#Love seeing all the tiny white lies she tells abt herself

[dumbdolphin333]

love looking through my sister's Tumblr so I can be snarky in my head abt things.

Like "calm down you did gymnastics when you were 8🙄"

[rafecameron]

dancing on my own

request: Angst with no happy ending? How abt *insert actor/character* getting married and their ex (the reader) kinda 'forcing herself' to go to the wedding bc she really wants to see their mutual friends again but like doesn't wanna see the wedding. And reader just watching the love of their live get married and be happy with someone else and their heart silently being ripped apart? Too cruel?

pairing: ex!luke patterson x reader

word count: 2.1K

warnings: heartbreak, no happy ending

a/n: here you go cruel anon. turns out im not that great at heartbreak but hopefully this makes your heart crack a little bit. (also idk if people read authors notes but my requests are currently closed!) 

Y/N thought back on all the times she could have turned around. When she was getting into her car. When she reached the airport. When she queued to board the plane. When she checked into her hotel. When she began to get ready. Now she was facing the very last time she could turn around. Stood outside the venue, all dressed up with no one to walk her inside. But just like the times before, she didn’t turn around, she pushed on. Her heart breaking a little more with each step, she knew that surely by the end of the night there would be nothing left but crumbs. She had promised herself two things before this trip. Number one; she would not speak to him. Number two; she would not cry. She wasn’t entirely sure she would be able to keep either of the promises to herself, but repeating them in her head made her feel that little bit calmer.

She situated herself beside a table lined with drinks, helping herself to a flute of champagne. She was anxious for the doors to be opened so she could find a seat, somewhere in a corner at the back would suit her just fine. Out of sight of anyone who would surely recognise her, she had no intentions of engaging in conversation until the reception. But seeing as what was happening today she should have known it would be her unlucky day.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” a voice speaks beside her and she turns, landing eyes on someone she had not seen for far too long. His suit was tailored perfectly to his body, his long hair tied in a bun at the back of his head. ���I wasn’t sure you’d come.” He pulls her into a hug.

“I wasn’t sure I would either,” she admits as she pulls away, “I wasn’t going to, but I wanted to see everyone...most people.”

Willie laughs softly, “I’m glad you’re here, sit beside me?” He asks, motioning with his head towards the doors that were being pulled open.

“Oh, I was just gonna sit in the back,” she stumbles over her words as Willie takes ahold of her hand, “Aren’t you going to sit with Alex?”

“He’s preoccupied.” Willie states simply, ignoring her protests as he pulls her towards the front of the room to take a seat in the front row.

She sighs as she sits down beside him. The sick feeling in her stomach growing as the room slowly became more and more full, people lining up on the benches and getting ready to watch the ceremony.

Willie reaches down and takes ahold of her hand again, giving it a light squeeze and offering a comforting smile, “You don’t have to stay.” He whispers.

“I do.” She nods, “I want to see everyone, I won’t stay all day but I need to at least say hello now I’m here.”

Willie nods his head, squeezing her hand one last time and patting her knees before turning back to face forward, the ceremony would be starting any minute and she found that her eyes were glued to the pattern on the floor.

For the entirety of the ceremony she didn’t look up. She didn’t want to risk meeting his eyes, didn’t want to see her friends sympathetic looks and definitely didn’t want to see the bride looking beautiful in her white dress. She tried her best not to listen, she couldn’t stomach hearing the vows and knew if she heard the words I do in his voice she’d cry. So she thought about anything else but what was happening in front of her.

She finally looked up when the couple was safely past her line of sight, eyes instantly meeting that of an old blonde friend. He gave her a wave, she was sure the smile was supposed to make her feel better but she just felt more pathetic. Why was she even here? She’s sure the invite was out of politeness and not an actual invitation to come. And if her friends were going to be tiptoeing around her and treating her like a porcelain doll she wasn’t sure she could cope. The nicer people were to her about this the more likely it was she would break down.

