#Monster Laughs with Vincent Price

[muppet-facts]

Muppet Fact #710

Robin's performance of "Over the Rainbow" was cut from the episode of The Muppet Show with Alice Cooper when it was included in the Monster Laughs with Vincent Price video release.

Sources:

Monster Laughs with Vincent Price. Jim Henson Video. 1994.

The Muppet Show. Episode 307: Alice Cooper. October 30, 1978.

[txrks]

Tag Dump 1

[markredfield]

ERASED FROM HISTORY, DEPT.

or, I Have Receipts

Some may know that I like fantasy, science fiction, and horror films.

Some may know that I’ve made, or been in, a few. My cameo in a 2023 Netflix series is the most recent.

Only a few people know that, in the long, checkered, wild, and sometimes (sometimes?!?) ugly and heartbreaking life of a “monster” magazine called “Famous Monsters of Filmland” (started in 1958 by James Warren and Forrest J Ackerman), that I was for a short time the magazine’s Managing Editor, and then, it’s Editor-In-Chief.

I have receipts. I’ve downloaded hundred of emails. Digitized and archived them. I printed them so they had some “reality” for me. How many printed pages? A couple of inches worth. I laughed! I cried! as a re-read some of it recently.

It was a wild, maddening ride.

That history? All that hard work? All the ugly? And to be completely erased from it all? No worries. Fuck it, and fuck the really bad players involved. And not in a nice way. Nobody need know what we went through, just as not many people know who Forry Ackerman and Jim Warren were, or that Corey Taylor of “Slipknot” owns it now. Or that there once was and is, as of this date, a print (is there?) magazine called “Famous Monsters of Filmland”. Well, there’s a brand, anyway.

But it was a wild ride, and I was really very good at my job. As Robert Evans said (I paraphrase recklessly), “It’s the amateurs that fuck you. Every. Fucking. Time.” (Or was it Harlan Ellison who said that?)

Photo: FM # 254. Art by Jason Edmiston. I brought Jason to FM’s attention. This is his first of many covers. This is the issue that got me fired as Editor-In-Chief. For putting Vincent Price on the cover, and for, well, being a real Editor-In-Chief.

- Mark Redfield

Posted 11/26/23

[twistedtummies2]

The Price May Be Right - Number 28

Welcome to “The Price May Be Right!” I’m counting down My Top 31 Favorite Vincent Price Performances & Appearances! The countdown will cover movies, TV productions, and many more forms of media. Today we focus on my pick for Number 28…which is really a whole group of performances: His Appearances on the Red Skelton Show.

Most people love Vincent for his appearances in spook shows and as dastardly villains. Which is fair, naturally; the man made a niche for himself very well in those sectors, and they DO dominate this list. However, many people forget that a lot of Vincent’s earliest roles were comedy performances, such as in “Service De Luxe” and “Champagne for Caesar.” He was a versatile performance who could be just as silly as he was sinister. A few parts I’ve talked about already have showcased this, and more to come will continue to make it clear that for as many nasty no-good-nicks as he played, Vincent Price was never afraid to have a good laugh, or to let others have them. There are few places better to see Vincent’s talent for comedy on display than on his many, MANY appearances on the Red Skelton Show. Red Skelton – one of America’s all-time greatest clowns and comedians – was actually very good friends with Vincent; exactly how they met and where their friendship really started is unclear, but their working relationship, on its own, lasted almost twenty years. Between 1956 and 1971, Price appeared numerous times on Skelton’s variety show, in skits that ranged from self-parody pieces to out-of-left-field lunacy. Not only that, but Price guest-starred in one of Skelton’s final televised appearances: a holiday special entitled “Freddie the Freeloader’s Christmas Dinner,” where he played a down-on-his luck professor. What’s most fun about Vincent’s appearances on the Red Skelton Show, in my opinion, is that he was somehow one of the few people who could UPSTAGE Skelton. The man was always known for being a ham, and when one put him in front of a live-audience and give him work that largely relies on improvisation, one could safely be said to have opened Pandora’s Box. From singing a duet with Boris Karloff about how much fun it is to play horror movie monsters, to playing an eccentric chef who has stranded himself on a deserted island to try and create his greatest recipe, Vincent somehow stole the show each time. One of my favorite examples was in the sketch “Freddie’s Masterpiece” (sometimes called “The Original DaVinci”), which was one of Price’s earliest appearances on the show. The sketch depicted Vincent as a supercilious and obsessive art collector called Mr. Giblert; a chief example of self-parody as Price was actually a very noted lover of fine art, and especially painting. When he finds out Freddie the Freeloader – Skelton’s hobo clown character – has accidentally discovered a lost DaVinci masterpiece, Gilbert tries a variety of schemes to steal the painting. When all else fails, finally, Gilbert goes berserk, and throws a tantrum like a baby, kicking and screaming and rolling around on the floor yelling: “I’VE NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL DAVINCI! I MUST HAVE THAT PAINTING! I MUST, I MUST, I MUST���!” In response to this INTENSE outburst, Skelton is left COMPLETELY speechless…and when he finally regains the ability to speak, he looks to his partner (Jackie Coogan) and, gesturing to Vincent says: “You know, I once had an Original SKELTON Show.” God bless both these men; may they continue to make others laugh in that great sketch show in the sky.

Tomorrow, the countdown continues with my pick for Number 27!

[danasen]

      𝖉𝖆𝖓𝖍𝖆𝖚𝖘𝖊𝖓 is… well, 𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖞 𝖓𝖎𝖈𝖊, 𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖞 𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖑, of course! he’s that weird little guy in the corner, plotting curses over jars of teeth. his vocabulary? delightfully off-kilter, like he’s assembled it from old comic strips and 80s monster movies. he’s charming in a way that makes you laugh and maybe check twice over your shoulder – like if vincent price decided to become a pro wrestler but leaned all the way into the bizarre.

        embodying the spirit of a whimsical villain, he has his own set of rules about the business, even if most of them include “curses for money” and “no swearing.” he very and i mean very rarely breaks kayfabe unless you’re a part of his inner circle. don’t assume you know him, because if you think so… you definitely don’t know him at all. to him, there is no character; there is only danhausen.

        on the other hand, 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙤𝙫𝙖𝙣 𝙙𝙖𝙣𝙝𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙣, couldn’t be more different. he’s a curious mix of introspection and creativity. donovan is quieter, almost shy, somewhat childlike with wonder and entirely fascinated with the quirks of people and the human mind. an artist at heart, he loves horror films and comics, obsessed with all things macabre, which all feeds into the theatricality of danhausen.

        𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖉𝖆𝖓𝖍𝖆𝖚𝖘𝖊𝖓… or be CURSED!

[jimhenson-themuppetmaster]

Kermit The Frog bites Vincent Price on The Muppet Show

[wilheminalibrary]

9/15/2023

Its Own Kind of Ambition

There’s a concept in advertising that tik-tak’d its little chitinous legs all the way up my spine and wrapped itself around my brain like the monster in the Vincent Price movie The Tingler. It’s called “extension” or “blow out” meaning any good idea needs to be blown out into an omnichannel message that has bespoke activations across its various platforms. What does this idea look like in social? What about on the website? This has so rewired my brain that I see everything big picture now.

There’s an anecdote I heard about the novelist David Morrell negotiating the movie rights to First Blood: Completely clueless about the process, Morrell got an entertainment lawyer on referral from a friend. Immediately, this lawyer includes sequel rights and merchandizing rights into Morrell’s contract. Morrell calls this lawyer and complains. “Sequels? He dies at the end. And he’s a murderous Vietnam vet, who’s buying lunchboxes of that?”

“You never know,” said the lawyer and, sure enough…

It’s fucking Rambo. You know the punchline.

This is a story meant to make the audience chuckle knowingly. To wipe their brows and phew for Mr. Morrell who almost missed the gravy train. I hear the story and get nostalgic for Morrell’s mindset. I miss when ideas were ideas and stories were stories. My brain too easily plays the lawyer, slickly looking at every idea and seeing lunchboxes, sequels, series, action figures.

I tell people that I started taking poetry “seriously” when I was a teenager. That’s when my normal weekend habit of going to my local coffeehouse open mic opened its trapdoor and dropped me into the competitive slam scene. At that age, the challenge of competition pushed me to write more creatively, more boldly, and more honestly. I wrote pieces with complex choreography about my parents’ divorce. I wrote poems about my very complicated relationship with masculinity (hold for laughs) and, for the most part, was rewarded for it.

Poets at every bout had books and CDs. I wrote enough poems to fill an album, a book, a “feature” at a coffeeshop or venue. I didn’t feel any internal charge for these parts of the process, I just noticed other poets doing it and, like smoking cigarettes and writing dirty haiku, I figured it was something I ought to be doing. Poets started talking about “publishing” and “submitting” to literary magazines and websites and prizes. I did that, too. Poets started slamming, competing with performances of their poems for randomized panels of judges for scores from 1 to 10. I did that, too. Ironically, this hobby rooted in authentic self-expression was pushing me to express myself in ways I wouldn’t have considered otherwise. This all eventually culminated in me writing myself into a burnout and a seven-year hiatus from writing poems.

I couldn’t sit down and write without, if you’ll pardon me for torturing the metaphor, thinking about the price of lunch boxes. How does this fit in a book? How does it sound live? What kind of scores would it get in Minneapolis? I was advertising years before I ever went to ad school. Since going to ad school, as explained above, only made those instincts sharper. Nowadays, whenever I flex my creative muscles, I risk cutting them on those instincts.

