#OKAYY 4TH PART OUT

[sitizelter]

🩵Sky Full of Stars🩵

Loscar ♡ Pt.4

Pt. 4 finally here!! Sorry it took so long, but now that the season's over I can take more time to write 😭😭

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The ringing of the church bells echo the streets of Melbourne, meaning it had just turned 6pm. Oscar finally comes back home after closing up the workshop, he pops a sliced apple in his mouth before trudging back to his room.

With a grunt, he throws his bag on the floor and falls onto his bed. The sunlight peers through the crack of his window, golden hour had come. He rolled over onto his back, dialling in Logan's number to videocall him.

A content sigh escapes from Logan as drowsy eyes blink open to flashing numbers signifying an incoming call. Squinting against the morning light streaming in, Oscar's cheerful face fills the display stirring a sleepy smile to his face.

"Well, well, if it isn't my favorite delinquent." Logan chuckles softly still finding his voice, rubbing the remnants of dreams from stubbled cheek.

Taking him in leisurely sprawled across rumpled sheets, Logan notes the weary lines etched onto Oscar's face.

"You look exhausted, mate. Everything all sorted at the shop?" Logan inquires gently, seeing as ever through his brave mask to the weariness beneath.

"Some... 'fans' found out I helped my dad out here. Started clobbering all over the place, got me here feeling buggered out." Oscar murmured out with a heavy sigh.

Brows furrow in concern as Oscar's admission washes over the american through the speaker. Fans can be notorious, bringing praise one moment and chaos the next without care.

Oscar swore under his breath as he massaged his temples, "Sorry Loges, y'know how I am."

"Don't you dare apologize, mate." The other says gently yet firmly, shaking his head. "I understand the pressure better than most. You've nothing to explain to me."

Holding his exhausted gaze, Logan let steadfast care shine through his own. "You did well to make it home in one piece, yeah? Try and get some rest now - I mean it, Osc. No tinkering or plotlines tonight."

A soft chuckle escapes as the american thinks to distract. "Maybe put your feet up, watch some Netflix. I can gripe at you for missed calls in the morning when you've got your spark back."

"No, wait Logan-" Oscar suddenly shoots out. He clears his throat, regaining his composure.

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"Stay on call with me. Your... voice helps to clear my mind." The aussie explains. He adjusts himself on the pillows, getting comfortable.

Logan blinks in mild surprise at Oscar's outburst, unusual to such candid vulnerability from him, before melting into an easy smile. Oscar's request sends warmth spreading through his chest where stress and uncertainty once gnawed.

"Alright then, mate. You've got me." Shifting to mirror his snug position, Logan gets cozy against piled pillows and watches the other expectantly through the screen.

"Well now what do you want - me serenading you to sleep like a lullaby?" Logan teases gently to lighten the atmosphere, hiding his own concern for him. "I haven't got the pipes for it I'm afraid. But I'll talk your ear off as long as you need, Osc. That I can manage."

"Just relax and rest now, yeah? I've got you."

Oscar sighs in content, glad that the other could understand how he's feeling then. "What did you dream about last night?" The aussie asks, his voice is soft.

Logan ponders Oscar's question thoughtfully as he tries to remember what he had dreamt of the previous night. A faint smile plays at his lips, fondness evident in lowered tones.

"Actually, there was one that's stuck with me. We were back in the park near your dad's shop, remember - the one with that huge gum tree we used to climb?"

Chuckling softly at the image, Logan nestles deeper into feathery pillows and lets nostalgia's soothing warmth embrace his tired bones.

"We must've been... what- 15? 16? Sun was just starting to set, painting everything orange and rose. And we were laying in the grass, talking for hours like we used to..."

His gaze softens as it meets Oscar's through the screen. Quiet falls between, filled instead by memory's gentle refrain. For what need have words, when hearts have known each other so long?

"I'm glad it was that one," Logan whispers finally, hoping Oscar hears all he had left unsaid too.

"I'm glad you dreamt of that one too," Oscar breathes out.

"Sorry that our calls have been quite... short lately. Ugh, it doesn't feel the same, I miss us. When are you visiting again?" Oscar turns his head to look at Logan in the screen. His eyelids were half-lidded, with barely visible eyebags underneath them.

