#Not a huge labels person myself and this isn't really used anyway but I feel like I might be sort of... Grey partnering

[aro-who-reads]

Hate having weird feelings (non-romantic) for people. Barely ever happens, I have no idea what I actually want. He's hot. I want to get to know him better. I referred to him as 'my friend' to someone and it felt really nice, but if he wanted some kind of relationship I'm not totally sure I'd say no?

[aroace-rizgukgak]

I'm sorry you're getting clown ass anons but i simply must say that you are so based. on all of this. Like the "Um actually it's fine to stop a character who had a whole arc about how they're aroace and don't want relationships because of the yaoi that i made up." is so... Well it's a sad world we're living in, truly, but it's nice and quite vindicating to see your good takes on the matter!

Haha thanks man. As an aro person myself, it can be extremely irritating when most of a fandom is shipping, and normally d20 fans are pretty okay at talking about the story mostly, having shipping only come up when there's romance in the story. This is just one case where people are ignoring a huge part of riz's character, something that isn't super commonly explored in stories, a character who really just doesn't want relationships. It feels really invalidating to put an aroace person in your neat little romantic relationship. And again, I can't stop people and it wasn't that much of an issue until people started directly talking To Me trying to justify shipping him. I'm not gonna change my mind, so there's really no point. It's pretty disrespectful, even though he's just a character, there are real life aro people who see the way his identity is erased and purposefully ignored for Another ship. The way I see it, a lot of people agree that it would be wrong to ship Kristen, a canon lesbian, with a man. To me, riz and his aroace identity is just as important, even if murph hasn't looked down the camera and said "riz gukgak is asexual and aromantic". He might never explicitly use labels, but he shouldn't HAVE to. Riz said "I don't feel the same urges as my friends and I lied about dating someone so there wouldn't be any questions to why I'm not getting in a relationship with anyone". It's pretty damn clear.

Anyway yes, thank you for the ask

[thatonegaybrit]

; idk why but after reading some posts I js realized why it took me years and years of questioning, years of discomfort, years of self hate and years of forcing myself into labels to realize I'm transmasc & like guys. Like, like it took me years and it was because

; ( long under the cut + rant like but w a good ending lol /gen )

; because I had been taught men and liking men was bad, was evil, was mysoginistic, was siding w the enemy

pt: ; because I had been taught men and liking men was bad, was evil, was mysoginistic, was siding w the enemy

; and I fully believed this, it was said by my mother and my friends and by social media and influencers and everyone I used to look up too, so why wouldn't it be true ?? So realizing I was transmasc was 100% harder because ppl were clinging on too the whole " if you're born a man or transition into a man you're horrible and evil and disgusting etc etc and there's no getting out of it I hate you " feminism and I wanted so bad to be in a community and to have ppl like me ( and I didn't know of any other safe places ) that I js went with it. I claimed to be a trans ally but I depised trans men & trans mascs, I hated cis men especially ! I hated everyone who was masculine or liked masculine people. I was like legit a terrible person and a huge exclusionist and I didn't even notice. Because I genuinely thought I was in the right, because I'd been raised like that. Because I'd been continuously told that. So I wasn't a " bad person " I was a good person, I was correct and I was spreading good information

; and yk I was devastated when I realized I was transmasc, it was horrifying to think because " oh shit oh no I must be broken, be evil !! and what if I js get worse !?? What if I end up like other men oh no ! " and that is terrifying to think that's how I used to think, like, that was normal for me. That was right.

; but funnily enough after being like okay I'm transmasc now what !?? I went to some transmasc / accepting queer centered blogs & sites & discords and I swear they were so welcoming it flipped everything I knew on it's head. I'd been told they were all gross and mysoginistic and rapists and js terrible people but the nicest person there who helped me sm was a cis gay man. He was kind and supportive and helped me through what I was feeling .. !! He didn't even get offended by my original thought process because his brother had been the same, his friends had been the same, most trans men / mascs in those places had been the same. They'd all thought something was wrong w them, that they were horrid people and they were betraying women etc etc.

; and I'm forever grateful I got out of that way of thinking, I've never been happier being myself. Letting others be themselves. And I don't feel so broken anymore, I don't buy into the " siding w the enemy !! " bullshit because that's what it is, bullshit. Plus I know I don't have to look a certain way to be transmasc so it's helped my dysphoria to an extent yk .. But it still really pisses me off that people hate men for purely being men, that's stupid and literally genuinely not what feminism is, its not what inclusivity is, it's just shitty and stupid. You aren't just born a horrible person and it certainly isn't based off something like gender or sex. And you sure as fuck don't get to call yourself inclusive for it.

; anyways I love you trans men & transmascs and all masculine / man aligned lovelies in all your ways and yeah. You're not evil or disgusting or betraying anyone just because you are a man / masc person <3 ( this also goes for anyone expressing themselves masculinely / who look masculine <333 )

[batemanofficial]

time for everybody's favorite game: jaime waxes poetic about whether or not im transgender

so im less concerned with labels now that im a little older than i have been in the past but this shit is so confusing dawg. i always say that if i had been born ten years later i would have transitioned because i spent the first six or so years of my life believing wholeheartedly that i was a boy. but i eventually just kind of had to cave to the expectations that were set for me (interpersonally, at church, within my family, etc), and had a very very hardcore "not like other girls" phase to cope with that. when i got to high school i kinda gave that up and got really into makeup and fashion to try to make femininity "my own," and i still enjoy both of those things today but it's always felt very costume-y to me. like i don't wear makeup to feel like a "better version of myself" (to use substance parlance), i wear it to play dress up. to be something that *isnt* me. its me but its not. its caricature. its pastiche. i very rarely dress up in a way that isn't some kind of like. reference or something. maybe that's not the right word but my outward appearance is very intentionally constructed and not necessarily representative of the consciousness inside. dgmw dressing eclectically is very much a part of my personality and something that i enjoy doing, but it's performance at the end of the day.

but to switch gears a little i don't know if i want to be a man per se either. like ive never felt like a woman but idk about calling myself a man either. like my lesbianism is a huge part of my identity and i don't want to give that up for the sake of ideological cohesiveness. hang on sorry i just realized im describing the plot of stone butch blues. carry on.

but anyway i definitely want the respect that men are afforded both just in general and within my industry specifically (being a woman in a professional kitchen sucksssssss sometimes) but on the flip side would that be worth all the fuss? and idk about testosterone and all that bc i don't want to deal with the side effects quite honestly. but at the same time i hate being looked at as a "woman" and ogled and harassed and all that jazz. if i had it my way i'd be 6'2 and have no tits but alas i am on the surface a conventionally attractive skinny white woman. and i hate that. it disgusts me like genuinely. i know that makes me sound like a total cunt and like im fishing for compliments but im not. maybe im just too substance pilled but i feel like meat when im reminded of what i look like.

