#Lipa Liverpool

[khevlfc]

Liverpool x Dua Lipa

[swaggypsyduck]

my favourite Liverpool duo robbo and trent

[itsfootballbih]

Trent, now’s your chance to bag her!!

[sunnytkm23]

WHERE IS THE WEMBLEY SOUND TEAM TO PLAY ONE KISS???????

[cher-rei]

afterglow pt- 14 [ T.A.A ]

pairings: trent alexander arnold x fem!reader

summary: young and aspiring marketing and business major jamie carter (you) is privileged with working alongside the liverpool marketing and public relations team while also getting entangled with their star player and right back, trent alexander arnold.

genre(s): friends to lovers, workplace romance, fluff, slowish burn

[wc: 4.8k] masterlist

notes: time to meet the in-laws heheeh

previous next

the sound of his parents chatting in the kitchen caught trent's attention. he didn't expect them to still be at home seeing as it was a saturday. they were often out together, shopping or just taking a drive to a museum just to get some fresh air.

and judging by their expressions when they saw their son come downstairs fully dressed as if he had somewhere to be, they thought the same. diane set down her coffee on the table and nudged her husband as well.

trent stood frozen for a moment, unsure of the reason for their looks of shock. "what's wrong?" he asked, checking himself to see if it was an issue with his outfit.

michael, his father, stifled a laugh and turned his attention back to his breakfast which left the stare off to diane who had the faintest idea of what the occasion was. it's been like this for weeks now, the same routine of trent coming home late or leaving early in the morning.

sure he was a grown man, but diane knew her son and it was out of character. "do you mind me asking where you're off to?"

trent shrugged his shoulders, shoving his phone back into his pocket. "jamie has some errands to run today, so I'm tagging along."

the familiar name made diane smile. she craned her neck to get a better look at trent who had just blatantly lied to her. he could of just said that you were going on a date, there was really no reason to hide it and he knew that.

it's just that you weren't official yet so he didn't know whether to properly call it a date, or mention to his family that you were possibly the best thing that's ever happened to him. during supper he always had to refrain from gushing over something that you said, or making it obvious that he had feelings for you.

he was merely being careful and didn't want to give himself and his family false hope. was it eating him up on the inside? definitely. but he kept it up, and tried to mellow his emotions until you were ready.

"you know what's funny?" diane said, causing trent to shake his head. "I keep on hearing about jamie but--" she looked around the kitchen and made a gesture to the empty space. "--I never see her."

trent couldn't hold back his groan, his frustration mixing with the sound of his father's amused laughter. "mum, there's no reason for you to see her." he said honestly, a hint of apprehension slipping through his tone.

diane pulled a face. "since when am I not allowed to see your girlfriend?"

trent's heart dropped, his immediate reaction being to cover his face in embarrassment. "she's not my girlfriend, how many times--"

"oh wow." she threw her hands into the air with an exasperated laugh. "it's dua lipa all over again."

the mention of the pop star sent trent into a spiral, his words lodged into the back of his throat while his mother complained to her husband who was trying his best to stay neutral.

"remember dua lipa, michael?" she hit his arm. "we had to find out about her through an article."

"we've been over this, I've never even met dua lipa." he leant against one of the cabinets and rubbed his temples to calm himself down.

it was a few years ago when the rumour began to spread out of nowhere. a few of them said that he was dating the singer, but the vast majority were convinced that he rejected her. where they got that information from? he had no idea.

"so is she better than dua lipa?" michael spoke up, a ghost of a smile hiding behind his coffee mug. he loved to tease his son like this, usually he was the neutral party but not today.

a few muttered words left trent's mouth, incoherent as he tried to figure out what to say. his frustration was on the brink of boiling over and it was evident in the blush on his cheeks. he felt cornered, trapped even though he could just leave. but he didn't.

maybe this is what he needed. enough pressure to finally make the girl he'd been head over heels to light. "I mean she's..." he awkwardly scratched the nape of his neck. "she's nice."

diane's eyebrow quirked. "nice? that's something you say about a dessert, not your girlfriend."

this prompted trent to roll his eyes, not being able to find the words that were resting on the tip of his tongue. "she's a lot of things, okay? a lot of good things."

"oh," it was his fathers turn to lean closer. "so she is your girlfriend?"

"what? no I--"

"yes, you did."

"why don't you invite her over for lunch tomorrow?"

so many things. so many things were being at the same time and it felt as if his head was about to explode. here he was— a grown man being interrogated about his love life. it was all too much and be was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

bring you over for lunch?? with his entire family being here?? INCLUDING HIS BROTHERS?? what were they thinking?

the last thing that he wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable or rushed and as much as a small part of his softened at the thought of you meeting his family, his logic knew what was right.

so before he burst into tears in front of his parents he covered his ears and darted out the front door straight to his car. he was sure that they were still calling out for him but he needed to be gone. away from all that apprehension.

"are you sure that it's okay for us to be going out in public like this?"

that question had been sitting at the back of your mind ever since he picked you up, and now that you were nearly at the café it only worsened. ever since the efl final, you've felt a little more cautious about your presence— not just with trent but with the team in general.

your question made trent frown. "I mean it's bound to happen eventually." he watched from the corner of your eye and you fiddled with the clip of your hand bag, a soft "uh huh" leaving your lips.

"are you okay?" his hands caught yours for a gentle squeeze which only managed to supply half of the reassurance you needed. "you've been awfully quiet lately."

your pulse quickened at his observation and managed to bring a small but noticeable smile to your lips. "yeah it's just--" you let out a heavy sigh. "--you know how people are and I don't want this to cause a scene."

almost as if it were planned, trent parked the car not too far from the café, and immediately unbuckled his seatbelt to face you properly. he searched your uneasy expression for answers while you shuffled in your seat, your cheeks growing warm.

"jamie," he said softly, gaining your attention. "is this about the interview last week?"

your expression depicted an ease you didn't necessarily feel, uncomfortable with his ability to figure you out so well. you could have lied and said no, but trent's gaze was intense in a way that you couldn't bring yourself to hide anything.

your composure was under attack, so you simply nodded. trent's expression grew still and serious, not having thought that the post match interview a week ago would've gotten to you, and neither did you.

you were headstrong, the type to not let the words of others cut deep enough to fracture your demeanor but this gnawed at your confidence.

it happened for the past few days, where you'd find your thoughts trialling back to that evening as you stood in the press room not too far from the back as jurgen and virgil were interviewed respectively. it was going as per normal until your name slipped from jurgen's mouth.

you weren't paying much attention until then.

"she was rather rowdy today from the bench," the reporter prompted and your shoulders tensed, not catching the way that jurgen's brows drew together in an angry frown but the reporter continued. "this happens often. what is it like having her around during matches? she's not a part of the team so does it cause any issues?"

issues? was there a line that you crossed?

jurgen was quick with his answer but the hint of anger in his tone was clear despite his chuckle. "jamie likes to be part of the action, she's always standing on the touchline with me and asking questions. she's very passionate about the sport and it's nice to see that she cares."

the reporter opened his mouth again to further his question but jurgen cut him off, his gaze intense which contraindicated the smile he adorned. "If I had the choice I'd say she should take after me when I resign."

that wasn't even the worst, the entire press conference you felt targeted as if everyone was watching you with more criticism than usual. you were used to the attention but this was suffocating— and it had gotten to you unfortunately.

trent's gaze softened, cupping your chin. "you did nothing wrong. they were just prying for something and didn't get what they wanted."

"they said I'm too intense." you stiffened with a heavy sigh mimicking the weight on your chest. "I think that I need to take a few steps back, trent."

