#MY COUSIN HAS ALWAYS RECOMMENDED IT TO ME AND WE HAVE THE SAME AUTISM SO I FEEL BAD NOT WATCHING IT

[borom1r]

unwillingly learning things abt Game of Thrones from ppl I follow (said w all the affection in my heart) and having to fight for my fucking life against the urge to finally watch it bc ik if I do I will wind up like

[foster-the-world]

Just learned

Just learned about the Harry Potter bakeoff show. What lovely news. The Weasley twins have turned out quite attractive. My daughters are going to love this news. Bee was obsessed with baking shows and Harry Potter for a long while there.

Now to find time to watch it. My SIL and her family are coming in Sunday. So we are all booked up for the next ten days. We are surprising the girls with a day off school to do tourist things with their cousins. We will tell them after baby boy heads out on the bus. They are going to be so excited. They are going to see Elf. So thankful for a really great SIL. She's very easy to get along with. Her kids are wonderful. All around lucky.

Book club meeting at a delicious/low key Indian restaurant tonight. We had moved to online during Covid and never went back. I much prefer the chance to get out of the house. Sending the husband to PTA meeting tmrw night. I was on the Exec board the last two years. Which meant he had the harder job of bed time alone for all three kids. I felt bad going to the meeting tmrw night since he'll be on his own tonight. Then I remembered he can go instead of me since I'm no longer on the Board. I've been slacking at doing school stuff. Def deserve a break after two years but plan to get back to after we get baby boy's school figured out.

We have a tour tmrw for an inclusion school model. 30-40% of the students are black. Every other special ed school has had maybe 2 other black students in the entire school :( This is NYC, filled with tons of diversity, having only two black kids in a school is ass backwards. Lots of different kinds of needs with gen ed kids also included. Down syndrome, physical disabilities, etc, etc. They just provide a lot of individual support for kids with extra needs. Fingers crossed the tour goes well. Its downtown- pretty far from our house. Which I hate. They will bus him but I don't like him being far away. I love that I can walk to his sisters school from work. I feel a little better that my husband works downtown so he'd be nearby if an emergency comes up.

That's the last school we plan to tour. We have a meeting with a lawyer in Mid-December to figure out how strong our case is. Fingers crossed it goes our way. Its the #1 lawyer everyone always recommends. She's known for only taking cases she can win. If she says no we have to figure out if we want to go with someone else who may be more willing to risk losing.

Right now I think we will only apply to the one 2e school with a Kindergarten and the inclusion school (assuming the tour goes well). There are other options if he does not get into one of those. They are more restrictive then I think he needs at this point.

I am also going to verify the DOE will not let him go into the Nest - Autism class (4 ASD kids 8 gen ed kids). His Neuro said it would be great for him but I'm 99% sure they won't let him without a ASD diagnosis. Why can't the DOE create the same program for ADHD kids??? I'd 10000xxxx prefer to put him in a DOE program. I do not want to go through this entire private school suing process. This is terrible. I hate every second of it. I hate the idea that some kids get fancy schools (paid for by the govt!! attended by rich kids whose parents can afford to sue) and some kids do not. It makes no sense. Its not fair. I'd take any other route available to us. I just don't see one.

At bedtime I always tell baby boy I love you so much. He's started asking "Mom, do you love me soooo much?" It melts my whole heart. I'm ready to be over the little kid/need to watch you every second stage of parenting (which is much longer for him then other kids) but I'm going to miss the cuddly baby stage so much. I'm convinced no one will every love me as much again. There's is something so complete and absolute about a mama's boy's love.

[usertoxicyaoi]

Hey faiza I hope you dont mind sharing, but if you do you can ignore this ask, I wouldnt mind.

I have a younger sister who's recently diagnosed with autistism and I've tried to do research regarding it but I still feel helpless and that somehow I'll mess up. She's still growing and I want her to call home a safe place cause she has trouble with the outside world since there isnt a lot of awareness about autism here. Can you please guide me a bit? How you guys handle stuff at home? Any reading material that helped you. Thank you

hiiii anon!!! that's fine! honestly it was hard. bc my brother is the only boy from us all, and we're 4 siblings. there's me as the eldest, then my sister, then my brother and then my youngest sister. so at first, my parents just thought that bc was my brother was the only boy, that he might be developing a lot slower than me and my sister did as girls, but that eventually at the age of 2 or 3, he'd catch up. he didnt.

and my mum was the first one to sorta catch on that something didnt feel right. so after the health visitor inspected my brother and he got assessed, my brother got diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. my dad was a little reluctant at first to accept it, bc no one in my family history (either from my mum or dad's side) have autism or any type of special educational needs or disabilities, so my parents didnt really Know how to handle this all. but then my dad, after some time, came round.

and its not easy at all. it still isnt even though he's 23 now. but we've had a lot of support from different professionals, who are a whole team that have stuck with my brother at various points in his life, like his speech and language therapist or his educational psychologist or his medical staff or his teachers or his social worker etc. so they've always supported us and given us guidance and sent my parents to various courses - like triple p, something i hiiiiiiighly recommend. as a teacher, i also look into team teach, but i'd recommend even that too tbh, as a way to help and learn about de-escalation, and how you can positively help your sister in her education and broader sense of learning. another thing we also use is PECS - its honestly v v v useful for most children with autism as it helps them visualise their routine/timetable for the day/planned activities, but it also helps in allowing them to express what or how they feel, like hunger or fatigue, and helps them communicate their needs to you, if you help them understand what the visual cards represent.

for my brother, we've always had him have his own bedroom, and thats his private space to cool off and calm down that we rarely go in. my brother's non verbal, so he really has struggled with communication. we know a bit of BSL (sign language) and that helped when he was a kid, but as he grew, his school and his teachers slowly got him to begin speaking. he now only speaks in 3 or 4 word strings, not full sentences, but its a huge development!

my brother's really into disney, so he has a collection of disney books and films in his bedroom. what i'm saying is that get the time to explore what your sister's interests and hobbies are, and make her safe space one that holds her interests to help her feel secure. my brother isnt very into sensory textured things, so food isn't a huge issue with him, but for your sister, explore what textures she likes and what she doesnt. we dont ever force my brother into something he doesnt want to do, and sometimes that can mean cancelling plans last minute as a whole family too, which can be quite upsetting. so sometimes what helps is telling my brother well in advance that we're planning to do xyz on such a day, so that on that day, he isnt overcome with anxiety, bc most children with autism need a set routine, and if that gets disrupted, then they will behave anxiously. so now, when we have to go to a wedding or go out to eat, we tell my brother a week or so in advance, and he's okay with that.

but also, build some independence and decision making in them! let them choose what clothes they want to wear, what food they want to eat, whether they want to do english or maths today etc. sometimes things can become overwhelming and they do hit or bite or pinch or throw things. thats the moment where you just say a firm No and step away. let them cool off, and that will give you a chance to cool off too.

and always make sure YOU are okay too. if it gets too much, speak to your family. make sure different people are with your sister, because it can be physically difficult and mentally emotional. if you want to rest one day and have that day for yourself, tell someone in your family in advance and have some me time, and that will give a different family member a chance to spend time with your sister. that will help your sister build more relationships too! some days, my brother doesnt even wanna see my face, and thats ok! he spends that day with my other sisters or my parents or he'll go out with my cousin or sometimes, just by himself, bc they need that too.

and if you just tell someone, if you are going out somewhere, that you have a family member that has autism, you'll be surprised with how accommodating people are, and that helps so so much as opposed to not telling and then you'll get stressed and anxious too. like, sometimes, crowds and big spaces stress my brother out, even now, for example at a wedding we recently went to. but we told the person who invited us about my brother, and they said its absolutely no problem whatsoever if my brother needs to step out for a bit to get some fresh air or if he needs to be fed first etc. and in the same vein, i'd say to keep your conversations with you and your sister's "team" (her school teachers etc) ongoing, so that everyone is on the same page. for example, if you were to go on holiday or implement a new habit or try something new with your sister, if your sister's whole "team" knows about this, then you are all on the same page, and will help build that new change for your sister.

its honestly a learning experience that will never end, if i were to be honest. and some days its so .... hard. and other days its the most heartwarming thing you'll ever experience. make sure you take care of yourself, including speaking to someone if gets too much, so you can take care of your sister. and soon enough you yourself with just ... develop a sixth sense for who and what your sister wants or doesnt want and who or what she does or doesnt need.