i think part of the disconnect im feeling comes from the fact that im intersex (turner syndrome nation rise) and i have all the indicators of womanhood but still other things about my body that point the other way. and identifying as nonbinary feels the most coherent to me but it just comes with so much societal baggage that it's just not worth it to me. like i HATE being they/themmed bc it feels like a pc way to say "what the fuck are you" and "you're just a girl who wants to be quirky." and obv i don't believe those things abt nonbinary people but i feel like that's what the current sentiment is from most people on the street.

ughhhhh anyway. i saw this image and it really made me think. like this is objectively silly but this is exactly how i feel.

but anyway it's 1:15 in the morning and my phone's about to die so i should go to bed BUT if you have any words of wisdom please feel free to share because i am in truth extremely jealous of the self actualization my trans friends and those on hrt have bc i am a pussy who hates going to the doctor and can't get out of their own head enough to decide if they even want that. but i think i might. if you read this far im sorry for the word vomit but thank you for reading anyway. mwah y buenas noches

[askelectrochromic]

what is the Krikani language like? i like the description of Cheloan glyphs as analogous to Hanzi or Kanji (being able to identify the ``spicy'' character) but id love to know about the Krikani writing system

(im not expecting you to write a whole conlang of course but was curious if you had a general shape or feeling to it in mind) ^^;

SableGear0: You know, I haven't actually given it much thought yet. I probably should, though. My first impulse was to say "they don't have a written language" (for reasons I will discuss in a moment) but that seems impossible; they're a sapient species capable of space-travel and manage huge military systems, they probably have writing since not all communication can be person-to-person. So, organic rambling solution-finding and some links and images under the cut.

Generally I conceptualize Kriken as a (semi-)eusocial hive organism that are passively psionic, to keep in touch with the greater hive. How much direct communication happens psionically I'm still not sure; whether it can be used "conversationally," or if it's merely a "vibe" they share with local Kriken that's strong enough to pick up on the "vibe" from the core colony sometimes. The fact that they have a spoken language probably means its closer to the latter.

If the psionic communication is powerful enough, then maybe they wouldn't need to write? But then how would you do something like label the controls on a starship or make maps? You might have to devote someone to memorizing what all the labels would be and then telepathically ask them what you're looking at. Which isn't totally unreasonable, if we consider them highly specialized hive organisms. Maybe they do have "librarians" that keep this stuff in their minds and can be asked/accessed on a whim. This would be an extremely alien way of keeping track of information. While I kind of like it, it seems maybe a bit too weird for the Metroid series as we know it. Arguably, Metroid has kept its aliens fairly (socially) tame, giving us a lot of written logs throughout the Prime series. Though the ones we've gotten the most lore on are Pirates and Chozo, which aren't great benchmarks since they were respectively "the bad guys" and "the good guys (mostly)."

Being insectoid, Kriken might also communicate via pheromones? But pheromones and what/how Kriken eat have been stumping me because... well, their heads aren't really attached.

Trace has no neck. And while in some renders it looks like that tiny teardrop of a head is resting on the body, the in-game model and wireframe show pretty clearly they do not touch. Hence why I go with psionic; their heads float for spooky psionic reasons. This also means that while their heads may be a sensory center (headshots still work in Hunters), I doubt it's where they stick food when (if?) they eat, so it being a chemosensor feels a little unlikely, but I digress.

Anyway back to written language. I suppose I have to ask myself, what would a written language look like if it was invented by ants? Or bees? Ants is a tough one mainly because I don't actually know much about ant organization. My impression is that they build and tunnel fairly organically, just wherever is easiest to go and/or smells like it has the most food. When I think about bees, though, I think about bee dances, and how that might be adapted into a written language; a system abstracting the orientation and movement of the body into markings that can be re-read at any time so that worker doesn't have to bust down and dance it out every time she wants to relay some information to someone new.

And thinking about that, I think about Phyrexian. This conlang shows up in the Magic the Gathering universe, and knowing what I know about Phyrexians (an all-consuming hivemind-like culture that take creatures and turn them into half-mechanical abominations to serve their own purposes), it seems like a decent fit.

The shape of these is really what I was going for but the cultural implications match up too. I was thinking of the cross-strokes being similar to the directional facing if you were to write down a bee dance, the extra marks indicating other movements like stops or the frequency of a waggle.

It also looks like something a bug might make if you dipped it in ink and let it walk around on a paper, so that's neat. Scratching marks like these out would be fairly quick and easy for a Kriken, since they only appear to have a crab-like manipulator and a single combat claw, and I've stuck with that design choice in describing them because it's more interesting than "oh and they have normal hands too".

So there's your answer, I guess. Written Krikani probably looks kind of like Phyrexian; branching strokes off a central line that stem from an ancestral system of gestural communication (and I like the verticality so I'll probably keep that too). Simple, efficient, and easy to replicate.

Thanks for the ask! This was a bit of a brain-teaser.

[sucktacular]

Anyway I have my first therapy appt on Wednesday and I'm super nervous ... I know it's just intake before really getting into it all but like

Hhhh

I was doing so really really bad for months and months, like... Just not good at all without getting into it. It's been slowly getting worse and better and worse and better for the past few years since covid and everything changed

But like now this past week I've been doing a lot less terrible and I'm very anxious about like

Huhuhu I'm okay now I don't need this huhuhu I'm just wasting money and time I'll try again later :)))

When like I still have agoraphobia, I still don't function I'm still anxious to be around my house when ppl are home, I'm still not eating well, I'm still not right

I'm just

Really really anxious that I'll open something up in me and this good mood will slip away again

And I know this therapist has talked about like hey I recognize there are different levels of discomfort and I will guide us carefully and thoughtfully and if we get to an overly discomforting place I'll guide us back

But like I've also been to two different counselors (ah yes I know, I have so much experience!) and each time they made me either cry and riped open my wounds or I just got to the point where she was kinda putting words in my head and I felt so confused I just wanted to leave as fast as possible and then hung out in the secluded back waiting room trying to calm down by myself before leaving...

Idk I'm so very anxious of getting tripped up and falling back

But also like I know I need to deal with it all if I want to get anywhere better than I am. Where I am isn't sustainable, it's just a safe little hole in the ground I've dug out.

Idk it's times like these I feel like a huge faker. Like I don't actually have PTSD I don't actually have depression I'm just weird and anxious and like to lie and pretend I have problems!!! "My problems aren't that bad and it's weird that I am the way I am, dunno what that's about lol :))"

No matter how bad I feel no matter what, at the end of the day I look back and say, what a great act what a great show you preformed, bow and get off the stage!

