercedes bought and where the broken seal is located. Other than Wynonna, Mercedes was also the only other person that the Women in Black haunted (or hunted?). 

9. Dolls knows something is up with Waverly. How soon will Dolls inform Wynonna about Gooverly and will she believe him? I only hope that the gang also talks to Nicole and not shut her out.

10. Someone/Something broke out of the seal. Throughout the entire episode, Wynonna keeps looking for whatever broke out of the seal. Previously, Earl mentioned being drawn to protecting it. This makes me think back to season 1 when Juan Carlo mentioned that the Ghost River Triangle not only keeps things in, but also keeps things out. It is a sanctuary from things that were kept out, but are now in because of Willa. Makes sense if the Ghost River Triangle (which is a really huge area that goes beyond Purgatory), is a sanctuary for some creatures (i.e. the werewolf citizens) and why people just pretend it isn’t overrun by demons. I hope this gets explored more before the end of this season.

Let’s take a moment to remember those we lost in this episode...

IN MEMORIAM

Mercedes Gardner: Bitch, I will always remember you for being an awesome friend to Wynonna and for putting your creepy baby brother in his place, no matter how short lived it was. I really do hope that your neck wasn’t snapped by the Lady Gaga hand because you’re a crazy, awesome bitch! B-Train: Honestly, I’m adding you because Wynonna likes your nickname. Kudos though for managing to rip out your liver with just your bare hand. Like, damn!