#Nyar self love

[nonaabuabu]

Meromantisasi Sendirian

Aku sendirian itu nggak cuma dalam bentuk aku masih single, tapi aku benaran tinggal sendiri. Semua aktivitas di luar pekerjaan sepenuhnya aku lakukan sendirian.

Ini memasuki bulan ke-enam, kalau sebelumnya aku masih punya teman berbagi banyak kegiatan bersama karena dulu tinggalnya bareng teman lain, sekarang semuanya sendiri. Mulai dari belanja, masak, beresin rumah dan sederet kegiatan lain.

Jujur, lima bulan belakangan aku kesepian. Kalau diingat-ingat ini momen paling panjang aku sendirian, meski udah merantau belasan tahun, aku selalu punya teman dan momen sendiriannya hanya sekali dua kali. Jadi bisa dibilang, ini ujian yang susah sekali dipetik hikmahnya.

Berulang kali aku mencoba bersikap bijaksana, tapi pada akhirnya runtuh lagi dan jadi sesenggukan. Kepala rasanya penuh tapi hidup kosong, konon lagi kantong, melompom. Dan barangkali ini usaha kesekian untuk selamat dari rasa kesepian, ya lagi-lagi meromantisasi sendirian.

Aku baca buku mana aja yang mau aku baca, terlepas isinya ngeselin, menyenangkan atau aku nggak paham. Aku baca buku puisi dengan suara nyaring, seolah-olah aku lagi di pentas musikalisasi puisi, nggak lupa pakai penghayatan dan maki-maki. Aku putar musik genre galau untuk ikutan nyanyi, bertingkah kayak yang punya panggungnya sendiri. Ganti ke musik beat atau rock dan kadang bollywood juga kpop, terus joget asik seolah lagi di dancefloor. Aku masak makanan paling mampu yang kubuat, buat minum segar, dan makan sambil videoin diri sendiri (ini parah sih) biar kayak mukbang ala-ala.

Aku melakukan banyak hal yang menciptakan suasana meningkatkan mood sendiri, meski masih sering ambruk dan tiba-tiba melow berkepanjangan. Siklus berulang yang kadang aku yakinkan, nggak masalah jatuh asalkan aku nggak berencana selamanya di sana. Bahkan kalau mau berenang di tempat yang buat tenggelam, nggak apa-apa. Anggap aja lagi syuting mermaid dan kau adalah antagonisnya (ingat ya antagonis itu juga peran utama).

Mungkin satu-satunya yang nggak kulakukan dalam rangka meromantisasi hidupku yang sendirian ini adalah, menuliskan puisi cinta yang manis. Soalnya urusan itu, cintaku selalu terasa pahit, bahkan mungkin lebih pahit dari empedu. Meski, kayaknya aku mulai ngehalu dengan kisah manis dari buku yang kubaca baru-baru ini.

Tapi meski sebanyak itu yang kulakukan untuk meromantisasi kesendirian, aku nggak mau menyebut itu sebagai self love. Karena konon yang aku dengar, perempuan kalau self love menyenangkan dirinya dengan membeli hal-hal yang dia mau, dan aku belum mampu melakukan itu, dan kalau nanti aku mampu aku mau belajar frugal living dan hidup minimalis. Sekarang kan masih kategori miskin, jadi santai dulu nggak si. Kan nggak akan membeli barang yang nggak berguna juga meski suka. Prioritas kebutuhan masih banyak soalnya.

[myrfing]

there is delicious hypocrisy in going to the person YOU love and begging them to not go into the population meatmasher 9000 as one of the great architects of population meatmasher 9000 and to say You could be more useful alive in your desperation. willing to go so far to go behind the back of the people you serve for your self-interest but still not having an argument that doesn’t measure your dearest in the killing regard. in my opinion someone should have been hurt by this and it would have been good but nyar

[childrenoflight-darkness-nothing]

tw for angst and mental breakdowns and general low self worth and negativity

scribbles wanted to see it so..

-----

Jace sat in the aftermath, on eir knees with eir shoulders slumped forward. Eir palms pressed into the floor, no longer wiping at tears. Eir breath shuddering a little as ey took it all in.

The piles of pages around em. Torn and crumpled papers. Nearly all of them ripped in at least half, if not torn to shreds.

Hours of eir life. Gods. If not years of eir life spent, turned to nothing.

Every feeling. Every emotion ey'd felt. Happiness. Loneliness. Anger and pain. Love.

All of it.

Scattered around the room. Crumbled and torn.

Turned to nothing.

Jace had destroyed it all. Every note. Every sheet of music. Every scribbled idea.

All for a little moment of piece. All for chance that maybe. Maybe. Ey could silence the voice that told em that nothing ey ever did was good enough. That nothing ey ever did held any value or merit. That all ey ever did was make the wrong decisions. The wrong calls. That all ey ever did was cause pain. Pain and disappointment.

Jace clenched eir eyes tight, fighting back another wave of tears. Another frustrated scream of anguish.

It wasn't enough.

Destroying everything ey'd ever made gave em no relief after the deed was done.

And Jace couldn't fight the tears. Couldn't fight the frustrations. The anger and pain. Couldn't fight any of it as ey buckled into eirself.

Pathetic.

Ey could hear him say it now. Ey were pathetic.

Truly. Look at em. Having a temper tantrum in the middle of eir room.

Jace laughed a little, a broken anguished sound as more tears fell and ey moved to where eir knees were pulled into eir chest. A pile of papers rustling with the movement. Eir arms tightened around eir legs, and ey sighed deeply into the gap between eir knees where eir face was pressed.

It was a wonder why anyone put up with em. Him. Or Nyar. Stephan and the rest of them. The Archangels. Tyde.

Ey'd hurt em all enough. Broken promises. Wasted their time.

Better. They deserved better. And it didn't take a genuis to know ey'd been given more than enough chances. Time and time again. Each time, never meeting the mark.

How long until they realized that? How long until ey once again had nothing?

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Nyar saves "music of my soul" for when hes upset/mildly frustrated. Jace is being obstinate about some music or aparement thing? " Ah музыка моей души, c'mon its not that big a deal." Jace is refusing self care? "For the love if God, музыка моей души just eat some food already. And drink some water." Jace gets hurt on a mission? "музыка моей души. Youre an idiot."

[plugsnports]

have long had this idea for a cos/wave fic that’s like an au of idw where they met and strike up their bond during the war instead of after the war so like ooohh forbidden love and it starts when they both get stuck in a situation they have to work together to solve and they start to trust each other a little more (well, cosmos starts to. soundwave is his usual inscrutable self from start to finish) and at the end of is soundwave is like you know what autobot i kind of like you. want me to get you off as a parting gift? and cosmos is like WTF but takes him up on his offer and gets the best plug-n-play sex of his life (because it’s data manipulation and soundwave is good at that, nyar har) and then finds that he can’t get soundwave off his mind afterwards and the plot continues from there. so it’s not A Porn Fic it would have its own plot and stuff but that one sex scene would play a key role in getting cosmos so invested in soundwave. anyway i know i’ll never write it because writing long fics is a herculean AND sisyphean task for me but i feel like someday i’ll end up at least writing the “cosmos gets the best plug-n-play sex of his life” scene at least i hope

[twilightknight17]

Goodbyes! Endings! Fish! Yelling!

