#LIKE...... 'YEAH IM USELESS AND I DONT KNOW ANYTHING IM JUST A WASTE OF SPACE BUT'

[astro-nova9]

Feelings

Prompt: How did they realize that they had feelings for y/n?

Characters: Katsuki Bakugo, Keigo Takami, Tomura Shigaraki

Warnings:Mild language, suggestive themes if you squint reaaaaaal hard, cannon death mention. 

A/N: ahhhhhh this is my first written post on this blog, i hope it doesnt suck too bad but dont put too much faith in me! Im not pulling from any kind of request list or anything i’m just posting a couple of prompts or requests that i would ask some other writer but i’m too shy to ask anyone else to take their time writing silly things like this out. 

Bakugo Katsuki:

For him, it was slow and quick all at once. He never really put much thought into things as pointless as romantic feelings. He had no desire to waste his time. Just like he never really intended on making friends period. They were completely useless, but he had them even though he never once lifted a finger to try. That's kinda how he feels liking you started too. He never really had to try. You were always there just… existing? Like you’d always be sitting on the couch in the lounge on your phone it wasn't anything different than what you’d do literally every day but he found himself being happy about seeing you sitting in the spot that you’d claimed as your own. He’d find himself wondering if you’d be thirsty too when he’d get himself something to drink, going ahead and getting you your favorite drink, just in case. It wasn't even anything that he actively thought about anymore. Just like how you didn't have to call out for him to slow down for you to catch up on the way to class, he’d stopped walking ahead at all, saving the time and just waiting on you to get there before setting out. The only time he really realized a difference is the odd occurrences you weren't where you normally were when you were normally there. You had to go to class early so he felt lonely on the walk although Kirishima was with him. You stayed behind to train some more with your quirk and your spot on the couch was empty so he sat in his room because there was no point in sitting in the lounge alone. If you weren't sitting with the others at lunch because you had something else to do he’d carry around that damn drink all day until he had the chance to give it to you. It was one of the days when he was carrying around a lukewarm bottle of soda, craning his neck to look for you in the halls after classes were finished for the day when he stopped himself. Why in the hell was he doing all this? Yeah, you’d do the same for him, but what's the point? He didn't even know if you’d be thirsty and the drink was too warm to drink now anyway so why was he so adamant about giving it to you? Since when did he care so much about making sure you had a drink that had way to much sugar in it anyway? Since when does it matter to him that you walk with him to class or you're lounging comfortably in your spot on the couch? It was on his mind the whole day but what tipped him off that there was something different about how he felt about you was when he actually saw you after wasting 20 minutes trying to find you. The way he physically relaxed and the stupid ass smile that pulled at his lips when your eyes lit up as saw him too, taking the drink he was offering and telling him how stupid it was for him to wait for you to finish talking to your teacher. He did all of these dumb little things because he liked to and because he liked you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Takami To be honest it didn't take much for him to realize what his feelings about you were but the fact that he had them were wild to him. At first, he thought it was just the fact that he liked how you didn't seem to bat an eye at him. How you treated him just like he was anyone else. Like he wasn't the number two hero with the weight of the world on his shoulders. You never even called him Hawks, when you first met you’d asked him his name, and that's all you ever called him. When he had bad days you’d never ask him to explain or tell him that's what he’d asked for when he signed up for the hero gig. You’d just comfort him and affirm his feelings. It was like you always knew the right thing to say even if you didn't think so. He’d always thought you were cute and when you started tripping over words or getting flustered because of his flirting or being in your personal space it was nearly unbearable how ridiculously attractive you were. The way you’d never just assume something bad about him or outright reject him made it easy for him to seek you out for comfort. Your arms quickly became a safe place for him to just unload the unnecessarily large amount of shit he had to deal with. It was like you took the negative feelings out of his mind like a sponge the moment he said anything. With a gentle stroke of your fingers across one of his feathers or a soft peck on his temple, they were gone, replaced with warm comforting thoughts about you. He didn't put much thought or energy into how he felt about you until he started catching himself thinking about one very particular thing involving you. His future. He started realizing that he didn't want to deal with anything he knew that he’d have to take care of without you being there at the end of the day for him to run to. He wanted to keep you safe and give you pretty things to see you smile. When he started looking forward to seeing you again before he even left was when he realized the extent of his feelings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shigaraki It was kind of like love at first sight for him. But love was a strong word to use when talking about anything to do with Shigaraki Tomura, the man who wants to watch the world crumble. So putting it more appropriately, you were one of the first people he’d ever met that he didn't automatically contemplate dusting as soon as he laid eyes on you. He didn't necessarily like you, he just didn't want you dead yet. He didn't get it either but that's how it was. He didn't want you dead though, which for any living thing was a start! He didn't get insanely annoyed when he’d walk into the bar and you were sitting in his chair playing on your stupid little handheld game, just slightly. Just like he didn't get super pissed with the fact that you’d find excuses to be paired up with him on missions. He knew it was because with him you’d have a lesser chance of dying but he didn't really mind, your quirk was useful too. He did get a little ticked when you’d bitch at him about taking care of himself, its not like it was any of your business anyway so he never cared to pay it much mind. What he couldn't explain though was the absolute palpable rage when he saw you captive behind Chisaki. The way he wanted to make every other living thing in a hundred-mile radius stop existing was kind of jarring. He didn't understand it and he didn't give enough of a fuck to care. The fact that a piece of yakuza shit would even consider you was enough to sign his death warrant, the death of Magne and theft of compresses arm made it worse. The only thing he could think of while you were gone was how much he fucking wished you’d walk in and ask him to beat a stupidly simple level on your game because you couldn't be bothered, or that you'd bitch about him not eating anything the last couple of days. Every second you weren't around made it all worse. The second he realized just how much he liked you was when you arrived with Toga and Jin after the whole situation was finished and they’d gotten what they were trying to get. Fuck quirk canceling bullets, he was just glad you were back alive. When you ran to him and hugged him he didn't flinch back but he almost passed out when he had to stop his hands from closing around you too. He didn't want to destroy you, everything else maybe, but never you.

[goddamnmuses-a]

Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Alright so I did this for Episode I which you can find here and then Episode II which you can find here and then Episode III which you can find here. So here’s my weird live reaction/note taking/whatever this is.. to Episode lV.

I remember this being my favourite of the original trilogy because it sets everything up and basically kick started everything but lets see if that changes when i���ve finally got through all of these. 

Also I’m just watching whatever version i can find online because I can’t be bothered to go and find my dvd of it so yeah.. whether we get weird updated version or original effects or whatever, who knows. 

All the old effects like how C3p0 looks and r2d2 are impressive. 

There wasn’t really anything in the opening crawl i felt like commenting on, no big THEY DID THAT IN THE OPENING? but i guess it’s the first one that came out so that makes sense. 

WTF did the stormtroopers use to get that door open, that was so explosive wtf.

Also the blasters are like set to 10000 and smoke is everywhere. 

How did nobody shoot the dorids?

Yooo little Ani nice suit my dude. 

Hold on, she sent a msg with r2 to go to Obiwan which for 1 howd she know he’s alive? I’m gonna presume her dad said or something and 2.. ..why not just.. go yourself? 

So when they’re set to stun a Stormtrooper can shoot someone no problem

Also we dont get enough stun weird circle blaster shots

Ohhhh she didnt go because the scan for lifeforms thing alright ill allow it

but my dude.. even so.. maybe just shoot it just in case? like.. droids exist and people know about them?

DARTH VADERS LITTLE HANDS ON HIPS! Omfg he’s like “God damn, this bitch again.”

