my-life-as-g

[theaologies]

Me for years: I mean Casteel isn’t straight lol

Biphobic losers: of COURSE HE IS he is an ALPHA MALE he is HETEROSEXUAL

Casteel in ASOAAB: [out right talks about fucking other men]

Me:

[derekfoxwit]

Doctor Dorpden’s Critical Tips of Prestige

Note: This post was made with satirical intentions in mind. I’m only emphasizing because I’ve had a couple of comments on previous joke posts I’ve did take it seriously. With that said, here we go.

Tip 1: For starters, remember that when looking at the work, if the Mystic Knee twitches fast enough to punch a hole in a wall, this suggests that the work should be near the lowest of the low. No further development of opinion is needed.

Tip 2: For an equal degree of sophistication, give the warm comfort of nostalgia at least 5 times more chances than the new thing that MAY seem actually poggers.

Tip 3: If you have the anecdote of encountering shitty fans, then use them as a scapegoat for the show they flaunt over being shitty. Clearly, they’re always making the show the way it is.

Tip 4: If you haven’t heard much about a newer film or show you’re yet to watch, there’s an 85% chance that film or show is actually not worth your time. The Father (2020) isn’t as widespread as Joker (2019) for a reason.

Tip 5: At this point, just go for the Asian Artist Dick. I’m actually in the mood to see merit in that because I want to look edgy against cute doodles. Stop attacking Uzaki-Chan, you cowards!

Tip 6: Avoid the electronic tunes. They’ll make you smell like a bum, for there’s no structural in a music album that’s nothing but wubs.

Tip 7: If you see a Tweet that looks dumb, use it as a means of generalizing all the fans of a work as sharing that same opinion.

Tip 8: If the cartoon I’m given doesn’t provide me with mature ideas such as slicing an Arbok in half or fake boobs, then the cartoon might as well be on the same level as Teletubbies.

Tip 9: You know the music is (c)rap when it brings up drugs, regardless of lyrical context.

Tip 10:  Raw mood is the indicator of quality cartooning. If you’re quick to assume the worst in the newest HBO Max original cartoon, then you got thyself a stinker. Same thing if you were super bummed out when watching a new thing, regardless of anecdotal context.

Tip 11:  When you’re not given continuous throwbacks, ensure you’re as reductive and over-generalizing about the works shown as possible.

Tip 12:  If your hazy and imperfect as hell recollection of a children’s film, whether it’s Wall-E or Lilo & Stitch, would describe said film as “too sugary” or “key-waving schlock”, then that HAS to be the case. No meat on that bone whatsoever.

Tip 13: Simpler, more graphic style that isn’t as realistic as old-school Disney or Anime? You got yourself a lazy style with zero passion put into it.

UPA? Who’s THAT?!

Tip 14: Don’t trust anyone saying that western children’s cartoons had any form of artistic development after 2008 (with, like, TWO exceptions). If it did, why didn’t we go from stealing organs in a 2001 cartoon to showing opened stomachs in a 2021 cartoon?

Tip 15: Big booba is always important to the strong female character’s quality.

Tip 16:  Only MY ships count, for they provide me with a feeling of intelligence.

Tip 17: “PG-13″ and “R” rating just simply mean you’re not caring for expressing themes in a sophisticated manner. It’s just THAT simple until I dictate otherwise.

Tip 18:  In this age of smelly radicals, “Death of the Author” is more important than ever. Without it, this’ll imply that a classic like The Matrix was secretly toxic, due to what the Wachowskis have to say about it being an “allegory of trans people.”

Tip 19: Turn the fandoms you hate into your torture porn. Ask in Tweets to Retweet one sentence that’d “trigger” them. Go out of your way to paint all of them as blind consoomers. That’ll show them, and it’ll show how much more intelligent you are compared to those clowns.

Tip 20: Whatever the Mystic Knee dictates upon the first viewing of a work is what shall indicate the full structural extent of the film.

Tip 21: The mindset of a 2000s edgelord is one that actually understands the artistry of the medium of animation. Listen to that crazy but ingenious man.

Tip 22: Because sheer ambition makes me feel manly, the high pedestal you bestow upon a cartoon work should be based mostly on the mere mention or mere suggestion of serious topics. This means that pure comedy is smelly.

Tip 23: Is the new work tackling subjects that you’ve loved a childhood work of yours for covering? Just assume it’s super bare-bones in that case compared to the older case, for there’s nothing the older work can do to truly prove itself otherwise. Seriously, Letterboxd. Stop giving any 2010s cartoon anything above a 4/5

Tip 24: If the Mystic Knee is suggesting that the work is crummy, then consider any explanation off the top of your head for why the work in question is crummy.

Tip 25: Sexual and gender identity is inherently political, so don’t focus on them in the story. It’s no wonder why Full Metal Alchemist has caught on more than the She-Ra reboot.

Tip 26: Since I got bothered by a random butt monkey type character in a crummy cartoon, I’m now obligated to assume that having a butt monkey will only harm the writing integrity of the cartoon.

Seriously, Mr. Enter....what?!

Tip 27: We’re at a point where pure comedy for a kids’ cartoon is doing nothing but dumbing down the children. Like seriously...... I doubt Billy and Mandy would ever use farts as a punchline, unlike these newer kids comedies.

Tip 28: The difference between the innuendo in kids’ cartoons I grew up on and the ones Zootopia made is the sense of prestige they give me. Just take notes from the former instead.

Tip 29: Wanna make a work of artistic merit? Just take notes from the stuff I whore out to. It’s just THAT simple until I dictate otherwise.

Tip 30: Always remember this golden rule: If the newer work, or a work you’ve recently experienced the first time, was truly great, why isn’t it providing the exact emotions from your younger, more impressionable years?

Tip 31: If the Mystic Knee aims to break the bones of a character doing certain things (.i.e. having body count of thousands; lashing out to character; etc.), that means the character is bad and deserves no redemption.

Tip 32: If you want me to believe there’s any intrigue or depth in your antagonist, give them redemption, for I am in need of that sorta thing being spelled out. Looking at you, Syndrome. Should’ve taken notes from Tai Lung.

Tip 33: In a case where you’re going “X > Y” (.i.e. manga compared to western comics), ALWAYS CHERRY PICK! Use the recent controversies of the “Y” item while pretending that the “X” item has never had anything of the sort.

Tip 34: BEFORE you bring up those comments that shat on the original Teen Titans cartoon back when it was new, whether for making Starfire “more PC” or whatever.......the DIFFERENCE between them and me is that THEY were just bad faith fools that couldn’t see true majesty out of blind rage. I, however, am truly certain that calling any western TV cartoon from 2014-onward a work that transcends its generation suggests a destruction of the medium.

Tip 35: Based on fandom growth, it shows that any newer show isn’t being watched much by kids, but rather loser adults that act like children. Therefore, there’s more prestige in what I grew with.

Tip 36: The focus on children is bad at this point since the children of today have attention spans that flies would have.

Tip 37: A select few screenshots (or even one) of either a less elaborate attacking animation, less realistic game graphics, or a less on-model image in a cartoon indicates EVERYTHING about the work’s quality.

Tip 38: Consuming or writing media where characters go through constant suffering is little more than gaining pleasure out of it. YOU SICKOS!

Looking at you, Lily Orchard!

Tip 39: Whether it’s a sexual awakening story or just simply a romance, focus on a character being lesbian, trans, bi, etc., then it shouldn’t be in a kids’ work. It’s too spicy for them by default. Kids don’t want romance anyway.

Tip 40: The very idea of a western cartoon with no full-blown antagonist (i.e. Inside Out) is a destruction of animated artistry. Sorry, but it’s just THAT simple until I dictate otherwise.

Tip 41: Unless it’s my fluffy pillow, such as Disney’s Robin Hood, it should be obligated to assume the inserting of anthros is only there to pleasure the furries. Looking at YOU, Zootopia!

Tip 42: With how rough and rash The Beast was, it shows that he was more of an abusive lover. Therefore, I refuse to believe that Beauty and the Beast has any of the meticulous moral writing that most of Disney’s other 90s films has.

Tip 43: When you suggest one work should’ve “taken notes” from another work in order to do better, BE VAGUE! Those who agree will be shown to be geniuses.

Tip 44: Remember how morally grey Invader Zim was? That really goes to show how little the Western Animation scene has been trying since that show. Really should just be taking notes from that series (and of course anime).

Tip 45: Even if I have a radar that clearly indicates such, hiding the item I look for inside an enemy is always bad, for I refuse to believe it would be inside the enemy.

Goddamn it, Arin!

Tip 46: People struggle understanding your gender identity or pronouns? All there is to see in that is a giant cloud of egotism that reads “My problems” zapping another smaller cloud that reads “other people’s problems”. Seriously, kids are starving, so WHAT if you identity confused someone. Grow a spine!

