#Marina deserved so much better than getting her pregnancy outed

[avantgardetheseventh]

I don't really intend on getting into Bridgerton but having watched the first season, I can safely say Marina Thompson deserves so much better.

Like she was easily one of the most interesting characters. When she talks about how she didn't have any guidance, nobody to show her the way, I literally wanted to cry. She had to make a whole new living for herself under the Featheringtons, everyone treated as if she didn't belong there, she had to treat her pregnancy all on her own.

I would have absolutely loved to see her actually get a decent conclusion instead of having her solemnly part ways. I also loved her friendship with Penelope initially and well..

[allkinds-oftrash]

To Lady Paige, With Love

A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first time writing for Bridgerton and Regency in general so hopefully it's not too OOC and modernized but do let me know if you have tips to make the writing style seem more regency-like.

Main Pairing: Eloise Bridgerton x FemOC! Paige Crane (Past! Marina Thompson x Paige Crane)

Anyways this came to me as an idea because I just could not stand Phillip in the original To Sir Phillip, With Love and big thanks to @ladiesofwinterfell whose Phillip posts only fuelled my need for a new version of TSPWL. So I wanted to try my hand at writing a genderbent version of him who softer and kinder in her approach when with Marina. Instead, I somehow made a completely new character who happens to be his twin sister Paige. I tried my best to follow the book very closely with of course changes to the point of view and how Marina is treated by Paige. Another thing to note is that I used a mix of the show (especially when crafting Marina's backstory it's straight out of S1) and book's background of the characters.

I'm going to stop babbling now, and happy reading everyone!

Content & Trigger Warnings: Mentions/Descriptions of (Postpartum) Depression, Implied Child Neglect, Suicide Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Teen Pregnancy (?? I dunno if this needed to be tagged as tw but Imma add it anyways), Death and Grief.

Part 2 - Chapter 1: Right Where You Left Me

Prologue: Take Me To The Lakes [14th February 1823]

It shouldn’t have been a sunny day. It was far too beautiful of a day for a tragedy to occur.

A tragedy on Valentine’s Day, it was almost laughable.

Paige had asked the servants to open up Marina’s curtains. She knew the sunlight would do her some good. While waiting for the kitchen staff to prepare a delightful breakfast of pancakes - Marina’s favourite - she decided to check on her flowers. She had grown a lovely patch of Eden roses, specially for her best friend.

Ever since her brother Phillip and her were children, they were enamoured with botany. Phil, of course, immersed himself in the science of it. Paige preferred simple gardening. If she needed information on more complex maintenance of their plants, she knew where to find his textbooks. Over the years, Paige had developed a thumb as green as her brother’s. While Philip used botany as an escape, Paige used it as a way to connect. It was the very same type of roses that helped Paige find her way to Marina.

September 1812

Marina Thompson was a sight to behold. Her corkscrew curls were half pinned up, allowing the bottom wave of curls to be free. Paige couldn’t help but be mesmerised at how well suited her hairstyle was. Marina had a side part, almost covering the left side of her face. She donned the most simple of peach day dresses. Yet to the Crane girl, it seemed to be the most beautiful piece of garment she could have worn. To this day, Paige swears she heard music swell around her the moment she saw Marina bent over, smelling the rose bush.

She takes a deep breath. It helped ground her to muster the confidence to approach the beautiful stranger. The Crane twins have always been shy and reserved. It had done nothing good for them. She was tired of letting life pass her by. Philip could hide in the bushes for all she cared. Today, Paige decided to make a choice. A choice that could potentially bring her happiness. She was going to talk to the girl who made her heart sing.

Taking baby steps, she finally reaches Marina and gives her an awkward smile. When she needed it most, words seemed to fail her. Marina felt Paige’s presence hovering and looked up. She smiled kindly at her and handed over a rose she had plucked. Paige looked down at the rose, in a slight panic. She was rooted to the ground, unable to say or move.

“Good evening, Miss…?” Marina kept her eyes trained on Paige. She trailed her greeting off, hoping to get a name. Paige immediately fell for the warmth in her eyes. She felt safe. That definitely helped to ease her up.

“Crane. Paige Crane.” She cleared her throat awkwardly before introducing herself. She takes the rose from Marina and the two girls shake hands. All Paige could think about was how warm and soft her hand felt. Struggling to say more, she turned her focus to the rose. She twirled it around in her fingers and looked at her companion.

“These are Eden roses, also known as Rosa ‘Pierre De Ronsard’ named after the French poet. However, it was far too pretentious of a name for those out of the French border. So it was renamed Eden Climber to convey the idea of paradise was created by the exceptional beauty of this rose.” She was acutely aware she was rambling. It was the way Marina was watching her intently that brought her comfort. Marina gave her a cheeky smile when she was done with the fun fact.

“An exceptionally beautiful rose for an exceptional beauty.” Marina gestured to Paige. The botanist’s cheeks started to turn as pink as the rose.

“Eden roses from the girl who seemed to have fallen from Eden.” She thought to herself...until she heard Marina chuckle. Paige stared at her, horrified. “I thought out loud, didn’t I?”

Marina nodded, laughing with her whole body now. If Paige could have bottled the sound, she would. Marina grinned at Paige as she looped her arm through hers.

“Don’t be embarrassed. That was a lovely compliment. I think we're going to be wonderful friends, Paige Crane.”

They have been inseparable since.

***

With Phillip away on business for the week, Paige made sure to spend extra time with Marina. She carefully cut the stems of the roses to make a small bouquet. She tied them together and brought them straight to the kitchen. She placed the roses by the pancake plate. She picked up the tray and made her way to Marina's room. She balanced the tray on one hand and knocked with the other as she crossed the threshold.

"Marina, are you awake, love?" Paige asked gently. She stepped closer to her and held out the roses. "I brought you your favourite roses too, Eden Climbers. An exceptional beauty for an exceptional beauty." She echoed the line from their first meeting.

It was love at first sight. She remembered how much fun they had together. Oh where had the time gone? She frowned when she noticed the curtains were shut again. She set down the breakfast tray by her nightstand before making herself comfortable next to Marina lying down.

