#Maybe I’m just overthinking the silly improv again lol

[i-may-be-an-emu]

Ok but just cause of the lighting it kinda looks like sam has eyeliner/eye make up of some kind and now all im thinking is EMOJASPEREMOJASPEREMOJASPER

[earth4angels]

I'd just like you to know that you are on of my favorite Jace writers. You always engage in conversation about how Jace would act with others in the fandom, and I can really see how you incorporate that into your works.

Your depiction of Jace always gives me butterflies in my stomach- especially in the flowershop au. You are my favorite source of fluffy ooey gooey Jace. Also, its not just with Jace where your talent shines. I really enjoyed (and cried over) your Ollie Hide fic.

I can honestly tell that over the course of your works, your writing has improved so much. I hope to see you continue to write, but I understand if you want to stop. Perhaps if you do stop writing, you might take time to do something else you really enjoy. I hope the anons clear up so you can go back to writing in peace, but we understand that if they don’t why you would quit. We will be sad to see you stop writing for Jace, but maybe (if you stop writing) you can pick up on it again.

In the meantime, don’t be afraid to post those fics you want to post. Me and the girls will be here on the sidelines defending you and reading whatever poetry you cook up.

Love,

Positivity anon ➕

positive anon.. a sun in my box.. you didn’t have to write all this, but you did and it caused me to drop my phone and tear up. you don’t understand just how important it this is to me, i hardly get msgs like yours just outta no where and it made me immediately feeling so overwhelmed that it’s impossible to describe this feeling to you.. thank you.. thank you for reading, for loving my version of jacaerys, for being patient, for supporting me.. you have no idea.

thank you for the kind words, i’ve really needed to hear it, read it in this case. i’m taking a screenshot and whenever i feel lost, unmotivated, hurt, i will go back to this and remember there’s someone that is looking forward to my worlds of silliness.

thank you with all that my heart can give thank you. i try hard to make sense of my writing, sometimes in spanish it sounds better but i try to make it such as beautiful in english. i overthink my writing a lot, my plots, my ideas, i overthink and i hide them thinking they suck. so thank you.. for this. i cannot believe how many thanks i can give but just know your msg really.. it really did something to me. i love you positive noonie, i love you so much and i hope you can continue with me for 2025 that i plan to be successful and more lovey dovey for all the characters i have planned (of course some more angst lol) but i hope you continue to be with me. i will work hard to be a better writer.

i love you noonie, thank you for making my sunday, my week better 🩷 happy holidays, and stay warm my angel.

[kinetic-elaboration]

May 13: A Simple Favor

I ordered in dinner and watched A Simple Favor because it seemed like a fun sort of movie to improve my mood or at least distract me. I’ve been meaning to watch it for a while, partly because it looked like an enjoyable thriller, partly because I wanted to see Blake Lively looking hot as fuck in those suits, and partly for a secret third and silly reason.

Anyway, I liked it a lot! The last 15-20 minutes, maybe everything from the graveyard scene on, was a little weak, in the way that a lot of thrillers (and horrors) are weak: the best part is the build up and when you actually start learning the answers and seeing the climactic action, it’s disappointing, less interesting than whatever you might have vaguely pictured. I think many films in these genres also overthink the need for a Big Climax—something that somehow justifies all the build up by being very gory or having a lot of extra twists or turns or whatever—and end up with something dull. I think Favor had a bit of that issue. It made me think of that Community episode that was nothing BUT twists and that’s… not great for it lol. Like it wasn’t sure what to do with itself so it just kind of… reached for All the Cliches.

But even that is a fairly small complaint. Most of the film before that exceeded my expectations by a lot. It kept me on my toes and had me trying to predict what the next twist would be. Who was lying? Would Stephanie and Emily run away together? Was Sean the actual bad guy? Was STEPHANIE the actual bad guy? I’m not gonna lie, at one point I was quite convinced that there were Clues that she was just as much of a liar and manipulator as Emily was (the backstory with her brother, the ease with which she moved into Emily’s life, the use of the vlog as a narrative-device implying that she is good at creating a persona, etc.) and that ultimately we might find that Stephanie was responsible for Emily’s disappearance or perhaps working with her, etc. Which I actually do think could have been cool. I was hoping for one of those sequences where you see the whole movie again but this time with extra bits filled in that tell a totally different story… Oh well.

But ultimately both Emily and Stephanie were basically who I thought they were up front. (And Sean was just a wet noodle of a man. No mystery there either.) I didn’t really think Emily was so hard to figure out or so mysterious or unusual. She was basically just a liar and sociopath? In the very literal sense that she really didn’t believe in the reality of other people. That’s it. I mean, it’s not hard to wrap one’s head around really.

My biggest disappointment with the movie was that we didn’t get to see more of her. I anticipated this would be my biggest disappointment based on the general premise of the film and also because I know no one would put Blake Lively looking like That in a suit opposite a female co-star if they weren’t intending to draw in wlw viewers and then disappointing them deeply, so. Yeah. Saw that coming. And all that is true because there was definitely a lot of interesting stuff between the “best friends” that wasn’t fully explored. But I also think that when Emily is on screen, she’s so much more interesting than when people are just talking about her or telling stories.

I just have a real soft spot for stories where two characters form a quick and intense friendship based on one’s characters extremely charismatic nature, and then the other character is Ruined for life, or at least permanently altered in some way. Hill House. Tinker Tailor. Etc. No particular reason I love these narratives so much. And that’s definitely what Stephanie and Emily have at first: Emily is beautiful and powerful and she gives Stephanie permission not to say I’m sorry; she shows a real interest in her, or seems to; she seems to hold Secret Knowledge. Of course Stephanie is obsessed with her, and of course she’d then get ever more tangled in her life. Because they’re both women, there’s a bit of the double-thing going on: Stephanie trying on her life, trying on her clothes, sleeping with her husband. Because Blake Lively looks like That, there’s a bit of the erotic thriller too: the romantic slow-walk in the rain, the…literal making out on the couch. That all of this drags Stephanie down and in some way makes her a different person is definitely, like, my kink. But it works best when she’s actually interacting with Emily, which she doesn’t actually do that much. So there was a bit of that frustrating trope where the same-sex-romance dynamic is swapped out for an opposite-sex-romance dynamic through the use of an avatar. Like, Sean could have been an interesting character, but at the end of the day, I think he was just…there, to represent Emily when Emily wasn’t around. And he’s no Emily lol.