This ending wraps up better than the original, but still leaves some things.

There is so much in this game that one loop is absolutely not enough to see and do it all.

Where last we left our intrepid idiot, he was buying flowers for his White Day dinner date.

Surely I will be allowed to leave the mall and sell my stuff and visit the Velvet Room. After all, what if I spent every last yen on items to use against the final boss? I would have no money for flowers!

But no. I am imprisoned in the mall and Morgana somehow pays for the flowers. Hanasaki has no comment on this except to wish me luck on my date. Wow.

Sojiro, who the heck do you know that your name got us a table at a fully booked formal restaurant??

Okay so this isn’t the Skytree restaurant, but SOJIRO??

....yep. That’s me. Even when someone else’s wishes mean destroying my heart. Probably hypocritical to say that while I’m on a date, though.

So it feels like there’s more people you can talk to on the last walkaround. Not just your confidants, but random people in the street, and other named characters. Mika’s at Seaside Park, Takakura, from Haru’s social link, is in Kichijoji, Dietman Matsushita is in the Scramble, the little girl from Takemi’s social link is in Yongen with her dad...

.......you’re so poetic, Yusuke. That’s lovely.

Finally, an ad perfectly tailored to me.

Maruki’s friend is in Kichijoji, and wants to know if we’ve heard from him. We have not. We are not friends. But apparently he’s still alive, which... hm.

I’m tired of his crazy stuff, sir. I just want to see my friends and go on a roadtrip in peace, thank you.

I’d never noticed before that Morgana’s eyes glow if you use third eye.

.......

So if you go to the jazz bar, you can basically have the conversation with the manager from Proof of Justice.

He’s surprised when Akira says he doesn’t know, because he never saw Goro with anyone else. He’s also worried, because he hasn’t seen Goro in a while, and wants Akira to tell him to stop by. Akira is briefly melancholy, thinking to himself, “But Akechi is already...” But then he finds Goro’s glove, still safely in his pocket, and reminds himself that their fight isn’t over yet. The jazz manager says he’s looking forward to seeing you both come in together again.

It is, Morgana! I really want this sofa. This is my sofa. It was made for me; just look at it!

ARSENE. IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, I’M SORRY FOR FORGETTING YOU IN LOCKDOWN. IT WOULD TAKE TEN HOURS TO REVERT TO A PRIOR SAVE AND COME BACK. LAVENZA GAVE ME A KEY AS A GIFT BUT WON’T LET ME IN. IT’S NOT MY FAULT.

....is this why Ryoji’s Arcana is Fortune? XD

So you can talk to a random idol singer from a Mementos mission in Akihabara and

what the fuck is this. what bonus does this give me?

Sumire is not present for the final walkaround, which is...weird. No relationship trinket? That’s disappointing. Especially considering I got a gift from some random idol.

And now it’s time for the ending. The kids are worried about being watched/pursued by the suspicious black car, which honestly, I’ve had enough suspicious black cars in relation to Persona to know that whoever this is, is not good news, police or not. ;)

But instead of sabotaging their car, don’t worry, a taxi is here to take Akira to the train station while his friends distract the men in black!

......did you dye your hair??

Anyway Akira has no sense of self-preservation because here he goes getting in a car alone with this guy.

We are not friends. I am not fistbumping you.

He does drop Akira off safely. Akira’s friends swing by for one last speedy goodbye and then are off again on a merry chase, and Akira goes home alone except for Morgana, which I have...several feelings about. The game goes out of its way to demonstrate that Goro is still alive even if Akira misses seeing him, because the whole world is based on what each person sees and feels, and Akira fucking feels in his heart that Goro is still alive and will come back to him one day.

Time to open up the other save and burn two weeks to see the Palace failure condition!

...I still sort of want to do this over and rescue Arsene. It’s not like I have much else to do these days. I just want my unholy powerhouse Arsene for NG+...

Heck.

Anyway, I’ve also learned that having two weeks to burn with no other responsibilities is great for grinding stuff for the awards. I spent like a week straight at the fishing pond and have become a Fishing God. Did you know that there’s an even bigger fish than the Guardian? Fishing pond guy was like, “In this weather, you might see...him.”

Look at this ridiculous fucking fish. XDDDD

I also went to the batting cages and I still suck at batting, but I made it eventually. The home run award is terrifying.

Okay, still a few days left, lets go play billiards, since I never went and did that during the game. I guess I’ll pick up this billiards book this guy recommends, too. I dunno why I need to be better at billiards, though, it just gives everybody social link poi--

....what the fuck is this??? This only unlocks after you read the book? You can guarantee a knockdown if you have max technical rank?? You need at least four days, 2 books, and a really expensive pool cue for this??? Akechi’s only response to you pulling off some ridiculous curved shot is, “That was pretty good”???? I made it through the whole game thinking billiards was just some way to increase everyone’s social link at once????? Aaaaaaaah??????

Morgana gets very upset the closer you get to the deadline. “We HAVE to go to the Palace tomorrow!” Okay, but have you considered...going to the temple for meditation?

...oops. He’s already mad. X’D Meditation?

Now, now, honey, don’t worry, we can technically still go tomorrow afternoon and just send the calling card when we get back. It’s fine. Today I’m gonna hang out with Shinya. Everything is under control.

....Akira, NO.

Anyway, for all of Goro’s grumpiness, he doesn’t turn down an invitation to the jazz club. Hey, it’s only fair, darling, you took me out for drinks the night before the interrogation room.

It’s only right that I return the favor the night before I betray you in return.

You showed me this place, dingus. XD

...I am. Sorry, Goro.

Akira goes to sleep the evening of 2/2 wondering if he made the right decision. That’s the problem, ‘Kira, you didn’t make a decision at all.

“I wanted you to accept my reality of your own free will.”

DON’T LIKE THAT.

Lavenza trying to reach him and just...fading away is painful.

I will say without hesitation that this is the worst ending. To copy-paste what I said elsewhere:

Akira's sleeping in the attic. Presumably for months, given the cobwebs. Where are his friends? Fallen back into their own dreams? Did they just give in without him, forget about him, never wonder where he went, because they have what they wanted? And Goro didn't even have a dream, so he's presumably left alone in a world that he can't stand but can't do anything about because it's permanent now. Maruki can't even give him Akira, because Akira's asleep, and Goro probably feels betrayed anyway. Akira's going to sleep forever, forgotten by everyone who was supposed to care about him. Even if he regrets choosing the dream world in that ending, at least he's there.

I think what's throwing me off is Maruki's absolute insistence on not changing Akira and Goro's cognition without their consent. Putting Akira to sleep feels like a loophole, but if he really believes that Goro is just a creation of his power, maybe Akira's consent is the only one that actually matters to him.