🧡

[asd-n-me]

so I’ve been trying to figure out what disorder I have for years and recently I learned about autism. (I think it’s grossly over stereotyped because I thought it was weird until I looked it up) and it describes me for the most part. I stim when happy like the flapping. I have sensitivity to textures. Executive dysfunction is very real. I get distracted easily and motivation is so hard to come by. I have small routines rather then large ones. Your account has been really helpful in this process

Pt2 but I’m nervous that I’m just trying to fit a box.Like my social skills are horrible but I speak and understand sarcasm. I don’t get sensory overloaded but i hyperfixate on things. I have a special interest(s) on weird things but I also like things in the “normal way” I stim a lot and have weird mood fluctuations that I try to keep down so no one asks or sets me off.But I’m almost 18 and there should have been a earlier signs?Idk do you think it’s possible Or am I just trying too hard to fit

I am sorry my response is a little late, I’ve been having technical troubles but I am back. 

Friend, I am so glad that you find my account helpful because that is always my goal. 

I have always disliked people asking these things in asks, just because I know the typing is limited so it’s hard to describe all your experiences in 500 spaces or less. 

Hyperfixation, executive dysfunction, distractability, mood fluctuation, and some stimming and sensitivities can be seen in our ADHD cousins. I’m sure you are aware of that already. 

1.That being said, if you’re just discovering your autistic traits recently I am sure you are missing earlier signs that you haven’t even put together yet. That doesn’t mean they aren’t there. 

Not to mention the fact that, “high-functioning” considered individuals tend to be able to somewhat handle things in their youth, but start breaking down as they excel in age. 

2. You do not have to have sensory overloads to be autistic. Many autistics are adept at self-regulation and can for the most part avoid overload. 

But I hope you realize you do not have to meltdown or shutdown to be in overload. If a sound or texture or anything else sensory related has ever had you afraid you might yell at someone, scream into the abyss, or had you white knuckling the table or breaking a pencil or ripping paper to keep your cool etc. than you have suffered the effects of sensory overwhelming you. 

If the last thought in your head is, “how did i manage to not lose my shit?” It’s because you were being overwhelmed. 

3. No need to differentiate between little and small routines, if you’ve been on my blog you know I am a big supporter of people who experience small routines. You are no less. 

4. Plenty of autistics understand sarcasm and use it frequently. It doesn’t somehow disqualify you despite what certain Neurotyicals think. Late diagnosis autistics often manage certain aspects of socializing with their deficiencies written off as being awkward or quirky. 

Something to think about as well. A. did you always understand sarcasm? B. how much sarcasm do you not realize you are missing? 

I live in a sarcastic household, we use sarcasm constantly, but there are still times I don’t realize someone is being sarcastic and no one explains it. I have felt very proficient in sarcasm my whole life, but I was quite surprised to find out how much I was still missing. Not saying that’s your story, but it is something to think about. 

5. Now that I’ve been talking forever, sorry for that, there are always some earlier signs of autism because it is a lifetime disorder, however that doesn’t mean people around you or even yourself will notice them. 

Don’t stop looking into autism. If it resonates with you look deeper. When I first read about autism I didn’t think it was me at all. You’d think that would be ridiculous and that I should have seen myself immediately but I didn’t. It wasn’t fancy articles and informational videos that helped me see it either, although they helped, it was through the experiences of other autistic POV. 

I can post somethings about recognizing earlier signs or autism soon, I would recommend for now watching the video I posted about being a teenage aspie, neurowonderful and invisible I are good youtubes for learning about autism. Neurowonderful is more informative and invisible I is a little less accurate but fairly relatable. 

A good blog to look into on tumblr is asdmemory tagged #ASDmemory because they talk a lot about childhood autistic memories. undiagnosedautismfeels is off track of its real intentions, which I know drives the admin nuts, but has stories of before they knew they were autistic. 

Save the things that resonate with you, write em in a book, whatever you want. I wish you well in your journey to self discovery and no friend, I don’t think your are just trying to fit it. I think you are trying discover who you are. <3

(if you still have questions feel free to hit the ask box again i will answer, if you’d like to talk more please don’t be afraid to send me a message. if you still prefer asks because of the anon feature than don’t be afraid to spam me with like 5 in a row. whatever helps you feel like you explained yourself. dont be afraid to ask the same question either if you didnt feel i answered it as it was intended.)

Have a great day! 

[notyourmamasspoons]

Hi you're ADHD content has helped me out so much in actually understanding it. I was wondering what you might recommend when explaining ADHD to parents? I plan on making a PowerPoint presentation. They said they did their research but one thinks its just hyper/spacey and that I'm sensitive, and the other thinks it might be an autism misdiagnosis (I did too until I did more research).

I’m so glad that it’s helping you!

I’m definitely not the best one to ask on how to best explain it to parents. My own family denies that I have ADHD actually! Mostly because I was a very very well performing student in school (with pretty much straight A’s and honors classes) and because “I wasn’t always bouncing off the walls as a kid”. Which is why I slipped through the cracks and suffered so much once I got in my 20s.

Some parents are very receptive though and I’m glad yours are doing research! Even minimal! You can kind of just explain that there is a lot that goes to your “sensitivity” and that it’s a commonly underreported symptom of ADHD.

There is also a LOT that ADHD and Autism have in common. So much so that I’ve read some theories that ADHD is actually part of the Autistic spectrum. However, I’m not nearly educated enough about that to really give any hardcore details. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ever got categorized as part of the Autism spectrum but, personally, I feel that they’re more like...I dunno second cousins maybe once removed. Similar, and we can see the likeness, but still different upbringings so-to-speak. BUT NOW I’M ADHD RAMBLING.

For that parent though, I would just say they are similar in how they present but different diagnoses. Much like how MCAS and Lyme disease have a lot of the same symptoms but are very different in what they do to someone.

Hyper/spacey is part of ADHD but not for everyone. In fact calling it Attention Deficit is actually kind of misinformation in and of itself. We don’t really have a deficit of attention. If anything we can pay TOO much attention to certain things (hyperfocus). But only to what our brains find interesting and for limited spaces of time (though that limited space could be weeks or months depending on the interest). I don’t remember the post I saw and I wish I could so I could actually quote and give credit to the person that said it best. But our attention is more...misplaced or dysregulated if anything.

I would say don’t overwhelm them with EVERYTHING ADHD though it can be tempting especially when we get really excited about a topic. But try to stick to the meat of what you want them to take away from it.

You don’t necessarily need to go into the depths of what RSD is, but you could bring it up on a slide, give a brief definition, how it impacts you (if it does). Boom, then next slide about maybe any hyperactivity you have. Boom then a slide about how you can also paradoxically be completely wiped of any and all energy (if that happens to you). I don’t know what your pronouns are but ADHD also presents differently in different genders! So you could bring that up as well.

If you’re a minority ADHD also goes HIGHLY underreported and undiagnosed in minority children and culturally our families are more likely to deny our diagnosis or attribute it to something else.

 I hope this helps you somewhat! Let me know if you have any other questions, anon! :)

[brodymeetsworld]

This Christmas.