I sound like I’m being so harsh! Honestly, I really, really liked the film. It was fun, it was clever, it was funny, it was stylish, it was hot—it had sort of a poor ending, but it wasn’t an awful one, and anyway I can live with that. I would watch it again.

[solarheiress]

I honestly haven’t seen chat blanc in a while, or, in a language I understand, so, I’m honestly not sure if this is possible?

But, like, an AU where Marinette and Adrien become very good friends? Now I know I know lol “Marinette is a good friend” but also, they don’t really interact like friends. That’s obviously for the show’s romantic tension and what not but what if they, legit, became goofy buddies.

Like, if Alya gives Adrien advice to just be silly, and a very reluctant Chat Noir advises Ladybug to just slow down and relax and act natural around her crush. And unlike all of her other friends who have seen Marinette be that way around Adrien, if Chat Noir, who’s never seen her with Adrien as Marinette or ladybug (as far as she can remember), realizes from knowing her so well that she’s probably overthinking things, that maybe that’s part of the problem.

So she gives more effort than usual into ignoring her anxious train of thought that’s screaming in her ear and also Adrien is suddenly acting like an absolute dork so these two factors contribute to a more genuine friendship between them.

And it relates positively in Gabriel’s eyes? Like, Adrien is doing better at photo shoots because he’s paying more attention to things to tell Marinette about later. He’s doing better in Chinese lessons because he is both learning from Sabine and trying to teach Marinette. Even in fencing, because he remembers Marinette wanted to sign up so he wants to practice well to teach her if she asks (also, he maybe wants to impress her a little but she’s just a-)

Anyways, he always did well in these things, but now he’s more enthusiastic and is somehow going above and beyond, so, Gabriel bites the bullet and decides to try to meet whichever snivelling brat has somehow improved Adrien’s performance. He expects a boy, but when Marinette shows up, he remembers that instance with the grimoire and her Adrien wall television show and is ready to shut things down, but then Marinette is an absolute delight. Also she talks to him about fashion which seems to be one of his only interests aside from evil doing.

So, he begrudgingly accepts this little friend because she not only seems to be improving Adrien’s performance but also his attitude (with the small but noteworthy contribution that Adrien fans are becoming more easy to akumatize by the day). Also she’s worming her way into whatever he has instead of a heart, because Marinette Dupain Cheng is a delight, and a delight that is familiar with the technical aspects of fashion design rather than just gushing like normal fans.

Also he sees Adrien. He’s not blind. No matter how blind Adrien might be.

Also a sad note is that he heard Marinette say she wished she could have met Adrien’s mom. Something he could remind Adrien of if Adrien discovered his hawkmoth-ing. Now, we all know that probably wouldn’t work but the lengths that Gabriel is going for his romantic partner might color his opinions of what his son would do as well.

For once, Gabe is coming around. Adrien is ecstatic because Marinette is allowed to visit his house. This little tiny delightful girl who goes above and beyond and brought Gabriel his favourite pastries and seems to care for his son just like Emilie did for him and he’s stuck. Also, even though it frustrates him a bit, she’s never been akumatized! She must be level-headed, no? (Also, he’s paying attention to his son for once and, again, he’s not blind, he figures he might as well be nice to his future daughter in law, even if Adrien hasn’t asked her out yet for reasons Gabriel can’t understand). He even meets her parents almost by accident, because Nathalie suggested picking up Adrien from the dupain-Chang’s place on the way home from some meeting.

And then he finds out Marinette is Ladybug.

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

(Here's my resubmission! Thanks again for allowing me to resubmit this and thank you so much for the hard work you put into doing this!♡)

Hi there~ Hope you all have been doing well! First, I want to thank you for providing us with all your amazing work! Love reading them! I also wanted to request a match-up if that’s okay?

May I please request a Magi, Ace of Diamond, and Yu-Gi-Oh! match-up? I'm a 5'0 (153 cm), ♏, ISFP, hetero girl (she/her). I’m both kinda chubby and muscular. I have medium length brown hair and eyes. I love to draw & sing especially! I'd be the type to sing softly to my s/o while we're alone and close together. Maybe try to lull them to sleep, hehe! I often take endless pics of the sunset and sea because they're so pretty. I dislike bossy people. 

To be honest, I'm a loner, I don't really reach out to people. I'm shy, awkward, and I like my alone time. I'm friendly and good-willing towards others nonetheless! I'm actually silly & playful w/ family. I can joke around them a lot! I easily open up to funny people.

I have a short temper but I forgive just as quickly. I tend to overthink a lot. My pride causes me to try and act strong, but I’m really just a sensitive person. :’) I can be hard on myself yet I feel it's necessary to improve. I'm an appreciative person so I'll say “thank you” like 1000 times lol! 

I highly value family, honesty, and private time with loved ones.

Thank you so much! Sorry this was so long and that this’ll have to be a collaborated match-up because of the fandoms I chose :’D (sorry again) Definitely take all the time you need! No pressure :) I appreciate your hard work! Stay safe and healthy always (*´˘`*)♡

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hello and thank you so much for resubmitting and I am so so so so sorry this got out so late, but I really do hope you enjoy it!

>Admin 𝕋

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽...

You and Hakuryuu would be the perfect match! I don’t Haku would be one to judge about bodies, if anything he cares more about personality and how you treat other people then how you look. He would definitely someone who would lull him to sleep with their voice, and since you like singing, you would be the best person for this! He would absolutely love you singing to him and help him sleep. And if you were to play with his while you sang to him? Oh he will be putty in your hands!

Another thing I feel like Hakuryuu will like is that you are shy and the fact that you value family and private time. He is very much the same, wanting to make a family built on honesty and love. And I totally see him going for you, since you have the same values as him! I feel that once Haku were to meet you and get to know you and your shy and appreciative nature, he will instantly fall for you!

