#Nope on Blue is the Warmest Colour

[inwintersolitude]

- June 6th 2024 -

What were you doing before you logged on here? I was sitting outside on the back deck watching the birds at the bird feeders, then I came inside and made a cup of tea and got on the computer.

What was the last airline you flew on, and where were you going? The one my husband flies for - I don't want to disclose his employer online LOL. We were flying from Dublin to Washington DC.

Which of your breakups was the hardest for you to get over? I don't have any exes, I've never experienced a breakup.

What did you have for dinner last night? Sushi.

Do you write poetry? If so, what kind of poetry do you write? Nope, I'm terrible at any type of creative writing. I do sometimes like to read poetry, though. Actually, my usernames on both here and Bzoink/ProBoards were inspired by poems. One by Emily Dickinson, and a haiku by Matsuo Basho.

Have your parents traveled to any countries that you have not been to? Yeah, my parents are fairly well-traveled. Between the two of them, the places they've been to (that I haven't been to) are France, Austria, Germany, Italy, Switzerland (my Granny and Granddad lived there when my mom was in college so she lived there with them during her summers off), Greece, Turkey, Israel, and Japan. Maybe some other countries but I can't remember; those are the ones I know for sure.

Did you have acne when you were a teenager? No, I've never been acne-prone. I only get acne if I forget to use my moisturizer, but that doesn't happen often, I usually moisturize 2x a day because my skin is really dry.

What's your favorite type of gemstone? Hmmm, probably sapphires or moonstones.

Do you prefer sleeping in total darkness, or do you like to have a little bit of light? I like a bit of light. I have color-changing Hue bulbs in all the lamps in my bedroom, and I set one of them to 1% brightness on a very deep orange color.

Who was your favorite children's book author when you were a kid? Mary Pope Osborne (I loved the Magic Tree House series). Then when I was a little older, like 9/10ish, I got really into the Redwall series by Brian Jacques.

Would you rather take a class in fencing or archery? We did a unit on each of those in 9th grade gym class, and I remember liking archery a lot more.

Has a significant other ever given you the silent treatment during a fight? No, never.

What is something you took for granted when you were younger? My happy childhood. A loving family, a nice house in a nice town, a top-notch education, extracurricular activities. I didn't realize til my late teen years/early adulthood just how lucky I am to have grown up with all of that.

Have you ever seen the movie Blue is the Warmest Colour? Nope.

How many bathrooms does your house have? Three (two full bathrooms and one half bathroom).

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? I'm not sure.

What are your favorite condiments to put on a burger? I like either ketchup/mayo/lettuce, or ketchup/mustard/onions.

What color are your best friend's eyes? Blue.

Have you ever had a stalker? Nope, not that I know of at least.

Would you rather work in an office setting or work from home? Work from home.

[suckitsurveys]

What were you doing before you logged on here? Work shit.

What was the last airline you flew on, and where were you going? Southwest from NYC back to Chicago.

Which of your breakups was the hardest for you to get over? My first real one.

What did you have for dinner last night? Pizza.

Do you write poetry? If so, what kind of poetry do you write? Nope.

Have your parents traveled to any countries that you have not been to? I don’t think so.

Did you have acne when you were a teenager? Yeah and I still do.

What’s your favorite type of gemstone? I’m partial to my birthstone, sapphire. But I also like rubies and emeralds.

Do you prefer sleeping in total darkness, or do you like to have a little bit of light? I like a bit of light.

Who was your favorite children’s book author when you were a kid? Beverly Cleary. The Ramona Quimby books were my favorite.

Would you rather take a class in fencing or archery? Archery.

Has a significant other ever given you the silent treatment during a fight? Yeah.

What is something you took for granted when you were younger? Blah.

Have you ever seen the movie Blue is the Warmest Colour? Nope.

How many bathrooms does your house have? One.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? My dad’s car.

What are your favorite condiments to put on a burger? I love a mushroom swiss burger.

Have you ever had a stalker? Nope, not that I know of at least.

Would you rather work in an office setting or work from home? Work from home.

[live-laugh-slay]

Beau Is Afraid- And So Am I (Major Spoilers)

When the first trailer of Beau Is Afraid (Which I will be referring to simply as Beau) was released it’s safe to say everyone was confused. What was going on in Ari Aster’s third film? What’s it even about? 

It’s about Beau going on a wild odyssey to see his mother… But, this goes without being said, it ends up being about much more than that. 

Beau is Afraid is a film that my little psychology obsessed brain is absolutely in love with. It’s a fascinating experience that one doesn’t just watch, they absorb. The last time I completely delved into a movie the way I did watching this was Blue is The Warmest Colour-or-La Vie D’Adele (See my essay on that one). 

In the first minutes of Beau, you find yourself thrown into a stressful reality. You are set up for a three-hour-long epic. The near-apocalyptic city Beau lives in will make you wonder, is this real or just in his head? Maybe neither. Maybe it just simply is. Beau throws us into Beau’s reality with a simple scene of a group of people trying to convince a man to jump off a building. A dead body in the street. A tattooed MW employee chasing Beau through the streets. 

Beau’s mother Mona is who Beau goes to (other than his therapist) when he wishes for closure. But, she usually does not supply that. In fact, it’s the opposite. Beau’s therapist uses the example of drinking out of well that made you sick, would Beau go back to it? Mona continues to beat Beau down, but he still goes back to her. Why? Why do we as humans do this? 

Speaking of the well, that is our first impression of water being a key factor to Beau. Throughout the entire film, we are surrounded by water. Beau’s nightmare of being in the overflowing bath. Beau’s trip with Mona. Beau sitting on top of a faucet after Mona’s funeral (did you catch that?), but what beats this metaphor’s nail into the coffin is Beau’s drowning at the end of the movie. Water represents Mona. Beau is drowning in Mona’s overbearing control over him. She even is the one who kills him in the end. So, the well being used as a hypothetical device by the therapist makes even more sense thinking of this.

Mona owns everything. She probably owns the Erectus Ejectus too. Everything that Beau goes through is planned thoroughly. The medicine he takes is manufactured by Mona’s company MW. Along with the food he eats; The microwave he owns; the apartment he lives in… The people around him are all employees of Mona’s…

When Beau meets Elaine on the cruise, they bond over a dead man in the pool. Beau has his first kiss with Elaine. At dinner on the ship, Mona asks Beau: “Is that the kind of girl you’re attracted to?”

Mona and Beau lay in bed like a long time married couple would. It’s strange. Mona seems to use Beau as a beacon for love. She didn’t feel love for her husband… I think? I don’t know. We’ll get to the big dick monster. While on the cruise ship, Elaine asks Beau if he’s a virgin. He tells her he has to be. Mona told him that his father died after ejaculating. His dad's dad died the same. And so did his dad's dad's dad. He thought he’d be different, but clearly, nope. Elaine’s mother finds out about Elaine’s love affair with Beau and takes her off the ship. Elaine runs into the room and tells Beau to wait for her. Mona is terrified that Beau had sex with Elaine. She is screaming: “What did you do?!”

When Elaine arrives at the funeral, she’s older, but Beau knows it is her. Elaine realizes that he is Beau and kisses him. He makes it known that he did indeed wait for her. She also ambiguously makes it known she DID NOT wait for him at all. Elaine asks Beau what his life is like. In the script he replies: “Yeah, no, I’m nothing! I’m just here!” Beau is nothing without Mona. He is dehydrated without the simulation she has created for him. 

Beau and Elaine go upstairs to Mona’s room to have sex. And don’t worry, the Mariah Carey album ALWAYS stays on during sex. The funniest part of this scene is when we see Beau’s ginormous prolapsed balls. Also when Elaine restarts the song, expecting Beau to last through it, he finishes with the first stroke. Beau is TERRIFIED of coming. He is almost crying from fright. When he does, Elaine just says (and I’m paraphrasing here) Oh God… I felt that… You broke through that bag. *Insert frightened emoji* Elaine dies. How? I don’t know. But she dies. Who was this? Was it really Elaine? The script gives off the vibe the vibe of no, it’s not Elaine. But the script has evolved SO much from the finished film, like SO much. 

