#NOT TO MENTION IVE BEEN SICK FOR TWO WEEKS GOING ON THREE

[tristyndaroo01]

Sorry for not posting I feel horrible rn so have this doodle from 2 days ago

[reidmania]

hello!! ok so, i was wondering if i could request a fic that is based around autumn/ october/ halloween because spencer loves spooky season and i fuck with that, anyway, so could you tie that detail into smth kinda like your “everywhere everything” fic fluff wise because i went feral for that one lmao. feel free to ignore if youre not up to it, but i’d love to read what youve got if you do write this. 💙

EVERYWHERE EVERYTHING | spencer reid

part one, part two

summary; spending the week before halloween & going to the pumpkin patch with Spencer in your home town.

warnings; pure love sick fluff, talks about home towns, established relationships, fem reader, halloween, mentions of driving, rushed ending sorry!!

an; i decided to make this request a part two to the everywhere everything fic bc the next verse just fits so well i think?? but it can be read without reading the first part. and that whole song feels like love in autumn!!

im also australian and we dont celebrate halloween like americans do, ive never been to a pumpkin patch so please bare w me during this.

'Drive slowly, I know every route in this county, maybe that ain't such a bad thing I'll tell you where not to speed. It's been a long year and all of our book's pages dog-eared We write out the ends on our palms, dear. Then forget to read, we didn't know that the sun was collapsing 'Til the seas rose and the buildings came crashing. We cried, "Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh" Everywhere, everything, I wanna love you 'til we're food for the worms to eat 'Til our fingers decompose Keep my hand in yours'

"Slow down" You huffed out as Spencer turned down a road you knew all to well, it was familiar and came with a sense of home in place. It was the same road you remembered your father being pulled over everytime for speeding, the same road you had been pulled over on when you had first gotten your licence.

Spencer did as you told him, after sitting in the car with you for an hour mumbling about where was and wasn't safe to go a little faster than the speed limit, he knew to listen. This was your home, you knew it better than he would.

He even refrained from correcting some of your 'fun facts' abot your home town. Purely because listening to your excitement while talking about it made his heart too happy to say anything.

"You know we have gone past about three different pumpkin patches on the way" Spencer asked, raising his eyebrow softly as his head turned from the road to look at you for a moment before turning back to the road.

You rolled your eyes, a playful smile taking place over your lips. “Yes, but, this one’s the best. We are literally two minutes away. Please don’t complain.” You muttered with a smile.

The air between the two of you was warm. It lingered with peace and quiet love, the sort that didn’t need to be shouted from a roof top because it was whispered through the way Spencer’s hands reached to grab yours, the way his eyes danced between you and the road, the way the music playing was what you enjoyed rather than the normal radio he would let play in the background.

It didn’t need to be shouted because it was whispered through the way Spencer’s face lit up when he parked the car and looked out the window, the way he turned back to you with just about the widest grin you think ever possible, the way he leant in to place a gentle kiss against your forehead before he got out, walking around the car to open the door for you.

“Pretty right?” You grinned up at him as his eyes took over the scene, the leaves that covered the ground around your feet all the prettiest shades of orange and yellow, the scent of cinnamon filling the air around you, as patches and patches of pumpkins laid in front of you, all surrounded by a brown picket fence.

He just placed another kiss on your the top of your head, clasping his hand with yours, fingers interlinked between one another. The smile on his face and look in his eyes said more about his excitement than words possibly good — so you didn’t mind the lack of response as you began walking towards the patches.

“I wanna find the biggest one.” You mumbled out, looking around the large patches. There was families, friends, other couples surrounding you but your focus was on nothing but Spencer, and finding the biggest possible pumpkin.

Spencer snorted as he looked up at from patches, to look at you. He took in how you looked curled into one of his knitted sweaters, arms wrapped around your torso in order to shield you from the autumn breeze.

“I think that kid just took the biggest one”

You furrowed your eyebrows and spun your body to look behind you to where a kid was walking — To be fair the pumpkin his dad was holding was pretty big, but the smile on the kids face when he jumped around holding hands with his mum made you not mind so much.

“Well.. I’ll get the second biggest” You settled. Spencer smiled as he shook his head, tugging you slightly closer by your hand to pull you into his chest. His hand left yours as his arms came to rest around your waist.

You laughed, as your hands came up to his upper back and the back of his head gently. The two of you swayed side to side for a moment. “Happy?” You asked, silly question. You could feel it radiating off of him.

He pulled his head away to press his forehead against yours, his nose knocking yours lightly as he scrunched up his face for a moment, before pulling back to look down at your face. His lip quipped up into a soft smile. “Very.”

You lean back, his hands moving to hold onto your hips as his thumb slipped up under your sweater, his sweater. His thumb ran small circles over the skin in place. Your smile widened, heart exploding as your skin burnt under the cold of his fingertips.

“Come on, I want to find the perfect pumpkin. We should have a pumpkin carving competition this year, that would be so much fun” You rambled as you pulled away from his touch to walk around the lines and lines of pumpkins.

He laughed, “We should.” He agreed softly, because why would he ever deny you what you wanted, especially something to do with halloween.

He watched as you bent down to run your fingertips run gently along one of the pumpkins in the row: It was a decent size and probably would be simply to carve since he knew your mind was now hyper-fixated on the idea of pumpkin carving instead of finding the biggest possible pumpkin.

“Actually- Did you know each year 150 million dollars is made from pumpkins, and 98 percent of that is from people who purchase them to make jack-o’-lanterns, and 46% of amercia—”

“How many is that?” You cut off as you look up at him from where you were leant down to look at the pumpkins. He smiled.

“A hundred and fifty four million” He answered without even having to think about it. It never failed to stun you. You hummed allowing him to continue on telling you his facts.

“So 46 percent — Or A hundred and fifty four million people, in America make jack-o-lanterns every year. During Halloween the most reason for injury is actually because of pumpkin carving.” He stated.

You stood up, a soft smile on your face as you placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Well maybe people should be more careful. I’ve never gotten an injury while carving a pumpkin” You hummed out.

He snorted, taking your hand gently. “Have you ever carved a pumpkin?” He asked, raising his eyebrow.

You gasped, “Yes- Actually!! I have.” You said, your voice an octave higher than normally. He smiled, nodding his head in disbelief which only caused you to shake your own.

The rest of the day consisted of you and Spencer walking around the pumpkin patch, making jokes and laughing with one another, you even tried a pumpkin, cinnamon cookie from a stand nearby.. Safe to say you weren’t too fond of it.

But you were fond of the way Spencer’s eyes shone in a different sort of way when the two of you finally picked out a pumpkin each, the way his mood seemed unwavering during the fall season.

You loved him, and you loved halloween.

[helplesslyblue77]

You Can't Deny(That Beast Inside)

Genre: Smut, minors dni

Pairing: Hybrid!Felix x Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: Hybrid!Felix is a golden retriever, Friends to Lovers, heat - Freeform, Breeding Kink, Mentions of pups and all the usual stuff that comes(haha get it lol) with a hybrid au, Dirty Talk, hints of Sub!Felix but its mostly Dom!Felix. He gets a little posessive and crazy but we love it

Notes:

bro i love hybrid au's. they weren't something id ever seen out of the kpop fandom, and ive been in a LOT of fandoms. i wonder why thier so specific to kpop

Felix, your best friend of ten years, your lovable Golden Retriever Hybrid who always smiles and makes time for you no matter what, your crush of so many years is avoiding you. It hurts your heart to admit it but it has to be true.

It started three days ago, when you texted him, asking him to come over for your weekly movie night. You received this in response:

“I'm sorry, I can't make it this week.”

He had never, ever skipped out on your weekly movie night.

You had asked if he was ok, and he had told you he was fine, just a little sick. 

“Can I come over to help?”

You'd texted and promptly been shut down, rather harshly in your opinion. Fine, whatever. 

Ok, so maybe Felix was sick and just didn't want to get you sick as well. You believed that until you saw him at the grocery store, perfectly fine. You marched over to him, intent on giving him a piece of your mind, but to your surprise, he had practically run away from you. Without so much as a greeting. 

So you called Chan. 

“Is Felix avoiding me?”

He coughed and stuttered out. “N-no of course not, why would you think that?”

Chan was a horrible liar. 

“He ran away from me at the grocery store, and he won't answer my texts or calls.”

“He's just sick. It's not too bad, he just doesn't want to get you sick.”

You frowned, “If it's that bad, I should go over there—”

Chan interrupted you.

“No wait, he told us not to let you—”

“WHAT?”

“Wait name don't—”

That infuriated you beyond belief, so he was avoiding you huh?

You hung up, intent on giving him a piece of your mind. 

Too bad for him, you knew his address. So you collected yourself and stormed over there, opening the door with the spare key hidden under the rocks by the porch. The house was silent when you entered, storming down the dark hallway you slammed on the lights, shouting at the top of your lungs. 

“LEE FELIX.”

⊛⊛⊛

Felix felt bad about ignoring you, every minute apart from you tore at his heart, and your sad face as he had all but run away from you at the grocery store haunted him every moment.

But it was for the best. He couldn't be around you when his heat was approaching, it wasn't safe for you. He felt tense as if any minute he could jump on you and take you, with or without your permission and he would rather die than ever mess up your friendship, even if he wanted you, had wanted you for years now. 

Felix had resigned himself to being permanently stuck in the friend zone years ago, and yet he still hoped that one day, you would reciprocate his deep feelings for you, but he knew it was just wishful thinking. 

It had started years ago, these urges, and every heat since then Felix had barred alone, accompanied by only thoughts of you. It was dangerous to be near you when he was so close to his heat, your scent tempted him constantly, the pretty sundresses you wore exposed the crotch of your panties when you bent down, and Felix had to do his best not to take you over the kitchen table, in front of all of his friends.

Even if he knew they would enjoy it(Probably a little too much for their own good.)his sense of possessiveness couldn't let the other see you like that.

But it had been worse lately. You had been babysitting your younger cousin, a baby of only two and Felix had watched in agony as you practically glowed with the baby. He couldn’t help imagining the child was yours and the hybrid side of him longed to put his pups into you.

He knew you would look so good all swollen with his pups, and that was when Felix realized his heat was approaching and he needed to get away from you before he did something potentially disastrous. So he had locked himself in his room, in constant agony and accompanied only by his vivid fantasies of you.

So when he heard your pretty voice, shouting his name at first he thought it was just his fantasies. 

But the longer he listened, the more wrong it sounded. First of all, the tone was all wrong, you sounded furious and it was acconpanied by a loud slamming sound.

And then he smelled you, you're scent too fresh to belong to the small heap of your clothes he had been desperately sniffing. And then his kitchen door slammed and Felix realized you were here. In his house. Less than a wall was separating the two of you. Felix almost came right then and there, your scent overwhelming him as he humped desperately into the mattress, still fully clothed. 

You were stomping around his house, shouting his name and Felix hurriedly pulled himself out of his fantasies and bit his hand so hard it started to bleed.

The sharp burst of pain cleared his hand for a moment and he hurriedly stood up, trying and failing to hide the bulge in his pants, before giving up and taking a deep breath, exiting his bedroom.

You were furious, he could tell as you laid eyes on him, marching right up and planting a finger in his chest. Felix held his breath desperately trying not to lose it as you yelled at him. 

“Lee Felix, how dare you ignore me, your not sick—”

You were still yelling but all Felix could focus on was your pretty face, you looked so radiant when you were mad, and Felix would gladly get on his knees and worship you, let you step on his hard cock with your pretty feet or maybe you would slap him, and call him a pervert. He could be your good boy, he could do that. Or if you wanted he could beg you to sit on his face, he would gladly suffocate in your pussy.

That would feel like heaven.

Or maybe if he begged for it enough you would let him fill your pussy with cum, pumping his pups into you until you were nice and round and full, and—

“Felix! Are you even listening to me?”

Felix could help it, he let out a whimper. You frowned, finally taking in his flushed cheeks, his sweaty hair plastered to his forehead, his wrinkled clothes and most telling of all, the large bulge tenting the front of his gray sweatpants. Your eyes widened, and you stepped back hurriedly. Felix followed you, trying to be as close as possible to you, even if he knew he couldn't have you. You frowned, your back hitting the wall, and parted your pretty lips, asking him a question. 

“Felix? Are you in Heat?”

Felix pressed against you, and buried his face in your neck, breathing in your scent in large gulps, trying his best to memorize it before you ran out of the house in disgust.

You shivered a little and Felix groaned as he smelt the sweet smell of arousal emanating from between your thighs. The strings holding his sanity were thin, too close to snapping as you thrashed against him, rubbing your thighs together. You shuddered and ground out a question. 

“Felix? Do you need help? I can get someone—”

“No…”

He moaned out, his voice rough and deep and you whimpered. “Only want you, please…”

His tale swished back and forth, the soft yellow fur catching on your leg and you moaned as his pretty hands gripped your thighs desperately. “You…want me?”

The question came out haltingly, your brain muddled and overcome with arousal. 

Felix nodded against your neck. “Only wanted you, always. I love you.”

You gasped at the admission, your heart full, even as your empty pussy pulsed.

Felix whined against you, the scent of arousal driving him nearly insane. He was about to tell you to leave, you needed to leave before he lost it and fucked you against the wall, but then you grabbed him by the collar, dragging him into his room and shoving him onto the bed. 

“I love you too, Felix.”

He whimpered as you pulled off your shirt and skirt, your panties and bra hitting the floor. He made quick work of his clothes, and you stared greedily at his cock, gulping. 