He's only ever really concerned with asking Akira. He even says on 2/2 that he knows Goro's not going to be fazed by the idea of his life being in danger. But if Akira agrees to stay in the fake reality, Goro's happy along with the rest of them, even though there's no way he agreed with Akira's decision. Maybe Maruki's willing to alter Goro to match Akira's wishes because he thinks he's not the real one. As long as Akira wants the real Goro, he doesn't have to worry about being overwritten. But if Akira's sleeping...

Maruki’s so kind, isn’t he?

The true ending feels so much more like it would lead into Scramble than vanilla. Still being chased by the police? Yeah. Everyone splitting up and therefore being out of touch for months? Yep. Seeing Joker in the window? Meta-space is still there and ready to warp into a Jail at the slightest nudge. I don’t understand Atlus’s writing decisions.

That whole thing with Goro does mean they owe us an actual sequel. The game literally says their fight isn’t over.

Beating the game means everyone is in the Thieves Den now, so we get some lovely interactions like Sojiro contemplating the Mona copter, and Makoto warning Ann not to tell Goro that she thinks Loki looks like a zebra.

Also that idol CD is some kind of ridiculous bubblegum idol pop song on my music player now. For one coin. Oh my god.

So... I guess the last thing I want to mention is Maruki. Because he’s a great character. I want to punch him more than I got to. But, and I’ve talked about this with a friend, I cannot wrap my head around how powerful he is. Takuto Maruki is a human being with a persona, just like the Thieves, and there is no explanation for how he got that strong. Yes, his persona is an elder god that evolves into some kind of creation deity, but it’s still just his persona. It’s not like Nyarlathotep acting as someone’s persona while still being a separate, ridiculously powerful entity. There’s no indication here that Azathoth or Adam are independent from their user. So I’m expected to believe that this man awoke to his persona and was able to use a power on-par with the God of Control...just from himself? No deity or monster backing him up? Really? I know he made a career studying cognitive psience, but this is...a little much. Having Nyar around would have cleared that up just from his general presence. XD

Anyway, I loved it. I loved absolutely all of it even if Okumura’s boss fight was a bitch. I think I’ve unfortunately made the decision to go back for Arsene, so I’m definitely going to play NG+ after I take a break to play something else first.

There’s three bonus bosses and the Reaper left to fight, after all. ;)

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2010s: 60 - 56

60. Emma - La mia città Italy 2014 

Emma is short for “Emmanuella”. 😍 Clearly the inspiration for this act:

You may not know this, but “La mia citta” is probably my favourite song out of 2014? It’s ROCKIN’ A RIDE (na na na na na na) of high voltage energy that I instantly became addicted to.  😍 Of course we were also immediately forewarned that Emma couldn’t sing her own song (which is hilarious, but yeah  😬)  so I was expecting a ready disappointment.  What I did NOT expect however was that Italy would yank UP the fun factor by trapping Emma into the direct-to-video sequel of Tinto Brass’s Caligula and letting her steal the show even more. 😍 ITALY <3 <3 <3 

The vocals may have been beyond subpar, but Emma flailing herself around the stage, contorting her body in IMPOSSIBLE angles, dismissively pushing the beta manfolk around like the boss she is gives me SO MUCH LIFE. If she had sung in a key that suited both her voice and the song, she would’ve ranked even higher, but a spot right outside of the highest tier will have to do. ALL HAIL THE EMPRESS OF TERRIBLE TASTE. 

________________________________________________________________

59. AWS - “Viszlát nyár” Hungary 2018

[2018 Review here]

GIVE ME FIRE, I’M A FIGHTER!

2018 may not have been as great of an experience for me as it has been for many others, but good god did it NEED AWS. A 2018 without AWS has no high voltage, uptempo, loud, aggro ENERGY. “But Boris there’s also Toy” yeah no. Na na banana I do what I wanna :-) 

and honestly, why shouldn’t we love “Viszlát nyar”? Loss songs that instead of mourning solemnly burst into a primordial tempest of ire and flame. IT’S INTENSE, all thanks to Orz’s excellent performance. 

and this comes WITHOUT the consideration that AWS were the backstage deities for the 2018 contest as well, providing many hilarious interviews and other moments of levity. 

AWS were great, because they weren’t a typical Eurovision entry. They are an indie metal band from Hungary that won A Dal by accident and in doing so were thrusted into an adventure beyond their wildest expectations. They never took Eurovision seriously, but regardless they had loads of fun with it and so did I. We will continue this line of thought when we get to a certain deadpan Slovene duo, much, much later in this ranking. 🤭

________________________________________________________________

58. Loïc Nottet - “Rhythm inside” Belgium 2015

Cutting Loïc means I have my change my t-shirt into the one my friend gave me for my 25th birthday (😍)

and I mean what is there to say about Loïc? He’s widely regarded as one of the most artistic and memorable entrants in recent years, sparking a hot streak of entries which ended when Sennek refused to rehearse her song/come up with an act. 

I may as well use this moment for a little confession: Avant Garde is one of my favourite Eurovision genres. AG entries are always interesting, always delivering, always different from what we’re used to. They are brave and inspired. When well-executed they can easily becomes some of the all-time best Eurovision entries.

“Rhythm inside” also falls into the category, taking a fairly simple subject (the beating of the human heart) and turning it into a metaphilosophical journey of discovery, star matter and mindblowiness. Loïc launched “Rhythm” into greatness, providing excellent vocals, dancing and miming. 

and also like all amazing things in life, it contains a small dose of SuRie: 

However, avant garde often comes with one massive problem: poorly-executed AG tends to frame every twirl, fart and headturn as a testament of some highly ~artistic vision~ when it adds nothing of value. In other words, fuckin’ meaningitis. “Rhythm inside” is actually one of the worst offenders, imo. For every epic moment of Loïc gazing into the camera or twirling around like an ebon cygnet, we get a tryhard one in which somebody lays themselves down and starts kicking their feet into the air for no reason and *sigh*. 

It saddens me that  “Rhythm inside”, despite being a very innovative composition that explores the boundaries of music, tries too hard to sell its own artistry and well... it is that moment of self-doubt which prevents me from ranking it inside the elite tier. BELIEVE IN AND LOVE THYSELF!!!

________________________________________________________________

57.  Madame Monsieur - “Mercy” France 2018

[2018 Review Here]

Every year is defined by its political zeitgeist, and in 2018 there were two defining themes: #MeToo, covered by “Toy”, and “Transmigration” covered by Madame Monsieur. I soon was convinced one of them would win 2018, which happened, but sadly it was the weaker of the two entrants 😭

Regardless, Madame Monsieur deserve all the praise they can get. It is SO easy to take a topic such as “migration” and turn it into an Americanized story of Wrong And Right. It’s SO easy to turn it into a sob story. It’s SO easy to cheapen the plight over others for self-gain. It is important to remain authentic, austere and respectful. 

Which is exactly that Madame Monsieur did. 