Tip 47: Stop pretending that adaptations should colorize how a story or comic series should be defined. No way in FUCK can a cartoon or film incarnation become the definitive portrayal of my precious superhero idol.

Tip 48: Enough with your precious “limited animation” techniques, YOU WESTERN HACKS! All you’re doing is admitting to sheer laziness and lacking artistic integrity. Now if you excuse me, I’ll be watching more anime, since that gives me a sense of prestige.

Tip 49: If getting five times more detail than the 2D animated visuals have requires someone getting hurt, so be it. No pain, no gain after all.

Tip 50: Yes, I genuinely struggle to believe there’s this majestic level of layered material without having the most immediate yet still vague re-assurance practically yelling in my face. But that’s STILL the work’s fault, not mine.

Tip 51: Every Klasky-Csupo cartoon has more artistic integrity than any of them cartoons with gay lovers such as Kipo or the Netflix She-Ra show.

Tip 52:  If Sergio Pablos’ Klaus is anything to go by, we have no excuse to utilize those smelly as fuck digital animation “styles” found on Stinky Universe, Suck-Ra or Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.

Tip 53: Stop projecting your orientation onto works of actual talent. Seriously, how does Elton John’s I’m Still Standing expel ANY rainbow flag energy?

Tip 54: Hip hop and electronica have been the destruction of music, especially the kind that’s actually organic and not farting on the buttons of a beeping or drumming gadget.

Tip 55: The audience for cartoons has become significantly less clear over the years. We should just go back to Saturday mornings of being sold toys or shit kids actually want.

Tip 56: PSAs for kids shouldn’t be about ‘woke’ content. They should be actual problems such as doing drugs; not playing with knifes / outlets / matches; or acceptance.

Tip 57: The instant you realize a detail in a childhood work that’s better understood as an adult, you’re forced to paint that work as the most transcendent thing in the world. It’s just THAT simple until I dictate otherwise.

Tip 58: Before you lash out on ALL rich people, remember this: #Not All Rich People.

Tip 59: There’s nothing to gain out of the (c)rap scene other than becoming a spiteful, gun-wielding thug that sniffs weed for breakfast.

Tip 60: Since the Mystic Knee told me to get anal about prom episodes in several gay cartoons, this shows that writing about one’s younger experiences just makes you look pathetic.

Tip 61: Another smelly thing about Zootopia is how it was painting a police chief as stern and exclusive. #Not All Chiefs

Tip 62: Me catching a glimpse of Grave of the Fireflies as a kid and turning out fine shows that you may as well show kids more adult works without worry. No amount of psychological questions being asked will suggest otherwise.

Tip 63: There’s a reason why the Mystic Knee keeps leaning more toward the 90s and early 2000s than most decades. That knee KNOWS where there’s a sense of true refinement.

Tip 64: The BIG difference between rock and electronica? Steward Copeland actually DRUMS. All that the likes of Burial, Boards of Canada, Depeche Mode and several others did was push drum buttons.

Tip 65: One exception to the golden nostalgia is when the work in question doesn’t stuff your face with fantastical, bombastic stories. At which point, there can only be rose-colored blinds covering Nickelodeon’s Doug. Nothing of merit or personal resonance to be found.

Tip 66: Remember that the sense of nuance in the work comes down to there being everything including the kitchen sink, whether it involves multiple geographic landscapes; giving us hundreds of characters; etc. Only through the extremes will I be able to tell there is nuance.

Tip 67: Once you see a joke that has an involvement with sexual or violent content, just ignore the full picture and just reduce it to having nothing to it but “sex, violence, gimme claps.”

PKRussel has entered the chat

Tip 68: With all the SJWs messing up the art of comedy, lament the times where you could be called a comic genius, NOT a monster, for shouting out the word “STAB,” calling a gay weird, painting Middle Easterns as inherently violent, etc.

Tip 69: Guitar twang will always win out over (c)rap beats. There’s a reason your grandma is more likely to listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd than Kendrick Lamar.

Tip 70: Once the Mystic Knee notices a lack of squealing at the video game with linearity, that shows there’s more artistry in going full-blown open world.

Tip 71: Related to Tips 66 and 68, ensure your comedy gets as much information and mileage out of each individual skit as possible. EMPHASIZE if you need to. Continuously spout out your quirky phrase of “STAB” if needed.

Tip 72: Based on the onslaught of TV shows with many seasons and episodes, animated or otherwise, it shows that there’s more worth going for that than simply having a miniseries or a 26-episode anime.

Tip 73: Building off of the previous tip, you’re better off squeezing and exhausting every little detail and notable characterization rather than keeping anything simple and possibly leaving a stone unturned, especially if there’s supposed to be a story. 

Tip 74: Playing through the fan translation of Mother 3 made me realize how much some newer kids’ works just try too hard to get serious. Why even make the kids potentially think about the death of a family member?

Tip 75: The fear I had over Sid’s toys from the first Toy Story and similar anecdotal emotions are the be-all indicators of what kind of show or film is fitting for the children.

Tip 76:  Seeing this British rapper chick have a song titled “Point and Kill” just further exemplifies the fears I’ve had about rappers being some of the most harmful folks ever.

Tip 77: The problem with attempting to make a more “relatable” She-Ra is that kids aren’t looking for relatability. They want the escapism of buff fighters or something similar. This is why slice-of-life is so smelly.

Tip 78: Based on seeing the rating of “PG-13″ or “R,” I can tell that the dark humor is little more than “hur dur sex and guns.” Given the “TV-Y7 FV” rating of Invader Zim, the writers should’ve taken notes from that instead just so I can sense actual prestige.

Tip 79: The original He-Man has more visual intrigue in its animation than any of those smelly glorified doodles found in the “styles" of the 2010s and early 2020s.

Tip 80: It’s always the fault of the game that my first guess (that I refuse to divert from) on how I have to go through an obstacle won’t work.

Tip 81: Zootopia discussing prejudice ruins the majestic escapism I got from my precious childhood films from 1991-2004. Them kids might as well be watching the news. Now to watch some Hunchback after I finish these tips.

Tip 82: There is no such thing as an unreasonable expectation, and there’s especially no wrong way to address the lack of met expectations! For example, if you expect some early 2010s cartoon on the Disney Channel to be a Kids X-Files, yet you get moments such as some girl getting high on stick dipping candy, you got the right to paint the worst out of that show for not being “Kids’ X-Files.”

Tip 83: Related to my example for Tip 82, if you get the slightest impression of something being childish, you know you got yourself a children’s work that does little than wave keys and has basically nothing substantial for them. In this situation, those malfunctioning robots found in Wall-E are the guilty party.

Tip 84: Without the extensive dialogue that I’m used to getting, how can one say for certain there was any amount of characterization in the title character of Wall-E?

Tip 85: Ever noticed yourself gradually being less likely to expect an upcoming work or view a work you’re just consuming as “the next best thing”? That’s ALWAYS the fault of smelly “artists” (hacks really) and their refusal to give a shit.

Tip 86:  It’s obligatory for your lead to be explicitly heroic just so there is this immediate re-assurance that they’re a good one.

Tip 87: Without the comforting safety net of throwbacks, one cannot be for certain that there has been an actual evolution of a series or the art of animation and video games.

Tip 88: Don’t PSA kids on stuff they give zero fucks about. That means no gender identities or pronouns, race, etc.

Tip 89: Don’t listen to Mamoru Hosoda saying that anime women tend to be “depicted through a lens” of sexual desire. He’s just distracting from the superior prestige found in anime women.

Tip 90:  If you’re desperate to let others know that your talking points are reasonable, just repeat them over and over with little expansion on said talking points.

Tip 91: 7 or more seasons of art is better than 26 episodes of art.  EVERY TIME!

Tip 92: Always remember to continuously talk up the innuendo and mature subject matter of the childhood work as the most prestigious, transcendent thing of all time. With that in mind, there’s a high chance that your favorite childhood work will be better known than Perfect Blue (1997), and there’s likely a reason for that.

Tip 93: An art style that gives many characters relatively more realistic arm muscle details will always shine through more than any sort of art style done for “simplicity” (laziness, really).

Tip 94:  Seeing a few (like, even VERY FEW) people show more enthusiasm for Steven Universe over Invader Zim really shows the lower bar that has been expected out of the western animation scene compared to anime.

Tip 95: Electronic music makes less conventional time signatures cheap as hell. REAL music like rock makes them the exact opposite.

Tip 96: If your Mystic Knee suggests that the 90s cartoon being viewed doesn’t showcase a vague sense of refinement or artistic integrity, then every related assumption of yours is right. EVERY TIME!

Tip 97: Doing everything and the kitchen sink for one series or movie shows a better sense of refinement and prestige than any form of simplicity. THIS includes character design as well.

Tip 98: The advent of that Star Wars: Visions anime really shows just how stinky western cartoons have become.

Tip 99:  For those wondering, no, Europe isn’t being counted in my definition of “western animation”. Doing so is a complete disservice to prestige.