It’s only recently that I’ve been making a more concerted effort to break that habit. Writing for fun, writing only when I feel compelled to write, and writing without a long-term plan. It takes more effort than I’d like to admit, but I enjoy the process more. I have friends who I share things with. I have a community I write for. I no longer feel quite as hungry for recognition outside of myself.

I’m sure a lot of this new push has to be laid, like everything lately, at the altar of my transition. The hollow of my heart no longer seemed to plummet quite so deep once I figured out the fundamental wrong of my body. The hole used to rumble for things like recognition, validation, acknowledgment, striving for fulfillment. Now I realize all it needed was the truth, and the understanding that I was a woman.

The craft still matters. Every piece and thing I write still has to be good by my own metric. I am simply more gentle with myself. I submit to journals when I feel like it. I perform when I can. I no longer eat until my teeth break. I know longer write with ambition.

Save, of course, for the ambition to simply be happy.

Yours with an open mouth,

-B

[dangerousconnoisseurdonut]

firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself publicly, then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) 🫶🏼✨

5 things I like about myself? Ugh, that's tricky.

I like to think I'm honest about myself in regards to my limitations. For example, I *can* draw, but I need a model to draw from; free style doesn't always look like what I'm hoping to convey. Do I wish I could convey what's in my mind? Absolutely. Am I embarrassed? No, because there are some people who can't draw even with a model in front of them.

I can do Counted Cross Stitch; for those who don't know, there are two types of cross stitch, Counted, and Pattern. Pattern is cross stitch that had the pattern printed onto the parchment; Counted is when you have a pattern, you have the parchment, but they are not one and the same. You literally search for the centre, and begin counting; if your count is off, your pattern will be off.

I try to help people who look tired and could do with a break, even if it's something like doing the dishes even when it's not your turn. Or write a little fic for a friend who's going through a rough patch and could do with a little ray of sunshine.

I like movies that others, for some bizarre reason, say are bad movies. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - Rottentomatoes critics gave it 22% while audiences gave it 24% but I happen to like it. The Bat with Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead - critics gave it 14% while audiences were a bit kinder with 49% but my mom and I love it and view it as one of our favourite murder mysteries

Others might see this as being connected to point 4, but I think there is a difference here; I fully admit that I enjoy SciFi/Horror movies from the 50s, 60s, and 80s (70s was a little too weird even for me) that others today call cheesy or they laugh at them. The Deadly Mantis, Creature with the Atom Brain, The Monster that Challenged the World, The Abominable Dr. Phibes (71; sue me), the remake of The Blob, Leviathan, and those are only a few. I get a little upset when people make fun of the old 50s movies and it's spiteful or mocking; like the Gill-Man's suit from Creature from the Black Lagoon when people says it's *obviously* a guy in a rubber suit. That was the best they could do at the time and I happen to like it as Hollywood is getting lazy with CGI instead of doing real monster makeup. It took Jack Pierce 5-6 hours to turn Lon Chaney jr from a man into a werewolf.

Rant done; probably got more than you were looking for!

[thesnadger]

20 Great Horror Podcasts To Fall Asleep And Have Nightmares To

I listen to a lot of horror podcasts, and if you’re looking for a spooky recommendation for October, I am here to provide. These are my personal top ten (not in any order) and ten rapid-fire “honorable mentions” as well.

The Silt Verses – Strange, soothing folk horror. Two followers of an outlawed god travel their deity’s great black river, hiding from a police manhunt and encountering other weird gods that have flourished in forgotten rural territories. There is a god in your fridge, a god in your radio, a god in your deepest regrets, and none of that is a good thing.

The Hotel – Someplace beyond time and space is The Hotel, where guests check in but they don't check out *Vincent Price laugh* instead meeting a violent death at the will of the Hotel. The truly stand out part is the hotel staff, who end up getting most of the focus. The interplay between these terrible monsters who are all trapped in hell together is absolutely fantastic, horror office politics at its finest.

The Magnus Archives – Jonathan Sims’s job is to record statements of encounters with the supernatural. But the more he records, the more connections he makes between these seemingly disconnected tales of terror. A horror/tragedy with a deep emotional core, difficult moral questions, and just the right amount of humor. You’ve already heard of this one why am I even telling you about it, it’s good.

Unwell – Mount Absalom, Ohio is a small town, the kind of place where you don’t lock your doors at night. Where the ghost tour at Fenwood House runs rain or shine. Where buildings still bear the marks of the last great fire in the Burning Woods. Where you might hear echoes of conversations long past in the observatory on Chapel Hill. Unwell is particularly memorable for its fun, colorful characters and for its themes of history and loss. A Midwestern Gothic mystery about family, memories, and the things that haunt us in the end.

Down – A submarine called the Virgil enters a seemingly bottomless Antarctic trench. Its mission: to map the pit and collect samples of any scientifically interesting creatures within. But when an encounter with one of these creatures goes awry, tensions form among the crew, and they begin to wonder how safe they really are. All the while, the Virgil descends … and descends … and descends.

Mockery Manor – It’s the summer of 1989, and people are going missing in Mockery Manor theme park. It’s up to a pair of teenage sisters to unravel the mystery and catch the killer – if they can get past their own traumas and work together. If you like 80s and 90s horror/slasher movies, this one is for you. The audio production values are some of the best I’ve seen, and include in-universe pop songs and wonderfully atmospheric 90s horror synth.

I Am In Eskew – David Ward is lost. He’s found himself in Eskew, a place of steep and winding streets, where the architecture changes at will and the rain never stops. Eskew grips its people tight, and does not let go easily. These are David’s stories of the city that has claimed him, and of someone who is looking for him there.

Gospel Of The Flood – The world is sinking. Slowly, day by day, the continents are vanishing under the waves. This is the age of the Flood. We follow a priest who has lost his faith, as he searches for the people he remembers in this doomed and dying world. A tragedy/existential horror about faith, despair, kindness, cruelty, and the tide that carries it all away.

The Lost Cat Podcast – Our narrator is looking for his cat. It isn’t the nicest cat, nor the most well-behaved, but it is his cat and he misses it. As he searches he encounters many people, many creatures, and some truly terrible things. He’d like to tell you about them. The tone for this one fluctuates from story to story, from genuinely horrifying to purely comedic to incredibly soft and gentle.

Archive 81 – A man named Daniel Powell listens to some audio tapes. This will surely not have severe consequences for anyone. Melody Pendras interviews the tenets of a building where reality wears thin at the edges. A play from golden age of radio brushes against something mankind wasn't meant to hear. Two siblings attempt an occult ritual left by their estranged (and now deceased) father. It's a lot of weird analog horror with fun found footage scattered within.

(Note: Archive 81 is genuinely nothing like the Netflix adaptation of the same name. The plot is entirely different, the characters act differently, the podcast is a surreal cosmic horror while the adaptation is a straightforward demon cult and Netflix made Melody straight. Don’t mention the Netflix adaptation in this household we all hate the Netflix adaptation here.)

Honorable Mentions: (i.e., I like them but for one reason or another they weren’t right for the top ten.)

Midst - More Fantasy/Weird/Western than horror, but if you like horror you’ll love the monsters, the cosmic horror reality storms and the truly weird imagery. The unique narration style is like nothing else I’ve ever heard and keeps the energy high.

The White Vault S1 & S2 – Frozen tundra horror, similar vibes to The Thing, in a found footage format. I mostly recommend the first two seasons, because they’re the most solid and they work as a self-contained story.

Old Gods of Appalachia – Appalachian folk horror, angry ghosts and forest gods. Some characters and threads run through it but largely each season is its own setting and story.

Alice Isn’t Dead – A truck driver searches America for the wife she long assumed was dead. Soft spoken road trip horror slowly unraveling an inhuman conspiracy.

Woe.Begone – More scifi/thriller than horror, but good shit. What begins as a mysterious and violent ARG with real-life consequences becomes a search for the technology that makes the game possible. Great music, fun narrator, dark themes.

Death By Dying – The Obituary Writer of Crestfall, Idaho just can’t stop himself from investigating the mysterious deaths he’s supposed to be writing about. Very silly and whimsical, more black comedy than pure horror with big Welcome To Night Vale vibes.

A Voice From Darkness – Parapsychologist Dr. Malcolm Ryder helps those who suffer from supernatural troubles on his call in radio show. I’ll warn that the update schedule is a bit slow and not super consistent.

The SCP Archives – A podcast that takes stories from the SCP Foundation wiki and gives them voice acting, foley and the full audio treatment. Picks a pretty good variety, too.

The Wrong Station – Anthology podcasts are always a little hit and miss, but the fact that The Wrong Station keeps the same writing/VA team from episode to episode really helps keep it consistent. I made a list of my favorite episodes here.

Nightlight – Anthology podcast with creepy stories written by black writers and performed by black actors. Like all anthologies, you’ll like some stories better than others, but they cover a pretty wide range.

