#No clue how hot it's gonna be when this gets posted. My queue is of an unknowable length.

[zandel645]

Tagged by the beautiful @thecreepiestcarrie and I love these games sooo, let’s go!

1. Why did you choose your url?

It was an internet name I went by for a couple of years, pulled it out of my head.

2. Any side blogs?

Okay pls don’t judge but I used to have a pro ana side blog back in the good old days when my ED wasn’t ruining my life.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

Uhhhhh... 5 years maybe??

4. Do you have a queue tag?

I’ve literally never used the queue in my life.

5. Why did you start this blog in the first place?

Cos I heard it was a cool place for art and everyone else was on tumblr so I gave into peer pressure.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

That’s me when I went to Berlin! Got all dressed up for Berghain and I know I look hot sooo naturally I had it as my icon.

7. How many mutuals do you have?

Not a fucking clue.

8. How many followers do you have?

Not very many but I really don’t mind.

9. Have you ever made a shitpost?

Does drunken shitposting count?

10. How often do you use tumblr a day?

I can literally scroll for hours so pretty often.

11. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Not really, I got anon hate once telling me to kill myself but what’s new haha

12. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

I scroll faster.

13. Do you like tag games?

Fuck yeah

14. Do you like ask games?

I don’t really get asks but if I did, yeah I’d like them.

15. Which mutuals do you think are tumblr famous?

I’m gonna steal this answer from Carrie (oops!) people who get more notes than me.

16. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

No but I like my mutuals a hell of a lot and they definitely feel more solid than most of my crushes haha

I’m gonna tag @yukiko133 and @lileiv, plsss join me haha

[harrywavycurly]

*a/n this is Part One, I hope you enjoy it and I’m so sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted a full length story for Life With Narry and really thank you so much for being so patient! I love y’all, let me know your thoughts and Part Two will be up this week!*

“I already told you I’m not going,” You could practically hear Harry roll his eyes from behind you as he let out a frustrated groan and ran a hand through his hair, you looked over your shoulder at him causing you to just chuckle when you saw how truly frustrated he was.

“Why do you have to be so bloody difficult? Niall will kill me if I can’t do my one task of getting you out of the house for a few hours.” You just shrugged as you went back to making your coffee. “I’ll let you order dessert first,” Harry smiled when he saw you stop stirring your coffee letting him know he had peeked your interest.

“Fine, just act surprised please when we get home.” You just rolled your eyes and nodded your head before you took a sip of your coffee. Harry laughed as he took a step closer to you so he could place a kiss to your forehead. “Happy Birthday Princess.” You smiled at him as he placed another quick kiss to your cheek before pulling away completely.

“Thank you H, now if you don’t mind this birthday girl wants to watch some trashy television.” Harry just chuckled as you walked out of the kitchen and towards the living room with your mug of coffee in your hand and your pajamas still on underneath your comfy robe. Just as you sat down on the couch there was a knock on your door and before you could even think about getting up Harry was already unlocking the door to see who it was.

“Oh uhm,” You looked over at the front door and had to place a hand over your mouth to hide your giggles as Harry backed up causing a few balloons to float up to the ceiling. “Thank you.” You watched him give the delivery person a small smile before closing the door with his foot, his hands where full with a big flower arrangement making you lean over and put your mug on the coffee table so you could stand up and follow him into the dinning room where he sat the arrangement down.

“These are so pretty Harry.” You gushed as you placed a hand on his arm so you could reach up and place a little kiss to his cheek.

“They are quite lovely, but they uh aren’t from me.” You raised an eyebrow as he reached over and grabbed the little card that was in the middle of the flowers. “If that little bloody hobbit got you flowers after he told me not to I’m gonna ring his-“ Harry stopped his rant when he opened the card and soon a smirk was taking over his face making you just give him a weird look as you snatched the card out of his hands.

“Oh my,” You felt your eyes go wide as you looked from the card to the flowers and then back to the card. “Oh my god.” Harry was full on grinning by the time you looked at him with his arms crossed over his chest and a smug look on his face. “Harry how? What even? He knows my address?” Harry laughed as you placed a hand on your forehead as you reread the card for the fifth time.

“I have my ways, besides we are having a party here tonight so yes he has your address, figured if he didn’t come to the party he’d at least have the decency to send you something.” Harry looked away from your face that was still full of shock to the flowers with a nod. “Seems I was right, as usual.” You just smacked his arm with the hand that was on your forehead making him chuckle as he uncrossed his arms so he could drape one over your shoulders so he could pull you into his side.