Tip 100: If even less than half of these tips aren’t being considered, you can kiss that prestige badge goodbye. After all, I SAID SO!

[bodyofvvater]

sweetheart

quite frankly got no fucking clue if this is even good at this point but i spent time on it so im posting it anyway. it’s soft. it’s gay. thats it

julia ortega/f!sidestep, 2.1k words, basically just a long-ass discussion about sexuality. slight retribution spoilers ahead

--- “So how did you know?”

The question comes out of the blue, breaks the sleepy silence that had settled between you. Your thoughts were elsewhere, muddled and quiet for once, still a little high off of Ortega’s hands, but her words drag them back to the present.

“How did I know what?” you ask. You can’t tell what thread she’s pulling on, can’t even dig into her head for answers, so you have to find out the old fashioned way.

“That you’re… Well, not straight,” Ortega explains. A little sheepish smile; “I guess I never asked you what you call yourself.”

A short silence.

“Lesbian, I guess,” you say then, and you’ve never said that out loud before, but that tends to be how it goes with Ortega. She asks questions you never thought to ask yourself, and then you spit out your gut reaction and hope it doesn’t come back to bite you.

Not that this is entirely a gut reaction. Not that you haven’t spent too much time trying to put words to it. Trying to find an answer for why you’ve found yet another way to set yourself apart from the hive. Another defect, you used to think. These days you try not to think about it at all. 

Not that Ortega knows that.

“I told you how I figured out I was bi earlier,” she continues in the absence of any further explanation on your part, and you try not to linger on earlier, because what comes after that is warm hands and soft kisses and no, not going there right now. 

“You did,” you agree, because you know she wants to continue, and you shouldn’t let her, but she’s smiling and you don’t want her to stop. Sucker.

“I guess I… Well, I’m curious,” she admits, hand reaching out to touch your shin next to her on the couch. The casual intimacy of it makes your heart leap into your throat. “If you don’t mind talking about it. Not that you have to! We can leave it, if you want.”

I do, you want to say, and don’t ask me again. You don’t know why it’s a sore spot; if anything, this is one of the few things that should be easy. This is one part of you she knows, one secret you don’t have to keep. Not even really a secret at all--if she ever had doubts that you liked women, sleeping with her probably dispelled the last of them.

So why do you want to keep it anyway?

“It’s… a little complicated,” you sigh in the end, because as much as you want to keep this to yourself, you also want to see the way Ortega’s eyes light up when she realizes you’re sharing. It’s a stupid, soft look on her, and you’re even stupider and softer for the way your heart flutters in your chest, but you’ve already indulged yourself plenty tonight, so what’s a little softness to top it off.

“How so?” she asks, interested. In you. You try not to dwell too much on that. 

“I don’t know, I guess no one ever really told me what I was supposed to be,” you say, and maybe it’s a bit of a lie in the grand scheme of things, but in this particular instance it’s true. You weren’t built for feelings or romance, not beyond necessary performance. You were never expected to think about it. “It didn’t come up. All of that wasn’t even on my radar until—”

Until I met you, you stop yourself from saying, and suddenly you can’t look at her. That’s another layer to this you don’t need; Ortega knowing what she does to you. What she means to you. Still.

You dare a half-glance at her out of your peripheral, and it tells you all you need to know; your silence speaks too loudly. Even if she doesn’t know, she has an idea now. Ortega’s expression has gone all gentle and open, looking at you like something precious. It makes you want to scratch at your arms, but you wring your fingers tightly together in your lap to keep them still.

“I,” you start again, but the words don’t come, so you start over. “It’s not like I wasn’t… looking, before. The implications just didn’t register.”

That part is honest enough that you cringe a little. Even before you had a mind of your own, you were always aware that women were aesthetically more appealing than men. It just took you a while before you realized that wasn’t a universal truth.

“So no, uh… relationships before? Then?” Ortega asks, and the absence of her usual smooth demeanor would be a triumph if the unspoken before me? wasn’t so blatantly obvious. As it stands, you force yourself to meet her eyes, because you need the upper hand back, and head-on is the only way you know how to get it.

“I told you this was my first time,” you say with a scowl, stubbornly ignoring the way your face flushes.

“Right,” she amends, wearing a smile that’s halfway between smug and apologetic, “I just meant normal stuff, like dating.”

The word normal feels like a punch to the gut, and it’s a struggle not to get angry. You’re not entirely sure you succeed, and you think she sees it too. The smile dims considerably, just the slightest shadow of it left.

“Sorry,” she says, although you don’t think she knows what she’s saying sorry for, and you’re not about to tell her. 

“No relationships before Sidestep,” you say instead, backtracking to the last semblance of comfortable territory in this conversation. “Or during, for that matter.” You both know that part’s not entirely true, but you’re not about to admit that.

“That doesn’t really answer my question,” Ortega says, all careful and quiet. She knows she’s stepping on uneven ground, but she does it anyway. That’s your fault, you suppose; you’ve let her get away with too much. You’re gonna let her get away with more.

“What do you mean?” you ask even though you know, because you’re not giving up without a fight, at the very least.

“I asked when you knew,” she says. “Or how you knew, I guess. If you have an answer.”

You keep your eye contact out of sheer spite, but it’s a close thing. You’re not sure why it hits as hard as it does; it’s just a question, and a personal one at that. It should be annoying. Maybe it still is. That doesn’t stop your eyes from burning a little at the tenderness you find in hers.

Maybe it’s just that she cares. You’re still not used to that. You don’t know if you can ever be.

“It’s not a very interesting story,” you sigh, and for a moment you can’t even remember if there’s much of a story at all. Then the memory hits you, hard enough to force something that might sound like an embarrassed laugh out of you. Not that you would ever be caught dead actually doing that. 

“I went to go get antiseptic and band-aids a little after my debut,” you mumble in the futile hope that Ortega won’t be able to hear. As if the room isn’t quiet enough to be able to hear a pin drop. “I wasn’t very good at the whole sidestepping business yet, and I needed to patch myself up. I didn’t know the layout of the store, though, and my eye was kinda swollen, so I had to ask the clerk to show me where stuff was.”

You pause, waiting for Ortega to make some quip about you? Asking for help? I never thought I’d see the day, but she stays quiet. Just looks at you, like every word out of your mouth is a favor.

That particular thought gets booted as soon as it appears.

“So this woman follows me to the right aisle, and she’s, like, stupidly gorgeous. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, looked like she could pick me up no problem.”

This time, Ortega doesn’t stay quiet, and you realize what just came out of your mouth a second too late. “Got a type there?” There’s a smug smile on her lips now, and it would be so easy to just kick your leg out and wipe it off, but you decide to have mercy. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to fight her later, of that you are sure. 

That’s the only reason. Definitely not because the warm presence of her hand on your leg is a comfort you don’t want to give up.

“Shut up,” you say instead, and she does, but she keeps smiling. Idiot. “So she shows me where the stuff I need is, and she gets something off a shelf for me, and as she hands it to me she goes ‘here you are, sweetheart’.”

“Aw, was that when you realized?” Ortega cuts in, sounding much too fond and much too smug. “A pet name?”

You sigh, weighing the pros and cons of letting her keep her assumptions and ending the story there. It’s a plausible ending, and Ortega certainly doesn’t need to know any more embarrassing details about you. She already knows what you sound like with her mouth anywhere lower than your collarbones, and that’s more than enough.

But she’s looking at you and her eyes are all lit up, and the hand on your leg is on your knee now, and you feel so human it’s almost a little overwhelming. Just one step removed from normal, so close. You want to step closer. Just to see what it’s like. Just to try. Hand on the stove just to make sure it’s hot.

This is stupid, you tell yourself, this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done, and then you do it anyway, just to spite yourself.

“Not exactly,” you mumble, trying to stop your lips from quirking up into a smile. You don’t need to give Ortega outright permission to laugh. “I got… a little flustered. I guess. And I started backing away and I-- well, there was another customer crouched down to get something on a shelf right behind me.”

“Wait, you--?” Ortega begins, but you don’t let her finish.

“I fell on my ass and took some old dude and two shelves of band-aids with me.” Your face is burning, but you’re determined not to acknowledge it.

“Hania!” Ortega exclaims, sits up straight so suddenly the movement nearly makes you jump. A huge grin takes up her entire face, and you hate that it’s contagious. “You’re kidding! That doesn’t even sound like you!”

“Yeah, well, it was a different time.” You try for your best approximation of a scowl, but you think it ends up more like reluctant amusement, which is too true to be comfortable. “Figured that wasn’t the average straight experience. The specifics came later.”

“And all that because of a pet name.” It’s not a question. Ortega raises an amused eyebrow at you, and Christ, you’re going to regret telling her this, but it’s worth it for how average you feel. Just a moment where the constant wailing storm of what you’ve done and what you have to do calms down to a faint hum.

