#Most important part of it is that I would call them inseparable if it weren't for the fact they are tearing each other apart—

[seaslimes]

I've decided that Rose × Dave is both yuri & yaoi actually.

[waterfire1848]

Au where everything is mostly the same but Azula cares more for Zuko and has good relationship with him (not Zucest)

Hello, @t34calliope

When Azula and Zuko grow up, Ozai doesn't force them to compete with one another because he believes that they'll be far stronger as a duo. He believes that if he can show them why family loyalty is important then they'll never betray him and he gets two powerful weapons. (Two birds with one stone). So, Zuko and Azula grow up inseparable. Wherever one of them is, the other is not far behind. Ursa never had any objections to this, seeing her children playing tag in the garden or working together to steal pastries were some of the most adorable sights in the world to her. (Ursa: Azula? What are you doing, baby? Azula: Looking for Zuzu. Ursa: I think I saw him- Azula: NO! No, mom! You can't tell me! We're playing hide and seek. Ursa: Ohhh. I'm sorry. Well, I hope you find him soon. Azula: I will!). Zuko's firebending was still weak, mind you, but since he and Azula weren't competing, he got some help from his sister in terms of bending training. He's still not at her level but he's also far from terrible.

That being said, Azulon still isn't great. He still calls for Zuko's head but this time, since Azula doesn't want her brother dead, she goes running to their mother, begging her to help them because Ozai said yes. (Azula:😭Dad...dad always said family was important, but...but he's going to kill Zuko! Ursa: No, he's not. Everything will be okay. I just need you to stay hidden for the rest of the night, okay baby? Azula: Where are you going? Ursa: To talk to your father. I'll get everything sorted out. I promise. Azula: But- Ursa: Everything will be fine, sweetie.) Ursa is gone the next morning and Zuko has no idea why. Azula tells him the truth about what happened and while Zuko doesn't want to believe it, he certainly trusts his little sister more than Ozai. From that point on, Azula and Zuko both trust one another far more than they do Ozai (dun dun dun!). For the most part, this doesn't equate to much because they still remain in the palace, train and go to school except now they know their father would be willing to kill them for his own gain and it destroys their bond with him. When Ozai and Zuko duel (with Zuko still reluctant to fight), Azula jumps onto the stage with them and fights Ozai. The fight between the three ends with Azula and Zuko being both burned and banished. (Ozai apparently doesn't realize that he needs heirs).

Neither of the siblings really wants to return to the Fire Nation and they know enough to know that their father's order to find the Avatar was just a way to get rid of them. So, when they finally leave and lose their bandages (Zuko has his classic scar but Azula hand her arm burned because she attempted to lightning bend on the stage. Doing jumps and fighting moves with hand to hand combat is gonna be hard for her for a while) they don't even try to look for the Avatar. Instead, the siblings run away from Iroh, because they don't trust him one bit, and flee into the Earth Kingdom for safety. While in the countryside, they're found by Earth Kingdom soldiers who assume that the two are orphans and bring them to a nearby orphanage. (Azula: Why do we have to stay here? Zuko: We get food, a place to sleep- Azula: Have to share a room with six other people, are sick every other week because we're all cramped together. Zuko: I know. We'll leave soon, but for now we have to stay to plan our next move. Azula: What is our next move? Zuko: I think it should be Ba Sing Se. Azula: You want to go to the impenetrable city? Zuko: Yup. Great grandfather never broke through, grandfather never broke through and uncle never broke through. It's perfect! Azula: That's true, but we don't have the money to get there. Zuko, holding up a pouch of stolen coins: No one will miss these, right. Azula: I seriously underestimated you.)

Then, one day, a week before Zuko and Azula plan to escape a family comes in to adopt them. Normally, the siblings just act crazy or refuse to be separated and that's enough to get people to leave them alone but this family refuses to budge and the orphanage needs to clear space so....off they go! The little village that their new "family" (Ling and Bo) lives in is a farming village meaning that the siblings are expected to help out but their "parents" do agree to give them as much time as they need to settle in and relax. Zuko and Azula aren't fans of their new family but they do find some of the animals fun and their new "parents" aren't horrible people. Plus, the food---which they were raised to believe would be downright disgusting---is actually delicious. That being said, they still very much plan on escaping because they don't trust Ling and Bo. That starts to change when Bo finds Azula one morning struggling with her hair (both because she never bothered to keep up with haircare too closely in the orphanage and because one of her arms doesn't really bend that way anymore) and Bo offers to help. (Bo: That better? Azula: Y-Yes. Thank you. Could you show me how you did the topknot? Bo: Of course!). While that's going on, Ling brings Zuko out to the field and gives him jobs having to deal with animals because he can see that Zuko loves them so much. Bottom line, by the end of the month, the siblings have postponed their running away.