This is the part of the film where Mona’s lie is unraveled. She reveals herself and explains everything to Beau. And now… Now we can talk about the cock monster.

Beau asks Mona how his father really died. Mona brings him to the attic, something he’s been dreaming of the entire film. This is when we realize that premonition wasn’t a nightmare, “it’s a memory!” as Mona yells at Beau. In the attic, Beau sees a version of himself. He is chained down and has a long beard. We hear the growling of the cock monster. "My boy!" The cock monster represents how Mona saw her husband as a big dick and nothing more. Just a vessel to supply her a child... The greatest gift of all. So, she put him in the attic. The version of Beau in the attic is another version of the cock monster. It is also Beau’s father. 

The one thing left to talk about is Grace and Roger. Grace and Roger are employees of MW used in the test. Their daughter Toni is used for an amazing psychological device. Grace, Roger, and Toni are heavily medicated. Toni eats pills like candy. Grace and Roger welcome Beau into their family happily, while Toni is indifferent. Grace, feeling guilt for testing Beau, informs him of a TV channel which documents him. The TV viewing Beau ties back to the feeling of surveillance in Beau’s life. At this point, Toni brings Beau into her deceased brother’s room. She paints Beau’s name in pink paint (color representing femininity) and throws it at him to drink. He refuses to drink the paint. Toni calls him a “pussy f****t” and chugs the baby blue pink (representing masculinity). Toni dies and Grace turns on Beau. This grows further Beau’s guilt. Beau’s guilt grows more and more just like his ginormous balls.

One does not solve Beau is Afraid. The film is subjective to everyone who views it. It hits hard for some and barely scratches the surface for others. In fact, my review also barely scratched the surface of this masterpiece. Beau is Afraid is one of the best movies of 2023. There may never be another film like it. At least not for a long time. There is so much more I could talk about (including that play scene) but I think the motifs I covered are enough.

[thexfridax]

© Claire Mathon

Translated interview with Director Sciamma

‘We started a culture war‘

Andreas Busche and Nadine Lange, in: Der Tagesspiegel, 29th of October 2019

Additions or clarifications for translating purposes are denoted as [T: …]

Manifest on the female gaze: Céline Sciamma speaks about her period film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’, MeToo in France and queer visibility.

In France, Céline Sciamma, born in 1978, is already revered as the new feminist and notably queer voice of French cinema, in the tradition of Claire Denis and Catherine Breillat. The director (‘Tomboy’, ‘Girlhood’), who writes her own screenplays, is largely unknown in [T: Germany]. This is most likely about to change with her fourth and most beautiful feature film so far. At the Cannes Film Festival, the period love story between the young painter Marianne and her model Héloïse, daughter of French aristocrats, won the Best Screenplay. Between the rugged landscape of the coast of Brittany and the candlelit interiors of an old villa, the film creates a utopia of solidarity and female desire, in which the characters of Marianne, Héloïse and Sophie the maid overcome class barriers.

Interviewers: Ms Sciamma, ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ is your first period film, it takes place a few years before the French Revolution. Why is this era important for your story?

Céline Sciamma: My interest in those years came from art history. At the time, there was an unusual number of female painters, hundreds in France and across Europe. It really moved me to discover the biographies of these women, who had successful careers. They supported each other and were very political. There was for example feminist art criticism at the time.

I: Noémie Merlant plays the painter Marianne, who is commissioned to do a portrait of Héloïse, a daughter of aristocrats. There are two main themes: the representation of female painters in bourgeois society and the female gaze – and how this [T: gaze] is reflected in the art world at the time. How are these themes connected?

CS: When I went into more detail about the work of female painters in the late 18th century, I realised how much the female perspective is missing from art history. For me this is the most painful loss, which results from the elimination of the female gaze: this relates to the artwork themselves, but also to what art brings to our lives, the memory of a kind of intimacy.

I: Marianne is not based on a specific female painter. But is she representative of women at the time?

CS: I collaborated with an art sociologist, who did extensive research on this era. All biographical details for Marianne correspond to the time in which she lived. The dynamics of a biopic – a successful woman who defies societal norms – never really interested me. My film is a manifest on the female gaze. But there’s also melancholy in this process, because we have to restore something that has been ignored for a long time.

I: Why melancholy?

CS: It makes me sad, because this perspective was withheld from me all my life. That is why the scene, where Marianne, Héloïse and Sophie the maid re-enact an abortion, is so important for the film. By painting an abortion, the act becomes art and is therefore represented. Art gives women the opportunity to tell their own stories. But it’s not only about the past. The topic of abortion is still virtually invisible in cinema.

I: How do you deal with this lack of female perspectives as a screenwriter and director?

CS: I was aware about the lack of queer and lesbian representation in cinema early on. But it becomes dangerous, when we don’t realise anymore that something is withheld from us. I noticed this again, when I watched ‘Wonder Woman’ by Patty Jenkins. It is hard to express how you feel when you know you’re not represented, and at the same time are oblivious to the power it can give you to recognise yourself in cinema. That was a new experience for me.

I: You were one of the initiators of the 50/50 by 2020 movement, which is committed to gender parity at festivals and in film. What do you expect from Cannes next year?

CS: I’m glad that this topic is finally taken seriously. We set out our target for Cannes and want more transparency in the selection committee. However, to achieve these, you have to introduce quota. The board will be replaced [T: next] year, let’s see how it works. We started a culture war. One of the most important things for me is the work on inclusion. The 50/50 [T: movement] and the film production/promotion agency CNC created a fund for cultural diversity in [T: film] productions last year. There’s usually less budget for films made by female directors, this inequality will be slightly mitigated. More than 20 films have already benefitted from this fund.

I: There is progress on one hand, but on the other hand some things are deteriorating again. Do you see it in a similar way?

CS: We had no MeToo-debate in France, unlike the one in the US. The [T: debate] was quickly hijacked and reinterpreted as discussion about free speech: that feminist film criticism would lead to a new form of censorship. You could feel the backlash in France. A good example: Sandra Muller, who created the French MeToo movement ‘Balance ton Porc’ [T: ‘Denounce your pig’, see here for the evolution of the term ‘pig’ in this context] just lost a libel lawsuit. Action was filed by the man, whose harassing statements she made public. The level of societal discourse is not where it’s supposed to be.

I: You lead by example: There are mainly women working on your sets.

CS: It creates a different atmosphere, that is for sure. But I’ll tell you something: Women only make up 50% of the crew, my crew is probably one of the most diverse in France. Claire Mathon is my cinematographer, but a lot of men work with her. My cutter is a man though. It’s about the right balance. The film world is very much dominated by men, but I don’t want to exclude anyone.

I: In Cannes, you said something similar about your colleague Abdellatif Kechiche, who was criticised for his voyeuristic gaze on women, for example in the Palm d’Or winner ‘Blue is the Warmest Colour’. Do you want a cinema, in which your and his gaze can exist side by side?

CS: We have to be conscious about our perspective. In France, I’m always asked about my female gaze, but no one is ever asking a [T: male] filmmaker about his male gaze. Which is still considered as gender neutral. Of course, you can love ‘Blue is the Warmest Colour’ as much as you love ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ [T: 😈], otherwise cinema will become a battlefield of ideologies. We just have to learn to read the images correctly. I would like to invite Abdellatif Kechiche to this relatively new discourse. But he should be asked the same questions as me.

I: You call ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ a manifest on the female gaze. What does that mean?

CS: It starts with the screenplay. I wanted to tell a love story on equal terms. There is no gender-specific power imbalance in the film. That was important for me, especially in a time, in which gender inequality was the social norm. There is also no intellectual dominance between Marianne and Héloïse, they both come from the upper class, are sophisticated and self-determined. Between them, they did not have to negotiate a status.

I: What role did your actresses play in this?

CS: I wrote the film for Adèle Haenel. But it only works if she has a partner who is equal to her. Noémie Merlant is about the same age as Adèle, they are even the same height, which cannot be underestimated in cinema. That’s why shorter actors often have to stand on a pedestal. All these considerations are political, but they are also an offer to the audience: for new emotions, for surprises. Equality creates freedom, because social rules are overturned.