“Not all because of a pet name,” you protest, because that’s what you do.

“Oh, is that so, sweetheart?” she asks, all self-satisfied confidence, and the hand that has lightly rested on your leg until now curls to your calf, grips securely and pulls. You want to be angry at how easy it still is for her to just move you as she pleases, but you can’t help the little thrill as she smoothly coaxes you off the armrest you had been propped up against. 

“Shut up,” you say, most definitely not smiling like an infatuated idiot, now lying flat on your back on the couch. Certainly not smiling wider when she moves to join you, chest to chest and noses almost touching. All soft, warm pressure, a comfort you’re going to complain about later to regain a little self-control.

“What’s the matter, babe?” she asks, hand on your thigh now, and you ignore the resulting flip of your stomach in favor of rolling your eyes at her. “Baby? Honey? Love? If you don’t pick one, I’ll just keep using all of them.”

“You’re such a pain in the ass,” you complain, bumping her nose a little with yours. If you’re creative, you can convince yourself it’s an acceptable substitute for the punch you should be throwing.

“Are you saying you don’t like it?” Her voice is all feigned innocence, and you want to call her on it, because she knows damn well that’s not what you’re saying. But that would entail actually telling her as much, and that’s not going to happen.

“Shut up,” you say again instead. Then you kiss her to make sure she does.

[helloanonymouswriter]

Second Thoughts || Phan

Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/410757529-phan-one-shots-~-second-thoughts

Second Thoughts

Words: 8382

Summary: Dan's dared to date Jessica Lester. However to do so, he needs to befriend her brother and be approved by him.

"It's pointless mate - she might like your mug but she doesn't date anyone unless her brother approves. He has a 'good guy' radar or something." Joe snickered at Dan who stared at Jessica Lester as she walked by. She was the most beautiful girl in school with her long strawberry blond hair, porcelain skin and bewitching blue eyes. Her curves prominent as she swayed.

"Give it up Howell." Derek chuckled, "You'd never bag a girl like her." Dan turned round and glared at his friends. Well, he said his friends - more like the assholes who were in the 'popular' clique that he happened to be a part of. Putting up with them at least got him a lot of positive attention and no endless line of girls. He liked the attention, liked being popular. However he did miss having a real friend; the closest person to that description was his neighbour Louise but she went to a different school.

"I could so." Dan rose to challenge - ego flaring. "And I'm not going to get just any girl like her, I'm going to get her." Dan smirked. He was an idiot - but he always found himself doing stupid things to remain on his popular pedestal. It earned him respect ... something Dan could do without if his ego was anything to go by.

"Yeah right." Sam grinned and stuffed his lunch in his mouth.

"You'll see. All I have to do is be friends with this Lester guy right? It's easy." Dan boasted although he was panicking a little inside. Why did he always dig himself into these messes?

"Alright but if you haven't bagged her by the end of the month you owe me ten quid." Joe smirked.

"Deal."

Dan was an idiot.

~

Dan bit his lip, staring at the back of Phil Lester's head. How the hell could he spark a possible friendship without being too obvious with his intentions? He frowned as he tried to figure out a plan. The lesson was nearly over and Dan was frustrated with his lack of ideas. He felt like a failure by the time the bell rang and was already thinking of the smug expression on Joe's face when he forked over ten pounds.

He eyed Phil as he left, noticing how Jessica joined him in leaving the classroom - clearly they were close so he couldn't chance offending Phil in any way when he finally got Jessica. "Mr Howell." The teacher drawled as he was about to leave. Dan stiffened before gritting his teeth and turning towards the maths teacher - Mr Archer. Dan had the daunting suspicion that this was about his grades - he'd been slacking off because of all the parties he'd been invited to. Honestly he'd rather stay in bed and watch anime but he could never let his friends know. They'd class him as one of those hentai weirdos. Besides, Dan had an image to uphold and going to parties was cool.

"Yes sir?" Dan asked with a false smile.

"I don't think you should be smiling young man. We both know what this is about. You should spend less time socialising and more time studying. Exams are coming up y'know. I suggest you get a tutor or risk failing your exam." The teacher spoke sharply and Dan felt a sinking in his gut. Despite his popular-boy image he really did care about his grades. He didn't let anyone know but he was the top in English - it was his strongest subject and he hoped to pursue it in university. Once high school was over he didn't need to worry about labels anymore - he could be his normal anime loving self.

"Yes sir." Dan muttered before trudging out of the room. Well his day got ten times worse. He'd have to cut down on the parties. Dan gave a huff before an idea struck him. Phil was smart right? He grinned. "Thank you Mr Archer." Dan whispered to himself before hurrying to his next class.

Fortunately he shared that with Phil as well. He waited impatiently for the hour to pass until the bell rang again. He almost jumped out of his seat. He waited as a few of his friends were having a conversation with him. Just before Phil was about to leave Dan tapped his shoulder, feeling a little nervous. The boy turned round and Dan was struck for a moment - most of the time he saw the back of his head and wasn't prepared for the similarities he and his sister had. He had the bright blue eyes and porcelain skin - not to mention the natural smile that seemed to rest on their pink lips. However instead of strawberry blond a black fringe adorned his head which was a stark contrast to his skin like ink on snow. Dan was momentarily speechless; he had never admitted it to anyone other than Louise, but he was bi and Phil was definitely ticking all the boxes for his male type. Dan quickly shook that thought away. He may have been attractive but Jessica was like an angel - pure and beautiful.

"H-hi." Dan found himself blurting and internally groaned as he stumbled back to normality.

Phil continued to smile, a hint of curiosity behind his eyes. "Can I help?"

"Uh, yes you can actually." Dan began, finding his confidence once more and smiling charmingly at the boy. "Basically my grades have been a bit lacking in maths recently - which was brought to my attention by the ever charming Archer who politely suggested that I get my shit together and find a tutor." Dan explained and Phil chuckled a little at Dan's tone. "So, basically, with a slight loss of dignity, I'm asking if you'd help me." Dan asked and bit his lip. He would have had to kiss Jessica goodbye if Phil said no - trying again would only make the boy suspicious. He probably wouldn't be allowed to kiss Jessica goodbye now that he thought about it. Phil'd probably kick him in the nuts.

Phil clicked his tongue, thinking it over. Dan found a bit of desperation leaking through his eyes; he honestly couldn't stand Joe's gloating. A loss of ten quid wasn't anything to celebrate either. "Alright, but if we're doing this we're doing it properly. No being a dick, no blowing me off for parties and I don't want any shit from your asshole friends ok?" Phil laid out the rules and Dan felt an anxiousness wash over him. Phil knew about Dan and his friends; he was a lot more cautious than he predicted. Dan would have to tiptoe on eggshells to lower Phil's guard - especially within a month.

"Aye, aye captain." Dan found himself replying with a smirk. Phil just smiled.

"Alright, we'll start tomorrow after school. We can go to mine as Jessica has volley ball practice and my parents are working." Phil suggested - more like commanded.

"Sounds peachy." Dan grinned cheekily and Phil shook his head lightly before turning to leave. He got two steps before turning round again. "We should probably exchange numbers so I can schedule our sessions." Phil added.

"Kinky." Dan found himself saying with a grin before internally panicking. Oh god did he just let his flirty bisexual side out a little there? God he needed to get a handle on that quick or Phil could get the wrong idea.

Phil looked a little surprised at his comment but laughed anyway. "Well, give me your phone then." Dan found himself fumbling about his skinny jean pockets until he clumsily handed it over. He needed to get a fucking grip. Phil typed in his number and created a contact before swiftly handing it back. "If you don't text me before tomorrow afternoon then I'm not tutoring you, I don't have time for trouble." Phil warned, staring right into Dan's eyes. Dan swallowed, did he actually feel ... intimidated? Phil did have a bit more muscle than him - specifically in his arms and shoulders ... jesus his shoulders ... focus Dan!

"Don't worry about it." Dan assured and finally Phil was gone. Dan stood alone in silence for a moment, trying to comprehend his actions from the previous conversation. "I need a slap." he sighed to himself before leaving the classroom.

~

"You're late." Phil raised an eyebrow. Dan furrowed his brows.

"By five minutes." He pouted.

"You're still late." Phil smirked. Dan rolled his eyes in response - was Phil going to be one of those strict teacher types? Dan felt a curl of frustration in his gut at the thought of holding back around him. He naturally liked to challenge people and hated the thought of censoring himself.

"Who are you, the time police?" Dan snorted before internally cursing. He was supposed to make Phil like him, not insult him. Although, he doubted anyone would really call it an insult. Dan was cautious though - he needed to leave a good impression.

"No, Time Lord actually." Phil smirked and started walking towards his car, expecting Dan to follow.

"More like a Judoon with that nose." Dan muttered under his breath. However Phil turned back to him with wide eyes. Crap.

"Excuse me?" Phil laughed in shock.

