#My therapist tried to give me resources for recovering from my eating disorder | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

uwumessenger · 4 years ago

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hey!!love your blog. i COMPLETELY understand if you don't want to do this one cause it might be a little triggering but how would the RFA and V react to an underweight MC trying really hard to recover from an eating disorder?? i'm so sorry if this makes you uncomfortable and once again i COMPLETELY understand if you don't wanna do it.

no worries! thank you for requesting, this’ll be my last request for now! im closing requests for now because i wanna work on some fanfic that has been eating at my brain real quick lol. should be back open in 2 weeks ish (as of 5/20/20)

sorry these are on the shorter side again! i hope you like these! i tried to make these pretty general, but if anything i wrote is offensive/inconsistent/etc please feel free to let me know!!

trigger warnings: eating disorder

Yoosung

he is very cautious and makes sure that he doesn’t say anything to offend you, even if what he’s saying is out of genuine love and concern

he knows you’re hurting and doesn’t want to unintentionally hurt you more

he checks up on you a lot and feels bad that he can’t be around you 24/7

lowkey feels sad when it’s a really challenging day for you and you won’t eat his cooking

but he understands 100%

he knows that you are healing and will do the best he can to help you as much as possible

though, when you need space...he would struggle with that but eventually realizes that it’s hard for you if he’s attached to your hip, and learns to give you your space when you need it

Zen

at first he’s very parent-like

not as careful with the way he words things as yoosung is, and kinda nags you sometimes

the others have to nudge at him and tell him to be more sensitive and empathetic when you don’t have the strength to tell him yourself

it takes him time but he does get around to communicating his concerns for you in a better way

and once he learns what helps you vs what doesn’t, he’s like an angel

he pampers you in every way possible and does his best to make sure you feel comfortable

if/when you relapse, he will do everything in his power to help you

he reminds you that it’s all part of the healing process, and you’re doing the absolute best you can and he’s very proud of your progress

Jaehee

jaehee would try to be a good role model for you

she definitely believes that your surroundings can help you out

even if it’s a very minor change, positive change is good progress!

she’s like your personal cheerleader

and a very good listener

she’ll probably do research regarding your specific eating disorders in her downtime because she wants to be as helpful as she can be when she’s with you

she’d panic a bit whenever she has to stay back for work, but feels a lot of relief when you sit with her and talk

she’s overall very positive and reassuring, and does her best to make sure you can live as comfortably and healthily as you can

Jumin

very similar to jaehee

except he has the ability to drop any of his meetings or plans if he feels like he needs to be with you instead

he is very reassuring and does his best to keep you as happy as possible

asks a lot of questions and is sure to provide you with only the highest quality doctor/therapist/nutritionist/literally anything you want or need to ensure you are as happy and as healthy as you can be

also similar to zen in the sense where at first he finds it hard to communicate his concerns and the other members have to tell him to tone it down and be nicer

he eventually becomes much more encouraging and positive in his tone

he also finds that through helping you, he can also use his resources to help other people with similar experiences as you

he of course keeps your personal business and whatnot private, but he smiles at the thought of you unknowingly helping thousands of people by simply doing your best to heal from what you’ve been through

707/Saeyoung

he usually relies on humor to make you feel better, but is always ready to stop or try other things to help if he senses you aren’t in the mood or that it’s not helping

he doesn’t live the healthiest lifestyle himself, but he is like jaehee where he believes that your environment can have an impact, and creates a clean and healthy living space for you

he too is like your own personal lil cheerleader

created a progress journal for you, and doesn’t look through it as he feels it’s something too personal even if you do tell him it’s okay to look through it

he knows that materialistic things can’t heal you entirely or fix anything permanently, so he doesn’t go overboard with inventing stuff for you

but if he has a really good idea in mind he’ll follow through with making it and give it to you and ask you for your opinion on it

he just does everything he can to help you out and recover at your own pace

v is very careful because he doesn’t want to hurt you the way he feels like he hurt rika and saeran

asks the other members for help, especially jumin

never tries to force you to do anything you don’t want to

he’s kinda like a coach, where he is very encouraging and positive but can also be very stern and put his foot down if you turn back to anything unhealthy

always checking in with you and super encouraging in every way possible

he does get worried when he’s not with you, but comes off as calm and reserved to make sure you don’t begin to feel any stress or negativity from him

he always reassures you that the most important thing is he wants you to heal as much as possible, not as fast as possible

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanons #mystic messenger yoosung #mystic messenger zen #mystic messenger jaehee #mystic messenger jumin #mystic messenger 707 #mystic messenger v

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missmentelle · 4 years ago

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*Part 1* Hello. I have this close friend who lives across the country, and I'm becoming concerned about her. She's been through some hard times. A parent struggling with BPD, losing that parent, the other parent being kinda of neglectful and hard to talk to, communication issues in her relationship, intrusive thoughts, potentially having BPD herself and fearing that, probably an eating disorder.... She tried therapy, but I don't think she was completely honest with her therapist.