"well you're thinking wrong," he said, his voice raising a bit at your absurd idea. "we love you when you're screaming on the touchline, we love you when you're dragging us to do stupid tiktoks for the supporters, and we sure as hell love you when you give us the energy we need."

you bit your lip to stifle a grin, letting trent's lecture settle in the air for a moment. "you think my tiktoks are stupid?"

an easy smile played at the corners of his mouth and he leant forward, his lips grazing yours as he spoke. "very."

the feeling of trent's lips gently melting into yours lifted an immense weight from your shoulders. the sensation sent your thoughts spinning, any doubts vanishing almost immediately until you pulled away, breathless.

when the two of you finally entered the café— the whole reason for this entire trip, you were pleasantly surprised to see that there were fewer people than you expected. trent casually took the liberty of ordering, happy to know that you trusted him enough to know what you liked.

you picked out a spot at the back of the café, a few tables away from the window so you weren't spotted too easily. just in case. as you settled, trent couldn't help but notice the way that the soft light from the window and how it danced on your features.

he smiled. feeling grateful for the moment of peace despite what happened in the car. he knew better than anyone than this being a dangerous idea, that no matter how well known that you were, it was only bound to ruin your image if certain people saw you together.

trent has had his fair share of crazy or delusional fans that took it a step too far on more than one occasion, and it was one of the main reasons that he kept his social life as private as possible. but not with you. it was impossible in every way.

but that didn't mean that he was going to back off.

his attention was drawn back to you began uncontrollably giggling from the seat opposite him.

"what's so funny?" he asked, trying to peak over at your screen.

you teasingly held the phone out of his reach, a playful smile etched on your lips with the twinkle in your eyes. "just sofía. pablo walked in on her changing."

trent raised an eyebrow. "they're still living together? I thought that they would've killed each other by now," he joked and you nodded your head.

"alex says that they're bound to crack under pressure any day now."

your comment had trent fighting back his laughter, mostly agreeing with the statement seeing as their personalities classed and complimented each other's in the best way possible. he didn't know much about them, but with the stories that you've told him, they needed to get a room.

when your desserts arrived your eyes lit up immediately and almost instinctively your hand reached for your phone and opened the camera. trent was just about to taint his cake when you slapped his hand away.

his eyes widened at the harsh act, looking to you with his lips parted. "what did I do?"

you rolled your eyes and continued to take pictures of the food, making sure to get every angle possible. "it's like you've never had a girlfriend before," you muttered in slight irritation.

trent on the other hand couldn't let the comment slip by, his lips tugging up into a smile. "oh? so you're my girlfriend now?"

your body tensed immediately, unable to look him in the eye as he held your flustered state under his playful gaze. the heat rushed to your cheeks quicker than you expected and to save yourself the embarrassment you remained silent to prevent stuttering.

it hadn't even been a month yet but you were definitely ready to jump into whatever he wanted. you couldn't bring yourself to say it though and decided to wait until he brought it up. which was now apparently.

after a bit of forced laughter, you scoffed. "nobody said that I wanted to cancel my trial. yet. you haven't done anything to chase me away yet either, so at least there's hope."

he rolled his eyes at your quip and watched as you continued to eat your cake, your mouth moving as you talked to him but nothing registered. instead his mother's voice sounded through his mind.

it was now or never.

"would meeting my parents be enough to chase you away?"

spamjam._.

liked by trentarnold66, sophiaamelia and 3 292 125 others

spamjam._. girlfriend core ☕️💍

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user my girlfriend core

→ user watch sofía spawn out of nowhere just to tell you stay in your lane 😭

→ fía.messi stay in your lane.

→ user I'm howling 🤣😭🤣😭🤣😭

trentarnold66 free trial coming to an end core 💍

→ spamjam._. stfu 😃

sophiaamelia if gorgeous was a person 🎀

→ spamjam._. have you seen yourself??

saffiekhan we were supposed to go to that café together!! you absolute traitor 😃

→ spamjam._. well I'm sorry that you had a date with your BOYFRIEND

→ saffiekhan this isn't about him!

→ curtisjr I don't even know why I try at this point tbh 👎🏼

"no way you got my mum flowers," trent said in awe when you got into the car, the vibrant colours of the assorted bouquet set on your lap.

you buckled your seatbelt and gave him a knowing look at the absurd remark. "of course I did. what do you take me for? an animal?"

the footballer didn't bother responding to the question and scoffed, leaning forward to kiss your cheek before heading back to his house, where his family were gathered for sunday lunch as usual.

at the café yesterday, he wasn't sure what overcame him when he asked you to join them as his mother suggested, but something swelled in his heart when you happily agreed. there was a glint of excitement and disbelief in your eyes that he couldn't help but reprocicate.

and even if you were anxious (which you definitely were) you hid it well enough for trent to feel at ease too. the two of you shared one last look of reassurance before getting out of the car and leaping head-first into something that would either be a mistake or just what you both needed.

you felt his hand slip into yours and give it a light squeeze to ease your nerves, finally opening his front door. you were familiar with his house, just not when there were other people besides the two of you inside.

a wave of nausea washed over you when you stepped into the foyer, trent's hand not letting go of yours even when his mother caught you both before you could walk any further.

the woman adorned a gleaming smile at the sight of you st her son's side, even better that he was holding onto you for dear life. "hello, jamie sweetheart," she greeted with her arms out for a hug. "it's so good to see you again."

you let go of trent's hand and gave into her embrace with an even bigger smile knowing that she was actually happy to see you. "hi, diane. it's good to see you too."

from a few steps back, trent watched with lovestruck eyes and his heart pounding in his chest at the exchange between the two of you. the look on his mother's face was so familiar— the same glint of comfort and adoration she had for him and the rest of his family.

he watched as you handed her the bouquet with diane nearly bursting into tears at the kind gesture. trent couldn't tell if he was overwhelmed or simply in love, ready to get down on knee right then and there. but it was only when the two of you walked further into the house and he was left behind in the foyer that his mother's greeting registered in his mind.

it's so good to see you again.

he didn't have time to ponder on it however and made a beeline for the living room where the rest of his family were. tyler and marcel were standing in front of the television, playfully arguing about something that didn't matter. his father was sitting on the sofa beside tyler's girlfriend olivia who had her daughter resting on her lap.

it was nothing out of the ordinary but trent couldn't find the words lodged in his throat, only managing to watch you greet the rest of his family members who were more than delighted to meet you.

you were familiar with tyler and marcel after having run into them a few times at matches, but this was your first time meeting olivia. the happily handed her daughter over to her father-in-law to stand up and properly greet you with a hug, complimenting your outfit before you could compliment hers.

"and this angel must be aura," you cooed and bent down slightly to tickle her stomach earning a slight giggle from the infant. "there's not a second that goes by where your uncle isn't talking about you and I can see why."

you look up at olivia with a smile. "I love her name. it's gorgeous."

she waved her hand in front of her face at the compliment again. "thank you. it's been in my notes app since I was in year 10."

your lips parted at the familiar answer and you immediately reached for your phone. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours..."

"shut up, deal. tyler watch aura, jamie and I are heading to the kitchen to help with lunch," olivia said hurriedly took you by the hand and led you to the kitchen without further discussion.

you didn't even spare trent a final look before you were swept away, the comfort finally setting in around the family. trent was still stood silent in the archway of the living room, watching as your figure disappeared further into the house as your laughter rung through the air along with olivia's.

"ew, he's in love," tyler commented with a face of disgust, completely disregarding the fact that he had a girlfriend and a daughter.

the afternoon progressed smoothly with you and olivia helping diane in the kitchen (you spent a good 40 minutes talking about absolute nonsense). it got to the point where you forgot that trent was somewhere in the living room.

"you've never been?"

olivia shook her head at your question and sighed. "I haven't had the time. aura is literally all I see 24/7."

a small frown took place on your lips. "leave her with tyler for a few hours. I'll tell you when I'm free and we can try it out. I'll make it my mission that you see the light of day again."

the rest of the afternoon was filled with laughter and getting to know each other. your main fear was that you were going to be interrogated about every single part of your life, but it was nothing like that. instead, the questions were out of genuine intrigue.