"Hm?" Dan played dumb, internally cursing himself once again for not holding back on the retaliation.

"I'd make a crack about how bad of an insult that was but honestly I'm too shocked that someone like you actually watches Doctor Who." Phil smirked. Dan felt oddly offended.

"Someone like me?" Dan asked and watched as Phil slid into the drivers seat. He jumped into the passenger before repeating, "Someone like me?"

Phil giggled. "Yeah." Dan scowled, just who did he think he was?

"And what exactly am I like?" Dan asked as Phil turned the key in the ignition.

"Oh you know ... popular ..." Dan couldn't argue with that. "... pompous ... arrogant ... egotistical, proud, petty, vain." Dan's jaw dropped.

"I beg your pardon?" Dan spluttered. Making friends seemed like a goal out of reach at this point. Phil only chuckled again. Dan opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish. He let his frustration leak through, "I am not petty or arrogant or pompous ... and I don't see how that makes me someone who wouldn't enjoy Doctor Who." Dan ranted.

Phil's lips quirked, "Touché, I apologise if my stereotypes wounded you." Dan was about to retort but held his tongue. Patience Dan, you're here to make friends not enemies.

"I am wounded." Dan pouted instead.

"Aw I'm sorry." Phil grinned brightly - his expression seemed to contradict his apology. Dan felt blinded - god he was like a ray of sunshine. How the hell was he supposed to be mad at someone like that? Dan flushed at his thoughts.

"Mhm." Dan hummed before staring out the window. God Dan just act normal. You need to get on his good side not act like a fool.

A few minutes passed by with comfortable silence until Phil spoke up again. "I am actually sorry. I don't usually stereotype. I'd hate if someone did that to me." Dan turned to see a more serious expression on Phil's face. Dan didn't like it, he preferred Phil's happy face.

He smiled despite himself, "It's honestly fine Phil. I get why you think that way." Dan sighed, feeling a stab of self deprecation in his gut. Sometimes he hated who he was - most of the time he liked being popular - there were nights however where he wanted to tear through the polished skin of high school douche bag and be the anime loving sexually ambiguous nerd he truly was. He pushed the feeling down - he didn't need to start feeling insecure in front of Phil. They hardly knew each other and Dan didn't feel like revealing his inner demons so early into the friendship.

"Well I believe in getting to know the person before judging them, I guess it just slipped out." Phil continued.

"What all those words just slipped out one after another. I dunno you sounded pretty sure to me." Dan teased.

"Shut up." Phil smiled softly before turning into his driveway. It wasn't long until they were in the door, up the stairs and approaching Phil's room. Dan was tempted to ask when Jessica would be home but knew it would only arouse suspicion. Soon they were in Phil's room and Dan paused in the doorway, taking in the onslaught of colour. Posters covered almost every inch of wall, faded blue peeking through the cracks.

Dan felt excitement swell in his chest when he spotted the 'Origin of Symmetry' and 'The Resistance' posters above his bed. "You like Muse?!" He found himself blurting before he could process this information. Almost everyone he knew at school had no idea who they were - too obsessed with the mainstream crap looping the charts. He'd tried to engage Louise in his obsession but she just didn't share his absolute adoration for the band and Matt Bellamy's glorious vocal range.

"Duh, they're my favourite band." Phil beamed and Dan felt a jolt in his chest. Dammit I can't not like him now. He tried to tone down his inner fanboy.

"Yeah they're cool I guess." Dan tried to pass off and Phil chuckled again. Dan was a little annoyed with how he could see right through him. "Anyway." Dan coughed, subtly admiring the other bands and TV shows that adorned his walls. God dammit does he have no faults? Dan pondered.

"Let's jump right in. Get your maths notes out." Phil instructed, settling comfortably in his desk chair. Dan sat on the bed.

He went to reach for his bag then paused. "Oh ... um ..." Dan started, feeling a blush rise to his cheeks. Phil raised an eyebrow. "I um ... I don't have my notes ..." Dan admitted sheepishly. Phil stared at him incredulously, trying to process Dan's idiocy.

"You don't ... what?" Phil frowned. "Why the hell don't you have your maths notes for a maths tutoring?" Phil asked, confusion clear. Dan felt his body get hotter in embarrassment.

"W-we didn't have maths today, I didn't pack it." Dan tried to defend himself.

"Unbelievable." Phil shook his head before tossing his notes to Dan. "You can use them this time but please don't forget them again." Phil chuckled.

"Thanks." Dan muttered, trying to calm his red complexion.

"Okay, let's start with surds..."

~

"Uuuuuuuuuuugh." Dan groaned - textbook squashing his face. He was done with Maths - absolutely completely fucking done. He didn't give a shit if he failed the exam - his brain couldn't cope.

"Hush up cry baby." Phil chuckled from his desk chair. This had been happening all week - three days of tutoring and fractions and algebra and vectors and AAAAAAAAAH. Dan thought he'd explode; he was so sick of numbers he felt ill whenever he saw them.

"Can we please take a break?" Dan pleaded weakly, textbook sliding off his face as he turned to look at Phil.

"It's only been half an hour." Phil scoffed.

"Yeah out of 10 hours this week!" Dan nearly shrieked in protest. He could hardly process in class and felt tired from the evenings with Phil and his damn Algebra.

"More like 2 hours, you get distracted too easily." Phil muttered.

"Oh I'm sorry we spent the whole time talking about more interesting things!" Dan huffed, sitting up and crossing his arms at the other boy.

"I'm here to tutor you not chat with you." Phil countered.

"Sorry if I thought friends actually talked to each other." Dan snorted before pausing. Oops, had he really let that slip? Wasn't that being pushy? Shit shit shit.

"We're friends?" Phil asked with a smirk and Dan felt himself flush. Crap - he doesn't want to be friends - it was all for nothing and now he had a math-induced headache. What a waste of fucking time, honestly. He'd really liked talking about his interests too! Ungrateful Lester who didn't appreciate his efforts.

Instead of voicing these thoughts he stuttered, "W-well I-I dunno, m-maybe I thought- but maybe not I-I guess we're not- I just assumed 'cause w-we'd been talking- but whatever forget it." Shoot me and my god damn bumbling mouth. Dan thought bitterly.

Phil giggled - breaking Dan out of his depressed bubble. Honestly the guy didn't have to laugh - how could he have a 'nice guy' radar when he was such a douche? "I was just kidding Dan. I'm just a little surprised you'd label us that way after knowing each other only a few days. Then again that might be me stereotyping you again. So sorry ... again ... I guess." Phil finished sheepishly.

I take it back. He's not a douche. Dan found himself smiling. He hadn't failed; he felt so happy. He shouldn't feel that happy - it was just a step on the ladder leading to Jessica. He had enjoyed speaking to Phil though ... and they had tons in common. Come to think of it he hadn't acted like his 'normal' self like he had in school. If anything he was a completely different person around Phil which wasn't good. Being friends was good, sure, but for Phil to have so much power and blackmail over him wasn't wise when he was trying to get with his sister for admittedly selfish purposes. God Dan really was a shitty person.

"Dumbass, stop embarrassing me." Dan mumbled and Phil only grinned. Stop grinning at me you're doing weird things to my chest. And he was - Dan had noticed it every time Phil smiled or got excited with him over something; they hadn't reached Dan's anime fanboy material yet as that was one thing he was determined to keep under lock and key. No way was he risking his asshole friends finding out - his popular career would be over.

"Yeah yeah whatever." Phil dismissed. "Come on let's at least get another half an hour's study done before you give up completely." He insisted.

"Fine." Dan reluctantly agreed.

~

"Party tomorrow night Howell, you better be there." Derek instructed as the four of them left school.

Dan frowned, "You know I can't guys."

"Are you serious?!" Joe asked in irritation. "What the hell's happening to you?"

Dan scowled a little. "Hey it's your fault in the first place. I'm having to go to Lester's house every day after school for tutoring just so I can win this stupid bet. He told me if I miss one then he will stop because he doesn't put up with that shit." He retorted.

"Ugh, it can't be that bad. No one's that strict - just make up an excuse or something." Derek shrugged.

"He'll find out. Besides it's a school night - he'll definitely notice if I'm hungover tomorrow." Dan insisted.

"Then don't drink." Sam suggested.

"No point going if I can't drink." Dan grumbled, feeling frustrated. Couldn't his friends stop being peer-pressuring assholes long enough for him to just get this bet done? It was hard enough juggling two different personas.

"For god sake Howell stop being a killjoy." Derek sneered and Dan glared at him.

"Hey, it's not your money or pride on the line is it? I just need to not party until the end of the month - then I'll be back to normal." Dan explained through gritted teeth.

"It's like you're hiding who you are. Probably won't be believable to Lester if you don't slip up even once. Won't he get suspicious?" Sam asked. Dan internally groaned.

"I want to stay in his good books." Dan tried again a little desperately.