I: As Marianne, Héloïse and Sophie keep to themselves, they are not exposed to the male gaze. They can move freely.

CS: That’s why I don’t think of my film as social utopia. Every utopia is based on our experiences and ideas. You cannot easily find this kind of solidarity among women, you have to create this freedom. That’s why I decided to exclude male characters. What I exclude from the shot also defines what is shown in the picture. That’s the power of cinema.

I: Your film is about the visibility of women. They tell each other, how they see one another – and thus create an image of themselves. At the same time, desire arises from their gazes. How do you create this feeling of intimacy?

CS: We offer a philosophy and politics of love. Even the depiction of queer sexuality in cinema is based on heterosexual paradigms. We first had to learn how to deconstruct this gaze on us. Similarly, it’s also about abolishing the outdated ideal of the muse. There is of course a hierarchy on set, but we tried to transfer the working relationships in the film to our shooting.

I: All your films have queer aspects. Do you ever had any problems to fund your films?

CS: No, but that’s because I don’t need so much money. ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ did cost 4 Million Euros. If I had asked for 12 Million Euros, it might have been different. I can’t complain. I live in a country, in which I can make these kinds of films and be radical. 23 percent of French films are made by female directors.

I: It seems like there were more [T: female directors] recently?

CS: No, the figure has been constant for 20 years. We are just forgotten and then ‘rediscovered’. Think about Alice Guy-Blanché, who made films at the time of Méliès [T: around the turn of last century]. She did everything by herself, used the first closeup. She literally co-invented the cinema. But like all the women, who were active at the beginning of film history, they were driven out, when it was suddenly about money.

Still from ‘Be natural: The Untold Story of Alice Guy-Blaché’ (Pamela B. Green, 2018)

[thisbrokenmask]

Matching Pair

pairing: female reader x Kim Namjoon

genre: fluff, very light angst

word count: 2,266

warnings: brief mentions of struggling to conceive, hella fluff

summary: you return from a day of shopping with a surprise for your husband.

a/n: so, this fic is unbeta’d and was written on my phone, but I was too excited to write it after getting some very wonderful news today - I found out I’m going to become an auntie for the very first time next summer! I’m beyond excited, and it ended up giving me inspiration for how to finally use the ‘Fuzzy Boots’ prompt on my @btsholidaybingo​ card!

“Joonie?” you call out for your husband as you close the front door of your home, already feeling the heat of the house warming you from the growing winter chill outside. Gently putting the shopping bags containing your few new purchases down to the side, you take off your shoes and your coat and put them in the closet by the front door. You don’t hear an answering call from Namjoon, but you do find his house keys still in the little cubby in the closet when you hang yours back up, so you know he’s home.  

Heart fluttering and excitement rolling in your tummy, you grab the handles of your shopping bags and head upstairs, your bare feet sinking into the carpet of the stairs with quiet relief. Even though you decided against heels today, the several hours you spent searching for the perfect items has still left them aching and you once again pat yourself on the back for choosing a thick pile when you decorated the house.

You bite your bottom lip to try and hold back your grin as you head to your bedroom to deposit all but one of your shopping bags, although you can’t help the slight skip in your walk as you once again go over what’s about to happen. Leaving your discarded purchases at the foot of the bed to sort out later, you clutch the most important one tightly as you seek out your spouse. 

Surprisingly, he’s not in his home studio, the small soundproof room normally your first port of call on the rare days Namjoon doesn’t head into the BigHit buildings to work. No, instead you find him in the little snug-come-library at the end of the hall, a slight dip in his brow from how concentrated he is on the words in front of him.

The library was a room you both insisted on having when you found this house, as you both needed somewhere to store your vast collections of books you had amassed over your lives. The custom floor-to-ceiling shelving had been fitted perfectly for the room, with a few open spaces left for artwork to break up the visual of hundreds of book spines. 

While your respective hoards of literature had combined, there were still traces of your individual hobbies nestled among them. Several small houseplants contributed pockets of green and, as Namjoon pointed out, a sort of poetic contradiction to the many books you owned; the living among the dead, as it were. He tended to them daily, whereas your offerings required much less attention. 

In your many years of travelling before and after meeting Namjoon, you’d developed the habit of collecting one small trinket from each country or city you visited. Whether they represented particular landmarks, native animals or cultural figures, you always brought home something to remember each place by, and now many of those trinkets filled the spaces left behind by oddly-shaped books or accompanied a bonsai as it grew between the shelves. 

In the centre of the room, on top of the plush mauve rug you’d fallen in love with at first sight, sat two armchairs. They didn’t match each other, but matched you and your husband instead. You’d gotten the idea from UP!, knowing when you’d first seen Carl and Ellie’s individual chairs that you wanted to do that with your future partner. And the library became the perfect place for these perfectly mismatched chairs, another way to show how the two of you had come together in this room that housed so many of your joint passions. 

Your chair, currently empty, was the plushest wingback chair you’d ever seen; a beautiful, royal blue velvet chair that made you feel like you were in a house that could be found in a Jane Austen novel. Your husband’s chair, in which he was now sat, was burnt orange in colour, square and simple in shape, with arms curled over to remove any harsh lines. You’d hated it, initially, but the more you’d seen it on the shop floor and then saw your husband lean back into its cushions, the more you decided that it suited him, and that was what mattered. Despite its simplicity, it was a bit too big for you to sit in comfortably, although you would often climb into it and burrow under several blankets when he was away.  

You’d now grown accustomed to the barrage of colours and styles in your little library, a fondness for the apparent chaos that still shocked newcomers, making you giggle every time. 

As you so often find yourself doing, you take a second to admire Namjoon in his studious reading pose: one leg resting across the knee of the other, his right elbow propped up on the armchair and his hand cradling his chin, index finger extended across his lips in contemplation. His left hand cradles his book seemingly effortlessly, his simple gold wedding band glinting in the warm orange of the afternoon winter sun that pours in through the window across the room. It’s still the only golden piece of jewellery he wears, and it still makes your heart bloom every time you catch sight of it. 

In the split second you’ve taken in his appearance, he’s become aware of your presence. Only his eyes move at first, flicking up from the page to the door to see who’s walked in. When he sees you standing in the doorway, however, he immediately slips his bookmark into place and puts the volume down on the little table between the chairs. The ease and immediacy with which he gives you his whole attention never fails to make you feel a little giddy. 

“Hey,” Namjoon’s expression melts into his warmest smile, all traces of his previous concentration vanished at the sight of his wife. His eyes briefly drop to the bag in your hand before returning to you. “Have fun shopping?”

You nod as he extends his hand towards you, slipping your palm into his and letting him gently pull you close. He sits you in his lap, one arm curled around the back of your waist and the other gently resting across your thighs, his hand melding to match the curve of your flesh. The warmth of his palm is noticeable even through your jeans, rippling throughout your body like a breeze kissing the surface of a lake. 

“Is that for me?” he nods towards the bag by his feet, pressing a gentle, lingering kiss to your temple. 

“Nope,” you smile, then pause. “Well, I guess it kinda is. Wanna see?”

If Namjoon is confused, he doesn’t show it. He loves the way you think, loves how you can see something completely different from him when you both look at the same art pieces on your gallery trips, loves how you can find even the loosest connections between two ideas in a way he’d never thought of. He doesn’t always understand you at first, but he loves that about you, so he waits patiently for you to explain. 

You lift the bag into your lap, the hand across your thighs moving to secure it in place while you open it. You turn it away from him as you pull out the contents, but he’s not even trying to peep inside; his eyes are focused on you, on the little ways your expression changes when you get thoughtful, or excited, or anxious, and right now you’re a bit of all three. 

“Ta-dah!” you singsong proudly, presenting him with a pair of fuzzy, light brown slipper boots. You try not to giggle as his expression falters slightly, although he quickly covers up his obvious confusion with bemused intrigue, gaze jumping between you and the boots as he tries to figure out what the hell is going on. 