[frankiemorses]

There were few things Frank enjoyed in his new hometown (home... City?) than a good bodega run. It was a great way to cool off after a heavy workload, even if the food didn't compare to a Fish Fry back home. Today, he went for a bit of lighter fare, just because he had maybe two thirds of a pizza waiting for him back in his tiny apartment. Just a coffee and a loose bag of chips, that's really all he could think to grab He was daydreaming on his long walk and subway stops about laying on his threadbare couch, throwing on The Monster Club, and falling into sweet lazy bliss to the sounds of Vincent Price and John Carradine talking about the lives of monsters. He grinned as he grabbed his bodega spoils and made a plan to dig through his extensive DVD collection to find something he hadn't thrown on in a while... And nearly got knocked on his ass from the shock of being bumped into.

It took him a few seconds, leaning back against the doorframe, before he started laughing, maybe a little too boisterously. "Sheesh!" Frankie breathed, shaking his head. "Man, I did not see you there. That almost scared me, good job."

Status: Open Location: A corner store/coffee shop/any kind of store really For: @bhqextras

This place was a labyrinth. Sure it was built on a grid but the blonde had still managed to get lost between where the taxi had dropped her off not ten minutes ago and right now where suddenly everything looked entirely different. She’d been on her way to pick up some dinner before heading back to Brooklyn from a place that had been recommended to her by … well google actually, but somehow got turned around in the process. Looking around with her classic deer in the headlights look she tried to meet the gaze of anyone nearby who didn’t look too threatening - eventually deciding to duck into the store to her right. “I’m sorry, excuse me, you don’t happen to know how I get back to East 9th and um…1st?” Not noticing that someone else was already there in her panicked state and accidentally checking them in the shoulder. “I … oh no, I didn’t see…” She quickly started to apologise, the words dying on her tongue. 

[wilwheaton]

any recommendations for vintage horror movies for the spooky season? (besides the super classic ones, like the universal monsters)

If you want to go way back, check out The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Nosferatu, or The Man Who Laughs.

Others, in no particular order, off the top of my head:

The Wicker Man (1970s)

The Black Cat (original)

Anything from Corman's Poe Cycle with Vincent Price, but especially Masque of the Red Death.

Speaking of Vincent Price, House of Wax!

Those are all classics with real strong, spooky, vibes.

I'm gonna slip in two modern suggestions: The VVitch and Green Room. They aren't vintage, and there's a strong argument that Green Room isn't horror, but it scared the fuck out of me, so.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

(Yes I have insomnia again. Stupid rambling time)

You know, it occurs to me I have seen just about all the classic horror movies from the silent era up to the 70’s. I’ve also seen a ton past that up to recent stuff. ** I always think I don’t like horror movies, and yet I LOVE so many!

I suppose it boils down to the fact that I don’t need horror movies to churn up fears, but to give me a safer sort of scares. Life is cruel, and as Mom used to say “If someone can imagine doing it, then someone somewhere probably has.” A serial killer might slaughter you tomorrow, but ghosts, vampires, demons, and all the rest can never hurt you. Humans are terrifying but monsters feel like friends.

I adore dark fantasy, sometimes pitch black, but I need it to be fantasy. I don’t want to be submerged in bleakness or be infected with possible terrors to haunt my thoughts. I am perfectly capable of nightmares, anxieties, and jumping at bumps in the night all on my own thanks!

But dang, it’s Halloween! I want something new to watch! I long ago saw all of Hammer, Universal, Vincent Price, Bava, Val Lewton, and every other “cozy” *** type horror I can think of. ****There has to be something good left I’ve missed.

Getting a time machine to hunt up London After Midnight because I am out of classic horror to watch seems a bit drastic! LOL

** My blind spot is the realistic and things the revel in sadism. I can take a lot of gore, but context matters. I prefer the fantastical rather than things that cut too close to reality.

*** Cozy by my standards. Some I enjoy others finds legit scary. Actually, a lot others find scary. Considering others find The Exorcist, an utterly hilarious movie scary, I know my tastes are atypical. It’s all subjective.

**** New stuff to me this year was the completely annoying Conjuring 2, the eye rolling comedy of Survival of the Dead, the abysmal Creepshow 2, the even more awful Satan’s Triangle tv movie, the actually rather cool Baba Yaga (1973) , the “is it horror or not” Svengali (1931), the interesting EC comics like Dead & Buried, and some very pathetic Puppet Master movie I can’t remember the title of that left me wondering “Yes, the baddie is a Nazi, but the film makers expect us to laugh during the hate crimes….so I am not sure they aren’t seeming to endorse the hate”

Yeah, they aren’t all bad movies, but it’s rather underwhelming quality-wise compared to other Halloweens.

[hafanforever]

It’s Good to Be Bad

I’ve described in previous analyses that I have a strong affinity for villains in fiction, including those by Disney. But like any fan of Disney, there are villains that I love and ones that I deeply detest with every bone in my body. So for my last analysis of the year, I will discuss my five most favorite and five least favorite Disney animated villains, though I also want to list a couple of other characters as honorable mentions to explain why I like or hate them.

The reasons I have for liking my favorite villains are simple, if not somewhat shallow, because I don’t exactly have deep reasons for liking them. Regardless of how evil, sadistic, cruel, and ruthless they are, I like them primarily because they are funny or charismatic. But it’s so much easier for me to list why I hate my least favorite villains, which is largely attributed the kinds of traits they display (most of which I cannot stand in people), their motives for being evil, and how they carry out their evil deeds while showing their evil natures.

This essay has turned into a longer one than I anticipated, so I am adding the “Keep reading” feature. Before I begin, I want to thank my dear buddy and soul sis @minervadeannabond for coming up with this title. Here is yet again another analysis of mine for you to enjoy, sis! 😁😄😉❤️

Most Favorites

Scar - Since The Lion King was the very first Disney film I ever saw in theaters as a child, and the first one I remember well from my childhood, many of my favorites Disney things come from it, including Scar being my #1 favorite Disney villain. Yes, he is a sadistic, tyrannical, narcissistic, cold-blooded murderer, but I think it is because of his cunning, smooth, elegant, charismatic nature and how pivotal he is to the story, particularly with how much he turns out to be a dark reflection of Simba, is why I love him so much. Furthermore, his song “Be Prepared” is my favorite villain song and among my favorite Disney songs of all, further showing how much The Lion King has given me Disney favorites since I was a child. 😁

Hades - Another one I remember well from my childhood, Hades is undoubtedly one of the funniest villains from the Disney animated canon. Although he is as cruel, evil, ruthless, and sadistic as any Disney villain, Hades is also so fast-talking, sleazy, sarcastic, cheeky, and hilarious that it makes it hard for me to take him seriously as a menacing villain. And while he constantly goes into fiery rages and blows his hot-headed top when furious, these help make Hades far more a comical, rather than scary, figure. Heck, when I was a kid, I always laughed, rather than got scared, whenever he unleashed one of his temper tantrums (except when he blows up at Meg with “I OWN YOU!!!”). And James Woods’s performance, especially since he ad-libbed many lines, helps make Hades such an unforgettable and memorable, if not lovable, character. So yeah, Hades’s wisecracking, talkative personality made him a memorable villain for me as a child, and I’ve loved him for it ever since. 😆😂

Ursula - Much like Hades, Ursula is sleazy, scheming, and cunning, yet wisecracking and comical at the same time. Besides her dry sense of humor, Ursula’s eccentricity, flamboyance, and elegance have always been the traits that drew me to her, and Pat Carrolll’s performance of the character is pure excellence. 😉

Maleficent - Despite being an incarnation of pure evil, including with her self-proclaimed title as The Mistress of All Evil, to me, Maleficent is by far the coolest, most badass Disney animated villain of all! 😆👍🏻 Yes, she curses Aurora with no true motive whatsoever, and she’s sadistic, ruthless, blasphemous, and murderous, but her display of her ill temper and dark magic just makes her totally awesome, most especially when she zaps her minions for their stupidity and incompetence upon learning they were only looking for a baby during their 16-year search for Aurora. 😁

Ratigan - Again, Disney has an evil, murderous, sadistic villain in Ratigan, but I love him because he is very collected, calculating, sophisticated, and charismatic, not to mention Vincent Price delivers such a great vocal performance as the character. 😉 What I also love about Ratigan is the moment when he undergoes what is known as a villainous breakdown, which is when a villain snaps and goes utterly crazy. During the film, Ratigan has some moments of losing his cool, but just as quickly manages to become calm and regain his composure. However, upon seeing Basil and Olivia escape from him inside Big Ben, along with Basil having having foiled his earlier scheme to kill the queen and take over England, Ratigan finally snaps, turning from a formal, sophisticated, composed rat to a highly feral, aggressive, savage one. It is the moment when Ratigan reveals the monster within and looks like a true rat, with an aggressive expression, hunched back, elongated claws, and running on all fours. The fact that Ratigan’s breakdown juxtaposes what kind of rat he was for the majority of the film is why his villainous breakdown is my favorite of any Disney villain.

Most Hated

Gaston - I have stated this before in “Bride and Prejudice”, but I pick Gaston as my #1 choice as my least favorite Disney animated villain. And it’s not just because of his extreme vanity, egotism, chauvinism, and arrogance, which are the very traits I hate in people, but because of his inferior, sexist, misogynistic views of women. Gaston is THE walking definition of toxic masculinity, the fictional example of the worst kind of man, the epitome of what men should NEVER be! 😡😡😡 He thinks men are the superior gender and that women are inferior to men, with their only purposes being to serve men and be their sex objects. And since I am a feminist who believes in gender equality, I dislike men who have low, sexist opinions of women, and Gaston fits the profile of what I think is the worst example of such a man. I could go on and on explaining just why I loathe this monster of a man with all my heart, but you can just read the aforementioned analysis to find out more.