"God this bet is such a pain. You're no fun anymore." Joe rolled his eyes. "Just pay up now and let's get pissed." He added. Dan fumed.

"No, I'm not giving up ... look I'll just tell Phil I can't make it." Dan finally admitted defeat. He was slipping. He still had a reputation to uphold and although he liked being popular - the things he had to do to keep it up were starting to become an annoyance. God could his friends not fucking back off?

"That-a-boy. Don't forget the voddie alright?" Derek grinned.

"Yeah, 'course." Dan didn't sound as enthusiastic as he'd have liked.

~

'Sorry Phil, can't make it to tomorrow's tutoring session. Got plans for a family dinner - mum'll kill me if I miss. Sorry, see you Wednesday instead :)' ~ Dan

~

Dan felt like dying. He had a pounding headache and his mouth felt like cotton. Why did he always have to get shitfaced at parties?

"Last night was epic. Can't believe you made out with Joanne. What a dog!" Derek snickered and loomed over Dan's slumped being. Dan's eye twitched in irritation. He actually hadn't made out with Joanne - that's just what she told everyone after he helped her drunk self find an empty room to sleep in. He had been nothing but gentlemanly in his tipsy state but she took advantage of it. Not that Dan was going to bother to correct them. It only added to his popular image so why bother?

"Yu-huh." He added non-comittedly and glared at his friend who somehow was unaffected by hangovers despite drinking just as much, if not more than Dan.

"You look like a zombie." Joe chuckled and poked Dan's cheek that rested on the desk. Dan swatted his hand away and lifted his head up to yell. However the words caught in his throat when he saw Phil walk in and stop to stare in his direction. Dan gave a dry swallow and tried not to show how guilty he felt.

His body tensed as Phil studied his form. Once finished Phil's eyes flashed angrily before sitting down at the front - posture rigid. Dan panicked - Phil had caught him. Dan was an idiot - he should have never given into his friends. He may have just ballsed up the whole thing. Weirdly enough he wasn't even thinking of the bet. He was worrying about whether Phil would ever talk to him again and if he'd give Dan a second chance.

"Phiiiiil." Dan whined later at lunch as he followed said boy outside. "I'm really sorry, please just listen to me!"

"No Dan. I warned you that if you blew me off for some party then I wouldn't give you a second chance. I have no time for this shit and I don't care to deal with or be a part of that world." Phil snapped, picking up the pace.

"Phil I'm sorry! Really, I wasn't thinking - it's been a while and my friends were hassling me." Dan tried to explain.

"I should have known." Phil grumbled to himself. "You told me that you and your family don't get along that well, so why the hell would you cancel to have an oh-so-important family dinner?! You lied to me Dan, what further reason do I need to stop tutoring you?" Phil spat, swerving round a corner onto the green behind the school. Dan persisted.

"Please Phil, one more chance - I promise I won't fuck it up! I really need the help, I don't want to fail my class. I actually care about my grades contrary to popular belief and I've really enjoyed spending time with you." Dan urged a little desperately.

Phil scoffed, "Yeah right, you're just using me. I bet you go home and laugh about my interests with your friends afterwards. I know how people like you are Dan! All you do is manipulate."

Dan found irritation rise up before he could stop it, "People like me?! What happened to you not stereotyping people huh? Was that all a bunch of crap?" For some reason Phil seeing him as a douchebag blow-off was really annoying him. How dare Phil say that when Dan had shared quite a bit of his real self? How dare Phil throw that back in his face?

"Well you're certainly not helping me by blowing me off for a stupid party!" Phil returned angrily.

"It was a moment of weakness! My friends wouldn't stop pestering me alright?! I'm sorry I'm weak ok? I'm sorry I'm scared to lose my reputation! I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to say what I want and act how I want! Honestly I would have rather spent last night talking to you and hanging with you than getting buggered with those assholes!" Dan burst, panting a little after his monologue. However he hadn't processed his little speech whilst it came out and paled a little at letting his true feelings through. He didn't think Phil could get to him so much.

Phil was quiet for a moment, studying Dan with a cautious gaze. "You're not a coward." he sighed after a while. "I'm sorry for stereotyping you again. I didn't know that was how you really felt." He apologised sheepishly.

Dan flushed at his words. "U-um, it's okay. I wouldn't expect you to want to understand anyway. I really am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you or piss you off and I tried to get out of it but ... I guess I'm a bit of a push-over when it comes to that area of my life." Dan sighed, feeling exhausted from the conversation and the last dregs of a hangover.

Phil smiled a little. "It's okay Dan ... and I do like talking to you as well. I kind of forgot you're not like that all the time ... look, I'll give you another chance. If you need help blowing off your friends we can come up with an excuse together." Phil offered and Dan wanted to cry. Phil was too nice. Dan felt awful for exploiting that kindness for a bet but after that show of determination and commitment he put on for his friends about the bet, there's no way he could just give up now.

"Thanks Phil. I'm glad we're still friends. You can be- no, you are probably better company than my other friends are." Dan found himself admitting with a shy smile.

Phil blushed himself and Dan marvelled at the contrast of his rosy cheeks on porcelain skin. Honestly the happy smile that took over Phil's face made Dan all warm inside and his heart beat fast. He was starting to get attached to the loveable goofball and really didn't know what he was going to do about this bet. At this point it didn't seem worth it - not worth Jessica's affections or the money or the gloating. He really didn't want to hurt Phil ... but he couldn't not continue the bet. He wasn't ready to give up his popular pedestal. He didn't want to suffer possible ridicule from his supposed friends. He didn't want to feel like an outcast even if it was his last year of school. Phil was wrong - dan was weak and a coward.

"Well thank you Dan." Phil grinned. "You're not so bad yourself." He winked.

Dan couldn't help but want the ground to swallow him whole. He was a despicable human being. "Thanks." Dan replied with a strained guilty smile.

~

"You did WHAT?!" Louise nearly shrieked. Dan winced. He deserved the yelling though - honestly agreeing to Joe's bet was such a stupid thing to do.

"I know ... I'm the worst." Dan pouted as he was sprawled across his best friend's bed. He couldn't find the courage to tell her about the bet or Phil for the past 2 weeks and only now did he feel guilty enough to admit his shame. I'm a shitty person.

"Daniel I expected better of you!" Louise [mum] pentland scolded. "All this so you can get in someone's pants!" Louise hissed looking thoroughly displeased. Dan sat up with a scowl.

He felt his defences flare up. "I'm not doing it to get in her pants. I actually really like her. I have some morals y'know." Dan snapped and Louise scowled back. The room fell into silence, both fuming silently. Eventually Louise let out a breath and her sharp expression softened. Dan's own face relaxed in response and he flopped back down on the bed. Louise joined him shortly after, blond curls fanning across his chest.

"You do get yourself into the most ridiculous situations Howell." Louise sighed, sounding fonder than before.

"I know. I'm sorry."

~

Phil couldn't stop laughing and Dan flushed in annoyance. "Stop it." Dan grumbled, taking a sip from his milkshake. Phil's laughter only increased and he put a hand over his mouth to muffle it. "Seriously shut up you moron." Dan scowled.

"S-seriously Dan? I-in-" Phil broke into giggles again and Dan couldn't help but smile despite himself. "In his parents' bed?!" He asked incredulously, eyes shining with humour. Dan grimaced at the memory.

"I shouldn't have told you that." Dan sighed.

"Hey I shared an embarrassing memory!" Phil protested, shoulders still shaking a little with laughter. "What did you say the next morning?" He prodded.

Dan glared at him. "I just told him he should probably wash his sheets after a party." he muttered. Phil broke into laughter again and Dan couldn't help but grin at the contagiousness of it.

"Oh fuck off." Dan chuckled and looked out the window in embarrassment. Phil noticed Dan's flushed cheeks and calmed down.

"Hey sorry. It is really funny though." Phil snickered and took a sip of his own drink.

Dan huffed. "Shouldn't we be studying?" He grumbled as he flicked at the corner of his textbook.

Phil smirked, "I said that five minutes ago but you insisted I tell you an embarrassing memory."

Dan just smiled in response. It had been two weeks now of being in Phil's company. There was a week and a half left until the month was up. The thought made Dan feel sick. He really enjoyed Phil's company. He had let down his guard more and more around the other boy and found himself not minding the lack of his other friends at all. He hardly thought of Jessica - the infatuation seemed to have faded but he didn't feel disturbed by it one bit. He just enjoyed being around Phil with no barriers. He enjoyed not being an asshole and talking about things that made him feel happy and excited. He liked Phil.

And he didn't want to hurt him.

The bet was a stupid idea and Dan knew that from the beginning but at the time he had something to prove and he liked Jessica at the time. Now he didn't want to prove anything to his asshole friends and Jessica seemed long since disregarded. He just liked being with Phil and he didn't want it to end. He didn't want to hurt Phil and if Phil ever found out it would crush him.

