#Magic Pest Control

[magicpestcontrolbrisbane]

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[varpusvaras]

My favorite oc ship is my two middle-aged guys, one of them being a former Church of Saints - ordained monster hunter and the other 7 feet tall bird man. The 7 feet tall bird man is the one who is staying awake at night because he is discovering that he's a humansexual

[winged-wolf-s-collection-of-arts]

Listen I'm. Fixing up my ref sheets as fast as possible before art fight

[lunamugetsu]

Danny is a house husband.

That's it, that's all it is.

As the years went on. Danny retired from being a superhero. There was no need for Phantom when the GIW were dealt with and all the ghosts were under control.

Now what's left for him to do but to just sit back, relax, and finally be able to live his life.

Sam and Tucker on the other hand....

Well, they had plenty of pent up rage, wits, and chaos inside their mind to become villains.

But they had one rule.

Never bring work home and to never involve Danny in any of their supervillain business.

Okay that's technically two rules, but they're kind of synonymous especially since Danny has been taking care of their house while also entertaining himself with trying new hobbies.

Tucker and Sam both make sure that they never bring any of their villainy home to Danny, because all they want is for Danny to enjoy his happy hero retirement.

And Danny in turn, doesn't bat an eye when watching the news and seeing that there were magical plants that were attacking sites that oil companies were digging or that somehow Lex Luthor had lost five hundred million dollars and had somehow leaked records showing he was building weapons of mass destruction.

He also doesn't bat an eye when he sees that Tucker had brought home a telescope that definitely looks like it came from some fancy lab because hey, Tucker was making him an observatory so he can look at the stars and planets. While also how they were able to make a great gaming pc with computer parts that are definitely not sold in stores, because hey at least the newest update of Doomed wasn't lagging.

Or that Sam comes home with various plants and animals that are definitely not from planet earth, but hey the three headed wolf-lizard-eagle- hybrid thing (that Danny has affectionately named Fluffy) is pretty great at keeping the pests away from his vegetable garden and likes to eat any of Danny's new food creations and is a great playmate for Cujo.

So you can imagine how the Justice League thinks when dealing with the pair of new villains: Upload (Tucker) and Sam (I could not think of a villain name that would suit her, so it's up to you what you think her villain name would be)

And how they were currently wreaking havoc in the city either by cyber warfare with robots or by magic plant monster or a Frankenstein of both approaches. The heroes had all evacuated the civilians from the battle zone and are currently fighting a losing battle. When they've been effectively captured and restrained by the two. Right before the villains could go into a monologue, they hear a person clearing their throat.

Everybody looks to see a 25 year old man wearing a sweater vest (he made it himself, thank you very much) currently holding onto the leash of a giant glowing green dog and some kind of giant animal hybrid. The man's arms were crossed and was currently not sporting a very happy look on his face.

Tucker and Sam (looking at Danny with hesitant smiles): Hi honey.

Danny (frowning): you missed our anniversary dinner.

Tucker and Sam both pale as they quickly realized what the date and time was.

The league all watch as Sam and Tucker immediately start apologizing to the man that just walked into a battle zone.

Danny (still frowning): Hmph! I guess since you two didn't want dinner you can go back to your little fight. Don't expect me to make you any lunches for the next month, and since you two are having so much fun here, you'll be sleeping by yourselves for the next couple weeks.

The league all watch as they were let go as Sam and Tucker yell as they run after Danny yelling apologies as he was walking away from them.

This is not the last they see of Danny.

When Danny is displeased with either of his partners, he'll invite a hero over to have lunch of afternoon tea.

[theplotmage]

Fantasy Royal Hierarchy & Government Explained for Dummies

👑 The Royal Hierarchy:

High King/High Queen: The ultimate ruler of all the lands. Addressed as “Your Majesty.” They oversee multiple kingdoms and have the final say in all matters.

King/Queen: The rulers of individual kingdoms. Addressed as “Your Majesty.” They manage their own territories, make laws, and lead their armies into epic battles.

Prince/Princess: The children of the king and queen. Addressed as “Your Highness.” They’re next in line for the throne and often have their own mini-kingdoms to practice ruling.

Duke/Duchess: High-ranking nobles who control large regions within the kingdom. Addressed as “Your Grace.” They’re like the regional managers, handling local governance and military affairs.

Marquess/Marchioness: Nobles who oversee border territories. Addressed as “Lord” or “Lady.” They’re responsible for defending the kingdom’s edges and often have a mix of military and administrative duties.

Earl/Countess: Nobles who manage smaller regions within the kingdom. Addressed as “Lord” or “Lady.” They’re like the middle managers, ensuring everything runs smoothly in their areas.

Viscount/Viscountess: Nobles who assist earls and countesses. Addressed as “Lord” or “Lady.” They’re like the assistant managers, helping with local governance and administration.

Baron/Baroness: The lowest rank of nobility. Addressed as “Lord” or “Lady.” They control small areas of land and are responsible for local justice and order.

Lord/Lady: A general title for nobility. Addressed as “Lord” or “Lady.” Lords and ladies can hold various ranks and responsibilities within the kingdom.

Government Structure:

🏛️ The Council: A group of high-ranking nobles and advisors who help the king or queen make important decisions. Think of them as the board of directors.

🧙 The Wizard: The royal advisor with magical powers. They provide wisdom, cast spells, and sometimes meddle in politics.

⚔️ The Knight Commander: The head of the royal army. They lead the knights and soldiers into battle and ensure the kingdom’s defense.

📜 The Chancellor: The head of the kingdom’s finances and administration. They manage the treasury, collect taxes, and oversee the kingdom’s bureaucracy.

🎭 The Bard: The kingdom’s storyteller and historian. They spread news, sing songs of heroism, and keep the royal family’s image sparkling.

Other Classes:

🌳 Elves: Graceful and wise, elves often serve as advisors, scholars, or elite warriors. They have a deep connection to nature and magic, making them invaluable in both court and battlefield.

🌾 Peasants: The backbone of the kingdom. They work the land, pay taxes, and sometimes get caught up in the schemes of the nobility. Despite their humble status, they can be heroes in their own right.

💀 Necromancers: Masters of death magic. They can raise the dead, drain life energy, and command undead minions. Often feared and misunderstood, they can be powerful allies or dangerous enemies.

📚 Scholars: Also known as sages, librarians, or loremasters. Scholars are the kingdom’s intellectuals, possessing encyclopedic knowledge. They study ancient texts, advise on matters of history and magic, and often uncover secrets that can turn the tide of events.

⚔️ Heroes: Brave individuals who embark on epic quests. They can come from any class—knights, peasants, elves, or even necromancers. Heroes are defined by their courage, skill, and willingness to face danger for the greater good.

🙏 Priests/Priestesses: Spiritual leaders who serve the gods and goddesses of the realm. They perform rituals, offer guidance, and sometimes wield divine magic. Addressed as “Father,” “Mother,” or “Your Holiness”.

🐉 Dragons: Sometimes pets, sometimes pests. Always epic. They can be guardians of treasure, wise advisors, or terrifying foes.

Servants and Other Castle Inhabitants:

Steward: Manages the household and estate. Addressed as “Master Steward.”

Chamberlain: Oversees the private chambers and personal needs of the lord or lady. Addressed as “Master Chamberlain.”

Marshal: In charge of the stables and the training of knights. Addressed as “Master Marshal.”

Cook: Prepares meals for the household. Addressed as “Master/Mistress Cook.”

Maid: Responsible for cleaning and maintaining the castle. Addressed as “Mistress Maid.”

Squire: A young noble training to become a knight. Addressed as “Squire.”

Falconer: Takes care of the hunting birds. Addressed as “Master Falconer.”

Gardener: Maintains the castle gardens. Addressed as “Master/Mistress Gardener.”

Where They Dwell:

🏰 Castle: A fortified structure built for defense and residence. It includes towers, walls, a keep, and often a moat. The castle is the main residence of the king or queen and their court.

🏛️ Court: The royal household and the place where the king or queen holds court. It includes the throne room, great hall, and various chambers for the nobles and advisors.

🏡 Manor: The residence of a noble, usually a lord or lady. It’s less fortified than a castle and focuses more on comfort and domestic life.

Pro Tips:

Royal Drama: Expect lots of intrigue, secret plots, and power struggles. It’s like a medieval reality show.

Magic: Always a wildcard. It can solve problems or create new ones.

Quests: Royals love sending heroes on epic quests. It’s their way of handling problems without getting their hands dirty.

---

[astra-ravana]

Obscure Herbs

Here’s a list of rare or lesser-known herbs and their magickal correspondences, many of which are overlooked in modern witchcraft and occult practices.

1. Cock's Comb (Alectorolophus)

• Magickal Uses: Protection, strength, and victory in battles (physical or spiritual).

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Ares, Sekhmet

• Use: Burn as incense before conflict or challenging situations for courage.

2. Asarabacca (Asarum europaeum)

• Magickal Uses: Psychic visions, breaking hexes, uncovering hidden truths.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Moon

• Associated Deities: Hekate, Thoth

• Use: Place under the pillow for prophetic dreams or use in a tea for divination.

3. Balmony (Chelone glabra)

• Magickal Uses: Healing, emotional cleansing, renewal.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Neptune

• Associated Deities: Oshun, Brigid

• Use: Burn in purification rituals or use in healing baths.

4. Birthwort (Aristolochia)

• Magickal Uses: Transformation, banishing negativity, aiding childbirth.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Ereshkigal, Demeter

• Use: Used in ancient childbirth rituals; can be burned for removing stagnant energies.

5. Blue Cohosh (Caulophyllum thalictroides)

• Magickal Uses: Feminine power, protection of mothers, fertility.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Venus

• Associated Deities: Hathor, Freyja

• Use: Carried as a charm for protection during pregnancy.

6. Calamint (Calamintha)

• Magickal Uses: Clarity, focus, preventing deception.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Mercury

• Associated Deities: Hermes, Odin

• Use: Burned to enhance mental acuity or added to charm bags for clear thinking.

7. Clary Sage (Salvia sclarea)

• Magickal Uses: Psychic awareness, third-eye activation, dream recall.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Jupiter

• Associated Deities: Apollo, Isis

• Use: Used in dream pillows or burned to enhance trance states.

8. Dittany of Crete (Origanum dictamnus)

• Magickal Uses: Spirit summoning, astral travel, love spells.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Venus

• Associated Deities: Aphrodite, Hades

• Use: Burned to enhance spiritual contact, especially in necromantic rites.

9. Figwort (Scrophularia nodosa)

• Magickal Uses: Protection against hostile spirits, shapeshifting, banishment.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Hekate, Anubis

• Use: Worn as an amulet for protection during spiritual work.

10. Fleabane (Erigeron)

• Magickal Uses: Exorcism, warding off pests (physical and energetic).

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Thor, Sekhmet

• Use: Sprinkled around a home to drive away negative energies.

11. Goat’s Rue (Galega officinalis)

• Magickal Uses: Strength, endurance, prosperity.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Pan, Cernunnos

• Use: Carried for perseverance in long-term endeavors.

12. Golden Ragwort (Packera aurea)

• Magickal Uses: Wealth, success, protection of one’s legacy.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Jupiter

• Associated Deities: Fortuna, Lakshmi

• Use: Used in prosperity spells or worn to attract wealth.

13. Herb Robert (Geranium robertianum)

• Magickal Uses: Luck, secrecy, invisibility.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Mercury

• Associated Deities: Loki, Hermes

• Use: Carried to avoid detection in magical workings.

14. Ladies’ Bedstraw (Galium verum)

• Magickal Uses: Love, protection, attracting kindness.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Venus

• Associated Deities: Aphrodite, Freyja

• Use: Placed under the bed to attract love or harmony.

15. Lungwort (Pulmonaria)

• Magickal Uses: Breath control, speaking the truth, strengthening the voice.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Mercury

• Associated Deities: Hermes, Saraswati

• Use: Used in spells for eloquence and clear speech.

16. Masterwort (Peucedanum ostruthium)

• Magickal Uses: Power, dominance, authority.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Sun

• Associated Deities: Zeus, Helios

• Use: Worn as a talisman to strengthen personal influence.

17. Moonwort (Botrychium lunaria)

• Magickal Uses: Unlocking hidden doors, breaking barriers, lunar magick.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Moon

• Associated Deities: Hekate, Selene

• Use: Used to enhance lunar rituals and to aid astral travel.

18. Pennyroyal (Mentha pulegium)

• Magickal Uses: Banishing, repelling unwanted influences, protection.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Ares, Lilith

• Use: Burned for spiritual cleansing or carried for warding off manipulation.

19. Self-Heal (Prunella vulgaris)

• Magickal Uses: Healing, self-improvement, resilience.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Venus

• Associated Deities: Brigid, Isis

• Use: Used in healing rituals or teas for emotional restoration.

20. Toadflax (Linaria vulgaris)

• Magickal Uses: Warding off curses, preventing deception, protection.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Sun

• Associated Deities: Apollo, Ra

• Use: Carried to prevent betrayal or used in warding spells.

21. Alkanet (Alkanna tinctoria)

• Magickal Uses: Protection, prosperity, hex-breaking.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Hekate, Pluto

• Use: Used in protection sachets and to anoint tools for grounding energy.

22. Angel’s Trumpet (Brugmansia spp.)

• Magickal Uses: Spirit communication, trance work, crossing between realms.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Neptune

• Associated Deities: Hekate, The Morrigan

• Use: Placed on an altar to enhance dream work and astral projection. (Highly toxic—do not ingest.)

23. Azedarach (Melia azedarach) – Chinaberry

• Magickal Uses: Warding off evil, breaking toxic attachments, commanding respect.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Ares, Kali

• Use: Leaves are carried in a sachet for personal empowerment and protection.

24. Bistort (Persicaria bistorta)

• Magickal Uses: Fertility, purification, emotional healing.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Venus

• Associated Deities: Brigid, Freyja

• Use: Used in fertility rites or healing spells for emotional wounds.

25. Bog Myrtle (Myrica gale)

• Magickal Uses: Psychic enhancement, dream work, repelling negative energy.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Mercury

• Associated Deities: Odin, Hermes

• Use: Burned as incense to enhance lucid dreaming and divination.