She didn’t want to think about it, about him, sure she was at his wedding but that didn’t mean this day had to be about him. She wanted to have a catch up with her friends, avoid her ex the whole night and then go back home, cry with a bottle of wine and forget this whole thing ever happened.

“I’m glad you came.” Alex says as he reaches her, pulling her into a hug, “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too.” She responds truthfully, “Can we go to the reception? I think I need a drink already.”

Alex laughs, taking Willies hand in his own and leading the way towards the after party. The amount of people that were there she was sure she would be able to avoid the groom for the night. She found herself situated on a table with her friends, helping herself to a glass of wine and making sure the bottle was kept close to her.

No matter how excited she was to see her friends she found that now she was here she was finding it hard to hold a conversation. The group around her were still familiar with each other, still seeing each other and having things to talk about, she felt a little like a spare part. But still she smiled along and listened to their conversation. Something about a recent party they had attended where Reggie had drank a little too much, she laughed along with them unsure of what else to do. The more they spoke and tried to involve her in the conversation the more she realised she didn’t really know the people around her anymore. Sure she had good memories with them and she would always consider them her friends, but she didn’t really know them.

The best thing about weddings it that you can be invisible if you wanted to be. The bride and groom were always busy, everyone wanting to talk to them and congratulate them, and the drunker the guests got the easier it was to slip away from conversations and merely watch the scenes unfold. Which is exactly what she did. She watched her friends get drunk and progressively louder, not noticing anymore if she wasn’t joining in their conversation. If the night continued this way she was certain she would make it out in one piece.

She thought she was doing a pretty good job of avoiding the one person she feared seeing the most. But halfway through the night a hand landed on her shoulder and a familiar scent filled her nose. She felt her skin ignite where his fingers touched and she begged the butterflies in her stomach to go away, to fly away and disappear forever.

Turning in her seat she finally meets his eyes for the first time that night, forcing a smile onto her face as she stands up and allows him to pull her into a hug. Her heart hammers in her chest and she uses every ounce of will power within her to not shed any tears, she felt the epitome of pathetic. Wanting to cry at a wedding like she was in a bad romcom movie. Only if this were a movie she’d get the guy, or a second guy would come sweep her off her feet and make her forget the first one was ever there. She didn’t see that happening anytime soon.

“Thanks for coming.” Luke smiles, “You look great, that colour really suits you.”

She returns his smile with a tight lipped one of her own, “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.” She attempts a light hearted laugh.

She looked away, she couldn’t stand looking into his eyes any longer, his gaze intense and stirring way too many different emotions inside of her. She wanted him to be horrible to her, to tell her to leave and never come back, not to tell her she looks great. How was she ever supposed to get over him when he was nothing but nice to her all the time. She wished he had done something at the end to allow her to hate him. Cheat on her maybe, or tell her he never loved her, then maybe she’d stand a tiny chance of getting over him and moving on with her life. Instead he was selfish and kept her at arms length because he knew he always could and that should have been enough for her to stay away, but she just couldn’t.

“Congratulations,” she looks back at him, eyes settling just above his to avoid his gaze, “You seem really happy, I wish you all the best.”

“Thanks,” he smiles and it’s genuine, something which breaks her heart a little more.

Of course she wants him to be happy, but a bigger part of her wants him to be happy with her and not anyone else. She knows that’s selfish, but that doesn’t stop her from trying to wish it into existence no matter how futile she knows it is.

“Have you met Jess?” He asks, placing a hand on her shoulder as though about to lead her somewhere.

“Oh, no I haven’t but she looks busy,” she quickly shrugs his hand off, the bride she could see from the corner of her eye, laughing at something another guest had said, “I’ll introduce myself later.” She lies.

The only thing she could think that would be worse than this wedding was having to actually meet the bride. To meet her replacement, the better version. The one who had stolen his heart and been worth enough to keep it forever. She forces a smile and excuses herself to the bathroom.