This Vader is a sassy boy. 

I love this guy who works with Vader and doesnt mind chatting back to him. 

Loving the droids in the desert. 

R2 does not look like it would work in a desert. 

C3 like “He tricked me into going this way” stop being a lil bich. 

WOOTINI!

The crawler thingy is badass. 

I thought that was a magnet it was just a big sucky pipe. 

GONK

Oh yep theres the new effects. 

Droids sleep? I guess power saver mode. 

Wtf is that dome droid

Luke! Luuuuuke! Iconic 2 words there. Well reused for that episode of Rebels where Obiwan watches from a distance. 

Bocce.. what a classic language. 

OMG OWEN JUST LET HIM GO INTO TOSHE STATION TO PICK UP SOME POWER CONVERTERS JEEEEZ 

How is that “wasting time with friends” and not chores, going into town to get something sounds like a chore to me. 

Why did they get an atromech anyway? Like.. what’d they need the other droid for? 

C3 is a real bro lbh, if it wasn’t for him, R2 would be with the jawa still. 

Oooh oil bath. sexy. 

I wonder if people ship R2 and C3 because tbh it makes sense to me. 

Luke got an erection at the mention of the rebellion. 

Now it’s getting harder at that random blurry image of his sister. 

R2 is a cheeky lil shit. 

This is just some good home life shit. 

Dat soundtrack. 

You know what.. it’s a really nice home. 

Is it just me or is Owen dressed kinda Jedi-y. 

So is “Sand People” like the racist way to say “Tusken Raider”?

Obiwan, thats a ridiculous fucking noise. 

“Hello There” iconic. 

You know what the Prequels do add a lot to this. 

A young Jedi named Darth Vader.. im sorry.. thats just not a name. 

For someone who wants to get off the planet, Lukes like “Naa but i gotta get home”

Obiwan also just being like “You know what, fuck it here.. lets go.”

You know what as much of a bitch as that guy who gets force choked is, he’s a good actor. 

Also Tarkin yay. 

NOOOOO OWEN AND BERU! YOU BASTARDS!

I feel like he should have dropped to his knees or something there. 

That is a scary droid. 

Cool door close. 

Thats a weird ass CG droid with a hole in. 

None of the other storm troopers gonna wonder why Dave’s being weird? 

Wahey! Figrin Dan and the Model Nodes! Love that Jizz music. 

Who just ugs on the back of a bartenders shirt? Wtf Luke

Yo he didnt even pay for his drink, free drinks?

Who gets the death sentance in 12 systems and goes around bragging? 

The first arm cut off and theres all sortsw of blood which there shouldnt be because lightsabers cauterize the wound, tut tut. 

Gooood scene with Han and Obi, honestly i keep forgetting to comment because im just watching xD

Wahey! Greedo 

If we’re doing a han shot first thing.. Greedo shot first in this version and missed and then Han shot him but tbh i prefer the Han shot first.. makes him more interesting. 

Jabba looks smaller. 

Casual Boba Fett appearance. 

Yooo Poncho. My boy Cal approves. 

Fuck those weird long nose aliens. 

The Falcon looks so good. 

Get those poor guys by the Death Star laser a damn rail. 

We just cool with igniting the lightsaber in front of Han and Chewie? Chewie at least knows wtf it is.

Chewie is a badass. 

Let the Wookie win. 

WTF that isnt the lightspeed effect.. it’s like a weird blanket tunnel 

The fact they get onto the Death Star with no issue is kind of ridiculous. 

The motion of Darth Vader is kinda just.. not fitting right. 

Han just pat Chewie like hes a dog. Rude. 

Han just gets caught up in this without a choice rly. 

He just wants those sweet credits. 

Also Set Design on Star Wars is amazing. 

Leia just lounging all sexy like 

Also does she have a stain on her tit? .. Not that im looking >.>

The Jedi being called a religion is kinda weird but i guess accurate. 

This has to be the worst star to a friendship for all three of them. Chewie seems cool though. 

I also thought the trash compactor scene was earlier on in this movie than it is. 

Who the fucks voice was it that said “Thats your imagination” ? 

How the fuck are they standing if the water is that deep?

I liek the touch of the monster whos name im sure i learnt but forgot let go as if it knew the trash compactor was about to turn on, that implies it has a safe spot down there that it stays. 

Some of the voices sound off on this but ah well 

Hans already a little Handsy with Leia but i think Harrison Ford was sleeping with Carie at the time so like.. i get it. 

Obiwan just strolling about, as you do. 

I love just these giant pits with walkways with no rails. If I worked on the Death Star it’d be a nightmare for me to get around. 

“NO WAIT THEY’LL HEAR!” ...and they’re not gonna hear you shouting?

Stormtroopers just shooting the shit is the best. 

You know what with everyone being like “Wow that ships a shitheap.” I can understand why the prequels made their ships look nicer and newer. 

I love that shooting a door panel in star wars just makes it so the doors wont open at all, thats some good shit. 

Lukes as bad of a shot as a Stormtrooper. 

First little kissy incesty moment but hey it was on the cheek, universally thats fine but im sure at the time this was him setting up that Luke and Leia were gonna end up together, before he decided they were siblings. 

Vader just standing there, lightsaber already out like “Ahhh Mr.Kenobi I’ve been expecting you”

As lack luster as the chroeography is in this fight im kinda thinking of it as like, they’re reading each other, like Obiwan and Maul’s final fight. 

I don’t really know why Obiwan just chooses to die like that but heyo. 

Vader stomping on Obiwans clothes? Why? I guess because he gave himself to the force and thats the first time he’s seen that? 

I love the gunner seats moving around, idk why i just love it. 

Whats the point of the ear peices if they’re just gonna shout at each other. 

Not mentioned it until now but everyone says Leia wrong. 

They’re really harsh to Han tbf

This is like if you got an Uber to a place and then the Uber driver got pulled into a police station because you’re a terrorist and then you have a go at the Uber driver for wanting to leave after he’s got you out of there. 

Another kiss for Luke.. .. okay

I like how Biggs earlier scenes are deleted so when he shows up it’s just this random dude who somehow knows Luke

That air traffic control guy has no idea what hes doing, nobody is even in the air yet or moving, wait. 

Man X wings are cool, makes me think of Battlefronts VR mission thing where you get to pilot one and it’s the coolest VR thing ive done. 

For a space station the size of a moon you’d think they’d have enough fighters to just wipe out the rebels no biggy. 

ALSO if they know the rebel base is on that planet, why not just blow that planet up? 

YAY WEDGE

The targetting computer seems very invasive. 

Those turrets are useless. 

I would have rated it if they let that random dude blow up the Death Star.

Tarkins thinking face is beautiful. What a man, 

If Luke missed this shot, everyone knows he’s turned his targetting computer off, so they would be PISSED

RIP R2. 

HWHAT!? 

Woooo Mr.Solo. 

Well.. Well done Luke you killed a lot of people, some just trying to do a job and live their lives. 

Han, Leia and Luke all went off together all holding each other.. like.. Threesome? 

I’m sorry but after that, someones doing some fucking. 

Leia just giving her lovers, dont @ me, a medal. Thats why Chewie doesnt get one, he wasnt there for the orgy. 

R2 looking fresh. 