Lady Tremaine - If it weren’t for Gaston being my #1 pick because of his extreme sexism and misogyny, I would pick Lady Tremaine. She comes such a close second because her motivations for abusing, oppressing, and being so cruel to Cinderella are petty and stupid, ESPECIALLY because Cinderella never even did anything to deserve such treatment from her in the first place! 😠😡 Lady Tremaine hates Cinderella and is very jealous of her purely because Cinderella so much better-looking and kinder than her own daughters and herself. So they abuse her and make her their servant to make her miserable and unattractive so that they can look better than her instead. Additionally, Lady Tremaine has a deep-rooted obsession to be above Cinderella at all costs that she resorts to lying, manipulation, trickery, and cheating in order to stay above. I particularly loathe it when she manipulates her daughters into tearing up Cinderella’s dress just so that she can appear fair and keep her word regarding her side of the bargain (she says ”if you can find something suitable to wear”, and once it’s wrecked, it’s no longer suitable) while simultaneously making sure she doesn’t have to keep her promise since she never wants Cinderella to go in the first place. All that being said, do these sound like justifiable excuses for hating a completely innocent woman? I DON’T THINK SO!!! 😡😡😡

Claude Frollo - Now if weren’t for BOTH Gaston and Lady Tremaine coming first, Claude Frollo would come on top as well! 😡😡😡 Frollo is without a doubt in my mind the most evil villain in the Disney animated canon. Unlike most Disney villains, he is COMPLETELY devoid of any likable or redeemable traits, making me have nothing but feelings of pure hatred for him. Ruthless, cruel, blasphemous, racist, and evil to his core, Frollo holds a deep-seated hatred for the gypsies and seeks to eradicate them from Paris, making him not only murderous, but genocidal, especially since he seeks to kill them simply out of his own racism, supremacy, and superiority. Throughout the years in his quest to eliminate the gypsies, Frollo murders Quasimodo’s mother by violently kicking her, causing her to fall and hit her head on the stone steps of Notre Dame, then tries to burn Esmeralda at the stake, declaring that she must be killed because she has been practicing witchcraft. After killing the mother, Frollo even attempts to drown baby Quasimodo simply because of his deformity. What makes Frollo even more evil besides doing his deeds is that he is a judge with control over the city, yet he proves himself to be corrupt and hypocritical by violating the laws to accomplish his dark, sinister deeds. Perhaps what makes Frollo the most evil villain of all is that he is in complete denial about how evil he really is. He has a delusional belief that he is a good, religious man doing God’s work by trying to purge the world of evil, when all he really does is twist his “faith” and hypocritically use it for his own evil purposes. What’s worse is that Frollo never once takes an ounce of responsibility for his crimes; he makes excuses to justify his actions, painting himself as guiltless and his victims as the only ones at fault. So with Frollo being such a blasphemous, hypocritical, racist, genocidal, murderous, corrupt judge who never believes he is doing anything wrong and always lays blame on the victims of his misdeeds, I can’t say there is a single thing about him that I like, and I’m happy he met his death in a fiery blaze! 😡🔥

Mother Gothel - A character I see as being an amalgam of Gaston, Lady Tremaine, and Frollo, the reasons why I hate all three of these villains are also found in Gothel: vanity, narcissism, oppression, mental abuse, trickery, manipulation, dishonesty, hypocrisy, and flat-out cruelty. First of all, Gothel’s vanity, narcissism, and obsession with her own beauty makes her extremely insufferable and annoying, not to mention the fact that she hoarded the flower to herself for hundreds of years just to stay alive shows how incredibly selfish and possessive she is. And due to her selfishness, she kidnaps Rapunzel, hides her in a tower, lies to her about the outside world, and continually mentally abuses, manipulates, oppresses, mocks, and belittles her just to ensure that Rapunzel will never leave the tower and the flower’s magic in her hair will keep her (Gothel) alive and young forever. On par with her narcissism, Gothel is shown to be a very spoiled, childish, immature woman who seeks to always have things her way and throws tantrums or other emotional outbursts when she doesn’t get her way or what she wants, especially the very moment she wants it. Furthermore, Gothel possesses a martyr, or victim, complex, which is shown perfectly when victimizes herself and places all the blame on Rapunzel whenever any sort of conflict befalls their lives and relationship, especially when they argue. So with all these flaws in mind, like Gaston, Lady Tremaine, and Frollo, I can’t find any good reason to like Gothel at all. “Mother Knows Best”? More like “Gothel Knows Worst”! 😠😡 

Governor Ratcliffe - I said above that I hate Gaston because of his bigoted, low views of women, and prejudice is the main reason why I hate Governor Ratcliffe. However, his prejudice is in the form of racism, the kind of bigotry that I hate the most. Ratcliffe displays this attitude towards the Native Americans, considering them savages and seeing himself as better than them all because of his race, which makes him a white supremacist. Besides his supremacy and superiority regarding his race, Ratcliffe is intensely greedy and selfish since he wants to keep any riches found for himself and believes that the Virginia land and anything he finds on it is his for the taking. In relation to his bigotry, he is also quite delusional and self-righteous, which makes him believe that any theory he has is right and he refuses to believe otherwise or listen to reason. For example, Ratcliffe dismisses Wiggins’ correct assumptions on why the Indians attacked the settlers and John’s claim that there is no gold in the lands after Pocahontas tells him this. The hatred I hold for Ratcliffe is significantly less than the other four listed here, but the reasons I gave are virtually like those I gave for Frollo, so I’m confident with Ratcliffe and his place on my list.

Bonus Mentions

Hans - Hans is a villain that I place in the middle between my most loved and most hated villains, because I love him for WHAT he is as a villain while I simultaneously hate him for WHO he is as a character. I have said it to friends and some of my other analyses before, but one of the reasons why I love Frozen is because it took many of the traditional fairy tale elements and tropes used in their preceding films, and turned them upside down. So rather than having another prince as the heroic male lead in this film, Frozen twisted that trope around by making him the villain instead. And when Hans finally reveals his true nature, you realize that he has fooled not only Anna and the other characters who interacted with him, but first-time viewers as well! So while I love Hans for being a villain who keeps his true nature under wraps for the majority of the film and almost gets away with his crimes because of it, I also hate him because of how cold, cruel, callous, ruthless, and sadistic he really is. When he reveals his true nature and explains his plan to Anna, he mocks her intelligence, naïveté, and desperation for love while explaining just how easy it was for him to deceive and manipulate her into being a pawn in his plan to take over Arendelle. Throughout the whole scene, Hans smiles wickedly and sadistically, clearly showing the delight he is getting from tormenting Anna and watching her suffer while he explains his scheme and extinguishes all light sources to accelerate her death. It’s also easy to see his sadism when he announces his plan to murder Elsa, and that he will get even greater joy out of carrying out the act itself (which we see when Hans smiles widely while swinging his sword over Elsa’s head as he tries to kill her on the fjord).

Chi-Fu - While he is not a true villain, and not even evil at all, Chi-Fu is a very detestable character, one whose guts I hate completely because he has the same traits that make me hate Gaston: arrogance, conceit, egotism, bigotry, superiority, and misogyny. Prejudice against women is a main theme in Mulan, and Chi-Fu is the one man whose prejudiced opinions never change. While Shang and Mulan’s fellow soldiers initially hold views that women are beneath men, they learn to change them after Mulan proves herself a capable warrior in the army (even after her disguise is revealed), most especially when she helps save China from Shan Yu’s reign of terror. Despite the majority of his bigotry being aimed at women, Chi-Fu is also detestable because he shows it towards nearly everyone else, except the Emperor. As the second-in-command to the Emperor, Chi-Fu sees himself superior to almost everyone else around him, which enhances his pompous, elitist, arrogant attitude. Because of all these antagonistic traits, I loathe Chi-Fu while I don’t hate Shan Yu at all, even though the latter is truly pure evil and genocidal! 😠😡 It just goes to show that some people who are neither necessarily good nor bad can be even more contemptible that the most malevolent, murderous people.

[mangolover]

Creature of The Dark part 3 (Theodorus van Gogh x reader)

Find part one here

Find part two here

Title: Creature of The Dark (part 3)

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire / Ikevamp / Ikevam

Pairing: Theodorus van Gogh x gn! reader, Vincent van Gogh x gn! reader (platonic)

Genre: Angst, comfort

Warnings: nightmares, not eating properly, mentions of losing job, mentions of being homeless, argument, dark thoughts, mentions of a unhealthy relationship (lack of comunication), depression(?), swearing, shouting, breaking glass, breaking porcelain, humilation, betrayal, snow, mentions of time

Spoilers: Theo’s route

Word Count: 2600+ (six pages...)

Description: He broke yet another promise and you cut ties with the whole mansion, trying to live on your own in city. Losing your job and getting kicked out, you didn’t know where else to go but to the art gallery.

Part 2: Going to the gallery was a bad idea and you become aware of that after the same mistakes got repeated and sparked an argument. Now you are sitting on a bench in the park, feeling hopeless until a faimilliar figure comes to your aid.

Part 3: You secretly came back to the mansion with the help of the Vincent, and as much as he helped you, it all came crashing down when you were discovered by Theodorus. Now all that’s left is to finally find the shadow in the darkness.

This has some first person perspective, but it’s mostly 2nd perspective.