26. Bugloss (Anchusa officinalis)

• Magickal Uses: Courage, strengthening the will, truth-seeking.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Sun

• Associated Deities: Apollo, Thor

• Use: Carried or worn as an amulet to boost confidence and resolve.

27. Carline Thistle (Carlina vulgaris)

• Magickal Uses: Warding off disease, exorcism, strength against enemies.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Ares, Sekhmet

• Use: Hung in doorways or carried as a charm to ward off malevolent forces.

28. Celandine (Chelidonium majus)

• Magickal Uses: Success, legal matters, prophetic visions.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Jupiter

• Associated Deities: Hermes, Zeus

• Use: Used in court-case spells or placed under the pillow for prophetic dreams.

29. Centaury (Centaurium erythraea)

• Magickal Uses: Strength, breaking bad habits, healing emotional wounds.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Sun

• Associated Deities: Chiron, Asclepius

• Use: Brewed into teas for spiritual cleansing and breaking negative patterns.

30. Cudweed (Filago vulgaris)

• Magickal Uses: Spirit communication, necromancy, ancestor work.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Anubis, Hel

• Use: Burned as incense during séances or placed on ancestral altars.

31. Dropwort (Filipendula vulgaris)

• Magickal Uses: Love, attraction, enhancing charm.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Venus

• Associated Deities: Aphrodite, Freyja

• Use: Added to bath rituals for attracting a lover or enhancing beauty.

32. Elephant’s Head (Pedicularis groenlandica)

• Magickal Uses: Dreamwork, expanding consciousness, energy flow.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Uranus

• Associated Deities: Thoth, Morpheus

• Use: Used in rituals for astral projection and dream enhancement.

33. Fumitory (Fumaria officinalis)

• Magickal Uses: Exorcism, purification, breaking hexes.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Hekate, Kali

• Use: Burned to cleanse a space or added to baths for spiritual protection.

34. Great Burnet (Sanguisorba officinalis)

• Magickal Uses: Strength in adversity, courage, endurance.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Odin, Athena

• Use: Used in talismans for resilience and overcoming hardship.

35. Hound’s Tongue (Cynoglossum officinale)

• Magickal Uses: Binding, loyalty, controlling gossip.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Mercury

• Associated Deities: Hekate, Hermes

• Use: Used in spells to stop malicious talk and encourage faithfulness.

36. Jacob’s Ladder (Polemonium caeruleum)

• Magickal Uses: Divine connection, wisdom, accessing higher knowledge.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Jupiter

• Associated Deities: Zeus, Thoth

• Use: Used in meditation to enhance spiritual insight.

37. Loosestrife (Lythrum salicaria)

• Magickal Uses: Peace, balancing emotions, calming conflicts.

• Element: Water

• Planet: Moon

• Associated Deities: Kuan Yin, Selene

• Use: Burned or carried for emotional balance and conflict resolution.

38. Mouse-ear Hawkweed (Pilosella officinarum)

• Magickal Uses: Clairvoyance, invisibility, sharpening the mind.

• Element: Air

• Planet: Mercury

• Associated Deities: Loki, Hermes

• Use: Used in vision-enhancing spells or to increase focus.

39. Pellitory of the Wall (Parietaria judaica)

• Magickal Uses: Breaking barriers, removing obstacles, gaining access.

• Element: Earth

• Planet: Saturn

• Associated Deities: Janus, Ganesha

• Use: Used in road-opening spells to remove blockages to success.

40. Scabious (Scabiosa columbaria)

• Magickal Uses: Protection against deceit, uncovering hidden enemies.

• Element: Fire

• Planet: Mars

• Associated Deities: Ares, Nemesis

• Use: Carried as an amulet for protection in matters of secrecy or deception.

[demonic0angel]

Dc x Dp : Tucker, as a reincarnated pharoah, has magicians frequently bursting in to wherever he is to kidnap him, or steal his body parts to do evil rituals for power. They also get real offended that he cares more about tech than he does magic. Luckily Danny is always on standby.

Tucker idly watched the magicians try to capture him. His mechanical arms (definitely not inspired by Doc Ock) batted away the spells. Thankfully, Sam had warded them pretty efficiently, so it was pretty much impervious to any magical attempts at destroying or controlling it.

He turned back to his tablet, wishing he had his PDA but the last time he tried using her while someone was attacking him, they had knocked her onto the ground and broken her screen.

Tucker inwardly clenched a fist and shed a tear. Never again.

"Are you not scared?! Fear us! Tremble in terror before we take control of your domain!"

Tucker waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to mourn my PDA here."

They looked shocked before they doubled their efforts in trying to get past his mechanical guards and wards.

"How dare you! Fear us!!"

Tucker sighed in exasperation. Weren't these guys from another world? Wasn't there supposed to be people who stopped them from going into the Ghost Zone to wreck havoc?

Tucker gave himself another reminder to send, yet again, another email to the one annoying tax-evading, headache-inducing, paperwork-causing occult detective to watch his world's pests, still ignoring the enraged magicians.

It was a hard job to be Danny's secretary.

The door burst open again and Danny stood, arms outstretched and a snarl on his face. The magicians paused and then moved to attack him. There was a shout and then Danny started blasting.

Tucker stopped to watch him for only a moment longer before he turned back to his tablet.

Moments later, Sam skidded to a halt outside of the room and then dove inside to join the fray.

Tucker peacefully continued working amidst the cries of pain from the angry magicians and the battle cries of Sam and Danny.

It was nice to be protected. If only they could keep the destruction of his room to a minimum...

[magicpestcontrolbrisbane]

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[cup-o-stars]

Relativity Falls Lore Concept- The Oracle and Bill

The Oracle:

I was initially inspired by the Twitter user @SUwu159's depiction of the Oracle in their take on Relativity Falls, and made my own adaptation as I learned about her in canon.

(Assume she can change colors because I couldn't pick what I liked most)

This version of The Oracle isn't malicious per se, and does not desire the same conquest or chaos sought out by Bill. But she likes universes to be organized and quaint (or answers to another high power that demands it), and finds fulfillment in achieving these goals through any means necessary.

The Oracle and Dipper:

(Sorry if this dialogue tastes like a corndog in your mouth. I just needed to write a semi-resolution to Dipper's side of the relationship, ha.)

Getting into the real struggle with the Pines family. Dipper and Mabel don't fight and hold grudges like the Stans (that we've seen of), so my opinion is that they drifted apart in their late teens and twenties, both feeling pressured to be less attached at the hip. My current belief (though I'm very willing to rewrite this section) is that Mabel and Dipper both poured a lot of energy into pretty niche fields, and being very busy meant very short and rare windows to reach out. Both assumed the other was doing bigger and better things and felt self conscious / childish for wanting eachother's company.

I'm still considering Mabel's backstory, since I think she probably hit lower points than Dipper. You know. Starving artist, lol. But Dipper entered into paranormal investigation, pest control, etc. before his ghost + monster catching went far enough for his name to gain some notoriety. Hell, maybe Pacifica's family reached out to him to take care of "rats" that were actually ghosts, cementing his interest in Gravity Falls and giving him a window inter supernatural work.

Dipper was taken on as something of an apprentice to the Oracle 30ish years before canon as word of his good and dangerous deeds spread. However, what was at first a personal dream come true (saving lives with nerd magic) soon became a personal hell as the Oracle began to overwhelm Dipper with knowledge of various futures and universes where everything he cared about could be destroyed. He's always been over prepared and incredibly paranoid, and became obsessed with protecting the world by acting as a partner to the Oracle.

He ends up doing- or not doing- a lot of morally ambiguous things and gaining a lot of enemies. He is too ashamed to face his family- especially Mabel- with what he's done and burden them, giving the Oracle more to use against him to keep him working for her. Basically "you've already done all this and risked it all, there's nowhere to go if you stop now." Eventually this ends in her seeing him fit for her work and convincing him to hide out in and save other universes, which he gets trapped doing for the next three decades.

Little throw away idea: Pacifica could have been an investor or partner, but left as they uncovered secrets about the Northwest family. Maybe she wanted to undo something (debating making any of the Oracle's powers time related just because I hate time travel) or stop a current show of corruption, but Dipper had to stop her for the "greater good."

In the main universe, Mabel goes to Gravity Falls upon news of her brother's disappearance, searching for any loose end to trace back to him.

I love that in canon, Dipper is willing to do anything for Mabel, and Mabel gives it back. Dipper here spends all of his life keeping as many versions of her as safe as he can, and she spends all her life trying go seek him out- maybe even dropping a larger opportunity outside of Gravity Falls for her art and settling on business at the shack. Dipper wants Mabel alive, Mabel wants them both happy. I like the idea that it's Dipper and Mable vs. The Future but the future is a demon, alien thing.

Which leads me to...

Bill Cipher:

I'm actually gonna cover a couple versions of Bill I think are fitting for this AU, because I initially wasn't sure if I wanted him here at all.

Child Bill:

Pretty straight forward. Bill as a baby, child thing is tempting and this is the au where he'd exist. Personally though, I think Ford's friendship with Fidds would be more enriching to his growth, and Bill's personality is so close to Stan's they would likely be competing to fill very similiar roles. (If Bill behaves differenty as kid, I don't know about it.) Honestly, Bill is super similiar to Ford and Stan, and works better as a kind of foil or antagonist because of that (imo). I do find the mental image of Ford carrying Bill around funny. I do not enjoy human bill like, conceptually, so I'm probably never gonna design one as an adult or child, lol.

It would be cool to see a world where Bill didn't accidentally kill his parents though.

Bill - Reincarnated Original

Technically I guess they could all be reincarneted (especially baby Bill), but this version of Bill experienced and holds memories of the original canon events in GF. Beings like Bill and the Oracle can remember recent/soon approaching lives, and catch glimpses of more distant cycles as well.

What I like about Bill's recent role as an antagonist to Ford and Stan is that he constantly describes them in the terms of their worst traits, and sees them through the lens of the roles the world placed on them. In this AU, Bill is the epitome of the past (in this case a past life) coming back to bite the twins. He rattles their progress in communication as well as their sense of inner peace by bringing old Glass Shard Beach issues into Gravity Falls.

(Depicted here-> moments after Ford summons Bill using the same ritual as Gideon.)

The drawback to this is that it feels a lot like covering old ground.

Simply Bill:

This is pretty much just regular old Bill with the same fresh perspective as everyone else, and also the one I'm going with. He tried and failed to get Dipper's trust in the past and had to lay low at the arrival of the Oracle. Once they left, Bill targeted Mabel. I think it could be very interesting for Mabel and Bill to either have a fresh relationship wherein Bill is actively taking advantage of her desperation to find Dipper, or for Bill to be an old betrayal (not romantic, but not dissimilar to the opportunistic exes Stan and Ford have to be wary of and beat back under the rug regardless).

Either he shows himself to Mable early on, or decides that Gravity Falls is both Oracle-free and worth the time after either Ford or Mable summon him. Afterall, 30 years isn't much to him.

Maybe he exists in the background like he's always done, or the kids (being snoopy and disrespectful of Mabel's secrets) discover what Mabel's doing and run into him on their own.

Whether Bill is aware of the original series or not, I think he could be neat to stick in between Stan and Ford again for conflict. My favorite aspect about Relativity Falls is the prospects of the Stans having a larger support system and better tools to help themselves with. Beating Bill faster and better would be the ultimate testament to Mabel and Dipper's skills as functioning role models, even if Mabel is currently blinded by her focus on Dipper.

Stan and Ford will fight and they will make up, but this time maybe they can overcome it on their own.

I also think a good idea is having Ford and Stan's issues be completely Bill free (outside of like an episode or two's worth of relevance, unless he put them into a particularly stinging situation). It would feel fresher and also streamline the plot, lol.

Overview:

- Dipper is stuck travelling the multiverse with the Oracle and keeps himself sane by thinking of Mabel and protecting various versions of her.

- Mabel is investigating his disappearance in Gravity Falls and is working on a portal/portal equivalent with Bill to bring him back.

- The kids may or may not be aware of this.

Looking at the main series of events, I think it'd be neat go back to the apprenticeship conflict, where Ford could be approached by the Oracle (or something else that makes sense) with the promise of being a "hero," but knows better now because of Dipper and his experiences with Bill. It's kind of a more convoluted version of Ford's proposal to Dipper in canon, and they basically learn the same thing, lol. You can hang out with ghosts if you want, but demons are gonna get you. Maybe being a child with siblings is all you need.

(Stan could also be offered this, given the Oracle already knew he- or at least someone with his face- would beat Bill, but I think it's well established he isn't very interested in doing anything without family.)

All in all, things might be a bit crowded with two antagonists. But I do like the concept of Bill's arrival and subsequent chaos triggering Dipper and the Oracle's return to Mabel's dimension. I also love the idea of Bill, the Oracle, and some secret third thing all trying to pull the Pines family apart, and it's like a Man vs. God turned into a Family vs. Destiny thing, idk. Just trying to make it feel bigger.

Thank you for reading all this. It was a lot to draw. Next time I do anything for Relativity Falls, I'm gonna go back to the smaller things like Mabel bonding with the kids and stuff like that.

[gay-mormon-wizard]

I am a TRADITIONAL MORMON and I follow TRADITIONAL MORMON VALUES

I am a COMMUNIST

I believe in PRISON ABOLITION

when I see someone being HOMOSEXUAL or TRANSSEXUAL, I mind my OWN DAMN BUSINESS

I support ROBUST URBAN PLANNING

I think all young women should learn INTEGRATED PEST CONTROL

I like my women how I like my men: VOTING IN EVERY ELECTION and BECOMING DOCTORS

I believe people are INHERENTLY GOOD and need to be ENCOURAGED WITH COMPASSION, not CONTROLLED WITH AUTHORITARIANISM

I think HANDCARTS are the BEST WAY TO TRAVEL

I practice WITCHCRAFT, MAGIC, DIVINATION, and ASTROLOGY

FOLLOW MY BLOG FOR MORE TRADITIONAL MORMON BELIEFS

[ducksido]

Hello hello, love your writing :)

Could we have some interactions with the overblot boys and a reader who is terrified of spiders? Like, there's a spider in Ramshackle, and y/n either wants them to kill it or hide in their dorm.

-🐁 anon

Riddle Rosehearts

"It's just a spider—wait, Yuu? Are you...crying?"