As she reaches the bathroom she can feel her eyes stinging, shutting herself in a cubicle she fans her face, determined not to let a single tear fall. She had made a promise to herself and the least she could do was keep it. She leant her head back against the door, letting out a shaky breath to compose herself.

Once she was sure she wouldn’t cry she exited the bathroom again, thankful to see that he was no longer at the table she had just ran from. She took her seat and no one asked where she had been or if she was okay, she was glad for that at least.

As the night wore on she thought she was doing okay, one little hiccup but no tears since, she’d even found herself genuinely laughing at a couple points. He’d spoken to her and she hadn’t thrown up on his shoes, he had no reason to try and speak to her again.

But then it was time for the first dance and she felt her chest tightening. Her calm composure being over taken by a sinking feeling of dread. She watched for a minute, watched him hold her close and smile. Watched him lean in to kiss her gently before spinning her under his arm and pulling her back in. She wished more than anything that it was her in his arms, her who he still looked at like the world shone behind her eyes. But it would never be her again, and his bride she was sure was far more beautiful than she could ever hope to be.

She watched as more dancers joined the floor, her friends among them. She tried to smile, but the sight was too much for her. Her friends laughing and dancing with their loved ones while she sat on the side lines and watched feeling like a stranger. The slow music a melancholy soundtrack to her emotions, reminding her of something she could never have.

She stands from the table, dragging her eyes over each person she knew, lingering on Luke for a moment longer before she turned and walked out of the room. She knew that this would be the last time she ever saw him, because she knew seeing him happy with someone else would be a slow form of torture. So she walked away, from him, from her friends forever, leaving whatever little pieces were left of her heart behind. By the time she exited the building she felt nothing more than a hollow shell and she finally let the tears fall.

tags: @lovesanimals @makebank @chrlsgillespie @crybabyddl @marinettepotterandplagg @caitsymichelle13 @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @alexpjoyner @meangirlsx

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[nessaandoliver]

title: grief characters: nessa, oliver words: abt 3k notes: this little exercise was basically just “how many spoilers can i stick in here without actually spoiling anything” lol. i had too much fun writing this. hope you enjoy <3

::::

He startles awake to see Nessa bent over him and he panics for a moment, afraid that something might be wrong, until he registers the look of quiet conspiracy on her face. She presses her finger to her lips, her gaze quickly darting to where Adam lies sleeping soundly, snoring lightly with his mouth wide open.

Oliver gives her a questioning look, but she nods to the door and then skirts around his sleeping mat and quietly leaves. He is tempted to lay back down, but she must have come to him for a reason. Still half-asleep, he pulls his worn jacket on over his sleep shirt and slips into his boots in the corner of the room. To err on the side of caution, he straps his gun at his hip and then sleepily makes his way towards the door.

He stifles a yawn and runs a hand through his hair, trying to fix the awkward tuffs sticking up in the back. Nessa waits outside the room, leaning against the wall with her hands tucked behind her. He raises an eyebrow as the door clicks shut behind him.

“What are you doing up this late?” he whispers.

The moonlight that slants through a nearby window catches on the curl of her hair, turning it birch white. “I couldn’t sleep,” she replies softly. “I...want to show you something.”

“Now?” he asks, propping his hands on his hips like a disgruntled mother of two.

“No, tomorrow afternoon,” she drawls with heavy sarcasm. “Yes, now! Come on.” She beckons him to follow with the twitch of her finger and, against his better judgment, he follows.

The old castle hallways are drafty, and even though it’s late summer, this high up in the mountains the nights are chilly. Oliver pockets his hands as he follows Nessa down spiraling staircases and stone corridors, feeling more and more awake with every step he takes.

“Reina would kill me if she knew I let you lure me out of the castle without proper protection,” he says, speaking softly even though they are alone. There may be ghosts in this castle, forgotten by time, and he doesn’t dare talk louder than he has to, out of fear he may disturb them. Dust makes the air feel thick.