All in all, Hakuryuu and you would be the best couple in the Magi universe! He will love your personality, your stubbornness, and your quick wit, while also loving your caring and kind side!

Haruichi for you! So, for Haurichi I feel that he would very much like your body, how muscley you are, but also how you still got some skin on ya, he’d be really into that; it’s someone he can hold onto when he wants to embrace you! He also love that the fact you can sing and like singing! He is more athletic and into sports, so I feel he has no musical abilities, but he will most deifinitely appreciate what you can do! If anything, I can see Haruichi falling for you because of you beautiful voice!

Another thing I see Haruichi loving, is the fact that you take so many pictures, to either remember that moment or because you think something is beautiful. He would just sit back and watch a little smile come onto your face as you continue taking pictures, and I can definitely see Haruichi falling for you then and there!

All in all, I feel that Haruichi would be perfect for you in the Ace of Daimond universe! He would love how you look and how you present yourself and your hobbies, and he would love your kind yet quick tempered nature too!

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Hello hello! Thank you so much for your patience! I’ll be doing your you-go-oh match-up~! I’m so sorry it took so long to get to this, but I do hope you enjoy it as much as I did with pairing you up with someone~! As always, thank you so much for the love and support!

》》Admin Ko

𝕀 𝕊𝕙𝕚𝕡 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙…

ʏᴜɢɪ ᴍᴜᴛᴜᴏ

The lovely boy I decided to ship you with is our lovely Yugi~! Though it was all in the past, Yugi can immensely relate to the feeling of being an outsider and being unable to reach out to people— though he thanks everything that had brought him the new friends he made from high school and throughout into his adult years. 

He’s patient with you and understands that it may take some time for you to open up to him, but fear not for this stubborn boy won’t take no immediately for an answer. Rather, he’ll wait and patiently talk to you until you open up to him. He’s playful and loves to tease whenever he can. Though your pride may stand in the way, he’s dealt with a large variety of people who have strong senses of pride, thus he’s understanding and patient with you and will openly communicate with you whenever you’re willing to lend a listening ear.

[birlcholtz]

you did bittyholtz so now how about bittyrans

bittyrans you say??? this is so fucking long it’s over 2.5k i’ve written full ass fics shorter than this i am going to bED

it starts with the PSLs, as so many things do. (do they???? idk i’ve only had like 2 psls in my life) PSLs turn into rans and bitty having weekly scheduled ‘get coffee and talk about the absolutely obscene lifestyle choices of the rest of our team,’ featuring holster and jack’s wardrobes, the green couch, and shitty’s inability to chew without talking at the same time, among other things

and THEN ‘coffee and bitch’ sessions turn into 'coffee and talk about whatever u feel’ sessions and eventually it just becomes a Thing. saturday mornings are for ransom and bitty. there’s still a lot of 'coffee and bitch’ happening, because it’s not like holster’s adidas slides and socks combo just went away, but they realize it’s not just expensive lattes and a half decent sense of fashion and hygiene that unites them. 

they deal with academic pressure in such different ways that it’s almost impossible to notice the similarities until they start talking more and more and realize they both feel that pressure (ransom because everything he turns in has to be perfect, bitty because he has a ridiculously hard time concentrating on things that don’t interest him, like for instance many of his classes), it’s just that ransom has nervous breakdowns that feature a lot of crying under the table and bitty bakes things as therapy until he’s forgotten all about whatever he needed to do.

so what happens when eric bittle (unofficially voted cutest member of smh 80 times) and justin oluransi (the most beautiful man at samwell) hang out a lot?

well, the first thing that happens is that people stare at them a lot as they walk around but ransom genuinely doesn’t notice because this happens to him all the time it’s never *not* happened and bitty notices but he figures it’s just because Ransom. u know.

ransom also finds bitty’s vlog, watches like 8 videos immediately (holster: dude are u ok), and barrels into the kitchen with his laptop in hand like BITTY CAN WE MAKE THIS

and bitty’s like oh sure! and ransom’s like. no. i mean can WE make this. i want to learn to make it and bitty’s like FUCK yeah

over the course of learning to make this dish ransom successfully wheedles bitty into letting him be on his vlog, bitty’s subscribers are Shook at this beautiful man just suddenly appearing when bitty has literally never had a guest before. he and ransom struggle to call each other by their first names the entire time and it’s fun and silly and they DO actually get a decent pie in the oven so it’s a success ('teaching my teammate to bake a _____’ sorry i didn’t think of a recipe lol. fill in whatever u want)

and then the comments on that video blow up, mostly with comments about ransom, some are just about how beautiful he is, some are like eric…. >.> why is this man on your channel when nobody else has ever been. eric do you have a boyfriend and where did you find him

bitty reads all these comments and does Not mention them to ransom but he’s mildly flattered that these people just assumed he was dating rans. because it’s hard to stand next to ransom and still feel attractive oops

BUT he also gets a bunch of new subscribers, which is why he asks ransom if he wants to be on the vlog again a few weeks later and ransom is like oh HELL yes

but it’s too late. bitty’s read all the comments asking if they’re dating. he never thought about ransom in that context before but he’s read all the comments now and he can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to date him. oops

they do the second video, and bitty firmly tells himself that they’re just friends and he’s just overthinking all of those comments, but also ransom smiling directly at someone is a force to be reckoned with and bitty literally cannot stop himself from smiling back (it’s a good thing they’re the only ones in the kitchen because anyone else would probably explode from observing it. bitty smiling is much more powerful than he knows)

okay and like. if bitty thought the comments on the first video were a lot. the sECOND video with justin oluransi?? it blows up. particularly because of one part where bitty catches ransom stealing a strawberry and just gasps and goes “justin” and people lose their minds over it. eric is so appalled. justin grins in a way that is only half apologetic and immediately reaches for another one and eric literally almost yeets the pie down the counter away from him. people set it to music on tiktok (i know tiktok wasn’t a thing while they were in college let me h a v e this)

and let it be known, ransom is also reading the comments on these videos, and he sees all the ones asking if he’s bitty’s boyfriend and he’s like haha wait what and tHEn he goes back and rewatches the videos he’s been in and like?? okay he can see why they think that. bitty puts his hands over ransom’s a lot and ransom slings an arm around bitty’s shoulders a lot but that’s just normal for smh??????? right??????? RIGHT??????????

