#Latin History For Morons

[orellazalonia]

Certified Genius, Unlicensed Moron

Summary: Exploring more of your relationship and dynamics with the rest of the Avengers, they are well-acquainted with how much whiplash and how many headaches you give them on a daily. (Bucky Barnes x Avengers!reader)

Word Count: 1.2k+

A/N: The other going on dates fic didn’t have enough unhinged questionable reader for me. And to be honest….I didn’t like it as much as the prequel. So! I wrote this to cheer me up and feed my need for dumb & genius reader. Purely self-indulgent but hopefully you like it too. Happy reading!!!

Main Masterlist | Original Fic

Being an Avenger came with certain expectations. Tactical prowess. Cool one-liners. Teamwork. A mild-to-moderate understanding of physics.

You had exactly none of that. And yet, you were thriving.

You had taken on aliens, mercenaries, HYDRA agents, and that one time, an actual raccoon with a vendetta. You once guessed the password to a SHIELD vault on the first try by inputting “boob69.” It worked. Nobody ever explained why. You were untouchable.

But nothing broke the team more than the group chat.

It had been a standard team communication channel at first: briefings, updates, emergency alerts. Then you joined and everything fell apart.

-

GROUP CHAT: “Earth’s Mightiest Dumbasses”

Tony: Meeting in the conference room at 9 A.M. sharp.

You: what’s 9 AM in frog time

Natasha: What does that mean?

You: like if a frog wears a watch is the time upside down

Tony: Please, I’m begging you to just answer the question like a normal person.

You: normal is a strong word

-

You once sent a photo of a pigeon wearing a hat with the caption “me when I infiltrate enemy lines.” No one questioned it. Mostly because they couldn’t.

After all, you’re the same person who confidently gave a TED Talk about the strategic history of medieval siege warfare mid-mission while wearing Crocs. The same person who once said, “Vibranium tastes like disappointment,” and then refused to elaborate. You somehow manage to both ace every debrief but also once asked if Wi-Fi is just helpful air soup.

Thor called you “small thunder” after you electrocuted yourself trying to microwave aluminum “as a science experiment.” You did not have lightning powers. It was just dumb luck. And you’d do it again.

-

GROUP CHAT:

Clint: who the hell labeled all the fridge items in latin?

You: idk man maybe someone wants you to be cultured

Bucky: You labeled the eggs, “Future ankle peckers, do not anger them”

You: ...and have you been attacked? no? you’re welcome.

-

Bucky still doesn't understand you. Not even a little.

And a lot of times, that haunts him.

He watches you eat hot sauce straight from the bottle like it's a health tonic, quote Shakespeare when you’re tired, and wear mismatched crocs into certain battles because "they're my war shoes." One has a tiny sword glued to it.

You once looked him dead in the eye and said, “I wasn’t born. I was assembled in a Target parking lot during a thunderstorm.”

And then walked away.

He’s been thinking about it for months.

Another time you brought him a bag of gummy worms, patted his head, and said, “For when the depression demons attack.”

Despite all your nonsense, he can’t stop looking at you like you hung the moon with glitter glue and then ate half of it because that brand “smelled like frosting.”

He had tried to pretend you’re a nuisance at first, shaking his head and sighing at some of your antics. But it’s all morphed to reluctant acceptance of the fact that he’ll have to live with so many unanswered questions. That doesn’t stop him from taking care of you though.

He brings you hot chocolate after missions. He makes sure you’re behind him when it gets dangerous. He drags you out of fountains you jump into because you wanted to know what the regals birds like about it. He even downloaded TikTok just to understand your references.

One time you disappeared in the Tower. For five hours.

He found you in the broom closet, sitting cross-legged with three Roombas, wearing a crown made of forks.

“They know secrets,” You whispered. “I’m learning their ways.”

Bucky blinked.

“…I brought you pizza.”

You gasped. “I knew the prophecy would come true.”

-

GROUP CHAT:

Steve: Can someone explain what this is?

Image attached: You in a vent near the ceiling wearing a bad ghost outfit like a cursed Halloween decoration, eating Cheez-Its.

You: surveillance

Steve: Why…

You: i wanted to know what Bucky does when I’m not looking

Bucky: They’ve been up there for 6 hours. I offered help. They hissed at me.

-

Despite it all, you were deadly in the field.

You’d spout off the periodic table in the middle of a fistfight, pull off gravity-defying stunts “because I saw it in a cartoon once,” and solve encrypted Hydra codes in 30 seconds, all while questioning if Mickey Mouse and his friends ever had to pay rent to live in the Mickey Mouse clubhouse.