I've been acting my whole life and these aren't traumas they're just things I latch onto and make it a defining character trait for my persona so that when ppl ask me why I'm anxious why I'm weird I can be like" oh here is my resume actually and here is every upsetting thing that ever happened to me. I'm valid I'm valid :) agreed? It makes sense yes? I'm glad my math makes sense to the masses :)"

And like the worst part is feeling that so deeply and then actively knowing, hey this is so very wrong and people don't think like this when they're healthy so I clearly have problems to work out so this isn't "not worth it" or "not the right time"

But it's just a vicious cycle of spiraling and picking thoughts and reasons and experiences and nonsense and at the end of it all the bad feelings are always stronger they always win.

I'll be honest but the diagnosises I've been given don't feel enough? And I'm sure I'm not the first person to feel like that and I know dealing with the things and symptoms like trauma and anxiety without having to name them clinically should probably be my focus but I feel so annoyed that if I said to someone 'hey my names Alex and I have PTSD and anxiety and dysthymia and adhd' it just doesn't feel like it is me enough... But also that's.. really embarrassing to say and cringe in the worst ways

Maybe it's part of the fucked up 'wanting worse things to happen to you' trauma parallels of wanting a bigger badder diagnosis so that I can be like THIS MAKES SENSE THIS IS WHAT I DEAL WITH when like I'm sure the labels I have, combined and intertwined, add up and make the math of my brain make sense but

Man it just doesn't add up it just doesn't make enough sense to me, maybe for the interview portion of my evaluation I was masked up too much maybe I didn't explain my thoughts and feelings enough or maybe it's real and they're the right labels and I'm just looking for a problem to obsess about

I can go in circles and circles about it all but I just don't feel right and I feel shifted and out of place in my skin and it feels eternal and never ending

Like being lost in a corn maze or something idk I've never been in one but it sounds like it'd suck

Can I just restart? Can I get a restart of my brain cuz I feel like tripping over my feet over and over and never falling down but never waking right

Feel well enough to be alive but scrunched up and icky enough that it's not functional

So anyway I'm very good at being normal and not weird all the time and I hope I get a good grade on being a person

[arsnovacadenza]

NobuKicho plot bunnies that I'll never follow up. Part one:

WHAT IF what if Kicho simply left the castle to make a name for himself doing foreign trade because he got sick of playing feudal politics but then he gets reunited with Nobu and they need to make an uneasy alliance

Kicho's background is pretty much the same. Kicho in disguise was married to Nobu (to save Nouhime), Nobu was the only one who knew and Kicho bribed him with sex, but then Nobu let him go one day and that's how Kicho got away from the castleWhat if Kicho and Nobu stuck with each other under the belief that all the women chasing after them are really after their power and money. Neither believes that any woman (or man) would wholly love them as they are

They go with the motions, taking lovers here and there (Nobu with women and probs Kitsuno with Ranmaru fanboying in the background and Kicho with random flings with men and women) while still believing that deep down they feel undeserving of unconditional love

Them being desensitized to blood and killing doesn't really play a huge part. Like they're used to it because ofc it's the Warring States period. The problems stem from them not having anybody to wholly rely on. They are both highly guarded people with a reputation to maintain, so they'll just deny whatever insecurity they feel and live another day.

TO THEM VULNERABILITY IS A WEAKNESS hah that's what I'm trying to say. And they don't like being seen as a lonely, pitiful child with no one to care for them like how dare u I am an adult and I have people to lead.

Anyway back to Nobukicho. Kicho becomes a mediator between Nobu's faction and Hongan-Ji (I wasn't aware that irl Nobu's beef with the sect was that intense till I read more stuff. The more you know)

Nobu invites Kicho to play board games. Sometimes it's Go, sometimes it's Shogi or Sugoroku (read more about Sugoroku here)

Throughout the game, Kicho notices how much Nobu's changed and how much Nobu actually treats him like an equal (which is an improvement compared to Nobu's tough-guy act when he's younger)

Kicho at first is snarky and condescending, but as time goes on they genuinely try to be amicable

And then one night there's sake involved and they end up falling into bed

Both try to rationalize it by claiming they're both drunk but come on, neither are lightweights

Nobu confesses that he'd like to have Kicho as his bedmate and the latter agrees. It actually worsens their relationship because now they're stuck in a relationship with a person they obviously care about but can't maintain in a healthy way

In come the angry sex, the hate sex, and even non-sexual encounters that leave them frustrated and ashamed

They're fine with being labeled as monsters. But deep down they yearn to be recognized as humans again, being allowed to do human things (Kicho seems vocal about this, judging by his interactions with MC and lamenting about her innocence). Hell, Kicho actually says that Nobunaga's vision is noble and that he should strive for that time when all of Japan is united and living in peace.

Bonus: Kicho, unlike Nobunaga who's less likely to think about the afterlife, had a paranoid, religious (?) mother who believed everyone is going to hell because they keep killing people. Kicho isn't religious now, but he still carries that guilt complex around and that's why he's often seen talking with dem Portuguese Catholic priests who'd sometimes trade with him.

Tagging @weird-konpeito and @ashavazesa because I don't wanna keep this to myself.

[novaviis]

hi um. how did you come out as non-binary to people in real life? I think I might be bisexual and I kind of want to tell a few people close to me, but im not really sure how. I hope this isn’t too personal and you obviously don’t have to answer but I figured I’d ask anyway. thanks so much, love your stories and your blog. You’re an incredible author 🥰🥰💖💖

This is a bit of a difficult one to answer, so I hope you don't mind me rambling a bit.

So my first "coming out" was when I was thirteen. I told three of my friends that I was Bi during recess at the back of the school yard. Then I came out as Pan to my Mom when I was fifteen. Over the years, it was like a slow process of coming out over and over again, and constantly trying to shift around labels to figure out what fit me best. I didn't come out to my Dad until I was twenty two (and I was wine drunk at a fancy pizza place but that's another story).

As far as my gender identity goes, I never really felt the need to be "out" to the people in my life, particularily my family. I wouldn't call myself closeted by a long shot, they see the way I like to play with my presentation. Even now that I've grown my hair out again, it's no secret that I sometimes prefer more masculine clothing and sometimes feminine. And they see me. I think one of the most meaningful moments I've had with my oldest sister was when she asked me out of the blue, "You know, I've never asked you what pronouns you use." And when I answered "Oh yeah, they/them but I've always been fine with she/her too," that was the end of it. I'm more "out" to my friends, but when it comes to people in "real life" that's about it.

And that's a personal thing. It isn't that I don't feel safe, or I want to stay closeted - it's just, I dunno, a glass closet? I don't really feel the need to break it. To me, that's a wonderful feeling. But to be clear, that's just me.