too late. they’re both overanalyzing every single interaction now

(holster: bro did you see this tiktok of you and— ransom: and bitty losing five years off his life expectancy? yeah holster: nono this one’s set to don’t rain on my parade/the sound of silence/et cetera you have to watch it)

ransom still isn’t in most of bitty’s videos because honestly most of his stuff goes way over ransom’s level of baking knowledge. but he still watches them and it’s kind of nice to watch vlogs where bitty is so obviously in his element? the way he talks to the camera is so friendly and charming and the way he bakes is so efficient and professional. and because he’s a masochist he reads the comments on those ones too and finds a lot where people are asking where justin is. but mostly he’s focused on bitty and how obvious it is that this is bitty’s THING. he just exudes confidence and happiness and it’s kind of hypnotizing honestly

(he also goes back to bitty’s earliest vlogs and is like holy shit BABY BITTY. SO SMALL. and bitty in those videos is still charming but a little less calm and collected— the editing is a little less smooth, and he can’t quite stop himself from adding editorial comments about his aunt’s and his mother’s different techniques. it’s kind of adorable. and like, bitty is still adorable— wait what just crossed ransom’s brain???)

because bitty IS adorable, just a little more put together now. he still gets more excited by discussing types of flour than anyone else ransom has ever met, and he still bops along to whatever song is stuck in his head while he bakes, and when ransom sees bitty after bingeing roughly half of his videos and feels something in his chest lighten, he figures that’s probably going to be his new normal.

and people in the comments clamor for more videos with ransom, and ransom sees these comments, and bitty does too, and ransom seeing these comments is why he pokes his head into the kitchen when he knows bitty is filming, silently waves at the camera, and then leaves again before bitty’s even noticed that he’s there. it makes it into the final cut of the video and the comments section goes wild.

ransom and bitty still hang out plenty outside of doing vlogs together— bitty eventually gets a few dollars in ad revenue from the first video ransom was in and insists that they go on a celebratory unscheduled annie’s trip. (annie’s date energy intensifies)

and while they’re at annie’s/hanging out around campus/bitty has let ransom drag him to the library for some reason bitty can’t help but wonder what it would be like if he was actually dating ransom. he can’t deny that he thinks about ransom in that way now— it’s hard NOT to honestly?? like ransom has been objectively beautiful since the first day bitty met him (and before that, but y'know, not as relevant to bitty’s life) and maybe it’s just his imagination but he thinks that ever since they’ve started making these videos ransom’s smiles have lingered just a little longer and there are more of them, too. and the vlogs have also shown bitty a side of ransom that he doesn’t see a lot, because nobody sees it a lot— ransom trying something he isn’t already good at. throwing himself into it with enthusiasm, actually, and that NEVER happens. ransom is not great at handling failure? but bitty gets to see him cut loose and relax and laugh at his mistakes and he kind of loves it and loves this version of ransom he hasn’t seen before

and ransom, for his part, has been steadily falling for the sheer force of bitty’s charisma when he’s doing something he loves, ever since he first found bitty’s vlog. and as he looks closer he realizes it’s not just the vlog— bitty has always had these depths to him, he just kind of lets them out when he’s baking? and ransom feels kind of privileged to be able to see that side of him so regularly

(also i’m just saying that ransom is very into intelligence and watching bitty fire off answers without even blinking to obscure baking questions where ransom only understands about 30% of the words is a turn on)

but ransom’s become a fan favorite on bitty’s vlog, and he keeps making recurring appearances and even improves a little at baking (which bitty always comments on when he notices an improvement— it’s half chirpy and half genuine pride), and people in the comments BEG them to do a q&a for like. a couple of months. before bitty is like uhhh if i want to make money off of this channel i gotta give the people what they want

so he makes a normal vlog but at the end ransom pops in and they’re like hey we’re gonna do a q&a for our next video where eric answers baking questions and justin is also there since y'all really want him there for some reason??? (but bitty says it nicer and less confused than that)

bitty immediately realizes why ppl want ransom to be in the q&a so bad when about 25% of the comments are about baking and the rest of them are about bitty and ransom. roughly three-quarters of THOSE fully assume they’re dating and the rest of them are just asking if they’re dating.

so bitty is like um ransom?? we should probably address this in our q&a?? everyone really wants to know if we’re dating??

and this interaction is incredibly awkward. i need you all to know that. it’s incredibly awkward because bitty is like 'okay so like YES i like ransom in more than a friend way but this is literally the worst scenario ever i literally can’t believe my subscribers are calling me out for making eyes at him’ and ransom is like 'fuck fuck fuck i want to date bitty but i don’t want to make it weird is it weird??? because of his vlog?????? what do i do??????’

but anyway then ransom is like uh yeah we should address that! and then like. says nothing

and bitty’s like uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh. sooooooooooooo. what do we say

and ransom’s like. :0. um. (the amount of ums and uhs in this conversation are astonishing let me say) well. are we dating??

and bitty genuinely can’t tell if ransom actually meant that as a question or if it was sarcastic and he says as much and ransom is like no that was a real question i actually don’t know if we’re dating or not?

and bitty is like holy shit i can’t believe this is happening what the fuck and he says well. we should um. clear that up. before the q&a

and ransom’s like yeah we should. uh. like. we COULD be dating.

and bitty’s like ….yeah yeah we could. are we?

and ransom’s like do you want to be?

and bitty’s like do you want to be?

and ransom’s like i asked first and bitty’s like damn u got me there. and then he’s like yeah i …. kinda want to be dating and ransom is like swawesome me too glad we cleared that up, how was ur lit seminar and bitty is like HOLD ON JUSTIN OLURANSI because did that just fuckin happen??? we can’t just MOVE ON from that conversation that fast????