Bucky, your begrudgingly loving boyfriend, no longer reacts when you do things like wear medieval armor to a stealth op for morale reasons or quote Shrek during hostage negotiations. He just quietly takes your hand and steers you away before you lick anything radioactive.

Steve once asked why you were on a mission wearing roller skates. You said, “Speed and style, Cap,” then crashed directly into a vending machine and pulled out a single uncrushed Twix with solemn reverence.

Tony called you “the human embodiment of a broken Google search.” Wanda called you “a mystery I’ve chosen not to solve.” Natasha just called you “terrifying.”

Because for every baffling thing you did, like calling her “Mom” during a sniper stakeout because “you give off stern PTA energy”, you turned around and cracked encrypted intel before Bruce finished making coffee.

Once, in a mission briefing, Rhodey asked, “Wait, wasn’t the Hindenburg caused by a gas explosion?” and you, dead serious, replied, “Who’s the Hindenburg? That sounds like a guy who collects teeth.”

Everyone went dead silent.

Sam just nodded slowly and said, “Right, okay. Yeah, cool. This is the part where I stop paying attention.”

Nobody could figure you out.

Bruce once ran 14 psychological profiles on you. None of them matched. One came back as possibly a goat in human form.

Clint swears you once explained string theory using sock puppets and a waffle. And it made sense.

-

GROUP CHAT:

Tony: I’m updating the security protocol. Everyone needs to re-register their biosignatures.

You: what if I am a security risk

Tony: You are. Absolutely. Every day. In every way.

You: then I win

Natasha: What did you win?

You: You’ll see 😈

Tony: I have forgotten what peace feels like anymore.

-

You called yourself “The Distractinator” in combat.

Enemies didn’t know what to do with you. Were you a genius? Crazy? Feral? Was that a printer you just threw at their face while quoting Pride and Prejudice?

Yes. To all of it.

And somehow, impossibly, you were everyone’s favorite. Because while you were a chaos gremlin of untold magnitude, you cared.

You noticed when Clint seemed tired and unorthodoxically left snacks in his quiver.

You taught Steve how to use TikTok but made sure to curate only dog videos and motivational frog memes.

You convinced Bucky he could wear purple and look amazing. He does now. Regularly.

You helped Tony fix a faulty AI loop by accident while trying to build “a blender that screams.”

You’re not just a part of the team. You’re the emotional support cryptid.

And no matter how many explosions you cause with your “experiments,” or how many philosophical debates you start about whether lasagna is a cake, the Avengers wouldn’t trade you for the world.

…Though Tony did try to sell you to the X-Men once.

It didn’t work.

They sent you back with a fruit basket and a strongly worded letter.

[phantom-of-notre-dame]

Movie time!

Tagged by @lesbiansagainsttheatre

I never know who to tag in these sorts of things so consider yourselves tagged if you want to join!

[featherlesswings]

What the fuck do you think the word Indigenous means? Please watch John Leguizamo Presents Latin History for Morons. DNA testing has proven that Native American tribes and Indigenous Latin American people share DNA, because it’s a fucking CONTINENT, and they all shared it before our colonizer asses showed up and took everything from them.

Everyone say thank you american indigenous people for cultivating corn, potatoes, peppers, tomatoes, cacao, pumpkin, squash, and anything i missed. Makes life more meaningful globally

[makiruz]

Wait, wait, "And then you go on say 'we', by which you mean gentiles, 'must be wary' of jews (red flag) who use Zionism- the understanding that our homeland is the levant- as 'a shield' against 'antisemitism' (red flag)"

I meant Nazis you moron! Nazis use Zionism as a shield to hide their antisemitism! Oh my god. Are you troll or you cannot read? And "we" was everyone, but sure, go off

Oh my god, and this is someone who clearly needs to learn the history of Liberia (you guys should look into it, it's very revealing)

Oh and since we're ranting, gotta love people trying to claim that because Israel is racially diverse it's not an ethnostate; like first off let's ignore the racism against black Jews in Israel, and then remember and I'm Latina so I know race and ethnicity aren't the same, like you can be white and Latinx, you can be black and Latine, you can be Asian and Latinx; so racial diversity doesn't change the fact that Israel is based on Jewish ethnic identity.