A pang of longing lances the american's chest at Oscar's weariness shining plain. He wishes nothing more than to reach through the call and gather Oscar into arms, let his head find rest upon his shoulder as days go by.

Stroking fingers tap a thoughtful rhythm upon blanketed thigh as schedule runs through his overtired mind. "Not sure offhand on exact dates... few weeks maybe?" He ventures tentatively, hating the uncertainty.

Their gaze holds tenderly through slowing blinks. "Tell you what though - why don't I shuffle things around and come next weekend instead, if you'll have me? Barge in, cook us dinner, we can put on a show and just relax, yeah?" A soft smile plays on his face, hoping the offer of sooner solace may lift spirits, if only briefly.

Oscar's eyes shined for a moment. "Yeah. Of course, next weekend would be great."

"I'll make sure to tell mom that you're staying over. Hopefully she'll make her Shepherd's pie that you love so much." Oscar teases, his playfulness making an reappearance from underneath his tired outlook. A genuine grin brightens Logan's face.

"God, I can taste it already." Logan sighs wistfully, relishing memory of flavors mingling on the tongue. "Your mum's Shepherd's pie is honestly the cure for everything bad. And her company, of course!"

Warmth blooms anew in Logan's chest at thought of familiar embraces, gentle smiles and care that emanates from the walls of Oscar's childhood home.

"Get some rest soon, mate. I'll sort the travel details tomorrow."

Oscar nods, "Mhm, G'night." He mutters out. He looks at the other through the screen again, with Logan's face being brightened up by the morning sun.

A faint smile plays once more on Logan's cheeks as fond gaze lingers warmly upon Oscar. His cares are the american's own; if that alone can offer even moment's solace, all the journeys of world are worth the walking.

"Now get some rest, darling. I'll see you soon." Logan whispers before he ends the call, with his heart so very full.

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Once the call ends, it only leaves Oscar alone with his thoughts. His eyes are wide open, with his ears ringing and repeating those last few words spoken by the american.

"Darling. Did he really call me 'darling'?"

Oscar felt blush fill in his cheeks. He rolls over and buries his reddened face into his pillow. He felt like a 8th grader that had just fallen in love again, kicking his feet while blushing like crazy.

The aussie takes a minute to calm down. Logan might've only been teasing him. But what if he wasn't? What if he really meant it?

A shy grin appears on his face. He swears he isn't being delusional, more like... optimistic.

"Darling." Oscar whispers, with his heart fluttering.

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[hillarysss]

astro notes ✨

love edition & sex edition🕊

Part I <<. Please do not repost, plagiarize, reword. 🎀

💌🕊Starting off with Mars in Leo individuals in connections they wanna be pampered and they demand want your loyalty, they will also not settle for less. They could be seen as "too much" or "too high standards" or even if they don't really have standards, they're very strict with who they let in romantically. But once they let someone in they will spoil you so much like these individuals are not scared to let people know who they ride with.

💌🕊There is this myth of Aquarius moons being "detached" from connections and not gonna lie Aquarius moons are just guarded with who they truly let in, they tend to have a lot of acquaintances or people that are "failed talking stages" also eventually they will let you in if they see hope within you and they see a future with you, they will not open up if they see you as temporary, they would have fun but that's it.

💌🕊Okayy but what is it with you Pisces moons being so fucking adorable? I noticed these individuals tend to be mistaken for either water risings, pisces risings, moon - ascendant, neptune- ascendant. I noticed having a Pisces moon will get the native a really ethereal dreamy look and especially with an Air rising it will make the native youthful and age gracefully. It enhances the eyes and there tends to be a "sparkle" in their eyes. The eyes tend to be bigger too & animated eyes. So beautiful

💌🕊Sagittarius moons for romantic relationships they truly are amazing and are probably one of the most fun people you can date.. however you guys are more choosy than given credit for like yeah you'll have fun but you guys escape from your emotions and it is very hard to cage you in like you are doing your own thing because you can only trust yourself and sadly you guys learned hard-core independence since day one. Honestly you guys are the type to ghost people if you're not interested them anymore, they're off to the next person until they find their right match that's when they'll get commit and be as loyal as ever:)

💌🕊Scorpio placements tend to be loyal to the first person they mark their eyes on like "yep you're mine" also how many future spouse readings have y'all watched? haha but keep these people:) they don't let people in easily until they trust their gut that you are good to let in, also don't lie to them they can see through you.