Years pass, Azula turns fourteen and Zuko turns sixteen, and the siblings are quite content with their new parents and small village. That is, until the Fire Nation attacks. Ling and Bo manage to get out and get the kids out but their house is burned down by the invaders. Thankfully, social media isn't a thing in ATLA so none of the soldiers recognize Zuko or Azula and think that the two are Earth Kingdom children. Feeling awful because their nation destroyed their home and the villagers town, Zuko and Azula decide to flee the area (telling their parents that they're going to Ba Sing Se) and start on their journey. They travel maybe two or three miles before coming in contact with Appa and the Gaang. Zuko firebends at them (because when a giant ten ton creature comes flying straight at you what are you supposed to do?) and the Gaang quickly realize that the two are firebenders. (Aang: Actually....we're in need on some firebenders. Zuko: You need firebenders? Aang: Yup! You see, I'm the Avatar. I need a firebending master soon and- Sokka: And all the firebenders we've met have tried to burn us alive. Azula: We're not masters. We can't help you. Aang: But you at least know some bending. Please. Azula: I'm sorry, kid, but we're heading to- Zuko: We'll help. Azula: Zuko! Zuko: If he's telling the truth then we have a chance to avenge mom and dad's home. We could help end the war and then go back to them. Azula:....But we're not masters. Zuko: You heard him. He's not looking for masters. Just benders. Azula: I...but... Zuko: Starting to realize I might have a point? Azula: Yes and I hate it. Zuko: We'll come with you.)

[alterspark]

I want to talk about my memories as Ravage.

Memories regarding Soundwave and.... Megatron. This makes my feelings about him even more complicated. I won't talk about it now but if you've seen my other posts you might know I am also Cyclonus and Starscream. The latter definitely makes things..... Hard to process. I had an angsty draft that I wrote when I was heavily shifted as him [Starscream], but I've decided not to post it. Might never, might do it later. I haven't decided yet.

Anyway that's not what I wanted to talk about right now, this post is about Ravage's memories. They are very interesting, definitely cannon divergent. I was Megatron's greatest advisor, and I think I know why. In a world that was controlled by a functionalist government for so long it's no surprise that bots still hold onto some stereotypes. One of them is that minicons, especially minicons with beast modes and/or no robot mode, are less than Cybertonian or not as sentient.

Everyone expects Megatron's advisor to be Shockwave, Soundwave or any other bots high in command, no one expects a cassette. We were only seen as a expendable part of Soundwave. Which is obviously not true. After all I knew things no other bot did, not even him. Most of them I told Megatron, some I took to the grave. And our leader too has told me things I will never forget, things I don't think he has ever said out loud before. I know him deeper than anyone, not even the Prime himself, not any of his loyal Decepticons. No, no there are things those poor fools will never be aware of, some things I will never tell for the safety of everyone.

Aside from a spy and secret keeper I was also a great strategist. I helped plan most of the battles although it was usually via Megatron or Soundwave, no one would listen to me other wise. I'd climb up onto their shoulders and whisper in their audial something along the lines of: "don't send the soldiers that way, the cliffs will trap them from both sides and the Autobots will easily slaughter them from up above". And then they would listen, they would always listen if it wasn't me speaking, so called Decepticons holding onto old ways, what a joke.

I was obviously a good fighter myself, a lot more stealthy than any of the others, my claws and teeth knew how to rip and tear through metal like it was butter. But I preferred to use my mind when fighting, to plan an attack that would be deadly rather than to run into battle blindly. I always tried to kill efficiently, quickly but not too quick as to make sure the odds are in my favour. Very often I'd fight in a group with Soundwave, I gave him manoeuvring orders and he executed them perfectly, courtesy of the strong amica spark bond we had, it was a powerful tool that we used often to communicate non verbally.