Dark thoughts are going to be present throughout whole series, so proceed with caution.

Only nightmares are explored a bit deeper, everything else is pretty much just mentioned, but if anything is triggering to you, please skip this one.

Also, when somthing is writen like this ('example'), it's from the suitor's point of view or their thoughts, not reader's.

I am making this in multiple parts, temptation won this time.

Enjoy!

Pointing to the place on bench next to you, he asks “may I sit here?“ And you just nod while scooping away, wanting to give him as much space as possible. “Thank you, Y/n!”

Vincent was always a reliable friend and a sense of comfort would wash over you whenever you saw his angelic smile. He and Theo were like hell and heaven, polar opposites. However, you were glad to have someone like Vincent to call your friend. ‘Or is he your friend anymore?’

“How have you been?” you looked up at Vincent who was staring I front of him, his hands placed on his lap and you mirrored his actions, straightening your posture and averting your gaze before answering.

“I’ve been good. I found a job and a place to stay. But I think it’s time to go back to my own time” you tried to sound as casual as possible, hoping you hid your emotions well, just like Theo always did.

“And how are you doing now?” but Vincent could see through a mask even as good as Theo’s.

“I…” you considered your next words, “I could be doing better. Some obstacles came along the way, but don’t worry! It’ll be better soon!” you turned towards him and gave him a strained smile, not knowing who you are trying to fool exactly. You were lying to both of you, but that was for the best.

Vincent turned to look at you with a worried expression. He was suspicious because you stayed there last night and now you didn’t even go ‘home’. “How about we go pick something to eat? For old time’s sake.”

You were about to refuse before Vincent gave you a dazzling smile and extended his hand out to you, “I’m not taking no for an answer, Y/n.” That was the end of the story as you took his hand and Vincent took you to get something to eat in a nearby café that was surprisingly still open.

Once you were seated and ordered your food and drink of choice, after Vincent insisted it was his treat, you fell into a somewhat comfortable silence. There was still tension in the air, no doubt, but it was better than when you were with Theo.

“I’m sorry for leaving without a proper explanation to all of you except Comte” you broke the silence with a voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s alright” to your surprise Vincent didn’t sound mad, his voice and face were full of understanding. “We were worried when even Comte couldn’t find you but considering how Theo was acting when you left and today’s situation, I understand.”

You let a smile grace your features, “thank you Vincent.”

“But please, don’t disappear on us again. The mansion is not the same without you” he looked sincerely sad. “Do you have a place to stay the night?” his voice was low and warm.

“O-of course! I told you I found a place to stay” you are sure your stutter sold you out.

Vincent didn’t even need to say anything, he just gave you a stern look and you lowered the gaze, embarrassment painting your face. “I don’t…”

“You can always come back to the mansion; I’m sure Comte would understand.”

“That is not an option. I left and cut contact with everyone” you let out a sigh. “Why do you even want to have anything with me?” Vincent looked at you in surprise. (‘Just how much have you suffered this 4 months Y/n?’)

“Because you are my friend. And we all care about you.” His reasoning was simple, but you couldn’t understand it. ‘Just why?’

“I don’t think going back to the mansion is a good idea” Vincent was ready to hear you out, always a shoulder to lean on. “Arthur will be there and he might be upset with me because Theo is his best friend. And I left Sebastian when he needed me the most. Isaac just started opening up to me and then I left. And Mozart will be annoyed by all the commotion.” You dreaded to tell who you feared to see the most, “and Theo will be there and I doubt it’s a good idea for us to see each other again.”

Vincent went quiet for a moment before speaking again, seemingly trying to work out the best solution. “The door doesn’t open for at least two more weeks. And I can’t let you sleep outside, so how about for at least tonight stay in the mansion?”

You felt uneasiness even if you knew Vincent just wanted the best for you. “I could sneak you in and you can stay in my room so others won’t notice you.”

Even if he knew that explaining why he was sneaking someone into his room last night was going to be tough and that he’s going to have to lie, he was ready to do anything for you.

“Do you promise I am not bothering?” you wanted to make sure he is one hundred precent sure about what he’s offering. Vincent nodded firmly just as your food came to your table and you both dug in, for once in so long you didn’t feel so alone.

Once you were both done eating and Vincent settled the bill, you made your way outside. Snow started falling outside and both you and Vincent enjoyed the view of the first now of a year for a bit. The snowflakes danced around the sky and landed everywhere, one of them landed on the tip of your nose which made Vincent laugh.

To him you looked like an ethereal angel in that moment. He understood why Theo had fallen for you, but to him you will never be more than a friend or a sister that he so desperately wants to protect from this cruel world, no matter the price.

Eventually, you fetched a carriage and started to make your way deep into the woods where Comte’s residence stood tall and hidden from the eyes of common folk. The long ride continued into the night, to which you were grateful as it gave you a bit more of a cover. Now all you needed was to be sneaky and you could go unspotted. Vincent draped his coat over your shoulders to conceal you even more. Wrapping his hand around your wrist, he guided you into the mansion and into his room, checking that the path was always clear of any other residents.

Everything was going smoothly until he opened the door of his room and saw Arthur down the hall, quickly he pushed you into the room and shut the door behind you signaling you to keep quiet and all you two could hear was a whistle and a quiet chuckle as Arthur’s footsteps faded away.

“That was close” Vincent let out a breath he had been holding before smiling at you.

“I’m sorry Vincent,” you were feeling embarrassed and guilty, “knowing Arthur, everyone will know you sneaked someone in the next morning and Theo will not let you off the hook so easily.”

Vincent gazed at you for a bit before bopping the tip of your nose and letting out a giggle. “I told you it was alright, now go get settled for the sofa. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“You can’t be serious Vincent. I was ready to sleep outside on a bench, even the floor is perfectly fine for me.”

In the end, you two agreed that he can sleep on the floor, but he gets the blanket and the pillow from the sofa. He turned out the lights and you stared through the big window in his room. The moon cast its light and illuminated everything. ‘Maybe this was why Vincent became a painter? So he could etch the images like this onto the canvas, marking them for all eternity.’ Sleep won’t be coming to you anytime soon, but you just hoped nightmares won’t chase you once again.

However, your hope was all in vain.

Nightmares of losing Theo to L’Académie. Him yelling at you while you are shaking in the corner, his fangs out making him look like a monster. Each time you opened your eyes from one nightmare, another one came as soon as you closed them again. The last one was everyone you knew, even your own self laughing at you as you were freezing, telling you it’s your fault for burning bridges and trying to act like you’ve got it all together. You woke up with tears in your eyes and you gasped as you woke up, you started hyperventilating and it must’ve woken up Vincent because he was crouching next to you in a flash, one hand holding yours and other on your back, rubbing in soothing motion.

“That’s right, just deep breaths Y/n, it was just a nightmare” he probably had experience when Theo had nightmares when they were kids. “I’m here okay, just relax.” Your breathing got regular in a few minutes before you flung your arms around Vincent and sobbed in his shoulder. He only pulled you closer in his embrace and let you cry it out. You were under a lot of stress and it was normal for you to break at one point. At least he was there to be your rock.

“Do you want me to go get you something?” he asked you in a soft voice once you got a hold of yourself.

“No, thank you, I don’t need anything.” You smiled at his kindness. “Thank you for helping me calm down.”

“Always Y/n, that’s what friends are for” the warmest smile was on his lips.

“Could…” you were embarrassed to ask him, but maybe that would help you finally get some peaceful sleep. “could you sleep with me on the sofa? You don’t need to if you’re uncomfortable, you’ve already done so much-“

“Scoot over” he picked up the blanket and the pillow. Covering you with the blanket, he wrapped his arm around you and leaned into your back. “Sweet dreams, Y/n.”

“Thank you, Vincent, sleep well!”

This time you had a dreamless sleep, but you were grateful Vincent made sure you were comfortable, even if it’s only for one night. Now the pressing question was, what to do in the morning? It will be harder to leave and what if Arthur recognized you? He was extremely smart individual. You let out a sigh as you woke up when the sun has already started climbing the sky. ‘Damn it! I missed my chance to slip unnoticed!’ But what to do now? You hoped Vincent had any idea, but he wasn’t here?

If anyone walks in, you are doomed. Even worse if they see you laying on his sofa. You were Theo’s old lover, not his brother’s. As you stood in the middle of the room panicking, regretting every choice that got you to this point, the door started opening and you froze on the spot. ‘Come on God, kill me now so I don’t have to suffer any longer.’ However, to your surprise it was just Vincent, bringing you breakfast.

“You startled me” you let yourself relax a bit when Vincent closed the door behind him.

“Arthur asked about ‘the mysterious person that went into my room last night’.” Oh no… “I asked him not to tell anyone and that nothing happened.” Knowing Arthur, Theo already knows and is just trying to process everything.

“I-“

“Don’t even think about apologizing. It’s okay” it’s like he read your mind. “I also asked Comte about the door and about you.” He handed you the breakfast and you gladly accepted it.

“He told me that if any of us has seen you, we can bring you back to the mansion if you ever need anything. Our home is always going to be your home too.” You carefully mulled over Comte’s alleged words in your mind. Still, there were 9 more vampires who probably didn’t want anything to do with you. “I haven’t seen Theo, though.”

Once again you felt like you hit a dead end. Only this time, there was a wall behind you and you had nowhere to go. Whatever you choose, it’s not going to end well. But you know you are going to have to confront either the residents or Theo once he barges into Vincent’s room.

