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iaintyourbro · 4 years

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Let’s Talk About... On the Way to a Smile: Case of Tifa and The Kids are Alright: A Turks Side Story

Yes, I couldn’t sleep... again. I’ve gotten good at staying up two days at a time. Then sleeping and going back to it. I suppose it’s the quarantine... Which is only going to get worse it seems...

In any case, I finally got to read Case of Tifa... and... if you came out of that thinking they weren’t a thing... I don’t know what to tell you. I honestly went in to it expecting it to seem very ambiguous and very non-Cloti (in a sense).

What struck me, first of all is the amount of guilt Tifa talks about having. Tifa seems to be just as bad as Cloud is, she just deals with it differently. Oddly enough, Cloud doesn’t show that much guilt immediately. Tifa is the one who is struggling with this major guilt initially.

So let’s start with some screenshots (pictures?) I took of excerpts I found interesting. Some I’m sure you’ve seen before.

Here we have Tifa talking about the guilt. She also feels insanely guilty for what happened to not only Aerith, but everything else that happened (Sector 7 Plate Drop/Avalanche). The other weird thing about this... and this is legit at the end of the OG... she almost is convincing herself that she should stay alive. I found a lot of sadness in that. And it’s not because of anything Cloud did. No... actually I think that’s what snaps her out of it.

Of course we have a smiling Cloud. You’re going to see Cloud smiles... a lot... and he laughs too, which I really hope they show him laughing because I don’t know what it sounds like...

I’m sure everyone has seen this. It’s the next page after Tifa calls Cloud out on his bright dork smile he’s giving. I mean he fucking says he has her. And that he knows what that means.

I... I don’t know how you can’t take this in a romantic sense. Maybe because the guy barely smiles so to me this is massive. Maybe because he had a hell of a time telling her anything down Under the Highwind. I don’t know. But this seems like something that’s profound to tell a person. That’s the end of that section (teases - perfect moment for a kiss).

I like the “What about you? Are you okay?” Strikes me as something we saw in Chapter 17 when you first get control of Tifa and Aerith, right? “What about you, Tifa? How are you doing?”

Tifa loses it, crying. Guilt, guilt, guilt. They talk more about Tifa’s guilt than they do Cloud’s guilt. Cloud comforts her here. Another profound thing at this point, but... we are seeing him do this in Remake already. The hug is the major one...

But things like when he grabs her from having a crate fall on her... he could have pulled her out of the way and let her go or pushed her (like Leslie does in the sewers). No, he holds on to her. She actually is the first one to let go here. (Look how cute they are PSPSPSPSPSPSPS)

So this whole part just cracks me up. For one, it shows that these three were busy doing stuff together and slept under the plate, even though it could collapse.

I HOPE WE GET A GODDAMN VISUAL OF THIS. Barret making happy Cloud and Tifa drinks? LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF?! Barret talking about his past?!

“The other two [Cloud and Tifa] couldn’t remember the last time they’d laughed so much.”

Let’s be real... probably when they were like 14 - maybe.

There’s also a part later down that I didn’t get where Barret makes fun of them for getting trashed during this night. I would kill to ALSO see that.

But... laughing, drunk Cloud? Laughing, drunk Tifa? Plz.

Happy... sounds like the correct term.

Now there are moments as time goes on - mainly after the bar is open - where Tifa thinks about once the bar gets ready, is Cloud going to leave...

This is where I think people take it as they’re nothing. Tifa I think just has a very hard time accepting that not everything is going to be taken away from her. The impression I got from reading this is it was all in her head. Cloud himself gave no indication that he wanted to leave. (The Geostigma catalyst is later)

And here’s why I said I got no feeling that Cloud wanted to leave. (Oh here’s more about Tifa’s guilt). Above this, Marlene says Cloud and Tifa can be her parents and the two look at each other. Cloud doesn’t look away. Cloud also says Awesome with conviction. Looks at Tifa almost to confirm it’s okay... but these two like to talk without words. I think he knew she was getting nervous, so this was his way of saying “See? I’m not going anywhere?”

Marlene gave him a nice little assist here so he didn’t have to say anything and Tifa didn’t have to ask.

Tifa, I think, was already going through her major guilt turmoil - she had an immediate reaction to it. I think she knew, deep down, that Cloud eventually WOULD have this problem, and when she sees the slip from Elmyra for the Forgotten City, I think she knew that was the catalyst.

“Stop worrying about what they were to each other.” I’ve seen a lot of jokes, mostly on Japanese Twitter posts, that Cloud assumed Tifa was his girlfriend. Like, he didn’t realize he needed to tell her that. I read a post about this somewhere too, that they got the impression Cloud (in the land of Cloud’s mind...) got was that Tifa was his girlfriend and knew this. I’m not sure if it’s because of Under the Highwind, I don’t know if it’s because he pulled the same shit on her and talked to her while she was sleeping. I have no idea.

To me, Cloud and Tifa don’t have to say they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. It seems kind of funny after all they’ve been through. They’re almost like extensions of each other at this point.

Okay so the above is from The Kids are Alright. Evan goes to see Tifa at the bar because he just saw Cloud and needs to get to Nibelheim. And Cloud tells him to talk to Tifa.

I have to laugh about this Evan staring at chest line... lololol

Let’s talk about how she describes Aerith. “Friend doesn’t do her justice.”

...Did Tifa have romantic feelings for Aerith? Probably not (though we’d all be fine with it because Aerti is adorable). @holysmotez Made a very good post about how Aerith can be seen more as a holy/religious figure. I think Tifa saying this really does enforce that with me as well.

Also this is the part where you find out there’s blackmail pictures of all three of them in the dresses: Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith.

But I marked an interesting one - “I’ll be fine. And I’ve got Cloud, too.” She sounded confident.

Now, I was blowing through this at this point. I will go back and do a normal reading of it, but after this, Kyrie and Evan go on a journey round the world it feels like. There’s Nibelheim talk. They talk about some of the people who were killed during the Reunion and are found at the northern crater.

And here is the end of The Kids are Alright.

Cloud tells Evan that they’re a family.

This is AT THE END OF AC when the church is being utilized as a way to heal folks. On thing that also seems odd... A lot of people were under the impression that Cloud disappeared for months... but it was like a week. Tifa blows him a kissy kissy at the end of the movie, then apparently walks up with him and the kids to see Evan and Kyrie - very family like.

I also did not get any jealousy vibes from Tifa and no I’m hiding this cuz Aerith feelings from Cloud.

The part where he tells her where he found Denzel felt more like he knew she was worried about him closing in on himself again (which he already was anyway), but her reaction didn’t come off as she felt jealous nor that she felt he was hiding it cuz feelings. She wanted to go cuz she wanted to go and be with him and maybe feel her friend (more than friend) there.

I got the same feeling as I did when he was taking extra jobs to get extra money for his bike. Like I should have told you I was there, and it wasn’t really planned. I think he was praying or whatever the equivalent would be. He was feeling guilty, going down a bad path... because he wasn’t just visiting the church in AC. He also was visiting Zack’s grave. I mean, he let the Buster Sword rust to hell out there. (Angeal knows what you did, Cloud.)

So here’s how I feel after reading this, and now I do think that Remake is setting this up better.

Aerith is the same type of person to Cloud and Tifa. They both feel the same way about her. She feels the same way about them. It’s different than a simple friendship, but it’s not romantic. Spiritual is a good way to describe this.

There is the part where Aerith says Cloud was more than a friend, for she had loved him. By itself I’d say holy shit, wow, Aerith had romantic feelings for Cloud. After reading the rest of this, thinking of the OG, AC, CC, and Remake - yes, she loved him - but not like she loved Zack - she loved Cloud as a special person, not in a romantic sense. I think she almost felt like she had to protect him, because in this same part when she says she loved him, she also says she knows he has almost a delicate heart, but also needed to find a way to warn him about the shit about to go down.

I think if you asked Aerith about Tifa, she’d say she loved Tifa too. I think OG didn’t do a good job of building up the Tifa and Aerith friendship to show exactly how important she really was to the whole thing, but time constraints, technology, whatever, a lot of games in the 90s suffered from this type of shit. Get the game out! We’ll figure out the rest later...

This also does not talk about Cloud’s feelings on Aerith. The only indicator we really get in this is that Cloud felt guilty that he could not protect Aerith.

My guess is he told Tifa this at one point, probably during one of the conversations that she needed his help to stay strong. That’s not romance. He felt obligated to protect her because he was supposed to be her bodyguard, but beyond that, he just protects people. He doesn’t have to be madly in love with them. There’s a difference in how he reacts to her death and Tifa’s simulated death. Cloud is able to function, fight Jenova, and carry her off to drop her off in the lake.

Tifa’s he completely starts to freak. We see what he does in Nibelheim and overtakes Sephiroth. I am not sure what would have happened if Sephiroth didn’t stab him and Tifa had died at that point... I really don’t know.

In any case, you should go read these novels too. The Kids are Alright has Kyrie and Leslie in it. Evan I’m sure we will see at some point soon.

Don’t be afraid to read them... I was because of shit information online, so I hope this puts you at ease.

Oh, Barret and Cid have a conversation about Cloud and Tifa being together too...

#cloti #cloud x tifa #ff7 spoilers #ff7r #ff7 on the way to a smile #case of tifa #tifa lockhart #the kids are alright a turks side story #cloud strife

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papers4me · 4 years

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Fruits Basket SE2, ep12, part2

The way this ep was handled make it stands alone outside of furuba’s world. It can very well be an anime film. We don’t even need to know why the main couple broke up or anything abt the curse lore. It’s a story abt a couple who could’ve been the happiest, but parted ways despite loving each other still. A story about a woman ,one-sidedly, falling deeply in love with a taken man despite wishing the couple all the happiness. Mayu was right “ ppl don’t fall in love to be sad & lonely” but everybody in this ep was sad & lonely. Including shigure.