She's told me in the past that she hasn't been totally honest with her previous therapist. I also think that she may not have had a therapist that's specialized in or familiar with all of these things she's been going through. She seems to be dismissive of therapy because the few therapists she tried didn't work for her. She may be able to afford therapy anymore either. She's considering psychiatric help, which I think is good. I think she needs some form of professional help. I don't know what she can afford, though, or if she'll go through with it or be completely honest. I'm trying to be there for her, and it definitely isn't too much for me, and I'm trying to let her make her own decisions and offer perspectives. I check in repeatedly to make sure I'm not overstepping or making her sad or uncomfortable. It seems like she's falling deeper into a slump, though, and I don't think she'll hurt herself, but I want to help her be happy and healthy. I don't think that my help is enough, though. And it's getting hard for me to know what to say or suggest because I am not a professional, and I know so little about BPD. I guess I'm just wondering how I can continue to help her? Like, what more can I do? How do I help her to stop hating herself? How do I make sure I don't cross the line between being a friend and trying to act like a therapist? Thank you for your help and all you do for us.

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a tough time. It sounds like there’s really a lot going on for her right now - grief, relationship problems, a possible personality disorder, disordered eating - and it can be challenging to support anyone through that, especially from such a long distance. Even a professional would find such a complex case challenging, and it’s great that you are doing your best to support her.

I think that encouraging her to get professional help and to fully engage with treatment is the best thing you can be doing for her right now. If she suspects BPD, she needs to get that diagnosis confirmed by a psychiatrist or registered psychologist as soon as possible; BPD requires some special kinds of treatment, and she will only get the correct treatment once that diagnosis has been made. She also needs to work on being honest with her therapist - therapists are not mind-readers, and they can only work with the information that they are given. Therapy is very much a case of “you get out what you put into it” - if you do the hard work of opening up, engaging in treatment and doing your therapy homework as best you can, you are likely to see results. If you sit there for an hour and refuse to be honest, you are likely to waste an hour. There are also relevant support groups she can be looking into - groups for people who have lost parents, children of BPD parents, people with BPD themselves, people with eating disorders, etc - and she might find it easier to open up to people who have had similar experiences as her. Many of these groups have moved online, due to the current circumstances, but google searches for relevant support groups should help to point her in the right direction.

Most important, though, is for you to understand and accept your limits in this situation. I wish that there was a set of words I could give you that would end her self-hatred and pull her out of her downward spiral, but... there just aren’t. As much as we wish that we could fix these situations by just saying the right thing, the reality of the situation is that mental illness is complicated, and there is only so much that we can do as friends and loved ones to help someone recover. Ultimately, managing serious mental illness requires that a person make some serious lifestyle adjustments, adhere to their treatment regimen and carefully monitor themselves for signs of backsliding, and as much as you love and care about someone, you can’t do those things for them. You can encourage them, help them research resources, check in with them, listen to their worries and fears, validate their frustration and remind them that you are on their side, but you ultimately can’t fight this battle for them - they have to find a way to do it themselves. I am a professional who went to school for many, many years to do this work, and there’s still only so much that I could do for her; she ultimately has to be the one who chooses recovery and does the hard work of actually getting to that point.

Being someone’s friend and not their therapist means setting boundaries, and accepting that there are things you just aren’t going to know how to deal with. Helping someone work through undiagnosed and untreated BPD is just way above a caring friend’s paygrade; the best you can do is to listen to her, acknowledge that her situation sucks and that she doesn’t deserve to be going through it, and encourage her to get professional help. It’s okay to admit to someone that you aren’t really sure how to help them, and that you are doing the best you can. As hard as it may be, it’s important to remember your role - you don’t have a professional duty of care here, and if she chooses not to be honest with her therapist and not to follow through with getting professional help, there’s just not a lot that you can do about that. Her mental health is not your responsibility. If she gets worse, you need to know that that is not your fault, and it’s not because you didn’t support her enough - sometimes mental health conditions just get worse, and it isn’t anyone’s fault. Check in with yourself to make sure that you aren’t carrying the weight of her issues around with you.

