#LIKE. wots going on here. This is absurd

[mummer]

a good man goes to war probably the Most doc who episode of all time. The epic highs and lows of moffat. it’s possible that trying to combine your screwball high flying funky star wars homage episode with your self serious very important character and plot development episode is stupid and does not work… or maybe it does? But of course combined with one of the most insanely dumb plot reveals of all time, to have ever happened on this earth. But also karen gillan acting down. But also… flesh baby. Look how they impregnated my girl literally probably the most fucked up and evil thing to happen to a companion like whatttt is this? BUT ALSO THE INTRO OF VASTRA AND JENNY AND STRAX. But also flesh baby…..Unless flesh baby is secretly awesome? im coming around to flesh baby. But also amy trapped in a well george lucas gave his girls more agency in the 70s moffat you freak. Is this episode legendarically terrible is it Really cool and awesome and ambitious and doing the most all the time are there themes. Can we unpack this. No. Like it’s literally all in service of some stupid bullshit really.. But what if it wasnt

[forgot-how-catflap-works]

Hot take: Sisyphys got a sweet deal

We must imagine Sisyphus happy, according to existentialist philosopher Albert Camus. It’s one of his hottest and most widely known takes. The idea that when confronted with the meaninglessness of his existence, condemned for all eternity to push a boulder up a mountain only for it to roll back down, dear old Sisyphus may find contentment. What other choice does he have after all? 

(Showing my age here with the rage face meme and will not apologise #MillenialPride)

The assertion is that we mortals are faced with a similar conundrum. Life is unpredictable, chaotic, and frequently terrifying. With nothing but the infinite void to look forward to, how are we to spend our days? Either we embrace religion and pray for eternal salvation, skip the queue to the void by killing ourselves because it doesn’t make any difference in the end, or laugh at the absurdity of it all and find joy in the simple act of being here. It is up to us to create our own meaning. 

On my good days this notion provides me a lot of comfort, and links in nicely with the zen buddhist idea that this moment is the only thing we truly have. So the take home is to embrace it, and live fully for the moment. It’s all very Dead Poets Society or, if you’re like me and have never seen that film, the B plot in Season 1, Episode 3 of Community.  In the immortal words of Professor Whitman, “Seize the day Jeff, for real. Go running naked in a hailstorm, kiss a girl in the middle of the day, fly a kite but do it for yourself! Or you wot just fail my class, you’ll fail life.” 

On my bad days however, I’m just salty about it. Suddenly the pressure to create my own meaning in the limited time I have becomes crippling to the point of paralysis. Every moment not spent living my best life is a moment wasted. I move steadily towards the grave, the years ahead steadily becoming fewer than those behind. What have I achieved with these dwindling hours, these precious days in which I am burdened to create my own meaning? I’ll tell you what I’ve done; play RuneScape and be depressed.

The problem with transferring this thinking from Sisyphus to a human living under late stage capitalism in the 21st century, is that Sisyphys didn’t have to go to a fucking job everyday. All he had to do was push a boulder! All day! Piece of piss mate. 

What I wouldn’t give to just push a boulder all day. No laundry, no dishes, no reletenlessly targeted advertising and no more fucking work emails or meetings. I bet Sisyphys never once had a melon-related panic attack in the fruit aisle of Aldi. On top of that, pushing a massive boulder to the top of a mountain is an incredible workout. Right now I have to drive nearly 30 minutes to go and sweat in a leisure centre while strangers grunt in my periphery. Give me the boulder any day. I want that head empty, no thoughts, brain scampled egg life baby. Release me from the curse of my own self-awareness. 

Okay, I get it that Albert Camu grew up in poverty, survived tuberculosis, and lived through the Second World War. I readily admit that my “melon crisis” doesn’t stack up in comparison.  All I’m saying is, it’s pretty easy to imagine someone happy when they are free from the mountains of bullshit that besiege us every single day. I am completely overwhelmed by the mere act of existing under capitalism. The sheer number of decisions I have to make every single day just to get from one end to the next breaks my autistic brain. I can’t handle it, didn’t ask for it, and I certainly don’t want it. But surely we could do literally anything else? 

I know it’s sort of laughable to say, “Let’s all go back to a simple, agrarian existence where we live off the land and chill by a waterfall smoking phat blunts.” Like, obviously that sounds a thousand times better than what we’re doing now, but short of a catastrophic societal collapse and then thousands of years of recovery, that’s not going to happen. Did you know it (sort of) takes six months and over $1,500 dollars to make a single chicken sandwich from scratch? Sustaining a single human life requires an incredible amount of work. 