-Standing Still while everybody moves on:

Kana moved on & married. Yet, Hatori stood still, time has passed, his heart healed, but his mind didn’t. He condemned himself into life long confinement next to his abuser, like a robot, always within Akito’s reach, always on call. One day he’s out picking up a book, didn’t even intend to!, then he gets scolded for daring to go outside his virtual cage. First time he went to take the book, he was tricked by Shigure, but the second time he went on his own volition. He wanted an excuse to escape. Mayu, too, stood still as time passed, still feeling guilty abt loving hatori. still held by the past. She’s too aware that her emotions were once one-sided that she fears taking a step forward.

-Shigure’s “Steal Him!!!” advice:

“steal him” as if hatori is a helpless toy. This is very interesting insight into shigure’s mentality:

(a) Maybe Shigure only said that to urge Mayu to do sth for herself. he’s playing the role of the author putting characters in situations & watching how they react & how things unfold. It also shows a kind of sickening delight he has upon watching dramatic situations. Then..don’t we all love drama?.but i dare hope that we don’t instigate it.

(b) Maybe Shigure really wants Mayu to “steal” hatori cuz that’s how he wants to do with Akito. He wants to steal her from Kureno. By stealing he means play the tricks of seducing & manipulating the situations to his/her favor. This puts a whole perspective into the already know fact of shigure not justifying his actions of manipulating others for his gain. He loves Akito & for the name of love, he shall do what he needs to do. Including using others. If shigure wants sth, he reaches out & takes it. If he can’t, he’ll play dirty until he can. He truly wanted Mayu to follow his footsteps to gain hatori. Maybe he wants to feel that he’s not the only one tainted by loving someone who doesn’t love them back equally. Cuz afterall Mayu is his shoes now. I can’t confirm if Akito doesn’t love/never loved/stopped loving Shigure romantically, it is not shown yet. but what is shown is that Shigure’s world orbits around Akito. He’s not affected by the curse, or traumatized, but he is so in love with her & will be damned if he won’t crush the entire sohma system so she can be his. I duno how I feel abt his dedication tho. I love how morally grey it is. i duno how much toxicity is weaven into their relationship. Akito’s perspective is needed before I could make an opinion. But I’ll say this, he’s scary when he doesn’t get what he wants & he’s scarier when he feels no guilt over stomping over others to reach his goal. if Mayu, actually “stole” hatori, then she’ll have to stomp all over a kind unsuspected friend whose fault is that she’s in the way. I’m glad Mayu isn’t didn’t steep low in the name of love.

-Shigure’s “lets date” suggestion:

I love this suggestion!!! Mayu & shigure both established that they have no romantic feelings to each other. Then why date? cuz they’re both damn lonely! he’s also bored but I believe he’s masking his loneliness as well. We all grew up believing I’ll crush on someone, get asked out, date, fall in love & that’s how things always happen. NO. Often times (for me at least), everybody around me follows the above sequence & i find myself behind, so alone that I so much yearn for a romantic hand touch. Often times You find yourself accepting blind dates, coffee invitations from ppl you have no feelings for..cuz you’re so lonely & waiting for the spark between you two that means you’ve crossed into sth that could blossom romantically. Personally, This is one of the most relatable feelings in furuba. They date..but the spark never comes. He’s cold..so cold that he might as well be not there. Kana/hatori walk outside, talk together, she only needs two finger faintly touching his sleeve to get his full attention. Mayu/shigure stay inside, each is absorbed individually, he’s in a book, she’s watching her crush. she tries for his attention, he doesn’t even raise his head from his book. Mayu got the lesson: “I won’t date someone cuz I feel lonely anymore. It’ll only make me lonelier”.

-Mayu’s wish vs Mayu’s wish:

Mayu’s wish that Kana/hatori be happy is interesting. It isn’t only cuz she wants her dear friend to be happy. She genuinely does. But Mayu’s wish has a tragic layer to it. She wants them to be happy to prove to herself that she has no chance. that even if she took shigure’s advice & tried to break them, she can’t. That no matter how she tried she can’t have him. cuz she’s not kana. No way, he’ll leave kana & choose her. So, please you two be happy, so happy & prove me right for staying away, prove me wrong for daring to wish for him. But her wish fails. Their love ends. It breaks Mayu so much, that she doesn’t care for the reason, the outcome of them breaking up is the most tragic thing. She leaves. Kana heals. Kana wishes the most heartbreaking wish of all. “I wish you end up with hatori, mayu, he suits you” oh poor Mayu’s heart. how devastating it is to hear that?! the woman who went thro a horrible nervous breakdown cuz she loves hatori so much, now wishes him to be with her best friend. The writer is ruthless. I was as tearful as Mayu in that scene.

-The Anime’s Trope of “Interfering for a friend”: (done right!)

When a precious friend/loved one is in a state of deep depression, normally family/friends try to interfere to help. often ppl are too lost to help themselves. But whoever was on that state of depression or have a loved one in that state knows that it’s nothing like the movies/dramas make it out to be. It is not “hey friend, do this & that & you’ll be happy”. It is not “hey friend, check into this hospital & be healed”. It is not “hey friend, take this punch or that kick & this slap, be healed by the magic of healing violence” NO. It is nothing at all like all these shitty climax in films & drama. It’s a process that requires time, patience & above all honesty & frankness. Hatori is going thro depression, but time has done its duty of distancing him frm the core issue (kana), next both Shigure/Ayame talked to him in SE01, lake ep, to let him know that they’re frustrated abt his situation, trying to let him see hope. Then shigure from afar creates an opportunity for hatori. if hatori chooses to grap on, its his call. No force. No violence, No cheap thrills. This is by far my fave aspect abt this ep. The logical & realistic approach to helping someone taking into consideration the reality of his depression & his character. You rally forget this is an anime!!!! I’ve never seen this before! I love to so much! The amount of respect this author has for the characters’ mental state & the logical development of such situation in real life is brilliant!! You don’t watch furuba for redundant anime tropes or drama thrills. you watch traumatized characters handled with realistic development & logical progression. Hatori wasn’t healed simply cuz he asked Mayu out. He’s walking towards healing by accepting shigure’s help. by actually seizing the opportunity his friend offered him. it is just the start for him but we saw glimpses from the future. He made it!

Side Notes:

Shigure’s “ he liked you well enough” to Mayu was a true evaluation of Hatori’s feelings at that time. Hatori was in love with Kana. He also liked Mayu cuz kana made sure to gush abt her. Shigure’s words are meant to encourage Mayu that you’re not a stranger to hatori, you can build sth with him. starts from the friends base & see how things go from that.

I like that they flat out showed us Mayu/hatori’s future together as a couple without ambiguity. she’s in her short hair signalling change. Their story isn’t tied by the plot, or anybody. It can be free. It can be happy.

I’m sorry but Mayu cutting her hair is a crime! T_T. That magnificent hair!! All the cute her do’s. It’s okay..I’ll be happy once it’s yuki’s turn to cut his Akito’s-look-alike hair. He deserve it!

I love how the writer didn’t put women against each other!! (a)Mayu didn’t sell her friendship for a man who didn’t love her. (b)kana wasn’t insecure in her relationship with hatori that she was eying her female friend all the time. (c)Kagura, before realizing her one-sided love, didn’t do anything to tohru despite seeing how much kyo is falling for her!! Kyo falling in love with tohru isn’t tohru’s fault & kagura didn’t hate her for it! (d)tohru herself, despite seeing how toxic kagura’s affection was, didn’t actively seek to break them in order to “save” kyo ! that’s not her duty. Kyo can save himself & kagura can realize her mistake. It is sth they need to do for themselves!! brilliant & unique approach in handling woman’s relationship! LOVE IT!

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #pleased paper #hatori sohma #kana sohma #shigure sohma #mayu shiraki #SE02 #part2

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taeyongdoyoung · 4 years

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summary: you are a mermaid and you save a handsome man from drowning but little do you know it’s not his first rodeo when dealing with mermaids. seonghwa, a former prince, is currently hongjoong’s first mate and boyfriend. hongjoong is the captain, the pirate king of the most savage crew across the seas. and you want nothing to do with them. not because they’re pirates, but because they’re humans…

ship: mermaid!reader x prince/pirate!seonghwa x pirate!hongjoong

genre: little mermaid!au, pirate!au, romance, angst, fantasy

author’s note: why am i writing sm abt yeosang, this is supposed to be a seongjoongyn fic lmao; anygays, yeosang said polyamory rights

warnings: hongjoong suffers. a lot. but will make up for it later, i promise; insecurities; jealousy; blood only mentioned like once; possessiveness

word count: 1.5k (a bit shorter than usual cuz uni is a bitch and i have zero free time but wanted to update)

chapter one ☠️ chapter two ☠️ chapter three ☠️ chapter five ☠️ chapter six ☠️ chapter seven ☠️ chapter eight ☠️ chapter nine ☠️ chapter ten ☠️ chapter eleven ☠️ chapter twelve ☠️ chapter thirteen ☠️ spotify playlist

You swam towards the surface together with your sister Soojin. She had finally talked you into meeting up with those pirates once again. You didn’t what to admit it to her, but you were pretty excited. You were curious to find out more about them. Even though they were humans. Or maybe because of that.

Every braincell in your mermaid body was telling you to swim away from this situation and never look back. But your foolish heart was swimming further, deeper into danger.

“There’s the ship!” Soojin screamed eagerly, pointing in the distance.

“You’re right,” you responded flatly, somewhat awestruck by the way it looked at twilight. The pink sky was painting its sails like magic. As the yellow sun was setting into the sea, you could only think one thing: you had never seen such beauty before in your life. And it scared you that you were already so attached to this new world.

“Come on,” Soojin urged you, swimming way ahead of you.

Your tail had a mind of its own as you followed her, not even bothering to object. You were in too deep. Which was ironic, considering you were swimming across the sea surface, its true depths long forgotten.

“Yeosang!” Soojin sang the boy’s name and started knocking onto the wooden ship. “Come out, you punk! I travelled a long way just to see you.”

Soon enough, the blonde pirate you’d briefly noticed earlier showed up.

“Soojin!” he beamed happily and jumped into the water without thinking twice. “I missed you.”

“Me too, silly,” Soojin stroked his hair sweetly and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. You felt as if you were intruding by witnessing their blossoming relationship, so you looked away from them awkwardly.