“Holy shit.” You mumbled as Harry took the card from you as you wrapped an arm around his middle while resting your head on his chest.

“Happy Birthday! I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight, hope these make you smile and don’t worry we’ll get together for a drink or two when I’m back in town, Dylan.” You felt you cheeks get hot as Harry read what was written inside the card out loud. “Niall is going to blow a gasket, might even have a proper heart attack.” You laughed as you looked up at Harry who just shot you a playfully wink.

“It’s just flowers, haven’t even spoken to the man before.” You explained making Harry just shrug as he leaned over and put the card back in its spot in the arrangement.

“Yes true, but you know what they say. First comes flowers, then comes marriage and you know how Niall is.” You held back your giggles as Harry pulled you a little closer to him. “He doesn’t like to share you.” Harry shot you a wink as he pulled away from you so he could turn and head back into the kitchen to grab his smoothie.

“Right, Niall’s the one who doesn’t like to share.” You teased as you turned and went back into the living room to finish your coffee. “Where is the Irish one anyway?” As if on queue your front door opened causing you to jump a bit making Niall laugh as he closed the door behind him.

“There she is! The birthday Princess!” You laughed as Niall walked into the living room with his arms open wide. “Come on, don’t make me tackle ya like I did last year.” Harry chuckled to himself as he entered the living room with his smoothie in his hand, You just stood up and took a step towards Niall who was quick to engulf you in a giant bear hug.

“That was very funny,” Harry added as he took his usual spot on the loveseat. “Well all until the two of you fell off the bed and the little delicate flower over here got a giant bruise on his thigh.” Niall just flipped Harry the bird as he pulled you even closer to him making your arms wrap around his middle in a tight embrace.

“S’not my fault I bruise easy ya lanky arsehole.” You laughed as Niall pulled away from you, he quickly leaned down and placed a kiss to your forehead and then your cheeks making you giggle and playfully push him away as he tried to place sloppy kisses all over your face. “What’s the matter? Don’t want my love on your birthday? Dats a bit rude innit?” He teased when you finally managed to get out of his grasp and sit back down on the couch.

“I love your hugs and kisses but I don’t need them all-“ You watched Niall go from looking at you to over your head and saw his smile fade as he raised an eyebrow, you knew he was looking at the flowers on your dinning room table.

“What are those?” Harry jumped up from his seat when he saw Niall head for the dinning room, you just stayed seated because you didn’t want to get in the way of what was about to happen. “You got her flowers? And ya went off on me bout gettin her the same gifts an nothin extra from either of us!” Harry just rolled his eyes as Niall reached for the card that was in the arrangement.

“I didn’t get her the flowers ya knob,” Harry watched Niall’s face go from confused to slightly annoyed as he read Dylan’s note. “What? It’s a nice gesture.” He added making Niall roll his eyes as he put the card back where it was as Harry crossed his arms over his chest.

“Dylan? Really Harry? Ya think that’s the best idea right now after what jus happened wit Nick?” Niall asked making Harry just shake his head as Niall placed his hands on his hips and gave Harry a hard glare.

“Oh come off it Niall, it’s a bloody birthday card and some flowers. He’s a nice lad, wouldn’t have invited him if he wasn’t a decent person.” Harry defended as Niall just bit down on his bottom lip, you couldn’t help yourself so you got up off the couch and slowly headed towards the two men. “He’s not Nick, can’t assume everyone is gonna break her heart Niall.” You felt your heart sink a little at Harry’s mumbled words, Niall just let out a sigh and nodded his head.

“Yer right.” Harry’s eyes went wide as his arms dropped from his chest and fell to his sides. “Don’t go lookin at me like that, ya heard me. M’not repeatin it.” You giggled making both of them turn their heads and look at you.

“You two are something else,” Harry just smile as you walked up to them and placed an arm around both of their middles. “Please don’t worry about me, I’m okay and I’m just taking time to enjoy life so please let’s just go and watch some Real Housewives before getting ready for dinner.” Niall just nodded his head and gave you a smile before placing a kiss to the top of your head.

“You know I only watch Real Housewives of Atlanta.” You laughed as Harry shot you a playful wink making Niall nod his head in agreement.

“Dats da best one for sure.” Niall added as you let go of them both so the three of you could go get comfortable in the living room. You soon found yourself sat between Niall and Harry on the couch with one of your throw blankets over you and you head resting on Niall’s shoulder while Harry was busy messing on his phone, probably setting up last minute details for the party that was going to happen tonight, the party that Niall still assumed you had no clue about.