There are so many of us, and we’re so connected and interdependent on each other as a species. No organism on the planet comes close to what we have built for ourselves and it is an amazing feat by every conceivable metric. But what is it all for? Have we ever once as a civilisation stopped and asked ourselves why we’re doing any of this? 

For whatever reason, we are apparently limited in our conception of all that remains possible. A civilisation disjointed and misaligned, adrift on this rock hurtling through space at mind boggling speeds, confronted with the meaninglessness of it all and refusing to collectively acknowledge it for even a moment. 

It’s like we’re still locked in that primordial stage of evolution, where we must accrue resources to survive the harsh winter and outlive our rivals. When we predominantly existed as smaller bands or tribes, that made a lot of sense. But now we are a single connected superorganism, our sense of competition is squarely in opposition to our sense of collaboration. 

We broadly recognise the need to collaborate in tackling existential threats like climate change, yet our primal competitiveness sees us knee jerking our way back towards fascism. It’s like we’ve gone to the doctor about a backache and they prescribed a dozen hungry tigers to be administered immediately. We’re still acting as though there is not enough to go around, when there is in fact plenty; it has just been misallocated. I am left always wondering why? What do we have to gain from eating ourselves alive?

I cannot help but think it comes from a petulant refusal to collectively acknowledge the void. We struggle desperately for meaning, to leave a legacy, but forget that it is impossible. Even those who live on in infamy after their death will one day perish from the collective consciousness. Our sun will die, all heat will fade from the universe until it is nothing but a barren, lifeless waste. No tower you build or lineage you foster will outlast that. Yet we sit watching helplessly as oligarchs and plutocrats rail against their own mortality to catastrophic and destructive consequences for the rest of us. I suppose in the long run, that doesn’t really matter though does it? 

We have made a home for ourselves in the belly of a vast, insatiable beast. A beast so hungry for our blood and labour that it stifles anything that cannot be effectively comodified. How are we to find happiness and peace under such conditions? It is simply not a priority. 

To quote folk punk band AJJ: 

This is no exaggeration, we're living in a death machine

And no, it's not just your imagination

You've been living in a death machine

Some of us are passengers, and some of us are driving

Almost everybody's getting bled to death to keep the motor running

Sisyhus at least is free from its roiling guts, and in that freedom it is not difficult to imagine him happy. For the rest of us, it takes a little more effort and a lot more work. 

[alphacentaurinebula]

WOT - Lan's storyline

I have been loving WoT s2 and feel like overall the changes they've made have been for the better. But of course I'm now going to spend ages talking about the small bit of it I DON'T like (cough, fandom), because there is one element I am really not enjoying and that is Lan's storyline.

I really like Alanna and her warders in the show (she was very much not my fav character in the books) and I enjoyed the chance to see into their world more in Ep 4 (when we saw their lives together, their relationship, Alanna's family...). I liked the insight into this different warder dynamic. And i just super love Maksim. If we had 15 episode seasons, this would feel like a brilliant way to enrich the storyworld and secondary characters.

But given how much story they are packing in for everyone else, and how little time we actually HAVE in 8 episodes, this whole plotline has just felt like treading water/wasted time.

I don't feel like we've learned anything interesting about Lan, in the way Moiraine's storyline has been filled with both character revelation and backstory. He's broody? I think we knew that already. He's not into threesomes? Disappointing for Future Nyneave, but not exactly crucial information here!

And also Lan is just like...so dumb? Everyone and their mother understands how Moiraine got around the 3 oaths to say she didn't see them as equals. I get it, he's hurt, but...dude! And I've seen complaints (from book readers) that it was wrong of Alanna et al to accuse Lan of being a darkfriend because of his background, but that is rubbish. This world is set up so that literally no one above suspicion of being a darkfriend. It makes sense they'd be suspicious of him.

Which makes it even more ABSURD that he isn't suspicious of them, and instead just blurts out this MASSIVE secret about the Dragon Reborn. I know the Alanna squad set themselves up as not dark friends by accusing Lan, but that could have been manipulation! He's ridiculously trusting to tell them about the dragon reborn.

I know he's pissed with Moiraine and doesn't understand her plans or trust her as he once did...but this revealing of a secret they'd worked 20 years for, just seems...really flipping DUMB!

I know loads of people love Lan in the books but I find him super boring and basically only care about him and his fate because I love Nyneave so much. I really wish we weren't wasting screen time on him and a pointless plotline in a season where everything else is working so well.