"have you always wanted to venture into sports marketing?" michael asked, from one end of the dinner table and you eagerly nodded.

"I wanted to work in the industry one way or another," you said with a genuine smile. "I wasn't too keen on journalism, so when I started gaining a following online I thought that I might as well put it to good use."

michael hummed in acknowledgement and looked at trent with a smile from beside you. "well if you hadn't then I'm sure you wouldn't be sitting here right now."

diane laughed at her husband's comment, taking notice of the blush on her son's face as his brothers teased him. the entire afternoon she couldn't help but watch in awe at how he acted around you.

it made her heart ease knowing that he acted comfortably around you, how he could joke and tease you with you doing it back with just as much playfulness. even at the dinner table, when you spoke he couldn't keep his eyes off you and listened attentively.

a blush rose to your cheeks at marcel's question about when you started to develop feelings for his brother. trent shot him a glare from across the table but you waved him off, giving him a moment to think even though you knew exactly when it was.

you leant back in your seat casually and nudged trent's arm. "he kicked me with a ball during training. it hit my arm and there was this huge bruise for two weeks."

"trent john alexander-arnold!" diane gawked in shock, turning to him with a disappointed look, causing him to raise his hands in defence. "how could you do that??"

"it wasn't on purpose!" he defended and looked at you beside him, the smile etched on your phase because you knew exactly what you were doing. "jamie, you said it didn't even hurt."

you shrugged your shoulders. "I didn't want to make you feel bad. you were already bummed over the injury."

tyler laughed at the memory of his brother's hamstrings injury last year. "I remember that. he was so depressed, ugh take me back. life was so good back then."

"tyler don't say that, you know how upset it makes him," olivia scolded her boyfriend, slapping him on the arm but he had no regrets and let the comment stand.

trent sent her a grateful look, but you couldn't help but laugh. "you think that was bad?" a laugh escaped your lips. "you should've seen how he waddled down the stairs at the training center."

the rest of the dinner table burst into laughter, except for trent of course who was covering his face in embarrassment. not sure of who's side you were on in this case. and it only got worse when you showed them the video of you and dominik shutting the elevator door before be could make it in.

the cheeky laughter of both you and his best friend brought back the memory, the video perfectly showing just how pathetic he was when trying to catch up, but obvious didn't make it.

it was a bit before 5 p.m and aura had just woken up from her nap when you all gathered in the living room. the saudi arabian grand prix played as a form of entertainment as you sat with trent's head resting on your shoulder while aura sat on your lap, occupying herself with the rings on your fingers.

"oh, come on these mercedes drivers are going to be the death of me," michael said in frustration, gradually bringing the conversation around to the mechanics of the car and how the season hadn't been too good so far.

you were fairly quiet for bit, watching the rave with immense concentration until you were pleasantly surprised. "oh my gosh!" your excitement made both aura and trent jump up, but you were too busy taking pictures of alex on the screen to bother.

"sorry, you know how I get when I see alex show up at races," you apologised and trwnt shook his head, resting it back onto your shoulder.

"you talk to her every waking moment of the day, you're insane," he said, still not understanding how you could get so giddy just by seeing her on screen.

olivia looked at you with her eyes widened. "you know her?"

you nodded with a proud smile. "she's one of my best friends. just haven't seen her in a while."

"oh, so you're famous famous," marcel added. "how did trent even manage to catch your eye??"

after the race, you found yourself helping diane with the dishes. well that was until trent decided to interrupt the moment to which his mother happily leave you two be, a fond smile on her face as she left the kitchen.

the two of you didn't exchange any words for a few minutes and instead packed away the dishes in silence, your bodies moving in a familiar motion that happened quite often at your own home when he helped you with cleaning.

you took a moment to breathe, leaning back on the counter as trent finished up the last of the utensils. a fond smile formed on your face for some reason but you didn't fight it and kept your attention on him even when be caught on.

he quirked a brow in confusion. "why are you looking at me like that?" he took a few steps towards you.

"looking at you like what?" you teased and he eventually stopped in front of you, casually draping his hands around your waist as if there was any sort of privacy.

you didn't fight it though.

the footballer rolled his eyes jokingly, unable to believe that you still had the energy to joke with him after outing him multiple times today. he was sure that at some point his face was unable to remain any other colour besides red with the way that he was blushing.

"you know what?"

your question raised even more confusion but he nodded slightly, allowing you to carry on with whatever you wanted to say.

"I think it's time to clear up the fog," you said and took a deep breath. "I like the way that we work."

trent's lips parted and he went immobile for nearly a minute. the words that came from his lips made no sense, to the point where you had to pinch him. suddenly he let go of you and walked to the other end of the room, purpose in his stride as he shut the kitchen door and locked it.

oh, shit.

he was frantic with his movements and you were struggling to keep up until he took your hands into his and gave you a look. "are you sure?"

"100%." you retorted with so much confidence, making trent's smile widen in excitement, the twinkle in his eyes nearly losing you.

"jamie," he started softly, gaining your attention. "would you like to--"

he didn't even get to finish his sentence before your lips were on his, ever so thankful that he locked the door so that you could cherish the moment properly.

your body melted under his touch, the feeling of his lips tugging into a smile having your heart pounding harder than it ever had before. all those months of uncertainty led up to this moment— late-night drives, weeks without talking to each other, advice from your friends. everything led up to this feeling of bliss and relief.

when you pulled away you were both breathless, with childlike smiles and laughter sounding through the room that you felt your tension drip away in.

spamjam._.

liked by landonorris, fía.messi and 2 224 937 others

spamjam._. spot my girlfriend 🤭

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landonorris help. HELP ME (you look good but please answer my messages)

→ spamjam._. security!!!

trentarnold66 spot my girlfriend

→ fía.messi bro stfu that's my line. get a life or something! [liked by spamjam._.]

user @trentarnold66 UHM WHAT DID HE SAY??? HE'S KIDDING RIG&/??

→ user I THREW UP

→ trentarnold66 I was talking about the car 😭

→ user oh... OH

→ user he's just a man fr 😔

alexandrasaintmleux I was smiling at the camera because I knew you were watching ml xx [liked by spamjam._.]

→ spamjam._. I love you ❤️

charles_leclerc please stop stealing my girlfriend 🙏🏻 [liked by spamjam._.]

[foot-tea]

Trent AA anything about him? Seems kinda lowkey to me

He once had his snaps leaked. I think he was texting a pregnant woman ?? (Correct me if I am wrong). The texts were hilarious. These boys flirt like teens honestly. Stop saving chat was an iconic line from that snap. A lot of people are saying he rejected Dua lipa. But idk where that rumour even came from because it is just so outlandish ? Is it because they are both Brits ? Trent is quite a fuckboy but he keeps things downlow and is not particularly messy either. He takes part in social welfare programs due to his own will likr the After academy and not just for Pr purposes but that is true for quite a few liverpool players too. Overall seems like a good lad honestly.

[eurovision-facts]

Eurovision Fact #523:

La Zarra (France, 2023) wrote her song "Évidemment" with Benny Adam and producers Banx & Ranx, who have created hot songs for artists like Dua Lipa.

[Source]

Participants of Liverpool 2023: La Zarra, Eurovision.tv.

[nearmidnightannex]

Eurovision: still a gift, still giving

Cha cha cha! Eurovision stars dominate UK Top 10 after record-breaking final (theguardian.com) Safi Bugel Fri 19 May 2023 18.05 BST

Winning singer Loreen reaches No 2 and fan favourite Käärijä earns first ever Finnish-language hit in the UK

For the first time in UK chart history, four songs from the Eurovision song contest have entered the Top 10 at once.