Ultimately, do the best that you can. Be her friend. Let her vent about her problems if she needs to vent, or send her silly memes and videos if she needs a distraction. Try to help her find emergency and non-emergency resources that she can access if she needs to, and encourage her to reach out for the professional help that she needs. And be careful to avoid burnout - it’s easy to get overwhelmed in these situations. Take good care of yourself. Best of luck to both of you! Miss Mentelle

#Anonymous

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mental-health-advice · 6 years ago

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Hi! Last year, someone opened my eyes and told me I have a sugar addiction. All symptoms fit perfectly and after doing some research, I found that you can't underestimate this addiction. It's taking all my money because I spend it on sweets. I don't want to underestimate the addiction, but I don't want to overestimate it either. I already tried to stop but I just couldn't. Many people tell me it's nothing because it isn't life-threatning like alcohol or drugs. Please, what can I do?

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this lovely! Any addiction is serious and should therefore be taken seriously and not underestimated. When people tell you it’s nothing, they’re simply wrong! It’s a big thing, it’s an issue for you, it’s something you struggle a lot with. It’s having an effect on your well-being, your financial state, and while it’s not directly life-threatening, it can have a negative effect on your physical health as well. Your struggles are so valid and definitely serious! Please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

While I don’t personally struggle with sugar addiction, I’ve struggled with binge eating for a long time which in some aspects can be similar. There were times where binging felt like some sort of addiction, because it felt like I had zero control over it happening. Treating it as if it were an addiction was what helped me a lot in reducing it actually. When someone is recovering from an alcohol addiction, they make it harder for themselves to have alcohol. They don’t have it at home, they avoid going to occasions where there is alcohol, etc. Eventually they might be able to start doing those things again, but at first it simply is too hard. So the same applies for sugar addiction. The first step is to not have any sweets at home and to throw out anything you still have lying around. That might feel like a waste of money because you already bought it and now you’d have to spend more money were you to give in to the addiction (which realistically might happen), but recovery is worth that bit of extra money now! Eventually you’ll earn it all back when you beat this addiction. Your addiction will likely try to find similar excuses every time you do something that goes against your addiction. If it’s difficult, it means you’re fighting the addiction and that’s a good thing! Try to keep that in mind

What I’ve personally also found really helpful is to not take any money with me whenever I’m leaving my home. I never have cash so I just take my debit card out of my purse and leave it at home (I do like to take my purse for my ID, insurance card, all that jazz). If I don’t have any money, I can’t buy food! Of course it isn’t always doable to not have any money with you. Sometimes you really need to buy certain things. If you’re with someone at the time, there are still options though. If it’s someone you trust, you could explain to them what you’ve been trying and ask them to pay for you and you’ll transfer them the money right away. You can even offer to transfer the money beforehand already, so that there isn’t any negative consequence for them whatsoever. If it’s someone you don’t trust as much, you could pretend to have forgotten your purse?

It always went wrong for me when I had to do my regular groceries. I live on my own so I need to buy regular food and everything, but every time I went to the grocery store I’d come home with a bunch of binge food, which was really frustrating! I couldn’t exactly not take any money with me because I had to buy all my groceries. Eventually my closest friend suggested that after doing groceries I’d take a picture of the receipt and send it to her. That way there was a little extra push to only buy what I needed and not get anything else. I think this works in particular for me because I care /a lot/ about how others see me and I still struggle with a lot of shame regarding binging. So then I don’t want anyone else to notice in any way that I’m binging and what I’m binging on. If I have to send a receipt, they’ll see that and I don’t want that! That feeling usually is stronger than the thoughts of binging are when I’m in the grocery store. I don’t know if this is something you can do as well though, if there’s someone you feel comfortable doing this with? A little extra tip is to let them know in advance when you’re going to do groceries, so that you can’t back out when you do get sweets and not send them the receipt. Alternatively, you can try if making a grocery list helps a little. It’s not as fool proof, but if you write down beforehand what you need to buy and follow that list, there’s less you need to think about in the grocery store, meaning that there’s also less chance for addiction thoughts to kick in and take over. It might be most helpful if you write the grocery list in the right order of how you can get everything in the store, so that you can follow that path and go right to the cash register once you’ve got everything.

