#MUST FEED YOUR POIROT :)

[poirott]

"The case, it is solved, and your message, Hastings, it was most useful." "Oh, good." "There is just one thing." "What's that?" "With all this affair, I've not been able to eat." "Oh, I say, that's a bit rough. Not gonna be easy finding somewhere this time of night.” "That is true." "I do know one place, though."

[cordeliaes]

STATS

name: cordelia antoinette poirot age: twenty-two when she came to faerie ; physically around twenty-four now race: human role in court: protected by the summer court

BIOGRAPHY

( parental death tw )

" ma fille, tu es marquante. ”

you don’t remember your mother, not much anymore, it’s been too long in faerie, but one thing you do know is she always told you that you were special. it’s a clear thought in a swirl of foggy memory. of all the people you knew as a human, of all the people who said it, she was the only one you believed. she saw beyond the rose-hued tint of your cheeks and past the golden curls that framed your face. she saw you for you, not as the pretty little thing everyone else saw.

you grew up in france in a tiny appartement just off of the seine. you never knew your father, but you never knew you were missing something. it was just the two of you against the world. perfect as perfect could be. she loved you and you loved her. that was enough. she taught you everything she knew: piano and drawing and baking. you never had much ambition beyond being just like your mother. the world never granted her much notice, but you made up for it in spades.

you were sent to a boarding school, your mother had high hopes for you. she wanted you to have the life that she didn’t, never to worry about money or other’s thoughts of you or — or anything. you never saw it in your youth, but she stressed over money, she worried about the bills and how she’d feed you next. she did all she could. perhaps her resolve and responsibility were what you should have tried to imbue in yourself. instead, you threw yourself into the arts. you had talent, surely, but you grew up and into your looks, and still no one would see what you could create.

your life changed for the worse when she died.

what were you meant to do now ? she had been your guide. she had answered all of your questions, gave feedback to all of your ideas. she was your best friend. and now she was gone.

you tried to make a living off of your art. you had become a florist, taking an apprenticeship and then becoming a partner, making beautiful compositions florales and trying to sell them. no one came to the shop to see them, though. they came to see you despite your chagrin.

your answer in the form of a person. they spoke of an amazing land, beautiful, astonishing, one where you want for nothing. perhaps you should have thought it through. instead, you took their offer, jumping headfirst into the land of the fae.

at first, it was wonderful. they saw your beauty, but there you were just a dime a dozen when it came to pretty faces. you loved the exoticness, the charm of it all. it was nothing like you had ever experienced before. for years, at least, you think it was years, time blurred. you were still entranced by its charm. you drank fae wine and ate the fruit, dancing at revels, living in fae as a novelty.

and then the insurgent broke through to you. they asked about your life in fae, they asked about your past. suddenly, after years, you found yourself thinking about your mother. all of a sudden, your heart beat a painful thud and your eyes were open to you that all had been lost. you had brought nothing to fae except yourself, all of your memories and photos were lost to an apartment in paris that must have been long since repossessed by now.

you should have been thirty-two. maybe you would have had a husband or wife, maybe even a child. you could have had a job and a home of your own. there was no way you could return to the human world now, you’ve been stuck in faerie too long. what were you meant to do ? 

the insurgent fueled your anger, feeding it with ideas of the destruction of fae. you never imagined it, but they told you secrets, they told you ways to kill the fae. they took it upon themselves to train you.

you had new resolve after years of being idle. 

fae would find its end at your hand. 

you were sure of it.

[themyskira]

Wonder Woman #36

PREVIOUSLY: Wonder Woman has a secret brother who secretly hates her and is secretly working with Darkseid’s daughter for secret reasons. We learned this over the space of about three pages, but James Robinson insisted on throwing in another 97 for padding.

I’m not kidding; it’s been five issues and nothing has fucking happened yet. The plot, such as it is, only really showed up on the final pages of issue #34, and then instead of progressing the story in #35 Robinson just took a thesaurus to the exposition he’d previously written and submitted it as a new script.

This issue, Jason whines, Diana zings, Darkseid is inexplicably a beefcake, and a man comes riding in to save the day.

Somewhere in the Amazon jungle, Jason has evidently fully embraced his new villain persona, having imprisoned Diana in sexually suggestive restraints so that she is forced to listen to his overblown monologue.

baaaawww, I was stuck trawling for fish on an idyllic Greek island while you were out in the world being wonderful. Well, you know what, it’s my turn to be wonderful now! MINE! You heart me, Diana?! I’M THE WONDERFUL ONE.

I feel like all that’s missing is a truly outrageous costume. Maybe he could take some tips from Grail and Kid Darkseid?

Diana doesn’t react, which makes Jason sulk. He worked so hard on first big villainous speech and she’s just staring ahead like she’s bored or something! Diana takes this as an invitation to sort through her feelings out loud. She even lists them, for simplicity! Then she points out that she wasn’t responsible for his being hidden away (valid) and calls him a coward (wait what).

Note that Diana has not even taken a second to consider that Jason may have been deceived or manipulated into turning against her (which is still my bet); she’s simply leapt to the assumption that Jason is a cowardly traitor, worthy of contempt and hatred.

Also, hard to see how name-calling is going to achieve anything here.

We learn that they’re in an ancient beachhead from New Genesis. Diana belatedly tries to reason with Jason, pointing out that he’s working with the woman who has been murdering Zeus’s children — including Jason’s mentor, Hercules.

Jason’s response is bewildering.

Does it matter to me, Diana? The deaths? I don’t know… I’m still trying to process it all, honestly. That’s what I’m acting so… distracted, maybe. Grail told me she’d drain our sibling’s [sic] energy — bleed them, in a sense — but not to the point they’d die.

You haven’t been acting distracted. You’ve practically been twirling an invisible moustache ever since Grail appeared and punctured your ruse.

Also: The murderous daughter of noted intergalactic tyrant Darkseid came to you, explained that she was going to siphon off your siblings’ life-force to feed to her dad — but not much, she promised, just a liiiiiiittle bit from each of them to get dear old Daddy Darkseid back into world-conquering, Anti-Life-chasing shape; certainly not enough to permanently harm or kill them — and you believed her?!