You know what, that is a good complete story that actually works on its own, i appreaciate that. 10/10. :P

[memorantia]

Yeah 😂👌💯

I dont know why im posting this here for God's sake I know this won't help, if anything it'll make things worse, but I have no sense of self. I hate myself, I constantly screw myself, I'm never going to know what love is like because I cant figure out how to be a fucking person. I have people in my life who care about me, but (pretty much) none of them can love me because I'm rotten hatefilled person who after being released from their own delusions of adequacy (the brief window of time where I display the few decent traits burried somewhere deep deep down) spirals into horseshit that most people just don't seem to display. I dont know whats wrong with me, I want to die but I'm too selfish to. I want so desperately to cling to life, to prove everyone looking at me and thinking about how worthless I am wrong, but I can't accept that no one cares. That this, like every other tear stained note whining about how I'm just ooooohhhh sooooo saddddd and missunderstoooood is just a plea for sanity falling on deaf ears. My own stupid fucking deaf ears. I can't escape my own horrific judgmental thoughts, I cant make a single decision without scrutinizing it endlessly. For instance, I'm doing that as I write this! I'm thinking about everyone who will see this, skim through it and think "oh that sucks get well soon", "god I dont have time for this", "who even is this", etc. And I'm thinking about the countless people who will never see this, who never think about me, who will never know I even exist. I want so badly to be more than a waste of space. Even most of my friends can barely put a finger on what is good about me. THATS BECAUSE THERES NOTHING TO PUT A FUCKING FINGER ON. Every decision I make is motivated by an invisible audience, unless you know me really fucking well, then you do get to see some honest choices of mine because I somehow have faith in myself with you. Hi, B, J, A. I love you all and I'm sorry if you see this neurotic escaped diary entry. Anyway, I have no good traits because I spend more time fantasizing about a world where I'm worth living than actually working on giving people a reason to care about me. Or accepting that people wont care about me even if I do all that, and that I need to care about myself so I have peace in just existing. But I dont even know what that's like. I can't picture just being, acting without performing. I don't want to be a character anymore, I'm so sick of the loneliness of disconnection and dishonesty. I just want to know what love and stability is like. I'm stuck in this stupid fucking chicken egg situation. Because I had a fucked up relationship with love from day one, I can't find myself worthy of love. Because I can't find myself worthy of love, I perpetuate that relationship. I just want to appreciate myself, and have that be enough. But because my own judgement is useless, even if I loved myself it wouldn't matter. But if I loved myself, wouldn't that judgement then have worth? I dont know and i cant picture a future where i do. It's easier to picture myself dead with a needle in my arm in the next four years than it is to picture myself content, moving on with life. And maybe that's how it's really meant to be. Maybe my efforts are in vain not because of self sabotage, but because God made me in a fit of creative silliness as a human embodiment of futility. Maybe I'm just an unknown cautionary tale to scare people with functioning brains out of destroying themselves. Or maybe I thought all that up because it's more entertaining than the truth of the matter. Who knows? Who cares? I sure as hell fucking do. Why else would i be posting this?

[unethicallly]

Can we just talk about TLJ for a second...

It wasn’t even that good.

I’ve always been a nerd. I’ve always liked nerdy sci-fi/ fantasy films. I know what I like, and I know what’s good. TLJ was not good.

and boy are there are many reasons why it wasn’t good.

Finn’s potential was completely wasted. They set his character up for some badassery in TFA. He betrayed the first order. Joined the fight with the resistance AND he’s force sensitive. And in TFA he’s a coward who can only redeem himself through Rose? I was legit sad when I thought he was going to sacrifice himself but like the way rose saved him was kinda dumb.

Speaking of Rose. I don’t really get her point. Finn’s love interest? They’re chemistry is forced in the movie. I’ve read fan fictions where they have better chemistry. Idk their relationship was cringe. Oh god and that kiss. Bleh.

I do not want to speak I’ll of the dead. I have loved Carrie’s roles in all of the Star Wars movies. She’s been an inspiration. But her use of the force was literally my least favorite part of the movie. Flying leia? NO! It would have been better for her but force use to be saving the resistance when they were fleeing from the First Order or something. ANYTHING BESIDES THE SPACE FLIGHT. deus ex force amirite?

Yeah and Luke. Like WTF. Luke WOULD NEVER murder his nephew. Like he would never have ever gotten that far. This is the guy who saw the good in Darth Vader for fucks sake. The writers literally took this movie and shit all over his character arc.

Holdo. You’re dumb. Waste of potential. The officers under you are there to help you. When the General was in a bacta tank you were not named dictator of the resistance. Share your plan; ask for advice.

Speaking of fuckups with Holdo. Poe. Like Finn. What was his point in this movie. He wasn’t taught a lesson. He didn’t truly help the plot. Waste of potential AGAIN.

The casino scene. WASTE OF TIME. It wasn’t even a good use of CGI. The code breaker subplot was so fucking useless. I’m sure a fucking droid could have accomplished the same damn point of the code breaker.

Snoke. Oh my god. WHY WOULD YOU RUIN A VILLIAN WITH POTENTIAL. He could have been the next Emperor. Nope he got duped by Kylo Ben. Bullshit. Fake news.

Where the fuck were the knights of ren?

Phasma. My poor dear Brienne of Tarth. When you’re given something that damn good to work with youd better use it. THIS RELATES BACK TO FINNS MISUSE. Why on earth is it Rose that has to save Finn???? Finn can save his own damn self and he deserves to overcome his oppressors.

The ice foxes are stupid. Porgs weren’t that bad.

The Ach-to training montage was a joke. Literally one of the fan favorite moments from the original trilogy was of Luke on Dagobah training with Yoda. Where’s the bonding???? Instead we got green milk (which was funny) and fish people?

Kylo fucking Ren. I love him ok. I’m reylo trash. But like you made some stupid choices. If you’re going to be the supreme leader kill hux. Seriously if you’re going to take the time to force slam him into shit and yell at each other at every turn...just kill him. If you’re the supreme leader fucking act like it.

Dont even pretend that they’re setting hux up to be the big villian next episode. He’s a fucking pissant! MISS ME WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

Best part of this show was Kylo and ren fighting Snoke gaurds. That moment single handed you made this movie not a complete piece of shit.

The ice foxes were stupid.

Rey’s parentage was a joke. THERE ARE TWO OTHER FORCE NOBODIES IN THIS movie. (Finn and casino kid) why’d you have to fuck with Rey’s backstory as well. A Kenobi x Skywalker romance finally would have been much needed.

Rian Johnson ruined the second part of this trilogy with his motherfucking fanfic. Yeah JJ played it safe in TFA but he didn’t make the majority of the fans want to strike TLJ FROM CANNON. (Don’t mistake me TFA wasn’t perfect. But it kept the original feel)

Please dear god let this trilogy be redeemed.

ANYTHING ELSE IM MISSING?????

[gaymafia]

I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT. 

