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Endless Summer: Josh Kiszka x Reader Fanfiction

Part Six

description: you and sammy have been best friends since you were kids, and being around his family was the norm your entire life. when invited to a trip to their family lake house during the summer, you find yourself spending more time with his brother than your best friend. and, one thing has been clear your entire friendship: brothers are off limits.

warnings for this series: alcohol and marijuana usage, explicit content (18+, minors dni), angst, swearing

word count: 8.8k

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There had been a few days that had passed since the movie night, leading into a new week and less time to confess to Sam about you and Josh. You and him had come up with new ways to see each other in private, along with continuing the nightly routine visits and early morning wake-up calls. To say you were a bit relieved you would have to stop sneaking around would only be considered partially true, but hey, it would be nice to let Sam in on your biggest secret yet eventually.

Josh had even stayed in your room once or twice overnight, setting an alarm in the morning to leave you and reside in his quarters. If you never stirred from your sleep when the ringing of the alarm from his phone went off, he would just pepper your face with kisses and let you know that he would be running off to his own bedroom. Although neither of you wanted to separate, you had to for the obvious reasons.

You two were enamored with each other. It was most likely to do with the exciting jitters of a new relationship and exploring one another after years of being unable to do. Even if you had known him for so long, you were still finding new things out that surprised you.

With the past few days, you all found yourself redoing the kayak trip, but you staying in Sam's kayak the entire trip instead of stirring him on about Josh again. You four even went to the local shops and took Josh where you found his mala beads. There were even more there when you all came back, and he ended up buying another pair of them, along with a shirt you told him that you liked on him.

This specific day of the next week was spent lounging at the lake, talking carelessly with the boys about anything that popped into your head.

"Only about two weeks left now, huh?" Sam took a seat next to you on the rocks that lined the lake. You both watched Jake and Josh splash each other like kids, trying to dunk each other under the cool, salty water at least once or twice.

"Two weeks seems like such a long time, but I know it's going to pass by quickly." You whipped over to him with your lips pressed tightly together. "At least that doesn't mean the end of summer."

He nodded at your words with a hum, taking another glance at his brothers before returning his eyes to you. "It also means we have the rest of the summer to do whatever the hell we want. Maybe take that trip to Chicago that you wanted to go on."

An airy laugh exited through your nose as you remembered the night you and Sam spent together that pushed your plans with Josh back to the next day. "You suggested Detroit because Chicago is a 'bit far'."

He shook his head and shrugged with a light smirk. "But you said you wanted to go to Chicago. I'll take you there, but you're gonna have to fork over some gas money." He nudged your arm.

"Fine, but we're going to the art museum." You pointed your finger at him.

"Deal." He nodded satisfactorily.

You two continued watching his brothers scramble in the water, talking and laughing with each other. You rested your head on his shoulder, folding your arms around your legs that pressed to your chest and allowing him to wrap an arm around your shoulders. You took in a deep breath, exhaling it with a pleased sigh that life was where it seemed to be exactly where you wanted it to be. Seemed is the key word, because Sam still hadn't been informed about you and Josh. But you had crossed the long bridge to confirming your feelings with Josh, and so far, that was enough to satisfy you. But as the weeks grew shorter, you began to understand how frustrated you truly were that you had to keep it all a secret.

"Are you excited to go back home, see your family and stuff?" You raised your head from his shoulder.

He met your eyes with his lips twisted as he thought. "I mean, yeah, I miss them, but nothing beats this." He flung his unoccupied hand out to the crashing waters. "Do you say that because you miss your parents?"

"No, I say it because you're always away from your family. Of course, I miss my mom and dad, but I get to see them all the time. Whereas I barely get to see you anymore."

He clicked his tongue and pulled you back into his body that had your head resting back onto his shoulder, rubbing at your arm. "Believe me, I miss you a lot when I'm on tour. But, hey, it's worth it when we get to go do stuff like this. We haven't done a trip in forever together, and we were granted the entire summer just to do whatever we wanted together."

"Who knows, maybe I'll get sick of you by August." You giggled to yourself and felt him squeeze you lightly.

"Rest assured I'm already tired of you. Think I'm going to join my brothers, who I get to see all the time and always annoy me." He patted your arm and left you on the ground as he strode into the water. You laughed with an eyeroll, watching him swim over to his brothers and join them in their madness.

They all called your name, motioning you into the water without telling you what exactly they needed your attention for. You walked into the waters that cooled your sun-kissed skin and swam over to them with a slightly concerned expression.

"Need me to settle some sort of dispute?"

"Quite the contrary, y/n," Josh brought his finger up as he wiggled his eyebrows at you, "we need your participation in a friendly game of chicken."

"Friendly is what you call that game? Sam can barely hold me up and I get dunked into the water every time." You chuckled and flicked your eyes over to Sam, who looked at you with a small, disapproving smile.

"I'm sorry you're not satisfied with your partner. I promise we'll win this time, alright? We can even switch it up a bit and I'll be the one to push you into the water."

To say you we slightly taken aback he would be fine with his brothers holding you on their shoulders was a small understatement, but it was for a "friendly game", so it didn't mean anything to him. That, you were thankful for. And it gave you an opportunity to get a bit close to Josh without causing any sort of suspicion.

"Alright, you're on. Save your strength - you'll need it." You pointed at him.

"Well, I'm not up to bat first." He shook his head with a laugh as he placed his hand over his heart. "Joshua is."

"You should take your own advice, y/n. You'll be eating your words shortly." He gave you a devilish smirk, followed with a wink, and pulled his brother to the shallower end of the lake that you all four would be able to stand in.

"You forget I have a height advantage, Josh." You said as Sam dove under the water to gain you access to throw your legs over his shoulders.

"He'll level the battlefield out for us, don't you worry, 'nervous nelly'." Josh reassured you with a toothy grin as he tapped Jake's shoulders to sink under the water.

Sam rose from the water and had his knees bent a little to keep the heights between you two relatively similar, and you let out an exasperated gasp at the name calling.

"Your first mistake was calling me that." You squealed as Jake gripped onto Josh's legs and holding him tightly on his shoulders whilst walking over to you and Sam.

"Am I making you mad?" He grinned at you.

"Alright, kids, on three." Jake began.

"If your tactic is to get under my skin, it's not working." You shook your head with a downturned smile plastered on your face.

"One." Jake dragged out slowly.

He sucked a breath of air through his teeth. "Seems like it is, y/n."

"Two."

"Not even a little bit, Josh." You glared at him playfully, beginning to raise your arms up in attack-mode.

"Three!" Jake launched himself forward and had Josh landing his hands into yours, both of you forcefully pushing each other back and forth.