"If you could walk to shut the curtains, you can sit up to have some breakfast. I had the chef make your favourite." Paige attempted to waft the smell of pancakes in the direction of her companion. Marina simply turned away and stared out at the window. Paige reached out to gently stroke her hair.

Marina had her good and bad days come and go. Paige knew she had to give her space and let her heal on her own. It had been 9 years….this was definitely more serious than postpartum. She was sure of it. Paige gave her a few more minutes before digging into the breakfast herself.

"Rina, I will finish all of the pancakes if you don't come get some!" Paige attempted to sound threatening but her meek voice did her no favours. She caught a silver of a smile on Marina's face. That was all she needed that day. They just had to get through this one moment at a time.

"I saw that, love. Would it be easier if I fed you?"

Marina managed a small nod. She detested feeling like this. Like she was constantly drowning. If everyone thought they couldn't understand why she was this way, she hadn't had the foggiest idea either. Most of all, she hated how it affected Paige. Marina knew she didn't deserve this. Paige deserved a whole person not the shell of a woman she had become. She let out a soft sight and did her utmost best to sit up slightly so they wouldn't get syrup all over the sheets.

Slowly and surely, one bite at a time, Marina finished a full pancake by herself. Paige beamed at her proudly after she was done. Marina took the moment to relish in her smile. Paige always made everything better. Marina might have been depressed but she was no fool. She knew what Phillip thought of her. Even if she spent most days unable to leave her bed, she saw the way he looked at her. Like she was a fragile, broken melancholic thing. He didn't see the person underneath. He only saw the shell. Paige… She knew Marina before the twins came along. She knew the true Marina. The one who laughed and smiled and had known joy. The Marina Thompson that loved Paige Crane with all her heart. That should be reason enough to work hard to recover. To retain who she once was. Paige should be enough.

The botanist saw her companion's vacant eyes and knew she was gone for the day. Paige smiled at her comfortingly. "I ought to check on the children. I shall leave you to rest, dearest. Do ring the bell should you need anything at all." She pressed a soft kiss against her forehead before taking her leave.

As she stepped out looking for the children, Miles directed her to Phillip's greenhouse. The children loved to make mischief there when their father wasn't there. She popped her head into the Greenhouse.

"Amanda! Oliver!" She said sharply to startle them. Seeing them jump out of their bones, she couldn't help but laugh. The twins turned to her and frowned.

"Aunt Paige, that's not funny!" They pouted at her. She snorted.

"Well it was pretty funny when you did it to me yesterday. I'm simply returning the favour, my dears." She chuckled, pulling them into her embrace.

Just as she was about to suggest playing hide and seek by the lake, Amanda squeals. "Mother!" She pointed behind Paige. Paige simply blinked at her niece before slowly turning around.

Marina? It couldn't be. She caught sight of a flash of red. Red. Paige smiled to herself as she shook her head. It must be her. Red was her favourite colour. Marina always said she liked it because it was a strong colour and it made her feel strong.

Paige was filled with joy. Marina had finally gotten the strength to step out. She grabs the children's hands to bring them over to their mother. It would do them good to spend time together outside of her room. The trio was halfway across the field when Paige worked out exactly why Marina had come out. The horrifying epiphany clicked when she saw Marina slip rocked into the pockets of her dress. She immediately turned to the children. They did not have to witness this.

“Children, I need you to do me a favour.” She put on her most calming smile. She kept looking back at Marina to see how far she was away from the lake. “Could you be dears and please fetch Miles for me? Then I need you to go and play in your room. Your mother and I need to speak privately.”

“Why is she walking to the lake?” Amanda questioned. Paige tried to keep her composure. If the children kept questioning, she wouldn’t be able to reach Marina in time.

“I will explain later, please get Miles. It’s urgent.” Paige sent them off running while she sprinted in the other direction the moment they were out of sight.

“MARINA, STOP!” She bellowed at her best friend. She skidded across the field and fell face flat just yards away from the lake. Marina was completely oblivious, submerging herself into the depths of the lake. It was just her and the magnetic pull of the lake. It was like Paige wasn’t even there. She quickly recovered. She didn’t waste time undressing and dove straight into the icy waters to rescue Marina. She’ll be damned if she was going to let the love of her life go without a fight.

She couldn’t find her. Marina had dropped off to the deep end and Paige felt like she couldn’t breathe. She could never forgive herself if Marina succeeded. A glimmer of hope shone through when she caught sight of Marina’s ruby red cloak floating to the surface. Before it could get sucked into the depths of the lake, Paige screamed Marina’s name one last time as an attempt to snap her out of it. Of course, Marina couldn’t hear her. Paige set her sight on the flash of red and swam to it.

Paige did the math; Marina had been under barely a minute. It was probably not enough time to drown, but every second it took her to find Marina was one second toward her death.

She remembered swimming in the lakes with Phillip when they were children countless times. While he still swam and knew the lake better than she did. She had a vague idea where the bottom dropped off. She felt relief when she quickly found the critical point with swift, even strokes. The main obstacle was her dress working against the drag of the water, slowly her down. She cursed, not having stripped before she went in. She did her best to overcome it. Saving Marina was far too important.

She told herself she could find her. She had to find her. Before it was too late.

She found herself diving further down the murky waters. She struggled to keep her eyes open with some of the sand from the bottom swirling around her. Marina must have kicked it up as she went down. The opaque clouds of sand were making it difficult to see. Eventually, relief washed over Paige again when she spotted Marina’s red dress.

She didn’t hesitate to shoot through the waters, down to the bottom where she saw the red of her

cloak floating through the water. Paige felt her heart slow down the moment Marina was in her arms. While they were both petite women, Paige did struggle initially to swim up with Marina. Slowly but surely, she forged their way to the surface. Once she had pulled her onto the grassy knoll of the meadow, she had already lost consciousness and was nothing more than a dead weight in Paige’s arms. She took a moment to take big gasps to fill her aching lungs once again. She made sure she was okay herself before turning to save Marina.

Paige tried shaking her awake, rather violently to get the water out of Marina’s system. Just as she started chest compressions, Miles came running over.

“What happened?”