“You keeping the ring I gave you safe?” Yeosang asked your sister.

“Of course. You trust me?”

Yeosang nodded.

“Even though I only just met you.”

Soojin smiled and buried her head into his chest. You were looking away but something made you curiously sneak a peak or two at them every once in a while. Yeosang’s attention was suddenly on you.

“Did you come to see Seonghwa?” he inquired.

“N-no,” you quickly responded. “I just came to make sure you delinquents wouldn’t hurt my Soojin or something.”

Yeosang scoffed loudly.

“Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.”

You groaned in annoyance.

“You want me to call Seonghwa? I’m sure he’d be delighted to talk to you again.”

“If it’s not too much trouble…” you answered ambiguously.

“Be right back,” Yeosang promised and started climbing in an experienced manner back onto the ship.

“Hey, don’t leave me!” Soojin complained.

“Will return in the blink of an eye, love.”

“You better!” Soojin threatened vaguely. “Or else!”

☠️☠️☠️

Seonghwa’s POV

“I didn’t think I’d see you again,” I spoke honestly to Y/N.

“You and me both,” she replied coldly.

“You didn’t want to see me again?” I asked her in a sad voice.

“Wasn’t planning on it. Soojin dragged me here.”

“Purely against your will?” I suggested.

“Well…I suppose a small part of me was curious…”

“About?”

“You could have just thanked me and that’s it. End of story. You didn’t have to go out of your way to show me all these delicious fruits and spend all this time around me. So…why did you do it?”

“I suppose I was curious, too.”

“About?” Y/N repeated, mocking my voice.

I rolled my eyes.

“You’ll have to stick around to find out,” I responded cleverly, hoping she would fall for the trick and really choose to stay.

“Does it have to be that difficult?” she wanted to know.

“What’s difficult about it? You’re a mermaid and can swim whenever and wherever you want to. I’m a pirate and our ship can go anywhere at any time. It’s a perfect match, don’t you think?”

Y/N shook her head, apparently disagreeing with me.

“You know why I can’t,” she said, her voice strained with pain.

Like I needed a reminder of the woman I’d loved and lost. But maybe, destiny was giving me another choice. To make things right. If not…why had fate decided to send Y/N my way? Could it be a mere coincidence? I didn’t know but I wanted to fight for her.

“How about this…you don’t have to make any promises to stay. But if you’re ever bored, you can swim around the ship and say my name. I’ll answer to your call.”

“What’s with you?” the mermaid chuckled. “Seonghwa.”

“You remembered,” I whispered fondly, suddenly recalling our conversation on the boat.

“I might be an idiot, but I’m not stupid,” Y/N joked. “So…will your boyfriend scold you for hanging out with me?”

“How did you figure it out?” I asked.

“Oh, please. Last time he was reeking of jealousy.”

“You can smell that shit?”

Y/N laughed.

“What, you thought having a tail was the only perk about being a mermaid?”

“You’re extraordinary,” I panted, suppressing the urge to bring my face closer to hers. This was wrong.

“I so am,” she smirked confidently. “But seriously, we shouldn’t anger him. You said he was the captain, right? Doesn’t that give him…I don’t know, more power over you?”

I shrugged.

“No one holds power over me.”

“Not even your own heart?” Y/N teased and placed her hand on my chest. This was so wrong, I kept telling myself. Hongjoong could see us any minute if he decided to go out of his cabin.

“N-no,” I stammered unconvincingly, as she approached me like a snake, spreading her poison slowly into my blood.

“Liar,” Y/N whispered and I could feel my heart beating faster.

Then, she pulled away as quickly as she’d gotten closer.

“See, that’s why I don’t want anything to do with you humans. Even the slightest word or movement could make you so weak. It’s pathetic, really. Don’t you think?”

“It’s better than being cold. Or not having a heart.”

She was obviously struggling to keep up the charade of not feeling anything. I could see her swallowing on nothing but air as she was trying to figure out what to say or do next. Like it was a game of chess.

“Fish are cold. I’m part-fish, remember?”

“You’re also part-human, remember?” I shot back wittily. “Since you claim to dislike us so much, you might as well reconsider…aren’t you a bit like me?”

“I’m nothing like you,” Y/N spat out, denying her humanity. “The sooner you realize this, the better.”

“Yes, you are. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be terrified of getting hurt.”

“It’s called self-preservation, you idiot!”

“No. It’s called being human.”

She sighed exasperatedly.

“I’m tired of all this arguing. Let’s just stay here in silence. Please?”

I nodded, finding that silence felt somewhat comforting when I was in her presence. The sun had already set and the moon was shining brightly upon us. Despite the celestial body’s beauty, I could only focus on her. Her face seemed serene but the rest of her was tense. I hesitantly placed my hand on her back. She slightly jumped up in surprise but soon enough, relaxed under my touch. I simply looked at her calmly and expected her to do the same. Maybe this was wrong. But I couldn’t give her up.

☠️☠️☠️

Hongjoong’s POV

I followed him outside. Quietly. Making myself invisible. It’s what he would have wanted, no? For me not to witness this. Well, what I wanted was make him believe that I hadn’t. But I heard every word. Felt every touch as if it were a dagger in my back. Saw every hidden glance. Even in the dark. Smelt the sea as the wind blew on and on. Tasted the salt on my tongue and the blood as I was biting down on my cheeks to stop myself from screaming. Maybe she was right. I was reeking of jealousy. But I had every right, didn’t I? He had promised something. And even though he hadn’t exactly left, why did it feel like his heart already belonged to someone else? Why did I feel the betrayal shattering my bones like stones being thrown my way? Why was he looking at her like that? I kept repeating to myself that he hadn’t abandoned me, not really. But why did it feel like he had?

My painful thoughts were interrupted by a light touch on my arm. I swiftly turned around, grabbing the hand that had dared approach me. It was Yeosang. I released my hold on him.

“Hyung…don’t torture yourself,” he spoke softly.

“Leave me alone, Yeosang. I’m not in the mood to talk.”

“He would never leave you. You know that, right?”

“What does it look like to you, hm?” I questioned him angrily, barely managing to keep my voice down so that Seonghwa and Y/N wouldn’t find out I was eavesdropping.

“There are people who take more than one significant other, you know? That doesn’t mean he loves you any less.”

I closed my eyes, because I was afraid he’d see I’d been crying.

“I can’t share him with anyone. It would kill me.”

“But, hyung, can’t you tell he would do anything for you?” Yeosang insisted. “If you told him to let her go, he would. But is that the kind of boyfriend you’d like to be? You could find a solution. One that makes you both happy.”

“Just drop it, Yeosang. I can’t even consider this right now.”

Yeosang nodded and left. I could tell this wasn’t the end of this conversation. It was only the beginning.

To be continued…

#ateez #seonghwa #hongjoong #seongjoong #seonghwa x reader #yeosang #ateez fanfic #ateez angst #ateez x reader #soojin #(g)i-dle #pirate au #mermaid au #writing

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themanicgalaxy · 4 years

Text

SPN 2X1 In My Time Of Dying

Oh my god I had to write 2x, we in season 2 babie(god first episode of this weekend I am so tired I did swimming and iso)

The song and recap however? shot very well, i like

if I hear FaMilY bUsinEss one more time I’mma lose it

oh right they got hit with the truck

and they’re all bleeding

is...is that bad moon rising? credence clearwater revival?

SAM’S AWAKE?

oh my god evil demon cloud

Dean and John are unresponsive oh my god

also aw the smash cut is when Sam yells for Dean

oooo hospital dream sequence, I do love me a good hospital dream sequence

I wrote enough of them in my head to count i think

can...can no one see him? is he a ghost?

ooo Out of body experience

heh first time I noticed the little pentacle over the A in Supernatural

ah so John’s awake? but Dean isn’t

IS THIS WHERE JOHN DIES PLEASE SAY YES

Sam: ah Dean might not wake up

Dean in the dreamscape: SAM FORFUck’S SAKE

“your son is dying and you’re worried about the colt” TERRIBLE FUCKING FATHER

John just wakes up and move on fucking christ I dislike him

Dean glaring at his father and saying “well you sure know something”? with dramatic music? :)

Ah YES good shot this made me very happy

ah yes the incredibly normal emotional attachment to a car

that whole speech of “I gave you everything and now you’re gonna sit here and watch me die” and “what kind of a father are you” hurts oh my god it hurts

is this where he realizes John’s a bad father

WEIRD SPECTER THING??

Oh right Dean’s the peacemaker and he’s currently out of commission oh my fucking god

and now they’re just screaming at each other

HE DID THE THING!

oh my god and he’s dying again

DEAN GOES FOR THE SPECTER THING!

SAM HEARS HIM!

look I know damn well Jensen Ackles is like six feet tall but THEY SHOOT IT LIKE HE’S SO SHORT WHY DO THEY DO THIS

EY ANOTHER OUT OF BODY PERSON

i ThiNk thEre wEre SOmE ComplCationS Dean you snarky lil shit

FINALLY John gives up on the quest for revenge until Dean’s ok

was he lying? I feel like he’s lying

Dean: fate is bullshit

ah yes this totally isn’t foreshadowing

ah and the spirit thing kills the little girl

Sam buys a fucking ouija board bahahaha

aw it workedddd

Ah so it’s a natural death?

wait but that’s not what reapers looked like before

John you fucking liar

“thanks for not giving up on me sammy” DFHAIPSHFASPO

OH IT WAS TESSA

Yeah she took it way too well

John’s doing weird occult magic fine I don’t care about him

Ok but demon man in this guy’s body with the sass? that’s fun, I like villains like that

“You can’t go now...we were just starting to be brothers again” :(

“there’s no such thing as an honorable death” is kinda a cool line

I know it’s not supposed to be funny but the you’Ve bEcome Th e VerY thinG You Swore to Destroy is just...i can’t stop laughing

“if only your boys knew how much their daddy loved them” THEY DIDn’T THATS THE PROBLEM

how long have you fucking known John. HOW LONG JOHN

The reaper? is scareD? OH THAT’S HORRIFYING

DID THE REAPER DIE??