so they wind up talking about how basically bitty’s vlog inspired Feelings in both of them and it’s very emotional because ransom is like i love that i feel like i can make mistakes around you and bitty is like i love that you put in the effort to learn about what i care about and they go to annie’s because That’s What They Do and get matching drinks as they always do and smile at each other the whole time (bitty is also literally pinching himself because What The Fuck, how did i wheel JUSTIN OLURANSI) and then they go back to the haus and start picking the questions to respond to in their q&a

ransom does get busier and can’t spend as much time in bitty’s vlogs as usual but he helps bitty plan out what he’s going to talk about when, when to post, the ideal ratio of how-to videos versus just answering questions, and with his help bitty’s vlog starts getting a lot of attention and a lot of subscribers, like, exponentially fast

(it helps that they got memed so early on)

(it also helps that their q&a video where they confirmed they were dating was fucking adorable because they talked about how they got together and how a big part of it was bc of bitty’s vlog and it’s just the sweetest goddamn thing and that video totally blows up too)

(intentional celebrity eric bittle. accidental celebrity justin oluransi.)

it gets to a point where bitty is like. making legitimate money from his vlog and he INSISTS on compensating ransom in some way (ransom: i like helping you??? bitty: and i like making my vlog doesn’t mean i don’t like getting things out of it) so they work out a system where ransom gets some money for helping bitty plan out videos and edit and he gets some more for videos he’s in and like?? they’re icons. 

some headcanons: 

ransom successfully convinces bitty to wear sperrys

bitty boops ransom’s nose so often that there are compilations of it

bitty also spends a lot of time with ransom when he’s studying for tests because being just like. physically there, like leaning on ransom’s shoulder or holding his hand helps reassure ransom a little

ransom always holds bitty’s face in his hands before kissing him and bitty thinks it’s the best thing ever

there’s an entire swallow issue about them

bitty’s name in ransom’s phone is 'eric butter

bitty tells his parents ransom has been helping him with his vlog before he tells them that they’re together, and coach is like 'nice’ and suzanne bursts with such effusive joy (because ransom is great with parents) that bitty feels himself grinning

the Thesis Battle of 2017 is less increasingly sneaky methods of convincing bitty to write his thesis and more 'bitty read this article on the pomodoro method and then work on ur thesis for twenty minutes so you can bake pie later’ (dex asks ransom if they should cut off bitty’s oven access and ransom is like hmm. well if u do just make sure it doesn’t affect how the kitchen looks because if he can’t even film vlogs answering people’s questions then he’ll be really frustrated)

ransom and bitty shop for clothes together all the time and when it’s winter clothes it’s a constant battle between things that will keep them warm and things that will look cute. they definitely have discussions where bitty’s like 'okay do you think this is warm enough for me’ and ransom’s like 'no that’s warm enough for me you’re from georgia’

both of their snapchat games are INCREDIBLY strong. ransom’s stories are a work of art and bitty is a master of filters and they are constantly communicating via snapchat

ransom also keeps track of all the memes that surface from bitty’s channel and saves them to show bitty later

bitty’s channel gets bigger and bigger and more and more popular and his creative team gets bigger and more complicated to reflect that? but at the same time ransom is always his no. 1

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Yet another confusing time of nothingness but not despair

I’m not depressed. It’s not the nothingness I’ve known a few years ago where nothing has taste and there’s a hole in your body and your soul. Nope. It’s just, weird af.

This time there’s no hole and empty sorrow. The best I can describe it is sitting on a chair, doing stuff, living, blinking, breathing but laughing at the thought that something is going on - obviously - that I can’t put my finger on. It’s weird but I’ll take it over listening my depressive playlist. It’s nicer to laugh.

So, 2021 onwards. Something big happened already, only one day after it started. I lost my V card. Who would’ve thought. Not me. I was the first surprised. Still wonder if it really happened to be honest. Been 4 days and I’m in a weird state of mind. At first I felt very awkward and ashamed for some reasons (and I still do to an extent). It wasn’t so much about the realisation, it was never a big deal for me but not to be seen as the prude and dysfunctional girl out of my girlfriends is kinda nice so I guess I can cross that of my list. But at the same time, idk. It was kinda boring and left me thinking "so what’s the big deal?". Didn’t really left me wanting more. I have more fun on my own.

Usually I’m all opened about what to write even without focus but this time it’s really hard to gather stuff. Feels like I want to hide them from myself even. But gonna force myself to expand a bit. It’s important stuff in a way.

So what happened.

Don’t really remember but I guess once again I felt lonely one night and desperate enough to swipe some guys on Tinder. It’s kinda my thing. It’s all alright until it isn’t and I feel a surge of swipe to justify that I’m at least trying to "fix" or at least improve my condition.

Anyways, ended up on some guy that was way too handsome to skip but I knew nothing would come of it since he was like 300km from me. Wanted to keep it as collection I guess. I try to keep the ones I find attractive to figure out "my type". Kinda silly.

Then, ofc, the one you expect the least is always the one to talk back. It wasn’t a striking message, he commented about my septum, and it just went on from that. Been talking for a month+ now (since the start of December) and I liked how it’s always been sporadic messages. Like not the kind where you send messages, get some answer back in 5mn and discuss live (like I do everyday on Discord). It’s way more sparse and I like it cause I can’t be dedicated to spending my whole life texting (even tho I do it on Discord but it feels different?).

Tbh I’ve never been "compelled" to this person like waiting his messages in anticipation or anything. Always been detached. Was the same with the guy I was texting before this summer and even before. It’s kinda nice cause there’s not much at stake. If he ever ghosts, it doesn’t really matter. But it’s also scaring me. Do I have a broken heart or what? I can’t seem to feel things. Apart from crushes (which are insignificant) and that one coworker I hanged out with, I’ve never been silly over texts. I would prefer to be. At least it makes you feel something. For sure at least I don’t get hurt, but I feel like a ghost.

Onwards. We finally decided to meet. Wasn’t particularly pleased to have him over my place cause I’ve never invited strangers there and what if it was awkward? At least in public you’re safe and if it goes terrible you can just leave and pretend to have something to do after to move on. Home, if you want an escape, you kinda have to be blunt and ask the person to go away or bare with it.