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

dont know man. broken ass record. i jsut wish i wasnt alive. i just wish i never existed. and it  just feels like it gets worse  and worse and worse every day..... i odnt know . i just..... i dont want to try any more when its so worthless man. i just  dont fuckin want to and i cant do it any more, yknow... like i cant keep just.. i just cant . keep doin it.  im so tired and m so fucking sick of it all im sick of how much energy i need just to muster up to do basic tasks and even THOSE i screw them up somehow and i jsut fucking keep crying all the time, because thats the only thing i can do, and im not. im not even being fucking hyperbolic half the food in my fridge is mouldy bc i cant eat  and im weeks behind on everything and im gross and i feel sick and im tir ed and i dont . want. to do it. i dont want tokeep fucking bothering when its always jsut so worthless and ... i dont even want it man. like i dont even want to be alive. i dont want to live. its just not worth it like. even if i did accomplish something it just . . i dont fuckng care any more man it hurts too much and im too tired. why ould i want to man. why would i want to work so hard just so i can what? what is there? when everything jsut . feels like... i dont know man . i feel r eally alone. again . i dont know whats fucking wrong with me. i dont know why im just . so fucking insufferable half the time or why i cant just... do one thing right  i odnt fucking understand it and im so so tired and its just like. like why is it jsut everything all of the time. and people say not to say tht shit abt urself but i just- what else can you even say when there’s fucking nothing there, like . why .  why am i just genuinely such a fucking waste of space like i just. i fucking hate myself so much i jsut. i cant stand it any more i cant stand how fucking useless i am and i kinda get it like i just. i cant fucking stand it any more  an d part of me gets it there- i get why . nobody else can either - and i just really wanna... like kkill myself half the timenot even just to end fucking existing but. jut to fucking . rip myself apart in some fucking way  like thats half the fucking fantasy there and i dont knowman. i m being fuckin . whatever but i dont know i dont care i cant keep doing it and i dont know why i keep . tryhing to be alive when it just. its just so useless man and  i dont kno w i feel so sick i wish i could hug someone and i wish i wasnt alone but i cant because just... i dont know .  im sick of how ive spent my whole life crying and wishing tht. i feel so stupid like that intensive visit last week did nothing at all man like it did fuckin nothin but make it worse and just solidify that “yeah theres no other options for you” . they asked me do you have anyone to go to do you have anything to calm you down and i dont i wish i did if i did i wouldnt be here god damn it and its jsut so ... pointless its just so fucking pointless and gaain its just. i dont know. maybe if this was a bad spell in my life but i jsut. im so fucking tired. im sof ucking tired of being alive because its just... i dont know. i dont think a single second has meant anything. i dont think its been worthwhile and its alwyays just been... a fucking string of events, a fucking string of periods of just being told it would get better soon and . at first you believe it as a kid and get lost in the fantasy but then it just...becomes abjectly apparent..... that its just.. i dont know. i move from place to place and i try different things and i try to be different people and i try to be myself or i try anything and everything the most i can msuter but regardless i t just doesnt... it just never is worth it and it jsut feels like im always just alone and sad and existing on the fringes of communities that actually love each other but . jsut feeling iced out half the time and its again and again and again . and it just feels so pathetic crying abt the same shit i did when i was 15, when i was 10, when i was 5,  but it jsut... keeps happening over . and its getting harder and harder to try and talk to ppl as the years go on like i jst. fucking hardly can any more . just because of how rotted out i fucking feel . and so it feeds itself and it keeps happening overand over and nothing BUT that happens and the same jsut happens with the failures, and  feeling unsafe but for different reasons all of those times, and it never... gets to any place thats better, even marginally so, and its never getting to a place where any of this has been worthwhile. nothing could really be worth all ofthis stupid shit.and im just so ti red and i dont want anything out of being alive any more i dont fucking care any more  im so. sick and everything just feels so... and like its like. again with the coping strategdies i had an appointment agan today  and its just like.. the only way to manage it just . he just said time for me because i know ntohing else works because ive tried so many times but. time doesnt work either. it jsut doesnt feel like i can get over anything or heal from anything ever. it just feels like i have to wait everything out and im still miserable about it all but just... nothing ever goes right. nothin g is ever there. i cant move past it when im still just so stuck and its jsut. these stupid fucking breakdowns that keep happening, and they happen in peaks and troughs, but like. they keep happening and happening happening and theres no... theres nothing there jsut. nothing ever comes abt it and im jsut. so done man. im so done man when its not even worth it and i know like... i jsut. i dont know. i want to die and ive like long since accepted that i will kill myself but also just fucking.... ggod man. i feel so fucking stupid . i dont . i dont know i just feel so stupid fucking having lived this long and i really do jsut hate myself for letting it get to this point when i always KNEW better , i always just. knew it in the back of my head bu t i jsut... i wish it wasnt for nothing and  i just wish all this sadness meant something, that it meant something that i trie d but i just. i know it wont ever and i just. i dont know. im going to die and my parents will end up with my body and they wont even bury me under a name i like and they will fucking parade me round like they gave a shit and my flatmates will be confused and nobody else even knows i fucking exist irl and then i dont know. at least i get to disappear . i think its jsut... the pain at this point thats scaring em and i dont want to fail again, not at that, and i keep doing it i keep trying very hard to make a foolproof plan but i jsut.... cant believe in myself and im scared  that im going to cock it up like i cock it all up like. chrst man you know

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[only-one-dnp]

Oh hey it’s my time to shine!

I’ve also been struggling with adhd my entire school life and literally just got medication for it two weeks ago because my parents didnt want to deal with it!

First things first: figure out what kind of ‘learner’ you are. Which i thought was teachers being dumb, but now that i’ve figured out qhat they MEAN, it’s helpful! Basically: how do you best process information? Most tips for adhd management talk about ‘auditory learning’ (aka listening to stuff), so i guess thats a common one, but i cannot process auditory information. It sucks. I will tune it out in .3 seconds. I can process it by reading and writing it, though! (Specifically by summarising) So thats what i generally go for. Another common method is mindmaps, which i do not understand, but basically involves... writing the topic in the middle, and drawing branches coming off it with the information on. There’s also drawing images, or using flashcards!

Second: what does help you focus vs what’s a common distraction? I always listen to music, because if I dont there is eight million sounds to distract me, but i can easily tune out the songs. Also, it means that i can track when i stop paying attention to work by when i start paying attention to the songs. If social media does specifically distract you, wifi off. Though most people just get distraced by something else once they’ve done that. Maybe barricade yourself in a room on your own, if that helps? Also: what about colours? Highlighters? I can’t stand highlighters (yeah they look good, but they’re useless!) but i do colour code my ‘word im about to define’ and ‘mathematic equations’ - using red and blue respectively everytime. It means i can skim down to the relevant part when i need to. Is there anything like that for you?

Thridly: no long paragraphs or run on sentences allowed. They suck. Nothing will kill your will to do anything faster than a page full of none stop writing. I, personally, bullet point everything and try not to let them exceed 1 line a point (which isn’t always possible since i study predominantly science and sometimes the words alone take up half a line but. I try.) i know some people who just try and keep their paragraphs to a limited number of lines (eg three or four) and leave plenty of space between them. It’s less threatening that way.

Four: Legible, not neat. As long as you can read it, it’s great! Don’t fuss over it looking super perfect, because actually: that’s just a procrastination tool your brain is hiding as a Helpful Note. It’s not helpful, it’s inconveniant and wastes time. Just write the notes, and leave them looking not-so-perfect, your only priority is that you can get them all down and read them later.

Fifth: put things in context. It’s way easier to remember stuff that have even an ounce of entertainment theory than it is to remember 800 pointless facts. Personally, i like writing, so i just make up a tiny scene in my head where a character might feasibly need the information - having a use for it makes me more likely to remember it. This works better for concepts over definitions, but it does help both!

And finally: don’t stress. School isnt for everyone. Especially when your brain is wired to rebel against it. Thats okay. you’ll survive. All you can ask for is your best.

Hope this helps in some way!

everyone says to study but i. how. i dont understand. nothing i try fucking works and i never want to study so i never do. like even for important exams i just fuck around and hope for the best. ill be lucky to make any As this term or hell even this year. and we have cbas which are basically a presentation in every subject. that i have to do. in at least 8 subjects. mom help i cant do projects im so bad adhd is so shit why cant my brain work -👣

Gah, I wish I knew more about adhd! I’m throwing this one to the masses. People with adhd get on the line and tell feet how to study!