AND THE “today’s your lucky day, kid,” AND THEN THE SMASHCUT TO WAKE UP

“you gotta have some kind of angel” FAHIDPASFPASI BAHAHAHA

ah yes in true form, he doesn’t remember shit

john please tell your children information

COMMUNICATION! GOD THIS FAMILY IS SO BAD AT COMMUNICATION

Dean really was the rock for this fuckign family oh my god

At least...john realizes he was bad at being a dad?

especially to dean at least

AW HE SAYS HE’S PROUD

and Dean has to fucking check oshfa;f

I mean it’s very late, you’ve given this kid complexes galore, but at least you said it once

ey and Sam with the episodely coffee

ah and here is where John dies ok

aight wrap-up:

1. just gotta get it out of the way that the fact that most of the dead people are women. I mean we been knew but I have to mention that the Random Victims were all women, and then also John

2. The lore with reapers and demons, and how the demon possessed Tessa, and how she altered perception was actually very cool and very engaging, and that out of body experience was really interesting. The lore was top-notch

the “you’ll become the very thing you swore to destroy” is still funny tho

I know it wasn’t meant to be but it was

3. and uh...the relationships. This is the only episode John has been in where he has even ~vaguely been sympathetic, and while he annoys the hell out of me in season 1, I will give the fact that he self-reflected a little bit and chose to save the son that had given everything for him was nice. He gave no other information and for that that annoys me, but that speech at the end? that must have been good to hear

I mean, it’s too little too late and the fact that Dean had to check it was his dad kinda speaks volumes. I mean this always begs the question of “does the apology make up for everything?” In the specific case of “I had to actually be smacked in the face to help you,” then yes. In the sheer amount of complexes Dean got out of it? no? One sad speech of “I fucked up” does not repair anything, altho again, it had to have felt good.

I don’t know, I still don’t have an answer to this question when I think about it in terms of myself, nothing makes sense, He was just more sympathetic this time around.

didn’t feel shit when he died tho, altho that could be cuz I saw it coming/was spoiled

4. Dean’s whole “fuck fate” mentality, the fact that we won’t ever know what his answer was to “are you ready to die,” the fact that he doesn’t really remember it, the way he was trying to play peacemaker even in depth, even the little digs at his dad, were all incredibly fun to see

honestly, I think the fact that Sam is the protagonist works against him, cuz he has to follow Protagonist Rules so he doesn’t get as many interesting things to do. There’s no ambiguity there, as of not right now, which sucks, cuz Sam could be rly cool

ah and there’s the hatred for western protagonists I seem to keep getting I don’t even know why

I don’t know. thoughts are jumbled mess, but it was a cool episode. And season 2 onwards!

#pawswatchesspn #2x1 In My Time Of Dying #Cool lore #but I'm very conflicted #and very tired #I'm sure I'll go back to being a John Hater on main once we get more backstory #and now it's just John-neutral so it's not like I'm ever gonna be pro john #he's very much not a good father

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 7 years

Text

8 things finishing my 8th book taught me

*I wrote this post on the 16th of October, for the record!*

Hey People of Earth!

So just like in the post I wrote up in January when I finished my seventh novel, this is kind of nuts to say, and I didn't think I’d be writing this for another month, but uh.

I finished my eighth book.

jskwiclksalwkmevlqk

I’m going to quote past me in that particular post (which you can read HERE) because if this isn't scary accurate, I dunno what is:

So I kind of made a stupid, somewhat fleeting goal this past Friday, as I usually do. And that was to finish this book at all costs.

It doesn't *really* surprise me that that I finished my seventh novel, and then my eighth under the same parameters, lol. (Both were finished on Sunday nights too, I believe?)

I genuinely can’t believe this book is over. It’s been eight months of writing this novel (HA eight months for my eighth book) and I can say I’m genuinely so sad it’s over. I walked around today feeling like I lost an important part of myself which is really dramatic seeming as though I just finished the book, but I hope someone out there relates.

I started this book right after finishing my seventh novel (book four in this series), and I’ll be honest--I was so scared about writing this book. Book seven gave me a really hard time, and I almost thought I’d made a mistake in a) continuing this story and b) taking it in the direction I did. I couldn't evade fear when writing this novel. Starting it took me a while because it was so nerve-wracking to think it could be as much of a struggle as the last. I didn't want to fail because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of that rut, and then end up with an unfinished series.

Annnnnnd then I started my Doing the Write Thing updates, and all of that worry faded a bit. I started DtWT at a little under 10k words, and reached a little under 160k through that series. It kept me accountable. It excited me, and more than anything, motivated me. I know I mentioned this in DtWT #61, but thank you again for supporting that series so much, and for reading those posts. Genuinely, it means a lot to share my work with you, and to see my work improve as each post passes. I really don't know if I would’ve finished this novel without that series. It really kicked me into the gear of writing again, and gahhhh, thank you again.

FOSTERED #5 houses some of my best work, but most importantly, taught me so, so much, and so, here I bring to you, eight things finishing my eighth novel taught me.

1. I really care about writing.

This is my eighth book, and I can confidently say this is the only one in which I cared about the writing from start to finish. (Sounds strange, but I’ll explain.)While writing is a lot of things, at its core, writing is writing, and it took me eight books to really immerse myself in words and enjoy using them as tools to create something beautiful. I crave beautiful prose—a desire I didn’t really feel until writing this book. Making sentences read and sound like art is what I strive for now.

From books 1-6, writing wasn't my top priority. Telling a story no matter the quality was my priority, and while that isn't wrong, I think working with that mindset for so long wasn't becoming enough for me. I needed to re-evaluate, and really focusing on the craft of writing, rather than storytelling was what I needed. Of course, writing also includes good storytelling, but I feel, looking back on it, that until halfway around book seven, I didn't even think about the writing. I didn't edit it all that much, and most importantly, didn't care about writing. I liked words, yeah, and enjoyed creating the random nice sentence here and there, but I didn't view it as something I could use to create art. Now, good writing means a lot to me, and while I don't think my writing is perfect, and could use improvement, I’m so happy with the improvement I’ve made and the love of actual writing I’ve procured start-to-finish through it. :)

2. Sometimes acceptance takes time.

Book four of this series (my seventh novel) took me a very, very long time to accept, and even after I’d written it, I wasn’t confident in the route I’d taken it. I still had the same worries when writing book five and it took a whole lot of crying to realize that I’m very proud of how these last two books turned out. I’m an emotional person, but don't often show my emotions, so it’s sort of funny looking back how much I cried when writing this book, HA. I had a lot of worries about this novel, and my anxiety was eating me alive every time I wrote it. That was my issue in the beginning, but I found, the more time went on in writing this book, the more I accepted it, and the more I grew to really love it. So, if you’re in a position like me, and you’re seriously not feeling your book, sometimes time is the best remedy.

3. Moments like these are the ones you need to cherish.

When I was writing the last paragraph or so of this book, I got really emotional (lol how do I say that without sounding melodramatic). I didn’t cry or anything, but it felt like I was losing something. It was bittersweet. I’ve never felt this way before when I’ve finished a novel. It’s honestly usually been me moving onto the next book the same day or the next day, or feeling content.

But this… was something else. It was letting go of something I loved so much. I learned through this book that every time you write your book is time you should cherish. It’s something you spend a chunk of your life on. Moments happen around your book, and your book is there with you to experience them. This book in particular holds such a strong place in my heart because it gave me--as cheesy as it sounds lol rip--some new hope.

I learned to love the book I write when I write it even if it’s a pain. To cherish my time with this book, and to take my time. It hurt to finish it, honestly, I guess it’s particularly angsty for me to say I feel this grief for something that hasn't left me. I’m so glad it’s done, but it was like closing the door to a chapter I didn’t want to end. It had to end in that spot, rightfully so, but I wanted to hang onto it for as long as I could. I genuinely appreciate every moment I had to write this book, looking back. And I’m so happy I learned so much through it.

4. Taking your time isn’t a bad thing.

This sort of bounces off that last one, but this is a lesson I learned the hard way. My average drafting time before I wrote my seventh book was 3 months. This book, as I mentioned, took me eight months, and before then, the longest it’d taken me to write a novel was six months, and that was the hardest book I’d ever written. A big issue I had when I was writing book four in this series was that I felt as if taking three months longer than my average to draft was a telling sign that I was struggling with the book. I can pretty much say writing this novel was a bit of a breeze (it had its moments, but overall), and taking my time helped in terms of quality. A disclaimer, the time it takes to write a book varies from writer to writer, so this is completely personal, but I feel like taking a little longer writing this book realllyyyyyyy amped it up in the prose department.

Not to roast past me, but yooooo my older books lacked a lottttttttt of literary merit, like where is the good writing cuz I see none, lol. Not to say this book is amazing and the writing is excellent, but I do see a substantial improvement from my older stuff. So yes, initially when I started writing this book I was keen on finishing it in three months and rushing it so I could just be done and write something else. But as time went on, I realized that there is no rush. Even though I constantly feel at rush in my life (for mental health reasons I don't want to get into now, but if you’re curious, let me know!), I learned to take it slow. Enjoy the writing process, and create something at the end of the day, regardless of how long it takes.

5. I’m growing up.

A common question I posed while writing this book to myself and to my sister was well where did all the fun times go? Books 1-3 in this story are pretty juvenile—more banter between characters, ‘missions’, and so on, but as I aged, I found those things dried up and turned into just straight melancholy? (lol) I don’t have many if any fun times in book five, not in the sense I defined fun times as at least in the past. This series has spanned five books, and three years of my life, so I’ve done a lot of growing up since writing the first one. Its message and morals have gone from super obvious to pretty ambiguous, and the lines of morality have been blurred quite a bit (which I enjoy incorporating into my writing now). Right and wrong aren’t as easily spotted (and tbh this book is totallllyyyyy not suited for a YA audience lol content is hella graphic but), and a lot of it is rooted in the darkest corners of the human mind. I don't know if 13-year-old me would’ve expected these books to wind up in this path, but 16-year-old me is cool with where it is. I left a lot of me in these books, and pretty much grew up with them. It’s strange to have captured so much growth of myself personally in these novels, but this is already something I've learned to cherish.