[stefanyd]

I posted 16,362 times in 2021

15 posts created (0%)

16347 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1089.8 posts.

I added 255 tags in 2021

#saving people queueing things the family business - 46 posts

#video - 36 posts

#text - 30 posts

#mdzs - 27 posts

#art - 23 posts

#lol - 22 posts

#critical role - 22 posts

#fanart - 17 posts

#gif - 16 posts

#the witcher - 16 posts

Longest Tag: 106 characters

#i dont get how either of these two wanna fuck each other when they have a mother/son dynamic going on here

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I finally watched Goblin: The Great and Lonely God and you know what? The last episode was the one that actually broke me, I sobbed. And that was great? I’m not one for the crying but when its earned and it doesn't break me? Coolio. Many shows that deal with the themes that Goblin deals with can so easily become Tragedy Porn, and I am super pleased with the fact that it didn’t go that way.

The show is about a man who is blessed and cursed for his sins and virtues with the gift of immortality. He will remember the death of every person he holds dear and he will help people have a brighter future, never dying until he finds his Goblin’s Bride. Alongside you have his roommate, an amnesiac Grim Reaper without a name, who is atoning for a great sin/sins committed while he was alive by ferrying the departed to the afterlife, a young high school woman who can see ghost and lives an unfortunate life but choses to be hopeful (not blindingly so) and a hilarious restaurant owner who seems to be missing something in her life. Add a bunch of hilarious and heartwarming side-characters please, specially the goblin’s nephew.

The show is really really good. It has pacing issues, specially at the beginning episodes, and it feels almost slow, but once you get past the set up and back and forth it picks up and its hard to put down. The tone of the show shifts between comedy and serious in ways that can probably give you backlash sometimes, but overall it works beautifully. Almost like a friend you trust and love holding your hand through a rough time. The acting is great?? The soundtrack is lovely and pleasant to hear as opposed to getting annoying later on as it happens with many shows. The characters are hilariously charming, quirky and easy to fall in love with, specially the Grim Reaper.

The ending is bittersweet and hopeful and it most definitely is a happy ending, all the more when you take into account that this is a world full of magic and if you’re willing to be hopeful (or an insufferable romantic like I am) you can picture a myriad of ways the future can be bright for its characters, who at the end ARE reunited with, or have found their happiness again.

23 notes • Posted 2021-01-06 22:18:21 GMT

#4

I too relate to Jaskier, because i burn bright and hot in my anger when hurt, and forgive too easily at the first sign of the need to care for someone i love that hurt me.

40 notes • Posted 2021-12-21 22:50:53 GMT

#3

Listen, I know Burn Butcher Burn has me screaming on the side but can I also say how much depth there is to Jaskier that we don't talk about?? Like he may be broken hearted but that man really did get down that mountain and said "I'm gonna do good in the world any way I can"

45 notes • Posted 2021-12-17 22:39:39 GMT

#2

ANDREW GARFIELD HAD NO BUSINESS MAKING ME CRY LIKE THAT

50 notes • Posted 2021-12-22 21:12:59 GMT

#1

We all see this talk of destiny and how Geralt and Ciri and Yennefer, you know, are destined to meet, to be together, and to be a part of each other's life, but I'm always over here looking at how intrinsic to their lives, in the periphery, always present, is Jaskier. There. How much he's counted on by them and im like. He's their destiny too????? No one gonna clue in on that???????

202 notes • Posted 2021-12-19 19:37:14 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[still-we-rise]

I was tagged by lovely @p1tstop thank you bestie! 💖💖💖

1. why did you choose your url?

'Cause I'm Bono-centered blog and a Mercedes fangirl <3 Nothing too deep about it, but I like it. Never forgetti my first url tho, "simpcedes-amg" always in my heart.

2. any side blogs?

Nope, this is the one and only. So yeah, ppl who followed me for F1 content are often harassed with my other hyperfixations from time to time especially games. It's kinda messy but aren't we all?

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

On this particular blog? Since November 2020, but I was lurking on tumblr before for quite some time. For a while I forgot about it's existence at all, and one day I discovered f1blr is a thing. And it was a spiral down from that very moment.

4. do you have a queue tag?

WHAT IS A QUEUE? DON'T KNOW HER I just log in, reblog stuff at once, log off, and the cycle continues. I always admired people who kinda sort their posts or have a specific tag for differend kinds of stuff, like guys, where tf do you take the energy from?