The point that I'm getting at here is that the most important thing is to sit down and think about what's really important to you. If you feel like you're still figuring things out, don't feel pressured to make a big show of coming out. You can do it all at once, you can do it over several years, you can not do it at all while just living your life and letting everyone else figure it out. I know there's huge social pressure nowadays to come out, but you don't have to do it until you're ready, and you definitely don't have to pick one label and stick with it. No human being is static.

The best advice I can give you is this: only come out if you feel 100% safe with who you're talking to. Make sure you have support. Don't feel like you owe that information to anyone. And don't feel like you have to stick with the same label you initially came out with. Think of your identity like clothing. You wear it while it feels good, but as soon as it doesn't fit, throw it away.

Best of luck, love.

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm realising things about myself/my brain again lol (this time it's nothing super sad at least)

so I unfortunately have this problem where I get very obsessed with things and then have to buy everything related to that thing. like - right now it's fountain pens and ink, or records when it's music, or merchandise and stuff like that.

and I think it's because I want to spend all my time with just this one thing/topic/person/hobby, but the buying too many things aspect isn't always there. so I was wondering why that is, because I do like the things that I buy, but it doesn't feel like it's enough, like sometimes I feel so excited to get the things I ordered but then they get here and it's like.. hmm. this did nothing for me 🤷 and I often get very confused about that because I wanted this so much, why doesn't it make me happy??

and I think what causes that is when something is stopping me from doing what I really want to do. like right now I want to sit at my dining table and have lots of room to put all my inks and stuff on there to really use them. but I can't, because 1. my entire body hurts so I can't sit in a chair, 2. I have no energy again so I can't really focus, and 3. the table is completely covered in stuff so I couldn't sit there anyway.

so I can't do the thing that I actually want to do, and instead I do something else that I can do: buying stuff. that I then can't use because of the issue that caused me to buy stuff, and that makes me more frustrated and that just makes all of it worse.

chaos around me is a huge part of this. when everything is cluttered and messy, I can't think about anything else. but I usually don't have the energy to clean, so I try to do stuff anyway without putting things away when I'm done, and it just keeps getting messier and that makes me even less able to tidy up.

and I think I do sort of know when that is happening but I usually don't actively realise it? I think that's why I 'randomly' decided I need to rearrange the furniture in our entire apartment. I do that pretty often, basically whenever there's something that makes me unable to focus or do stuff - like the table being in the wrong spot for me to comfortably use it, or things being left on surfaces they're not supposed to be on.

so then I rearrange stuff or get another shelf or make whatever changes that need to be made to fix the problems that I had with the old layout, and that makes it better, because those problems are now fixed. but then new problems show up over time and it starts all over again. every time I do this it feels like 'this is it, this is perfect right, this is definitely going to fix all my organisational problems'. but of course it never lasts.

this also happens in slightly different ways. like when I got really into buying records, my brain came up with all these very strict rules for how I had to handle, store, clean, organise and listen to them. it has to be perfect. I have to do it the right way - that I have no say in basically - or I can't do it at all. so I started organising my records, and I wasn't allowed to listen to them until they had been cleaned and labeled and sorted and put into my spreadsheet. but that took a long time because of lots of different things, so in the meantime I kept buying more because I couldn't listen to the ones I already had. which meant I then had more records to organise, and it just. kept. getting. worse. I never finished cleaning them. I only listened to a few of them. and whenever I look at them I feel very ashamed because that means I failed.

the fountain pens and ink situation right now is similar - I get back into this hobby, I want to do something but either don't know/can't figure out exactly what it is, or other circumstances keep me from doing it. so I buy. and when I buy I have to organise (it's not optional, I really HAVE to do it). which leads to more chaos while I get out all the (many) things I need to do that - because it needs to be perfect. no, it needs to be right. I don't even see it as perfection, it's just the only option. I can't do it any other way except the way my brain tells me it needs to done.

I have no idea what the point of this post is, and I think this is probably pretty obvious to other people? but I have to realise this over and over again every few months and somehow this knowledge never stays in my brain 🤷 so. I guess maybe writing it here might help me remember. though to be honest I know it won't, it's like my brain is completely resistant to keeping information long term. 🤷

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

not to get 2 real but your post earlier about your ancestors being excited to see you as you are today vs. changing your body to fit a “standard”… helps. To hear someone say. I really hope someday I can embrace that kind of acceptance and love of myself even if it takes a long time. I don’t want to hate my fat body, but it’s hard to love it on my own, with no framework to follow.

Hello lovely, i hope you're doing well. I'm happy to hear that my spur of the moment posts help in some way bc tbh sometimes i feel like im just speaking into a void and it's nice to know that the stuff i say isn't just gone with the wind sksksk

I completely understand where you're coming from and i can relate. For the majority of my life i have disliked my body, pretty much from middle school through college, and it's taken a lot of work to get to this place of self love and acceptance. I'm not going to pretend like it's easy bc it does take a lot of work, but omg im so much happier as a result. I still have my moments of doubt, which is natural, but overall my love for myself is far beyond what it used to be and im so happy for it.

Ik it's not easy to love yourself, especially with how society treats fat people, but practice and repetition is a proven way to help you change your image of yourself. Positive affirmations repeated daily may not seem like a lot, but human brains are suprisingly simple and once something is repeated enough, it becomes real to us. Even if you dont believe yourself at first when you say "I'm beautiful", if you say it enough times eventually you WILL believe it and once you get to that point you are going to feel such a sense of relief. I highly recommend researching cognitive behavioral therapy bc it played a huge factor in improving my self esteem and developing self love.

It's kinda funny, but i like to fantasize about my ancestors a lot, at least more than the average person. I'm white, i don't have a very detailed family history or a distinct culture so my experiences are different from others, but occassionally I'll think about a distant ancestor from Germany and what she was like. I imagine her pregnant, rubbing her belly, hoping that the harvest this year will be large enough to support her newborn during the winter months, and then i imagine the pure love she feels for her child. I imagine how she viewed her baby growing up and not caring about looks bc we didn't have an advanced society to tell us how we should and shouldn't look in order to be attractive, and i think about that child running around and picking flowers and the mother imagining how her grandchildren will look and act and just being so thankful that her child is healthy and safe and has survived so much. It seems silly but i imagine a lineage of women, mothers who want nothing but the best for their babies, who work tirelessly in order to keep them alive so they may pass on their own DNA to another offspring and continue to survive despite it all. Sometimes i imagine this with ancient primate ancestors too, animals who have no worries besides food and shelter and reproduction, and i think about how simple it all was and how despite societies and their influences, we as humans are still very simple and should treat ourselves as such. You are not fat because you are lazy or too indulgent or a failure. You're fat because your body stores energy in higher quantities. You're fat bc your ancestors were fat and survived and passed their genes onto you. You're fat bc people went through famine and disease outbreaks and lived and were able to keep going and have children. That's all there is to it. Fuck society's views and diet culture and all this unnecessary bullshit that has no meaning whatsoever. You are an amalgam of DNA that has accumulated over millions of years and has resulted in someone so unique that not even the world's greatest scientists can accurately label every gene in your body. You should be proud of that.