And it was also important to us emotionally. I'll be honest I don't remember the other cassettes that much.... But I'm sure they were there... I think. I want them to be there, it doesn't feel right that there's only me and Soundwave. I definitely remember him. One of the first memories I got as Ravage was him, holding me gently as we were recharging. We were family, he was so important to me, more important than anyone else, even Megatron. And just as Megatron did he would tell me things he's never told anyone. I was his confidant, a stable place of comfort to come back to when things got bad. And he did need help, everyone no matter how tough they look or act are just a sparkling on the inside, and sparklings can't survive by themselves. We depended on eachother like two sides of a coin, we were inseparable.

Oh how I mourn no longer being able to feel our bond. There are so many things I struggle with in this life and I know if he was here he would sit down with me and talk. Cuddling me in his servos as he nods along with my emotional rambling. Most of my memories are like that, glimpses of me comforting Soundwave or vice versa, little moments of peace when we weren't needed on the battlefield. I miss him. I hope the other cassettes were okay. I've already lost so much as Starscream, I don't want to loose more. I know the feeling of a spark bond breaking, I wish I didn't. I hope only one of my past lives had to endure that pain, I hope at least in one universe I got to have a happy ending.

[visd3stele]

Sirius and Regulus Black - a tragedy of two brothers

ACT I

the birth of Regulus Arcturus Black

[holding hands:the oldest bond of two against foes]

The night was thick with shadows, plaguing the streets and keeping people to their homes. Two years ago, on a much brighter sky, the stars shone over the Grimmauld place number 12, welcoming the cries of a strong baby. Now, they seemed to retreat, as if the guilt of the fate they beheld shuffled out their light in shame and grief while the whole house was awake, tending to the needs of the newest member of the Noble House of Black.

Another boy, Walburga smiled. When Sirius Orion was born, the witch sighed with relief: an eligible heir. But this second son, he was a gift. Not a necessity, not a requirement, but her own bundle of silent joy. For Regulus cried so little, when he first met the unfamiliar hands of house elves passing him here and there to clean and dress him. As soon as Walburga fed him, though, he stilled, content to just take in every inch of the wide, new world he faced. The witch's smile widened, lips curled in an approving grin. Sirius had been so loud and fussy. That boy couldn't stop bubbling, demanding attention, tiring his mother and disturbing his father. He managed to wrong even in his sleep, for the baby would sleep for hours, no sound too loud to wake him, no movement too sharp to startle him. But as soon as evening settled, Sirius would open his eyes and cry and laugh or just make those noises babies usually made. It caused Walburga to cringe so many times over the years, as her son's improper behavior didn't and had no hope to improve.

But this second son? Yes, it was no doubt, Regulus Arcturus Black would be his mother's favorite.

Sirius met his little brother the morning next. His father actually picked him up for the occasion, holding him so tight as if afraid to drop him. But Sirius clinged to Orion's side with as much strength a two years old baby could muster. Even though he could walk and mumble a few sentences already, the heir of the House of Black enjoyed being carried around. Levitated by house elves, or fussed over by honorable guests, spoiled with magic toys by his parents - mostly to get him to sit still and silent.

The moment he saw Regulus, the brightest light filled his smile. And in turn, it became the warmth source of the room. "Reg'us", Sirius declared, when Orion sat on the soft mattress next to his wife and placed their first born in between them. Walburga held her son out, reluctantly showing him off to his brother and to her husband.

"Now, Sirius. His name is Regulus."

"Reg'us!" Sirius shouted gleefully. Orion laughed softly while Walburga pursed her lips. But none of it mattered for the boy. With a toothy smile still on display, Sirius leaned in closer to his brother. Their mother's arms a barrier against them, but also a safe place for the new born. His blue eyes were open wide, starring at Sirius who touched the baby's small, thick arm. Regulus pushed his lips with his tongue, the clacking sound causing his brother to chuckle.

"Hi, Reg. 'm your big bro'er."

"Call him on his name, Sirius. He needs to hear it, get used to it."

"Oh, leave them be, Walburga. Brothers bonds are very important, you know."

As usual, Sirius paid little mind to his parents quarrel. His whole attention was beheld by the little baby, no bigger than one of his plush toys gifted to him by his uncle Alphard on his birthday. He touched Regulus' arm again. This time, he lingered, pocking him slightly and gaining another funny sound out of his baby brother. Snickering, Sirius leaned more into his mother's side, sitting himself almost on her lap. He bumped Reg's nose. And again, until he start to move in Walburga's arms. Waving heavy hands in front of him in defense of his big brother's attacks.