“She...fell in.” She didn’t even look up at him. She hated how her voice trembled as she said that out loud. She couldn’t bring herself to admit that Marina had gone in on purpose. Marina had chosen to leave her. She knew it was hard on her love but she refused to think about it presently. She was too busy trying to revive her. When the chest compressions felt like a failed task, Paige turned to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She blew the air into her mouth, hoping the water would come up her throat.

“Marina, please.” Paige pleaded as she finished her set of resuscitation. All she could do was wait. She finally turned to look at Miles, “Miles darling, could you help me send someone to fetch the doctor.” She requested, exhausted clear in her voice. He nodded swiftly and set on his task. Just as he turned to head to Romney Hall, Marina coughed up the water and started rasping. Paige gasped and squealed in surprise, launching herself into Marina’s arms. She called Miles back to help her guide Marina back home.

“You came back to me.” She whispered with relief, starting to softly sob against Marina’s chest. Marina was tired and she could barely keep her eyes open. Her head lulled against Paige’s.

“It’s okay, we’re going home.” Paige continued and Marina stirred, frowning.

“No…” Now it was her turn to sob, “Please don’t. Let me go, Paige. I don’t want...I don’t….” She struggled to get the words out. As much as she felt guilty for putting Paige through this whole ordeal, her pain outweighed that. The pain outweighed everything: her love for Paige, the children, even Phillip - as much as he misunderstood her. It outweighed her will to love.

Paige watched her flounder helplessly. She hated seeing Marina in so much turmoil. She didn’t want to say anything to make it worse. She just held her close and brushed her hair soothingly. “It’s alright. Let’s just get you warmed up first.”

“I can’t.” She whispered with the last ounce of energy before passing out in Paige’s arms. Paige looked down at her sadly for a moment before looking up at Miles. She shot him a sheepish look and gestured for help. Miles carried her in his arms easily while Paige just watched her with worry the whole walk back.

Once they reached Romney Hall’s foyer, she instructed Miles to send a telegram to Phillip informing him of Marina’s condition. She also called for their housekeeper, Mrs. Hurley. After she had gotten Mrs. Hurley to help her strip Marina of her drenched clothes, the older woman practically shoved Paige to her own room to change into dry clothes. She argued with her, refusing to leave Marina alone for even a moment.

“Go on, dear, I’ll be with her until you return.” Mrs. Hurley shooed Paige out of the room. She huffed and obliged. She dashed to her room to quickly change out of her own icy clothes.

She found one of her old dresses, it was a yellow floral one that Marina loved so much. Marina used to tell her that it brought out the golden flecks in her brown eyes. Paige never liked her brown haired-brown eyed look and found herself to be plain looking. It was only when Marina came along, she felt seen. Maybe being plain didn’t matter when someone loved you in spite of it. Hopeful the dress would stir up old memories, Paige stepped into Marina’s bedroom nervously. She said a silent prayer for her to be well. That the 7 minutes didn’t do that much damage.

Marina was sleeping soundly when Paige entered the room. She couldn’t help but smile at how at peace Marina looked. At that moment, she understood why Marina spent so much time hiding away and sleeping. This was probably the only place in the house that brought her peace. Sleeping brought her peace.

She had Miles check on the twins before she settled into staying by Marina’s side. She wanted to be there every step of her recovery. Then after, they could get her some real help. The twins were plenty occupied with their playtime for the day. While waiting for the doctor, Paige slipped into the bed by Marina’s side. She cradled her head against her chest and prayed. Even though she was a woman of science and was the type of Christian that only attended church during Christmas, praying was one comfort of her religion she allowed herself. She prayed for all her wishes for Marina. For her happiness, recovery...for the good times to hopefully return. As she wished, hoped and prayed, she found herself falling asleep.

When the night came and brought the doctor along with it, Paige woke with a start at the feverishly warm body beside her. The panic set in and the doctor did his best to soothe her. He coaxed her out of the bed so he could check on Marina. Paige was more than happy to oblige but stood hovering over the doctor’s shoulder the whole time.

When he diagnosed her with pneumonia, Paige’s heart sank. That was definitely going to finish the job Marina set out to do in the lake. He saw her expression and comforted her by saying she could very well recover. Essentially, it was a waiting game. Paige made peace with those odds, she would gladly take all the time in the world with her. She spent the rest of the night and the next three days nursing her. She dabbed wet cloth after cloth against her warm forehead. Made sure she had the fluffiest pillows and duvet. She specially had the cook make all of her favourite dishes to go with the broth Marina detested.

Paige wanted to tell her to fight but she didn’t want to push her. Instead she spent the last few days together, helping Marina remember the woman she once was and could be again. Paige wanted her to remember to fight for herself.

The morning after, she sat by Marina’s bedside and smiled tenderly at her.

“Do you remember our first season together?” She asked, her elbow propped against the mattress, her face resting on her palm.

Marina turned to her and looked straight into her eyes. For a moment, she was lucid. “Of course,” She said, coarsely. Paige smiled, that was the best response she had gotten from her in the last few months.

“Best and worst year of our lives, I’d reckon. I was so certain I finally had the courage to tell you how I felt. Only for me to find out you were besotted with George and was pregnant with his child!” She could chuckle about it now but she remembered feeling so awful.

Paige Crane has always known she was different in that aspect. None of the boys growing up ever caught her attention. When she became a woman, out during her first season, she couldn’t relate to the way other girls had talked about their suitors. Nothing about the male species ever stirred anything romantic within her. They were just really good friends to her. Women, on the other hand, gave her all the feelings the human emotional spectrum allowed. She wanted to love them and worship them forever. When she met Marina at Romney Hall for the first time smelling the rose bushes, it had confirmed everything she already knew. She loved women. A regular Anne Lister.

She spent a few years loving Marina until her father had sent her away to stay with her London cousins, The Featheringtons. When she heard Marina was moving, she immediately sought out her mother.

“I couldn’t bear to part with you so I convinced Mother to let me debut that season in the city.” She chuckled, recounting the lengths she went to be close to her.

“I’m glad you did.” Marina croaked, the water still hurting her lungs. Now that she felt like speaking to Paige, her body was failing her. She managed a small smile and slipped her hand into hers. She definitely remembered their first season together. It was the best time… til everything quickly went downhill with the news of George’s death, being pregnant with the twins and feeling so alone. Paige was the light in all of that darkness, she had helped pull her out of the loneliness.