Using a peppy synthpop beat as a platform to carry their haunting lyrics (”je suis ces enfant que la mer a pris” ::shivers::), Emilie and Jean-Karl turn “Mercy”, a tribute to a baby born at sea to refugee parents, into a true humanitarian hymn, focusing on their message and letting this speak for itself. The end result is pretty potent. THE SEA OF FISTBUMPS <3

So naturally I really fucking love “Mercy”. However, I also think it was lacking in the little area of staging. While I do think the intent of keeping it sober and free of gimmicks was a clever coice, the gut-punching message didn’t exactly come across.

The act was too subtle. It’s the Hassani story of France getting outclassed by Italy at the last second, but much stronger than with Bilal. I don’t think the lack of LEDs was the issue though, like, just bring stage props? Work the camera more? It sucks that I have to nitpick so close to the highest tier, but the fact that I do proves to me that “Mercy” can’t make it that far. RIP sweet synth angels. 

________________________________________________________________

56. DiHaj - “Skeletons” Azerbaijan 2017

[2017 Review here] Another lovable avant garde angel, morph! DiHaj improved quite a bit for me on the rewatch, but I can’t let her move onto the elite tier for reasons that I think are obvious. (If they are not, please unmute your computer.)

HOWEVER, I do think “Skeletons” a great, dark moody song that is highly entertaining. It is, for the most part a great example of how to do novelty at Eurovision: It displays the greatest strength of modern Azerbaijan: the visually stunning SPECTACLE. Music is supposed to a form of expression and DiHaj goes ALL OUT.

Of course, I understand that the act isn’t to everyone’s taste and it does suffer a *little* bit from Fuckin’Meaningitis™ , which is fair enough. At the same time... the story told here is pretty obvious? There is no dispute that this song is about a broken relationship and the moral dilemma that often comes with it. Azerbaijan stuck with the source material provided by the song and that makes Skellingtons’ act much better than that of “Rhythm inside”. It’s a captivating story, because it makes sense. 

Too bad those Professional Swedish Backings sounded like crap tho...x

And that was the last of Azerbaijan,

After a pretty terrible start of the decade, Azerbaijan reinvented themselves as trash angels and the rest is herstory. I hope they continue to dazzle us with ridiculousness in the years to come. 😍

_______________________________________________________________ 

And now we move on to the higher tier. CONGRATULATIONS TO THESE (nearly) FLAWLESS ANGELS:

2010 

Juliana Pasha - “It’s all about you” Tom Dice - “Me and my guitar” Kuunkuiskaajat - “Työlki ellää” Jessy Matador - “Allez ola olé” Giorgos Alkaios & Friends - “OPA” Paula Seling & Ovi - “Play with fire” maNga - “We could be the same”

2011

Dino Merlin - “Love in rewind” Poli Genova - “Na inat” Lena - “Taken by a stranger” Maja Keuc - “No one”

2012

Ott Lepland - “Kuula” Pasha Parfeny - “Lăutar” Loreen - “Euphoria”

2013

Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov - “Samo shampioni” Koza Mostra ft. Agathonas Iakovidis - “Alcohol is free” Gianluca - “Tomorrow” Who see ft. Nina Zizic - “Igranka” Anouk - “Birds” Zlata Ognevich - “Gravity”

2014

Aram MP3 - “Not alone” Conchita Wurst - “Rise like a phoenix” Cleo - “My słowianie- We are slavic” Tinkara Kovač - “Round and round” Ruth Lorenzo - “Dancing in the rain” Sebalter- “Hunter of Stars”

2015

Elina Born & Stig Rästa - “Goodbye to yesterday” Nadav Guedj - “Golden Boy” Aminata - “Love Injected” Polina Gagarina - “A million voices” Bojana Stamenov - “Beauty never lies” Måns Zelmerlöw - “Heroes”

2016

Iveta Mukuchyan - “LoveWave” Laura Tesoro - “What’s the pressure?” Poli Genova - “If love was a crime” Nika Kocharov & Young Georgian Lolitaz - “Midnight gold” Hovi Star - “Made of Stars” Francesca Michielin - “No degree of separation”

2017

NAVIBAND - “Story of my life” Blanche - “City lights” Joci Pápai - “Origo” fusedmarc - “Rain of revolution” JOWST ft. Aleksander Wallmann - “Grab the moment”

2018

Rasmussen - “Higher ground” Elina Nechayeva - “La Forza” Ieva Zasimauskaite - “When we’re old” DoReDoS - “My lucky day” Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!” ZiBBZ - “Stones”

2019

Kate Miller-Heidke - “Zero gravity” Mahmood - “Soldi” KEiiNO - “Spirit in the sky” Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl - “Sebi”

[erinaratna]

Semangatlah, wahai aku.

Inilah kumpulan kalimat yang kubuat  (karena saat ini aku sebagai pejuang jobseeker) untuk mengingatkan diriku sendiri untuk selalu bergerak dan bersyukur :

Tak apa, percayalah, semua akan manis jika berusaha dengan ikhlas.

Ayo sadar, semangatmu tak berhenti diuji. Jangan mau kalah sama semut ;) 

Memantaskan diri, mendorong dengan ekstra diri sendiri agar sebisa mungkin terhindar dari kecewa, amarah, dan nggrundel berlebihan yang tak berarti. First, Love yourself. 

Menggumamkan ini : Harus fokus, demi itu, kita kejar dan jadi bintang. 

Aku akan memperjuangkanmu sebagaimana kau yang mengampiriku, lewat kata sapa yang kutunggu hari demi hari 'telah dibuka', pintu menujumu. Semoga semesta turut berkata 'iya' karena Tuhan telah berkehendak tentang kita. Semoga aku bertemu denganmu, sesegera dan setepat mungkin. 

Aku tidak ingin menantimu dengan sabar, aku ingin hariku segera di isi oleh gerak-gerikmu, lalu pagi dipenuhi olehmu yang menyambutku, dan pamitku di malam hari padamu. Aku ingin raga pikiran dan hatiku penuh sebagian tentangmu, juga kotak bahagiaku terisi karena aku bersamamu. 

Tapi percayalah dan usahakan sebab langit tak melulu hujan. Jadi, tetaplah maju menggapai impian yg didambakan meski berkali-kali mencoba mundur karena badai menerjang. Semangat! 

Sabar dan tantangan, menjadi pemicu untuk sampai garis kemenangan. Langkah-langkah kita dalam mencapai rencana semoga berakhir indah dan menjadi berkat. Dengan tabah dan bertahan melewatinya, semoga keyakinan kita akan berbuah kebahagiaan. 

Kau layak bahagia, kau layak utk berjuang, begitu pula aku dan dia. Kita semua layak. Kita tak perlu mendengar mereka yg paling nyaring menjatuhkan. Kita tak perlu melihat mereka yg paling ekspresif menghina. Semoga kita kuat, semoga kita tangkas dan lekas. 

Impian kita serupa akar, menyerap energi, menyalurkannya pada batang dan daun, untuk menumbuhkan bunga/buah. Bagimu, apakah batang daun dan bunga/buah itu?