You were a giggling mess trying to compose yourself. Sam had helped you fight against his brother, looking up to you and cheering you on.

"Stop going easy on me, come on. Use some of your strength." You teased at Josh.

He mouthed his next sentence to you. "You like force, huh? I'll take that note."

That caught you off guard, reserving to letting go off his hands and shoving his shoulders back. With your hard push, you had Jake stumbling back, but keeping his balance and walking back over to you as he forced Josh to launch his hands forward to land his hands on the sides of your shoulders.

"What was that for?" He struggled with you as you slapped your hands onto his arms and battled for the release of his grasp.

"Shut up." You laughed, teetering on Sam and tightening your grip around his head to lessen his ability to hear.

"What, are you going to make me?" He clicked his tongue and challenged you with a devious smirk.

"Thanks for telling me what you want." You nodded, pushing him back with all of your force and Sam helping you throwing Josh off as he rose to his full height. This had Jake shouting that the whole thing wasn't fair, and Josh falling into the water on his back. Sam tapped at your thighs and jumped lightly, exclaiming at your shared victory.

"Who's eating their words now?" Sam laughed at them. His reaction had Jake rolling his eyes, and Josh popping out of the water as he ran his hands back to smooth his hair.

"I demand a rematch!" Josh shot his finger up to the air. "This time, I'm not going easy on you."

"Alright, Josh." You said and waited for him to resituate himself back onto Jake's shoulders.

"This time, no cheating." He pointed at Sam, and Sam nodded. "On three."

"Hey, she wasn't going to win if-."

"Three!" Jake exclaimed and Josh had clamped his hands onto your shoulders and pushing you back. Sam had barely caught his footing, loosening his grip on you and having you fall into the water.

You sprung up to hear the twin's laughter, giving each other high fives.

"That was cheating." Sam pointed at the both of them with an annoyed grin.

"I didn't say I was going to count to three." Jake shrugged and tilted his body forward to allow Josh to slide off his body.

Josh popped out of the water in front of Sam. "You can take your frustrations out on y/n, though." He shot a glance up to you.

"Hey, I-."

Sam cut you off quickly. "Alright, I'll get onto Jake's shoulders then." He nodded and helped you off of his shoulders smoothly as you slid off from behind him.

You watched as Sam made his way over to Jake and telling him to go under, although Jake told him to give him a few seconds to readjust the muscles in his shoulders.

Josh looked at you with pure amusement. "A bit too easy to get him to allow me any access to you."

You rolled your eyes with a light giggle. "Because this is a friendly game, remember? Not the time to try and get too touchy with me, Joshua."

"Well," he brought his mouth closer to your ears, "it certainly won't be the first time I've been between your thighs."

You pushed his shoulders down, forcing him under the water and waiting for him to turn to give you access to throw your legs upon them. Once he did, he held your thighs tightly, raising up from the water and shaking his hair out of his face. He brought a hand off your plush thigh to wipe the water off his eyes and through his hair.

"What were you two whispering about?" Jake cocked his eyebrows at the both of you. He had kept his sly comments to himself the past few days, but now he chose to make a small one to throw you both off your A-game.

"Strategical tactics, brother. Sam won't last a second, I assure you."

"How much would you like to bet on that?" His lips curled into a smirk.

Sam began to speak. "Can we just-."

"A Jackson." Josh said to him with sheer confidence.

"Twenty? I'm not betting that much on a game. How about ten?"

"Playing it safe because you know Sam will lose, I see." He said, following with a knowing hum. "You got yourself a deal." Josh looked up to you with a wide grin. "Don't lose, alright?"

"Don't think I will." You patted his cheek, looking up to Sam and giving him a challenging look. "You ready?"

"Yeah, ready to shove your ass into the water." He raised his hands up and waited for his brother's countdown.

Once the number three escaped Jake's lips, Josh gripped tightly onto your thighs and pushed you forward with force. You and Sam intertwined your hands with each other, releasing light grunts due to using all the force you had in your body.

You both had fought with each other for quite some time, neither of you being able to overmatch each other's strengths. One of you was bound to give up eventually, but neither of you were prepared to do so.

You then remembered one trait about Sam that was considered a weakness in this situation: ticklish. He always was since you two were kids, especially in his armpits and the sides of his stomach. You began to run your mind through how you would swiftly move your hands to his sides without giving him the upper hand to push you down, so, you locked eyes with him and kept them there for a moment.

"Ready to give up yet?" He said to you with a light grunt.

"Not just yet Samuel." You spoke. He never really appreciated his full name in usage, so when it left your lips, it took him aback. You flew your hands to his sides and began wiggling and digging your fingers into the skin.

"Hey! That's not-." He tried pushing your fingers off of him, but his laughing fit had him unable to do so.

"Push him!" Josh yelled up to you. With a quick reaction, and Josh launching you forward, you pushed Sam's shoulders and had him landing on his back into the water.

Jake pushed your knee, causing Josh to lose his footing just a bit but being able to replant them on the ground in a firm position. Sam swam over to you and Josh and pulled at your ankles.

"I will be expecting my winning money soon." Josh looked over Sam's shoulders and to Jake, who flipped him off in return.

"You're gonna regret that, y/n." Sam looked up at you.

"Are you going to pull me down somehow?" You cocked your head to the side with folded arms.

"I will gladly help you with that." Josh said as his grip ran over his brother's hands and flung you back into the water.

You sprouted up and gave him a hard swat to his chest, only for him to burst into laughter. He just gave you a shrug, and you noticed Sam looking down at you with a light grin.

"You're a piece of shit for that." You pointed at Josh.

"Seemed fair considering you were getting some sort of winning streak. You had to come down one way or another, right?" Sam said from over his brother's shoulder, and your eyes flicked up to him.

"Let's go again then, huh?" You offered, to which you all looked over to Jake.

"Think my shoulders need a bit of a break. Lunch?" He looked between the three of you with his hand clapped at the back of his neck.

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The four of you joined back at the lake for a bit, choosing to relax in each other's presence for the remainder of the time spent outside. Basking in the warm sunlight that kissed your skin, although leaving your cheeks pink, it wasn't something you disliked. It was a reminder of the summertime, especially since your skin was growing tanner than it usually appears.

You all agreed to part ways and take showers to wash off the salty lake water, then join each other in watching the sunset around the fire pit. The usual routine of spending your nights outside became something you grew fond over, especially when it would switch up with a fun game included or Sam taking his turn in playing guitar. And on this night, he did just that.

He strummed the guitar for a bit, playing numerous different riffs that didn't follow a specific song. Just anything that came to his mind he played.

"Think Sam is giving you a run for your money, Jake." You nodded over to him.