"Stop it at once, Sirius Orion Black!" The witch warned, tucking Regulus away. She shushed the baby kindly, shifting his position to be able to better cradle him. If he didn't know any better, Orion might have believed Walburga made faces at their son, humming gently to restore him to his peace as she rocked him from left to the right so slowly he barely caught the movement of her arms.

But Sirius was a very stubborn child. And once an idea got into his head, one could hardly stop him from achieving it. He braved through his mother's cold anger and landed between her tights. He placed his head right under Walburga's elbow and pushed himself up through a loop in her bent arm until Sirius found himself in his mother's embrace, looking down at a curious looking Regulus. He waved and the baby plucked his tongue out.

Orion then laughed alongside his oldest son, marveling at the sight. Granted, his wife looked nothing the part of a loving mother, especially when she scowled down at Sirius in clear distaste. But sitting there, with his family, the woman who brought him two beautiful boys in this world having both of them tucked in her arms, Orion Black allowed himself to be awe struck. He wondered if this is what a happy family looked like, free of expectations to fulfill and appearances to keep. Free of egos big enough to shadow the wizarding England and plans and schemes to match.

The patriarch of the Most Noble and Most Ancient House of Black put an arm around his wife, enveloping their sons as well. Just in time to catch grey eyes fixed on blue ones in a silent sort of camaraderie only a sibling bond creates.

It was as if the world stopped spinning to witness the Black brothers first time together. The air felt heavy around the curtains of the old four-poster bed. The hair on Orion's arms rose and Walburga felt a shiver down her spine. The fates begin to work and they sew something great for the kids in her arms.

Unaware at the strong magic flying around them, the boys kept looking at each other. Even though Regulus's smiles were odd looking and anything at all could trigger one, Sirius took every one of them as a small victory. When he tickled his brother's chin like one of the house elves would do to him when his parents weren't looking, when he blew on Reg's face (and he scrunched up his nose) or when he laid his head down near his foot.

Walburga didn't move to take her oldest son off her. In that moment, her husband stroking Regulus' face with one hand while the other played in her hair, her children both resting on her hands, she found a rare sweetness overtaking her. Like the family's needs could be just that: a quiet, happy morning spent in four.

"And you my li'le bro'er, Reg'us." Sirius finished his earlier statement with a sound kiss on his brother's knee. Regulus sent one small, fat palm toward him. And the movement seemed completely knowingly. Sirius took the baby's fist in his and nuzzled it, causing an almost laugh to shake Regulus' body.

He kept his hand there. Even when Orion rose for an important meeting, even when Walburga called for Kreacher to take Sirius away, Regulus kept holding on to his brother. Granted, he actually kept holding to being held, but it became clear soon enough, neither brother wished to be taken away from each other. And their locked hands were their weapons in this fight. No wand, no magic, no glare or plea could separate them.

The stars' wretched fate would come to pass. But for now, the two boys were inseparable and utterly, purely loving each other.

PART 2

requests ; masterlist

[rnufharose]

Blood, Sweat, and Tears - Chapter 3

Word Count: 1865

Trigger Warnings: Post Traumatic Stress, references to murder.

︻デ═一 ♥

"It makes no sense."

Sehun was standing in the middle of the lounge, the bright lights of Seoul illuminating the night sky through the wide window of the estate, offering a breathtaking view. He had returned from the service in Icheon, continuing to mull over the information he had received from the old ladies about the murder that had taken place.

"Why target an innocent girl and her grandmother? All I heard was praise from the townspeople," he explained to the older male up front, who hadn't turned his gaze away from the view.

He was shorter than the raven-headed male, his brown hair swept and parted, and he wore a red button-down underneath his black velvety jacket along with slacks, a gold necklace around his neck along with several rings on his fingers, a glass of scotch in his hand. He had a round face, soft cheeks, thick eyebrows, dark eyes that shone with wisdom and patience, and his thin lips were in a tight line.

"Even I'm not sure," he eventually faced Sehun, a frown on his visage. "Our enemy is ruthless. Until we find a connection between them, we can't come to any conclusions. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be cautious."

He nodded in agreement, recalling when he witnessed the victim's granddaughter, her vibrancy sucked out of her due to the impromptu arrival of violence in her life. "Junmyeon hyung... what do we do about the girl?"