Representing Sweden, this year’s winner Loreen has reached the No 2 spot with her entry Tattoo, a bombastic pop-meets-EDM ballad which explores themes of love and acceptance. It’s the second time the singer has won Eurovision and the second time she’s entered the UK chart: her last winning entry, Euphoria, peaked at Number 3 in 2012...

[...] Joining Loreen is Finland’s Käärijä at No 6. The neon-bolero-clad vocalist became a fan favourite at the Liverpool-hosted final on Saturday night with his exhilarating performance of Cha Cha Cha, a romp through sleazy industrial sounds and high-camp Eurodance which landed him second place. The achievement also marks the first time a fully Finnish-language song has made the UK charts in its 71-year history.

Despite coming second to last in the final, the UK’s entry Mae Muller has clocked in at No 9 this week with I Wrote a Song, her Dua Lipa-esque mashup of sugary pop and Ibizan tech house. “It’s been a weird couple of days, but this has just been such an amazing end to my Eurovision journey,” she said. “I’m so, so grateful.”

Norway representative Alessandra follows at No 10 with her epic avant-pop anthem Queen of Kings, which reached fifth place on Saturday....

I am very glad that “Cha cha cha” is finding different audiences and being successful outside Eurovision itself. (’Cause he wuz robbed!) (Also, weirdly impressed that the Guardian ran with the main image being Kaarija rather than Loreen, given everything. They may be as surprised as I was to hear that an entirely Finnish-language song was making it big in British radio and radio-like substances. That said, describing “Tattoo” as “a bombastic pop-meets-EDM ballad” would seem to indicate that maybe it wasn’t their favorite.)

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 20/04/2024 (Sabrina Carpenter, Dua Lipa, Perrie Edwards)

Hozier sticks to a second week at #1 on the UK Singles Chart with “Too Sweet” and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we start with our notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75 - which is what I cover - after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we actually have a bit of a massacre so we must bid adieu to: “7 Minute Drill” by J. Cole (that one we literally say farewell to, it’s been deleted), “Cinderella” by Future and Metro Boomin featuring Travis Scott, “Make You Mine” by Madison Beer, “CARNIVAL” by Hitler and Goebbels featuring Rich the Kid and Playboi Carti, “Made for Me” by Muni Long, “bye” and “yes, and?” by Ariana Grande, “Would You (go to bed with me?)” by Campbell and Alcemist, assisted by a remix with Caity Baser, “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong, yes, really, “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift and finally, even though we all know it’ll be back, “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers.

It actually turns out that the most interesting stories here outside of the top 10 and new tracks… are the returning entries, because there are quite a few, they’re quite high and also quite - at least tangentially - related to a cultural event. Firstly, we have the release of a biopic revolving around the late singer Amy Winehouse who has captivated audiences long after death and the recent release of Back to Black, as well as its soundtrack, mostly a compilation of Winehouse’s songs and her influences, has propelled the studio album of the same name to #22 on the album chart whilst giving some of her legacy catalogue a solid boost. The song of the same name, “Back to Black”, had several initial runs from 2007 to 2008, peaking at “only” #25, but returned with stride after her passing to find a new peak of #8 in 2011. At #1 that week was “She Makes Me Wanna” by JLS featuring Dev. The charts don’t always reflect what music actually stands the test of time, let’s just say that. Today, it’s at #51. An even more storied chart run comes in at #44 with “Valerie” by Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse. Ronson’s version largely eclipsed the original Zutons version released the year before. The Liverpool indie rock outfit peaked at #9 with their version, whilst Nelly Furtado’s “Maneater” topped the charts, but by the time Ronson and Winehouse came along, the chart was instead reigned by Sugababes with “About You Now”, which halted “Valerie” from hitting #1. Similarly to “Back to Black”, it did return to the chart after her passing though not very high, so I assume that it must have some degree of prominence in the biopic, I’ve yet to see it.

As for our two other re-entries, they somehow have even more chart history dragged into them, so bear with me. Paul Simon wrote “The Sound of Silence” and recorded the track as a member of Simon & Garfunkel in 1964, and despite this being the most prominent and successful version, hitting #1 Stateside, it somehow never once appeared on the UK Singles Chart in any form until long after, specifically in 1966 when an Irish pop group The Bachelors covered it, basically taking any steam off of the original by peaking at #3. The Spencer Davis Group’s “Somebody Help Me” was #1 at the time. It wouldn’t appear on the charts again until damn near half a century later in 2012, when viral acoustic singer Kina Grannis took it to #93. However, and I really wish I couldn’t say this, the most successful cover may be from nu metal band Disturbed, who reached mainstream success worldwide by covering the track in 2016, by then it had been thoroughly memed to death as well as being a long-term pop staple, yet it still worked. Their mediocre version peaked at #29 and now it’s back at #47 because of an inexplicable, practically unlistenable house remix by Australian DJ CYRIL that Paul Simon could probably sue for murder. I didn’t like the Disturbed version, but this is a new level of groanworthy.

As for our final re-entry, we should look towards the album charts, wherein Oasis’ 1994 debut Definitely Maybe is actually down a full positions, lower than other Oasis albums. The irony in that is that it’s the iconic Britpop band’s 20th anniversary this past week, with them releasing special physical editions of their debut single “Supersonic” to mark the occasion. It never really peaked that high to begin with, only at #31, but it did stick around and return for several runs for basically most of the 1990s, only to return once again this week as our highest re-entry at #42.

The gains are a lot less interesting but there are still a handful of notable boosts, namely “Jump” by Tyla, Gunna and Skillibeng up to #38, “Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan at #33, “I Don’t Wanna Wait” by David Guetta and OneRepublic at #25 (Jesus Christ), and finally, “Hell n Back” by Bakar nearing its old peak at #21.

This week, our top five on the UK Singles Chart consists of: “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” by Beyoncé holding at #5, “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims floating at #4, “i like the way you kiss me” by Artemas smooching its way up to #3, Benjamin of Boontown is at #2 with “Beautiful Things” and of course, Hozier still at #1. Now, there’s actually quite a lot to discuss in our new entries, despite the fact that Taylor is still a week away yet, in fact this might end up the more interesting week because no-one is dropping the same day as her. So let’s review them, shall we?

New Entries

#49 - “We Still Don’t Trust You” - Future and Metro Boomin featuring The Weeknd

Produced by Metro Boomin, Peter Lee Johnson and MIKE DEAN

Yup, all of our new entries are within the top 50 this week, and most of them well into the highest reaches of the chart. Given Taylor only has three songs coming next week, I’m pretty excited for a from-the-top shake-up that won’t be immediately torn down… at least until the temporary Eurovision blockade, but we’ll deal with that when it comes to it. For now, I had only heard one of the songs debuting this week before today, and it was this one, the intro and title track to the second of the Future-Metro collaboration tapes, which debuted at #11 on the albums chart this week. Not every track hits on this second album, but if you remember what I thought about the first album, you’d recall I preferred the hazier, more melodically-focused pop-trap that was prevalent through the middle section, and this new record is essentially an extended version of just that with a triumphant victory lap full of bangers on the back-half bonus disc to balance things out. Future is a lot more emotive, Metro is delivering beautiful cloudy soundscapes, and the hooks are catchier than ever, though it’s not nearly as immediate so I understand that it performed less successfully even if it is a damn shame. It also means we only have the first track here, which is barely even a song ultimately, more so an extended, hallucinatory introduction blending punchy synthpop drums with garbled psuedo-hooks about freaky girls from Future, a looming falsetto from The Weeknd over a borderline nu-disco groove and semi-verses that don’t really form into a complete song. In the album context, this is a brilliant introduction to where the album will take you: a late-night drive taking your mind off “the hoes” so to speak. As a charting single by itself, it’s honestly just weird. Other than being the intro to an album most people I imagine didn’t finish all the way through, I don’t understand why “All to Myself” didn’t take this one’s place. I guess it didn’t have the video treatment but regardless, weird single to push, even if it’s a great moment.