Paige grinned back wildly. "I think that's the first full sentence I've heard you speak in the last few months." She nudged her teasingly.

"Oh hush." She attempted to be annoyed but started coughing violently. Paige immediately shot up.

"I'm going to fetch the doctor."

"I just need some water, darling." She coughed once more. Then took a deep breath and managed a smile to show she was fine, despite her exhaustion. Paige nodded and went to fetch her a glass.

As Marina watched Paige walk out the door, she thought back to how much everything had changed in the last 10 years. It only felt like yesterday they had debuted and Marina had tried to marry Colin Bridgerton. Oh, what a mess that was. She was so consumed by her love and grief for George, she missed what was right in front of her.

It took Marina a long time to realise it but she loved men and women the same. Paige was definitely the first woman to stir up romantic feelings within her. It also took her a while to realise loving Paige doesn't count the love she held for George. He would always be the father of her children. Paige was the love of her life.

She never expected to be like this. She always thought she would be a good mother, full of life and happy. Happy was such an overrated emotion, Marina thought bitterly. It's not something that happens, it's something you work for. You make happiness for yourself. She knew that all too well. She spent the better part of the last decade fighting off her grief and postpartum with no success.

Paige reminded her to take comfort in the good days. It was rather jarring to Martina how she was experiencing a somewhat good day after all these months. Especially the day right after she made an attempt on her life.

"Penny for your thoughts, darling?" Paige asked, handing over the glass. Marina gulp it down quickly and set the cup aside.

"Just...how we got here. I thought it would be…" she ponders over the word, "different."

"Hmm," Paige hummed, "You're telling me. We could have had quite the life if I was a man. I could have married you instead of Phillip." She wrinkled her nose. She really does love her brother, Lord only knows. And Paige is pretty sure it's a crime to hate your twin. But she absolutely despised the way Phillip treats Marina. Or rather not - he completely abandoned her in the last few years.

It's no secret that Phillip and Marina's marriage was one of convenience, security and protection for Marina. Of course, Romney Hall needed heirs and so two birds. But, he could at least pretend to care for her.

"I could have become a spinster like you. We could have been the two crazy spinsters that lived in Romney Hall together." Marina chuckled. Paige beamed at her. It had been so long since she had heard that wondrous laugh.

"I'm not a spinster!" She clasped Marina's hands in hers. "We may not be married on paper but I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I can't imagine...loving anyone else." Paige looked deep into her eyes. Marina shivered slightly. Her lover had a way of looking directly into your soul.

Paige knew what the doctor had said. That Marina could possibly recover but her gut was telling her something else. She was hit with the sudden realisation that she could lose her. The love of her life.

"Please fight this, Marina. I know you can. Look at today, it was a good day. You just need to survive the pneumonia and you can start over. We'll erase the last 7 years. Slowly but surely, we can manage your melancholy. You're so much more than it, my love. You know that. Your children deserve to know that."

Paige didn't realise how increasingly desperate she sounded until she began pleading with her. She found her face wet with fresh tears. Marina reached out to wipe the tears of her face.

"I'll try." She said quietly.

"That's all I ask, thank you. I love you, Marina." She leaned over to kiss her. Kissing her back, Marina sighed against her lips. "I love you too."

That night Marina lied awake, watching Paige's chest rise up and down. Marina smiled at her little snores. Just as she felt a glimmer of happiness laying beside her love, the guilt washed over her. She didn't want to promise anything. While today reminded her of the hope she felt to feel alive, deep down she knew it was temporary. She couldn't see herself living past tomorrow.

Sure enough, she was dead in two days.

****

[Read Part 2 Here]

[firequeers]

Station 19 Season 4 ending/ Season 5 hopes under cut along with random fandom feels 

Overall, I actually REALLY liked the ending of the season. I feel like the episode covered a fair amount of ground decently considering how pressed for time. I obviously think it could have been better, but the timeline was just so off for the season. I think they did the best with the set up they had.

The writing was a bit all over the place this season. None of it was really bad, there were some AMAZING scenes and monologues, but it kinda seemed like all the writers weren’t talking to one another. The episodes didn’t always mesh well together, especially after the winter hiatus. 

I am a FIRM believer that Maya knew something was coming her way - now IDK if she thought she was gonna be relieved of duty, but I rewatched the scene she made the call to save Zaza (spelling?) and I think it was a very calculated move despite the risk. She knew she was going to get reprimanded. It was a subtle build up, but they’ve had a lot of hints at the higher ups not really taking super well to a woman in chage.

Additionally, there were multiple instances this season they had Maya verbally reiterate that being captain isn’t the most important thing anymore. She was willing to risk it when she went after Andrew and Carina, she wasn’t quite there with the sex traffickers when they arrested Dean and Sullivan - but the cogs were in motion. She even said something about how not being on the track is okay.

Marina wedding was cute enough, loved the dancing. It could have been better, sure. But tbh I have little complaints.

I’m still unsure how I feel about Miller/Vic but I do sort of wish they let Miller shoot his shot, give him at the very least - some closure. This man has had a rough fucking go this year but has made it through it all amazingly. I just want what is best for him. Dean has such a level head on his shoulders, I really hope one day he gets a leadership position in the station.

Travis and Vic’s heart to heart about Theo and Emmett was really cute. I feel like we lost some friendship dynamics throughout season 4 - there was just less about being friends and more about the system and covid and romantic relationships. I liked seeing that core friendship survive it all. Theo and Vic are cute enough, def not endgame in my eyes and I do want Vic to just be single for a bit. But I get what they’re doing. I think Theo is more for Travis’s development than Vic’s.

Emmett and Travis are cute, I don’t love or hate them. I do just wish we had some slow burn on this show aside from Dean/Vic - but that’s one sided.

Jack and Inara’s breakup tbh was great. I think it’s an awesome send off for Inara - letting her go on her terms, ya know? I just don’t want them to throw Jack at Andy right away. Like if it eventually happens cool but right now? No.