[markantonys]

you're watching my lady jane?! i LOVE that show so much, i started it bc i was bored and ended up bingeing the whole thing in about two days (and now i want to do a rewatch lol). it's fantastic 😊

yes!!! i finished it the other day! i could've easily done it all in a day or two but i kept making myself wait to savor it longer haha from the scattered promo/ads i saw beforehand, i thought it might fall more on the cringey side for me and not jive with my sense of humor, but i couldn't have been more wrong! i don't remember the last show where i literally Laughed Out Loud as often as i did with this one - i love how self-aware it is of its own absurdity and how it fully leans into the cringe and ridiculousness, that's exactly what makes it hilarious instead of cringey. it's unhinged in the best way!

also the main romance was genuinely SO good which i was not expecting! arranged-marriage-to-real-love is one of my favorite tropes, and they knocked it out of the park. the actors had excellent chemistry and both did a great job balancing comedy and drama.

and the side characters are all fantastic across the board. frances is THE supreme milf of all time if you ask me, i'm always a huge sucker for the Manipulative Matriarch archetype and she is just fantastic. and she gets a boytoy to boot! just after rand/selene in WOT s2 made me go "goddammit, we need more older woman/younger man romances around here." excellent! and rob brydon who plays lord dudley is the host of "would i lie to you?" which i have loved for several years, so i absolutely lost my shit when he showed up in this scripted show playing a character djdkfjg and he was hilarious in the role! mary made me genuinely angry, which is the sign of a good villain lmao and my sweet edward and elizabeth! and susannah! my only criticism of the show is i wanted 200% more susannah. (susannah/jane/guildford polycule, you heard it here first. jane has 2 hands!)

actually, i have 1 other criticism, and it is during the Dudley Boys Prison Break Attempt when guildford is like "the guards are right behind us, i'll stay behind to fight them so you two can escape" and then he and his dad have a heart-to-heart for like 2 minutes before the guards actually get there, during which time they all could've escaped together lmao but we had to get the drama of guildford not being rescued until the literal last possible second, so i can forgive this!

anyway, things wrapped up pretty satisfactorily so i would be okay if it didn't get a second season, but they did end it like they wanted another season since they drew our attention to several loose ends, and so i'm crossing my fingers!!

[noonmutter]

Breakdown

DWC August 2023 Day 1/2: Beginnings/Endings, Enchanted/Horror

"You know you'd be wonderful onstage!" "I would not." "You're doing that thing again, where you're modest for no reason." "I know fer a fact I would not, cuz ev'rytime I'm in front o' crowds, I 'ave a desp'rate need t' throw up."

---

"Just one teensy little whip routine." "Absolutely not." "I'd happily be your target so you're not alone and everything! Like the good, charitable elf I am!" "If y'wanna be whipped so bad I kin tie y' up in th' workshop in ten minutes." "Why are you so miserly with your myriad talents?" "Are we gonna actually test out some stuff t'day or not?"

---

"I heard someone humming in the shower…" "Don't." "It's almost like you do have a sense of melody in there somewhere!" "Tha' was a hallucination. You're hallucinatin'."

---

"I saw that." "Wot?" "That little flourish you just did on the backswing." "I did not flourish it--" "You do show off!"

---

"I know yer doin' it on purpose." "I'm sure I don't know what you could possibly be talking about. I'm over here doing my lashes." "Ev'ry single Tart I know 'as been tryna get me onstage at least once. Yer not special." "Well now you're just spreading falsehoods, but I'll forgive you this once."

---

"You know, I couldn't help but notice how insightful you were." "Hmn?" "In the gallery. Once you opened up, I thought it was going to be impossible to stop you speaking your mind, not that I'd ever want to!" "Well… y' did prod me. Kind of a lot." "And I'm very glad you took that prodding! It's always a treat to listen to you dive deep into that lyrical well of yours." "Um…" "Almost like you're absolutely brimful of creativity, just waiting for an excuse." "… Celedyn." "Or perhaps the right audience?" "Ohhh my godddd--"

---

"You even do it at your booth sometimes! Especially the big ones, you were doing it constantly at the Tournament of Ages!" "I am not an actor!" "Then what would you call that whole absurd persona you were putting on for your… shoe… thing?" "It was a bit!" "Leon, sweetheart, darling. Actors do bits. That's acting. You acted." "I was 'avin' fun!" "Acting can be fun." "DAGH!!"