Grail scowls that the deaths her accidental. Diana tells Jason he can’t possibly be that gullible.

‘nuuuuu, but you don’t understaaaaand!’ whines Jason. ‘I was alooooone all my liiiiiife! Abandoned on an islaaaand! Then Grail came and made me not alooooone!’

Diana points out, ‘Bitch, you had a boat. You could’ve come visit me any time.’ (She does not use these words, which is unfortunate.)

Grail interjects: ‘but no mother or father! so abandoned!’

‘He never shuts up about what a great dad Glaucus was!’ Diana says. Liberally paraphrasing again.

‘Yes but my mummy didn’t love meeeee :(:(:(,’ Jason whinges.

Diana rather feebly protests that Hippolyta is a loving woman who must have had her reasons for staying away. (Yes, and that reason is that Polly can’t leave Themyscira without facing permanent exile. There is no mystery here; it’s been firmly established. Diana could also point out that she grew up without a father and she turned out friggin awesome, so stop blaming your own shitty behaviour on parental abandonment, you little dickweed.)

Then she tells Jason he should believe her because she speaks with “[her] heart filled with love”, despite the fact that three pages ago she literally told him her heart was full of anger and disappointment and contempt and hatred. She was very explicit about this.

Grail’s like ‘HEY STOP TALKING REASON TO THE STOOGE’, and Diana’s like ‘righto, I’m done with this shit’. The restraints were never actually keeping her there, she just wanted to try to talk before resorting to force. This is actually a decent reveal and may be the most in-character thing Diana’s done all story.

Unfortunately, she ruins it the very next panel by busting free with this stinker of a sledge:

“YOU’RE BOTH GOING DOWN!”

Which is positively witty compared to the next devastating burn she has in store for Jason:

“I’ll make you sorry, y—” “I’m already sorry, Jason… THAT I EVER MET YOU!”

For maximum effect, please imagine these panels as being accompanied by a Shorten-style ZINGER graphic and sound effect. 

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Brigadier Colonel Midshipman Field Marshal Steve Trevor has stopped by Giganta’s cell along with Amanda Waller. In case you’ve forgotten her blink-and-you’ll-miss-it two-page appearance from about five issues ago, Giganta was captured by Diana while trying to steal a relic.

Turns out, wouldn’t you just know it, the relic was extraterrestrial in origin and Giganta was hired to steal it by Baby Darkseid.

Who, by the way, is now Beefcake Darkseid.

Diana fights back her surprise to try for an incredible third zing!

“When I saw you last, you were a mean little baby… I doubt the fact you’re a young man now has mellowed you. You certainly won’t be happy when I’ve beaten you.”

Back in Belle Reve — keen to shorten her sentence, Giganta throws Steve a bone in the form of a shopping list of the relics Darkseid still wants to get his hands on.

oh gawwwwd. oh this is too painful. Darkseid throws Diana into the ground all ‘BITCH YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, YOU ARE ALONE AND WEAK’ To which Diana, spitting blood, replies, ‘no but see my mother taught me about this revolutionary concept called HOPE. Jason, take some notes, this is important stuff.’

So of course, Darkseid starts absolutely annihilating Diana, pricking Jason’s conscience and prompting tender flashbacks to their creepily romantic first meeting.

And, of course, Jason stays Darkseid’s hand before the last of her life force can be drained away, because nuuuuuuuu my sisteeeerrr.

Then Hercule bloody Poirot appears on the scene and tells everyone to stop this silliness at once.

I can’t remember his real name — he’s the lawyer fellow who led Diana to Jason, and who’s heavily photo-referenced from David Suchet’s Poirot. And in true Poirot fashion, he monologues for a bit about how terribly clever her was in working out what’s going on. And while he’s tried to remain removed from worldly affairs, he simply can’t stand on the sidelines any more.

Because you see, Hercule Poirot, is really… Zeus.

Yes, really.

uuuuuugggghhhhhh

[coincidencetheories]

The Gatewatch Have Failed Each Task So Far

There’s been a lot of talk on my feed about how the Gatewatch are just waltzing through the challenges they face like a home-made banner at a pep rally. While they are all currently whole in body, and the perceived threat from each plane is no longer actively threatening, follow me down this line of thought.

The Gatewatch have failed at what they have set out to do, every time.

Their name is synonymous with failure.

Battle For Zendikar

Nissa and Gideon toil on Zendikar. Ulamog is loose and really bringing everyone’s grand Hedrons and Felidars game night down. Scion and Spawn scuttle around, and the very color is draining out of the mana. Gideon hits his main man Jace up for a solid to gather some help, which Jace initailly fails to do, asking LIliana and Chandra, who for diverse reasons have bigger personal demons they are wrestling with. So Jace, heads back to Gideon, and decides what he needs most is information. Nissa is looking for Ashaya, as Nissa did for several stories in a row. Turns out Nissa just had to believe. But Jace stumbles upon Ugin, doing vague and portentous spirit dragon things, as spirit dragons do, at his Eye. He tells Jace “These are beings beyond our understanding, here for a purpose we cannot fathom’ and then proceeds to give a very understandable metaphor about fishermen in streams. But he tells Jace that they can’t just blow up Ulamog. It will have untold ramifications now and in whatever distopian future we can bring ourselves to imagine.  (Side note... what were the ramifications of metaphorically driving a stake through the hand of the fisherman for 10,000 years? Riddle me that, Ugin dear.)

So Jace knows the stakes Ulamog is a fragile and precious part of an ecosystem beyond our ken. So he agrees that perhaps just pinning him to a butterfly display is the best course of action. Jace, Nissa, Kiora, Gideon and Ob Nixilis respectively fail, fail, lose their pet leviathan, drown in a puddle, and successfully disrupt this plan using the tried and true ‘Surprise Kozilek with a chair from the top rope’ method. Ob reignited, Walked on, walked back and captured three planeswalkers. And he would have gotten away with it to, if it wasn’t for that meddling pyromancer.

Oath of the Gatewatch

What Gate do the Gatewatch watch, exactly?

Sea-gate. The Gatewatch are watching the Sea Gate fall, to Ulamog, then to Ulamog again, then to Kozilek and Ulamog.