ANYWAYS this got way too long sksksk forgive me. I hope you have a good day 💕

[cosmicallyavg]

What Do you think of genderfluid!Thirteen? Do you have headcanons?

so my philosophy with the doctor as a whole character, and then also for each specific incarnation is that people can hedcanon literally whatever for their gender and they're all valid??? so yeah thirteen could be genderfluid if that's what you personally hc yknow??

i made a post not that long ago about thirteen and gender ill put the link here

and like lowkey the doctor is every gender at once no matter what which is a fun way to look at it

but for myself i don't really have a label for her? because if we're being honest i kinda just project my own gender stuff onto her and since i don't have a label for myself i don't know what she is to me.. but like as a whole she is female-adjacent i think

i guess since im so undecided i generally just go with nonbinary? because that's a very broad term to describe any gender that isn't male or female, which genderfluid can fall into that category (imo anyway, everyone has their own opinions about it)

idk like thirteen herself could be genderfluid because i do kinda like the idea that she has days where she's feeling more of one than the other? like when she references being a man or uses male descriptors for herself, maybe those are the days she's feeling more masc and just forgets that she looks like a woman now

but also just the idea that time lords don't have the same concept of gender as humans that i have a hc that time lords just pick what feels right when they regenerate, whether or not it matches what they look like. with the doctor, they typically just pick what pronouns fit their appearance because they hang out with humans a lot so it's easier to just go with what they appear as to humans, even if that's not what they would have chosen for themself? because if they get called something else it's not a huge deal, like if a trans human got called the wrong pronouns, it would hurt yknow? but the doctor/time lords don't put as much value on gender and being called the right thing so it doesn't matter to them

so in that vein maybe agender is a better label idk

but yeah i don't really particularly hc thirteen as genderfluid but some of my gender has about her fit that description?? idk im just so undecided

hopefully literally anything i said makes sense

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 32

THE ROAD SO FAR

Mr. and Mrs. MacTavish

Francine "France" Winters

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow Scotland

3:46 AM

Francine squinted her eyes as she checked her phone, the bright light illuminated her whole visage. No new messages. John promised her he'd text her as soon as the mission was over. According to their briefing, the recon mission should've ended about four hours ago.

She shifted her position and turned to Maxine who looked sound asleep. A soft smile escaped her lips once she realized that Maxine was safe within her reach.

She forced her eyes to close again but couldn't quite get the sleep she needed. She wondered if John ever got tired running in her mind. After failing her last attempt to get some sleep, she slowly got up and made her way to the kitchen for some milk.

Much to her surprise, the kitchen lights were open and Samantha sat on the dining table, her chin rested on her arms as she stared on her phone.

"Can't sleep?" France asked and it shocked Samantha a little.

"Yeah. He's supposed to text me three hours ago. Now I can't help but worry." Samantha groaned in frustration.

"John promised that too…" she slowly placed her phone on the table and it beeped. The womens eyes widened as France excitedly unlocked her phone.

Her smile almost reached the heavens but soon after reading the notification, she suddenly went back to her frown.

"What was it?" Samantha asked, raising her head and looked at Francine.

"A software update notification." Francine sighed and went to grab a glass of milk.

"Say, France… has it ever crossed your mind that John would be the one you'll end up marrying?" Samantha asked. Francine's cheeks burned immediately at the idea as she envisioned herself living in a house with three children with mohawks running around. She wasn't ready for all of it but she's blushing at the sheer idea of it as if she liked it.

"Umm… uh.. I'm not sure. Sam." her tone was really suspicious, as if hiding something and making up blatant lies. She just wished Samantha couldn't see through her.

"Sorry for that kind of question. It's just that… I think that Alex is the one for me… that's why I'm this worried about him. I couldn't sleep knowing he's not beside me…" Samantha explained while pondering her situation. If that was the case for her, then France's insomnia could also mean that she's…

"I guess it's normal to feel that way…" France defended, downing a half full glass of milk.

"You've been with him for quite some time and you both admittedly loved each other, that's why you showed concern toward him." She continued.

"So, that goes to you too? Right?" Samantha asked. France once again got cornered by her own train of thought.

"Look. Yes. I'm concerned about John too… he's…" she smiled.

"He's something else… I'm far too ready to reopen myself to a relationship and he actually told me he was willing to wait and be a friend in need." she continued, now her heart was beating slowly but fluttering at the idea of her thoughts. John was willing to wait. That meant that she could have all the time at her disposal until she was ready to love again. But such time needed was already up, as she was already denying the inevitable feeling of love she was projecting toward the Scotsman.

"Sounds like you're already ready." Samantha teased.

"No I'm not!" France immediately dismissed her, grabbed her phone and went back to bed.

"As a matter of fact, I'll sleep right now!" She said as Samantha just laughed and waved goodnight.

France slowly paced in front of John's room. She felt as if there was a huge magnet pulling her towards it and the longer her phone doesn't ring, the more convinced she was to get in. Succumbing to temptation, she pushed the doors open and sneaked her way in.

His room was always her favorite place in the house. It showcased a lot of his personality that no one could ever see in him. Landscape drawings and sketches filled the room. Football jerseys with autographs were framed on the walls along with photos with his favorite athletes.

At first glance, everyone would say that John MacTavish had it all, but when you're staring at his eyes while having a heart to heart talk, you would know that that isn't all true. He didn't have it all.

France saw his black journal by the bed. It was strange that he didn't bring it for his mission. Last time you asked him what's inside, he just chuckled and said "mission details", showing a sketch of Price labeled 'caterpillar moustache'.

France was then again tempted to open the page where he left off, showing a beautifully sketched face of her, occupying the whole page.

"Tough on the outside, soft in the inside. Just like me." was written on the corner of the page.

"I knew that you saw through me the moment we met…" She whispered as she closed the journal and yawned, crashing on his huge bed they both shared days ago when she needed someone to talk to. Covering herself with the thick covers, she inhaled the signature MacTavish scent which still lingered on his bed and it was actually effective enough to lull her to sleep. It's as if he was there beside her.

France woke up as soon as it came to her senses that Maxine would be looking for her. Throwing the covers away, she immediately rushed back to her room. Pulling the door open and sneaking her way back.

The silent clattering of the plates and casual conversations filled the kitchen. Jack was talking about some of his experiences while Samantha and Maxine were giggling. Much to her curiosity regarding the two unknown voices, both male and female, she slowly descended the staircase and peeked.