When I was a little girl, Christmas was my favorite holiday of the year. My grandmother would cook for days in preparation for the entire family( 6 grown children, 10 plus grandchildren) to gather around the table together (or the infamous kids table.) It was one of the only times of the year I was able see my extended family, and I soaked up every second of the time we had together. I have so many memories from learning how to cook with my Grandma, Aunts, and my oldest cousin Erin. To watching football in the living room with everyone including Granddaddy snoozing in “his chair”, to secretly learning how to play the card game “bullshit” (at a very young age I might add lol) with all of the cousins on the back enclosed porch. We would always end our evening the same way, after dinner we would sing the “Happy Birthday” song to Jesus, and because my little brother and I were the babies of the family, we usually got to blow out the candles on the cake. Afterwards, most of us would attend Christmas eve candlelight service at the Monterey Methodist Church. I didn’t get to go to Church very often, so these services were so special and beautiful to me. Those memories are some of the best memories of my childhood. 

After my grandparents passed away, the glue that held our extended family together dissolved. Everyone decided to host their own families for the holidays, and no longer wanted the financial or time burden to feed and host twenty-thirty family members. It saddens my soul to never see my aunts, uncles, or cousins anymore. The only way we see each other and communicate now is through social media or phone calls. One big portion of our family even moved half way across the country to Missouri, so the chances of seeing them anytime soon are slim. I truly haven’t felt the magic of Christmas since Christmas in Monterey, and that was 15 years ago.

After I met and married my husband, and when I became a mom, at the age of 26 and again at 27, I thought that magic would suddenly just appear again! Wrong, if anything, Christmas was harder all around. Not only did my two babies want nothing to do with Santa Clause, or the presents my husband and I worked so hard to buy, wrap, put together, but they were determined to destroy all of our decorations, including 3 separate artificial trees. I was completely emotionally and physically drained the first two Christmas’s with our children. I always just threw it off as of well this is life with two under two, or two under three. It never occurred to me, that one of my children may have special needs.

Fast forward to today, this will be my 30th Christmas. This will be my boys 4th and 5th Christmas. This year they have finally left our beautiful tree alone, and most of the presents underneath it as well. They both love to sing Christmas songs, and watch the snow fall on the ground. Our favorite thing to do right now is make Christmas crafts, and go searching for Christmas lights at night in the car. The proof of them growing and learning is obvious this year, and it brings so much joy to my heart. We also started going to church this year. What brought us to church was learning about our oldest son, Brody, diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder over Easter weekend this past year. 

You see, my husband and I always knew Brody was special, but we had no idea how special he really was. We were first time parents, and when Bentley came along just 14 months after his brother, we entered survival mode and did our very best. Looking back, I think Brody started showing signs of Autism shortly after his brother came into the world, around 16 months old. I was in denial for a long time, as well as my husband. I can remember looking back and thinking how hard it was in the beginning with both boys, and I never thought of the hard times as Brody being “abnormal”. I always blamed myself for “not being a good enough parent”, and that’s why he is crying all the time. Or “I’m not a good cook, that's why he won’t eat any of the meals I make for him”. And the one I really truly believed, “I guess I don’t talk to him enough and that's why he won’t speak”. All of these things would torment me every day, and all I could do was vent to my husband or his pediatrician. I even took him to see a ENT doctor determined because he had so many ear infections as a baby, maybe he had a hearing problem. It wasn’t until a close family member kept Brody over night that Autism even crossed our radar. Bless her heart too, she tried to tell me, but instead of accepting help, I was angry with her. The first time I reached out for help with our children and my biggest fear was being confirmed.(crazy when I think back, I really was scared of this diagnosis) I was so deep in denial there was nothing she could have done at that time that wouldn't have upset me. It took a toll on our relationship, and I regret the time we lost together over it.

Before we even received Brody’s diagnosis, we enrolled him into the special needs pre school in our county. He qualified right away, and he started right after his third birthday. He went from speaking one word sentences, to three to four word sentences in a year and half time so far, and most importantly he can communicate his needs and wants. His eating has improved, and we have a list of foods he will eat as oppose to 4 things total. Brody will dance with us down the hallway, and sing silly songs for us. He knows how to say please and thank you, I’ve been told by his teachers he is showing empathy to his classmates, and he can finally say “I love you, mommy” or “I love you, daddy” without signing them to us at the same time. All of these things are so bittersweet for us, because there was a time not too long ago we weren’t sure they were even a possibility. 

Easter 2019 comes, we receive our sons test results in the mail. If you’ve never read ADOS results before, they can be a bit confusing. My husband and I read the results, googled our sons comparison score of “4″, and thought he was on the severe end of the spectrum. It wasn’t until the next day did we find out we were wrong, Brody is in fact on the mild end of the spectrum. But the night before was rough, we both cried and cried. Why did we cry? I really don't know the answer to that question. When you receive a diagnosis for your child, no matter the diagnosis, a part of you inside just breaks into a million pieces. I can’t speak for my husband on this, but I know for myself, as a mom, I blamed myself for a long time. I spent so much time trying to think back through out my pregnancy with Brody what I could have done wrong. I think back through out his infancy what could have went wrong, “what did I do, what did I do that made him different.” The end of the school year was coming, and we have a yearly IEP meeting with all of Brody’s team members. In that meeting, the school psychologist who tested Brody, told us it was imperative for Brody to constantly be put into small social circles. She recommended t-ball, soccer, church, birthday parties, etc. So that is exactly what we did. Brody wasn’t old enough to enroll into sports in our county yet, so we accepted every single birthday party invite, and focused on finding a Church family.

We had several invites to different churches in our community, but because I myself hadn’t been to church in over 15 years, I was a nervous wreck deciding which church to attend. Going anywhere, by yourself (my husband works A LOT), with two rowdy boys is hard. It’s 10x harder when you have a child with Autism. I knew I had to get over my fears of my sons meltdowns, and do this not only for my sons social interaction sake, but also so our children could learn about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I always wanted to learn about the Lord when I was growing up, but no body ever wanted to wake up sunday morning to attend a church service with me. In fact, the only times I ever attended church was during Christmas or if I stayed the night with one of my friends whose family attended. Now its my turn, it’s my duty as a mother, and as a daughter of the King, to teach my children his word and of his sacrifice for all of us. 

I choose our church family, Redeeming Grace Outreach Worship Center. The boys and I go almost every sunday. Both boys wake up excited to go to church, and really enjoy singing and dancing for the Lord. After a bit of a transitioning period in the beginning, Brody will finally go to the nursery without mama having to be there too. I am finally able to read the bible and worship God and take something away from each and every service, and that truly has been a game changer in our life as a family. 

So for my 30th Christmas this year, this will be by far my best Christmas yet. Its been a year of ups and downs, a year of believing in miracles (Ezekiel Rhett), a year of building our faith, and a year of learning acceptance. Our son is exactly who he is supposed to be, and he was made in the eyes of our father. Through him, I’m learning exactly who I’m supposed to be too. God has a purpose for each and everyone of us, and our mighty King makes no mistakes. This Christmas will be magical because we made it that way.

#autismawareness #autismacceptance  

[100-yardstare]

I can’t believe I missed ace awareness week. I wanted to blog a little about it, but my computer charger failed on me and it’s taken about a month for me to prepare for the bill to replace it. I feel yucky right now so I just felt like writing about what’s going on in general instead.

I’ve been on so many interviews. I was screwed over on my last big job interview (the one I ranted about last time) partially because I think my old boss that said she be a reference flat out told me she wasn’t going to do it AFTER I submitted her as a reference to the job, so I’m almost 98% sure I was passed over because of that. In addition one of the committee members that interviewed me got mad at me for calling her “ma’m”. She explained she wasn’t from Texas, and I apologized and said something on the lines of it must be a culture shock for her and I didn’t mean to offend. Somehow people think the term is used as an insult now, and that is beyond me. I guess I’m old school lol age is catching up with me and I’m not even realizing it.

So I’ve been on plenty of interviews since then but I keep getting passed over. The last one I had to take a aptitude test, and after receiving feedback from them as to why I was rejected, it’s apparently because I’m a slow calculator/clerical worker. Big whoop because I already know that. I am really feeling the negativity now as an adult looking for work about neurodivergent people trying to find a place in a neurotypical working world. I don’t want to disclose me being ADD to anybody in pre-employment screenings because I don’t want that label to penalize me. But one way or another being ADD does just so anyway.