Now a lot of nifty stuff happens in OGW, not least of which is the insight we get through General Tazri of what a world where Kozilek out-watches the gate looks like. And in the end, Zendikar is saved from the predation of the two titans. But Jace and co had to physically drag multi-demensional beings into three dimentional space, then channelXfireball in a way that hadn’t been done since the days of the oldwalkers. Impressive, no?

Imagine you go to the doctor and you find out you have a blood disease that delicate surgery could halt the ravages of. Now imagine that, while you were under anesthesia, , your doctor slipped up and the cancer was about to kill you before the Dr. House stormed in and told the surgery team to flush your entire body with pure oxygen, then light it on fire, flash burning away all the bad stuff. Your life is, indeed saved. Phew. I was worried there for a minute.

But would you call that a successful surgery?

Shadows over Innsmouth Innistrad

We have ourselves a good old fashioned mystery here. With Ugin’s warning ringing in our ear to remember they came as three, all apparently we had to figure out was who that mysterious ‘They’ were, that Ugin referred to in the middle of a conversation about the Eldrazi Titans. The stage is set. Liliana has a veil, Tamiyo has a Journal, Thraben has an inspector, and Jace has too many cloaks. Also, too many clues. Avacyn is going crazy. Bruna and Gisela start doing their Shining Twins cosplay, despite Sigarda telling them repeatedly that it creeps her out, and The Gitrog Monster is a fan of 1990s Elton John . 

But who is this mysterious corrupting force, and seriously, what’s with all the spaghetti. Sorin’s mansion of foreboding has been renovated, but he’s nowhere to be found! Jace follows the hundred of arrow shaped rocks and finds Nephalia! Zombies! Mystery is solved, it must be Liliana! Liiiana says no. oh. The angels are turning on the humans, Avacyn must be stopped! Jace has GOT this one, guys.... nope. Jace is rescued by Tamiyo, and Sorin permanently grounds his daughter who in no way resembles his former protege. Well, Another successful investigation.Except it’s not. Jace, you don’t know what it is at all right now, in fact you don’t find out until...

Eldritch Moon

...until Emrakul emerges from the water, like a tribute to all those bond girls before you. “I know who it is now!” says Jace, thinking he’s Hercule Poirot, but is in fact barely keeping up with Captain Hastings. So here we are, Eldritch horror setting up residence in the middle of Thraben, and creating life like there’s no tomorrow, which might just well be the case. If only there was an inter-dimensional team of powerful mages, who had some dealings with.... oh my it’s the Gatewatch. We need the Gatewatch, don’t we. Well, they got together just in time, didn’t they. Innistrad, is today your lucky day. Jace 'walks to Zendikar, where presumably the Naya walkers are ‘overseeing’ the Zendikar rebuilding efforts from the comfort of a king-sized bed built for three. Come fastest, Jace cries, What’s with your outfit, they reply, Then off they go. (meanwhile Sorin and Nahiri two oldwalkers that are battling with current generation powers, must feel like two former boxing champions having a punch-on in their retirement home. But that’s not really germane to the success or failure of the Gatewatch.) Smash cut to the Battle of Thraben. Olivia and the vampires are here. Sigarda, Thalia, St Traft, form an unlikely alliance, killing Brisela. Also Arlinn Cord and the wolves. Surely they are around here somewhere during this battle? Maybe they just were on the other side of town. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Liliana is drunk on Chain Veil power and summons zombies by the hordeful and marches on the town. The Gatewatch are in the thick of it, somehow managing not to get sural’d to pieces every time Gideon has a backswing. Emrakul’s massive form crowns the town. The vampires, humans, geists, even Rem Karolus’s are driven back. Only Jace and the Gatewatch can help us now. They try their most successful Eldrazi Titan-defeating play in the playbook, aaand... it fails. It fails so badly that Tamiyo is about to read her plane-destroying story spell. But Emrakul and Jace had a mutual Zach-Morris ‘Time-out’ and Jace saved the sanity of the gatewatchers and Tamiyo (by delving into their deepest, darkest story hooks, apparently) and Emmy simply re-wrote Tamiyo’s story, taking a vacation into the moon for the now.

Was that a win? What aims were achieved? Again the ‘plane was saved’, but despite all the effort that Jace and co. put in, the final call was Emrakuls. And i doubt she locked herself in without taking the key with her.

So, Zendikar is safe. But the ecosystem of the Multiverse may be irreparably altered; innistrad has gone from passively being influenced by Emrakul to ACTIVELY being influenced by Emrakul to being passively influenced by Emrakul again. Great job guys and gals. Which leaves us with...

Kaladesh

You know, I wonder exactly how many mage traps Captain Baral has around the city, Whether they are one-countermagic-fits-all, or if he has to lead the fire mages to different ornately engineered snares than the telepaths. Also, Can you planeswalk to the plane that you’re on? If you can, neither Nissa or Chandra know of it. And I have to say, I guess that in the Kaladesh block, ultimately the Gatewatch succeeded. Succeeded in picking the queen in Three Card Monte while street hustler Tezzeret picked their metaphorical pocket. Yes, they saved Pia. But Tezzeret simply used the conflict between the Consulate of benign-if-overly-paternalistic-bureaucrats and the revolution-if-that’s-alright-with-the-rest-of-you guys renegades to snatch up the inventions and Stockholm Syndrome the inventors.

Aether Revolt

So while Chandra is focused on the personal issues, and their ramifications vis-a-vis the cancer within the consulate, Jace and Liliana, with backing vocals from Gideon and Ajani, identify Tezzeret’s plans with, well with anything Tezzeret plans is going to be bad news. Especially when they find out about the planar portal. So they defeat him! I mean, do they? He puts something suspiciously like the functioning part of the portal into his own arm and then planeswalks away as the roof caves in. The Bridge on Kaladesh is no longer functional. But we find out that Tezzeret is doing something (planar portal or othewise) for Bolas. And the Scooby Gang have no idea what that, in fact is, or if he completed it, or anything.