Maybe it’s better if you go and thank Comte before leaving, new day’s a new chance after all, right?

“Could we go see Comte?” you were ready for rejection, but to your surprise Vincent beamed with happiness. (‘That’s it Y/n, baby steps.’) “I want to thank him for everything and apologize for coming unannounced.”

“Sure, but first finish your breakfast” he sat down on the sofa, looking relaxed as ever. “You need to regain your strength.”

You wanted to answer, but your mouth was full and you didn’t want to accidentally spit some food onto the angelic painter that got you this far. Vincent laughed as you struggled to swallow and reply.

“You are going to choke if you don’t eat it properly!” Vincent scolded you.

“Sor-“ however you were cut off by door slamming open and Theo and Arthur barging in.

You jumped out of surprise, the plate in your hands fell out of your hands, porcelain shattering into million pieces, just like your heart. The color was drained out of your face as if you saw a ghost. A lump came to your throat and restricted your breathing, your heart threatening to jump out of your chest, a cold sweat coated your body.

Vincent jumped as well, a deeply rooted panic only getting worse when he realized just who has come unannounced. His younger boer and his author friend. The same shock could be seen on Theo’s face, eyes darting between you and Vincent. What is he thinking? ‘Does he think me and Vincent slept together? Or worse, does he feel betrayed? And what about Arthur? Vincent can hold Theo off, but I have no chance against the two of them.’

Even if the old clock kept on tickling, the precious time getting lost like sand in wind, it seemed as if everything stopped. No one moved a muscle anymore. Breathing stopped. Even Arthur was speechless, his emotions finally out in the open, he seemed confused, almost hurt. ‘But that’s just your mind playing tricks on you, right Y/n?’

Theo finally broke the trance and Vincent instinctively took a step back towards you, trying to shield you from their eyes.

“What?” is all Theo muttered, however. It seemed like he wasn’t even mad, just utterly confused, betrayed. “What’s the meaning of this? Boer what is Y/n doing in your room?!” He raised his voice and you flinched. But neither you nor Vincent found the voice to explain just what’s happening. Letting out a sigh and casting his glance down, Theo walked away, his pace fast, his strides long and his nails cutting into his palms. The commotion brought Leonardo and Sebastian to Vincent’s room and you felt like you might pass out. Your worst nightmares came to life and now Vincent needs to pay the price as well.

One casted glance from Vincent over his shoulder was however all you needed to find the strength and courage to run past the stunned vampires and the butler, following into the direction Theo went.

You don’t have a plan; you almost never did. However, all you know is that Theo needs to understand and that silence won’t bring you two anywhere. You followed him out of the mansion and into the woods.

There are shadows in the dark, you finally remember that and you are ready to show that to your lover as well, it’s now or never.

[twistedtummies2]

The Price May Be Right - Number 5

Welcome to “The Price May Be Right!” I’ve been counting down My Top 31 Favorite Vincent Price Performances & Appearances! The countdown will cover movies, TV productions, and many more forms of media. We’ve reached the Top 5 for the countdown! Today we focus on Number 5: Mr. Trumbull, from Comedy of Terrors.

There’s a difference between your favorite performance for an actor and your favorite actor’s movie. To give you a better understanding of what I mean by this, here’s an example: my favorite Ian McKellen performance/character is Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings. However, my favorite Ian McKellen movie – meaning a film in which McKellen is really the driving character of the story – would be either the televised version of The Scottish Play in which he starred, or the theatrically-released film “Gods and Monsters.” I say this because my fifth and fourth place picks for this countdown are my two favorite Vincent Price movies…but, as you can guess from the fact there are three roles above them, they are not necessarily my favorite Vincent Price characters or performances. The first of those two films to cover is one of my all-time favorite comedy movies, “Comedy of Terrors,” from 1963. This movie was made by AIP, the same company behind the Corman-Poe Cycle of films. In fact, it was made at the same time a couple of those movies were being constructed. Indeed, with its aesthetic and tone, it almost feels like one of those movies, barring the complete lack of connection to Edgar Allan Poe (not that it would stop anyone from advertising “Witchfinder General” as a Poe movie later, but that’s another story). Much like “The Raven,” the movie is a horror homage and spoof, only “Terrors” is actually much darker and more adult in tone than “The Raven” was. It also features a lot of the same cast: Vincent is here, of course, along with Peter Lorre and Boris Karloff. They are joined by Basil Rathbone as a little extra tricky treat. The plot focuses on Price and Lorre’s characters: Mr. Waldo Trumbull, the perpetually drunk and thoroughly crooked head of an undertaking business, and his blundering henchman, an inept coffinmaker and former bank robber called Mr. Felix Gillie. Trumbull is a totally awful so-and-so: he is verbally abusive to his (admittedly rather henpecking) wife, constantly schemes to poison his father-in-law for seemingly no other reason than the old man annoys him, and spends almost everything the business earns on drink. (For the record, the father-in-law is played by Karloff.) Every year, in order to pay the rent they owe their landlord, Trumbull and Gillie ride out to some rich old person who lives in or around their city. Gillie helps Trumbull break into the house, and upon entry, Trumbull suffocates the one in charge of the home with a pillow, and makes it seem like they died of natural causes. This allows them to get enough money to pay off the annual rent. One year, when one of these wicked schemes goes awry, thus putting them in danger of eviction, the pair decide to go after their landlord – Mr. Black, played by Rathbone – but what seems like the perfect crime soon turns into a wild nightmare for all parties involved. While the film has a lot of dark moments and themes, it is COMPLETELY played up for laughs, and every single actor delivers perhaps one of the finest performances of their career. Vincent and Lorre, however, are easily at their finest here. This may actually be my favorite of Lorre’s performances, in particular, which is saying quite a lot, and it’s easily one of my favorites for Vincent. Although Mr. Trumbull is a completely horrible and appalling creature, Price somehow manages to make him humorous and enjoyable. There’s such a fine string of irony to the character, as he is easily the most awful person in the story, yet he seems to be totally unaware of just how bad he, himself, is. For example, in one scene, Trumbull discovers that the widow of his most recent victim – now a client of his – has run away to America without paying anything for her husband’s funeral, absconding with all of the family fortune. Realizing he’s been swindled, he looks heavenward and mournfully intones, “Is there no morality left in this world?” I think that sums up the character better than anything else I could say. Honestly, I’d love to see this movie turned into a stage play, sometime. It feels like it could possibly make a great one…but finding a team to match, or even come close, to the chemistry between Price and Lorre, and the charm each actor has, would be next to impossible. We are getting closer to the end, comrades. Tomorrow, the countdown continues with Number 4!

[tundrainafrica]

I need to take this out of my lungs, HANGE AND LEVI AS MIA WALLACE AND VINCENT VEGA FROM PULP FICTION oof 💖💖

Title: No Foot Massages

Summary:  

'You’re taking care of a married woman, Levi. No foot massages'

"Romance was something that came slowly, a mysterious thing he never dared to test without putting the time and effort. Yet at the same time, he was aware that the smallest things could constitute cheating or ‘stealing’ with the right context and the most convenient explanations.

So Levi decided to keep it simple. Keep it distant. Keep it casual. Keep it fun."

Levi is ordered to take care of a married Hange for a weekend.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Note: 

That movie was just... a roller coaster ride really. 

This ended up a quick fic I wrote in between some meeting we were forced to attend outside office hours. 

You might be disappointed by the lack of sex and drugs compared to the actual movie. But I'm leaving my adult content for another one shot ;)

“A new mission?”

Erwin nodded and rested his chin on his hands. “Looks like our boss is gonna be gone for the weekend, on a trip to the Middle East and he’s leaving his wife alone in the house. You think you can handle taking care of her?”

Levi raised one eyebrow. “He has a wife? What’s her name?”

“Hange Zoe.”

“How did they meet?”

Erwin shrugged. “How else do rich people meet their wives?”

“They pick the prettiest woman around right?” Because they can. Levi added to himself. Somehow though, a name had so easily accompanied the face. And she wasn’t at all what people would have concluded to be ‘the prettiest woman around.’

Erwin narrowed his eyes at Levi. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“What am I thinking? I just thought she wouldn’t be the prettiest woman around. Not enough to attract the richest person within the walls right?”

“But why are you making that face?”

“What face?”

“The face of intention…” Erwin gave him a knowing look.

A face of intention? Even before Levi though could figure out how exactly he had looked to Erwin, the latter continued speaking.

“Do you know what happens when someone lays a hand on Marsellus’ wife? Do you remember what happened to Moblit?” Erwin asked.

Moblit? It had been a while since Levi heard that name, or has seen him walking through the hallways in between meetings.

“Well, our big boss sent some of his men after him. They broke into his apartment and pushed him out the window. ”

That was enough explanation at least for Levi to remember… Moblit was dead. “For what?”

“On account of one Hange Zoe.”

“What did he do? Fuck her?”

“He gave her a foot massage.”

“A foot massage?”

Erwin nodded his head.

“But… what if her feet just hurt?” Levi asked.

“It’s laying hands on his wife that’s the problem.”

“He gave her a foot massage. Foot massages are nothing.”

“By laying hands I mean, laying hands in a familiar way. It’s not the same as fucking her or eating her out but I’m sure you can agree that they’re in the same field right?”