Mencari mu seperti mencari jodoh - mencari yang pas ditengah berlikunya jalan dan badai menerjang.

Nggakpapa, akan ada jalan lain yang terbentang, yang bisa kita perjuangkan. Semoga lekas, semoga kita kuat dan bertahan untuk tangkas. 

Self reminder : don't forget where you came from, where you used to stand.

Sama saja, dimana berapa dan kapanpun. Pasrah sekaligus mengusahakan yang terbaik, apapun hasilnya nanti. Dilakoni disik wae.Tuhan pasti serta.

Salah satu cara berdamai dengan kejadian silam? Coba saja dengan membaca buku Yuk :) Dan ciri telah berhasil berdamai, salahsatunya adalah 'terimakasih, diriku. Karena berhasil melaluinya dengan cukup baik'. Selamat :)

[holaafrica]

New Post has been published on http://holaafrica.org/beneath-the-bruises/

Beneath The Bruises

Beneath the bruises is a woman healing

Discovering herself

Finding a voice.

Letting go of her fears

Being reborn a new.

Learning to say no.

  Beneath the bruises is a woman standing up for herself.

She is speaking out because she is tired

Tired of being the victim.

She wants to be free.

She can’t go around coiling up in a foetal position every time they argue

just to escape her blows.

She wants to be herself.

That black eye with hues of red, purple or blue isn’t who she is

She is not her empty heart stripped bear by cruel words

coming from the ones who promised to be there.

She is not her bloody mouth or her swollen neck

She is more than being pinned on the bathroom wall

and penetrated against her wish.

  Beneath the bruises is a woman who is strong,

who doesn’t flinch when shouted at

Who doesn’t agree with everything for the sake of peace.

There is a strong woman who knows what she wants

who has set her priorities straight

who knows that No means No.

She is slowly accepting

that she loved someone who loved themselves more than her

That she let fear control her

and prevent her from speaking out.

That she allowed words to shred her self esteem into pieces.

  Beneath the bruises is a woman

out to reclaim her glory.

Respect

Honesty

A kick in her ribs,

a slap on her cheek,

Another word that broke her heart

opened her eyes and

Encouraged her to wake up

to run away with the wind

  Beneath the bruises,

she is like a phoenix rising from the ashes

She is being reincarnated.

This version of herself is wild

Untamed

Unrestricted

Unbridled

She is like a strom

Powerful…

and strong

  Beneath the bruises

Is a woman who has learned the hard way

That she is not responsible for anyone’s insecurities

That she is not to blame for anyone’s shame

That it was never her fault she got hit.

That it was never her fault she got damaged

That it will never be her fault she got annihilated.

  Beneath the bruises

there is this woman

Who is embracing herself again

Who is learn to to let go of the past and welcome her unknown future

Who is rewriting history

Who is setting a legacy

Who is ready to start on a new plate.

Beneath the bruises,

There is woman who finally got tired of being a punching bag

Of being a statistic

Of being used as an example

And so she walked out,

Her pain warped around her shoulders like a a cloak,

ready for a new beginning.

© Nyar Afrika 2017

This piece forms part of  the #QueeringTheCloak series which is part of a larger project exploring sexual, emotional and physical violence in queer women spaces on the continent.  The project seeks to essentially ‘pull back the cloak’ on shame and silence around this violence.

For all the articles and pieces on #QueeringTheCloak click here.

Also an article on 11 Signs You Are being Gaslight in a relationship and another 10 things the author learned from someone using gaslighting as an abuse tactic. For more on supporting people here is a piece on supporting someone in abusive relationship and also a piece where the woman says At least she didn’t hit me”. There is also a piece by a woman who writes a letter to her ex abuser’s new girlfriend. Also some healing words for after the relationship is done. There are also some stories such as this one entitled Wanja. There is also this piece about looking at abuse in feminist spaces and what happens if your abuser is a woke feminist.

*leave a comment on the post, you can write it under a different name and your email will not be published.*

To submit to HOLAA! email submissions@holaafrica.org

[inanews-blog1]

Gelar Konser Perdana, Ed Sheeran Legakan Dahaga Fans di Indonesia

Inanews  - Ed Sheraan berhasil menghipnotis para penggemarnya di Indonesia dalam konser Divide World Tour 2019 yang digelar di Gelora Bung Karno, Senayan, Jakarta Pusat, Jumat (3/5/2019) malam. Sebelum penyanyi asal Inggris itu beraksi, grup band rock asal Jepang One Ok Rock tampil lebih dulu sebagai pemanasan. Lagu-lagu seperti "Push Back", "Deeper Deeper", Clock Strike", "Head High", dan "Stand Out Fit In" mengentak panggung. "Kami One Ok Rock dari Jepang senang melihat kalian, sudah lama kami tidak ke Jakarta dan terima kasih sudah datang," ucap Taka sang vokalis. Setelah 45 menit menghibur para penonton, On Ok Rock pun menutup penampilan mereka dengan "Wasted Nights". Di tengah jeda 15 menit, penonton semakin banyak berdatangan. Bangku-bangku yang sebelumnya kosong mulai terisi penuh. Tak butuh basa-basi, Sheeran langsung dari belakang panggung dengan gitar akustiknya dan langsung membawakan "Castle on The Hill". Sorak sorai ribuan penonton yang memenuhi GBK bergema seketika. Di ujung lagu Sheeran kemudian mengucapkan permohonan maafnya karena pernah batal menyapa penggemar di Indonesia tiga tahun lalu. "Jakarta apa kabar? Maaf ya harusnya aku datang 2016 lalu, aku akan sering memakai gitar ini selama konser ini," katanya.

Dokumentasi PK Entertaiment Ed Sheeran beraksi dalam Konser Divide World Tour 2019 yang digelar di Gelora Bung Karno, Senayan, Jakarta Pusat, pada Jumat (3/5/2019). Indonesia adalah negara terakhir dari rangkaian tur Ed Sheeran di Asia. Sebelumnya Sheeran menggelar konser di Bangkok, Thailand, pada Minggu (28/4/2019). Seakan ingin menebus kesalahannya, Sheeran pun menampilkan aksi panggung yang apik saat membawakan lagu-lagu andalannya seperti "Eraser, "The A Team, "Tenerife Sea", "Dive", "Bloodstream", "Happier", "Perfect" dan "Thinking Out Loud".