Going Forward

So each time, the Gatewatch have gotten something accomplished that subjectively gets them a tick in the win column, but with more scrutiny are questionable at best. Going to Amonkhet with no plan, no intel, and no backup just because ‘well, bolas would use that time better’ seems like a great way to stumble into, once again, a technical victory that has lasting consequences that are at best uncertain, and at worst offer comfort to the enemy.But I suppose, given their track record, going in with no plan merely skips the Gatewatch past the part where they come up with a plan and then completely fail to execute on it.

[anneedmonds]

Sex On Tape: Call To Police!

Yesterday I did a bit of sifting through my junk mail folder. I rarely remember to do this but apparently – now and then – you should. I say this because last year I missed four incredibly important emails and each time it created quite an awkward work situation; in two of the cases the person involved thought I was ignoring them and in the others I completely missed out on some rather nice opportunities.

So now, every week or so, I skim through my junk email folder and check that there’s nothing interesting and/or urgent from legitimate senders who have somehow been blacklisted by my Mac Mail. It’s usually just a few dozen of messages from shoe companies, phone card top-up providers and cosmetics manufacturers in China who seem to think I’m a makeup brush retailer. Sometimes they are from scammers saying I’ve won money or I need to send money or I need to do something else that always – quite frankly – seems like a bit too much effort. Nevertheless, if I’m stuck for things to do (ie: I have loads of stuff to do but don’t want to do it) then I quite like to spend a few joyous minutes searching for threatening emails and then reading them out with comedy voices. These emails are never actually addressed to me – in the last week I’ve had emails sent to Tonya Recommends, Emily Farr and – amazingly –  Peaches McTaff – but still. They’re in my box which means I own them. (On a sidenote, I’d love, more than anything, to meet someone called Peaches McTaff.)

Anyway, I got sent the below and it really tickled me. Especially the “I’ll call to police!” part. It made me go right back to the start of the email and re-read it all in the voice of Aleksandr Orlov from Compare the Meerkats.

I have to say that scamming emails, though obviously pretty dark in intent and potentially destructive in the wrong hands, are often very amusing. The malapropisms, the typos, the hilarious phrases that have simply become lost in translation; I worry about cyber crime a lot, but there’s nothing like a ridiculous email to lighten the mood.

This one, as you’ll find out, relies on the recipient being something of a racy internet user – watching saucy vids and, I assume, doing various things to themselves whilst they watch them. I can genuinely say that I have never watched sexy films on the internet, mainly because I’d rather spend hours on Rightmove looking at houses I can’t buy (floorplans are my porn, baby!); but if I did, then I’m not sure I’d do stuff to myself in front of the computer. What if I was accidentally connected to my mother via Skype? What if, somehow, I was uploading myself onto Facebook Live?

If there’s one thing you can take away from this post, it’s this: don’t do any naughty business in front of your computer without taping over your spyhole first. (“Taping over your spyhole” might sound like a euphemism: it’s not. I mean the camera hole in the top of the computer and if you didn’t know that was there, I suggest you spend an evening acquainting yourself with your machine. Again, not a euphemism.)

So here’s Aleksandr and his scam – I’ve made some notes in brackets as we go along.

“I’ll begin with the most important. [Please do.]

I hackled your device and then got access to all your accounts… It is easy to check – I wrote you this email from your account. [He/she didn’t.] Also I have an old password for the hacking day: xxxxxx. 

[OK let’s pause already: what is the hacking day? Is this another one of those “national days of” celebrations, like #nationaldoughnutday or #worldunicornday? Should we be celebrating hackers?]

Moreover, I know your intim secret, and I have proof of this. You do not know me personally, and no one paid me to check you. [To be honest I’m quite disappointed that nobody paid to have me checked. Am I worth so little? I feel like a television baddy when they find out that the price on their head is only $2000.]

It is just a coincidence that I discovered your mistake. In fact, I posted a malicious code (exploit) to an adult site, and you visited this site… [Nope, not me. Now Aleksandr, had you written to me and said “I posted a malicious code to a Velux blinds discount site, and you visited this site…” I would have been properly worried.]

While watching a video Trojan virus has been installed on your device through an exploit. This darknet software working as RDP (remote-controlled desktop), which has a keylogger, which gave me access to your microphone and webcam. Soon after, my software received all your contacts from your messenger, social network and email. [I have no idea what most of this means but the Trojan, Darknet and Keylogger now residing in my device make me feel slightly uneasy. They sound tough and mean, like they might all carry those hammers with spikes sticking out of them. Is my laptop screen the portal to another – Lord of the Rings style – universe?

“Darknet? Darknet, you imbecile! Come closer and bring me the Orb of Clustertron.”

“Y-y-yes, Trojan sire. Here it is, the Orb, oh mighty one.”

“Darknet! Where is the Orbal Octicular Augmentor?”

“The…the what sire?”

“The Orbal Octicular Augmentor, fool! You know, the looking glass that makes viewing the Orb possible!”

“The…magnifying glass you mean? Keylogger has it, sire…”]

At that moment I spent much more time than I should have. [To be fair, Alek, I spend much more time than I should have doing a lot of things. Don’t beat yourself up about it.] I studied your love life and created a good video series. [Oh thank the lord – can I buy it off you please? Creating original Youtube content that people actually watch is killing me off. If you have video and I’m the star, I’ll pay good money.] The first part shows the video that you watched, [Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper singing Shallow, live. I know it must be that because I watch it multiple times a day.] and the second part shows the video clip taken from your webcam (you are doing inappropriate things). [This is probably true, to be fair.]

Honestly, I want to forget all the information about you and allow you to continue your daily life. And I will give you two suitable options. Both are easy to do. First option: you ignore this email.  The second option: you pay me $700(USD).

[Third option: you turn it into a blog post and make everyone read out my email in the voice of one of the meerkats from the Compare the Market.]

Let’s look at 2 options in detail. [OK.]

The first option is to ignore this email. Let me tell you what happens if you choose this path. I will send your video to your contacts, including family members, colleagues, etc. This does not protect you from the humiliation that you and your family need to know when friends and family members know about your unpleasant details. [Most confusing sentence structure I’ve ever seen – I can’t even unpick the meaning from this mess.]