Aside from Jack, Samantha and Maxine, there was a man and a woman, possibly married, who sat together by the table. She actually felt nervous once her sight landed on the man. If he was younger, his resemblance with John would be almost accurate. And judging by that look, Francine leaned to the idea that this was John's father.

John's father had the physical qualities of a Scotsman but the appeal of a western businessman. His accent was almost not Scottish.

"Ahh. I miss my home so much. Do you mind if I let loose a little?" Mr. MacTavish asked and his wife, judging by the body language of holding on his hands, chuckled at his idea.

"Don't worry. It's your home. You should feel comfortable." Jack replied with a smile.

With a deep sigh, Mr. MacTavish actually let loose and exhaled a very deep ramble in s heavy Scottish accent. His wife replied with the same energy and everyone cackled. France was amazed at how easygoing his parents were and it told a lot about John's upbringing.

"Ooh! Looks like our other guest woke up!" Mrs. MacTavish mused upon making eye contact with France.

"So Maxine, this is your sister?" Mr. MacTavish.

"Yes, Mr. Jonathan. It's Francine." Maxine answered and France waved and smiled at the MacTavishes. Her whole body felt awkwardly nervous. She felt like this was the 'Meet the Parents' part, except they weren't really a thing… yet.

"Nice to finally meet you, Sir Jonathan and Ma'am…" France shook his hand and paused at Mrs. MacTavish.

"It's Julianne." She smiled and shook her hand. For a moment, Francine actually felt her heartwarming touch as she slowly eased the nervousness away.

"Don't be scared of us dear. We don't bite." She smiled and Francine smiled back. When John told her about how serene he felt around his mother, he wasn't joking. Her aura was powerful.

"Honey, looks like there are a lot more women in the force nowadays. Have you ever wondered if our boy John has liked any of them?" he asked playfully while France was trying her hardest not to choke on her orange juice. It looks like Max and Samantha were just giggling on their own.

"Well dear, why don't we leave it up to John to introduce us to her." She chuckled and held her husband's hand.

"Where is he anyway?" Jonathan looked back by the door.

"He's still on a mission." France answered and everyone else looked at her.

"What I mean is, they are still on their way home." She corrected, stuttering as she replied.

"Well, it's such a shame we had to leave now. Duty calls!" Jonathan stood up and everyone followed them to the front door, waving their goodbyes. France shyly followed behind them and joined the group as they sent their goodbyes to John's parents.

As soon as the car left their sights, everyone else eased and released the pressure they felt.

"Woooah. Soap has some nice parents. I thought they'll get mad at us for crashing in!" Maxine said, sitting beside France.

"Well, Soap just proved to us that not all businessmen are evil, despite what television suggests." Jack added and yawned. It was still early and he already planned on sleeping.

Samantha sat there and stared at her phone. France checked hers too and called her attention.

"I didn't get any texts from him. But I assure you, they'll be here soon."

"So, tell me how worried you were when I didn't text." John smugly asked France while he emerged from the showers, a clean white towel was the only thing wrapping his body.

France just sat by the bed, her whole body facing opposite John. Her brows still furrowed at the idea that he wasn't able to text her that they finished the mission without harm.

Their arrival earlier was not quite the arrival she expected. Her heart was supposed to flutter at the sight of John, but instead sadness filled the whole house. Alexandra Ryder was gone, and it would be too rude to reach for his embrace at the time of mourning.

"I wasn't worried one bit." She spat and crossed her arms. He could hear John laughing a little and she wanted to look at him, but his stubbornness needed to be fixed, that is if she could.

"Really? Then how come I heard from Samantha that you were up at three-" France quickly turned to her back in an attempt to stop his trail of thought, but she was surprised that John's face was already close to hers as he was crawling towards her while he talked.

France's world paused for a little as her eyes met his, gaze locked on his icy blue stare as her heart started to beat differently and her ears started to heat up, and lips slowly formed a smile.

Her eyes trailed down to his lips, where it also happened to curve differently. He was smiling and it never occurred to her that John had smiled like that before. Her lips involuntarily pouted as she felt John's face inch closer to hers, as she slowly closed her eyes and let the Scotsman take over her lips.

The first kiss was quick, their lips just met each other for a short while and they both backed up, eyes locked on to each other, both sparkling and wanting for more.

"Fine." France whispered and reached for his cheek.

"I can't stop worrying about you, dumbass." she added and John let out a soft chuckle, leaning in for another kiss, but this time it was more than they both wanted. This time it felt like they were released from all the things constraining them. France actually gave in to him for the second time, and she was glad that she did this, because John sure was a very good kisser.

Next Chapter : The Broken Ship

Notification Squad my Beloved

@beemybee @samatedeansbroccoli @enderio @smokeywhalee @whimsywispsblog @ricinbach

[thewritingcoroner]

It really sucks when I have to unfollow a mutual because of their takes, but the use of the word queer is one of those takes I just take personally. So many people are like: "hey maybe don't make it so that everyone who uses the term queer for themselves seems like they're the boogeyman because of your personal experiences."

And then they come around with "DONT call ME queer it's a SLUR"

Like first of all, we can argue all fucking day about the slur part. But here's the thing. Literally no one is arguing that they should be able to call literally everyone, even the people who don't like it, queer. Hate to say this, but the world does not revolve around you. No one cares how exactly you identify. They care that you're going around saying that this specific group of people are causing such a huge problem for the community because of their identity label. They care that you're taking something so fucking small and blowing it out of proportion and complaining about it on the internet like it has any real life basis and you're doing so in a way that reminds everyone a whole heck of a lot about the actual homophobic and transphobic rhetoric that was slung at us as a community throughout all of our lives.

Isn't the whole fucking point of being a member of the community is to feel safe no matter who you are or what label you use???

I used to have similar feelings about the word dyke, it was used against me a lot in high school after I came out. But you know what? That word has an important history and meaning to the lesbian community that while I may not like calling myself that I won't deny the rest of the community their word because of my personal experiences.

I also heard the word gay a lot like that too. Same with several other words im really not comfortable using even to make a point. Its not because the people who identify as those words are a problem. Its because the people who hate us want to take something that gives us power and turn it against us.

And finally, to end this rant. I want to ask anyone who really truly believes that queer is a word that shouldn't be used by anyone. Under who's authority? Who do you think wants to divide us? And finally, wanna say that to my face? Wanna walk into your local community gathering place and make that claim? Will you stick by it then when people look at you, laugh, and say "anyways.."? Because those of us who are in real life gathering with our local communities really couldn't care less. And on top of that, many of those people, those much older than us, use other outdated terms you wouldn't want to use for yourself too. Are you going to tell them to get out of the spaces they created?