Dokumentasi PK Entertaiment Ed Sheeran beraksi dalam Konser Divide World Tour 2019 yang digelar di Gelora Bung Karno, Senayan, Jakarta Pusat, pada Jumat (3/5/2019). Pada saat Sheeran melantunkan melodi lagu "Don't", suara teriakan nyaring dari kursi penonton terdengar menyambutnya. Di bawah sorot lampu, sambil menggendong gitar, Sheeran menenggelamkan para penonton dalam suara merdunya. Suasana semakin syahdu ketika semua penonton ikut bernyanyi pada bagian refrain lagu. Sheeran kemudian membiarkan penonton mengambil alih lagu, sedang ia asik bersolo gitar. Tanpa aba-aba, penonton mengangkat kedua tangan sambil menikmati penampilan Sheeran. Banyak di antara mereka menciptakan lautan cahaya dengan menyalakan flashlight ponsel. Pria kelahiran 17 Februari 1991 itu juga membawakan "Love Your Self", sebuah lagu yang dia ciptakan dan dipopulerkan oleh Justin Bieber. Sheeran juga memberikan kejutan saat hendak menutup konser perdananya di Indonesia malam itu. Setelah sempat meninggalkan panggung, tiba-tiba Sheeran muncul dengan mengenakan jersey Tim Nasional sepak bola Indonesia. Jersey putih itu dilengkapi dengan gambar garuda pada bagian dada kiri. Belum juga penonton selesai terkejut dengan tampilan Sheeran, musik langsung melantunkan salah satu lagunya yang paling populer, "Shape Of You". Kali ini, penonton sudah tidak kuasa menahan hasrat untuk beranjak dari kursi. Sekumpulan penonton mulai berdiri dan bergoyang di depan panggung sambil ikut bernyanyi. Kemeriahan semakin pecah saat Sheeran mengakhiri penampilannya dengan 'You Need Me, I Don't Need You' dengan penuh energi. Di sini, ia unjuk kebolehan memadukan nyayian rap dengan sedikit sentuhan beat box. "Terima kasih semuanya!" tutup Sheeran pada akhir lagu kemudian berjalan ke belakang panggung setelah membayar lunas janjinya kepada penggemar Indonesia.

Dokumentasi PK Entertaiment Ed Sheeran beraksi dalam Konser Divide World Tour 2019 yang digelar di Gelora Bung Karno, Senayan, Jakarta Pusat, pada Jumat (3/5/2019). Read the full article

[idexstuck]

i love monica “gemini” carter-taylor in all of her pop idol goodness but lest we forget she is menacingly evil and in major cahoots with nyar “lath” otep, everyone’s favorite elder god...

like her base self is fine, she’s a fine person, a great person even, but as soon as she uses her ES once, or as soon as she sings ‘UNLOCK Your Heart~!’ once she just says ‘well, i am going to be evil, and that’s accel ruth’s problem’

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Fluffy

yep. Literally couldn’t come up with a title to show just how soft this whole thing was, so I decided I’d just spell it right out. FiNALLY SOME FLUFF GOD THESE TWO DESERVE IT OH WOW. 1242 words of tooth-rotting-self-indulgent-sugary-sweet-cotton-candy-unicorns-and-cherries-on-top fluff. Enjoy.

.*.*.*.*.

         “’M home!” Nyar called into the apartment as he kicked of his shoes, kicking them gently under the rack. When there was no response, he frowned a little. If there was one thing the apartment he shared with Jace wasn’t, it was quiet. Silence tended to be treated with suspicion. Since the two of them were musicians, it was completely normal to hear a violin or a piano at any time of day, or to hear Jace editing the news video, or any number of sounds. But now….nothing. Nyar cautiously walked into the kitchen, setting down the bag of take-out on the counter as he scanned the room. Jace was supposed to be home. Unless ey got called onto the base…? Nyar shook his head as the thought crossed his mind. Surely his partner would have texted him if that had been the case.

          “Jace?” He started down the hallway to his room, peeking in Jace’s as he went by. Still no sign of em. He frowned and pushed his door open. “Jace, I--AAAAGGHHH!” He let out a surprised scream as a small, dark form swarmed out of his closet and jumped at him. He barely caught Jace as ey wrapped eir legs around him.

          “Hi, babe.” Ey greeted him and giggled.

         Nyar laughed a little, running his hand up eir back. “Hey. What were you doing in my closet?”

          “Waiting for you.” Jace admitted.

          “Yeah? How long were you in there?” Nyar asked, shifting so that he could look into Jace’s eyes as he walked towards the bed.

          Ey shrugged. “A while.”

          Nyar grinned and flopped down on the bed, landing sideways so that he wouldn’t crush Jace, then looking at what ey were wearing. “Hey, that’s my hoodie.”

          Jace looked down and plucked at it. “This? No, that can’t be right.”

          “Babe, that’s mine.”

          “It was cold in your closet, so I put it on.”

          Nyar rolled over, pinning Jace to the bed. “That’s miiiiiiine.” He pouted, kissing eir neck, “Give it back.” 

          “You’re squishing me.” Jace complained, trying to wiggle out from underneath of him.

          “Give it back.”

          “Get off.”

          “Not ’till you give me back my hoodie.”

          “It’s mine, you big tree.” Jace’s hand smacked at his back. “Get offfffffff!”

          “No.”

          Jace sighed as Nyar shifted so that ey could breathe before ey reached up to the back of his head. Eir fingers curled into his hair, and ey grinned. “Your hair’s so soft.”

          “Thanks?”

          “No, like really soft. It’s so fluffy, too.” 

          Nyar laughed a little. “It’s that new conditioner I got. The one you said smelled funny.”

          Jace wrinkled eir nose. “It does smell funny, it was like…..too woodsy!”

          “Too woodsy. As opposed to…?”

          “Citrus.” The answer came quickly, as though ey had already given it a lot of thought.

          Nyar frowned and tilted his head to look at em better. “What?”

          Jace shrugged, “You’re just a citrus kinda guy, I guess.”

          Nyar laughed again and snuggled back into Jace’s shoulder as eir fingers kept petting his hair. He sighed, feeling the stress of the day melt away with each pass that Jace made. He was almost asleep when ey spoke up again.

          “What did you get for dinner?”

          “Chinese.”

          “Aw man, and you made me stay here?? The fried rice is gonna get cold!” Ey wiggled again, trying to free eirself from him.

          Nyar tightened his grip, pulling em in closer. “Kung pao chicken, too.” He teased.

          Jace gasped. “That just--that has to be illegal. Babe I gotta eat, get off!”

          “No, I’m comfy here.” 

          “Babe, please.”

          “Fine, but I get the extra fortune cookie.”

          “Only if you get to it first.” Jace grumbled. Nyar stood up, only to have Jace leap onto his back, arms wrapped around his neck. “You know, those legs can walk, too.” 

          Jace kicked eir feet like a little kid who’s feet couldn’t reach the floor. “Yeah, but this is more fun.”

          Nyar let out another sigh before heading back out to the kitchen, ready for dinner.

.*.*.*.*.

          For once, they actually ate at the table. Usually they saved that for “date nights” when one of them would make something a bit fancier and they’d light candles. Other “normal” nights usually meant eating at the coffee table, sitting on the floor or couch while watching lame tv shows or cheesy movies. For some reason though, they both seemed to think that the table was a better fit. 

          “School going ok?” Nyar asked as Jace stole one of the pot stickers off of his plate.

          Ey shrugged. “Fine. I have a big essay coming up soon though. I’m really not looking forward to it.”

          “Need help with it?”

          Jace shrugged. “Probably, at least with editing,” ey said around the pot sticker, “But I’m gonna put it off for as long as I can. Give any thought to the next video?”