---

"So you've gone and enriched yourself for another year or two. What's next?" "Not sure. I was thinkin' maybe it's time t' start lookin' fer a proper shop. Y'know, like a storefront?" "What, no other big events to work yourself into a stupor over? I'm shocked." "Nah. I think I wanna see wot restin' on my laurels feels like, yeah? We kin uh… kinda afford to, heh." "Marvelous! See, it just so happens that this year is a very important year for the Tarts--" "Are you kiddin' me--" "But it's our anniversary, kitten! You're a friend of the troupe, don't you think you could just--" "Y'know wot? Fine. Fine." "--one little--wait, what?" "Once, an' only once, if it'll make you stop, I will do a thin' onstage. Once." "Oh, Leon, fantastic! I've got so many--" "But." "Mmn?" "I get t' pick th' song." "Oh, well." Celedyn gave an exaggeratedly put-upon sigh, undercutting what little sincerity it had with the big shit-eating grin on his face. "I suppose I can make one little sacrifice for you, kitten." "Mm-hmm. I'll let y' know."

A week later, Celedyn received a letter with the Catty Crow seal on it. He was all smiles when he opened it, finding a few written pages and a recording crystal labelled 'play me.'

Ten minutes after that, he was leaving hysterical, shrieking messages on Leon's commstone. Leon chose not to answer, instead putting up his feet and watching the device dance across the coffee table while he drank his tea.

( @celedyn @daily-writing-challenge )

[muchadoaboutnot]

⚔️

The walk up the dungeon stairs should have been without any difficulty, other than it was a long walk back up to the rest of Skyhold. Point in case Leto notices halfway up the way Samson started to lag. His stride getting slower and she could hear him breathing a bit heavier.

"Your muscles have atrophied down here." She states to his back, her own steps slow and she idly places her palm on the stone wall, tracing her fingers up the grooves as she waits for him.

There's a mumbling sound that comes from him, she can't make out the words at first before he looks over his shoulder at her. "Yeah. That happens when you're stuck in a cell." His tone is dry but his eyes show something mean.

Leto simply shrugs, yet on the inside, she feels a sort of pity for him. She can't imagine being stuck in a cell, even when she lived in LowTown and had a tiny bedroom she could at least leave the house but he could do little but sit and rot. She shakes her thoughts because now it was to be different. Still, at the slow pace he sets now she gets curious, something that has gotten her into a lot of trouble.

"So... How tall are you?" She casually asks Samson now, deciding to chat while he struggles.

That amuses him however and he snorts, "I don't know, around 6'2" thereabouts? Why?"

Humming, Leto nods but not that he can see. "I knew it, you're taller than Cullen by 1 inch."

Now that comment actually makes Samson laugh, the absurdity of the situation finally gets to him and he's shaking his head and wonders what he's getting himself into.

The next question however is more serious, because Leto should have done this back when he was in the cell, not in the middle of the staircase.

"Can you cast dispel?"

Now that stops Samson in his tracks, one of his hands is placed on the stone wall for purchase and he half turns his body to look at her. Puzzlement is clear on his features but he doesn't say anything, because what he does is lift his one free hand and cast the spell.

It's familiar to him, being a Templar most of his life, although he never liked using it. He especially never used it when he became the Red Templar General, no need to. But for now, he does what she asks him but he can't imagine why.

Leto on the other hand opens her mouth to tell him to stop, because she watches almost in slow motion the way he raises his hand to cast it. And then he does. Instant she feels herself get knocked back, while light blinds her and her ears ring. She does note however the effects aren't as bad as they could be. She does however note... She's being held now.

After getting hit she almost stumbled down the stairs until Samson grabbed a hold of her.

She thinks it's very dramatic and unnecessary because she's humiliated immediately. This is the man she's supposed to be watching over, not almost falling down the stairs and braining herself. Even worse, she said his muscles had atrophied yet the way his arm holds her around her waist is so solid and her feelings go straight to a bodice ripper novel.

"Forgot you're a mage..." His voice is gravelly and he sounds apologetic in her ear. And for a few seconds, Leto and him sort of just look at each other before rage shows up on her face. Instantly she shoves him in the chest to get away from him and he easily enough lets her go and raises his arms up in a placating manner. "What in the Maker's name is wrong with you?!" Leto isn't shrill, but she's definitely upset. "Why would you just cast it so casually?"

Now however Samson drops his hands to his sides and gives her a nasty look, as if she's the dumb one. "Wot? You literally told me to cast it? You said: Can you cast Dispel? So that's exactly what I did,I cast it."