#46 - “KiKi (What Would Drizzy Say?)” - D-Block Europe

Produced by Eight8, Harry Beech and Ari Beats

Well, Drake’s in the news thanks to all the dissing back and forth so being the young brilliant entrepreneurs they are, DBE pushed out a song with him in the title, in a vague reference to Drake’s own “What Would Pluto Do” but a much less vague, openly cheap interpolation of Drake’s “In My Feelings”, and the chart history did not stop with our re-entries as if there’s a coherent theme with some of these new tracks, it’s egregious referencing. “In My Feelings” samples a plethora of tracks in the first place, but none as explicitly as DBE have riffed from it here. The original spent four weeks at #1, but I don’t see Young Adz’s nasal auto-croon rendition getting any higher than #46. I actually feel kind of relieved with this because this is back to the stupid, barely functioning DBE of old (and by old, I mean the late 2010s), with a terrible bass mastering job, overly loud flutes that nearly drown out Adz himself attempting to sing his way out of his lack of content, in the same melody as Drake’s chorus until he just starts talking instead midway through. Some of the 2020s improvements are actually present here though; Youthful Advertisements has much tighter rhyme schemes once he actually starts rapping, and they aren’t as audibly out of tune or beat with everything else as they probably would be if they tried this out when the original was big. He also puts a shell in his back like he’s a turtle, tells the girl to close her mouth and leads into Dirtbike Lb’s small contribution, a brief, half-dead and wordy verse that still washes Adz: this is what I’ve come to expect from the duo. There’s not much of an attempt at wordplay but cool turns of phrase that kind of imply he thinks Hermés is the name of the crocodile they killed to make the bag and not just the brand name… they’re good enough. This is good fun.

#41 - “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” - Shaboozey

Produced by Nevin and Sean Cook

Okay, if we’re going to sample egregiously, this is how we do it: not trying to play it off as a completely new song but not serving in the exact same lane and purpose as the original. Instead, let’s make unabashed re-recordings and reimaginings that don’t necessarily modernise or improve the song, and don’t set out to, instead crafting a different experience from the same fundamentals. Now I don’t like the original 2004 track “Tipsy” by J-Kwon mostly because of, well, J-Kwon being useless, but there’s a great hook to it, especially the radio edit, and the beat making up nearly entirely of weird sound effects over a distorted clap sample is pretty clever. The original “Tipsy” peaked at #4 for two weeks, whilst “Lola’s Theme” by the Shapeshifters was #1, and later The Streets’ “Dry Your Eyes”. Shaboozey, a singer featured on Beyoncé’s latest pivot, has taken advantage of that extra traction to completely reimagine the chorus of “Tipsy” and its general conceit of having fun at a gathering to take your mind off problems, especially with girls… but there’s a lot of depth added through the extra populist twist thanks to the financial troubles referenced in the verses, and some particularly really smart intricacies like turning the counting gimmick into counting the rounds of drinks at the bar. He recontextualises a basically meaningless gimmick into something that is a lot more resonant, and that’s really special. Sonically, it feels like a bit more organic stomp-clap soarer, and isn’t really all that special, but the inspired interpolation of “Tipsy”, alongside some great strings in the post-chorus, makes this what it is, and it doesn’t run out of tricks. The shift to a rap flow in the second verse to continue the momentum is brilliant, the spoken backing vocals amidst the multi-tracked crowd hook, which I almost wish was even louder, is a fun idea… and that’s before that final chorus where it breaks down and becomes a true drink-a-long. Sure, this may be a reimagined version of a song I don’t like really at all, but it goes far beyond just that and creates a new experience not just as a cover but as a separate entity entirely that embraces and benefits from its referencing. This is how you do sampling in pop, it’s excellent. I hope this is a smash.

#35 - “These Words” - Badger and Natasha Bedingfield

Produced by Badger

Alright, once again, we have a sample, this time with Natasha Bedingfield’s “These Words”, that other song you might remember from the album that parents “Unwritten”. What you may not remember is that whilst this hasn’t had nearly as much longevity as the title track, it actually peaked much higher, debuting at #1 and topping the charts for two weeks in 2004. This is in spite of it being complete garbage. I like meta narratives in pop music when done well and outside of its camp, it can be genuinely difficult to get through the jerky, dated production and somewhat embarrassing performance, especially lyrically, from Bedingfield. I understand the appeal, and the writing isn’t really a deal-breaker usually, but it’s especially striking to me when the actual music behind her quest to find the best words for her love song… just plainly sucks. Come 2024 and enter UK garage producer Badger, who remixes the track, crediting Bedingfield on streaming but for whatever reason not on the Official Charts page, and I have to say, completely stripping this catchy hook outside of its tedious context is another inspired reimagining, mostly because it turns the “I love you, I love you” refrain into a muffled, glitchy funfest over some of the most detailed, hyperactive 2-step drums I’ve heard on the charts in a while, alongside a hazier synthscape that really shines against the rawer vocal from Bedingfield. Once again, modern artists turn a song from the 2000s I never really liked into a completely different experience, in this case completely removing you from Bedingfield’s narrative to fully envelop you in the euphoric end goal she hints towards in the original. Hope this takes off too.

#31 - “Tell Ur Girlfriend” - Lay Bankz

Produced by Johnny Goldstein

Speaking of taking off, it seems we finally have the inevitable breakout single for Lay Bankz. I’ve been paying attention to her casual flexing and dismissal of pretty much anything else over firy, fast-paced Philly club bangers for a while now, probably since I discovered “Na Na Na”, and it did seem like TikTok would grant her an easy hit any moment now. She finally got it with “Tell Ur Girlfriend” and here, if you don’t remember the specific production elements of its original material, you might not recognise this has yet another interpolation. I wasn’t a fan of Ginuwine’s 1996 track “Pony” for a long time because I felt its dissonance harmed its ability to be a sex jam but… let’s be real, rarely do sex jams actually succeed without being in some way disruptive due to awkward lyrics or stagnant beats. Once I learned to shut up and appreciate Timbaland’s vocoder burping that calls itself a bassline, all was right in my world. It peaked at #16 over here in 1997 and did have a shelf life extending to an EDM remix peaking at #39 in 2015. Bankz and Goldstein don’t really make much use of “Pony”’s fundamentals rhythm or melody-wise, outside of that out of place vocoder burp that is repurposed as a measure-demarcating stab over a comically jerky, sing-songy synth that slows down the pace enough for a 2-step-influenced 2000s throwback, Destiny’s Child-esque, not to rap but closer to R&B. Bankz surprises me to a degree with just how effortlessly she swaps between faster jabs to the smooth choruses, and it almost makes me forget that this is a song about mutual cheating. Does it justify that? No. And who cares? They’re having toxic fun over the Ginuwine “Pony” vocal burp and some of the ugliest synths to hit the top 40 in years, this is not morally righteous in any regard. It’s just pure, sweaty, regretful fun and does not waste any of its two-minute runtime trying to justify itself, and given this whole song is a sarcastic power move about how they should probably tell their partners they’re sleeping with each other, I don’t think she cares in the slightest.

