#Light won't be able to get therapy anymore guys

[silvertws]

[broodyjoey]

tw // sui ideation

This house just makes me want to fucking end myself, but my therapist said that it was good when I was using my little mantra to divert the sui feelings and urges into tangible sadness instead of letting it pent up inside my mind. She said it was alright to cry but I can't even cry now, I'm constipated emotionally again...All the effort we put into making me much better at handling my emotions and defending against abuse has gone down the damn toilet during these past 2 years I haven't seen her. I feel like I can never get out of this hell hole anymore.

She used to make me feel like I was walking towards a good path, filled with progress but now that the insurance lapsed. Now that I'm no longer in therapy, I'm constantly depressed. I can't seem to get out of the house when it matters the most. Or take care of my daily personal hygiene, or eat properly. I have no appetite on most days and I can't stay afloat of my chores, I feel like I'm constantly drowning...

I need to find the time now, to crawl out of the house on time to the national clinics, with these cursed ass opening hours that nobody can make time for...I don't know how I used to be able to make it there after school, even tho my school is in a whole other district...Plus the waiting times in my town's clinic are abysmal - a whole fucking 3~5 hours mfr

That's fucking crazy, I don't even know what is the lunch hours for these cursed ass national clinics with fuck knows when opening hours...Somehow I always arrive during their break hours or when they're closing. Idk how I keep doing that but I followed the Gmap timings for it...they still kick me out early depending on the busyness of the day. I've had enough of that!! Scam opening hours, fake news...How tf do they expect people to get the necessary national clinic documents if those stupid ass national clinics won't even let me see a doctor... T.T

I need to go to the clinic soon; it'll be a whole 3 months wait for the recommendation letter to go thru and the waiting list for psych is crazy (pun not intended) long. I'm surprised anybody survives this wait. No wonder why my work friend from one of my previous jobs entered the National Mental Institute, and so did my ex, Isaac. (No real names are used online heheh :) ) My ex was having sui ideation but got thrown into the grippy sock land because he called the wrong number (I called the mental health hotline, and he called the ambulance...) Our country has the most terrible ways of handling mental health problems. You have to be raised a certain type of vigilant, to be cautious enough to skip through all these process-traps that will throw you unwillingly into the grippy sock land. I'm both vigilant and paranoid enough from my abusive childhood that I'm good at sussing out what to do to get me on the safest path to my goals. I won't say that every mentally ill person has the exact same balance of cautiousness and being able to mask so well, So well that officials gave me the green light to go for outpatient care.

Somehow I always arrive during their break hours or when they're closing; the doctor that I got was just pure luck tho. That I can't deny, but I am very good at making people think I'm fine enough to function. I don't tell my family anything vulnerable, people like me with this type of upbringing will die if someone gets a hold of my secrets. No matter how benign people with healthy childhoods think it is. I've almost been attacked by my mother for speaking well of a guy classmate and my father has accused me of dating my guy friend who is gay...wtf.

I got ratted out by my distant aunt and had to pull a gaslighting manoeuvre that I learnt from my parents, holy shit I've never hidden my meds in such an awkward position, in such a secluded place that sometimes I forget that it's there. I've also run a burn campaign against my distant aunt, just to cover up that reveal. Sorry not sorry, if you put my wellbeing in danger, you're done. Dead to me. I warned her against informing my parents but she didn't listen. I don't want someone to get away with such actions against me. I don't need such people attacking my well-being in my life, especially not when I'm from an Asian country and will have to live with my parents even when I'm married.

That shit will have me killed, not even my distant aunt, no matter that she's also mentally ill, NOBODY should treat my safety as a damn joke.

[desolatedpigeon]

CW: descriptive suicidal thoughts, slight mention of drug abuse

As I sit in my room, covered in blankets that I should wash again, a thought occurs to me. I look up from my laptop and look over at my soccer scarves. The air is stuffy in here. A few rays of sunlight come in through the curtains. Thanks to them, I can see the smoke in my room. I should smoke less. But then a thought occurs to me: why am I still alive? It's not as if I've never tried. So to end it. Or to live. Every now and then I feel like I'm missing someone. Or something. There are many things I miss. My ex-fiancé, my first cat, my first dog, the special musician, my third dog, that guy whose name is the name of my favorite beer. I miss things, moments, a future that won't exist. Not because there is no future. But because this future doesn't exist. Much more the different futures that I would have liked to have. I also realize that I currently have no reason to believe in a future at all.

But what I miss most is myself. Basically, I don't even exist. Well, I do exist, I breathe, I go to the toilet like any other person. I eat, I have feelings, I think. My skin flakes come off and turn to dust. But something is missing. Something has been taken from me. You can't really say who took it. Maybe the people who abused me. Maybe myself. Maybe the people who have been insulting me for years and spreading lies about me. Most likely all of the above. If something is broken, you should fix it.

But can I even be repaired? I don't think so. I don't think I'll ever be able to cope with anything. Maybe with really good therapy. But no one promises that it will work. There's no cure for borderline (as far as I know). Some people are missing an arm, I'm missing me. There's no prosthesis for me.

My gaze glides around the room I'm sitting in. I see fan merchandise from clubs, a Ukrainian flag, posters and flags from bands, a TV, a Playstation 4 and all kinds of other stuff. And garbage, lots of garbage. A thought comes into my head. I don't think I can do it all anymore. I plan how I can stop myself from calling for help if I pop pills again. I think about it like it's the most normal thing in the world.

I could lock me in from the inside and put the key somewhere I can't reach it. Or throw it out of the window.

Or put my phone up somewhere so I can't reach it. The battery should also be empty so that I have to charge it for a few minutes before I can switch it on. In that time, I might pass out.

Besides, what if I wake up again?

The last time was in hospital and I was actually relatively well. But is it the same when you wake up at home after a high dose of the drug in question? That must be terrible. I'm not afraid of death. Only of dying and the danger of waking up again and pretending that nothing has happened.

I briefly imagine what it would be like if I simply didn't wake up. And my heart suddenly becomes very light and everything feels good. As if someone had lifted all the weight off me. I even smile for a brief moment. I am carefree. Everything would finally be over.

Then I realize that I have probably just decided to give up again. That I'm going to get some more pills and leave this life. My gaze goes to my fan scarves, then to the flag and finally to my favorite player's jersey. I'm going to miss these things. Well, actually I won't, as I wouldn't be here anymore. But I don't want them to end up in the trash either. I could give them away before I die, but what if I do survive? Again, it's a difficult thought. But actually, giving them away is out of the question anyway. If I were to do that, the people I'm even considering, would immediately know what's going on. I won't let them stop me again, because all this pain must finally be over.

Sometimes I just feel like writing, like now or the entries before. Surely I could continue working on one of my books instead of somehow shitting down this mishmash of thoughts and experiences. But often I can't concentrate on my books and their stories. Something simple will have to do. If anyone ever reads this, my condolences. It must be terrible to read.

[lemon-boy-stan]

moments where you realised you were in love with each other

YEONJUN -

when the two of you argued.

yeonjun would always get angry at you for the stupidest things

he'd always tell you off for nothing and the two of you would go at it

it happened so often now that the others just learnt to ignore it.

but yeonjun would never be able to stay mad at you for long.

and if or whenever he crossed the line, he'd be able to tell instantly.

you'd go quiet, too quiet. or you'd back away from him and sometimes even flinch.

his tone would change immeadietly and he'd be tripping all over himself just trying to get to you.

because yeonjun doesn't want you hurt, or upset. he cares about you too much!

SOOBIN -

whenever you were scared or slightly anxious.

you would always grab his hand in yours.

neither of you would realise, though

although you kind of would, subconsciously.

because as soon as you were holding his hand you would feel a wave of calm.

because soobin made you feel safe, really, really safe.

which was good, because all soobin wanted was for you to feel safe.

you'd do it so instinctively that the two of you just got used to it

until the other guys noticed it

you'd wonder why they were all smirking at you

until you both looked down

your stomach would churn with butterflies

soobin would clear his throat akwardly

and you'd both move apart quickly.

BEOMGYU -

whenever you laughed, especially at one of his jokes.

beomgyu liked to mess around with the guys a lot, and you often accompanied him in doing so.

well, it was just kind of an excuse to be around him, you didn't mind on following whatever it was he planned on doing.

the only problem was, though, you giggled too much!

one time, taehyun fell asleep on the couch in the dorm, and beomgyu took this as the perfect moment to shove cheese balls up his nose.

his plan would've worked

if it weren't for you, who was giggling and shrieking so loud you woke taehyun up.

but beomgyu didn't mind, though. just like yeonjun, he could never stay mad at you for too long!

besides, the point was to make you laugh: he loved the way your eyes crinkled and the way your lip curled into a smile and the way you shrieked his name in a set of breathy giggles.

beomgyu would always try and make you laugh, because seeing you happy made him feel warm inside.

HUENINGKAI -

whenever he played games with you.

doesn't matter if it's video or board games.

we all know every member of txt is both competitive and a cheat when it comes to games

but next to beomgyu, hueningkai is just cruel.

if he had his way, he'd never let anyone win.

but for some reason, he always let you get away with it.

sometimes, he'll even purposely lose so you can win!

sometimes the guys will get grumpy about it: "maknae never lets us win in any games but he always lets you win, y/n. he must like you more than us."

at first he won't believe them and he'll ignore their teasing

but soon their words would swim in his mind slowly and he'd ponder his own actions

until all he was thinking about was you

just you, everything about you.

and then it would hit him hard in the head.

as if a light bulb had gone off, it was a big "oh" moment.

TAEHYUN -

whenever you were hurt or upset.

taehyun wasn't normally the therapy friend, but he couldn't stand seeing you in any kind of bad mood.

and he was the only person you'd open up to, so it was good that you came to him when you were feeling down.

sometimes you would just cry, and he'd hug you until it was over, never wanting you to cry again.

he'd even listen to all your angry rants on the phone, actually listen, without zoning off like he normally would. he'd try to make it so that you weren't angry anymore, because he didn't like it when you were angry.

often, he'd be confused as to why he felt sad when you were sad, so he'd always go to his hyungs for answers.

they'd smile knowingly and tell him he'd understand over time.

and he did.

he did.

>> navigation <<

[a-mag-a-day]

MAG 86 - apple cutting while watching my spouse play Ghosts of Tsushima

Tim really isn't good at this XD

TIM "Regarding his unavoidable and gruesome end. How he tried to hide. He couldn’t." - Did I mention anywhere in these last few episodes that I love the inescapability in TMA? ^^

TIM "It’s not you. It’s his fault. He didn’t warn you properly" - I'm sorry to say that I started to properly dislike Tim in this season. I knoooow, his mental health is super low, but it's not the job of others to let themselves be treated by Tim however he wants. Tim has every right to be pissed off at Jon for stalking him. But blaming everybody else for things they had no hand in doing is just unfair. Stop it. Get some help.

TIM "Wait. Tell me about the two Sashas." - T_T

Yeah, like I said. I know Tim's at the end of… everything. It IS super sad. But the way he's handling it I wouldn't stay near him for the sake my own health.

So, how do you make a clap marker visible on magnetic tape?

I have a nightlight since I was I don't know how old, 10? Maybe even younger… My mum bought salt lamps for me and my sister. Still have it (I'm 32….). I want to be able to see the spiders at night.

"I’ve heard that being exposed to the source of your terror over and over again can help break its power over you, numb you to it, but in my experience it just teaches you to hide from it." - Yeah, I'm not big on exposure therapy either. It's cruel.

"and there was this rancid smell pervading the place" / "The rancid odour that I’d caught wind of outside was stronger in here" / "It looked like a large, wet bag, glistening and slick, with a dark liquid that oozed from it onto the floor." / "with whatever gross liquid had soaked into that thick fabric." / "And as I stood there, in utter horror, the growing pool of dark liquid touched the tip of my shoe. That’s it. That’s the moment that I believe it started for me." - The idea of this dark, foul smelling fluid being a thing of darkness is so unique! I mean, water can be dark, but usually it takes a certain depth where light won't reach down anymore. And this wouldn't explain the smell.

17:15 "I could see them flicking out and spasming wildly", right after "spasming" sound of something brushing some equipment.

"Fear had given way to routine." - That recurring theme of becoming used to fear <3

"And it said, 'The blanket never did anything.'" - Oh yes, I got goosebumps! It don't find that statement particularly scary since we got a description of the monster. But the way to music spikes and Lydia's absolute banger performance of a creepy, hissing whisper makes this particular line just sooooo good!

"and pictures of the guy emerging topless from waterfalls. Hmm, wasn’t bad-looking," - Did Martin put those photos in the file ¬‿¬

Throwing the fact of Melanie being overly skeptic onto the "Jon and Melanie are similar" pile XD

MELANIE "W– I mean, it’s not… it’s not like you’ve got any reason to kill me." JON '[NON-COMMITTAL SOUND]' MELANIE "Fine." - Lol.

Petition to get s3 Tim therapy?

Also I am in agreement, Lydia’s performance is absolutely amazing here.

[getitinbusan]

Yoongi One Shot

Angst/Love

"10 years is a long time."

That voice was unmistakable. 

Ten years was a long time, yet still not enough for the wound you'd thought long healed to be reopened in a matter of seconds. 

Your stomach flipped. If you turned around you'd be standing in front of your first love. 

"What's a big star like you doing flying commercial?"

He was blushing as you faced him.

He was just as handsome as you remembered but with all of the lost details now filled back in.   

"I guess I'm just not as important as people think I am," he broke out his crooked smile.

"Still the same guy huh?" 

The loud bing rang over the terminals intercom,

"All first class passengers may begin boarding." 

"I guess that's you?" 

He nodded, seeming embarrassed by his status. His manager was anxious to move him as quickly as possible. 

"I'm sorry we don't have time to catch up. Do you think we can meet up when we land?" 

Surely he didn't mean it, what else do you say to someone you don't know anymore? 

"Yeah, that would be nice." You gave him a small smile as he walked away.

"Yoongi," you called out.

"I always knew you'd make it." 

The metal clicked in place securing you to your coach seat. You wished there was something as simple a seatbelt to tether your mind back from the cloud it was floating in. 

It had been 10 years since you'd walked away from him. 10 years with no contact.

Of course, want to or not, you knew everything about his life. News of him was all over Dispatch, awards shows, radio, the internet… It had become a form of self flagellation to watch what you'd lost. 

From the earliest days you knew he was special. Handsome talented, sweet but yet utterly stubborn and scared. 

"I don't want to disappoint my family." He'd repeated those words to you so many times they'd been burned into your brain. 

When you'd finally convinced him to move to Seoul you felt the world open up to him. Away from Daegu you could both finally breathe. 

He was so happy the day he got the job in the recording studio. You could clearly remember the cheap Soju picnic celebration on your apartment floor. You smiled at the vivid recollection of the rice wine on his lips as they pressed against yours. 

But happiness doesn't always last does it?

His frustrations grew. People were interested but not in the way he wanted. When Namjoon told him about the audition, it was the beginning of the end. 

"Yoongi, sometimes you've got to do things you don't want to do to get to where you want to be." 

"I'm a rapper Y/N, what the fuck is auditioning for these idol producing agencies going to do for me?"

"It will open locked doors Yoongi..." His shortsightedness always made you angry. "You'll meet more people, get your foot in the door, climb the ladder."

He always talked himself out of every opportunity, every audition, every chance to take a leap. 

"Baby, they see something in you. You don't have to commit to a contract just go see what it's about." 

"I'll never be able to show my face in the clubs again if I do that. You're asking me to sell my soul to the devil so stop talking about it because it's not going to happen."

"You don't think that's a little overdramatic? I can't sit here and watch you sabotage your own future Yoongi. I can't believe in you enough for the both of us anymore, I love you but I can't keep doing this." 

It seemed to him that some strange twist of fate must have put you here. He'd been thinking about you a lot lately and now destiny had placed you on the same plane.

If he'd learned anything from the past, from you, it was to take advantage of an opportunity when it presented itself. 

Pulling down his tray table he rummaged through his carry on for the notepad and pen that were his constant companions. 

My dearest Y/N, 

Where do I begin? I'm worried you won't be waiting for me like I hope when the plane disembarks. I can't let you go without knowing you've heard the things I have to say.

The day you left Seoul I was hurt and mad. I should have been sad, but in all honesty it took me a while to find those feelings. 

How dare you leave me? I was motivated to show you, I had to prove you wrong. I went with Joon to that stupid audition just to feel vindicated when they turned me down.

They didn't, but I guess you already figured that one out. Every single thing in my life changed when and because you walked away. 

At first I blamed you for the way I felt, like it was your fault I made it. I still didn't have the foresight to see the outcome. I fought it, I didn't think I was good enough. I was afraid people would ask "How'd he get in here?"

But you knew, you always knew, I wish I could have seen myself through your eyes. 

And of course you were right love. I can hear the thoughts in your head saying, "I'm always right Yoongi." (I know you're smiling at that admission)

Your beautiful smile, fuck I've missed that more than anything. I'm sorry I was the one who took it away from you. It must have been exhausting for you to feel responsible for my damn ego. I was so selfish back then, I didn't even try to build you  the way you built me. 

You loved me, and I loved you, but only as much as someone who doesn't love themselves can. I've been working on that. 

Who would have thought that one of the perks of fame was being able to afford good therapy? (there's that smile again)

My Therapist thought writing about it would help. I don't know if you picked up the hidden lyrics but First Love was for you. Big Hit wouldn't let me sing about you, about love, so they made me write it about my fucking piano...

I remember back then

We burned up the last of my teen’s

Yes the days when we couldn’t see an inch in front of us

We laughed, we cried

Those days with you, those moments are now in memories

Every time I wanted to give up

By my side you said

you can really do it

Yeah, I remember back then

When I was fed up and lost

Back then when I fell into a pit of despair

Even when I pushed you away

Even when I resented meeting you

You were firmly by my side.

So don’t ever let go of my hand

I won’t let you go ever again either

I miss you Y/N I need you to know. 

Even if you no longer love me I hope I've made you proud. Everything I am is because of you.

You walking away changed me, changed my life and I'm so much better now. I didn't think I'd ever see you again or have the opportunity to ask but I need to take this chance... 

What if you stayed this time? 

Folding the letter he rang for the flight attendant. 

Providing an explanation of the situation, your detailed description and a big tip he held his breath as it fatefully found its way to your seat. 

Making your way slowly down the skybridge you were scared.  It felt like a dream.

The other passengers hurried past you meeting up with their loved ones in the arrivals lounge. 

Would he be there? The lights and sounds grew closer...a few more steps to see what destiny held. 

Stepping off the soft carpet onto the reality of the hard terminal floor you looked around. 

Families and tears, businessmen on phones, drivers with pick up signs...but no Yoongi. 

Biting the inside of your cheek you folded up his letter and shoved it deep into your pocket.

Closure, at least?  

The luggage carousel spun slowly amplifying your sadness as the bags were picked up one by one. 

The voice was unmistakable.

"10 years is a long time."

Your stomach flipped, if you turned around you'd be standing in front of your first and only love.

With tears in your eyes you faced him. 

He was holding gift shop flowers in his hand out towards you.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here." 

[newbeginningsworld]

Alive

For the longest time I've been unhappy with who I am.. just unhappy in general.

For the longest time, I've lived with this thing that's always been hard to explain..

My depression.

My anxiety.

The feeling of worthlessness.

I remember when it began.

It started when my father left when I was only 3 years old. He was in and out of my life until I was 10. It was then, at ten years old, when I decided he needed to stay out of my life for good.

He left me to grow up wondering if I actually really mattered.

He left me to grow up never being able to trust a man to stay. Never able to trust that anyone would stay.

He left me to believe that at the end of the day everyone would end up leaving me..just like he did.

As just a young child, I went through years of therapy, but it never really helped.

Talking to a stranger about what was going on in my ten year old mind did not help one bit.

The depression.

It only worsened during my sophomore year of high school.

I was lost.

My grades were slipping. I couldn't be on my lacrosse team anymore because of the results in my classes. My friends were going their own way, figuring out where they belong.

I, on the other hand, was alone.

I was alone with just my thoughts. The voices in my head were telling me I was unimportant; worthless. That I had nobody by my side. That I would continue to fail.

I was at war with my own mind.

I abused myself.

I neglected myself.

For years, I would look in the mirror and see nothing and felt nothing but hate.

I began to believe I had no purpose.

I had given up on life.

There was no point anymore.

I remember the exact moment when I completely gave up.

I was sitting in the corner of a running shower, tears flooding down my face, a razor blade in my hand.

That was the moment I attempted to take my own life.

I remember piercing my own skin, watching the blood run down my arm.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt relief.

All the pain. All of the sadness. All of the loneliness. All of the fear of failure. It was all about to end.

I would finally be set free from the prison cell of a body that I was trapped in.

But it wasn't enough.

I failed to take my own life.

And deep down, I was grateful that I didn't.

My physical wounds would heal, but leave scars as a reminder.

I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her what I had done.

The expressions of shock. The expressions of sadness and disappointment.

I had made her believe that this was her fault.

It wasn't.

It was the voices in my head. My depression.

I started going back to therapy.

Again, it didn't help.

Even though it was always going to be lurking behind me, I learned to keep it at bay.

And that was going to have to be okay for now.

Two years later, I graduated high school.

I persevered and overcame all of the obstacles and challenges.

Graduating means I survived.

The next two and a half years, I took time off.

Applying for job after job, just to get by.

I was trying to find myself, find my purpose in life.

But I still felt so lost. With no meaning.

Some days were better than others. Some days were worse.

Most days I lived in a state of pure agony and fear. My bad days usually involved me locked in my room completely numb to everything. Other times it involved voices, which sometimes became aggressive. At times, it made me believe things that aren't real. That don't exist. It made me feel things that aren't real, including physical pain. It made me relive the worst moments over and over and over again with no escape. At times it was terrifying and draining.

But I hid it. I shoved my feelings aside. As I always did out of the fear of judgment and being misunderstood.

I had come to terms that this was just apart of me and there was no fixing it.

Along the way, I found someone.

Someone who made me feel happiness. The happiness I couldn't yet give myself. Someone who put my mind at ease. Someone who was not only my love, but my best friend. Someone who taught me how to smile again. How to laugh. That I could be who I was and he would still love me. He made me feel okay, even when certain things weren't okay. In the beginning, he showed me the most beautiful love.

I thought I had found the one. My soulmate. The person who I could see a future with. The person who I could build a life with.

Then suddenly we were a world apart. But I promised I'd always wait for him and he promised to do the same.

Two months later, everything changed. Things were different between us. He had become cold, angry, and distant. At times, even ignoring me, pushing me away, and forgetting plans we made. I just wasn't a priority in his life anymore. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Worried anything would set off his anger. I spent months lying awake at night, doubting myself. Wondering where I went wrong, if I was good enough, what I could do better. Trying to change who I was to better fit his liking.

Throughout all of it..I lost myself.

I have no idea who that girl was. I was so consumed in my relationship and trying to make it work, I couldn't recognize myself. If I would have listened to my friends and let go, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost myself. Maybe I wouldn't have been living through my boyfriend.

But I continued to fight for my relationship..to try to make it better than it was. Even though deep down, I knew it would never change.

He continued to push me away. He closed himself up. He would even cut off in the middle of a conversation and just disappear. He had given up on trying to fix things. He had given up on us.