Because it’s been about 9 months now without work I’ve been seeing my savings decline heavily. My medication bills are at least 155 a month, and on top of that I’m still paying off a stupid hospital bill from 3 years ago that was roughly 2,000 dollars for swallowing barium and a doctor looking at an X-Ray. So that comes to immediately at minimum 200+ dollars a month just on that. Add in the other stuff and I’m fucked without an income. I’ve applied to so many retail jobs too, but nobody gets back to me either.

I don’t go out much anymore because I can’t afford to charge for dinners, so I eat whatever my mom cooks. If she is too sick from her RA, then I try and cook, but because we don’t go to the store as often anymore to save on bills (my parents are having a hard time too) I have resorted to eating canned beans, soups, and others of likeness that don’t go bad. My father is also emotionally abusive to both me and my mom, and it’s gotten worse ever since he started having problems with his job. I can’t leave because I don’t have the money to live on my own. My hobbies have heavily declined. I used to make at least two big cosplay’s a year, and go to conventions, but I can’t do that because, OH NO, I don’t have enough money, and I can’t get a job. I cry all the time because I am so bored. I go out of the house only to volunteer once a week because gas money is tight, and to take my mom on errands. I dream constantly of going on trips. I feel trapped in this house I might as well be a ghost. I stare at my phone all day in hopes of either getting a response from an employer or validation from my social media, it’s pathetic. Imagine being so bored and trapped in your house AND being ADD. It’s like my mind is constantly going places and running around, and I just get emotionally exhausted because I have to tell myself, “no, I can’t afford to go eat at that place, I can’t afford to go on a roadtrip, I can’t buy the material to do my hobby”.

Here is what I learned from all this, which I’m sure a lot of you have already learned, or will learn. Getting a degree doesn’t do you shit. The world hates you and doesn’t care about you, yet values you only on how productive you are and how much money you can make. I see my friends trapped in this mindset right now, but what am I supposed to do? Tell them to give up on their dreams? My cousin is going to grad school for her SECOND Master’s because her other one isn’t getting her good jobs. She even has a full time job on top of it, but her car broke down, and with a full-time paying job she CAN’T AFFORD TO FIX IT. My friend is going to college to get a degree in computer engineering of the sorts, but she’s already 40,000+ dollars in loans. Tbh I’m so glad my brother dropped college. He was trying to complete a degree he didn’t even like, loathed as a matter of fact to the point of attempting suicide. My dad always told him trade school was bullshit, which is A LIE, so I’m sure he felt like he didn’t have any other options when he started. The trades are an awesome career path, and I have a deep respect for anyone who can become a welder, plumber, or whatever. Whatever he ends up doing I’ll be proud of him regardless. I’ve learned that there are other ways to make something for yourself. The traditional route of college doesn’t bring the American Dream, only our persistence and spirit does.

If you’ve gotten this far reading this, this is NOT to say drop out of school. But plan ahead. Don’t jump into college right after HS just because it’s expected of you. Don’t do a degree that you think is good just because it will make you money. One thing college did for me was teach me about myself. I have a massive learning disability, and I graduated. I worked hard for YEARS, thinking I’d never graduate because I had such a hard time keeping my grades up, managing my health, and all the sorts. But I did it! I graduated. The world has told me that doesn’t matter. The world is going to tell YOU that nothing you do matters or is of worth. But it is. You matter. You are NOT a burden.

I will say that all that has happened to me makes me a fierce advocate for those with disabilities and mental illness. My last job working at an ABA clinic showed me that babies (yes, literally BABIES) that don’t act neurotypical will be punished for it. I’ve seen in the work world that if you don’t act neurotypical, you are punished for it. Where I currently volunteer now there is a huge respect for disabled individuals. I see a lot of kids with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD/ADD, and even physical disabilities. This one boy with CP couldn’t even walk before, let alone stand up, and now thanks to Equine Assisted Therapy, he can sit up and walk with assistance. He did that! That was his accomplishment and I am so proud of him. And yet a lot of people in the world will look at him with just another kid with disabilities that will probably not amount to much. See where I’m getting at? I’m so protective of these people because I am like them. One way or another, we have to stand up for eachother. My story with ADD may not be the same as a particular person with autism, CP, or mental illnesses, but we have to look out for each other. Going through all this has made me a stronger person and I will defend us with everything I’ve got.

FYI if any of you reading this wants to donate to a good organization this year for the holiday’s I’d HIGHLY recommend SIRE Therapeutic Horsemanship in TX. Great wonderful group of people and animals.

Yes, I’m in a horrible place right now. But I’ve learned. I sincerely hope things will change for me soon so I can better take care of myself and my mom, but of course I’m human and I’m going to suffer anyway in the moment. I hope 2020 is going to be better for me because this year was terrible. I crave financial independence, the ability to travel and see and experience new things, and be in a better spot professionally, and personally to do the things I want to do. Graduate school isn’t even an option right now because I can’t afford it, and as of now, I don’t care to go to graduate school. Maybe someday, years from now, but at this rate I’m so sick and tired of expectations from society I just say fuck it. I’ll get there at my own pace. And I’ll be successful without the worlds opinion on what makes me successful.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I figured that since we’re still waiting out the Casualty hiatus, I’d throw on an old Holby I hadn’t seen to watch tonight instead. I picked S15E06 “Hail Caesar” (from Henrik’s ‘hiding out in Stockholm’ era in early S15 - due to the lack of Henrik in the episode, I haven’t bothered watching it before) - where Jac treats an autistic teenage boy, according to the anon who recommended me the episode a couple months back. And apparently some of you like my liveblogs, so guess I’ll be liveblogging it in this post.

Edit 1: Ah, the era of the “previously on” being after the theme. I preferred it beforehand to be honest, it separated them nicely.

Edit 2: OH IT’S A DANA FAINARU ONE!! Dana Fainaru wrote most of the Paula story on Casualty so you know this is gonna be good.

Edit 3: Michael, Ric, Malick. A trio of characters I miss.

Edit 4: My autistic queen Chantelle!!

Edit 5: Ah, Imelda Cousins’ debut. The tradition of using women CEOs only as temporary replacements for Henrik goes back far.

Edit 6: Tara!!

Edit 7: Jonny saying (regarding the patient) “he has Asperger’s” and then the episode immediately cutting to apparently actor-confirmed autistic Luc made me laugh more than it should have.

Edit 8: I guess Luc was technically Holby’s first confirmed autistic major character then (Henrik arrived before him but wasn’t confirmed until recently), even if only via the actor’s interview. I’ll take it. Rather him have that position than Jason.

Edit 9: Of course the autistic boy’s a white maths prodigy. I did - not saying this jokingly - expect no more in an episode from 2012 anyway.

Edit 10: I hate the patient’s mum already. And I hate Jonny immediately focusing on how “hard” it must be for her instead of for the autistic boy himself.

Edit 11: This episode furthering my idea that the reason autistic characters always get on with Jac is because of her blunt communication style.

Edit 12: Patient says she has 21 cats that need to be watched while she’s in hospital; Luc responds “Well, they can feed on each other then, can’t they?”. I can’t lie, I laughed out loud.

Edit 13: I’m getting deja vu, didn’t Casualty have an autistic teenage white boy with a football special interest at some point?

Edit 14: Ric’s glasses always really suited him.

Edit 15: Malick, my beloved.

Edit 16: This kid’s football ramblings are probably what it sounds like to people when I talk about Henrik.

Edit 17: Billy the autistic kid: “I know I have the social skills of a potato...” Same.

Edit 18: More Casualty-inspired deja vu: Luc is treating a spiritual type woman like Dylan did in that one episode.

Edit 19: I love Chantelle.

Edit 20: Luc is great.

Edit 21: “Why are we not talking to him directly? He is 16!” I LOVE YOU JAC. And this patronising paediatrician can fuck off.

Edit 22: Jac and Elliot scene!