Sex was off the table - at least in my mind, even wore not sexy clothes and unmatched undies -. I thought I had been clear about that since I had said something like "Sure why not but only to get to know each other". Guess it had been taken in another way that what I was originally meaning.

Fatidic day comes, obligatory stress before a date, make yourself extra pretty. He arrives, super handsome, smells good, is nice. I make cocktails, he shakes them, we drink, it’s fine. But, cause there’s always a but, it seems so formal. Like I’m trying to be a good date and be ultra dynamic in the conversation but it feels like I’m leading too much and he’s not talking an awful lot, not even asking about me. Super different from how he was texting. I try to not mind it too much.

It gets physical at some point, he makes me hop on him, take me into his arms until he finally decides to go down on me and go PIV. It’s not like I didn’t want to and was forced to do so, I just let it happen. But I would’ve preferred it another way? Like further down the line? First talk a lot more and get a feel of each other, then eventually leading to that. Introducing that so fast, so quick made the possible spark die for me. I felt awkward and like nothing could go on from that point but to go the casual sex route or stop it there. I guess it made me realise that I’m really looking for a relationship. Prior to that I always said I wanted to see how things go into dating, so not specifically a relationship but that’s exactly what happened and now I know.

So here we are, the aftermath. Kinda ghosted him for two days. He was obviously super happy about what happened and casual about it but I wasn’t. So expressed that it made me uncomfortable and so forth. He said he was sorry and wasn’t usually like that… Wanted me to give him a second chance. Debated for a whole lot of time in my head, basically lost my peaceful sleep times for days now (and it’s still ongoing). Decided on a "maybe". And now we’re back to texting, more deep stuff, less emotes. Idk how I feel about that. I don’t know anything anymore.

————————

So I left this note unfinished kinda? But it’s an unfinished business so that’s fine. One week later. Where we at?

We continued texting and I guess the more time past the more I was forgetting about our first date, moving on in a kinda way. Focusing on other stuffs basically even tho that’s the core of my life rn. Like overthinking, thinking and thinking again about all this.

Eventually he asked if he could come back this weekend and I was like "mmmh maybe?", because I really was like maybe. Wasn’t really trying to tease him, just wasn’t sure. But in my mind, I was accepting that he’d come already. So fast-forward, second date planned on Sunday (first one was Saturday the week before). He asked if he could come a bit earlier to spend more time, and I agreed. Only if he didn’t come at like 9am or something cause y’a know, still need to make myself pretty and clean my apartment. Important stuff to me.

Today is Monday, so it was yesterday. What happened? Juicy.

It was kinda awkward at first, ngl. When he said he was there and I had to open the door to go get hime, I got this huge wave of stress washing over me and I remember saying out loud “Wtf am I even doing”, but then it was too late and it was happening so good fucking luck me.

He brought beers and a pizza (for him, since I hate it, he knew it). We just started to drink and talk casually, but there were these awkward silences at times. But props to him in some ways cause he always found a way to make a comeback somehow, and make it less awkward, and be physical - not always sex-driven but just make these kinda approaches that are like closing the gap between strangers? -.

We then decided to watch horror movies. And I think that was my favourite part. It was really just chilling you know. It was cute. We just cuddled on the couch and he tried a move but I said "not today". Cause that was my mindset for real this time. And as first date didn’t go as planned my battle plan for this one would have to hold. If no sex on second date, and he still stays in my radar it kinda seals the deal in a way? Not like it’s all perfect and chill, for all I know we’re not exclusive or anything so doesn’t prove much, but that he wants to stick around a bit? And I like that idea. So he was like "ok ok, I’ll slow down", with a cute voice. And yeah, that was a super nice moment that I really enjoyed actually. I remember thinking into his arms like "Okay, I could live with that, it’s kinda nice, could fall asleep here". He actually fell asleep for a while.

It wasn’t all perfect ok? There’s already some stuff bothering me, probably some bothers him too, but nothing is perfect. Kinda have to focus on the good stuff.

It’s kind of all new to me. Never went this far into any relationship really. So, I’m trying to handle things differently too? Like, I didn’t say to my friends - best friends - that I saw him again, all that happened yesterday. Cause, I guess I kinda wanna keep it to myself till I know where it’s going? If it ever goes somewhere anyway. Like I’ve always been to prone to talk about my dates - that are so few -, and nothing good ever came of it so I just don’t wanna discuss duds - not dudes, duds, like the empty fake shit - anymore?

I really wish I could talk to them about it now, cause it’s so fresh and new and he doesn’t answer me cause something happened in the army - cause he’s in the army - and he had to give his phone away at a certain point and he said he didn’t knew when he would get it back?

SO. Either, this could be a lie and he’s ghosting me. Which would be weird, considering how things went - he said “Today was a good day” in a vocal note yesterday while he was being punished -, but, you never know. Or, it’s the truth and it sucks cause I kinda wish we would have talked today. I mean, happened in the past where he was punished and stuff so it’s believable.

But it’s really one of the two. And it bothers me, and I wish I knew. Cause I’m all alone with my thoughts rn, and that’s why I picked this again cause I can’t talk to him, can’t - don’t wan’t - to talk to my friends about it, really can’t talk to my parents about it so I feel alone.

But on another note, reverse psychology really works on me lol. Kept checking my phone all day when usually he sends messages and I kinda glide over it cause I don’t wanna make it my priority, but clearly today there’s been a shift. Not to say it’ll remain if he ever answers - cause yeah, I cracked and sent a message -. So yeah guys, I’m one of those annoying chicks.

Yeaaaah, I definitely listened to my sad playlist today. Don’t judge. But also, I’m having my periods - which is great, cause I was concerned - but also make this day sucks even more cause it hurts. But at least the pain kinda distracts me. Idk, it’s weird to explain.