'Just tell him the truth. It might be hard to accept at first but he deserves to hear it from you. That way he can trust that you feel badly about it and want to make up for your stupidity.'

Louise's words rattled round his brain as Phil started waffling about something else. Dan felt too scared though. He didn't want to lose what they had. If he just stopped the bet then there'd be nothing to tell, right? Right?

~

"Seriously, you're giving up already?" Sam asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dan scowled, "weren't you the one telling me to just pay up and get pissed?" He handed a crumpled tenner over to Joe who looked pleased with himself.

"Yeah but I didn't take you for a quitter. Not with how sure you were that you'd win." He shrugged and took a drag of his cigarette. That was one thing that Dan refused to be a part of and he'd done a good job of evading his friends' pressure with carefully thought-through excuses.

"Yeah well, I'm sick of it. Plus I'm not really into Jessica anymore. Feels pointless." Dan tried to reason although he felt a little nauseous.

"How can you not be into Jessica?" Derek frowned, "she's the fittest girl here."

Dan swallowed the lump in his throat. "Just seems like a lot of high maintenance to me. I don't have time for that shit." God I can be an asshole.

"Probably still a good shag though." Derek smirked and high-fived Joe. Dan really hated his friends.

And he hated himself a little too.

~

"Are you ok?" Phil asked. Dan snapped out of his thoughts. He looked at the worry in his friend's blue eyes.

"Yeah. Nothing you have to worry about. Just my friends." It was only half true. He had been feeling like shit all week. He thought the guilt would go once he ended the bet but he couldn't help but feel like he was still lying to Phil. He had spent even more time with him since and found his life as a popular becoming irrelevant when he could have the security of Phil's smile. Dan felt himself getting smitten. The thought of 'tutoring' ending made him feel ill. He didn't want to go back. His mind briefly drifted to Louise once again. He'd gone to her for advice on many an occasion.

'It's not like he's going to find out Louise. Besides it's over so ...'

'That's not how it works Dan. They always find out, trust me. Just tell him!'

'I can't ... I don't want to lose him ...'

'But you will lose him if you don't tell him and he finds out. Believe me the consequences will be much worse the more you wait.'

'But ... I can't- I just ... alright-okay just ... I'll tell him but not right now. I just ... I need him. He's the only thing besides you that makes me feel happy right now ...'

'Don't wait too long Howell'

Dan knew she spoke the truth but when he pictured the look of betrayal on Phil's face he felt like throwing up. God he was fucked.

"Just know you can tell me anything Dan." Phil smiled and Dan felt his heart rate increase. This boy. "Anyway, what do you wanna watch?"

Dan spied his movie collection and felt himself yearning to watch a ghibli film considering his vast collection. He still hadn't let his weaboo side out yet but he found himself wanting to surrender himself to Phil. Wanted to be completely himself around the boy. He wanted to be as genuine as Phil.

"Um ... Howl's Moving Castle?" Dan mumbled shyly. Phil's eyes seemed to light up and Dan's breath stuttered a little.

"You like anime?" Phil beamed. God he was too good for Dan. Dan couldn't help smile at the expression.

"Y-yeah ... just don't tell anyone yeah?" Dan stuttered sheepishly.

"Oh this opens up so many avenues for conversation!" Phil cheered. "You better believe I'm going to find out all your favourite ships. God I can recommend you my favourites too! Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Phil grinned.

Dan was momentarily speechless. Phil's pure reaction had him swelling with affection and he found himself wondering why he hadn't said so earlier. Phil would never judge him ... "I don't know." Dan found himself smiling.

"Well strap yourself in we're in for an anime-filled afternoon! Hey, that alliteration though!" Phil giggled and went to find the movie. Dan looked at Phil with an expression so full of fondness. He just couldn't contain how much he liked the other boy. Dan liked Phil ... maybe even love him a little. It scared Dan upon realisation but made him feel so warm inside. It was a nice feeling. He liked it. He liked Phil.

Dan couldn't stop smiling all afternoon.

~

When Phil kissed Dan, his brain short-circuited. He'd been mid-sentence when Phil suddenly put his hand on his cheek gently and fitted their lips together. They were in the park and Dan had been ranting about how his 'friends' were badgering him to go out with them. Dan had been running out of excuses and he could tell they were getting angry with him. Dan didn't really care, he wanted to cut himself off from their toxic opinions. However he couldn't help letting out his frustration to Phil.

He'd been ranting about his 'friend's' disgusting behaviour towards this gay kid in the year bellow and how no one should belittle someone for something they couldn't change about themselves. Before he could finish however, he felt the fingers glide over his cheek and then his mind went blank. This had caused him to not respond so Phil pulled away anxiously. When Dan felt the cold on his lips instead of the consuming warmth he jumped into action.

He grabbed at Phil, fingers securing around his neck and pulling him back in for a slow and heady kiss. Their lips moved enthusiastically together and Dan couldn't help feel a happiness he'd never experienced before consume him. God, this was so much better than faux popularity. So much better than getting drunk and hooking up here and there. So much better than flirty looks in the hallway and people knowing who he was. Better than everything.

They pulled away when they couldn't stop smiling against the other's mouth. Phil laughed shakily and pecked Dan's lips once more before pulling away. "I like you." Dan blurted out, brain a little muddled.

"I'd like to think so after a kiss like that." Phil smirked and Dan pouted, only encouraging Phil to go in for another, slightly hungrier kiss.

Dan was in heaven.

~

Dan was panicking.

Phil hadn't spoken to him all day. He kept rattling off excuses and avoiding him. Dan felt sick with worry and couldn't help think of all these awful scenarios. What if Phil realised how pathetic Dan was? What if he realised he could do better? What if he was just playing with Dan's feelings? What if he was a bad kisser?

Dan sat in his room, everything tearing at his stomach. He phoned Louise and she told him to calm down. She asked if Phil had found out about the bet which only made Dan feel even more panicked. He should have told Phil sooner. They'd been 'going out' for over a week now, not that anyone else knew. It had been the best time of Dan's life and he had been so caught up in the affection that he forgot all his problems and worries.

Phil hadn't talked to him since the previous afternoon before a family dinner. The guilt and worry was eating him alive. He needed to see Phil, he couldn't let him think he was using him if he did know.

And if he didn't know ...

The thought of losing Phil so soon made Dan panic. He had to tell him. He should have told him sooner. He should have ... Dan tried Phil's phone once again and was shocked to find him answer after the third ring.

"Hello?"

"PHIL!"

"Dan." Dan felt his stomach sink.

"A-are you okay? I-i just, I've been worried and ..." Dan trailed off, his voice shaky with nerves.

"I'm fine ... well I'm not but ..." He sighed on the other line.

Dan felt even worse. He needed to speak to him face-to-face. He couldn't have this conversation over the phone. He needed to see how guilty and sorry Dan felt. "C-can I come over? Please?" Dan almost begged.

There was pause. "I'm not sure ... I don't think-"

"Please Phil. I need to talk to you. Clearly I've done something to upset you. I don't ever want to do that. Let me fix whatever it is. Please, I don't ever want to hurt you." Dan found himself pleading. The silence was deafening and he only caught on to the slightly shaky breath of Phil over the phone.

"O-ok. Um, yeah."

Dan felt relief consume him. "I'll be there in ten minutes." Dan assured. Phil hummed on the other line before hanging up. Dan had never gotten ready so fast and arrived at Phil's door with two minutes to spare. His lungs burned his calves ached but it was worth it. He knocked urgently and waited impatiently. The minuted passed like hours until he finally heard footsteps.

Dan was ready to launch into apology but his words caught in his throat when he didn't find Phil at the door. Jessica stood there, eyes just as fiery as her hair. Dan was confused, but before he could comprehend her expression the door was shut firmly in his face. Dan stared in shock before feeling the dread in his stomach once again.

She knows.

She must have told Phil. Dan can only guess one of his 'friends' had let the cat out of the bag. Louise had warned him that it was inevitable. Dan should have told Phil earlier when he had the chance. "Jessica! Please! I need to talk to Phil!" Dan pleaded, knocking on the door once again.

He ceased when he heard muffled yelling on the other side of the door. Dan bit his lip, trying to calm his racing heart. He just needed to see Phil. A minute passed and the door opened once again. This time Phil stood in his pyjamas, eyes tired. If Dan hadn't had a shit-tsunami of worry raging through his mind he'd take the time to admire how adorable his boyfriend looked. If he could call him his boyfriend anymore ...

"Phil." Dan breathed, mind suddenly going blank. Phil had that affect on him, he always seemed to make Dan feel secure. Although there was underlying uneasiness, he still felt at ease. He knew he couldn't let the boy go.

"Come in." Phil sighed and opened the door further. Dan swallowed when he spotted the narrowed eyes of Jessica Lester behind him. He followed them into the living room. Luckily the parents seemed to be no where in sight. Dan kind of wished Jessica left them to talk though. As soon as he sat down, Jessica burst.