#10 - “Forget About Us” - Perrie

Produced by Steve Solomon and Andrew Goldstein

Okay, the samplefest ended up going pretty fantastically, so I have some hopes for the trio of pop girlies we have lined up all debuting in the top 10, starting with the solo debut from Perrie Edwards of the former girl group Little Mix. She’s always been one of the most prominent vocal talents in the group, so regardless of if the song actually works, there’s going to be power here, and that’s guaranteed, even with an Ed Sheeran writing credit and a compressed to Hell and back mix. In this soarer, Perrie’s ex has become a successful singer after the breakup and Perrie is begging for them to never forget about what they lost in the relationship, especially given how neither seem all that over this relationship and its fallout. There’s a propelling pop rock drive to this, even if the lack of electric grit may harm it a tad, not letting it get into truly bitter territory… which might actually be for the best. Ms. Edwards sounds great belting here but there is a level of restraint in all the acoustic swell that might sing closer to the desperate content, acknowledging the flaws in the relationship and that it is over, but that it should, please, stick to them as a memory. A less kind approach may have flattened its overall sincerity, so even if sonically, I’m not over the Moon about this, I can recognise that this is a tightly-written, excellently performed little pop rock jam that will serve as a good introduction to the solo career. I just want to hear where it goes next.

#9 - “Illusion” - Dua Lipa

Produced by Kevin Parker and Danny L Harle

Okay, Dua, let’s be straightforward. Mixing PC Music’s wildcard Danny L Harle with Tame Impala should lead to much more interesting music than what we’ve heard from Radical Optimism - a disgraceful album title - so far, and I won’t lie and say what has been put out post-”Houdini” hasn’t been somewhat disappointing. I was hoping that “Illusion” could take a bit of a different step, tap into some less recognisable territory for Dua, and whilst it may not have done that exactly, it’s definitely much more interesting. Harle and Parker go for a much tighter house groove here, with elevated pianos, chips of percussion that end up much more minimal under the looming vocal loops and progressive electronic synth beeping, maybe much less impactful than you’d expect. So where’s that in the content? Well, Dua sings about disappointment, playing off a façade placed up by this guy who’s just not impressing her at all, as she’s growing up from just being reckless with her lovers. It’s in the same vein as “Training Season” but with a more unique and honestly more fitting soundscape for that kind of romantic disillusionment, especially given a major conceit of the bridge is that she’s still going to dance all night with that illusion, she still gives in despite her best interests. It also has a ridiculous synth solo slabbed right in for no reason. Genius. Inspiring.

#6 - “Espresso” - Sabrina Carpenter

Produced by Julian Bunetta

I really have not been going into Sabrina Carpenter singles that chart with high expectations or really any expectation that I’ll enjoy it, and she keeps proving me wrong, but not in the way that say Dua just did. No, Ms. Carpenter shares more in common with D-Block Europe in that the appeal, at least for me, comes in the lack of subtlety and disregard for functioning outside of existing pop tropes, whilst still thoroughly embarrassing her public image, cycling around enough for me to be unironically on board. Like “Nonsense” was a plain rip-off that ended up surviving beyond the genuine article on comedy alone, and “Feather” is as light as possible, no pun intended, yet still pinches at you with its infestation of hooks, “Espresso” is emphatically stupid. “Switch it up like Nintendo”? “My give-a-fucks are on vacation”? “I know I Mountain Dew it for ya”? “MOUNTAIN DEW IT FOR YA”? It reminds me all too much of Selena Gomez’s nu-disco embarrassment “Love On”, but instead of selling the cringe with sheer forcefulness, which did surprisingly work for the incredibly limited vocalist Selena is, Sabrina plays the guitar licks and downright invasive pre-chorus synths off with utter, robotic dismissal. Sure, there’s vocal riffing and harmonising, but the main vocal line in the chorus is a multi-tracked, reverb-drenched, Melodyne-controlled nursery rhyme, and it doesn’t escape that lane for nearly all of its three minutes. There are spoken word interludes where she acknowledges the stupidity of the song and its content, but it’s always breezy and lacking in the cringe that would come with it if she cared much at all. The deadpan “Yes” ad-libs in the pre-chorus, and the detail put into the production, are what really sell this to me though. It’s orchestrated to make it seem like she doesn’t care, but there is an entire team twisting the knobs to turn that faux carelessness to a seamless radio edit… and well, they need a raise. She’s done it again. This is ridiculous.

Conclusion

She doesn’t get the Best of the Week though because that, far and above, goes to Shaboozey for “A Bar Song (Tipsy)”, and the Honourable Mention… well, I can’t give out a Worst of the Week at all here. Or even a Dishonourable Mention. Sure, Perrie’s song is a bit generic and maybe my enjoyment of the DBE track is purely for the comedy factor, but I still thoroughly enjoyed my time with them, so I’m just going to tie the Honourable Mention between “These Words” by Badger and well, “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter, which is shaping up to thankfully be huge. As for what’s on the horizon… Taylor Swift and Drake. It’s back to the big leagues in the next episode but for now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week!

[gaymer-hag-stan]

Meet the 2023 Liverpool Eurovision Artists

La Zarra from France 🇫🇷

Hold on to your disco balls! La Zarra is bringing Hollywood glamour to Eurovision.

A self-taught musician, this chanteuse channels the style of Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe, with a healthy dose of Édith Piaf’s sense of tragedy. Also added for good measure is a sprinkling of Lady Gaga’s postmodernism. The result? A timeless Parisian disco queen.

La Zarra penned her Eurovision entry Évidemment alongside writer Benny Adam, with legendary producers Banx & Ranx who have been responsible for mega hits performed by the likes of David Guetta, Dua Lipa and Ellie Goulding.

Watching their mother perform from home will be La Zarra’s two sphynx cats and her parrot.

[khevlfc]

Dua Lipa x Alisson Becker x Lana del Rey

[underthecitysky]

IT was a real family affair when Stella McCartney showcased her autumn/winter collection at LIPA (Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts) yesterday. ECHO Features Editor Jane Haase had a front row seat ...

“GRANDAD,” shouted the little boy in delight as he ran over to the man in the grey suit with the flowery shirt who leant down and gave him a hug.

He might be one of the most famous men in the world but he was just grandad to the toddler who wanted a cuddle.

The McCartney clan were out in force for a special fashion show by Sir Paul’s designer daughter Stella, held just a few hours before the Beatles legend rocked a 36,000 strong crowd at Anfield.

Stella had chosen to unveil her autumn/winter collection at Lipa as a celebration of the city’s Capital of Culture year.

Her children – son Miller, three; 18-month-old daughter, Bailey, and four- month- old son, Beckett – were at the family event, joined by their excited cousin (lol, aunt), four-year-old Beatrice (Sir Paul’s daughter with ex-wife Heather Mills). When not sitting with her relatives the pretty blonde-haired youngster could be seen bouncing on her father’s lap.

Photographer Mike McCartney (Paul's brother), famed for his intimate portraits of The Beatles, was snapping away inside the auditorium.

On the front row were Sir Paul, with his son James on one side and Yoko Ono on the other. Next to her was George Harrison’s widow Olivia, who was in the city for a special tribute to her late husband at FACT on Friday night, as well as Beatles producer Sir George Martin.

They were being watched more than the models on stage by some members of the audience who had paid between £100 to £500 for a ticket for the event, with all proceeds going to LIPA. One keen female fan in the balcony even had her opera glasses out and trained on the A-listers.

Badges saying “Stella” with a shape of a heart and the words “L’Pool” below were given out at the entrance to guests who included Sir Peter Blake, who designed the iconic Sgt Pepper album cover, and number one WAG Coleen McLoughlin.The same message was spelled out in silver balloons suspended from the ceiling above the stage.

Liverpool singer Candie Payne, looking stunning in a thigh- skimming black mini dress, opened the afternoon show. The singer from West Derby obviously impressed Sir Paul who was spotted taking a picture of her on his mobile phone as she performed.

The fact this was no ordinary fashion showcase was evident when the models took to the catwalk. Instead of strutting their stuff these statuesque visions in dresses of varying hues of blue, grey, black and taupe played musical chairs while tottering about in what looked like 7ins platform wedges.

Amid laughter from the 380 seater auditorium, they entered into the spirit of fun as they battled it out to the thumping beat of That’s Not Your name by the Ting Tings.