“These… are for me?” he can tell just by looking at them that the boots are way too small for him, they’re definitely your size, and he’s struggling to figure out how they could be ‘kinda’ for him. 

“No, these ones are mine, silly!” you laugh, gently bopping the tip of his nose with your finger. The relieved sigh that falls past his lips only keeps your laughter rolling and he loves the sound, cheeks dumpling as he grins up at you. 

“Of course,” he agrees easily, smirking down at the boots as you gently run your fingers through the fluffy material, then cocks his eyebrow. “So how am I involved in this?” he pauses, then tilts his head to one side. “You’re not going to wear them to bed, are you? I know I said your feet are cold but I actually don’t mind it so much anymore-”

“These ones are mine,” you say, cutting him off, holding up your boots for emphasis before twisting in his lap to put them on the floor. His hand on your waist reflexively holds you tighter to keep you from toppling. 

When you then look at him with a smile he can only describe as mischievous, he knows he’s fucked: he’s a sucker for your playfulness, willingly walking into even your silliest pranks just to see your face light up and hear the melody of your laughter when you celebrate your victory.

His mind whirs through every option he can think of that could somehow relate those fluffy little boots to himself. Maybe you’ve bought him new slippers too, but like your mismatched chairs they’ll be different styles, perfectly suiting each of you in a way that makes them work together. Maybe you’ve actually bought him matching ones and he can’t decide what will be worse: having to wear them to please you or refuse to wear them to please himself. He feels the smallest flicker of heat in his cheeks when he considers fluffy handcuffs, but he dismisses that though when he remembers how your gaze darkens whenever you get out the pairs you already own rather than brightens, like it has done right now. 

He’s at a loss, but you don’t make him wait much longer before you grant him an explanation. 

“They didn’t have matching daddy boots, unfortunately, but-” he doesn’t have time to register the term when you pull out the remaining items in the bag with a flourish. “They did have these matching baby boots, and I just couldn’t resist!”

He stares down at the little pair of fuzzy boots, the same light brown colour as yours. They’re barely bigger than your palm as they sit side by side and he doesn’t know how something so small can knock all of the air from his body. 

He can’t speak, can’t swallow, almost can’t breathe. He can only stare. 

You watch as Namjoon’s features drop and give him a few moments to process the sight in front of him. You’re sure your lip is about to bleed with how hard you’re biting into it, desperate to cry and cheer and celebrate with him but wanting to give him his processing time. 

When he doesn’t say anything after a longer time than you were expecting, you begin to worry he’s upset rather than shocked. When he finally speaks, though, his tone is so level you genuinely think he’s angry. 

“Y/n,” he says, gaze lifting to meet your eyes and locking onto them. You feel his body grow tense beneath you, the grip on your waist tightening and releasing as he battles with the emotions building in his chest. “Who are these for?” His throat bobs with a dry swallow and you feel your stomach drop a little bit, suddenly realising how this may have come across to him. 

You and Namjoon got married nearly two years ago now, and you’ve been trying for a baby for just over a year. During that time, Namjoon has found more than one or two bags of baby clothes tucked away in your side of the closet, onesies and booties in varying designs and colours despite the fact that none of your attempts had been successful. His heart had broken for you every time, knowing how desperate you were to become a mother, but, despite his own deep-seated desire to be a father, he’d insisted you return the items each time and forbade you from bringing home anymore baby items that weren’t gifts for expecting friends or relatives. It was painful for him, too, to keep seeing the negative pregnancy tests in the bathroom trash, but he knew that it would only hurt more if you kept the clothes with no baby to fill them. 

It had been months since you’d last even looked at the baby aisles in any stores, but today was the day things changed. 

“They’re for us,” you told him gently, the words barely above a whisper yet filling the space between you. You see the tears begin to well in his eyes at the same time his grip on you tightens one last time. He stares up at you, eyes wide and watery and full of hope, and you let the widest grin loose on your lips. 

Leaning forward to touch your forehead to his, both yours and Namjoon’s eyes fall closed. Shuddering breaths push at the air between you, your hand pressing to his chest to feel the way his heartbeat gallops under your palm. Your own tears start to glide over the apples of your cheeks as you finally let the weight of your news overwhelm you, knowing that you’re both finally going to see your dreams come to life. 

“They’re for our baby.”

If you would like to read any of my other works, please follow me and head on over to my masterlist ♡

[hraishin]

50 Questions!!

I was tagged by @turtletotem (thank you!!!!)

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

I don't have one, but I used to and it was blue!

2. Name a food you never eat:

I'll get shit for it as I always do but I don't eat pasta. I literally can't swallow it and if I try I gag and spend the next few minutes trying not to puke.

3. Are you typically to warm or too cold?

Too cold for some reason???? sometimes it's hot and I don't have the fan on and I feel fine, even if my room is the warmest in the house sjakjsj

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Reading The Da Vinci Code!

5. What’s your favourite candy bar? 

Snickers!

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?

No :( Both times I almost did it something happened that stopped me.

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

I just said "Alright" to my father as I answer this sksjshsj

8. What is your favourite ice cream?

TAPIOCA dude it's so good....

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Chocolate milk!

10. Do you like your wallet?

I do, it's that metallic rose pink color (with "girl power" written on the front) and I bought it with my own money in 2017.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

A ham and cheese sandwich and chocolate milk for dinner

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

Haven't bought new clothes in months....

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched?

2018's World Football Cup. Crying about Brazil because I don't care about football until the World Cup comes around.

14. What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

Chocolate, but more specifically the one my grandma makes at home (thankfully she taught me how to make it so now I do it myself). Other than that I like plain ol' popcorn without flavor.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

My friend Ash telling them about my theory about the Original Sin™ because The Da Vinci Code only makes me think about it.

16. Ever go camping?

I used to go to church camp... It was wild, I always got sick.

17. Do you take vitamins?

Nope!

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

Literally my worse nightmare in the past few years thanks to the fact that my parents force me to go.

19. Do you have a tan?

I still have one from the last time I was at the beach but it's fading and I'm going back to "pale vampire" mode.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Chinese food. I don't eat pasta EXCEPT for the noodles on the Yakisoba because it's really good and I love it.

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw?

Only on the beach because they give me them but I honestly prefer taking straight from the can or the bottle if it's a small one.

22. What colour socks do you usually wear?

I don't usually wear socks but who buys them for me is my dad and he buys me kids socks so VERY NEON BLUE AND PINK ONES

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? 

I can't drive yet, driver's license is too expensive rn.......

24. What terrifies you?

Insects. I hate insects. Also aliens. And spirits and these kinds of stuff, which I had my share of but that's another story...

25. Look to your left. What do you see?

My brother's toys and my college bag.

26. What chore do you hate most?

Cleaning the bathroom and the fridge. The pain of my existence.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

The meme that Australia isn't real.

28. What’s your favourite soda?

Either Fanta or Guaraná Antártica (from Brazil). Love those two.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru?

Inside. I don't like drive-thrus.

30. What’s your favourite number?

7

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?

My father

32. Favourite cut of beef?

Is loin one? I think it is. Loin. I think.

33. Last song you listened to?

Faith by The Weeknd

34. Last book you read?

The Da Vinci Code

35. Favourite day of the week?

Saturday!

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

No. I don't have the braincells for that.

37. How do you like your coffee?

Very strong and full of sugar. And that's Why I can't have coffee. It's a bomb for my anxiety.

38. Favourite pair of shoes?

My maroon all stars.

39. Time you normally get up?

...1pm. Even before quarantine because I study at nighttime.

40. Sunrises or sunsets?

Sunrises.

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

One only.

42. Describe your kitchen plates.

Those brown glass ones that don't break even if you try. I think they're older than me.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment.

It's... clean?

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink?

Wine AND Soda with Vodka. I miss getting drunk on soda with vodka...

45. Do you play cards?

Very badly but I do enjoy Poker and Solitaire.

46. What colour is your car?

My parents car (I'm 20 and poor, come-on) is brown.

47. Do you know how to change a tire?

HA, good one.