[guys-chill]

Angsty bs just skip like TW for negative talk its honestly fine

I’m getting depresso, please don’t worry, I’m ok just wanna vent. Please please fam don’t read its negative and i promise you are a bright shining star and are genuinely important to me and I love you so much please love yourself, youre amazing and mean so much to the world. I won’t ever lose faith in you.

I’ll never be good enough will I. Nothing will ever be enough. I am a failure. Useless. No one is upset, just disappointed. Its fine I am too. Yeah im fine just a lil bitch. I can’t do anything right. No one will ever love you you useless dumb piece of trash. Fuck you. You mean nothing. You waste of money, time, space. You disgust me. you make me want to vomit. You ugly horrible trash man monster. You can’t do anything right. You will never be anything, you’re stupid. Stupid. Idiot. No one loves you, you cant do anything right. You cant learn anything and they hate you. They will never love you, you will never be enough. You dumb fuck. Can’t pass the tests. Its all about the tests again, those god damn shape tests. You blame everything on them but they’re nothing like now. You were stupid then and still are, you fake bitch pulling off a passable appearance as somewhat intelligent. But you will. NEver. Be. Smart. Enough. They think little of you, you are irrelevant, nothing to make them proud. You don’t know anything except for how to be just a little too dumb. A little below the bar is close but it is not. good. enough. it will never be good enough. you know its not, everyone fucking knows its not. Below the bar is below. Nothing. Useless. Waste. Idiot. Simple. Below the best. You need to show me you know more than the other kids, you dumb fuck you will never be as good as Them. The kids we want you to be, the ones that really have a chance. Do you have a chance? You waste your time like a bastard. You make me want to vomit. They hate you they fucking hate you just learn just get good just study make the flashcards read the chapters pass out on your book only then will it be passable. Only then is it worth reconsidering the value of such a disgrace. a fool. a god damn idiot of a human. waste. stupid. And dont even get me started. you fucking moldy beefcake, jacked up with meds and you still cant do anything right. Do you know how much money that is. “We want you to get better” yes this will help yes this will make me smart yes this will make me the child you want me to be. I am worth nothing. I am a falling investment and you can’t get your money back. I am a waste and thats ok. thats fine. I will never be good enough. You dumb piece of shit cant even spell cant even type cant even listen cant even do the simplest of tasks cant even practice on the fucking fretted bass stick what are you, you worthless nothing. You repulse me. Disgusting. I hate you. You are horridly stupid and will never be enough. you cant be enough. you will never be capable of getting that far. always falling back to square one if you even move at all. up and down we fucking go, just fuckinhg do as youre told and we wouldn’t have a problem now would we you dumb bastard. you fucking simple minded olive green wrinkled paint strip. how dare you even try. you are a waste and you know it. I know it. Its clear in the numbers. the numbers don’t fucking lie. don’t fucking lie to me. they hate how much you waste. you are nothing special. you will never be good enough. never smart always one step behind. you will never be good. you will never be enough. you are not smart. you are an incompetent lazy garbage pile, just like your grades. a’s are attanable, its not hard just fucking study. study. study. just do it just listen just read your book and say nothing you are nothing if you know nothing you know nothing know nothing i hate you you stupid fuck. No one thinks youre worthy, no one will clap for your bullshit anymore. Everyone hates you you are god damn stupid, at least get a larger vocabulary if youre going to yell. shut up. you whine too much. be fucking quiet. No one likes when you cry you sound like a roller coaster, its funny. fuck your pain its irrelevant you are trash so you feel like trash. study more and you will be loved. you are of no use. you are of no use. no one needs you go die you are useless. you dumb stupid useless lazy piece of shit make me want to vomit.

[mariniacipher]

Lord of Monte Christo

Okay, so I read the, like, first five hundred pages of that HORRID book and it was a while ago, but I just remebered an im still so annoyed at that piece of garbage, so get ready for my list

The fucking sexism. Seriously, I dont care about the time period, if you think women are so unimportant? LEAVE THEM OUT OF YOUR WORK! Seriously, this girl, the daughter of a businessman, really smart, easy on the eyes, had her loverboy and a good life, apparently on good terms with her dad. So guess what her development is! Cuz we get like three chapters/sixty pages with that useless waste of space and about how her dad has to pay his debts in time. Only for her boyfriend to explain to her, that if hes nit able to pay his bills, he'll loose his credibility and lose his business. After this girl had MONTHS to worry about it, literal MOUNTHS she didnt come to that conclusion, she needed her bf to spell it out for her (in German it's even more insulting) okay, but theres more! Her decisive moment is her choosing to let her fiance to be rule her life instead of her dad. Thats it. I just.... im done

Racism! Isnt it great if you always wanted a Black slave and see that a guy played voyeur and is supposed to be killed for that? And he's black? Yay! So, because OUR HERO always wanted a mute slave, he let policeman in that city do that, only to Then rescue the Black Guy and have his undying loyalty and obedience. Really. And the guy knows it, our hero brags about it at dinner with some other aristocratic jerkface. And that's all the character he gets. He probably dies somewhere

Jews! Dont need to differentiate, theyrevall the same! Who cares if you talked to two different people or only one? I sure dont, cuz its jews and theyre all the same, right? (Note heavy sarcasm)

The fucking characterizations. Seriously, five hundred pages in and I still had no real grasp on any characters in this CHARACTER DRIVEN narrative. Like, I should be able to understand a character I spend pretty much five hundred pages with, but no. He has no character I could think of. He was naive and optimistic at first, but then??? Hes in prison and gets taught by this Italian guy (I liked him. He had the most personality) and is apparently a genius and learns like, all the languages, and learns maths and science and poetry and what not, but... I still dont understand him. You'd think in novel whise first half is about this guys fifteen (?) Years in solitary confinement wed get some introspection and a solid character. You know, you sympathize with them and understand them, but know their quest for revenge is tearing them apart, and it breaks your heart because they were never meant to live like that, and they are maybe proud and vengeant, but scarred by their past or whatever. But nope. I couldn't name one character trade if you pressed a gun to my face. Hes the perfect human (yknow, excerpt for being an ass, anti-Semitic, racist, sexist, an ass)

The fucking protagonist. I dont even remeber his name, that's how forgettable he is! I forgot it even DURING READING THE BOOK. Thats NOT supposed to happen. and this is mostly about how this ass lets everyone cater tobhis wishes and rever him like hes fucking Jesus while he enjoys watching people Die. He freAking loves it, no joke. I would say more, but, again, he has no real character

The treatment Mercedes gets. So, mercedes is the boyfriends fiancee, the lad gets dragged away right before their wedding and she never finds out what happens. If hes alive, dead, free or imprisoned, or even why he was taken. So, she waits for him, for years. And only after years of waiting, without ever even considering another man, she goes with her best friend, a rich, powerful general, even though she doesn't really love him, because she's tired of waiting, or of living. She seemd suicidal, but characters are hard to see. And she educates herself, like hell, she is smart as fuck (and beautiful. Our protag was worriedvin the beginning that someone else would marry her, cuz shes so pretty, even if shes poor af) so yeah, she educates herself, bears a son, has a good life-but she seems unhappy, the exposition character tells us. She always seems melancholic and unhappy, like she would wish she was sonewhere else. Guess what our protag thinks. His fiance, a beautiful and clever young woman, waited years for him to come back, only to give in after yearsvof solitude and waiting, and marry her best friend, who loves her more than anything. She goes on, learning, bearing a son, always guilty, always sad and melancholic. Guess what our protag thinks? RIGHT! Shes a dirty whore and betrayed him and is just as bad as those men that set him upbto rot in jail for more than a decade. Yeah. Cuz how dare a woman live on her life. How dare a beautiful, clever young woman marry and try to be happy. How dare the person he claims to love most, try to be happt whithout HIM. Seriously, I dont care about the time period, tiu shouldn't want the person you love most to jump off a cliff cuz youre gone. Thats sick. And you shouldn't invade their homes to haunt them and guilt them. Yes you suffered, no that wasnt okay, but let people go on! She caref for your sick dad even years after you disappeared, she is not a bad person! Fuck, if anything, tell her everything and give her a choice! Or at least give her your blessing! Fucks sake

Okay, that was it, pretty much. Dont read this book, it's a waste of space, paper and time.