Since binging for me was related to my eating disorder, I also had to work on increasing what I ate regularly. I don’t know if this is something you struggle with as well, but eating six meals a day (three main meals and three snacks) has also really helped me in reducing my binging so it might help you in battling your addiction. A side note here is that those six meals do need to be big enough and not just six super small meals as then there’s still the issue that you’re getting too little nutrients. For a long time that I was in treatment I was eating six meals but a few of them were too small, so I was still binging at a high rate. It wasn’t until I started eating enough that binging reduced and I could actually start applying all the practical solutions that I mentioned above.

Another practical solution lies in the financial aspect of your addiction. Have you calculated how much you spend weekly on sweets? Calculating this for my binges was a huge eye opener for me. It was so much money and I had to take money out of my savings every month. I’m usually really good with money (hence the savings) so I felt so horrible for how out of hand it had gotten. It was a really good motivation! Of course it wasn’t the case that I could just stop spending money on binges, but it did help me to actually apply the practical solutions I mentioned. Beforehand I realised it’d help, but I’d somehow always found an excuse for why I would need to take money with me or anything like that. Having financial motivation meant I could shut down those thoughts and could resist taking money with me. Once you have an idea of how much you spend weekly on sweets, it can also help to set a limit for yourself (lower than what you usually spend). It can be really hard to actually stick to that limit especially if you live on your own and handle your own finances, but aiming for that limit is a start already! It’s not something that works on its own but it can be helpful in combination with the other tools. And slowly you can then lower the limit. The one dangerous thing with setting a limit is when it turns out to be too high for a week. If at the end of the week you notice that you still have money left, it’s likely addiction thoughts will take over and cause you to spend all that you have left on sweets ‘because you’re allowed to spend that money on sweets’. If you find this happening, it’s time to lower the limit! I think it’s better to have it too low than to have it too high.

This isn’t something you have to deal with by yourself! You can reach out to your GP / local doctor and they can help you find resources, such as a therapist and a nutritionist maybe? You can read more about getting help here. But please don’t walk around with this on your own, because you deserve the support and help!

This has turned out to be a super long answer, I’m sorry! I hope it’s been helpful though! I can relate a lot to how difficult this must be for you because I found it really difficult to struggle so much with binging as well. Know that you’re not alone in this

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #sugar addiction #binging #eating disorder #addiction #sugar #sweets #mhapauline #anonymous

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rediscoveringmichelle · 3 years ago

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Where to start? Resources to help on the road to recovery.

Okay a bit of a brain dump but I thought I would put together a list of some of the resources that helped me with recovering from an obsession with exercise and healthy eating. This may be helpful to those struggling or parents of those struggling to understand what their child may be going through and the help they might need.

1. Therapy – this is THE most important one for me and one I didn’t really do enough of until after I gained back the weight. I think it would have been better for me to go during recovery, but it all depends on whether you are ready to admit you have a problem to yourself and then to someone else. Eating disorders are usually a symptom of an underlying problem – perhaps a desire for control and safety when life feels out of control elsewhere or a desire to fit in and be liked by others in order to accept yourself. Therefore in order to really recover it is important to get to the root of why it has developed in order to heal your relationship with yourself so that you can start living your life again.

2. Books – I have always loved learning, especially through reading self-care or non-fiction books. Any time I discover a new topic I’m interested in I get lost in it and want to educate myself on everything to do with it. Some of the books that have helped me on my journey:

a. Intuitive Living by Pandora Paloma – about understanding where your relationship with food comes from and it was a good starting point for me to realise there was something deeper behind what I was going through. Lots of exercises to work through to think about the type of person you are and your early memories of food and body image.

b. Just Eat It by Laura Thomas – Mum (not so subtly) left this around the house and during lockdown I decided to pick it up and give it a go. My eyes were opened. This book is about Intuitive Eating but it is really so much more than that. It is about learning to trust our bodies again and tune in to our internal cues, rather than looking externally to trackers, social media or a time on the clock for when and how to eat or exercise.

c. The Comparison Cure by Lucy Sheridan – I have always suffered with tendency to compare myself to others – my body, career success and relationships – never quite feeling like I have matched up. I heard Lucy being interviewed on a podcast and decided to read her book. This book helps you to list the areas of your life where you experience comparison tendencies the most and then understand why this is. Through doing exercises and journaling it helps you to discover your core values and who you truly are. Lucy’s theory is that by being your authentic self and feeling like you are reaching your goals you won’t feel a need to compare yourself anymore and can find happiness in yourself and in your life.

d. Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given– a good starting point for questioning why we do the things we do as women. Why do we wear make-up, shave our legs and wear tight clothes? You might be thinking that is gross and that the thought of not shaving it a step too far. But I’m not asking you not to do and neither is Florence. She is just asking you to start questioning why you do it. Most of the reasons stem back to wanting to please men, so that we can be loved. And don’t get me wrong I still shave my legs, but it’s about helping you to understand that you shouldn’t feel a need to please men and that you can learn to love yourself, regardless of whether others love you.

e. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – I don’t know about you, but I am a massive perfectionist. And I know that is the standard response in an interview to the question ‘what is your biggest weakness?�� and is seen as a cop out! People think its really a big plus. But for me it isn’t. It has led me to procrastinate, to not push myself to present at work and get the visibility I need to be promoted because my presentation ‘isn’t quite there yet’. I tend to only want to try things if I think I will be good at them. I either do things perfectly or not at all (like exercising every day or never). It has led me to feel no matter what I do, its never quite good enough. This can be incredibly tiring and mentally draining. Brené tries to encourage us to be vulnerable and to not be afraid of just showing up as we are, warts and all.

f. Untamed by Glennon Doyle – more of a story of her life and realisation that as women we constantly put others first. That the biggest compliment we can pay a woman is that she is selfless. But by being selfish, putting your needs first, you can have more energy and power to help others. If you always put others first, there is no one left there to give.

g. Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport – so not really a book on eating disorders or body image but a real eye opener. I read this before the Social Dilemma came out on Netflix and this goes through a lot of the same topics on the negatives of social media. However, this is more about how to get back your life outside social media. I went from someone who posted multiple times a week, every moment of her day, to not at all, and I still don’t have the apps on my phone. The book helped me to realise that I didn’t know what I wanted to do any more as I only ever did things that I thought would get likes on Instagram. I started to fill the evenings I had spent scrolling out living a life and the one I wanted to live. A very important step for me in recovery and I noticed a massive change in my mood once I did this.

h. Be Your Own Best Friend: The Glorious Truths of Being Female by Chessie King – I feel like all women should read this book. Chessie is a breathe of fresh air and although we as women are more than our bodies, Chessie helps you to realise that the most important relationship you have is with yourself and that you are stuck with this body so you can either spend your life hating it and punishing it or just start loving it.

i. More Than a Body by Lexie Kite and Lyndsay Kite – I found a lot of the books on body positivity easier to understand and get on board with when I was thinner. But I’ll be honest, when I started to put on weight the concept of body positivity became harder. My body was changing every week, so I didn’t know how to love it. The minute I would accept it, it would change again, and I was back at square one. But this book goes beyond body positivity and teaches us to see ourselves as more than a body. To think of our bodies as instruments for doing the things we want to do, rather than ornaments to be looked at.

j. No Period Now What by Dr. Nicola Rinaldi – my most recent read. After regaining weight, no longer feeling cold all of the time and feeling like I could laugh again, my period still hasn’t come back. This book led me to going to the doctors and learning more about why this could be happening and to then reaching out to a therapist to help understand my body image issues in order to reduce my stress levels. Can be shocking to read at first as I certainly wasn’t ready for this approach last year but have now come to terms with the fact that I just have to try it. As I have nothing left to lose.

3. Podcasts – I’m a big fan of podcasts. I started with the first one below and then found more through listening to the podcasts of Laura’s guests. A nice snippet into a concept without reading a whole book and a nice listen for a walk.

a. Don’t Salt My Game by Laura Thomas – lots of interviews with people that have gone through similar experiences and come through the other side, a helpful listen and a nice accompaniment to her book.

b. Train Happy by Tally Rye – Tally has lots of energy and passion for finding fun ways to move. She interviews people on topics to do with intuitive movement, exercise and body image. She also has a book that I am yet to read.

c. Food Psych Podcast with Christy Harrison – I listened to a couple of episodes of this alongside Don’t Salt My Game at the start and helped understand some more of the science.

d. Holistic Health Radio with Sarah Liz King – an interesting podcast to understand more about Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (no period due to too much exercise, stress or undereating) and helpful tips for getting your period back!

4. Family and Friends – this was a hard one for me. Admitting I was wrong and that I had gone too far after a long time of telling people they didn’t understand and that I was fine. But ultimately, I found that by being honest I had nothing to fear as it was all out there and that by being open about my struggles I could potentially help someone else from having to go through what I did.