48. Your favourite state?

Solid. Just kidding, liquid. (But in all seriousness, Pernambuco, my state).

49. Favourite job you’ve had?

I worked for less than a year in an archeology company and got to go to diggings and catalog stuff. I loved that part there even with the psychological abuse I went through with my boss. Still a passion of mine.

50. How did you get your biggest scar?

I was 6, I was watching dragon tales, I saw the dragons flying and I went "hey, I want to fly too!" and jumped from the couch. Fell on my knees on a broken tile and cut my knee open and bled through the house. ✌️😗

tagging: @secretlymagneto @kindaresilient @lyricfulloflight @l-p-r-o-c-k @akasanata

[my-words-are-light]

Ngawooin: Chapter 3 — Stillness

I commissioned this image from NOPEYS

Click here to go to Chapter 2

Destiny dropped Neil off somewhere close to his home and allowed him to find his way back without her drawing attention to him. Now she could get back to her place, have a nice sit down to relax from Judgement whopping her, and then go to bed.

But first, she had to turn off this hero mode. One question: how?

She looked at her bow. Maybe she could get rid of it the same way she got it but in reverse? Maybe she could unsummon her weapon like she wanted to do with her armour or something? Nothing would do, just something that she could avoid using so she’d have a free hand. Nothing, nothing she could use to protect herself and fight, she couldn’t just go home looking like an extremely intricate cosplayer…

… Nope, her bow was still in her hand. You’ve got to be kidding.

Destiny fell to the ground on her back. She just wanted the day to be over. She was sore, tired, creeped out, shocked, surprised, irritable, hungry… the list could go on forever if she had the patience but she didn’t; she’d had enough of Judgement, had enough of Goetius, had enough of Riley for causing all this, had enough of her new power for falling into her and not someone else, had enough of this day as a whole and all she wanted was for it to just stop.

She closed her eyes.

She opened them soon after she felt another change to her body, to a… familiar state?

Her vision wasn’t tinted blue anymore. Her arms were bare again. So were her legs. She was back in her school uniform and the bow was nowhere to be found. Her hands went to her hair and, oh thank everything; it was short and blonde again.

She was back to normal. No more fighting monsters, no more… anything. All that remained was home. And the pain, too; Judgement’s hit still lingered in her stomach.

She got up, which took a bit more time than she expected. She winced and gasped as she felt the pain from her fight linger in her abdomen. Her pain tolerance must’ve been huge when she was transformed but now, back as her old self, it was really starting to smart.

As she walked home, holding her stomach, the night was oddly hushed. People were usually more active and loud, even at this time of night. Plenty of people would stay inside but at least the streets weren’t deserted. Maybe they were still worried about Judgement?

Meh, not her problem anymore. She approached her home, which was a simple weatherboard house only a single story tall with a roof of rusty corrugated iron and the walls covered in flaking, burnt amber paint. Like every house in Stillgate Street, really, except they all had their own unique paint jobs with different shades of yellow, orange, brown, or white.

There was one aspect aside from colour in which the Pride household was different from the others; Sergeant Judy Coles’ car was parked on the nature strip right outside. It should be noted that such was not usually the case, however, and that only happened when Coles was visiting for one reason for another, which didn’t help Destiny’s fatigue. As if tonight couldn’t be any more of a hassle.

Destiny took a breath and entered her house. In the entryway, she took off her school shoes and placed them on the shoe rack, which was just a wooden rectangle that her dad nailed two small wooden squares to and placed on the ground. Crude but it did its job.

“Who’s that?” called her dad, Saul Pride, from the dining room on the entryway’s left.

She sighed. She didn’t want to make a fuss but what could she do? “‘ey Dad, it’s me.”

A chair squeaked from scooting along the floor and her dad’s footsteps quickly carried him to the entryway. As soon as he saw her, his frantic eyes and the tense expression on his red face softened into tremendous relief. Saul was a heavyset man who chose to be a stay-at-home dad; he was rarely dressed for anything serious, preferring to wear a loose pair of navy blue pants and an unbuttoned red plaid shirt over a white singlet.

“Oh, Dezzie...!” he said with a cracking voice as he pulled her into a great big hug, making her wince. “Jude told me how some great big monster found you! I’m so happy you’re okay...”

Speak of the devil, Judy Coles had just stepped into the entryway. Compared to when she came across Destiny and Judgement, she was a lot less panicked and confused, although she still looked tired and irritated. She looked more at home with her typical frown and her arms in the pockets of her police jacket. She wasn’t the warmest police officer but that was something Ngawooin got used to.

Destiny grunted from the hug. She was a bit too sore for this sort of affection right now. “Sorry, Dad...” She returned the hug as lightly as she could manage. “I was just hiding.”

“Good, good on ya. It’s important you’re safe.” Dad pulled away and placed his hands tight on her shoulders. He looked her up and down, inspecting her with worry. “What happened? You’re acting like you’ve been kicked around a fair bit. Did anyone hurt you?”

Destiny rubbed her stomach. “I’m a bit raw but nothing too bad. The monster never got me. Coles came in the nick of time and I ran to the park and hid there.”

“I looked for you there,” said Coles. “I searched every bush, nook, and cranny and you were nowhere to be found. Exactly where were you?”

Destiny gulped. “Well, I, uh, left at some point. Didn’t know if the big guy was going to find me there and I wanted to get away.”

Coles crossed her arms. “But why didn’t you head straight home?”

“Oi,” said Dad, raising a finger at the police officer while keeping his other hand firmly on Destiny’s shoulder. “Not now. Back off.”

Coles’ face flashed with irritation for a moment, but she then calmly raised her hands in assurance. “Sorry. Long night.”

“I can relate,” sighed Destiny.

Coles smirked. “Fair. You sure you’re alright, though? You do look really sore.”

“Yeah, nothing serious. Just need a bath to deal with some aches.”

“Well alright then. You dropped your shopping, by the way, so I brought it back. Late night dinner, I suppose.”

“You’re a lifesaver, Jude,” said Dad. “Wanna stay around for dinner? I reckon we’ll have enough for you too.”

“That sounds great but I have to say no.” Coles walked to the door. “Need to ask around, see who else saw that monster and pick up statements.”

“Sure it can’t wait? You’re going to need a lot of energy for tonight after everything.”

“Actually, no. It can’t wait. I need to do it now while everyone’s still awake and they can’t pass it off as a dream or something.” She grabbed the handle. “Oh, Des?”

“Yeah?” said Destiny.

Coles fixed Destiny with a serious stare. “I saw you with the big guy and I saw you run off. That’s all good but, just to be sure, did you see anything else?”

Destiny was confused but she slowly shook her head. Maybe she was talking about the whole superhero thing. “No… I just stayed hidden.”

Coles sighed. “A’ight. Stay safe. And I never thought I’d say that in Ngawooin.”

“First time for everything,” said Dad. “G’night, Jude.”

“And to you, Saul. Both of you get a good sleep tonight.” Coles left and shut the door behind her.

Destiny hissed in pain as she walked into the dining room. She pulled out one of the wooden chairs at the table and slumped down, resting her head on her folded arms. The lounge room had a sofa but she just needed to sit down right now. “First time for everything. Including giant monsters, huh?”

Dad rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, that was pretty stupid. But I think everyone’s tired and scared. Just what happened today? Where did that big guy come from?”

“Bugger if I know. Is mum home yet?”

“Nah, she’s back tomorrow. Good thing you weren’t hurt that badly, otherwise she’d have been back yesterday.”

“Hi Des!” called Destiny’s little brother as he ran into the room. Milo, only seven years old, had very short brown hair and wide brown eyes. “Are you okay? Dad and Jude said there was a monster and a superhero outside!”

“Hey Milo,” said Destiny, not lifting her head. “Yeah, that’s about it. That’s why dinner’s late, sorry.”

“Did you see ‘em?” Milo asked, sitting next to Destiny. “What was the monster like? What about the hero? Did you talk to them?”

“Milo, let your sis be,” said Dad. “She had a run in with that monster and she’s lucky she wasn’t hurt.”