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

Too few people were simping for Bono so I decided I gotta change it. And now he has an army of simps, no need to thank me, Peter. and when I started I thought I'm just gonna make my silly posts and get 10 notes each, never expected to have a good amount of followers and amazing friends here!

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Because Bono hot.

7. why did you choose your header?

Because Bono hot.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

F1 x Zitti e Buoni (go to horny jail y'all) F1 guys as headers F1 & John Mulaney F1 as vines pt 2 back then i wrote i made this to escape the drama but no goddamn clue what drama it was F1 drivers as Top Gear moments honorable mention to my most liked Bono posts 1 2 3 4

9. how many mutuals do you have?

AND HOW DO I CHECK IT

Idk but quite many, I think? I haven't talked to most of them really, and I'M EXTREMELY SORRY FOR BEING A SHY AWKWARD BITCH who turns into a demon once I'm comfortable with a person but shhh I wish I talked with y'all much more often, but yeah, idk what do I do, poke you with a stick?

10. how many followers do you have?

603 and I love every single one of them!

11. how many people do you follow?

359 my dash is a mess and i love it

12. have you ever made a shit post?

OH BOY OOOOOOH BOY

13. how often do you use tumblr a day?

14. did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

Nah. Again, how people find the energy to do that?

And if I somehow have a beef, trust me, it's one-sided because I'm definitely too old for this shit

15. how do you feel about the ‘you need to reblog’ posts?

They're really needed! Spreading content is literally the only thing keeping this site alive and motivating creators to create more stuff <3 Gif creators, edit makers, fanfic writers, shitposters, they all get too little credit for their work and literally holding this site on their arms. Giving you all a platonic kiss because you deserve it besties 💘💘

16. do you like tag games?

I really do! Sometimes I respond to them weeks after but that's because I'm a dumb asshole and sometimes i just don't see I was tagged, but I really appreciate every single tag! and I'm also severely depressed and sometimes I don't have the energy to do them, and when I finally do, it's a bit awkward to do it a month later ya know But yeah, I really love them!

17. do you like ask games?

Absolutely! <3

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Lots of them definitely are! It was so positively surprising when I saw they followed me <3

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

yes i do but please don't tell her although i told her many times

Also the way all of you are blogging is very sexy mwah <3

20. tags!

@georgerus63 @theizzyryder @bahrain-lights @neonastronaut @sebeestian @sirroscoehamilton ofc feel free to ignore my stupid ass and sorry if you've already been tagged! ❤

[aquarianlights]

I understand that some of your friends didnt want to mention that they thought you were socio because they didnt want to hurt you. But i think some allso maybe just "thought nothing of it" a bit like it was just a part of you and they love you anyways so its nothing they thought of mentioning.

I mean. . .how could they not think anything of it, though? I mean, I guess I understand. . .I’ve always been this way. And my really bad socio-oriented/psycho-oriented moments were when I was very young. Kinda...grew out of the really outwardly expressive side of my sociopathy in high school...switched back into it in the beginning of college while I lived in Jacksonville (if you go way way way way back in my blog like thousands upon thousands of pages and find posts from like..5+ years ago, you’ll deff see what I mean...But I am working on erasing all text posts and all personal posts and all posts that I commented on from the very first page of my blog all the way to my current one. That may take literal....idk, like half a year, maybe? Because my pages are in the 5 digits, I think. There’s so fucking many posts. Coz I go on fox spams when I feel badly...And when my queue is full, I just post ALL THE THINGS coz I can’t queue them...Lol. I have a FUCKTON to erase. Luckily, I’ve gotten through a good chunk of my very first handful of personal posts and wow I had to not read them because they were VERY sociopathic and holy FUCK was I cruel.....I mean, I don’t even know who that guy is anymore...It feels like someone else had control of my blog the past 4-5 years. (Technically, that’s true, but not in the sense I’m talking about...)

But now. . .Now I’m so much better and I have learned over the years to mimic emotions, mimic sympathy. . .and I am trying very hard to learn how to mimic empathy and learn social cues and learn how to read facial expressions. Coz I still haven’t mastered that...