SULLIVAN. UGH. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU MAN. AND YOU HAD TO DO THAT. I’M MAD. For me it’s not just that he betrayed, Maya (bc yes she took him in but idt the man has to be indebted to her forever) but he offered himself. He elevated himself so much, wanting to skip the line. If Maya can’t be captain why isn’t it Jack or Andy? Or a LT from another station? Sullivan doesn’t deserve it yet. I wanted Sullivan to work his way up the right way.

BUT I ALSO HATE HOW PPL REALLY SHOW THEIR FUCKING RACISM WITH SULLIVAN. There are so many valid reasons to be mad at Sullivan or dislike him but I made the mistake of going in the twitter tags after the finale and people are fucking gross and racist.

I feel like we got a taste of old Andy back the last episode - like season 1&2 competing for captaincy Andy, ya know? There was a fire to her. I just wish we got answers about her pregnancy and some details on her family situation. Also can we discuss how FUCKING FINE ANDY LOOKED AT THE WEDDING? She had the best look hands down.

One of my favorite scenes of the episode was Vic and Carina - I just wish there was a mention of Andrew. 

Katherine Bishop is adorable. Vic’s parents are goals. Bailey is amazing. Theo is a cutie. The fucking end.

I hope next season has a time jump with flashbacks.

Main things I want for season 5:

Give Carina DeLuca storylines and friends 

More Vic!!!!!!! More more more Vic!!! Give her stories outside of men (including Travis)

Introspection into Sullivan - I think there is slightly more at play then we have been given.

More fires

Resolution/closure to Dean/Vic

More Dean conflict with raising Pru/JJ’s parents 

Jack finding his foster siblings and not throwing himself at another woman

Travis’s mom finding out about her husband

More of Andy’s family!

Episodes addressing why Maya and Sullivan became firefighters - they’ve done everyone else but them

PRT!!!!

More Ben scenes - especially if it involves Ben and his boys, I love that dynamic. I also wouldn’t mind seeing more of Ben’s sister. 

A new probie

[probably-writing-x]

Admittance pt.4

Guzmán x Reader

Request by anon: Hi~ Do you think that Admittance (Guzman x Reader) can be turned into a mini series??? Basically just drabbles about reader's pregnancy..

Gif is not my own

Requests are open🤍

The next few weeks went comfortably smoothly as your pregnancy continued. Guzmán had ended up staying at yours more often than not and you found yourself reaching the end of your first trimester. You could notice more and more in yourself how the little things had changed. And gradually, your bump began to inevitably grow. It was Guzmán who mentioned it first - glancing down at your stomach like he feared your reaction if he mentioned it. You’d done your best to cover up where you could and tried to limit anybody seeing as much as possible. Telling Guzmán, telling your family, that all seemed doable. But telling the remaining group at Las Encinas? You’d avoid it for as long as you could. Though, certain focused eyes at school couldn’t hold off for too long.

It was Rebeca that noticed first, laughing at how you’d worn a jumper over your uniform.

“Anyone would think you’ve got something to hide!” She jokes, “Anything you want to tell us?”

You couldn’t act quick enough to hide the blush on your cheeks.

“Fuck!” She leans forward in the chair, “Are you pregnant (Y/n)?”

Ander and Omar both look up with widened eyes, watching the secret unfold that they’d been keeping for weeks now. Samuel looks at you with the same expression as Rebeca - pure and utter shock. Guzman’s jaw clenches and so do his fists.

“I-“ You fumble a little, “I... yeah, I am.”

“Holy shit (Y/n)!” Rebeca exclaims, “You’re full of surprises. How far along are you?”

“Thirteen weeks,” You say bashfully, looking down at your hands.

“Summer fling, huh?” She laughs, “Well, congrats!”

“How are you feeling?” Samuel asks, his brows furrowing.

Guzmán walks over and clasps him on the shoulder, “I’m sure a thousand questions from you is the last thing she needs.”

You look at him and gulp down the lump in your throat.

“Come on, we’ll be late for class,” Guzmán encourages and waits for the two of them to get up.

You watch them whisper to each other as they walk away and Ander, Omar and Guzmán all crowd around you.

“They were bound to find out eventually,” You shrug, standing up from the table, “We should go.”

Omar and Ander look at you sympathetically before they walk out, Ander muttering something to Omar that you assumed would be his typical protective attitude.

“(Y/n),” Guzmán stops you by grabbing your hand, “It’s okay, you know?”

You glance down at his hand over yours. The two of you still hadn’t spoken about that kiss at the hospital. What would you say? How would you question something that was supposed to mean nothing?

“If anyone says a thing, you tell me okay?” He assures you, “I won’t have anyone be rude.”

You laugh a little, “They don’t even know you’re the father.”

“They will do if they get on the wrong side of you, understood?” He says the words with a smile and you know he’s trying to make you feel better. Though you also knew he meant what he said. He wouldn’t dare let anyone disrespect you or that baby.

- - - - - -

Things took a turn when Christmas started to approach and all of the Las Encinas students started to return from their universities. Lu and Nadia came back from New York, Carla came home, and piece by piece the normal group started to reunite. Needless to say, news travelled fast about your pregnancy - nobody knowing who the father was but plenty of people placing their moneyless bets. You’d heard talk around the school as more and more people learnt of your news but you tried to keep yourself away from it as much as possible. As did Guzmán. He made sure to stick to his word and talk down anyone who made a snide comment. Ander had done the same to a few people too.

The swim gala would be the first time you’d seen everyone again. They’d all followed tradition and agreed to watch the gala as they would have done when they were students here. Guzmán was competing so you found it impossible to find an excuse not to attend. There was only so long you could hide from the students who’d known you for so many years. Only so long you could continue to be (Y/n) - not the pregnant one.

“Hey!” Omar grins when he sees you, standing up to give you a hug, “We got good seats.”

You smile and sit alongside him and Ander, “Did I miss anything?”

“Just Guzmán getting stressed because we’d left you home alone,” Ander rolls his eyes, “I told him exactly what you said.”

You roll your eyes, “He worries about everything.”

You knew he hadn’t trained as much for this as he should’ve done - he’d been spending too much time with you. But, no matter how much you encouraged him that he didn’t have to, he’d still be with you every morning and every night that he could. Once again, not faltering from his promise.