“It’s good.” Destiny waved him off tiredly. “The monster was like a big knight with a big black robe and it had this big axe that looked like a judge’s hammer…”

“Those are gavels,” said Dad.

“Whoa!” said Milo. “What about the hero?”

“Ugh…” Destiny rubbed her eyes against her arms. So much had happened tonight and it was hard to get her thoughts in order. “I dunno. Didn’t see ‘em.”

“Des, kiddo.” Dad was setting up the dinner ingredients on the bench. “You’ve had a rough night. We all have. Maybe it’ll be good for you to have a bath and relax before dinner.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” With a groan, Destiny pushed herself up from the table and stretched. “Need to clean myself from sitting on dirt for half an hour too.”

“Hey Dad,” said Milo, “since there was a monster, can I stay home from school tomorrow?”

Dad turned around quickly to refuse as he normally would but then he paused. “Actually, that might be a good idea. It’s quiet now but it might come back...”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that,” said Destiny right before she wished she didn’t. How could she possibly sound sure of that? That’d be suspicious at the very least…

Dad shook his head. “I know you like to underplay problems but you have to admit this is kind of a big deal.”

Oh thank goodness; her apathy protected her from scrutiny. “Yeah but, like, what about the hero? Didn’t they take care of it?”

Dad pursed his lips. “Y’know what? Tomorrow morning, I’ll call Jude and ask if it’s safe for you two to go to school. If she says that monster’s still a risk, we’ll just hang out here at home and play games or something.”

“Yes!” Milo pumped his fist. “I hope she says it’s still a problem.”

“I don’t,” grumbled Dad. “But it’s still important you go to school. You need to get out of the house from time to time so you can learn and make friends.”

“But you stay home all the time.”

“That’s because I went to school.” Dad grinned and placed a plastic bowl on the bench. “And I do all the work around the house. I cook, I clean, I wash the clothes, I’m basically always busy. You’re lucky you don’t need to do anything for stay-at-home days and you can just lie about all day.”

“Aw…” groaned Milo. “Does that mean I won’t be allowed to have fun if I grow up?”

“Oh you’ll be allowed. You’ll just need to make time for it.”

“Alright,” said Destiny. “As fun as this conversation isn’t, I need a bath. See ya.”

“Take care, Des,” said Dad. “Dinner’s going to be a while so take your time and relax. You’ve had a long day; you’ve earned the rest.”

“Thanks,” mumbled Destiny. “Looking forward to something to eat.”

She made her way to her bedroom first. After the bath, she was going to want to change into something comfortable for the rest of the night so she was going to get her pyjamas ready.

Her bedroom was very simple. She had no posters or paintings or anything on her beige walls, preferring to leave them bare. Her single bed had white pillows with a pale green blanket and a doona cover depicting sheep-shaped clouds with a sun in the middle. Aside from that, she also had a small desk with an office chair and her laptop, which was very old and couldn’t stay powered for over an hour unplugged so it basically served as her desktop.

Her fitted closet was opposite her bed. Her pyjamas were in the bottom drawer. It would be simple to retrieve her sleepwear and continue onto the bathroom but Destiny had spent the night getting superpowers and fighting her classmate who was possessed and transformed. Being hurt and truly spent of energy, she collapsed onto her bed.

She had never felt this tired before. She had never exercised a lot or even done much in P.E. but she never thought that this sort of fatigue was humanly possible. It was hard to even think, let alone move. She held herself together in the conversation with Dad and Milo but, on her own in her bedroom, she let it all go. She stopped trying to hold it all together and fell as she pleased.

Forget the heroics. Forget Judgement. Forget Goetius and Neil. All she could think was that her bed had never felt so comfortable in her life.

[yoongspd]

yo i’ve been tagged by @orb1tch to do this, tysm dear <3 

it said i should be tagging 20 people sooo im choosing some new and old mutuals for this. if you wanna do this go ahead, and if you don’t want to or already have dont mind this it’s okk !!! hi @syubah, @kimnamtaejin, @mangplushie, @lovehobs, @gukster, @mozartae, @bangpdofficial, @kyut-tea, @jinhits, @yeontaen, @jintroduction, @min-jesus, @justinsgf, @napmon, @bbyjoonbug, @hoshikio, @cypheryg, @dykescult im tagging yall.

last

- drink: water

- call: my mom

- text: my mom lmao

- song u listened to: rn im listening to home by brockhampton

- time u cried: yesterday morning but it wasn’t sad crying

have u ever

- dated someone twice: nope never punch me in the face if i do

- kissed someone & regretted it: no

- been cheated on: yes.

- lost someone special: yes

- been depressed: i haven’t been checked by a doctor but yeap and it comes in waves

- gotten drunk & thrown up: yeap lmao it wasnt a good experience

favorite colors

1. beige

2. white

3. blue

in the last year have u

- made any new friends: yes

- fallen out of love: no

- laughed so hard that u cried: yes !!

- found out someone was talking abt u: i guess yeah but i dont remember but it probably happened

- found out who ur friends were: yep

- kissed someone on ur fb friends list: no

general

- how many ppl from ur fb friends do u know irl: 300+ ?? idk maybe more cb these are usually school people and relatives so it’s a lot

- do u have any pets: no T_______T

- do u want to change ur name: nah

- what did u do for ur birthday last year: we probably ate outside i think and my friends and i went out too

- what were u doing last night at midnight: i was asleep !

- what time did u wake up today: 5:30 am

- what is something u can’t wait for: im pretty patient nowadays, ya know enjoying the present but hmm the first thing on my mind when i force this question wld be living a stable life and giving back to my family

- have u ever talked to a person named tom: yeap and i had a huge crush on him

- something that gets on ur nerves: the philippine government !!! cronies are taking over and pulling my country back in the dumps !!!!

- most visited website: tumblr ??

- hair color: it’s colored medium brown rn but it’s naturally dark brown

- short hair or long hair: short

- do u have a crush on someone: yeap, realizing it yesterday was what made me cry

- what do u like abt urself: my mind probably and how looking back i see ive gotten through so many things already :)

- want any piercings: yeap !!1 but i have sensitive ears so i havent had any since i was 12 :///

- blood type: B

- nicknames: chesca/ches but people close to me irl call me chikay, and my family has these nicknames for me: kay/king/chi

- relationship status: single

- zodiac sign: scorpio

- pronouns: she/her

- fave tv shows: i dont rlly watch tv :(((( but the last ones ive seen were friends and stranger things. i like them but i dont think about them much

- tattoos: nope

- right handed or left handed: right

- ever had surgery: yep. i don’t have an appendix now hnfgjsfgks

- sport: im one of the least athletic people you’ll ever meet but i know some softball because i’ve written a sports article on the championship game for our intramurals lmaoooooooo

- vacation: dream vacation ?? any place w rich culture and history. but if this is asking what i did on vacation aside from staying home, we went to Mactan, Cebu last summer. It was beautiful :)

- trainers: ?? hmm i love wearing them bc theyre comfy and i need them bc my feet easily tire

more general:

- eating: i last ate a breakfast meal at mcdonalds w my roomies

- drinking: water

- i’m about to watch: blue is the warmest color tomorrow (i wasnt planning to watch a film actually but this made me think and aaah ok i need to watch this tomorrow while i have nothing to do)

- waiting for: classes to start

- want: a 4.0 GPA at least once and nothing below 3.5 this college

- get married: when im financially stable

- career: i wanna be a corporate lawyer

which is better:

- hugs or kisses: tight hugs !!!

- lips or eyes: eyes :>

- shorter or taller: a taller boii but if we’re talking about girls hmm a petite smol one wld be so cute (im definitely talking about someone here) :(((((((((((

- older or younger: older

- nice arms or stomach: arms

- hookup or relationship: rn i rlly dont need a relationship so id settle for a hookup if i get needy hhhh

- troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker (bc i am one, not intentionally just bc im A Fool)

have you ever:

- kissed a stranger: no

- drank hard liquor: yeap

- lost glasses: yeap all my glasses except the one im wearing rn and the last one i used bc i broke it

- turned someone down: i didn’t have a chance to

- sex on first date: no

- broken someone’s heart: people said so

- had your heart broken: yes

- been arrested: no

-  cried when someone died: yes

- fallen for a friend: yes :/

do you believe in:

- yourself: now i do !!