He shot his eyes in your direction with a confused expression. "Yeah, he's pretty good, but he can't play guitar behind his head."

Sam scoffed as he stopped his playing. "Alright, well, maybe you can teach me, so we'll be even."

"A magician never reveals his secrets." Jake raised his bottle towards Sam.

Sam leaned in towards you, and said, "I'll learn it one way or another."

You giggled at him, patting his shoulder and edging him on to continue his playing.

The memories you were creating here with them would be unforgettable, whether that be the interesting events that took place every day, becoming closer with Sam and reconnecting after too long of time had passed, or finally being with Josh after years of wishful thinking and doubts.

The fire wasn't lit until an hour had passed in fear of it dying down too quickly. Sam ditched the acoustic and helped Josh get the flames lit ablaze, then both of them taking their usual spots around the pit once more. Jake had even brought marshmallows to roast, along with graham crackers and chocolate to make s'mores. It was like being a kid again, hanging around the fire at night with their family and stuffing your faces of the gooey sandwich.

"S'mores tonight? When'd you come up with that?" You pointed towards the bag that was filled with the squishy, white food.

Jake looked over to you and then to the bag. "When Sam and I were out shopping for groceries. Figured we could eat them while we watch the sunset."

The sun was slowly sinking down the mountainside. It painted the sky with hues of orange and pink while it lowered down into the lake.

Jake had the skewers at his side, standing up and handing two to you and Sam. After doing so, he handed the both of you your own bag of marshmallows, graham crackers, and Hershey's chocolate that he had stowed behind his seat and out of sight, making a sly joke that he was sure Josh and him would be able to finish their own bags.

You plopped one marshmallow onto the pointy stick, whereas they all followed your motions and began to roast them over the fire.

"So, you guys excited to get back onto the road?" You flicked your eyes between all of them.

Josh hummed for an answer, looking over to Jake as if he expected him to speak for him. Jake noticed his brother's eyes, then forwarded his direction to you. "Think we are all pretty stoked to get back out there. But it's nice to take time off and do whatever we want."

You gave him a small smile, followed with a nod, then whipped your head over to Sam. "You?"

He shrugged his shoulders as his eyes lit up in golden from the fire. "I always love touring, but nothing beats being here. It's like a sense of humanity. You know, feeling normal?"

"You don't feel normal all the time?" You huffed a laugh as you took your marshmallow away from the fire. You blew onto the small flame that overtook the top of it, putting it out and starting to make your s'more.

"Well, I didn't mean it like that," he rolled his eyes with a toothy grin, "meant it like, there's no feeling you can get from anywhere other than home." He turned the handle of the skewer in his hand, before lifting it up and examining his lightly burnt marshmallow. He lowered his voice a bit, flicking his eyes over to his brothers before he turned to you. "And I don't get to hang out with you when I'm gone."

You laughed at his slight change of voice. He was always shy when it came to his feelings, especially speaking them out loudly when his brothers were around. Fear of seeming too soft, seeming too vulnerable.

"Awe, you're getting sentimental with me." You giggled as you brought your s'more to your lips.

"Shut up," he breathed. He smushed his marshmallow between his graham crackers, ditching the chocolate and taking a bite.

You just rolled your eyes off of him and noticed Josh had completely burned his marshmallow to a crisp, taking it off with a satisfactory smile and beginning to make his s'more.

"I think it's still on fire, Josh." You had your fingers over your mouth as you spoke to mask any bits of remanent pieces around your lips.

"Just the way I like it." He gave you a nod, looking over to Jake who just gave him a quiet laugh.

"He likes to burn his mouth." Sam leaned in towards you as he spoke, laughing under his breath.

You exchanged in the laughter and seeing Josh shooting you both a disapproving look. He took a large bite and hummed loud enough for you all to hear, then turning his head over his shoulder to watch what was left of the sun fall down where he could no longer see it.

As the sun began to set, and the stars lit up the sky with the moon, you all went back and forth telling numerous stories from your younger years. Usually, the twins would be the leaders in the stories, but they eventually gave you and Sam the floor.

And there you were again, brought back in time for a moment and forgetting that time passed quicker than you'd like. It was like when you all were in high school, wide awake in their backyard or watching movies in their basement. Time never reminded you that it had taken its course with their lives and leaving you behind in these moments, and you guys aren't who you used to be: four innocent individuals unsure of what the future held.

And those thoughts captivated your mind as you focused your eyes on the fire, beer in hand. You were never much of a beer drinker until Sam and you stole a few from their fridge and drank too many in his backyard after everyone went to sleep. But you still drank it around them because it felt right. Hell, everything felt right when with it was surrounding the three of them.

"What are you thinking about?" Sam tapped your forearm, and you quickly shot your eyes to him with a confused expression.

You quickly gained your consciousness back. "Just, about life. How I'm going to miss the fuck out of you when you leave."

He nodded slowly, clanking his beer bottle with yours and raising his to his lips. "That's my least favorite part about tour."

He knew you were unbelievably proud of them for all that they have accomplished. He knew that you wish them nothing but the best in everything that they do. But he also knew how much you missed him, his presence, your best friend that you would be able to stay awake with for hours on end and fall asleep without realizing it.

He continued. "But hey, we're here together now, right? We've got now to focus on, not the future."

You gave him an understanding nod, taking a small sip from your bottle and relaxing your arm back onto the chair with your hand hanging over the plastic.

There was now another person you were going to miss: Josh. Yeah, of course, you missed him when he was gone before, but things were different. You were going to have to remember how it felt to be wrapped in his arms, to kiss him, longer than you had the chance to. But Sam couldn't know that was plaguing your mind more than him. Because you've gotten comfortable coping with Sam's absence, but not Josh's. Not ever. And now, you were unsure how long that would take.

"I don't think I ever thanked you for inviting me, Sam." You rolled your head over to him. He looked at you with a raised brow, and a smile creeping from the corner of his lips.

"Well, you're welcome." He shot his chin up in your direction. "I'm glad that you decided to come. Reminds me of our trips up here as kids."

"That's what I've been thinking about!" You resituated yourself in your chair to lean closer to him. "It's like being back in time for a moment, except we're all older."

He huffed a laugh, shaking his head and taking another sip of his alcoholic beverage. "That's how time works, y/n."

"That's not," you sighed, "you know what I mean. Like we're reliving past memories."

"Except we're creating new ones - better ones. Unfortunate that they're here to screw it up." He joked, lifting his drink over to his brothers who were caught up in a conversation. They both noticed your eyes lingering on them, so they acknowledged the both of you.

"You guys saying some mean shit about us?" Josh cocked his eyebrow comically at you and Sam.