Im outta here

[ellebeebee]

2.537

Part Seven

Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six

Phrixus Jaril, 13, moves to the Citadel at a delicate age: namely, the peak of his teenage angst. He doesn’t expect much from these rich Citadel kids. But then he meets the Ryder twins, and all their friends, and realizes that he may have been a wee bit wrong about things. His relationship with Mira Ryder evolves over the years, and he never expected things to end up the way they did.

2970 words, Female Ryder|Sara Ryder/Original Male Turian Character, teen rating

AO3

-

He hadn’t really gotten to know Jyra Kraetoq, of the lower Citadel wards, during basic. And two months into advanced training, he still knew jack-all about her. He and Ruq tended to include her at meal times and in down time, because they came from the same basic squad. And they were usually in the same fire team. But the most they’d gotten her to say about herself was that she could probably infiltrate any system of ductwork, felt strongly that anyone not carrying at least two sidepieces and knives was asking for it, and didn’t believe in eating meat. Even the vat-cloned “meat” that was so often a camp staple.

She was okay, though. Good with tech and a pistol.

He never saw Kraetoq after training; last he’d heard, she had a post out near geth space– some joint op with both Alliance and Flotilla forces cleaning up leftovers from the Battle of the Citadel. Ruq, unfortunately, stuck to him like varren shit. Some years after boot camp, they met again at the fringes of the Attican Traverse. Slaver hunting. But even without meeting up with Ruq again, he recalled these two in particular because they gave him some advice he should have listened to. Sure, Kraetoq went through partners like tp, and Ruq was so dense he’d have someone sticking their mandibles straight up into his before he realized they were interested– but still. You see the splinter in someone else’s eye better than the log in yours or whatever.

During one evening’s free time, most of their squad and the other squads in the company were in the rec room. Kraetoq had stood from the table she, Phrixus, and Ruq had been sitting at.

She whistled at him. “Jaril. Latrine.”

Feet propped on the table top, Phrixus looked up from his omnitool. “Take a female.”

They (meaning everyone under sergeant rank) had to walk around the camp in pairs, usualy male-male and female-female, but in cases of male-female you took three. One male, two females or one female, two males. It was kind of a pain in the middle of the night when someone had to pee really bad and had to wait on someone to wake up and stop cursing you for waking you up.

“I could make the obvious joke here,” Kraetoq drawled. “But let’s just save time and go already.”

He didn’t feel like arguing, so he dropped his feet and shoved at Ruq, napping on the table with his head in his arms. Ruq grumbled some but got up anyway. A short walk later, the two of them leaned against the wall outside the female latrine, Ruq half falling asleep again and Phrixus with his mandibles deep in his tool.

And his head was still mired elsewhere when Kraetoq came out, and the other two were halfway down the hallway.

“Jaril,” Ruq called.

He looked up, and pushed off the wall. And when he followed after them, and passed by them, Ruq got sneaky and shot out a hand to grab onto his wrist. Jerking, he whipped Phrixus’s hand around so that he could look at the omnitool, too.

“I’m not gonna forget you–” he read out loud. He whistled. “How darling. Romantic, even. How much did you pay the guy to write all this for your sour ass?”

Quicker than Ruq could react, Phrixus flicked him sharply on the forehead with his free hand.

“Shit–”

“Dumbass,” he told Ruq.

His hand returned to him, he turned off his omnitool. He’d been browsing through his old message logs. The people in them almost felt like… strangers. At what point had they stopped writing to each other like that, like… Their feelings were so easy to admit. To just spit out. It hadn’t even been a year since he’d written that line Ruq used, but it felt like a lifetime.

The three of them walked back to the rec area with Ruq shrilling about the mark Phrixus probably left. Kraetoq glanced at him. At the face he was making.

“Trouble in paradise?” she asked.

He glanced at her. Shrugged. “My girlfriend. Lately she’s… acting like a damn princess. I’m here, busting my ass, and…” He shrugged again. “It’s just hard to talk to her lately.”

They dropped into their old seats. Propped their feet up again. And Kraetoq didn’t say anything, so he thought the subject was dropped. But then she cleared her throat.

“Maybe she’s acting like a princess because she is one? Maybe every girl is a bit of a princess. Just some don’t get the chance to act like it.”

He looked at her. And shrugged and rolled his eyes because he was a damn idiot and thought she was complaining about having to nag them about walking her to the latrine, and not that she was saying something he should have really heard.

He should have been worried when Mira started going out again. Since the move to the dorms, Forta had decided to cut the drinking and work on lifting and his overall fitness. Of course, the timing and the amount of enthusiasm he threw into this should have worried Phrixus for an altogether different reason. Mira, though, went back to sneaking out with Aela and all the old suspects back home. He’d thought at first it was her just going back to things like normal. But then at some point she and Aela got bored of all the same old house parties.

[mira] soooo

[phrixus] yeah

[mira] me n aela have been up to no good

[mira] ;D

[phrixus] do i really want to hear this

[mira] yesss

[mira] you do

[mira] so u kno how ur csn is tied to ur face recs and thats how you get id’ed for bars and stuff

If at any time you are a citizen of Citadel space, you receive a constantly updating three-dimensional face scan that will be associated with a Citadel Space Number and your various specs. This information is stored with various police and government databases, which vendors of regulated goods and services are required to access before selling to you.

[phrixus] yeah…

[mira] well, we met this asari who knows someone that will program a jump in scanner software when your face is scanned so it looks like you’re legal

[mira] its expensive

[mira] but i think its worth it

[phrixus] mira

[phrixus] are you for real right now

[mira] what

[phrixus] you’re planning on going to bars and clubs

[phrixus] you’re a kid

[phrixus] you know that’s fucking dangerous

[phrixus] there are creeps out there

[mira] yeah i know

[mira] we’re not going to be stupid about it

[mira] whats with you

[mira] you used to be into this stuff

[phrixus] well maybe i just have my priorities straight

[mira] and i dont?

[phrixus] you’re failing half your classes, you skip too much, all you really seem to care about anymore is partying

[phrixus] you’re not even going to the gun ranges or the arena

[phrixus] and aela just keeps making it worse

[mira] you dont know anything

[mira] aela has been there for me

[mira] she actually listens to me

[mira] not like you anymore

[mira] you used to give a shit about my life

[mira] now im lucky if you even send a message once a day

[mira] you used to tell me things

[mira] now i dont know anything about what youre doing

[mira] or how you are

[mira] youve changed and i dont even know you anymore

[phrixus] you think i wanted it like this

[phrixus] im here because its my responsibility

[phrixus] im doing my duty and i dont have all the fucking time in the world to answer every message

[phrixus] especially all this crap about how hungover you are or whining about how expensive your fake id will be

[phrixus] im here doing real work in the real world

[phrixus] not like you and aela out in la la land over there

[phrixus] im getting my life together not fucking wasting it

[mira] no youre not youre just being an asshole

[mira] maybe everyone was right about you

[mira] youre not shy or misunderstood or whatever

[mira] youre just a selfish jerk

[mira] you have no idea how to care about anyone other than yourself

[mira] and i bet none of this is new

[mira] youve always looked down on me

[mira] youre just a fucking emotional leech

[mira] but dont worry i wont bother you again with my screwed up life

-

They didn’t talk for two weeks.