You had been frozen mid-step in the common room, eyes locked on a massive, hairy spider crawling up the wall. The second Riddle walked in, you let out a trembling, “Get it. Get it right now or I’m sleeping outside.”

Riddle, assuming it was something serious, followed your trembling finger. "...That?" He tried to lecture you—something about rational fears and the spider being more afraid of you than you are of it—but you started tearing up.

“Oh Great Seven—fine! Stand back. I’ll eliminate it.”

He whacked it with a rolled-up rulebook. Then cast Flame just to be sure. You’re not sure if it was necessary, but hey. It’s dead. He ends up brewing calming tea for you and even checks the rest of Ramshackle for more eight-legged threats—just in case.

Leona Kingscholar

“You’re making that face over a bug?”

You practically tackled him the moment he entered the dorm. “There’s a spider the size of a hand in my room. Kill it. Please.”

Leona squinted at you like you’d just asked him to wrestle a ghost. “Seriously? You’ve survived overblots, and this is what takes you out?”

He sauntered into your room, not even flinching as he picked up a boot and squashed it in one motion. He didn’t even look.

“Done. You owe me a nap.”

You’re still shaking. He sighs, grabs your hand, and pulls you onto the couch with him. “Next time, just call Jack. He likes bugs.” He smirks when you bury your face in his shoulder.

Azul Ashengrotto

“W-What do you want me to do?! It’s got legs, Yuu!”

You screamed so loud Azul almost dropped the Mostro Lounge daybooks. The cause? A wolf spider on your kitchen counter.

He tried to play it cool. “Oh? A spider? Surely you’re overreact—OH GREAT SEVEN THAT’S HUGE.”

Neither of you wants to get close. You throw a shoe. It misses. He throws a contract. It flutters uselessly to the floor.

Eventually, Jade wanders in and plucks the spider up like it’s a pet, smiling. Azul covers his eyes. You cling to him like he’s a teddy bear.

Azul does start offering a pest control contract later though. For “future arachnid-related trauma,” he says. You consider it.

Jamil Viper

“Yuu—wait, did you say spider?”

You sprint into Scarabia like your life depends on it, grabbing Jamil by the arm and gasping, “There’s a spider in my sink. I can’t sleep there. I’ll scream. I did scream. It’s staring at me.”

Jamil freezes. “…Spider?” You nod, wide-eyed. He visibly pales.

“Nope. No. Uh-uh,” he mutters, subtly backing away like the spider might teleport into the room. “I—I hate those things. They’ve got too many legs. They move wrong.”

But you’re practically vibrating with fear, and his instincts to take care of you override his own phobia.

“Okay. Fine. We’re doing this. Together. Like survivors.”

You both head back to Ramshackle armed with a broom, a dustpan, and three bug sprays. Jamil’s got the broom out like a sword and sends you to “watch his back.”

You both shriek when it moves. Eventually, he traps it under a bowl and throws the whole thing out the window—with magic. Not touching it. Not today.

You both collapse on the couch, traumatized but victorious.

“No one tells Kalim,” he pants. You nod. Solidarity.

Later, he sneaks lemongrass into your windows... and his own. Just in case.

Vil Schoenheit

“It had how many eyes?”

You screamed and nearly fainted on the spot, pointing at a dark blob skittering across your hallway. Vil arrived in dramatic fashion, cape swishing, heels clicking.

“Did someone die?!” he asked. “No,” you whispered, clutching his arm. “Worse. It has eight legs.”

Vil sighed like you just told him you got gum in your hair during a photoshoot. He snapped his fingers. Rook came in with precision aim and caught the spider under a glass.

“It’s handled, mon lapin. But do please let me gift you with proper home pest-repellents. And maybe a self-defense class.”

You end up with eucalyptus oil sachets and a personal spider evacuation bell.

Idia Shroud

“K-Kill it yourself!! I’m not a tank character IRL!!”

You Facetime him in tears. “I’m gonna die. There’s a spider the size of a tarantula guarding my closet.”

Idia, in his dark room surrounded by screens, gapes at you.

“A spider boss?! No way I’m coming in there! I’m not built for this!”

But you threaten to delete your friendship file in his system. So he panics, puts on like three layers of clothes, gloves, and a helmet, and tiptoes into Ramshackle like it’s a horror game.

Eventually, he vacuum traps the thing after a lot of squealing.

You reward him with snacks. He proudly tells Ortho he’s officially “levelled up IRL bravery stat +1.”

Malleus Draconia

“Ah. A child of the earth. Curious.”

You scream so loud he teleports in. “What dark force has dared to—oh. It’s...a spider.”

You cling to him. "Please. Kill it. Burn it. I don’t care."

He tilts his head, watching the tiny creature crawl up the fireplace. “Where I come from, spiders are symbols of good luck. But if it frightens you…”

He gently scoops it into his palm with magic, opens the window, and lets it go. “You are safe now, Child of Man.”

You’re not sure if you’re touched or horrified. He notices your shaken breath and holds you close, murmuring ancient fae lullabies until your heart slows again.

[glitterandwitchcraft]

I just planted several marigolds to use as pest control and to eat so here's some witchy info about them!

They're associated with the sun and bring a warm, happy energy to workings

Commonly used in protection spells due to the fact that they work well as natural pest control

Historical uses of these flowers include celebrations for the dead, and due to this, they are also associated with despair in love and missing a loved one

The tagetes genus has strong cultural ties to Aztecs and are still used in dia de los muertos celebrations

They also have an uplifting and relaxing energy associated with them making them amazing for tea magic

[rosesnr0t]

can I request platonic yandere beast cookies x reader who has difficulty with hearing(if you don't want to do all of them you can do shadow milk or eternal sugar)

Yandere!Beast Cookies Headcanons (with a reader who has difficulty with hearing)

Shadow Milk Cookie:

• Shadow Milk initially teases you for your hearing difficulty. But over time, he becomes strangely fixated on the silence between you—finding it eerily intimate.

• He whispers secrets you can’t fully hear—on purpose. Then watches your expression intently, thrilled by the control of knowing something you don’t.

• Will magically create illusions to “translate” his messages—just for you—but they’re always abstract and confusing on purpose so that only he can explain them clearly.

• Anyone who tries to help you communicate better gets twisted into some “pest” in his eyes. He starts believing only he should speak for you.

• Despite his darkness, he genuinely tries to protect you from trouble. “The world lies through sound,” he murmurs, “Let me filter it for you.”

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Eternal Sugar Cookie:

• Eternal Sugar will use it to her advantage, finding ways to convince you to stay with her in the garden so she can help you. “Why strain to listen when you can just… rest?” She’d say. “No more effort, no more noise.”

•  Your every need is met in the garden, especially with your hearing, so she doesn’t understand why you’d want to go out and live life normally.

• Tries to coddle you into eternal sloth, treating your hearing difficulty as a sign you should “stay still and safe.”

• Uses gentle telepathic communication that feels like syrupy thoughts drifting into your mind—calming but subtly addicting.

• She’ll “get rid of” those who interrupt your “peace.” In her mind, anyone trying to stimulate or “wake you up” is hurting you.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Mystic Flour Cookie:

• Mystic Flour speaks in soft, monotonous tones—almost as if she’s trying not to burden your ears. She respects your silence, but not your desire for agency.

• She projects the idea that your hearing loss makes you above the noise of the world. “You are spared from the chaos. That is beauty.”

• Constructs surreal, silent visions just for you—and they always speak in movement rather than sound.

• If you show signs of wanting more communication, she becomes cold: “Why speak at all? It changes nothing.”

• She neutralizes anyone who makes you feel overwhelmed or pushes you toward change. You’re safest with her.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Burning Spice Cookie:

• At first, he struggles not to shout constantly. But when he learns about your hearing difficulty, he becomes hyper-focused on being understood by you—and only you.

• He creates vivid fire glyphs in the air to communicate with you—like explosions of light spelling his words. It’s dramatic but heartfelt.

• Anyone who patronizes you or talks over you? He burns them to ash. “They think you’re weak? LET THEM SAY THAT AGAIN.”

• He treats you like his silent partner-in-chaos. You’re the only one who “can entertain him” without words.

• Sometimes he screams just to test your reaction, then gets weirdly emotional when you don’t flinch. “You’re not afraid…?”

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Silent Salt Cookie

• He never speaks unless absolutely necessary—and he adores that you don’t expect him to. To him, you are the embodiment of peaceful stillness.

• Uses precise gestures, eye contact, and salt sigils to “speak” to you. He believes your hearing difficulty is a gift—proof that silence is sacred.

• Becomes deeply offended if anyone tries to “fix” or accommodate your hearing. He sees it as an insult to your identity.

• Guards you fiercely in silence, threatening anyone who disturbs your peace. To him, the world must be quiet to honor you.

• If you express discomfort, he mistakes it as a spiritual fracture—offering quiet rituals and sensory deprivation to “cleanse” you.

[efy727]

Role Swap AU: Susie and Taranza

Hey, hey, hey, new roleswap au!

Ok, ok. I finally decided to post this. This thing is being in the works since 2023. I originally kept it to myself as I perfected the designs and story (and got swept away by other projects...) but here it is: My Kirby Role Swap Au!

It started out with just the idea what if THESE TWO swapped roles. Triple Deluxe and Planet Robobot are some the most thematic heavy games, gardens and technology, fairytales and sci-fi, a kingdom and a company.

I kind of goes against my usual patterns, I usually show off main characters first, but I think this duo represents better my vision. I'll slowly showcase other characters whenever I get the chance.

Anyway, let me elaborate in my au versions of these characters.

Taranza:

A young inventor from a distant planet and a rather recent hire of Sectra Labs Inc., a company that specializes in biotechnology and bionics, that is genetic manipulation and mechanical enhancements. This company explores the universe to harvest new specimens for their experiments. In their travels, Taranza hopes of reuniting with an old friend.

When thinking about this au, I didn't want things to be just changing roles, but also a few story details and how they play out. So, I made SLI a bio tec company instead of a robotics one.

Taranza, then, doesn't use magic but his own inventions (he doesn't have any genetic alterations as he is new). I drew how electricity just bolts from his gloves, he also has invisibility and a sticky solution he can shoot. I also gave him these expressive goggles just because I like those.

In story, he is a bit peeved about having to deal with the interloper in his first planetary harvest trip; but we also get to see a dorkier side of him as he gushes about what he or the company has made to deal with the pink pest, I'm thinking Varian from Tangled.

But also, as the plot moves, he grows concerned about how intrusive the harvest process actually is as he joined for a legit interest of helping improving lives using processes of nature, like Joronia used to do. Oh, the pain he will find in the end.

Susie:

Through the islands of Crystalia descended a mysterious lady who captured Lord Meta Knight, but why? Whatever her mission is, she won't tell. Yet it's clear she will use any tricks to not let anyone get in her way. With her magic crystal, she can control the elements.

Oh Susie, Susie, Susie. I had this long conundrum. Ok, Tanzy has mechanical enhancements to replace magic, but in a way different to how Susie uses tech (it wasn't always like that); but how do I do something similar to Susie?

I came up with the wand, but that wasn't enough. This came up to me recently, but what if she could just create elemental armor around her? Something like how certain character does in Ninjago Dragons Rising; but is wind, is water, it can be anything! She does have other things too, like her crossbow.

She is a woman on a mission, but this time is Crystalia instead of Floralia. I wanted something natural and pretty, but that kinda aligns better with the characters involved. Kirby still has to climb the Dreamstalk using Sunstones, though.

Opossed to Taranza, Susie seems to have some sort of secret plan. She is less chatty, acts more somber. Could it be related to her being a wanted fugitive by the kingdom?

--

Ok, this winded up longer than intended. I hope you find my idea interesting. I'll get to more entries when I can, might drop at random days, I have other projects I want out. Could look up "EFY's Kirby role swap au" to find more entries... or just follow me (・・。)ゞ

Thanks for taking some interest!

[swimming-karyss]

Sabo: loneliness, connection and affection

Trying to organise my thoughts on this matter hehe

I just thought that Sabo's relationship with loneliness and connection are very interesting, and not much people talk about how terribly lonely his childhood days were(even compared to Ace&Luffy).

Ace has been alienated from people from the beginning. Raised in the middle of the jungle, by bandits who never showed much affection, and who repeated the same hurtful words as others did. The state of loneliness is the norm for him. He has never known any other life. Naturally, he'd be protective of what little he has(Sabo) and reluctant to open up and accept new connections(Luffy).

As for Luffy, he has been left alone. Shanks left him after a year staying at Windmill village. Garp constantly took him out of his regular life only to leave him alone in the jungle. And he as well took him away from the village and Makino, after he ate his devil fruit. And while he didn't have [present] parents, he had been cared for. Luffy knows the difference between loneliness and companionship. Which is why he chased Ace's recognition so much.

Sabo's situation is more similar to Luffy's.

But do you ever think that Sabo loved his parents? That he wanted them to love him too? He wouldn't have drawn them if he didn't. He wouldn't be so disheartened at their dismissal if he hated them from the start. But his parents made their love conditional. Sabo had to earn their love and his happiness, while they ignored his pain and attempts to connect. 

And as you know this kind of relationship could leave a lasting impact on how one navigates their future relationships! But on that later😊

Now, Sabo ran away and that opened a whole other can of worms. He's a child, that for five years didn't have anyone to rely on. Of course, Ace was with him, but after he left for the day, Sabo was left completely alone. I mean, at least Ace had Dadan and occasionally Makino and Garp, they shared meals together, he could turn to them in case something happened and they provided him with company and a roof above his head. Sabo lived on the Gray Terminal by himself, in a place where people considered him either a troublemaker to avoid, or a pest to get rid of (those like pirates and bandits). So through Ace and Luffy Sabo gains not only brothers but also other connections and people who care about him! And he welcomes both Dadan and Makino with a bright smile :) Now that I think about it, just like Ace told him about Luffy, he also must've told Sabo about them too🥹

And while all this is nice, his previous problems didn't go away magically. 

(… But his issues aren't stated or shown as explicitly as Ace and Luffy's, so they are easier to dismiss.)

Even though Sabo trusted Ace with his life, he still kept his origins a secret from him, whether it was because he felt them insignificant compared to Ace's or because he feared abandonment in case Ace would be disappointed. And he was more than willing to keep his secret until the very end - Luffy&Ace literally had to beat(strangle) the truth out of him. Sabo also put distance between them in another way too: Ace thought the two of them would sail together, Sabo didn't.