6. I might actually be a true Pantser (but we’ll see)

So if any of you have been following this blog since the good ol’ 2015 days, it’s common knowledge that I made it clear I was a Pantser. I pantsed everyyyythiiiiingggg. In recent years, I’ve decided to start outlining projects I plan on publishing (for the most part, excluding ALANNIS) just so I can see what I’m getting into before I start. The FOSTERED series, since it’s all personal stuff, isn’t going to be published. I pants these books, but occasionally, and I found this happened a lot more with book five, I’ll write up ‘scene screenplays’ which are basically just the bones of a scene.

OH did I find out that writing with a guideline does noooottttt work for me. I’m not going to say anything here is permanent, but I pretty much realized my writing with my outline VS without one is drastically different... I’m not actually happy about this discovery to be honest, as I've already started outlining a couple projects, and the struggle was so real when writing with an outline for this novel. I really do hope this is not the case, and was just subjective to this book, but yes, this was a major lesson I picked up on when writing this particular book (and I reallllllllyyyyyyyy hope this changes)!

7. I like writing really sad, dark things

This is sorta morbid, I’m sorry, but I’m really into writing all things dark and upsetting and overall, enjoy a darker tone in my writing. I noticed, if I had any ‘happier’ scene, it’d take me a little longer to write/I had more trouble writing it. Don’t know what that says about me, but as someone who is sort of naturally on the darker side (edgy af the edge is real), it makes sense that I do enjoy the not so pleasant sides of the mind, and life. Or, I’m just really angsty, and angst (poetic angst in this book, I’ll say) is all you need. Love is all you need more like angst is all you need.

*angst*

I don't think there’s anything particularly wrong with enjoying writing darker things, and I noted that I often struggle writing joy. Honestly this is just sad, lol. (But I mean look at my boi Edgar, he wrote lots of dark things and I mean that's my dude now speaking of Edgar, the epigraph of this novel [which I’m including, even if the others don’t because epigraphs are aesthetic goals] is an Edgar quote and Edgar is my bro.)

8. I love this book so much, and if I could go back and tell myself I would have when I started it, I would.

I worried a lot when I started this novel. I worried it would fail, that it would get nowhere, that it would end unfinished, that I’d taken it the wrong route, that it would take too long to write, that I wouldn’t enjoy what I was writing, that the plot was dumb, that I focused on the wrong things, that the first chapter wasn’t strong enough, and a whole other laundry list of worries pretty common between writers. I really would go back to my past self and tell her not to worry. To tell her that just because she wrote this book and said she wouldn't, doesn't mean the product would be shitty. I’m genuinely proud of this novel, and I don't know if I’ve said that in a long time. I’m happy I wrote it. Happy I poured eight months of my life into it, and most importantly, am happy it taught me so many valuable lessons. I’m happy I got to connect with you on another level through it, and happy I carried it with me through this stage of my life. It saw my hatred, and my worst moments, my great moments, my worry, and every other emotion I also tried to share on here. Books are books, but this one felt like a friend. I’m sad to lose my friend now, but I’m thankful for the time we spent together. This got all sappy again, but yes. Thank you, book. I will miss writing you, lol.

So that’s it for today’s post. I had a blast writing this. It’s always a nice reflective period to go back in time and really point out what exactly I learned through this journey. I think this novel shaped me a lot as a writer, and I’m happy to move into other projects without it, because I feel like I know a lot more than I did before. Thank you for being on this journey with me, and for reading through everything that happened in these last eight months. I truly appreciate everything you give me, and couldn't express my thanks enough.

Aaaaand before I leave, a mega thanks to my dudes who continuously supported this journey: @sarahkelsiwrites, @sssoto and @shaelinwrites for listening, encouraging, and teaching me so many things about writing.

See you in the next one. :)

--Rachel

#Writing

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jimlingss · 7 years

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I literally hate myself i'm so damn emotional it's BARELY THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER & i'm already getting all emotional cuz of the baby shower & taehyung's letter inviting her to his graduation 😭😭😭 just thinking about him sitting at his desk, thinking about y/n, biting his lip a lil to hold back a smile as he thinks about her, a warm yellow desk light turning his caramel skin gold 😭 & then the fact that i could somewhat imagine what the baby looks like due to that one baby pic of jin 😂😭

[Potential Spoilers Below]

myjeansareonfire said:AND JUNGKOOK'S GON OPEN A RESTAURANT IMAGINE HIM IN THE FUTURE VIGOROUSLY COOKING DISHES HIS SLEEVES ROLLED UP HIS APRON TIED, WIPING AT HIS BROW CUZ OF THE HEAT OF THE KITCHEN, YELLING OUT DIRECTIONS AT THE OTHER COOKS HPSKSKAJDJAJ AND IMAGINE HIM WORKING HARD EVERYDAY AT UNIVERSITY, MAKING FRIENDS ALONG THE WAY AND WHEN HE GETS SIDE TRACKED HE THINKS OF HIS MOTHER AND Y/N AND WHAT THEY WOULD THINK AND WANT FOR HIM AND IT ENCOURAGES HIM TO WORK HARDER

A-and then... The self control... The maturity... The-the IDK MAN THE FACT THAT YOONGI WAS ABLE TO DO THAT AND /FORGIVE THE DAMN GUY/ I'M 💀 i'm so amazed and proud and happy i'm like that gif of that girl crying and covering her mouth with one hand while fist pumping with the other

T_T Now I can imagine Jungkook doing that too *screams*. You’re making me think of the other characters and their future and oh man...I got a really soft spot for Taehyung’s character....BUT DAMN THAT IMAGE OF JUNGKOOK WASHING THE DISHES - DON’T MAKE SWERVE LANESSSS. *fans self*

wHAT WHO'S THAT PERSON IN THE PICTURE AND WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM ·O·

Namjoon turned into a softy my HEART also the image of him just picking up the child & throwing him into the light is quiet amusing tbh

Namjoon’s my favourite character of the trio. I’m very satisfied with his character development. And I love softness. I love soft people, soft gestures - I’m a very soft person inside as you can tell lol.

I'M SCREAMING WTF WTF WTFW TWFVA WHAT'S HAPPENING HOSEOK NO NO! NONONONOOOOOOO WHY 😭😭😭 SO HE'S THE PERSON?!?!? HAKDJAKKAJSKDCXJSJ WHAT'S HAPPENING GGGG I CAN'T I CAN'T!!!!! MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S BEING RIPPED APPART AHHHHHH IT HURTS

Ohmygod jesus christ. What is this PAIN. That ending... Almost rivaled GoD because of the pain i felt in my chest... Geez. I am on the FLOOR i was /not/ ready for that. But i cannot tell you how releaved i was when i realized she was old and namjoon was there.... LOL i kinda feel bad cuz i was happy she died but like 😂😭 she was gonna see hoseok again! She was gonna be with him forever and that realization stitched my heart back together piece by piece

Part of me understand how you feel (since I cried sooo hard editing it) but the other part of me is laughing in my cave. I think it’s a very bittersweet ending - for sure.

And /girl/ i knew it!! I /knew/ y/n had to have known him in his past life... It's hard believing that she didn't tell him tho ;-; but i understand her reasons 💔 and GEEZ HE DIED IN SUCH A HORRIBLE WAY 😭😭 such a painful, painful way... Did you do that to show his strength and courage? I was thinking at first that that's such a cruel way to go but then again, i guess i kind of prefer it to an immediate death? Because.. Idk it's just kind of.. Beautiful in sad way? That ending also just (1/3)

seems to suite you as a writer more. It's more like, your style? And its more satisfying to see the prolonged way you write it. And our pain is kind of spared at the end knowing that she's gonna end up with hoseok anyway :') this series caused a lot of heart ache but in the most beautiful way. You have an amazing skill that never fails to blow me 👏 away 👏. How you can write to make people feel two polar opposite emotions and so well 👏 done 👏 always baffles me. This series (2/3)

might not be for everyone and i understand why but dear lord, i would do this all over again 😪 i'm just in awe right now 😂😭 another series... Well done :') 👏 (also on a side note that character 👏 growth 👏 tho!!!!!👏👏👏 for all three of them! I felt like a proud mom seeing her kids off to college 😭 but at the same time sad that they're leaving ya feel ;( ) i'm off to reread Devil's own luck :D (3/3)

I’m still working on my suspense skills - I think it’s better this time around than it was for His Name. (the following is a His Name Spoiler - do not read if you do not want to spoiled) I made it pretty obvious Yoongi was the mysterious boy in Jungkook’s head and ppl had already began guessing that in the second chapter ._. so I tried harder to make it more ambiguous if Y/N and Hoseok had ties or not. I’m still working on it haha but I think it was much better this time around. When I was considering the way Hoseok died...I had to select something that was far away from Y/N’s home so he couldn’t run into her automatically and it had to be a death that was slow - for the OC to be able to “finish” grieving (or at least the hysterical crying shock) so it wouldn’t be obvious. With creating a physical distance and a time distance, the OC is able to be more coldhearted towards Hoseok and not run into his arms, sobbing and stuff. Something like that. It ties together with the beginning - how Hoseok wakes up in darkness and in rubble. (Oooh). Also, a slower death allows him to think about his last wish and about the OC as opposed to a sudden one.

I’m glad you enjoyed the bittersweet ending :) And yes someone once said an angst story is only true if it ends with angst but man, if I read angst and it ends like that I become really sad so I try to find a medium. BUT WOW I AM SO HAPPY TO BE CONSIDERED TO HAVE A STYLE - THANKS :D Thank you so much for your support and detailed responses, I couldn’t have done it without you either.

For your dedication and for any readers who read the entirety of this message - I’ll reward you with an easter egg. A special secret hidden message.

In chapter 4, the OC describes someone she used to know, someone who hated spinach but it kept coming back to that person, in the same way she is forced to use her abilities. In the same chapter, later on...Hoseok expresses his disgust for spinach.