Shit, forget what I just said! They do mention Latin America! So they don't know who they're talking to; and what is this bullshit? "Does the state religion and mostly latino makup of every south american country, formed from actual imperial colonialism make them catholic ethnostates?" "mostly latino makeup"? What the hell is "latinx make up"? Like, being vaguely brown? a Mestizx? Mestizxs look like anything because genetics are funny like that! Like the triplets from Encanto, one is super white and red head, and the other 2 are notably brown and that's totally realistic (maybe not with triplets, but siblings); holy shit what the hell are you talking. And by the way, no country in South America has a state religion, some like Argentina and Peru recognize the Catholic Church's as important, but it's not the state's religion; the only country in America with a State Religion is Costa Rica (where I happen to be from, yay), which is in Central America (well, Dominican Republic, also in Central America, has Catholicism as "official religion", but no state church); and even here with our State Religion, the discrimination is de-facto not legal, you can't legally deny citizenship to someone based on their religion, and you can't legally give different rights to people based on their religion or ethnicity; which isn't the case in Israel.

The next part of this dumbass post is more "I don't know about Liberia" nonsense.

"'ancient' arab palestinians never existed" what?; it's KGB propaganda, apparently; and anyway, I don't give a fuck about "ancient", nobody cares about ancient, only Zionists trying to justify the oppression of the Palestinians care about ancient peoples; we care about the Palestinian people who currently live there as second class citizens and the Palestinian people who were already there 70 years ago and got ethnically cleanse; that's it, nobody care about ancient fucking times

"fact free opinions" that's why it's called a "rant" dumbass. And I never said that most Jews I run into are Zionists, that's projecting. Most Jews I run into here are normal, it's just that I have twice provoked the Zionists accidentally; but that's okay, I blocked everyone so it's not gonna happen again

[brasil-e-com-s]

Civilizações foram destruídas, como hoje destroem os nossos ÍNDIOS.

Se você acha que tem amigos nos países mais ricos do mundo...você é o idiota. Eles ficaram ricos, matando e usurpando.

Quando puderem, assistam em suas línguas (português e espanhol) o stand-up “Latin History for Morons” ou mais apropriadamente, “América Latina para Imbecis” no Netflix. E a História é muito pior. Leguizamo foi até leve. A história das conquistas mostra que a tabela EUA ,Reino Unido e UE têm um pensamento colonialista ( hoje, neocolonialismo) que nunca acabou. É um ranço que não há sabão que tire. É chegar, enganar, usurpar e explorar.

De firma simplificada e irônica, a representação teatral dada em uma ‘sala de aula’, não mostra nada diferente, mas relembra o que fizeram com os seus próprios índios e fazem com os latinos, inclusive os brasileiros, há anos, e ainda estão fazendo como ficou pública o apoio à Bolsonaro e a destruição para o fim fos nossos índios hoje. Com que interesse? Território, riquezas minerais, poder e dinheiro. Mais que isso, O CONTROLE.

A mesma violência para intimidar, exterminar para usurpar.

No entanto..mundialmente, vemos que isso está para mudar. Não é mais possível fechar os olhos para o que acontece em todo o mundo por causa dessas interferências na vida social, cultural e política dos outros.

[calto19]

This is so important because I remember John Jeguizamo saying on his special 'Latin History for Morons' that; "when you don't see yourself, you feel fucking invisible." And that's the pain and sadness all POC have felt not just in media, but in their daily lives. This is why it's important.

I am so ready for the gatwa era

[mtamarindo55]

John Leguizamo’s Latin History for Morons (2018)

I saw the trailer thanks to Netflix's auto play, (I may gripe about it but I think it did good by me a few times). And the title caught my eye.

I think it wasn't exactly what I expected, perhaps not being familiar with John Leguazamo's work outside of movies made me unprepared. What I was expecting was more like the last 30 minutes of the show, more about the American history that involves Latinos. Instead it's this story of trying to get his son to see there is so much more to everyone's history, and to grow from that. And that ended up being about an hour of Aztec and Inca history.

I think there was a few beautiful moments when discussing how this lack of perspective in history harms us, I could have done without the voices and personalities he used (he relies on stereotypes, its pretty lazy and not funny now and days, really he could have left it out since it doesn’t add anything to his main point). But that's what he uses as the comedy in the performance. Basically I wasn't big on his performance art, but I do think there is something big he’s on to. This is like the appetizer to hopefully get you to want to learn more on your own. I even wrote down the books he mentioned. A People's history of the United States by Howard Zinn, Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent by Eduardo Galeano, and 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus by Charles C. Mann.

This was such a strange thing, it's like part ted talk, part, performance art, part comedy special, part something. Even though I didn't get what I wanted, it does inspire me to go do my own research.

[arsonyte]

[fdelopera]

It's the most meshugeh time of the year, in which goyishe idiots wrapped in fake keffiyehs they bought on Amazon open their mouths and spew the supersessionist lie that "JeSuS wAs a PaLeStInIaN."

No, you morons, Jesus was not a "Palestinian." Jesus was a Jew from Judea.