"No, y/n was just talking about how it feels like we're 'reliving past memories' being here. And she thanked me for inviting her." Sam gave you a quick smile.

"Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say we're glad you joined us on this trip." Josh gave you a soft smile, keeping his eyes held with yours. Intention and meaning laid behind that look, but only you could decipher it.

"I'm just happy none of you have gotten annoyed with me." You sighed.

"Who said that we haven't yet?" Sam muttered, to which you gave him a back-hand slap on his chest with your free hand.

"Guess that's my cue to get ready for bed then." You said. You had noticed the night had bloomed fully, and you could feel your body becoming glued to the chair. You stood, finishing the last few sips of your beer before saying, "goodnight."

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You had fully gotten yourself ready for bed, laying under your covers and waiting for Josh's arrival. You never needed to ask him to come into your room after everyone went asleep, but you figured you'd shoot him a text.

Hey, waiting up for you. I miss you.

You stared at that text for a few seconds, deciding to delete it and let time be the fate of whether or not he'd come see you. You set your phone down flat onto the nightstand, next to a photo of a family photo of the Kiszka's. It had caught your eye, so you figured you would examine it while you waited.

You heard the door creak, loud enough to forward your attention to the noise, and you saw Josh smiling at you sheepishly, wearing a pair of brown shorts and a bare chest as he creeped into your room with minimal noise.

He turned his back on you two shut the door. Then, he pointed at the picture frame in your hand. "Whatcha looking at?"

You flipped the picture towards him, and he met you at your side and picked it up. A light smile grazed his lips as he began tracing a few of the faces that lied in the photo.

"Sam hated those braces." He chuckled, setting the photo back onto the nightstand and meeting your eyes.

"I remember him complaining about the bullying. I always felt so bad for him."

Josh crawled over you, making himself comfortable under your blankets before pulling you into his side. "I tried sympathizing with him, but he usually just went to his room in frustration."

You had your head rested in the crook of his neck, with one hand placed on his chest and the other tucked between yours and his's bodies. "He was never a fan of showing his emotions."

Josh just shrugged it off, unsure of what to follow it up with. He rubbed the side of your arm, then using his pointer finger to drag it down slowly. He pressed a kiss on the top of your head as he continued his motions. You were truly content with how you were with him, and the thought of Sam wasn't one that you wanted to plague your mind anymore with.

You removed yourself from his embrace and sat on your legs for a brief moment. He gave you a puzzled look, but it immediately wiped off his face once you straddled his waist. You brought the palms of your hands on his chest, running them up and down smoothly as you watched your motions.

Your eyes looked at him through your lids with a coy grin dancing on your lips. You were satisfied with the way his hands fell onto your hips the moment you sat on his hip. Then, he began running them up your sides from underneath your shirt. His hands were cool at first, but immediately melted into your skin once he ran them back down your body.

He leaned up and crashed his lips onto yours. His hand had tangled its way onto the back of your head with your hair looping through his fingers. You had one hand on his shoulder, the other on his face, holding him onto your mouth to keep him from breaking away. Who knew after a short period of time you would miss the way his lips taste?

Peppermint laced his tongue as he met your own, groaning with an open mouth and gripping on your hip harshly. You prayed his fingers would leave prints just as a reminder the next morning that they had grazed your skin.

His lips traveled to your jaw, then your neck, holding you onto his mouth with each kiss. He was sure to not wrap his lips around your neck too deeply and leave any trace of his whereabouts, but deeply enough for you to know he was there in that moment. You had found your nails digging into his shoulder blades, with your mouth hung open and releasing quiet sighs of pleasure. The way his cool lips hit your seemingly burning up skin was a sensational relief, and you began to rock your hips gently against him.

He wrapped his fingers around your chin and brought you back onto his lips hungrily. His hands landed back on your waist to help you steady your pace and feel each motion wherever he could. But you, you could feel him under you, growing harder with each movement of yourself against his shorts.

You found yourself slowing your hips to a halt and pressing your forehead onto Josh's. The question lingered of "should you" and "what if's"? You both seemed to have decided what you wanted, but there was your mind wandering again on worry and safety.

"Hey," Josh looked up at you with his eyebrows pulled towards the bridge of his nose, "everything okay?"

You breathed a laugh through your nose. "Yeah, everything is fine. Just..."

"Sam?" He said, free of emotion.

You gave him a look of disappointment, not towards him, but yourself. You just nodded, bringing your hands to his face and removing your forehead from his. You felt bad that you were still holding back because of your best friend, but that just meant waiting a little longer.

"I'm sorry, Josh. I just-."

He cut you off quickly as he cupped your cheeks. "No, no don't be sorry. Think it's best if we wait, anyways. Builds up more," he shook his shoulders, "tension."

You rolled your eyes, pressing a kiss on his lips with a downturned smile and looking at him with a sigh. "You've got to be the most understanding person I know."

"That's a good thing, right?" He gave you a toothy expression, mouth parted open.

You just gave him another kiss as your answer, then wrapping your arms around his neck while tilting your head to the side.

"Feel a bit bad I'm letting him get in the way of us." You gave him a light shrug. "We both kind of promised each other that he wouldn't."

He resituated himself under you, then wrapped his arms around your back and bringing you into his chest. One of his hands caressed your back, while the other massaged the back of your head.

"You shouldn't," he whispered into your ear, "but I understand where you're coming from. It doesn't upset me; in case you were worried about that - that you're worried about Sam. He's also right next door, so it's best we don't test out limits any more than we have."

"Just can't wait to tell him so I don't feel like a shitty friend for keeping this a secret." You mumbled into his skin.

"Thinking about sitting him down, like an intervention of the sorts, and telling him."

You leaned up and looked at him with your face scrunched up. "That's what you suggest?"

"Would you rather me be casual about it? Just go up to him and tell him like it's no big deal."

"I don't even know what I'd prefer," you shook your head with a short exhale through your nose, "but all I know is that it'll be...interesting."

"Interesting, indeed, my dear." He widened his eyes, then giving you a gentle kiss.

You removed yourself from on top of him and relaxed on the side of him, just like you were moments before you decided to sit on his lap. You sighed with slight relief, but thoughts running through your head of different scenarios of said day that would occur. How would he react? What would he say?

Josh held you close to him as the both of you relaxed with each other. It was going to be the closest thing to you sleeping in the same bed for the time being, and neither of you wanted to break from the moment. So, sitting in silence was comforting enough for the both of you.

You reached your hand out for him, and he intertwined his own with yours. His thumb rubbed the back of your hand as he hummed a soft tune.

"I've always loved your singing." You looked up to him.

He pressed a light kiss on your forehead and gave you a soft smile. "Well, I'm glad you do. Have yet to hear you sing, though."