It doesn’t take long before the gala starts filling up with people and you notice a familiar crowd all enter. Lu, Nadia, Carla, Valerio, Malick... all of them filter through the door and take seats on the opposite side to you. You see their eyes go directly to you, your stomach, your changed appearance - before instantly turning to each other with hushed discussion. It’s only Nadia that comes over to greet you and give you her congratulations.

“I just wanted to say my congratulations, you must be so excited!” She smiles, “I’m sure nervous too but you’re more than capable of being an incredible mother.”

You smile fondly at her comment, “Thank you, I really appreciate it. What have the others said?”

She glances over her shoulder towards them and lets out a sigh, “They’re judgemental, you know they are. They’ve been talking about it nonstop. I’m sorry (Y/n), I guess they’re just not very accepting.”

“Yeah, no, it’s to be expected right?” You shake your head, “I’ll see you after, okay?”

She gives you a sympathetic look before going to take her seat as you sink back down into yours. How could you expect any different? They wouldn’t see you as their classmate anymore. They’d see you as the girl who had completely changed her future. Who had failed her year at school and now had practically set up to fail this year too. The girl with the random, meaningless summer fling that had resulted in life altering consequences. You weren’t (Y/n) to them anymore. You were the teenage Mum.

You try your best to dismiss it as the gala begins and the crowd erupts with cheers for different people, all sounding like drowned out noise to you. It feels like everything’s simply happening around you, up to when Guzmán walks out.

He pauses as he walks past you, a frown overshadowing his features, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” You assure him, “Good luck!”

He knows he can’t stop for any longer as he hurried to catch up with the rest of the swimmers as they board their platforms. His eyes glance over to the group on the other side and then back to you. Did he know? Had he seen them talking about you? How long would he put up with it when it was people that he cared about the opinions of, and not just a random kid from your year?

Despite his lack of training, Guzmán still manages to win his heat in a solid time as the other swimmers come in close behind him. It all looks so natural to him. Would your baby have the same athleticism?

He doesn’t worry about celebrating any sort of win or checking his time, he’s straight over to you and the boys. He crouches down in front of you and frowns.

“What’s going on?” He questions, scanning your face as worry spills over his skin.

You glance up and see the group on the other side all watching, evidently realising things they hadn’t done before.

He follows your eyes and watches them, his jaw clenching, “What did they say?”

“Nothing, honestly, it was nothing,” You encourage, “Come on, you’ve got more races to do. Don’t worry about it.”

He squeezes your leg and stands up, turning to Ander and Omar, “You come find me if anything happens, okay?”

It killed you. How would they react to him being the father? They’d always been closer friends to him than you’d been with them. Even with Lu as his ex girlfriend. He’d already lost Polo and Marina - could he survive losing all of his other friends just because of this baby?

As he walks the length of the pool, he keeps his eyes harshly focused on them and you know there are a thousand words he’s wishing he could say to all of their prying eyes. You’re relieved when Nadia keeps her head down - she hardly deserved to be caught in the crossfire.

- - - - - -

It’s after Guzmán comes second in the final that he clearly loses his patience with them. They’d done nothing but whisper amongst themselves about their supposed revelation and were treating you like the latest gossip and nothing more. He’d seen how it was getting to you and there was only so long that he could watch that as a bystander, and not the man who’d promised to shut down anybody who was disrespectful. Especially when they mattered to you.

He walks past the group one last time and stops in front of them. Oh god.

“Do you think this is funny?” He questions, eyebrows raised as water drips down from his hair, “Who do you think you are?”

He’s met with silence.

“You come back from university and, what? You’re suddenly all superior than us idiots that re-sat the year?” He scoffs, “But you just can’t help getting yourself caught up in some high school drama when one of your classmates is pregnant.”

Lu purses her lips, somewhat enjoying the demise of her ex more than she should do.

“Whatever you think, whatever stories you’ll come up with for how this all happened, it doesn’t matter,” Guzmán shakes his head, “Because you can get your fancy degrees from your top universities and start these careers that you think will shape the world... But I’ll tell you for certain, (Y/n) will do more with her life than you ever will. She’ll shape the life of that baby. Sure, we didn’t plan for this. But there isn’t anyone better I could imagine to be the mother to my child.”

It’s Ander that goes over to stop him, “Come on man, it’s not worth it.”

“What? You think it’s a shock that the baby’s mine?” He laughs, brushing off your brother, “Use that to fuel your gossip then, your petty, worthless gossip. But leave (Y/n) and our baby out of it. They’re worth a lot more than your whispering.”

Omar glances across to you from his seat and squeezes your hand like he’s trying to reassure you of the exact same point. It still felt weird to hear Guzmán talk about you like that. ‘Our baby’. Did he really think that highly of you? Or was it all just to silence them? You’d believe it was the latter, but something about the way he’d acted through this entire process made you have a slight leaning towards the prior.

You didn’t need to have the support of all of them. Instead, you watch Nadia stand up from her seat and come over to join you and her brother. And the five of you leave together. Not needing to explain yourself more than Guzmán already had.

- - - - - -

“Who do they fucking think they are?” Guzman’s lost his composure by the time he’s out of their earshot, “They’re sat there with smug looks on their face! What? Because they think we’ve ruined our lives? Bullshit!”

“Guzmán, calm down,” Ander sighs, holding his chest to stop him from launching back into that pool room and kicking off at them again, “You’ve said what you needed to say.”

“She doesn’t deserve seeing them act like that Ander! Don’t you think she’s already dealing with enough?!”

“Guzmán!” You exclaim as you come through the door, followed by Omar and Nadia.

Ander takes a step back and lets you take the lead, knowing you now had more power over his best friend than he did.

“It’s fine. You said it yourself, it’s worthless gossip,” You say, “I’m fine, the baby’s fine - isn’t that enough?”

He sighs and pulls you to him, wrapping his arms around you as his damp body sticks against your clothes, “I’m so sorry.”

“For sticking up for us?” You laugh, “Yeah that was a real dick move,” You roll your eyes sarcastically.

“You know what I mean,” He scoffs, “But you’re okay, yeah?”