Edit 23: Sacha appreciating the patient’s cat photos.

Edit 24: Malick in the background of this Ric and Lilah (the Australian junior doctor) scene is inexplicably funny to me.

Edit 25: Jac suggests offering a certain surgical option to Billy, the Patronising Paediatrician says “You’re talking about someone whose cognitive abilities are impaired! He’s not able to make that call!”. My cognitively disabled autistic ass HATES THIS DUDE.

Edit 26: Luc to Sacha: “I could hug you. If I went in for the ‘human contact’ stuff, I could honestly hug you.”

Edit 27: Malick to Lilah: “You know Nurse Lane will never say no to anything.” Chantelle. Is. Autistic.

Edit 28: JAC MY QUEEN.

Edit 29: Jac just absolutely taking on the Autism Mum. I ADORE her.

Edit 30: Patronising Paediatrician: “[Billy]’s a vulnerable patient--” Jac: “Exactly! He’s vulnerable, so he needs someone to stand up for him and stop patronising him.” <3

Edit 31: Sacha taking no prisoners calling Luc out.

Edit 32: Not the Autism Mum deciding this is the right moment to yell at her kid??

Edit 33: Patronising Paediatrician has entered the theatre.

Edit 34: Malick was such a good character.

Edit 35: Jac is AWESOME.

Edit 36: Not the Patronising Paediatrician trying to ask Jac out like he hasn’t been undermining her all day.

Edit 37: Sacha, after helping Luc with his trial: “Well, I’ve always had a soft spot for the socially dysfunctional and the offensive!”

Edit 38: Imelda annoys me so much. IDK why but she does.

Edit 39: Jac looks GORGEOUS in that blouse.

Edit 40: Oh man Jac WHY would you agree to a date with Patronising Paediatrician. You can do so much better.

Edit 41: Lilah is very pretty. Not much else to her character though.

Also as much as I love Ric and find Imelda annoying, he’s being quite a dick to her!

Edit 42: All in all, a good episode. Dana Fainaru, man. She always delivers.

[bibliophilebookreviews]

The Bride Test

The Bride Test by Helen Hoang

I read this book (via audio book) immediately after The Kiss Quotient which is also by Helen Hoang -- partly because I was curious to compare them, and partly because I had seen this book recommended often as well.

Here’s the spoiler-free premise: Khai is a successful 26-year-old Vietnamese American in California. He’s also autistic. That’s why his mom goes back to Vietnam to find him a wife, one who will be perfect for him. Luckily, his mom finds My who passes the test. My is hesitant to accept because she’s “just” a cleaner and has a young daughter, but she agrees at her own mother’s encouragement. Khai, however, is not so easily sold, partially because he doesn’t believe that he has the ability to love. My -- who changes her name to Esmeralda, Esme for short -- also hopes to find the father she never knew while she’s in California. Esme soon begins learning English in an effort to make a better life for herself, her daughter, mom, and grandmother because it doesn’t look like things work out with Khai as he refuses to acknowledge his feelings for her by the deadline his mother has set for their wedding and Esme does not want to return to Viet Nam.

So before I start, fun fact: these characters are related to those in The Kiss Quotient! If you read The Kiss Quotient, you’ll recall that Michael has an autistic cousin named Khai. Well here he is! And Michael and Stella make a cameo appearance in this novel -- Khai and Esme attend their wedding. (Theirs is actually the last of several weddings Khai and Esme attend.) Also, if you read The Kiss Quotient (or my review of it) then you know that the sex scenes were very descriptive. Hoang is not quite as descriptive with Khai and Esme’s sexual episodes, but I still might not listen to this in the car with kids. 

Like The Kiss Quotient, Hoang writes in the third person omniscient and alternates between Khai and Esme’s perspectives. Unlike it, though, The Bride Test features a slight language barrier which I though was very cute: Khai speaks English to Esme and she speaks Vietnamese to him. Still, their relationship escalated rather quickly, in my opinion. But I didn’t mind. It was heartwarming to see Khai love her with his actions, if not his words, and to see Esme be understanding and accept Khai. Plus, they had undeniable chemistry.

I liked a lot of things about this book. First, I always love the moment when you figure out how a book got its title, and we get that in chapter one! Second, I liked that both characters were relatable. Though I’ve never been in her position, I understood My, and I found that I couldn’t judge any of her decisions. And again, I related to the autistic character, Khai, a lot. (For I, too, love perfect increments of time and whole dollar amounts at the gas tank!) I think it’s important to note, however, that Khai and Stella are not the same and don’t have the same personality, quirks, “issues,” etc. even though they’re both on the autism spectrum. Kudos to Hoang for writing them so differently! Third, I love that Esme had her own dreams and ambitions outside of being with Khai. It was actually inspiring to see her motivation shift from being with him to wanting to improve for him to wanting to improve for herself and her existing family. 

I also really liked Khai’s brother, Quan. (But their sister was weird...) Honestly, all of the characters were just really good, nice, positive people who looked out for Khai and/or Esme. (Shout-out to Mrs. Q!!) I thought the ending was pretty good: though cheesy, which was fine, it wrapped up just a little bit too conveniently for me. But the epilogue redeemed the ending for me. Last thing, and this is a slight spoiler: I do wish that they had gone back to using Jade’s Vietnamese name, especially since Esme used hers for all of her official documents. But that doesn’t detract from the story.

Overall, I thought this novel was really cute. It definitely had me intrigued -- I was starting to worry about Khai’s feelings myself! -- and I would love to see a movie be made of this. I would definitely recommend, especially if you’ve already read The Kiss Quotient but even if you haven’t.

[autistickitten]

Long post (we added spaces and a readmore)

Hello! I didn’t know if i could submit asks or whatever this is, and i checked and it seems like this is okay! It’s a little long winded, i apologize greatly, my thoughts are just everywhere right now and i needed to get this out, thank you in advance!

When i was younger i had all the stereotypical signs of asd, i rocked, i lined toys up along with everything else in the house, i had meltdowns over seemingly innocuous things, i had sensory issues, i’d cry when i had my teeth brushed, i couldn’t eat certain foods, i cried as though it hurt when i got my nails clipped and i had to have the same cream colored pillow and fluffy white blanket with me to go to sleep.

At one point i needed nemo to be playing on my mom’s laptop, one night i woke up and it wasn’t playing. It wasn’t as though i was gonna watch it but it shook me to the core. I cried and screamed so bad i puked all over myself. My mom says she doesn’t remember that, she was there, i do.

I had similar issues growing up but they became more social. I was bullied. I’d cry. People would make fun of me and i didn’t understand. I was very different. I thought i was stupid but everyone else seemed to disagree as well. I couldn’t understand.

At the age of 7 i was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic genetic disorder that at the time was somewhat of a death sentence. My mom was told my life span was 20 years old, it was a miracle i was alive to this point without doctors knowing. I was very sick as a child as well. A common cold meant pneumonia and occasional seizures at some point.

My whole life begun to revolve around my cystic fibrosis. So many things i couldn’t do. That’s not the point though. The point is there was no room for other diagnoses. My mom wasn’t going to look into her suspicions for various reasons, my behavior wasn’t stereotypical enough i suppose, and i was already sick enough. So we focused on that instead. I wasn’t diagnosed and i continued to grow up weird and different.

By 5th grade i was put into homeschooling. This wasn’t because of the asd, but instead because my sister had finally told my mom that our step father and been abusing her ( and me unbeknownst to her yet ) , both sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. for four years since he came into our lives.

The court dates and other things such as having to deal with all the weight of it all got to me, i couldn’t go to public school anymore. I was homeschooled for 4 years. I was so terribly behind. I felt so stupid. Things i knew i should know were mysteries to me. I cried over homework almost every time. I hit myself and broke pencils and ripped paper because i was so stupid. I just didn’t know what went wrong, i was so smart. I just couldn’t understand the things i was being taught.