#myjeansareonfire #Jimlings

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hadjii-blogs-undertale · 7 years

Text

[23 days later]

In reference to https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/163800444030/

@lynns-art-blog

...

And honestly, @everyone-needs-a-hoopoe because there's things in here that go for you too. Please read it through to the end. Or just skip to the very end at first and then go back and read through if you need.

I really, really, really didn’t actually want to get off my butt and do this, for multiple reasons. And not just cuz I’m a lazy jackhole with depression who doesn’t want to do anything in general. But recent events have brought things to a head, and I cannot remain silent any longer.

First, I should like to clarify just where I stand as regarding the Undertale fandom.

The Undertale fandom is a beautiful thing. It is extremely imperfect but I love the fandom and will continue to do so for as long as I am able.

Second, I should like to clarify where I stand as regarding Undertale itself.

It will be difficult however, because I love Undertale more than I am capable of putting into any transferable medium that I know of.

Am I a bit emotionally over-invested in Undertale?

Heck. Yes.

I also don't care that I am.

Undertale has brought more joy and happiness and meaning to my life than literally anything else save my family who raised me and loves me, my religion, and a shortlist of friends, some of whom I only have so dear to my heart because of Undertale, so the point is moot.

I can't say that Undertale cured my depression, because it didn't.

What it did do is it showed me at a critical point in my life that there's something outside the grey murky mire.

I'd considered myself an emotionally open person before Undertale. This was only vaguely true. Current me cannot comfortably say that old me was emotionally intelligent without severe disclaimers.

Old me was an emotionally awkward dirtbag who had some idea of how to be a person but on the whole was completely clueless.

I had forgotten how to feel. Like, really feel. And not just from the depression.

I could occasionally get hits from certain songs and I absolutely lived for those moments but the songs would rapidly hit their saturation levels and I'd be cold again.

Then Undertale came along. I loved the game long before I played it, discovering things about it slowly through an endless flood of my tumblr feed.

It looked like a rather good, cute, compelling little game. Eventually I decided to write a bit of fanfiction about it because it looked really good and I wanted to churn out what would happen if GLaD had an interaction with a murdery timeline.

So I went and researched. I dug and I dug and I dug. This wasn't all of my research, but on one particular tumblr alone I went through 700-odd undertale posts.

Between that and pouring out my heart and soul into the writing as I discovered just how much I could care about these things, or care in general really, I found that I'd left the door open, and something came back. A whole lot of something.

Undertale is a Happy™ game about Happy™ things.

I had learned that maybe sad things weren't all bad back from the days of Background Pony. The difference being, Background Pony had a disappointing, absurd ending. They'd won the right even by my sappy heart to have a sad ending, then they completely botched it. I'd associated one of the most significant songs I know of with it, and they failed terribly.

But Undertale had a good ending. As aggravating as it is to not be able to keep Asriel, much less Chara, in the bounds of the game itself, that's part of the point of the ending. So there was no knee-jerk shock. While it is true that in a practical Undertale implementation, unbounded by the Game Maker engine, fuelled by the raw power of Determination, human spirit, and imagination, surely something more could have been achieved. But that does not take away from the coherent ending of Undertale.

There is a lot of pain in Undertale. So much pain.

It is overwhelming and vivid and searing and scorching and so very, very tangible and understandable and real. Not that the events of the game are real, well, as far as I can tell. The emotions are deep and real, I mean.

This was to me as the gas leak was to Vinny Santorini in Atlantis.

Due to the combined pressure of the mental overhaul Undertale was giving me, and the softness and vulnerability it re-introduced, throwing in re-learning certain cold facts about how much the powers-that-be at my previous job didn't care about doing good work, only making money, more severely than I had previously believed from last year, I lost my ability to continue driving there and showing up every day. Now, due to the way the contract works, and my having left the job gracefully, I am free to go back whenever I want. I was not fired. There are many employees who just go there, work as long as they can, then leave and wait for next season to come back. Their efforts are appreciated, especially when all heck breaks loose at the beginning of the on-season because all the bugs in the software that weren't found yet are harsly exposed. What happened with me is not ideal, nor is it rare or even unusual at this place. In about 3 months I could walk in the door and they'd welcome me with a smile and I'd get back to politely telling people that they're wrong and clueless and fixing their crap for them and half the time doing their job for them. (as if that's terribly different than my current job... just in person now instead of over a phone)

Anyways, so, Undertale hurts. Loving Undertale so deeply hurts a lot.

But it's also happy. It has so much happiness. It's so bright and wonderful. It's a warm, soft, fuzzy hug from goatmom and a slice of butterscotch pie. It's making spaghetti with Papyrus, only using an actual recipe this time and making it turn out well. It's watching anime until 4 am with Alphys and Undyne and suppressing giggles at seeing the two precious gay babies asleep and cuddling. It's hugging Sans and telling him it'll be okay. It's having a lovely tea party with Asgore and Muffet.

It's kissing a sad sapient golden flower on the forehead, buying a bar of chocolate and raising it in the air as a toast before eating it.

Bittersweet happiness sometimes but so very, very good and I love it and I really cannot get enough.

I'm addicted. Addicted to feeling again.

As the band Ghost says, "From the pinnacle to the pit, it is a long way down."

I haven't been to the absolute bottom, in that I haven't been institutionalized/hospitalized/just straight up killed by my depression, But I have been in the shower for 4 hours before from 2 am to 6 am at college, for one thing, so uhhh, nobody can say that I'm utterly clueless about such things without looking like a lunatic.

https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164567314340

Posts like the above still rip my heart out every time I see them. I've long since re-associated the song mentioned earlier with this particular point of note of Chara.

It's not entirely pleasant, no, but it makes me feel so alive and real and like I'm an actual human being and not an emotionless, soulless automaton covered in flesh.

And the happy posts are just that much brighter because of the contrast.

https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164689197750 https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164498003145 https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164161681835 https://hadjii-blogs-undertale.tumblr.com/post/164061257705

Some people can get by on just fluff alone. There's nothing wrong with that. This is just the way I personally operate. As for me, I've had too much saccharine positivity and "oh dont be sad everything is completely fine and theres nothing to be sad about youre not depressed just get up and go to work son!"

sorry got sidetracked and a little oddly specific there anyways

So the point is from the above wall of text that I have a lot of investment in Undertale and it means a lot to me.

Now, it's time for me to pull receipts.

One receipt, to be exact.

On a semifamous Undertale blog, that I still have not responded to, and quite possibly never will, unless you count this post as a response.

http://charadreemurr.tumblr.com/post/157052680490

I literally couldn't even read their last response for a solid two months because my eyes would skim off the words because they were full of so much utter crap. When I did, I was sorry for it, because it was still so much crap. And no, this isn't like the average tumblr receipt pull, because a lot of the time, a given person has changed for the better, and the receipts you're pulling are for a dramatically different person. This person has not changed and as best as I can tell will never change, or at least not for the next decade or so, unless something dramatic happens. They were the OP of the twitter bustercluck. If you don't know, don't ask, because I don't feel like getting into that right now. I may do so later though in a different post.

All I was trying to do was share a little positivity, and I was met with discourse, hostility, and self-righteousness.

"And second “biological gender” is a statement rife with discontent-"

Pardon my french but wtf m8?

Since then I have learned more thoroughly that in more modern usage, that sex and gender don't have ambiguity and don't need "biological" and "identity" modifiers for clarification, so to a limited extent, they were correct.

However, this does not excuse their behavior. There are many people, myself included back then, that because of their upbringing are uncomfortable saying the word "sex" in any context. I am not now, but I was then, which is why I used "gender" with modifiers for clarification. I gave them multiple chances in earlier reblogs to realize that I was just trying to share a bit of happiness. I clearly conveyed the belief that what's in one's pants doesn't necessarily align with what's in one's head and that it's not a problem. I also clearly stated that when referring to Frisk and Chara, one should use they/them.

And yet, they chose to perceive a threat where there was none. They prefaced their statement with "Yikes" then "Im gonna assume the best here though because i wanna assume people are good"

And completely did not follow through on that.

Statement rife with discontent, indeed.

I was rather hurt by this. Especially, especially because of the uniqueness of their url. They are the one and only charadreemurr. That's a very particular title, and they ought to live up to it.

And here, they did not. Unless Chara Dreemurr really is supposed to be a pretentious self-serving self-righteous paranoid uptight jackhole of a binch. In which case, congratulations, they succeeded.

I showed the post to a different trans friend of mine, and they were shocked by the post as well, looked through their tumblr, and declared the person "basically their least favorite type of person".

To this day, I feel uneasy just seeing the word "yikes" sometimes.

I have mentioned it a few times to some people but this really sent me for a loop. I almost left the fandom on the spot, like far too many good people have done when they were burned by the toxic side of the fandom.

And honestly, if I'd lost Undertale at such a key point in my life, with my job already falling apart, and the other crap I was going through at the time, especially with the election, I cannot safely say that I'd still be here. With the friends that I wouldn't have made solid yet, I probably would have attempted suicide.

And believe me, I'm an engineer. I would not have survived. Knives, pills, guns, rope, water, heights, motor vehicles, police, fire, bleach, all are too unreliable for me. I know exactly how I would do it, if I were to ever do it.

Yeah, I know, it's not anyone's job to make sure I don't commit suicide beyond my own. People who threaten others with their own suicide are horribly manipulative. I am not threatening anyone with my suicide here. I'm not saying "ermagersh dont break up with me or ill literally kill myself" What I am saying is "X happened to me in the past and it's made me want to kill myself" Suicide baiting someone is a terrible thing to do. Accidental baiting someone is not someone's fault, as it's accidental, but generally one should try to avoid it. Very similar to triggering somebody. Don't trigger people. If you do, apologize, and do better in the future, and be more consistent about tags and crap.

Just for the record, due to that and other things that have happened to me, I know that I am not now and not ever going to die by my own hand.

Because, I stood up. I turned around. And like Captain America, I said "No. You move."

Well, in my head. I didn't actually say anything to them.

And I stayed.

And that has made all the difference.