"You're not going to want to hear my tone-deaf voice, Josh." You chuckled at him.

"Oh, I think I do." He egged on as he squeezed your hand. "A little duet, perhaps?"

"Not tonight, and probably not ever." You gave him a stern look with a quirk of your brow.

"Alright, alright," he sighed, "one of these days I will."

You rolled your eyes and relaxed your head back onto his shoulder. You could feel the usual pull your body had on you when you grew more exhausted, feeling as though you were unable to move from your position. His comfortable heartbeat was practically lulling you to sleep.

"I think I'm going to fall asleep." You groaned, letting your eyes rest shut.

Josh huffed a laugh, placing a light kiss on the top of your forehead. "Then I should probably leave for the night. I'd love to stay for another sleepover, but think I'll just use my bed tonight."

He shuffled himself out of the bed and waited for you at the door. You dragged yourself out from under the covers, coming over to him with your arms ready to be wrapped around his neck and pull him into a kiss.

"See you in the morning, alright?" He said into your lips.

You pulled away and gave him a singular nod. Neither of you liked saying goodbye, rather choosing to say when you two would see each other next. It was an odd sentiment that became some sort of tradition between the two of you. Because, truly, neither of you wanted to leave one another, but it was the unfortunate fate that was given to you both for obvious reasons.

He pressed his lips on yours once more before leaving you, holding your face in his hands with delicacy. The feeling of how soft his lips brushed against yours was one that you always missed, but moments like these were reminders that you’d get to wake up every morning and feel the same sensations all over again.

“What the fuck?” Sam spoke slowly, but annunciated every word from the now open door that you and Josh hadn’t heard creak from its shut state.

You pulled your lips off of Josh’s quickly. You didn’t push him away though, letting him act in his own actions by placing his hands flat on the sides of his legs and looking at his brother in near terror, the same expression you wore.

Your breath grew shaky, and your stomach began to turn and twist into a nauseated feeling. Your mouth was agape as you stared at your best friend witnessing the sight in front of him. Neither of you knew what to say, so you all reserved to silence. Frankly, you felt like you couldn’t move a muscle and were stuck frozen in place. Sam, on the other hand, tightened his grip harder on the door as his jaw tensed up, eyes still blown wide but eyebrows furrowed tightly. This was the most frustrated you’ve ever seen him, and that only made you more fearful of what was to come next.

You were caught doing something you never should have done in the first place, although it wasn’t his right to tell you what you could and couldn’t do. But it was wrong of you to be with his brother in the first place upon his request, and you broke that promise. That promise alone diminished every last ounce of trust he had in you and filled his entire being with disgust. Anger, hurt, disappointment; you name it. All of the negative emotions he could possibly have felt, he did now.

And you, you did as well. You had realized the mistake you made, and seeing how upset your friend was only made the reality of the situation worse. You had hoped that if you just shut your eyes, this would all go away, but that wasn’t how life worked. You had to own up to your mistakes, but you were afraid that if you opened your mouth, vomit would come spewing out.

Josh took in a deep, shaky breath. “Sam-.”

“Don’t say a fucking word to me, Josh.” He hissed; voice shaky as his finger pointed directly to his brother. He kept his eyes squinted at him, as a warning not to speak another word or else he would regret it.

Was he expecting you to say something? Did he want you to speak? If you were supposed to, you had to try and spill some words out of your dry mouth.

You swallowed the knot in your throat in hopes of being able to say something. A sentence. A single word, a sound. But all you could manage to do was stutter for a few moments, locking eyes with Sam as soon as your mouth began to utter sounds.

“I am so, so sorry, Sam. Please, let me-.”

“Let you what? Explain to me whatever the fuck it is I just saw?” He spat at you. His nostrils began to flare as his stare became more intense. “You are not fucking sorry. Don’t you stand there and lie to me, y/n. Unbelievable.” Your eyes began to well up with each word he spat at you. His eyes were already daggers, but his words were like bullets shooting into your heart with each slight raise in his voice.

Your bottom lip began to shake as you let out a choked breath, watching him suddenly stop caring about how you felt. In times where you were like this, he would be the one to console you. But now, that was the last thing he would do for you.

He turned his back on you, and without hesitation you followed him quickly out of your room and tugged at his arm the moment you were able to catch up to him. He whipped his head to meet your welled-up eyes and pull away from your grasp.

“I don't even know what to say to you right now, other than the fact that I'm fucking disappointed.” He stood in front of you, his pointer finger raising up shakily and shooting right into your face. He just watched your eyes become blurry, not even a single hint of sympathy in his face. You knew he wanted to see you hurt, because that’s what he felt. He wanted you to feel as shitty as he did, as horrid as it sounds. But he didn’t care. “And you,” he looked behind you and noticed Josh standing just outside your door, walking over and looking down upon him yet lowering to his level just so he could meet his face properly, “you fucking promised you wouldn't try anything with her. You knew how I would feel, know how I feel about this, but you chose to do it anyways.”

You watched the scene from your locked position, feeling as though you were unable to move. Josh’s eyes began to wrinkle at the sides as his lips pulled tightly into an aggravated look. Now it was his turn to be upset, and you were just a bystander choking on your mournful, regretful tears. “It’s not your fucking choice to make, Sam.”

He was challenging him. He had no fear pent up in his system anymore, instead, a blazing fire that was igniting into fury. And Sam let out an evil laugh, throwing his head back as he shook it. Sam knew that Josh was never one to back down, so this was definitely some game he intended to play until things got messy.

“So, you admit that you don’t give a shit about how I feel then, huh?” He raised his eyebrows loosely. A devilish smirk had coiled onto his lips terrifyingly. He was trying to intimidate his brother, trying to win this game that Josh had begun the moment he shot back at his brother.

But Josh wasn’t usually a fighter He didn't want to start something that would become messy and for you to witness, although you've watched them brawl each other a few times as kids. “I didn’t say that, S-.”

He cut him off quickly with his hands clapped on his shoulders, tugging his brother closer to him. “But you know that’s what you did, right? You disregarded my feelings, my words, everything I ever said to you about how I would despise if this ever happened.” He shook his head in astonishment, with a light scoff breezing out through his nose. He flicked his eyes over to you, seeing how your lips had been pressed tightly together to muffle your cries with a quivering chin. How your eyes were puffy and had begun shedding a few tears down your cheeks and staining them.

Sam turned his attention back to Josh, who rolled his eyes and began to speak calmly. “Can we be civil and talk about this instead of you trying to make me feel shitty about this? I know you’re upset, Sam. But, I think you can grow some common sense and let us talk to you-.”