That is honestly also a point to how controlling his parents were. Sabo wanted freedom so much that he didn't mind the loneliness that came with it. Well, he got what he wanted ;) 

Now it would be easy to say that his amnesia also erased his trauma. But it didn't! Sabo still felt hid parents' influence. (And unlike the other weird amnesia case (the sea sure likes to take people's memories huh) - Big Mom - he didn't revert to his younger self, he only lost access to his memories, his feelings and 'character development' remained). If anything it only led to Sabo not being able to identify the cause of his issues → not being able to treat them properly. Now, the RA seem like decent guys, they very well could be the needed support system for Sabo, but again, it's an army with a whole lot of other issues to deal with. So either way his trauma most likely was allowed to fester for a while as we see its consequences show in his adulthood. 

Even though Sabo seems to be doing well as an adult, there's still some signs of emotional distance. He has never reciprocated a hug, even though he doesn't have a problem with physical touch in general, he didn't even think about approaching Luffy in Dressrosa at first and was very tense when actually talking to him. And it's honestly fascinating just how stiff his body language was in Dressrosa (maybe I'll talk about it in general some other time) - be it shock or anger he keeps his arms to his body, unlike Koala or Hack, who choose violence.

He also showed barely any reaction during Vegapunk's speech despite the panelling focusing on him specifically. I'd say he mostly keeps his negative emotions in check, bc in Robin's little flashback he was quite expressive! The main counterpoint is 'special Luff' where he is very open about his anger, but he has a really decent reason for it: his feelings being made fun of. And as you'll see later it's a very sensitive topic for him →

To begin with, he avoids talking about things that have emotionally impacted him in any way.

1.This one might be a stretch, but he begins to talk about his encounter with Fujitora, only not to say anything in the end, idk what's wrong with him; 2. After a very emotional fight with Burgess Sabo dismisses any worries without even mentioning the fight; 3. He refuses to talk with Hack about Luffy, even though we know that he loves to yap about him to Dragon. And that is right after he didn't want to wake Luffy up to even say goodbye! He also changes the topic quickly so Karasu wouldn't be able to further question him.

Even though these scenes are played as gags, he really seems to have trouble with emotional intimacy and opening up about his feelings. And that makes him seem inattentive and irresponsible, thus affecting his relationships with others even more… 

And speaking of which, he is accustomed with either suppressing his feelings or at least just keeping them in check. He hides his worries from his colleagues, appearing as cheerful as always. And during his meeting with Dragon and Iva he brushes aside his guilt and grief for king Kobra (but, I mean it's a work meeting, they need to be professional) and never once he acknowledges his injuries.

And if he's willing to disregard such a thing as grief, how do you think he really feels about his new title, which was gained by the blood of a man he failed to save?

And frankly, right now we don't know much about Sabo! We know about his childhood, and the way he presents himself now(and that is some material to work with), but the 12 years in the Revolutionary Army are a mystery, and again it's an army, I bet he's seen many things, especially considering how high his position is!

tldr: like Luffy, Sabo has a special relationship with loneliness and abandonment. But unlike Luffy, who especially in pre-ts hated separation, Sabo pushes people away. And what makes it even harder for others to connect with him, is that he tends to hide his feelings and problems.

(like a cat)

but again, I might be reading something wrong, my bad

[tswwwit]

Widower part three! Containing syrup, Idaho, and other interesting facts.

Part One is here, and Part Two is here.

“Welp! With the chores outta the way,” Bill dusts his hands off, turning this way and that as he examines the empty field. He reels on Dipper, eye-smiling in his strange, triangular manner. “What am I gonna do with you?”

Dipper frowns, but doesn’t speak. He’s not dignifying that with a response.

Beside him, Mabel clears her throat, nudging him with an elbow. When he levels his glare at her, she returns it, in a clear ‘don’t piss off the super-powerful demon’ look.

He makes a face right back. What if he wants to piss off the super-powerful demon? Did she think about that? It’s not like they’re in danger. Mostly. The wide-eyed look of frustration he gets in return makes him roll his eyes.

Bill interrupts, clearing the throat he doesn’t have. “As touching as your fleshy blood-related bonding is - super gross, by the way -” He waves towards his terrible demonic base. “How ‘bout checking out the digs? See all the cooler things? Settle in!”

Mabel grimaces; Dipper merely rubs his temples. 

More stuff after flipping his concept of magic and physics on the head, great. He totally wanted to have his brain explode, literally - 

Another elbow to the side; Mabel, pointing out the winged eyeballs flying distantly overhead - and honestly? Point. They should probably stick by the guy who can fend off laser-shooting demonic pests.

“Great.” Dipper says, waving Bill forward with a grandness he doesn’t feel. “Lead the way.”

Bill does as requested. with considerable aplomb. He even gives a little mocking bow, tipping his hat, before he brings his two human captives back to his lair. Super cool. Definitely not ominous.

Dipper slinks along in Bill’s path, half-listening to him talk as they wander back into the black halls of the Fearamid. The stone makes almost no sound against his sneakers, while Bill himself makes none at all with his floating bullshit.

“Don’t make that face, kid,” Bill says, rolling his eye at Dipper’s askance look. “You won’t find a more comfy pad to hang out than the ol’ Fearamid! Trust me!”

Dipper grunts instead of a response. It’s a point he would love to refute, except. It is kind of comfy, in a weird way. 

Bill’s lair has demonic air conditioning, or something, so the temperature’s neither too hot nor too cool. The halls are roomy, with no demons in sight for now, and though the non-euclidean construction is strange, it’s not too confusing. Almost like a puzzle he’s already solved.

Which is a good thing, really. Odds are they’re going to see a lot more of the place. 

Bill leads him and his sister on another merry trip through his incomprehensible fortress, heavy bass from the party pounding in the walls, and he talks constantly. The noise is terrible - and the amount of bragging one triangle manages to produce per second is way too high.

Though considering what Dipper’s just seen… the boasts aren’t entirely unwarranted. 

Sure, Bill’s shown off his magic before. He loves a good show, and tries to make his excursions exciting. He’s turned people into statues, blasted a few buildings into dust, mutated animals, controlled the weather -

But those were just advanced versions of typical demon powers. The logical assumption was that he was an extra-potent version of your standard demon grunt, and his bragging pure bluster. 

Turns out all the shit Bill talked? Actually comes with the insane, physics-defying reality manipulating chops to back it up. 

Dipper studies demons, it’s his job, and even he didn’t anticipate… that.

Bill Cipher is a bigger threat than anyone expected. Ever. A king not just in name, but in power. A monster among monsters. An immense, annoying, violent threat.

Dipper has to tell people. Spread the word. Let them what they’re really facing, the danger lurking latent inside this fortress - 

But he’s trapped here, guided along by a madman with delusions of matrimony, with absolutely no one to warn about it. Except Mabel, who already knows.

And hell, who’d believe him if he did get the word out? Dipper barely believes it, and he saw it all firsthand.

He shivers, though the Fearamid isn’t cold. He stuffs his hands in his pockets, keeping his head down and his thoughts to himself. 

The one relief is Mabel. In her continued, alive presence, in having another witness to the insanity - and in how she somehow keeps up with all Bill’s rambling bullshit.

“So, you just sent, like, a billion people flying.” Mabel says, thankfully breaking from the weird fashion tangent they’d been on. “Where did you send everyone?” 

“Eh. Places.” Bill says, with his usual specificity. He turns his eye on Dipper before the interruption can even start to form. “They’re fine, kid. Dropped ‘em off in the nearest big human city. Might not be where they were picked up, but your guys can take it from there!”

Well… That didn’t sound like a lie, so. Everyone’s safe. Probably. And it would be unreasonable for Bill to pick out each and every person and figure out where he figurined them. 

It’s still annoying. But complaining about how Bill released two thousand captives sounds petty even to Dipper, so he keeps his mouth shut. 

As far as deals go, he just pulled possibly the most one-sided one in history - and it wasn’t in Bill’s favor.

His palm still tingles. He rubs it against his jeans rapidly, until it feels hot enough to ignore.

“So…” Mabel continues, hesitant. She taps the tips of her index fingers together, not meeting Bill’s eye. “What about me and Dipper?”

She says it with a hint of hope and a cheerful smile. Dipper sighs again. Optimism. So like his sister - and so misguided.

“C’mon, wasn’t it obvious? You two are sticking with me.” Bill says, resoundingly smug. He slings an arm over Mabel’s shoulders. The other travels a good distance before capturing Dipper, but inevitably drags him in. “Gotta say, it’s been a while since I’ve had mortals hang out in the Fearamid! Kinda nostalgic.”

Yep. No shot they were leaving. Bill already said he was going to help them ‘settle in’, and that means they’re in for the long haul.

After all. He has a ‘wedding’ to plan. 

While Dipper’s unimpressed look doesn’t land, Bill takes in Mabel's wide-eyed stare - and rolls his eye again.

“Don’t gimme that look, Shooting Star! You should be flattered! Being a guest at my place is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Well,” He turns to Dipper and winks, a surprising feat with one eye. “Twice, in some cases.”

Ah, yes. The delusion. Dipper hasn’t come up with a good argument against it yet, so he flips this asshole off. Bill beams at him, brightening up and squeezing his shoulder. 

Mabel tugs nervously at the hem of her sweater, though she keeps up a smile. The knitting pulls out in loops, and she weaves her fingers into them. “So are we, uh.”

“Safe? Ha! Safety’s a delusion to keep mortal minds safe from existential despair!” Bill says cheerfully. “But, eh, no one here’s gonna mess with you if I have anything to say about it. And I do! At length! With extreme violence if needed!” 

“Great.” Dipper says again. He stalks forward, nearly getting away from the arm around his shoulders - until Bill darts over to keep it up, leaving Mabel unmolested. “So we’re captives.”

“Ahem. Guests,” Bill chides, nudging angle against side.  “You and me got a wedding to think of, and your sister’s obviously gonna be your Best Man.” He points double finger-guns at Mabel, who’s already perked up at the prospect. “While you get to be the co-star of the show! An entire constellation, even!”

“I know,” Dipper snaps. “You’ve made your intentions pretty clear.”

Though he’s tempted to shrug Bill’s arm off, he holds back. Breathing in, then out again slowly. 

Less of a cold shoulder. That was their deal. A few annoyances are a fair price for two thousand lives. Dipper figures he can put up with it a little longer. 

That, and the consequences for breaking a deal are, almost universally, painful. He’d rather not find out how theirs works.

Actually getting married, though? That wasn’t part of their agreement, and Bill’s an idiot for not including it in his terms. There’s room to resist. To fight this asshole, in word and in deed.

If Bill thinks he’s gonna get everything he wants? He’s got another thing coming. 

“Jeez, you’re grumpy this time ‘round,” Bill says with a sigh. Patting Dipper’s shoulder, he slows to a stop. “Your sister already got her four hundred winks in - but I think you need a nap.”

“Or a sandwich,” Mabel chimes in, unhelpfully. She leans in, stage whispering into Bill’s side. “He gets really hangry.” 

“Ha! See, now that’s the kinda insight a guy can work with.” Bill points at her with both hands, then gives a double thumbs-up. “Your sister’s pretty decent again, sapling! I approve.”

Mabel, buoyed by the compliment, sticks her tongue out at her underestimating, ungrateful older brother - then blinks. “Wait. Again?”

God, right. She hasn’t heard the whole story yet. 

Dipper waves off her questioning look, with a hint of apology. “Later.” 

When they’re not in earshot of the insane demon. Explaining will be hard enough without Bill adding extra ‘details’.

“So! Since the wedding’s a ways off, you both need a place to crash. And we’re already here!” Bill releases Dipper - finally - and spreads his arms wide. “Ta-da!”

Dipper glances around. They’ve reached the middle of a black stone corridor, same as all the others. One single, human-sized door lies to their right, the dark wood inlaid with gold in triangular patterns - but that stuff’s everywhere. It’s elegant, yet not remarkable.

Strange. Dipper was expecting something… more dramatic? Showy? Something on fire, anyway, not woodwork that wouldn’t be out of place in a fancy manor. What’s so special here?

He tries to focus on their surroundings. To find out what’s really going on, even over the music from- then blinks at the near-silence, and reevaluates. 

Nevermind, he gets it now. From their position in the Fearamid, the party sounds are so distant he can barely hear them. The halls are clean and clear, without clawmarks on the floor or spilled drinks or blood, and come to think of it - they did go up a bunch of staircases. 

Special, then. In that nobody else is up in this section. Wherever Bill’s led them has a distinct vibe of privacy. 

“Now where am I gonna stash you, Shooting Star?” Bill rubs under his eye thoughtfully.. He drifts around Mabel in one full circle, examining her in 360 degrees - then stops right in front of her. “Ha! Y’know, I’ve got just the thing!” 

One solid clap later, a second door appears on the opposite wall, snapping into existence with a sound not unlike ‘poink’. The pale wood surface is plastered with glittery stars, and a pink plaque with cursive script reads, ‘The In-Law’.

“Oooh,” Mabel’s eyes widen, clapping her cheeks in delight. “Fancy.”

Dipper watches as she flings the door open - winces, briefly, from the eye-searing colors inside - then wonders how Bill got it exactly to her taste. 

“But as for you, sapling,” Bill says, eye glinting. He floats over to the ornate door and swings it open, gesturing forward. “You get to stay-”

Dipper gets a glimpse of a wide, dark, richly furnished room - with every surface covered in empty bottles. A brief whiff of stale liquor drifts out before Bill slams it shut, pupil narrowed to a line.

“Actually, y’know what? You two catch up and do sentimental human crap,” Bill says airily. He shoos them away, keeping a firm third arm on the doorknob to hold it closed. “I gotta couple things to take care of.” 

Dipper’s about to protest - why does Mabel get the bespoke room, and him the afterparty disaster pile - but his sister seizes him by the wrist and drags him in

Thankfully, Bill doesn’t follow. He simply waves, eye-smiling, and the door slams shut behind them. Dipper glances back, hoping that wasn’t as ominous as it sounded.

“Wow, Bill really knows how to decorate.” Mabel lets go, looking around her room with wide eyes. She spins in a circle, arms in the air. “Look at this place!” 

The colorful walls, the bed with strings of lights around it, the rainbow theming. All very Mabel - and all very suspicious. This is clearly some kind of trick.