You realized that Hybrids had, um, bigger dicks than humans, but you had never realized how truly big he was. Just the sight of it made your mouth water desperately, and another time you would have loved to have your mouth on it but right now, you just wanted it inside you, spearing your insides and rendering you nearly dumb.

You could tell Felix wanted the same, even as he waited patiently for you, you could see his impatience in how his hands gripped the sheets, ripping holes and he desperately held himself back, trying to not look too desperate. His tail was wagging back and forth, at an embarrassing rate and all he could see was you. He couldn't believe this was even happening.

After years and years of deserted hopes and dreams of you, he tried to hold on to as he woke to a cold empty bed, you were finally his, not Chans, not Jisung's, his mate.

Felix could smell your arousal scenting the air, and the sight of your naked body was just too much for him. He was about two seconds from just jumping on you and taking you against the floor but thankfully, you ceased his torture and moved on top of him gracefully, lining your entrance up with his tip. 

You were tempted to tease him, he looked too cute with that desperate look in his eyes, his cheeks flushed and his chest heaving up and down with the effort of restraining himself, but you didn't know if you would last, your arousal driving you nearly insane with want. So you spared him, easing down slowly on his cock, taking him one inch at a time. 

He was big, and the stretch was slightly painful but the pain only served to turn you on more, and when you looked down, and saw that only half of him was inside of you, you felt yourself tighten around him. Felix knotted his hands tighter in the blankets, letting you take your time. You felt so good, so tight, the hot walls of your pussy fluttering around him and your pretty moans filling the air.

Felix still half believed this was a dream. 

It took a lot of time, but finally, he was fully inside of you. You felt stuffed, unbelievably full as he pulsed inside of you, and you nearly came there and then as you looked down, noticing the bulge denting your stomach.

Felix was almost gone by now, his hybrid side so close to taking over and all he could think about was fucking you full of his pups, filling his precious mate up completely, and fucking you until you were moaning and screaming dumbly on his cock. 

Before he was completely gone, he made sure to grip your face, turning your eyes to his own. 

“Can I let go?” 

You shuddered, and leaned in, kissing him gently. “Yes, Felix. I'm yours.”

And with those words he was gone.

He lunged forward, gripping you close to him and he pounded your pussy desperately, moans and whimpers filling the air and mixing with your own. He set a ruthless pace, his thick cock felt like it was rearranging your internal organs with each thrust and you didn't think you would ever be able to go back. He had quite literally ruined you for another man. 

“Your mine, m-my mate. The others cant have you.”

At the mention of the others, you almost stopped him, but his words were slurred and desperate, and his possessive nature turned you on. You could almost feel your thoughts slipping away like he was fucking them out of you. 

“Oh Felix, y-yes I'm y-yours…” you interrupted yourself with a loud moan as Felix picked up his thrusts, humping into you with wild abandon. 

This desperate, possessive side of your Felix, who was always sunshine and smiles was new to you. It turned you on beyond belief. You could feel your high coming, feel the tense knot in your groin as Felix fucked you closer and closer to completion. You could feel his thrusts stutter as well.

You tried to warn him. “Felix, ‘m c-coming!”

He mumbled out more nonsense, interspersed with desperate moans as he sucked possessive hickeys into your neck. 

“Make sure the o-others know your mine…fill you up with my c-cum, breed my pretty mate full of my pups…”

His hand makes its way to your clit and you scream, fingernails leaving large scratches on his back. 

His thrusts turn sloppy and he ruts into you desperately, his moans mixing with yours. 

“So pretty, always been so p-pretty, and n-now you're mine.”

You whimper, gripping his shoulders tightly. Your high crashes over you, and you clench around Felix's cock, he stutters, shoving inside you one more time, and moans as he cums. You feel his knot swell inside you, locking his cock inside you as he cums and the extra stretch makes you orgasm a second time, clenching around Felix as he lets out an especially raspy grunt. 

He seems to cum and cum, his hand making its way down to your clit, and he rubs circles into it, prolonging your orgasm. You pull him down, sealing your lips as his cum pumps into your stomach. The kiss is all teeth and tongue and as your orgasm finally dies down, Felix’s still hard cock lodged in your stomach you feel beyond exhausted. Felix collapses on top of you, kissing your neck.

He hugs you fondly, his voice almost shy as he asks you, “Be my girlfriend?”

You giggle a little, how is this the same man who fucked you ruthlessly into the bed and still has his cock lodged inside you. You can tell he's pouting against your neck so you put him out of his misery, wrapping your arms around his naked back. “Oh course Felix.”

His cock is still hard inside of you, and you can feel yourself clench around him. He sounds almost cocky as he teases you. “Are you ready for more, Baby?” 

You slap his back. “How long do heats usually last?”

He smirks, pulling away as his hands and planting a chaste kiss on your lips. 

You wiggle, clenching around him. 

“About a week.”

You moan as he flips you around, entering you again from the back even as his cum drips down your thighs, wetting the bed below you. You're in for a long week. 

originally posted on ao3 on 2023-06-04

reposted on ao3 on 2023-06-08

[m00nsbaby]

Clumsy II.

Marc Spector + Steven Grant x F! Reader. Next part to "Clumsy." (Or Already Over IV)

Tags & warnings. You already know the deal lol + Marc is still a jerk. (Sorry btw) This is the last part of the mini saga. :)

Word count. 2.9k

Summary.

I let you down, I've been clumsy with your heart again, I guess you figured me out, Now here's a taste of my own medicine. Caught at the end of the lifeline, The catch of a lifetime. Oh, we were destined for danger, Familiar strangers.

Everything you had done for the past 2 years had been for Steven, reaching the point of having him as motivation to get out of bed.

Unfortunately, this day was no different. If you had managed to muster the courage to stand up and accept Jake's unusual invitation, it was purely for him.

The part about choosing a nice dress was a personal choice, though.

"So, then…?"

"4 o'clock sounds perfect." His voice was soft on the other end of the line. Not quite like Steven's, but Jake's voice had something… special.

Something that could make your cheeks blush just by hearing it.

"4 o'clock at your apartment then."

"Steven is excited." The mention churned your stomach.

Truth be told, you had been on autopilot for quite a while, even before Jake made his proposal. There were small details that brought you back to reality, even if it was just for a few seconds—seconds in which you physically felt the consequences.

"I'll see you in a bit, Jake." You hung up. You couldn't set his expectations too high. This wasn't going to be a romantic reunion or your way of saying, 'Everything's okay, it was just a misunderstanding.' Instead, it was your way of bringing closure to things with Marc. If it weren't for Jake, he would still cling to the idea that he doesn't need you in his life.

Knowing that at least more than one person was on your side had given you the strength to face it, and to question whether maybe you weren't the one who was wrong in this situation.

"It won't be long, buddy." You told your cat as he nudged his nose towards you. He meowed back. "Take care of the house, okay?"

Marc had been inconsolable for about two weeks now, and the news of Jake's arrival weighed heavier on him than any of the three would have liked.

It was just another way of reminding himself how messed up he was. If getting used to Steven had been an ordeal, this would probably be World War II.

He would scream at himself in the mirror or break anything that could show his reflection, depending on his mood. Meanwhile, Steven felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He stopped being the one who took care of Marc, at least for a few days, and he had time to experience his grief as it should be.

Jake was compassionate towards both of them. He somehow understood what they were going through.

"I don't want her here!" He drank from his whiskey, savoring the burn in his throat.

It was 11 in the morning. His hand moved on its own, throwing the bottle to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Idiot," he growled.

Steven said nothing, only chuckled to himself at the mere idea that Marc probably looked insane.

He'd let him argue with Jake as much as he wanted.

"It's for your own good." It was the only thing he heard back in his head, and Marc had to put both hands over his face as a way to console himself. He was drunk, with a terrible headache, and a strong urge to give up on life, although lately, that was nothing out of the ordinary. "Give me the body."

He accepted it without protest, and even the strongest of the three groaned at the sudden dizziness and the awful state in which Marc always left the body whenever he had it in his possession.

He showered, cleaned up. Did everything the other two hadn't been doing during these sick days, even answered your call.

And when he was done, his leg trembled up and down as he stared at the clock on his wall, which showed the exact 23 minutes left until your arrival.

And despite being the most prepared of the three, he nearly jumped in fright when you knocked on his door. Exactly three times to let him know it was you, something he learned from your secret techniques with Steven.

When he opened the door, both of you exchanged smiles, which was unusual. Yours was nervous, shouting 'I'm glad to see you but I fear what might happen,' and his, on the other hand, seemed quite excited.

Even more so when you hugged each other as a way of greeting, even if the contact only lasted a few seconds.

"I'm glad you came," he whispered as he closed the door behind you.

"I told you I would."

"Yes, I… yes." He cleared his throat; he could feel the burn as if he was still drinking whiskey. "Come in, let's go to the bedroom."

You filled your lungs with oxygen, enjoying the scent of Steven before nodding slowly.

"Is Marc going to…?"

"Yes." He interrupted instantly, biting his lower lip as if he was hiding something. He directed you to his bedroom, although you already knew the paths within his house perfectly well. "I need you to listen to me and trust me."

You frowned.

"Huh?" You entered his room slowly. And he closed the door behind you.

Your expression became even more confused when you saw him lock the door.

"Sorry, there's no way he won't escape if I don't do this."

"Jake?"

"Sorry," he repeated, stepping back.

Forcing the switch between them was always uncomfortable, especially when he had to put in double the effort to get Marc out, as he clung to hiding. Unfortunately for him, Jake was stronger.

You noticed the change in his expression almost immediately. You would recognize that furrowed brow anywhere, and while it looked slightly puzzled, he didn't take long to place himself.

When his gaze settled on you, Marc could swear his heart stopped.

He had spent so much time dreaming of you that he completely forgot certain details about you that were undoubtedly better in person.

"Marc?" You whispered shyly, almost fearfully. You hadn't seen him since he cruelly broke up with you.

Your heart raced, even after all the damage he had done to you.

"I have to… Uh." The air got stuck in his lungs. After several seconds of staring at you, he averted his gaze, stumbling clumsily over his feet to the door.

He tried to open it but it didn't give way. Jake had done his job well. He gave it another tug and grew even more nervous.

"Marc!" You called for his attention, your brow furrowing. Barely 3 seconds together and you were already losing patience.

This wasn't going well.

"What?!"

"Stop it!" Finally, he looked at you, and in a matter of seconds, it seemed like his eyes had welled up with fear. Did he fear you? You, who had to tilt your chin up to look him in the face because he was noticeably taller than you. "Stop it." You repeated, this time in a low tone.

"I don't want to talk to you, I won't."

Ouch.

"Either that or you'll have to break down the door, and Steven won't…"

"Steven doesn't even talk to me!" The sudden way he raised his voice made you jump slightly, and you pressed your lips together at the news.

Would it be wrong to admit that this was something you were expecting? You remained silent for a few seconds, and you swore you could hear his ragged breathing, as if he had the right to be angry with you.

"Jake won't let you out unless we do this now." You cleared your throat as you crossed your arms over your chest.

He cursed internally at how adorable you looked in that gesture.

"You and I have nothing left to talk about."

His words sent a wave of heat through your whole body.

"What did you say, Marc?"

"That you and I do…"

"You're an idiot," you whispered with a sarcastic laugh, and he finally fell silent. It had been so long since his ego had been hurt that he almost felt good about the slight pain in his chest. "You hurt me. Like no one ever did before."

He fell silent, waiting for you to continue, but he didn't let his guard down. You could see it in his irritated expression.

“You blamed me for… You blamed me for loving Steven. You let me live with the burden of thinking that I had destroyed your life.”

"You did." He whispered. It was visible how tense his body was, and you laughed sarcastically again at his words.

"Don't give me that, Marc Spector." You spat his name out with resentment. It was the first time you allowed yourself to be angry with him after forcing empathy for him for so long. "You got what you wanted. Layla? Your life made out of lies? Pushing Steven away from you?"

His expression finally wavered, even if it was only for a few seconds.

"Layla left me."

The news hit you like a bucket of cold water.

That made everything make more sense. The sudden appearance of Jake, his insistence on you talking to them, coming back. They were using you as a second option now that they had nothing left, trying to get you back as if nothing happened.

After all, you had always been the foolish one at Marc's service, willing to give up everything for him whenever he asked.

This wouldn't be one of those times.

You gathered all the strength you had in your small body to push him with both hands. He barely stepped back, stumbling in surprise at your sudden attempt to attack.

"I hate you!" Your voice broke.

His heart raced as if he had run a marathon, yet he didn't say anything.

"I hate you, Marc!" You sobbed, giving him another push. This time he didn't even move.

He stood still, and his hands trembled.

"Why are you doing this to me?" You were still the only one speaking. You sounded devastated, even more so than the day when you almost begged him for a chance. "Why?"

And, as usual, you got no answer. In fact, you got nothing; Marc wasn't even looking at you.

The truth was, despite having to deal with Steven and Layla telling him these kinds of things, coming from you was… worse. It was like a doubly more horrible shock therapy. The pain in your voice was something he had never heard before, and the truth was, he never wanted to hear it again.

You were choking him without even laying your hands on him. The words wouldn't come out, and his feet were rooted to the ground; he couldn't even look at you.

"You're killing me, Marc." You whispered as if the strength had left you. After receiving nothing from him, you knew it wasn't worth fighting, not with him. "You don't want to be with me." Admitting it aloud left a bitter taste in your mouth. "But you won't let me go. Don't you realize what you're doing?"