Levi though, was still very much new to the nuances of romance. The world had only recently opened up to him and he was still very much unfamiliar with the cultures outside his own small country. He wrinkled his nose and sighed. Let’s keep it simple. “Okay, so I just have to take her out, keep her happy for just one weekend,” he asked. “And no foot massages right?”

“You’re taking care of a married woman, Levi. No foot massages”

“That’s easy enough,” Levi said. He turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

Romance was something that came slowly, a mysterious thing he never dared to test without putting the time and effort. Yet at the same time, he was aware that the smallest things could constitute cheating or ‘stealing’ with the right context and the most convenient explanations.

So Levi kept it simple. Keep it distance. Keep it casual. Keep it fun.

Erwin’s last three words, he kept like a mantra, a little guideline Levi allowed himself as he approached their mansion.

No foot massages.

*****

“Oh, so you’re captain Levi?”

“You can call me Levi.” We don’t use terms like captain in my job. Levi said silently. But he didn’t mind such a term. The way it had rolled off her tongue had been a little too seamless to have been worth a verbal correction.

Hange settled on the sofa in front of him. The sofa could have fit three people but Hange managed to occupy three people’s worth of space with the way she stretched her legs so messily and if Levi angled his view a little lower, he might have seen something which could have had him thrashed like Moblit.

“Levi huh? Well, given my husband’s position. I guess that makes me your boss too right?” Hange asked.

I only answer to Erwin, and by extension, your husband. That at least had been what was taught to him since he started his job. But somehow, he felt more inclined to listen to Hange first.

“You have anywhere in mind you want to go?”

Hange hummed. “My husband keeps me really busy… so it has been a while since I got to go out like this. To be honest though, I don’t know much about the town. Do you have anything in mind?”

“There’s a new diner in town… Niccolo’s been cooking for Sasha a lot lately so I heard they’ve been offering more in the menu lately.”

Hange grinned. “Then let’s go?”

*****

“What do you think?” Levi asked as they settled into one of the booths in the corner of the restaurant.

Hange didn’t reply. Her face was completely hidden by the menu in front of her. And all Levi did get in return for his consideration were a few hums of approval.

“Your husband is paying. Get whatever you want.”

“Well, I heard Niccolo makes a great milkshake. And Sasha said the seafood from Marley is particularly delicious… So what about lobster?”

“Then we order two lobsters and two milkshakes.” Levi looked at his own menu. The numbers came in two digits, sometimes three.. Something Levi had never gotten used to having grown up in the underground and he found himself having to grip the menu a little harder to stop himself from dropping it. “Wait, you’re willing to pay this much for a milkshake? And Hange… The price of lobster?”

“Why? What’s wrong? These are pretty reasonable prices. It’s not like we can actually get these locally.”

But is your husband willing to pay for the lobster and the milkshake of his own employee? Levi felt the panic well inside him. At the same time, he was still conscious enough to know that such a monster like panic manifested in wide eyes and a sweaty brow. And for once, Levi found himself thanking the lord for that awkward height difference. Made it all the easier to put the menu in front of him.

“My husband told you right? You take me out to do whatever I want this weekend. And I want my lobster and I want my milkshake.”

*****

“We just ate. And you wanna dance?”

Hange only had to look at the stage to answer that question. She had that longing look in her eye, and when she looked back at him, it morphed into something, an expression Levi could have sworn he had only ever seen in dogs. “Levi… You know, I never get to leave the house. Especially when my husband’s home.”

Hange didn’t need the explanation though. Levi had already given in when she had given him that look and we had allowed himself that extra few seconds to stare a little longer. But even before he could give a nod of submission, Hange’s face brightened. She quickly stood up and pulled him along all the way to the top of the stage.

Levi focused on the blinding lights above him. Undoubtedly, it hurt. But for someone who never did get used to having at least fifty people watching him, it was still a better view.

“What a lovely couple we have here!” Niccolo of all people was at the center of the stage microphone in hand. With his free hand he pulled Hange to the front. “Could you introduce yourself and your partner here?”

“Hange Zoe here,” Hange said, with the widest grin on her face.

The crowd exploded into murmurs and among them Levi heard something about a ‘big boss’ and a ‘wife.’

Hey shitty four eyes, you’re gonna have me killed. Levi had reached out his leg half way, ready to kick her in the shin when Hange spoke up again.

“No, Levi here is not my partner. He’s just taking care of me for the weekend.”

There were ‘awws’ of disappointment among the audience and maybe a few heckles. Before Levi even gave in to that bout of self consciousness, looking back at the stairs behind him, Hange had pulled him to the middle of the dance floor. “Come on! Let’s win this.”

The heckles eventually transformed into cheers but Levi had to shake his hips for a few seconds or even a minute longer than he wanted too just to placate that hungry crowd.

He couldn’t dance for sure. He didn’t have the coordination to move everything at once. At that moment, the only thing he did feel was his hips, he jutted out with a few arm movements to add some color at least. That seemingly ridiculous movement though did nothing to erase the nervousness and the tension he felt then.

He looked up at Hange. She was smiling, much more confidently. And a few times she closed her eyes and swayed her head to the music. And she was closer, closer than Levi would have liked. He pulled away, keeping the swaying of his hips and the waving of his arms in check and as he did get a wider view of her, a head to toe view, he became a little more nervous and a little more self conscious.

He was a horrible dancer. He felt it in the way, his body could only move in sharp movements. And he had imagined how he looked to the crowd, a constant mixture of cheers and murmurs. And maybe a few laughs.

But that was the thing. With a limited view of Hange, he could just rely on his imagination to give him a merciful picture of how he looked. But when he stepped back, Hange became a top to bottom picture, a moving picture, her movements too sharp and a little too stiff. With her as reference, Levi became a little more conscious of how the hell he looked at that moment.

Am I that stiff? Levi thought to himself. In reply, his joints creaked to the unnatural movements, his arms shot up and he waved them like he was waving some sort of sword. And his movements although swift, were sharp, they jutted in directions a little too mechanical to have been considered a dance.

And Hange who had closed her eyes, and shaken her head and all directions within a few seconds, who had shot her hands up in the same way, moving her hands and her chest one direction and another, looked fucking ridiculous too.

Levi considered closing his eyes for a second, to at least get into the rhythm and maybe forget the audience behind him, but Hange, with her eyes closed in front of him, looked all the more ridiculous having chosen to forget everything around her.

I could close my eyes and forget... And for a while, as Levi did stare at Hange, he considered following suit.

Levi found an alternative though, an alternative that was so much better in the moment that Levi didn’t even bother weighing or comparing it to anything else. He jumped for that alternative a little too hastily. He rushed towards her, until all he saw in his vision was her face, then when all he saw was her eyes right in front of his.

She opened her brown velvety eyes and for a second, they were the only things he was seeing. But the view had only lasted a second. Too little time to count the colors in her eyes and too little time to admire her lashes and how beautifully they all formed such a unique shape between almond and round.

“Levi what the--”

And even before he could start admiring such a view, he felt a blinding pain, smack on his face.

“What the f---”

The whole word had been against him then, not even allowing him a single taut curse at such a cruel turn of events. They were at the edge of the stage and it turned out they had been for a long while.

And they were fucking idiots. Or so, that was what Levi realized, they were idiots enough that they had only noticed it themselves that they had been going in too many directions at once, only when they found himself tumbling down the stairs.

And Levi did only have a second to process that part, before the world had gone black.

*****

“You won’t tell him right? He’ll kill me.”

“Believe me, he’ll kill me too.”

“So how are you going to explain that,” Levi asked, gesturing a little too subtly at Hange’s swollen ankle propped on the coffee table in front of her.

“Well, how are you gonna explain that…” Hange asked, gesturing at him in general.

Levi didn’t have to look at the mirror to know what she was talking about. His skin was taut and he felt a dull pain spread out across his nose, he was sure at the best case scenario his nose and his cheeks were bruised. But that was the least of his problems then, he wasn’t sure if he’d still be alive and worrying about a possibly broken nose by the end of that week.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t care too much of a minion is bruised up. The more important thing is his wife doesn’t come out of this worse off.” Levi got up and went to the kitchen. “You’re going to have to wrap that.”

Levi’s penchant for cleanliness and orderliness had made it a little too easy for him to deduce where the first aid supplies would be hidden in such a high end house and Levi found himself back in the living room a second later, bandages in hand. He dropped it on the coffee table next to her.

“Here,” he said. He sat in front of her, leaning one elbow on his knee, propping his chin on his elbow.

Hange only returned his look, with an expectant one of her own.

“What?”

“Well…” Hange stretched out. “It would be a little awkward if I tried to bind my own ankle right? What if I fall off the couch?”

No foot massages. Erwin’s words echoed in Levi’s mind as he stared at the swollen foot in front of him for a little longer than what would have been normal.

And Hange noticed. “You don’t know how?”

“I know how to bind a sprained ankle.”

“Then why don’t you?”

No Foot Massages. Their words loomed on him like a ghost and as Levi gripped the roll of bandages, unravelling them slowly, he started to realize, there was no way of wrapping bandages on a sprained ankle, without caressing, without gripping at her injured foot and without pressing at a few areas as he tightened the bandage and got rid of the few pockets of air.

But I had to do this right? He can’t kill me for giving her the care she needs...

But just in case, he did make sure to confirm with her. “This doesn’t count as a foot massage right?”

*****

That weekend passed by in blur. Or maybe because he didn’t want it to end. And the world had proved multiple times already that it was constantly on a mission to fuck him over.