- miracles: maybe

- love at first sight: no

- santa claus: no

- kiss on first date: it depends

- angels: yeap

other:

- best friend’s name: june (so like i hardly use the nickname joon when i go hard bc that’s just Weird, man)

- eye colour: brown

- fave movie: kimi no nawa :///// or dead poets society

- fave actor: ... i dont watch films much :( ask me about books instead

[grimeygal]

24, 46, 57, 71, 81

24. Would you ever want to give birth?

Hmm, I don’t know if I even want kids but if I have them I’m not super fussed how? Like I’m open to giving birth, but I’d also adopt etc. Truthfully the thought of being preggers is really scary to me hahaha

46. How long is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Are you still with that person?

Only 4 months! And no

57. If you are not a lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females?

I mean…all the time and constantly LOL. I don’t think a day goes by where a girl doesn’t make me blush

71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie?

Carol, Blue is the Warmest Colour (I KNOW THE SEX SCENE IS A MESS but the rest always makes me cry!), the butch/femme plot from If These Walls Could Talk 2, But I’m a Cheerleader and Princess Cyd. I have a bunch on my to-watch list for after exams and feel free to suggest stuff

81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy? Have you?

Nope. I have been rejected for another girl before. As in, I confessed my feelings/we were a non-exclusive thing and then they made it clear they wanted to commit to someone else. That shit hurts!! But at the same time you can’t get mad at someone for having a connection with someone else? Same with if a girl dumped me for a guy. Painful, but it was meant to be.

Thank you for entertaining me with questions love xx

[aaazamo-blog]

Tag followers that you want to get to know better

I was tagged by @fortheloveofalaska, thank u 💖💖

Name: Natasha

Gender: not sure of a label atm

Star Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5′2″

Sexuality: I like girls

House: every weekend!! (pls get the joke) (i don’t know my harry potter house)

What’s your wallpaper?: a picture of aaa girls I took at hoh

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?: unfortunately

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: I don’t. but like hopefully I’ll have a nice place of my own doing something I love and have a wife/gf/lover!! 

If you could be anywhere right now where would you be?: pride

What’s your coolest Halloween costume?: I haven’t had a halloween costume in years (sue me) but I love seeing drag race ones like phiphi + sharon lol

Favourite 90s TV show?: grange hill and the queens nose are a couple I can think of

Last kiss?: one of my good boy friends, we are both gay lol

Ever been stood up?: nope

Ever been to Las Vegas?: yesss

Favourite pair of shoes?: my checkerboard vans

Favourite Fruit?: blackberry (but I don’t rly dislike any)

Favourite Book?: Reasons to stay Alive - Matt Haig 

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done?: too vague of a question

All time favourite TV shows: rpdr, waterloo road, scd.. ummm I don’t actually watch tv much atm?

All Time Favourite Songs: oh god I could write so many but a few: scissor sisters- let’s have a kiki, kylie minogue- better the devil you know, neck deep- a part of me, amy winehouse - me and mr jones, electric light orchestra - mr. blue sky and david bowie - ashes to ashes + changes

Last Movie You Saw: blue is the warmest colour

I tag: @bellizamo @whosaidyouareoneinamillion @sparklebabyadore and @alexweeezy @mattedzamo @alaskazamo (if you want to and haven’t already) and also anyone else who sees this and wants to x

[youfitinmypoem]

Did you watch Blue is the Warmest Colour?

nope

[bucksblr]

85 questions meme

tagged by - the ever so lovely @asheradayne ♡ rules - answer these 85 questions and tag 20 5 people tagging - @lovelybenny @minyardx @delacour @kylosrev @slyherin + anyone else who wants to do this

— what was your last…

1. drink: water 2. phone call: my dad 3. text message: i asked a friend of mine to send me the link to a vmin fanfic she read 4. song you listened to: white t-shirt by my angel jonghyun ♡ 5. time you cried: literally today, i was listening to my playlist and shinee came on and right after there was jonghyun and i just cried because i miss him so much (i still can’t believe it’s been four months already)

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yes 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: mmm 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: it’s been a while since i threw up, but yes

— fave colours

12. gold 13. black 14. silver

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: yes 17. laughed until you cried: too many times to count 18. found out someone was talking about you: unfortunately so 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20. found out who your friends are: yes 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: definitely 90% of them 23. do you have any pets: a puppy 24. do you want to change your name: very much so 25. what did you do for your last birthday: study for exams (sadlife) 26. what time did you wake up today: 09:30am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: partying  28. what is something you can’t wait for: going to seoul with my best friend!! 30. what are you listening to right now: really really by winner 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: some people from uni tbh

33. most visited website: tumblr 34. hair colour: dark brown 35. long or short hair: inbetween

36. do you have a crush on someone: yes

37. what do you like about yourself: haha 38. want any piercings: fuck yes 39. blood type: a negative 40. nicknames: ems, emsie, emmisha 41. relationship status: single as a pringle 42. sign: capricorn 43. pronouns: she/her 44. fave tv show: how to get away with murder orrr brooklyn nine-nine 45. tattoos: no 46. right or left handed: right 47: ever had surgery: yes 48. piercings: none yet 49. sport: hahahahah 50. vacation: SEOUL IN FIVE MONTHS 51. trainers: idc

— more general

52. eating: chinese 53. drinking: vodka redbull and this belgian beer called kriek 54. i’m about to watch: taehyung flirt with literally every other member of bts #rip 55. waiting for: S E O U L (and meeting my best friend’s boyfriend)

56. want: meet bts 57. get married: maybe 58. career: writer / journalist

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: both is good 60. lips or eyes: eyes 61. shorter or taller: taller 62. older or younger: older 63. nice arms or stomach: stomach 64. hookup or relationships: relationships 65. troublemaker or hesitant: depends

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: yes 67. drank hard liquor: lmao just yesterday 68. turned someone down: yes 69. sex on first date: no 70: broken someone’s heart: i don’t think so, no 71. had your heart broken: unfortunately, yes 72. been arrested: no 73. cried when someone died: bitch i cry when taehyung looks into the camera i’m emotional af 74. fallen for a friend: yes

— do you believe in

75. yourself: i wish 76. miracles: no 77. love at first sight: no 78. santa claus: no 79. angels: sometimes

— misc

80. eye colour: grey blue 81. best friend’s name: sophie, kaylee 82. favourite movie: call me by your name, center of my world, blue is the warmest color, etc 83. favourite actor: sebastian stan, hands down

84. favourite cartoon: avatar: the last airbender orrr pokémon 85. favourite teacher’s name: greg piolon, pedra everaert & kim puystjens

[possession1981-moving]

did u like blue is the warmest colour?

Nope I’m not here for that exploitative lesbophobic misogynistic bullshit :)

[nussstrudel]

The Answer Game

Answer these 30 questions then pass it on!

I was tagged by @fragile-teacup. Thank you :)

1) Nicknames - nini

2.) Gender - female

3.) Star sign - aquarius

4.) Height - 177cm

5.) Time - 22:28

6.) Birthday - january 26th

7.) Favourite band - too many, ‘alt-j’ at the moment

8.) Favourite solo artist - also too many, ‘woodkid’ always works

9.) Song stuck in my head - banshee by santigold

10.) Last movie you watched - flightplan

11.) Last show you watched - bojack horseman

12.) When did I create my blog - march 2013

13.) What do I post - movies, tv shows, animals, random stuff i like

14) Last thing I googled - the black and white album by the hives

15.) Do you have other blogs - nope

17.) Why did you choose your url - probably was just hungry at the time

18.) Following - 691

19.) Followers - 465

20.) Favourite colour - red

21.) Average hours of sleep - 6-7

22.) Lucky number - 8

23.) Instruments I play - guitar, trying to learn the ukulele

24.) What am I wearing - my pyjamas

25.) How many blankets I sleep with - one, two during winter (i have no idea what the difference between a blanket and a duvet is..)