The second option is to pay me. We will call this “privacy advice.” [Or extortion, but carry on.] Now let me tell you what happens if you choose this path. [Does it take me through Fall Forest, over Winter Mountain and out to Summer Lake like in Dora the Explorer?] Your secret is your secret. I immediately destroy the video. [Uh huh.] You continue your life as if none of this has happened.

Now you might think: “I’ll call to police!” [No, I don’t think anyone will actually think this because it’s not a sentence that exists. The grammar is completely incorrect. Still, this is my favourite line in the whole of your email. I like to imagine lots of people reading the same scam and then looking up from their screens and saying – “I know! I’ll call to police!”

“Pauline? Pauline! Come up here. I’ve got something shameful to tell you.”

“What is it Bob? Tell me you haven’t been vacuuming your penis up the hoover hose again?”

“Worse, Pauline. Much worse. And someone has filmed it, that’s the bad thing.”

“Oh Bob, when will you learn, love?”

“He’s threatening to take it public if I don’t pay seven hundred dollars.”

“What are you going to do, Bob?”

“I don’t know Pauline, I just don’t. If work see me using the office-issue hole punch to gently pincer my testicles whilst wearing a scuba diving mask I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“I wondered where the hole punch had gone Bob! I needed to file the electricity bill and I had to just rest it in the ring-binder, untethered!”

“Sorry Pauline, I really am. I just don’t know what to do. Any ideas?”

“Hmm. I know!”

“What?”

“I’ll call to police!”]

Undoubtedly, I have taken steps to ensure that this letter cannot be traced to me, and it will not remain aloof from the evidence of the destruction of your daily life. I don’t want to steal all your savings. [This sentence is proof that Google Translate is never your friend] I just want to get compensation for my efforts that I put in to investigate you. [Flipping Poirot, here!] Let us hope that you decide to create all this in full and pay me a fee for confidentiality. You make a Bitcoin payment (if you don’t know how to do it, just enter “how to buy bitcoins” in Google search)

Shipping amount: $700(USD). Getting Bitcoin Addresses: xx (This is sensitive, so copy and paste it carefully) [Oops. I replaced it with an XX. This is like when you opt to use the Safari strong password and then the computer forgets it and it was something like Sf%!!hjkh6789cdDcDD34?4 and you are locked out of Gmail forever.]

This is a one-time offer that is non-negotiable, so do not waste my and your time. Time is running out.

Bye!”

I think that the sign-off might be my second most favourite part. So cheery! So familiar! I sort of wish that he/she had signed off with a name, no matter how fake.

Bye!

Leslie xx.

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[alittlebook-ish]

Summer Book Haul 🌞📚

There is something about the summer that just makes you want to buy books; whether it be the constant sunshine, the vacations, or the fact that you have a lot of free time at your job and you just happen to spend it shopping for books on Amazon. Regardless of your reasons or mine, my TBR pile has grown into a mountain of books because of my endless summer shopping spree.

I’ve really outdone myself this season. I’ve been trying to pull myself out of my book slump by buying books, and let me tell you, it worked. The only problem is I’m now drowning in new books I need to read … exactly thirty new books. That’s right, count ‘em, thirty books I need to read. It’s taken me pretty much all summer to write this post up, mostly because I keep buying books, but also because I’ve come down with an extreme bout of procrastination. But that all changes today!

I wasn’t sure exactly how I wanted to go about writing this post, but Renee suggested having the book summary and my rating of them based on my anticipation (five being the most anticipated reads), or the rating I gave them if I finished reading the novel already. I wrote this post up in Microsoft Word, and the page count has officially hit 10 pages, so everything is going to be under the cut for your convenience.

Let’s get on with it! 

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

The circus arrives without warning. No announcements precede it. It is simply there, when yesterday it was not. Within the black-and-white striped canvas tents is an utterly unique experience full of breathtaking amazements. It is called Le Cirque des Rêves, and it is only open at night.  But behind the scenes, a fierce competition is underway - a duel between two young magicians, Celia and Marco, who have been trained since childhood expressly for this purpose by their mercurial instructors. Unbeknownst to them, this is a game in which only one can be left standing, and the circus is but the stage for a remarkable battle of imagination and will. Despite themselves, however, Celia and Marco tumble headfirst into love - a deep, magical love that makes the lights flicker and the room grow warm whenever they so much as brush hands.  True love or not, the game must play out, and the fates of everyone involved, from the cast of extraordinary circus per­formers to the patrons, hang in the balance, suspended as precariously as the daring acrobats overhead. 

Actual Rate: ★★★☆☆

Three Dark Crowns by Kendare Blake

When kingdom come, there will be one. In every generation on the island of Fennbirn, a set of triplets is born—three queens, all equal heirs to the crown and each possessor of a coveted magic. Mirabella is a fierce elemental, able to spark hungry flames or vicious storms at the snap of her fingers. Katharine is a poisoner, one who can ingest the deadliest poisons without so much as a stomachache. Arsinoe, a naturalist, is said to have the ability to bloom the reddest rose and control the fiercest of lions. But becoming the Queen Crowned isn’t solely a matter of royal birth. Each sister has to fight for it. And it’s not just a game of win or lose…it’s life or death. The night the sisters turn sixteen, the battle begins. The last queen standing gets the crown.

Actual Rate: ★★★☆☆

The Witch Who Came in From the Cold by Lindsay Smith and Max Gladstone

Through a haze of cigarettes and vodka there lies a version of Prague in the heart of the Cold War, where spies practice sorcery in their games of intrigue. While the political lines may be as clear as the Iron Curtain, the battles of magic seldom stay clean and the combating forces of Ice and Flame dance across borders and loyalties. Tanya Morozova is a KGB officer and the latest in a long of Ice sorceresses; Gabe Pritchard is a CIA officer and reluctant Ice recruit. Enemies at one turn, but forced into alliances at the next, their relationship is as explosive as the Cold War itself.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★☆☆

The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

Told in Kvothe's own voice, this is the tale of the magically gifted young man who grows to be the most notorious wizard his world has ever seen.  The intimate narrative of his childhood in a troupe of traveling players, his years spent as a near-feral orphan in a crime-ridden city, his daringly brazen yet successful bid to enter a legendary school of magic, and his life as a fugitive after the murder of a king form a gripping coming-of-age story unrivaled in recent literature.  A high-action story written with a poet's hand, The Name of the Wind is a masterpiece that will transport readers into the body and mind of a wizard.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

Into the Dim Janet B. Taylor

When fragile, sixteen-year-old Hope Walton loses her mom to an earthquake overseas, her secluded world crumbles. Agreeing to spend the summer in Scotland, Hope discovers that her mother was more than a brilliant academic, but also a member of a secret society of time travelers. Trapped in the twelfth century in the age of Eleanor of Aquitaine, Hope has seventy-two hours to rescue her mother and get back to their own time. Along the way, her path collides with that of a mysterious boy who could be vital to her mission . . . or the key to Hope’s undoing.