💌🕊Venus in 12th individuals say it with me you are deserving of love. These natives are so kind and the shittiest people try to take advantage of it. You guys are the type of people to have grown up wanting a fairy tale kind of relationship where it's just you and your partner and nobody else, you guys take them for granted stop doing that.

💌🕊 Gemini moons / Moon in 3rd in relationships are quite faithful If I'm being honest but only if you actually keep them interested like stimulate them! For them if you're boring it's a valid reason to break up of course it would be the last straw, but for these individuals you most likely will need a lot of common interests.

💌🕊 Moon in 4th individuals you guys are actually so easy to love and this is why a lot of people tend to loose themselves in you! You guys are like a safe space for so many people so this is why you should protect your loving energy because bad energies could take advantage of it.

💌🕊 Venus in Leo in love will do the smallest things to get your attention like at worse they can try to make you a bit jealous like they're the type to bring out someone else's name in the talking stage and make you wonder who it is.. yet that person does not exist, they just want your attention.

💌🕊Pisces Venuses.. are you guys attracted to artists or people who have artistic / aesthetically pleasing talents? Or is it your soft spot.

💌🕊 No one really talks about this being a charm indicator but Sun & Venus conjuction will make the native have a lot of charisma and a lot of people will respect them & people tend to go to these natives when they are sad because they bright them up.

💌🕊 Scorpio moons / Moon in 8th are the type of people who need a very special bond to be with someone Scorpio rules the 8th house they need someone who will be there for them at the darkest times honestly they kind of want that soulmate type stuff, they just wanna feel heard their emotional needs are often not heard and they seek such love in relationships.

💌🕊 Virgo placements tend to be a little confusing when dating at first you might think they give "mixed signals" but these people tend to really analyze the people they may be interested in dating and change to the energy you give them, if you're nervous they will adapt to that too. So they may not be the type to make the first move, have the same energy as them or be consistent. (Especially Virgo Venuses)

💌🕊 Venuses in 6th / Virgo Venuses are really underrated. No they aren't "dull" they are simply one of the best people you can ask for. They will do the little things and they will remember things about yourself that you didn't even notice, they are the type to sew you a shirt but may not buy you the most expensive ring but it doesn't matter to them because they took their own time on it. They are also the type of people who won't "yuck" if you are sick or not in your best state, they really stick with you.

💌🕊Venus in 3rd individuals you guys would make really good love letters like old-fashioned stuff.

💌🕊 Aries Venuses I've noticed you guys have a really blunt sense of humor that's like super attractive and the Venus sign may not be a good giveaway on humor but honestly? I've noticed it quite a lot they have that "I do not give a fuck if you don't like me" humor.. they also need a partner with a good ass sense of humor too.

💌🕊 Moon in Taurus individuals I'll give you some appreciation.. literally everything you do is made of gold like you guys have the power to make people feel so beautiful and love and people probably feel so treasured when opening up to you, you guys give this really laid back vibe it's so cute.

💌🕊 Moon opposition Moon in synastry can go both ways yes we look at the whole chart but either you absolutely love them and can't get enough of them or you're insanely attracted to them and they sparkle such different emotions, but you find out you both want different things.

💌🕊Please appreciate your local Venus in 2nd individual today! They try their hardest and they are the type of love to really value you! These people will always see your worth hence which is why I believe they are one of the most loyal people in my book.

💌🕊 Pisces risings you guys are so beautiful like I get lost in your guys appearances so easily cause you just look like you're from another dimension, but you guys are so hard on yourselves with the Virgo in 7th. You also don't see yourself clearly. You are beautiful and so is your body. Appreciate your local Pisces rising today.

💌🕊People with Lilith in 7th Or/ And Uranus in 7th are more prone to growing up not seeing the best image of marriage hence why they try their best to find "the one" and why they don't commit easily, I understand you guys and I appreciate you.

💌🕊 Aquarius risings you guys love attention but ONLY from the right people, let the wrong people give you so much attention and see how pissed you get haha, but when it comes to people you love you guys want so much attention but you'll never admit it.