But, that’s another thing...A LOT of my friends who either know me well/hang out with me a lot...or have lived with me for any length of time...KNOW that I have never been able to recognize facial expressions, body language, and social cues. I know this because every single one of them has gotten furious with me for it at at least one or two points in our relationships...Some people would get pissed at me every single goddamn time which was...almost every day. Some of my friends STILL get pissed at me for it, despite the fact they all know very well by now that I’m not just inept at these things, but I actually cannot process them chemically and get the chemical reactions that they induce them like normal people can. Like. . .if my friend is super, super, super angry at me. . .and is basically showing every single sign I can imagine (slamming things around, being snappy with me, glaring, basically looking like they want to strangle me, literally growling at me, almost crying in the sense that they’re hot angry tears not sad tears, fists clenched till their knuckles turn white, teeth gritted, words coming out in a deep, demonic, forced tone, yelling and screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, and sometimes they even physically pin me against walls to get the point across). . .and I still won’t have any clue that they’re angry. So I just keep going about whatever I’m doing which just makes them even more angry which then just leads to verbal and/or physical fights. 

And y’know how people sometimes do that thing where they laugh out loud at something when we are both in the same room and doing separate things? Or they make SOME sort of reaction sound or reaction motion and then quickly glance over at you kinda like (I’m assuming by now this means) “I want to tell you about this thing that I just read/saw/heard, but I don’t wanna annoy you or interrupt what you’re doing but at the same time, I literally HAVE to tell someone and you’re right there (or) you’re the person I want/need to tell and I need you to ask me what I’m reacting to so that it doesn’t make me feel like I’m interrupting you or annoying you” or whatever the fuck OR maybe it means something like “I heard/saw/read this thing that only you would understand and you’re gonna find it as hilarious as I did because only us two would understand so PLEASE notice that I’m reacting to this thing because I need you to ask me about it so we can share the inside joke together please please please” sort of thing...I’m not sure how accurate that is, but. . .from all the experiences I have had with people doing this, I THINK one of those applies to whatever situation/reaction. . .But like. . .I’m the type of person that if I see/read/hear something that I want to tell someone, I will turn to them and be like “HEY GUESS WHAT I JUST SAW/READ/HEARD” and then proceed to tell them or show them. Like...there’s no need to force people to play guessing games or mind reading...Yet, SO MANY PEOPLE seem to do the react thing!!! Maybe it’s because I’m friends with a lot of people who have anxiety....But even my friends who definitely do not have anxiety do this. Even some of my neurotypical friends do this!!! So what the actual fuck! If I can literally just say whatever the fuck is on my mind, why can’t they??? If I react to something I’m reading/watching/listening to out loud when someone is in the room with me and we are doing totally different things, I don’t want you to fucking ask me what I’m laughing at or whatever. . .Like, I don’t react especially for you. I don’t fucking react to something out loud simply because you’re in the room. . .I react to things out loud when they literally cause an audible/physical reaction from me. That’s all. Usually, I don’t want someone to ask me about whatever I’m reacting to coz I just wanna revel in the moment and enjoy it myself and not have to ruin my moment of laughter or anger and whatnot by going through the whole damn thing for them and explaining stuff or replaying the video or whatever the fuck. No, that’s...annoying af. Yet, EVERYONE seems to drill me with questions when I react out loud like that when we are in the same room and doing different things. BRUH. MY FRIENDS AND EVERYONE WHO INTERACTS WITH ME NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT’S EXACTLY LIKE IF I WERE IN A COFFEE SHOP OR LIBRARY WITH STRANGERS! If I react out loud by laughing or making an angry sound or saying “WHAT THE FUCK” or making hand gestures, no one is going to question me or drill me on what I’m reacting to! The most they are gonna do is fucking give me a strange look, coz...I guess normal people don’t react aloud in public spaces when they are alone??? Fuck, bruh, I DO. I’m an expressive fucking person and I give literally no fucks what people think of me. . .I react to things for MY OWN PLEASURE. Not yours. . .not my friends. If I want a friend or someone else to fucking join in on something that causes a reaction from me (which is, again, for my own pleasure), then I WILL TELL THEM! It’s NOT THAT HARD OF A CONCEPT TO UNDERSTAND. IF SOMEONE WANTS TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU OR DO SOMETHING WITH YOU OR ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT SOMETHING OR ASK FOR HELP OR FOR A FAVOUR OR WHATEVER THE FUCK....YOU. JUST. ASK. You don’t beat around the bush and hint at it...or make reaction/noises movements and then look at me expectantly. . .you don’t fucking whine about this or that to get me to ask if you need/want something or need/want me to do something... FUCKING HELL. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE JUST BE DIRECT ABOUT IT! Because I CANNOT TELL WHEN PEOPLE WANT/NEED ME TO REACT TO THEM because when I do those things, I sure as hell do NOT want anyone reacting to me coz that’s super annoying and burdensome. So. . .why the hell does literally everyone else in the world do this??? And it legit upsets me when people look at me expectantly like that after something they do or say that is not directly directed at me. . .Because I never know wtf to say or do. Idk if they’re just looking at me to look at me...Idk what they’re expecting from me. So...I normally just ignore them and keep doing whatever I’m doing. Which is what I would want people to do for me. But. . .for me, I woudn’t fucking look at someone expectantly after doing/saying something that is not directed at someone directly...Like...that just feels like fucking mind games to me and, no thanks, I’m not playing that game. Not today, Satan!

And then there’s the social cues for like “Please stop talking.” or “You’re annoying.” or “I really do not want to talk to you.” or “This topic makes me uncomfortable. Please can we change the topic?” or....basically anything like that...I CAN’T FUCKING TELL. Even if I could tell, the first three wouldn’t bother me and I’d honestly just keep going anyways. Or, if I didn’t want to talk to them or thought they were annoying, too, I’d literally stop mid-sentence and shrug and walk the fuck away and find someone else to talk to or something else to do. Fuck that. I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for me. But...it does bother me that I can’t pick up on the “This topic makes me uncomfortable.” bit coz then I may be triggering or hurting someone without knowing it and people don’t seem to speak up about those things and I don’t understand why??? Like, if something is bothering you, all you have to do is interrupt the person mid-sentence and say “This topic is really uncomfortable for me. Let’s change the topic. Soooo, how about that dog that just walked by? Cool fucking dog, amirite?” Stuff like that. Like...it’s REALLY not that hard! And then there’s the “I’m trying to end this conversation.” social cue that I fucking NEEEEEEEEEEVER notice...which, I understand this one is a common one with me because I am verbose af and I will go on and on for hours if you catch me in a talkative mood or if you bring up an interesting subject or a debate. Problem being, I switch topics so easy and my topics are all messed up and not in chronological order ever so like...I will start talking about A.. .suddenly switch to C without finishing A, go to E, come back to A briefly, “OH AND THIS THING-” going to B, “But...Fuck, wait...” going back to finish A entirely. “OH. I FORGOT ABOUT” touching on D, skipping to C and finishing that up...and then not ever even finishing E at all. BUT THEN SUDDENLY Z COMES IN OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE AT THE VERY END COZ IT JUST POPS INTO MY HEAD AND I’M LIKE OHHHHHH AND THIS THING TOO! And they’re usually ALL COMPLETELY unrelated topics....so....I can understand it’s confusing to people. Not to mention, I talk very quickly and I use a lot of “big words” that the “average individual” does not know and has usually never even heard of. So I’m SURE that I get the “Please stop talking coz we have been talking for literally 3 hours now.” cue a lot, but I generally miss it. And that’s how I end up abruptly seeing the sun rise around 7:30-8am and my roommate and I suddenly notice we have been talking on and on since 3am and neither of us noticed any time passing coz we are both verbose as fuck and talk the same and always have something interesting to talk/debate about. AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING....debating. I LOVE debating. And sometimes I will just turn a random, casual conversation into a debate coz civil, educated debates are super fun! And I’m really good at pausing, listening, absorbing all the information they say, processing it, changing my view/what I was gonna say, and then saying it while simultaneously thinking of the next thing to bring up in this debate and bringing it up at the end. . .all in like...the time it takes for the person to get through saying what they need to say. So I mean, I get that people probably want me to shut up after an hour or two of deep talking. I don’t do casual conversation. . .I don’t do small talk. Not with friends, not with professionals, not with coworkers, not with customers or clients, not even with complete strangers! I just can’t do small talk! It fucking bores me to death and I just can’t respond to something so simple-minded as “How about that rain today, huh?” Like, no, GIVE ME SUBSTANCE DAMNIT. I NEED SUBSTANCE TO TALK AND HOLD A CONVERSATION. FUCK.

Okay but those are just a FEW examples out of many where my friends (the ones who knew about this in particular) get upset with me for being what I thought was inept at these things, but as it turns out, I’m not inept. . .I am just literally incapable of learning/experiencing these things.

And I just absolutely do not understand human behaviour...at all. So many human beings beat around the bush, seemingly expect you to be a fucking mind reader, don’t vocalize what they’re feeling/thinking but give off weird body signals (I’m sure others can understand, but I can’t and just fucking SAYING IT is a lot more efficient and concise than doing a bunch of gestures/movements with your body!) and all this other stuff that I cannot understand! If something is on my mind, I voice it. If I can’t voice it for some reason (say, I’m in a psychotic episode/schizo episode, dissociating badly, on so many drugs that I’m legit delirious, having a bad panic attack [I don’t have anxiety; just panic disorder...so, no, I do not understand people with anxiety issues] or on the verge of passing out from an accidental or purposeful overdose/blood loss), I can either write it down or people can read me REALLY well through my eyes. Even people who are socially inept or even high functioning autistic can usually read what I’m thinking/need to express through my eyes. My eyes are not windows to my soul...my eyes are windows to my mind. They are big, bright, vibrant, and VERY expressive. In fact, they’re pretty much the ONLY thing on my face that is expressive. Everything else is...supposed to be expressive and I try to make it expressive...like with a smile or smirk...the raise of an eyebrow...the movement of my cheeks or tongue...Nah, none of that really comes off right or has enough versatility to express what I need/want to express. But my eyes....my eyes show EVERYTHING. You can legit tell if I’m lying or not just by looking at my eyes. They say if someone is lying, they can’t look you in the eyes. But I am such an impossibly good actor (only when I need to be---I most certainly do not act for fun coz I hate acting) and have had so much practice at being professional-level manipulative (to authority figures of all types, even psychs) that I most certainly can unblinkingly stare directly into someone’s eyes and lie right to them with the appropriate body language and facial expressions to match whatever lie I’m telling. NOTHING gives away my lies........except for my eyes. And, most of the time, you actually have to know me for a while and study my eyes for a bit to be able to tell because I’m just that good. But...now I have glasses, so it’s a lot harder. Psychs who work with me for a while oftentimes ask me to take off my glasses, part my bangs, and come closer to them (or they come closer to me) so they can gaze directly into my eyes when they are asking me a serious question. There’s no...like..eye twitching or anything. It’s apparently my pupils that give away most things and the directions in which I look when saying certain words. Like I said, I can look unblinkingly into someone’s eyes and focus directly on them and tell a lie/fabricated, believable story right to their face without faltering. . .but if they know about my pupil thing, I’m basically fucked. I also apparently blink oddly when I’m lying or trying to hide something. If I’m just trying to hide something, it’s REALLY easy to tell. . .because I will tend to look down, brows furrowed, mumble or growl my words, my eyelids will be half-closed coz I’ll be trying to hide my eyes as much as possible, and I will most likely bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them if I’m sitting. . .or I will hold my wrists where my scars are and play with a piercing I have or my hair if I’m standing. It was REALLY BAD when I had a septum ring and lip rings. Like....Tiffy knows this better than anyone: If I touch my septum ring and start playing with the ball. . .or if I started twisting my lip rings or licking at them with my tongue. . .I’m hiding something---usually an emotion or a problem or something I feel like I’m going to get in trouble/yelled at/hit for. Now all I have are my ear piercings. . .so I tend to squeeze my plugs. . .or twirl my industrial bar... if I go for the piercings at all. More often than not, I start pulling on my hair...HARD....oftentimes ripping out tufts in the process. But even then, my eyes are always my biggest give away. I could be perfectly poised with my body and face and extremities and tone of voice and confidence level and word choice and everything...never faltering. . .but if you look directly into my eyes, it’s damn easy to tell when something is bothering me or if I’m lying or if I’m hiding something or if I need to cry/have a breakdown and refuse to or if I’m angry and...everyone probably knows this, but the only thing that will give away me being high is my eyes. They get glossy/sparkly and my pupils turn into teeny, tiny, wee, barely-there, pinpoints. Most people won’t notice anything other than the glossy-ness coz people don’t normally associate constricted pupils with drugs. . .they normally think of dilated pupils when they think of drugs. So they completely miss the fact that pupils are INCREDIBLY tiny and constricted because they’ve obviously never been around a serious pain killer addict. The only time my pupils are EVER dilated is when I am completely 100% sober. And idk why that is, but people ALWAYS think I’m on drugs...the ONE AND ONLY TIME I AM NOT ON DRUGS. Simply because my pupils are always super dilated when I’m sober. I wish I knew why so I could fix it. And I wish my eyes were dark so people wouldn’t notice my pupil size change...UGH.

Oh...I don’t even know why or how I got on that topic...I guess there’s some random Killian facts for you. Pffft.

Anyways...Like...I understand them not wanting to hurt me. . .I get that, but if they’re truly my friend, they should KNOW I prefer them to be up-front and honest and blunt with me. I don’t want sugar coating, I don’t want someone to beat around the bush, I don’t want verbosity, I don’t want someone to “wait until the right moment”...Fuck, bruh, just grab me by the arm, say you need to talk to me, sit me down, and say it. Be concise and blunt with me so I get it. It’s like when you have to tell the family members of a patient/client of the patient that the patient in question has died. You can’t use “deceased” or “expired” or “they’re gone” or any sort of thing like that. The fucking FIRS THING YOU LEARN in med school regarding telling a client/family member about their deceased loved one...is that you MUST use the exact word “DEAD”. You do NOT use any other word EVER otherwise it just will not sink in. . .it will not be blunt enough and then they will feel confused and possibly even get their hopes up that there is something someone can do or that it isn’t real. You NEED to be concise and blunt to get the point across and shock them into realizing it’s definitely real. ...Among other things, but that’s a crash course in why you need to use the word “dead” specifically. Seems crude, seems cruel, seems uncaring, seems like the professional should “handle that better”, but no. No no no. . .that’s exactly what people need to hear. And that is what I need to hear! I need to hear blunt, concise, sentences and words telling me exactly what they think and what I need to hear.

EVERYONE who knows me knows damn well that I would MUCH rather be hurt/scarred/traumatized by the truth than living in blissful ignorance. EVERYONE knows that about me. I make it a POINT to tell people this practically the second I realize they are going to be in my life more than just a few times and that this friendship is going somewhere.

However.......Thinking it’s just a part of me and not worth mentioning.....It’s not worth mentioning that they suspect I’m a sociopath? That they think I’m the worlds next serial killer? The worlds next school shooter? The worlds next terrorist? I can’t even IMAGINE what other horrible things they’ve been thinking about me........

Coz I mean...if they just think it’s a part of me and love me despite my flaws....I’m sure they still have the thoughts like that in the back of their mind....and I’m sure they CONSTANTLY have their guard up because “the psychopath could snap at any time LOL!” Like....I’m dead serious. I’m almost 200% positive they’re all thinking that. Why? Coz I would be. I wouldn’t WANT to be. . .but I know I wouldn’t be able to help thinking all of those things. 

I am finding out that the people who really do and always have cared about me are accepting of my flaws and looking past the fact I’m diagnosed socio/psycho just like they did when I was diagnosed schizo/psychotic...I’m learning that they all know me well enough to know that I’m just me. . .and that being diagnosed as a sociopath doesn’t change who I am and have been my whole life. I mean, who knows...maybe it WILL change who I am in the future...Maybe the sociopathic part of me WILL snap and I WILL become a serial killer......That’d be so goddamn fucked up. And I.....Idk.

I can’t. I can’t type anymore. Talking about this is necessary, but it hurts. It hurts to be constantly reminded that I am a sociopath. It kills me to vocalize what I KNOW people are thinking. I know it’s necessary to do so...It’s necessary to talk about it and vocalize these things because it seems like NO ONE is going to fucking be honest with me about what they think of me....even if they claim they love me. This incident has proven that NO ONE in my life is going to be fucking honest with me about anything negative regarding me because they all think I’m still the sensitive, broken, shattered, little special snowflake I was my whole life. . .and they don’t wanna break me into a million pieces when I just spent the last 12 fucking year slowly putting all those pieces back together. . .only to have them smashed time and time again during those 12 years, turning them into tinier and tinier pieces. And now...12 years later...I finally got them all together and I have put some absolutely unbreakable super-glue on there. And people may be able to bend it...it’s malleable. . .but it’s never going to be broken, rebroken, and shattered again. By anyone. NOTHING anyone can say or do will harm me in a manner that will break me like that. Never again. I won’t let anyone or anything do that to me. I won’t go through the past 12 years again. Not even for a second. I won’t allow it. So really...anyone can tell me anything at this point....and maybe it will hurt...maybe it will bend the pieces a little or throw the glued together pieces on the ground...but as long as it stays together, which it will because there’s only one thing in the entire world that can and will break it and that is not happening any time soon, I can always pick it up, dust it off, and move the fuck on or address whatever I have been informed of and make some changes according to that thing.

It just...would have been really fucking nice to have had some warnings from people who claim to love me and claim to be my friends and claim to really, really, really genuinely care about me and claim to want to support me. . .instead of from a fucking crisis psych on the phone that is with an organization that has been tracking me for criminal activity all these years.......

I don’t mean ANY of this as an offense to anyone and ESPECIALLY not to you, nons. I am also NOT directing my anger at anyone. No one person. No group of people. And especially not you, nons. My anger is directed at the situation and how the situation panned out when it very well could have panned out a lot better, easier, and less psychologically startling.