Actual Rate: ★★☆☆☆

Poison Study by Maria V. Snyder

About to be executed for murder, Yelena is offered an extraordinary reprieve. She'll eat the best meals, have rooms in the palace—and risk assassination by anyone trying to kill the Commander of Ixia. And so Yelena chooses to become a food taster. But the chief of security, leaving nothing to chance, deliberately feeds her Butterfly's Dust—and only by appearing for her daily antidote will she delay an agonizing death from the poison. As Yelena tries to escape her new dilemma, disasters keep mounting. Rebels plot to seize Ixia and Yelena develops magical powers she can't control. Her life is threatened again and choices must be made. But this time the outcomes aren't so clear... 

Actual Rate: ★★★★★

Magic Study by Maria V. Snyder

With her greatest enemy dead, and on her way to be reunited with the family she'd been stolen from long ago, Yelena should be pleased. But though she has gained her freedom, she can't help feeling isolated in Sitia. Her Ixian background has changed her in many ways—and her newfound friends and relatives don't think it's for the better.... Despite the turmoil, she's eager to start her magic training—especially as she's been given one year to harness her power or be put to death. But her plans take a radical turn when she becomes involved with a plot to reclaim Ixia's throne for a lost prince—and gets entangled in powerful rivalries with her fellow magicians. If that wasn't bad enough, it appears her brother would love to see her dead. Luckily, Yelena has some old friends to help her with all her new enemies....

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

Fire Study by Maria V. Snyder

The apprenticeship is over—now the real test has begun. When word that Yelena is a Soulfinder—able to capture and release souls—spreads like wildfire, people grow uneasy. Already Yelena's unusual abilities and past have set her apart. As the Council debates Yelena's fate, she receives a disturbing message: a plot is rising against her homeland, led by a murderous sorcerer she has defeated before... Honor sets Yelena on a path that will test the limits of her skills, and the hope of reuniting with her beloved spurs her onward. Her journey is fraught with allies, enemies, lovers and would-be assassins, each of questionable loyalty. Yelena will have but one chance to prove herself—and save the land she holds dear.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie

Murder at the Vicarage marks the debut of Agatha Christie’s unflappable and much beloved female detective, Miss Jane Marple. With her gift for sniffing out the malevolent side of human nature, Miss Marple is led on her first case to a crime scene at the local vicarage. Colonel Protheroe, the magistrate whom everyone in town hates, has been shot through the head. No one heard the shot. There are no leads. Yet, everyone surrounding the vicarage seems to have a reason to want the Colonel dead. It is a race against the clock as Miss Marple sets out on the twisted trail of the mysterious killer without so much as a bit of help from the local police

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

A Murder is Announced by Agatha Christie

The villagers of Chipping Cleghorn, including Jane Marple, are agog with curiosity over an advertisement in the local gazette which read: 'A murder is announced and will take place on Friday October 29th, at Little Paddocks at 6:30 p.m.' Unable to resist the mysterious invitation, a crowd begins to gather at Little Paddocks at the pointed time when, without warning, the lights go out ... 

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie

Poirot, a Belgian refugee of the Great War, is settling in England near the home of Emily Inglethorp, who helped him to his new life. His friend Hastings arrives as a guest at her home. When the woman is killed, Poirot uses his detective skills to solve the mystery.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

Elephants Can Remember by Agatha Christie

Hercule Poirot is determined to solve an old husband and wife double murder that is still an open verdict! Hercule Poirot stood on the cliff-top. Here, many years earlier, there had been a tragic accident. This was followed by the grisly discovery of two more bodies -- a husband and wife -- shot dead. But who had killed whom? Was it a suicide pact? A crime of passion? Or cold-blooded murder? Poirot delves back into the past and discovers that 'old sin can leave long shadows'.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

First, there were ten - a curious assortment of strangers summoned as weekend guests to a private island off the coast of Devon. Their host, an eccentric millionaire unknown to all of them, is nowhere to be found. All that the guests have in common is a wicked past they're unwilling to reveal - and a secret that will seal their fate. For each has been marked for murder. One by one they fall prey. Before the weekend is out, there will be none. And only the dead are above suspicion.

Actual Rate: ★★★★★

Murder on Astor Place by Victoria Thompson

After a routine delivery, midwife Sarah Brandt visits her patient in a rooming house and discovers that another boarder, a young girl, has been killed. At the request of Sergeant Frank Malloy, she searches the girl's room, and discovers that the victim is from one of the most prominent families in New York and the sister of an old friend. The powerful family, fearful of scandal, refuses to permit an investigation. But with Malloy's help, Sarah begins a dangerous quest to bring the killer to justice, before death claims another victim.

(Actual rate/Anticipation rate not available because I lost the book before finishing it, and at the time of posting this I haven’t repurchased the book).

Murder on St. Mark’s Place by Victoria Thompson

As a midwife in the turn-of-the-century tenements of New York City, Sarah Brandt has seen suffering and joy, birth and death-and even murder. And the crime ridden streets of the teeming city offer little relief from either. Thinking she has been summoned by German immigrant Agnes Otto to usher a new life into the world, Sarah Brandt is greeted by the news of an untimely death instead. It seems that Agnes's beautiful younger sister, Gerda, had fallen into the life of a "Charity Girl." Caught up in the false glamour of the city's nightlife, she would trade her company - and her favors - not for money, but for lavish gifts and an evenings' entertainment. And now she was dead; victim, no doubt, of one of her "gentlemen friends." No one cares much about the fate of girls like Gerda, but Sarah does. And she vows to find her killer. To do so, she turns to Sergeant Frank Malloy. As the two pursue an investigation that leads from the bright lights of Coney Island to the stately homes of Fifth Avenue, they find that their shared passion for justice may cost them dearly...