“We’re fine, we said we should go and get some food. All five of us,”

Guzmán looks over your shoulder to see the other three stood together. That was more than enough. Three people that were willing to completely support the three of you. And for the first time in a long time, Guzman’s surrounded solely by good people. It’s refreshing.

“Yeah, I’ll go and get ready,” He nods, “I’ll meet you outside.”

He leaves you with a gentle kiss on your forehead before turning to walk into the changing rooms.

- - - - - -

Later that day, the five of you find yourselves crowding round a table for four at a cafe in town. You catch up with Nadia about New York, and she assures you that there’s always an open invite. You all decide on going over at some point, after the baby’s born. Guzmán gives you his jacket because your clothes were still damp from his impromptu hug and, somewhere along the line, Guzman’s arm falls around you like it’s so natural to be there. Maybe it’s when you’re all squeezing together to make room for Ander to sit down, he was just trying to make more room. Or maybe it’s when Nadia says about how proud she is of how maturely you’ve been handling the situation, or when Omar mentions the fear you’d had at that night at the hospital. All of these moments that could’ve been the cause. Or maybe Guzmán just felt it was right. Either way, it feels so utterly comfortable to be surrounded by all of them.

“Do you have a photo of the scan?” Nadia asks excitedly, “I completely forgot to ask!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got one,” Guzmán nods, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his wallet.

He gets out the printed photo that was safely tucked into one side of the leather casing. It was your most recent scan - the first proper one. At twelve weeks.

“Here,” He hands it over, “So there’s the little arm and that right there is the head.”

Nadia looks at it in awe and mentions something about how tiny all of its features are as Omar leans over to look too. You instead turn to Guzmán and see how proud he looks. He still has a small smile on his lips and he’s leaning over the table like he can’t possibly take his eyes away from the photo for a moment. He looks brighter, his freckles more prominent, his eyes warm.

It doesn’t take him long to notice your lingering gaze.

“You okay?” He asks, eyes flicking down to your belly as they always did.

“Yeah,” You hold back a grin, “I’m good.”

Guzmán smiles and sits back in his chair, hand finding yours as your fingers lace together with such ease.

[millennialsimsproductions]

“I’m telling you, Mareen, it would be great,” Rowan teased to the pounding of rain against their roof.

“Really? An underwater wedding?” Marina deadpanned, fingers flying over her keyboard. The diamond on her engagement ring winked in the cheap overhead lights of the kitchen. “Layered skirts of our wedding dresses weighed down by pounds of ocean water? Not just our makeup, but the makeup of our guests sopping down our faces? Not to mention ruined hairdos, and the fact that no one can hold their breath long enough to get through the entire ceremony.”

Rowan let the fridge door close as she stared at the back of her fiancee’s head. “You’ve gotten way more graphic since you started writing this new book.”

“It’s a thriller/horror,” Marina replied.

“That explains it.” From across her desk, Rowan’s cell beeped. She’d emailed a wedding dress boutique to schedule a fitting, and she hoped it was them, finally getting back to her.

But she got as far as the edge of her desk, because then she looked out the window.

And saw a head of hair in a style she hadn’t seen in a very long time. Not since she threw it out of her house for overstaying its welcome.

And it was heading down their steps, toward the mailboxes and the basement.

“Um...Mareen, I think...” she blinked, tried to lean forward but he was out of his window’s view. “I like Leon just went down our stairs.”

“Leon...your ex-boyfriend Leon? Who was an emotionally manipulative asshole?” Marina came over to stare out the window herself. “I can’t see anything.”

“...Me either.” Rowan backed away from the window, then rushed upstairs to grab her raincoat. “Hang out.”

“Are you gonna go outside and meet him?” Marina demanded, astonished. “Rowan, you can’t do that.”

“What if he’s riffling through our mail?” Rowan threw out a random excuse and stuffed her feet in her rain boots that she’d left by the front door.

“It doesn’t matter -- whatever he wants, it shouldn’t have anything to do with you! He’s just going to try and -- Rowan!”

But she was out the door and flying down the rain-darkened steps to the lower landing.

He wasn’t looking through her mail. In fact, the wasn’t on the bricks beside her mailbox. He was nowhere to be found.

Did I...imagine him? Rowan glanced around, rain berating her head as she frantically tried to dissect her memory.

And then, from the other side of the door to the basement --

“Dada...it’s dark...”

“I know, baby, I know. I’m calling Mommy, okay? It’ll be okay.”

Rowan pushed open the basement door. Two heads turned to greet her -- one painfully familiar, complex eyes dulled and weighed down by the bags beneath them, sculpted lips whittled to a tired frown, the elegance in his posture gone from years of wear and tear; two, a head of short dark hair no taller than Rowan’s knees, blinking up at her with big, innocent eyes.

“Dada?” The girl crumpled Leon’s pant leg in her pudgy fist. “Who’s that?”

“I didn’t think you’d still live here,” Leon said, looking at Rowan like he was seeing her for the first time. “I guess I was banking on it, though -- you always left this unlocked.”

“There’s nothing down here,” Rowan replied. “It’s not like it needs to be locked.” She turned to the girl. “I’m Rowan. I live in this building.” She turned back to Leon. “What’re you going here?”

“We were walking by, trying to get to the station,” Leon said. “But it’s pouring out there, and she was soaked and shivering...I just ducked in here so she could get out of the cold.”

She vaguely remembered, a long time ago, hearing that Leon was married due to pregnancy. She hadn’t thought of him in so long, the details of him had faded away.

She didn’t know when. She hadn’t even known how faded her memories were, until she tried to dust them off and compare how he used to behave to how tired he seemed now, and couldn’t find a memory in good enough condition.

This is his daughter, Rowan thought. She stared down at the little girl again, who’s name she couldn’t even begin to guess. The rain pelted the world behind her, the loudest sound in the room.

“I’m gonna call her mother, to come get us,” Leon said. “We’ll be out of here soon.”

Rowan processed what he said, then popped both eyebrows. “You’re gonna tell your wife to come get you and your daughter from your ex-girlfriend’s house?”

He clutched his phone a little tighter in his grip, then said, “She’ll meet us at the corner. She doesn’t know this is your house, anyway.”