As his sister starts bouncing on the big pink bed, Dipper nudges a pile of plush animals. No blood gushes out, and there’s no screaming, so he shrugs and says, “It’s okay.” 

Mabel stops jumping on the mattress when she catches the look on his face. The smile fades, and she sighs.  

“I guess it’s got its downsides.” She slides down to sit on the edge of the bed, kicking her feet. “Like… how I got here.”

Ah. The whole… statue thing  must have been lingering in her thoughts for her to come out with it so quickly. 

“Yeah.” Shrugging, Dipper stuffs his hands in his pockets. There’s not much else to say.

“How long was I…”

“About a year.” He tries to crack a smile, reassure her that everything’s okay. He thinks it works, too. Because for the first time in a year, things are okay - Or at least way, way better. “It really freaked everyone out.”

Mabel nods, only half-paying attention. She wraps her arms around herself. “I don’t remember it. But it’s like. I kind of feel it, you know? That time’s passed.”

God, Dipper’s an asshole. Here he is, wallowing in self-pity because a super-powerful being has a crush on him, while Mabel’s dealing with all kinds of bullshit. He moves to put a hand on her shoulder -

“But enough about that!” Mabel rocks up her heels, looking up at the ceiling with her hands tucked behind her back - then reels on him, grinning wide. “I wanna know how long you’ve been dating-”

“Never.” Dipper says, before she can finish the sentence. It’s just so wrong. He returns her responding frown, only deeper and more serious. “I only met the guy today.” 

Mabel lets out a low whistle. “Well, when you meet a great guy,” She shrugs, starting to smile. “Gotta move fast!” 

“But not this fast.” Dipper cuts an arm through the air. “Bill’s insane. And he’s totally wrong about me being right for him. I’m not even the same person.” Catching Mabel’s confused look, he sighs. “Okay. It’s later, so. Let me fill you in.”

Explaining takes only a couple minutes. How she got enstatued - a fact she’s aware of and not thrilled about - and his efforts to take revenge. How fighting against demonic forces isn’t that hard, when you know what you’re doing. And really, he only made a little, tiny misstep anyone could have made when he ended up captured.

Then, Bill. Being offered as tribute. The culmination of their current situation, and where everything Dipper knows can be compacted into a few bulletpoints: 

Dead husband, supposed ‘reincarnation’, and Bill being the worst at making marriage proposals, ever. In that he didn’t even bother with one.

Mabel listens to his tale with unusual silence. No interruptions, only nodding and frowning at certain points. Dipper guesses she’s still processing… a lot of things, probably. He’s not feeling on solid ground himself. 

After he’s finished, she asks, “Do you think that’s why Bill invaded Earth?” 

“What?” Dipper blinks. He was expecting… he doesn’t know. Maybe agreement on how evil and bizarre Bill is. Anger at what had happened to her. Not - 

He sighs, again, and rubs at his eyes. “No, I don’t think Bill Cipher conquered the west coast just to date people.”

“Not to date people, Dipper,” Mabel insists. “To find his husband. Duh!”

“The dead one,” Dipper points out. “That guy. Who died.” He frowns. Maybe she’s not aware either… “Look, reincarnation-”

“Isn’t real. Everyone knows that.” Mabel rolls her eyes at his condescension, then beams as she delivers her retort. “But does Bill know that?”

Dipper starts to protest - but pauses. 

That’s the same thought he had earlier. At the time he’d only been thinking about the pile of weird bullshit suddenly heaped on him, not the mystery of Bill Cipher’s motivations.

But. That would explain a lot. Not just his kidnapping and Bill’s bizarre behavior, but the greater scheme. One nobody’s ever found a real answer for. 

“I… don’t think he does.” Dipper admits, after a brief hesitation. “He was really sure I was his husband when he saw me.” Which means rebirth is a thing somewhere. Maybe in his native dimension? 

“‘Cause he’s pretty crazy, yeah.” Mabel agrees, though now she frowns. “But dunno. I kinda get it?” She shrugs, lifting her hands. “Losing someone you care about sucks.”

Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. It’s the worst. 

Losing someone can drive you to desperate lengths, or send you on impossible journeys. Taking risks, inviting trouble. Hoping against hope. Dipper guesses he can’t point fingers, really.

The difference is Bill isn’t capable of caring about someone, ever. The closest emotion would be ‘possessiveness’ or ‘obsession’. Dipper might have argued even that was a stretch, if the paintings weren’t literally on the wall about it.

“Welp!” Mabel claps, bouncing over and sitting back on the bed. “Guess that explains that! One world-conquering mystery, solved.” She holds her hand up for a high five. 

“Nope.” Dipper says. He shakes his head when Mabel starts to pout. “Look, if Bill was looking for someone, he would have mentioned it. He could have threatened the whole world to find his guy, or - or bribed people, or run a contest for best lookalike.” Or even leave his goddamn house once in a while, instead of making ‘collectables’. “It just doesn’t track.”

There’s a thousand things Bill could have done, since he apparently has absurd powers to go with his entirely absurd existence. A thousand spells he could have cast, a billion thaums of magic to throw around. And he spent it sulking on his throne, bothering decent people, and filling a side room with empty bottles. Not the behavior of a being on a mission.

Dipper’s known the guy for less than a day, but he’s certain about one thing. 

Bill Cipher searching for someone? Would be obnoxious, violent and loud. 

“Okay, maybe it’s not the whole story. But he did marry a human one time, right?” Mabel flaps a sweater sleeve, then points at the ceiling, and through it the x-shaped rift over the Fearamid. “I don’t think they have many out there.”

True; there aren’t. And It’s entirely possible Bill’s got a weird thing for humans; he wouldn’t be the first monster with that proclivity. Or the first to kidnap their intended, for that matter. 

“Yeah, fair.” Dipper concedes. He plops down next to her, leaning over to rest his chin in his hands.  “I just don’t see why the human spouse is me.”

“Hey,” Mabel says, in a softer tone. She punches him lightly on the side. “You’re a cool guy, Dipper. You could bag any demon you wanted! I mean, Bill’s totally into you already, and he’s their king.”

Oh god. ‘King’ is only a loose description, demons don’t have a monarchy. But the image it conjures fits right into shitty romance novel tropes, which means - 

She’s got the wrong end of the stick.

“I don’t need a pep talk.” Dipper drags his hands down his face, praying for patience “Did you forget we’re talking about Bill Cipher?”

“Yeah, I guess he’s not the hottest. Big shape made of metal. All angles. Super flat.” Mabel says, counting the flaws on her fingers. She rubs her chin and frowns. “Hey, how’s your honeymoon supposed to work when he has no-”

“Do not finish that sentence.”

“What? He doesn’t wear pants, Dipper!” She insists, thumping a fist on her knee. “It’s the kind of thing you notice!”

“I wasn’t thinking of the honeymoon,” Dipper says through gritted teeth. Little sisters should not know what sex is, ever. “I was thinking, ‘How do I get out of this?’”

“Uh…” Mabel pauses, hand lifted - then lets it drop back into her lap. “Hm.”

“Yeah,” Dipper agrees. It’s a pretty tough question. 

This was never going to be easy. They’re dealing with the biggest, most annoying, most powerful jackass on the planet - and he’s a particularly nitpicky flavor of supernatural to boot. They like their agreements in writing.

Without a deal, how does anyone convince a demon to do something?

Well, okay. Dipper’s done that. But only once or twice. Three times, max. 

Manipulating demons is risky business, with coinflip odds at best. The few times he’s pulled it were to get the hell out of dodge, or to get their victims the hell out of dodge, and it was still a close thing. Demons can be stupid, and Dipper was lucky.

Unfortunately, his instincts tell him Bill Cipher’s a much older, smarter beast. He won’t fall for the ‘oh my god, what’s that behind you?’ trick. Though he would probably laugh.

“Hmmmmm,” Mabel continues. Her eyes narrow, and she taps her foot. “Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.”

Uh oh. Dipper has a bad feeling about this. “What are you doing?”

“So we’re probably not getting out of here anytime soon. Right?”

“No,” Dipper admits, with some chagrin. They could still escape. It’s possible. But he needs time to come up with something, and right now he’s emptyhanded. 

“And Bill’s probably not going to give up on marrying you, either.”

“No.” The word comes out like a tired sigh. Bill’s definitely, absolutely, 100% locked the hell in, with a certainty he’s rarely seen in demons. 

“Then honestly?” Mabel shrugs, lifting her hands and tucking her chin in. “I’d play along.”

Dipper stares at his sister for a long moment. 

She can’t be - oh, no, there’s that stubborn look, with the narrowed eyes and fists on her sides. She is serious.

He clears his throat. “Look, I know you read a lot of bad romance novels, but-”

“No, no, listen! Remember the field? The collection?” Mabel insists, waving at the window and the green view outside. “Dipper, he brought everyone back to life because you complained about it! They all got to go home!” 

Dipper glances out the window at the empty field, then away again. “What does that have to do with-”

“Hey.” She takes him by the shoulders and shakes him. Her gaze is so intent Dipper doesn’t resist, lettering her rock him back and forth. “You wanna stop Bill from taking over the rest of the world?” Shaking harder, Dipper tries not to let his head snap around. “Then think about what happens if you tell him ‘no’!”

“That’s-” 

Insane, Dipper was about to say. Impossible, too. 

Only Bill is insane, impossibly so - and everything Mabel just said was correct.

With any other demon, this would be a stupid, impossible plan. But with a stupid being who’s already has shown he can be argued with… and he did free those people. He can be convinced.

It’s a totally bonkers, off-the-wall idea based mainly on vibes, and she’s still got a goddamn point.

“I know, it’s crazy. But Bill’s crazy, and you’re the only thing that’s ever stopped him,” Mabel says, mirroring his thoughts as she so often does. Her elbow nudges him in the side. “I thought you were the practical one, Dippin’ Dots.”

Shit. He is.

Dipper lets out a long, low, complaining groan, and flops back on the bed. Mabel pats him sympathetically on the arm.

Almost nothing thwarts Bill Cipher. There are too many demons in his thrall to fight, and his magic’s too strong to overcome. Nobody’s made a dent on that shining surface, and no bribe in the world, assault by force, or diplomatic approach has ever convinced him to relinquish bits of his collection. Much less all of it.

Until Dipper came along. 

When you find the right angle of attack, you have to exploit it. You hit the big boss in his glowing weak point, or be defeated. This is the logical thing to do. The reasonable thing to do. 

God, he hates being the practical one sometimes.

“Shit.” Dipper says, with deep feeling. Logic. Reasonability. And yet - He throws an arm over his eyes, and admits, “I don’t know how far I can take this.”

Even if it’s for a greater good. Even if he knew there was a higher purpose behind it and the whole thing was bullshit - Marrying someone like that feels… wrong. Because he’d know it was bullshit.

And Dipper can’t marry a demon at all. The concept’s insane.They’re only abstractly cool as a concept, nowhere near as cool in person, and Mr. King Nightmare Asshole is the single most annoying bastard of them all.

“Hey, maybe it doesn’t go anywhere! Like, maybe you call it off after he’s already sent all his demons back to the other dimension. Or maybe his real husband shows up to shout ‘I object’ at the wedding!” She clenches fists, as if wrapping htem around something, then thrusts forward. “Or maybe you stab him on your wedding night. Right in the eye!”

“What the hell, Mabel?” Dipper sits up, scandalized. Which isn’t fair of him, he knows; it’s not like the thought hadn’t crossed his mind. “Since when do you want to kill people?”

“He did turn me into a statue, Dipper,” She says, unimpressed. Along with an eyeroll, for older brothers being so uptight.  “I mean, it’d be one thing if you were actually dating. But since Bill’s being a creep…” She shrugs. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

There’s so much he’s gotta do. 

He breathes in slowly, sitting up. The path is crystal clear in his head, what he needs to do. What he’ll have to do - though hopefully there are fewer landmines than he’s imagining. 

And Mabel must catch the expression on his face, because she turns more serious. 

“Wait, wait. You don’t have to, it was just an idea.” She pats him on the shoulder rapidly, trying to reassure.

“Well, obviously I’m not going to marry the guy. But leading him on?” Dipper rises from the bed. “I think I can do that.”

There’s an invulnerable boss monster, never before defeated, and Dipper has the only chance at the big, glowing weak point. He’d be stupid not to try.

“We could find another way out, though! Tell Bill he can forget it, no triangles allowed.” She stands up after him, matching his determination. Then, after a beat of thought. “Speaking of, I’m gonna make a sign for my door.”

“You should,” He says. Not that Bill will respect it, but. He shrugs, then sterns his shoulders, trying to project a confidence he doesn’t feel. “But if there’s a chance to save the world - then count me in.”

“Okay,” She says, sounding more skeptical than he’d like. Then she nods once, firmly.  “And if Bill really is a creep to you, I’ll punch him right in the eye.”

Dipper can’t help but smile. He has his sister back, and she has his back. Despite everything else going on, this feels pretty great. 

He pulls her in for a hug, and they pat each other’s backs while going ‘bwomp bwomp’. Classic. Man he missed this.

“It’s pretty gross, just so you know.” He says as he pulls away. At her confused look, he adds. “Punching Bill in the eye. It’s like a… warm, slimy stress ball.” Or a huge tapioca pearl, or - ugh, his knuckles still feel gross. Dipper wipes them on his shirt. 

Mabel’s eyes widen, like he’s said something insane. She starts to speak, then stops, looking oddly thoughtful. 

“You know what, Dipper?” She gives him a big thumbs up, and a smile. “I think you got this.”

With the Bill problem temporarily settled - or at least having a *plan* for it, that’s a huge relief - they spend the rest of the evening catching up. Not that Mabel has much to catch up with, having been frozen in stone. But chatting with her in general feels so novel, and fresh after so long without it.

He’s pacing the floor by the bed, trying to plot out the exact steps of convincing their demonic captor to do anything and wishing he had a whiteboard, when he stops. “Mabel?”

A soft snort is his response. Mabel’s fallen asleep. Half leaned on the headboard, one star-shaped plush clasped in her arms. 

Guess being de-statued must have taken a lot out of her. And it’s - Dipper glances out the window - dark already? They must have been talking longer than he thought. 