I have a great job now that pays moderately well. I have a wonderful aspec girlfriend now. My life still sucks in so many ways but I actually oftentimes see a light at the end of the tunnel. The world is crap and it's going to get crappier but not everything will be bad forever.

Now, we get to the center of the issue, having explained some needed context.

Nonbinary Frisk and Chara.

I love nb Frisk and Chara.

I have not and will never make a Frisk or Chara that is anything but nb.

At one point, a certain Frisk was going to maybe use She/They (or He/They, hadn't decided yet) instead of just They when they became a parent, but I scrapped that idea long before any of this.

It is completely correct to use they/them pronouns when talking about Frisk and Chara in general. These are all that are used in the game itself.

The pertinent question though is does this mean that Frisk and Chara are canonically nonbinary, and what of people who make variants/instances that aren't nonbinary?

Thus far, most of the argument I've seen in favor of nonbinary being a forcible requirement is only slightly more solid than claiming that the Boss in the Saints Row series must be nonbinary, as an example.

Yes, it is true that in SR2 and later, one chooses the boss's sex.

However, they also choose a voice, and the voice doesn't necessarily have to match the physical sex. Trans and NB Bosses are completely plausible within the game's canon. All dialogue just refers to the Boss as They/Them, regardless of player choice, to the best of my knowledge. Or just refers to them as "The Boss". In SR:GOOH, Satan (yes, the literal Prince of Darkness, ruler of literal actual Hell) refers to The Boss as "They" so yeah. Anyways.

Honestly the strongest argument I've seen in favor of NB Frisk and Chara being canon is "Because NB people could use the representation!" Which boils down to "Because I said so!" Which boils down to "Because f*** you, that's why"

Now, I personally love this reasoning and I'm already on board, but with three quirks.

1. I can see why other people may not be so satisfied with this. 2. I cannot see this as an absolute requirement preventing any other possible interpretation of Frisk and Chara being okay. 3. I do not find this a remotely strong enough reasoning to condone attacking other people over it.

I personally headcanon NB Frisks and Charas being by far the dominant kind across the entire Undertale trunk. And I look across the internet at the many, many wonderful creative people who have instanced Frisk and Chara, and I see that this is so. And this is how it should be.

Frisk and Chara are excellent NB representation.

I quite firmly believe Tobyfox intended this to be so, and created them as such.

On a side note, I just found out the "my last wish for undertale is that when discussion of it fades it dies peacefully instead of morphing into a garbage cesspool" tweet was faked. Probably should've figured that out a long time ago, that's not quite how toby tweets.

...

Anyways,

https://twitter.com/UnderTale/status/644614840925978624

Tobyfox, the one who made Frisk and Chara so readily NB, who put so much NB representation into the game in general, did not ask for this. He did not create them to be sticks to beat others with. They were a gift of kindness. To say "Hey. Hey you. You matter and are important and are valid. Have two complex characters who have no indicated and strongly ambiguous gender, not even barriers blocking a particular interpretation."

Thats the kicker. No barriers blocking a particular interpretation. The road goes both ways.

Frisk and Chara were meant to be characters one identified with. "It's me, Chara." "It's you!"

Frisk and Chara ought to be NB, yes. Unless otherwise specified, they're NB.

Thing is, not everyone who plays Undertale is nb.

real shocker there yeah

Point is, hurting someone who's not nb for identifying with Chara or Frisk is on the same level of behavior as yelling at someone for being kin with the same character as someone else, or yelling at someone for selfshipping with the same character as someone else.

It's immature, unkind, greedy, and completely unnecessary. Even illogical.

Even if Frisk and Chara were real in their own timelines and not just pixels on a screen, there are an infinite number of instances and infinite number of variations of them.

Even if infinities don't appease one, and they demand to examine the situation proportion/representation-wise, NB Frisk and Chara dominate the multiverse.

And if that does not satisfy, then what will?

Even if the entire infinite expanse was filled solely with nb Charas and Frisks, and there was only one Frisk across the trunk who was not nb, because they were created by one author in memory of a cis person who played and loved Undertale and fought through the entire game reset after reset, in a fruitless effort to save Asriel, will you rip that from their hands, in the name of "equal representation"?

Will you be like David in the bible, who had more than anyone could ask for, and lost it all because he wanted one last thing? One more person to be theirs as well?

There is a song by Tool which is very relevant here.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tool/rightintwo.html

"Don't these talking monkeys know that Eden has enough to go around? Plenty in this holy garden, silly monkeys, Where there's one you're bound to divide it. Right in two."

I'm sorry, but I cannot condone vitriol over this. I cannot condone such hateful attitude and behaviors.

Just like the antifa who was punched by another antifa at a protest because they judged them by mere appearance to be a fascist, hatred doesn't accomplish anything.

There are times and places when due to the actions of other people, there is no valid choice remaining but violence.

This is seen in Undertale. Even when attempting to run a True Pacifist route, one has to beat down Asgore, and/or Flowey. This was seen back in WWII. We could not allow the Axis powers to enslave the world and murder whomever they wished.

This is not the case here.

Yes, there are those who purposely seek to misgender Frisks and Charas all around. Such folks correctly are rebuffed and banished to the shadows. And people who argue that Frisk or Chara canonically have to be a boy or girl really need to find a new hobby.

Those, if anyone, are the enemy. The lost, clueless, angry, bitter enemy, who need to be talked to and brought into the fold of those who know better, in true Undertale MERCY fashion. Or, if they will not listen, to be sent away, and blocked if harassment continues.

Random creatives on the internet who create a Frisk or Chara, maybe modelled after themselves, maybe after someone else, doens't matter, anyways, who happen to create one that isn't NB are not the enemy. Some young unlearned cis 12 year old who wants to be like Frisk and thinks Frisk is just like them, or that they are Frisk, and has little involvement with NB matters, or perhaps just hasn't yet heard of or seen how well NB and Chara and Frisk go together, is not the enemy.

NB folk have a lot of very, very real enemies. We have a long way to go as a species. Please, do not make up enemies where there are none.

I ask anyone who attacks others solely for having a different idea of Chara and Frisk's gender to please reconsider.

Please, spread NB Frisks and Charas all around the net. Let them enter the hearts of everyone who can appreciate this beautiful game. Not through anger and aggression, but through love and kindness and patience.

If you cannot abide my having such a stance on this, Mel, then I suppose this is farewell if you must break off all contact. And if you must leave, you may keep that commission money, whether or not you ever finish the art.

Thank you to anyone who reads the entirety of my words.

#language warning #suicide warning #meta #discourse #general trigger warning #things get deep here and i'm sorry but i had to share how i feel

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scottymccalled · 8 years

Photo

Let’s start it off with the one and only, the canon pairing of a sad sk8er boi and his tiny baker: Jack Zimmerman/Eric “Bitty” Bittle!

Ice Crew Please!

THE FIC THAT CHANGED E V E R Y T H I N G u don’t even KNOW oh my god

u read this and u r like: “ice crew au…?? wut” but U GUYS. READ IT.

I AM. BEGGING U. its so fucking funny but also so fucking meaningful and abt CREATING A Fa mILY !!!! and LoVe!!!! and frieNDShIP!!!

p.s i don’t want to spoil it but if u read it message me and ill talk to u abt the part that made me cry like actual tears bc thank god for friendships and acknowledging that shit is hard

the messes of men

this was… in it’s own way.. a hard fic to read (which makes it the best fic to read! pain! i love it! help me!) it’s very very very beautifully written and i hold it very close to my heart….how it portrays jack by himself and how hard it must’ve been…it also manages to weave in how mental illness plays its own role, even once you get together with the person you’re pretty sure is it for you. somewhat painful but cathartic and achingly tender.

until it got the best of you

umm bitty has a big dick. that’s it.

BUT then there’s feelings! and angst! and misunderstanding! (the best type too! u know when one is like so crazily in love with the other and thinks its shockingly obvious but surprise, it’s not!) it’s just fantastic!

i never saw the signs

imagine a world where jack jumping over the snowbank, bringing bitty coffee, going on long walks classifies (in jack’s mind) as dating. so when bitty gets asked out, jack cannot believe the b e t r ay a l! we’re dating bitty! just read this and be happy :)

left the city, my family, my precinct

oh my goodness this fic.

jack accidentally sends bittle a dick pick.

:0 ;) <3 ___ <3 = summary of the fic

mixing it up

this is just….so cute?!??!?! and funny?!??! and 1!!!!!

bitty is contestant at a baking tournament for the falconers where jack and tater are the judges. at least, thats where it starts off.

tater is fucking hILARIOUS this fic in general made me laugh a lot.

strawberry

if u about that dom/sub life well…….just know that eric pins jacks hands to the bed and there’s v intense blushing that boi turns red like a tomato and i live 4 it.

eric is a tad too southern for me but it’s the only thing this fic doesn’t do perfectly :))))

something like this

considering how popular this fic is it actually sat open in a tab for a looong loooooong time just bc…well… it’s 285,748 words. im an all or nothing girl as in i once read the entire maze runner trilogy in one night so i had to find the right time

first of all: angst. second of all: angst. third of all: ….. u guessed it… angst. BUT don’t worry, for every drop of angst there’s a metro-fucking-ton of smut and sweetness :)))) ;))) what this fic does brilliantly is create an OMC that is at the forefront of the story and do it seamlessly. this is a pretty iconic fic and tbh im definitely not one for fics longer than 100k but this was a fuckin’ beaut man

rake the springtime across your sheets

oh god this was P A I N F U L but in a very beautiful way??? (that’s how u know the writing was siCK) ambiguously happy ending but tbh in the end this fic is really just abt the unspoken quiet truth of being in love, of loving, of being human just lke Fffffffuck me up

Phone, Please!

listen. i’m not a fluff person. idk i get bored. BUT. BUUUUUT. BUT. this fic.

AMAZING. this fic is all about the details and the little moments that make Bitty and Jack ~*BittyandJack*~

Bonus favorite line: “Thank god there are pancakes to serve. Pancakes are also very nice, and something he can actually have.”

Winter Clothes

Chowder POV so this is both hiLARIOUS and surprisingly touching. Jack and Bitty help Chowder buy clothes for New England winter. As a person living in New England, I approve this message.