Before he could answer, Suho placed his glass on the table, pouring some more scotch before bringing the rim of the glass toward his lips, taking a slow sip, "That depends on you. If you want to leave her be, go right ahead. If not, well, you know what happens when you bring an innocent bystander into our world. If she runs away, you'll just have to live with it."

Sehun knew he had a point. Up until now, the girl had led a normal life, and she was now exposed to their world. He didn't want to think about what would happen if he brought her into it, however, he couldn't just leave her be.

He remembered how small she looked, closed off from the rest of the world as she suffered in silence, not once allowing a single tear to fall from her eyes. Sehun still wished he had approached her during the service.

"Don't worry, hyung," he assured Suho. "She won't run away... I'll keep her safe from whoever is trying to harm her. If her Halmeoni was a target, she's most likely one too."

The door creaked, a pair of hushed footsteps hitting the shiny mahogany floor. The third male approach Sehun and Suho, his light brown hair slicked with several messy strands brushing over his right temple and forehead. He had bronze skin and an alluring gaze, along with a tall nose and small full lips. He wore a black pinstriped suit with a lilac-colored button-down underneath, a deep purple ribbon tie pulling the look together.

"Kai!" Suho exclaimed, gesturing for him to come closer. "Gwenchana? Do you need anything?"

"I just came to tell you that another syndicate was spotted trying to take our imports," the second-youngest male spoke. "They'll be at the Han River again tomorrow."

"I see," the older male hummed, looking to his feet as he contemplated his next move. "I want you, Sehun-ah, and Chanyeol-ah to handle this situation tomorrow."

"If you insist," Sehun bowed for a moment, his hands tucked into the slacks of his warm taupe-colored suit. "After we handle our little mob war, I'll go back to protecting her."

︻デ═一 ♥

Haneul was meticulous, folding her clothes and placing them in her suitcase before moving onto her essential toiletries.

The house was silent, yet the crickets never stopped their nightly singing, but there was no singing of her own or the piano to accompany them this time around. She zipped her suitcase closed before standing, moving along to packing anything else she needed or items that would remain in storage.

After the service, Haneul had spent the rest of the day taking down pictures that hung on the wall, disassembling the dining table, putting the furniture and antiques on sale as she mulled over what she would do with the house.

Several cardboard boxes stood in the middle of the living room, some taped shut while others were waiting to be filled. As she sat before one box, Haneul commenced by putting the expensive silverware and plates inside, grabbing a Sharpie marker and naming each box after closing them.

She wouldn't need much once she went to Seoul. The most she could get was a single apartment just for her, and even that would prove to be expensive. For now, she would have to consider having a roommate or even living at The Magic Shop.

Tomorrow morning, the storage truck would come by to take everything before she left for Seoul, and this house will remain empty, haunted by the ghosts of a murder. Haneul exhaled and leaned back against the couch, taking one final look around the living room and moving one of the boxes to the side, traversing toward the kitchen for a glass of water.

She reached for the cupboard, extending her hand and taking a glass while turning on the faucet. Bringing the rim of the glass toward her lip, she heard a bang coming from the wooden frame of the window and she exclaimed with fright, her glass falling from her hand and shattering at her feet.

Her pulse throbbed, clutching her chest as the wind howled, causing the window to rattle, and she could hear the gunshots as they rang in her ears. The scent of blood touched her nostrils, death's chill creating goosebumps on her skin, and Haneul stumbled out of the kitchen, crouching in the corner of the living room and curling up, bringing her knees to her chest. She covered her ears, squeezing her eyes shut as she attempted to block out the sounds of the gun. Her breath hitched, and she buried her face in her knees, hoping that she would just disappear, but the terror continued to rage around her.

Once the howling quieted, she pulled her hands away from her ears, welcoming that silence that surrounded her in its fleeting comfort, more tears cascading down her cheeks.

With a sniffle, Haneul pushed herself up once again, grabbing her coat and slipping her arms through the sleeves. She took her suitcase and checked her wallet, counting her money before pulling her hoodie over her head and finding her sneakers.

She rolled the suitcase toward the front door and slipped the keys under the welcome mat, not once looking back at the house. Gripping the suitcase's handle, she pushed through the door and made her way through the open front yard, opening the gates and walking down the stone steps, the cool spring breeze blowing through the few tresses of hair that weren't covered by her hoodie.

I can't stay here.