Well, it’s probably for the best. Mabel’s ‘slept’ for a year, but probably not slept. He hopes that’s normal, for being refleshified. That everyone else is okay, too. She seems fine, muttering in her sleep and rolling onto her side, so… he shrugs. 

Honestly, he’s getting pretty exhausted himself. The day’s stress hasn’t just affected her; Dipper just carries it better. 

And it’s not over yet. Not even a little.

He tosses the blanket with the least horrifying pattern on it over her, and goes to face his fate.

After shutting the door behind him, quietly as he can, Dipper pauses in the hallway. 

Technically he doesn’t have to go to the room Bill brought him to. There’s at least two other directions in this hallway alone, and dozens more turns along the way. He’s not about to make a break for it, not without Mabel, but he could find somewhere else to hole up for the night. Just to stick it to Bill, the bastard.

Deep below his feet, a low quick beat of bass keeps drumming. The party must still be going; how long is it going to last? 

Which means not only are there demons everywhere in the Fearamid. A lot of them are extremely drunk. 

So. Take his chances with a horde of plastered demons, who barely have restraint in the first place - or with the obsessive madman who keeps wanting to wrap extendable arms around him? What a goddamn choice.

With a heavy sigh, he opens the door to ‘his’ room. 

It swings open silently, the dark interior faintly lit on the opposite side by a flickering fireplace. The bottles have vanished, and the scent of recently sprayed air freshener lingers.

No sign of demonic activity, though. It’s eerily quiet. 

Dipper steps in, shutting the door behind him. Guiding himself with a palm flat on the nearby wall, he bumps against a lightswitch and flips it. 

The sudden light takes a second to adjust to. It takes a full three more to absorb the decor.

Wow. Okay. Mabel’s room might have been tailored for her, but those decorations are peanuts compared to the decadence of Dipper’s.

The dark walls, the gold inlay. The tapestries, the trinkets, the furniture made of heavy, expensive-looking wood. Dipper’s seen mansions online that would quaver at the subtle display of old, powerful wealth. Only the couch stands out as being not expensive as hell. It’s a slightly worn, cloth thing in dark blue that looks very soft. Near the feet, there are slight streaks in the carpet from where it looks like it was recently moved.

“Hello?” Dipper calls, checking the living room again. There are other doors, leading to other rooms in the suite, but they’re all closed. “Bill?”

Seconds pass. No response. He waits a little longer, but Bill doesn’t show. Even though he’s had plenty of time to pop up for a jumpscare.

And that’s good, really. Bill would probably give him a too-enthusiastic wave, saying something stupid and presumptuous like, ‘good to see ya!’ or ‘welcome home!’, or - just generally acting like Dipper’s not a stranger. An empty apartment is much more reasonable.

Stomping forward on the carpet, Dipper drops onto the couch with a ‘thump’, and crosses his arms. The soft cushions mold under him like it’s trying to absorb him. Which it better not, he’s already having a bad day. There would be repercussions.

Still… This isn’t the worst place to be trapped, He guesses. For all that it’s decadent, this place feels lived in. Cozy, almost. Unlike most mansions, there’s a sense that people actually went about their day-to-day lives here, once upon a time.

Dipper checks the room again - still empty. Very quiet. Almost too quiet, in a way that makes him fidget and keep glancing at the door. Waiting for someone to come through, almost upset that they don’t.

Funny. Just when Dipper thought he’d never be rid of that asshole, he vanished into thin air. 

But - wait. Bill Cipher, dream demon, Nightmare King. Master of the mind. Technically his powers do let him vanish, into -

He couldn’t be - 

Dipper’s hand flies to the side of his head, pressing the space between his temple and his ear. His gut twists in a rising wave of anxious nausea.

It feels like he’s the only one in his head. But how would he know? This is hardly his area of expertise, and nobody’s been in his brain before except himself. The only voice he can hear is his own, bouncing against the walls in increasing worry, but that’s hardly a sign when the monster could be in there with him and just keeping quiet, waiting to -

Wait a minute. Keeping quiet? 

Dipper does a quick gut check - it hasn’t failed him yet, it better not fail him now - and lets out a deep, shuddering sigh. He slumps down a few inches in his seat, suddenly boneless.

Oh thank fuck. Bill’s not in his mind. No way, no how.

Because if he did get into Dipper’s brain, there’s zero chance in the world - in any world, in the entire universe - that he’d be able to shut up about it.

That leaves Dipper well and truly alone in this demonic penthouse suite. Nice and calm and empty. 

So. Since Bill’s not going to make an appearance, Dipper should take advantage of it. It’s good. really. He doesn’t need his stupid hand held to figure out an apartment. 

The most obvious door is the bedroom. Dark inside, with a fireplace unlit and several doors leading off it. One might be a closet, another might be a bathroom - which is honestly tempting - but since Dipper’s not about to investigate the biggest potential trap just yet, he shuts it and moves on. 

Finding food ends up a little more fraught. The kitchen’s great, spotlessly clean with well-appointed cupboards - but scrounging in the fridge reveals something horrible and alive that Dipper has to kick back into its drawer, before slamming the door shut and holding it closed. He settles for a jar of peanut butter pretzels and makes a mental note to tell that asshole he missed part of the cleanup.

And there is another bathroom, not one off the master bedroom. Smaller and with only a shower, but enough to get himself sorted and wash off the fear-sweat in one of the briefest showers of his life.

Once that’s settled, there’s only one place left to explore. Perhaps the most dangerous place of all, considering the nature of his captor. 

Dipper takes a deep breath, and ventures into the bedroom. 

He stands in the doorway for a moment, then feels around until he switches on the light. Same as the rest of the place; opulent, indulgent, with a bed big enough to get lost in. The too-huge mattress is covered in smooth blue blankets that look soft and appealing, and that gives him the creeps.

All things considered, though. It’s oddly normal, for a bedroom in a nightmare realm. Sure, there’s an ominous tapestry woven with impossible patterns, too many trinkets with Bill himself emblazoned on them, and the fireplace lit up at the same time as the lights - but, like. It’s not riddled with blood or monster bile, and there’s only one portrait of Bill himself on the wall. It almost feels restrained. 

In fact, it’s so restrained that Dipper almost doesn’t notice the photo. 

Not because it’s not obvious. It’s in a frame on the bedside table, right there for anyone to see. He skims right over it at first glance.

Then realizes it’s not a photo of Bill, how weird that is, and does a double-take.

He picks up the photo, blowing dust off the frame. Frowning, he runs his thumb over the glass to wipe away old fingerprints. 

Seeing another picture of Bill’s husband isn’t surprising. There are only a billion of them about.

But it’s weird seeing him older.

In the photo, Bill’s husband rests with his chin in his palm, eyes drifting shut as if near the verge of sleep. He sits slumped at a desk scattered with papers, covered with odd, cryptic notes. He has a few lines on his face, some grey hair, and a pair of big-lensed glasses perched precariously on the tip of the nose. A quick guess places him in… roughly late fifties? Early sixties? 

Still the same guy, though. Age left its mark, but with a gentle touch that leaves the resemblance plain.

Dipper rubs at the bridge of his nose. At least he can count on aging gracefully. If any of that carries over; they’re still totally different people. 

So. Another picture. Weird, definitely. Uncomfortable to look at, in a way he can’t place? Also definitely. 

But Bill Cipher gets one - and only one - credit, and that’s for not being a creep. If he’s got a photo maybe thirty to forty years after those unsettling twink portraits, his weird attachment to his weirder husband lasted way longer than expected.  

Which proves nothing vis-a-vis him not being a total kidnapping psycho, roping normal people into - whatever this is. It’s not - Dipper’s not - what is Bill even up to, anyway? None of this makes sense.

He’s about to slam the damn thing back down on the table when something catches his eye. Hesitating, he tilts the picture for a better look.

It was hard to tell at first glance, but on the second it’s obvious. Behind the husband, not covered by the desk, a black-gold pattern is just visible. 

The carpet. 

Which is a perfect match for the one in this apartment.

But the Fearamid only appeared after Bill invaded. Before that, it was in another dimension, a whole reality away from Earth. There’s no way it could - but if it’s not - and. Wait.

How did Bill’s husband get into the Fearamid before it slammed into northern California? Someone would have seen it if it manifested before in reality. Which reminds him of a question he had earlier, never fully answered: How’d this guy meet Bill in the first place? 

Dipper sets the frame back down, carefully this time. Adjusts it to sit exactly the way he found it, in case Bill notices the difference - then he lets himself fall back on the bed and glares at the ceiling.

So many questions. Too few answers. It seems like that’s just how being around Bill operates. He might never know what’s going on, not truly. Hell, a whole lifetime isn’t enough to figure out that asshole’s secrets.

The thought makes Dipper feel like rolling himself up in these blankets and never coming out again. He tugs a corner of one over his lap in a huff. Then rolls onto the mattress, dragging the expanse of soft blanket around him..

For all the many, many faults of Bill Cipher, he made Dipper some excellent bedding. Mattress firm, but yielding. Blankets, comfy and warm. And Dipper himself is tired, having been put through enough mental and emotional wringers that he’s lost count of them.

He settles into the divot in the mattress, molded to his body like it was meant for him, and falls instantly asleep.

-----------------------

He isn’t sure what time he wakes, only that the morning light isn’t coming in through his window, and the rattling of his neighbor’s shitty air conditioner is thankfully absent.

His bed got an upgrade, though. 

Dipper rolls over, kicking his feet against the luxurious sheets. The pillow stays cool against his face as he nuzzles into it, and the blankets are just right. He could easily lie here for another hour or so - and hell, why not? 

Lazy morning is a go, then. He gropes around for his phone, before realizing it made its way under his arm during the night. Weird, he usually keeps it in his pocket or on the table.

Also, it’s really warm. Kind of like his forearm’s resting on a hot water bottle.  Dipper shifts against it, trying to feel for the edges, but the solid smooth screen stretches from his elbow to his wrist. He pats his palm against the surface, fingertips trying to find purchase -  and hears a chuckle.  

“Gah!” Dipper yelps, sitting bolt upright. He tugs the blankets up his chest, heart pounding as he stares at this… asshole. “What the fuck, Bill.”

“Good morning, sapling!” Bill chimes in, lacking both hat and tie but with his eye curved in his usual smile. He rolls onto his side, propping his top angle up with one hand and tracing coy circles on the sheets with the other. “Sleep well? How were your dreams? Tell me all the deets!”

Unwilling to dignify that with a response, Dipper simply glares. As usual, Bill brightens at the sight.

Stupid. His phone got taken when he was captured. He should have realized something was off, or noticed it was way too big, or -

And shit, he can’t believe he fell asleep last night. Like, at all. 

Dropping off that fast, in the fortress of a madman? Without staying up for hours, wracked with worry and insomnia? That’s a rare occasion even without all the bullshit going on, he must have been exhausted.

“Bill. What the hell are you doing in my bed?” He asks, instead of going on a tirade about ‘privacy’ or ‘personal space’. It wouldn’t have any effect. 

“Hey! This ain’t just any part of the Fearamid. It’s the penthouse suite!” Bill sits up, legs crossing. He wags a chiding finger at Dipper’s face. “You’re invading my bed.”

…Shit. Damn it. Dipper makes a face, but doesn’t comment. 

Welp, that explains that. This place was too good to be true, wasn’t it. 

Mabel got a new bedroom to suit her, with total privacy -  while Dipper got an invite to the ‘best’ accommodations available. And because from Bill’s perspective it’s a favor, he can’t even call it a dick move. Or at least, not an intentional one.

“It was the only bedroom,” Dipper points out. It’s stupid to be embarrassed, so he decides to be annoyed instead. “Or were you going to make your fiance sleep on the couch?”

“Fiance,” Bill says, with an odd, dreamy tone in his voice. His pupil widens as he stares off into the distance. “Now that’s a fun word.”

Fuck. Dipper slaps himself on the forehead. Why did he say that. Now he’s reinforced the damn delusion. 

Which… technically he’s supposed to be doing, right. To lead Bill on. In theory, encouraging him, leading him deeper and deeper into an inevitable trap, might even save the world.

That’s the goal. The shining endpoint, the final part of the game. Dipper can see the possibilities in his mind’s eye, distant but - again, in theory - reachable.

Problem is, he can also see how the process is going to suck.

With a groan, Dipper rolls out from under the sheets and stomps towards the bathroom. Bill stays frozen in glimmering delight for a second, then snaps to attention and drifts after him. 

“Hey, hey, don’t go! You're welcome in between my sheets anytime, kid! It's a real highlight of the day!”

“Yeah.” Dipper mumbles, “You would like that.” With the obsession and everything.

“Where you headed?” Bill’s voice comes from behind and to the left, a way-too-chatty shoulder devil. “A lazy morning lounging with your fiance would rule and you know it!” He adds, relishing the word he’s rediscovered.

“Nope.” Dipper states, popping the ‘p’ for emphasis. He pulls open the bathroom door a bare fraction, trying to shimmy his way in without letting this guy follow. “Too busy.”

“Busy with what?” Bill’s arm wiggles in after him, and refuses to budge when Dipper tries to shut the door on it. God, shapeshifting is really annoying. “Stop running, idiot! Lemme in!” For crying out loud, why can’t this stupid demon take a hint - 

He opens the door just enough to glare and state, “I have to pee,” before slamming it shut again.  

Bill’s arm gets flattened between the door and the frame, waves once or twice, then slithers back out in a desultory manner. Dipper waits a full thirty seconds, listening for knocking or whining outside. When none comes, he finally lets himself relax. 

Good. A little privacy. Better yet, he’s learned Bill won’t barge in just anywhere. Or at least, not anywhere, anytime. 

Unfortunately, he can’t live in the bathroom. For one, he needs to eat and stuff, and for another he’s gotta check on Mabel and make sure she’s okay. Not to mention plan their escape, manipulate a monster and save the planet. There’s a lot on his list that can’t get done in the shower.

He pulls on his t-shirt after, distantly wondering if Bill can summon new clothes or something. This one’s seen a lot of wear over the last week - then pauses, cocking his head to one side. 

There’s… whistling? A distant tune. Accompanied by clattering and a horrific bang, then laughter.  

Great. Bill’s up to something. And there’s no way of knowing what unless…

Right. Dipper tugs his shirt the rest of the way down and sterns his shoulders. 