Nessa replies, “What Reina doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” After a beat, she adds. “You make it sound as though I’ve left you no choice.” He hears her footsteps stop and he makes a soft sound of surprise when his chest bumps against her shoulder; he hadn’t realized how close he was walking behind her. “I’m not a princess anymore. I do not give orders.”

He regrets his poor word choice. “I know,” he says. “I almost just went back to bed.”

She starts forward again. “You’ll be glad you didn’t, I promise.”

They fall into a comfortable silence as they make their way toward the grand entry hall, where all the tall windows are glassless and gaping, allowing large chunks of moonlight to split across the marble floor. Oliver pauses when she reaches the front doors and pulls on the metal rung to swing it open.

“We’re leaving the castle?” he asks.

She flashes him a smile that is far too mischievous, and far too pretty. She is practically monotone, bleached by the moonlight, but it turns her into a dreamlike figure. He wonders briefly if he had even woken up at all.

“Think you can handle it?” she asks, raising an eyebrow. He draws closer to her with a smirk.

“Oh, I can handle it,” he assures her, straightening the lopsided collar of her jacket.

She peers up at him without restraint or hesitation, meeting his gaze head on, mirth hiding there at the corner of her mouth. He grins down at her, giving her a wink, his hands lingering around her throat. Oliver retracts his hands and pockets them, but he doesn’t step back and neither does she.

“There’s a little chapel on the castle grounds, down by the river,” she says in a voice quieter than before, warmer than before. “It’s really not so far from here. We’ll be fine.”

He tilts his head, a gesture that invites her leadership. “Show me.”

She gives him a slight smile and then turns and beckons him to follow as she begins her trek down the gentle slope from the castle doors. The shallow hill stretches for at least a mile, all the way down to the riverbank. He walks side by side with Nessa on the path, the two of them resting in a companionable silence, neither of them wanting to shatter the quiet moment.

He can’t remember the last time he was alone with her. Reina and Adam are always close by, both a blessing and a curse. He can’t do or say anything stupid to Nessa with an audience, but on the other hand, he can’t do or say anything to her at all. Reina’s obvious and disgruntled disapproval of him is no secret, either. It’s funny, how she trusts Adam - Nessa’s least favorite person - more than she trusts Oliver, especially since he’d never done anything to explicitly deserve her skeptical scrutiny.

Fixing his thoughts back on the moment, Oliver wonders how Nessa would react if he reached out and took her hand, and then banishes that thought entirely. This is no time for him to indulge in his own desires, and it would be cruel of him to act on them when she has had so much else to deal with lately.

He dares a quick glance at her from the corner of his eye. Her short hair bounces around her chin, her eyes half-lidded in thought as she watches her boots crunch against the dirt path. A part of him very nearly asks her what is on her mind, but another part reasons that if she wants him to know, she’ll share. Nessa has never been afforded very much privacy in her life, and the last thing he wants to do is pry.

About fifteen minutes later, she points to a tiny, building standing alone near the bank of the river. Nessa’s steps quicken. “Do you see it?”

“Yeah. It looks small.”

She nods and goes on ahead. He smiles as he watches her rush forward, content to linger behind for a moment, and take in the lovely, moon-bleached scenery around them. The chapel is as tiny as he thought it was going to be. The white stone nearly glows in the moonlight, crumbling pieces of the roof resting on the ground, overgrown with tiny purple flowers. The grass here reaches Nessa’s knees, swishing as a gentle breeze blows through the valley.

Nessa takes a deep breath as she pushes the front door of the building open. The hinges creak with dreaded protest, loud and wailing and resistant, before the opening is large enough for her and Oliver to both slip in. She disappears into the shadows first, not even looking back to make sure he would follow.

“Watch your head,” he hears her say from inside.

He ducks as he enters. “Were people back then always so short?” he asks.

“No, you’re just freakishly tall,” she replies.