“Okay,” Rowan replied.

His daughter watched Rowan’s face like it was an intricate painting while Leon made his call. Her eyes seemed to absorb the shape of Rowan’s eyes, the different color of each of her eyes, the water droplets falling from her curls. “You’re pretty,” she blurted.

And smiled like the sun lived in her soul.

Rowan didn’t want to stop her response smile. “Thank you, sunshine. So are you.”

Dimples dug into the little girl’s cheeks. “Thank you.”

“Okay. Bye.” He hung up, shoved his phone in his pocket. Stared at Rowan for a long minute. He turned to his daughter and said, “Baby, I’m going to talk to Rowan for a minute, okay? Stay here.”

“Okay, Dada.”

Leon took a few steps deeper into the basement, and Rowan hesitated. “You shouldn’t leave her alone.”

“What’s gonna happen?” Leon replied. “It’s just us.”

Still, Rowan closed the door and locked it before meeting Leon in the dim basement.

“How’ve you been?” he asked. “It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other.”

“Good,” Rowan replied. “Never better, actually. You?”

“I’m...good.” He ran his hand through his hair, glanced around in the darkness. “I wish I could say I was as good as you. What’s going on in your life?”

“Um...in summary? I’m getting married, and I just became CEO at my company,” Rowan said.

Leon blinked. “Whoa. That’s...wow. Never better is right. CEO is a huge deal for you, right? Congrats.”

Rowan nodded awkwardly. “Thanks.”

“And...married? Who’s the lucky person?”

“Her name’s Marina.” Just saying her name made Rowan smile. “She’s...amazing.”

“You love her?”

“Of course. I mean, I’m marrying her.”

Something dark swept across Leon’s eyes, and Rowan realized her mistake too quickly. But it wasn’t something she was supposed to know, anyway. And if Leon was bitter about his life, he had no one to blame but himself.

“Yeah. Well. Sometimes, shit happens.” Leon glanced around again. “I just...I don’t know. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

“Thanks. I’m glad you are, too.”

Silence weighed down on them, and Rowan couldn’t escape the awkwardness. Was she supposed to say goodbye and leave him down here to wait for his wife? Could she just leave, knowing he was loitering downstairs and could very possibly start leafing through her mail?

She wasn’t sure why that thought kept coming back to her -- Leon had never looked through her mail before. But he’d looked through her text messages back in college.

Maybe she was just used to him invading her space.

“I had plans, you know?” Leon blurted, harsh and bitter like bloody shrapnel. “For my life, but once those were out the window, for my kid. The ultrasound said it would be a boy. I was gonna teach him how to ride a bike, drive a car, be a man. Be like me. But then, out she came, and all that disappeared, too. And now...and now I’m raising this little girl, who giggles at my shitty jokes like they’re the best thing on the planet and hugs my legs like she wants to be as close to me as possible and I...and I don’t know how I ever wanted to raise anyone to be anything like me. Because I’m actually awful. And I don’t deserve the trust she’s placed in me.” He sniffled, wiped his nose in two quick motions, looked up at the black ceiling. “I’m a pretty shit guy. And I can’t believe it took me having a daughter, and realizing that if any motherfucker treated her the way I’d treated any of the girls I’d been with, but especially you...I’d snap his neck in my hands, to learn that.” The glossy layer of tears over his eyes shined in the dim light. “I’m sorry, Ro. I’m so sorry I was never right to you. I should have been better. You deserve so much better, and I’m really glad you have it now.”

Rowan couldn’t believe what he’d just admitted. She couldn’t believe he’d just apologized to her. She’d realized after he left that Leon was the type of person who’d never know how wrong he was, because he couldn’t function thinking he was the bad guy. He needed to be the victim in his life.

“Why me especially?” Her shock made the words a hollow whisper.

“Because...you loved me. You actually, really loved me. And I knew that. I really did, I tried to deny it sometimes but I know I knew it because I would use it against you sometimes. I’d use specific ways to hurt you that would only work if you loved me. You’re the only one who ever has. And I’m sorry I let you.”

“What about your wife?”

He shook his head. “She wanted there to be love, I think. At first. I thought that’d be enough. I don’t know. But it’s not enough, and it’s not love. I keep thinking...I wonder if...” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. The nervous energy buzzing in him stilled, and it was like flicking off a light switch. When he reopened his eyes, whatever vibrancy, or vividness that had found its way inside him had disappeared, and tiredness made up the black hole in his eyes. “Never mind. I’ve said what I needed to say.” His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he checked the screen monotonously. “She’s here. We should go.”

When no one moved, Rowan took it upon herself to break the silence. “Okay.”

She unlocked the door while Leon walked over to his daughter.

“Come on, sunshine,” he muttered as he swiped her up off the floor and into his arms.

“Dada, are we gonna see the nice lady again?” she asked on their way out, twisting in his arms to look at Rowan.

Leon hesitated in the doorway.

Rowan reached up and cupped the back of the girl’s head. Her dark hair was soft against her fingers. “I don’t think so, sunshine.”

Tiny, round lips puffed out in despair. “Why not?”

“Because your dad has to move forward now.” Rowan swept her thumb across her cheek, careful not to scratch her young skin with a long nail. “And I'm not going to move backward.”

Leon left without another word, dipping into the rain and jogging up the steps. He covered his daughter’s head with his hand, and it was obvious he was trying.

But she was still soaked when they got to the car.

Rowan stopped to get her mail before heading back inside. The raindrops ran down her skin and her curls absorbed the moisture and her rain boots shone from the trails the droplets left behind.

There was a package made out to Marina, something she’d ordered off the internet most likely.

She leafed through the remaining letters as she walked back into her home.

Marina was standing in the living room, waiting.

“I didn’t follow you,” she began, “because I thought it could be a moment of necessary healing for you, and I didn’t want to deprive you of that.” She held her breath, then said, “Please tell me I wasn’t wrong.”

Rowan grinned and offered the package. “You weren’t. This came in the mail for you.”

Marina took the box, set it aside, and hugged Rowan more fiercely than she was expecting. But Rowan hugged her back in kind, and let the warmth of her fiancee’s embrace wash over her.

I love my life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.