As balloons descended onto the stage (with “Uncle Mike” retrieving a heart-shaped one for Beatrice) Stella appeared with a present for the winning model and thanked everyone for coming.

She joked: “I seem to have 50,000 members of my family still in this city.”

And proud dad Sir Paul, wearing his trademark suit and trainers and a Stella badge, shouted out: “Three cheers for Stella.”

Before heading off to her father’s Liverpool Sound concert with the rest of the family, Stella explained why it was important to showcase her new fashion range at LIPA, which was co-founded by Sir Paul in 1996 in the grounds of his old school, The Liverpool Institute.

She said: “It’s been a great day, especially with the concert tonight.

“I wanted to do something for LIPA because it’s my dad’s old school and I’m very proud of what he’s done here and the way he’s made the school survive.

“This show was a lot of fun and it’s great to hold it in the Capital Culture year and do my bit for the city.”

Describing her collection as “naturally sexy, naturally confidant and modern”, she added: “I don’t design for one particular woman, but I try to pick up what I think is happening around me and on the streets.

“I don’t get a chance to spend much time in Liverpool but I think Liverpool can compete with other cities.”

And what does the acclaimed fashion designer, who counts Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow as pals as well as clients, think of Liverpool girls’ style?

“I think they are great but I would say that because I’ve got a bit of Liverpool in me,” she laughed.

The Scouse gliterrati were out in force yesterday. Former Emmerdale star Sheree Murphy, wife of footballer Harry Kewell, was there along with friends, Cricket owner and ECHO columnist Justine Mills and celebrity stylist Lorraine McCullough.

Coronation Street star Alison King, who plays Carla Connor, was among the guests as was Radio City presenter Pete Price.

Dance group Flava, who were semi finalists in the TV show Britain’s Got Talent, also performed at the event.

Stella had said she had wanted to do her bit for the city in Capital of Culture year. I think the McCartney clan certainly did that yesterday.

Text copied from ohnotheydidnt on livejournal here

[liquidisedfrogs]

EUROVISION ABSOLUTE FUCKING BRAIN DUMP

Tonight, the night where... some... of Europe comes together and sings in an ..... something way, is the night I am willing to barf my brain out onto a page and commentate on the entire thing start to finish. THIS IS JUST MY OPINION!! Strap in motherfuckers....

We started the evening with the performance of last year's winner Ukraine (MWAH) starring Kate Middleton for some reason and Sam Ryder stood on top of some building in Liverpool. I had totally forgotten how earwormy that song was. I literally can't get it out of my head even now. We saw the countries come out onto stage to a very random compilation it seemed. I think Australia stole Germany's flag though.

PERFORMANCE 1 : ALBANIA- WHO THE HELL IS EDGAR? - TEYA & SALENA I'm not lying here when I say I LOVED this song. I loved how it took so much inspiration from Michael Jackson in the dance moves. The girl with the black hair was mind-blowing. Like, she was unbelievably gorgeous. I'm not saying the other one wasn't- they were both incredible. I loved how much colour and enthusiasm they seemed to have. IT WAS SO RANDOM AND I FREAKING LOVED IT. Rank no.5

PERFORMANCE 2 : PORTUGAL- AI CORAÇÃO- MIMICAT The dress. Oh my god that dress was DIVINE. I loved how like bright it was to be honest. It was just so dramatic and it felt like it had a lot of variety. I don't really know why it just really appealed to me. Her voice is DIVINE too. Rank no.6

PERFORMANCE 3 : SWITZERLAND- WATERGUN- REMO FORRER I'm not lying when I say that this song brought a tear to my eye. It was so moving but god, that guy needed to put a few more clothes on. I really liked it. Remo Forrer can sing so beatifully and yet I didn't know who he was before tonight. That low note made my jaw drop. Powerful. All I can say really. The guy also reminded me of Noah Schnapp for some goddamn insane reason. Rank no.7

PERFORMANCE 4 : POLAND- SOLO- BLANKA I had to rewatch it cause it was kind of forgettable. Felt like it had been done so much before. I don't mean any hate by this but I just didn't like it. I wasn't as WOW as other songs have been. It gave me the vibe of the Stuck In The Middle theme mixed with Despacito. It just didn't feel if you know what I mean. Rank no.23

PERFORMANCE 5 : SERBIA- SAMO MI SE SPAVA- LUKE BLACK Perfection. It was so.... I don't have words for it. It was just fantastic. It showed so much talent and I loved the Graham Norton description of the nerdiness and that definitely came across so incredibly in the performance. It was just like smoke sweat and tears. I LOVED THE VIDEO GAME BIT. It's a great song, it's a wonderful performance. It's the best. Also, take a moment to consider how fit the guy was. This was no doubt the best act in my opinion but I know not many people have the same opinions as me so I'm accepting the fact that he's probably not gonna win. Rank no.1

PERFORMANCE 6 : FRANCE- LA ZARRA- Évidement It had such a french vibe to it for some reason. It's stuck in my head. I really enjoyed it to be honest. The outfit was genuinely on point and the vocals were stunning. The chorus kinda gave me Dua Lipa vibes but there's nothing wrong with that is there. The lyrics were kinda dramatic. Overall, I ate it up. Freaking glorious song there was just a lot of good competition. Rank no.10

PERFORMANCE 7 : CYPRUS- BREAK A BROKEN HEART- ANDREW LAMBROU Not memorable. It was quite sad. He's got a good voice, there were just better songs to be honest. It was quite repetetitive. I didn't enjoy it particularly it was just there. A few more layers would be nice. He sung quite high and it wasn't necessarilly appealing. THE FIRE THO. That arena must have been so hot. His voice at the end was beautiful, fight me. Rank no.16

PERFORMANCE 8 : SPAIN- EAEA- BLANCA PALOMA The bit at the beginning with the vocalisations (I think that's what they're called) was incredible. It gave off quite a middle eastern movie vibe which I wasn't expecting from Spain. Her top genuinely looked like it had been melted by heat which made me laugh. It gave off a Satanic ritual vibe. I liked the song but the electronic parts really didn't fit her talented and gorgeous voice. Rank no.22

PERFORMANCE 9 : SWEDEN- TATTOO- LOREEN I loved the vibes she gave off espescially in the introduction bit to the song, she looked like a batty pintrest witch which is a look I adore. Her hair was just stunning but for some reason it didn't look real, I don't know. THE NAILS!! God, they were so long. Her whole set was just tattooine(hmm maybe she thought about that) to me. It gave Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus. I really liked it. The whole song was so nice. There's not really any other way to say it than that. I really liked it though. I'm happy it was her that won. Rank no.12

PERFORMANCE 10 : ALBANIA- DUJE- ALBINA & FAMILJA KELMENDI I really looked forward to this one because it was a family quite like me and my siblings but I felt quite sorry because only one of the girls really got to sing in it. You could tell who was the favourite child. I loved the sister's outfits and the bit where it basically turned into the parents' love song was great. It was a good performance but it wasn't anything special. Rank no.15

10 down, 16 to go!