“No.” He pushed his brother back lightly as he removed his firm grip on his shoulders. He looked at you again, waiting for another tear to fall from your face. “The fuck are you crying for? Surely you’re not because you feel bad about this.”

“I do-.”

“No,” he stomped over to you as he raised his voice, “you obviously don’t! You’re crying because you were too stupid enough to get caught, y/n! You don’t feel bad. If you did, you never would’ve done whatever it is you two have been doing in the first place. Are you happy? Are you satisfied that you did the one fucking thing you promised me you would never do? Congratulations, y/n, you really outdid yourself with this one.”

Your breaths were quiet cries to him, letting your mouth open as your eyes flicked between his own. He had never yelled at you like this, never talked down to you like this. It was the most gut-wrenching thing you could ever experience. You just wanted this all to go away, for this all to be a twisted nightmare that you could wake up from.

“Why are you being so mean to me, Sam?” It was a stupid question you were asking, but it was one you wanted to say out loud. There was the obvious reason why he was upset with you, but how he was dragging you through the dirt only made you feel like you didn’t know him. You never saw this side of him before, and frankly, you didn’t recognize who stood before you. It was mortifying to watch him just stare at you as if he could care less you were very much upset about this. In fact, you could even get the sense he wanted you to cry.

He just laughed at you, leaning his head back as he continued his laughter to himself. “Can’t believe-why am I being mean to you? Are you fucking kidding me?” He brought his hand to his head as he looked around the dim hallway with an evil, toothy smirk plastered on his face with disbelief. “You destroyed the trust I had for you. You think I wouldn’t be upset by this? Is that what you expected?”

You let out a choked cry. “No, Sam-.”

“And yet, you chose to sneak around with my brother. Disgusting.” He spat, pressing his lips tightly together with a light shake of his head. He looked towards Josh, who was breathing deeply by the way his shoulders rose with each inhale of air he took. “Fuck you.”

He walked back to his room without another word to you both and you grappled enough force to move yourself towards him, watching as the door shut loudly in your face. Your legs felt like jelly with each step, eyes barely of any help with how your tears filled your waterline and blocked your vision.

You banged on his door with the sides of your fists, screaming his name as you cried. “Sam, Sam please open the door.”

You continued your actions, calling for him again and again. “Sam, please. Please can we talk about this? Sam!”

You were growing exhausted. You could feel your legs wanting to give out with every harsh knock on his door. You were practically using all of your force. “Sam,” you choked out quietly, “please.”

You sunk your hands down from the door, lowering yourself to the floor as an uncomfortable knot bubbled in your throat. Your entire mouth felt dry, and it had you gasping for air as you fell onto the ground and relaxed your face onto the wood. Your cheeks were burning up - your entire body was with how your waling cries were bouncing off the walls. Your eyes faltered to the floor as your body reminded you of the nausea that sat in the pit of your stomach and tore it from the inside. As if you could feel so empty yet so built up with everything that was happening internally and externally. You felt lost.

Josh came to your side immediately, crouching down and waiting for the right moment to bring you into his body. He wasn’t sure if that was what you wanted, so he just relaxed his elbows on his knees with his hands hanging over the split of his legs. You met his eyes, and although you were utterly embarrassed by how unattractive you felt in this moment, that was the last thing you cared about right now.

“I shouldn’t have let this happen; this is all my fault.” He said in a low whisper, with his face fully in a regretful state. He didn’t regret anything he did with you, no, he regretted breaking the promise that he had everything figured out. That Sam wouldn’t find out this way. That Sam wouldn’t get in between the both of you.

You couldn’t find words to say, you just leaned the side of your head back onto the door and shut your eyes. You begged yourself to wake up, wake up from this. Wake up. Wake up.

You banged your fist against the door again, whether it was in an attempt to call out for Sam, or out of pure agony. You couldn’t pick out exactly how you felt, but you knew it was painful. You weren’t upset with Sam, or Josh, but yourself. It takes two for a relationship to happen, and you could’ve not let it occur. But you instigated the first kiss, telling Josh it was okay and that you didn’t care what Sam thought. It was you that started this. It was you that fell for him first. It was you that betrayed your best friend.

Josh had sat himself on his knees, pulling you into his chest and letting your head fall near his heart. Mucus began to drip from your nose as you choked on your own breath, practically hyperventilating from your cries of dismay. Josh held you tightly in his arms, looking down at you because he didn’t know how else to comfort you. He knew there was nothing to say to make you feel better, because what was there to say? That he was sorry? You knew that. That you two would figure it out? How? How could you believe that when that was all he’s been promising to you for the past weeks and a half?

So, he sat with you mute, listening to your loud cries that should’ve woken up Jake. Hell, it could’ve wakened up anyone in distance of the lake house if they were near. You tried to calm yourself, processing with every ounce of mindful thinking you could forge together to focus on your breathing, but to no avail.

Eventually, he wrapped his arms under your legs and pulled you up with him. A light grunt escaped his throat as he stood to his feet, but he managed to keep you in his grasp and take you back to your room. You didn’t fight it, mainly because there was no energy left in your body to do so, instead reserving all of it to continue your cries.

He rested you into your bed, throwing the covers over your body and stripping his shorts off his body once he reached the opposite side of the bed. Even if you wanted him to leave you alone, which you were sure that you didn’t, he wasn’t going to just walk out on you in your most anguished state. It tore at his heart to see you like this, as he’s only really seen you cry once or twice.

You shuffled yourself into his chest, painting his bare skin with your tears. He just rubbed your back slowly in hopes of relaxing you, and it helped to some extent. You cried to the point of near exhaustion, and as much as you felt the need to let out more upsetting whines, your body was unable to do so. So, you just choked up a bit, sniffling into his chest as you rested your eyes, pressing harshly onto them to release anymore tears your body could produce. But there was none. Your eyes were simply dry, puffy and red. You didn’t know if that would be the end of your sobbing, if you would wake up in the middle of the night and remember that Sam had cut you deep with his words and have you spiraling back to feeling sorrowful. You didn’t want to think about it anymore, because you know you needed sleep. And Josh was helping coax you with each circle he drew on your back, and with each trace down the side of your head he’d bestow upon you.

⊱ ━━━━.⋅ εïз ⋅.━━━━ ⊰

series taglist: @gvfleetwood @sacredjake @aureatopia @myeyehurtz @alexiagx @objectsinspvce @unhappycylinder @spinthehemmo @carbonwritingthroughtime @thecoldwind @ageofsophgvf @fakeplastiqtree @thepritchardscale @gvfpal @light-myluv @raviolilegs @jordierama @alwayskiszka

other tags: @ageofhearingloss @mountain-in-springtime @ignite-my-fire @gvfsstardust @jakesguitarsolo @fallonfatality @gold-mines-melting @digitalcalamity @demolitionndann @lipstickitty @lexii-nv-c @joopsworld @ryrybaby @hellowgoodbye << for all of you new here, welcome to my first series! tagged you in a interesting plot point, so you might want to catch yourself up a bit if you'd like! ;) and, thanks for joining my taglist! will be tagging you all in future works.