💌🕊Leo risings do you guys attract people who at first seem interested in you then slowly detach themselves from you wondering what you even did wrong? Yea you don't deserve them🥺. (Aquarius in 7th)

💌🕊Beautiful fun fact more so kindness related but the sign of your 11th shows what you get back from being a kind human being. Cancer 11th= More emotional support & you attract people who are a safe place.

💌🕊Air Venus legacy is wanting to stay single cause no one is on your level until you meet someone that actually interests you and now you can't let go.

💌🕊Scorpio placements do you still remember that one person you were stuck on for so long that you gave so much loyalty to and is the reason you have trust issues now? Yea fuck them, I've noticed heartbreaks take a toll on Scorpio placements os much it's crazy. I hope you guys have nice recoveries and that those people didn't deserve you.

💌🕊 Chiron in Capricorn individuals are more prone to trying to commit to things for the future especially in connections but not "feeling good enough" please know you guys do your best.

💌🕊Taurus risings, would you say you attract really obsessive lovers until you loose yourself in them too? (Scorpio in 7th)

💌🕊Pluto in 10th you guys attract the weirdest masculine energy that tries to "control you" make sure you stand your power.

💌🕊Cancer moons I noticed you guys don't really take rejection lightly? Like rejection boils your blood and kind of makes you shut your emotions. You guys like love and attention more than given credit for not gonna lie, but you guys are also quite introverted.

💌🕊 Capricorn placements you will find your match one day I like how you stand your ground and you don't let anybody below your level try to control you. You guys have high standards for a reason the way you love is high quality and only for high quality people.

💌🕊Trust a Scorpio placement with your secret they will take it to the grave..

💌🕊Neptune in 1st individual since you guys tend to take up the energy of the people close to you guys tend to get really random psychic insights of the people you love since you consume that energy.

💌🕊Venus in 12th individuals even if in a new relationship they will always take reference from what old relationships have thought them.

💌🕊 Cancer Venuses do you guys close off after you're heartbroken about something? Like you're there but eh not really.. like you try to be support for people but feel guilty when also asking for support

💌🕊Someone with Libra and Cancer in their chart will make someone super kind and nurturing and also very beautiful this is a common combo of ethereal appearances. Try not to let people take advantage of you though.

💌🕊 Virgo risings.. are your romantic connections kind of a blur? like with Pisces in 7th you probably don't even understand your romantic life sometimes. Also lovers may come out of nowhere.

💌🕊 Virgo placements just ask them out and stop being so nervous on how they may react, you only live once.

💌🕊Pisces risings do you often feel misunderstood in romantic connections and is your advice / acts of services at worse taken for granted? ( Virgo in 7th)

💌🕊People with Venus- Pluto would you describe your love life as intense maybe a little chaotic? I think you guys go through a lot of eh maybe obsessive connections.

💌🕊People with Venus - Pluto may find themselves in connections where they give and give but don't receive.

💌🕊Moon in Virgo individuals please love yourself:( so many of you guys in my "safe place" form (where you can rant) have Moon in Virgo please love yourself. You guys are the best and all you do for people which you take your time out to do is so appreciated.

💌🕊Pisces moons & Libra moons please take care of yourselves! You guys tend to take care of everyone but yourself :(

💌🕊Venus - Pluto individuals may have love interests from the past come up a lot in the future to "test" you they may shake you up a bit, break the pattern.

💌🕊Venus in 4th is such beautiful placement for composite & synastry. These people feel so loved and validated together.

💌🕊Virgo risings please do not over-think if someone actually likes / love you! You guys tend to be self-concerned on how you come off and this can effect on you think others should love you.

💌🕊Venus in 6th culture is running away the minute a love interest starts putting things in your plate, you already stress yourself enough you need someone independent.

💌🕊 Venus in 8th individuals I promise it's safe for you to love sometimes:) I know it's hard since you may have been betrayed in the past but trust that you'll find your people and you are not "hard to love"

💌🕊Venus in 5th individuals do you guys get really lovey- dovey with someone / something then leave it when you find something much more interesting? Unless you are actually super committed.