WIPS: *Hate That I Love You plays in the background*

medic, please!

so if u ever played world of warcraft u r gonna love it and if you’ve never played world of warcraft u r gonna love it

this fic is just SO CREATIVE?!?!! like the format of it is B O M B. its just. so good. oh ym god.

(also the name is “medic please!” get it? cuz eric’s a medic in the game.? and check..PLEASE! ugh I’m a nerd 4 this pic

Fainting Psychics and Pessimistic Demonologists

ghostbusters au except not bc copyright

at first i was like…ghost hunters au?? rlly? but now I’m like GHOST HUNTERS AU? B R I L L I A N T.

characters are on point, its funny (an actual line of the fic “Jack sat down at his computer, pulled open a tab, and googled “How to encourage a teammate”. lmao what a mess)

but also theres some mystery and intrigue and suspense and in general this is a Good.

baking is punk as fuck

this is another AU that i was like…punk band u ….rlly? but then i was like PUNK BAND AU FUCK YEAH im a sucker for asshole Jack. i’m not even into punk?? but im into this fic U ___ U

This Don’t Even Feel Like Falling

filed under “praise kink mmmm”

honestly? porn..? “Bitty is the one to tie Jack’s hands for Hazeapalooza; afterward, he ties Jack’s hands for their own private enjoyment. “ like?? I’m not sorry.

but also not established relationship more like fwb but u know and i know and ngozi knows that ain’t the game we’re playing here

around the green and blue

not usually a big fan of soulmate aus but what i love about this fic is the pacing and even tho soulmate aus where seeing your soulmate = seeing color for the first time isn’t totally new this felt super fresh and original!

shine for you

aw MAN this gave me the feeeeeels. established relationship but jack is not out, it’s a bit angsty but the jack perspective is just so gooood

EXTRA: It all started with a big Russian hockey player calling a small cat-loving hockey player a rat. You either h8 it or u luv it. In my case, I Love it, capital L, so enjoy: Alexei “Tater” Mashkov/Kent Parson

careful the tale you tell

Kent has been telling himself a story, ever since the Q. It’s the epic story of Parse and Zimms, and he’s in love with it. // this fic is specifically meant for patater newbies and this fic does an amazing job of showing why kent and alexei just make sense. its honestly a Blessing.

kick on the starter

lmao im gonna be 90 years old and still reccing Febricant’s fics…for real when i saw they wrote patater i was like…no..im dreaMing…or im dead? is . is heaven?? rlly unique approach to how she gets them together and gr8 build up :)))) Bless Febricant

i need to wake up, i need me some love…

honestly? shameless fluff. established relationship (they’re ENGAGED FOR GOD’S SAKE) short but Good

#omgcp #omgcp fic rec #zimbits #patater #zimbits fic rec #jack zimmerman #eric bittle #alexei mashkov #kent parson #omg check please #omgcp fic #txt #this is all i do with my time so enjoy

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perspectiveartist · 7 years

Text

@opus13

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. Drink: raspberry white tea 2. Phone call: Uh...shit who was it? It was either James or Mom. 3. Text message: Abby <3 4. Song you listened to: ...”Prelude 12/21″ by AFI...I WAS BEING NOSTALGIC 5. Time you cried: Sunday when Mom shamed me into shaving my knees by saying they were gross

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: I mean...I guess. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Kinda. I didn’t at the time but in retrospect, there’s people I wish I had never shown affection for. 8. Been cheated on: ...kinda ambiguous. I thought we were still dating but she claims we weren’t so idfk but as far as I’m concerned yes, that cunt cheated on me and then BRAGGED to me about it 9. Lost someone special: Too many. I’ve been to a lot of funerals. 10. Been depressed: Chronic depression over here :))) 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope, I don’t drink

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Blue, black, and either silver or gold. Which of those I like best depends on the context.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends:Yeah! I made some online friends, at least. I don’t think most of them consider me much of a friend, but I am happy to have them. 16. Fallen out of love: No 17. Laughed until you cried: Uhhh maybe? I don’t think I have but my memory’s shit so I could have 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I guess if anyone’s gossiped about me, they were smart enough to not let me hear about it 19. Met someone who changed you: Nah 20. Found out who your friends are: Ehhh any drama I had with friends was mostly just me taking slight to stupid shit, not anything serious that actually tested any friendships.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Well yeah since James is friends with me on there 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most people tbh. I don’t really add online friends very often. 23. Do you have any pets: My cat Samoa and betta Maui here, then my two calico girls Kia and Autumn at Mom’s. 24. Do you want to change your name: I used to want to change my name to Melanie or Melissa as a kid tbh but after a while I just accepted my name. Idek what I’d change it to but it wouldn’t feel right. The closest I’ve come is having friends call me Al. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Laid on the couch sick as a fucking dog watching TV as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Yaaay happy 25th! 26. What time did you wake up: 10-ish? 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Trying to paint my fidget spinner with nail polish LOL but I fucked up and then got sad and realized I was way tired and was getting to that toddler phase of “I’m so tired that everything is upsetting me”. It wasn’t even much of a day, I think I was just hungover from a full weekend of socializing. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: uhhhhhhhhh I don’t think there’s anything particular I’m excited for. I don’t get hyped for games or movies anymore cuz I don’t have money to drop $60 on a game and movie theaters freak me out (anxiety) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Yesterday evening when she was dropping me off in Van Wert for James and his dad to drive me back home 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Only one? My anxiety. At the very least, it would get rid of my eating issues, I could hold a job once I got my strength back, etc. I can live with the depression, but I feel like everything would be more tolerable if my anxiety didn’t stop my body from taking care of itself or working right. 31. What are you listening right now: I WAS listening to Philip DeFranco but tbh that was just white noise for me, I didn’t pay attention much to the issues he was discussing. It just ended. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah, my friend’s ex. I cussed him out over the phone. Then he had his mom and sister cuss ME out lmao what a fucking coward 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Hmmm nothing at the moment. But that can easily change. 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr because I always come back out of the hopes of finding something new to look at every few minutes 35. Mole/s: Yeah, some. I have one under my right boob that I’ve had since I was little, I have a birth mark on my right elbow that’s like a mole, and then I have little moles on my legs and a couple on my stomach? 36. Mark/s: Yeah, a couple scars if that’s what you mean. I have a vertical scar on uhh my right shin I think, and then I have a scar on my upper lip. 37. Childhood dream: First I wanted to own a zoo, then I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I realized I can’t handle the nasty parts of working with animals like shit and blood and stuff. So then I just didn’t really have a dream aside from maybe making a comic. But I gave up on that. 38. Haircolor: Dark brown 39. Long or short hair: Medium 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Idk I don’t consider it a crush if you’re in a relationship with them 41. What do you like about yourself: :)))) 42. Piercings: None and no intentions of getting them 43. Bloodtype: No fucking clue. In 8th grade we tried to do an experiment to find everyone’s blood type but my fingers are small and the rooms were cold and I have bad circulation so my teacher lanced me twice before deciding I wasn’t going to get a proper drop of blood to test and he was scared of bruising me cuz I guess I seem like the type to sue. So I never learned. Idek if Mom knows. 44. Nickname: Al, Sharkie 45. Relationship status: Taken 46. Zodiac: Capricorn 47. Pronouns: She/her 48. Favorite TV Show: uhhh idk I don’t do well picking faves I guess Bob’s Burgers 49. Tattoos: None and probably will never have any. If I did, it would be a watercolor style one of a flower that reminds me of a loved one. 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: None 52. Hair dyed in different color: Nope. I want to get some blue in my hair but neither my budget nor my Mom seem thrilled about that so it will probably never happen. It’s expensive and time-consuming to safely bleach my hair. 53. Sport: Idk I played soccer in 4th grade but hated it, then I was on a bowling league for 6 years. But I ain’t played sports in 8 years. 54. (question wasn’t here) ...:D 55. Vacation: Like a dream vacation? Idk travel stresses me out too much for me to get excited about going anywhere outside my house. 56. Pair of trainers: wh...what? Like shoes?

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Fried stuff yeee 58. Drinking: Coke, bottled tea, water, uh...fuck idk 59. I’m about to: smack my head against a wall for my brain being made of cotton 62. Want: security 63. Get married: I have no idea tbh I want to be with James the rest of my life but ceremonies suck. I also have issues of commitment in the way of “Oh god what if it doesn’t work out and then it hurts that much more cuz then he’s not just an ex, he’s an ex-husband?” And if James and I did split, I highly doubt I’d get married. I don’t even have an interest in dating. 64. Career: Fuck a career, I just want an income. I have no illusions of having a job you could call a career.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Kinda weird but it seems like the women I’m interested in I prefer same height or shorter, but men I prefer taller 68. Older or younger: Same age. I don’t have an interest in anyone over a year younger than me, and I just can’t wrap my mind around dating someone older than my brother so no one more than 2 years older than me. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: idk I don’t care about either 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive indicates to me that they’re touchy and I don’t do well with that, but I don’t like loud people either so...they both suck I guess? I can’t be around sensitive people who take things too personally, but I also fucking hate loud assholes. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship, I don’t fuck people I don’t know well. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I guess hesitant since a constant troublemaker would get fucking annoying.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: No 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: No 79. Broken someone’s heart: I wouldn’t call it breaking his heart, but I did break up with a guy and he was upset for a little while. He got over it. I’d say it was a dent if anything, we were only together a couple months. 80. Had your heart broken: Not really but I never put myself out there to get it broken either 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Well duh 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes, hard, but I got over it eventually

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: nah 85. Miracles: nah 86. Love at first sight: nah 87. Santa Claus: nah 88. Kiss on the first date: Depends on the date LMAO James and I technically kissed on our first date but I’d also known him for years and already had feelings for him. If I went out and dated some rando, no, no kiss. Kisses are commitments.

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Uhm...A tie between Abby and Katie. They’re both always there for me and have been my friends for the past like 12 years. They’re reliable and sweet and supportive and I fucking love them like sisters. 91. Eyecolor: My eyes? Brown 92. Favorite movie: Aladdin

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