          Nyar frowned a little, “Some, but not a lot. I think we should do something Disney themed-”

          “Yes.”

          “-but I’m not sure what other than that. Maybe a mash up of everything, little bits from each song?”

          “Hey, you put together a basic outline and I think that sounds amazing.”

          Conversation bounced easily back and forth while they ate, and Jace went to set up a video game while Nyar cleared away the leftovers and trash. He put in his headphones and set up his laptop, working on a basic arrangement for the next video. After about thirty minuets, he glanced over his shoulder at Jace. 

          Not yet. 

          He went back to his work, humming a little with his music as he worked. It was about forty five minuets before he remembered his plan, having gotten sucked into his own work. He tossed a look over his shoulder and grinned at the sight of his partner. Ey were leaned a bit forward, talking to someone on their headset. Ey were entirely focused on eir game, totally engrossed as ey swore and yelled. Nyar closed his laptop quietly, then leaned his phone against a stack of books, making sure the camera could see the couch, and Jace. 

          He had a hard time containing his giggles as he walked around the couch. He stood close to Jace, watching the game.

          “Got a sniper up in that steeple.” He pointed out.

          “Got ’im.” Jace muttered, taking the shooter out. 

          Nyar watched a few seconds longer before he turned to face his partner. He looked down at em, his hands in his pockets.

          Jace glanced up at him, tearing eir eyes away from the screen for only a second. “What?”

          Nyar shrugged, “Nothing.”

          “Quit staring at me, then. You’re creeping me out.” Eir attention flicked back to the tv. 

          Nyar took his chance, sitting down next to Jace. He giggled a little as he lifted eir arm and ducked under it.

          “Babe-Babe, stop!” Jace shouted, putting a hand on his chest and trying to push him away, “I’m busy here!”

          Nyar giggled, catching himself and trying again, straddling Jace’s legs and trying to snuggle against em. “But I’m cold!”

          “Then go put on a sweatshirt!” Jace shoved him again.

          “You’re in the one I want to wear!”

          “That sounds like a you problem!” Ey yellled, shoving him off again. When he landed, and sat up, ey lifted a foot, planting it in the middle of his chest, keeping him at bay as he sat laughing on the floor. 

          “Babe, c’mon! Let me love you!”

          “Go away, you clingy idiot.”

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

The Moon and The Stars

(After the last bit, I figured it was time for some fluff. Don't worry, the next bit will be about characters besides Ewan and Avanda! SUUUUUUPER fluffy. Probably not great. 200% self indulgence. Also I have no idea what's going on with the formatting on this, sorry)

Prompts: “The moon is high tonight, it frames you well.” “Stars pale in comparison to you.” “I’ve never felt such love.”

Avanda smiled as she clapped along with the music. The harvest festival was a welcome diversion from the day to day routine that her life had fallen into; as well as an excuse for all of her friends to come into the village from their far flung corners where they had been staying. Thane danced by, Peadair riding on his shoulders and clapping excitedly as they spun in circles around the room. Carina Was dancing with Carrick, who was blushing profusely. Nyar, Caelum and Jalev were all sitting at a table, taking turns arm wrestling each other. Things finally had fallen into place, and Avanda felt truly at ease for the first time in a very long time.

    Ewan made his way through the crowd, a smile on his face as he approached her. She smiled back at him as he took her drink from her hand. She raised an eyebrow when he set it down on the table next to her, instead of taking it to refill, as she had expected him to. 

    “C’mon, Lass.” He said with a wink as he took her hand in his. 

    Avanda was again surprised when he led her not to the dance floor, but to the door in the back of the tavern, and slipped outside. 

    “Ewan, where are we going?” She asked as he pulled her away from the town square, back towards the road that led to the MacClyde home. 

    “Hush, Lass! It’s a surprise!”

    “Ewan--”

    “I said hush!” Ewan teased. He pulled her through the forest, off the road, and along what had to have been a hunting path. They ducked carefully under low branches and Ewan helped her over fallen logs, until finally he stopped. 

    They had reached the river bank and Avanda couldn’t help but smile. The trees grew a little farther apart from each other here, allowing them some space to move around. The grass was thicker here than other parts of the woods, and grew slightly taller as well. Ewan had clearly come here at some point earlier, and laid out a blanket, flattening a portion of the grass down for them. He smiled as he pulled her closer to himself, wrapping his arms around her waist. 

    “I thought tonight would be a nice night to get away, you and I.” He said with a wink.

    Avanda laughed a little as she slid her own arms up around his neck, “I think you were absolutely right.” She stood on her toes slightly, pressing a soft kiss onto the corner of his mouth, teasing him a little. She felt him smile and shift so that his lips were better aligned with her’s, and she pulled back a little, still teasing him.

    “Ah, Lass…” He sighed. 

She pulled back even farther, giggling as she quickly darted away from him, pulling her shoes off as she ran for the river, splashing into it as he stumbled behind her, grasping at her fingers as she tore away. They splashed through the river until they were knee deep, kicking water into each other’s faces and shrieking loudly with laughter. Finally, Ewan caught up with Avanda and swept her off of her feet, pulling her from the river. She laughed and kicked her bare feet, splashing him as much as she could as they left. He set her down on the bank and she feigned pouting as he pulled on his boots. 

“Ach, you didn’t even bring me my shoes! My feet are going to get all sandy now!” She joked, pointing at the soles of her feet. 

Ewan gave her a quick peck on the lips before swooping down and pulling her up over his shoulder. 

    “There!” He declared, “See? No sand on your pretty little feet!” and with that, he deposited her down onto the blanket, before flopping down next to her. 

    She sat up, arms stretched behind her and he shifted, his hands behind his head. They were silent for a long while, enjoying the peace of the night. Avanda sighed as she watched the light dance along the water, the river adding its own cheerful melody. The trees swayed and seemed to hum along quietly and owl song flitted through the leaves. 

    “The moon is high tonight,” Ewan said softly, “it frames you well.”

    “Och, come off it.” Avanda laughed, “You’re such a sap.”

    “Ah well I can’t help it, can I?” Ewan said as he sat up, mirroring Avanda’s position. “I have the most beautiful girl in the whole world.”

    Avanda rolled her eyes. “MacClyde, you’re embarrassing your family name.”

    “So what if I am? It’s only the truth.” Ewan said, his fingers trailing up Avanda’s arm, “Stars pale in comparison to you, Lass.”

    His fingers tangled in the hair at the base of her neck, and he pulled her in close to him, kissing her slowly. Avanda’s eyes shut, and she melted into him as he gently pulled her down to the ground, never breaking apart from each other. His hands traveled across her back, slow and deliberate, exploring her shoulders and neck.  She pulled back from him and he smiled at her; that crooked half grin that drove her crazy. 

    “I’ve never felt such love.” She whispered, shaking her head a little. “What have you done to me?”

    Ewan laughed, “Me? I did nothing. You’re the one that’s stolen my heart. You’ve blinded me to any future except one with you by my side.”

    Avanda laughed and swatted his arm. “Do you get these out of a book?”