-part seven-

[readyforthegarden]

I’m the one who asked what it would be like to be freshly dating josh, and I wanted to share some of my daydreams on rotation since you fed me so well 🥲

- it’s a hectic work week for you and so you haven’t really been able to see him, he does not like this whatsoever. He knows you work better when you’re in the zone and alone, so he offers his library up for you to use (the one from the video). He sets you up a space near an outlet, makes a playlist of soft background jazz, buys your favorite candle and places them around the room. He brings you food in throughout, but knows if he lingers he will be a distraction - he just likes knowing you’re there. At the end of the day he comes in and helps you find a stopping point, pulls you out to a warm meal and scratches your back while you decompress on the couch. He’s just so happy you’re around in any way he can get you.

- first meeting him: you’re running behind meeting your friends out on a weeknight, she knows you’re into the guys and warns you ahead of time that him, Jake, and jita ended up meshing with your group while playing pool. You’re hyping yourself up pulling in, figuring out how to go about introducing yourself etc. you walk in and as your walking closer you see josh kind of stand up straighter. You greet your friends and start to hug and introduce yourself to them - josh last. Throughout the night you end up having conversations with him here and there but it’s time to go home. You go to close your tab, there’s nothing there. ‘Last name Kiszka kept covering you all night! No worries’. You decided to leave your number with her and if she can give it to him when he closes out, which she did. You walk back over, say your goodbyes, and he quietly says ‘it was so nice meeting you, hopefully we see each other soon’…. You get a text the next morning.

- sundays with him!!! Sleepy boy, groggy voice, bed head, radiating warmth under the covers. You had a long night and slept in a bit, so you were both pretty lethargic. First things first was coffee so you both kept the jammies on and hop in the Jeep. He’s singing you ‘Suzanne’ by Leonard Cohen while you’re drawing little flowers on the back of his hand which rests on your thigh. Your favorite thing ever is looking over while he’s ordering at Starbucks and seeing how kind and happy he was to talk to the person- you’ve got a good one. You get back home and immediately pile on the couch and while his is massive, you curl up into a ball. You rub his mala beads between your fingers as he scratched the inside of your arm. Giving recaps of the night before, drinking the chais, scrolling on your TikTok. You fall asleep again and again throughout the day

Side notes for daydreaming Lmao:

- he’s such a soft lover. Yes he’s talkative, wild, a little hectic, but with you he’s so gentle and thoughtful.

- he for sure would practice braiding your hair while you watch movies so he gets more touch in

- I know this has been said on here before, but I think he does love thicker women - he finds it so goddess like

- he’s a great listener. You could mention wanting to try a cafes avocado toast, the next day he casually walks in with it. He never makes it a big deal, but he’s an act of service guy too

- for car rides with you he’ll admit he knows *some* pop Songs. You mean to tell me he doesn’t know the lyrics to good as hell by Lizzo??? His hand tapping his thigh, head bopping, pointing at you to sing the next part

- he just smile and gazes at you. He’s so thankful he’s crossed paths with you, he gets it now, things are clicking, he feels supported intimately and vulnerably from someone close to him

OOOhhhhh i bet you thought i forgot!! 🧚‍♀️, my dear!!

The first one, Josh is so sweet and I truly believe he'd be like that, but also between snack and drink refreshes (he's bringing in that brita, making sure you're hydrated and focused) he's finding reasons to pass by the doorway, just to get a few more glimpses of you throughout the day. You finally turn around on his tenth trip and give him a look, and he just smiles bashfully, carrying his third cup of tea this afternoon as he scurries away, leaving you to work.

the second one - are you kidding me?!?!!?! what a meet-cute 🥺 he would pull some slick shit like that, covering your tab the whole night and subtly flirting with you. he shakes your hand as you say goodbye, letting his hand linger in yours a few seconds longer than someone who was just being nice would. his text the next morning would be quick and to the point, maybe about going to a farmers market and he's definitely going to buy you flowers if there's a flower stall.

i have nothing to add to the third one it's amazing and i want it so so so so so badly please give me sunday snuggles with josh omg and the starbucks why did i picture him hat josh smiling and chatting with the baristas and now i wanna sooooobb!!!!

ALL OF THE SIDE NOTES WERE PERFECT!!!! WAHHHH!!!!

[divinepathsolution1]

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It is important to note that the harvesting of coral is now regulated and in some cases prohibited due to concerns about the impact on coral reefs and the marine environment. As a result, some coral beads on the market today may be made from alternative materials, such as resin or glass.

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Explore spiritual growth with Rudraksha Mala Jewelry. Our collection offers authentic Rudraksha beads, revered for their spiritual significance. Each mala is meticulously crafted to enhance your meditation practice and inner peace journey. Discover the power of ancient wisdom with our exquisite mala beads.

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11 Mukhi Rudraksha Mala | Rudraksham Immerse yourself in the divine vibrations by adorning an 11 Mukhi Rudraksha Mala. This string of sacred beads is thought to enhance concentration, bring clarity, and attract positive energies into your life.For more information you can call now-  8824098901

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Absolutely, women can wear Rudraksha beads without any restrictions. Rudraksha beads are unisex and hold spiritual significance for people of all genders. These sacred beads are known to bring peace, harmony, and spiritual growth to the wearer. Whether worn as a necklace, bracelet, or mala, Rudraksha beads can be a source of positive energy and protection for women, just as they are for men. They are a symbol of devotion and can aid in meditation and prayer. The choice to wear Rudraksha beads is a personal one, and women are encouraged to embrace the spiritual benefits they offer.

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32 Rudraksha beads in the 7 Mukhi configuration make up the potent Shani Kantha. This mala can help you obtain the Mahalaxmi goddess' blessings as well as prosperity and material gains. It is also useful for eradicating Saturn's negative effects. Saturn's malefic position can prevent or delay all favourable outcomes. It causes a person to become lazy and drowsy, damage their name and reputation, become ill, develop chronic long-term illnesses, etc.

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Rudraksha should ideally be cleaned with water and oiled once a month with almond oil using a gentle brush.

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Meditating with ADHD and anxiety

Disclaimer: this is just what's worked for me, everyone's brains work differently.