This is a bit of a work in progress list and I will continue to add to it as I go but I hope you find it helpful. I can only offer advice from my experiences but ultimately if you are struggling a therapist, registered dietitian or a doctor may be the best place to start.

#eatingdisorder #recovery #healing #rediscoveringlife #resources #bodyimage

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allenmendezsr · 5 years ago

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And the real ‘kicker’ is… it’s so simple to do… and it works without exception.

If you are human, have OCD or Pure O, it simply cannot fail.

That’s not my claim, it’s just simple human biology.

Sincerely,

Charles Linden Director Linden Tree Education Anxiety Recovery Retreats https://www.lindentree.education

PS: That’s me in the images, the bald guy… going bald was one of my OCD focuses… now, I really don’t care.

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flauntpage · 7 years ago

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Football's Brain Injury Crisis Isn't Just for Star Players

Ka'Lial Glaud has a headache. Every second of every day, he says. Ever since suffering his first and only diagnosed concussion in the National Football League nearly two years ago.

A 26-year-old former linebacker who spent most of three NFL seasons with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Glaud has been diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, a disorder in which symptoms such as dizziness, light sensitivity, and intense headaches persist long after someone experiences an initial brain injury.

Medications haven't brought Glaud relief. Nor has therapy. He isn't well enough to work, and he can't go back to Rutgers University to finish his undergraduate degree—not when reading for more than half an hour leaves his eyes exhausted and head throbbing.

Recently, Glaud says, it took all he had just to walk on a Stairmaster and then cut the grass at his home in Asbury Park, New Jersey.

"I was down for four days [afterward]," he says. "I told a doctor, 'It's like I can feel my brain.' They said that's impossible. But it feels like someone is inside my head and has their hands around my brain, and they're squeezing it."

It's been more than a decade since doctors discovered the neurodegenerative disease chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) in deceased Pittsburgh Steelers center Mike Webster, a revelation that helped make brain trauma in football an ongoing national story. Much of the subsequent fan and media focus has been on star players, like New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady allegedly hiding a concussion last season, and worst-case medical outcomes, like Hall of Fame linebacker Junior Seau being posthumously diagnosed with CTE after committing suicide in 2012.

However, fringe performers such as Glaud—training camp invitees, practice squad members, players at the bottom of depth charts—are just as vulnerable as the sport's marquee names, maybe even more so. Fighting for jobs and paychecks in the league, they arguably have greater incentive to put their brains at risk and fewer resources to cope with any lasting damage.

Even when those ailments are less severe than CTE, they still can be debilitating. Glaud was concussed in September of 2015, and since then his life has been a fog of frustration and depression.

"Everyone you hear about, they played for ten, 15 years," Glaud says. "I had three, one of those on the practice squad and another on injured reserve. I didn't play that daggone long. And it has affected me. I think about it every day."

Glaud doesn't remember the hit. He was playing for the Dallas Cowboys in the team's final preseason game, trying to earn a roster spot.

One moment, Glaud was calling plays and setting defensive fronts; the next, he was on the sideline, telling teammate Sean Lee that nothing was wrong—even though Glaud couldn't recall those same plays and fronts when one of his coaches was going through game video on a tablet computer.

Are you sure you're OK?

I'm fine.

I think I'll have a doctor look at you.

"I asked Shawn not to," Glaud says. "Then I went back out on special teams. When I came off again, he was there with trainers to evaluate me."

Ka'Lial Glaud (No. 47) in a 2015 preseason game with the Dallas Cowboys. Photo by Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Team doctors took Glaud back to the Cowboys' locker room and told him remove his uniform. He figured that he would be fine. He suffered two diagnosed concussions at Rutgers, he says, and both times sat out practice for about a week before returning to the field. The injuries didn't stop him from starting all 13 games his senior year, or from appearing in seven games for Tampa Bay as an undrafted rookie in 2013.

This time was different. Back at the team hotel, Glaud was nauseous. He threw up when he tried to eat. Riding elevators made him dizzy, and he didn't want to leave his darkened room. Diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, he spent the season on injured reserve, unable to clear the Cowboys' return-to-play protocols.

The team sent Glaud to a neurocognitive therapy center. There, he performed rehab tasks like staring at a target while shaking his head. His scores improved over time, he says, but his headaches didn't. If anything, activity made them worse. Near the end of the 2015 season, the Cowboys sent him home to New Jersey.