    Ewan’s smile widened and he shrugged. “What can I say? You bring out the poet in me.”

   

    They woke in the soft, still moments of the morning, tangled in each other’s arms in the gray light before the sun rose, and slipped quietly back into town. Ewan kept his fingers entwined in her’s, even once other people began to move about, something that before then he had only done in the privacy of the clearing that their home rested in.

    None of her friends said anything about it to her, but the smirk and pointed wink from Thane were enough to tell her that their absence had been noticed. (And the gentle smack on the back of his head was enough to tell Thane to keep his mouth shut, at least for the time being.)

    The rest of the day, Ewan was softer around her than Avanda had ever seen him. He slipped flowers behind her ear, or tucked them into her braid as they walked. His hand traced circles on her back, or rested on her hip as they explored town, and he bent low, whispering to her and surprising her with little kisses on the cheek as they enjoyed the festival.

    And for the first time ever, Avanda felt like maybe, just maybe, this was the life she was meant to lead. 

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Nyar let out a small huff of laughter. "Yeah, there was."

"We should have those by now." There was a hint of eir old self in the statement. A thin joke forced through the confusion.

"Yeah well." Nyar had to wipe his eyes, "Sicheng got a little sidetracked. Had to put the car on hold I guess."

"Because he was working with you?"

Nyar nodded. "I think in part. The War sort of slowed everything down...."

He wasn't sure how long they talked. It felt like hours, but it couldn't have been more than thirty minutes. Jace would bring up some memory, usually something small with a question attached to it. He would nod, then confirm what ey said, filling in gaps as best as he could for em. He could hear Jace slipping away a little, eir tone fading.

"I...I should go."

"Ok. Hey Jace?" He waited. Still no click. "Thank you for calling. It was good to hear you." More silence. "I hope you know I'm always here." Silence. Still no click. "I've missed you."

"I've--me too. I'm sorry." Click.

Nyar swallowed hard and bit his lip. "I love you." He finally whispered before he set his phone down.

Nyar waited months for another call, but it never came. His stomach had begun to knot itself up each night, but still, no call. He'd saved the number on his phone the last time he'd spoken to Jace; hopeful when he'd seen that it was a Brooklyn number that maybe ey had found somewhere to settle down. That ey may call again. After three months of waiting, he swallowed hard and decided to try the number.

It rang. It rang and rang, and rang some more. No-one answered. He finally hung up, heart sinking.

He didnt know what to think. He wanted so badly to look for em, but his own search as well as Carina's had proven fruitless.

After four months he found out why.

He stood, shoulder to shoulder with his team. The last line of defense, the sworn protectors.

And there ey stood. A step behind and to the right of the man who was threatening to end everything Nyar had ever fought for. Devon sneered at him, lifted a finger, and uttered three words.

"Kill the Captain."

Jace moved smoothly, eir body obeying the order without hesitation.

Nyar stood his ground as his team surged forward around him, each taking on their own adversaries as the Hydra agents all sighted their weapons. Nyar wanted to crumple to the ground. Wanted to sob. He wanted to grab Jace by the shoulders and shake em while he screamed "No! This isn't you, Jace! Come back!"

Instead, he swung his shield around, just in time to stop eir enhanced fist from connecting with his chest.

its not what happens but I'm just picturing like, Jace getting hurt and its the only way Nyar can really get close to em so he carries em back to the avengers tower and they have to sedate/restrain em after ey wake back up

and just. nyar hating himself for it

[mrs-mikko-rantanen]

Ok but hear me out, this could be a very cute AU in soooooo many ways

(I hc Hamish reading the story to Peadar and Carrick for both of these, but:...)

Option 1: Ewan as Buttercup, Avanda as Wesley

Ewan being a ditzy kinda clueless pretty boy? Yes please.

Avanda being a sweet, quiet farm hand who low-key thinks Ewan is just the best person in the world and is in love? Yep. I'd like to see it.

"Ewan was amazed to find that when Avanda said 'as you wish', what she really meant was 'i love you'" god I'm so soft thats such a great line.

Avanda being taken captive and assumed dead, Ewan falling into a deep depression and swearing never to love again? Basically canon

Ewan agreeing to marry, hating himself for it

Avanda returning as the Dread Pirate Magpie

Ok but who are Vizini, Inigo and Fezzik? Carina, Thane and Nyar in that order. (Not sold on that but oh well good enough)

Avanda!whump in the fireswamp!

Ewan saving Avanda bc of self sacrifice!

Avanda!whump at the hands of the 6 fingered man!

Avanda!whump!!! Lots of it!!!

Ewan wearing lots of fun sparkly clothes? Yes

Avanda wearing black, tight fitting clothes, high boots, and a sexy mask and using a sword??? Y E S

OK BUT EWAN AND AVANDA DRESSING UP AS WESTLEY AND BUTTERCUP FROM PRINCESS BRIDE????

[childrenoflight-darkness-nothing]

If you’re certain...

What they smell like

Rain or woodsy kinda. But I could also see em using like a fruity scented soap too? So??? Scents are hard

What their favourite smells in the world are

Citrus aparently?

Also woodsmoke, like what you’d smell off of a bonfire.

That old paper/book smell

What pajamas they wear/what they wear to sleep in

a “stolen” shirt of ny’s ey absolutely drown in it because eir so much smaller than he is

tshirt and shorts, would be a tank top or like a sports bra but certain scars to hide pre backstory/scar reveal and all that

My favourite ship (if applicable) and a cute headcanon about them

Favourite Jace ship? Javen

I’m kidding! Scribbles don’t murder me! We all know it’s Greybane, without question.

Cute headcanon hmmm

So Jace can sing, right that’s been established. But ey don’t, not really. Never in front of anyone. But another thing I’ve mentioned before (I think) was songwriting... so. Uh. Pre relationship. Pining yet clueless to it Jace, locked away and out of sight/hearing range composing different songs. And they all come out to be like love songs and months later when their together, they’re so obviously about Nyar ey can see that now.

The music kinda tucked away. Hidden away and forgotten about. And Nyar finds them, and just starts reading through the lyrics and he can see it, that they’re about him. About them.

A half baked thought. An idea.

My favourite friendship (if applicable) and a cute headcanon about them

Jace and Tyde

Two dumbasses with zero impulse control

(That’s all I’ve got I’m sorry)

A song that reminds me of them

this one

What animal I think they’d be if they were an animal

Hmmmm. I don’t know. Never given it any thought. 😁 A wolf perhaps? 😂

What position they sleep in

Tucked into a corner with eir knees to eir chest, where ey inevitably cried emself back asleep after a nightmare. Starts out the night on eir side in a fetal position though.

Their favourite drink

I really want to say apple juice and I’m not sure why? Maybe I’m projecting? But I mean like all my OCs are me so mayhaps not projecting? But I also really want Apple juice so idk? Drinks and scent questions those are the hard ones

A gift I would give them if I could

Some self preservation instincts

Jace for the soft headcanons bc EY DESERVE IT OK?

Do ey? Do ey really? After what ey just did?