So you have ADHD, and you have anxiety, and everyone under the sun tells you to meditate but it feels impossible. Good news! It's possible to not only meditate with ADHD, but also see an overall reduction of cyclical anxiety thoughts both during and outside of meditation. My advice is coming from the perspective of someone who does ACT therapy and has studied Buddhism and is considering converting.

First of all, I know it's super annoying that everyone says meditation will solve all your problems. Trust me. I know. But, there is science backing up the positive effects of meditation on anxiety. A quick google search for scientific studies brought up this study, and there are others. I'm just in too much pain to hunt them all down because I want to get this typed up before I need to get off my computer and lay down.

I noticed a difference in my cyclical anxiety thought patterns after about a week of meditating for ten minutes every day. I get these thoughts about my partner dying, or losing my income, or becoming dependent on my really terrible family, and they just torture me. I suffer so much just because I can't get my brain to calm down and just stop. And I had tried meditation in the past, but I would get these cyclical thoughts in the middle of meditating sometimes. Other times, I simply wasn't meditating because I was lost in my thoughts the entire ten minutes. But! I figured out a method to deal with both of those problems. Here's how I did it.

First I'll start with the difficulty that ADHD causes when it comes to meditation. First of all, there are tools to help you meditate. I have a mala, which is a long string of Buddhist prayer beads, sort of like a rosary except without the guilt of Catholicism to go with it. The beads are used to help you focus on/count your breath or a mantra or whatever the object of your meditation is. Starting with holding the bead next to the big bead, you breathe in, breathe out, and then go onto the next bead. I find this physical activity helps with my ADHD fidgetyness and helps me focus. You can go all the way around til you get back to the big bead, but if you're going to continue, don't cross the big bead. Turn the mala around and go back the way you came.

I now do silent meditation where I focus on my breath, one in and out breath for each bead. But that's a little more advanced and harder to do without practicing first. I recommend first trying a short guided meditation. There's a Buddhist monastic community in France called Plum Village that has an app (called Plum Village App) and on the app there's a variety of guided and silent meditations, but I highly recommend the one in the short meditations section called "Calm-Ease." It's six minutes long (there's also eight, fifteen, twenty, and thirty minute versions but start with six), and I still use elements of it during my silent meditations because it's just that good.

All the meditations on the app have a mantra and then a shortened version. For example, the calm/ease one has several different mantras but the heart of it is "Breathing in, I am calm. Breathing out, I feel at ease." And then you can shorten it to (breathing in) "calm" (breathing out) "ease." In this case, you could repeat "calm/ease" once per bead on the mala. I sometimes do this when I can't sleep (I wear my mala to bed) and it helps.

(If you're interested in trying out meditation with a mala, I recommend buying one from The Tibetan Nun Project, which is a nonprofit that supports refugee Tibetan nuns in Northern India. They sell wrist and long malas, and the price ranges from $10-$45. They sell plastic, bone, wood, and crystal malas.)

Meditation takes practice. It's like a muscle you can train. At first, when I meditated, even if I was doing guided meditations, my mind would wander constantly. However, this happens less and less the more you practice. And getting your mind to be completely quiet isn't the goal. The goal is lowering your stress level. So the first thing you need to do is just accept that you'll get distracted. If you're beating yourself up or getting frustrated every time your mind wanders, you're just going to stress yourself out. But the moment you realized you've been distracted is the moment you begin the be mindful again, so please don't get frustrated. Meditation is a practice, meaning we can get better at it, and you have to suck at something to get better at it, that's just part of the process. So when you notice your mind has been wandering, simply tell yourself "Okay, back to the subject at hand" and go back to your breath or mantra or whatever you are focusing on.

Now, you ask, it's great that doing this regularly will help my anxiety, but what do I do if I get anxiety mid meditation? I have this problem sometimes, and it makes meditating frustrating and unpleasant. So I've taken up a practice recommended by both my therapist and Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh. In this method, you talk to your anxiety like you would a friend. Not trying to talk it out of being stressed, but rather, offering it your compassion.

Think of it this way: if your friend was anxious, you would have compassion for them. You would sit with them and be kind to them until they calmed down. And the part of you that is anxious deserves compassion and kindness too. So I will literally talk to my anxiety silently, saying "Hello anxiety, I see you are back. It's true we are very happy, and it makes us afraid that we will lose that happiness. Thank you for trying to prepare me for the worst. You are very scared, and it's okay to be scared. I will sit with you until you feel better." And then I find the compassion in myself that I would give to a scared friend, and I sit with that in my heart and let my anxiety feel it.

It's very important to not try to talk the anxiety out of being anxious, or tell it it needs to go away. It's very tempting, but anxiety will fight back if you do this. Instead, realize the anxious part of you is suffering, and offer it kindness and compassion. ACT stands for "Acceptance Commitment Therapy" and one of the main tenants is accepting things the way they are and knowing and reassuring yourself that things will not always be that way. So you're not fighting your anxiety, you're accepting it and reminding yourself that you won't always be anxious. This helps slow down cyclical anxiety thoughts. And from a Buddhist perspective, it's important to accept our feelings without judgement because we are not our thoughts.

I use this method to deal with anger, as well. I sometimes get into imaginary conversations with people I am angry at while I'm trying to meditate. At first this was frustrating. I'm trying to be compassionate and kind to everyone, even people who don't deserve it. Being pissed off isn't conducive to that. But anger is always a secondary emotion. There's always an emotion behind it, making the anger. Whether that is pain, frustration, hurt feelings, fear, hunger, etc, there's always a reason you're angry.

So I sit with my anger and talk to it, and offer to hold its hand until it calms down. By meditating on my anger in this way, I am able to see deeply into the source of my anger. For example, one day, I was getting agitated thinking about my father and my extended family. I don't have good relationships with them, and that hurts. So while I meditated on my anger, and sat with it and told it it was okay to be angry, I realized the source of my anger wasn't just hurt, it was specifically that I feel like these people, who should love me and who SAY they love me, don't actually love me because I am queer and they don't accept that.

And all of a sudden, the underlying reason for my suffering hit me all at once. I just want to be loved. I immediately felt compassion for myself. And knowing this, I was able to remind myself and my anger and hurt that we are loved! Maybe those people don't understand me well enough to love me, maybe they're cruel people and I will never get their true love. But there are other people who do love me. And seeing the source of my suffering and being able to give that suffering the specific kind of compassion it needed, helped me be less angry overall.

Overall, if you struggle to meditate due to wandering thoughts, fidgetyness, or intrusive anxiety or anger, it IS possible to find a method that works for you. It might not be 100% the same method as I have outlined here, but you can find what works for you. And you'll notice a difference fairly quickly. If you can meditate regularly, those cyclical anxiety thoughts will be less frequent overall, not just during meditation.