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #11 Final (Plus some tiddly bits of trying oh yeahhh!! ^^)

My hands are so frozen ahhhh it’s so cold uuugh @A@ *sits on hands for 5 hours and loses all feeling in them* wow so heartless my hands are oof-

Hmm... alrighty, this week’s appointment was my laaaast. Feels... idk man. On one hand I feel like some pressure has been lifted but I actually was kinda getting used to going, was getting a little comfy even lol and on the other hand I feel like some more pressure just came and took its place. It feels weird, like everything just shifted into how it was before I went, except now I have the power of... knowledge..?! And a smidgen more bravery I guess... I hope... don’t wimp out already! O^O It’s all on me now!! I have to take the wheel and steer it to victory! *crashes straight into ditch* 

Welp on the day I actually ended up going 1 hour early by accident because I assumed it’d be the same time as the other days but it was 1 hour later than those lolol, it was no big deal, just shopped around a lil with my sis and mum and then went back, aaand on time (unlike what it would’ve been if my app really was 1 hour earlier lol what a relief) hoh!

She came and got me, greeted me and we went up to the room talking about the weather or something small as usual. I didn’t pull out those sheets from last week yet, I was a lil hesitant since I think she was going through some of the other stuff on her desk and I kinda thought maybe I’d filled in some of it wrong or badly, but there’s no such thing..! I actually did all those sheets the same day I wrote the previous post hehe, or well, at least 80% of them and then finished em off the day before the app, yay! No leaving till the very last-ish! :D

She told me similar stuff to last time about how far I’d come since she first met me, she told me I was like a deer in headlights or something along those lines, timid and unsure and so on, but now was able to express myself better and even got better at stuff like making eye contact more. It was nice to receive the praise she gave and to be assured that I had actually improved some ^^ I know my family has been noticing my efforts and the general mood at home has been a little more chipper, it’s feels so much nicer and motivating c:

We went and looked at this goal sheet she filled in for me near the beginning where my goals were things like ‘to be myself around others’ and I rescored them all lower than they were originally, I didn’t lie and make out like I magically improved, I just went with what I felt and it was right and anyways it was definitely better than previous. This sheet is probably just for her record but showed me I had gotten much closer to my goals and could probably reach them so long as I continue trying.

She asked me again what I am planning to do once I am left to my own devices and we discussed the volunteering/getting work experience stuff again and she tried recommending me this site which could possibly be helpful but tbh it really didn’t seem that great and even she kind struggled to navigate to relevant stuff on it. Her field is not in employment and volunteering and stuff though so although the resource wasn’t the best, it was nice to know a little more at least. I was kinda dying a little inside and this took up a big chunk of the session, she advised me to contact this volunteer organisation and set up an appointment, I feel kinda idk iffy about it, I don’t want to avoid but I feel like maybe I’ll check around for other stuff first. I mean she can’t check on me no mores, but I shouldn’t chicken out or forget this advice because it is important.

I uh, I plucked up the courage and whipped out those sheets I did from last week and I read over them to her and she agreed on a lot of the stuff I wrote (things like how am I different, how did I achieve this behaviour/feeling etc.) and I accidentally left one of the things blank but she helped me fill it in and add to a few that I got a lil confused on lol. I was told to keep these sheets for my own reference. There was a sheet on relapse and relapse prevention I filled in also, reading this in future can probably help me clear my head and get back on track along with the other stuff I guess, though I hope I won’t veer off track in the first place you know ^^”

There was this bit where she thanked me, i can’t remember the exact reason or wording but it was probably for attending and for trying and for opening up to her and I also thanked her back and I kept wondering should I offer her a hug or something but I didn’t wanna be awks or overstep any boundaries. She offered me a handshake with both her hands around mine and said something like ‘this is how we do it here’ or something to do with being professional and then I super felt like I shouldn’t bring up the hug thing cause it’ll be too much lol .__. but who knows... Idk I wimped out on it, but it was something silly I guess, though because I didn’t try, I won’t know how it would’ve gone and it’s too late now, oh welp. Anyways she sees and helps so many people, the time period with each person is short, it’s no biggie, no need to get overly personal and attached I guess. I’m just glad that I got across that I was thankful and super appreciative of her help and that’s enough.

Instead in my efforts to sort of redeem my courage, I thought I’d ask her why she became a mental health nurse even though I was afraid that I might sound nosey, but I was genuinely curious and was assuming it would be something nice and motivational and so I went ahead and asked. She explained her mother was also one and she was always around and felt she wanted to help people too and so she did or something along those lines. I kind of knew it would be something like this, but it is nice to hear and heartwarming all the same. Conversation goes two ways of course too, it was good practice to try and ask things about others. 

There was a time in the past where I wanted to be a counsellor (or special learning tutor), my motivation was to help people like myself, so they wouldn’t have to struggle or feel the way I do. As you can tell, I didn’t get there, but it’s okay, because goals change and motivations change, there still some time to go and aim for new and maybe some other past goals too!

I met back up with my sis and mum and I was a lil sulky cause I didn’t get to go to this shop I was planning to go to lol but I was dying of hunger so going home and eating before I passed out was the ideal option anyways. I actually went back out again with my sister some time later that day and went to the shop I wanted to go and some others and went to the supermarket too ^^ 

Oh, this was after I went to my regular docs app where the doc was super super nice as always and he prescribed a super low low dosage of an anti-depressant as advised by the neurology specialist I saw last time. I’ve only taken it a few days so I am unsure about it’s effect or well, it’s probably too early to say much about it, but I think it does help somewhat? I feel less pained in my head when I wake up, though this could also be because I’ve been drinking water when I awaken too, you know, dehydration causes headaches. I feel pretty foggy rn though @^@ Probably just my oversleeping though. I’m glad I take it at night so even if it does make me feel sleepy, it doesn’t matter lol. Haha oh yeah, that new habit app I have been kinda using, I keep forgetting to check it and tick off the things I’ve done lol >_<”

Whoa my memory is so bad, idk if I should write some more of this week’s stuff of to leave it to next week, or will I have forgotten it then hmm... I’ll just write it briefly I guess. There were lots of times where I had things I needed to sort out but kinda just delayed them but the past few days I just went ahead and emailed and phoned and live chatted and got them almost all sorted out. I got a lil confused at times, but just tried my best with writing and asking things and it went fine. If you don’t try you don’t know, nothing ventured nothing gained! Oh and I baked a bit more stuff too! Omnomnom! :3

There’s still a lot of things I have to sort out and I’m feeling all sorts of stressed and frustrated about it, but I’ll get there, I can do it! Calmly collect your thoughts but don’t overthink, just go go go! No matter what the outcome is, you tried and you learned something new! Okay, Imma go do the stuff!