Judea is the Latinized form of the Hebrew place name יהודה (Yehudah), which is an endonym.

An endonym (which you SHOULD know about if you care anything about indigenous rights or land back movements) is "a common, native name for a group of people, individual person, geographical place, language, or dialect, meaning that it is used inside a particular group or linguistic community to identify or designate themselves, their place of origin, or their language."

In other words, an endonym is the name that the people of a land use to refer to the land and to themselves.

During Jesus' lifetime, the province of Judea was called Yehudah by the indigenous population of Eretz Yisrael -- the Jews. The Jews of the region did NOT call Yehudah or Eretz Yisrael by the Greco-Roman name "Palestine."

Syria-Palaestina is an exonym officially imposed on Judea in the 130s CE by the Romans under Emperor Hadrian, after Hadrian squashed the Jewish Bar Kokhba revolt in 135 CE, over 100 years after the Romans crucified Jesus.

The Romans borrowed the name "Syria-Palaestina" from the Greek historian Herodotus' "Histories." This is why Ancient Greek authors like Aristotle as well as some 1st Century Roman authors such as Ovid referred to Judea as "Palaestina" -- they are using this Greek exonym, rather than calling the land Yehudah and Eretz Yisrael as the native Jewish inhabitants did.

An exonym (which, again, you should know about if you give a damn about indigenous rights) is "an established, non-native name for a group of people, individual person, geographical place, language, or dialect, meaning that it is used primarily outside the particular place inhabited by the group or linguistic community. Exonyms exist not only for historico-geographical reasons but also in consideration of difficulties when pronouncing foreign words, or from non-systematic attempts at transcribing into a different writing system."

In other words, an exonym is the foreign name that COLONIZERS give to a land and a people, often in an attempt to ERASE THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE'S CONNECTION TO THE LAND.

This is exactly what the Romans were attempting to do, when they officially changed the name of Yehudah (Judea) to Syria-Palaestina -- they were attempting to destroy the Jewish connection to Eretz Yisrael. The Romans were literally trying to erase Jews from the map.

The joke's on the Romans, though, because despite their best efforts, Jews never left Eretz Yisrael, and we outlived the Western Roman Empire, which fell in 476 CE. And now the Romans dress as plastic gladiators and sell cheap souvenirs to tourists outside the ruins of the Colosseum, which was built by our Jewish ancestors, who were enslaved by Emperors Vespasian, Titus, and Domitian after the Romans destroyed our Temple in 70 CE.

But back to the Greek historian Herodotus, who wrote his "Histories" in Athens in the 430s BCE, at the end of his life. Something you should know about Herodotus is that his "Histories" were not history as we know it today. They were a mixture of myth, legend, and history, written from an unapologetically 5th Century BCE Athenian perspective, and he gave his writing a feeling of historicity by actually traveling to some of the places he wrote about, and describing firsthand some of the local landmarks.

Herodotus' "Histories" were not historically accurate. For instance, Herodotus wrote that slaves built the Egyptian pyramids. Yes, that is the origin of that popular historical lie. Nowadays, we know that the pyramids were build by a veritable army of Egyptian engineers, craftsmen, and stone masons who were compensated for their work, not by enslaved peoples.

So, when it came time for Herodotus to write about Judea, he was similarly historically inaccurate.

In his "Histories," Herodotus referred to the coastal area of Philistia as a region of Syria called Palaistine. Philistia was the coastal area of Judea where the Mycenaean Greek invaders called the Philistines had once lived, before being massacred by the Babylonians around 600 BCE, leading up to the sacking of Jerusalem, the destruction of the Temple of Solomon (the First Jewish Temple), and the Babylonian Exile in 586 BCE.

So by the time Herodotus wrote about this Mycenaean Greek settlement of Philistia on the coast of Judea, the Philistines had all been dead for about 170 years. The only thing that remained of them was the place that still bore their name.

So why did Herodotus refer to this area as "Syria" (as in, belonging to the ancient Assyrians, who had been conquered by the Babylonians around 609 BCE)?

And why did he not acknowledge that the Levant in the 430s BCE was currently under the control of the Achaemenid Empire, aka the Persians (who had conquered the Babylonians about 100 years prior in 539 BCE)?

And why did he refer to Yehudah (the Jewish and Persian name for Judea) using the Greek exonym, "Palaistine"?

It was because of Athenian geopolitics.

In 480-479 BCE, only 50 years prior to Herodotus writing his "Histories," the Greeks had defeated the Persians at the Battles of Salamis and Plataea, which halted the Persian conquest of Greece. This was after the Battle of Thermopylae in the summer of 480 BCE, which you may know from the movie 300, in which the Spartan general Leonidas and a troupe of 300 Spartan soldiers led a suicide mission to hold off the advancing Persian army at the pass of Thermopylae.