It was you, as usual, who crouched down. You sought his gaze, regardless of the mess you were in.

He looked back at you, and you waited.

You waited, and you waited.

When time passed, you knew what his answer was. Marc would never take a risk, or at least he wouldn't do it for you. He was too stubborn, and you doubted that he would ever lower his eternal guard.

The day Steven begged on his knees not to leave hurt, but somehow it was worse to receive silence from Marc. Knowing how little you mattered to him based on his actions.

"I understand," you whispered, wiping your tears with the back of your thumb. "Jake? Can you let me out?"

You reached out to grab the door handle, and he grabbed your wrist.

"Let go of me."

It sounded like a threat.

He, once again, didn't respond; he tugged on your wrist and almost made you let out a shriek as you collided with his chest.

Marc was so quick that you didn't even have a chance to react when his free hand positioned itself on your chin, pressing it between his fingers and holding it firmly.

Yet, you didn't protest; you let him guide you until his lips met yours. There was your answer.

When they finally kissed, tears welled up in your eyes again. In fact, you suddenly felt like you were drowning against his mouth, as if you wanted to groan but refused to break the contact between you two.

"I hate you," you said with difficulty against his mouth, trying to convince yourself of what you had said. He just made a small 'hmm' sound against your lips.

Apparently, neither of you trusted your words.

He let go of your wrist when he made sure you no longer wanted to touch the doorknob, but he continued to hold your chin. Eventually, he also took you by the waist and brought you even closer if that was possible.

His kisses were rough, so forceful that for a moment you doubted this body was the same as that of your ex-partner. Steven had never been like this. You also wondered if this was just a result of pain and desperation, or if his kisses were always like this.

With just two steps, your body was squeezed between his and the wall.

"I love you."

Your stomach turned.

"I love you." His kisses didn't allow you to respond. You wouldn't know this, but his fear wouldn't allow him to hear what you might say about it. "I love you." His fingers tightened their grip on your chin. "I love you." He sounded desperate. In pain.

You responded to each of his kisses, and you noticed that he needed a few more seconds to find calm.

"She left me because she knows I love you." He said quickly when he finally gave you a chance to breathe. His forehead rested against yours, and those big brown eyes were fixed on you. "S-She knows… She realized that…" He stammered. There was nothing more horrible for Marc Spector than expressing his feelings, giving explanations. "S-She…”

You were worth it.

You were worth throwing his pride to the wind.

"You took my heart when you left. You took everything." He admitted in a whisper and didn't receive an answer by his own choice.

He kissed you again as if his life was slipping through his fingers.

You didn't talk for the rest of the afternoon. You received all the kisses he had to give, and he allowed himself to feel your delicate hands on him. Massaging his shoulders at times or stroking his curls as you used to do for Steven.

His heart skipped a beat when he realized that you were doing it for him this time. You were taking care of him.

"Did you miss me?" His voice was so sweet that even with your face flushed from crying, you managed to smile.

Everything was so easy with Steven.

"I already told you I did." You laughed like a little girl who was recovering from a scolding or perhaps a tantrum. You even felt lightheaded, just like in many childhood instances when you had cried until your throat begged for a break.

"How much?" His fingers traced your waist, and you sighed at the familiarity of the sensation.

"With all my heart."

His eyes lit up at your words. Poor Steven had been through so much that he could swear this was a mirage or an illusion from his brain. There was no way you were really there in front of him.

As beautiful as ever.

"I bet I missed you more." You laughed again, specifically because you knew he meant it. You missed that smile so much that you decided to agree with him. You placed a hand on his cheek and nodded.

"I bet you did, love."

Steven could have burst with happiness right then and there.

"I have to go home, Steven." You spoke again, your thumb gently pressed against his cheek, right where his smile ended.

The news hit him hard. So much that you almost wanted to laugh.

He was terrified that you wouldn't come back, that you would consider this just a momentary mistake and nothing more.

"B-But I…"

"Sekhmet is alone." You corrected him with a slight smile, trying to give him the confidence he seemed to urgently need.

He nodded silently, looking like a sad puppy.

"Do you want to come with me?" Ah, there it was. His eyes were on you again as if he couldn't believe your offer.

No wonder you had never doubted Steven's love. The guy looked at you as if you were the most beautiful thing his eyes had ever seen, even after everything that had happened, not to mention the 300 times he had apologized to you for something he hadn't done.

"Can I, love?"

"You can spend the night there."

Silence. Seconds of silence before he nodded so quickly that his curls fell onto his face, making you laugh.

A genuine laughter that lit up your entire face, much like the one he had caused on your last date when he lifted you up in his arms and Sekhmet entered their lives.

Steven felt his heart skip a beat and his cheeks turn rosy.

"Let's go!" He gave you a little nudge, and you laughed again. "Jake can drive."

[thetorturedbuckydepartment]

chapter two: the arrival

pairing: Bucky barnes x plus-sized!SHIElD!reader

masterlist

summary: being a SHIELD agent, you have a knack for analysing people, particularly when it comes to attraction. you have everyone figured out, sorted away into the boxes you've created. But there's one man you can never seem to figure out, the very bane of your existence -- Bucky Barnes. On the field, he is a saint, helping you dodge bullets and taking knife wounds in your name. Around the building? Public menace number one, always poised to insult or to spar with you.

After being sent on a 6-month-long torture-cum-vacation with the very man, could all this change? Could you finally figure out what has been bubbling beneath the surface for years between the two of you, the juggernaut that you know you cannot stop?

warnings:  language, heavy mentions of sex, brief and non-specific mentions of Bucky’s past

word count: 2.9k

taglist: @cjand10 @mcira

PREVIOUS PART

A/N: so excited for you guys to read! sorry ive been MIA recently -- the first half of august will be extremely stressful for me as I have my drivers theory test on the 10th, then I find out if I get into uni on the 15th, hopefully all goes well but you never know!! so for that reason, I haven't been able to write much since posting the first chapter, so updates might be every 2 weeks or so! im so sorry </3, but as always, please let me know how you're finding the story!!!!

The wedding band offers you a strange comfort as you twist it around and around your fingers, staring out of the window of the private jet. It’s a simple golden band, with your initials and Bucky’s engraved onto the inner edge. You hate it, but are too ashamed to vocalise it. It was less than a week ago that you were sobbing on the floor about pretending to be married, and now the wedding band, his initials rubbing against your skin on the inside of it gives you solace?

Bucky notices, because of course he does. He moves to sit directly in front of you, and you turn to him. Officially, the two of you are on the clock now, and so you keep your face impassive, instead of scowling or staring angrily at him. He leans back in his seat, shoving his hands into the dark leather jacket you’re all too familiar with, slouching. He’s wearing jeans the same colour as his eyes, and a red henley that’s just peeking through the top of the jacket. Average, suburban white guy, with a bit of New York flair. 

“You’ve been avoiding me all week.” He states simply, like it’s the most abhorrent fact he’s ever had the displeasure of narrating. You nod, trying your best to not let a snarky remark sneak past your lips, currently coloured in a sheer red. 

“I don’t want to get sick of you too soon. It’s the longest we’ve ever been on any mission. You remember Bucharest, right? How we were almost at each other’s throats in two weeks, and because of us poor Sam spent a week in the medbay? I don’t want that to happen again.” He glances down at the memory, as if humiliated by the outcome of that mission. You know you are — you still check Sam’s hands to see if he’s still healing. You assume he’s done with talking to you and turn to stare back out the window, admiring the green fields and fluffy clouds.

“I understand. But that means we haven’t talked about anything. Like our cover story, how I proposed. Or how affectionate we’re going to be with each other.” 

“Well, you’re still going as James Barnes, aren’t you?” Realistically, you should’ve said The Winter Soldier. That’s what you mean, and he knows that. But you can’t bring yourself to say it, to remind him of everything he’s trying to escape from. It seemed to be an unspoken boundary between the two of you, that you’ll never throw that title in his face, especially when you’ve seen the way he retracts from society and begins to shake in his seat at those three words, regardless of who uses them. His past, before you knew him, you decide to leave untouched. You couldn’t live with yourself if you belittled him and shamed him for things that happened to him, things that he was never in control of.

You’ve read the case files. You know the atrocities. You can’t do that to him. Even if he chose to cross that line, you can’t wound him in such a way, especially not for petty revenge. You want to annoy him, yes, but you don’t want him to truly ache irrevocably because of you. For some reason, you can’t bring yourself to do that to him.

“Yes. And you’re still going as you?” You nod, gears turning in your head.

“We can say we met in Wakanda, and we were friends for 5 years. You were hopelessly in love with me the whole time, obviously. But I only started seeing you as more than a friend after… we went to a friend’s wedding together, and I didn’t have a partner so I dragged you along with me. When they exchanged their wedding vows, I realised that what you and I had was special, and that you’re ridiculously handsome. And the rest is history.” You shrug, hating that you’ll have to admit to his stupid, pretty face that he has a stupid pretty face.

“How’d you come up with that? You don’t really seem the romance type…”

You think for a moment, reabsorbing the insult that you almost fire at him. Is he implying that you’re a slut, again?

“Just because I’ve never been serious about anyone before, doesn’t mean I’m a heartless monster, James. I’ve read books, and seen TV shows. I prefer romance, to remind myself that somehow, sometimes, men can be at least decent.” Your eyes bore into his then, silently expressing your anger. “And I’d really appreciate it if half of your insults toward me aren’t slutshaming. Keep it to yourself.” You can’t help it.

His eyebrows furrow, and somehow he looks even sexier. God, you hate how your sexual attraction toward him peaks when he’s civil with you. “What? I’ve never…”

“Yes you have, don’t lie. Almost every other sentence you say to me, you mention me sleeping around. Now, I don’t give a fuck what you think, but it’s beginning to get annoying. You wanna get your marks up? Find some new material.”

“Butterscotch, no. That’s—That’s not what I mean. You’re the only person I’m ever around who’s had so much sex, but it’s not a bad thing. Definitely not a bad thing. It just genuinely seems to me that whenever I see you, you’re always planning to hook up with someone. That’s why. I’m not shaming you for having sex, do whatever the fuck you want. I’m sorry if I made it seem otherwise, or if that’s why you hate me.” You’re constantly shifting between staring out the window, and at him, but when he apologises you can’t help but give yourself whiplash, wondering if he’s joking.

A million more questions circle your mind, and your anger flares up before you can stop it. You stand up, walking over to where he sits. He watches your face, as you grip the armrests and lean down so you’re uncomfortably close to him. He gets flustered so quickly, it’s another one of your favourite weaknesses of his to exploit. “You think that’s why I hate you? I hate you, because you’re an arrogant, self-centred bitch, who’s only ever treated me like shit.” In truth, he’s only arrogant and self-centred when it comes to you. To everyone else, he’s as sweet and humble as they come, and that’s what bothers you the most. 

That he’s chosen to have some personal vendetta against you from the very first night he met you, when you tried to be kind. You greeted him, smiled at him, bought him a vinyl player and limited edition vinyls from the 40s in mint condition for his fucking birthday, and all he ever was, was cruel to you. He scowled, he turned away from you. He all but threw your thoughtful gift across the room and fled from the birthday party.

That was your breaking point, when you decided that he’s not worth it. At first, you gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was fresh out of Wakanda at the time, and you thought that maybe he was just having trouble reintegrating into society, what with the hell he’d been through. But then, you noticed the way he spoke to Nat with a wide smile on his face, how he loved to laugh with the other agents, and you noticed it was just you that he was still closed-off and horrid to. That’s when you began to be cruel, began to insult him and scowl right back, mirroring his expressions 

You’d never done it before then, but it felt so natural, so deserved. And then it had become second nature, as easy as blinking, or finding someone new to sleep with. It’s even more embarrassing to admit that you’d found yourself, for the first time, having strong and true romantic feelings for someone, and then he shut you down like that. How could you not? With a face like that, and an unwavering passion in those cobalt eyes, how could you not form some semblance of attachment? 

You briefly remember the way you’d acted around him, like a giggling schoolgirl who’s just dipped her toes into the dating world. How naive you had been, how foolish. It all just makes you grimace now, fuelling the flames of your hatred all that much more.

He searches your eyes, trying to dig beneath all the malice. As if you’d let him. He must know that to poke the bear is futile at this stage, because he decides to change the topic.

“And what about me proposing? How long have we been married? Where did we go on our honeymoon?” Your faces are so close…if he were half a decent person you wouldn’t leave any room for him to even breathe at this current second.

“Don’t tell me I’m gonna carry all the braincells on this mission, Barnes.” You retreat back to your seat, slumping over yourself, trying to ignore all of the bitter memories that have just been dragged to the forefront of your mind. 

A brief silence descends over the two of you, and you swivel your attention once again to the landscape outside, buckling your seatbelt as the flight attendant announces that you’re about to land.

“One day, I asked you over to my apartment, on our three year anniversary. December 22nd. I cooked you your favourite meal, chicken biryani with that raita that you like, and red velvet cake for dessert. It was a candlelit dinner in my tiny apartment, with a red tablecloth the same colour as your dress. After the dinner I asked you to marry me, reciting stanzas and stanzas of prose about how beautiful and amazing you are, and how in love with you I am. Then, we made love until dawn, obviously.” 

A smile graces your face at his last words, at how innocent he appears when he refers to having sex as making love. The sentiment is sweet.