"You asshole! Who do you think you are? Playing with my brother's feelings like that? You're a selfish coward!" She shrieked. Dan shrunk into himself, tears prickling at his eyes. He felt the guilt eating him alive. The volume of her voice made him shake - he'd never been good with people shouting at him. His father had often made him cry as a result. Dan couldn't help but curl into himself a little - a habit.

Phil, although he felt angry himself, saw the way Dan flinched and knew they needed to talk privately. "Jess, please can you just let us talk?" He asked softly.

"NO! This involves me too! How dare he? He used you Phil! To get to me! How could you let him into this house?!" Jessica shouted, anger clear. Dan clutched the armrests tighter. He felt a tear escape and quickly wiped it away. He shouldn't be able to feel sorry for himself. He was an awful person.

Phil, despite himself, felt anger at his sister making Dan cry. He couldn't help it, he had feelings for the boy whether he wanted them or not. "JESSICA." He found his voice raising. "Leave or I will leave." Phil warned. Jessica looked ready to argue but bit her tongue at her brother's expression. She scoffed, glared at Dan, then left the room. Silence enveloped the room.

Dan sat there, inner turmoil clear on his face. He should have told Phil, now he's lost him forever. "I-I'm s-sorry Phil." Dan shakily let out. Phil didn't say anything, he felt defeated almost. He had given Dan the benefit of the doubt. He'd seemed so genuine. Phil never even suspected ... Well he was a little suspicious at first but Dan had been so ... real somehow. Phil didn't want to believe it. He didn't at first and considered talking to Dan about it but ... it all seemed to make sense the more he thought about it. There was no reason for Dan to approach Phil of all people. He could have chosen anyone to tutor him - there were people better at maths in their class.

He didn't want to say anything though. He didn't like being angry. He wanted an explanation. That's why he let Dan come over. He just wanted to know why. He looked Dan straight in the eyes. Continue he urged with his gaze.

Dan tried to gather his thoughts. "Yes, it started off with a bet. I was caught up in my popular bubble and let my pride get to me when Joe dared me. At first I really did fancy Jessica and felt I had to prove something. But ..." Dan stopped, swallowing the lump in his throat. He couldn't look Phil in the eye. "But ... then I got to know you and you ... you're so beautiful. You were this ball of fucking sunshine and I felt the guilt eat me alive. I approached you out of selfish reasons and I hated myself for it. I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter but the more time I spent with you, the more I found I couldn't stand to hurt you. So I paid up, I told Joe that I wouldn't go through with it - fed him some excuse. After that ..." Dan took a breath and built the courage to look Phil in the eye.

Phil felt tears reach his eyes. He could hear the pain in his voice. He was conflicted - he really like Dan. He liked the Dan he got to know. He was cute, he was shyer than he made himself out to be. He was slow to crawl out of his armour but Phil loved him all the more for it. For showing him the true Dan. He didn't want to believe it wall all a lie. He wanted to forgive him.

"After that-" Dan continued, "I spent as much time as I could with you. I liked you. I stopped lying to myself. I never felt anything close to how I feel for you with Jessica. She was a passing fancy but once I got to know you, nothing compared. You're perfect. I've been agonizing how to tell you for weeks. I know I should have told you earlier and god knows how much shit I got from Louise for waiting too long. She's right - she's always right. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you Phil and ... I ... I understand if you can't trust me anymore ... if ... if ..." Dan choked up and Phil's heart clenched. "if you don't want to see me anymore I understand ... but I don't want to stop because you've become everything Phil. I don't ..." Dan trailed off, wiping away a tear. He couldn't speak anymore.

Phil felt his own tears reach his eyes. Godammit. He thought almost angrily as he saw his boyfriend shaking, crying and almost pleading with his eyes. He knew Dan. He got to know the real Dan. Phil found himself refusing to believe it was all a lie. No matter how much it hurt to know about the bet, Phil couldn't dismiss his feelings. He didn't want to lose Dan either.

"Dan." he said hoarsely and cleared his throat. He got up and walked over to Dan who sat on the opposite couch. Dan winced and looked down at his lap in shame. Phil's heart clenched, he looked so small. He couldn't find it in himself to be angry when Dan looked so scared. He let out a sigh and knelt in front of him. He scooped the boy into his arms and squeezed him tight. Even though Dan was taller than Phil, he felt small in his embrace.

"I love you Phil, please don't leave me." Dan said shakily, arms curling round his waist. Phil felt a warmth in his chest and couldn't help smile against his shoulder.

"I'm angry at you." Phil found himself blurting out and Dan tensed and tried to pull away but Phil held tight. "But I also don't want to lose you. I was afraid that it wasn't real ... that the Dan I got to know didn't exist. I was scared to lose what we have. I'm still angry that you didn't tell me and you need to gain my trust back but ... I love you too Dan. I still want to be with you." Phil chuckled. "God you're frustrating you know that?" Phil smirked, pulling back only to press him forehead to Dan's.

Dan couldn't help but smile shakily. "I'm angry at me too. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. Are you sure you want to be with me? You could probably do better-" Dan found himself anxiously rambling. Phil's heart clenched at Dan's self-depreciation and knew he was fucked. He couldn't be mad at Dan for more than a day. He smiled softly and kissed his boyfriend to shut him up.

Dan made a surprised sound but melted into soft lips. He felt that swell of happiness once again. He felt safe. He clutched Phil tightly, he never wanted to let go. When they pulled apart, Dan breathed against Phil's lips and looked at him with heavy lids. He couldn't help but grin. "Love you." Dan mumbled.

Phil beamed, he couldn't help it. His boyfriend was an idiot ... but he was a cute idiot. "Love you too." He gave Dan an eskimo kiss and Dan couldn't help giggle and the sound melted Phil's heart. Dan went quiet, enjoying the moment. However his brow furrowed as he let his mind wonder.

"You're sister's going to kill me isn't she?" Dan asked anxiously.

Phil laughed and hugged Dan to his chest. "I won't let her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~

[reshirement]

You have a husband? I thought you were bi

Anon, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt considering I got this late last night and say maybe you were sleep deprived and that this isn’t the claim of ‘it’s okay to be bi until you marry someone of the opposite gender’ thing. Straight passing privilege or whathaveyou.

So, I’m not upset at you. At all, if it wasn’t meant like that, do not take this brief rant as though it is directed at you. I am upset however, because it was similar comments to this that had me change my blog to say I am bisexual when I am, in fact, a lesbian. Completely and utterly. My husband is my very best friend and I’d been with him for five years when I started figuring myself out. I was raised in a Mormon household. I always knew I wasn’t interested in men, my mother called admiring people’s bodies ‘harmless art appreciation’ and if not for that, I may have picked up on that fact that women were the ones I was eyeing sooner.

The sad thing is, is all through my life growing up, most of my friends were gay, but I was so repressed that even though those ideal relationships were flaunted in front of me, I didn’t even pick up on the fact that that was what I wanted. It wasn’t even on my radar. Basically boys are gross and dumb—and that’s it, that’s as far as my brain got. It wasn’t until I left the church and had been outside for a year or two (it took a long time before wearing tank tops in public like a normal person didn’t feel horribly scandalous to give you some scale here) that I started picking up on subtle things like wait, women are beautiful and they always have been...wait, what if I like women? Am I bi?

Around this time, I married my now husband. The only boy I’d ever taken the time to date and mostly because our intense Mormon parents pushed us together (and we were becoming best friends but my god did I fight them on that for so long before I loved him, and I fell in love because our personalities were a good match and we were both coming to the realization that we needed to get the fUCK out of there). He left his mission early, and I even won’t go too far into the time where I was sent off to a college meat market and had to beat off men with a stick who would force their way into my dorm to ask me for dates or to get married, and let me tell you telling them you’re waiting for a missionary only gets some of them out of your life, the rest get more aggressively insistent and it’s hella scary.

Anyhow, the true realization didn’t come until a year or so into the marriage, and that destroyed me, I was angry. I blamed everyone around me for my for getting stuck in this situation (as I saw it at the time), I blamed myself for not figuring it out sooner, I blamed my husband. Our marriage was on the rocks for quite some time, we both had lots of issues to work through and took a lot of growing up. We’ve been married now for five years, but he’s still my best friend and our marriage is better now than it ever has been. He’s never been anything but supportive about that side of me, he’s the first one to bring up pride rallies and places for me to go and meet other LGBT+ people. He’s even made it very clear that he’s concerned that I’m not living my life to it’s fullest and that I’ve missed out on opportunities and has explicitly stated that should I have a need to follow that path, get a girlfriend, have those experiences, he would never stand in my way. He loves me, and wants me to be happy. I want the same for him.

In the end, that’s what makes us good partners, as he calls it. Good spouses. I am a lesbian, and I have a husband, a good, wholesome, soft and caring husband, and I’m happy with him in my life, and that’s all that really matters.