Saturday and Sunday were peaceful, too peaceful that it shouldn’t have gone too fast. Then, with nothing much to do but nurse his broken nose, keep Hange company, and nurse her through the first few 24 hours of dealing with a swollen ankle

And with nothing else to stimulate his mind or his senses but the brunette next to him on the sofa, Levi started to notice something a little more glaring.

“You haven’t showered since I came here.”

“Okay, thank you for that statement,” Hange said, not even looking up from the book she was reading.

“That’s not a statement. That’s a light suggestion.”

“Okay, I can ignore the suggestion.”

“It’s a request.”

“Well requests can be rejected right?”

“I would appreciate it if you explain why you’re rejecting that request.”

Hange gave her bandaged ankle a long stare, looked back at Levi then back at her book.

“Then I’ll help you to the bathroom.”

“No. I’m at a good part.”

“Well, I can’t stand you stinking up the house either.”

“This is my house. I can let it stink how much I want!”

Pulling her out of the couch had been a blur of an ordeal. He felt like he had done it many times before so even with the flailing of arms, the screams and despite all that, the great care he had to take with her sprained ankle, he had managed to forget it all as he sat outside her bedroom, letting the sound of the running water calm him down.

“You okay in there?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Her words were garbled, cracked between syllables and Levi found himself peeking in, just to check if she had been okay.

“Hey…”

A mop of hair should have been visible, even with the steam that blanketed the bathroom. Alarmingly, there had been nothing there.

“Hange, are you there? Hey, don’t die on me fucker.”

“I’m fine… Levi… I’m just tired.” Hange said, between bubbles and short breaths.

“I’m not leaving this room.”

“Then don’t leave,” Hange said, as she sat up a little straighter on the bathtub. And that was when Levi saw it, the hesitation, the recoil. He heard it soon after, the creak then the whimper.

“Tired isn’t supposed to be painful.”

“Well I’m exhausted and sometimes being exhausted is painful.”

Didn’t we spend the past few days doing nothing though? Levi thought to himself. But time had been an illusion the past few days and he could have sworn only a few seconds had passed by since that long dance in the diner. Even with the past two days of doing nothing, somehow he did understand the exhaustion.

In fact, he understood it a little too well. His own instinct had been to approach her, reach out a hand on her shoulder and squeeze. Her shoulders were hard and for a while, it had felt like they were pushing back.

But Levi was strong and he easily won that small battle with that knot on her shoulder.

Hange let out stilted breath. “That felt good.”

“Why is your body so stiff…” Levi asked as he ran his hands over her shoulder. He squeezed points right after the other, and her body could have been made of those knots and he wouldn’t have been too surprised. It was unsettling and almost terrifying.

“I told you. My husband overworks me all the time.”

“But really what do you do…”

“I work… I work everyday.” Hange said.

“Work for what…” Levi continued as he ran his hands up her neck.

Hange stretched her neck, letting out a resounding crack. “I don’t wanna disappoint…”

Disappoint him? His hands were over her damp hair, and he found himself amazed by how easily his fingers had untangled the waves in her hair.

“Disappoint?”

Hange turned to him and stood up.

“Disappoint him?” Levi asked. And as the haze cleared, as Hange stood up, and grabbed the towel, for a second Levi did see her raw, damp and very much exposed.

Exposed in ways that only her husband should have had the privilege to see. And Levi only noticed it then.

No foot messages right? Foot massages were actually very innocent things.

By laying hands I mean, laying hands in a familiar way. In fact, foot massages were such innocent things, Levi would have been happy to confess to a foot massage if it meant forgetting everything else he had done.

Fuck, he’s not just gonna be disappointed. He’s gonna be angry. Furious. He’s gonna fucking kill me.

And the steam chose that moment to disperse, the steam chose the moment when Hange was looking back at him yet still a good many movements away from wrapping that towel around herself.

And for some reason, Levi couldn't move. He couldn't walk away nor could he put his eyes up in some sort of defense. The only thing he had control of then had been his voice. But would she listen?

Either way, it was worth a try. “Hange, stop. Don’t!”

“You didn’t sleep well last night did you?”

Levi’s blinked back from that last view. That transition had been a little too abrupt. In what world would steam, with the silhouette of a naked Hange open up to a pile of paperwork on a desk? His mind had asked him then.

A voice had broken through his mindspace to answer it. “You looked like you were having a bad dream there. You okay?”

Levi looked up to see Hange clad in survey corps green coat, like she always had been, every single day before that.

And that… That was a fucking dream. Levi let out a long sigh. He wasn’t some low life stealing someone’s wife. He was a captain. And Hange was his commander.

“I’m fine. Sorry I dozed off for a while. How long was I out?”

“Around 12, I came back from a quick lunch and found you asleep. So looking at the watch now… Two hours?”

“And you didn’t wake me up?”

“You looked tired,” Hange said matter-of-factly, she said it too calmly that to Levi, it had been almost painful hearing it. Hange didn’t look like she had slept well either, her worry lines were more apparent and her eyes tended to droop a little more than usual.

And Levi found himself focusing particularly on the way her shoulders dropped yet at the same time stiffened. From a meter away, Levi could already pick out the knots on her shoulders and he was certain she never did give them a proper stretch. “You always look tired. That’s why I’ve told you many times before, give me some of your work.”

“No need to deal with any of those, I fixed the purchase orders already.”

“What about these?” Levi asked as he read through the topmost paper.

“I read through and documented everything already.”

“Then why are they here?”

“You’re still the head of the special squad. So I thought you’d want to review the purchase orders for the weapons.”

“I could have dealt with this myself,” Levi narrowed his eyes at Hange.

“Well it’s done at least. Doesn’t matter who did it.”

“No. It does. You’re constantly tired,” Levi said. “You might get sick or hell, you might drop dead at the rate you’re going.”

“I’m commander, it’s my job to read through all this.” Hange walked back to her desk and gently tapped the stack of papers on her desk.

“I can take some of that,” Levi offered.

Hange shook her head. “These are reports on the installation of the new train line. I don’t think this is the type of paperwork I can easily hand over to anyone else. Just read through the purchase orders, tell me if I missed anything.”

Even when Hange was requesting something with such a serious face, it had almost sounded pleading. And Levi felt almost obligated to look through every single one of the records very carefully, even after poring through more than half of them and coming up fairly convinced that there would be no mistakes among the pages worth of purchase orders.

No calculation errors. No typos. Levi had spent the last two hours before the sun set, even doing some quick calculations and estimations through them to be sure. Hange was thorough.

Before Levi knew it, the office started to come out looking a light orange, a far cry from the dull rustic brown hue that blanketed it most of the day.

It had been a comforting view long ago, when it had been a sign of the end of a long busy day.

But recently, Hange had been staying longer, even after the bright orange faded into purples and into a dark blue, even long after Hange had to turn on dim light. What had been the most unsettling part for Levi though had been the fact that she never did go home. When he entered the office in the morning she was there. When he left the house for the night she was there.

As if she were married to her job.

“Hey.”

Hange looked up, catching his gaze. “You need something?”

Her eyes were glossy from what could have been a constant stream of exhaustion and somehow that made Levi all the more determined to get her out. “What’s your plan tomorrow?”

Hange shrugged. “Depends what I finish tonight.”

“You haven’t taken a rest in so long. It’s like you’re married to your job.”

“I don’t wanna disappoint,” Hange explained. “Erwin made me commander for a reason.”

“We never got to check out that one fancy restaurant. I heard that Marleyan soldier makes really good food.”

“New shipments are coming tomorrow so I’m going to have to go to the port and---”

“That can wait until tomorrow,” Levi approached her table, placing his hand gently on the edge. “One night. Forget about your work for one night. I promise, we’ll have a great time.”

Hange raised one eyebrow. “A great time? It’s been a while since I had one.”

“And all I’m asking for is one night. You’re not happy married to your work.”

Hange sighed. “Actually you might be right. I have been pretty miserable lately. Maybe because I never give myself a break.” She pushed the papers haphazardly to one side of the table. “One night,” she repeated.

They could have taken the carriage to the restaurant and could have been there in five minutes. But somehow, Levi was scrambling for reasons to make the night last longer. And Hange didn’t protest.

They were walking through the more silent parts of town. The walk took them through winding paths that only prolonged their trek to the restaurant. Although they were very much familiar with that part of town, neither of them protested such a silent decision.

“You know, you were smiling in your sleep for a while,” Hange said.

“Was I?”

“Then suddenly, you were frowning. Then you woke up screaming,” Hange said, widening her eyes in emphasis. “Was it a bad dream?”

Was it?  “I don’t know.”

“How can you not know?”

“It had good parts and bad parts.”

“What makes you say that?”

“There were a lot of things which happened there, which I wish could happen in real life… And other parts were just…” Levi trailed off. He felt himself shudder just thinking of that phantom husband of Hange.

“Things you wish could happen? You mean… like a happy ending after the war or something?”

Some of the pictures though had Levi cringing and unable to stop that grimace that played at his lips. Levi looked away as soon as he felt the blood rush to his face. “What about… You enjoy tonight… Like enjoy to your heart’s content, take a great rest. And I’ll tell you.”

“I think this is the first time I’ve seen you so eager to hide something from me. ” Hange let out one whistle, one provocative whistle that only served to make Levi’s blood boil. “But I’ll hold you to do that.