Actual Rate: ★★★☆☆

Murder on Gramercy Park by Victoria Thompson

As a midwife in the turn-of-the-century tenements of New York City, Sarah Brandt has seen her share of suffering and joy, birth and death. Now, she learns that crime doesn’t discriminate, when the highest echelons of society are rocked by murder… A Gaslight Mystery At a summons from Detective Sergeant Frank Malloy, Sarah arrives at the elegant home of famed magnetic healer Edmund Blackwell to find his wife in labor—and the good doctor dead from an apparent suicide. Only Malloy sees what no one else wants to: that Blackwell was murdered in his own home… After a successful delivery, the Blackwell baby falls mysteriously ill. Relying on her nurse’s training and woman’s intuition, Sarah discovers the source of the baby’s sickness—and discovers a scandal that leads Malloy’s investigation down a gilded path paved with greed, deception, and desire…

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

Into the Water by Paula Hawkins

In the last days before her death, Nel called her sister. Jules didn’t pick up the phone, ignoring her plea for help. Now Nel is dead. They say she jumped. And Jules has been dragged back to the one place she hoped she had escaped for good, to care for the teenage girl her sister left behind. But Jules is afraid. So afraid. Of her long-buried memories, of the old Mill House, of knowing that Nel would never have jumped. And most of all she’s afraid of the water, and the place they call the Drowning Pool . . .

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

The Rebel Pirate: Renegades of the American Revolution by Donna Thorland

1775, Boston Harbor. James Sparhawk, Master and Commander in the British Navy, knows trouble when he sees it. The ship he’s boarded is carrying ammunition and gold…into a country on the knife’s edge of war. Sparhawk’s duty is clear: confiscate the cargo, impound the vessel and seize the crew. But when one of the ship’s boys turns out to be a lovely girl, with a loaded pistol and dead-shot aim, Sparhawk finds himself held hostage aboard a Rebel privateer. Sarah Ward never set out to break the law. Before Boston became a powder keg, she was poised to escape the stigma of being a notorious pirate’s daughter by wedding Micah Wild, one of Salem’s most successful merchants. Then a Patriot mob destroyed her fortune and Wild played her false by marrying her best friend and smuggling a chest of Rebel gold aboard her family’s ship. Now branded a pirate herself, Sarah will do what she must to secure her family’s safety and her own future. Even if that means taking part in the cat and mouse game unfolding in Boston Harbor, the desperate naval fight between British and Rebel forces for the materiel of war—and pitting herself against James Sparhawk, the one man she cannot resist. 

Anticipation Rate: ★★★☆☆

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Aibileen is a black maid in 1962 Jackson, Mississippi, who's always taken orders quietly, but lately she's unable to hold her bitterness back. Her friend Minny has never held her tongue but now must somehow keep secrets about her employer that leave her speechless. White socialite Skeeter just graduated college. She's full of ambition, but without a husband, she's considered a failure. Together, these seemingly different women join together to write a tell-all book about work as a black maid in the South, that could forever alter their destinies and the life of a small town...

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

Yellow Crocus by Laila Ibrahim

Mattie was never truly mine. That knowledge must have filled me as quickly and surely as the milk from her breasts. Although my family ‘owned’ her, although she occupied the center of my universe, her deepest affections lay elsewhere. So along with the comfort of her came the fear that I would lose her some day. This is our story... So begins Lisbeth Wainwright’s compelling tale of coming-of-age in antebellum Virginia. Born to white plantation owners but raised by her enslaved black wet nurse, Mattie, Lisbeth’s childhood unfolds on the line between two very different worlds. Growing up under the tender care of Mattie, Lisbeth adopts her surrogate mother’s deep-seated faith in God, her love of music and black-eyed peas, and the tradition of hunting for yellow crocuses in the early days of spring. In time, Lisbeth realizes she has freedoms and opportunities that Mattie does not have, though she’s confined by the societal expectations placed on women born to privilege. As Lisbeth grows up, she struggles to reconcile her love for her caregiver with her parents’ expectations, a task made all the more difficult as she becomes increasingly aware of the ugly realities of the American slavery system. When Lisbeth bears witness to a shockingly brutal act, the final vestiges of her naiveté crumble around her. Lisbeth realizes she must make a choice, one that will require every ounce of the courage she learned from her beloved Mattie.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

The Life She Was Given by Ellen Marie Wiseman

On a summer evening in 1931, Lilly Blackwood glimpses circus lights from the grimy window of her attic bedroom. Lilly isn't allowed to explore the meadows around Blackwood Manor. She's never even ventured beyond her narrow room. Momma insists it's for Lilly's own protection, that people would be afraid if they saw her. But on this unforgettable night, Lilly is taken outside for the first time--and sold to the circus sideshow.  More than two decades later, nineteen-year-old Julia Blackwood has inherited her parents' estate and horse farm. For Julia, home was an unhappy place full of strict rules and forbidden rooms, and she hopes that returning might erase those painful memories. Instead, she becomes immersed in a mystery involving a hidden attic room and photos of circus scenes featuring a striking young girl.  At first, The Barlow Brothers' Circus is just another prison for Lilly. But in this rag-tag, sometimes brutal world, Lilly discovers strength, friendship, and a rare affinity for animals. Soon, thanks to elephants Pepper and JoJo and their handler, Cole, Lilly is no longer a sideshow spectacle but the circus's biggest attraction. . .until tragedy and cruelty collide. It will fall to Julia to learn the truth about Lilly's fate and her family's shocking betrayal, and find a way to make Blackwood Manor into a place of healing at last. 