I’m rambling… i went into public school again before those four years, for 6th grade. I was only there for a few months before i broke down in front of my mom crying. I couldn’t handle it all. I was bullied there too. I know that wasn’t the only reason.

Skip forward and when i was around 11 years old i was talking to my mom and she mentioned the fact that she had suspected i had autism when i was younger. I asked why and she explained all my strange behaviors to me. I asked if she got me tested, she didn’t.

What i’d known of autism then was based on my cousin, whose only reason for being diagnosed i know now, being that she was nonverbal. When i was younger i had heard somewhere and reasoned that she had been dropped on a skateboard as a child and that’s why she was the way she was. This was based on the way other people described her autism near me. They weren’t kind. I thought this was strange, that my mom considered this. I brushed it under the rug. She would later deny to a specialist that she ever suspected it.

A year or more later and i started noticing my weird behavior more. I did research into autism. I may not have mentioned but i’m very good at research. As a child i’d organize alphabetically all the species of big cats and hummingbirds and different kinds of littlest pet shop. I mailed a little to the company even after writing down a list of all the animals they never made yet (a list i made after going over the dictionary so many times) and sent it them.

I did research and found i fit the bill quite perfectly. I even spoke in a monotone voice and overly formally. I had a hard time expressing emotions and my social skills were absolutely terrible. But no one could tell very well because i was very interested in human behavior and i mimicked them well. This would be a downfall later on.

I brought this up to my sister and she said it made sense. I knew shed see it that way. My mom, completely disagreed. I stayed quiet. Didn’t bring it up for quite a while. I went through many psychs. I finally asked one about a possible aspergers or asd diagnosis. She said i’m too high functioning to benefit from it and that she can tell i don’t have it just by looking at me. She said everyone is a little autistic. I stayed quite longer.

I finally asked another one years or so later. She recommended me a specialist. I was so happy. Finally i’d be validated for my struggles. I was worried of how i should act. I figured shed be able to see through my neurotypical mask. I was wrong.

My mom thought it was ridiculous that i had asked for a specialist. She asked if i’m just doing it for fun. I was very worried. I acted different and didn’t share the whole truth with the specialist and my mom definitely lied during the screening. I asked her later about all the things i thought was evidence for a diagnosis. She denied a lot of it. When asked if i ever hurt myself during these “tantrums” she said no. i specified if i ever hit or scratched myself because i vividly remember doing that and even do it today, she said “every kid does that when they have tantrums.” at one point the specialist said that schizophrenia was on the autism spectrum, this took me aback, such old beliefs i couldn’t understand how this was coming from a 20 or 30 some year old.

I still don’t know why she still thinks that. The specialist said she always worried she would pass someone autistic by as neurotypical and that they would go without a diagnosis and without help. She said she didn’t worry about that with me cause i didn’t give off that “vibe.” during the screening my mom mentioned the trauma and it’s like a switch flipped in the specialists brain, all of this was the traumas fault, i just needed to continue my depression and anxiety therapy for a few months and i’d probably be better.

I hate this all. I understand it has an effect but my trauma isn’t the root of all my causes and i hate having my real issues be passed off using that as a reason. The shit i went through doesn’t explain every bit of evidence that was present before the matter, of course she never really addressed that. i was devastated. I hated myself. I thought i’d lost my last chance at a diagnosis and it was all my fault. I went home and had a meltdown.

I questioned myself and all of my research. I talked to my counselor about this and she said i should ask for a reevaluation. I did eventually. I will be having a call with the specialist soon and i’m scared. I’m scared because she is the only specialist in my area and i will sound like i’m shopping for a diagnosis to her. I’m so scared.

I’m sorry this was so long winded, i just needed to get this out here. If possible, could someone give me some advice please? It doesn’t matter what, just any? Thank you so very much. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

This is the Sad Kitty submission. I forgot to put that I am afab and that it doesn’t seem like the specialist had any experience in diagnosing and identifying “female traits” of autism. Sorry to bother

Will the reevaluation be with the same person ? That specialist seems to hold quite a few outdated beliefs, but still, it can’t hurt to try ! Here’s a few suggestions:

We always advise to print out the DSM criteria, which you can find a bit below in our posts, and annotate it with the traits you show, with specific exemples if you can. Writing out a bit about your life can also be helpful. (Or even just printing this ask out would work !) If your mom isn’t cooperative, maybe bring your sister instead ?

And just answer the questions truthfully, without exaggerating or underplaying your traits.

It’s possible that you aren’t autistic, but a person that goes for an autism diagnosis is never neurotypical, so I hope if it���s not autism (or if you have something in addition to autism, like me) the specialist figures out what it is so you can get the proper supports ! :)

Good luck !

- Sister Cat

And if you get an answer you weren’t expecting, whether that’s no diagnosis or a different diagnosis, demand an explanation and demand help! Remember, a psych’s job doesn’t end at diagnosis, it starts there, so no matter what answers you get, make sure they’re doing their job and giving you the help you need.

-Brother Cat

[willreadforbooze]

Hello fellow boozie readers!

If you haven’t heard about #Booziebookathon, it’s our week long readathon we host every year! We had such a blast hanging/reading with you guys!

Sam’s Update:

I got a lot of reading done this week, it was Booziebookathon, Dewey’s Reverse Readathon, AND NEWTs.

What Sam finished this week:

  Booziebookathon Gin: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid: There was the Sam before Evelyn Hugo and the Sam after Evelyn Hugo. I will never be the same. I’m gonna drunk review it.

Booziebookathon White Wine and Smirnoff Ice: Demon in the Whitelands by Nikki Z. Richard: I did not enjoy this very much. I wanted to, it was such a unique concept but it was choppy and very little was answered.

Booziebookathon Beer and NEWTs Charms A-level Exam: Amal Unbound by Aisha Saeed: This was a really cute quick story and I really enjoyed it! It shows the ins and outs of indentured servitude on this planet. 3.5/5 shots.

NEWTs DADA A: Waking Gods by Sylvain Neuvel: These books are fab. It’s really hard to say what I did and didn’t like because the audiobook is just so good and so much happens that it’s hard to describe.

What Sam’s reading now:

  NEWTs Transfiguration A: Juliet Takes a Breath by Gabby Rivera: This is a book about a newly-out lesbian on an internship on the other side of the country. I’m still at the beginning but I’m loving the bits of Spanglish, and the crazy hippies, and the tone overall. I can’t wait to keep going.

The Candle and the Flame by Nafiza Azad: Buddy reading with Ginny and Liz and also for book club. I’m ready for more, but I don’t want to say any more thoughts because we still have to discuss as a group. I might figure out how to work this into my NEWTs but it’s not currently there…

Ginny’s Update (Aka Reads-with-the-wind):

Hi Everyone, good to have wrapped up the BoozieBookathon! Happy August, we’re only a few weeks away from going back to tolerable weather. I’m already looking at my closet looking forward to jackets and jeans and basically not being a walking sweat-being as soon as I walk outside.

Currently Reading

The Candle and the Flame by Nafiza Azad: This is still for a book club, I’m still reading it slowly. There was a pretty big twist and I’m enjoying seeing it ripple out. 

The Ten thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow: I grabbed this book from bookcon and I am so looking forwarding to reading this.

Finished (aka ALL THE MF BOOKS)

Leap Days: Chronicles of a Midlife Move by Katherin Lanpher: this was one of my books for Boozie Bookathon and it fulfills my Gin challenge (book on tbr forever). Also technically fulfilled white wine. This book is an autobiography that focuses on change and really how to move between what you expected things to be and what things actually are. I really enjoyed some of the chapters, but I also don’t necessarily feel ridiculously drawn to the city of New York and found some of the descriptions a little tedious. 3/5

The Mortal Word by Genevieve Cogman: IT’S THAT TIME! I’m reading the fifth book in this series that I adore. Irene is being called in to act as mediator in a conversation between the Dragons and Fae. This book was delightful. I also enjoy a mystery where all of the players are on the table early. (If you’d like to start at the beginning, my first review is here.) Most definitely writing a review.