︻デ═一 ♥

In the late hours of the night, Ilsung walked down the main street, carrying a carton with two cups of milk tea. The stores were brightly lit, the occasional car driving by while the townspeople walked through the streets, conversing with each other or with those they ran into.

He had promised Haneul he would help her pack her things before she left, but he wasn't thrilled with the prospect of her leaving.

Besides the danger that was evident in the city, there was more to it. Icheon was her home, and her most precious memories remained here, and the thought of her going far away was his biggest fear.

He recalled their time in high school, leaving America to live in Korea, where he had met her, Surin, and Minsoo. The four of them were inseparable, and they made plans to never leave each other. The innocence of adolescence was blissful in the sense that the violence of Seoul could never touch this town.

He recalled the school festivals they attended, spending long hours in Surin's mother's café, volunteering at Minsoo's family clinic, and even visiting Haneul and Soonbok's house to study. He understood that witnessing something so gruesome would make someone leave, but if she allowed them in so they could help her, Haneul could learn to forget what happened and move on eventually.

Running away would only have her live with this trauma.

Ultimately, the blonde male had found the lone street where the houses were lined, the stone steps of the gate before him. He hoped she was doing alright living alone for the night. Ilsung took a deep breath and climbed the stairs, knocking on the gate and calling toward the other side.

"Angel! It's me!" He mustered up a gentle smile. "I brought some bubble tea and I'm here to help you pack!"

There was no answer. Not the sound of the front door opening, those soft, airy footsteps, nor was the lock jingling.

"Haneul?" Ilsung tried again, placing his hand against the gate, only to find it swing open with a low creak. His brown eyes shifted along the front yard, and the lights happened to remain on. "Is she sleeping...?" He muttered. "Why would she forget to lock the gate...?"

He walked toward the front door, taking his shoes off and knocking once, but like the gate, it was already open.

"What the hell?" He questioned, walking inside and setting the bubble tea down. "Angel, you there? You okay?" He wondered as he found the living room, full of closed boxes that would head for the storage center first thing in the morning.

Again, there was no answer.

He searched the kitchen, his widening when he realized there was shattered glass on the floor. Careful not to stab his feet, Ilsung stepped out of the kitchen, walking through the bedroom corridor.

"Where are you?!" He opened the screen doors of Soonbok's room, and he found it was vacant. The last room he checked was Haneul’s, grabbing the doorknob and swinging it open.

The curtains were pulled over the window, the bedsheets were neatly folded, and her bookshelf was still full. The screen doors of her closet were open, and there was not a trace of her clothes anywhere, nor were her cosmetics and toiletries.

He went looking through the house once more, calling out to Haneul frantically, and yet again, her voice hadn't reached his ears. Falling to his knees, Ilsung planted his hands on the wooden planks of the floor, the emptiness of the house stirring anxiety within the pit of his stomach. He thought he could convince her, that maybe she would stay and forget.

That maybe she would stay for him.

However, he didn't know how desperately she wanted to be rid of that gruesome memory. In one capricious moment, the blonde male realized that it was too late.

She had run away.

[sxmriddhi]

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking, and if you do I get it, but your post earlier today made me curious. What happened with your old best friend? You seem to have mentioned them a few times on here and I wondered why you weren't talking and why you can't talk now.

Wow erm, that’s quite a story. It’s got lots of different parts to it so be prepared for a long post:

Me and my best friend (let’s call them Alexa) met in year 7. We were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to start a new school and met on the bus trips there. She was the introvert to my extrovert. We bonded over our various obsessions over the years (One Direction, Taylor Swift, A Rocket to the Moon, Les Mis, Wicked, Busted, books and TV shows - pretty much what you’d expect 11-16 year old’s to bond over) and we spent more and more time together over the years. It got to the point where Alexa was staying at my home every other weekend. We had inside jokes and shared so many secrets (this becomes important later). Alexa’s mom even went as far as to joke about paying rent for the amount of time her daughter spent at my house.

I also introduces Alexa to my other best friend (let’s call her Jo). Jo was in my class and we bonded around year 9. We quickly became close too because our school was unhealthy and relationships were either 100% or 0%. It meant that most people spent all their time with the same few friends. At that age you don’t realize how helpful a little space is because you don’t want to miss out on anything. It’s something I still have to remind myself of because of how unhealthy my relationships were in high school.