His seeming innocence catches you off guard at times — he’s been amongst all the agents and Avengers for eight years now, as opposed to your 13. The agents are always throwing themselves at him, especially those not into women, at all. You’ve often assumed he hooks up with most of them, seeing as Steve’s often recounted stories of what a charmer he was back in the 40s. And when he’s nice, you doubt anyone could resist him.

So why does he seem so new and inexperienced to most things? Another mystery you can’t be asked to solve.

“God, you’re just dying to have sex with me, aren’t you?” You tease, letting your grin  mould into something a little more sadistic, indicating that the thick, putrid air of a few minutes ago has passed.

He rolls his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself, the story pretty much requires it.”

You nod in mockery. “Uh huh, of course. You pervert, we’re not going to tell anyone that. The idea of premarital sex will probably give half the kids in those suburbs a heart attack.” His eyes rake up and down your figure, and you give him your most salacious grin. You usually reserve it for men across the bar, when you catch them checking you out. It’s reserved for inviting them over for casual conversation and bathroom sex.

On Bucky? It flusters him to hell and back when he’s on the receiving end of it. Just like it is right now, as he tries desperately to hide the blush that’s spreading quickly across his cheeks. He swallows, and you watch his Adam’s apple bob against his throat in an almost predatory manner.

It’s in moments like these you’ve often thought about hate sex. Specifically with Bucky, about what it would be like to pull on his hair, to boss him around like you usually enjoy to. Would he listen to you? Or would he bark orders of his own at you, gripping at every inch of you desperately? But you’re scared, because he’s the first person to ever make you want to pursue them romantically, and you’re scared all the hate will melt away with every gentle yet scorching touch, leaving you vulnerable.

You hate being vulnerable.

“We’ve only been married a month, and we went to Spain for our honeymoon. We just got back two weeks ago to finish packing.” He completes, and it seems simple enough. You notice how his voice shakes ever so slightly, still influenced by the way you look at him, and the way he refuses to make eye contact. 

“Sounds good. We’ll stick with that then.” You offer, not bothering to look at him twice as you leave the jet and step into the family sedan that Bucky’ll be driving.

You sigh as you sink into the passenger seat in a car that smells too clean, staring out the window as if bored. You wonder if either of you will be able to not kill the other in these six months.

In your mind, you either fuck or fight it out. There’s no other way you’re emerging. 

You wonder which option he’d choose, studying him as he settles in beside you, so close that you can smell his cologne. He’s taken off his leather jacket and shoved it to the backseat, exposing his arms and—his left arm is no longer metal.

He catches you staring — he’s always looking for an excuse to stare at you. “Fury handed it to me after the initial briefing. It fits over my arm like a second skin, so it looks normal. I’m supposed to be trying to get back that normal life, remember? Fury said it’ll help disillusion and distance me from The Winter Soldier in these civilian’s minds.” Somehow, it sends a pang through your heart, still, at the way he’s trying to not lose his shit and start crying at even the thought that they’ll still see him as an empty weapon, a vessel for unimaginable evil. You soften.

“Here, let me drive — you just learned what a car was, like, six months ago. Plus it’s manual. I know Steve only let you learn automatic. Come on, stop being a bitch and switch with me.” You’re goading him, holding out your hand for the keys as he blindly stares at the console, trying to process how you know that fact about him. 

Steve and you are close, best friends even. That’s why. He turns off the engine and does as he’s told, mind probably currently too occupied with awful memories to register you’re being soft with him.

As you settle into the driver’s seat, adjusting the mirrors as he stares down into his lap. “Besides, when you walk in there unarmed and without a murderous look on your face, they’ll know, James. It’s been years.” Your tone is too gentle, too gentle considering your history. But you can’t help yourself, and you let your hand gently touch his arm even though he won’t feel it. He looks up, and you see his eyes brimming with tears.

“But what if it doesn’t work? What if they see right through me?” His voice is so small, unlike any tone he’s ever taken with you.

“It will. It will work, they won’t see right through you. If they know who you are, you know they followed your trial, your rehab in Wakanda. They know you were pardoned. And they’ll know when you treat all the kids with respect, because you’re good with them. When you help the seniors cross the road, when you help the sexy neighbour with her groceries. They’ll know, because you’re good. You have a good heart, and you treat almost everyone you know with nothing but love and affection. Just because I’m not on the receiving end of it, doesn’t mean I can’t see that. Trust your gut, James. It’ll all be fine. And if I can pull off being in love with you, they’ll definitely see it too. I’ll sing your praises to everyone in town, I’ll do everything to convince them if I have to. Because that’s the only way our cover will work. This is official business, James. This isn’t you and me around the Tower, or sparring in the gym. Just trust me here, okay?” You don’t know why you’re sympathetic, you don’t know why you care. You don’t know why you’re saying all of these things like you’re falling in love with him, all you know if that he’s falling apart and you have to try and stop it.

You have to try and be there for him, gripping his hand between both of yours, trying to offer a physical reminder that he’s in the car with you, not back in that horrid lab or in the sterile courtroom as some bald, red-faced lawyer tries to write him off as the most heinous cretin to disgrace this planet. You look at him and he looks at you and the tension is almost palpable, like you could cut it with a knife. You have no idea what’s happening to you.

“Okay.” He says quietly, his thumb stroking the side of your hands. Sam beeps the horn behind you, him and Steve posing as the movers and carriers you and James have hired. 

It startles you out of the moment, reminding you of your rapid heart, beating so fervently against the jail of your ribs that you feel it in your fingertips. You turn to the road ahead, signalling to the PARKER PACKERS AND MOVERS truck towing behind you. You swallow, hopefully taking any softness for Bucky along with it.

It’s going to be a long six months.

NEXT PART

[justalildumpling]

chapter 26: my soulmate

wc: 0.6k

If Jeno was going to be completely honest, he had no fucking clue what he was doing — partially due to acting upon his fight or flight response when you had mentioned the whole girlfriend ordeal. 

It wasn’t like he had never thought about making the two of you official (who was he kidding, he thought about it almost every day). But as a certified simp and part-time samoyed puppy, he wanted everything to be perfect, and if perfect meant standing on an empty beach digging up a pretty pathway and scattering rose petals for the past three hours, he would do it.

It had been around half an hour since he had texted you to come to this very specific beach — which he spent every minute anxiously fiddling with the bouquet of roses in one hand and fixing his wind-swept locks in the other. However, when he spotted your car pull up next to the boardwalk, he realised that he was not prepared for this moment, especially seeing the way your eyes sparkled as you met his gaze.

There was a little cute skip in your step as you hurriedly down the steps and to his position on the beach, your white cocktail dress dancing in the wind and the corners of your lips gradually rising as you got closer. 

Jeno could almost see the wedding arches and bells in the background, almost dropping the bouquet on the sandy surface as his hands instinctively reached out to hold you in some way.

“Jeno, what’s with all this?” You squealed, receiving the roses from his shaky grasp.

It was tranquil in that moment for the boy, with the girl of his dreams inhabiting the most beautiful smile and sharing the sweetest gaze with his little self, like all anxieties had washed away with his eyes crinkling into crescent moons and the words of “Will you accept to be my soulmate Y/N?” tumbling out of his lips without a second thought.

Your mouth parted for a split second, eyes hammering with a sense of shock and delight before a soft look adorned your face, “You finally accepted the soulmate request huh?” 

Jeno rolled his eyes, “Who says we can’t be both twin flames and soulmates?” 

You smiled, placing the bouquet on the sand before enclosing your arms around his neck, “Maybe we can test that theory,” you leaned closer into his ear, whispering the next few words, “I heard that if you kiss me and the world doesn’t blow up, we were made for each other.” 

Jeno could only chuckle, shaking his head, “You’re always full of surprises aren't you?” 

“Well, clearly you liked the suspense so now we’re here aren't we?” 

You scrunched your nose in glee, your giggles tickling his lips before he closed the gap. It almost felt like a scene out of a movie, with the waves crashing into the sand not too far into the distance and the rose petals once scattered neatly onto the path circling their figures from the wind and most importantly you, the way your laughs sounded so melodic in his ears, your perfect smile glistening in the golden sunlight and how he could finally call you his. 

Jeno didn’t vibe with chaos and unpredictability. But weirdly enough, the suspense and wrecking ball of events you had brought into his boring old life he found himself compelled to. And for the first time, he found himself agreeing with Chenle and his weird beliefs of the universe because a part of him began thinking that he had indeed found his soulmate, his other half, his twin flame.

masterlist || previous | next 

pairing: jeno x fem! reader

synopsis: chenle was convinced that his two introverted friends were destined for each other, so what does he do? bribe them to text each other of course ⎯ or alternatively, when jeno started to fall for an anonymous mutual friend of chenle's

genre: social media au, strangers to lovers, college au, FLUFF, crack

warnings: swearing

note: sorry for the delayed and short updateKAEBFOWWGBW ive been sick for the past week and been stuck in the worst writers block ever😭 but GUYSSSS the finale's next week can u believe it????

taglist: open! feel free to send an ask or comment to be added :))) ~ @babyjenono @btssf9nct @baekksore @411star @jenyoonoh @igotkpoops @calumsmut @hs825 @liliansun @raikea10 @loveleejn @luv4jeno @rosabella1009 @ismileeprnc-responder @jenoists @222brainrot @sexygrass @culterycollector @kikookii @minkyuncutie @mrsyixingunicorn10 @tytrackfebreze @sehunniepot @choi-beomgyulvr @jaeminnanaaa17 @multifandomania06 @aerislovjeno @spilled-coffee-cup @artstaeh @tddyhyck @jeongintwt @aerivrs

permanent taglist: ~ @xxxx-23nct @maeumiluv @produmads @shwizhies @polarisjisung @dearlyminhyung @wooyoung-a @w3bqrl @daincty @deehyuck @ficrecnctskz @rv7hsua @n0hyuck @neosdaisy @baekhyunstruly @barbkh8450t @cupid-yuno @rum-gone-why @mxnhoeuwu @dinonuguaegi @alethea-moon @klovmasworld @haechansbbg @moonchele

[maykitty]

Trafalgar Law x Reader: Medicine

Warning: mentions diabetes, an incorrect dose of medicine, and sickness.

You felt ill since starting your new medication. You had the common symptoms like nausea, stomachache, and headaches. You have been taking injections for the past three days to help lower your blood sugar “You ok y/n?” Penguin asked. You look up and say “Oh yeah it's just my medicine”. “You know if this gets worse then you should see the captain”. He replied.

“No, it's fine there common side effects,” you said back. You had an issue with diabetes for a while and starting these injections was supposed to help. You read the instructions and injected the medicine as you needed. You didn't want to bother your captain with this issue. Law knows about your condition but doesn't control your medicine as you asked.

But you still felt sick after 3 days.

“Everyone, we are heading to shore to get supplies,” Law said. You finished your duties and got ready to drop anchor. The island was a cozy place with small shops and restaurants.

You and Law decided to spend some time looking around together.

He was hoping to find some medical books and Sora mech. You were looking for some crafts to do during your free time. While looking around you started to feel weird almost lightheaded. “Wha-” before you could say anything else you blacked out. “Y/n did you find what you wanted?” Law said heading back to you.

Seeing you on the ground, he rushed over trying to wake you up. “Y/N, Y/N, Y/N!!!” he said panicked. When you didn't wake up, he picked you up and ran back to the ship. “Hey, why is the captain holding y/n?” Bepo asked watching you two. You woke up in a bed with an IV bag attached to you.

“What happened?” you asked. “You passed out,” Law said sitting next to you. “I don't know what happened,” you said. “Have you been taking your medication?” Law said “Yeah, as I was told” you replied.

“I’ve been taking it for 3 days now,” you said. “Wait-, 3 DAYS!!!” he shouted angrily.

You were scared by his outburst not knowing what you did wrong. “YOU IDIOT, THE MEDICINE IS SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN ONCE A WEEK” he yelled. When he said that you realized what happened and why you passed out.

“Do you realize you could die from injecting too much?” he said angrily. You had misread the instructions leading to unconsciousness. You were an idiot and nearly lost your life. “I'm sorry” was all you could say before Law left the room angry. You sat in bed thinking about the trouble you caused after being reckless.

“Hey y/n, I'm here to give you some food,” Bepo said. “Thank you,” you said softly. “Bepo, I screw up badly and now Law hates me,” you said sadly. “Captain doesn't hate you he was just scared something bad happened to you,” Bepo said back. “Captain worries about you out of love”. He added.

“This is the one thing I didn't want to happen.” “I took the medicine by myself so that I wouldn’t be in the way of the captain’s duties”. You explained. “You still should have asked him to help, something worse could have happened to you.” Bepo finished. You ate trying to increase your blood sugar to prevent hypoglycemia. “I'm going to found Law,” you said getting out of bed.

You headed to your shared room and knocked on the door. “Law, can I come in?” you asked. There was silence until you heard “yes”. You open the door and see Law sitting on your shared bed. You sat next to him on the bed and said “I'm sorry for my mistake”.

“You have died,” he said back. “I could have lost you” he added. You felt horrible at the thought of leaving Law behind due to your stupidity. You hug him wanting to make him feel better even those you were the one sick. “I promise to never be reckless again with my health,” you said.

There was a bit of silence until Law spoke up and said “Next time come to me when you take your medication so this doesn't happen again.” Law said upset. “I will” you replied in his arms. It is going to be a long week for you but as long as Law is there for support things will get better.