PERFORMANCE 11 : ITALY- DUE VITA- MARCO MENGONI I liked the top, make me one. He has a gorgeous voice. It was quite moving in some ways but I did get distracted by the trampoline guys in the back. I LOVED THEM. The lyrics were a bit random, I had it on translating subtitles. It was okay, I didn't think it was anything special though. It was a sway with your arms in the air type of song. He's such a good singer, I swear, I just didn't love the song. Rank no.19

PERFORMANCE 12 : ESTONIA- BRIDGES- ALIKA It was a magical song. I really enjoyed how it gave off fairy Elsa vibes for some reason. I don't really have many words it was just lovely. She has such an incredible voice. I loved her outfit as well it was fabulous. It was just a gorgeous song, I really liked it. She has such a powerful voice. It was divine. Rank no.8

PERFORMANCE 13 : FINLAND- CHA CHA CHA- KÄÄRIJÄ If you're here for a specific song, it's probably gonna be this one. The hulk forgets to put on his chestpiece and he's on the stage at Eurovision singing a heavy-metal-techno-pop number. I still can't understand what the fuck this song was about. It's really confusing but it's a bop. I'm just blasting out CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA in my brain the whole time. I really liked it. It was a proper random Eurovision song and I LIVE for em. The guy's got a good voice on him though, the prolonged shouting must have been hard. Rank no.9

PERFORMANCE 14 : CZECHIA- MY SISTER'S CROWN- VESNA It gave ballet recital gone wrong for me. It sounded a bit too like the winning song from last year for my liking but it was incredible with the harmonies. I didn't really get the hair message. They were doing feminism stuff but sticking directly to the gender roles traditionally set which I didn't understand. It was powerful and I did like it. Rank no.18

PERFORMANCE 15 : AUSTRALIA- PROMISE- VOYAGER I love watching forty odd year olds dance around on stage like they're twenty one. It felt like someone had gone through my playlist, taken the best bits from each song and melted them into a pot together. It is an anthem and I adore that. I loved the woman on guitar. She was so good. I loved the vibes it sounded like it could be in a video game and honest to god it was one of my favourites of the night. Rank no.3

PERFORMANCE 16 : BELGIUM- BECAUSE OF YOU- GUSTAPH The Boy George vibes were real. His outfit gave rich man goes on safari but there's been an incident with a red sock. It was a BOP like literally. I just wanted to do the macerena the whole time. The start bit reminded me of a musical I can't remember the name of. It was kind of repetetive which I didn't like. It was okay to be honest. Shoutout to the guy who was willing to be a furry stripper for this. Rank no.17

PERFORMANCE 17 : ARMENIA- FUTURE LOVER- BRUNETTE The singer gave me Ariana Grande vibes. It was average. It was a bit like an I'm not like other girls. She has a lovely voice but it did get quite lost in the other countries amazingnesses. It didn't really stick in my head so I had to rewatch the full thing whereas with most of the others I either don't have to watch it or I only need a memory jog. The getup was stunning. The boots should have had black laces though, it would've fit do much better. She's incredibly talented but there were better songs. Rank no.21

PERFORMANCE 18 : MOLDOVA- SOARELE ŞI LUNA- PASHA PARFENI Welcome to the stage... satanic yoga teacher. I liked it. It was so European. It was a great watch. It reminded me of the Mandolorian theme which is a massive compliment in my book. The horny women were great. (They had horns in their hair.) It was very Eurovision esque and I really liked it. It was quite funny and my little brother voted for it. Great song. Rank no.13

PERFORMANCE 19 : UKRAINE- HEART OF STEEL- TVORCHI After last year, I had very high hopes for Ukraine. I enjoyed it. I really liked all the staging it was stunning but it didn't stand out to me very much. The phantom of the opera guy got the night off though! It was a great song. It would be great at a festival, I can see it now. I don't have a ton to say about it. It was good but not mind-blowing. Rank no.14

PERFORMANCE 20 : NORWAY- QUEEN OF THE KINGS- ALESSANDRA This whole song makes make me want to yell with happiness. It just like scratches my brain for some reason. It was the only song this year that I had heard before and even though I had, it did not disappoint. I swear it was a whole vibe. Her outfit was literally straight from SIX, bite me. I loved it. I loved every second of it but there were better songs. The high note showed talent. I mean, I can do it but, but it still shows years of effort and training. Rank no.11

Only 6 left!

PERFORMANCE 21 : GERMANY- BLOOD & GLITTER- LORD OF THE LOST HUGE SLAY. I loved it. In my honest opinion, I would've loved it to be in German but I do speak German so it wouldn't be that hard to understand. They really reminded me of Ghost with the whole red satan type vibe and the song itself. The makeup was FINE! I mean that in an attractive way. The start was so INCREDIBLE. He looked and sounded quite like Bowie and if you know me, you know I love Bowie. The heavy metal singing was on point. I'm suprised that they came last because they were pretty much tied with Serbia in my book I decided the ranks at like 1 am and my 1 am thoughts are always the best. Rank no.2

PERFORMANCE 22 : LITHUANIA- STAY- MONIKA LINKYTÉ The start made me think of the Lion King- just getting that off my chest before I dive into this one. It was lovely, it was beautiful but that's not really the winning characteristics. It was incredible. It gave off the sort of 2014 'Fight Song' vibe which I feel has been done so much already. I want to be able to mark this one higher but I feel I can't because of how high rated the other songs are. Rank no.20

PERFORMANCE 23 : ISRAEL- UNICORN- NOA KIREL Before I say anything, this is just me putting my opinions out there to get them off my head. I really didn't like this song. It was weird and it wasn't a song that I enjoyed watching. It's started off okay with a slight Melanie Martinez vibe but honestly shit hit the fan pretty quickly. It turned into a feminine anthem and, to me, all those songs sound the same. The worst bit was the bit where she said watch me dance and stripped off and basically became a stripper in her dance moves. There were children watching. You can't do that. Rank no.26

PERFORMANCE 24 : SLOVENIA- CARPE DIEM- JOKER OUT This was one of my favourite songs of the night. I adored the whole performance. It was like a step back into the past when Eurovision wasn't as big of an event and they didn't have all the feathers and glitter. It felt quite wholesome to me for an unknown reason. Personally, I don't think it was Eurovision standard. It was a lot more indie than all the other songs and it popped out of the page because of that. It had a very different view and appearance to the viewers. I have listened to this song about five times this morning I like it so much. Special mention to the guitarist because you look fantabulous. Like, you're so good-looking I can't understand wether it's gender envy or attraction. I loved the fits by the way. Rank no.4

PERFORMANCE 25 : CROATIA- MAMA ŠČ- Let 3 This performance made me really uncomfortable. They looked like a rip off of the YMCA and the song wasn't that good to be honest. It was just a bunch of people's grandads singing a dumb army style song and then stripping off. It wasn't enjoyable, it was very mildly funny and I just really didn't like it. It wasn't as bad as Israel or the UK though. Rank no.24

PERFORMANCE 26 : UK- I WROTE A SONG- MAE MULLER It was really just a mid song. She doesn't have the nicest voice and the song choice emphasised that. It was really repetetive and definately deserved the ranking it got. I do feel sorry for Mae though, she must have tried so hard. The staging wasn't that appealing and her outfit didn't fit the set. I would probably rate it 5/10 if I was doing that but I'm not. There was a lot of good competition and it simply wasn't as good. Rank no.25

AND THAT'S A WRAP MY DUDES!!

I think Tattoo winning was a great descision. It isn't one I would've made but it really stood out. I do think Germany deserved a lot more than it was given and I feel extremely sorry for Spain who only got 5 points for the public because that must've hurt.

Shoutout to Sam Ryder with his really nice song at the end, I though it was great. Also, they managed to get ROGER TAYLOR for it. FREAKING ROGER TAYLOR!!!

Have a nice day/night reader and I hope you return next year for another unnecessarily long Eurovision rant.

[doux-amer]

There are some songs that you immediately associate with your club and a certain era, and for me that's "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay for the Pep era of Barça and "One Kiss" by Dua Lipa for the past chapter of the Klopp Liverpool era.

[foot-tea]

The trent - dua lipa rumour is not true 😭😭 it's just a random rumour out of nowhere. I think it's because dua lipa's song is liverpool's anthem?? So people just connected the dots and made a random rumour

It feels like some Trent fanboy wanted it to be true and it kind of blew up ig.

[maccamaniac1]

Paul in Liverpool today at LIPA grad Ceremony 😎❤️🎸🎓