[witchysleepingbeauty]

Hi, Reversed✖️ here. I really would like to hear your opinion on how to sort out this difficult and sad situation

I can't deal with it alone anymore, especially to analyze it objectively

So um my parent, in front of a guest, took out their anger on me ie screaming, totally losing it, cursing me out coz I took a half min to fetch smth (I was already doing smth else for them) aka huge, nasty reaction. This was def not coz of the delay in the errand btw

Started ranting real ugly, getting louder and angrier (in front of the guest yay me right?😄) Ik my parent (P) has underlying issues (pain in their body which they always refuse to get treated for at a hospital whenever I suggest so (and if I offer to massage or bring an Ice pack I get passive aggressive snide remarks for 'pretending to care and be helpful'))

Any way screw that. My point is Law-related. so in this ugly rant (in which ofc parent brings up shite about me, personal effing shite), they shouted how I have 'no goal' in life bla bla among other things

Per EIYPO, is this a reflection of their own limiting beliefs/issues (eg lately all they do is complain with venom abt how things never turn out okay and how 'everything's messed up' etc. So it definitely could be how they feel)... OR is the, somewhat humiliating rant, an indicator of my inner reality and deep buried assumptions?

Tbh l want to cry, especially coz ik they're being like this coz of bodily pain, and ik they're not feeling great being like this either

Sadly, I'm getting triggered. Up until last year, I used to be in a very dark place. I'm working on my self now, and for the most, I'm better equipped to deal with my personal issues (the Law helped me realise how assumptions, thoughts could help me see a point in living; aka it gave me hope). Now even limiting time with P isn't enough. I tell myself idc what they keep saying about me, but I can't stop them (I mean if I talk back, it gets worse yk? If I try to explain, I hear this classic one "Oh so YOU'RE perfect right? You're the only perfect person in the world"... Yeah, it gets old real fast)

It's lame, upsetting. I don't wanna fall in the deep end again. Btw I've always been the one who's listened to P when they want to vent or wanna discuss their interests (even if I'm not that interested, coz ik what it's like to not have anyone interested in ur likes lol). Point is, is their behavior (the screaming outbursts and insane cussing + sometimes I do shudder at their scaring-the-yk-what outta-me expressive hatred of my existence - which they themselves have acknowledged btw aka I've heard them tell others how I've made them negative and unhappy... 😐), So is their behavior reflective of their own assumptions about me OR is it MY deep-buried assumptions reflecting in them?

I don't get it. On many damn occasions they've told me I'm the one who's at fault for 'everything' and, you'll like this one, "how I deserve being treated like this"... I've even asked them what I've done to them, but my P has communication issues (which I've taken as smth to learn for myself so I'm happy I could be mature enough to realise what's healthy and unhealthy communication, work on this and be better), which means, unfortunately, it's tough to get a straight answer back other than defensiveness, accusing me of criticising them bla bla nvm that's the old story (and by old I mean literally old), so idk

Like... Eff it all huh? I try to focus on myself and different aspects of my life, minimize confiding stuff about me, learned to not rely on them too much but idk. It's starting to affect me a lot, you understand right?

As I type this, I realise I'm REALLY hurt by P's shouts and their tone of NOT love. I forgive them for their rants, but how can I feel it in my heart that they don't hate me?

Working on your self concept and learning to love yourself after years then being treated like this insanely messed up my mind. What's the point? I'm getting all those old feelings back. It was so hard to yk, stop living in the dark. Eff me ig. Anyway, EIYPO, mb I gotta persist more on setting boundaries? Allow myself my feelings then move on?

Thanks so much, love

Reversed✖️

Please, nothing abt moving out. I already have distanced myself, unconsciously I now realise, from them. I'd really appreciate it if I could understand how to feel better regarding this situation by changing my concepts, or assumptions or at least understand why I'm so affected

First of all I am so sorry you have to go through this every day, I know you’re a beautiful person and it’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Now let’s talk about the law. Everything you see in your reality is a reflection of your own inner world. You create everyone and everybody, nobody can have a belief that you haven’t created them to have.

Also I see a lot of limiting beliefs in you “my parent is in pain and they take it out on me”, “my parent has communication issues.”

I know it’s not the easiest thing to deal with but if you want to change the situation you need to stop attaching these labels to your parent and instead changing them to something positive.

I am not going to tell you it will be easy because we are talking about years of trauma and abuse, however I do want to encourage you to not allow them to treat you like that, physically speak up and also to really consider moving away from that person.

I hope this clarifies some things and I wish you the best. If there’s anything else I can help you with feel free to message!