💌🕊 Moon in Leo / Moon in 5th individuals really just want someone who will take it easy on them and achieve dreams & goals togethers. I noticed people with these placements are very child at heart and may have been taken advantage of at some point for their love they give. It's so pure.

💌🕊Venus in Pisces individuals you guys have much high standards than given credit for not too high but you guys have them! You don't fall in love with every "person" as it states you guys do but you guys when you actually do like someone maybe you guys have the tendency to twist up the view, but that's it. Also trust your intuition in relationships, it won't fail you.

💌🕊Mars - Uranus individuals tend to be very experimental in sex like they will usually try a lot of things as long as it's safe but do check out other aspects. Super open minded people, I love that.

💌🕊 Venus - Saturn individuals you guys will find your people I promise! It may seem like it'll take a while and maybe it will.. you will attract someone deserving of your love and that is loyal to you so manifest it.

💌🕊Uranus in 5th individuals do you guys ever feel judged for what you love? Or that it doesn't fit people's standards. I think everything you love is amazing so do not give it up.

💌🕊Pluto in 4th individuals do you guys attract people with really messy home lives & unstable emotions? Like I feel like you attract unstable people into your life but you still love them.

💌🕊Someone with Moon in 4th & Saturn in 4th will be much more guarded with their emotions than a regular "Moon in 4th" would be like they may feel as if they have to protect their emotions for their own well being. They know their love is high value.

💌🕊If your Jupiter is in Pisces, Sagittarius, Libra you're more prone to attracting a lot of soulmates this lifetime and blessings. You are also more prone to get married but check the whole chart & it being a good marriage.

💌🕊Check Alma (390) and see what aspects it makes for insights in soulmate connections. Post on Alma here.

💌🕊 Libra risings a lot of you guys have Capricorn in 4th you guys really aren't all about relationships all the time, you guys are much more introverted inside than you let on. I can see through your facade and I wanna tell you it's okay to love. You value your independence.

💌🕊 Leo risings / Sun in 1st your guys lives tend to be seen as "glamor" and people may forget to check up on you. People may sadly invalidate your struggles, whatever you are going through you are valid.

💌🕊 Someone with a Fire moon & Water venus is most likely to over-think their love and may see it as "too much" from what I've observed.

💌🕊Someone with an Air moon & Fire Venus needs constant loyalty & admiration & stimulation or else the connection is not cutting for them. (But check other aspects & placements)

💌🕊Capricorn moons are so loyal but they give it a bit tough, they'll tell you what you need to hear for your own growth & their own experiences. Please always appreciate a Capricorn moon because they are trying their hardest to provide you a safe protective place and they are probably one of the only people to bring you back to reality even if they are out of it too.

💌🕊Moon in 12th individuals do you guys like ever emotionally disappear just to find yourself & love yourself again? You guys absorb a lot of the environment. (Moon in Pisces could relate)

💌🕊 Someone with Sun trine / conjuct / sextile moon could make someone who is seen to have “positive emotions” even if they are rotting inside. Also a lot of people go to these natives for love and care and to feel more positive.

💌🕊 Pisces mercuries I appreciate you. You guys have the ability to make words into such beautiful things like you guys excel in poetry and etc. Start appreciating yourself and your capabilities.

💌🕊 Someone with Mercury in 12th would have the tendency to attract people who don’t wanna communicate clearly leaving them confused as hell. Also you guys rarely feel “heard” just know your opinions & your interests & everything about you matters and I love you.

💌🕊 Someone with a Leo moon & Sagittarius rising makes up for a very cheerful combo, they cheer up everyone around them.

💌🕊 I appreciate you Sagittarius risings without even trying you guys make me laugh so hard with your natural jokes. But don’t hide what you go through for the sake of not being seen as a “burden” from others.

💌🕊 Moon in Capricorn & Moon conjuct Saturn individuals would benefit from ranting & writing emotions they tend to rant a lot naturally even if it’s internally. Let your emotions flow.

💌🕊 Give a Capricorn placement roses and they’ll stand them for a hot minute to process someone could ever do such things for them. (Like yes you are easy to love don’t be so hard on yourself)

💌🕊 Libra placements & Leo placements are more prone to getting caught up in love triangles.