Burn for Me by Ilona Andrews: Some people have crazy wild powers and one of those people is going crazy. Neva is tasked with bringing him in ssafely. Except dude is kind of a psycopath. Neva ends up working with pretty much the strongest other person, Mad Rogan (I know, that name…) who is trying to snag one of Adam’s (I think it was Adam) co-conspirators. I’m unsure of how I feel about this book. The plot was wild and a lot of fun, but some of the romance felt weird due the question of where consent should come into play…. I’m going to keep reading because I like the universe but will keep an eye out for consent issues.

All the Bad Apples by Moira Fowley-Doyle: This is a bookcon book (that I finally got around to) and I’m planning on writing a review, so brief summary. On Deena’s 17th birthday, her sister goes missing. She follows some loose threads to learn a lot more about her family history and the “family curse.”

Slave to Sensation by Nalini Singh: I’ve read a few of the books that come much further in this series but I really liked them and decided to come back to the beginning. Sascha is a Psy who has been taught emotion is weakness but is struggling to uphold the “Silence.” Lukas is the head of his clan and is trying to find a serial killer. Also they fall in love. Sascha is a lot of fun and it would have been completed different to read this book first when I didn’t already know about some various things. Still, a romp of a read! 4/5

A Hope Divided by Alyssa Cole: Alyssa Cole is an always read for me now. I might prefer her contemporary things, but dear god is this series great. Marlie is the illegitimate daughter in a white family, which has given her a protected status but still a status of “other.” Ewan was responsible for torturing the Rebs captured by the North and then was captured himself. He escapes from prison and hides in Marlie’s house with her help. Due to circumstances she ends up as trapped as she is. This book was lovely. Ewan had a slight level of autism (I assume, it’s never directly diagnosed) but is one of those people who one sees his deficiencies rather than the things that made him wonderful. Marlie is just a brilliant character and the way they worked together was great! I enjoyed watching them learn their own self-worth. 4/5

Minda’s Update:

Booziebookathon is complete! Now full focus is on NEWTs Readathon for the rest of the month.

What Minda finished this week: 

  The Liar’s Daughter by Megan Cooley Peterson (Beer) – This book was kind of a trip—girl taken from her cult family resents having to readjust to life in society. Definitely recommend!

The Man in the High Castle by Philip K. Dick (Whiskey & Champagne) – Slog is the best word used to describe how I felt about this one.

All Systems Red by Martha Wells (Shot & White Wine) – Loved this one! Super short and just what I needed after the above. Counts for the first part of the Ancient Ruins exam for NEWTs Readathon!

The Incendiaries by R.O. Kwon (Vodka, Gin, and Red Wine) – I did like this one and it was on the shorter side, but not as much as I feel I could have from the premise. I thought it was a weird decision to have only one person tell the perspective of three. Also counts for Ancient Ruins exam.

What Minda is reading now:

  Kindred by Octavia E. Butler – My final read for the Ancient Ruins exam, this has been on my TBR for a bit. Excited to see how it goes! 

The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow – Counts for the first part of this History of Magic exam! I got really excited about this when everyone picked it up at BookCon.

Linz’s Update:

Booziebookathon is OVER and I can finally get back to The Starless Sea *takes nap*

What Linz read (jmj what didn’t I read):

  Patron Saints of Nothing by Randy Ribay: Published this summer, this book is about a Filipino-American teen who goes to the Philippines to find out the real story behind his cousin’s murder. This book could not have spoken to me more and it was EVERYTHING.

Our Dark Duet by V.E. Schwab: I’m glad I finally read this sequel to This Savage Song but it wasn not nearly as solid a book

Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi: I sat on this book foreeeever; it’s about an alien race approaching a Hollywood agent to help them be introduced to the human race. It wasn’t what I thought it would be, and it was super tell-y and monologue-y

Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas: EXCELLENT romance novel, could have used like 1-2 more sex scenes

All Systems Red by Martha Wells: A bombass novella about a science team’s mission gone wrong and the android sent to protect them, told from the android’s perspective.

SLAY by Brittney Morris: Thanks Jesus I managed to get a copy of this book at BookCon because I do NOT know what I would have done if I had to wait til its release. In case you’ve been living under a rock, this is about a black teen girl, Kiera, who created an underground computer game for the black community. One of the players is killed in real life over a dispute in the game, and a lot of shit happens. It’s an incredible book and I’m absolutely reviewing it.

What Linz is currently reading:

  The Revisioners by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton: a forthcoming novel about women’s relationships and racial identity, told by a mixed-race mother in the modern day and her ancestory, a former slave. It’s the only challenge I didn’t finish for Booziebookathon, but it’s not a book that you should rush through.

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern: THANK GOD I CAN FINALLY GET BACK TO THIS, I don’t know what I was thinking starting it 2 days before Booziebookathon.

Until next time, we remain forever drunkenly yours,

Sam, Melinda, Linz, and Ginny

Weekly/Booziebookathon Wrap-Up: July 29 – August 3, 2019 Hello fellow boozie readers! If you haven't heard about #Booziebookathon, it's our week long readathon we host every year!

[perfectlittlesatellites]

October 3, 2018

I’ve had a really long day of running around. Grading during free periods, ending my day with 3 classes in a row and office hours, driving down to the hospital for a staff meeting and then back to school for the Freshman Parent Guidance Meeting, which I was asked to attended and have been hounded about for a month and have always received grief for not attending the evening session, only for Mark to ask me when I arrived, “What are you doing here?” because I was the only advisor to show up. The rage-filled live-texting  I did was an excellent sample of the pettiness of school idiocy and politics, (and the violence of my creative streak).

I get home and S looks very grave and says he has to tell me something, and he didn’t want to tell me earlier because he knew the type of day I was having. He starts talking about my grandmother, who beat breast cancer-but we found out a year or so ago (when she fell and broke her hip) that her numbers were up, and it turned out the cancer was back and had metastasized in her bones. It’s terminal. We know that. She has been slowly but steadily declining in the two years since she broke her hip, but she’s also 86. She recently began experiencing difficulties urinating, got catheterized 2 weeks ago, and her urologist told my mom and my grandparents earlier this week at their appointment that the bladder itself is fine, but the issue could be tumors in her spine compressing her bladder, so they now have another appointment scheduled with her oncologist to get a prognosis. 

All of which I knew-except, obviously, that last part, about spinal tumors and worse cancer news. Because despite telling me she’d keep me posted, when we talked this week my mother said everything’s “fine, nothing new.”

That information slipped out to S in a conversation with my brother yesterday morning, when when S let him know that our mom had specifically not mentioned that news, G turned white, looked sheepish, indicating to my husband that there was a reason I hadn’t been told, and that he had fucked up by sharing that information.

Needless to say, I’m fucking furious. 

This has been my relationship with my parents and G more and more since moving out, reaching a really noticeable point about 4 years ago. My mom had called my at work one night and told me the cancer was back and that it getting into her bones was terminal. My voice shook a little when I asked about prognosis and next steps, and my mom said to me, “There’s no use crying about it. She’s in her 80′s. She’s had a good run. However long we have her, we have her.”

Like she’s a horse we’re sending out to pasture or something, and like I was unstable to react otherwise. This is where the alienation began to shift, and slowly turned into secret-keeping.