He had never been angry at anyone, had never been angry at her in this way before. He’d never been hurt in this way.

He aced an impromptu fire and movement drill, earned praise from the company’s captain. He memorized all of the regs concerning the movement of refugees from an unsecured location to a secured location. He learned how to properly fire heavy artillery, and how to decimate an air raid with a dazzling firework display.

All the while pretending to not think about it. All the while stewing.

He felt like shit.

He ignored calls from home, from his moms and his old friends. All the messages. He told no one about the fight. Maybe he thought if he kept quiet, it would cease to exist. Just be erased from the history of the universe if no one could remember it.

But him ignoring it wasn’t going to erase the logs in his omnitool, or make her forget.

He just felt like shit.

When did things get so bad? How could it have been, just a year ago, that he felt there was no one who knew him better, that he trusted more, and then that same person turned into a stranger? Someone he couldn’t understand, someone who he couldn’t confide in or vice-versa? How the fuck was it possible that someone you’d shared a bed with– the only person you’d touched or touched you could turn into… an enemy?

And what was it in him that just… could do nothing to help her. Her mother was dying. And he couldn’t do anything. He hadn’t been able to comfort her, say anything of significance for her. He was useless.

If he were honest, and not trying to forget the whole thing, he’d have to admit he didn’t have much right to criticize her.

Where did the trust get broken? Where did the understanding go? Where did that warm afternoon air go, sliding down their bare backs? Where did the quiet rustling as they shifted closer go? And her smile– when was the last time he’d made her smile?

That hit some deep spot in him, some horribly tender place that wasn’t protected by plates or armor. A place he’d been trying to ignore, all this time at camp.

He pretended to forget for two weeks before he ended up wide awake after lights out, laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. He was running on several nights of staring up at the ceiling instead of sleeping, and yet, here he was. Awake. Pretending.

Phrixus pushed up an elbow and glanced down from his top bunk. Everyone was out. In the hall outside, he couldn’t hear the boots of the patrolling fire watch. They were supposed to report anyone out of bed, but even if they caught him only brown-nosing assholes ever snitched on fellow trainees.

Silently, he slipped down the ladder. He dug his omnitool out, climbed back up, and pulled up the covers to block some of the light.

He sent a message to Mira. And waited. And waited. The air filters in the barracks room clicked at rapid rhythm every few hours. It wasn’t too loud, just sort of softly angry and stuttery. Could wake you up though, and you wouldn’t realize it was the filters. You’d get spooked and feel like something was sitting on your chest. He sent another message.

And he waited and waited.

[phrixus] We need to talk.

[mira] oooo cap

[mira] s

[mira] pucntion

[mira] ooooooo

[mira] u dontwnt to tallk tome

[phrixus] Have you been drinking?

A very long pause. He turned his omnitool’s light off when he heard the passing of the fire watch.

[phrixus] Where are you?

[mira] purgatory

[phrixus] Mira.

[mira] stop

[mira] dont

[phrixus] Who’s with you?

[mira] y do u caer

[phrixus] I’m messaging Aela.

[mira] no

[mira] y not alk me

[mira] im drunk im nt stupid

[mira] im the one u shld tallk to

[mira] but u dont

[mira] u nnever

[phrixus] im sorry

[mira] yeah

[mira] metoo

[phrixus] you wanna vid talk?

[phrixus] mira?

[phrixus] mira

He waited a while. And waited. Tried her again. Then he tried Aela.

[phrixus] hey are you with mira

[aela] yeah

[aela] we’re leaving purgatory now

[aela] try her tomorrow or something

[phrixus] ok

[phrixus] how is she

[aela] look, i’m the last person you want to ask about this

[aela] i’m not gonna pull punches

[aela] and i don’t want to make it worse

[aela] just talk to her tomorrow

-

So he skipped lunch the next day and messaged her. Wedged into the corner between two auxiliary buildings, having snuck his omnitool into his waistband in the morning. The electromagnetic barrier of the fort’s biodome buzzing distantly overhead. As answer, she vid called him back.

He was in fatigues, unbuttoned to the waist. The dome protected from a great deal of heat, but it was still much hotter out of doors.

She stared at him, out of the QE data transmission, tinged in hologram blue. In her dorm, sitting on a bed not so different from the one he used now. The plain, nondescript walls not so different from the ones in the barracks, yet hers papered with photo screens and posters. The cushions at her back the same from her old room. Her face was a mess, like clan markings done with cheap paint in a downpour, and she wore a wrinkled and disheveled dress he’d never seen before. Her hair was pulled back carelessly.

“Hey,” she said, small and quiet.

“Hey,” he said.

He could hear the distant rhythm of a jogging company. Even farther out, the sharp cracks of the range.

“You okay?” he asked.

Her eyes shot down, her jaw working. She shook her head.

“I don’t– I need to say something,” she said. “I said some stuff I shouldn’t have the last time we messaged.”

“I did, too–”

“Wait. Just, wait. I’m sorry. You’re not that type of person I said you were. But I also said some things I should’ve a while ago. Things haven’t… they haven’t been the same… Phrixus.”

He waited, holding his mandibles rigid. He watched the slide of her eyes to some spot away from him, and the working of her throat.

“I’m sorry,” he managed. “Mira, I’m sorry. I’ve been terrible. You’re nothing like… and I haven’t been there for you, I know. But I’ve been– worried about you.”

She hesitated, nervous hands going to push away a stray curl that wasn’t there. “I’m glad. I mean. I know I haven’t been making great choices. But I mean… I just wanted… some fun and– and you know, I’ve been worried about you, too. I don’t have any idea how you’re feeling anymore.”

“Yeah,” he said, subvocals dipping. “I know.”

“And I’m sort of tired of just… waiting for some bit of your time. I feel like I’m just a distraction for you.”

“You’re not– you’re not. But… I’m sorry. I just need, well, space. I really just can’t spare the same amount of time…”

“I know.”

Then she looked up properly, at the rigidity in his face. Her eyes shone. She inhaled, the sound trembling, in her throat.

“Phrixus, I think– I think this just isn’t working anymore. Things aren’t the same.  And we both– I think we both need to focus on other things.”

The voice of some sergeant out in the yard spread out over the compound, echoing like a sergeant’s voice does, but wordless and unemotional and hard. An unintelligible dressing down of some group of teenagers.

“I…” he needed to reply, but his voice was skittering away from him. “I think… you’re probably right. I guess we should just– break up…”

She stared up at him. Her voice was so small and tight. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

-

He felt… relief for a while. Relief that the pressure and responsibility of the relationship was over. That he didn’t have to come back to his bunk with a backlog of messages to catch up on.

But then the guilt set in. Had they just given up? Should he have tried harder, done more. How could he have said the things he did. This wasn’t just anyone.  This was her. And she had needed him, and he hadn’t been there.

And then the pain set in. Like the story Lieutenant Gratarian had told them on simulation; there are times when soldiers get cleaved in two, and they’re dead, they just don’t realize it yet. But they keep talking, still trying to get help. But they’re dead, and they’ll feel it soon.

All the things he remembered, all the things they’d shared– it got into that deep and tender spot. Turned into this black blemish that never seemed to go away. He could forget about it. But sometimes something (some scent that reminded him, some shift in another’s form) would touch it, and light that tender spot on fire.

But what they’d said still remained.

Maybe it was for the best.