® Hillarysss 2021 all rights reserved ღ

[enjiyuuu]

Ikevamp Boys x To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before pt.2

N/A : This is the second part of ikevamp boys x TATBILB, here’s the link for the 1st part. And also, you can play Lauv - I Like Me Better to get the vibes better while reading. Enjoy it, xoxo!

Premise : You only likes the boys you never had chance with. For every crush you have in your life, you wrote one letter for them. It’s not like typical love letters because you wrote it when you’re going to get over your feelings and of course, you’re not going to give it to those boys.

But, one day, without you noticed, those letters were leaked. When you realized it, you knew you’re going to die soon because all of your love letter recipient started to approach you.

Jean

Napoleon bestfriend.

You met Jean first time at Church and find out that he also lives in the same neighbourhood when you’re two were just a kid.

You tought he was a girl at first because he was so pretty that sometimes you envy him because you felt lose as a girl.

The typical religious boy that goes to Church every week. You bet he brings Bible everyday to school (and yes, he actually does).

He’ll not hesitate to pull you and Napoleon to Church if one of you, or both you are skipping to Church.

Actually you were his first love.

He wanted to ask you to be dance in home coming, but instead you go with Sebastian :(

And, he was actually the one who got Napoleon’s love letter from you because you wrote the address wrong so the letter ended up in his mailbox.

Dazai

Arthur’s partner to bully tease Isaac in physics class.

The boy who lives next door and also your childhood friends along with Jean and Napoleon (but, he didn’t get along well with Jean because that guy is too stoic for him).

likes to go to your house by the windows (same at school).

He was actually the one who send all the love letters because he tought you’re going to send the letters.

You find out this thing when you find the green hat box (the one that you use to keep the letters) in his house.

“Dazai, do you mind to explain why the hell this box is in your house?”

He quickly escape before you can kill him and thinking about moving to another neighbourhood.

Comte

Rich boy and the school’s council president

You two used up to be so close in 10th grade. He knows that you like him and you also know that he likes you.

Almost dating, but yeah, almost.

His lifestyle are somehow too extravagant for someone broke like you. You can’t afford yourself to be Cinderella because being Cinderella is not your type.

But most of the reason was because you also hate his fangirls and some juniors who keep terorrizing you because you close to him.

And for the sake of your mental health, you decided that you two are not meant to be, so you wrote the letter to express your feelings before you get over it.

So, he immediately approach you after received the golden coloured love letter.

“Ma cherie, let’s start over again.”

Your head is spinning around. Why the f this is happening?

Sebastian

Your mother’s friend’s son. Your mother really admire him because he can do the household chores well, unlike you :).

You kinda hate him a little bit because you’re mother always comparing you to him. 

But, he’s actually nice. He sometimes makes brings brownies and delivered it to your house.

And you also had a crush on him (for awhile) when you’re in 4th grade because he always fed you with sweet things almost everyday and he’s the one who always brought your umbrella everytime it rains and you forget it.

He clearly likes you, but you just too dumb to notice it.

So, when he saw you close with Napoleon and see you so happy around that boy (he’s also dumb to notice that you liked him before), Sebastian decided to moved on.

It takes him for years, before you crushed his effort by asking him to the homecoming dance.

He still likes you.

He popped up in front of your house at evening with the grey love letter in his hand.

“y/n, i could bake those brownies again and bring your umbrella whenever it rains and you forget it, so please be mine.”

N/A : I’m so sorry that i didn’t write William because i actually don’t know him too much :( and i don’t know how to potrayed him in this hc. Sowwie :(((

Anyway, if you guys are interested in their AUs or story, i might as well write it if you guys want it 🥺👉👈 so please tell me, okayy?

[the-little-red-noodle]

9/24/18 1:45am

You are love. You are light. You are bringing me happpiness, even when you also bring me down.

I need to stop trying to fill every silence with spencer. I take his calmness and associate it with disinterest, which isnt how he feels. Judge what he actually says and his actions, not the vibe when he’s sleepy and content.. it’s becoming my detriment.

I really like this person and being around him makes me feel sexy and interesting and special.. so why am i looking for ways to ruin it? I ask him every 10 minutes if he’s okay.. and its always a positive answer, and confused why i keep asking. I just can’t let it be. I need verbalization of what you’re feeling.