[aropride]

long vent post abt covid + my sister

i genuinely dont know when the last time my little sister wasnt sick for more than two weeks was. im trying to remember but i cant . its been almost constant since she got covid in dec2021. and she has all these new allergies and symptoms and stuff she had as a baby came back after. and my parents are like antivax antimask "its just a cold" conspiracy theorists and they arent going to protect her they only got her her mandatory vaccines bc our doctor finally made them and theyre convinced shes always sick bc of the vaccines and not bc of covid. and i know theres nothing i can say or do that will get through to them. and i know my sister doesnt understand Why shes sick all the time so of course shes going to believe our parents because shes a kid why wouldnt she believe them. and i know eventually she'll figure out why shes so sick. when long covid gets talked about more when i figure out how to explain it to her etc eventually she'll find out and it's going to like. ruin her view of our parents and the world at large

and i spent my whole childhood since the day she was born making it like my lifes mission to keep her safe but i had no hope of protecting her against this there was no way i could have done much but my parents could have and should have and now they blame it all on the vaccines its because the doctor gave her vaccines no it isnt!!! no it is not!!! and every time i see her or facetime her or she sends me an audio message i hear the crackle in her throat and i dont know if it will ever go away

and if youre not looking for it youll miss it but if you go in public and sit and listen .youll hear the coughing and sniffling and the crackle in people's throats. i keep my windows open bc my dorm gets too hot and all day i hear people walking by and coughing. my only other covid cautious friend has noticed it. none of my non cc friends have. but i swear to god it's there sit in a library for a few hours and listen it's there it gets worse every year. and nobody even notices and people look at you weird when you mention that everyone's been getting sicker recently

but they are they fucking are ive read the studies ive looked at the data. everyone's sick all the time and they dont even notice it they go "it's the freshman flu" "it's allergies" you arent even a freshman you dont even have allergies. "man ive just been so short of breath recently" then i'm the crazy one if i say the obvious reason for that. i feel fucking crazy i know im not im looking at the studies im looking at the data im learning the science but nobody will listen

i share covid data and protection and everything on instagram all the time im always talking about it because im always thinking about it because i hear it everywhere and nobody listens nobody is masking and i dont understand why i dont understand how - i heard someone cough out my window just now - i don't understand how social pressure can win over the objective truth when the objective truth is killing and disabling people. how do people not care??? i need people to care one-way masking is better than nothing but so much could have been prevented if people would just put on the fucking mask

what am i even supposed to do when everyone's just accepted being sick forever when people dont 'even notice how fucked up their bodies are becoming when people seem to think it could never happen to them and they don't seem to care that they can and will pass it to other people even if they never are symptomatic . how are we supposed to live like this??? are we going to reach a breaking point or are people just going to fucking die forever??? what will it take for people to start masking again??? to start caring???

i dont know what infection number my sister is on. three that i know of for sure but i'd be shocked if she hadn't had it at least five times. shes thirteen . i dont know what to do

[kiyocuck]

silly

ok im sick as hell and unfortunately also very bored so im gonna write down some silly naeishimondo scenarios ive been brainrotting for a while

Makoto being sick like me and staying home, meanwhile both taka and mondo barge into his house, bringing in homemade soup and tea (both of which makoto already got), and while they're being sad over the fact their favorite little guy wont be at the academy with them for the rest of the week, komaru steals the soup and tea cuz she woke up sick too (from makoto). An alt ending is them giving makoto a Liiiittle kiss on the forehead, both of them thinking they wont get sick, and waking up with 40°C temperature the next day

Them all going to mondo's house for a hangout-sleepover bcuz hes the only one of the three with a queen-sized bed (lil context, after mondo quit being a biker gang leader [in a universe where daiya is alive cuz fuck you] him and his brother move to a more. "calm" place, just the two of them. they still hangout w the other gang members though). they all watch movies and taka drops dead snoring the second the clock hits 10pm bcuz his brain cant handle staying up later for "no reason" (he has pulled all nighters when it comes to studying). mondo falls asleep second, and makoto just watches them sleep peacefully before snuggling between them and going to sleep too (imagine cringing over what ur writing help)

Going home in the snowy weather after shopping all evening (taka made them both come with him). theyre all holding equal amount of bags, until mondo grabs them all and speedruns to their house cuz hes FREEZING, and boy oh boy does he not like the cold at all. after that he sticks himself to the heater for like 10 minutes, while makoto and taka think to themselves that he looks like hes purring next to it (they both assigned him a catboy in their heads cuz it makes him 10 times cuter (also my version of him has a default >:3 face that all owada family members have (its more noticable on daiya but still))

Continuing the last one, theyre cooking together now!!! mondo kinda sucks at it, makoto is trying his best, and taka is this 🤏 close to chewing a brick over how they cut the vegetables (they look chunky (his autism can't stand it, meanwhile their autisms dont care/dont even notice it (no im not projecting not at all))). eventually they make a nice meal (of unknown kind cuz i can never think of foods LMFAO) and it turned out surprisingly good. yum!

Pet assigning. as i mentioned makoto n taka have assigned mondo a cat/catboy, but the same applies for the others. taka is a dog, obviously, but specifically a husky BECAUSE (im gonna be so annoying about this): Hes black and white, hes dramatic and loud like how huskies are, very loving (as every dog), and when his hair grows out more and mondo touches it, it reminds him of how fluffy huskies' fur is. makoto is a bunny, but i unfortunately dont know many bunny breeds so i will probably elaborate more once i look up and decide. hes just short/"small" and silly like one, and his ahoge going down when hes sad resembles bunny ears going down. (btw if ur curious mondo is either a tiger (still a cat!!!) or a persian cat. bcuz i cant help but imagine him as a chonky orange persian cat that on one occasion scratches your eyes, and on another cuddles on your shoulders. la creatura)

i think thats all for now! most of my other scenarios are even more generic, like going on dates (aquarium, cafe, cinema etc) so i dont have that much to write LOL.

if you read the whole thing, heres some items for yuo 🍀🧭💎

[trulybetty]

Sunday Week in Review IV

It has been a really weird week this week. One of those weeks where you don’t feel right but you’re not unwell, but you know you’re not yourself. That’s been me the entire week. As a result, I didn’t read or really do much - but I’m hoping this long weekend will get me out of my funk and back to some sense of normality - whatever that is these days lol 🙃

Truly Betty Updates This Week…

Sick Day (Marcus Pike x f!Reader)

Plans for Gold Rush: I recently had a re-read and got to have a really good conversation with @gnpwdrnwhiskey about Charlotte and Joel this week, and it really made me realize how much I miss them. So, my plan is to go back and have a good edit of what’s posted - (both my writing and editing style have changed and Gold Rush is wordy in places it has no business being). Going to take the next week or so to do that and get back to the story that brought me to this community and even if it’s me and three other people reading it, I don’t mind - because I love these characters and want to see it through ❤️ 

Fics I Enjoyed This Week…

Shared Breaths by @frenchiereading I think I’m up to chapter six on this now, as of this week, complete fanfic! It’s a cute read of Frankie enrolling his daughter into Readers school and two having a magnetic back and forth that they can’t act upon until Frankie’s daughter is no longer in Readers class (boo school rules) and I can’t wait to see what happens when they’re finally able to be together! 

The Layover by @goodwithcheese How are we all doing? Have we all recovered from this chapter? Are we prepared for the epilogue that’s coming? This story has been a joy to read and I will honestly be revisiting this one with a permanent place on my fanfics to recommend list! 🙌

Talk Tonight  by @darkroastjoel Joel Miller. Delayed flight. One night in Paris. Did I mention Joel Miller and one night in Paris? This was a delight to get stuck into the opening chapter this week and I’m a suck for an OC. I’m really excited to see how the night plays out for Camila and Joel on the backdrop of Paris.

Late Night Texts by @mvtthewmurdvck Another series that had its last chapter this week and an epilogue on the way. This has all the hallmarks of a good rom-com and another that will be a re-read in the near future. I had an inkling of how this last chapter would play out, but rather than be predictable it keeps you on your toes to a very toe-curlingly sweet ending that will make you want to hug the screen.

Hungry Hearts | Independence Day by @atinylittlepain This is another that will always be on my permanent fanfic recommendation list. Things are reaching a peak between Cherry and Joel and I can't wait to see how things are going to come to heads between the two in the present day.

Delta Landscaping | Chapter 4 by @rhoorl Just realized I keep thinking this is chapter three and it’s chapter 4 (told you it’s one of those weeks 🤦🏻‍♀️) - anyway, another delight of a chapter from Jess and there’s so much to unpack here with the residents of Mulefall Court - so do yourself a favour and go take a read… or two! 

Supply & Demand by @wildemaven Between this fanfic, @rhoorl’s portrayal of Benny and the influx of Garrett Hedlund posts on my feed this week - I think I’m slowly being converted to the Benny side! This is a truly sweet one-shot that I don’t want to get too into here as it deserves a read to find out yourself how it plays out and how endearing Heidi’s Benny really is. Because even if you’re not a fan, you’re going to want to read more of him! Trust me 🥰

20/20 by @ladamedusoif This popped up on my feed this week and it’s always an instant re-read when it does as it has a place on my favourites list! Joel needs to get his eyes tested and the man needs glasses. However, he really doesn’t want them.

Fics I’m Looking Forward to Reading... My TBR List is still a work in progress, will share it when it’s done 💕

These two I was hoping to get stuck into this week, but mental headspace got away with me and wanted to make sure I gave them the attention they deserve because peep the premises for both! 🙌

Tempered in the Fire by @ladamedusoif Okay, so it’s a Blacksmith Din AU set some time after the Irish Rebellion of 1798 - the creativity in this synopsis alone is enough to have me mentally carving out some time this weekend to devour the first chapter.

Let’s Call this a Win Win by @jomiddlemarch Joel. OFC. No Outbreak AU. Sarah and Ellie at summer camp. Sign me up! Joel is dropping Sarah off at summer camp where he meets camp nurse Meghan. Did I mention that Joel is going to be working maintenance there too? I cannot wait to give this one the attention it deserves and find out what happens! 

Posts I Enjoyed This Week…

Pedro living his best life at a Beyoncé concert this week and everyone living for the pure joy of it. 

Things I’ve Enjoyed This Week…

Marry Me - I am a sucker for a rom-com, and I’m a sucker for a JLo rom-com. Throw in Owen Wilson with a batshit plot line that is absolutely unbelievable and you can just shut up and take my money (which Apple did because I bought it)

Something from Tiffany’s - this was on paper a ‘meh’ kinda concept, but I’m glad I gave it a chance as I adored every second of it and now have all the feels and ideas for seasonal one-shots and mini-series that are way above my ability to pull off lol

Discussing WIP’s and OC’s - got to indulge with both this week with some awesome mutuals about not only my own, but theirs too! It's always oo much fun hearing other people’s thought processes and bouncing ideas around. Highly recommend it!

This Week’s Song…

What's a rom-com without a good pop song? This was the bop of the week as I made my way through the week.

Hope everyone had a great week! Let me know if you have any good fanfic recs or your own lists to share! 💕 xx

[steele-soulmate]

Tattooed Wings, CHAPTER 617, Peter Steele & OFC, Soulmate AU

SUMMARY: Mary Claire Bradley meets her soulmate- literally- the famous Peter Steele of metal group Type O Negative. But will obstacles including trauma, stalkers, and toxic family members get in the way of their life?

WARNING: mentions of child rape (nothing graphic) PTSD, milk kink, soft smut, grinding, assault, fingering, hand jobs, blow jobs, 69, P in V sex, blood, noncon rape, violence, death, vandalism, graffiti, attempted kidnapping, break-ins, wild animal attacks, terrorist attack (sabotage) consensual impregnation, bareback, impregnation kink, creampies, terrorist attacks (shootings) hit and run pedestrian accident, precipitous labor, neonatal death, abandoned baby, child intoxication, death of a minor character, injured baby, kidnapped child

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHORESS: I am so sorry for not posting an update last week, but real life caught up to me! As an apology, I will post chapters 617 and 618 of Tattooed Wings and chapters 23 and 24 of Princess of Candy Coated Lies! Not only that, however I will also update chapters 20-40 of Tattooed Wings as well!

WORDS: 1114

Katie was sick for the rest of the day, eventually leading to the doctor on call to give her an IV for dehydration. I had sent Jackie a text, asking her to bring some chicken noodle soup for her niece. Elizabeth woke up and was automatically loopy, giggling and singing loudly before she conked out once more and woke up in a more lucid manner. The babies spent their time between their sisters and the patio, where they had discovered a nest of ladybugs living in a bush.

Peter and I both had made up a bed on a pull out futon that a nurse lugged in for our usage, and Pamela had stopped by with a duffle bag that she had packed with clothes for the family. Cathy stopped by a little while later with a portable baby cot for the babies to nap in, and Ephraim popped by with chicken noodle soup that Evans had made.

Peter’s sister and nieces and my brothers and their families popped by in groups of two or three, not wanting to overwhelm the sick girls. Jackie didn’t show up, which I thought was odd of her. I asked Ephraim if he knew what was going on with my little sister.

“I have no idea what is going on with her to be honest with you MC,” he told me as he loosened his tie from around his neck. Baby Olivia Rose was busy bopping around with the Ratajczyk babies, having already been accepted by ringleader little girl. Caleb and Julie had also came by with Baby Calista, and little girl looked absolutely overjoyed at the newest additions to her beloved army of babies.

Evans proudly presented me with his newly published cookbook, This Kitchen is Cooking With Love, which he signed with a flamboyant flourish at my request.