Glaud hasn't played football since. Still sensitive to light, he says he wears sunglasses "just about all the time." He can walk on a treadmill, but he can't run or lift weights without getting dizzy. He has to read things repeatedly to make sense of them, and has trouble sleeping—drifting off in the middle of the night, waking up before dawn, unable to nap in between.

Then there's Glaud's perma-headache. So many things can make it worse, from sudden noises to trips to the grocery store. "If I go out to dinner with a bunch of friends, I'll have headaches and feel floaty," he says. "And I will pay for it later that night or the next day."

Glaud is close to his family: his parents Marlon and Wanda, who served in the United States Navy; his brothers Anthony and Sharif, who both played college football; his wife, Kassandra Laine, a supervisor at a health insurance company, and their three-year-old son, Kingston. He wills himself to be upbeat for them, less irritable and worn down. "I try to put away my pain," Glaud says, "and act like everything is normal and OK with me."

It isn't. On the Fourth of July, Glaud, Kassandra, and Kingston drove to the beach to watch a fireworks show. Glaud never left the car. "We even parked kind of far away from everyone and everything," Kassandra says. "But it was still loud, and there were a lot of people. Afterward, he was so nauseous. He felt like he had to throw up the entire night.

"You want to be able to enjoy life as it was. And Ka'Lial loves fireworks. So he made the sacrifice to go. But it's so hard for him to recover from doing something so small."

Kingston is a typical toddler—when he's happy, he's rambunctious; when he's grumpy, he's a handful. Either way, Glaud says, it doesn't take much to feel like those fingers are digging into his brain.

"He doesn't know what he's doing, yelling or screaming or playing with a toy, and then he starts crying," Glaud says. "And it can be hard for me not to snap or yell."

When that happens, Glaud has to excuse himself. Nothing hurts more.

"I'll go sit in my car, or sit in a room by myself," he says. "It's like, 'dang, what are you doing? That's a doggone baby.'"

Glaud sees a visual therapist. A functional neurologist. A chiropractor. A cognitive therapist who doubles as an emotional counselor. He practices memorization with flash cards and numbers, works on his balance and eye movement, gets coaching to improve his ability to think and concentrate. He has cycled through four different migraine and mood medications. So far, none of it has helped. He's looking into Botox injections, which have been approved by the FDA to treat chronic headaches, and a numbing agent that would be injected into his upper neck.

"I've put over 50,000 miles on my car in less than a year, and I don't go anywhere else but to doctor's appointments," he says.

Glaud still loves football. If doctors cleared him to play, he'd be tempted to put on a helmet. He has a number of friends in the NFL, and believes that the league can do more to prevent them from getting seriously hurt—and to help people like him once they are.

Start with concussion education. Athletes, Glaud says, need more of it. At Rutgers and with Dallas, it was teammates who noticed he was hurt. Glaud had no idea.

"Growing up, a concussion to me was like when somebody gets knocked out, or they get up and they look like they're drunk," he says. "Even in the NFL, nobody ever explained to me what a concussion actually was. I got most of my education from what is happening to me right now, and going to all these doctors.

"If you look at the symptoms they tell you—seeing stars, being a little dizzy—there's probably 40 concussions among all the players in a football game. When I talk to my doctors now, they're like, 'Maybe you only got diagnosed with two concussions in college and one in the NFL, but you had a lot more.' Maybe I had way more than I can even think of. It's like, dang."

In May, retired NFL wide receiver Calvin Johnson told the Detroit Free Press that he hid his concussions while playing for the Detroit Lions because the team "needed him out there on the field." That attitude can be dangerous. Medical research indicates that suffering multiple concussions and suffering a second concussion while the symptoms of a previous concussion have not yet resolved both can increase the risk of short- and long-term neurological harm.

Calvin Johnson claims he hid concussions during his nine-year NFL career. Photo by Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

In response, the NFL and other sports leagues have adopted rules and procedures designed to remove concussed athletes from play and to keep them sidelined until doctors clear them to return. Glaud is grateful for those rules: they kept him from continuing with the Cowboys, and possibly making his condition worse.