Have a great evening! Try your best! Oh, and awkward hugs for everybody haha! C:

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too  lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^ 

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc. 

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all. 

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

[sanguinesprout]

A little possibility of sunshine between rain showers (group therapy prep, updates n blah)

Hmm, sooo...! Last month has been quite dreary, much like my mood and I feel like not much interesting stuff happened, but let’s see...

The main thing was I had a small phone chat with the group therapy person, it was just for them to get an idea if the therapy would suit and be beneficial to me so I did one of those depression/anxiety scale things that I’ve done many times before and told them my ratings. They totalled it up and welp, severe depression and anxiety ahoy! As it’s always been, ugh. This was also done because after therapy they wanna see if my scores improve.

While on the phone I was kinda nervous and before that was just dreading having to do a phone call. What made it worse was my sis came in the room and was bustling about for the majority of the call, it felt really uncomfortable and I was kinda annoyed at my sis, because I told her about this appointment well in advance, but she said she was too busy doing her own stuff and didn’t hear any of the stuff that was said...

After they explained a bit more about the group therapy course they invited me in to talk even more about it the next week. Tbh it felt mostly ehhh and long-windedly unnecessary and repetitive but knowing some extra small details about the kinda stuff to go over and the person that will be there kinda makes me feel more prepared and at ease I guess? That probably sounded super ungrateful...

The basic gist is that there will be 8 weekly sessions in total that will go over some different thought pattern/behaviours that will hopefully lead to healthier and more positive ways of thinking. I was assured that it has been very effective for most and even saw some short testimonials of previous attendees on a print out that looked quite promising. I filled in some other small quiz sheets too.

Oh, before I forget, when on the phone I briefly got asked about my sort of worries and background and I remember mentioning the possibility of having AVPD and the reaction was kinda... hmm... well, they said something like that labelling isn’t such a good thing for most and diagnosis doesn’t actually lead very far in terms of resolving it, as it doesn’t have a special treatment specific to it. I already know this, but it’s more so just like the confirmation that something has been affecting me/has a name would put me at ease a little.

In the in-person talk this was kinda brung up again and they told me about what they kinda knew about it and the same sort of short discussion happened but they were very understanding about it and said that maybe I do have it, but in the case of any personality disorder to not let myself think it’s forever and that in studies they saw, people have actually been able to overcome them some years later. (Or maybe it’s something to do with age too, like I have heard that it can lessen over time before, who knows~) Either way, it’s always best to keep a positive outlook!

My initial impression of the therapy course and person running it is pretty alright so far. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much incase it doesn’t work out that well for me, but as I said in my last post, I’ve got to at least give it a try! 

Compared to the 1-on-1 therapy this actually sounds less stressful, like there’s no pressure to do things or say things or have written homework type stuff. I’m still worried about being around other people, talking in front and to them and about feelings/thoughts especially, but as said before and seen in the testimonials, we’re all pretty much in the same boat and we’re all just human the same.

When I mentioned this time’s therapy to my mum this time she didn’t really have much of a reaction, but I felt she didn’t mind it and had maybe some silent/respectful support kind of thing going on as she and my sis took me there and decided to shop til I was done. I know she cares and worries about me a lot and I did progress a little from last time’s counselling, maybe she changed her view on it since then, that’s great.

Talking about my mum, her health is still not great (though better than before) and I am worried the hospital has still not contacted for further examination or news like they said they would. She has mentioned this to the doctors and they are to write to them on her behalf though, I hope they have not forgotten about her :c Both my parents are so worrisome. My dad is still not making any changes to his lifestyle, sacrificing comfort things in the present for good health in the future just doesn’t seem to be on the table for him. I know it’s hard to do this but me and my sis are just still so concerned.

In job related news, nothing much has happened. I’ve applied to some things, mostly repeats of ones I never heard back from and got a few rejections for others. Job prospects is still looking bleak as ever. My sis ended up quitting her recent additional job because it just wasn’t worth the damage to her health and my family and me are glad she did. Her experience was not so great, but at least she tried it and knows what it’s like now (pretty trashy lol).

In my own health updates, ugh... more and more bad stuff just keeps piling on, but at least I’ve been getting it checked out. I need to make more changes to my own lifestyle too. I’m hoping that if a lot of my long term physical health are actually caused or exacerbated by my mental health that they’ll be alleviated somewhat when I get my mental health more on track. C’mon group therapy, do your magic! Kidding, it should be silly self, fight fight fight and toss those negative and unhealthy thoughts far out of orbit! Absorb and radiate all the positivity possible!

When talking on the phone to the group therapy person they did ask about any health problems and worries I had and as I’ve heard before, they have been linked to things like anxiety and depression, so it does make sense why both my mental and physical health seemed to get worse together, though it’s also kinda logical how one would affect the other. I just hope both improve soon!

In other news, I haven’t done much productive or creative/leisure stuff. I keep looking back on things I’ve already done and feeling a bit proud and motivated but then it just gets crushed again by my fears. Or I keep wanting to do something but feel it is a waste of time or I’m not in the mood/am lacking energy to do it. The first step to anything is always the most difficult, but overthinking before even doing that prevents it from happening at all. Don’t think just do! (Why is it so hard..?)

Well, I guess that’s all the updates I have for now. I was really considering stopping this blog again but it would just be bad and wasted effort. It was tough to get started but I wrote it! And I’ll keep writing and updating until I have gotten to the point where I really feel I don’t need to, ie. when things are really looking up and my troubles are gone lol. Who knows when that’ll be, but I gotta keep going!

The amount I write isn’t really all that much but it’s just so hard to get it out at first. But if I write exactly like how I do when I think to myself or as I think to myself it kinda feels more like transcribing rather than having to pull things outta thin air or maybe it’s my head full of air haha.

Anyways, the time to be more positive is always right now in the present! Doing anything is better than nothing at all! Overthinking is unnecessary! Believe in yourself and do all the stuff! Go go go!

Enjoy your summer!