So through years 10-11, the three of us slowly became a team. By year 11, we were the three musketeers. We did everything together. We were the typical movie girl squad who geeked out and had sleepovers and went on adventures. All my pictures had those two in. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was the one who did all the planning. I invited them over. I made plans with them. I sorted out tickets and travel and meals out. My dad gave us rides and cooked us food. I spent money on birthdays and christmases because I thought that was what friends do.

What movies don’t tell you is that friendships aren’t supposed to be one-sided like that. They don’t show the planning or the person more invested in a friendship. They don’t show how unhealthy a friendship can become and how manipulated a young girl can feel with trying to impress her friends who, by all means, hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong…yet.

Sixth form arrived. And things fell to shit.

After a summer of anti-prom, summer trips, talking about our futures, looking forward to the next two years, I came back to school and continued with my life. We were in a larger group of friends that had sort of amalgamated Alexa’s class friends and my class friends. Alexa got to know my wider group. But she also began to withdraw from it all slightly. I could tell something was wrong and eventually she felt comfortable enough to confide in me: she had a crush on a girl in our group. Now, this isn’t a big deal to anyone I know. The issue is that this is an all girls school. The girl that Alexa liked had a girlfriend. Alexa’s family was slightly religious. Alexa wasn’t sure if the feelings were romantic or just a close friendship. She didn’t feel any sexual feelings and was still emotionally attracted to men as well so it was all confusing for her.

Now, let’s introduce character number three: Let’s call her Vicky. Vicky was horrible. She’d always been horrible to me. In year 12 I had gotten the lead role in our school musical and she’d thrown a fit. She claimed it was an attempt for the school to look racially inclusive rather than just due to me deserving the part. She turned people against me. She spread rumours about me and tore me down. She was everything that a school bully entails. But she was also subtle about it. She was sly and slow and her comments were barely noticable. Her tone was slightly different or her word choices were slightly off. She’d fail to say hello to me when sitting with my entire group of friends. She’d conveniently place more faith in others when we were told to work in a group. She’d forget to invite me to things. 

She wanted to know Alexa’s secret. So I covered for Alexa. I told everyone that I was the one struggling with feelings for someone and that Alexa was helping me. Then, once Alexa became comfortable enough to tell our friends about her feelings but wouldn’t say who it was, I told people it was me so that the heat would disperse and they would stop prying. I did this all with Alexa’s permission. I made sure she wanted this to happen so that she didn’t have to face the others. Then she told the girl she liked (via a letter - this is also important) and they finally got together. But Alexa was still unhappy. She realized it wasn’t just her sexuality that was changing but her gender identity. She trusted me with this secret and I kept it. I supported her through all the choices and changes she made. I called her Alex and, in private, used the pronouns he/him (which I will adopt from hereafter). Alex finally told our friends when he felt ready but quickly began to withdraw from me and I couldn’t understand why. All I’d done was support and love him? I just wanted him to be happy.

Alex, Jo and I had a plan to watch the Teen Wolf finale in March that year at my house before meeting the rest of our friends the next day to go ice skating. Suddenly Jo had to pull out for an “emergency opticians appointment”. Bit sketchy but okay. She said she’d meet me on Saturday for ice skating instead. Then a few days later Alex said he was busy with family matters so would meet me on Saturday along with the others too. I accepted it. I felt slightly hurt but understood their reasoning. On Friday afternoon, I double checked the times we were all meeting before we left school and on Saturday I had my dad drive me to where we were going to meet to find…. nobody.

Nobody was there. I called everyone. Someone eventually picked up and explained that the time had changed and hadn’t anyone told me? They’d already been and gone. But why had nobody questioned my absence if so? Wouldn’t you worry that your friend hadn’t shown up to a preplanned meeting?

I felt humiliated. I’d been abandoned by my friends and my dad had to watch it all happen. I was crying and inconsolable. That Monday I went to ask what had happened and was told that it had been Alex’s idea to disinvite me. I didn’t understand. What had I done that was so wrong? I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. We’d been friends for six years and this was how it would end? Didn’t I even deserve a letter detailing what Alex felt about me? Did I mean less to him than his crush had?

We didn’t speak for the rest of that school year. I didn’t speak to any of them. None of them had stood up for me and nobody came to console me after I left the group. None of them cared enough to check up on me. They’d all just accepted my absence.