He also thinks they should be stronger. Currently, the NFL requires players placed on injured reserve to remain there for the duration of the season. A recent Harvard Medical School report commissioned by the NFL Players Association suggested creating a separate seven-day disabled list for concussed players—something Major League Baseball already does, and something the report says would reduce the pressure on athletes to hide concussions or return too quickly from brain injuries:

A player's recovery time from a concussion can easily range from no games to several games. The uncertain recovery times create pressure on the player, club, and club doctor. Each roster spot is valuable and clubs constantly add and drop players to ensure they have the roster that gives them the greatest chance to win each game day. As a result of the uncertain recovery times for a concussion, clubs might debate whether they need to replace the player for that week or longer. The club doctor and player might also then feel pressure for the player to return to play as soon as possible. By exempting a concussed player from the 53 man roster, the club has the opportunity to sign a short term replacement player in the event the concussed player is unable to play. At the same time, the player and club doctor would have some of the return-to-play pressure removed.

Glaud concurs. He also believes that guaranteeing more money to players regardless of injury would help. Johnson made over $100 million during his nine-year career. The average player earns much less over a much shorter span. Glaud knows active players who have hid concussions. One friend, he says, told him, I know I'm going to be fucked up when this is over.

"Calvin Johnson wanted to play because he had competitive spirit," Glaud says. "But if you're at the bottom of a roster or trying to make it, trying not to get cut, you're adding a whole financial aspect to it. A lot of us don't have nothing to go back home to."

Ed Wasielewski, Glaud's agent, says that guaranteed contracts would be a "game-changer" for the health and well-being of rank-and-file NFL players. "As an agent for 15 years, I can tell you that players tend to try to rush back from certain injuries, including concussions," he says. "If the NFL and NFLPA could come up with some kind of system with a salary floor for each player, that would make a lot of sense.

"The off-season runs from after the Super Bowl all the way to final [roster] cuts around Labor Day. Players are working with teams all the time. You can get a concussion in a simple tackling drill, or on a routine tackle or block. But because a player is incentivized to make the team in September—because that's the only way he makes his money—he's likely to hide concussion symptoms so he can continue to play and practice, feeling he has to tough it out because he can't make the 53-man roster from the training room."

The NFL and the NFLPA offer benefits to former players with brain injuries, but Glaud mostly doesn't qualify. For example, the league retirement plan provides disability payments to former players with at least three "credited" seasons of experience. Glaud only has two, because one of his seasons was spent on the Buccaneers' practice squad. Similarly, the league's 88 Plan and class action concussion lawsuit settlement pay out cash to retirees suffering from dementia and other severe neurological disorders. Glaud's post-concussion syndrome doesn't rise to that level.

The NBA, the NHL, and MLB generally offer lifetime health insurance to former players. The NFL does not. For now, worker's compensation covers the cost of Glaud's doctor's appointments. His wife's insurance pays for prescription medication. But the future is uncertain. What if Glaud never gets better? What if he can't go back to Rutgers and complete his degree in information technology, or work at a regular job?

One of Glaud's doctors recommended a brain injury specialist at New York University. When Glaud called to set up an appointment, he found out the specialist didn't accept worker's comp. Another doctor referred him to a clinic located in New Mexico. "That one would cost me $10,000 out of pocket," he says. "I'm leery to spend that much with no guarantee of it working."

Glaud has considered reaching out to Boston University and the University of North Carolina, where researchers are studying brain injury in football players, but hasn't yet picked up the phone. "I have a family and a child," he says. "I can't just get up and be gone for months."

"I pray a lot," Kassandra says. "He prays a lot. He's been to so many doctors. We're both willing to do things to make him better, but we are both losing hope. Ka'Lial says all the time, 'Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?'"

Glaud earned about $350,000 in the NFL. He saved his money, and owns rental properties that generate income. Kingston is healthy. Kassandra has a good job. His family is supportive. He knows that things could be much worse.

"Imagine if you're on the practice squad for just one year, made almost nothing, now you're unable to get a job, you have a family, and your life is going to shit," Glaud says. "How are they going to afford gas to do to doctor's appointments every other day?"

Two years ago, Glaud was preparing for training camp; today he's more likely to spend time lying on his floor, waiting for a headache to calm down. Playing football gave him goals to accomplish, obstacles to overcome, a daily routine and a sense of purpose. Now Glaud often wonders, Does the NFL really care about concussions, or guys like him? When he was in Texas, he says, the Cowboys checked in with him every day, but afterward, "it has been me by myself dealing with this shit." The sport moves on. Glaud is trying to do the same. Only his head still hurts.

"Not that I need someone to hold my hand," he says. "But I didn't get hurt my damn self. It wasn't a car accident. I didn't fall out of a tree. I got hurt playing football. And I haven't been myself the whole damn time since."

Football's Brain Injury Crisis Isn't Just for Star Players published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv