#Lee Dokyeom x Reader
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dokries · 3 months ago
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this life and the next
pairing: lee seokmin (dokyeom) x gender neutral reader
genre: fluff, established relationship
word count: 288
warnings: kissing, sleeping together (literally in a bed beside each other), seokmin is a sweet boy
author note: i’m going to go back to disappearing but i wanted to drop this off first :) i sincerely hope you enjoy reading ‎♡
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“you know, you’re not hard to love at all,” seokmin says, and you glance up at him, his arms tightening around you ever so slightly as the two of you lay in bed together.
you hum, his heart beating steadily by your ear as you snuggle in closer but he pulls away from you, a grin on his face when you make grabby hands at his chest. 
“i’ll love you in this life,” seokmin grabs your hands gently, kissing both of your palms with ease. 
“the next life,” he cups your face and places a peck on your cheek before continuing to the other one, seokmin’s lips leaving gentle reassurances on your face. “and the one after that.”
he narrows his eyes, pulling back to see your reaction and placing a small kiss on the corner of your mouth, even as it’s stretched wide with a grin. “you’ll always be the biggest reason i smile, even in all those lives.”
lastly, seokmin places his lips on your forehead, a comforting warmth on your temple before he ruffles your hair fondly, his hand falling to cup your cheek against the pillow again. “i swear on all my baseball jerseys.”
you scoff, reaching up to mess up his hair and cupping his jaw after. 
“your baseball jerseys are worth the high honour of loving me?” you say as a joke but the tenderness in seokmin’s eyes make you falter.
“they’re nothing if you’re not there to wear them,” he says, pulling you into his chest once more with a yawn.
you pat the arm encircled around you gently as his eyes flutter open and closed before he finally nuzzles closer to your face, a soft smile still on his lips.
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beefboyandbabygirl · 2 years ago
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I ❀ DILFS / GOOD GIRL (18+)
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pairing: student!brother's bff!seokmin x student!good girl!reader
genre: college au, brother's best friend au, smut (MDNI), bit of crack, a small bit of angst but not nearly as much as most of my fics
description: when you head out for college, you incidentally end up at the one your bother's best friend has disappeared to 2 years prior. now, seokmin has promised your brother, vernon, to teach you and take care of you while you're away from home. unfortunately, it seems vernon should have been a bit more specific about what exactly seokmin was supposed to be teaching you.
warnings: vernon is ur overprotective brother, seokmin is not a dilf unfortunately, dirty talk, masturbation (male and female), fingering, slight restraint?, praise (f. receiving), pet names (good girl is so overused), teaching, innocence kink, corruption kink, oral (m. receiving), tiddie play, alcohol consumption, a bit of pining, shame on the readers part, she feels a bit like a slut for a moment, kinda brief mention of miscarriage? for like a metaphor lol, jeonghan is hot in this, giselle is ur bff and i almost gave up my mission and made this whole fic ab her shes so hot, ok i think thats it
quotes my creative director (@joshibambi): "just admit u wanna bang son", "o is for orgasm", "the urge to be the younger sibling for once"
wordcount: 15.9k
a/n: the way this fic took me years to write. i hav been busy :( thank u 2 every1 who liked girl code uve made my whole year :D hope u like this one 2!!
You preferred to remember Seokmin for how he was.
How he was small and young, how he had a swanky bowlcut and how he looked in his school uniform. How he and your big brother, Vernon, had bonded and watched movies together in your living room, and the countless dinners he’d stayed over for, always so respectful to your parents and you. He wasn’t your best friend, he was Vernon’s, and yet he made it so easy to feel comfortable, so easy to feel like you were the one he came over for. 
You crushed on him back then, wrote countless diary entries about him and his stupid, beautiful smile. But it had been so forbidden, you remembered feeling that, because of how Vernon had groaned at you to leave every time you peaked your head through the living room door, masking your insistent eyes on Seokmin with simply wanting to “watch a grown up movie”. Sighing, you’d turn back to your princess pink room, and the boundary - the Vernon shaped boundary - that stood between you and Seokmin grew farther.
It had almost been a relief when Seokmin left for college. That was the most terrible thing, the relief you felt while your brother was grieving the sudden separation with his best friend. But your heart simply couldn’t help but let out a long sigh - years of yearning for him when he was so close by. You felt that cool wash of repose when that border between you and him had disappeared from your view. Years of watching it, wondering whether to pad closer or turn away from it, became a distant memory. For two years you were almost a normal girl and a good baby sister. 
Then it was your turn to head off for college. The nearest, big college to you accepted your application and you still distinctly remember dinner with your parents and your brother, how’d they’d cheered and clinked glasses and looked at you adoringly, because you were growing up right before their eyes. Then under the faint light of the restaurant chandelier, your mom had said something that immediately sent you hurdling back to that old, distant boundary: “Maybe you’ll see Seokmin there!” 
How had you forgotten? You supposed in that time you’d let yourself be more taken with the relief. It was the thought that he would be gone that had distracted you from exactly where to. And there you were with all your moving plans and your packed backs, and your glass raised and frozen in the air and your eyes wide. 
Then came the reasoning: surely, you could avoid him? It was a big college, there were plenty of people. There was no logical reason you’d really have to see him. Except for Vernon, of course. Ever so oblivious, your brother had called up Seokmin to tell him the good news, and to tell him to take care of you and protect you. And Seokmin was so sweet, of course, he’d take care of his best friend’s baby sister. 
And there you were at college. All grown up.
In your defense, you had avoided him skillfully. You’d turned down his request to help you with unpacking, turned down his tour of the school (that you’d actually desperately needed - why is room 240 not with all the other 40’s?!), and most of all, you’d turned down every single message inviting you to a party. 
I guess to him that was a perk; partying with the older kids. He knew you after all. He knew that you were a quiet girl and you stayed within your neatly laid brick walls, and he knew you were shy, and he knew you needed help letting loose. He knew you were a good girl. 
Which is why it wasn’t surprising at all that you turned down his offers - wanting to stay focused on school. At least, that’s what you told him. Truth was even being in his vicinity had put you much closer to that boundary you’d never dared cross. You were afraid even just seeing him would send you hurdling back, like a leaf in the wind. So you didn’t go. 
For a while, at least. 
“This is, like, a once in a lifetime opportunity!” Giselle whined and you shook your head adamantly. “Absolutely not.” 
“Well, maybe not for you, but for me!” she argued. “I can’t believe you’re consistently being invited to parties with hot, sexy men, and you’re turning it down because of one guy!” 
You were currently sitting in the library with your roommate, Giselle, and you’d made the unfortunate mistake of telling her about your predicament after receiving yet another invitation to a party tomorrow. Giselle was throwing a temper tantrum because she had never ever had anything as ridiculous. 
You liked Giselle a lot. She was very different from you - she was hot. You weren’t - you were cute. Giselle held boys on leashes and made them do homework for her. She liked partying and sexy, black dresses. You were a fucking nerd, and cute was the highest compliment you had ever received for your looks. Even though you were different, Giselle had immediately taken a liking to you. You had initially feared she would think you were lame, but she was so nice - except for right now.
“Come on, Y/n, there are, like, no cute guys in our year!” she said pleadingly, clasping her hands together and pouting, but you shook your head.
“You don’t understand, Giselle,” you murmured solemnly, trying to regain your focus on the science textbook in front of you. 
“I understand perfectly well,” she said and you eyed her suspiciously. “I understand that you’re a bitch!” 
“Alright, that’s unnecessary,” you said, closing your book. You pinched the bridge of your nose, when she went on. “No, honestly, Y/n. You’re a virgin, right?” 
You snapped your head towards her in shock. Your eyes darted around frantically, before you leaned over the table to whisper to her: “How do you know that?” 
“Don’t embarrass yourself, honey,” she grinned, holding back laughter and you rolled your eyes, sighing. “And what about it, Giselle?” 
“How are you ever gonna get yourself out there if you’re constantly caught up on this guy and trying to keep away your feelings for him? You’ll stay a virgin forever, girl. You need to look him in the eyes and realize you’re above that childish crush!” 
You stayed quiet, slumped in on yourself with your book in your lap. Why was she making sense? 
You’d never thought about it that way. That your infatuation with your brother’s best friend was somehow holding you back from exploring and evolving as a woman. That maybe having him in the back of your mind every time you’d shyly made out with guys in high school, had been the thing that stopped you in your tracks. 
“I can see it on your face, you know I’m right,” Giselle smiled smugly from behind the screen of her laptop. “Unless you’re asexual. In that case, fierce, but if you’re not, like, get out there, queen. Sometimes you need to realize that you have to leave one dick for another dick because the other dick is so good.” 
You furrowed your brows. “Is.. Is this still about me?” 
“No,” Giselle shook her head.
“Okay, yeah, ‘cause- ‘cause that didn’t..”
“Yeah, I know. I was more so, uh, angling-”
“Right-”
“Angling the story to- to my current situation.”
“I get it, yep.” 
There was a moment of silence. You pursed your lips and looked at the message on your phone. Then you started typing.
“Are you telling him you’re coming with your super sexy, hot friend?” 
“Yes.” 
“Y/N, I LOVE YOU.” _____________________________
Regret was a nasty, old demon on your back and it had twisted and tugged at your guts, while you let Giselle get you party-ready. You’d sat on her bed, in her dress, and having her put her makeup on you, you’d sulked and tried to shrug off your back.
“You look so hot when you actually try,” she’d giggled, using a fluffy brush to spread the bake underneath your eyes.
“Thanks,” you’d mumbled, and she’d paused her movements, frowning.
“What’s wrong?” she’d asked, sitting back on her knees. You had sighed, reaching a hand up to run it through your hair, but pausing midway when you realized you would ruin the styling Giselle had worked so hard on. You lowered your hand again.
“I’m not sure about this,” you’d murmured and she frowned genuinely. “Y/n, I meant what I said. I know I talk a lot about boys and stuff, but you really shouldn’t let yourself be held back by him!” 
Before you could speak again, Giselle had tugged you off the floor to stand in front of her mirror. 
“Look at you,” she’d cooed, clapping your shoulders. “You look so pretty!” 
You’d smiled a little shyly, looking at your form in the mirror abashedly. You were pretty. Not cute, not nerdy; pretty. Curves hugged tight by a sleek, black dress from Giselle’s closet, this was a version of you that could actually see having sex - seducing men, gaining from her looks.
“I guess you’re right,” you’d said sheepishly, and Giselle had smiled sincerely and you’d let her take you to the party down the streets in a nearby frat house, and you’d almost not wavered when you stood right in front of it, music blasting out of every crevice. 
But then you were inside and he was right there. For the first time in two years, he was there, and he was so hot. He was wearing a white tee and a fucking silver chain, and, God, when did he start working out, because his arms were so big and so toned. And his hair was fluffy and dark brown, and his face was slim, and the tops of his cheekbones were shining under the kitchen lamp, where he was talking to some other guy, arm flexed, as he leaned against it on the counter. 
If there was one thing about Seokmin that had stayed the same it was that smile. He wore it now, laughing, as he talked to some blonde guy about something, and you wanted to scream because, there it was. The boundary, the ledge, the line, whatever, it was right before you again, right there with him. And all the feelings that came with it, your heart, wet and red in your throat, a brew of anxiety in your stomach. 
Without sparing even a second, you’d clasped onto Giselle’s wrist, tugging her into a herd of anonymous people, and just walking. Walking, walking, pulling her along (she countered only with a “hey!”) only for you to hit a wall or something, just as long as you were far, far away from him. 
“What the hell?” she said, when you finally stopped walking because you’d entered the living room, which was apparently more exclusive, as only a few people populated it, including a couple that was making out on the far end of the couch. 
“He was there,” you gasped dramatically, as if you’d seen a ghost. “I-I can’t do this, Giselle.” 
“Relax, babe, it’ll be fine. You’re away from him now, aren’t you?” Although she was trying to be supportive, you could tell she was growing a little tired of your theatrics. You couldn’t care less though, you were panting, and peering over her shoulder to see if he was somehow coming towards; and, God forbid, smile at you with that angel grin. 
Giselle followed your gaze and sighed, brows furrowing. “How about I get us some drinks? Then you can let loose a little.” 
You nodded absently, following her lead when she pulled you to sit down on the couch. You clambered to the couch rest, when she walked away, swaying her hips to the music. 
You might’ve looked different, but you were still you. The entire scene had you uncomfortable, and you were still the shy, unconfident and nerdy girl. You cursed yourself for letting Giselle’s reassurances fool you - you would never be this type of person, and you would surely never get over Seokmin. She’d been wrong about everything. 
“You okay, darling?” 
You jumped at the voice, eyes darting up to see who it was. 
You didn’t know him. He was handsome, though, but you’re not even sure you’d call it that. He was pretty, and he had long, black hair and big eyes and he was giving you this teasing smile, that was doing nothing to ease your nerves.
“I’m good,” you squeaked, gaze moving to a nearby pair of shoes in the corner of the room. You heard him chuckle, before he dropped into a squat before you. One lean hand came up to your knee, giving it a squeeze. “You just look so nervous, pretty,” he sat down an anonymous cup of liquor. “I don’t think I know you. Can you tell me your name?” 
The hand on your knee burned into you, thumb brushing back and forth over the skin and he was looking at you so intently, it had you sputtering. “Uhm, uh, Y/n.” 
His thumb froze. You looked over at him curiously to find this dumbfounded expression on his face, devious grin spreading on his pretty features. He chuckled and cleared his throat, face dropping down before he moved it back to look at you again. 
“You’re the girl Seokmin’s always inviting over here?” 
You nodded shyly and he smiled at you. “I’m Jeonghan.” 
“Hi.”
A pause. Jeonghan squeezed your thigh, watching in delight at the way you screwed your eyes shut. 
“You know, I just didn’t expect you to look like this,” he said finally and, sensing your confusion, he teasingly added: “The girl who’s always turning down parties to study.” 
You blush deepened, cheeks furiously rosy, as you fiddled with your fingers in your lap. “I borrowed my friend's clothes,” you breathed, pursing your lips. “Ah!” Jeonghan gently patted the top of your thigh, nodding along exaggeratedly, “You borrowed your friend’s clothes! I see!” 
He studied you while you giggled at his antics, still refusing to look him in the eye, really. He was almost suffocating, his hand on your thigh and his eyes boring into your face, and his cologne in a constant stream in and out of your nostrils. But suffocation, you decided, was almost better than being around Seokmin and having him parade his kind heart and his thick arms and his sweet smile, and just how off-limits he was. 
Ripping you from your thoughts, Jeonghan stood up, placing both hands on the tops of your thighs and bending down to your face, so his nose was buried in your cheek.
“Look at me, darling,” he whispered, then pulled his face away from yours, just enough so you could gaze into his brown eyes. His hands were much higher now, squeezing hard at the plush of your thighs, dangerously close to your center and only separated by the thin fabric of Giselle’s dress. 
“There she is,” Jeonghan smiled, voice a whisper. His lashes came over his eyes, when they flitted down to your lips. “Don’t you wanna come with me upstairs, and I can make you feel really, really goo-”
“JEONGHAN! GET OFF OF HER, THAT IS MY BEST FRIEND’S BABY SISTER!”
There’s a voice you know.
From across the room, Seokmin had burst through the mass of people, now power-posing with an extended finger in the direction of where Jeonghan was tilting over you, rubbing your thighs, as you sat innocently before him. 
Jeonghan stood up, taking all of his heat and his suffocation and cologne with him, groaning and throwing his head back. “Seokmin!” he whined and he was suddenly no longer so suave and seductive. 
“No, I won’t hear it, Jeonghan,” Seokmin said and, as much as you knew Seokmin to be sweet and tender and lovely, there was this crystal-clear anger in his voice. He walked over, one large hand pushing at Jeonghan. “Go get any other girl and sleep with her, just not her. Get your sorry ass out of here.” 
Apparently Jeonghan sensed the same thing you did - a rare anger in Seokmin - because he didn’t put up much of a fight at all, only smiled at you apologetically (and then, when he was behind Seokmin, gave you a small, devious wink - he just couldn’t help himself). 
You couldn’t focus much on Jeonghan at all though. Because Seokmin was standing in front of you, all muscle and huge fucking thighs by your head, and when you dared to tilt your gaze up to him, you saw how all that anger simply melted away. 
“Hey,” he breathed, smiling softly.
“Hey.” 
Then his eyes darkened, if only for a moment, as they traveled over your figure, gift-wrapped in that tight, black dress. His jaw clenched and he looked around for a moment. When he looked at you once more, he was giving you that smile - the one you’d fallen in love with - and the chocolate in his eyes was melting.
“Come on,” he ushered gently, one hand carefully guiding you off the couch. “Let’s go to my room where there aren’t any scary, evil, mean men.” 
Despite being so on edge, so jittery, as you followed him up some distant staircase, you couldn’t help but laugh at those words. He was talking exactly like he had when you were kids. That was how you preferred to remember him; all small and young and with a swanky bowl cut, and he’s the exact same way with you, hand warm in yours, as he guides you through the house. 
“Why’re you laughing?” he smiled, and you suppressed your own, trying not to dwell too much on how fast your heart was beating. “It’s just like before,” you quipped and Seokmin’s hand squeezed yours in understanding. 
He lumbered down the hallway and at its very end, preceded by rows of white oak doors, he opened his own with a twist and a turn of the brass-blend knob. When he closed it, the party became muffled around you, as if his room was filled with water, and now the rest of the world was a garbled mess, and you were drowning.
His room was clean. You supposed Seokmin had never been the messy type - not even when infected by the influence of Vernon. He had a half-open closet, where you spotted folded clothes, and a circle rug and purple and green lava-lamp plugged in on his nightstand. 
Seokmin apparently did not think it was clean enough, because he swooped down gallantly to grab a tossed sweater, smiling at you sheepishly when he held in between his fingers. You stared at him.
You felt like a kid again. Felt like just a young girl, creeping through the crack in the living room door, and looking at his silhouette, outlined by some grotesque horror movie playing on the TV. His sharp nose, when he turned to Vernon and laughed, his hair, all poofed and tousled and scruffy, and his smile. 
And you’d let yourself fall into this trap, maybe to some extent you’d even wanted it. Because now he was right in front of you, and so was that damned barrier, right by your outstretched fingertips, and you could almost envision yourself climbing over it - climbing into his lap and-
“I didn’t think you’d ever come,” Seokmin said gently, a permanent, small smile frozen on his lips. You coughed, unready. “Uh, yeah, my friend- my friend thought I should try and.. You know, get myself out there.” 
Seokmin studied you, bemused and fond, fiddling with the baby blue sweater in his hands. You were looking back cautiously, as if assessing a threat, but the threat was the sweetest, kindest boy in the whole wide world. 
“Yeah, well,” he cleared his throat suddenly, ripping his gaze from you to fold the sweater onto his desk chair. “I’m sorry about Jeonghan, he’s.. You shouldn’t, uh..” Now neatly folded, you saw him rubbing the sweater between his fingers. “You should stay away from him.” 
“Why?” you asked, and it was genuine enough that Seokmin let out a sigh. 
“You’re too much of a good girl to be with him. He’s no good.”
A whimper clawed its way up your throat, bubbled from the depths of your belly, but you tamed it and settled on a light hum. You felt your underwear becoming a little sticky, and you wanted to die, because God, this was your brother’s best friend. They still facetimed every Tuesday and still played Fortnite together over Discord every Saturday. 
“College going good?” Seokmin asked, retreating from the sweater to sit down on his bed. He looked up at you brightly and patted the spot next to him. It felt like another trap, where the folds in the blanket curved down under his weight, and would eventually lead you into him. You sat down hesitantly. 
“It’s okay,” you breathed, folding your hands and in your lap and tensing your shoulders. Seokmin, fully relaxed and slumped, noted your posture and slid his hand over the exposed skin of your back. “Hey,” he whispered, so intimate it hurt your heart, “hey, hey, relax, Y/n. It’s just me.” 
His eyes were soft and full of concern when he spoke quietly again, his voice almost a backdrop to the muffled sounds of dancing college students: “You know, Vernon was really concerned about how you would do away from home.” 
“I’m not doing bad!” you said quickly, dismissing it immediately. Seokmin stared at you. “I just- this isn’t really my scene.” 
His hand felt searing hot on your back, where it slid up and down, almost coaxing you further into him. He hummed. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.” 
Then: “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you had to come. Just figured you might want that street cred of being friends with the upperclassmen.”
You snorted and, cheeks rosy as ever, started giggling, eyes still cemented to the floor. Your hair was falling gently over your face, wisps of baby hair tickling your forehead. 
“It’s okay,” you sighed away the laughter, “You were just trying to get me out of my shell. I appreciate it.” 
Seokmin smiled at that. His hand dropped from your back and you both stared into the expanse of his room. A small window to let in the rain, the moonlight separated by the grid, and the curtain blowing in a solemn breeze. You and Seokmin sat, both very small suddenly, like kids, on the edge of the bed and became speckled in starlight, in diamond-dust. 
Then Seokmin was doing it. He was letting you be comfortable, letting you slip into a dazed joy, intoxicated from his presence. He was asking about your teachers, exams, friends, experiences, and you were both laughing together, and once again you were forgetting that Seokmin was your brother’s best friend, and he was not with you for you, but he was simply talking to you out of courtesy to your brother. He let you forget.
“You going home for the break?” he asked then, room quieted down from all the laughter. The fall break, starting tomorrow, you remembered. You’d thought about going home, but had opted to text your parents that you were staying, wanting honestly to stay in your dorm room and work on assignments and organization and just lull in bed, instead of being taken up, down and everywhere in your hometown. You shook your head. 
“Really? Me neither,” he said, brows raised. “Won’t you get lonely?” 
You giggled shyly. “Maybe a little.” 
“We could hang out,” he breathed, and at that you tasted the boundary between you, felt it firm under your fingertips, because you couldn’t discern whether he was protecting his friend’s baby sister or if he actually liked talking to you, and your heart beat and yearned and hoped for the latter. 
“Yeah, okay,” you nodded, melting when you saw his smile reach his eyes. 
“Didn’t you always like, uh, Mario Kart? You always wanted to play with me and Vern,” Seokmin said, but he was looking distantly into the window. You almost wanted to cry because he remembered you, remembered things that you liked. “I got it on my Playstation, we can play tomorrow.” 
“I’d like that,” you said.
Then Seokmin was loaning you his hoodie, and, bathed in his warm, tender smell, he followed you home under the moon, glaring at Jeonghan on his way out. 
“Keep the hoodie,” he’d said, smiling sheepishly when you stood in front of your dorm door. “It’s cute.” 
He patted your head and left, thankfully before he could see how red your face was, and how you were absolutely about to blow up from unfiltered joy. You shuffled into your dorm room and tried to soothe the basking butterflies in your stomach and your burning heart. 
Was he standing right across from you on that line, waiting to cross? _____________________________
Giselle woke up just early enough to catch you switching between different button-up dresses, throwing one on, looking in the mirror, and deciding to try another. She was groggy and tired and somewhat hungover, and needed to catch a train, so she could get back home. 
“What are you doing?” she cried, rubbing her eyes. You scurried back and forth trying on another dress, considering white tights, then white socks, then adjusting the tone and volume of your blush.
“I’m-” you gasped in between your hard labor, “I’m seeing a boy!” 
This caught Giselle’s attention. She shot straight up in her bed and looked at you with huge eyes. “No way!”
“Yeah way!” you giggled deviously. You turned around to face her. “What do you think of this outfit?” 
“You look cute!” Giselle praised, nodding to your red strawberry dress and your knee-highs. You slumped. There it was again - cute. Not hot, not pretty, but cute. That was what you were; like a child, like the kid Seokmin knew years ago, like his best friend’s baby sister. Nothing more.
“Who is this mystery guy?” Apparently Giselle was too busy rubbing sleep out of her eyes to see how her compliment had deflated you.
“It’s Seokmin. My-”
“Your brother’s best friend?!” She gasped. It was one shock after another from you that morning. “I wanna say I’m disappointed in you, but.. If you pull this off you’re way freakier than me.” 
“We’re not gonna have sex!” you groaned, pouting as you hastily shoved on your shoes. “We’re gonna play Mario Kart.” 
“Right, this cute guy just invited you over for Mario Kart and nothing else, I get it,” Giselle said sarcastically. 
“You don’t know him,” you mumbled defensively, shoes on and now staring at yourself in the mirror once more. “Cute,” the mirror spat at you.
“All men are the same,” Giselle rolled her eyes and threw herself back on the bed. You snorted and began to walk out the door.
“Y/n, wait!” 
“Hm?” 
Halfway out the door, a tote bag slung over your shoulder and ready to step into the sunlight, you peered back into the room. Giselle, in her sweats and hair fussed, stumbled blindly towards the door. She reached into her pocket and produced a-
“A condom?!” you shrieked, outraged. And not just any condom: a condom in white packaging with the lettering “I ❀ DILFS”. You truly did not understand how Giselle managed to be a caricature of herself time after time.
“You need to wear protection, he’s in a frat, right?” she shrugged. You glared at her. “I’m not bringing a condom.” 
“Alright, I guess,-” Giselle pretended to think, “I guess, you’ll just have to get chlamydia.” 
You stared at her for a moment, bristling. Then you snatched it out of her outstretched hand.
“You’re unbelievable.” 
“You’re a prude.” 
“Goodbye, Giselle!” 
The condom slipped into your tote with ease to lay snug with all your other items and then you were out the door and heading towards Seokmin’s frat house. The sun was dulled by a few clouds, but it was still shining. Leaves were turning brown and red and yellow and were falling from trees to crunch underfoot - everything was lovely.
But the expanse, in your head, was much different. In your head you were traveling the soft dunes of a desert, spotting in the brown and red and yellow horizon a cleft in the sand. When you reached it, wide and long, seemingly endless to each side of you, you were standing right in front of Seokmin’s house.
You weren’t sure how long you stood there, knuckles white where you grasped your tote, and eyes big and heart pounding. What if Giselle was right? Did you want her to be right? Would you even be able to please him if she was? Half-heartedly you tried to push away the images of Seokmin pushing into you, arms flexing on either side of your head, that spawned alongside the thought. Maybe you straddling him, his hands on your ass, his head buried in your chest, or-
“Y/N!” 
You jumped, clutching your bag tight, when you snapped your head up to the voice. It was Seokmin and he was waving at you from his upstairs-window, smiling so brightly you swore the sun reflected off of his teeth. 
“What are you standing there for, come inside! Door’s unlocked!” he yelled, body disappearing in the window. You stared at the window for a moment, his presence now absent, before you nodded to yourself in reassurance. You could do this, right? Just Mario Kart and small talk.
Truth was, you couldn’t do this. Not even in the slightest. You and Seokmin sat cross-legged on his bed, TV on the wall before it, drinking soda and crunching on chips. Seokmin was drenched in a green, fuzzy sweater, collarbones peeking over the rounded neck, and fingers peeking through the sleeves, where he held his controller, and God forbid, his hair was all soft and fluffy, and he was wearing fucking puppy socks. 
And he was competitive, too. He was leaned forward, eyes narrowed as he sped through the course. You huffed when he blue-shelled you, and you tried to refocus.
“I thought you said you were good?” he teased, eyes leaving the screen for only a second to look at you - you, dress bunched up to your thighs and tongue peeking through your pretty, subtly red lips. A second was all that was necessary. 
Suddenly, his character (baby Daisy) swerved off-course, falling into the pit below and he screeched, seemingly genuinely sad, as your character (Toadette) overtook him, the little gold badge popping up in the corner to tell you that you were number one. 
“What were you saying?” you giggled cockily when you finished the last round, Seokmin unable to quite catch up to you in the last stretch. He threw himself back on the bed in defeat, groaning into his hand.
“I can’t believe I let you win,” he cried.
“Let me?” you repeated in disbelief. You scoffed and put down the controller, pretending that Seokmin lying all angelic on his bed sheets wasn’t making your stomach pinch with static. “Pretty sure that was just pure skill on my part. Don’t blame me because you’re bad at Mario Kart.” 
A blow to his talents in Mario Kart was a blow to him. He snapped his head up to look at you, playfully angry. “Oh, oh wow, really? I’m bad at Mario Kart now?” 
“Mhm,” you hummed, smiling cheekily at him. Seokmin studied you for a moment, before he shuffled into a sitting position. His gaze almost made you shy. Did he want to kiss you as much as you wanted to kiss him?
Seokmin shuffled closer to you and you almost stopped breathing: “Don’t I remember you being ticklish?” 
You were almost so caught up in your fantasy to realize what he said. Your eyes widened in realization and you most immediately tried to twist your body away: a punishment was upon you.
“No- NO!-” You cried out but it was too late. Seokmin wrestled his body into yours, fingers dancing and prodding into your sides. Drowning in laughter, your face twisted into tortured pleasure, as you tried to bat his hands away. Your attempts were futile - each time you shuffled away, he followed right with you, fingers unrelenting as your torso twisted and turned. 
"Hehehehehehe- NO, PLEASE!- hehehehehehe!” 
Your knees pushed with all their might and you were almost able to drag yourself to the edge of the bed. There, you could gain distance and talk him down from beyond his desk. But Seokmin was smart. He sensed your escape plan when you squirmed away, and without much thought, he pulled his body on top of yours, weight pinning you down. 
You were still giggling and squirming, when his fingers finally let up. You were both panting from the excitement, Seokmin smiling down at you adoringly. Then, both of your smiles dropped.
It was like it took a few moments to realize; he was straddling you. Hips pushed into yours, all his weight rested on your crotch - your crotch, which was now pulsating. To make matters worse, the skirt of your dress had ridden up and most of your plush thighs were now visible to him, and your chest was halfway out of your dress, and your cheeks were flushed and your hair was spread out on the sheets beneath you. Seokmin seemed unsure of where to put his hands, while you both stared at each other, breathing in the thick, heavy silence.
“I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay, I-” 
“I really- I don’t know what-” 
“Don’t worry-” 
You were pulling down your dress again, cheeks literally flaming red and bottom lip caught between your teeth. Silence swallowed you both whole. 
You wanted him back on your hips so bad. It hurt. You were aching in quick pulses, but you couldn’t even look at him. Surely, you thought, surely, he’d seen that look on your face, how your eyes clouded over with lust. Maybe he felt disgusted. 
“I better-” you hiccupped, voice small, “I better go.” 
Seokmin, eyes peeking at you through his lashes, feared he made you uncomfortable.
“Yeah, of course,” he mumbled.
You gathered your things and ran out of there, wetness gushing out of you. You tried to run, tried to create distance, but this time, in your mind’s eye, you ran in place, staying completely still by the cleft separating you and Seokmin. You fiddled with the edge, sand cascading into the empty, endless dark. 
There was no way you could make that jump.
That night you wished Giselle was by your side. You wrote an assignment, trying to ward off the embarrassment that stormed in your brain, when you got a message, that plunged you into rock bottom:
Lee Seokmin: hey you forgot smth at my house lol
Lee Seokmin: *Image Attached*
This was it. You were going to jump off a bridge (or a cleft in a dry, sandy wasteland).
As if your life couldn’t get anymore embarrassing: it was the condom. The white condom with “I ❀ DILFS” on it. You damned that woman for ever making you bring it. What must he have thought of you? His best friend’s little sister trying to get in his pants? Your cheeks were burning and you threw your head into your pillow and screeched. Your life was over. It had simply ended now. There was no coming back from this. You huffed and removed yourself from its plushness. 
Maybe you could salvage it? Thinking on your feet, you replied:
You: OMG i’m so sorry!!!! i think that’s my roommate’s, she must’ve put it in my bag
 :/ 
You: I’ll come pick it up ASAP :(((( 
You stared at your phone at the blatant. It was not a far stretch from the truth, but being caught with your hand in the cookie jar - or maybe more so the I ❀ DILFS condom in your tote bag - it seemed like an irrationally shitty cover up. 
You gnawed at your lip when the three dots popped up next to his picture, and bit it to pieces waiting for his reply. You almost jumped when your phone buzzed:
Lee Seokmin: hahahahaha
Lee Seokmin: you can come pick it up tomorrow if u want? theres no rush 
You glared at the message. Laughter? Surely he hadn’t bought it. He was just trying to be nice, just trying to avoid you any embarrassment. The thought made you wanna throw up, how he felt this obligation to be nice to you when you had permanently scarred him (were you being dramatic?).
You: ok. im rlly sorry again!! i’ll pick it up tomorrow _____________________________
Tomorrow came much faster than you had hoped. No amount of tossing and turning could slow down the passage of time, and by the time you received Seokmin’s promised “I’m awake”-message, the embarrassment hadn’t faded one bit. 
Every discouraged moment of getting ready was haunted by your current situation, and you stopped to cringe every five seconds, causing an honest and diligent self-hatred to bubble within you. When you knocked on Seokmin’s door, you’d honestly never felt less confident in your life.
“Y/n!” he said enthusiastically. 
“Seokmin,” you said, less enthusiastic. 
He smiled at you sweetly, almost as sympathetically, before stepping aside. You furrowed your brow, not really understanding why he couldn’t just hand it to you at the door, but stepping inside nonetheless. “It’s in my room,” he offered, but could he not just have brought it with him? Did he have to prolong the shame even further? You followed him to his room.
In that moment you hated Seokmin for being who he was; for being sweet, gentle, caring, and gentlemanly. You would feel less pathetic if he yelled at you, if he was genuinely disgusted and wanted nothing to do with you. But there he was all smiling and supportive, and he wasn’t touching you at all, but he still felt like pillars on your back, soothing you and holding you up. 
“It was your roommate’s?” he asked absently as you traversed the halls. “Uh, yeah,” you answered sheepishly. 
“I can tell,” he threw his head back to you, and there was a huge grin on his face. A little bit of hope blossomed in your chest. “Yeah, I saw her at that party, you know? I think she slept with, uh, my friend, Minghao.” 
“That’ll be her,” you were smiling now too, and a huge wave of relief washed over you, as he at least let you believe that he thought it wasn’t your perversion bringing along that condom. 
Finally stumbling into his room, he did indeed pick it up from his desk, handing it back to you. You looked at it in his outstretched hand and blushed sheepishly. “Thanks,” you squeaked. 
Seokmin nodded in response. For a moment the two of you stood, uncertain of what to do and caught in the web of a terribly awkward silence. Seokmin’s eyes darted to the window and yours to the floor. 
“Hey, uh,” he giggled a little, scratching the back of his head. “I feel really bad for losing that Mario Kart game-”
You scoffed in response, but the facade of being peeved was falling apart, as you beamed up at him. 
“Maybe we could do, like, a quick rematch?” 
You shrugged, trying to be nonchalant with an ever-heavy flush in your cheeks: “I don’t back away from a challenge.” 
Seokmin won the rematch. This only spurred on another rematch, and suddenly there was no end to the madness. This time there was no awkwardness, no lingering silences. You were just giggling and strategizing, and throwing heat in the direction of your opponents. 
That uncomfortable, clamoring feeling left you, slowly. It became easy to forget it. That feeling that he was only there with you because of Vernon, that there was always some sort of demand, a twisting hand, forcing him upon you, and that you became a sort of burden on him. That was the thing about Seokmin, though, his ability to make you feel like his best friend; his ability to make him feel like he was there for you, even when he wasn’t.
It was only after an hour and a half or so, when Seokmin paused the game. 
“What the hell, Lee? I was just about to beat you!” you whined, crossing your arms. He nodded along, pushing himself off the bed. “Yes, I agree, which is why I’ve assessed that I need a refreshment.” 
“Oh, you’ve assessed?” 
“Yeah, I’ve assessed that I need a fresh, cooling drink in my gullet.” 
You both laughed a little and slumped back, dropping the controller. Seokmin smiled at you, eyes twinkling. “You want one?” 
“What are you getting?” 
“A beer,” Seokmin said. Rationally, you knew you shouldn’t accept. You were bad with alcohol, and everytime you drank just a little, a little easily became a lot. That was why you took yourself by surprise when your voice left your mouth, chipper and grand: “Sure!” 
One beer turned into another, and Mario Kart turned into talking on his bed, slumped into his fortress of pillows and giggling at his stories. You were a little tipsy, halfway into your second beer and your face was flushed and Seokmin was lying on his side, hand propped up under his head, as he made you laugh again. 
“Your kind of partying sounds
 Extreme,” you murmured, rim of the bottle pushed against your lips where your words slightly slurred. Mario Kart and alcohol had gotten you a little out of your shell, and now you and Seomin were talking like friends - as if your brother didn’t even exist. You basked in the alcoholic buzz and in this reality, this hideout, where your lovely brother didn’t exist and the faint ache in your legs at Seokmin’s godly face in the bedside lamp wasn’t so utterly misplaced. 
“I think anything’s more extreme than your partying,” Seokmin mused teasingly. You huffed, putting down your beer and smoothing over your skirt. Everything was so lovely and artificially yellow and his body beside yours radiated pleasant heat. He was beautiful, you thought, looking at how the sweaters pooled on his torso and how his brown hair looked so soft and messy. You almost felt the absence of ground beneath you, when you imagined yourself at the cleft again.
“You don’t know about my kind of partying,” you joked and he chuckled softly. “You’re right, I shouldn’t make assumptions.” 
You looked at him and he was suddenly serious. The smiley, gooey Seokmin was gone and his eyes, although not threatening at all, were prodding at you. Your smile fell. The alcohol at this time felt misplaced and wrong, the lightness felt wrong.
“Were you gonna, you know, go with Jeonghan at the party?” he whispered. The world was suddenly very quiet, as if it were following Seokmin’s tact. You grimaced a little. “No. No, not really.” 
He studied you. You couldn’t bear to meet his eyes, opting to look at your hands in your lap. “Why not?” 
A pause.
You began to pick at your own fingertips, nails digging into the cuticles. Seokmin’s eyes dragged from your face to your hands, and he scooted closer to you, only to cover your hand with his, stopping your movements immediately. Suddenly so close, his voice was whispered right in your ear, so soft and so gentle, it felt like a kiss: “Don’t do that.” 
You sucked in a breath, hands ripping to your sides to lay stiff. “I’m, uh, I’m not that experienced, so I..”
Your eyes flicked up to gauge his reaction. In your worst nightmares, you imagined a laugh breaking onto his face, maybe disgust, but you felt yourself melting. He looked at you so softly, like you were the most precious, fragile thing and his hand had stilled in the air after you pushed it off, as if, like the most enchanting artwork at a museum, he fought desperately not to reach out and touch you. 
It was unbearable - how still the air had become, how heavy you felt, how your chest struggled to expand. You talked again, if only to fill the air with your babbling: “I’ve not had.. I mean, I can hardly get myself off
 So. I probably. Couldn’t. Get him off.” 
You realized about halfway through your sentence that you should not have said that. That last half of your sentence was a breathy mess, as your voice became shaky with humiliation. His gaze, a delicate constant, was not helping either. You felt tears welling up in your eyes suddenly and maybe that was the worst part. 
“You have trouble getting yourself off?” he repeated, as if to make sure. “Like masturba-” 
“Yeah, that,” you squeezed your eyes shut. You couldn’t tell if you wanted him to shut up forever, so you’d never have to know his reaction, or if you wanted him to talk and be able to sense how this information changed his perception of you. His voice came, in spite of whatever you had hoped.
“I figured you were a virgin,” he mumbled, voice half muted by the palm of his hand, “but I thought you at least masturbated-” 
“I do!” you defended yourself, voice much louder than his and brows furrowing and tears threatening to spill over your eyes. “I’m just- I’m not that good at it.” 
“Hey,” he said softly, hand landing on your arm. You immediately shut up, lip trembling when you struggled to meet his eyes. “Relax, Y/n. It’s okay. I’m not judging you.” 
You nodded half-heartedly, still incredibly uneasy. 
“If you want
” Seokmin’s voice trailed off. His eyes ventured over your form briefly, licking his lips. “You know, if you want, I could teach you.” 
You looked at him silently. He seemed to snap out of whatever loopy trance he had been sucked into, because he was suddenly very jittery and scrambling through the bedsheets. “Uh, I mean- you don’t- God, I’m sorry- it was only if-” 
“Yes,” you said. His scrambling stilled immediately. His eyes were teacups. 
“You sure?” 
You nodded, not trusting your own voice. 
Seokmin squeezed his eyes shut, gulping as he sat back against the bed. His legs spread apart. “Come here,” he patted his thighs. 
You felt terribly sober. All that buzz and butterflies and blaze and blossom was gone and you felt like a doll, moving each limb individually, as you climbed into his lap, back to him. You were unable to think, unable to truly process what was happening, what it meant, as you felt his form engulf yours.
His hands found purchase on your hips and his breath was warm on your neck, as you felt every ridge of his abdomen on your back. His thumbs rubbed against your hip bone. 
“Okay, now show me how you usually do it,” his voice was a warm hum, a twinge of nervousness laced in it. Your face was lit ablaze and you squirmed in his hold, when one hand left your hip to gently push your legs apart. You sat, all open and held against him, dress keeping you covered.
“It’s embarrassing,” you huffed, being very serious, but Seokmin smiled and nosed your hair gently. 
“We can stop whenever you want, seriously, if you get uncomfortable, we stop” he reassured. 
“It’s just me.” 
It was. It was just Seokmin, your brothers best friend, the sweetest boy in the world, who used to have a swanky bowl cut and dorky school uniform and who was always Vernon’s most respectful friend, but he was hot and whispering into your ear and one hand was massaging the outside of your thigh. 
“Should I take my dress off?” you breathed, face turned halfway back to him. His hands squeezed at you in response and you could faintly make out his tongue sliding over his lips. 
“Only if you want, angel,” he whispered back, rubbing your sides tenderly. “We’re not doing anything you don’t want. Whatever makes you feel good. ‘M just here to help.” 
You nodded, and although the answer was maybe made to make you keep your dress on - a reassurance that there was no need to discard it - you removed yourself from his grasp, hands coming to tug your dress off. You felt a small boost of confidence when you heard Seokmin breathe out: “Shit.” 
Only in your bra and panties (terribly mismatched, your bra was black and your panties were pink), you leaned back into his hold, and you noted how Seokmin’s warm hands were much more careful now, splaying out on your bare skin. 
“Are you comfortable now?” he asked quietly. You nodded. He propped his head up on your shoulder, eyes cast down your almost-nude body, chest rising and falling. Your legs were closed again, he noticed, and his veiny hand reached down to open them again. “Show me how you do it, baby, so I can help you improve.” 
You gummed your lip, breathing in one last time, before your nervous fingers began dancing their way to your panties. They disappeared under the fabric for only a moment, before Seokmin spoke again.
“Sweetheart,” he tutted, hand wrapping around your wrist to stop its track. “Don’t just dive right in, you need to get yourself all hot first.” 
Your brows furrowed and some of the embarrassment you felt from being this exposed and pressed into Seokmin evaporated into genuine confusion.
“What? What do you mean?” you said, somewhat outraged, and Seokmin couldn’t help the laughter blooming in his chest at that. He vibrated against your back, hands smoothing down your arm. You pouted: “Don’t laugh at me, Minnie.” 
He stopped, still smiling as he nosed your temple. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to your head, that had your heart beating out of your chest. “You’re just so cute.” 
Cute. You remembered your disdain for that word, but somehow, when it came from his lips, it made you beam. Everywhere he touched left behind a hot, burning ghost on your skin.
“You just have to touch your body, sweetheart,” he said sweetly. You thrashed in defiance, crying out quietly with red cheeks. Wiggling your body angrily, you felt his dick half-hard in his pants against your lower back. 
“Can’t you do it?” you whined, wanting nothing more than for him to take over and make you feel good. He sucked in a harsh breath behind you, fingers wrapping around your hands to soothe you still. He seemed to debate your proposal, but eventually he kissed your shoulder and spoke: “Okay, baby, but you have to show me you understand, alright?” you nodded feverishly. “We’re trying to get you to learn.” 
The whole thing had you dizzy, warm and gooey in his hands, and grounding yourself on his solid torso. You had tunnel vision, unable to focus on anything but his warm hands and sweet voice, and how fucking hard he was. You leaned your head up to look at him pleadingly. Even upside-down he was pretty. He giggled at your starstruck expression.
“Look at my hands, pretty,” he tapped your nose and you scrunched it, turning down to your own body, where he sat his hands on your waist. “You do it like this.” 
His hands started dragging over your skin, creating constellations of ghosts on your skin. One dragged across your stomach and down your leg, squeezing it along the way, and the other brushed over your bra-covered chest, landing on your shoulder and collarbones. Then they moved oppositely, then diverged from their chosen paths, and you started breathing heavily. Pressure built up in your stomach and your panties, and you felt how slick started leaking out of you. 
“Feel good?” Seokmin grinned against your neck, listening to the melody of your panted gasps. You nodded earnestly, moaning softly. Seokmin furrowed his brows at that noise, pressing kisses to your neck appreciatively. “Good girl. Such pretty sounds.” 
Both of Seokmin’s hands dragged up to your ribs. There, they paused. “Can I touch your chest, baby?” 
“Please,” you whimpered, and earned another sloppy kiss to the cheek. His hands immediately grabbed ahold of your chest, softly rubbing it over your bra. 
“Does that feel good?” he whispered. You hesitated for a moment. “Um, I don’t feel much, honestly.” 
You’d expect him to be a little angry or defensive, but Seokmin only hummed and nustled himself into your hair. “Good girl. Good girl, being so honest with me. So pretty.” 
You whined at his praise and Seokmin smiled smugly, taking notice of how heated you got from his words. 
“The- the fabric is in the way..” you whimpered meekly, and Seokmin nodded in understanding, stroking your sides soothingly. 
“You want to take off your bra?” he hummed, truly as if it would not expose you to him, as if it weren’t a lewd and depraved scenario, but something as simple as the weather. You nodded, removing yourself from the harbor of his arms once more to remove it. You unclipped it and threw it God knows where, before settling back into him. Seokmin peeked over your shoulder at your now bare breasts, groaning a little and covering it up with a cough. This was about you. 
Seokmin placed his hands on your tits again, massaging and rubbing the soft skin, before he brushed his thumbs over your hardened nipples.
You moaned - for the first time it was a clear moan, seething from your throat and puffing into the air. “Sound so pretty,” he muttered in your ear. “You really like that, hm?”
He pinched your nipples between his fingers, your back arching into his warm hands. Then, as soon as the pleasure had begun, it stopped, when his hands came to rest on the bed. You whined, twisting your head towards his, only to be stopped by fingers on your chin, turning you back forward. “Show me you can do it now, baby. You’re learning,” he reminded you.
 â€œBut, Minnie, I want your hands,” you whined and he tutted softly in your ear. “I know, baby, but I need to know that you’re understanding this in that pretty little head of yours. Need to know you’re focusing. Come on, show me now.” 
Huffing, you placed your own hands (they somehow felt more foreign than his now) on your stomach and began to mimic his movements. You smoothed them up and down on your body, squeezing, then placed them on your chest, rubbing and pinching your nipples. 
“There you go,” he praised, and his hands had traveled to your shoulders, massaging them gently. You whimpered and turned your head to him again.
“Can you teach me how to touch my
” you trailed off.
“Your pussy?” he offered, as if it was nothing, as if it wasn’t vulgar or lewd. You nodded vigorously. Feeling him gulp a little, his hands became a little unsteady as they came to hold your waist again. “Can I hear you say it? Baby?” he asked and suddenly his voice was a little shaky, a little breathless. 
“Can you touch my pussy now, Minnie?” you asked, and any shame had been clouded over with lust. You’d never been this burningly bothered in your life, you needed him to touch you. He groaned, and this time he was unable to cover it up. You felt how his hard cock strained against his sweatpants, how it pressed into your back, and you wanted to touch it so bad. 
“Alright, baby, want your panties off?” His sharp nose was pressed into your hair. You shook your head. “Want them on.” 
He nodded. “Alright, jus’ tell me if you wanna stop, okay? I’m gonna touch you now.” 
His hand slipped under the waistband of your panties, disappearing under the pink fabric. As if they were always meant to be there, his fingers slipped through your folds, coming down to circle your slit in impossibly light figurations. 
“Shit,” he panted, grip on your waist suddenly bruising, as he tried to steady himself. “You’re so wet, baby, you like Seokminnie that much?” 
“Yeah, I do,” you nodded blindly, your own hands coming to grip onto his thighs. His middle finger danced upwards and pressed against your clit, and you immediately squeaked and shut your legs around his hand. 
“No, no, baby, don’t do that,” he frowned, hand that wasn’t buried in your pussy spreading your legs again. You felt how his legs, pressed against you, came to hook onto yours, forcing your legs apart with his own strength. He hummed in content. 
His finger pressed onto your clit again, and he felt how your legs tensed, straining against his to close. Your back arched and you moaned, eyes squeezed shut. He began rubbing it, and it was so intimate, how close you were to him, how his hand navigated your sopping wet pussy, fingers just rubbing you gently, and how bare you were, his eyes training over your bouncing tits when you thrashed. 
His fingers moved downwards again, gathering the wetness that was gushing out of you. Then, one long middle finger pushed into you. Canting into his hand, you moaned loudly and turned your head into his neck. Nosing the tan skin and inhaling his faint cologne, you began mindlessly kitten-licking the skin. His Adam's apple bopped under your tongue.
“You’re so tight,” he rasped, beginning to slowly push his finger in and out of you. His other hand had come to wrap around your waist in an attempt to calm the sudden bucking of your hips against his hand. 
His hand moved faster, obscene, wet sounds coming from your ruined underwear, where he worked diligently into your pussy. He slipped another finger in, and you cried from the stretch. It was becoming hard to contain you, thrashing and writhing against his hold, stuck between wanting to move closer and to move away entirely. His fingers tied a knot in your stomach.
“That’s right, pretty, tell me how good Minnie’s fingers feel,” he whispered hoarsely above your ear. You could almost only whine and moan, nipping at his neck a little. “Tell me or I’ll stop,” he warned.
“Feels so good!” you whined immediately, because if he stopped now, you figured you might start crying. “Feel so, so, so good, fuck, Seokmin, I’m-” 
“I know, baby, I know, but I’m teaching you, right?” 
Though your mind was fuzzy, you sensed what these words meant and panicked, hand coming down to grip his wrist in an attempt to hold him in place. “Please, please, please, Seokmin, don’t stop, please, don’t stop!” 
“Don’t talk back to me, sweetheart. I won’t stop, just talk to me. Tell me what you feel me doing,” pushing your head up again, Seokmin pressed his face against your cheek, so hard, you felt his humid pants against it. 
Your mind was so hazy, so transfixed on the feeling in your stomach and his finger in your pussy, you could hardly respond. 
“Tell me or I’ll stop, baby,” he reminded you again, and you scrambled frantically to focus. 
“Nngh! You’re- pushing in and out-” your voice broke, hips stuttering against his hand, that was continuing its remorseless pace. 
“Yeah, and?”
You furrowed your brows, lips trembling. “You’re- you’re curling them- A-ah!” 
“That’s right. Such a good girl. So smart and clever for me,” Seokmin whispered happily, his other hand slipping down your stomach to circle your clit. Both his hands working pleasure into your pussy, you cried out loudly, head pushed back into his chest.
“Just let go, baby, I can feel you clenching on me so hard. Wan’ me to stay in your pussy forever, hm? Just let go, cum whenever you want, wanna see your pretty face so bad,” somehow Seokmin was just as intoxicated off of lust as you, despite staying, hard and untouched, in his pants. But he babbled mindless praise to you, and you came to his sweet voice whispering in your ear.
Your orgasm sent you hurdling over the edge - the edge, the one you’d been standing at hopelessly for years. You flew across it and landed on Seokmin’s territory; in his arms. 
“Seokmin, a-ah!” you cried, releasing all over his fingers, coating them in your cum. Your entire body arched upwards, as you moaned into the night. Seokmin rode you through your high, pressing sweet kisses into your hair.
You fell limp against his body, worn out, when he finally retracted his fingers from your pussy. You snuggled into his sweater with a content hum. 
Seokmin smiled down at you, eyes brimming with fondness, as his cum-slicked hands wrapped around your torso in a hug, holding you into him. “You did so well,” he whispered genuinely. 
You looked up at him with a tired smile. “Thank you, Seokmin.” 
He held himself back from saying he would do that a thousand times over, in fact, he wouldn’t mind never pulling out - he could live with only one hand. Instead, he pressed a kiss to your forehead and whispered: “Of course, darling.” 
Your brows furrowed and you pulled yourself away from him a little, eyeing the tent in his pants worriedly. “Do you want me to-” 
“No,” he shook his head decidedly. “No, I’ll take care of it.” 
You looked at him with big, innocent eyes, that only furthered the throbbing of his cock. Partially, he wanted to give in so badly. The thought of your hand around his cock, all pouty and innocent and confused, and how heavy it would be in your small hand, had made him cum more times than he’d like to admit. But, he reminded himself, this was about you. This was a favor. “Are you sure?” you asked softly.
“Yes, baby, go to bed. I’m gonna go get you some fresh clothes.” 
You snuggled into bed while Seokmin scurried away to fetch a shirt and some boxers, and when he came back you cooperated limply in taking off your panties, and putting on what he’d given you. You fell asleep in his bed, cuddling his duvet, and surrounded by his scent. 
Seokmin watched you in adoration. How peaceful you looked, chest rising and falling, and a little pout on your lips. 
He wandered through the house, trying simultaneously to get as far from you as possible, and also trying to decide which of his housemates he currently hated the most. He landed on Jeonghan, slipping into his empty room and settling himself on the bed.
There, he fisted his solid fucking cock and bucked into his own hand, eyes squeezed shut to remember how you looked under his hands, how you begged for him, how well you listened, what a good girl you were for him. His moans were trembling and muffled by his own hand, and when he came, he felt momentarily smug, looking at how it dripped over Jeonghan’s sheets (served him right). Then, post-nut clarity sank in, as he reentered his own room and cuddled into you on the bed. 
He felt almost despicable. He felt gross and evil and perverted and lewd, not because of you, but because, as if it were his first time realizing it, he remembered that you were Vernon’s sister. He remembered that he had promised to protect you from manipulative guys and always watch over you, and help you if you needed help, and report to Vernon if you were acting weird. Yet here he was, letting you cum on his hand and groping your tits, as if he was still that teenage boy with that swanky bowl cut. 
After an hour of chewing on his lips and frowning, Seokmin let your sweet perfume lull him to sleep. He dreamt of you. _____________________________
There’s a blissful instant that morning when you wake up, curled into Seokmin’s arms, head nuzzled in his chest. There’s a blissful instant when you tilt your head, staring at his sleeping face, and he’s so beautiful, features all soft and breathing rhythmically. There’s a blissful instant where you see him, and your heart weeps in your chest because he’s so gorgeous.
Then it’s gone.
A panic button is pressed in your head, and your nerve-endings, each one resting on him, begin burning. What had you done? Yesterday feels like a faraway dream, but he’s still wearing that sweater and it grounds you in the reality of what had happened. 
You’re lost. What did this mean for the two of you? Was Seokmin just lusting after you? But that couldn’t be right, you thought, because he’d insisted on only helping you, refused your offers to help him, which now was making you rot in his arms with guilt. Was this genuinely an attempt to help you? To be diligently by your side at the request of your brother? But surely this had been outside of the realm of what was acceptable to help your best friend’s baby sister with? Did that mean he liked you? 
Seokmin awakened from your sudden squirming, as if, with enough shaking and turning, that feelings and thoughts would just fall out of you. They didn’t, they stayed right where they were, and all you were given in return was Seokmin’s eyes fluttering open. 
You watched him go through that same process; the bliss came first and then the panic. Seokmin’s eyes went from adoring to wide and grave and suddenly he was shuffling away from you on the bed, creating a cool distance between you on the landscape of his mattress. You didn’t miss the pink dusting his cheeks.
“Uh- good morning,” he mumbled, and he could only look at his hands. Your throat was unbelievably dry. “Morning.” 
You’re not sure how you both managed, but you went through that morning without mentioning the previous night even once. The air was thick with tension, fleeting glances, and shaky hands, while Seokmin made you both bowls of oatmeal. You stood on the other side of the counter in his shirt and his boxers. 
You ate in his bed. It was silent and heavy and each clink of spoons against the bowl-rims had you both wincing. He put on a TV-show and you sat across from one another, chewing wordlessly to some drama in the background. Your belly was pooling with tension and light cascaded onto you, revealing your pores and flaws. Were you a bad person?
Finally, finally, Seokmin put down his spoon with yet another clink, fingers catching the bridge of his nose and eyes squeezing shut. He huffed into the palm of his hand, swallowing the oatmeal hard. 
“Uh-” he began and his voice cracked, “Y/n. About last night-” 
But you cut him off, and he couldn’t ever, even in his wildest dreams, have imagined that these words would come out of your mouth:
“I want to return the favor.” 
The words were almost spat and discarded, as if they’d been sitting on the tip of your tongue all morning with a foul taste, and you’d only now been able to rid yourself of it. Seokmin snapped his head towards you, a genuine surprise on his face, but he soon wished he hadn’t looked at all. 
You were so pretty, sitting cross legged in his shirt and a blush creeping up your neck and cheeks all shiny in the morning sun. And there was this innocence to your eyes, big lashes shadowing it only a little; this earnestness that told him you really, really wanted to do this for him.
“I-” he chuckled a little, heart clenching at your sweetness, “I can’t ask you to do that.” 
“Well, it’s good that I’m asking you then,” you said, and though the comment was witty, when Seokmin looked at you again, he saw how careful you looked, and how unsure you were of yourself. 
“Listen, N/n,” he reached out to grab your hand, and it was burning into yours, each area of adjoined skin screaming at you with reminders of last night. “You don’t have to do that. I just wanted to make you feel good, I was happy to just be of service to you-” 
“But I want to make you feel good,” you pouted, almost brattily. Seokmin’s gentle expression and tone faded into something darker, as his eyes flitted down to your exposed legs and your heaving chest. He swallowed, putting away his bowl of oatmeal and collecting himself. 
“Are you sure? You need to be absolutely 100% sure-” 
“I’m sure, Minnie. I want to-” you broke off your own words with a squeak, face becoming bright red. You leaned in self-consciously, as if to tell him a secret: “I want to suck your dick.” 
Your whispered admittance had him groaning, groaning at how sweet and innocent your voice was, how you couldn’t even say it loudly, you had to whisper the dirty word to him. He wanted you so badly, wanted to be the one to take away your innocence, to make you all dirty and beg for him, to make you thrash and whine and to teach you how to really feel good. He wanted you.
It’s like a switch had flipped, when Seokmin put his hand on the back of your head, and suddenly you were kissing again. The tension from before was replaced with something wholly different, something hot, something laced in the eye contact he gave you, before he leaned it again. 
And Seokmin was kissing you with a fervor that you recognized from yourself - you both wanted to forget. Wanted to forget Vernon, who, although a great brother and friend, had become a heavy strain on your relationship with Seokmin. So you kissed him and let his tongue in your mouth when it swiped over your bottom lip, and you sucked on it, and you let him and yourself get lost in each other.
The sound of smacking lips and saliva was so lewd too, especially when Seokmin’s hand pulled you from your spot on the bed and into his lap, hands roaming your body, while you tangled into his hair. He was half-moaning into your mouth by the time he pulled away, face flushed and eyes darker and lower and lips swollen red. 
“You gonna let me use that pretty mouth, baby?” he whispered against your lips, one hand palming over his cock through his boxers. You nodded, almost desperately, one hand reaching out to his in his lap. “Can I touch it?” 
Seokmin smiled fondly, looking down at where your small hand was outstretched towards his cock. “Yeah, baby, go ahead.” 
You were a bit clumsy at first, but soon enough you found its outline in his black boxers and you squeezed it a little. Seokmin crooked over, groaning into your shoulder. You felt him get harder and harder against your palm, a small smile at the desperate noises he was making. 
Seokmin had laid his cheek on your shoulder, neck twisting to stare up at you, while you focused solely on touching him, and he hated himself for getting even harder because it was you - you, who he had wanted for so long, who he was hugged into and lying on, while you touched his warm cock.
“You’re so pretty,” he whispered, breathing heavily, and then smiling brightly when you became all sheepish, smiling and looking away, so that you had to pause your actions. He nosed into your neck, regaining some semblance of control over the situation, now that you weren’t touching him, and his breath was warm and humid on your skin. He pressed small kisses up to your jawline, nose flattening against you.
“So, so pretty. Fuck, imagining you with my cock in your mouth, all drooling and shit. Fuck, baby, you gonna let me fuck your mouth?” he rambled, hands finding home on your tits again. You whined and nodded, trying to pry him off of you. Immediately (forever struggling with a little concern that you might’ve changed your mind) he pulls away, looking up at you worriedly. 
“Don’t- don’t touch me, I don’t wanna get.. All hot,” you whispered those words that he had said last night, biting your lip in worry. “I want to do it now.” 
Seokmin melted completely, and in a complete inability to contain his adoration, brushed hair out of your face and pressed a million kisses to your cheeks and your nose. “Okay,” he said in between kisses, and you felt his smile on your skin, “okay, baby. But if it gets too much, tap my thigh three times, okay? If you need anything, if you feel uncomfortable.” 
“Yes, yes,” you huffed, pushing yourself away from him and hopping onto the floor, sinking to your knees before the bed. 
It felt completely unreal - to both of you. How you were suddenly on your knees and how he settled in front of you, bare, thick thighs on either side of your head. Everything was all light and all the places he’d kissed and touched had become holy and glowing on your body. He shimmed his boxers off and you gaped at the sudden exposure of his dick. 
He was hard. Apparently the kissing and groping had been enough, because it slapped against his sweater, leaking silky white liquid from the tip. And he was big - you didn’t exactly have a good point of reference, but you vaguely sensed from Giselle’s words that this was quite a feat. 
And actually seeing it brought a wave of uncertainty on you, not as to whether or not you wanted to do it, but how. So, you blinked up at him with a small frown, voice small when you spoke: “Seokmin.. How- how do I do it?” 
Seokmin practically glowed with adoration, when he petted your head and rubbed your cheek, seemingly so comfortable despite being totally bare. “You just put your lips around it and suck, baby, it’s easy,” he said softly, then added, a little panicked: “And be mindful of your teeth.” 
“But it’s so big,” you marveled, eyes trained on it, and he almost groaned at it, because you sounded so genuinely amazed, so disbelieving. 
“Just put your hands around the parts you can’t reach. I’ll be gentle, baby, don’t worry,” he said. You nodded hesitantly, leaning forward towards it, but his hand in your hair suddenly clenched and pulled you back. You looked up at him and saw his eyes brimming with worry. “You do want this, right?” 
“Yes, please, stop being so- so gentle with me and let me suck your dick!” You whined, fed up with being treated like glass, and tugged his hand out of your hair. Seokmin visibly relaxed at your insistence, nodding. 
Finally, fingers grabbing the base of it, you wrapped your mouth around the tip. You were met immediately with the taste of his pre-cum, licking over where it leaked curiously. Seokmin’s hand found your hair again, gripping it tight to steady himself, as he groaned loudly. You slowly sank down, basking in the whimpers you ripped from his mouth.
“Fuck- you’re- you’re doing so good, baby,” he cried, face twisted in pleasure and head thrown back. You looked up at him and he was so pretty and glowing, panting into the air. 
You sank down as far as you could, feeling the tip sit snug against the back of your mouth, and your hands wrapped around the base of his dick. You looked up at him, experimentally squeezing, and pursing your lips around his dick to suck it carefully.
“A-ah! Fuck!” Seokmin cried, hand that wasn’t in your hair squeezing the edge of his mattress. His thighs were flexing on either side of your head. “You’re- you’re so good at this, sweetheart. Good girl, fuck, such a pretty girl for me, letting me use you like this.” 
You whined at his words, squeezing your thighs together. Seokmin’s hips bucked upwards at the vibrations, hitting the back of your throat. The sudden intrusion was unexpected and you let out a garbled moan around his cock. He panted regretfully: “S-Sorry, baby, d-didn’t mean to do that, you just feel so good. Can- can you bob your head up and down it for me?” 
You did, started moving your head up and down his shaft, and breathing hard through your nose, while your hands squeezed the base of his cock. Looking up at Seokmin, you felt confidence that you were doing something right. He was in heaven, face all scrunched up and breathing as if he’d just ran a marathon. 
And when he peeked his down to you, he could’ve cum immediately. Your pretty lips wrapped around his cock, head bopping with tears in your eyes from the pressure in your throat, and how curious and sparkling they were, gauging his reaction. The groan that clawed its way up from his heart, through his throat and out into his room quickly turned to a whimper. 
“I’m- I’m gonna cum, sweet pea, can I-” he swallowed hard, because even the thought had him close to release. “Can I cum down your throat, pretty?” 
You nodded, a little too preoccupied to answer, but Seokmin got it, and with just a couple more bobs, and the feeling of your wet tongue pressing against the underside of his cock, he spurted into your mouth in long ropes of white, whining at the top of his lungs, and pulling hair from the roots. 
It was, admittedly, a little gross and sticky in your mouth, but it was also hot and you felt proud you’d made him feel good. He was panting, trying to recover, when you pulled off his dick, a satisfied smile on your face. His hand wandered to your face, caressing your cheekbone, before moving down to your puffy lips. 
“Can I-” he was almost embarrassed, “Can I see baby? Can you open your mouth for me?” 
A little confused, you did as told and opened your mouth, sticking out your tongue that was still covered in his sticky release. 
“Fuck,” he groaned at the sight, squeezing his eyes shut and willing himself not to get hard again. “C-Can you swallow it for me, beautiful?” 
Still confused, you nodded and gulped it down, trying not to look like it felt as gross as it did. If Seokmin noticed, he didn’t remark it, because he only groaned again, and pulled you by your face into a sloppy, heated kiss. 
“So, so, so good for me,” he whispered, not letting you out of the kiss, even when saliva dripped down your chin. “Such a good girl, letting me use her mouth, such an obedient, good girl.” 
You whined into his mouth at those words, bothered by the aching in your core that his moans and his blissed out face had caused, and now those words repeated over and over: Good girl.
He grinned into your mouth. “Yeah? You like being my good girl, right? Like doing your best for Seokminnie?” 
“Yes,” you murmured breathlessly, too lost in the feeling of his mouth and his hands rubbing your waist to come up with anything better.
Seokmin pulled away with a warm smile, both hands coming up to cup your cheeks. “You did well,” was all he said, and you could genuinely cry, because that was it - you just wanted to know you did well. 
“I’m gonna go clean up, okay?” he said, waiting for you to nod in response before he pushed himself off the bed, snatching a new pair of boxers from a drawer on his way out of the door. 
You threw yourself on the bed, closing your eyes contentedly. 
He liked you. You were sure of it now, when you thought back to how his eyes had balked at you so wonderfully, how careful and attentive he’d been. You were certain, and your heart smiled and you smiled and your hair was sprawled out on his sheets and for the first time, that desert wasteland in your head welcomed you and took you in, and you were right where you were supposed to be. 
Until your phone started buzzing. 
It was dancing across the sheets violently at someone's call and you peeked open one eye tiredly to pick it up. And when you did, the desert turned on you. Caught in a sandstorm, you held your phone between your fingers and felt your heart drop, lowered into the acid bath of your stomach.
It was Vernon.
Vernon, who was Seokmin’s best friend. Vernon, who was your brother. Vernon, who had always yelled at you to leave his room whenever he had Seokmin over. Vernon, who didn’t like when you talked to any guys at all, who had recruited his best friend to watch over you and take care of you. Vernon, whose best friend had just had his dick in your mouth. 
You heard the shower running distantly when you clicked accept, hoping to God that you didn’t look too disheveled. 
“Hi, N/n!” Vernon cheered immediately on the other end. His face popped up on your screen, a bright smile on his face. You smiled too - you missed your brother - but it was half faded, and Vernon noticed immediately. 
“Hi, Vern,” you said softly. His brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” 
Of course, he could read you like a book. Of course, he knew that you were distant and nervous. You sighed heavily, trying desperately to collect yourself, to remember how you usually behaved, but for some reason, that you was far gone, and you had to be splayed on his screen, like a person replaced by something peregrine. 
“I’m a little stressed out,” you mumbled. “Got a lot of papers and stuff, that’s why I’m not home.” 
“Come home next break, okay? We miss you and you need to get out of that place every once in a while.” 
You nodded. 
Vernon’s eyes narrowed suddenly, and you saw him lean closer to the screen (which would have been funny, were you not suddenly wondering if there was leftover cum on your face). “Hey, where are you right now?” 
“My friend,” you said quickly - too quickly. “Her name’s Yunjin, we’re working together in chem.” 
Vernon hummed, seemingly content with your answer. “Your friend has the same bed sheets as Seokmin.” 
Shit, yeah, they facetimed every week, you remembered, cringing at yourself for not thinking of it earlier. You tried to play it cool, shrugging: “Weird.”
“Yeah, anyway-” 
Vernon rambled on and on about something or other, but you were unable to focus, watching the door to Seokmin’s room with a worried frown.
Moreover, you felt like a whore. Realistically, you hadn’t even lost your virginity. But sleeping with your brother’s best friend suddenly felt way more real now that you were talking to said brother, now that you were lying to his face, and you felt dirty and gross and you wished you could stand before Vernon, as the same baby sister that you had been before. But you weren’t. You were disgusting.
“Vernon, I gotta go,” you cut him off, and you hadn’t heard a word. Vernon’s excited expression dropped and he furrowed his brows. 
“Are you okay?” he asked, and you thanked the pixels for concealing at least a bit of the worry on his face. 
“Yeah, I just- I really need to get going,” you said. “Bye, Vernon!”
“By-” 
You disconnected the call and gathered your things, put your own clothes back on. Throwing Seokmin’s clothes onto his floor felt like shedding a second skin - a skin that had made you ugly and greedy and lustful. You only kept his boxers on, lumping the dress over your shoulders to drape over you in an unsightly and unorganized way. 
You spared a glance at the wrapped condom on his bedside table, long lost and forgotten by now. You could leave it. You could leave it and have a reason to come back, a reason to slip across that ledge again and fall into his arms and his mouth and his warmth. You almost did. Almost left it right there, where it begged to belong. But you snatched it off the counter, ignoring the way your heart clenched when you did, and slipped it into your tote bag. And you left, jumping across the border that separated you and back into your own wasteland. And it was so cold and so empty. You were alone again.
Seokmin came out of the shower, expecting to see you cuddled up in his bed, all soft and beautiful. But you weren’t there. Seokmin understood immediately. The condom was gone and so were you, only the perfume in his sheets remained, willing him to remember. And he cried. He sobbed into his own hands, because what had he done? 
You did not see each other the rest of that day. Or the next day. _____________________________
Seokmin wanted to let you disappear. He wanted you to slip away and he wanted to forget it had even happened - like a burning star dies out and leaves only a faint warmth behind, lasting years. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t let you go, couldn’t bear knowing he’d never hold you in his arms again, never see you laugh again, never see you cum again. And he couldn’t bear knowing that maybe he’d read it wrong; maybe he’d made you uncomfortable, maybe you’d felt obligated. 
So he texted you. For two days his texts came in sporadically and unsuccessfully. Questioning and pleading, he wanted to know it wasn’t true. 
Lee Seokmin: why’d you leave? 
Lee Seokmin: can we talk??
Lee Seokmin: i miss u
Lee Seokmin: i need to know i didnt hurt you
Lee Seokmin: can you please answer? 
Each text came more painful than the last. Each text came more pleading. You sat alone in your room, in the dark, having only his one sided chats to light up your tear-streaked face. 
Eventually they stopped coming. You thought they would. You thought, you knew, eventually he’d give up. But what hurt the most was knowing he wanted you too; knowing he liked you as much as you liked him. You’d seen it in his eyes, when his hand slipped between your legs, and you’d seen it when he came staring down at you.
But you preferred to remember Seokmin for how he was.
How he was small and young, how he had a swanky bowlcut and how he looked in his school uniform. How he and your big brother, Vernon, had bonded and watched movies together in your living room, and the countless dinners he’d stayed over for, always so respectful to your parents and you. You preferred to remember when he didn’t love you back. 
The pain that had been tethered to your youth and to him, back when he was unreachable, just a figure you could marvel at, was so much duller compared to this pain, the one pulsed in your heart now: the pain of him loving you back, but still being off-limits. Something that could be, but was destined to die out. And it did, when he stopped texting you, you felt that unborn child’s soul leave your own. Alone again.
And then suddenly, you weren’t. 
A stern knock on your door. You flinched at the sound, fearing the worst. You were in your bed, in your sweatpants and your sweater and that condom was on the bedside table, watching the door with you. 
Another knock.
“Y/n, I know you’re in there!” 
Seokmin. Of course, it was Seokmin. No one else would come for you. But it was all too painful. You feared the worst - feared that seeing him, you would collapse into him again, and that this time you wouldn’t be able to find your way back. 
“Open the door, Y/n,” his voice was serious.
“Go away, Seokmin!” you yelled, voice breaking halfway. 
A pause. When Seokmin spoke again, he was not angry anymore; he was vulnerable.
“Y/n. I-I know you don’t want to talk to me, but-” he paused, wincing at himself and you knew there was tears in his eyes. “But I need to know that I didn’t make you uncomfortable.” 
You thought that you could handle the self-blame Seokmin omitted - maybe that’s just because it was words on a screen. But hearing him crying outside your door, and how real he was when his hand knocked vigorously, it tore down each and every one of your last defenses. 
“I need- I need to hear that you’re okay and that I-” 
“I’m opening the door,” you interrupted him, and sure enough you padded to the door and swiftly unlocked it. 
And then you were standing before one another. It was like time stopped, how the air stilled around you, and how the world quieted down. He was all crumpled paper hearts, all deflated and broken, and his hair was messy and his eyes were dark, but they sparkled again, just at the sight of you, and yours at him. 
“It’s not your fault,” you whispered, breaking the enchantment cast upon you. The real world came crashing down, the people in the streets and birds in the trees and wind coursing through the leaves. The light that you’d shut out with a firm tug to the curtains was dancing on your linoleum floor. “It’s my fault. It’s- I talked to Vernon and I- I feel like shit, Seokmin. I feel like a slut.” 
“You’re a virgin!” Seokmin scoffed, but it did nothing to calm you. 
“It felt wrong! Because I- because you’re Vernon’s friend. Because Vernon never likes when I date guys, and because now I’ve been fooling around with his best friend,” you defended yourself, biting your lip when tears stung your eyes. Seokmin softened. “I just felt guilty. And gross.” 
“You’re not gross, you’re in love,” he said softly, and your eyes locked. Everything about him was pleading - he was just short of literally falling to his knees, begging for you to hear him out. “And- and with me, of all people!” 
“Seokmin-” 
“And I’m in love with you too,” his voice was an urgent whisper, not daring to let you speak again, to let you try and steer him away. 
“Of all people,” you mumbled, a small smile finding your lips. Seokmin smiled too. 
“So.. I’m tired of hearing you talk about yourself like this. I’m tired of Vernon being the one keeping us apart. I want- I want you to know that Vernon would understand.”
You shook your head dismissively. He wouldn’t. 
“I know him too! You know? Maybe better than you,” he pouted a little, and it made you laugh, and everything was becoming lighter, and for better or worse you really did want to jump into his arms again. “He shouldn’t be the thing stopping you from dating me- or- or anyone, really. But especially me.” 
You giggled again, and Seokmin’s heart palpitated in his chest at that sound - and at being the source of it. Then the laughter trailed off and your smile tightened and your heart tightened: “I just don’t want to sneak around-” 
“Okay! Say no more!” Seokmin interrupted, hand held out as if to calm a mighty beast. He casually pulled out his phone, tongue in his cheek, as he called your brother. Vernon.
It rang for a few seconds, put on speaker. You couldn’t help the nervousness. Couldn’t help the pinch in your nerves, building up from your stomach and into your heart. Then he answered. 
“Hey, dude, what’s up?” Vernon’s voice glitched on the other end of the line, utterly oblivious (as always). Seokmin spoke, hand on his hip: “Hey, just curious, how would you feel if me and your sister started dating?” 
There was a moment of silence. On Vernon’s end, you imagined it was simply puzzled, but on your end, you stood with your heart all big and floaty, like a balloon in your hand, waiting for him to say that he’d hate it, that he’d kill him, and pop your heart with a simple word to prick. That wasn’t what he said though. Vernon said:
“I mean, yeah, man, I’d prefer you over any of those other college douchebags. I at least know you’d take care of her for real, man, not like that Jeonghan guy you were going on about.” 
Your heart balloon took off, and the boundary between you and Seokmin filled itself with sand. Had it been imaginary? This whole time? You couldn’t help the wheeze you left you, overwhelmed with relief and joy. 
“I know, man, Jeonghan’s the worst,” Seokmin said casually, but he was grinning from ear to ear at your reaction. You’d buckled over in silent laughter, unable to contain the glee. It seemed to dramatic now 
“The worst,” Vernon repeated. Then he pursed his lips and spoke again: “So you’re dating my sister?” 
“Uh, you know, I think we’re making it official in a second, yeah,” Seokmin said and even Vernon could hear the smile in his voice. 
“Cool, man, yeah, I kind of figured, she facetimed me with your ugly ass bed sheets in the background, and I thought, no way, a girl would buy those bed sheets.” 
“Lay off my sheets, man.” 
Both of the men laughed and you did too, crying laughing and covering your mouth to contain. Your chest was fluttering with butterflies and light and love.
“Hey, man, for real, if you hurt her, I know where you live, bro,” Vernon was suddenly serious. 
“I wouldn’t dream of it, man,” Seokmin responded, equally as serious now. He eyed you, then spoke into the phone again: “Hey, I gotta go make sweet love to your sister.” 
“Ew, dude, don’t say tha-” 
And the phone was hung up and Seokmin was laughing with you, eyes crescent and smile wide and toothy, and cheeks all red and shiny, he doubled over and took your hands in his. “I told you, didn’t I?” 
“Shut up, Lee,” you said, pulling him by the hand and letting him kiss you. Letting yourself kiss him. Letting yourself back into his arms, and this time Seokmin had crossed the border, and had fallen into you, and you stood there together and you were in love. 
So, so in love, your lips entangled and danced together, and your hands dragged up the back of his neck and his up your waist. 
And you realized, his tongue in your mouth, this was how you preferred to remember Seokmin; completely and utterly in love with you, and dancing with you in your room, and smiling into the kiss, and hands running up your body. You preferred to remember him as yours, and yourself as his. 
Seokmin guided you to your bed, pulling your body into his lap. Then he pulled away, completely out of breath, and smiling at you like a twinkling star. 
“Think we can finally break open that condom now?” 
“Fuck yes,” you said.
And then you did.
3K notes · View notes
daisymbin · 3 months ago
Text
my biggest secret! - lee seokmin
warnings: none! oh, "dumbass" used once if that counts as a warning?
pairings: lee seokmin x reader
genre: drunken confession, friends to lovers
wc: 1.3k
a/n: this fic might be fluff but irl I'm barking over those abs PLEASE just one chance lee seokmin
drunken confessions series
check out my masterlist! // seokmin's m.list
seokmin was in high spirits as usual, his laugh booming and eyes crinkling as he clung onto your arm, already tipsy and far more affectionate than usual.
“i love you, you know that?” he declared, leaning his head onto your shoulder. you rolled your eyes but smiled, used to seokmin’s clinginess when he drank.
“yeah, yeah, you’ve said that ten times already tonight,” you teased, but seokmin only tightened his grip, burying his face into the crook of your neck.
“but it’s true,” he mumbled, the warmth of his breath tickling her skin. “you’re so great.”
meanwhile, mingyu, seungkwan, soonyoung & jeonghan started a game of truth or dare, and soon seokmin was pulled back into the chaos, dragging you along with him, your hands still intertwined. his need for physical contact didn’t go unnoticed, and his friends exchanged knowing smiles as seokmin refused to let go, giggling and clinging to you as if his life depended on it.
“alright, seokmin!” mingyu called out with a mischievous grin. “truth or dare?”
seokmin’s eyes sparkled with a challenge. “dare,” he said, puffing out his chest dramatically, earning laughter from everyone.
“i dare you
 to do your most embarrassing dance move in front of all of us,” mingyu said, barely holding back his laughter.
seokmin’s eyes widened, and he groaned loudly. “nooooo, mingyu, why?” he whined, but his smile never wavered. reluctantly, he lets go of your hand just long enough to stumble to his feet and perform the silliest, most exaggerated dance move he could muster, waving his arms around and flailing like a muppet. everyone burst into laughter, the room filling with cheers and claps as seokmin collapsed onto the floor in mock exhaustion.
you couldn’t help but laugh, tears forming at the corners of your eyes. seokmin, red-faced and still giggling, crawled back over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his head on your lap. “did i impress you?” he asked, looking up at you with wide, hopeful eyes.
“definitely,” you said, running a hand through his messy hair. he hummed contentedly, closing his eyes and nuzzling closer.
“okay, okay, your turn!” soonyoung said, pointing at you. “truth or dare?”
you smirked. “truth.”
“boring!” soonyoung groaned, but he leaned forward, eyes sparkling with curiosity. “what’s the most embarrassing thing seokmin’s ever done in front of you?”
seokmin’s eyes shot open, and he sat up, clinging even tighter to you. “nooooo, don’t tell them!” he begged, his voice cracking in mock terror.
you chuckled, looking at him fondly. “be careful! we don't want to have to deal with a sulky & pouty seokmin.” seungkwan warned.
“okay, fine. but remember that time you tried to serenade me with that cheesy love song and tripped over your guitar case in the middle of the chorus?” you teased.
seokmin’s face turned even redder, and he groaned, hiding his face in your lap. “why would you bring that up?” he whined, making everyone laugh even harder.
the game continued, the atmosphere buzzing with laughter and energy. seokmin’s clinginess only intensified, and he kept his hands on you—holding your hand, leaning his head against your shoulder, & even playing with the ends of your hair absentmindedly; as if it was all so natural for him. he was practically glued to you, and his cheeks were flushed a deep red from both the alcohol and his constant smiles.
“alright, seokmin, truth or dare?” jeonghan asked, his voice smooth and teasing.
seokmin perked up, a little too enthusiastically. “truth!” he declared, squeezing your hand like he needed the extra courage.
jeonghan’s eyes gleamed with mischief, “what’s the biggest secret you’ve been keeping from all of us?”
the room went silent for a split second before bursting into oohs and curious whispers. seokmin bit his lip, glancing nervously at you. his grip on your hand tightened, and his laughter suddenly seemed forced, his eyes betraying his inner turmoil.
“biggest secret?” he echoed, stalling for time. he swallowed hard, and you could feel his palm starting to sweat. you glanced over at him, eyebrows raised, and whispered, “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
but seokmin shook his head, the playfulness draining from his expression. he was quiet for a moment, the tension thick in the air, before he turned to face you fully. his eyes were glassy, and he let out a nervous laugh.
“my biggest secret,” he began, voice cracking, “is that i’m completely, hopelessly in love with you.”
the room fell silent, and all eyes turned to the two of you. seokmin’s face was a deep shade of red, and he looked like he was about to burst into tears as the realisation of what he said dawned on him. he immediately slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide with horror. “oh no,” he mumbled, voice muffled. “oh no, oh no, oh no.”
you were frozen in place, heart pounding so loud in your chest you could hear it in your ears. “s-seokmin-ah
” you whispered, but he shook his head frantically, his other hand reaching out to grip your arm like it was a lifeline.
“i’m so sorry,” he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. “i didn’t mean to say it like that, not when i’m drunk, not like this.” his words began to tumble out faster, voice cracking with panic. “i ruined everything, didn’t i? you’re gonna hate me now that i ruined out friendship like this and-and i just-”
before he could finish, you leaned in and kissed him, cutting off his frantic rambling, hoping this somehow reassures him. his eyes widened in shock, but then they fluttered shut, and he melted into the kiss, kissing you back instinctively, his grip on you tightening impossibly more. the cheers and whoops from your friends faded into the background as you pulled away just enough to rest your forehead against his, your faces inches apart.
“you didn’t ruin anything,” you whispered as you smiled up at him. you pray he doesnt notice the trembling in your voice.
seokmin’s eyes were still dazed, his lips parted as he tried to process what had just happened. “you
 kissed me,” he said softly, his voice full of wonder, almost as if he still doesn't understand why you kissed him.
you nodded, cheeks flushed. “i did.”
his eyes slowly lit up as he starts to understand why, a smile breaking through his glassy eyes, and he let out the loudest, happiest laugh, his joy so contagious that the boys around him couldn’t help but smile. he leaned into your touch, his heart bursting with love and relief, and whispered, “this is the best truth or dare ever.”
“okay okay very sweet, really,” soonyoung said, “but I asked you, what's the biggest secret you've been keeping from us, you still didn't answer us!”
“what do you mean?” seokmin asked.
“it means we all knew you were in love with her, you dumbass! it was so obvious to everyone!” soongoing exclaimed, genuinely in shock that seokmin thinks he's slick. “come on, answer us and finish the game!” soonyoung whined.
seokmin’s laughter rang out again, filling the room with warmth. he looked around at his friends, still clinging to you like you were the only thing grounding him. “fine, fine,” he said, the last traces of his embarrassment melting away as he gazed back at you with stars in his eyes. “my biggest secret? it’s that i’m the luckiest guy in the world... because the person i've been in love with for the past 3 years just kissed me.”
your friends groaned and cheered in equal measure, and you couldn’t help but join in the laughter, your heart feeling lighter than ever.
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miniseokminnies · 21 days ago
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hashtag black heart —- l.sm
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đ–Šč pairing: lee seokmin x f!reader đ–Šč theme: camboy!seokmin, roommates to lovers đ–Šč w/c: 2.8k đ–Šč warnings: 18+ MDNI, online dynamics, oral sex [f. receiving], pet names, praise kink, lots of whining, embarrassing moments, one awful date (not with seokmin), unprotected sex (that's a no no) đ–Šč a/n: shout out to that anon that pitched something similar to me a while back but i lost the ask ;-; huge thanks to @lovetaroandtaemin for jumping at the opportunity to beta this monstrosity for me đ–Šč tags: @gyubakeries, @seungkw1, @myhimbomingi
You should really stop letting your friends convince you to do things.  The decisions they talk you into are questionable at best.  Like that time Soonyoung convinced you that it would be easy to raid your parents’ liquor cabinet and go on a “bender” before walking across the stage at graduation.  The problem with this plan was that your older brother had already tried it and replaced the alcohol with apple juice successfully.  This didn’t stop Soonyoung from swearing he was drunk and embarrassing himself in front of your entire class and their families while taking his diploma from your principal an hour after sipping warm apple juice from the mouth of a whiskey bottle.
Soonyoung (and his girlfriend, Jenna) was once again the driving force behind your poor decision today as well.  He knew this “great guy” from one of his dance classes in college and seemed to think the two of you would really hit it off.  After confirming this with Jenna, who agreed that he was a nice guy with similar interests to you, you hesitantly agreed to go on a date with him.  
 That’s how you ended up in the most awkward situation you have ever encountered.  After almost an hour of disappointing heavy petting, he came in his pants and drove you home. He told you to call him, as if that would ever happen. You slid your keys into the lock and did a quick check of your apartment to see if your roommate (another person Soonyoung introduced you to) was home.    
Once you had confirmed that he was not home, you slipped into your room and locked the door behind you.  Quietly, like you were keeping a secret from even yourself, you settled under your covers and unlocked your phone.  You click on the folder with a little black heart beneath it and swipe past three pages of apps before you get to the one you’re looking for.  The page loads quickly and you scroll through the homepage, full of cam boys on full display until one in particular catches your eye. 
He wasn’t live, you never seem to catch him as he kept a strange schedule.  You didn’t mind, it somehow felt less shameful to watch the recordings of his live streams than actually getting off to someone touching themselves on the other side of a screen in real time.  The page was active recently, the newest video having an indicator saying that it was streamed three hours ago, while you were out on your terrible date. 
You tap the video and your screen is filled with the view of his toned abs. The other thing you like about this one in particular is that he remains completely anonymous.  His face is always out of frame, apart from a few videos where you caught a glimpse of his lips, these were your favorite ones.       
You watched the screen intently as he lifted his hand and trailed it down the sea of tan skin in the frame, moving lower and lower.  His long fingers wrapped around his stiff cock lightly, and you hear his breath hitch behind the camera as he begins to stroke himself slowly. The sounds of his pleasure went straight to your core, you could feel the heat begin to pool in your stomach.  The man on your phone began to swipe the precum from his weeping slit and work it down his shaft.      
You placed a hand over your own breast and tweaked your nipple over your shirt.  The cam boy on your screen whined breathily as you both worked yourselves up.  You watched him as he sped up his strokes, and your mouth went dry as the arousal dripped in your panties. Your fingers trailed down your own body, just as the man’s did a few minutes ago, painfully slowly.  Your fingers dipped into your underwear.  More noises were coming from your phone now, and you’ve watched this man enough to know that he was getting close.  
His hands were so pretty, so gentle and slender, you just knew he would be able to reach places inside of you that you couldn’t.  You inserted two fingers into yourself and sighed.  Pumping slowly, still working yourself towards your high, you looked back at your screen.  He was fucking up into his fist now, sloppily chasing his high.  At the visual you all but threw your phone on your bed in favor of using that hand to stimulate your own clit.  You could still hear the sound of his skin and his breathless moans from your phone speaker, and at this point, that was enough.  
You began to lose control and buck your hips to the rhythm.  The coil in your stomach was tightening and threatening to snap.  Your own moans bounced off the walls of your bedroom as you rock yourself against your fingers and circle the bundle of nerves. The coil snaps as your sounds mix with his, your vision explodes into fireworks as your orgasm ripples through your body.  You ride your fingers through the pleasure.  
After a few minutes of this you grab for your phone to exit out of the video, but not before looking at the man on the screen, spent and covered in his own cum.  The visual is almost enough to make you want to go again, but you forced yourself to close out and go get cleaned up.   
You returned to your room a few minutes later and began to scroll through your food delivery apps, since you could not be bothered with cooking tonight.  The problem was that absolutely nothing you could order sounded appetizing right now.  You let out a frustrated sigh and flopped back on your bed.  You stared at your ceiling for several minutes.  
A series of knocks on your bedroom startled you.  
“Y/N!” Your roommate called.  “I’m making dinner, want in?” You scrambled up and unlocked the door.  His hand was still raised from when he knocked.  
“I very much want in.” 
“Okay,” he laughed.  You have lived with him for the last six months, before that you lived with Soonyoung.  When he and Jenna got serious she asked him to move in and he practically jumped at the opportunity.  He was a considerate roommate and an even better friend, so he stayed until it was time to renew the lease.  You were worried about affording the apartment by yourself, so he came up with a solution for that too.  The solution was named Seokmin, and you had no idea who he was.  
Luckily for Seokmin, you tend to just go along with things Soonyoung suggests, and you had no other friends needing a place to live.  So, Seokmin it was.  He was a good roommate.  He mostly kept to himself, but there are some days where he invited you to dinner in the living room. 
“What are we having?” You ask, leaning against the counter.  
“We have a frozen pizza.” He shrugged.
“Perfect!” You exclaimed sarcastically and moved to preheat the oven. 
“Movie?” 
“Sure, pick whatever.” You rifle through the fridge, “Beer?”        
“You read my mind,” he called from the small living room.  You grabbed one for each of you.  He was sitting on the couch flipping through movies on Netflix.  Plopping down next to him you held the bottle out to him.  You watched him wrap his fingers around the neck of the bottle, the grip looked familiar.  Almost as if you saw those fingers around something else just an hour ago—
“Oh my God!” You gasped.  
“What?” He turned to you frantically, “What happened?”   
“I–” you sputtered, “The Queen of England died.” 
“Yeah?” He raised an eyebrow at you, “Like three years ago.” 
“Yeah,” you scrambled up off the couch, “Crazy! I’ll be right back!” You didn’t give him time to respond before you were practically running to the bathroom.  You threw on the sink and splashed water in your face.  Okay, so, you just touched yourself to a video of your roommate, a video that he uploaded online, one of many.  Your shy, considerate, admittedly cute roommate is a camboy, your favorite camboy.   
You avoided Seokmin for the next week.  You could not look at him, now that you knew what he sounded like when he came.  When you did catch glimpses of him, before hurrying away to your room, you were more and more sure of the fact that it was him.  His gorgeous lips were burned into your memory from the first time you saw them.  You’re honestly surprised you didn’t put two and two together earlier.  The fact that you knew he only ever went live when you weren’t home, that didn’t help his case.    
You pulled your knees to your chest and opened that folder with the black heart.  Against your better judgement you went straight to his page, something you hadn’t done since that day.  You scrolled through all of the streams, his body looking delicious in each one.  You squeezed your thighs together, you cannot be doing this right now, or ever again.  The sound of a key turning in the front door of your apartment made you throw your phone to the other end of the couch as if it was hot to the touch.  Seokmin spotted you before you had the chance to run from him this time.  
“Hey!” He exclaimed and scrambled to close the door as you attempted, once again, to escape him.  “Wait!” You turned back to him slightly, hearing his pleading tone.  When you caught a glimpse of him, the look on his face matched his tone. “Did
did I do something wrong?” He wrung his hands together.  
“No, not at all.” You assured him, barely above a whisper.  
“Then why have you been avoiding me?” He looked as if he might stomp his foot, like a petulant child.  “I just felt like we were really starting to get used to each other, and maybe even
maybe we were friends. Then you found out the Queen died, and you’ve been weird!” 
“I know,” you mumbled looking at your feet on the carpet.  
“You know that you’ve been weird?” He took a step toward you.  
“No, Seokmin, I know,” you unlocked your phone and held it out to him. His eyes widened to a size you had never seen as he took in the sight of his own body on your phone screen. You watched him scroll for a few seconds, making sure this was really him, before he looked up at you.   
“Y/N, I am so sorry,” he clutched your phone in his hands and you had to stop your thoughts from wandering.  “You let me move in without knowing me, and I brought this into your home.” You shook your head as he continued, “No seriously, this was so disrespectful of me and if you want me to move out—wait
” You could almost see the gears turning in his head, “How do you know about this?”     
“I—” Your mouth felt dry, you wanted to run away. 
“Do you watch my videos?” He tried to sound confident but the scarlet blush creeping up his cheeks gave him away.   
“I, uh, may have seen one or two
”
“When was the last time,” his confidence was rising now. 
“Um..the day I ‘found out’ the Queen died
” You muttered. “Right before you got home
” You whispered, the heat rose in your cheeks.  He blinked at you for a moment before crossing the room over to you.  
“Did you finish?” His eyes turned dark and his voice lowered.  You nodded up at him, you weren’t sure how he got this information out of you when just a moment ago both of you were too embarrassed to even look at each other.  It didn’t matter, though, not with the way he looked down at you, and how three words made you wet.
His nimble fingers wrapped around your wrist, and he dragged you back to the couch.  He sat you down gently and sank to his knees in front of you.  You spread your legs for him to shuffle closer to your clothed core.  “I started this whole thing to gain confidence, you know?”
“You..you seem pretty confident now..” You were distracted by the vision in your head of him parting your folds with his tongue.
“Well,” he hooked his thumbs under the waistband of your shorts and underwear, “my roommate I’ve been crushing on since I moved in has seen me get myself off, and she liked it.”  
“Mhmm,” you pressed your thighs together, “and?”   
“Well,” he began to slowly pull your clothes down your thighs, “if I would have known the times I heard her trying to keep quiet were already because of me, I would have offered to help her out.”   You didn’t even have time to be embarrassed about him hearing you before he had your bottoms off and fluttering to the floor.  
He spread your legs apart and settled on the floor between them.  He leveled himself with your dripping cunt and licked the first fat stripe.  A gasp ripped from your throat at the contact.  Your vision from a few seconds ago became a reality as he ran his tongue slowly through your folds.  Your hands found his hair, and he hummed contentedly into your heat.  HIs arms wrapped around your thighs and pulled you closer to him, as if he couldn’t get enough of you.  The new closeness brought his sharp nose into contact with your clit, eliciting a lewd moan from you.  
He dipped his tongue in your entrance experimentally as his nose continued to stimulate the bundle of nerves.  You felt like you might explode.  Everything was Seokmin, his mouth, his fingers gripping the plush of your thighs, the way his moans into your cunt mixed with your own.  You felt like you were about to break.  He could tell.  You bucked your hips to meet his face, chasing your high.    
You came undone as Seokmin was tasting you.  He would drink it all up if he could.  Reluctantly, he tore himself away.  You swore you almost came again at the beauty of his mouth and nose covered in the essence of you. His pupils were blown out, almost covering the brown of his irises.  You leaned forward and kissed him, deep and hard, you didn’t even care that you could taste yourself on his lips.  He whimpered against you.  
“Let me take care of you, Min,” you whispered.  
“No.” He shook his head.  You pulled back and looked at him, confused. “Use me.” He begged.  This man was on his knees in front of you, begging.  
“What do you want?” 
“Make me your toy,” he said breathlessly, “use me like you do when you watch me, please?” His eyes were big and round.  You nodded and pushed him onto his back on the floor.  You climb onto him and straddle his hips.  He was overwhelmed already, looking up at you.  You ground your hips down onto his hard cock and he let out another whimper.  Leaning forward you trapped his hands above his head.  
“Leave those there while I undress you, pretty boy,” he nodded eagerly and you moved to remove his pants and boxers.  Once free, you took in the sight of his pretty cock in person for the first time.  Seokmin’s hands were big, so you never realized just how big he was elsewhere as well. You swiped some of the precum that was drowning the bulbous head and worked it down his shaft.  “Ready?” 
He nodded again, you were half convinced that he couldn’t form words.  You lined yourself up above him and slowly sank down on his cock. 
“F-fuck
” There was his voice.  He took the word right out of your mouth.  The stretch was delicious, he fit inside of you perfectly.  You gave yourself a second to adjust before he was whining and begging you to move. You rocked your hips experimentally, and he felt better inside of you than originally thought.  He was already thrusting up to meet you.  
“Eager,” you remarked. You moved up and down, feeling each delicious drag against your walls.  Seokmin, ever eager to please, left his hands above his head as he was told.  “You can touch me.” You breathed.  His hands flew to your hips and began to guide your rocking on his cock.  “You’re such a good boy, waiting for permission.” He whimpered at your praise.  You could feel the telltale signs of your orgasm approaching.  
“Baby ‘m gonna cum,” he sighs.  The familiar sounding sighs sent you hurtling toward your own high.  His thrusts from under you became sloppy and quick.  Your second orgasm washed over you in waves, and you felt like you were floating.  Quickly after yours began, Seokmin came undone, and he released hot white ropes inside of your spent cunt.  
He pulls you into a kiss and lays you down on his chest.  The apartment is quiet as the two of you come down from your highs.  After a few minutes Seokmin breaks the carefully crafted silence, “Baby?” 
“Mmmm?” You hum.  
“You knew that the Queen was dead, didn’t you?”   
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kyeomszone · 7 days ago
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break your heart right back ○ lee dokyeom
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tags. lovers to exes mingyu. rough sex. model! mingyu. cheating. baseball player! dokyeom. penetrative sex. gentle sex. body worship. oral sex (fem receiving). overstimulation. fem reader.
synopsis. when your boyfriend decides it's a good idea to fuck you over, you decided to do the prettiest thing you could think of and if it ends up landing you a boyfriend? Well, you aren't complaining.
masterlist.
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You barely get a chance to open your mouth before Mingyu's lips are on yours, it’s a blur of hurried hands after that, your shirt dropping to the floor, his large hands groping your breasts as he moves, the two of you stumbling and falling on to the bed.
Mingyu towers over you, large form caging you in and eyes zeroed in on the way your chest heaves as you desperately try to fill your lungs with air, get rid of whatever burn there is in your lung before Mingyu’s lips are back onto yours.
It’s a little strange today, him━ his demeanour. It’s too rough, too intense, too silent. When the air wasn’t filled with your soft moans and whines, it would usually hold Mingyu’s words, tone soft and warm and as sweet as his hold on you, whispers of sweet nothings and praises making your mind fuzzy.
And yet, it’s quiet, the room filled with the sound of your harsh pants and his sharp gaze on you as he waits for you to catch your breath. 
When he notices the rise and fall of your lungs isn’t as harsh as before, he leans down, lips slotting against yours, tongue licking your mouth open and tracing it, sucking on yours as his hands wander to take off your pants along with your underwear. His fingers work to spread your folds, spreading the wetness and pressing against your cilt making your body arch as you moan into his mouth.
You feel his mouth curve against yours and your mind pauses, stepping back from the pleasure to realise that it was the first time you had felt your boyfriend be himself.
“Focus on me,” Mingyu orders, noticing your distracted self, punctuating his words by pushing two fingers into your sopping hole, your breath hitching at the sudden stretch. You swallow a moan, lifting your head slightly to kiss him again as he works you with his fingers.
It doesn’t take you long before your thighs are shaking, tightening around his waist as you feel a coil in your lower stomach that grows tighter and tighter by the second and━
Your eyes snap open as you look at Mingyu, a small whine falling from your lips and you feel the coil loosen, your impending orgasm slowly disappearing from reach. 
“In due time baby,” Mingyu mutters against your lips before he pulls away to take off his pants, the item of clothing dropping to the floor along with his underwear. You take a minute to appreciate his form, bulging muscles, sculpted stomach and thighs you can sink your teeth into. God he was gorgeous, you knew he was, with his work as a model and all but fuck, some days you were left wondering how you had him at all.
He notices you staring, a small smirk curling into his lips and━
It had you a bit confused, knowing that your blatant eyeing of his body usually resulted in flushed cheeks and a light stutter, the lisp of his that you adore coming off strong but hey, you won’t complain if your boyfriend feels confident.
Mingyu’s over you in a blink, eyes searching for something in yours before he shakes his head and in one smooth motion bottoms out into you.
You can’t help but moan, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as he starts moving, thrusting into you hard and fast, hands all hurried and rough and kiss all teeth and tounge as if you were nothing but his toy to enjoy.
His pace is brutal, the room filling with the sound of skin slapping against skin. Tears sting your eyes by the end of it, your nails digging into his back, leaving behind harsh red lines that you knew would scar as his body collapses onto your, his cock painting your insides white.
“You okay?” Mingyu’s voice is soft in your ears, arms holding you as you nod.
“‘m fine,” You mumble, curling into him and letting out a tired yawn, “just spent.”
“Sleep,” Mingyu said, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “I’m here.”
You nod and drift off.
(What you don’t realise that as soon as your body sags against his, Mingyu moves away, leaving your shared apartment.)
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“He won’t pick up?” 
You look up from your phone, chewing on your lips as you shake your head at your manager’s question. There was a nagging feeling in your chest, something not sitting right with you about Mingyu. In all the years two of you had been together you had never felt this way━ never about him.
It had started after that night, with you waking up to an empty bed and his side cold as if there was no one there all night. There was no cutely written note on the fridge explaining his absence or a text from him telling you where he was.
“No,” You mutter, running a hand through your hair as you look back at your phone’s screen, a frown drawing on your lips at the unseen text. It wasn’t like him to be so distant, not when your relationship was built on constant communication, not when it was you who usually found themselves bombarded with unanswered texts that were filled with mindless thoughts and random questions Mingyu thought of while at a shoot.
“Well,” Your eyes snapped up at the direction of your producer who had remained quite up until now, “I think I might know why.”
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It was petty of you, you knew that.
It had started like this, one and a half bottles of wine, far too many tears shed for a bastard and a text to your manager.
Then it had been you meeting him, his presence something grander than in the huge billboards. Lee Seokmin━ South Korea’s Golden Boy and the baseball world’s sweetheart.
More importantly, the man Mingyu seemed to love more than he loved himself.
He was pretty, big nose, full lips, jaw line straight and sharp enough to cut glass, ears big in a way that was far too endearing and moles littered all over his face━ sharp and strong features that somehow worked together to form a face that deserved to be on billboard. 
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Lee Sokmin-ssi,” you had said with a smile━ that, for the first time in weeks, felt genuine━ using the little you know about the Korean culture from Mingyu to land in the man’s good graces. You had to if you were going to go through what you wanted to.
“Just Seokmin is fine,” He gives you the same blinding smile, one that feels like it hold the sun, all bright and warm and light in a way that has you flushing, “If you can’t tell from the way I’m shaking, I’m a huge fan.”
The flush in your cheeks darkens and you can’t help but let out a soft laugh, lips stuck in a smile as your manager calls for you to pose before you wish him luck on the game.
And then, you find yourself in his bed, his hands on your skin gentle━ reverent as he slowly peels away the layers of clothing, his lips on your skin leaving behind a trail of kisses, working delicately on each part of you, kissing and licking and biting and leaving behind blooms of reds and you can feel your heart pound in your ears, skin flushed and your chest heaving as your fingers weave into his curls, gripping at the roots and trying to move him to where you need him oh so desperately.
“I’m with my dream girl,” Seokmin breathes against your skin when you whine again, a small laugh falling from his lips. He moves up, his hand cradling you jaw as he presses a kiss to your lips, soft and gentle like the rest of him.  “Let me worship you.” 
You flush, this time for an entirely different reason.
You bite your lips, eyes wide as you nod and let him have his way with you and he does.
He picks you apart layer by layer, his lips soft and reverent as he traces your skin, kisses your breasts then down to your stomach, thighs, inner thigh and by the time he licks against your fold, your whole body is shaking.
You let out a moan so loud you fear your neighbours will hear you when he sucks at your cilt, one finger hooking inside you. And he keeps doing it, filling you up and stretching you out in a way you hadn’t ever been━ and even if you had, the memory of it is long gone.
“Se-Seokmin,” you let out a broken moan as you come down from your second orgasm, thighs squeezing his head as he licks you clean, fingers still going at it and you can feel the coil in your stomach start to grow tighter and tighter, hints of pain mixing with the pleasure, a sign of you being far too overstimulated but fuck does it feel good.
Your body feels like putty, your limbs jelly and you’re unable to control them with the way pleasure has made your mind hazy.
“Still there, sweet girl?” Seokmin whispers, his eyes gentle as you blink away the haze. 
You nod, taking in a shaky breath to steady your mind. “Yes, just too much.”
Seokmin presses a kiss to your lips and starts to move away when you grip his arm, thick and strong and fuck, you wonder what they would feel like wrapped around your holding, holding you tight in a way that made it impossible to move as he fucked you from behind and━
“Don’t,” you clear your throat, blinking as you move past your thought. Another time, you tell yourself as you focus on Seokmin. “Need you to fuck me, please.”
Seokmin pauses for a second, “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” You nod, your voice sounding stronger than before, “Absolutely.”
Seokmin stares at you for a second before his lips are on yours, this time hungrier━ taking more than they are giving. You feel his hands part your legs as he shifts, positioning his thick cock against your soppy hole.
You feel the air get knocked out of your lungs at the stretch of him, despite your three orgasms and the way he stretched you out with his fingers for hours━ it wasn’t enough. Your vision whites out, mouth falling open in a silent moan as your body twitches in his hold.
“‘M fine,” you choke out when you feel him pause, “Don’t stop, please don’t stop.” you sound delirious at this point from the pleasure, “Seok, please.” You add when he remains still.
“Tell me when it gets too much,” Seokmin whispers against your lips, pressing a kiss to your lips and then pulling out until it was just his head that remained in you and━
You let out a loud moan as he slams back in, repeating the motion until you’re left nothing but a drooling mess, mouth open and eyes closed as Seokmin fucks you dumb, his hips snapping at yours with a gentle pace but fuck, fuck, fuck does it feel so so good.
It doesn’t take long until your walls are squeezing against his cock, your orgasm washing over you as he presses his thumb against your swelled cilt, tears gathering in your eyes from the force of your orgasm. He keeps moving, chasing his own high.
It takes a few snaps of his hips, your nails digging into his broad shoulders as he empties himself into the condom, his chest heaving as he clings to you for a beat afterwards. You blink away the tears, mind still hazy but just clear enough to feel him pull out and move, taking off the condom and tying the ends of it before throwing it away.
Through the whole thing, your eyes are stuck on his form, heart pounding in your chest when you realise you could get used to this.
This didn’t feel like a rebound, not at all.
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note. been a hot minute since i posted so have both my favourite boys as an apology. It feels a little all over the place but I am a little rusty bc I haven't written in months
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mingtinys · 10 months ago
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" i'm not stopping until you smile "
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pairing : lee seokmin x gn!reader
"13 ways to say "i love you" with seventeen"
warnings : none
word count : 0.6 k
a/n :still not sure how i feel about the ending on this one
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Sometimes it feels like the universe is actively out to get you. Like for some reason, whatever Gods above have chosen you as the perfect target for their cruel jokes as a cure for their boredom.
Everything that could have possibly gone wrong, had.
Your coffee spilled first thing in the morning, scorching your skin and ruining your uniform. The back left tire of your car was flat, forcing you to take the morning train. Which you missed due to your coffee incident. Work was hectic, your boss on your ass about anything and everything, and for some reason, every customer came in with a personal vendetta against you and you alone. And to top it all off, some creep wouldn't stop making comments at you on the train back home.
You're so desperate to just curl up in bed and hide from the world that you forgo the thought of dinner or cleaning like you had planned all together.
For what feels like hours, you lay there. Until the sun falls in the sky and your room fades into darkness. Unwilling to move even an inch to flip a light on or check your phone. Your apartment stays dead silent. Eventually, you hear the front door open and shut, followed by the sound of footsteps approaching closer. They pause just outside your bedroom door.
"Baby, are you in there?" Comes a voice, one so soft you nearly burst into tears from the sound of it alone. "I'm coming in, okay?"
The knob turns and in comes Seokmin, illuminated by a halo of light that pours in from the hallway. He takes one look at you and frowns. "Are you okay?" He asks, setting your spare key and his phone on your dresser before sitting on the edge of your bed.
"I got really worried when you weren't answering after work," he continues. "What happened?"
"It's fine, Seok," you sigh, already feeling like a burden on him. "But it's been a long day and I just really want to handle it alone, okay? I'm sorry you came all the way here."
He just stares at you, sad eyes searching your face for some type of answer. You feel like you've just kicked a puppy asking him to leave, but it's best this way. Seokmin's heart is far too soft, ready to soak up every ounce of negative emotion it can for him to bear the weight of. And you hate seeing Seokmin sad.
"You don't have to handle it alone though, that's what I'm here for." You really wish you could return his cheery optimism and put him at ease, but instead, you simply turn in your cocoon so you won't have to face his disappointed expression. Yet somehow, that doesn't deter him.
Whereas anyone else probably would've up and left by now, Seokmin simply scoops you up into his arms, blankets and all. He starts pressing wet, sloppy kisses all over your face before you can voice a single protest. Even when you attempt to hide from the barrage of affection in his chest he doesn't let up.
"Seokmin!" You whine, palms coming up to shield your face. He just laughs and easily pulls your wrists away, looping them behind his neck before pressing two more pecks to each cheek. Seokmin leans back to examine your face.
"I'm not stopping until you smile."
"I appreciate you trying but–"
Yet another merciless attack befalls your face, this time with exaggerated mwuahs for good measure. Though every few kisses, Seokmin mutters small, sincere 'I love yous' that begin to chip away at the walls you'd so desperately tried to construct.
So when your boyfriend finally pulls back for a second time he begins to beam with pride at the lopsided smile ghosting your lips. "There it is," he coos, softly lifting your chin with his thumb. "Now tell me, what almost stole my favorite sight in this world from me?"
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taglist: @matchahyuck @dontwannaexsist @minnieminshi @myfavoritedelusion @tanya596carat
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lakeaether · 1 month ago
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bella notte | l.sm
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PAIRING: lee seokmin x gn!reader GENRE: fluff, suggestive, established relationship SUMMARY: in which you and seokmin have a spaghetti night and recreate an iconic movie scene WARNINGS: food, kissing, terms of endearment, seokmin lifts and carries the reader, allusions to sex at the end but no actual smut (lmk if i missed anything) WORD COUNT: 1.4k NOTE: i cooked with this one (pun intended)
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Hand hovering over a steaming pot, you drop a handful of pasta into the boiling water and gently stir with a wooden spoon, the savory aroma of herbs, spices, and simmering sauce filling the air. Steam rises in delicate spirals, curling around your face as you smile to yourself, satisfied with your progress.
“Sweetheart, is the food almost ready?” A familiar voice calls out from behind you.
“Just a couple more minutes, sunshine,” you reply, flashing a brief smile before turning your attention back to the noodles. You lift the spoon, tapping it on the rim of the pot before setting it down on the counter, to grab a clean one. Dipping it into the rich, simmering sauce, you scoop up a small sample. “Here, tell me how this tastes,” you say, holding the spoon out to him, your hand cupped beneath to catch any drips.
Seokmin steps closer, leaning down to take a taste. The moment the sauce hits his tongue, an abundance of flavors erupts in his mouth. “Wow, that’s incredible!” he exclaims, eyes lighting up and a grin spreading across his face.
“Perfect,” you say, your chest swelling with pride. “Can you set the table, please? I’ll bring everything out in a bit.”
“On it,” he replies with a cheerful hum, heading to the upper cabinet, carefully taking out the fancy dinnerware reserved for special occasions, and making his way to the dinner table. With care, he gently places down two wine glasses and one plate. Wanting to enhance the intimate atmosphere even more, he lights a couple of candles that fill the room with a soft floral scent. 
Looking at the perfectly arranged table, the memory of what inspired tonight’s dinner surfaces in his mind. During one of your cozy movie nights, two of you watched Lady and the Tramp. The iconic scene, in which the two dogs shared a plate of spaghetti on a starry night, had Seokmin immediately jump up from your cuddled position. 
“Baby, that’s the cutest thing ever!” he exclaimed, pointing to the screen and bouncing. “Can we try that too? Pretty please?” He asked, giving you the biggest puppy dog eyes—as if you could deny him anything when he did that. 
Seokmin’s pulled from the memory by your approaching footsteps. Turning around, he sees you carrying a steaming plate of spaghetti and meatballs, the centerpiece of tonight’s evening. He steps aside to let you place the dish on the table, your smile proud.
As you reach behind you to untie your apron, Seokmin’s voice stops you. “Wait,” he says softly, stepping closer. “Can I?”
Caught off guard, you look at him with wide eyes. “Sure,” you nod with a grin and raise your hands to your sides.
His fingers brush against your waist, the soft touch sending a small shiver up your spine. Looking up at him, you notice the affection in his eyes as he unties the bow on your apron, letting the sides hang. His movements are slow and gentle as he pulls the neck strap over your head. You feel his lips press a quick kiss to your forehead before he drapes the apron over one of the unoccupied dinner chairs.
With a flourish, he pulls out a chair for you. “Your seat, my love,” he says with a playful bow. Smiling shyly, you sit, murmuring a quiet ‘thank you’ as he takes his seat beside you.
“This is going to be amazing!” he says, rubbing his hands together. He picks up his fork and twirls some noodles onto it. “Say ah,” he calls out, holding the fork out for you. 
Laughing, you lean forward and take a bite. “My turn,” you declare, grabbing your fork and mirroring his actions. He opens his mouth dramatically and takes a bite, making you both dissolve into laughter.
After a few more playful exchanges, Seokmin sets his fork down and rests his chin in his hand, his expression turning thoughtful. “Can we try it now?” he asks softly, his voice tinged with a hint of nervous excitement as he looks up at you.
“Try what?” you ask, tilting your head.
“The noodle kiss,” he replies, his cheeks glowing faintly.
Your face warms, but you nod. “Sure, let’s try it.”
Seokmin’s face lights up as he picks up a single noodle strand with his fingers. You do the same, gripping the other end with trembling fingers. Slowly, you both begin eating the noodle, moving closer and closer with every bite. Your breaths mingle, and before you know it, your lips meet in a soft, lingering kiss. The contact is brief but electrifying, leaving both of your hearts racing. 
Pulling back first, you avert your gaze, biting your lip to hold back a nervous laugh. Seokmin watches you with fondness, his smile as warm as the candles on the table.
A nudge against your shoulder catches your attention. You turn and watch as Seokmin leans his head down to your shared plate and softly nudges one of the meatballs with his nose, rolling it toward you. As his head rose, you immediately burst into laughter at the sight of the bright red marinara staining the tip of his nose. “Hold still,” you say between giggles, grabbing a napkin and gently dabbing the sauce off. His eyes cross as he tries to follow your movements, his cheeks reddening.
The rest of the dinner passes in easy conversation and shared laughter. Once the plates were cleared, Seokmin stood up, grabbed the plate and glasses, and brought them over to the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes. Since you cooked tonight, he thought it was only fair that he washed up tonight.
As he’s on his last plate, Seokmin feels your arms slowly wrap around his waist from behind.
"Is it okay if I hold you for a sec?" you murmur, your voice soft against his shoulder.
He pauses, glancing over his shoulder and meeting your gaze with a longing look in his eyes and a soft smile. “More than okay,” he replies, his voice warm with affection and leaning slightly into your embrace.
You hum contentedly, pressing your cheek against his back and letting the steady rhythm of his breathing lull you. As the last plate joins the others on the drying rack, Seokmin, refusing to move your bodies more than one inch from each other, turns carefully within your arms, his hands finding your hips.
With a mischievous grin, he moves you toward the counter and effortlessly lifts your body onto the marble, drawing a surprised gasp from you. Sometimes you forget that outside this absolute sweetheart of a man is one of pure muscle and strength who could move you around with ease. You try not to indulge too much in that thought.
Instead, you part your legs to make room for him. Seokmin grins, stepping closer and wrapping his arms snugly around your waist, yours looping around his neck.
"Thanks for indulging me tonight, honey," he whispers delicately, his forehead resting against yours.
"Of course, sunshine," you reply, pressing a kiss on the tip of his nose. "It was my pleasure."
Seokmin’s smile widens, his eyes turning into moon crescents as he takes in the earnestness of your words.
His eyes glimmer as he leans in, brushing his nose against yours in a flutter. The soft gesture causes you both to break out into a fit of giggles.
As the laughter fades, he leans in, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You know,” he begins, his lips brushing lightly against your ear, “I think I owe you a proper thank you for tonight.”
Your breath hitches, and you glance up at him through your lashes. “Oh?” you manage, your voice barely above a whisper and cheeks heating up.
He cups your cheek with one hand, his thumb tracing your bottom lip. “Can I show you how much I appreciate you?” he asks, his words sending a shiver down your spine.
Your lips part slightly, but no words come out. Instead, your gaze drops, cheeks flushed as your fingers toy with the neckline of his shirt. Finally, you give him a shy nod. In one fluid motion, Seokmin slides his arms under you and lifts you effortlessly, wrapping your thighs around his waist. “Hold on tight,” he whispers, his gaze never leaving yours as you look up at him.
As he carries you toward your shared bedroom, his lips brush against your neck, leaving a series of soft, lingering kisses that send shivers throughout your body. The anticipation hangs thick in the air as the door clicks shut behind you, sealing the promise of an unforgettable night.
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cherriegyuu · 1 year ago
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midnight rain | lsm
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pairing: seokmin x f!reader genre: angst, smut, a little bit of fluff word count: 17k summary: after seven years away, you finally return home. meeting seokmin again wasn't in your plans, but life wasn't willing to let you have it your way. warnings: minors do not interact, kissing, oral, swearing, penetrative sex, unprotected sex (don't do this) a/n: this is part of 1k event, it was requested the dearest @ressonancee. but also, it's part of svt ans songs from midnights. i just wrote two in one and something that was supposed to be short became this monster. i hope i wrote seokmin in a way you'll like it. prompt: “I don’t want anyone else. No one else can make me feel like you do." Seokmin ➝ Midnight Rain He was sunshine, I was midnight rain ↳ it was the oldest story in the world, the bright boy fell for the grumpy girl.
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Letter #1
Seokmin,
You know, I've always been very proud of not being a very attached person. I've always been proud that I can put myself first and second, because I know I need to do it, because I know that no one else will do it for me. So, when I came here and dropped everything I had, I thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.
When I turn around in bed at night, after days of trying to get used to the time zone and weeks to the weather and the people here — which are both bad and for completely different reasons, nothing is like in the movies — I always hope to find you there by my side and being able to snuggle up to you like I always did. I wake up in the morning and make enough coffee for two people and take two mugs out of the cupboard, and only then do I realize I'm alone here. I don't need two mugs and I made too much coffee. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I find myself typing your number, which I have memorized despite the fact that no one remembers phone numbers, because phones exist for a reason.
You have no idea how much I miss you and what I would do to be able to hear your voice again. I would do anything, I swear I could. But I know I no longer have that right. I know that what I did is unforgivable and although I want your forgiveness, I hope you never forget what I did to you.
You were still good to me on the last day. You took me to the airport, you said goodbye to me, you hugged me tight like you know I like it and you did your best not to shed a tear in front of me.
Every now and then I catch myself thinking that I messed up. I could have done my master's where we graduated, I didn't need to move to the other side of the world and leave the life I knew behind. But at the same time, I accept it. Coming here was my dream, it was always what I dreamed of even when you were by my side as well. And maybe that's why I never told you about the application, about being approved. Maybe I waited until the end, until the very last second to tell you because I knew you were the only one capable of changing my mind.
When I was by your side, I started to dream of a different life, a life that had you at all times and in all aspects. But, as you may have already noticed, I chose my first dream.
I know I won't regret it. I can't afford to regret it. You’ll become who you always wanted to be and I’ll be there to give you a standing ovation. Not there, next to you, but from afar.
yn 
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“That was Sunday Morning, by Hong Joshua. Ah, whenever I hear this song I remember my college days. I've said this here a few times, and I think I sound like a broken record by this point, but Joshua and I went to the same college and he was always singing this song in the hallways. Any small gathering between friends he would pull out the guitar and sing. So I'm sorry, but you're going to have to listen to this song at least once a week for the next year. Or until he releases the next one.”
Seokmin looked at the monitor to his right as a pre-recorded commercial for the next show started. The comments were going up too quickly, which made reading them an almost impossible mission.
On the other side of the glass, Chan made a sign indicating that the commercial was over. Seokmin looked at his friend as he lowered one finger after another and finally pointed at him. Chan placed a sheet of paper, which was always used, against the glass, which said “last, chat”. Indicating that he still had one more question to answer.
“We have time for one more question” Seokmin said, opening the internal chat he used with the other radio employees and read the question that Chan had sent “I ended a relationship of almost four years a few months ago, but I still can't understand what happened. I haven't even returned his things yet. How do I get in touch saying I want to return it?”
Seokmin swallowed. He knew that Chan hadn't done it on purpose, that he had no way of knowing everything that had happened between him and you, but he hated how much the question resonated in his head. It was a feeling he shared and for him it had been a little worse because you lived together during your last year of college. So when he entered the house and saw all the furniture, the decorations, your clothes still in the closet, it was like entering a time machine. In that 30 square meter space, for a few minutes, you still hadn't left.
He took a deep breath, away from the microphone so the sound wouldn't be picked, and leaned forward.
“It's a difficult question, really. If it's been a few months and he still hasn't picked his things up, it's because he doesn't need them, so I don't think you should bother contacting him. Hmmm”
He bit his lip and rested his elbows on the table, thinking if he should continue talking or if it would be better to stop there. Seokmin always thought it was better not to let personal feelings show on the radio, but he had moments when he couldn't follow his own rules.
“I can tell you from experience that sometimes silence is better. Because if you know the truth, it could hurt you even more. When I was in a similar situation, after a while I simply discarded the person's belongings. At first, it will be difficult, because you’ll see that shirt you gave as a gift, that letter you wrote and remember what it meant, the moment you gave those things to him. But little by little you will achieve it. Don't feel obligated to just move on when you're not ready. People will always tell you that it's about time, that it's been so many weeks or months. You’re the one who knows about your feelings.”
Chan knocked on the glass again, almost desperate because Seokmin's answer had been too long. It wasn't the first time he had gotten lost in what he was saying and maybe had been talking in circles. It always happened that he remembered you when he answered a question.
And in that specific question he was being a hypocrite because he knew that if he opened his closet, deep inside it, he would find at least two boxes full of your things hidden. He rarely went near those boxes, he liked to pretend they didn't exist and most days he managed to achieve that thought. But there were other days

“So we come to the end of another Cupid's Corner with Minnie. See you again next week. Cupid’s Corner with Minnie: Unveiling Love’s Melody, One Relationship at a Time!”
Seokmin removed his headphones, stood up, and waved at the cameras he knew were pointed at him. He grabbed his phone and the bottle of water he always carried with him. The red light above the door finally went out and Seokmin left the studio.
Immediately, Chan appeared beside him. He had just gone blond, and it strangely suited him.
He knew the youngest was desperate, not that he was doing a good job of hiding it. The disheveled hair, pointing in all directions, also helped a lot.
“You’re going to have a heart attack if you continue like this” Seokmin said laughing.
Chan was the newest employee, handpicked by Seokmin a few months before. Seokmin needed someone to help him organize the broadcasts after his previous assistant quit because she had gotten a job in the field she had studied. Seokmin even talked to her and offered a higher salary that would come out of his own pocket, but nothing seemed to help. Not that he blamed her, in her place he would have done the same thing. But in the position he was in, changes made him uncomfortable so he did what he could to make sure everything stayed the same.
Maybe it was trauma.
“It’s because they yell at me, not you.”
One of the reasons Seokmin chose Chan as his new assistant was his sincerity. In the middle of the interview he “I think there are things in your program that need to change” and started listing things that he thought were dated or ideas that had been used too much and therefore didn't have the same effect on listeners. The others had found him presumptuous as if he wanted to know more than those who worked at the radio. Seokmin disagreed and that's how Chan got the job.
“They yell at you because you’re the new guy, no one yelled at Jiah”
Chan made a sound in the back of his throat, like a scoff.
“That's because everyone was afraid of her” Seokmin rolled his eyes and reached for the folder Chan was carrying “Oh, right. Tomorrow is your lecture for the communication classes, but they said it is possible that students from other courses will also be there, because it’llll be in the auditorium”
Seokmin nodded, reading the guidelines Chan had made. He needed to admit that he was organized and had absolute control over everything he did. He was sure that if he asked about Wonwoo's program, Chan would know how to answer as if he worked directly with him.
“You know how it is, I have fans” Chan pretended to vomit “If you go tomorrow, we’ll go out to dinner later, I’ll pay”
"Deal"
Seokmin always found it strange to be called to give lectures at the college where he studied. He wasn't a teacher and he didn't think he had done enough to be someone who could give advice to someone. In fact, Seokmin was sure he hadn't done anything big. His life, to put it very simply, was flat. At least, almost all of his life.
Seokmin has always been the type of guy who makes plans and follows through on those plans. When he was sixteen he got it into his head that he wanted to work in radio. It wasn't without reasons, of course. He joined the school radio and despite doing very little, because the school director had to know everything that would be done, even the nouns he would use in the sentence, he fell in love with the idea. That's why he decided he should study journalism in college, that way even if his radio career didn't work out, he would still have a profession.
But his dream was to work on a radio, to have his own program. So that's what he did.
He entered college as planned, sunk into student debt, and graduated exactly as he had planned. In his last semester, he got an internship at the biggest radio station in the country. He was on cloud nine. It was as if he had received the green light in life and everything was on the right track.
At least that's what he thought. At least that was what he had forced himself to believe. The internship became a permanent position and one day he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That's why he never felt prepared to give anyone advice. Despite having decided on the career he wanted to pursue, he knew that he also needed to count on a little luck and help. The only words he could offer were “you work hard, study, make contacts, and throw the rest into luck’s hands”. It wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to hear when he was a student looking forward to the future, so he certainly wouldn't say it to anyone.
However, Chan convinced him that it would be a good idea to give the talk.
“You’re going to tell me how you got here, that’s all. An unknown face who quickly went on air to cover someone for one of the most beloved radio broadcasters in the country. I'm sure if you say that shit fell on your head, they'll like it” Chan had said laughing.
Overall the lecture went very well. Better than expected. He answered the questions as honestly as possible and used his best smile to get rid of the more awkward questions.
Despite the good day, he knew he didn't want to repeat the dose anytime soon.
“They want to know if you would be willing to do one of these a semester” Chan whispered because he knew the answer Seokmin would give, so it was better for the students not to hear.
“No” was all Seokmin said “But I’ll still buy you dinner”
Chan punched the air in celebration, catching the eyes of those around him, but he seemed to care very little.
"I just
"
What Seokmin was about to say, an announcement that he needed to go to the bathroom, died in his throat as he looked straight ahead.
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Letter #2
Seokmin,
I thought I would be able to adapt faster here. It was very hard in the beginning with transport, getting around in general was very difficult. So I chose a weekend and went walking around the neighborhood where I live. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I thought I should check it out. Besides, I can wake up in the middle of the night and decide that I want to eat something that I don't have at home, so it's good to know if there are any stores or markets that open in the middle of the night (in this neighborhood there aren't any, maybe that's why I won’t stay here).
I discovered that going out there, although productive, wasn't such a good idea. Nothing wrong happened, I didn't get hit on or someone was rude to me. Quite the contrary, most people pretended they weren't even seeing me. The problem was that everything made me think about you.
I walked by the store that sold a lot of random old things and decided to go in. You know I love filling the house with trinkets. I didn't find anything there that I liked, but I saw that they were selling camera films. For a moment I forgot everything that had happened and all I could think was, I think Seokmin is running out of film, I need to buy more because he will only realize when he doesn't have any left.
I bought it and brought it to the apartment. I opened the door and called your name. It was only later, when I noticed where I was, that it wasn't our apartment, that I realized what I had done.
Even without meaning to, even when I try not to, I find myself looking for you. Everywhere. I go to a restaurant and think about what you would like to eat, I see a dog on the street and I imagine you bending down to pet it. It's not on purpose, I just can't help it. I try, but it's in vain.
I wonder if it will pass. Will this feeling that I succeeded in my career but ruined my personal life disappear or will I feel like this forever — or at least for a good few years?
yn.
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It was as if all the air had been ripped from your lungs and there was no way in the world to get you to breathe.
Somehow, some way, Seokmin was standing in front of you, in the middle of the college hallway.
For a moment it was as if you had been transported back in time, to when you were still 22 years old. In another moment you would have simply run up to him and thrown yourself into his arms as if you hadn't spent the whole night clinging to him, as if you hadn't seen each other before classes, as if you hadn't shared the smallest space in the world on the subway for 20 minutes. And your body seemed to remember all of this, like some kind of muscle memory, because you felt like you were being projected forward. Towards him.
You thought Seokmin would talk to you, you were sure he would. But you saw the way his gaze changed, the way it went from complete surprise to a hard look, completely different from anything you had ever seen from him.
In your memory, Seokmin was always brilliant and was always willing to welcome everyone with open arms, even when he felt more shy. You didn’t understand, that look he gave you was completely different from what you imagined could happen.
When you made the decision to return, you knew that there was a possibility of meeting Seokmin, no matter how small it was. You didn't know if he was still friends with the same people, if he still kept in touch with them. You certainly hadn't kept in touch with anyone - except for the two times you talked to Joshua. The possibility existed, but being realistic you knew it was as big as winning the lottery.
Of all the places you thought you could find Seokmin, college was the last one and maybe that was even why you accepted the job. When you were taking the last tests, the ones that would say whether you would graduate at the end of the semester or not, Seokmin was categorical in saying that he would never set foot inside college again. So you thought it was a place he would never go, but there he was. And in your first week, when you needed everything to go well. Not to show that you were ready and that you could do the job, but to reassure yourself that you had made the right choice in accepting the job.
You didn't have time to decide whether to talk to him or not. Seokmin made the decision for both of you. He continued walking as if you weren't there, talking to the boy next to him, laughing. The only indication that he knew who you were was silent once and one that only you could distinguish.
He turned around and left as if nothing had happened.
Was it possible that only you had felt that way? That just your heart had decided it didn't know how to beat, as if a storm was raging inside your body?
You didn't have time to analyze what had just happened. You just forced yourself to take a deep breath and also keep walking as if those brief seconds weren't enough to make your entire world turn completely upside down.
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Seokmin dragged his feet into the room, tripping over the rug at the foot of the bed. A curse came out of his mouth, followed by a burp. When he invited Chan to dinner he had no intention of ending the night drunk, being carried home like someone who had just had his first drink.
It had been years since he had gotten that bad and it was comical that the previous occasion was also connected to you.
The memory of leaving you at the airport, on a flight in the middle of the night, was still vivid in Seokmin's mind. Worse than that memory, was the one of you telling him that you had gotten a place in a master's degree on the other side of the world, 18 hours before leaving the country.
“I need to tell you something” you said as he pulled his coat over his head and patted his pockets, making sure he had grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. He needed to leave as quickly as possible, he was already late.
Seokmin had plans to ask you to marry him. He had rented a house where you could spend the weekend, where it would be possible to see the stars. He had prepared himself, but he needed to leave right that second so he would have enough time to go to the house, get everything ready and come back to get you. The owner of the house would help him, since Seokmin decided that he wouldn't tell any of his friends because they might just ruin the surprise.
“I'm already late” he said, quickly looking at his watch. "Did something happen?"
He asked, noticing your already somewhat desperate look. He knew that whatever had happened couldn't be good.
To be honest, he had noticed that something was wrong a few weeks before, and for a while, he decided it would be better not to get into it too much. He knew you well enough to know that you would offer the information when you felt ready to do so. But thinking back on everything, he wished he had asked before, he wished he hadn't given you space, he wished he had forced you to talk to him sooner.
“I passed my master’s degree abroad”
Seokmin’s first reaction was to be happy for you. He knew how much you wanted that, that it was your dream. So he did what any boyfriend would do, he hugged you and congratulated you, told you that you had tried so hard and that they would be idiots not to accept you. The feeling was true and his smile was genuine. He was happy for you.
Knowing what he knew, every now and then Seokmin wondered if he would have done anything differently if he knew what the next words would be out of your mouth. He could have made a fuss, he could have begged you to stay, he could have offered to go with you. But at the time he didn't do any of that.
“I’m leaving today, I need to be at the airport at 11 pm”
Seokmin's ears rang deafeningly. It was as if he had been punched and needed to brace himself against something. The sofa was the closest piece of furniture.
He thought he heard it wrong, he wished he was dreaming, but all he had to do was look at you. It was true. It was as if a puzzle was being completed in Seokmin's mind. The way you had suddenly become distant, how every time he entered the room you hurried to change or close whatever you were looking at on the computer. He didn't even know you signed up. He imagined that you must have done some kind of test, some interview and he didn't even know anything about it.
He had no idea.
Had he been a bad boyfriend, someone who was so focused on making the long-awaited proposal that he had ignored everything else? Or had you hidden it so well that he hadn't noticed?
"What? You’re leaving today?"
It was like the world was spinning too fast and he was trying to keep up with what was happening. It was like being on a roller coaster that kept on falling. He remembered well how the little box with the ring he had carefully chosen weighed in his pocket.
“I didn’t even know you had applied for a position” he whispered, almost just to himself “You didn’t tell me”
And it was at that exact moment, when he looked at you, that Seokmin realized that your relationship was over. You avoided looking at him, your hands were buried deep in the pockets of your coat, which was his. He saw your eyes fill with tears, you swallow hard, and remain silent.
It was unlike you, to stay quiet when you had too many things going through your head. He desperately wanted you to talk to him, to tell him what had been going through your head. He just wanted to understand. Did you believe he would somehow stop you from going? If there was one thing he knew about you, it was the fact that you always put your education first. It wasn't a secret and you didn't want it to be. He just didn't expect things to happen that way.
Seokmin sat in front of the closet, on the floor, and with difficulty opened the doors. Deep in the back, behind several shoe boxes, were two old boxes that he hadn't moved in years. Part of him wished the things inside the boxes were ruined, that they had mold and anything else that could ruin its content. But he had been careful, kept everything in order, taken all necessary precautions, and cleaned the closet periodically.
He ignored the first box and pulled the smaller one towards him, placing it on his bent legs. Seokmin wasn't one to revisit those memories, he liked to keep them as far away from him as possible, but on nights like those, it was impossible.
Seokmin knew what he would find and was sure how he would feel, but he still took the lid off the box, but he didn't dare take out any of the items inside it.
He knew he had reached his lowest point when he was holding on to memories he had of you and not focusing on what was actually happening in his life.
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Letter #3
Seokmin,
I talked to Joshua today. Talk is a bit too strong of a word. We exchanged a few words on Instagram. He posted a photo and I liked it, he sent me a DM asking if I was ok and how things were going. I lied, of course. He said everything was fine and he was happy. He didn't talk about you and I didn't ask.
It was very hard to contain myself. I want to know how you are. The more selfish part of my brain wants you to be just as bad as I feel. You know that little demon that sits on our shoulder? He assures me you're even worse. And I hate to think that's the case, but at the same time, I'm sure you're not okay. I know you, we dated for four years, we lived together for almost two years
You were always the more emotional one of the two of us. You were never afraid to show your feelings, not for me or anyone else. You always loved so openly, without any fear. I admit that at first, it scared me a little.
I was an 18-year-old girl who came from a family that had no idea how to show affection, so I was always more reserved in that aspect. And there you were with your beautiful, bright smile, with open arms, affectionate with anyone who came along. I thought you were a crazy person who didn't have the slightest notion of the world. It took a while for me to realize that your world was brighter than mine in ways I couldn't understand.
You were always so untethered, free, showing yourself to anyone who had eyes. When I was closed and more reclusive, you were open and expansive. When I was very shy or reserved, you were more charming and brighter than usual. Not even my worst mood, which seemed endless at times, was a problem for you.
One day you just showed up and decided that you would stay by my side, no matter what. Believe me when I say, I tried to push you away. But with each passing day you were further under my skin.
A kiss at a random party turned into a date at every party, parties became meetings at the college library, which led to coffee dates. One day you decided at the end of each date you had to take me back to the dorms and you kissed me for a long time on the side of the building where no one could see — or at least I made myself believe no one did. Then that alone wasn't enough and you were always with your fingers intertwined with mine, or your arm around my waist. And kisses were no longer reserved for empty streets, of course not. You kissed me anywhere, anytime, no matter who was watching.
You were sneaky, Seokmin.
When I realized it, I was in love with you. Your arms were my refuge. You were my safe space. My home.
yn.
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You hated that Seokmin’s reaction, or lack thereof, had gotten to you so much. It was like being punched, and then one more, soon the punch became a beating and to finish with a flourish, it was as if a truck had run over you.
You had plans to go out at the weekend, though alone. Everything was so different, the places you knew no longer existed and friends from the past no longer spoke to you. You would have to rediscover the city without anyone's help. Despite your plans, you couldn't bring yourself to leave the house.
When you decided to return, you knew there would be no way to escape Seokmin. He had become successful not only in his career as a broadcaster but also as a celebrity of sorts. You never imagined you would see his face in magazines or on billboards selling fried chicken. You didn't expect that when you turned on the TV you would see his face in different programs.
In fact, you knew all of that was happening, but somehow you managed to convince yourself that you wouldn't have to see any of it. You managed to make yourself believe that you would not be haunted by his images and voice.
When you were away, you always listened to his programs, more than once each one, but it was almost like a relationship between fan and celebrity. You could separate very well what was him and what was you. But being there, in the same country, in the same city, it was much more difficult to make that separation.
Because once you were back, Seokmin was no longer just the radio host with a show about relationships. Far from it. Seokmin was your college sweetheart, the guy whose heart you broke but who, even after seven years, was still in love with.
That was the reality. you were still in love with him. There was no relationship in the world, no man in the world, that would have made you forget about Seokmin. Sometimes it worked, sometimes you managed to forget about him for a few months and that feeling of loss, of emptiness, that had settled deep inside your heart became smaller and smaller. And then it would come back full on as if it had never left.
Maybe that was your curse, your punishment for leaving behind someone you could have spent the rest of your life with. And somehow you knew you would have been happy. Or at least a different kind of happiness.
After spending the weekend holed up inside your apartment, after convincing yourself that you needed to prepare for teaching classes and unpacking the move, she decided that on Tuesday night she would explore the city.
Exploring wasn't the right word. You had discovered that one of your favorite restaurants still existed, it had just changed location. And, despite being on the other side of the city and being completely aware that you would have to pay a fortune for a taxi or risk taking the subway alone almost at closing time, you decided to go anyway.
You needed to feel like one thing hadn't changed, or at least still be recognizable.
You heard your name being called a few minutes after sitting down. You raised your head, recognizing the voice, but couldn't tell who it belonged to. Directly in front of you was a woman, with short hair, in her fifties.
“It’s really you!”
You stood up and a second later you were being hugged. Maybe you had gone there for that reason, knowing that there would be someone there who would recognize you. Or at least you hoped there was. And when you were welcomed with open arms by her owner, Niah, you wanted to cry for the first time in a long time.
“Hi” was all you could offer, your voice weak.
You quickly turned your face away, trying to be discreet as you wiped away your tears. The last thing you wanted was to cry in front of someone else. Tears were reserved for dark moments in the silence of your apartment, they weren't meant to be seen by people you didn't even know in a crowded restaurant.
“Look how beautiful you look. You haven't been around for so long. Seokmin told us that you had gone abroad to study, but I thought you would come back sooner.”
You just managed to smile, even though it was embarrassing. It was strange to hear his name coming out of someone else's mouth so easily. For years, his name was just an echo in your own mind, almost as if it were a fantasy of yours.
There were days when you managed to convince yourself of this, that Seokmin was nothing more than a dream.
“Are you just visiting or are you back to stay?”
“I'm staying” you said after a second, when you managed to find your voice again “I got a job here, I have nowhere to run”
Niah laughed and hugged you once again, tighter this time.
"Great, that makes me happy. We always miss you” Niah smiled and ran her fingers down your cheeks, brushing away some tears that were stubborn to fall “What do you want to eat? Today it's on the house. Consider it a welcome gift.”
You took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in your throat and the remaining tears.
"What do you recommend?"
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The amazing thing about meeting Niah again was that she still acted exactly the same way. She didn't see you as someone who had simply packed a suitcase of clothes and left the country overnight. To Niah you were still that same person from 7 years ago who ate whatever she put in front of. You and Seokmin were always guinea pigs for all the new recipes.
The food was still wonderful, if anything it had just gotten better.
You had a fork halfway to your mouth when you heard the door open, the sound of the bell indicating the entry of a new customer. You almost instinctively turned to look. You choked on your own saliva when your eyes met Seokmin's.
It was as if you were back in the hallway that day. Your heart simply stopped, and the world fell into suspension. For a moment, it was as if you had been transported to the past. You were almost certain that if you looked at the table you would see books open next to the cutlery; you knew that if you looked at Seokmin for another second or two his face would break into the most beautiful smile, he would wave and call your name.
But your illusion shattered into small pieces as his neutral expression contorted into a frown. With the same foot he entered he turned to leave.
“Seokmin!” you called him, getting up from your chair.
Part of you thought he was going to continue out the door, but he stopped. Half of his body was outside the restaurant, the other inside.
“Hurry up and close that door!” Niah said leaving the kitchen “You’re letting out all the heat”
Even with Niah's voice calling him, Seokmin remained standing at the door. You sat back down, but without taking your eyes off him. He didn't know what he expected of him, but he felt an indescribable relief when Niah pulled him by the sleeve of his coat and forced him to sit in front of you.
“The restaurant is packed, so you will have to share a table” she said as she turned her back.
Seokmin shook his head, clearly against sitting there, staying in the restaurant, but he still took off his coat and hung it on the chair before leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest.
It was clear he was working out, his shoulders had gotten broader and his arms bigger since you last saw each other. You almost laughed at the pose, remembering all the times you had seen him in a similar situation. But this wasn't the time to laugh when everything else was screaming that he was uncomfortable with the situation, that he didn't want to be there.
It didn't take a genius to know that Seokmin wanted nothing to do with you. His reaction to seeing you in the hallway the week before and the way he was looking at you in that moment were enough answers.
You felt like the walls were closing in around you and there wasn't enough air in the room.
What were you thinking when you called his name? What were you thinking when you silently watched Niah pull him inside? Why were you still sitting there?
A waiter who worked with Niah passed by your table and you called him discreetly, not wanting to attract the attention of the restaurant owner.
“Can you wrap everything to go, please?” you turned to Seokmin “You can have the table. I was already leaving”
It was a lie, but he didn't need to know that.
Seokmin laughed lowly, scornfully, his sideways smile making the hair on your arms stand on end. In general, Seokmin has always been the type of guy who didn’t lose his cool easily, who would always rather let things go than have any kind of confrontation. But when he really got stressed out or nervous, it took a while for him to calm down again.
You had seen that storm in his eyes very few times in the years you spent together. The last one was when he went to the airport to say goodbye to you. That day the storm was just confusion and pain, you knew you had done that to him. But he sat there in the restaurant, in front of you, in silence while the people around him chatted animatedly, completely oblivious to what was happening between the two of you.
"What it was?" you rolled your eyes.
“Ah, nothing” he said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture “It’s just like you to do that”
You narrowed your eyes at the same time you felt your cheeks get hot.
"Do what?"
"Runaway"
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Letter #4
Seokmin, 
It took me almost a year to convince myself that it was okay for me to look at social media. I convinced myself that every woman does this, that every now and then we look at our ex-boyfriend's Instagram, just to find out if his new girlfriend is ugly. I've told you this several times, but every female experience is universal.
I wish you were one of those low profile people, who post a picture every 6 months and it's a cut mango on a pretty plate. I wish you hadn't posted so many pictures. But more than anything, I wish I hadn't spent hours and hours looking at the photos. I wish I hadn't been analyzing every photo of you, I wish I hadn't thought “that's a new mole” and wondered which others had appeared since the last time we saw each other.
I had memorized every mole of yours. On your face, on your arms, on your back. On the worst days, when I missed you in a way that almost made me give up everything and go home, I kept remembering each one of them. I tried to remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, how you stroked my hair until I fell asleep when it wasn't a good day.
I keep wondering if one day this feeling will just go away.
It's been a year since I left. I went out with other guys, and I almost dated one of them, but you're always there in the back of my mind, almost comically because even against my will I can't help but compare them to you. I can't help but think that only you know how I like my coffee, how only you know that if I'm in my worst mood, there's no joke in the world that can make me laugh.
I know it's not fair to them. I gave you the chance to get to know me, I allowed you to get closer. I wanted you to come closer to me. Now I wonder if you're doing this for someone other than me.
I like to imagine that you also compare other women to me, that even now that you're dating I stay there, in the back of your mind, making fun of you.
Unfortunately, she's not ugly, but your smile was brighter when I was next to you.
yn.
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To say that Seokmin had spent the rest of the week in an envious mood was an understatement. He was stressed and everyone around him soon noticed the change. He really tried not to let his personal life get in the way of his work. It was something he never struggled with. Work was work, what happened when the lights went out and he left the radio should never cross paths with each other. That week, however, it was impossible.
Meeting you at the restaurant caught him off guard. That day in the college hallway had been difficult, but he managed to just keep walking as if nothing had happened. He liked to pretend like he hadn't gone out with Chan right after and drank like there was no tomorrow, like he hadn't opened the boxes he had kept for years and cried while looking at the photos of the two of you together.
He had gone to the restaurant that day because he needed some form of comfort and didn't want to call any of his friends because he knew he would end up telling them everything that happened and would receive advice and words he would rather not hear. The restaurant was the best idea he had. Or maybe the worst possible one.
Maybe he had done it consciously, because he wanted to see you one more time, and wanted to make sure he hadn't imagined you. It wouldn't have been the first time.
In the first few months after you left, Seokmin got into the habit of visiting places he went with you, or places you liked to go alone. It was probably a form of torture, but he liked to imagine it was a way to forget and overcome the breakup. On several of those days, he believed he saw you. He realistically knew it wasn't you, he clearly remembered seeing you get on the plane and waited until it took off to leave the airport.
The worst thing that could have happened to him was you calling for him. Seokmin couldn't help but wonder if he had always reacted that way to you, if your presence was always so great that before he even saw you he knew you were nearby. That day, as soon as he opened the door, before he even saw you sitting there with your eyes wide open, he knew. He knew you were there.
The last thing he expected from you was you saying his name, as if asking him to sit with you, that Niah, knowing how the relationship had ended, would have made him sit in front of you.
Seokmin noticed your discomfort, the way your spine had become a little straighter, the way your eyes were hard and cautious at the same time. Your reaction made him angry. What right did you have to behave that way, as if you were hurt when all the decisions regarding a relationship both of you were in had been made by you?
You were the one who signed up for a master's degree abroad. It was you who never told him about your decision. It was you who kept everything secret, making him believe that the two of you were on the same page and that despite your different goals, you would be able to pursue them together.
Turns out he was wrong, those dreams were just his and didn't include him.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Chan asked for the thousandth time.
For the first time in a long time, Seokmin was having a hard time hiding how he really felt. That polished, carefully carved mask had fallen. It was a completely atypical day and everyone was able to notice his sudden change in mood. Even Chan, who normally did a great job of ignoring all the problems around him and focusing solely on his work, seemed to be walking on eggshells around him.
“It’s really obvious, isn’t it?” Seokmin asked in a low voice and Chan just nodded "And if I pretend it's because of the new segment, will anyone believe it?"
Again, Chan nodded. Since he had started the program, 3 years before, Seokmin would receive calls and speak directly to listeners. Although there were always interactions, those were always done through live chat and email when he received questions or stories from people who were not listening to the program when it was airing.
Seokmin wasn't nervous about the idea, he was actually excited. Chan knew this and knew that whatever the problem was, it was still the same as the day of the lecture. He didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to seem invasive, but he still wanted to make sure Seokmin was okay — or at least, well enough to do the program.
“I think everyone is already thinking that” was a lie and even Seokmin knew it, but he was grateful.
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“You may already know this, but today we will start a new segment. We'll call it the heart to heart helpline, at least until we find a better name at least” Seokmin's voice and laugh resonated through the taxi “We'll take your calls and some of you will be able to talk to me and ask your questions live, instead of by chat. Each person will have a maximum of 2 minutes and we will answer 6 calls today”
You had left the house completely willing to avoid anything related to Seokmin. Realistically, you knew you couldn't do anything about the billboards and his face at bus stops, but you could very well avoid his radio show. And for a few weeks you had managed to do just that.
That day at the restaurant had almost been a cathartic moment. Somehow, it was as if something had clicked and fallen into place. The Seokmin you left behind no longer existed. It had been a naive thought to think so. You didn't expect that he would still be exactly the same person, of course not. Seven years had passed and Seokmin, like you, was approaching his thirties. Obviously, many things had changed, but you still expected to see traces of that 22-year-old boy you had known and loved.
You didn't spend more than five minutes with him at that table. And it was much more than enough. He had accused you of running away, of continuing to do this for years. Of course, that could be his view on everything, but it was never your intention. The only problem was that you hadn't been able to tell him those things. You had been so lost and so completely helpless in front of him that you had forgotten that you knew how to speak and form sentences.
You had spent years of your life writing letters to him, letters that he would never read, but that was beside the point. You wrote letters as a way to appease the emptiness you felt in your heart. You never, not for a second, thought you were running away. You never wanted to run away, but Seokmin seemed to believe you did.
In a sudden burst of anger, you took your phone out of your bag and dialed the number Seokmin spoke on the radio. You didn't expect your call to go through. In fact, you didn't even know what you expected.
“Please wait a minute, we will connect your call” a non-robotic voice said as you paid for the taxi.
Seokmin was still chatting animatedly with a listener who didn't have a real question, but who “just wanted to say that I really liked your show and that I’m a fan.” It was impossible not to roll your eyes. If she, and everyone else, knew how much of a complete asshole he could be just because he had the opportunity, they would never want to see his face again.
Or maybe they would team up against you in favor of the immaculate Seokmin. God knew how easily a man could turn public opinion in his favor with a beautiful smile. And God was also a witness that Seokmin's smile was simply wonderful, one that took your breath away, one that made you smile along because it was contagious.
“Welcome to the heart to heart helpline” Seokmin’s voice sounded in your ear “What’s your question?”
You didn't really think that your call would get through to Seokmin, you didn't think the signal would be good enough inside the elevator, but none of that seemed to be a problem.
“Hello, can you hear me?” he asked.
You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You knew you were going really crazy, but you decided to throw caution out the window and be the crazy person everyone used to believe you were.
“Yes, I’m here” you could have sworn, that even over the phone, you felt Seokmin tense up “It’s a question about an old relationship, we broke up years ago, if that’s okay”
You struggled with your keys, trying to unlock the door as quickly as possible. You needed to get to your computer or tablet, whichever was closer. It was almost a physical necessity to see Seokmin's reaction to your voice, your question.
You always knew how to tell if he was truly calm or if he was masking what he was feeling. You wanted to know if you still had any other sort of effect on him. Whatever it was, it was better than angry disdain.
“Old relationships should stay in the past, don’t you think?” he finally said.
You nodded as you ran into your room. You knew you would find the tablet under your pillow — you were sure that if your mother saw it she would say that your brain would explode due to the radiation from the device. With a few taps, you opened the stream of Seokmin's program.
“I think so. But the problem is that we keep seeing each other. I don’t think it’s something either of us want, but it seems inevitable.”
You turned the sound off, you just wanted to focus on his reactions. Seokmin swallowed hard, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes fixed on the microphone in front of him. To anyone, it just seemed like he was concentrating on the call, on what the person on the other end of the line had to say, but you knew very well that it was to hide his reactions.
"Your question?"
“Well, he called me selfish and said I ran away when we broke up, but that's not exactly what happened. I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t think he wants to listen to me.”
Seokmin took a deep breath and seemed to think about what to say next, his eyes no longer on the microphone, but on the ceiling.
“And why does he think that about you? You probably gave him reasons, don't you think? I don’t think anyone would think that about someone without anything having happened.”
“I always dreamed of studying abroad, so when the opportunity came, I went. I
"
“Did you tell him you were going?” Seokmin clenched his fists on the desk, his fingers gripped the pen in his hand tightly until his knuckles were white. “Did you give him a chance to say something or did you just walk away?”
You were speechless, eyes focused only on Seokmin. The way his hair perfectly framed his face, his sculpted thin nose. He was still exactly like he was seven years ago, just somehow different. He was the same, but he also wasn't.
You hadn't given him the chance to say anything, you had just walked away, but because you believed it was the best thing to do. You would have stayed if he had asked, I would have aborted all of your plans for him,
“Long distance relationships don’t work” you said finally, your voice lower “especially when there’s an ocean separating people”
“I'm going to guess and say that you were together for a while because I don't think anyone would care that much about a quick relationship” his voice became more sober, completely in control of his emotions, the opposite of what you felt,  like you were enclosed every second that passed “I agree with you, long-distance relationships don’t work. Different cities are already complicated, I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone who lives in another country. You didn't give many details, but I believe he had reasons to feel that way, just as you had your reasons for leaving without warning. I think the best thing for both of you is to let it fall into oblivion. It makes no sense for either of you to dwell on these feelings. Maybe your desire to talk exists because you think you've left things open with him, but he may think that what's in the past shouldn't be remembered. Maybe you're just a bad relationship he wants to forget.”
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Letter #5
Seokmin
I found out by chance that you now have your own radio show. One day it was an empty slot in the schedule and the next it was your voice. To my joy and delight, it was one of those programs that also had video streaming. I say joy and delight in a very ironic way.
But I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for you. You always said it was your dream and in a way, here we are, achieving our dreams. It would have been better if we could have lived through this together, I think. Maybe if that were the case I wouldn't have this empty feeling inside my chest.
But I discovered a long time ago that I can't keep crying over spilled milk. I left and you moved on with your life. They were conscious choices, I knew what I was doing. I knew that making this choice would have hurt both of us, but I also knew that we could overcome it. It's just taking longer than expected. I honestly thought that by this point, so many years later, we would have been able to live as if the past were just that, the past.
But it's not like that for me or for you.
I may be completely crazy, but your show is about love advice and how to deal with heartbreak. Sometimes, when I hear you talk, I'm sure you've already dealt with all your feelings, after all, you've had other girlfriends. But there are other moments, when you answer a question or when you read one of the pre-written texts when I'm sure that what you said applies directly to what we both had.
I'm going crazy, aren't I?
It's been four years since I left. I already finished my master's degree and started my PhD, exactly as planned. I have a date tonight with a guy who seems genuinely nice, but here I am, writing yet another letter that will never be sent to the guy I was in love with.
What am I still doing?
yn
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Seokmin had always believed that for a relationship to truly end there must be no trace of it anywhere. When he told his listeners that they should get rid of items, it was not a lie. He was just terrible at following his own advice. The old story of do as I say, not as I do.
Finally, he decided it was time to take his own advice. With a little pain and resentment added to the mix, of course. At this point, he wondered if he could already be considered a masochist or if he still had a few boxes to tick to get the title.
Getting your address had been easier than expected. All he had to do was ask Niah, who offered the information without any resistance.
“Being thirty didn't make either of you any smarter,” she said as she leaned across the table and wrote the address on the napkin.
“Almost thirty” he felt the need to correct her, but decided he would ignore the hidden message in her words.
Seokmin never stopped going to Niah's restaurant. It was there that he had cried his sorrows over the cheapest drinks possible, he didn't have the money to pay for the good ones, while Joshua tried to console him. He had never seen Niah so stressed and angry. She hadn't said anything, but you could clearly hear the sound of her cutting the vegetables more aggressively than necessary.
Little by little she became calmer about the situation and started talking about you with the same affection as before. Seokmin always thought she had somehow kept in touch with you, or at least found a way to get your number or a way to contact you. At first, he had been angry, but somehow he believed he didn't have that right. It was only after a year that Seokmin decided to ask and the answer he received was “if I still had contact with her, I would have already screamed at her about disappearing without telling anyone”.
Asking Niah for your address was the only option he had. He refused to go to college, where you worked. He didn't know what would happen, whether you would be friendly with each other or the conversation would end in a shouting match just because. Because after years of no contact and considering the way things ended, it was pretty obvious that resentment could resurface — at least Seokmin had resentment up to his neck and knew that not releasing them all at once required almost inhuman self-control. 
He looked at the building one more time before getting out of the car. It was one of those without a doorman. Seokmin knew that if he rang and asked to be let in, the probability of being sent to hell was very high. So he pulled up his cap down and covered as much of his face as he could while he balanced the boxes on his arms.
He stood there like a madman for almost twenty minutes until someone finally left the building. Seokmin felt like he was committing a crime when he slipped through the door before it closed. Even though the feeling was strange he made himself believe it was the only option he had and he really didn't have any bad intentions. He just wanted to return your things and, hopefully, arrange that if you ever met again, you’d simply pretend you don't know each other, instead of talking nonsense to each other.
Seokmin took a deep breath once before knocking on the door. He heard footsteps and a second later the door opened.
When you imagined what your Wednesday night would be like, the only option that crossed your mind was to order a pizza and watch a movie — the random option of Netflix seemed like your best friend and the only possible option because you weren't even able to choose what to watch by yourself.
Not even in your wildest daydreams could you have imagined that Seokmin would show up at your door with two boxes in his hand.
You were partially tempted to close the door on his face, but you knew that doing so would only make the whole situation worse. If Seokmin, who clearly didn't have any good feelings about you, was standing there at your door it was because he had something to say. Or more precisely to hand it over to you, considering the boxes in his arms.
Silently you stepped aside so he had enough room to enter. You wanted to slap yourself for the complete war zone that your living room was in. You were still unpacking the moving boxes, not that you had taken much with you. It was too expensive to send things from one country to another, especially furniture. You had only focused on your clothes and books and a few things you wanted to keep, and that alone was more than you were willing to spend. In addition to the boxes, you had all the things you still had to buy, but you still didn't have the mind to do it.
You had so much going through your head that cleaning the apartment was just another task you wanted to avoid. But it was one that could be left for later. In the few minutes that Seokmin spent there, you wished you had tidied it up, that he hadn't seen how that room represented your life at that moment: a complete mess.
"What are you doing here?" you finally asked when you managed to get your vocal cords to work properly.
Seokmin didn't seem to care about the mess but paid attention to everything else around him.
He placed the boxes on the counter and took off his cap, pressing the brims with his fingertips looking for what to say next. He had rehearsed an almost poetic speech in the car, something about being adults and how your relationship had ended a long time ago, so neither of you should have any regrets left. But the moment you opened the door and looked at him it was as if all the words had simply evaporated from his mind, as if he had never learned to speak in the first place.
It had always been that way with you. Sometimes when he looked at you, even when you were still together, he got lost. He was like a man adrift who had finally found solid land. It was as if he heard a click and the world started to move once again.
One of his favorite things, when you were dating and living together, was being able to come home after an exhausting day and see you sitting on the sofa in the living room, your computer on your lap, while you studied, occasionally shouting profanities at the computer. On those days, Seokmin would simply push the computer away and lay his head on your lap.
“Just five minutes” he used to say with his eyes closed.
You’d laugh, fingers immediately running through his hair, as if it was the most natural movement in the world.
“Who do you want me to insult today? You know my vocabulary is very colorful.”
How many times had he slept in that position, without meaning to, and you had to drag him to bed because “it's comfortable for you, but my legs are numb and you have to take a shower, you won't sleep dirty next to me, sir”.
It was impossible not to wonder where it all went wrong.
“I came to return your things” he pointed at the boxes.
You suppressed the urge to bend down and rummage through the boxes. You wanted to know what he had kept, what he considered important enough to keep for so many years. You knew he no longer lived in the apartment you shared. When you were looking for apartments you saw that that one was up for rent. It was necessary to restrain yourself from choosing it. It wasn't a good apartment, at least not at the time — the photos on the website said the property had undergone renovations two years earlier and had no tenants since. It wasn't big, it barely fit one person, but it was what your extremely limited budget could afford at the time. Somehow you and Seokmin turned that small space into a home full of life. Of love.
In the places where you lived, you bought all kinds of trinkets to fill the space, furniture you didn't need and never used, hoping to imitate, for even a second, the feeling you had in that little 35 square meter apartment.
You never quite managed to do that.
“Thank you” you said sincerely “I thought all my things had gone in the trash”
You laughed and Seokmin squeezed the back of his head and pointed at the boxes.
“I sold what I could, I didn't want to put it in storage because I really thought we would never see each other again. The money is in an envelope”
“Why did you keep all this?” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop yourself “You should have thrown it away or, since you sold it, you should have spent the money”
Seokmin had asked himself that question several times before, sober or not, and he never had an answer. After a while, he simply stopped questioning and accepted it as something he had to do, to have some kind of sanity. It didn’t. Knowing that those boxes were inside his wardrobe, having to go through them the two times he moved, only brought back memories that he would like to forget.
Ever since you had seen each other again for the first time, memories that Seokmin had struggled to bury came to the surface as if they had just happened. He started to dream about you, dreams that range from memories to things that never actually happened, he started to wonder if it would be okay to talk with someone. His brain always screamed NO, so he was stuck just dreaming.
“I don’t have a good enough reason. It is what it is, I guess,” he said.
The last time Seokmin felt so embarrassed around you was right when you met and even then it only lasted a few minutes. The 18 year old Seokmin was much braver than the 29 year old man in front of him.
That boy, without any guilt or remorse, would have asked every question that could cross his mind. You’d say “your mind is beautiful, it even echoes sometimes”. Seokmin wanted to still have some of that boy's strength. Maybe that was the only way to know what he wanted. He wouldn't ask and he knew you wouldn't offer the information to him without being pressured.
“I think in the end, we both got what we wanted.”
You realized you said the wrong thing when you looked at Seokmin’s hands. A second before he was clutching his cap until his knuckles turned white, the next his long fingers were still. You didn't want to see the expression on his face. You knew what you’d find. You messed up, but couldn’t take back what you said.
“You got what you wanted” Seokmin corrected you, his voice firm, his tone hard.
“You always wanted to have a radio show”
“No, I wanted you. I could adapt to everything else if it meant I would have you.”
You shook your head. You knew it wasn't true. Hell, even Seokmin knew it wasn’t true. The first time you talked, Seokmin mentioned how much he wanted to be a radio host and have his own show, of any kind. I don't have a preference, I know I can give anything my own colors. You felt envious of his certainty, of the way he knew he could do it.
“The show has always been your dream” you tried again, despite knowing it was in vain to argue with him.
“My dream was to have a life by your side. You never, not once, told me that you signed up to study abroad, you never even mentioned it. When it was time to go you just got on a plane and disappeared. You never even gave me the chance to follow you. I could have been a journalist anywhere in the world”
Seokmin hated the direction of that conversation, hated being so exposed in front of you after so many years. In the past, it wasn't a problem. Before he wanted to be exposed in front of you, he wanted to share everything he was, every aspect of himself with you. No more. The problem was that he couldn't just stop. A gate was opened and there was no way to close it.
“So, what? Would we both be living based on our dreams? Because this is a dream, and you know it very well.”
You clung to the top rail of the chair, your head lolling forward in an almost futile attempt to stop him from seeing the tears forming in your eyes. You knew you couldn't hold them.
You weren't the type of person who cried often, you did what you could to avoid it, but when the tears came it was impossible to simply stop them from falling.
“Yeah, maybe I was really dreaming, because I believed that you loved me in the same proportion, but it’s quite obvious that you didn’t”
Seven years of pent-up frustration couldn't just disappear, he should have known. He should have imagined that going there would be a problem, that being in the same space as you without any kind of interference was a mistake. But he was still there and there was no way to escape. It was better to end everything quickly than to keep those feelings for another seven years in the hopes of one day being able to say something.
Seokmin watched as you went to one of the boxes in the corner of the room and opened it forcefully, tearing the cardboard, and causing some of the contents to slide across the floor. He felt his body freeze as a roll of film stopped at his feet.
“So explain to me, why do I buy a roll of film every time I pass by a store?” you put both hands inside the box and took out several rolls of film, of different brands and models. “Explain to me, why have I followed your career all this time and never missed a damn show in the last 3 years? Why would I wake up in the middle of the night to watch the broadcast and then listen to the show again while going to work because I just wanted to hear your voice?”
You walked to another box, but you opened this one a little more carefully as if wanting to protect the contents.
“Why did I spend 7 years writing letters that would never be read to a guy I never loved?”
You threw several envelopes at Seokmin’s chest. Your face and body shook out of anger or another feeling he couldn't quite tell.
Seokmin bent down to pick up one of the envelopes from the floor. His name was written in your careful handwriting. He didn't need to look at all the other ones to know that they were also addressed to him. He didn't know how many letters were scattered on the floor, or if there were any left in the box. The only thing he was sure of was that he had no idea how to proceed.
“If that doesn’t say I loved you, if that doesn’t say I still love you, I don’t know what the fuck does.”
Seokmin saw the first tear run down your face and fell silent. He knew he should turn his back, he knew he should walk away, just like you did seven years before. Instead, he took four steps in your direction, his eyes never left your heaving chest and the tears that ran freely over your cheeks. 
At that moment he knew that he only had two options: he could turn around and leave, he gave you back your things that alone made his plan a success; or he could kiss you like he had been wanting to since the moment he saw you again.
To hell with his plan.
Seokmin held your face in his hands and pulled you to him, crashing his lips on yours. It was an all too new feeling but also familiar, almost like coming to a remodeled home. It was him and it was you, if only it was just that simple. 
You sighed into him, your arms wrapping around his slim waist while your hand balled a fist full of his shirt. There were so many moments where you wished you could be right in that spot, again in his arms. Dreams and daydreams, wishful thinking, whatever you could call it. Thoughts of Seokmin had always been a constant in your mind. It was impossible not to compare other people you went out with to him. 
Your longest relationship had been one of almost a full year. Although the beginning had been good and easy, with you somehow managing to avoid any and all Seokmin related dreams and thoughts, it turned sour the second he crossed your mind.
“Seokmin, I
”
He shook his head and pressed his forehead to yours, eyes so intense that it was difficult to keep looking at him. 
“Let’s not overthink it, okay?” was all he said. 
You held his face for a couple, searching for something in his features, anything at all, that could indicate that the moment wasn’t for that. But all you saw in him was the same emotions you felt, the same need and desire. 
You pulled Seokmin to you again, this time hungrier, your chest pressed to his. Your mind was loud telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t be doing that, why having him so close to you was truly the most dangerous situation you could possibly put yourself in. But all of those voices, all of those words and thoughts were silenced the moment he kissed you again. 
His lips were hungry, demanding all of you. And it was so easy to just give in to him, to his hands roaming on your body, down your back until he reached your ass. He gave it a light squeeze and ran his hand back up again, this time under your shirt. You moaned softly at the contact of his skin on yours, as he kissed your neck, bitting on the exact same spot he found years before. 
He smiled over your skin. 
“At least this hasn’t changed”
It was all too much but not nearly enough. Just having him that close to you was dizzying enough but him touching you and enjoying the fact that you were just as weak for him at twenty nine made you never want to let go of him again.
“Where’s your room?”
You took Seokmin by the hand, guiding him through the narrow corridor. 
Your room was barely a room to begin with. You had no furniture except for the mattress lying on the floor, your clothes were either on the suitcase or on the chair on the side. 
“This is unlike you” Seokmin said, his chest pressed to your back while he nibbled on the skin of your neck. 
“I
 hm
 I” you sturred a little when he bit into a particularly sensitive spot, making him chuckle “I’m waiting on delivery”
Seokmin turned you around in his arms while lightly pushing you down on the mattress. His eyes never left yours as he ran his hand under your shirt, moving the fabric up until your chest was exposed. 
It had been so long since you had been with anyone, it was almost like a reflex to want to pull your shirt back down. Since him, it had been hard to just let yourself be exposed to someone like that. You had become awfully aware of your body and things you never cared for or paid attention to before suddenly became worries. You didn't like that insecure version of yourself but when Seokmin cupped your breast in his hand his touch was almost solemn. 
It was probably the worst timing in the world when you felt tears burn on the back of your eyes. You pulled his face to yours again, trying to hide your tears from him once again. 
Suddenly, his touch was tender when he pushed a few strands of hair away from your face, his fingers careful. 
Seokmin moved down on your body. When you saw his fingers on the waistband of shorts you lifted your hips off of the mattress to help him move the fabric down quicker. 
He kissed your hips and inner thigh. You moaned in anticipation, your hand taking a fist full of his soft hair. When his lips finally found your clit it was like fireworks erupted behind your closed eyelids.
Seokmin was impossibly hard in his pants, embarrassingly so like he was a teenager having his first time. 
He never thought that he would have you in his arms again and yet there you were in front of him, no reservations. Just for him. And for a moment it was like his brain was in short circuit, the small electric waves running all over his body, down to his toes. 
He licked a path from your cunt to your clit. He went down on you almost in desperation, his nose brushing on your clit every now and then. 
"Seokmin..." his name was barely a whisper in your lips, but it was also a chant. 
Your orgasm hits you quickly, leaving you short of air and with shaky legs. You were spiraling in the most enticing way possible. It didn't stop Seokmin though as he kept sucking you frantically. 
You tugged on his hair, pulling him up and to you again. 
I love you,  the words almost fell out of your lips. It would have been so easy to just say them, to be open about your feelings just this once. 
Deep down you knew that that moment would be a one time kind of thing. It was just the kind of moment people sometimes needed to just completely let go of everything. Or in this case, nothing. It was to let go of seven years of complete nothingness and silence.
You opened the button of his jeans and pushed it down, his boxers following along. You wrapped your hand around his cock, pumping him a couple of times. Realization suddenly came over you. You never expected Seokmin to show up to your place, much less that it would lead to that moment, and there wasn't anyone else in your life, so you weren't ready for it. 
"I don't have a condom" you said breathlessly.
Seokmin looked lost for a second, his brain going to his wallet, questioning whether or not he had one in him. 
"I can pull out," he said "if that's okay"
All you did was nod and Seokmin aligned himself with your hole. He pushed in slowly, savoring each moment when your pussy pulled him in until there was no space between the two of you. 
Seokmin kissed you again to give himself time to adjust to you squeezing him. You held his face close to yours, in your eyes a mix of emotions he didn't want to understand. Not in that moment at least.
"I don't want anyone else," you said looking into his eyes, your thumb running over his bottom lip "No one else can make me feel the way you do"
To hell with care and self-preservation. You let go of those the moment you opened the door for him, the moment you let him into your home, the moment you didn't push him away when he kissed you. 
Seokmin fucks you slowly, his pace torturous as you beg and beg for more. He intertwined his fingers with yours and held one of your hands above your head while the other one held your hips in place. 
"Seokmin... harder"
And it's like a switch has gone off inside his brain. His once slow pace becomes shallow. The sound of your breaths and his skin slapping against yours were the only ones heard, echoing through the empty room. 
Your orgasm sneaks up on you, catching you so off guard you scream because it's too much. 
You pushed Seokmin away and watched in ecstasy as he wrapped his hand around his cock, his hand working fast as your name left his lips when his release fell on the sheet by your side. 
Seokmin dropped his body over yours again, his forehead on your shoulder. You closed your eyes and ran your hand over his hair. 
"I love you" you allowed yourself to say, even if it meant nothing to him. 
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Letter #6
Seokmin,
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm coming home. Or the closest thing I still have to a home. Needless to say, my mother is happy with the news. She's been tormenting me for years, asking me to come back, but since I set foot here I decided I wasn't going back.
I wanted to, but I wouldn't go back.
Every time I thought about going back, the first thing that came into my head was the last image I had of you. Your teary eyes wishing me a safe flight, saying I love you and hope you accomplish everything you want. I regretted it the moment I gave my things away and handed my passport into the hand of the airline girl. I should have come back, I should have given up, but I couldn't. That old story of putting myself first and second, you know how it goes. In this case, my entire top 10 was just different versions of me.
I think I actually felt scared because as time went by, little by little without me realizing it right away, you became a very big part of my life. A part that could change everything. I felt like I depended on you too much. It wasn't fair to you or me.
We were only 22, Seokmin. When we were so young, we thought that life was conquered and today I know that is not the case. Far from it. At 22 I had a degree and worked part-time at a cafe to pay the bills, just like you.
You might think I'm selfish, I'm sure you do based on the things you say on your show. I was selfish and on some level, I don't regret it. I did what I always planned to do, what I always wanted to do. And now I'm coming home.
Part of me wants to run and find you, explain why I made the decisions I did, why I never told you. But I know you won't want to listen to me. I wouldn't want to listen to me either. Why would I listen to someone who left just like that? It really wouldn't make sense.
But another part, this one a little more rational, says that I shouldn't throw salt into the wound after so many years have gone by. I have the scar here, hidden enough for no one to see, but prominent enough for me to remember what I did every single day.
I think that's what I'm going to do. I think that's what I have to do. It wouldn't be fair to just show up in front of you and say “hi, I'm back” after seven years.
You have become a big “what if” for me. What if I had stayed? Would we have stayed together or would our relationship have ended years ago? What if I had told you what I was doing while I was doing it? Would you have asked me to stay? What if I had given the possibility of a long-distance relationship? Would we have worked out or would you start to resent me for leaving and end up hurting each other anyway?
The most absurd thing is that I still like you, I'm still in love with you. I've always heard that distance makes love end or something like that. I haven't seen you in seven years, I don't know what's going on in your life — you're really good at hiding everything being a celebrity now — so it doesn't make any sense that my feelings haven't changed even after all this time. This guy I see online might not be the Seokmin I fell in love with, just like I'm not the same person you remember.
Every time I hear your voice I still feel butterflies in my stomach. I sleep and dream about you. When I wake up I think about you and I wonder if you think about me too. It is not normal. It's not healthy. Life went on and I think it is our obligation to move forward together. We are not a museum to only feed on the past.
Let's continue as we are now, what do you think? We will once again be in the same country, in the same city, but I think it's best for both of us to pretend that nothing will change. It's a huge city, what are the chances of us meeting?
yn
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Before you even opened your eyes, you already knew what you would find. Or who you wouldn't find. You knew the space next to you on the mattress would be empty. You had noticed the exact moment Seokmin had gotten up, but you forced yourself to believe that he had just gone to the bathroom. You had kept your eyes closed and had somehow gone back to sleep.
You had been naive to think that the night had changed something, that the way everything seemed like it would be fine was an indication that things had finally gotten back on track. If any, the train simply ended up derailing.
When Seokmin kissed you it was magical, no matter how cliché and teenage it may sound. It was as if the world had fallen into place again, as if you had finally returned home after being away for so long. You couldn't help but wonder if that was why you'd taken the job, in the foolish, unconscious hope that there might be a chance, however slight, of being with him again.
You forced yourself to sit up and pulled the sheet up to cover your naked body. The shirt and shorts you wore the night before were next to you on the floor, but you refused to wear those clothes, opting to rummage through the boxes in the corner of the room looking for clean ones.
You didn't want to go to the living room, didn't want to be mocked by the two boxes that Seokmin had left on the counter, but you couldn't help it. It was as if your feet had a life of their own. When you realized it, you were already sitting on the living room floor with the two boxes in front of you.
You momentarily decided to ignore the smaller black box and pulled the large one closer. The first thing you saw was the envelope Seokmin mentioned the night before. Money, especially the one in the envelope, wasn't something you were going to worry about. You didn't care about it, you didn't lie when you told him that he should have spent it. That money would remain untouched.
There were also a few books you read and made annotations on, two stuffed animals, and all the picture frames you had left behind.
One of the things you regretted the most was not taking with you when you left were photos of you and Seokmin. You had only taken one, which was folded inside your wallet. It was already so old and worn out that it had almost turned to dust, but you would never get it out. It was you and Seokmin at Niah's old restaurant, he was smiling at the camera while you looked at him. It was your favorite picture.
At the bottom of the box was the camera you had given Seokmin as a birthday present a few months before you left. You had saved whatever money you could for months to buy him the camera he wanted, one that he always talked about and whenever you passed by a store you stood outside looking at it, almost as if it would magically appear in his hands.
You understood his reasons for leaving the camera there — or, at least, the reasons you could imagine—but you wished he had kept using it. Not because it was a gift from you, but because it was something he wanted. His smile was so big when you gave it to him, the tip of his nose slightly pointed down because of it.
Carefully you put everything back inside and put it aside.
The smaller box, for some reason, was scary. It was light and black, and you could hear its contents moving as you held it in your hands. You took one last deep breath and removed the lid.
Inside were photos you had never seen before. Photos of you alone, Seokmin wasn't in any of them. In none of them were you posing or smiling directly at the camera.
Most of them had been taken from a distance, without you noticing. In some you were inside the cafe where you worked, smiling at customers and serving tables, in others you were simply walking down the street, looking through window shops and pointing at something. Seokmin had taken countless photos of you without you even realizing it.
It was strange to see yourself through his eyes, even if it was a version of you that no longer existed. A much younger and more optimistic version. Did I smile that much? you couldn't help but ask. You never saw yourself as particularly optimistic or constantly smiling. You were happy, that's undeniable, but you didn't know that's how people saw you.
There were so many photos, from completely different moments, both from the beginning of your relationship with Seokmin, and from all the phases you went through together.
Behind the pictures were the post-its that you left around the apartment, reminding Seokmin of somewhere you had together or simply saying that you loved him. So many had a simple “I love you” written on them, others said “have a good day today!”.
You had no idea he had kept them. You always thought that once read, they were discarded, but there they were, intact as if you had just written them.
The very first one you had ever written, when you had just started dating, was also there. At the time, unlike Seokmin who never had a hard time expressing how he felt, it was almost impossible for you to be openly honest. So you wrote it on a post-it and stuck it inside one of his notebooks. He had shown up at the dorm a few hours after you left the library.
“Say it again, but this time looking at me”
You frowned, pretending you didn't understand.
“Your nose is beautiful”
You laughed when Seokmin wrapped his arms around you, squeezing a little, trapping your arms close to your body. His face was very close to yours.
“What you wrote in the note” he said softly, his cheek pressed against yours “Say it again, please”
The truth was that you had loved Seokmin, in a way you didn't believe was possible and maybe that was why you spent the last seven years writing letters to him.
Seokmin never left your mind, not truly. There was always a desire, even if veiled, to return home, to find out how he was, to just say “I know I messed up, I’m sorry”.
It was that desire that made your entire body go cold as you took one last item out of the box. A smaller box that fit in the palm of your hand. You knew what it was before you even opened it and opening it was the worst choice at that moment. Your heart, which was already broken, somehow managed to break even more, into a billion, shiny, new pieces.
Seokmin would have proposed if you hadn't left.
When the first sob echoed through the living room, you didn't try to hold it back, you just accepted the feeling of being absolutely lost and heartbroken.
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The weather outside the building seemed to mimic the way you had felt in the last few weeks, torrential rain that had no end in sight. You watched the news hoping for an improvement, hoping that the rain would stop for at least a few hours, but it seemed like a distant dream.
All your students were already gone and there was nothing left for you to do. The handed in assignments were graded and the tests were ready to be applied the following week. You had never hated yourself so much for simply doing your job. You wanted to be, at least for that day, like other teachers who left corrections until the last possible second and left students desperate for their grades.
The hallway was in complete silence, a clear sign that everyone had left already. And you had already waited hours for the rain to stop, until the sky was completely dark, and if anything the rain had only gotten worse.
You sighed and picked up your bag from the chair. You wouldn't risk taking any books, papers, or documents home, the possibility of everything getting ruined was too big. Besides, you needed a rest, at that point it was well deserved.
Ever since you had opened the boxes Seokmin left behind, you had immersed yourself in work in every way possible. You had accepted all of the dean's requests and even offered to teach extra classes whenever there was a missing professor.
And even so, even though you had more work than you wanted, you still found time to look at all of his social media. You still listened to all his programs, even listened to the old ones before going to sleep.
It was almost like a form of elaborate torture done solely and exclusively with you in mind. And worst of all, it was self-inflicted. It was as if your brain liked it, begged for it.
The box with the engagement ring was next to your pseudo bed. It was the last thing you saw before going to sleep and the first thing you saw when you woke up. Instead of spending hours on your phone, you sat there, staring at the small box.
You hadn't dared to open it again. You had never felt so lost as you did that day, looking at that ring.
You wouldn't be a hypocrite to say that you had never imagined your life if you had married Seokmin, but before it was nothing more than a daydream. The ring made that dream an attainable reality. It had been in your hands and you just walked away.
A curse left your lips when you noticed that the umbrella you had used that morning was missing from the umbrella holder next to the door.
“Great, that’s exactly what I needed” you muttered, slamming the door shut behind you.
You were tired, exhausted to tell the truth. All you wanted was to get home, take a shower, and watch some relationship reality show, to escape the tragedy that was your own love life.
You closed your eyes and sighed as you reached the entrance. The next bus stop or subway station was at least a 15 minute walk away. That was a problem that existed when you went to school there, everything was far away. One would think that they would do something to improve that, but one would be wrong.
You thought about taking shelter in the nearest coffee shop, but you knew it was almost closing time. You wouldn't be the person who forces employees to stay late, not when you had worked at that exact coffee shop years ago.
Even with your heavy coat covering most of your body, the rain was cold on your back and it was hard to see anything ahead, even if it was just a few steps away. Even the sound of cars was muffled by the rain.
“yn?” a car was on your left, and it was moving at the same speed as you. The face of whoever was behind the wheel was blurred by the rain, but you would have recognized that voice anywhere in the world.
“Let me give you a ride”
You shook your head. The last thing you should do was get in the car with him. It was too dangerous, you were sure that if you looked at him for more than a second you’d start crying. Just by hearing his voice your eyes were burning and a lump was forming in your throat.
“It’s fine, the bus stop is right there”
“There was an accident back there, the bus won’t be here anytime soon”
You grumbled. Of course, there was an accident, of course, there wouldn't be a bus and with your luck, the subway would probably be closed too.
"If your car went through the accident, a taxi will too”
You quickened your pace, not because of the rain, but because you wanted to get away from him. You needed to get away from him.
“Jesus, yn, just get in the car. You’re going to get sick”
You pretended you didn't hear what he said and kept walking, face down – trying to escape both the rain and him. The first tear fell from your eyes. For the first time in days, you were grateful for the rain, because you could pretend it was just water and not a visual representation of your broken heart on your cheeks.
Seokmin stopped the car right there, in the middle of the street. He didn't care if someone was standing behind him honking like crazy — something that was bound to happen.
When he left your apartment that day he felt like he was 22 again, but this time he was the one leaving.
Hearing that you loved him was everything he had wanted, but the timing was strangely right and wrong, both at the same time.
Both of you screamed, shouted, and said what you wanted to say — or at least part of what you wanted to say. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, at the same time a new one was placed on it.
After you fell asleep in his arms, the only thing Seokmin could think about were the letters scattered across the living room floor. There were so many. He couldn't believe you had spent all those years writing letters to him.
He needed to read them all. He would have done it in the living room, but he didn't know what awaited him, so he collected them all from the floor and a few more that had been left in the box and left.
He read the first one in the car, he couldn't wait until he got home. 
Seokmin cried right there, the same way he cried when you left. Inconsolable. His heart broke and healed in equal measure with every word of yours he read.
Seokmin always believed that you left like that, without a single word, because you didn't like him that much, because you didn’t want to be with him anymore. Not that he thought the entire relationship had been a lie, but he thought that somehow the love had ended. It happened to everyone, the probability of it happening to him was also high.
The truth could not be different. There wasn't a letter in which you didn't say you loved him, not always in those words, but he knew you well enough to know that was what you said.
After reading all the letters, Seokmin called Joshua. He cried on the phone with his friend and then once again when he showed up at his place with bad beer and takeout food. “Since we’re going to talk about our college days, I think we should do the same thing we did back then” was all he said.
Seokmin was on his way to you when he saw you walking without an umbrella. He wanted to talk to you, to know if even after so long you still wanted to try with him one more time. It was better to try than to always wonder what could have been.
“I read your letters!” he shouted louder than the rain.
His words were enough to make you stop walking, but you still didn't turn to face him. It was too hard to breathe. Your chest rose and fell irregularly each time you tried to pull the air in.
You knew Seokmin had taken the letters. Part of you knew he would read them, but the last thing you expected was for him to want to talk about them.
“I know” you said when he approached “I saw they were gone, and you were the only person who came by”
“Do you know why I accepted to host a love advice show? Besides it being something I've always wanted, of course” he didn't give you time to answer “Because a part of me wanted you to listen, to know that I was okay, even if it was a lie. I thought that if I talked about it on a show that had used the nickname you gave me, you’d regret it. I thought that I should make you regret it because it was the only way I could still think about you without looking like a fool after so long. I thought you didn’t care, that you had left because you didn’t like me anymore, so making you regret your decision was the only option I had”
You shook your head. It wasn't true, not by a long shot.
“I'm sorry” you said softly “I should have told you what I was doing, that I had applied for the and got in. I thought it was my only option. It was so stupid. I was so stupid”
Seokmin laughed a little, fingers running under your eyes. A second later he pressed his lips over yours.
“I know, I read your letters”
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Seokmin,
It's been a good few years since I wrote you a letter. After a while, I didn't think I needed it anymore because I started saying everything I wanted, everything I felt, looking at you. Of course, this new arrangement has its demerits, as the paper and pen don't look at me like a lost puppy. But paper and pen don't kiss me either, so it has its bonus.
I thought when I came home four years ago, I would never see you again. I thought you would just be the guy who has a radio show that I would listen to every now and then. I didn't expect to see you my first week back and again and, well,  again.
As you probably know, I've never been a big fan of rainy days. I always preferred sunny days because those were the days I woke up ready to face the world. I felt better overall. But also because they reminded me of you. You know, when the sun appears after gray days? For me, you were always like that. Grand and brilliant.
But after that day, I started to like rainy days too because they started to be full of the two of us. Rain was no longer synonymous of an unproductive day, but rather of the memory of our fresh start.
You know this, we've talked about it a few times, but I spent a few months waiting for it to sink in. Sort of expecting that one day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. It was hard for both of us, I know. It was seven years of hurt and resentment and we had to navigate this uncertain sea without a map. Nobody teaches you how to do this, believe me, I looked. I found countless books on how to start dating, how to save a relationship, and how to get over a relationship. The problem is that none of them teach you how to rekindle a relationship after seven years apart, but during those seven years one of the parties wrote letters and the other had a program just to mourn the sorrows of the relationship.
I've read several, so you can trust what I say on this.
It really wasn't easy, but I think we came out better, stronger, in some way.
I love you and I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives. Our forever begins today, in a little while. So stop crying, put ice on your eyes to help the swelling go down, and go to the aisle because I miss you already.
I love you.
yn
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jjjjeonww · 4 days ago
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lee seokmin - "bad influence"
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genre - 
dont ask me this is a ff based on svt's unreleased song, bad influence dokyeom - part 1 out of 9. friends to friends with benefits? "4 in the morning, what the fuck we doing?" "you turn and say good, good time" (lyr, if you see this, told you i'd upload a seokmin fic hehe)
The club was still jumping at 4 AM, the air thick with the stench of sweat, alcohol, and desperation. you stumbled out of the crowded dance floor, your head pounding and your vision swimming. You collapsed against the sticky bar, trying to catch your breath and gather your thoughts.
Dokyem appeared beside you a moment later, just as disheveled and drunk as you were. His tie hung loosely around his neck, his hair a mess of tousled locks. He squinted at you, trying to bring you into focus.
"Four in the morning, what the fuck we doing, y/n?" he slurred, his words slightly garbled.
You turned to him, your eyes hazy and unfocused. You had to blink a few times before his face came into view. A slow, lazy smile spread across your face as you leaned into him for support.
"Good, good time" You replied, your voice thick with alcohol and mirth. "Don't be like that dokyeom-ah! Isn't this what you wanted too?"
He slid his arm around your waist, pressing his body against yours as you giggled. The alcohol coursed through your veins, numbing the pain and anxiety that had driven both you and him to seek this escape. For the first time in a long time, you felt free, unburdened by the expectations and pressures that weighed you down in your everyday life. Dokyeom's eyes widened, a flicker of hesitation in his glassy depths. But as your smile grew wider and your laughter rang out over the pounding beat, he felt himself melting into your embrace. You looked at his lips and connected them with yours, leaving dokyeom both speechless and breathless. "Gosh y/n. You're such a bad influence. You had to do it huh?"
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bella-feed · 23 days ago
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paring: non-idol!dk x med-student!(f)reader
warnings: mentions of thermometer and stethoscope, angry and dramatic dk, reader gets called as the medieval torturer 😔 ik nothing abt med school and practicals. this is what i js imagined, dont kill me if this is wrong!
wc: 480
author: i hope i have done justice to the ask, anon!
bella's masterlist
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[22:42]
it was finals week for your 3rd year of medical school, and tomorrow you had your practical and an examination. you were done with the theoretical part of the syllabus and only the practical was left.
you and dokyeom, your boyfriend of two years, were sitting in the living room of your shared apartment. you wanted to practice the practical so as to ace it tomorrow and your only patient was your restless dokyeom.
he was sitting on the couch with the thermometer dangling from his mouth as you prepared your stethoscope. he gasped dramatically and clutched his hand over his chest.
"doctor," he gasps, faking an exaggerated panicked voice. "i think my heart has stopped beating! or wait...maybe it's just racing because you’re so close."
you sigh, trying to fight the smile making its way to your lips. "kyeom, I told you—this is for practice. be serious for five minutes, please."
"but that’s boring!" he whines, throwing himself back against the couch like a dramatic soap opera star. "what kind of patient just sits still? you need to be prepared for all kinds of situations! and i am preparing you for the worst, darling!"
"right," you say, barely keeping the sarcasm out of your tone as you move closer, stethoscope in hand. "what kind of patient are you going to be now?"
he thought for a second, before sitting up straight, "i am an angry patient" he declared, crossing his arms over his chest.
"why have i been sitting here for an hour?! what kind of establishment are you running here?!"
"you litreally are in our apartment." you deadpan, pressing the stethoscope on his chest.
"ahh" he flinched. "its so cold! what are you a medieval torturer?!"
"dokyeom."
"sorry sorry, love" he said, dropping his act, trying to bite back a laugh. "i'll activate my professional patient mode now, darling. i am completely serious now. completely serious!"
he did sit still for a few moments. after sometime when you asked him to take a deep breathe, he couldn't resist anymore.
"wait—what if i have an incurable disease? like
laughteritis? the symptoms are a warm heart, uncontrollable smiles and laughs, and extreme affection for you, doctor." he grinned, showing his teeth.
you burst out laughing at his antics. "you are impossible, kyeom." you said shaking your head and removing the stethoscope.
he pulled you on his lap by your grabbing your wrist. "but you love it, dont you? also dont take much pressure, love. you'll do great, i know." he pressed a kiss on the top of your head.
"let me practice this for the last time and then we'll be done for the day. please sit still for real, this time?" you asked with a smile.
"deal," he said, as you got up from his lap. he winked, leaning back on the couch. "i'll be your perfect patient
until the next symptom strikes."
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[credit: @adornedwithlight (dividers)]
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dokries · 8 months ago
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you need some soup!
pairing: lee seokmin (dokyeom) x gender neutral reader
genre: fluff, established relationship
word count: 1.5k
warnings: sick ficℱ, mentions of medicine, food and you know
being sick (having a fever/being tired), a kiss on the cheek, minghao is a saviour pharmacist, seokmin is loud
author note: basically, i want a seokmin. this is so funny because i wrote this before i became kind of sick
did i predict the future again
anyway, i hope you enjoy my rambling turned fic ♡
masterlist
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seokmin wishes he got to know you earlier. he tells you this often actually, almost to the point where you’re tired of hearing it—you could never be sick of seokmin though; that would be near impossible. 
however, you can literally be sick, which is exactly what your warm forehead and cold hands are telling you. you would ask your boyfriend to bring you home some medicine but seokmin’s at rehearsals for his upcoming musical, and you don’t want to burden him—he had been stressing about his voice the other day, and you know how hard it is for him in general. you’re not planning to add onto his already heavy load, considering that you’re seokmin’s comfort movie, as he affectionately likes to call you. he always talks about how he could watch you all day, and—yeah, you need to get up for some medicine and stop dwelling on the love of your life, no matter how fun it may be. 
you check the bathroom cabinet despite knowing that what you're looking for isn’t there. you sigh before rubbing the heels of your hands in your eyes, mentally preparing yourself to make the much needed trip to the local pharmacy. 
after a painstaking walk that feels much longer than three minutes, you enter the cool air conditioned building. you wave at minghao, making your way to the front counter. 
“hey, minghao,” you say, taking shallow breaths to calm yourself after your short walk—yikes, something’s definitely wrong—and minghao notices.
he frowns at your demeanour, calling your name softly. “are you alright
? do you need me to call seokmin?” minghao asks hesitantly, already pulling out some medicine from underneath the desk to place in front of you.
“no!” he raises an eyebrow at your immediate refusal before you continue, looking down at the options he lays out for you to take. “i
you know how stressed he’s been with the opening show coming up, right? i don’t want to worry him more.” 
minghao sighs, moving his hand slowly to your forehead to check your temperature, so you don’t get startled. he pulls back after a second, adjusting his glasses and wincing. “you definitely have a fever, though it’s not too bad
yet. i would recommend taking this one.” he pushes one bottle closer to you than the others, concern in his eyes. 
“tell seok—” he corrects himself with an eye roll at your glare, “call our number if you need anything, okay? i can deliver it to you if needed. make sure to rest, okay?” he gives you a pointed look, ringing up the bottle for you after you nod, and lets you pay before handing you a paper bag with your purchase inside. you smile wearily at minghao, giving him a wave as you leave, making your way back home. 
once the medicine goes down your throat, you flop down onto the bed. you check your phone for any messages from your boyfriend, and can’t help but smile slightly at what he sent earlier.
seokmine đŸŒ» ❙
SWEETIE IM SO SORRY
the staff said i probably have to stay longer so i can get my clothes fitted again :((
i’ll try to get home as soon as i can though đŸ«Ą
see you soon my love ♡
you ❙
take your time minnie <3
i hope your rehearsals went well though! i’ll be waiting at home for a full recap >:D
you groan, your phone suddenly too much to look at. yeah, maybe you should do as minghao says—he does have a degree after all. you place your phone on the nightstand beside you before closing your eyes. 
seokmin’s panicking in the dressing room, his eyes more focused on the foreboding text from his pharmacist friend than the tailor trying to get his measurements. 
first of all, the fact that he has to be notified of your health from minghao offends him. do you not trust him to be there when you’re sick? he shakes that thought off, as well as the tailor that had (sadly) been assigned to him, who sighs. seokmin apologizes frantically to them, before letting out a breath. he hasn’t been able to police you about taking care of yourself recently because of how busy his schedule’s become but he didn’t expect you to get sick. what would you do without him? 
okay, seokmin knows you would do a lot without him but still. he wants to do everything he can for you, even if you can do it yourself. 
he texts you, his hands working as fast as they can, and frowns when you don’t respond right away like you usually do.  
seokmine đŸŒ» ❙
honey you alright??
hao texted me saying you’re sick â˜č
i’ll be home in a few i promise
honey?
seokmin’s tailor notices the worried expression on his face, and gestures for him to just leave; they could always take measurements some other day. as soon as they finish talking, seokmin’s face lights up and he bolts. he’s gone before his fellow cast members can wish him a good day, and he calls you as soon as he turns his car on. when you don’t pick up, he bites his lip and his leg shakes up and down quickly.
did you take the medicine minghao promised he gave you? are you not picking up because you’re asleep? are you collapsed on the bathroom floor, weeping about how if your minnie was there with you, you would be fine and actually able to walk to—okay, that was probably a bit much. however, seokmin can’t help but think of the worst possible scenario as he waits impatiently for the car in front of him to move so he can make that final turn into your neighbourhood. 
he unlocks the door as fast as he can, and as soon as he walks in, he finds it too quiet for his liking. he hurriedly takes off his shoes and throws his bag onto the couch in the living room before checking the bathroom to see if he was right in thinking you’re in there. seokmin lets out a breath when he doesn’t see you, thankful his overactive imagination isn’t reality.
he peers into the bedroom at first, and as soon as he sees your sleeping figure, he just about sobs, pulling the door open dramatically—he is a musical actor after all. “MY LOVE! I THOUGHT YOU FAINTED OR WERE CRYING OR—” your boyfriend yells, falling onto the bed and cutting himself off as he presses his face into your outstretched arm.
you rub your eyes sleepily with your other hand, slowly registering that it isn’t a dream, and your boyfriend really is grabbing onto you, about to sob. you cover your mouth and yawn before placing a kiss on his forehead with a smile. “i’m fine, minnie!” 
seokmin looks up at you with a pout as he checks your temperature with a peck on your cheek. you giggle at the gentle motion as he leans back to look at you once more, his voice whiny as he calls your name. “your face is so hot! you’re definitely not fine.” 
you roll your eyes before pushing him away softly, not wanting him to get sick too. seokmin glares at you jokingly before getting up with a sigh, realizing that he can’t risk getting sick, even if he wants to cuddle with you all day. 
his shoulders drop before he sighs again. dear god, someone would think he’s the one who’s got a fever. you push yourself up to a sitting position, and seokmin’s immediately by your side, fixing the pillows so you’re comfortable. you give him a look, and he backs away to the other side of the room. 
“since i can’t cuddle you like i want to, i’m going to make some soup! you look like you need some anyway.” seokmin smiles softy as he backs away toward the door, blowing you a kiss because he can’t actually give you one. 
you grin before blowing one back, and he smiles before frowning in frustration. “oh, i wanna kiss your sweet face so bad, this isn’t fair!” he groans as he walks back to the kitchen. all you do is giggle before grabbing your phone from where you kept it before.
you ❙
minghao i love you
thank you for sending min my way ♡
haohao đŸ€ž ❙
???
oh right
you’re welcome
tbh seokmin would’ve been really upset if i hadn’t
you ❙
HAHA yeah

minghao i’ll be a loyal customer until the very end !!
you are my one and only pharmacist for life !!
minghao for president đŸ«Ą
haohao đŸ€ž ❙

okay? thanks for the support i guess
you two are so in love with each other aren’t you
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hannieween · 1 year ago
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opening night | backstage series | l.sm
“Just play along,” he said softly, his lips curving into a playful smile as he leaned his head to kiss you deeply in front of everyone who, until that night, thought you were heartbroken for someone else.
â™ĄïžŽ pairing: lee seokmin x afab!reader â™ĄïžŽ genre: smut. 18+ mdni you'll get blocked â™ĄïžŽ word count: 9.3k â™ĄïžŽ aus: theatre performer!seokmin, fake dating with benefits
₊🎧: love me a little – shownu x hyungwon
₊ nsfw tags under the cut
â™ĄïžŽ a/n: i am only posting this for fun, but do let me know if you like it pls pls pls. thought of this idea while doing the dishes, quite literally.
â™ĄïžŽ warnings: swearing, alcohol use, minor mentions of drugs, pet names: baby, noodle (hers), smut with plot, soft dom seokmin, big dick seokmin, seokmin is kind of a simp, teasing, making out, sexual tension, unprotected sex, couch sex, creampie, hand kink, fingering (f), oral sex (f), reader is quite dramatic, might contain some minor spelling or grammar mistakes and for that i'm sorry.
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part 1
Nothing could compare to opening night jitters. There were some shows in which you didn't feel this nervous, small shows, small audiences or those times you had to act in front of other colleagues. It always made you jittery in some way. Tonight, the feeling of not being able to breathe was worse.
It was as if a bubble of air got trapped in your chest, and no matter how much you breathed in and out, nothing could get rid of it.
And not to mention the inescapable tunnel vision. It was something you suspected that it only happened to you, though. You could not focus on anything at all. Food? Not hungry. Thirsty? Maybe. But those were things that you could tend to once the first show is over.
"Shit. I think I forgot my lines," you blurt out with a shaky sigh.
The script was lying on the single chair propped in front of the vanity mirror. But the dressing room was so crowded with people getting ready that you just didn't see the chance of reading out some of it again.
"You know," someone started behind you, "for someone who has been doing this for years, you certainly can't control your pre-show emotions."
You didn't have to turn to know whose voice it was. "Sorry," you reply shortly. "I haven't done this in a short while."
"Well, put yourself together. We begin in five." Minghao told you. He was just finishing dressing the supporting cast, so he gave you a look.
"What?" you say, and look down at what you were wearing, thinking that somehow you had managed to ruin your dress that he carefully confected for your role.
Minghao grabbed you by the shoulders, a soft smile began to show on his lips and he said. "You're going to do alright. Just breathe, and show them what you're worth. It'll be over in two hours."
And with that, you released a long sigh. "Thank you."
"Anytime," he nodded, patting you on the head. "Is that Soonyoung's vest?" He said suddenly, snatching the vest from a chair and exiting your dressing room. "Soonyoung, come here you little rascal!"
It has been about five months since you stepped on a stage. So, there were a few things you need to get a hold on before the show begun. You used to have a pre-show ritual, which consisted in getting into character as much as possible.
However, things changed when you had to take a break after you and your ex called it quits. Now, you don't feel as connected to that ritual anymore. Besides, you haven't had a lead role in a play since your final year at uni.
It usually got really quiet backstage when the show was about to start. Everyone was aware that voices carry all the way to the audience, so movements were quiet, and noises kept at minimal. You closed your eyes for a moment before going to the stage and play your part.
Opening nights were always a challenge. Despite rigorous rehearsals, you were faced with doubt, often believing you could spot the smallest flaws and exaggerating them to fix them.
But this opening night was sort of different. You felt at ease. Exhilarated, even. Once the play was over and you finished bowing to the audience, you went back to the dressing rooms to get rid of your dress and make up.
You changed into something more comfortable. And as you were cleaning your face, you listened to the other girls in the dressing room gush about the people they saw at the seats. Apparently some more renowned actors had come to see the play, as well as some journalists.
That made you think that you didn't invite someone to come see you. You did your part to promote the play in social media, but nothing more.
However, you did see some familiar faces as you made your way out of the dressing room. Seokmin and Seungkwan were bantering loudly about something unbeknownst to you, their voices and laughter were so sounding that you were quick to locate them.
Seungkwan had Seokmin on a playful chokehold when they both saw you. Before you could ask, Seungkwan snapped his head at you. "We're settling a matter like men. Be there with you in a sec," at the same time that Seokmin blurted through his teeth: "Help."
"Ah, they're at it again," you turned to see Soonyoung who was throwing a backpack over his shoulder. "Seokmin has been teasing Kwannie a lot these days."
"What else is new?" you hummed.
You two watched for a brief moment, only to Soonyoung turn to you and chirp. "Anyway, want to leave these two behind and go buy some booze? 'S on me."
You watched his cheeks grow fuller as he pursed his lips. He had one thumb raised, pointing towards the exit.
"That sounds great," you say, grabbing him by the arm.
You turned to the exit, leaving your two other friends fight over yet another stupid thing.
The cold air of autumn hit your face as soon as Soonyoung pushed the door open.
"So," Soonyoung begun and suddenly you knew what was coming, "how you've been?"
The question was simple. But you knew what he meant.
"I've been doing okay, Hoshi," you replied shortly. "You don't need to worry about me."
He hummed. "You can talk to me anytime. You know that, right?"
You two arrived at the liquor store. It was friday night, so there was a couple of people buying alcohol for the night.
"You have done enough for me," you gave him a reassuring smile. "Letting me crash in your apartment for months until I found something for my own is something I will always be grateful for."
He sighed. "You don't have to do that. And you don't owe me anything, you dumbass."
"Do what?" you objected.
"You're avoiding it," he shrugged. "But hey, you don't wanna talk about it, fine. I'll wait."
You smiled and slapped the front of his cap down. "Come on, Soonyoung. Don't get all sappy on me. This is supposed to be a fun night."
He finally smirked, fixing his cap. "Right. Soju."
When Seungkwan and Seokmin finally got to the liquor store, they were sweaty and panting, they probably had to run to catch up with you and Soonyoung. But they were laughing about something as you reunited with them on the sidewalk outside the store.
"Hi there, noodle," Seokmin raised his hand and patted your head at the same time that his other hand reached for the six pack of beer you were holding to carry it himself.
You cringed at the name he used to call you. Which was born after a professor called you only by noodle arms in a dance class you four had to take at uni.
"Dk, it's been ages since you called me that," you whined, but as soon as he propped his arm around your shoulders you couldn't help but smile in his familiar warmth.
"Well, I've suddenly forgotten your name. You're Noodle now," he spoke in an old man's tone. But broke in a laugh as you poked his rib with your finger. "Sorry."
You walked in pairs towards the fancy apartment building down the street.
"Were you in the audience?" you asked.
"Yeah, obviously. Soonyoung wouldn't shut up about the play for weeks," he pressed his lips into a smile. "Besides, it's your first lead role in a while, I wouldn't have missed it."
"Did you like it?"
Seungkwan turned, and you understood he could listen on everything you and Seokmin were saying. "He fell asleep. Obviously," he sassed.
"I dozed off for two minutes!" Seokmin bellowed, but a wide smile formed on his face. "I did get to see your parts, though. And Soonyoung's."
"Thanks for coming, guys."
"No problem," Seokmin smiled briefly. "Hey, I heard that you moved out of Soonyoung's. Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped."
Just five months ago, your world turned upside down when you found out your ex had been cheating on you for weeks. To make matters worse, it was with that one girl he told you not to worry about.
You had to move out of the apartment you shared with your ex, leaving behind many things you couldn't take with you. That is when Soonyoung came to your rescue and offered his place for you to crash for a while.
"Well, I didn't need much help anyways. It was just a few boxes, really."
"I was still sad you didn't call though. You haven't even shared your new address," he pouted as he spoke, and you could tell he was joking. "It made me contemplate the whole meaning of our friendship, you know."
You snorted. "Not you too," you exclaimed. "First, Hoshi gets all corny with me and now you."
He showed a downturned smile. "You know I'm only playing with you. Soonyoung, however, thinks you're still a ticking time bomb."
You glanced at your friends, who were walking some steps ahead of you. Soonyoung was showing Seungkwan some TikToks he recorded for the company's official account, so you were out of their earshot.
"And you don't?" you asked.
He shrugged, looking at the floor as you made your way towards the tall building's lobby. "I think you're doing alright. Better than any of us would in your position. Honestly."
You let out a long sigh. "I just wish that people would stop asking me about it. I'm tired of it, the pity treatment, the tiptoeing around the subject."
"Well, you can't just expect us to not worry," he said softly.
"I know," you coincided.
You were still walking together, since Seokmin had his arm in your shoulders. Lately he did it often, and you didn't mind. You liked the the warmth with which he always treated you.
"I sometimes think that I was emotionally checked out from the relationship some time before I found out," you say, and felt that you could've dropped a bomb with that confession.
"So that's why you don't want to talk about it," he reasoned, his brow furrowed, deep in thought.
"I think so," you shrugged. "But I'm being honest when I say that I'm okay."
"And I believe you," he assented, pulling you closer for a brief moment and then dropped his arm from your shoulders. "I won't bring it up again."
The four of you entered the elevator that took you to the large apartment of the show's director, who was a young man you knew from your early days at uni. He had suddenly found his way through and had started to direct full plays in local theatres. His name was Yoon Jeonghan. And he hosted a party for every opening night.
It was your first time in that apartment. You knew the director in person, however, the three guys riding with you in the elevator knew him better, as they have had more roles than you these past few months.
You feel a slight tug to your side. "You know he's most likely going to be there, right?" Seungkwan said quietly, eyeing you with caution.
"I know," you mumbled. "'M going to be alright."
Now, why would you go to a place where you probably would encounter you cheating ex? Some part within you was deeply uninterested to see him again. And the other part was just enraged that he somehow mattered in your life still.
The opening night after party was almost like a tradition now, at least for most of the people who were close to Jeonghan.
The apartment was crowded, and you could tell it was set up to avoid bothering the neighbours. It had cushioned, soundproof walls, shaded windows, speakers kept at a reasonable volume, and many guests were congregating on the spacious terrace.
Jeonghan was a great host. He was kind of shy, but eager to meet everyone personally. He welcomed you with a warm smile, however he did hug the boys as they stepped into his large apartment.
You were quickly left to your own devices as your three friends were absorbed into the group of partygoers. Then you remembered how popular they have been since you met them.
The trio kind of took you in from that point forward because you were the one who organized university projects and stayed on top of schoolwork. But short after that, you found a close group of friends who were always there for you.
You decided that the only way you were going to get through the night was with some alcohol in your system. You weren't either an introvert or extrovert, you always thought you were in some middle point.
But your ex was there, sitting outside in the terrace with a girl beside him. You never knew the girl he cheated on you personally, but you knew it was her.
You snorted.
Suddenly, you felt a hand at your back. Seokmin looked at you, wariness in his eyes that dissipated quickly. "Want something to drink?"
"Yeah," you nodded.
"I feel like a bad influence," he simulated a shudder. "It's exciting."
You two downed your first glass of soju.
A few moments, the one glass of soju turned into the whole bottle. You drank while singing karaoke with strangers or with your friends. You drank while meeting new people and getting to know those who were part of your cast.
As you said, you were alright.
You just finished singing a song in the karaoke with Seokmin, who could hold his liquor a lot better than you. Both of you laughed at the way you couldn't keep up with the lyrics anymore and became a slurry mess.
"Never again," you say as the karaoke score marked a 10% on the screen.
"Remind me to never let you do this again," he agreed, teary eyed and red on the face from laughing with you.
The microphones were passed to other people, and soon after that, the party settled for just music.
Your chest still hurt from laughing.
"I'll go get some air," you announced a bit breathlessly as you made your way to the terrace.
Suddenly, Seokmin's hand made its way to your waist again and you glanced at him, his face had hardened.
And then you understood why.
As you were heading outside, your ex was leaving the terrace with his new girlfriend causing an awkward encounter. Your ex gave you a casual nod as if you were friends still, and his new girlfriend shot you a sly smirk as your arms brushed past each other.
"Hey, y/n," your ex goaded as they made their way inside the apartment.
You didn't reply.
Within this awkward exchange, you don't know how Seokmin's hand ended up intertwined with yours.
The air on the terrace smelled like a mixture of weed, vape and cigarettes. But it was cruelly cold enough to cool your body.
Seokmin mumbled something under his breath. And you noticed he was glancing at the back of your ex's neck with a scowl on his face.
You squeezed his hand, still not knowing how he grabbed you.
"How drunk are you?" he asked, his face was still serious.
"A bit. I think I'm beginning to sober up."
"Good," he breathed, pushing his bangs from his forehead and with them his furrowed brow. "Can you do something for me, noodle?"
You hit him in the shoulder. "Don't call me that," you smiled. "What do you want?"
"How about," he begun, not letting go of your hand, "I pretend to be your date for the night? Make the bastard realize he has no room in your life anymore."
"What," you blurt out and blinked feeling a bit perplexed at his offer. "You've finally lost it, Seokmin."
"I'm sorry. I know I said I wouldn't bring it up again. But I hate the way he thinks you still give a shit about him."
"I don't," you blinked.
"Then why would he go out of his way to even speak to you?" he countered.
"Seokmin, are you angry?" you gasped.
You could count on the fingers of your hand the number of times you'd seen Seokmin angry. And the other times it didn't matter because he was more the sulky type when something was bothering him. But at that moment, he was pissed off.
"A bit, yeah," he admitted with a sigh, but immediately flashed a sincere smile, almost as if his anger was a little embarrassing to him. He raised his brow. "But my offer still stands, though."
"D'you think it will work?" you mused.
"It might tell your ex a thing or two about leaving you alone. And as a plus, everyone else will also stop asking you about what happened between you and him." Seokmin added, almost casually.
You glanced towards the other end of the terrace briefly, and realized that Seungkwan was eyeing you too, a worried look on his eye as you caught him.
Licking his lips, he grabbed you by the shoulders. "What do you say?" He seemed relaxed, even focused; he tilted his head slightly as he looked into your eyes.
You held his gaze, listening to his words. Realizing that they were very much real and that Seokmin was dead serious about it.
Then, you realize how close you were to his body. His hands slid from your shoulders to your arms, where he traced soft lines with his fingers.
"Just for tonight," you murmured, but it came out sounding like a question.
"As long as you want," he offered. One hand found your chin, his fingers pressing softly on your hot skin.
You looked at his dark brown eyes. The relaxed look on his face was almost unsettling. As if he knew your answer already.
"Deal," you breathed.
His fingers angled your face towards him. "Just play along." He said softly, his lips curving into a playful smile as he leaned his head to kiss you deeply in front of everyone who, until that night, thought you were heartbroken for someone else.
Your hands found the back of his head, burying your fingers in his soft copper hair. You couldn't ignore that it had been a long while since your body felt so ablaze. Maybe it was the remaining alcohol on your system doing its part.
But even before you and your ex split, you felt kind of longing for the touch of someone. Something real. And although Seokmin was playing a role as he did on stage, kissing him felt different. It felt good.
As the kiss deepened, his tongue brushed your lower lip almost hungrily and you thought your knees might buckle under the shudder. A moan was quickly supressed in his mouth when his hand moved from your face to the back of your hair, his fingers tangling in a soft fist.
"I never imagined you'd be this good of a kisser," you confess.
Your chests were now pressed together, so you felt him chuckle. "Well, you know now," his demeanour had changed completely.
You wanted to look if anyone had seen you. But Seokmin was quick to read your intentions. He grabbed your chin again softly, forcing you to keep looking at him.
"Act normal," he ordered quietly with a look of endearment on his face, as if he were saying something sweet to you.
"I've never done this before," you sighed.
"I can tell," he smiled sweetly.
"Don't tell me you've done this before!"
He removed his hands from you, and made a gesture with his head, pointing towards the couch on the terrace. "Come with me."
You sat next to him, and as you did so, you saw Seungkwan's face, he was looking over at you both with an expression on his face that clearly read, 'what the fuck?' to you.
Seokmin scooted close to you on the couch, and placed one hand on you thigh and his other hand rested on his own thigh.
"I haven't done this before either," he confessed. "But you're an actress, and I'm an actor. We can act this out."
You snorted. "Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Lee Seokmin," you said drily.
Seokmin was smiling sweetly at you. Your shoulders were pressed together and your thighs were also so close that you might as well just sit on his lap. You fought against the thought.
"Then, act like you're my girl," he said idly, leaning down to place a kiss on your cheek.
An exhilarating feeling roused deep within you. You fixated on how comfortable his hand on your thigh looked, and the ease to which Seokmin took your face with his other hand and captured your lips with his.
Your hand met the one that was holding the side of your face.
"Afraid to put on a little show?" he coaxed.
A smirk crept on your lips, almost involuntarily you find yourself saying. "What do you want me to do?"
He blinked slowly, almost as if he was a little startled by your new demeanour. "Just relax." he put in softly. "And if you don't like something, tell me. Okay?"
You nod. "Okay."
His thumb caressed your jawline softly, before pressing his lips with yours. What started as a sweet kiss, slowly evolved to a enticing one. His mouth explored yours, biting softly at your lower lip, and his tongue lapping yours, testing what made you whimper or what made your hand clasp his.
You rested your forehead against his for a bit, catching your breath. "I hate that you are so good at this."
He laughed, taking one strand of hair and tucking it behind your ear. "Why is that?" he asked quietly.
"Dunno. I never thought of you as anything other than my friend."
His eyebrows shot up. "You never thought of me doing this?" he asked almost amazed.
"You did?" you quipped with half a smile.
Then you thought of doing something with your hands, since they were laying flat on your thighs. You pushed some strands of hair from Seokmin's forehead, and brushed the hair that you had messed up when you kissed.
His eyelids fluttered briefly. "I mean, I did wondered."
You pointed a finger to his face. "Don't lie, Seokmin."
He smiled sheepishly. "I just wondered what you'd be like. Honest."
"And?" you ask.
Seokmin shrugged. "You're not terrible."
The tingling sensation in the lower pit your stomach only intensified. Almost as if Seokmin had just challenged you. You laughed at his words, seeing his chapped lips smile at your reaction.
You locked your lips with his again, but this time more confidently, and your slipped your tongue to meet his. Your hands grabbed his face, and travelled to the sides of his neck, earning a small moan from him.
Feeling embarrassed, you broke away to breathe. If Seokmin noticed that you were getting all worked up, he said nothing about it. Yeah, you were both actors and have known each other for years, but you were human. And somehow Seokmin knew where to put his hands and how to kiss you perfectly.
You pulled out your phone from your pocket and opened your camera. Seokmin understood immediately and took your phone from your hands and angled it to capture you both for a few photos.
He took photos of you leaning your head on his shoulder, one in which you kiss him on his cheek and he smiles, and another one of him kissing the top of your head.
The photos would be kept in your album, as you didn't intend on actually posting them. Not yet anyway.
You tried not to think too hard about how crazy this all was. A part of you didn't feel awkward, as if the familiarity of his body near yours was meant to be this way anyway.
Testing your own boundaries, you turned to him, grabbing his chin to kiss him again, and you realized just how much you liked his lips on yours. But you didn't think it was anything else.
You nuzzled to his side softly. "D'you think that was enough of a show?" you mumbled to his ear, feeling embarrassed that you were so breathless from kissing.
You felt Seokmin smile again as if you had just spoken sweet nothings to his ear. "I think. Wanna get out of here?"
"Sounds good to me."
You stood up from the couch at the same time as Seokmin. He promptly grabbed your hand and interlocked your fingers in his. As you made your way out of there, you and Seokmin waved at your friends goodbye. Making a show that you were leaving hand in hand with Seokmin.
As soon as you stepped on the elevator, your phone buzzed in your pocket. Before you saw the screen, you knew what you were about to read.
[10:39 PM] boo: hello ??? [10:39 PM] boo: wtf are you doing? [10:40 PM] you: wdym? [10:40 PM] boo: with dk ?? [10:40 PM] boo: since when ?
"We have to come up with a story," you tell Seokmin, who was leaning his back against the wall of the elevator.
He was looking at his own phone. And you couldn't help but eye at his lithe fingers. You sighed, pushing your thoughts away.
"I agree," he said and showed you his screen. Messages from Seungkwan and Soonyoung were popping on the screen so urgently that you couldn't read any.
You buried your hands in your pockets along with your phone. "I think we did stir up some waters," you muttered.
Seokmin pressed his lips into a content smile. "Hopefully they stop nagging you with questions of your ex."
"They're going to ask questions about you now," you countered with a smile. "Though I rather talk about you than that jerk."
"That is the plan," Seokmin smirked.
"Why, though?" you find yourself asking.
Seokmin eyed you for a second. "At first it was because I really despise your ex," he confessed. "But I think I'm obligated to tell you that I really liked it. The attention."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"Promise?" you insist.
He came to a full stop on the sidewalk and you were force to stop too. Seokmin held out one pinky finger towards you wordlessly.
You breathed out with a smile. "This is not necessary." You say, linking your finger with his.
It wasn't just a pinky promise. It was something your group of friends took too seriously. You didn't lie to each other, and promising it with your pinkies could very well serve as an oath.
It was childish. But your friend group liked it that way.
Seokmin walked you to your apartment building, which also served as a way to show him where you lived now.
"Talk to you tomorrow," Seokmin said as he pull you into a bear hug and patted your head affectionately.
"Sure," you said.
He watched as you entered the building, and waved at you goodbye before disappearing behind the elevator doors.
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Someone peeked over your shoulder to look at your phone screen to the point where you can feel their breath on your neck.
That someone was Boo Seungkwan.
You've been typing nonstop for five minutes, your fingernails snapping at the screen in a frenzy.
"Stop snooping," you tried to tell him while typing.
The coffee shop where you both work part-time has been quiet, as it's almost 9 p.m. and you're both about to clock out. There have only been a couple of passing customers during the last hour of your shift, so your attention has been diverted elsewhere.
You hear a sigh and then, "So you're not going to tell me what happened yesterday?"
"'Bout what?" you said absentmindedly.
"About what happened with Seokmin," he answered pointedly.
"What about it? We just kissed."
You heard him scoff. "You two did not just kissed, you made out on a dirty couch. And then you both disappeared for the rest of the night. Yeah, you're not fucking fooling me."
You didn't find it strange to hear him curse. He's been your friend for years, ever since you met at university. But he's lately been expressing his annoyance with you for your decisions, so you hear him cursing a lot more lately.
That is what pulled your gaze from the phone screen. "Don't put it like that. The couch was decent."
He rolled his eyes, and cursed some more. "Now, you're trying to be coy. The couch doesn't matter. What matters is that you kissed with your friend, our friend!"
"And? We're two consenting adults," you shrugged while trying to keep a straight face. But you couldn't help feeling a little embarrassed.
"Are you guys a thing then?"
You stared at him, racking your brain to come up with an answer.
A customer entered the shop at the same time you opened your mouth to tell Seungkwan everything that happened last night. Somehow, you didn't see far up ahead your actions and didn't think Seungkwan would react like this. So you feel secretly grateful that the customer drove you away from that conversation.
"Listen," Seungkwan said as soon as you two finished closing up. "I really don't care what you two are, I just hate it when you keep me in the dark on important stuff like this. Before last night, I though you were still broken over Youngho."
You two usually walked home together whenever you had to close the shop. Seungkwan lived a couple of blocks away from you so you kept each other company.
You contemplated sharing with him that what happened with Seokmin was improvised on the spot. That you were just as surprised with the turn of events as he was. But, telling him would just trump the deal you had struck with Seokmin.
And you were a bit too greedy to let that happen.
"I'm sorry, Seungkwan. I know it was shitty of me to not mention anything," you found yourself saying with a small shrug.
"That and playing dumb," he said, shooting a resentful glance at you.
"Yeah, and playing dumb or whatever," you said, rolling your eyes but couldn't help but smile. "How can I make it up to you?"
"Can you cover me on monday morning?" he answered a bit too quickly.
You snorted. "Sure. But only if you promise to stop berating me."
"I am not berating you."
You continued walking to the apartment complex in silence. For a short bit, though. You knew what was coming.
"So you two are a thing or not?"
"Sorta," you shrugged again.
"Sorta," he parroted.
You stopped at the door of the building where you live.
The weather was cold, to the point that Seungkwan's breath could be seen as he sighed with a weak smile.
"Well, just don't fuck this up, okay?" he said, raising his eyebrows. "I know that you are a big girl and can take care of yourself but, just don't do something stupid just because you can't move on."
"I got it, Kwannie," you tried to brush off with a hand gesture. "I promise not to fuck it up, okay?"
"See you tomorrow." He turned around and walked towards two buildings down the street, where he lived with his roommate Vernon.
"See ya!"
In the elevator, you scrambled for your keys, which were in the pocket of your jacket. You tried to play it cool with Seungkwan, however couldn't help but feel anxiety pulsating on your stomach as the elevator doors opened with a ding noise.
Seokmin lifted his head to the sound, he was leaning back next to your apartment door, phone in his hand. "Hi there," he said with a soft smile that reached his eyes.
"Hi. Have you been waiting long?"
He stood up straight and pocketed his phone as you walked to the door and opened it. You glanced sideways at him, he was wearing the oversized hoodie from last night, but instead of jeans he was now wearing grey sweat shorts.
"Nope. Just ten minutes."
"I couldn't shake off Seungkwan's prying," you informed, as you both entered your apartment.
You closed the door behind you two, removing your boots at the entrance. Seokmin followed suit and removed his Nike's, carefully placing them next to your boots.
"I imagined as much," he hummed. He still had a content smile on his face.
You two held each others gaze for a moment. Only to realize that you hadn't even turned on the lights, or fully invited him to your apartment.
"Make yourself at home," you chimed, turning on the lights of the living space. It was empty except for the lone large sofa, a TV screen perilously propped up on a plastic table, and a pile of boxes from when you moved out of your ex's apartment.
Seokmin smirked.
"I haven't had the chance to unpack yet... or buy more furniture," you murmured briefly.
He noticed the pillow and the pile of blankets that were tossed in the couch. "I assume that you don't have a bed yet, either."
"I just have the bed frame," you reply as you remove the pillow out of the way and fold the blankets in half. "It's still packaged, though."
"Hey, don't think I'm judging you," he raised the palms of his hands innocently. "I use to sleep on the floor at a friend's place when I got to this city, remember?"
Seokmin was a great friend. If you could describe him succinctly, it would be that. A great friend. You knew he wasn't judging you, since the curiosity in his smiling eyes didn't fade as he sat on the couch and eyed the piles of boxes that were labelled with your name in your ex's handwriting.
You also knew that Seokmin sleeping on the floor when he moved to the city to study was not the same as being kicked out of you and your ex's apartment after he cheated on you. But you were glad that his mind didn't go there, evidently.
"Can I offer you anything?" you sighed heavily. "I may not have furniture yet, but my fridge is full and the rent is paid."
"Well, that is what matters as far as I'm aware. I'm fine, thank you," he pressed his lips. He then scooped to the side and patted next to him on the couch.
Right.
"So..." you breathed, sitting down next to him. "You wanted to talk."
You were now sitting next to each other. Being so close to him sparked something deep within you, something that last night made you feel alive.
Then, you knew that you were in trouble. It was alarming the fact that you couldn't take your eyes off of him. You were aware of every gesture, every movement Seokmin made. You gulped.
Seokmin sat with his knees spread slightly apart, his hands resting comfortably between his thighs. "About last night," he begun.
"I, uh-"
"If we're going to do this, we need some ground rules," he declared.
"Wait. Seriously?" you blurted out.
"Wha- what did you think I was going to say?" He looked up to catch your gaze.
"I thought you were going to back out."
"Oh, you want to call it off?" Seokmin retorted, his eyes searching your face.
"No. Not really. Last night was..."
His eyes lit up along with a playful smile. "Fun?"
"Yeah, exactly," you matched his smile. "Well, I don't enjoy lying to Seungkwan, but at least I didn't get the pity treatment, for once."
"Wait. What did you say to him?"
"That we are sort of a thing," you mumbled.
His eyebrows pushed up. "And he believed that?" Seokmin laughed, brushing his hair hastily with his lithe fingers.
"He seemed to," you shrugged. "He stopped questioning me after that."
"Well, that is what you wanted, isn't it?" he shifted beside you, so that he was facing your body. Then he took that same hand to fix his watch on his other wrist.
You mirrored his movements, and now the two of you sat facing each other on the couch. You leaned your head on your hand, with your elbow resting on the couch's headrest.
"So what happens next?" you asked.
Seokmin shrugged slightly, a relaxed look on his face. "Whatever you want, I told you."
You bit your lip for a second, aware of the fact that Seokmin was gazing at your mouth and your eyes, silently waiting for your response.
"I'm still thinking of last night," you confessed, the act of being that blunt made your cheeks heat up.
"Me too. I couldn't think of anything else," he smirked. Your eyes lingered a bit on his lips too.
He toyed a bit with the sleeves of his black hoodie, and pulled them up to his elbows, then crossed his arms across his chest. You swallowed at the sight of how veiny his forearms looked.
"D'you think that we could talk about the ground rules later?" you asked sheepishly.
Seokmin couldn't help but notice the way you inclined towards him slightly. And you couldn't help but notice him swallow hard. "What do you want to do?"
"I really want you to kiss me again," you mumbled, feeling something rouse within you.
His eyes twinkled with excitement. "Oh, yeah?" he hummed.
He seemed as if he were waiting for you to say something inviting, you noticed the moment he smiled when you nodded a bit too eagerly with your head.
He lifted his hands to grab you by the sides of your head. "C'mere," he whispered, his lips quickly finding yours in a soft kiss.
You felt his breath on your neck as he pulled away slightly. "Again?" you sighed.
His mouth was smiling as his lips found yours again, and as the soft kisses turned more demanding, you couldn't ignore how your body responded.
This felt different from the make out session of the night prior. It was entirely carnal, at least, Seokmin kissed you with more eagerness, unafraid of being seen and judged. You heard his breath catch in a gasp and his lips smack. You both were not acting.
You broke away from him, all thoughts in your head quieted down when in a sudden movement, you moved in the couch to sit on his lap, straddling him. Seokmin said nothing either, and you silently thanked him, as his hands returned to the sides of your face to kiss you deeply.
The sizzling feeling at the lower pit of your stomach, the warmth all over your skin when one of his hands slipped from your face to the back of your head and fisted your hair softly, sending chills down your spine and making you moan in response.
"Yeah, I thought you liked that last night," Seokmin mumbled gruffly.
"Shut up," you smiled.
"Make me," he whispered back.
You leaned in to kiss him again, a rush of adrenaline filled you as his hands that were on the sides of your head moved to your back to press your body against his. Fingertips trailed softly on the sides of his neck, you felt him shudder as you made your way to his collarbones where you shyly touched his skin like never before.
Seokmin left a trail of kisses from your lips, to your jaw and ended on your neck. You gasped when he found a sweet spot effortlessly, and made something flutter in your stomach. Hearing your reaction, Seokmin sucked on the spot gently, eliciting a moan from you.
It had been a while since you felt like this. Even with your ex, you felt that the last few times you were together like this were more of a obligatory act from both of you.
So, being close to Seokmin like this was like unearthing feelings that your body had long forgotten. And it was really hard to control.
You let your hips sit fully on his lap and started grinding on him suggestively. Seokmin groaned in your mouth and broke away.
"What are you doing?" he asked, his voice sounded raspy.
"Oh, fuck—sorry. You don't like that?" you whimpered and made a gesture to move out of his lap.
But Seokmin grabbed you tightly to his body effortlessly, since his hands were still on your back. "No, it's not that," he put in briefly.
You stared at him, puzzled. "What is it then?"
"What do you want?" he countered.
He watched you swallow hard. "I want you," you muttered, hoping that the emphasis you put in the word was enough for him.
A few strands of hair had stuck to your wet lips, and Seokmin pulled them away with gentle fingers as he asked: "How do you want me?"
You couldn't help but smile. "Don't tease me like that."
Seokmin just shrugged calmly, but his eyes were burning with lust. "I won't do anything unless you tell me."
You planted a soft kiss on his jaw, then one on his lower lip. "I want you to fuck me, Seokmin," you whispered into his lips.
He reciprocated the slow, wet kiss. And groaned again when you grinded your hips one more time. "I didn't bring any condoms," he mumbled.
"Really?" your voice sounded obnoxiously high.
"I just came here to talk," Seokmin laughed. "It never crossed my mind that we'd fuck."
"Really?"
"Really. I didn't think you'd be this needy," he started laughing when you landed a playful smack to one of his shoulders.
You rolled your eyes at him. "I'm on the pill."
His hand grabbed your chin and he pulled away to look at you in the eyes. "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
You both understood what this meant for your friendship. Seokmin didn't seem concerned at all about you being on his lap, or that you were practically begging him to fuck you right there and then. He seemed willing, but like the good gentleman he was, he needed you to say what you wanted.
You nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure."
Seokmin's lips parted briefly as he scanned your face with his eyes one last time. "Fuck," he groaned, and pulled you to his mouth again.
Your lips latched onto his, hungrily, teeth grazing, tongues clashing. You could feel the wetness from his saliva beneath your mouth as the kiss turned sloppy and more fervent.
His hands casually made their way from your back to your hips, where they rested comfortably before giving you a gentle squeeze.
"Take these off," he murmured in your lips, his fingers pinched at the fabric of your jeans.
You stood from his lap to take your jeans off, aware that Seokmin had his eyes on you. He rest his head on the back of the sofa, his hungry eyes watched your body up and down. His hand grabbed yours and tugged you his way to gesture you to straddle him again.
Your lips explore his neck, licking the spot below his ear, and he breathed out a moan. His fingertips dug slightly on your hips, and then he cupped your ass when you left wet kisses and sucked in the spot again.
Seokmin pressed your body back and forth, rubbing your clothed pussy against his hard cock. You moaned and hid your face in the crook of his neck and grinded some more on him.
"Let me see you," he muttered in your ear.
Your lips searched his tentatively, kissing him with haste as his hands moved from your backside to underneath your top. You broke the kiss again, and let him remove your shirt entirely.
Seokmin revelled at the sight of your half naked body, his fingers trailing softly from your collarbone, to your sternum, all the way to your bellybutton.
"Pretty," he mumbled when his fingers tugged at the band of your pink panties.
He looked at you, as if asking for permission. But he quietly trailed his fingers to your clothed core, and there he found that your panties were already soaked. You could feel yourself grow more aroused at the mere act of him feeling you without breaking eye contact.
You shuddered a sigh when he pushed the soaked fabric aside and had to bite your lip from moaning loudly when his fingers found your wet core.
Seokmin sighed. "You're so fucking wet," he smiled softly.
"God, Seokmin–," you breathed and your eyes fluttered close when he slowly moved one of his fingers inside you. And then, he pushed another finger in.
He bent his head and planted a kiss on your shoulder. "Ride my hand, baby," he said hoarsely.
A shiver went down your spine at hearing what Seokmin called you. You started moving on his hand almost immediately grinding on his fingers the same way you had done on his lap.
Your forehead found his, a tingling sensation travelled your body when you his breath caressed your face. "Seokmin."
His lips were formed into a smile when he pressed his lips on yours in a chaste kiss. "Mmyeah, that's my name, baby."
His other hand unclasped your bra expertly, and you helped him with the straps and threw it somewhere on the floor. You felt his breath on your skin and your nipples grow hard.
It was almost embarrassing to you to hear the squelching sounds you were making against the hand between your legs. But you could barely pay some thoughts to it, all you could think of was the way he moved his hands on your body. And that you wanted more.
He rubbed his thumb around your nipples, and you watch him do it, watched the hand buried in your pussy as you grinded on him, close to your release. Then, his hand rested on your neck for a bit and you shuddered when his thumb caressed your skin and curved around your throat.
"You like them?" he asked peering at your face. "My hands? I've seen the way you look at them."
"Yeah," you breathed. "I wondered what they would look like on me."
"Oh, yeah?" he smiled. Then pulled out his fingers from your core, just about when you were about to cum. You blinked at him, confused.
"Lie down," he muttered, pointing to the sofa. You did as he said, and moved your back to the sofa, your knees pulled up.
"I knew you'd be bossy," you confessed, feeling hot on your face.
Seokmin's eyebrows raised a bit. "Been thinking about me a lot, huh?" he asked, cocking his head to the side. And then his hands reached up to the collar of his hoodie, he threw it over his body in one swift motion and tossed it aside.
His bare chest was the first thing you saw, it was wide and lean. You also got a good look at his strong thighs when he undid his shorts, and step out of them.
A shiver shot up inside you when you saw the outline of his hard cock pressing against the tight fabric of his black underwear.
His toned arms as they came to the sides of your head to lean and kiss you fervently. "Stop looking at me like that," he groaned softly in your mouth.
He placed his knees on the sofa and patted you on one of your knees gently. "Spread your legs for me," he placed himself in between your legs as soon as you did what he ordered.
Seokmin left a trail of open mouthed kisses from your neck, to your collarbones as he palmed and squeezed your breasts with his hands. Your fingers tangled in his soft hair and moaned his name again when he sucked one of your nipples gently as his fingers pinched the other one.
He stood on his knees, hooking his fingers on your panties and dragged them along your legs, and dropped them to the side of the sofa.
Seokmin held your legs with his hands, as he placed kisses on the inner side of your thighs, sucking and licking softly on your skin. He gave you a glance one time before lowering his mouth to your core.
A whine reverberated on your chest quite loudly as your back arched almost involuntarily. Feeling his tongue lapping on your core, licking almost hungrily but patiently too, as if he wanted to take his time pleasuring you.
Seokmin revelled in your taste, in the sounds you made. He groaned when your fingers tugged at his soft hair again, he groaned when you whimpered his name as you neared your orgasm.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," you muttered with eyes shut. Just as when you thought you couldn't feel any closer, Seokmin slid his two fingers inside you, pumping in and out. Your hips rutted desperately against his face and he was quick to hold them down with his free hand.
"Be still," he said softly, before dipping his head down on you again.
"Sorry," you replied breathlessly.
He hummed in response, and you could tell that he was amused at the desperate mess he made of you. But all you could think of was his mouth on your clit, as he had quickly found out how you liked to be stimulated, eliciting moans and half pleas.
You heard him moan with you when you reached your climax, as if he enjoyed the noises that you made, along with his name. Seokmin pulled his fingers out and placed sweet kisses on your clit.
You watched him lick his lips and fingers clean, and you could see that the tip of his nose was slightly wet with your arousal, making you grin at the sight of it. You cleaned it with your fingers as you brought his mouth to yours to kiss him fiercely.
"You taste so good," he muttered lazily on your lips and you could taste yourself in them.
You started tugging at the band of his underwear, pulling it down as best as the position of your bodies let you. Seokmin sighed, and you noticed that he was smiling.
"Be patient," he groaned, his demeanour seemed elated still. But he stood up from the sofa, and quickly got rid of his underwear, revealing his large cock.
You gulped almost involuntarily. "You have a pretty cock," you mumbled once he was between your legs again.
That took him off guard. He gave you a breathy chuckle. "Well, that's a first," he confessed.
Yeah, you were quite sure he didn't get the word 'pretty' as often as 'big'.
He gave you a small peck on your lips, pulling you out of your trance. "You're ready?" he asked.
You winced in anticipation the moment you felt his cockhead align with your entrance. Your fingers cradled his face as he watched you nod.
"I need to hear you, baby," he crooned, placing another sweet kiss on your lip.
"I'm ready."
He held one of your legs angled for him as he eased himself inside you painfully slow. You grabbed at his shoulders, letting your fingertips dig at his skin.
"F-fuck," you whispered, releasing the air that caught between your teeth and Seokmin sighed deeply too as he stretched your pussy slowly.
It had been a while since you last had sex, so the feeling of having someone, let alone someone as big as Seokmin took a bit more from you than expected.
"Good girl," he muttered through gritted teeth when your hips met fully. You felt your walls flutter a bit around his cock, easing from the sting at having him stretch you open.
His eyes searched your face briefly, but wasted no time and started moving slowly and with shallow thrusts until you both adjusted to each other's bodies. Then he effortlessly picked up his pace and his thrusts started coming and going deeply inside you.
He kissed your moans with wet lips and released your leg from his grip. "Wrap your legs around me," you did as he said, also wrapping your arms around his neck as he kissed your lips again.
His hands buried in your hair, closing in a tight first and his forehead leaned on yours. "You feel so fucking good, baby," he gritted his teeth. His hips buckled once before taking a faster and harder pace on you.
"Fuck! Right there," you moaned on his mouth. And gripped him tighter with you hands.
The grip on your hair tightened and he turned your head to the side slightly to make way for his lips on your neck where he had found a sweet spot.
When you opened your eyes, you found yourself on the reflection of the tv screen. You hadn't noticed it before when you were so busy staring at Seokmin, but now, you could see your face wild with lust, and your body entangled with Seokmin's; as his hips rammed against yours.
You almost fell in love at the image of him fucking you, passionately, hard and fast. Just seeing your bodies melted like this made your body quiver almost sending you to the edge.
He lifted his head and found you staring at both your reflections, he smiled at you and cooed. "Look at you, so flustered and pretty."
His thrusts quickened, but they didn't relent on their depth. And it was exactly what you needed. Your hands travelled down his back and dug your nails in his ass, earning a throaty moan from the man above you.
You were panting, feeling all sanity lip out your mind and you could hear yourself call his name in whispers, but couldn't make out another word.
Soft, wet kisses trailed down your neck to your mouth as the lewd noises you made filled the room.
"Are you going to cum again, baby?"
"'m so close," you whimpered. You closed your eyes, savouring the feeling as you reached your second orgasm.
"Look at me, baby," you heard him whisper and opened your eyes to find his.
"God. Seokmin. Don't stop, please," you cried as your body trembled with hot waves of pleasure.
A long moan escaped your mouth but was quickly supressed by a wet kiss. "I know baby," he whispered as you came on his cock, whimpering and twitching uncontrollably under his body.
Then he sat back down on his knees, grabbing you by your hips with a tight grip, and the change in position made you moan lazily. You didn't think you could keep going, but the sight of Seokmin's face riddled with pleasure made want to chase after a third orgasm.
Seokmin threw his head back before letting out a deep moan with his eyelids shut, his lips parted and twitching slightly once. You could feel your body tremble again at the thought of his cum inside you, and moaned at the same time he did, his thrusts on you not relenting until your cream started dripping at the base of his cock, mixing with his cum.
As his hips came to a stop on top of you, he glanced down to where your bodies remained connected and sighed in pleasure at the sight.
You also could feel yourself get lost at the sight of him for a bit. His heavy breathing made his chest and shoulders move up and down in a languid manner, a light layer of sweat covered his neck and collarbones.
He moved to rest his head on your chest for a moment, without saying a word. You knew he could hear your heartbeat, as you could feel his own heart stuttering against your body.
His forehead also glistened with seat, his hot breath caressed your breasts and even though you could see his relaxed features, you noticed that he was lost in thought.
You pushed his wet bangs from his face, drawing his attention to you. "We're still friends, right?" you asked jokingly.
His lips rose in a lazy smile and nodded. "Still friends."
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â™ĄïžŽ Final notes: I haven't posted fanfic for years sooo... well, if you liked it please show it some love, a reblog or leave a comment, i'm all eyes. click here for part 2 ( · ❛ ֊ ❛)
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daisymbin · 2 months ago
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hiiii (àč‘ > ᮗ < àč‘)°ᥣ𐭩 . ° . !! could i request fluff prompt number 10: do you ever think about us as like... more than friends? - with dk saying it? (˶˃ ᔕ ˂˶) .ᐟ.ᐟ with female/afab reader?
hi cutie!!!!! yes you can!! grrrr why do I have cuteness aggression from an ask!!!! đŸ˜€đŸ˜č thank you for requesting!! đŸ«¶
request your own: full prompt list!
check out my masterlist! // seokmin's m.list
fluff prompt #10: "do you ever think about us like... as more than friends?"
seokmin couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing under the table. he knew it was probably annoying you, but he couldn’t help it. his nerves were buzzing, the words he’d been rehearsing for weeks sitting heavy on his tongue.
you were sitting across from him, laughing softly as you scrolled through your phone, oblivious to the internal war he was waging.
you looked so relaxed, so you, and it made him feel like an idiot for being so worked up.
“seokmin,” you said, glancing up from your phone, “are you okay? you’re, like, vibrating.”
he froze, his foot halting mid-bounce. “yeah! yeah, i’m good,” he said, a little too loudly.
you tilted your head, unconvinced. “you sure? you’re acting kind of weird.”
he wanted to laugh. weird didn’t even begin to cover it.
“i’m fine,” he lied, fiddling with the edge of his napkin.
you narrowed your eyes but didn’t push it, instead taking a sip of your drink and glancing out the cafĂ© window.
this was his chance.
“do you ever think about us?” he blurted out, the words tumbling from his mouth before he could second-guess himself.
you turned back to him, eyebrows furrowing. “what do you mean?”
he swallowed hard, feeling his cheeks heat up. “like
 as more than friends?”
the words hung in the air between you, and seokmin felt like the whole world had gone silent, waiting for your response.
your eyes widened, and you blinked at him like you weren’t sure you’d heard him right. “more than friends?” you repeated, your voice soft.
he nodded, his throat suddenly dry. “yeah. like
 do you ever think about it?”
you stared at him for what felt like an eternity, and seokmin resisted the urge to crawl under the table and hide.
“i
” you started, then trailed off, biting your lip. “i don’t know. i guess i’ve thought about it before.”
his heart skipped a beat. “you have?”
you nodded slowly, looking down at your hands. “yeah. i mean, we’re close, and sometimes it just
 crosses my mind, you know?”
seokmin felt like his chest might burst. he hadn’t expected you to admit it, hadn’t dared to hope that you might feel the same way he did.
“what do you think about?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
you glanced up at him, your cheeks tinged with pink. “i don’t know. like, what it would be like if we
 were together. if things were different.”
“different how?”
you hesitated, and he could see the conflict in your eyes, the way you were weighing your words carefully.
“just
 if we weren’t just friends,” you said finally. “if we were more than that.”
seokmin leaned forward, his hands resting on the table. “and?”
“and what?”
“what do you think it would be like?”
you looked at him, your eyes searching his face like you were trying to figure out what he was thinking.
ïżœïżœi think
” you started, then stopped, shaking your head. “i don’t know, seokmin. it’s complicated.”
“it doesn’t have to be,” he said softly, his heart pounding in his chest.
you looked at him, and he could see the doubt and fear in your eyes.
“what if it doesn’t work?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
“what if it does?” he countered, his voice steady.
you didn’t say anything, and seokmin felt the need to fill the silence, to lay everything out on the table.
“i’ve thought about it too,” he admitted, his voice trembling slightly. “a lot, actually. and every time i think about it, it feels
 right. like it’s supposed to be this way.”
you looked down, your fingers fidgeting with the edge of your sleeve.
“you mean that?” you asked softly, your voice barely audible over the hum of the cafĂ©.
“every word,” he said, his eyes never leaving your face. “you mean so much to me, and i don’t want to mess this up, but i also don’t want to keep pretending i don’t feel this way about you.”
you looked up at him, your eyes shining with something he couldn’t quite place.
“i don’t want to mess this up either,” you said, your voice trembling slightly.
“then let’s not,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. “let’s take it slow. figure it out together.”
you stared at him for a moment, then nodded, a hesitant smile spreading across your face.
“okay,” you said softly.
seokmin felt like he could finally breathe again, the weight on his chest lifting.
“okay,” he repeated, his smile widening.
you laughed softly, shaking your head. "you’re ridiculous,"
“you like me anyway,” he teased, his grin turning playful.
“maybe,” you said, your tone teasing, but the look in your eyes told him everything he needed to know.
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miniseokminnies · 2 months ago
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home sweet home—-l.sm
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☆ pairing: lee seokmin x fem!reader ☆ genre: pwp, roommates to something ☆ wc: ~0.6k ☆ warnings: 18+ MDNI, mutual masturbation, praise kink if you squint, bossy!reader, bossy!seokmin, lowkey kinda pervy reader but not really lol, not proof read ☆ a/n: heyo, got some bigger projects in the works but i thought too hard about seokmin's hands and had to jsut get this out of my head
“I’m home!” you called as you entered your shared apartment, “make sure you’re decent!” you added shutting the door behind you. It was mostly a joke, your roommate, Seokmin, knew your schedule and has never given you any reason to believe he wouldn’t be. 
However, moving through your apartment, he was strangely absent. Moving toward your room, you saw that his door was closed and then you heard it. Muffled noises coming from inside his room. 
Against your better judgment you stopped to listen closer, and there was no mistaking it. Seokmin was moaning. Heat rose to your cheeks and want pooled in your belly. You knew moving in with your friend turned crush would come to bite you some day, but you didn’t expect it so soon. 
You stood there dumbfounded outside his door for longer than you should have. You know you should turn around and go to your room, but he sounded so pretty. Finally when you couldn’t take it anymore, you turned towards your room, ready to go take care of yourself, but again you were stopped in your tracks. 
“Y/N” you heard Seokmin’s pretty voice ring out. Okay so your crush is moaning your name, you have got to see what that’s about, and quick because the wetness pooling in your underwear is starting to be hard to ignore. 
You crack the door open and blink a few times, adjusting to the low lighting in the room. Seokmin is sprawled out on the bed, eyes screwed shut and his mouth slack. Your eyes raked down his body, eyes fixating on his cock fucking up into his beautiful delicate fingers. 
His fingers long and lithe had a tendency to make everything he touched look beautiful and his perfect cock was no exception. At risk of being seen as a total freak you broke the silence, 
“Seokmin?” you called softly. His eyes shot open and fell on you, his thrusts slowed but not stopped. 
“O-oh my god, Y/N” he started, “I didn’t know what time it was, I’m so sorry,” 
“I just
” you moved toward him, “I heard you call my name?” you blinked, feigning innocence. “Did you need my help?” you moved to take off your shirt. Once it was over your head you looked to see him nodding at you, his thrusts picking up their pace again. 
You kicked off your pants and underwear and climbed up on the bed facing him. He sat up with his back up against the headboard, making room for you. 
Getting situated you slowly spread your legs, baring yourself for him to see. He moaned in response. Slowly your hand trailed down your body until you reached your own swollen clit. He watched, mesmerized, and unconsciously picked up his pace. You circled your nub with the pads of your fingers, quickly being able to match pace with him. You felt his eyes on you but you didn’t care, you were already hurtling towards bliss with Seokmin watching you. 
You moved toward your entrance and slowly inserted three of your fingers. You let out a shaky moan. 
“Y/N just like that, show me” Seokmin begged. You rocked yourself on your fingers chasing your high. The coil in your stomach was so tight that you could scream. 
Seokmin watched you and thrusted wildly into his beautiful hand. 
“Fuck yourself into cumming” you told him, “Look at me and cum” 
“Oh my god” he whined. He did as you asked, he watched your fingers disappear inside your dripping cunt and he released with a moan of your name. You tumbled over the edge not long after.
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kyeomszone · 3 months ago
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pov ○ lee dokyeom
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tags. voyeurism (?). mirror sex. oral (f receiving, m receiving). fingering. size kink. belly bulge. penetrative sex (vaginal). darcyphillia. overstimulation. afab reader. orgasm denial. dom/sub undertones.
synopsis. you get filthy with a mirror basically
masterlist.
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You tick an eyebrow as you step into the room and note the newest addition. An amused smile curls on your lips as you look at Seokmin through the reflective surface. It isn’t lost on you, the way the placement of the mirror made it so that the bed was completely visible through it.
A tingle runs up your spine as you recall the conversation a few weeks ago.
“So?” Seokmin mumbles, his chest pressed to your back, his fingers digging into your hips as his mouth works along the hinge of your jaw and neck, nipping and licking and leaving behind splotches of red that’ll bloom into shades of purples and blue by the morning.
“So.” You repeat, head tilting up and to the left, eyes focused on the reflection of Seokmin in the mirror, his teeth and tongue moving across the expanse of your neck.
His fingers trail up from your hip, working at the buttons of your shirt to give himself access to more of your skin, “Thoughts?”
“Just about what you’ll do,” You tell him, biting your lip to hold back a whimper when his teeth sink into your shoulders. “About what your plan is.”
“Nothing much,” Seokmin pulls away from your shoulder as he stares ahead, looking you in the eye through the mirror, “Just want you to see what it looks like when I ruin you.”
Your breath hitches at the tone of his voice, something dark and heavy, a juxtaposition to his usual soft and sweet voice and you want to burrow yourself in it. There is a dull throb between your legs as you swallow the lump in your throat.
“Want anything specific, love?” Seokmin’s voice is softer now, his breath warm against your ear.
“Do whatever you want,” You say, feeling his smile against your skin, “I’ll let you know if it gets too much.”
“Don’t look away from the mirror,” Seokmin’s voice is stern when he says this, the syllables sharp and you know that if you were to disobey, it would not be kind for you and so you nod, eyes focused on his form in the mirror.
“Good girl,” Seokmin presses a kiss against your cheek as his hands move to take your shirt off of you completely, and unhooks your bra before moving to your pants, the fabric pooling at your feet. You bite back a moan at the praise, the throb between your legs increasing as heat pools in your stomach when you catch yourself in the mirror━ only in your panties, chest heaving and eyes wide.
“Such a pretty little slut,” Seokmin mumbles against your skin, one of his hands on your tits, playing with the numb while the other digs into your hip, painful to the degree where it shoots pleasure up your spine. “Keep looking at yourself, sweetheart..”
He continues leaving kisses against you, the hand on your hip lowering until he slips a finger into your wet hole, fucking into you before slipping another one in, moving them and scissoring them, completely ignoring your aching clit.
“Seok━” You pant out, leaning your weight completely against him, your legs are shaky, unable to hold your weight and it feels as if you would crumple to the floor if not for his hold on you. “Seok, please need more.”
You watch him smile, slipping another finger in and finally, finally pressing against your cilt, making a low drawn-out moan fall from your lips as you completely collapse against him. He lets out a breathy laugh at your reaction, working on your clits while stretching your whole, fucking into you with his fingers.
It isn’t long before you feel the build-up of pressure, the muscles of your stomach and thighs tightening and tightening until━
Your body sags against his, pleasure washing over you as you come with his name on your lips but Seokmin keeps going, his thumb circling and pressing against your cilt and the pleasure mixes with hints of pain, your body spasming as tears start to gather in your eyes, overstimulation making itself home. But your hands stay firmly on your side, knowing that if you wanted him to stop, a snap or two taps would have him do so.
“Seok━ Seokmin, baby I━” Your breath hitches as another orgasm washes upon you, your third one since he started and you can feel your mind growing hazy. You can feel him move you, a plushness against your legs. You blink and Seokmin’s face in front of you, lips downturned and eyes worried.
“We had rules love,” Seokmin’s voice is soft as he speaks, “Why didn’t you tell me to stop?”
“I didn’t want you to.” You say, the confusion clear on his tone.
“You blacked out for a bit”
“Oh,” You breathe out, “I’m fine, I promise.” You sigh at the raised eyebrow he sends your way. Leaning down, you press your lips to his, “I promise.”
Seokmin nods, slotting his lips to yours, his tongue finding its way to your mouth as his hands settle on your hips, his thumb brushing against bare skin, making you shiver into the heat of his mouth.
Slowly, his mouth trails down, your lips to your neck to your tits, leaving a wake of red splotches. His hands move from your hips to your thighs, squeezing the tender flesh as he parts your legs, his mouth attaching itself to your core. 
“Keep looking at yourself sweetheart,” Seokmin says, mouth a breath away from your clit, the vibrations making you moan. You swallow and nod, forcing yourself to keep your eyes open and on the mirror, taking in the sight of you looking like a mess, with tear-stained cheeks, chest heaving, mouth open wide and eyes almost a shade of black.
His mouth works on you, sucking at the bundle of nerves, fingers moving in and out of your whole and the pressure starts to build up, moans and whines falling from your lips as your eyes flutter close and body arches and━
A whine falls from your lips as he pulls away, eyes opening to look down at Seokmin and━ oh.
Oh shit.
“One rule, sweetheart,” Seokmin moves from between your legs to crouching in front of you so that he is now at eye level. His fingers weave into your hair, curling at the roots and he pulls your head forward, pain shooting up your skull and heat pooling in your stomach at the act. “Just one”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry won’t cut it.”
“I━”
“On your knees,” He orders and you immediately follow, sliding off the bed and on your knees in front of him. “Now, make up for it. Show me that you're a good girl that listens.” 
“Yes sir,” the words slip from your mouth before you can think through them, your mind too preoccupied with opening the zipper of his pants, lowing it just enough to get to his boxers and taking out his cock before taking him in your mouth to hear the low sound he makes from the back of his throat, his fingers making home in your hair.
You swallow around his length, tongue tracing the shape of his head as you swallow the salty taste. You hear him moan, head thrown back and mouth open as you swallow around him, your hands on the rest of his cock that you couldn’t take in. 
You work at his length, licking and kissing and tracing the veins and ridges of his thick girth, taking him in your mouth, bobbing up and down his shaft as he tugs at your hair, shallowly fucking into your mouth.
“It’s like you're made for his,” Seokming moans out when you hollow your cheek, sucking him further in, “My pretty little toy.”
You moan around his cock, your core throbbing at his words. You continue to do what you were. You ignore the burn in your jaw and the ache in your knees as you work your way through him at an almost reverent pace until you can feel him tensing around you.
“Stop.” Seokmin orders and you immediately do, taking him out of your mouth as you look up at him. You have to blink a few times to get the tears off of your lashes, taking lungfuls of air as you wait for him to tell you what to do next.
“Up,” Seokmin says and you stand up, your knees shaky and breath still coming out short. He pulls you to his lap, his cock pressing against your back as he takes hold of your jaw, making you look in the mirror.
Your skin burns red as you take in the sight of you━ dishevelled hair, red-rimmed eyes, tear-stained cheeks and a mix of drool and precum trailing down your mouth, glistening in the low light of the room. You look like a mess, like you were used and passed around and it’s humiliating and it makes your cilt throat, pleasure curling in your stomach.
“Such a pretty little slut,” Seokmin says, kissing along your jaw, “my pretty little slut.”
You moan, knees shuffling as you try to get some sort o pressure against your throbbing bundle of nerves and Seokmin seems to have noticed it, a low laugh falling from his lips as he smirks at you through the mirror.
“You filthy whore,” Seokmin almost growls out, holding you in place and you let out a pathetic mix of a moan and a whimper. One of his hands disappears behind you and━ oh.
A choked moan falls from your lips as he lifts you and sets you on his cock, your spongy walls pulling him in. Your eyes close, your head falls back and against his chest as you are stretched to your limits.
Seokmin lets out a groan and you open your eyes to see him staring at your stomach, more specifically━ oh fuck, you stare at the curve of your stomach, eyes wide and mouth open. You knew Seokmin was big, a delicious mix of thick and long that left you aching for days after but to see this, see the physical presentation of it━ fuck, you felt light-headed.
“Seok,” You pant out, staring at him through the mirror. “Seok, baby let me move, please” You beg him when you notice him staying still, eyes on the bulge in your stomach.
Seokmin swallows and nods, his grip on your hips loosening slightly for you to lift yourself up and sink down on him again, Seokmin meeting each of your movements with a thrust of his own. Your eyes are settled in the mirror, particularly on your stomach as it curves with each of his thrusts.
It’s not long before you lose all strength in your body, making Seokmin the one to do all the work as you collapse against him, letting him use your body however he wishes. He plays with your cilt as he fucks into you, leaving you a drooling and moaning mess and soon enough, you can feel the pressure build-up, each of his movements adding and adding and adding until━ 
“Seokmin!” You shout as your orgasm washes over you, you chest heaving as Sokmin continues to fuck into you, chasing his own release and it takes a few more thrusts until he paints your hole white with his orgasm.
When you’re both cleaned up and settled in the bed, you curl into him. You feel his arms settle on your waist 
“Love the mirror.” 
Seokmin laughs.
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gluion · 10 months ago
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familiarity (it’s all sticky) ➔ lee seokmin
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peter parker!lee seokmin x spiderman!reader
you’re not sure why you decide to show up at your ex’s place all wounded up from tonight’s battle.
genre/warnings âž” exes (to sort of lovers?), angst, touch of fluff, afab reader (no gendered terms), hurt/comfort (both physical and emotional), discussions of wounds and depictions of blood, lowercase intended, ghost-spider au (though please don’t expect it to be accurate!), reader is obviously spiderman while dokyeom is peter parker i mean HELLO?? i am right, dokyeom is a lil a slob here, reader’s hair is long enough to be tucked behind their ear, based everything on google when it comes to patching up wounds omg, kissing fingertips, mentions of non-sexual stripping and showering (let him take care of you)
word count âž” 4k words
playlist âž” nonviolent communication by metro boomin, james blake, a$ap rocky, & 21 savage // hummingbird by metro boomin & james blake
a/n âž” my svt writing debut <3 i thought this fic would also work really well for my silly dk and i wanted caratblr to have a chance to read this lil baby of mine <3 here's the original work if you're interested! and ofc, thank you to my cat @wuahae for betareading the original :’) you know how much i love you! don't forget to reblog and leave feedback!
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new york city never falls silent. the bustle of every new yorker can be heard through their footsteps,  the wheels that glide against the train tracks along with the beeps of taxis sound throughout the city. the metropolis stays alive in every street, every alleyway, every corner. no matter what hour it may be, each pavement is wide awake.
but the lights seem hazy tonight; the luminescence pours out of every building, the led boards are only blurs of silhouettes and illegible words. normally, you would warn against going out if someone could barely make sense of what these signs say, but you never seem to follow your own advice.
as you swing through the city, web clinging onto every building, blood continues to seep through the white spandex that covers you from head to toe. your body feels heavy, the pain in your lower abdomen continuing to spike with every movement—every swing—you make.
you bite on your lip, holding back the whimpers. your eyes dart through every street sign you pass. with every swing, you realize you’re nowhere close to where you should be. instead
 
you don’t allow yourself to think it over. maybe the loss of blood has you moving out of impulse, but for now, you can only think of getting rid of the pain.
you swing around the corner before landing down at the familiar fire escape, paint-chipped and rusted just like you remember. a hiss leaves your mouth as your hand reaches out to the spot where the blood continues to seep through, holding it down to keep pressure on the wound.
you’re face-to-face with the window; the reflection of you all suited up in some persona is a sight you’re accustomed to—but not on the glass of his window. you’re not sure why you came back here, injured in an identity he only knew of through word of mouth.
but the throbbing in your abdomen doesn’t give you enough time to think more about it. pushing the window up, you throw one leg over the edge into the apartment. your eyes quickly scan through the familiar space—a room you once treated as yours.
pillows scattered and bedsheets wrinkled, the walls are littered with the same posters of anime he swears to be the best of all time (which you agreed with), along with his desk, littered with trinkets you haven’t seen since the day you left him—ones that he talked about to you back then with so much joy.
as you attempt to get your other leg over the edge of the window, you yelp at the sharp pain that strikes. “fuck,” you whimper, gasping out a breath. another groan rips out from your throat as you force your leg over, head resting on the frame with closed eyes, bracing yourself through the wave of pain that follows.
as pants continue to leave your mouth, your senses tingle as your ears catch the sound of footsteps on the other side of the room. you attempt to stand up only for another groan to leave your lips, and you realize it’s too late—the door creaks open, revealing the man you haven’t been face-to-face with since you said your farewell months ago.
dressed in an oversized white tee and a pair of black shorts, dokyeom stands with a bag of chips in his hand and disheveled hair, eyes wide and gaping. you can only assume he was fresh from bed.  
“s-spiderman?!” he looks around, noticing the mess that you’re being exposed to. before you can register it, he rushes in, dropping the bag of chips somewhere near the doorway, and tries to tidy his bed. “w-what are you doing here? i think you might’ve entered the wrong room,” he stutters as he attempts to fix his pillows and bedsheets (poorly, if you may say). 
somehow, the sight of dokyeom all frazzled makes you smile behind your mask. the idea of your—no, you mean, this guy all worried about you seeing how untidy he lives makes you chuckle.
but as you laugh, pain shoots through your lower abdomen once more. you cough out before hissing, pressing onto the wound. it takes everything in you to keep your body upright until you feel a pair of hands rest on your shoulders. you look up only to be met with his worried expression.
and you spot the way his eyes trail down to where your hand rests. you’re thankful that the mask could hide the heat that rises to your cheeks.
“oh god, you need that treated,” dokyeom’s eyes snap back up to you, and your breath hitches. even after all these months, he still holds stars in his eyes.
it’s been a while since you last saw him up close. the bags on his under eyes have turned a few shades darker, and you notice an eyelash that rests on his cheek. you don’t think about what you do next, your free hand reaching out to his face, and his breath hitches. once you pick it out, you flick the strand off of your fingers, and that’s when you realize the mistake you committed.
“s-sorry,” you choke out. although you try to keep your voice as low and gruntled as possible, he frowns. he bites the inside of his cheek as his eyes flicker between your masked face and the wound.
“i-i don’t know how to help. i can call for an ambulan—”
you grab onto his arm before he can leave. as you shake your head, he gulps. “i can’t really help you,” he says, but your grip doesn’t falter. with that, he lets out a sigh before kneeling in front of you. his hands find themselves on the ledge, his arms now caging your frail figure. “do you have someone in mind who can help you?”
dokyeom’s question is innocent. you’re sure the last thing he meant was to mock your situation—showing up in a “stranger’s” room unannounced—but it strikes a chord in you.
you haven’t spoken to him since you broke up a few months back. when you’re outside of your suit, you avoid him like the plague. in the hallways of campus, you take any possible route to not cross his. but when you’re covered in your second skin, you find yourself on top of buildings watching him from far away. with the distance, you allow yourself to learn about what he’s been up to since you two last spoke. 
so you don’t know why you sit in front of him all injured and dressed up in white, black, and pink spandex, because you haven’t spoken to him since that day. shame bubbles within you all while reality slowly slips from your fingertips. and the way your body gets heavier with every second that passes has him mumbling profanities.
his hands hold onto you as he makes you lean your weight on the frame of the window. “wait,” he says as he stands up and walks into his bathroom. before you know it, he comes out with a box.
dokyeom finds his spot back in front of you and he opens what he retrieved. as he looks through the supplies of bandages, alcohol, gauze, and more, he says as his eyes flicker up towards you, “i don’t know how much this will help but it’ll do for now.”
and you should be thankful that someone is willing to bandage you up after the rough night you’ve had, but it feels like a lie to have dokyeom be the one to do it, especially when you haven’t told him the truth.
so when he grabs onto the supplies he needs to treat your wound, your free hand reaches for the underside of your mask. his eyes follow where it rests, and he freezes in his tracks. your fingertips curl on the fabric as you take a deep breath.
“you don’t—”
you shake your head, cutting him off, and you close your eyes before pulling off the mask.
you’re afraid to look at the boy kneeling in front of you, for you can only imagine the annoyance—the disgust—that will paint his features. it’s not like you had a choice to show up at his fire escape this one night, but it was your choice to reveal who spiderman really is behind the mask.
a beat passes.
you’re not sure what to do at this moment. what are you supposed to do after a vigilante reveals who they are?
but when you open your eyes, dokyeom looks back at you with an emotion you can’t pinpoint. he averts his eyes, trailing down to your wound. “let me see it,” he whispers.
you gulp, an attempt to clear your throat and thoughts, before letting your hand move away from the puncture. your hand grips the hem of the top of your suit, peeling it upwards to reveal a bloody wound. from the sight, it looks like you were stabbed, but it’s only a deep cut.
he pulls out a piece of cloth, reaching out and pressing it to your wound. you yelp, eyes squeezing shut at the contact.  “i’m sorry, but we need to stop the bleeding a bit more.” it takes everything in you to open your eyes. you’re met with the sight of dokyeom whose face holds a thousand emotions—you can’t identify any of them.
“can you keep pressure on it?” you only nod before you remove your gloves, afraid to touch the wound with fabric covered in grime. you dump your mask and gloves on the space beside you before letting your hand reach to where the cloth is held against. your hand brushes against his for a split second—you retract your hand immediately at the contact with his skin.
at the sudden motion, the cloth against your stomach drops with nothing left to hold it. dokyeom curses in a panic, hand shooting out in an attempt to save it, but you react faster. snatching it mid-fall, you grasp it tightly, placing the cloth back onto your wound. his eyes dart between where your hand rests and your face, a twinge of worry cast on his features, but he doesn’t give you an opportunity to say anything as he stands up quickly and walks back to his bathroom.
you hear the water run for a moment. the noises of the street fill your ears. the lights from outside cascade the floor, hues of yellow and purple filling the room. and then thunder rumbles; it shakes the floorboards. the sounds of raindrops follow, and you feel your back start to get wet from the storm that has entered new york city.
you try to push yourself off the ledge, a groan ripping out of your throat once more. and you’re finally on your feet. but at any moment, it feels like you may collapse.
“wait, wait! what are you doing?” dokyeom exclaims as he rushes out of the bathroom. he quickly grabs hold of you in an attempt to keep you steady. “don’t stand up or that wound might get worse.”
“i-it’s just the rain. i don’t want to leave the window open.” as you turn your torso, another spike strikes where your wound is. the yelp that leaves your mouth has dokyeom grip onto your arm tighter.
“no, just sit. i’ll take care of it,” he says as he brings you to his chair, his hand never leaves your arm. you let out a hiss until your bottom meets the cushion. as soon as your back rests on the chair, you close your eyes for a moment from the pain.
his hand leaves you. you hear the window shut; the car horns and barks from stray animals are now muffled.
when your eyes flutter open, dokyeom crouches in front of you with a wet towel in his hand. “i need to clean it.” you only nod before removing the cloth on your wound. he grabs it from you and places it on his lap.
as he raises the wet towel to your wound, you flinch at the contact. he quickly retracts it and asks, “does it hurt?”
“no, it’s just cold,” you mumble back. he only nods before attempting to clean the area around your wound. while he keeps his eyes on the puncture, your eyes remain on his face; hues of yellow cast upon him.
his skin glows under the city lights—did anyone know about the stars you once carved on it?
“is this why we broke up?” his eyes snap toward yours as he asks that question.
you cannot help but bite the inside of your cheek. “y-yeah,” you choke out.
he hums before his eyes go back down to your injury. “i’m guessing this is why you were distant then, right?”
you don’t bother to speak, letting the silence speak for itself.
he removes the wet towel; the white cloth is covered in patches of red. as he crumples it into a ball, you spot that his white shirt holds splotches of blood as well.
dokyeom stands up to drop the pieces of fabric on the table behind you. “your dad obviously doesn’t know,” he mutters to himself.
it’s a rhetorical question. of course, your father has no clue of your late-night rendezvous. you’re sure he could never look at you the same if he found out because to him, he would never understand what you do. he would see you only as a low-life criminal in the same way the nypd does. 
dokyeom then dabs a cotton ball soaked in betadine on your abdomen. you bite on your lip as a hiss leaves your mouth. “fuck,” you curse, and he only continues to clean up your wound.
silence takes over you two. as he bandages you up, you allow yourself to close your eyes. you were thankful to find rest in these small moments. but you don’t miss the warmth of his fingertips on your skin; they feel just like last time.
“why did you come here?” his question has your eyes snapping open, and you are met with a frown resting on his face.
you bite the inside of your cheek. “i-i don’t know.” it’s a lie—one you both know. you had every chance to change the route you were taking. instead, you chose to go to his place—even if it may be on the other side of where you live.
he lets out a sigh. it’s clear that he’s disappointed by your words, but all he says is “okay,” as he gets up. “you can stay here for the night.” he stands in front of you in a shirt covered in patches of blood—it’s proof that his heart still holds a spot for you.
despite the venom that was laced in your words the night you cut ties with him, he leaves you a space for you to fill. it’s another choice you can make, but one you’re not sure if you should take.
dokyeom walks to the desk behind you and flips the lamp on. you swivel the chair so that you’re face-to-face with his slouched figure. you would’ve scolded him, but you’re not in the place to do so—not after what you two had.
but a part of you wishes to chide those words—hey, keep slouching and your back will get worse—for old time’s sake. it takes everything in you to hold back from saying the reminder, but it takes nothing to let your hand grip the back of his shirt. his movements halt.
as you sit up, you let your face bury into the arch of his back. the scent of his laundry detergent (it’s still the same smell of lavender) fills your nose, and you let your hands trail around his torso until they find their home on his waist. even after all these months, your hands knew where to rest—your spidey senses knew who to go to.
you feel his hands rest on your arms, his thumb drawing circles on your forearm. you breathe at the same pace as him. whenever his shoulders move up, yours follow. and you allow yourself to cherish just this once the familiar warmth of dokyeom. you let your soul mesh with his once more.
with closed eyes, you whisper, “i still look for you.” his thumb stops moving, and a shaky breath leaves your mouth. “i’m here because all i know is you.”
it’s half of a lie, but still a lie nevertheless. you shake your head against his shirt. “no,” you rescind. “i know i shouldn’t be here, and i had every chance to go back home, but,” you take a deep breath. “would you let me, just this once, be honest with you?”
your question hangs in the air—it’s not for him but for you. all the choices you took led to this moment, from embracing the persona you were handed through a single spider bite all the way to removing the mask in front of him.
dokyeom spins to face you. he stands in front of you with the remnants of you covering him, his shirt coated in hues of red and your blood dried up on his hands. the light behind him causes a shadow to paint his face.
but when he kneels once more in front of you, you get a good look at his features. he still looks like the same boy you first met—the same one you fell in love with—but you wonder if he was still the one you knew?
that is until his hand reaches toward your face. you hold your breath as it finds its spot on your cheek. but as his thumb grazes your cheekbone, a trembling breath leaves you. you gulp everything down—your fears and anxieties—so that you can finally be honest with dokyeom.
“i wanted to tell you who i really am.” a flicker of confusion flashes through his eyes. “and i know i’m not doing it in the best state,” a chuckle leaves your mouth. “but with every day that passes, and every injury i need to endure, i didn’t know when i would be able to tell you what went wrong with us.” a beat passes. “what went wrong with me.”
he shakes his head. “nothing’s wrong with you. what are you talking about?” a frown takes over his face. “i mean, you’re spiderman, for god’s sake.” you weren’t able to hold back the giggle that slipped from your lips.
but it wouldn’t be fair to just accept his words as is, not after the damage you’ve caused.
you let a hand rest on his, the one that rests on your cheek, and you curl your fingers so that you hold it. “i’m sorry that this is me.” the whisper is loud enough to fill the silence of his room. “i’m sorry that i crashed here all injured and left you to deal with the mess,” your eyes flicker to his bed. “especially on a night when you were resting.”
as soon as your eyes go back to dokyeom, you notice that he’s biting the inside of his cheek. “why are you telling me this?” it’s an honest question, one he couldn’t figure out the answer to. “we haven’t seen each other since you broke up with me.”
and he has every right to be confused with your sudden appearance. after all the months spent avoiding him in the halls while still seeking him on top of buildings, dokyeom was left with no clue as to why you come to him first in such a dire situation. why is it that you chose to reveal such an intimate part of yourself months after you two have drifted?
“do i have to say it?” you ask.
and he looks back into your eyes before saying, “it’s the least you can do.”
so you grab onto his hand, moving it so that it rests in yours. the sight of his fingers and palms covered in splotches of you fills your heart with warmth. it’s proof of the time he spent to patch you up. no matter who you may be—spiderman or not—you will forever be at his mercy.
“we can’t be together. it will only be another cycle of pain.” for both of you. as your eyes land back on his face, you spot sorrow coating his features.
“but i still do.” it’s an unfinished thought on his end. despite the frown you show, all he does is flash you a bitter smile. “i always have and always will.”
and it clicks.
“n-no, dokyeom,” you shake your head. “you can’t.”
he brings your hand close to his lips, letting it linger for a moment. “but you do,” he whispers into your fingertips. “right?”
even after revealing who spiderman truly is behind the mask, you expect dokyeom to rethink everything he knows. the months spent away from you should be enough reason to reconsider how much he knows of you now. but even if you two were to spend years apart, he would still read you as well as he does now. 
“i can’t,” you choke out. “i can only offer so much, and you deserve so much more.”
he smiles at you—the same one you used to see every day, no matter what time of the day it may be—as his free hand reaches for your hair, tucking it behind your ear.
“i couldn’t care any less.”
you shake your head. it’s clear he doesn’t understand the gravity of it all; to be with you means to remain in constant danger. “no, dokyeom. you don’t understand. i broke up with you because i’m batshit scared of what will happen to you.”
because it seems to always occur—anyone you come close to becomes another target for your enemies. it’s already hard enough to handle the responsibility of being a masked hero, but you don’t think you could handle a possibility where dokyeom’s death would be on your hands.
but all he does is shake his head and says, “i don’t care. i still love you.”
you haven’t heard him say that to you in months. such a simple phrase causes warmth to fill your limbs and heat to rise to your cheeks. he still has the same effect on you after so long.
there are consequences that this conversation bears. you should have stood up and left as soon as he patched you up. it should’ve been obvious that the longer you stayed, the more you would pour out sentiments that you tried to keep under wraps—under the mask—and it seemed that dokyeom knew how to undo them even better than he did then.
and hearing dokyeom say those words has you falling into a perpetual cycle of torment, one that makes every day intolerable for you can only watch him from afar. but aren’t you already living it the more you deny what’s in front of you two?
so you only nod, and bring his hand close so you can feel his fingertips on your lips. with closed eyes, you whisper, “okay.”
it’s a testament to everything—one to his offer to let you sleep in this very room you once treated as yours, one to his confession that tilted your world’s axis, one to the very situation you’re in—and you’re sure he knows it, too.
he smiles as soon as your eyes flutter open. “let’s go to sleep.”
you know that sleep meant to be wrapped in his arms all while he would leave kisses on your temple. you don’t remember the last time you got enough rest, but you remember that the last time you slept in dokyeom’s arms was the last one you were able to fall into slumber at ease.
so you nod, allowing him to help you out of the chair. and he helps you through it all—shedding the suit off of you, cleaning you of all the grime from tonight’s adventure, and getting dressed in fresh clothes—until you two find your place on his bed.
nothing is said for the rest of the night. for once, you drift into slumber without any secrets stashed away.
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