Katie would still get urpy from time to time, however not as horribly as when she first woke up. Elizabeth on the other hand was back to her otherwise happy go lucky, energetic self after her crash nap following waking up from oral surgery and was quickly approved to get out of bed and play with the Ratajczyk babies with only an IV drip feeding medicine into her arm port.

Gideon came in with a wrapped box, something that he found and bought as an impulse buy and figured that he could bestow his gift onto his two nieces. Elizabeth and Katie both tore into the wrapped parcel and came up with a Hunter a Killer mystery activities box.

“Cool!” yelled Elizabeth. “Thanks, Uncle Giddy!”

Gideon only smiled in fondness as the girl tore opened the box and pulled out evidence- a manilla envelope with writings in dark brown-black ink, photographs, a blood stained glove, autopsy reports, witness statements and a white domino face mask stained with dark red fingerprints.

“A Murder at the Masquerade Ball,” Elizabeth read from the introduction manual out loud. “Valentina Franklyn is a world renown author of the Lady Letter Mysteries series. When she is sent an invitation to attend a swanky masquerade ball by an anonymous friend, the bestselling mystery author finds herself enveloped in a real life murder and must utilize her knowledge to find the murderer.”

“DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!” screamed little girl dramatically before erupting into sweet baby giggles right before she returned to her favorite pastime of bossing her minions around.

Gideon snorted in mirth before returning back to his conversation with Peter on what was going on in Washinton DC. I returned to my current pastime of knitting Minion hats for the babies by using soft yellow, bright white and dark black yarn. I was knitting a Gru-like scarf of pink and green for little girl, cackling silently as I crafted witchcraft with my two knitting wands.

“Finished!” Forty minutes later, I called the babies over and dressed them in their new apparel.

Little girl turned to the other babies with a somber expression on her chubby face.

“MINIONS!” she yelled, summoning their attention. “At daybreak… WE ATTACK!”

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…” chorused the babies, causing Peter to bend over in half wheezing.

The babies began to talk to one another in “Minionese” making Peter need to sit from laughing at how adorable the Ratajczyk Minion were being.

@Mary_Claire_Ratajczyk_Official, MINIONS ASSEMLBE!

#RatajczykbabiesbeingMinions #whenMinionsassemble #littlegirlsMinions #anarmyofMinions #cutelittleMinions #whenMinionsattack #andlittlegirlisGru #LOL at @mercymemorial with @therealpetersteeleoffical and @elizabethharp

@kellykent, MINIONS ASSEMBLE

@petesteele4ever, LOL

@MissMittensthemotherlycat, MEOW

@Pete­r_Steele===========8) aw look at the baby Minions!

@lzziegreen, I was having a bad day today but this made me smile

“Mommy, mesies wantsies Babbles!” Baby Jojo babbled just then, toddling up to me with an ingenious expression on her befreckled face.

“BABBLES!” the babies took to chanting next. “BABBLES! BABBLES! BABBLES! BABBLES! BABBLES! BABBLES! BABBLES! BABBLES!”

“Here, babies!” Katie tossed them the uneaten banana from her breakfast tray.

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…” went the babies as they swarmed the banana in Baby Mattie’s hands.Mo stór, my dear, Irish Gaelic

TAGLISTS ARE OPEN/ ASK BOX IS OPEN/ REQUESTS ARE OPEN/ PLOT BUNNIES ARE WELCOMED

If you liked this, then please consider buying me a coffee HERE It only costs $3!!!

PETER STEELE TAGLIST

@rock-a-noodle

@elianafilthyrose

@ch3rry-c01a

@rockstarslutt

@angelxfuckk

[ashcal99]

Certain Things : Leah Clearwater IV

Chapter Four

"Something about you, It's like an addiction, Hit me with your best shot honey, I've got no reason to doubt you, 'Cause certain things hurt, And you're my only virtue"

Summary: Conner Swan moves to Forks Washington in hopes to help his sister Bella through her breakup with Edward. In hopes to find happiness again. He finds much more.

Warnings: Eventual smut (18+ only), mentions of death, depression, loss, antidepressants, general angst, slow burn, mentions of suicide

Words: 4.3k

A/N: Comment if I missed any warning or anything plz thnx.

Soundtrack

Previous Chapter

Series Masterlist

——————

March 4th, 2006

It had been weeks since Jacob had gotten sick, and yet, Bella had heard no word from the boy. As far as she knew, he had come down with mono, or so Billy had told her. Day after day she called, but it was always Billy who had answered, claiming the teen was still too sick to come to the phone. Eventually, even Billy had stopped picking up, and soon, the voicemail box had been filled. Bella had felt helpless. Fearing that she had lost the one true friend she had. The pain came back with a vengeance. Now that Jake had left, the hole in her heart seemed to grow twice the size. 

Conner saw the pain return, as hard as she had tried to hide it, and he was furious. It was clear that the Quileutes had been using the sickness as an excuse to avoid the girl, that much was obvious, as the silence from the teen had gone on far too long. He was just unsure as to why. Frankly, he didn’t exactly care what the excuse was. All he saw was the progress Bella was making in healing going to waste. 

It was a Saturday, his day off, when Bella finally decided to confront the boy. Conner had made plans to go fishing with his father and Harry Clearwater, but he suddenly regretted making the plans. He turned to Bella. “Look, I don’t have to go fishing today.” He started. 

Bella waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, you do. What are you talking about?” She asked. “Just be careful.” She said directing the words to her father and brother.

“We always are.” Charlie spoke up, giving the girl a reassuring smile.

Harry spoke up. “Those bears won’t get the drop on me, Bella.” He joked smirking. “My kung foo is strong.” He added teasingly, earning a small chuckle from the other two men. 

Conner nudged his shoulder. “Yeah, right. Your reflexes are so lightning fast.” He said laughing. 

Harry scoffed. “I have no idea what you mean, I’m practically a chetah.” He smiled proudly as the three walked out the front door, to Harry’s truck. Conner leaned down, picking up a pebble on the driveway, quickly chucking it in the man’s direction. The tiny rock hit the man right in the middle of his forehead, his eyes going wide. Charlie and Conner doubled over with laughter, seeing the shocked look on Harry’s face. 

The tree climbed into the truck, setting their fishing gear in the bed. Conner sat silently in the back seat as the two other man held light conversation, staring out the window as the trees blurred past. Charlie had been talking about Jake, complaining of the teens absence. “I just don’t understand what happened. It’s been over a month now.” Charlie said exasperatedly. 

“I wouldn’t worry about it, Charlie. I’m sure he’ll come around eventually.” Henry said dismissively. 

Charlie sighed. “I hope so.” He said, staying silent for a moment. “Anyway, how are Leah and Seth doing? How’s high school going for him?” He asked changing the subject. 

“He’s doing great. Straight A’s.” He said proudly. “Leah’s okay, still keeping to herself mostly.” He said, voice dropping slightly. “She’s still pretty broken up over Sam. I think she’s mainly angry at this point.” He continued. 

Conner’s eyebrows furrowed, not sure what the man meant. “I didn’t know you had a daughter.” He interjected. He hadn’t spent a lot of time with the man, usually spending the days he came over working or busying himself with yard word to distract himself. He had found out about Harry’s son, having overhead a previous conversation, but a daughter was news to him. He found himself uncharacteristically intrigued by the topic. 

Harry glanced towards the man in the rearview mirror of the truck. “Yeah, Leah. She’s about your age I’d say. Doesn’t get out much besides work, I’m sure you haven’t met before.” He said. 

Conner quirked an eyebrow. He hadn’t known any of Charlie’s friends had any kids closer in age to him, granted he didn’t get out much himself. The only friends he had was Bella and Jake, and clearly the latter wasn’t going too well. Conner sighed, dropping the subject and turning back to gaze out the truck’s window.

——————

March 11th, 2006

Another week had passed since the fishing trip, not much having changed on the Bella and Jacob front. She had come home that night, upset from whatever Jake had said to her. She claimed to not want to take about it, but she was clearly upset from whatever had happened. 

It was a rare sunny morning when Bella decided to go back to the reservation to see the boy. Conner had just finished off drying the pan he had used to cook breakfast when she came running down the stairs in a rush. He whipped his head in her direction, shocked to see her with such energy. She had spent the majority of the past week moping around, so he had wondered what had changed. He stepped out from the kitchen, blocking her path. “Where are you going?” He questioned, one eyebrow raised in curiosity. 

She huffed. “I have to go talk to Jake.” She rushed out, clearly in a hurry for whatever reason. 

Conner’s face dropped, the crease between his brows deepening. “Okay then, I’m coming too.” He stated determinedly.

Bella begun to panic. There was no way she was getting her brother involved in this whole mess. She had finally remembered about the Quileute legends and she wasn’t about to drag Conner into it too, knowing it would be dangerous. “No.” She answered bluntly.

Conner huffed in annoyance. “Bella I’m not going to let you go over there alone again. Last time you came back in tears.” He reasoned. “I’ll stay in my truck, but at least let me drive you.” He concluded.

Bella sighed in defeat. “Fine.” She agreed, in too much of a rush to argue with the man. 

The scenery whipped past the truck as Conner sped down the winding road. Bella had already made it clear that she was in a rush, so Conner drove swiftly thought the turns, trying to get the to house quickly. His tires slid slightly on the gravel road as his truck came to a halt in front of the Black residence. He turned to the girl. “I’m right here if you need me, okay?” He reassured. Bella nodded, quickly swinging the door open and dropping her feet to the ground. Conner sat there, watching as she pushed herself past Billy and into the house. 

He had started to grow antsy, not having a view of his sister when his attention dragged to the girl storming from the house towards a group of shirtless guys. Okay? It definitely wasn’t that warm, he thought. He gripped the door, throwing it open as he watched his sister get in one’s face, yelling angrily about something. He slammed the door, rushing towards his sister. The tanned male started shaking violently, his entire body vibrating. 

“Bella!” Jake yelled, bursting through the back door of the house. He sprinted towards the girl, his body starting to shake as well. 

“Run!” Bella screamed, turning and sprinting towards the boy. “Jake, run!” She repeated. Conner stopped in his tracks, jaw going slack as he watched the scene play out in front of him.  

A growl ripped through Jacobs throat. In a burst of fur and and shreds of clothing, the two shaking figures were replaced with gigantic menacing wolves. The two snapped their jaws at each other bearing their teeth threateningly. Conner watched in awe not knowing how to react.

WHAT THE FUCK

The two wolves tackled each other, chasing themselves out of the clearing. The two siblings stood there for a moment, mouths agape. So much for keeping Conner out of it. 

Conner stepped forwards to the other men, sucking in a deep breath. "So are you guys gonna turn into giant dogs too, or should I wait for another time?” He asked unease gripping his throat. 

——————

Conner stepped slowly through the narrow doorway of the house. He hadn’t received much of an explanation on the way to Sam and Emily’s, the others claiming he would get his answers soon. “Can someone please explain to me why I just watched a boy that I've known his whole life turn into a very large dog?” Conner asked, growing impatient with the silence.

Jared smirked to the man. “It’s kind of a long story.” He explained.

Conner huffed impatiently. “I’ve got time.” He reasoned. He needed an explanation before he went insane. It's not everyday that you witness a close friend randomly morph into an animal.

The woman in the kitchen turned, spotting the to two siblings. “Who’s this?” She asked, sending the two a small smile. Conner glanced over to the woman, eyes pausing on the long jagged scars running down her face. This must be Emily, he decided, quickly diverting his gaze, not wanting to seem rude from staring. 

“Bella and Conner Swan.” Jared explained.

A smirk grew on Emily’s face. “So, you’re the vampire girl.” She said. Conner’s head shot to his sister. First wolves and now Vampires? What’s next? Big Foot?

Conner turned to his sister, gritting his teeth. “Vampires, Bella? You have a lot of explaining to do.” He seethed, glaring at the girl.

Bella grimaced, turning to answer Emily. “So you’re the wolf girl.” She said, ignoring her brother. She would clearly have to spend time later explaining things to the man, but for now, she focused on getting some answers of her own. 

“Guess so.” Emily smirked. “Well, I’m engaged to one.” She clarified, setting a heaping plate of muffins on the table. Hands swarmed the plate, grabbing muffin after muffin. “Save some for your brothers.” She chastised the boys. “And guests first. Muffin?” She added, offering the plate to the two siblings.

Conner reached forwards, snagging one of the warm pastries. “Sure, thanks.” He muttered softly. 

“So, that explanation you wanted.” Embry started, mouth full of muffin. “We’re descendants of wolves.” He stated simply, as if that explained everything. Conner supposed that was the best he was going to get, coming to to the conclusion that he should just except the fact that he didn’t live in the world he thought he had. There was clearly a lot that he had been oblivious to previously, and he planned to get some more answers out of Bella later. 

He sighed, pulling a chair out from the table, giving up, as he slouched over, stuffing the muffin into his mouth. His eyes widened, a soft groan falling from his lips. “Compliments to the chef.” He said, eyeing the muffin. 

“She is pretty amazing isn’t she?” A voice coming from behind said. A large muscled man made his way towards the woman, taking her scared face in his hands, planting a kiss to her lips. This must be sam, Conner concluded. He turned his focus to the muffin, feeling like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t be seeing. 

——————

The siblings returned home a few hours later. Luckily, their father was still out, having left to go hunting again with Harry. Slamming the front door behind him, he followed his sister, deciding now was as good as any to talk things through. 