I felt alone in this relationship.

It was then I had come to realize that all the words that were said were just words. All of the promises made were all lies. I found out I was not the only girl in his life, or at least he didn't want me to be. For months, he would have moments of extreme jealousy. He would see guys complimenting me and accuse me of liking it more than I should. He would accuse me of cheating and make me feel belittled.

When in reality he was the one who was cheating.

The plans of our future, the words of love, they all came crashing down. They were all replaced with the feeling of pain, betrayal, anger, and sadness. It hurt like hell. This feeling of pain and betrayal sits in the very core of my being. Its like a rotting corpse of our future together that was brutally murdered by his actions. Its foul. It's a stench I have no words for. I can not recognize the person I once had so much love for. Who I poured my heart out to and would have given everything to. He was a stranger.

I had let him in. He broke down all of the walls I had built to protect myself. I let him see all the parts of me, even the dark parts of me. I trusted him with my heart, just for him to walk all over it and treat like everything we had been through was..nothing.

I am the one who is going to have to live with this. Knowing the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. How am I ever supposed to believe in anyone again? I won't be able to. Not fully.

I finally gathered up the courage to end it. To leave this one sided relationship. This toxic relationship. I realize now that at the end I was only holding on to this relationship because I was afraid of being alone. But sometimes being alone is exactly what you need.

So that you can finally see everything clearly.

I had been blinded by love, that I didn't see it for what it truly was. I know now that I'm better off. That I deserve better.

Even though I lost my relationship and a best friend,

I gained something so much better.

Me.

My entire life, I have been trying to fill this void, but nothing ever seemed to stick.

There was always something missing.

I know now,

That missing piece I had always been looking for

was Me.

I needed to find myself again.

To learn to love myself.

I had gone down a self destructive path.

I had not only lost myself, but I lost faith.

But now, I'm ready.

I'm ready to dedicate my life to something better.

I am ready find my faith again. I am ready to surrender all of my fears and worries. I am ready to go down the path that has always been meant for me.

I am finally going down a path where I can see light instead of darkness.

I'm finally on a path to getting better.

I'm finally on a path to learning to love myself.

I'm learning to not let my depression, my thoughts and my feelings consume me.

I am learning to forgive and let go of all that pain and toxicity.

I am learning to finally be in control of my own body and my own mind.

I am learning its also okay to feel emotions. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. I know now that I am stronger than the struggles I face. I know I am strong enough to get through anything. There is a reason for everything. My struggles made me stronger and made me the person I am today.

I am learning that things will not always turn out how you planned. And it's okay if they don't.

It's okay if I lose people; if I lose friends. Sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to let go of the toxic people and I know now that I deserve better. I deserve to be made a priority; to be put first for once.

It's okay not to get the perfect score on every exam. Nobody is perfect.

I am learning not to compare myself to others. I was made the way I am for a reason. I am me and that is enough.

I am learning I do not have wear make up everyday. I do not have to play a part. I am beautiful the way I am.

I am learning that we only have one life and I am no longer going to take that for granted.

You only live once, so I'm going to eat that piece of pizza. Or the entire pizza. I earned that pizza.

I'm going to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, as if nobody is listening, even if they are.

I'm going to see more movies, even it's by myself.

I'm to make my dreams a reality. I'm going to study hard, graduate and become a Vet Tech.

I'm going travel.

Go on more walks and enjoy the world around me; because sometimes it can actually be beautiful.

Love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.

I am going to actually live.

I am learning that I DO deserve to be happy. For me and nobody else. I am learning that I AM important. I am ENOUGH. I do MATTER. My happiness matters. My mental health matters.

Life is too short to be anything, BUT happy. Smile & take a deep breathe because everything we are facing is temporary.

After everything, I have finally found my purpose in life. I am finally moving forward.

I can finally see a future that I am in.

The weight on my chest.

It is lifted and I can finally breathe easy.

I overcame

I conquered

I survived.

I am ALIVE and I finally want to be!