Like the dozen or so times over the last 2 years that my parents and G would have dinner out with my grandparents (and sometimes my aunt, if she was down from MA) and were eating 10 minutes away from our house and never thought to ask if S and I would like to be included, only to talk casually about it the next time we talked. Or my cousin’s autism diagnosis, which I had called 2 years beforehand anyway as a possible explanation for his over-stimulation and social lag. Or my older cousin’s anxiety diagnosis that eventually came out of all the GI tests he had done. At their anniversary dinner 2 weeks ago, my mom super conspicuously ducked out to our living room to take a phone call. After a few minutes I got a sinking feeling it was about my grandmother, since they had cancelled with us last minute because of her ER visit, and she looked like she got caught in a drug deal when I entered the room, only to tell me that she was getting an update from her cousin on my great aunt, who had been in the hospital and was being discharged to a rehab. And even then, that day it had taken all sorts of awkwardness and borderline aggression to get the information about my grandmother. My grandfather left me a message simply stating he was canceling and wouldn’t answer the phone when I called back to communicate my regret about it. So I called home and no one answered. When I texted G and asked what was going on, he hemmed and hawed and pretended not to know anything (because he was buying time to text/call my mom), who then called me from the beach and still resisted telling me what was happening until I pushed. So this whole keeping me out of the loop about family business has been building and building, and now it’s got me pissed off. Because it’s like since I don’t live under the same roof anymore, that dynamic I had always pushed back against-like my mom, dad, and G are family and I’m not-has just escalated, and now I’m not privy to any information whatsoever.

It’s like I’m no longer family-or at least truly family-because I was married and out of the house by 26, and did what I was supposed to by leaving the nest. And while before when we were kids G woudn’t stick up for me, but cling nervously to his position as the favorite, he is willingly watching me be cut out of this family-like, surgically, participating in the secrecy towards me and not really questioning it more than a superficial shrug.

So my dad bullies me with or without an audience, my mom and brother allow it, and my mom and brother block me from knowing what’s going on in the family, like I don’t have a right to be a part of it.

What. The. Fuck.

All because I got a little choked up when my mom dropped the bomb on me at work that my grandmother’s cancer was back when she had been cancer-free for so long?

Or is it because I cry at all?

Because here’s the thing: I know my grandma will likely not be with us much longer, especially if this tumor hypothesis ends up being true. If she has to be permanently catheterized, she will become demoralized, depressed, and give up, and she will deteriorate even faster. I know her well enough to know that. I don’t need a medical degree to get that.

And when she eventually passes away, I will cry. I will mourn the loss of my only grandmother that I really knew. I will miss her. I will grieve the impossibility of her getting to meet the next Eileen, her great granddaughter, and it will suck that she, my mom, my baby and I will not ever get to all be together. That sucks. I will shed a tear for the fact that when she and Grandpa went to Florida, and when mom and dad made up their minds about me, this altered the course of my relationship with her for a long time, and what it could have been, which I’ve only recently been able to enjoy. That we weren’t closer, especially as I became a woman and an adult. Sure I will.

Because I’m a fucking human being.

But I’m not going to lose my shit. I won’t be fucked up about it. Because I realized a while back that my parents had their own version of me that they presented to other adults in my life. And that while my grandma sipped the Kool-Aid for a little bit, and has spent most of the last decade living a mile or two away from my parents and G, she has been at times vocal about her preference for G-not directly, mind, but the message was there. But she also never did it at my expense. She clearly preferred him because he was the one my parents deployed to help them with tech in their house, and he was the one at all those dinners my mom was telling them I was busy for but I was actually ignorant of, and all offers I made to chip in were brushed off by my mom. But when she and I were alone, when we had our time together, she let me know what’s what.

I remember back in 2009 she was the one who requested my mom invite me to join her Mother’s Day trip to New York for an evening dinner and show since I lived there. She insisted on coming to see my apartment-she beamed at how, “metropolitan” I was, and as she was getting ready to get in the cab at the end of the night, she hugged me tight, and she kissed her bold red lipstick all over my face, and she told me,

“I am so proud of the brave woman you are. Keep going. I want you to stay here and see this through as far as you can take it. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not smart or you can’t do it, because you are! I love you for it, so much, my girlfriend.”

I obviously minimized and self-deprecated, just like I’ve always been taught. She whacked me in the leg with her cane and said, “Stop it. I love you, girlfriend. You keep all of this up-don’t you disappoint me by stopping too soon. I love you too much for you to ever settle. You got this.”

“I love you, too.”

“I know you do. You show me all the time by how proud you make me, every day.”

I cried so hard after that cab pulled away because that was the first time in at least a decade that anyone in my family had told me they were proud of me, especially without a qualifier (especially one that involved G), and it was the first time an adult in my family had said, “I love you,” in almost as long.

Since then she has often reminded S to, “worship” me because I am a catch, because I am her girl.

She gushed throughout the entire wedding process.

Every time I see her, she is happy to see me and she tells me how glad she is I continue to invite her for holidays (as if I wouldn’t?) and I get her her favorite snacks, and get her, “cool” gifts that help her feel hip and chic.

We had a long conversation when I saw her the 2nd or 3rd time after she fell, when she was in my mom’s nursing home for rehab. She was depressed and self-pitying and angry with mom for making her go to PT. I talked to her about the validity of her feelings and fears, but encouraged her to start the antidepressants that were being recommended by the staff psychiatrist-that there’s no shame in needing a little help-that her body and mind are connected, and it’s not as simply as willing the pain away. I encouraged her to talk to the social worker, to have someone on her side whose only agenda was to provide her with safety and validation and encouragement. And if she wouldn’t, to call me and yell and wail and bitch and that I could hold that for her. She got tearful and asked, “When did you become so smart, and so wise?”

I told her simply that it had been a while, but that mom and dad didn’t quite see it that way, and that it could stay our secret. And she took me up on it a few times, and she was always grateful for the ear.

So maybe she only sipped that Kool-Aid, and as much as she sings G’s praises and S’s in front of others, it will only ever earn an eye roll from me. 

I won’t have unfinished business with her when she passes, whenever that is. Will I wish she had been more public in her acknowledgement of me? Sure. But that’s about me, not about her. She is a black and white thinking, and can only have one favorite. It doesn’t mean she devalues me. I will wish we were closer. But she knows I love her. She loves me the way she knows how: by outwardly favoring the boy, and sharing her quiet, more vulnerable moments with me.

I will not have any regrets. Because she saw me, and I let go of the need for her proclaimed approval once I knew it existed at all.

You know who will be really fucked up?

G, when he loses his most vocal source of praise and one of the few people who, “needs” him.

My uncle, the favorite child who has been largely uninvolved with her care despite being 15 minutes away, and missing many opportunities for time with her.

My aunt, who is depressive and perfectionistic, and who will struggle with guilt and anger towards her husband for uprooting her and the kids to MA, and couldn’t be more involved despite desperately wanting to be.

The most fucked up of all will be my mom. The oldest child who was never the outward source of pride, who broke her own heart to get the approval she wanted and is bearing the brunt of her care now. Who rarely gets a thank you but gets bitched at simply because she’s there, because she’s safe and reliable to receive her anger. I know she’s internalizing this. She is already batshit crazy about all of the praise she’s not getting, the reciprocity that’s not obtainable so long as my grandma is as bitter and angry and lost as she is right now.

The woman scolding me for having a human reaction to a cancer relapse is going to need the most whenever Grandma’s time comes. She is going to be bereft and lost. 

And who does she think is going to provide her emotional support and hear all of this? 

My, “feminine logic,” emotionally retarded bully of a father?

My emotionally stunted, overgrown adolescent brother who still sleeps in the same twin bed and lets his dad make his bagged lunch?

Or her daughter, who can speak about and hold emotions and provide empathy and gentleness, not just because she’s a compassionate person, but because she’s a trained fucking counselor, and not a cyborg?

THIS. THIS is what makes me so insane about all of this shit with my family.

I’m never smart enough until there’s a question G can’t answer because it’s my area of expertise. I’m never wanted around until I heed that response and back away. No gift good enough. What have you.

And I’m unstable and emotional when I communicate that they hurt me, and ask for what I need, or am overwhelmed or stressed about how my family treats me. It makes me angry and unworthy.

But when you need a free therapist? That’s when you want me to provide all of the things you denied me for all of these years, even as you’re still excluding me and hurting and keeping secrets from me?

When do I get to become a fully operational person to them?

Maybe I need to cut away from my family for a while. Or maybe altogether. 

I feel like they just make me so angry all the time, and I hate the person I am in those moments.

I feel like with all of this, I’m being poisoned. I hate it.