There’s a plan in place. He’s got half a dozen key debate points, five theoretical ways to manipulate a demon, and three different conversational flowcharts cross-linked for possible insane tangents. He’s about as prepared as any one man can be, so. Might as well face the literal music. 

And besides. He’s supposed to encourage the delusion, right? Bill’s… ‘Husband’ would probably want to find out what he was doing in the kitchen. 

Which is… Cooking. Apparently. 

“Heya,” Bill says, cheerfully waving with a third arm. The other flips something in a pan on the stovetop. “Thought I’d have to drag you out here! Way to spoil my fun, kid.”

His eye rolls back into its socket, and he sticks his tongue out. Dipper doesn’t flinch. He just shuts his own eyes, and tries to focus. 

Weird. Everything’s going to be weird. He has to adjust to the weird, bring it in as part of his viewpoint, and let it roll off his back. 

“What are you up to, Cipher.” Dipper asks, flat. He stays back from the table, and very far back from the flames on the stove and any extant knives. 

“Breakfast.” Bill turns around, gesturing with an empty plate in Dipper’s direction. “Duh.”

That sounds… normal. Too normal. 

Dipper narrows his eyes. “Because that’s not ominous at all.”

“Flatterer,” Bill says, smiling again. He drifts in, moving pans and dishes and food around with multiple arms, too fast for Dipper to track. “Ease up, sapling. You act like I’ve never had a human around my place before!”

The table’s set now. The food steams slightly, the dishes are way too fancy for the tiny kitchen table, and it’s… clearly an invitation to sit.

Dipper pulls the chair out. He steps in, sits down, and scoots in before Bill can get any funny ideas about pushing it for him. A good instinct, too; he’s pretty sure Bill almost darted in to do just that before he lost the chance.

That settled, he eyes the plate in front of him. The terrible, demonic concoction looks like… French toast. With powdered sugar. And slices of something identical to strawberry that might be a horrible trick. It smells sweet and buttery and - he makes a face as his traitorous stomach grows. 

“Eat up, sapling! Use your logic,” Bill adds, while Dipper’s still struggling between his stomach and not accepting demonic gifts - “If I was gonna poison ya, I’d’ve done it before ditching my statue collection.” 

Okay, that is a point. But - 

“It could be revenge poisoning,” Dipper argues. He waves the fork in Bill’s direction before spearing it down into his breakfast. “I’d never suspect it after winning the statue argument.”

“Nah, easier to not need revenge in the first place.” Bill shakes slightly from side to side, like his whole shape is his head. “And you suspected it anyway! Pretty poor plan if you ask me.”

“Mmh,” Dipper mumbles, not quite agreeing, not quite arguing around his mouthful. He shuts his eyes, making a soft sound. Damn it, it’s good french toast. Who knew Bill knew how to cook?

Bill beams, leaning back in the air and watching Dipper chew, then swallow. “You like it, sapling?” At the responding nod, his eye narrows in sadistic delight. “Good! Enjoy the last moments before your skin starts melting off.”

Dipper freezes in place, fork halfway to his mouth. Glancing down, then up again at Bill.

Then he stuffs more toast in his mouth, swallows again, and says, ”Your jokes suck.”

“HA! I totally had you for a second!” Bill prods the air in Dipper’s direction with his own fork. “That look on your face! All, ‘oh no! What does skin melting feel like? Is it happening right now?’” 

Dipper refuses to acknowledge that with a comment. It’d only encourage him. 

Besides, he has better things to do. Eat, for one. And for another, watch the most terrible demon in the universe have breakfast. 

Seeing Bill switch eye and mouth is hardly pleasant to watch, but also… kind of intriguing? What kind of biology situation does he have going on? Is there one? Can he see while he’s eating? Is this a subtle weakness? Dipper has so many questions. 

Not that he has much time to ask them. His breakfast companion’s taking up plenty of talking space. 

The topics Bill goes on about are both bizarre and somehow mundane; demonic gossip, gory stories, bad jokes. A distinct lack of threats or maiming. Their so-called ‘engagement’ doesn’t come up, other than Bill eyeing Dipper in a strange way. When Dipper responds, he always seems delighted, even when it’s needling him about some totally pedantic point. 

It’s strange, and disconcerting, and deeply, deeply weird. But overall? Not that bad. Or at least considerably better than Dipper thought conversation with this creature would go. Nobody’s even exploded yet. 

Dipper fiddles with another bite of french toast, gone slightly soggy from syrup. 

While it’s nice to pretend that this is normal - like having a meal with a horrible demon-conquerer is no big deal, happens every day - he can’t just sit here forever. He has a goal, and can’t put it off. No matter how daunting it seems. 

“Look,” He says, once there’s a gap long enough to break into the topic. “We need to talk.”

“Oooh, ominous.” Bill says, floating up out of the chair he wasn’t really sitting in to hover over the table. “I like it. Go on!”

“It’s about…  our wedding.” Dipper starts awkwardly, cringing back an inch as Bill visibly brightens. “There’s something I want you to do first. It’s, uh.” He swallows. “Important?”

Shit, this is going badly already. That’s not what he was supposed to say! It didn’t come out right, he should have practiced this, damn it.

Dipper mentally fumbles for his debate points. Where was he going to start again? And why aren’t there any index cards in this stupid apartment, he could have written this down. Maybe he can recover if Bill says -

“You got it, kid.” Bill’s eye glimmers and he floats closer, knocking over the syrup bottle in the process. “Anything you want.”

Dipper stares. 

Shit. That wasn’t in his flowcharts. 

He prods at the last third of the french toast, ducking his head. God, Bill sounds eerily sincere. Like if he asked for a pony to ride in on, he’d get it. One that breathes fire and has a mane made of knives? Even better! Like Bill would hand over whatever he wished in an instant, or faster if he asked.

Wait, is this good? Or very very bad? Dipper isn’t sure. Only now he’s glad he didn’t have notes, because he’d have had to toss all of them already. 

It’d be one thing if he was asking about, like. Changing the color scheme for the wedding. He’s certain he’d get it, possibly in the most over-the-top manner possible. Some minor detail before they dive into whatever hellish commitment Bill has in mind would be simple. 

But what he wants - truly wants - is another matter entirely.

This idea felt like it might work yesterday, when he was at the stage of exhaustion where maniac energy took over. But now he’s facing with how patently insane it is. How it might not work at all. 

But that sincere-sounding statement. The freed people, the empty field, and the way Bill’s looking at him right now, like - 

Shit, if Mabel was actually onto something, she’ll never let him forget it. 

Dipper sets down his fork with a deliberate clicking sound. He takes a deep breath, and plants his palms on the table. 

Here goes nothing. 

“Could you… not take over the planet.” He says, finally. “It kinda sucks.”

Bill blinks, several times. He looks away, then back again. 

“Ah,” He says, finally. Also, not quite meeting Dipper’s eye, with a look of… not guilt exactly. But like someone with their hand in the cookie jar, about to explain how he just had to grab the baked goods. For reasons!

“Okay, okay. I get it. Worried about your fellow mortals, huh?” Bill continues. He reaches out as if to pinch Dipper’s cheek, a gesture barely dodged by quick thinking. “Easy, sapling, they’re mostly fine! We can lower the casualty count by-”

“Not just that. The whole thing sucks.” Dipper interrupts. He scoots his chair back an inch as Bill floats closer. “Seriously.”

“Hm,” Bill taps under his eye as he hums. “Well, relationships do gotta have a little compromise. And you are pretty cute…” The sentence trails off as his eye roves over Dipper again. “Hmmmmmmm.”

Dipper frowns, and waits for the inevitable assholery. 

Bill’s not truly willing to give anything up. Sure he looks like he’s thinking about it, with the little tune and the rubbing under his eye - but the display is a show, and a condescending one at that.

The suspicion is proven right moments later as Bill pats his shoulder, eye-smiling again. 

“But since you so insist, and because I’m such a generous, handsome, and amazing partner - you can have Idaho back.” Bill spreads his arms wide. “See? Compromise!”

Oh, for - c’mon, really? 

Dipper scowls and drums his fingers on the table, trying to think.

He knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But Bill deliberately misinterpreting a pretty obvious statement - that’s just annoying. Like he was gonna fall for that show, or accept a tiny pittance. He’s young, not stupid.

Dealing with demons, right. The mistake was leaving any wiggle room at all.

“You’re only offering that because it’s boring. I meant the whole world, Bill.” He says, firmer this time. He meets that single, strange eye, glares, and sets his shoulders. “Get your stupid demons off my planet.” 

After a beat of silence, Bill groans. “Ugh.” Then, louder and longer, running his hands down his front, eye rolling back until only the white shows. “Uuuughhhhhh.”

He goes on. For a while. Longer than he should, really - Dipper taps his fork on the table a few times, then just throws it at this jerk so he’ll shut up. It bounces off his surface with a ‘ting’.

“Jeez, pretty broad interpretation of ‘anything’! And pretty bold to call it your planet.” Bill rubs over his eye, like the very idea is giving him an angle ache. “And they call me arrogant! Do you have any idea how long it took the ol’ minions to make this much of an impact?”

“Around twenty years.” The first incursion was tiny, really. The next, a little bigger. It didn’t truly ramp up until about ten years ago - but by then the damage was very thoroughly done. 

“Exactly!” Bill drops with a thump to stand on the table, fists on his sides. “That time investment’s nothing to sneeze at, sapling. You’re barely older than my conquest yourself!”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m not budging.” Dipper leans back in his seat, folding his arms. “You can either get the planet, or this stupid wedding. Not both.”

For the second time, Bill groans at an inhuman length, with inhuman annoyingness. The butter knife bouncing off him barely gets his attention. 

“Okay, but listen,” He says, tapping his index fingers together. 

“Hm.” Dipper narrows his eyes, and prepares himself to hear more absolute bullshit. 

“Technically speaking, I only took over Oregon.” Bill says, like he’s laying the winning card on the table. He rests a hand on his front, eye shut in smug triumph. “Everything outside of that was henchman work.” 

Dipper presses his face into his palms. Yep. Bullshit. 

On the one hand, this is arguably going better than anyone could have imagined. Bill hasn’t rejected it outright. He’s arguing, but not denying. The request hasn’t been tossed off the table to rot. 

On the other hand, Bill’s not giving up without a fight, and he’s old, and powerful, and stubborn as hell. Wresting any concessions from him is going to be like pulling teeth. 

“They did it on your orders.” He points out, once his bullshit meter has recovered. 

“What orders? I don’t have to tell ‘em how to rampage and ravage, they do that themselves!” Bill waves him off. “Look, your stupid planet got off easy. If you were really facing me in full world-consuming terms, there’d barely be one to stand on! Or maybe not at all!”

Dipper grimaces. The worst thing about that statement is it’s not wrong. 

Bill loves to brag, to show off, to talk himself up - but on this point at least, he’s not exaggerating. The amount of energy he commands and the precision he wields it with is literally unmatched on Earth. If he had brought all that to bear. Turned his horrible eye upon the planet with real intent…

Nothing would stand in his way.

A cold trickle trails down his spine. He grips the edge of the table, trying not to grit his teeth. 

Nothing, that is. Except Dipper. 

Who almost forgot the monster - the threat - he was dealing with. 

“I don’t care about the details.” He smacks the table before Bill can add another bullshit comment. “You know what I want. Stop trying to twist the subject.”

For a split second, Bill’s eye narrows. Then it returns to its jovial smile, rolling slightly as if Dipper’s being a petulant child. Like this is all nothing and stupid. 

“Sure, we can talk about cleaning up a few states, but the whole thing? Pffft. So tedious! Who wants to pluck up every individual imp outta their lairs? Not me!”

Oh. So it’s too boring, is it. Bill could clean up the entire coast and more, he’s powerful enough, but he won’t because it kind of sucks? Because he’d have to put in some effort for once? 

And yeah, he would think that, wouldn’t he. Because he only cares about himself. He only thinks about what he wants, takes what he wants, and what anyone else wants doesn’t matter. 

“Someone has to-” Dipper insists, louder now to talk over Bill’s obnoxious voice.

“Someone, shmumone.” In a contest of volume, Bill wins every time. He even laughs, setting fists on his sides. “What do you care, anyway? Most of these idiots mean nothing to y-”

“Billions of lives isn’t nothing! It’s a whole planet! My planet!” At some point Dipper stood up from his seat, and now he slams his palms on the table, sending the dishes rattling. “You can’t just wipe them all out.”

What’s strange about his outburst is that Bill actually draws back. Floating off the table now, blinking at Dipper rapidly with his pupil narrowed. Like he didn’t expect the anger, or like he caught a glancing blow. 

Fuck him, though. Dipper doesn’t give a shit. Heat is building in his chest, not just from the carelessness. Not just the callousness. But from how goddamn frustratingly, awfully stupid his - 

“And - seriously, that’s your excuse? Really?” He says, disgusted. “That the biggest bad this side of the multiverse can’t get some lowlifes to obey him?”

“Easy, easy, sapling! No need to get fussy.” Bill pats the air in a calming motion, seemingly unaware it’s causing the exact opposite reaction. “I said it’d be annoying, not impossible. And that’s not even counting that I haven’t agreed yet. I took over fair and square!”

Yet. He said - That’s an opening, Dipper lunges to follow up.

“No, you didn’t. Like you said, the minions did most of the work.” He points directly at Bill’s eye, slightly disappointed when he doesn’t budge. “Can you pull your troops out or not?”

“‘Troops’ is a strong word, y’know? Demons and orders go together like oil and water, kid! Who’s to say-”

“You should say!” For fuck’s sake, Dipper doesn’t add. The avoidance, the shrugging off, how Bill’s totally not taking responsibility -  He glares. “I already knew you couldn’t control yourself. Not controlling other demons is just pathetic.”

“Don’t talk to me about ‘control’. You don’t know what control is.” Oh, now he’s hit a nerve; Bill’s radiating heat, eye narrowed. His fists ball at his sides. “I’ve mastered control in ways you’d never believe! Your eyes’d pop right outta your skull!”

“Then your stupid conquest would look a lot less pathetic. You didn’t even get the whole continent? Really?” Dipper snaps. “All your power, all this time, and you’ve spent it on is frivolous bullshit. What the hell happened to you.”