Bella looked to the man apprehensively. “Conner… I can explain.” She said hesitantly. 

Conner scoffed. “How could you lie to me like that?” He asked, anger filling his voice. 

Bella stared, eyes wide. It had been a long time since she had seem him so angry, him usually being so timid. “Technically,” She started hesitantly, “I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you everything.” She explained. 

Suddenly it him. “Is that why?” He asked, earning a confused look from the girl. “Is he why you stopped answering my calls?” He clarified. His heart ached in protest, not sure if he wanted to hear the truth.

“I-I knew I would end up letting it slip on accident, and I couldn’t chance you being put in danger.” She said, trying to justify her actions. 

Conner pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to push back the building tears. “Bella, have you ever stopped to think about the danger this put you in?” He asked. 

Bella looked down to the floor. “That’s not the same.” She muttered in defense.

Conner scoffed. “Not the same? You know what, you’re right. It’s worse. Bella, for fuck's sake, he's killed people. The whole family has.” He yelled, throwing his hands in the air. His voice raised in volume, quickly losing his temper with the teen. All the years he had spent trying to protect her, meanwhile there she was willingly endangering her own life.

Bella’s forehead creased in anger. ”He's not like that anymore, they don't feed on humans.” She tried to defend.

The man looked at his sister in disgust. “Do you even hear yourself?” He asked.

“Anymore, Bella. He’s killed before, and it’s clear that you know that. You're trying to justify killing. He's a murderer, Bells.” He said bluntly, glaring at the girl. 

“Don't talk about him like that.” She said shortly.

Conner felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. “Does your life really mean that little to you?” He asked sadly. “Are the people that love you that expendable to you?” Bella stood for a moment, mouth open, looking for an answer that she knew she couldn’t find.

"Con-" He flinched at the nickname. Nicknames were for close relationships, not strangers, and right now he didn’t recognize the girl standing in front of him. "I'm sorry." She said.

Conner felt the tears begin to spill from his eyes. "Bella, I lost the love of my life. You know what that kind of loss feels like, but she didn't just leave me like Edward left you. She died. Died with my child. A child I didn't even know about until she was gone." He paused, his voice cracking. "And on top of all of this, the one person.” He sucked in a breath “The one person I thought I could count on left me too. Made me feel like I was the burden” He cried out, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. 

"Conner, I'm sorry, I-" Bella started.

"No." Conner interrupted. "Sorry isn't good enough anymore. I thought our relationship meant more than that to you, but obviously it doesn't mean shit." He ended, turning, walking out the door, and slamming it behind him.

——————

March 18th, 2006

A week had passed since Conner had found out the truth. A week of awkward silence and cold shoulders. Charlie could tell something had happened between the two, but wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. Conner had been working non-stop trying to avoid the teen, having only been home to sleep as of late. If he wasn’t working, he was over in la push, having been spending more time will Billy. After everything that had happened, he felt like the man was the only person who would understand even a fraction of what he was going through, even if most of what they did was watch sports games together. If anything, it was a good distraction.

He had just finished a shift at the diner when he received the call. Looking down at the illuminated screen, he read Jacob’s name. Clicking to answer the call,  he brought the phone to his ear.“Hey man, what’s up” He asked casually. 

“Bella just almost died.” The teen answered bluntly, causing Conner to stop in his tracks. 

His heartbeat pounded in his ears. “W-what?” He stuttered out, blinking rapidly.

Jacob took a deep breath. “She thought it was a great idea to try out cliff diving today.” Conner heard Bella saying something about it being not that big of a deal in the background. Of course. The girl had a death wish.

Conner sucked in a breath “Jesus.” He said.

“She's okay. We're heading back your place now.” Jake reassured. 

Conner let out a heavy sigh. “I'll be there in ten.” He stated, hanging up the phone. Leave it to Bella. He climbed into his truck and hurriedly pulled out of the parking lot. He tried his best not to get a speeding ticket on the way home, knowing that would be an awkward conversation to have with his father.

No matter how mad he was at Bella, he still loved her, and the fact that she had almost died just in the last hour made him uneasy. He would've never forgiven himself if he had lost her. The last conversation they had, having ended with the both of them screaming at each other.

The man blew out a breath relief as a pulled up to the house, spotting his sister’s truck in the driveway. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he noticed the other car parked horizontally on the side of the road. He wasn’t too familiar with cars, but he knew this one looked expensive. He didn't know anybody that would've even had the money to rent a car like that.

Conner approached the front door hesitantly. Twisting the knob, he found it to be already unlocked. He stepped in slowly.”Hello?” He greeted cautiously, turning the corner to the living room. Jacob stood glaring at Bella who was wrapped in two pale arms. Conner looked up to the pale face of the girl, chills running up his spine. Vampire. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but he did. There was just something about the girl. She was unnaturally perfect, just like he remembered Edward to be. 

The short pixie-like girl glanced up. “Oh, hi. You must be Conner.” She greeted. “I'm Alice Cullen.” Conner's back tensed. So he was correct.

“I had a vision of you.” Alice said, turning her attention back to Bella. “You jumped off a cliff. Why in the hell would you try and kill yourself?” She asked angrily.

“I didn't try to kill myself. I was cliff diving. Recreationally. It was fun.” Bella reassured. 

“I have never met anyone more prone to life threatening idiocy.” Alice huffed out in annoyance. 

Conner scoffed. “I wholeheartedly agree.” He said irritatedly.

Bella started again. “Did you- did you tell him?” Edward, he assumed.

“No. He only calls once every few months. He said he wants to be alone…and what is the god awful wet dog smell?” She asked, turning up her nose from the stench.

Conner crossed his arms, watching the two amusedly. “That's probably me, or Jacob.” Bella said bashfully.

Alice seemed confused. “Jacob who?” She asked.

“Yeah, Jake's a giant dog.” Conner teased. 

Bella added awkwardly. “Jacob's kind of a werewolf.”

“Bella!” Alice shouted. “Werewolves are not good company to keep!”

“Hey! Speak for yourself!” Jacob started.

Conner stepped up. “I'm gonna have to agree with him on that one.”

He suddenly noticed the absence of his father. He furrowed his brow, knowing the man had the day off and as far as he was aware, hadn’t made any plans for this night. “Where's Charlie?” He asked.

Jacob's face fell, staying silent for a moment. “Harry Clearwater had a heart attack.” He said finally.

“Oh my god. Is he okay?” He asked panicked. Jacob hung his head, shaking it ‘no’. He had just seen the man. It didn’t seem real. Conner’s heart sunk. Jesus, his poor kids.

“His daughter phased in front of him and I guess his heart couldn’t take the shock. We’ve never had a female in the pack before. We didn’t even know it was possible.” He said solemnly. Conner’s face scrunched up, poor Leah. That was horrible. 

He was soon ripped from his thoughts as Bella yelled. “Stop!” Alice and Jake glared darkly at each other. If looks could kill, they'd both be six feet under. Assuming the vampires could die, this he wasn’t completely sure of.

Alice let out a sigh, rolling her amber eyes. “I will give you one minute.” She stated pointing a thin finger at the girl.

“You're not going anywhere, you're gonna come back , right?” Bella asked panicked. She wouldn't let Alice leave her. Not again. Not after so long waiting so long to see the vampire again.

A smirk found its way to the Cullen’s face. “As soon as you put the dog out.” She teased. Her gaze then flickered over to the older sibling, signaling to leave the two alone for some privacy.

Conner huffed, following the immortal girl out towards the back yard. He stepped into the cool air, unease settling in his stomach. ”So you're Conner. It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you." She said a large smile gracing her delicate features. She looked kind enough, but still, something stirred in Conner’s chest, putting him on edge.

He looked towards the girl, thoughts whirling. ”Um-yeah, and you're Alice. Edward's sister?" He asked, looking for clarification. 

Alice grinned, showing her bright white teeth. ”That’s me. It's great to finally meet you. I've seen that we're going to get along great." She said grinning widely. A little weirded out, Conner blew the comment off. She'd seen? What is that supposed to mean?

Conner stared blankly for a moment. ”Yeah... Why is it that you're just now coming back to see Bella? You know, she's had a really shitty time getting over you and your family. Why pop back up now that she’s finally getting better?” He asked defensively. She wasn’t gong to get off easy by just being polite. Not after everything Bella had been put through.

Alice frowned. ”I needed to see if she was okay. I worry about her..." She faded off, her face becoming blank and eyes glossing over. The air between the two went silent as she as her attention drifted off elsewhere.

Conner quirked an eyebrow, waving a hand in front of her face, looking for some type of reaction ”Um, hello? Are you okay?" Conner asked unsure, attempting to regain her attention.

Alice's eyes widened to an almost comical size as she breathed out a gasp of air. "Oh god." She muttered turning quickly and rushing back into the house at an inhuman speed. Conner blinked rapidly, trying to decide if he had just hallucinated the whole interaction. The wolves hadn’t been kidding when they said vampires were fast, in fact he now realized that was definitely a major understatement. 

After coming to his senses, Conner turned on his heal, rushing back into the warmth of the house. As he crossed the threshold of the kitchen, Bella coming into view. Her face was white, as she looked like she had just seen a ghost. Her face quickly morphed into utter rage as she turned on Jacob, beginning to yell at the boy.

"Bella, it's Edward." Alice interrupted, panic filling her voice. "He thinks you are dead." Bella gaped at the girl. "Rosalie told him why I came here." Conner’s mind whirled as he tried to process this information. 

Bella turned to Jacob utterly furious. "Why would you- why didn't you let me speak to him?” She asked angrily.

"He didn't ask for you." Jacob stated stubbornly.

”Bella." Alice interjected hurriedly, trying to gain her full attention. "He's going to the Volturi." Conner of course had no idea what this meant, but still, the word set an ire chill in the air. Shivers ran down his spine as the word invoked a visceral reaction from the man. "He wants to die too." Alice finished. 

Bella sucked in a breath, eyes widening. ”We have to- we have to go." She stuttered out.

Conner’s heart dropped, putting a hand up to stop the teen. ”Hold on. Where are you going?" Conner interjected incredulously. "You're not going to just get up and leave again." He recalled the year previous when Bella had left Forks in a rush only to end up in the hospital a day later. The pain she had put Charlie through.

"He left you Bella, remember? He didn't want you anymore." Jacob pleaded with the girl.

Bella let out a frustrated grunt. "I'm not going to let him kill himself out of guilt." She said determinedly. She glared at the two males. She knew all they wanted to do was protect her, but she’d be damned if she let Edward die while she stood by and did nothing. 

Conner ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm his building nervousness. Wherever it was that Bella was planning on going, he knew would be unsafe. Anxiety gripped his lungs as he began to struggle to breath. “Bella you can’t leave again.” He said, eyes pleading with his sister. “Charlie needs you right now.” He tried reasoning.

He looked deep into the girl’s eyes, instantly knowing that it was no use. Whatever grip this family had on the girl was too strong. In truth, he should have known this from the start, but he had tried to hope. Hope that she had moved on from Edward enough to value her own life, but he should have known. That was where her loyalties lied. Not with the family that loved and supported her throughout her darkest times, but with the boy that had broken her heart.

Conner nodded his head slowly, seeing there was no use in trying to convince her to stay. He turned his face from the girl, pain etched across his features. The fact was, family wasn’t a priority for her anymore. It hadn’t been since she had met Edward. His shoulders sagged in defeat, the sting of betrayal sinking in. And the she was gone, without even a second glance. 

He planted himself on the couch, taking his head in his hands. It was suddenly way too silent in the house, and his thoughts began to overwhelm him. 

What in the world was he going to tell Charlie?

Next Chapter

[multifandumbmeg]

Random update per my fics:

Sorry I haven't updated in the last few days. I usually try to write some every day, but I took a day off to plan Golden Glint and then finished the mini fic (Reckoning of Mike Carrera) I started before it because that's what I wanted to write and I wanted to finish it.

On the topic of all my in-progress fics, my writing just isn't consistent right now. I mentioned a while ago that I'm going through AO3 author's curse and would eventually expand on that, so since I'm extremely frustrated and paralyzed from being productive today I'll do that now.

Starting from winter/late fall of 2022 I got sick and basically never got better. I was having illness after illness that meds weren't solving, and my headaches just got more and more frequent until they were every day for at least three months. By the time I came home from Korea, I was having full-blown debilitating migraines every day and attacks where I would almost pass out and couldn't breathe. It took me a couple months but I got on insurance, started a new job, and managed to convince my parents to let me focus on getting my health together this year.

It's been extremely difficult and frustrating because US healthcare, but I found out I do not in fact have ANY allergies despite doctors telling me I do, literally putting me on allergy shots for a year, and telling me that was the cause of migraines, inability to breathe, and constant illness, none of which were true. I had to prove this to them by fighting to see an actual allergist and getting re-tested which costs me hundreds of dollars out of pocket, but at least the allergist was a good dude who wrote a SCATHING letter to my primary care demanding I be sent to the proper specialists for my symptoms. Several blood tests and medications later, we have whammy number two:

The hypoglycemia I was diagnosed with as a teenager was not in fact random. Instead, I have hyperthyroidism caused by Graves Disease. Except I ALSO have Hashimoto's Disease, because I am just so special like that. Basically, rather than allergies like I was always told, I have been getting every single sickness that rolled by for the past several decades and because I was so used to being sick and so criminally gaslit about it, I didn't even know I was ill and just kept going. Thyroid also has tumors on it. I may also have other autoimmune disorders, or thyroid cancer, but I won't know until I finally see an endocrinologist an hour away later this month.