Herodotus was born around 484 BCE in the then Persian-controlled Greek city of Halicarnassus in Asia Minor (in modern day Turkey). He was born only about four years after the Greeks defeated the Persian armies in the Greco-Persian Wars, and he was raised within the context of this civilizational conflict between Greeks and Persians.

So, Herodotus was not about to refer to the Levant according to current geopolitics, which would require him to acknowledge the strength of the Achaemenid Empire. In fact, Herodotus consistently calls the peoples of the Achaemenid Empire "Persians."

Yes, just like "Palaistine," the word "Persia" is a Greek exonym.

Like many Greeks of his day, Herodotus believed that the Persians were descended from Perses, the son of the Greek hero, Perseus. The Greeks held onto this belief in order to maintain some Greek control over the Greco-Persian narrative, especially in the face of the much stronger Achaemenid Empire.

So, Herodotus conveniently "forgot" that most of Judea existed when he wrote his "Histories," and he only wrote about Philistia, the old Mycenaean Greek coastal area. And he referred to to the Achaemenid Empire as being descended from the Greek Hero, Perseus.

There's a word for this behavior!

Yes. Herodotus was engaging in Greek supersessionism.

He was willfully and intentionally writing his "Histories" through a Greek lens.

And that Greek lens continues to plague Jews to this day, with Hamasniks like the idiot in the video referring to Jesus, a Jew from Yehudah (Judea), by the Greek-derived, Roman colonizer exonym, "Palestinian."

And in the case of Iran, Herodotus' Greek lens lasted all the way until 1935.

Many of the people groups in the Achaemenid Empire used the endonym "Airya" to describe themselves, which is why in 1935, the king Reza Shah Pahlavi requested that foreign delegates begin using the endonym "Iran" in formal correspondence.

Iran is the modern derivation of the old name Airya. Iran is an endonym.

So then, why oh why do Hamasniks like the moron in this video insist on using the Greek exonym "Palestine" to refer to Eretz Yisrael?

Oh right, because they are racist, Jew-hating bigots who are upholding Greco-Roman COLONIZATION of Jewish history, culture, and religion.

So, tl;dr -- Jesus was never a "Palestinian" because neither Jesus nor any other Jew in Eretz Yisrael used the Greek exonym "Palaestina." Jews used the endonyms Yehudah and Yisrael.

Also, side note, these tags are spot on. These Hamasniks are always such dirty little hypocrites, aren't they!

#the bitch in the original tiktok also gets around in an israeli-made wheelchair. BDS your mobility aid you fucking asshole

#and he's right: if any of these poseurs actually cared about palestinians? they wouldn't be shilling this shit #they're just using palestinians as a cudgel to beat jews

matthew 👏👏👏👏💙

[sudaca-swag]

I'm going to beg all of you not to watch "Latin history for morons" in every post bc seriously...... It's the worst and it's not latin american approved, it's the Lele pons of history

[gringoslur]

I just saw the trailer of latin america for morons, and it's?? So disrespectful? Why netflix even allow that?

i just watch it too and oh my god,,,,,,,anyways! new theory:

John Leguizamo is the male version of Lele Pons: they are both “latines” making content of their “latinidad” but only for ignorant gringos

[millievanilly]

Seriously though,

John Leguizamo’s Latin History for Morons was enlightening and funny and just really flipping good. Definitely watch it.

[anonymousmadame2911]

11/23/2018

Did I go shopping on Black Friday?!

Hell FUCKING nah.

Did I masturbate and watch movies?

Hell FUCKING yeah.

So far, I had 5 orgasms yesterday and watched Sorry to Bother You, Bao, Blackkklansman, Skyscraper, and Latin History for Morons.

Edit: Lest you think I am an underachiever, I had 2 orgasms already today.

[cjbolan]

And John Leguizamo has so much more range than Sid the Sloth!!! From serious drama like Romeo + Juliet to standup comedy like Latin History for Morons.

"boohoo our s*xyman is voiced by the Iceage sloth"— well I for one appreciate all the hard work John Leguizamo put into single handedly wrestling Lin Manuel Miranda out of that recording booth to prevent him from voicing Bruno.

[rhiannonkincade]

John Leguizamo has SNAPPED and it’s glorious.

GO WATCH HIS NETFLIX SPECIAL

“Latin History for Morons”

It’s a wake up call. It’s the Latin history America refuses to teach. It’s the best thing I’ve seen all year.

[rissa-explains-it-all]

My golden retriever, what am I white

John Leguizamo basically quoting my life