“You wouldn’t say this crab if you knew what was good for you,” Bill hisses, low and furious. The quick return jab in Dipper’s direction has him cringing at his own flinch. “Sounds like someone forgot who he’s messing with! Oh, wait, you did! ‘cause you forgot everything!” Bill stomps hard, sending dishes clattering; a glass tumbles off and shatters on the floor. “You forgot me!”

“Good. I’d rather not know you at all.” Dipper snaps. Bill’s surface dims - weakness - and he rises to chase it. To hit this miserable asshole right where it hurts. “Maybe I’d rather die than put up with you.”

Sudden heat blasts through the air, hot as a furnace, as Bill’s surface turns a bright, furious red. Dipper flinches away, holding onto the table so he doesn’t fall.

…Okay. Turns out there’s a difference between making Bill angry, and making him angry. 

Smoke rises from the table where Bill’s standing, little flames spluttering up besides his feet. The sclera of his eye has switched to black, the slit pupil and limbs solid gold, and the furious glare he levels in Dipper’s direction might literally melt another guy. The heat in the air already has him sweating. With the ambient magic, it feels like he’s breathing in soup. 

Dipper eases back towards his seat, not wanting to make any sudden moves, and braces himself for impact. Or possibly, obliteration. 

But surprisingly, Bill shuts his eye tight. He vibrates for a moment, then flickers briefly back to yellow. Then red again, in a strange strobing light.

“Fine. Who cares. I don’t need you.” Bill says, voice deep and strange. He folds his arms as his surface shifts in kaleidoscopic patterns. “I’ll find a human husband who’s not you! A better one! One with all the bells and whistles, the fleshy aspects in vogue these days, and the right attitude to boot! No more arguing. No more bitchiness. And way better fashion sense.” With that said, he sets triumphant fists on his sides, as if presenting the winning card. “How ‘bout THAT?” 

Oh, he wouldn’t dare. Dipper seethes, ignoring the heat as he leans in to yell at Bill for saying such a stupid, awful -

Then he pauses, and shuts his own eyes for a moment. 

No, that’s bullshit. Bill only said it to get under his skin, like an asshole. He knows better than to take the bait. 

And there’s evidence otherwise. If he thinks that’s going to get a rise out of Dipper, he’s got another thing coming. 

“You won’t.” Dipper says simply, and sits down. Folding his arms over his chest for good measure, and glaring.

“Don’t test me, fleshbag!” Bill stomps a foot on the table, the lines between his red bricks glowing yellow with heat. “I’m Bill goddamn Cipher, and I’ll do whatever I want.”

Dipper snorts. Yeah, he always does - Which is why his stupid threat is as empty as his soul. 

“Then you would have done it already.” He says, and leaves it at that. 

Bill raises a finger as if to protest - then drops it, fuming again, as whatever retort he’d plotted fails. He taps a foot on the table as he tries to think of a response.

Dipper knew it. Again, his instincts were right on point.

Bill didn’t need to wait for Dipper to come along. With his power, he could have found a hundred willing mortals anywhere. Or picked one off the street, for that matter; messed up their minds, altered their bodies, changed their face to this face - and he’d have a perfect replica within the hour. 

Exactly what he claims he wanted, and precisely what he didn’t do.

“Don’t bullshit me, Bill. You don’t want anyone else,” Dipper says, calmer than he should be, certain that it’s right. He leans over the table, glaring. “Like, yeah. You could find or make another mortal, but that’s boring. You want the argument. You wanna win it. You want me to do this of my own free will, because you actually want this bullshit to be-”

Realization smacks Dipper in the forebrain before he can finish his sentence, and he shuts his mouth with a click. 

Bill watches him silently. Fists still balled at his sides, surface flickering between red and yellow and white. Burning holes in the table, but not moving; like he’s waiting for Dipper to either pounce or flee, and either way he’s got a followup.

Slowly, Dipper sits back down in his seat, thoughts racing a mile a minute. Great, he’s gotta do a full review of his flowcharts. And most of his priors.

So Mabel was right. Deep down under that impenetrable exoskeleton, somewhere in the shriveled black soul - Bill cared about his mortal husband, in his own alien way.

Because he wants this, desperately, to be real.

A replacement would never work. If it could, he’d have tried it already. But Bill knows lies, inside and out, and fooling him is no easy endeavor. Buying or making someone would only remind him they weren't who he was looking for - and exactly how much that sucks. 

They stare at each other over lukewarm syrup, shattered ceramic, and toeless scorchmarks seared into varnished wood.

Tapping his foot on the table, Bill glares, but doesn’t speak. The furious red still flashes on his surface, but it’s mostly gold again. And he’s not shouting anymore. Is he angry? Definitely. Plotting revenge? Possibly. But violence is, quite literally, not on the table, as he visibly wrangles his anger under control. 

Dipper ducks his head to poke at his breakfast in silence. Bill starts pacing back and forth, making the remaining plates and glassware clink. 

Looks like neither of them want to start up again. Dipper especially isn’t sure what to say. How could he say anything. How does anyone follow up on the most insane revelation of the last quarter-century? Asking about it is tempting, but he knows he’d never get an honest response.

That, and they only just stopped shouting at each other. Bringing that up would definitely kick things off.

This was almost a half-decent morning, too. Despite the kidnapping, and the company, and… well, everything about this awful situation.

But the worst part. The absolute worst part, of the entire situation Dipper’s wound up in, is that now he… kinda gets where Bill’s coming from. 

It’s all about that jerk bastard’s face. His stupid, awful doppelganger.

Dipper rubs at his eyes, but it doesn’t help. Not when he can see Bill’s train of thought, clear as day. He could plot it out on a pinboard with only one piece of string. 

Just like Mabel said: Losing someone you care about sucks. But seeing them again? In the flesh? When you never thought you’d get the chance, that they were gone forever? It totally rules. 

There’s a huge, bright burst of excitement. Sheer relief that they’re there. Feeling nearly weightless, as grief gets shucked off like a heavy coat and left behind. Anyone could get suckered in by the rush.

Hell, what if the person Bill revived hadn’t actually been Mabel, just a girl who looked exactly like her? Would Dipper have believed they were different? Or would he convince himself that it couldn’t be a coincidence, she’d only forgotten who she was? That he could fix it?

And as loath as he is to admit it, Dipper looks exactly like Bill’s goddamn dead husband. 

Thus proving he has the absolute worst luck in the universe. 

Of course Bill thinks what he thinks. Who wouldn’t? The thought’s too tempting. The evidence, compromising. It might even be the sanest conclusion he’s ever come to. 

There are many, many things Bill Cipher’s done wrong - but Dipper can’t blame him for wanting to hope.

He glances up from his plate, then back down again as Bill’s eye nearly meets his. Both of them avoiding the brief contact.

…Unlike the theoretical Mabel scenario, though, Dipper’s pretty sure he’d listen to reason. And he sure as hell wouldn’t kidnap anyone, much less make her sign, like, adoptive sibling papers or whatever. There are a million billion reasons to kick this demon’s ass. 

But he has to live with this guy for… who knows how long. They can’t be at each other’s throats all the time. Making progress on world-saving will be hard enough without ending up flesh-based salsa.

Silence still hovers in the kitchen, tense and weird. The quiet is starting to put Dipper’s teeth on edge, almost more than a threat would. 

The sheer level of awkward they have going on might kill an empathic entity. So why doesn’t Bill say something? Doesn’t he love the sound of his own voice? …Does Dipper have to -

Damn it. 

“Thank you. For breakfast.” He says, long, long after it made sense to do so. The food’s cold, but he doesn’t dare ask for it to be warmed up. “It’s pretty good.”

Bill slowly turns toward him. He blinks twice. 

Then he glows gold again, spreading his arms wide like the earlier conversation never even happened. 

“No duh it is! I know you, sapling, better than anyone!” He floats closer, hands clasped and held next to his eye. “And you’re usually less whiny once you’re fed.”

Dipper pokes at his toast with his recovered fork. Thankfully it didn’t land on the floor, or get melted under Bill’s feet. “...I still don’t like the conquering.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Bill heaves a long, tired sigh, eye rolling in a dramatic arc. “Always stubborn! Jeez, you’re even worse than last time.”

Last time? But that would mean - Dipper blinks.  “Wait, what?”

“You don’t like the invasion, and I don’t like giving up what I’ve rightfully conquered. Oldest dilemma in the book! Only one solution there, sapling,” Bill steeples his fingers, gazing over them at Dipper. “We’ll have to… negotiate.” 

He adds weight to the final word, like it’s somehow significant. 

Dipper, not about to look a gift triangle in the mouth, simply nods once. 

“Great!” Bill claps his hands together, rubbing them in ominous anticipation. “Plenty of time to get things sorted, then. Wedding planning’s gonna take a couple weeks at least! We’ll fit your stupid ‘protect the planet’ crap in the contract somewhere.”

“Sorry, contract?” Dipper sits up straighter. Nobody mentioned signing shit.

“Uh, hello? Bill Cipher here! You didn’t think ‘marriage’ was just gonna be rings and a kiss, didja?” He laughs, amused at Dipper ‘forgetting’ what was apparently obvious. “We gotta make a deal to seal the deal, duh.”

“Right,” Dipper says, after a moment. “I knew that.” 

He’s kind of hitting himself for not thinking of it sooner. Deals get complex if they’re long-term things - and what’s longer term than ‘til death do they part? Another addition to the long, long list of reasons this will be a pain in the ass. 

And no chance he’ll get everything he wants out of it. Not with the resistance Bill just put up. Even though Dipper knows better, the disappointment stings.

Guess the planet hasn’t seen the last of Bill Cipher. Maybe it never will. 

But honestly, what was he thinking? That Bill would fold before his demands like wet tissue paper? That he’d win back the world in one fell swoop? Bringing the Nightmare King to the negotiating table at all is a triumph worth celebrating. 

…friggin’ Idaho, though. Dipper can do way better than that. 

“Between your stubborn ass and the main event, we got a lot of discussion ahead, kid.” Bill clasps his hands together, holding them by his eye. “Lucky for you, I got a few ideas already!”

With that said, he goes on. And on. And on. About freakin’ wedding planning. 

About how finding contractors is already being a pain in the angles, a smattering about the decorations. Along with the guest list, and which interdimensional beings are disinvited forever, for reasons. 

Dipper only half pays attention, nodding at the appropriate points. Now that they’re not arguing, he can actually finish his food. 

So, he’s stuck here. Living with Bill Cipher. Listening to him bitch about finding the appropriate tailor for getting hitched to a human. Not exactly where he thought he’d be at this point in his life, or ever. But he thinks he can work with it.

Arguing with this creature about the world is going to be a struggle. It never won’t be. But it’s one he’ll survive, since Bill’s sort-of cooperating. 

Let Bill shoulder the wedding stuff. He’s the only one enthusiastic about it anyway. Dipper has his  own to work on - and with any luck, they’ll mean he’s far, far away before any of Bill’s come to fruition. 

Now that the mood has lightened, Dipper even finds himself perking up a bit. Saving parts of the world is better than none of it. Plus the food’s pretty good. And best of all, his sister’s alive and staying right next door, a goal he’d never thought he’d achieve - and she’s ready to help him through the worst of this. Even Bill Cipher standing right in front of him can’t ruin-

Dipper pauses with his fork in mid-air. A chunk of french toast, soaked with syrup, lies directly in his view of Bill. 

He looks up at the top point - no hat - scans down to the toeless feet. The toast on his fork hovers right below where the tie usually is, and slightly above the bottom side where Bill’s legs are. A drop of syrup slowly drips onto the plate.

“Bill.” He says, quick and clipped. “Question.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Are you naked?” Dipper asks, then leans forward, pointing his fork-toast at this asshole accusingly.  “Have you been naked this entire time?”

“Maybe! Who’s asking?” Bill’s eye-smile somehow looks incredibly smug. “And for that matter, what’s the definition of ‘naked’ and ‘this entire time’? See-”

“Go put some clothes on.” Dipper states. Seeing Bill not moving, he reluctantly adds, “Please.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got my own stuff to do anyway.” Bill floats up and off the table, drifting towards the doorway - then pauses, pointing both thumbs at himself. “Enjoy the sight, kid! I know you love to see me leave, but you really love to watch me go!” 

And he drifts out of the room, shimmying his bottom side like - Dipper’s going to pretend he never saw that.

At least he’s gone. For the moment. Leaving Dipper to chew on his french toast and a bunch of new information. 

One especially intriguing secret sticks in his head. Forget the demons for a second; Bill’s going to do the heavy lifting on that end. Forget the single bed issue, or the dire problem of upcoming matrimony.

The last guy argued with Bill about the world too. 

Dipper didn’t expect that. 

He’d kind of assumed anyone involved with Bill would be after what he could do for them. Power, money, fame. Those are all common human aphrodisiacs. With Bill, there’s also taking over countries, revenge on their enemies, and gleeful, gory slaughter. 

But Bill said it himself, didn’t he? His dead husband was against conquering the world. That it was something they argued about, almost as bad as the nearly-deadly conversation minutes before.

Which… makes sense, doesn’t it. This is the first time Bill Cipher’s ever invaded this planet. 

If his human husband had been into that, and helped him, it definitely would have happened when he was alive. Another mark on the ‘truth’ column for ‘not-evil husband’.

Hell, as far as Dipper can tell, Bill only started his conquest sometime after the guy passed away, when nobody was around to stop him. Which is also when he started moping around his Fearamid and spending too much time on collectables. 

…If Dead Husband wasn’t into the conquering, Dipper doubts he would approve of the statue ‘collection’. And if he wasn’t into the ‘collection’, he’d be against the more showy forms of violence. Did they have anything in common? 

Like, Dipper kinda gets why a human would marry a demon, even with the rest. Power’s still a thing. Money, too. Bill’s got knowledge in spades, an oddball sort of an indulgent streak, and despite being yelled at he never lashed out. Weird, definitely, but Dipper’s seen worse in ‘normal’ relationships.

… but what does Bill get out of this?

Dipper turns his hand over, staring at his palm. It doesn’t look or feel any different than before; Bill high-fiving it stung for an instant, but that was it. The ‘deal’, such as it was, was done, marking him magically in a strange, invisible way.

So he’s supposed to stop giving that creature the ‘cold shoulder’, whatever that means. Behave in a way more befitting a fiance, he supposes.

But despite their argument. The shouting, the swearing, the defiance he showed -

His palm hasn’t hurt even once.