Oliver opens his mouth to respond to that, but his quip dies on his tongue when his eyes find the large, stained glass window at the back of the chapel, casting jewel tones on the ground. The inside of the building itself is empty, the pews had either never existed or had been taken out a long, long time ago. A bed of grass covers the floor, softening Nessa’s footsteps as she goes deeper inside, the many windows wide enough to allow for bright slices of moonlight fall into the building.

“It’s beautiful,” he says, finding his gaze drawn back to the stained glass. How it had survived for so many years without shattering is a mystery. The castle has to be at least a couple hundred years old, and abandoned for half that time; it’s only safe to assume the chapel has been around for just as long.

“Isn’t it?” Nessa replies, her back to him, voice echoing off the empty walls.

A thought occurs to him. “How did you find this place? When did you find this place?”

She shrugs, the wave of her hair caught in the moonlight, still facing away from him. “I went for a walk last night.”

He frowns. Hadn’t she told him tonight that she couldn’t sleep either? That makes this two nights in a row. Oliver approaches her slowly, entering the the shadows before her and turning to face her. The darkness almost entirely obscures her expression, but she can probably see his clearly and that’s all that matters. His hands curl into fists inside his pockets.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly.

She is quiet for a moment. “Not yet,” she says, her voice fragile.

He blows out a breath in relief, glad that she isn’t going to try and hide this from him. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, even though he promised himself that he wouldn’t pry.

She gives a funny little laugh, almost self-depreciating. “Do I?” she wonders aloud, as if to herself. “When Reina asked, I said no.”

“That’s okay,” he assures her gently. “You don’t have to.”

Nessa takes a deep breath. “Reina did not have an easy life. Her mother died giving birth to her and her father was very sick, and blind. He couldn’t do anything for himself. At a young age, Reina was out selling newspapers and picking up other odd jobs just to take care of her father and herself. She never got to go to school. I think some neighbor took pity on her and helped her learn to read and write.

“Her father died when she was fifteen years old. She had to spend a year on the streets of some backwater town in the west, fending for herself, until she turned sixteen and enrolled in the military academy in Niaren. She excelled. Just before her eighteenth birthday, she was promoted to the royal guard. That’s when I met her.”

“We’ve been together ever since,” she continues. “Reina knows everything about me, and I have always trusted her with all of my secrets. I’ve shared everything with her. So why?”

The words hang in the air between them. Oliver feels as though she might be on the cusp of breaking. “Why what, Princess?”

When she speaks, her voice is eerily calm. “Why can’t I tell her how scared I am?” she asks quietly, as though speaking too loud could bring the whole church down on them. “I watch that horrible day play out every night in my head and I can’t stop it and I can’t tell her.” She sucks in another deep, deep breath.

Oliver knows. She doesn’t have to say that she blames herself for what happened at the palace. She doesn’t have to cry or scream to relay the pain she keeps where no one can see it. He knows because he has lived it, too. He lives it every day. His face crumples like a wad of paper at her words. He swallows a thick lump of emotion caught in his throat.

“The night my parents died...the night my sister was kidnapped… I just.” He stares hard at the space between their boots on the dark floor. “I just hid. My mom was screaming for me. I could hear my father yelling for someone to go get help. The nearest neighbors to our estate were only two miles down the road - not very far away at all.”

He wrinkles his nose, smelling phantom smoke. The nasty scars on his arm and shoulder throb at the memory. Shame wells up inside of him, but he forces the words out. It’s been a long time since he’s shared this with anyone and it hurts. “I didn’t do anything. I just sat in a closet with my hands over my ears until the ceiling fell on me. I woke up in a hospital two days later.” His voice is as soft and flickering as the single flame of a candlestick. “I understand, Princess. I blame myself, too.”