I want to shower him in affection and to stop overlooking when he does we spent about 2 hours together today, he just came by to see me. We cuddled, we made out, we did whatever and then got back to cudfling and idk why i felt so fucking insecure and just wanted to hear him say he liked me.. i crave verbal affection from him because he aces the physical. He’s good at holding me and kissing me all over and smiling and being adorable. I feel good on a physical level, for the most part.

I’m just fucking insecure and it’s not his fault. He says the right things, i just kinda need to prod first. He mentioned how his friends want to meet me and think I’m great and love us together.. he says how lucky he is all the time. He says he likes me all the time. He says that I’m sexy and so cute and gorgeous and all the right things to say, so why am i fussing?

To be fair, when i get back into writing regularly like i have been, i overthink a lil extra than usual. Writing gets my mind flowing and ups my awareness of my feelings and reactions, and then i write through things to process and express those feelings, so everythings just heightened. And i know he’s on the other end of this probably not giving us this much thought, but who knows. He could be.

Goal for this week, is to be firm about things. I want to say “don’t text him as much” or “don’t start conversations” but also fuck that? I like him a lot and if i wanna talk to him, i should just do it. But do it knowing that he could take a long time to respond and that i shouldn’t let that fact crush me or make me feel guilty for trying to talk to him.

I love him. Oh no oh no i love him, god i want to say it so bad. It’s starting to be a thing i actively try to hold back. I want to say i love him.. shiit okayy

I was sort of planning on doing a romantic thing for the 30th, because that would be a month of officially dating. And i wanted to go home and get a bunch of electric candles and set them up around my room and have him come over and I’ve like got the whole set up, with the candles and like to go ramen or something and a john mulaney stand up queued up. And he’d come over and see it and be like aw cute, and we’d hang out for a while and talk and eat our ramen in my bed or on the floor and i would eventually pause the show to be like hey i wanted to talk to you.. and then id say hey I’ve been thinking, that this past month of dating you has been great, and i think you’re so great and attractive and sweet and cute and i ...

That’s as far as I got. I imagine myself saying that i want to be his girlfriend. Like i don’t want to date anyone else and i want you all to myself and i want you to know that i only want to be with you and will you be my boyfriend? And lets be exclusive? Or something?..

But i also don’t feel 100% about that commitment still. Maybe a week from today, i will be ready. And I’ll want that. But right now, that conversation sounds so romantic and beautiful and not something I’m ready for. I know he would say yes and be excited and that would make me happy, but I’m just not there yet.. so it’s more of a romantic premonition than a plan..

The other option, is to tell him that i love him. This one is scary for opposite reasons. I’m sure of it and I’m ready, but he might not be and he might not say it back and then i could have an Eli situation again where i say i love him and he doesn’t say it back and i cry about it and then it’s awkward and uncomfortable and sad for a bit. But this is something i want him to know.. so like.. help me, brain.

Both options are romantic and possibly very bad. I can’t handle the rejection and i also don’t feel ready to commit too much.. what if he’s never been in love? What if it scareshim thati tellhim i love him before we’re even boyfriend girlfriend?? He was in a year long relationship before this, where he lost his virginity and presumably told this person he loved them. Theres no way he dated someone for a yearand didn’t say i love you. So where does that leave me?

What if I’m rushig things? I mean we’ve been hooking up and talking for almost 3 months now.. dating for 1 month, i believe, math is weird. 4th of july to now?.. is that rushing things? Is it rushing based on what he says.

“I really like you, i’ve fallen for a girl from LA, i fell for you way too fast, i want you to be my girlfriend, i want to be more serious, i have serious feelings for you, god i like you so much”...

Maybe he will say it back.. this is really the one i want to say more.. because i feel it and I’m ready and i want it to be special like this and i have no idea if by the end of this week that i will want to get into a relationshipw with him. I sound like I’m stringing him along but I’m not i just really want to be sure. But my reservations don’t inhibit how i feel about him.

With how much time we’ve spent together.. him sleeping over, and my face in his shoulder and his hands on my legs and my hands on his chest and his arm around my neck and my heart in his hands..

I love him

I want to tell him that i love him. I want to go get these candles from home and buy him ramen and sit him down and tell him that i love him. I want to tell spencer that i love him.

I love him.