Year 13 began after an incredibly lonely summer. I sat alone for lots of my free time before slowly attempting to repair what was broken. Another mistake on my part. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Why should I be attempting to make amends? But I did. It started with small smiles and little hellos. I tried to support Alex when he got into a huge fight with Jo. He wrote her a letter detailing his feelings then too. Once again, why did everyone except me deserve an explanation? We didn’t discuss the incident in March. I picked his name in secret santa that year and used the opportunity to detail a personal, heartfelt card along with my gift to him, expressing how much I’d loved knowing him this last 7 years. In January we even went on a trip to London together. Things were slowly normalizing.

Then his stepfather died. Then his grandfather. Then he started hanging out with Vicky. Then he told her my secrets and stopped speaking to me again. He made cryptic posts about me on his blog. He cancelled plans. He laughed in my direction. He started spreading rumours. He broke my heart all over again.

He and Vicky became inseparable. Nobody understood it but it happened. And the group divided along with them. He called me a bad friend and a terrible person on his blog. He wrote about how he didn’t want to be friends with me and didn’t like me at all. He spoke of his new friend and how she was so much better. How he’d wasted time with me. I checked his blog every day. I read through the posts obsessively and tried to analyse his feelings. I tried to understand if he was having a good day or a bad day. I wanted to be able to help him if he was hurting, even after everything he was doing to me.

More fights happened and more tears were shed. I can’t even remember half the things that were said and done because I was so disorientated by the whole situation. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t sleeping well. I had exams that I couldn’t focus on. I felt like I was disintegrating. I’d spent seven years loving this person - nearly half of my life - only for them to toss me aside like I was nothing. We had grown up together. We’d painted my room together. We’d lived our lives together. But not anymore. Now he had Vicky.

What do you do when your best friend starts spending time with the one person who made your high school life a living hell? You panic.

I spent almost every Friday afternoon crying alone because of him. I had panic attacks and nightmares. I had no self-esteem and little hope at ever making any friends again. I had to see the school councillor.

Being in a bad situation doesn’t give you an excuse to be a dick.

But I still tried. I made a gift for his mother as she’d lost her father and partner within months. I wrote her a letter explaining that I was sorry I couldn’t be around to help more due to the situation with her daughter (she didn’t know about his gender identity changes yet so I had to write daughter) but that if she required any help that my family was always available for them. I spent nearly £100 on gifts that I knew they’d like and things that we’d shared over the years. I left the gift with a neighbour to give to them and then left. 

Days passed…then weeks, months even. I heard nothing back. Did they get the gift? Had the neighbour stolen it? What had happened? I plucked up the courage to text Alex and received the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He said he wanted me to stop pretending to be his friend. He called me selfish and heartless and a bitch. He said I shouldn’t have gotten his mother involved (in what? I can’t tell you because I don’t know myself) and that i should just never speak to him again. He said he’d thrown the box out and wanted nothing from me. I cried again. I felt alone again. What had I done? I thought I was doing a good deed.

That was the last time I heard from him until I started university. That summer had been about reinventing myself. I’d gone to the gym. Hell, I’d gone to New York! I’d been in a car accident. I’d changed my own life. I moved to uni and used a different name, leaving my old nickname in high school. I created a Facebook account to make new friends here. I deleted old phone numbers and cut my hair. I made a resolution to stop checking his blog obsessively. I tried to become someone new. 

I was in my new room in the dormitories and posted a video on snapchat of my friend using the tambourine he’d previously gifted to me before I threw it out. I didn’t have Alex on any social media so I wasn’t being spiteful. It was just a fun night in my room, ridding myself of any old, bad memories. A few days later I got a message from him demanding it back. I had trashed it and I didn’t want to speak to him so I didn’t respond. Then I received another message, then an email, then more messages over the next few months all threatening to “take things further” unless I returned his property. I blocked all the numbers, deleted the emails. Then he tried to add me as a facebook friend. I didn’t want that. I was finally moving on. Then he had his new boyfriend and other flatmates try to contact me. I blocked them too.

Even up until just a month ago, I get random attempts to contact me. I can’t go back there. The situation was unhealthy. I can’t return to that person that I was. He changed me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust someone that freely again. I live in fear that he’ll be the closest thing to a relationship I’ll ever experience. That he’ll be the only person I ever loved enough to let all the way in. I’m scared that he was my person and I’ll never have someone like that again.

We all talk about how when you break up with your partner, it kills a part of you. Nobody ever talks about when you break up with your person. He was my person. And losing him killed me.