Though my daily migraines stopped last summer, I still get frequent headaches and now extremely bad ones (or migraines) every time it rains. Generally, there seems to be some kind of inflammation issue where my body over-reacts to literally everything by swelling up and causing more problems.

Possibly tied to that, I was in pain every single day at work. Considering my age, there is no normal reason I should be crippled by joint pain but that is yet to be solved. I now only work two days a week, which has helped significantly, but I am still consistently in a ton of pain two days a week, sometimes three as a rebound.

In January, before I had gotten any diagnoses, my parents gave me an ultimatum that they were kicking me out in May. I had to beg them to go part-time because I simply could not keep up with job applications while I was so constantly tired and pain. After sobbing for two straight days about the inevitability of becoming homeless because I can't afford to or logistically live on my own, my mom convinced my dad to let me go part time on the condition that I continue to pay the same rent Ive been paying to live in one of their empty spare rooms.

In February, I went in for the first appointment toward getting an Autism screening. The therapist suggested I get an ADHD test and recommended me for the official autism screening, saying I have a solid case for suspecting. After a little computer game and another talking appointment, slightly to my own surprise (especially because of how easy it was) I was clinically diagnosed with ADHD. I recently started meds for that and it has made basic tasks and job applications infinitely easier to the extent it's insane, plus my final Autism screening is next week and based on my results every step of the process so far diagnosis seems likely.

All that said, the job search process has been soul-destroyingly frustrating. I have a masters degree in a specialized field, backed up by a Bachelor's in a relevant field, years of study abroad and work abroad (which is relevant to my career path) and a track record of excellent academic achievement. I also speak French and Korean near-fluently and am conversational in Romanian and Russian, as well as knowing a fair few phrases in a number of other languages. Every job I've had has stressed me out to the point of quitting by around a year (hello Autism), but also none were related to what I studied at all, highly customer service oriented, and still every one would tell you I was one of the best employees they ever had and begged me to stay. Even with this track record, after literally HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of applications (which in my field almost always require a cover letter, often questionnaires and lengthy short answers, or even writing samples in addition) I have had ONE interview in four years. ONE. And I was so heinously underqualified for that hail-Mary I'm 99% certain they only interviewed me to meet a quota. As you can imagine, for someone with highly probable AuDHD, doing the same thing over and over for 4 years with a 100% failure rate is enough to make me want to dive into a lake with a pile of bricks chained to my back.

I'm still months out from seeing a neurologist about my headaches and general constant pain, I don't have a plan of action for my buck-wild medical anomaly thyroid, and I don't know if my parents are kicking me out next month. They haven't brought it up so maybe with my recent headway on the Peace Corps application (was told I stand a very good chance, but that's another contract job overseas, further pushing back my ability to find a stable, long term career job) and slew of diagnoses and medications, my dad is cooling off a bit. I don't know.

All that to say my body is crumbling out from under me, my job is stressful, and despite being extremely qualified and putting in so much effort, I have zero long-term life prospects. Sometimes, that results in me diving whole-hog into writing for fun and as an outlet, other times I'm too tired or need to bury myself in mindless content consumption or days of spending every spare moment staring at my ceiling in silence until I maybe fall asleep. Did I also mention the crippling lifelong insomnia which my ADHD meds (along with rapid weight loss I'm desperately trying to curb because I'm already borderline underweight due to my thyroid) are exacerbating?

Anywyay. Point is I'm very tired and stressed so my writing is going to be much less consistent than in the past. Hope you understand. Also just an update for my online friends. TMI but I needed to rant and put it out there for those wondering to lower expectations.

[edgessunflower]

Day 23 Magnolias: Beauty during pain

Pairing: Test x Fem reader

Description: Test keeps your spirits up while you go through chemotherapy

Warning: Mentions of cancer, chemotherapy, effects of chemotherapy, breast cancer, and emotions

You wince as the IV goes in your arm still in disbelief of your recent diagnosis of breast cancer hoping the chemo would help despite knowing the effects. It all started a month back when you began to feel your right breast swell and grow tender, you thought that it was just your hormones acting up since it was normal for them to act up every once in awhile but when the pain didn't stop and you began to see purple blackish marks two weeks back then you knew something bad was wrong and your heart sinks when you heard the doctor say cancer after getting tests done and waiting with your boyfriend Test by your side no matter what. So far you have been to three chemo sessions and you were already feeling the effects of nausea, chills, and fever that left you lethargic for a few days and you knew it would only get worse as time went on throughout treatment for however long it was needed, you woke up after falling asleep for an hour to see a small flower pot of purple orchids and test right next to you with your hand in between his own "It's okay baby, you can sleep if you're tired" he presses a kiss to your temple before you went back to sleep. You eat a bit of lunch and keep it down for three hours before getting sick which makes you feel bad about test having to see you ill like this but he stops you from saying anything while wrapping you in a blanket on the couch after finally getting home from treatment, "I'm not going anywhere no matter how bad this gets, I am always going to be by your side to help because I love you" you shake in his arms from the chills due to the chemo until you finally fall asleep after putting on a sweater and laying on test with a blanket over the two of you until it got too hot a few hours later where you find test making dinner. The next few sessions of chemotherapy were rough but you felt peaceful whenever test was with you during treatment even when all you would do was sleep from the increased fatigue but no matter how long each treatment was or whenever test wasn't with you, there was always a small flower pot of different colored orchids at your bedside and a note from him to make you smile during or after treatments until seven months later when you went into remission and determined to be cancer free almost not believing it was true until you started feeling better and going through the first week with no chemo. You wake up to find light pink orchids on the nightstand before test comes in the bedroom with breakfast which makes you tear up "I'm proud of you for everything these past few months" he wipes your face as the tears flow before kissing your forehead "Don't cry honey, you don't need to be afraid anymore" he knew how afraid you had gotten once it hit you that you were dying, but he was so proud of you for fighting even when you were in pain and tired "You're still just as breathtaking as the day we met, I love you beautiful" he held you in his arms after having breakfast with tender kisses being shared in the domestic moment of comfortable silence molded together in bed with life slowly going back to normal with a new change and that was the unconditional love the two of you had for each other growing even more.

[madisonrooney]

two and a half months later and still making myself sick thinking about the legends ceremony /pos. dont see that ending any time soon. anyways.

see like. OBVIOUSLY i knew it was gonna take a toll on me but god...i didn't think it'd be this bad. but i think i'm starting to understand WHY it ended up being so much more intense than i expected.

for one thing, it's the only time ive seen miley and she wasnt like...the only reason i was there. ive seen her in concert twice and went to the launch event for her converse line. she was the main event at all three of those events. i went to the voice 9 times, and no, shes not the only attraction there, but she was the entire reason i went. had she not been a coach, i wouldnt have gone. the whole experience was fun dont get me wrong. i enjoyed the performers, the other coaches, etc. but its still an exhausting process that i wouldnt have gone through if not for her. not to mention shes present p much the entire time.

but in THIS case, its during d23, one of the biggest events of every 2 years of my life since 2013. and at the very END of it. they were like. hey. so you just had three overwhelming, exciting days full of your fandoms (PLUS d23 day at disneyland which was new) lets cap it all off with THIS. not to mention there were other legends i was excited to see too. and mileys part beginning and ending within like ten minutes was admittedly expected, but it still made it all the more difficult to process and wrap my head around.

they also WERENT GOING IN ANY SPECIFIC ORDER SO EVERY TIME SOMEONE WAS DONE I HAD TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF. tbh im glad she was in the middle tho. having her at the beginning wouldve been overwhelming to start and had she been at the end i wouldve been like..stumbling out of the building lmao. the person who got awarded right after her was someone i didnt care too much about so i just got to black out for a bit. i almost needed to go in the hallway to cool down.

but like god. i fully dissociated during the best of both worlds performance like had to remind myself where i was, what i was doing, etc. likely at least partially due to my usual brain fog + sleep deprivation of d23 which almost always brings on dissociation, but also the surreal experience of hearing that song sung in that big of a venue...but also not by miley. (not that lainey wilson wasnt good, i just had to like...wrap my head around that yknow.)

i also ofc had the scare of getting my tix revoked. even once they said i was fine i was constantly paranoid something would happen and i wouldnt get to go. not even in that regard, bc i trusted that they fixed the problem, but that i would get sick or like SOMETHING would happen. and not getting to go wouldve like. destroyed me. in the weeks leading up to it i was literally knocking on wood constantly. like even at work. i was so panicked. i laugh a bit at it looking back but also like this is normal behavior coming from me lmao

i also thought it wouldnt overwhelm me as much as it did given that id seen her 12 times before, which is like...a lot to see this big of a celebrity. and 9 of those times were in a small lowkey setting for 3+ hours. so i thought "oh ive been normal around her before ill be ok :)" not thinking that had been 6+ years ago. the first 12 times i saw her were within just over 4 years, then 6 years went by without me seeing her at all, so that feeling in my brain of just seeing her casually was mostly gone. not to mention how much has happened in the last 6 years, namely quarantine.

i also had never seen her within the context of hannah before. not that she doesnt mean the world to me as herself, but hannah is really what saved me to begin with. so theres that.

anyway. if anything im glad its been more intense than expected bc im actually getting to feel something which i feel like ive been without for a while. and what im feeling is intense love for my favorite person, more intense than ive felt in years, so yah. it feels good.

[anothersuicidesunday]

Another week, another lonely struggle.

And we know i've found the whole experience so far to be extremely depressing in the lonliness of ways.

Where to begin...?

So week 26, 14 to go. I still have alot to do alot to be scared of.

Part One - Opinions Wont Keep You Warm At Night

I obviously have some female trauma as previously mentioned. So while for years I always knew if I had a baby boy he'd be named "Oliver Jensen" now my compromise when you add a father into the scenario became "Oliver Joseph" and that was okay but girls names I only ever considered Max. It wasnt a girls name and it didnt remind me of anything bad. It's what I could live with. Now this came up for discussion and I still hated everything so Max become Maxie because I do not like Maxine as a name and again Maxie I can live with. Middle names where a struggle i was even going to leave it blank but I decided fuck public opinion my guy is Gary Payton II and she can be "Maxie Payton" so thats the name. And I'm already sick of the court of public opinions on the subject.

My aunt made a maxi pad joke immediately.

My partners grandmother turnt her nose up and asked what the other opinions are as if it was going up for vote. Didnt like being told there were no other options.

My own grandmother true to form first got upset that my mother did a gender reveal in a family group chat. Then called the baby Maxine anyway and got pissed off when my mother corrected her and went on a tangent how we all name our children names we never intend to use and then couldnt accept that "maxine" is not going to be used at all, the birth certificate will say Maxie and be her legal name. And this was just another of her arguments for arguments sake cos at Christmas when she tried to look great in front of her friends she decided to announce she'd already brought soaps. And I said "thanks but I wish you'd have asked me because we've decided we would use a certain type of soap and lotion considering the skin conditions that run in the families." Which turnt into her losing her marbles about being ridiculous to wish that on your child (i certainly dont wish for it but i'd rather spend an extra few bucks on safe options than deal with an uncomfortable baby if they do happen to have sensitive skin.) And that my generation is ungrateful. So shes not speaking to me at all.

Which brings us to Part Two - the UNgrateful dead.

I'm definately grateful that people want to buy so much stuff for us. But sometimes it feels like you dont get to pick anything your child is going to have. Like people buy so much clothes that you feel like you cant buy anything that you like cos you have so many already or someone brought a baby bouncer that you feel like you now had to use even though you'd seen one you would have preferred. Or like my grandmothers argument over soap and feeling like you cant even have an opinion on goddamn soap! Its so overwhelming. Sometimes you really just want to say no thanks and get what you actually like but social convention bullies you into taking things and smiling through it. I get it you're excited but I used to be too before you all crushed my spirit.

Part Three: Give Me Novocaine

There's no 'one size fits all option' for pregnancy. But everyone still wants to tell you to do as they did and you'll be fine. It very clearly does not work that way and quite honestly my body and pregnancy just don't seem to gel. I've been sick since week 6. Its week 26 and I sometimes am still running off to vomit. So you get all the people who tell you what you should be doing instead as if you havent googled it yourself and tried the whole damn list. Some people just have to suffer through. There's no magic trick for them to fix it. Its absolutely okay to just say sorry it sucks for you without trying to demand your trick is the greatest trick of all tricks. I get alot of pains. Leg pains, back pains, hip pains, vaginal pains, ive never carried this much weight before pains. Again, i'm trying things to feel better, i walk around, do weird stretches, compression aids but you still have people who wanna tell you you're wrong and they are right and it grinds my fucking gears. Here's reality, if I walk around too much i get exhausted and sore, if I sit too much? Exhausted and sore. If i stretch something hurts. There's no winning in this game and I cry alot when I'm alone.

So the sickness thing improved, I've still never had a craving, i still dont have a good relationship with food all I know is that this baby in fact hates things.

Bread thats not white, bread crust, salad, cheesymite scrolls, anything deep fried.

Honestly quite alot of the things i normally would eat, plus the things doctors tell you not to eat. Its hard for me to eat these days and i have no passion for it now. So to face the high possibility to have gestational diabetes was crushingly devastating. To take even more food choices away from me is fucking hard.

So i'm completely alone again to feel defeated. No one gets it again. You just quietly go through the motions and it's hard fucking work. You're not supposed to sit in your scrappy nursery crying by yourself.