Actual Rate: ★★★★☆

Stalking Jack the Ripper by Kerri Maniscalco

Seventeen-year-old Audrey Rose Wadsworth was born a lord's daughter, with a life of wealth and privilege stretched out before her. But between the social teas and silk dress fittings, she leads a forbidden secret life. Against her stern father's wishes and society's expectations, Audrey often slips away to her uncle's laboratory to study the gruesome practice of forensic medicine. When her work on a string of savagely killed corpses drags Audrey into the investigation of a serial murderer, her search for answers brings her close to her own sheltered world.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee

From Harper Lee comes a landmark new novel set two decades after her beloved Pulitzer Prize-winning masterpiece, To Kill a Mockingbird. Maycomb, Alabama. Twenty-six-year-old Jean Louise Finch--"Scout"--returns home from New York City to visit her aging father, Atticus. Set against the backdrop of the civil rights tensions and political turmoil that were transforming the South, Jean Louise's homecoming turns bittersweet when she learns disturbing truths about her close-knit family, the town and the people dearest to her. Memories from her childhood flood back, and her values and assumptions are thrown into doubt. Featuring many of the iconic characters from To Kill a Mockingbird, Go Set a Watchman perfectly captures a young woman, and a world, in a painful yet necessary transition out of the illusions of the past--a journey that can be guided only by one's conscience. Written in the mid-1950s, Go Set a Watchman imparts a fuller, richer understanding and appreciation of Harper Lee.

Actual Rate: ★★★☆☆

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

Thrown in prison for a crime he has not committed, Edmond Dantès is confined to the grim fortress of If. There he learns of a great hoard of treasure hidden on the Isle of Monte Cristo and he becomes determined not only to escape, but also to unearth the treasure and use it to plot the destruction of the three men responsible for his incarceration. 

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

Acclaimed by critics, beloved by readers of all ages, taught everywhere from inner-city grade schools to universities across the country, and translated all over the world, The House on Mango Street is the remarkable story of Esperanza Cordero.  Told in a series of vignettes – sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes deeply joyous–it is the story of a young Latina girl growing up in Chicago, inventing for herself who and what she will become. Few other books in our time have touched so many readers.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

The Giver by Lois Lowry

This haunting story centers on Jonas, who lives in a seemingly ideal, if colorless, world of conformity and contentment. Not until he's given his life assignment as the Receiver of Memory does he begin to understand the dark, complex secrets behind his fragile community.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

Bestselling author Sherman Alexie tells the story of Junior, a budding cartoonist growing up on the Spokane Indian Reservation. Determined to take his future into his own hands, Junior leaves his troubled school on the rez to attend an all-white farm town high school where the only other Indian is the school mascot. Heartbreaking, funny, and beautifully written, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, which is based on the author's own experiences, coupled with poignant drawings by Ellen Forney that reflect the character's art, chronicles the contemporary adolescence of one Native American boy as he attempts to break away from the life he was destined to live.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sánez

Aristotle is an angry teen with a brother in prison. Dante is a know-it-all who has an unusual way of looking at the world. When the two meet at the swimming pool, they seem to have nothing in common. But as the loners start spending time together, they discover that they share a special friendship—the kind that changes lives and lasts a lifetime. And it is through this friendship that Ari and Dante will learn the most important truths about themselves and the kind of people they want to be.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★☆

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

Sixteen-year-old Starr Carter moves between two worlds: the poor neighborhood where she lives and the fancy suburban prep school she attends. The uneasy balance between these worlds is shattered when Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Khalil was unarmed. Soon afterward, his death is a national headline. Some are calling him a thug, maybe even a drug dealer and a gangbanger. Protesters are taking to the streets in Khalil's name. Some cops and the local drug lord try to intimidate Starr and her family. What everyone wants to know is: what really went down that night? And the only person alive who can answer that is Starr. But what Starr does or does not say could upend her community. It could also endanger her life.

Anticipation Rate: ★★★★★

And this doesn’t even touch on the Kindle books or other eBooks I’ve downloaded in the past few months. I don’t think Tumblr has a word count limit, but after this post they may want to consider it. If you’re interested in a review for any of these books, don’t be afraid to give me a holler and ask for it! I’d be more than happy to do a write-up for you guys!

Now let me know, what is your most anticipated read for the fall? I’m currently looking forward to reading the Three Dark Crowns sequel, One Dark Throne. Even though I rated it’s predecessor three stars (well, 3.75 stars to be honest), I can’t wait to read what happens next!

[poirott]

(via iamacolor)

♥ ♥ Oh gosh, I gasped and squeed (yes) when your tags about me popped up in the activity feed, thank you so much for what you’ve said! :) ♥ *flabbergasted*

Same here, can’t wait for the new film! My stance on Branagh’s Poirot is, well, his look may not strictly adhere to canon but then again, I’m in love with a curly-haired, modern version of Sherlock Holmes, it would be more than a little hypocritical of me to turn around and hate on a blond Poirot with a huge moustache.

If Benedict can be a brilliant Holmes without the slicked back hair, dark brows, thin lips and thin hawk-like nose, why must Branagh be round, with an egg-shaped head, and black hair and moustache? I understand Suchet set a high standard (and there’s only one Suchet) but so did Brett for Holmes, and we’ve had other successful Holmes adaptations since the Granada tv series.

Branagh’s not even the first blond Poirot and he’s already explained the reasoning behind the moustache, and the particular tactic his Poirot is using is definitely canon. Both Branagh and his Poirot know they’re gonna get mocked and ridiculed for their looks, and that’s exactly what happened when the first promos were released for the film. ;)

And I can’t judge or dismiss a portrayal I haven’t seen yet. To put it shortly, my first instinct is to always support Poirot because I love him and want more of him in my life, I want to know everything there is to know about the man. If Branagh brings out but one new facet about the character I haven’t thought of or seen explored before, it’ll be a win for me. :) One tantalizing tidbit can give birth to a hundred new headcanons! I have a feeling I’ll see Poirot in a whole new light after the movie.

Sidenote: Now that we know how Ken’s Poirot looks like, does it mean his younger Poirot looked like THIS:

Because OH MY GOD. Hello there, dishy policeman Poirot working for the Brussels Police! I’ve been meaning to do on an edit with this theme for ages (Poirot in uniform ♥, making a name for himself in the detective force at a young age, just like in the books) and the above gif (which is lovely) just opened my mind to new possibilities and headcanons for Ken’s version.