26.) Dream job - writer, photographer

27.) Dream trip - scandinavia, ireland

28.) Favourite food - pizza

29.) Nationality - austrian

30.) Favourite song - every other freckle - alt-j

I tag some of my new followers to get to know you better (feel free to do this): @blue-the-warmest-color, @marvelcomickitty, @katzbeverly, @jeremiebrett

[theworldatyourfingertips]

Like, Questions and Stuff?

I was tagged by @latenightgaymer Thanks, m8eo!

I am responding 6 days later because I have no idea how to use the phone app and didn’t notice the notification o_o (I’m old and useless now)

Where do you currently live? A village in Peterborough :P

Where would you prefer to live if given the option, and why? Lancashire with uni friends (and the Manchester film scene); Warwickshire with home friends; closer to London for the film scene; Japan! So many places, I think I could settle anywhere tbh :D

Shoe size?

12 UK

Can you fall asleep on your back?

Yeah, can’t on my right side cause of an inner ear thingy O_o

Is there a movie/book/show/game you’re looking forward to? What about it has you most excited?

The new announced Avatar comics (The last airbender, not blue aliens), Star wars, Sense 8 season 3 special... probs more things

Wine, or hard liquor?  What is one of your preferred drinks? Wine... I guess. I only drink on special occasions really. I love a midori sours (y) Usually go for cider

Physical touch, do you enjoy it?  What’s your favorite spot, what spot do you not want to be touched? Not really a touchy-feely guy, I grew up mega self conscious and I find it weird for someone to touch me without feeling some sorta judgement, especially hugs, feels like they’re measuring my belly :’) I like to touch my BF tho... and pet dogs; does that count?

Go into your YouTube history and provide the link to the 7th video in the list. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM_j8_AZJW4

What was the last song you listened to? Freedom - Beyonce; on the way to meet my Nan for lunch :)

Do you have any thoughts on ‪Nick Jonas‬? I remember having a crush on Kevin in the Disney show, but the other two don’t really catch my attention Q_Q

Water or silicone based? Erm... the cherry flavoured one... so whatever that one is?

The most illicit controlled substance you’ve partaken in? The MJ, mainly to get a guys attention at the time. I am corrupt now.

If you could get your friends/family to watch one specific gay movie, which one would it be? Handsome Devil; a feel good movie I watched recently. Or Blue is the warmest colour...or God’s own country or free fall. I am indecisive and watch too many gay movies. (Bold = Number 1)

Do you listen to podcasts?  If so do you listen to them while you’re doing something else? Nope, never have. I want to some day listen to Japanese ones to go with my language practice.

What do you do on a Sunday? Chill, apply for jobs. The usual.

Birth sign and zodiac?  What do you like most about both, what do you like least.  If you could pick which would you prefer? Gemini, I don’t know about all this jazz... I was born then so I am that?

In front of my salad? Exclusively!

Last book or comic you enjoyed? Avatar; The Lost Adventures or On Film-making by Alexander Mackendrick

A kink or fetish you have,  can you explain how it became one for you? Erm, Beards, tattoos, underwear, tan lines... all that vanilla jazz!

Supply the link to either an image or video you think will bring a chuckle to those following you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_97h5jbGT8s

Tag some others to have a go!

I got no tumblr friends... but I will tag some of yas... if you haven’t done it before. @keepfallingonyou @just-connor @thatpunintended 

[pendrago0n]

Answer all of them ;p

ffs george you made me get my laptop out for this

- Is a kiss considered cheating? Yes

- Have you ever faked orgasm? Nope

- If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Invisibility 

- Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? No

- Tell us some funny drunk story… uhhh probably sitting with my housemates and pulling fluff from my vagina 

- Why are you no longer together with your ex? he’s a cunt

- If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? In my sleep

- What are your current goals? Graduate uni and go on to do a masters

- Do you like someone? I love someone very much

- Who was the last person to disappoint you? dunno

- Do you like your body? Hate it

- Can you keep a diet? I have zero willpower when it comes to food

- If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? pls stop

- Do you work? Yes

- If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? A roast dinner

- Would you get a tattoo? Yes

- Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? Lingerie

- Can you drive? No

- When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? My boyfriend all the time 

- What was the last thing you cried for? My body

- Do you keep a journal? Yes

- Is life fun? Not mega fun

- Is farting in front of people irrelevant? Do you mean irreverent? Could be i guess

- What’s your dream car? an old Jaguar F type

- Are grades in school important? To me personally yes

- Describe your crush. His name is Sam and he has the most beautiful blue eyes and the softest blond hair. He is a truly lovely and genuine person, and he’s handsome inside and out. He has made me laugh and smile every day since we started talking. Cuddling and sleeping next to him is the best feeling in the world, he is literally the warmest person in the world and being in his arms makes me feel so safe, loved, and wanted. It makes me the happiest gal knowing I call him my boyfriend.

- What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? Moana

- What was your last lie? Telling my mum I’d tidied my room

- Dumbest lie you ever told? Fuck I dunno I’ve told some dumb ones lmao

- Is crying in front of people embarrassing? I hate it

- Something you did and you are proud of? Got into my first choice uni

- What’s your favourite cocktail? Strawberry daiquiri 

- Something you are good at? Art

- Do you like small kids? No

- How are you feeling right now? Meh

- What would you name your daughter/son? Amélie/Freddie

- What do you need to be happy? My bed and my phone and my boyfriend

- Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? Yeah

- What was the last gift you received? I don’t know

- What was the last gift you gave? A toy red panda to my boyfriend 

- What was the last concert you went to? God I can’t remember 

- Favourite place to shop at? Ann Summers

- Who inspires you? Don’t know

- How old were you when you first got drunk? Like 14

- How old were you when you first got high? Dunno

- How old were you when you first had sex? 16

- When was your first kiss? House party when I was 15

- Something you want to do until the end of this year? Keep on top of my uni work

- Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Yeah

- Post a selfie. Look through my ‘me’ tag

- Who are you most comfortable around? Sam my boyfriend

- Name one thing that terrifies you. Clowns

- What kind of books do you read? Autobiographies and stuff like that

- What would you tell your 12 year old self? Stop worrying 

- What is your favourite flower? Lilies

- Any bad habits you have? So many

- What kind of people are you attracted to? Dunno lmao

- What was the last thing you cried for? My body

- Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? Spinach, mushrooms, coriander

- Are you in love? I think so yes

- Something you find romantic? Time and attention and letters

- How long was your longest relationship? Like 2ish years

- What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? Loudness, cattiness, dunno

- What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? Catcalling, aggressiveness, loudness

- What are you saving money for? House

- How would you describe your bad side? Horrible

- Are you actually a good person? Why? Don’t know

- What are you living for? Finishing uni and Sam

- Have you ever done anything illegal? Probably

- Do you like your body? Hate it

- Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? Probably

- Ever sent nudes? Yes

- Have you ever cheated on someone? No

- Favourite candy? Haribo supermix

- Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! Porn blogs lmao

- Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? I dabble in GTA v

- Favourite TV series? Merlin will always be my fave

- Are you religious? Does God exist? No

- What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? Something for uni

- What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? Not for me

- How long have you been on Tumblr? 7 years lol

- Do you like Chinese food? Love it

- McDonalds or Subway? McDonalds

- Vodka or whiskey? Vodka

- Alcohol or drugs? Alcohol

- Ever been out of your province/state/country? Yes

- Meaning behind your blog name? mixing of pendragon and dragoon from merlin

- What are you scared of? Failure, clowns, the dark, deep water, swallowing sharp blades

- Last time you were insulted? Today

- Most traumatic experience? Almost breaking my back falling off a horse

- Perfect date idea? The zoo or a picnic or the pub or a meal out and spending time with my boyfriend

- Favourite app on your phone? Instagram

- What colour are the walls in your room? Cream

- Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtube? sunbeamsjess

- Share your favourite quote. Don’t even think I have one

- What is the meaning of life? 42

- Do you like horror movies? Fuck no

- Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Nope

- Do you feel lucky or special in a way? No

- Can you keep a secret? Yes