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: Frank needs a long walk if you guys are free Ava: He's got the Sunday blues James: well in that case, purely for his sake, of course Ava: I've fully cute baby come onto you and it's worked Ava: 😈 IOU some 🐶 treats James: you've got really long eyelashes, irresistibly so Ava: ☺️ Ava: You're irresistible in so many ways Ava: I'll count them James: out loud? Ava: Quietly out loud, anyway Ava: don't need to interrupt my parent's breakfast James: they're actually there? I was beginning to wonder if they genuinely exist Ava: 😏 Ava: surely you saw them once before James: I don't remember them ever being in my line of sight or hearing Ava: How funny Ava: Guess Buster was pretty sneaky Ava: or should we say, good at time management, that's the polished version of that James: you're very good at time management yourself Ava: True Ava: I'll take that as a compliment and ignore the unwanted parallel James: it was intended purely as one, we wouldn't have lasted this long had you not been Ava: I can be the sneakiest bitch if needs be, I don't care James: tempting as it would be for me to immediately insist that we test that out, I don't think we have to James: she definitely will have received the divorce application by now & she still hasn't come back James: or called, or messaged James: it's looking less like any of us can label this a holiday Ava: Wow Ava: How are you feeling? James: I don't know, it won't sink in, whenever my phone goes I assume it'll be her Ava: Of course Ava: It's been your life for so long now, and it's been so Ava: well Ava: for it to just be seemingly over, so unceremoniously James: she could walk through the door any time with a suitcase & a tan though, I'm well aware of that Ava: Has she stayed away this long before? Ava: Without contact James: she typically loves to tell me every detail of what she's doing when she's at her parents' villa, so no Ava: That's a good sign Ava: even if she does come back Ava: you've still filed for divorce, she can't ignore it James: I just feel like James: if it was this 'easy', why didn't I do it before? Ava: because it wasn't before Ava: you didn't have the tools then and she had more control Ava: what's important is you've done it now James: because she's right about me Ava: No Ava: she isn't right about anything Ava: least of all you Ava: she didn't ever take time to know you, how could she be James: because it's all there in everything I've done & not done, I haven't behaved like a responsible adult or someone will any backbone whatsoever James: I've let them all down, her included James: what kind of person marries someone they don't love? Ava: Someone trying to do the right thing Ava: What about all the things you have done? Ava: and not the things you're talking about, all the good, the showing up and being there, for them all James: that's the least I could do, isn't it? Ava: No one else did it Ava: it was you, James James: I know that but Ava: but do you Ava: she's admitted as much, even if she was doing it to be cruel Ava: she picked you for a reason Ava: you're a good person, that's all you've ever tried to be James: I'm the kind of person that's susceptible to her bullshit, a damaged person, a weak one James: it was good for her but it doesn't mean that I am Ava: being weak and damaged doesn't negate you being a good person Ava: just like her abusing that in you doesn't mean she's exempt from being a shitty person just because she's fucked up herself Ava: who isn't Ava: you've been trying, that's the difference Ava: and now you've done it Ava: despite years of being ground down Ava: that's not weak James: why do you love me, Ava? James: what do you even see? Ava: I see Ava: so much Ava: how considerate you are and kind, without even realizing or having to think about it Ava: and you're sharp and funny Ava: you're interesting, I could talk to you all day, about anything Ava: and you are a good person, you just are, I could tell that immediately James: I don't have to think about being kind to you, I want to James: & to be someone that you want to talk to all day, who makes you laugh & smile & who you can say anything to Ava: You are, you just are Ava: you don't have to try, not just because you want those things, you can't help but be those things Ava: I can't help but love you, though I want to too James: I can't help but love you either James: so I don't think we should try & do anything else James: I think we should do this properly now Ava: I can be your girlfriend? James: I want you to, whether she comes back or not James: because I love you, whatever else happens James: I'm in love with you Ava: I love you too Ava: of course I want that too, of course Ava: whatever happens James: I'll talk to your parents with you if you think it'll help James: or I'll continue having never seen their faces, whatever you want Ava: I'll talk to them alone first Ava: but I don't wanna hide you, need to Ava: there's no objection they can have that'll make me want to James: I can't make you the same promise, as much as Teddy had no objection when I initially broached the subject of meeting someone else once I'd finished the application, he's likely to feel different when he finds out it's you James: but even if we did technically need to hide, I don't want to & I won't Ava: Understandable Ava: I'm under no illusion my family will be thrilled but they'll have to get used to it James: as long as we don't also immediately announce an engagement or pregnancy, my parents will be fairly understanding, I'm sure Ava: Pretty much same Ava: It isn't like I'm making myself step-mother Ava: I'll assure them of that James: but I have no idea what I'm supposed to assure Jay of, she genuinely believes Chloé is on holiday right now Ava: The truth Ava: even if it's complicated, or there's parts you're unsure of, it's still the best policy Ava: you can't assure her she won't come back, no Ava: but your truth is that you've ended things and you want to look after them and you will Ava: and right now, it looks like Chloé doesn't want to share but maybe one day that will be a thing Ava: you don't owe Chloé anything, covering the potential hurt that might cause, definite confusion because Jay is so young Ava: but you owe yourself and her the truth of it, and she'll appreciate that, know she can always trust you James: you're right, of course you are James: I'm still trying to protect her, aren't I? She's not even here & I can't stop myself from covering for her Ava: and the kids too, but that's the most understandable instinct Ava: but I think long-term, hell, even short Ava: you can't lie to them, they know Ava: it's worse having this thing you don't talk about, aren't told about James: I know James: I can't remember my mum having a conversation with me about a single thing, not even the weather, my dad talks & she nods Ava: You don't wanna be that Ava: and you aren't James: I think we should move, not literally on this Sunday morning, I've not lost my mind completely Ava: A new place, a fresh start Ava: makes sense to me James: I want Jay to know it's different this time, real & definite Ava: That's a good idea James: the other side of the river maybe Ava: A real move Ava: I think go for it Ava: Whilst they're still young, it's not a huge upheaval, there aren't friends to be left behind really or any of that James: I'll be further away from you though Ava: I can get the tube Ava: anyway, I'm going into my last year, so I'll be moving too after that James: oh right, I didn't even think of that Ava: Don't you wanna know where my first choice is? James: do I, or will I be devastated? Ava: Goldsmiths James: Ava Ava: I told you my top three were in London, I ain't lying, like Ava: Great 🧠s maybe James: so you know what I need to ask, what I am asking Ava: It's best you still do Ava: just incase James: when did you decide what your 1st choice was, because if it was now, it shouldn't be James: not because of me Ava: It wasn't Ava: It was my first choice before I came to see King's Ava: and that didn't change that James: okay, good Ava: I promise Ava: I wouldn't do that Ava: if my first choice was on the moon, I'd still go and I'd still try to make it work with you James: I believe you James: I just had to say it, because that's not the kind of boyfriend I want to be James: one who holds you back from things Ava: You aren't Ava: I might not get in Ava: and that's still over a year away Ava: we don't need to rush anymore, we can just be normal Ava: as normal as anyone is James: you'll get in, we both know that James: & I'll be really happy for you Ava: 😊 Ava: I do hope so Ava: and it can be okay that that's for potentially more reason than one, can't it Ava: not a crime James: yes, it can be more than okay Ava: Good James: [actually adds her on socials because he can] Ava: Oh, hey Ava: you're cute James: that profile picture is James: when did you change it? Ava: a while ago Ava: you gotta catch up Ava: 😘 James: tell me truthfully while I do, am I the reason the relationship status 'it's complicated' exists? 🤔 Ava: Well, that's embarrassing Ava: that's about my OTHER secret relationship 😬🙄 Ava: You fool 😏 James: 😂 James: what's he/she like? Ava: Pretty special Ava: might be serious James: oh really? Ava: Yeah Ava: so I'm gonna be pretty busy now, don't think I'll have time to see you James: far too busy too walk your dog assumedly, I suppose I can do it for you, if only to show there's no hard feelings Ava: I don't even like being fake mean to you Ava: 🥺 James: I really want to kiss you every time you 🥺 Ava: Come for a walk with me and maybe you can Ava: at least kiss me goodbye at the end James: when Jay's distracted kissing Frank goodbye Ava: 😂 exactly Ava: though the way he slobbers is distracting James: he's good with her though, that aside Ava: He's a good boy Ava: he can't help being a bad kisser Ava: you could teach him, if you like James: if theory, yes, but in practice I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to what that would actually involve James: tell him it's nothing personal, but I don't want to kiss anyone but you Ava: 🥰 Ava: that makes my heart happy so I will break the news to him gently James: thank you Ava: 💙 You're the best Ava: Can I change my relationship status then? James: like you said, I've got lots of catching up to do James: of course you can Ava: [does] James: [imagine all the comments like with WHOMST cos she can't put who with obvs since he can't cancel his so it's just in a relationship] Ava: [jump in that inbox everyone lmao, that's how you could start a Nancy convo like oh you ain't ready] James: [that's a good idea tbh]