She is quiet for a long moment, and there is a slight hitch in her breath as she struggles to compose herself. Again, he wants to take her hands in his, to feel her skin on his and ground her to this spot. He doesn’t know if its more for her comfort or for his. Instead, he just stands there, hands tight in his pockets, memories searing across his thoughts like shooting stars.

When she speaks again, her voice has a tremor in it. “Does it get easier?”

He can’t lie to her. “No. But you get stronger. And you can promise yourself that you will do everything in your power to make sure it never happens again.” He blows out a puff of air that lifts the lock of his hair off his forehead for a moment. “Princess, listen. I personally think you’re crazy for believing even a fraction of this is your fault, because you can’t control the will and actions of another person. But I get it. Just… Just don’t let it consume you.”

He steps closer to her and he reaches out with both of his hands to take hers. Propriety be damned. “Promise me.”

Her hands, stiff at first, become pliant, her fingertips chilled against his warm skin. “I didn’t want to burden you with all of this when I brought you here, Mr. Kenton,” she says.

“It’s no burden,” he replies. “Seriously. You’ve never been a burden, Princess.”

She sighs, an unexpectedly harsh sound. “Can you stop calling me that? I’m not a princess anymore.”

Despite the situation, he chuckles at her frustrated tone. “You’ll always be a princess, whether you like it or not.”

Her hands tighten on his and she steps even closer. The toes of their boots might be touching. The corner of her open jacket brushes against his thumb and he can smell the rosewater of her hair drifting up to meet him. He acknowledges the way his heart does a quick sprint, and swallows.

“I am not your princess, do you understand?” she says softly. “I don’t want to be that person, to you.”

He feels his gaze grow sharper, more focused. Even in the darkness, he searches the shadows of her face for her expression and is disappointed when he can’t see a thing but the slightest slope of her nose.

“I wish you’d just call me Nessa,” she adds after a moment.

His breath catches. “I can’t,” he says, very nearly pained by the words. They come out of his mouth like cotton, dry and rough.

She lets her fingers play over his, sighing more softly this time, turning her head down to look at their hands. He is content to stand there and let her think, enjoying the simple feel of her chilly skin against his.

“I know,” she finally says, her thumb resting in the cradle of his right palm. After another moment passes, she adds, “I promise.”

He softens like butter, feeling half-drunk on the resolve in her voice, the way her fingers thread through his and then squeeze. “You won’t be alone,” he tells her, his voice far more intimate than he means for it to be.

“I know,” she murmurs again.

They stay like that, silent again. Oliver dreads the moment they have to let go. He doesn’t know when he will be this close to her again, so raw and vulnerable and open. He is sorry that she is enduring so much pain but he more than glad to share it with her. To make it so that her demons can rest with his.

Reluctantly, he pulls away when she yawns.

“We should probably get back,” he says. “It’s getting colder out.”

She hums in agreement. When they get back to the palace later, he makes sure to walk her to the room she shares with Reina, knowing that when they separate, everything will go back to the way it was before tonight. There will be distance between them in the daylight.

He catches her hand at the door. “Please remember what I told you,” he murmurs.

She nods, looking up at him with sleepy eyes. “I will.”

“And I’m here to talk whenever you need to,” he adds.

“I know.” She smiles just a bit but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know...I know it must have been hard. I’m so sorry.”

Oliver resists the urge to touch her face, to see if she will lean into his hand and linger there. Instead, he steps forward and brushes the hair back from her forehead to place a chaste kiss there at her hairline. She goes utterly still for a moment, but her hand tightens around his marginally before letting go. When she steps back, her expression is soft as a dream.

“Goodnight, Princess.”

She opens the door to her bedroom and mouths a timid little, “‘Night,” before slipping away. The door closes with a soft thump. Oliver holds his breath for a moment before letting out a big sigh, resting his forehead against the door. He stays there for a while, shelving away everything that had happened meticulously, afraid of forgetting even a single second.

The only thing that pulls him back to his own room is the promise of a decent cushion and the happy knowledge that he is far too tired for dreaming.