He could focus on training, and she could work things out, figure out the thing in her that was hurting.

Time passed. He didn’t try to make up or restart things, and neither did she.

And they moved on.

[georgielou-50913]

a sad questionnaire

What do you wish was different?

My life. I wish things had turned out different, I wish my family wasnt so against me, i wish i wasnt so damaged, i wish i was a better person. i wish everything about my life was different, just not him. he is perfect. he is the ONLY thing keeping me alive, keeping me going. but god i wish things were different.

What’s the hardest part about that?

things cannot change. i am too damaged, and unless you can bring back my little girl i will never be able to feel any different. so im better off dead yeah? things could be a little different if i didn't live here. but thats not going to change for a very long time.

Are you thinking about anything bad that might happen?

so many things? so work hasnt been greatly lately i havent been getting the hours i need. my nan (who i live with) has basically told me if i cant pay the rent ill be homeless. my boyfriend has a big family and stays with his parents so theres nothing they can do for me, they dont have the room. i couldnt pay my rent last month, and i dont know if im going to be able to this month either. i cant afford to live in my own place nor can i make that decision because i dont know if ill ever be able to pay the rent. i am not getting any work, no where near enough. not even 200 quid per month. last month i earnt 140 quid, i get paid by the hour and theres no work. im trying so hard to find a new job but its not that easy anymore. shes making my life hell every single day and there is nothing i can do. if im homeless i will just throw myself off a bridge.

What was the sad bit there for you?

being stuck in this house, that i cannot change, being spoken down to every day, all day. getting inside my head telling me how useless and worthless i am, basically i was better off dead.

What are you thinking might go wrong here?

as above..... im going to become homeless, if not this month then next month? i cant pay everything, im in debt. i cant even pay my phone bill. i cant afford to pay anything, nothing at all. my boyfriend helped me last month and left himself in further debt. i cant do that to him, he cant afford to keep us both going when he sis struggling to keep himself going. 

What else has happened that makes this worse?

my uncle recently went into hospital, and me and luke did absolutely everything we did to help him and my nan, but now that luke has no money and is running on barely any petrol.. i said i may not be able to help for a while and basically this has caused a huge storm at home for me, she will not allow my boyfriend in the house anymore and is basically ruining my life now, coming into my room several times a day to rip the shit out of me, reminding me every hour how much she hates me and i feel like im stuck in an incredibly bad emotional abusive relationship and there truly is no way out, im already stressed as it is, i keep breaking into tears all the time. i didnt say i WOULDNT help i just said that it was going to be a bit harder, i didnt deserve the way she spoke to me or the way she is treating me, especially luke.

Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just feel upset?

i think ive explained all that above. basically its a neverending thing of talking down to me and telling me how worthless i am and im fat, and stupid, and selfish, and evil and mean, i am better off dead. why was i even born? to suffer? why me.

What is the worst thing about that?

the worst thing is its my own nan who is making me feel this way. the one lady i have looked up to my whole life and would do anything for. and she is making me want to die.

What else is hard about that situation?

its put a lot of strain on all my other realtionships, i have tried to break up with luke on several occassions when that isnt even what i want to do. that is not what i want i just dont want him getting mixed up in all this situation. im trying to protect him aswell. but i dont want him to see me this way, ive lost my appetite i dont want to eat, im letting myself go completely i could just sleep all day, sleep forever.

Do you feel more sad/hurt/angry/worried about that or some other feeling?

ive suffered depression most of my life anyway but i always fight it you know? this time i cant shake it, ive been suffering for months and its getting worse, with a strong history of self harming i havent resorted to that yet, but its becoming more and more appealing, and this time ive relied more on alcohol than hurting myself, because self harm is only short term relief, alcohol lets me forget for the whole day and i can relax.  i just dont think im going to break it this time.

Are you worried about people thinking this?

i dont really have anyone to talk to, i dont want lukes family thinking im a bad influence for him to be with, although they say they are there to listen, especially his sister, i dont want to be a burden and i dont want to vent all this on them, i dont want advice. i dont want help. well i do.... but what can they really do to help me? i have to be careful of what i write on social media.... i am not attention seeking, more like a cry for help.

On a scale from 1-10, how worried/upset/mad/scared/hurt are you about this?

10. .....way more than 10.. i want to die.

 Okay, so how about compared to this other thing?  What is worse 

both the fear of being homeless and the constant abuse im getting by staying here. the fact of me being stuck in this house being told every day all day how worthless i am, is the worse, its classed as emtoional abuse, making someone want to die is bad. i dont know if she realises this is what she is doing. i cant really compare. not knowing whether im going to be homeless at the end of the month is terrifying, where will i go?  i cant say which is worse, because both are as bad as eachother.

When you aren't busy/when you are lying in bed at night - what are the things that make you most upset?

not knowing whether im going to get work the next day, wondering if its going to be enough. wondering whether tomorrow will be easier, i share a room with my nan so i get constant abuse right from the minute i wake up to the second i fall asleep. its neverending.

Is there anything about this you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

the fact that my own nan is ruining my life? tearing me apart. ripping my heart into pieces... ashamed. yes.

What are the some of the things you're worried people might be thinking about you?

i dont want her to tell people that i was selfish, i never said i wouldnt help. we have done so much for the past couple weeks, and before. she is making it sound like we did nothing, and that all we cared about was money, she barely gave us anything, and what she did was purely for petrol because we have absolutely no money atall... so its been incredibly hard. we did these things because we wanted to help. and shes thrown it all back in our faces. i cant forgive that. but now she tells people that i am selfish, that i did nothing to help. that i did not want to help and this was not the case atall.

How often are you feeling upset about it?

it doesnt go away, when i have her constantly reminding me all day that i am a worthless useless horrible evil nasty fat useless waste of space. it doesnt end. i am getting worse.

What do you wish you could change about yourself in all of this?

i wish i could be as special as my sister, she is so proud of her. i wish she could of been proud of me too, i made some mistakes in life, and i pay for them everyday. i wish you could be proud of me too. thats all i ever wanted to hear from you, not how you wish youd never adopted me into your home.

What makes you feel a bit better about all of this?

having luke by my side.

What's the most frustrating part of it all?

I cannot defend myself with the way she talks to me, because if i do id get thrown out in seconds. then what do i do?  Ive also badgered on at my boss to give me more work, explained my situation and all they say is there is no more work to give me. ive been applying for other jobs for months and had a few interviews but its just not worked out. i dont know what else to do.

What do you think people don't understand about this?

there is only so much you can push someone. and i am at the very end, i speak to people but they just tell me to either ignore it or find another job. no it is not that fucking simple! how do you ignore someone who is constantly in your face reminding you of how shit you are every single day.

What would make this a little better?

if i could move into lukes house, he tells me if i become homeless that would happen, but i dont think he is right, his parents have already said theyd love to take me in but there genuinely is no room.  i just want to get away fromt this place.

What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of this?

well i have another week till payday, that is the day i find out my fate i suppose. am i going to be homeless again..

When was the last time you cried about this?

today, ive lost count how many times ive cried today, cried myself to sleep last night, ive been crying everyday.

What helps you cope?

tumblr, online games, working, music, tv shows, anything to occupy myself. but its all short lived.

What times of day are the hardest for you?

the times im not working, today i have absolutely no work at all so i have t be stuck here all day listening to abuse. tomorrow i will be working in the morning then again tomorrow evening, then ill be staying at lukes house this weekend and ill be working over the weekend so ill not have much time to think about it. but during the day is the hardest. because i have to just endure it. waiting for the time to pass. tomorrow ill only have a few hours here.  but ive still gotta get through the night.