Reeling at him, Leto can't believe he took it as her telling him to cast it and not just asking if he can cast it still. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be more specific next time, because what I mean was just asking if you can cast dispel still and clearly you can." She grinds the words out between her teeth.

"You're welcome." Is the only response she gets from Samson however, he's done with the conversation and turns and starts to walk back up the stairs.

This was going very good so far.

Therefore Leto, tired of him and not even on the first level of Skyhold with him, starts to make her way up the stairs, however, she brushes past him. He lets out a growl and a 'watch it' but otherwise does nothing. Her own steps are faster and lighter, she makes it to the top and waits for him just outside the door.

Again. The worst part is how she replays how strong his grip was on her. Because it makes her blush.

Very bad.

Samson on the other hand still making his way up the stairs just feels tired already. Even if he had it in him to think about how Hawke felt in his arms, it last but just a second before his head pounds, his heart hammers, and his legs burn.

Anything pleasant does not last very long for him, either way he makes it to the top and joins her.

[the-caracarn-isnt-a-king]

I'm missing wot while I wait for book 9 and 10 to arrive (cause the Brazilian publisher is incompetent and haven't published all books yet, now I have to import the English version). So I found this challenge and will try to reply for all 30 days.

30 days of WoT - Day 1: Favorite Ta'veren

As much as I love Rand and just want him to be happy, he is too closed off and it annoys me profoundly. Lack of communication is a huge problem for all our ta'veren boys, but for Rand specifically not only makes me worry about him constantly, it also makes everything more complicated in the story.

Mat, by other hand, also has a lot of communication issues, but his POVs are always a blast. I was so annoyed with him on the first 2 books, he was just that troublesome kid that kept doing what he shouldn't.

But when we started getting his POVs and I saw what was going through his mind, my boy is crazy. I love how he got that absurd luck, and kept getting into danger and succeeding until he formed his own army. That he still doesn't want, but are good men and loyal followers. One thing that really makes his story different from rand's is that even though he doesn't open up much, he still has people he trusts.

Mat is the type of guy that is really fun to be around, like I want to be his friend. Rand is that guy you are crazy about and want to help him and fix him. Perrin is the one who you end up saying cause he is a good and calm guy who you can live a nice life with.

But yeah, Mat. Mat is my favorite ta'veren.

Full list here:

[neuxue]

Who are some of your favorite villains?

Oh man, that is a question, anon. This is not a comprehensive list, because if I started listing every morally corrupt character who owns my soul, we’d be here all night. I’ve also taken a somewhat flexible definition of villainy at times, because…it’s complicated.

Also, spoilers for uh…most of the things listed; I’ve tried to keep it vague where possible, but the nature of villainous arcs means sometimes that doesn’t work. I’ve listed the work before the commentary, so if you don’t want spoilers for the thing, skip that section.

In no particular order…

Lord Asriel and Marisa Coulter (His Dark Materials): okay, so arguably they’re not villains, per se, but they each serve as antagonists at various points, they’re ambitious and proud beyond belief, and their morality is…well. Complicated. (Did I lose my mind at the ‘corruption and envy and lust for power. Cruelty and coldness. A vicious probing curiosity. Pure, poisonous toxic malice […] you are a cesspit of moral filth’ speech, from a corrupt angel to the one deceiving him? Abso-fucking-lutely. Also ‘I wanted you to come and join me. And I thought you would prefer a lie’). They’re also on this list because they were my Formative Villain Faves from the age of 7, which probably tells you something about who I was as a child and who I am as a person.

Nirai Kujen (Machineries of Empire). You really…could not write a villain more My Type if you tried. I’m not sure I could write a villain more My Type if I tried. Immortal, immoral mathematician who traded empathy for the ability to act on it, reconfigured a universe, and has lost most of his humanity but not his sense of beauty? I am but a simple woman. It helps that there is one hell of an enemies/allies/lovers dynamic going on between him and another character who is a different sort of my type, and it’s precisely my kind of Fucked Up Power Dynamics.

Moridin (Wheel of Time): ’Your logic destroyed you, didn’t it?’ I have a whole…thing about villains who see themselves as a kind of anti-Chosen One. I’ve written about it slightly more coherently elsewhere, but it comes down to a particular kind of despair and perception of inevitability, that they have no choice but to fight and that their role is always to lose, and that they will be cast and remembered as the monster, and so there is not reason not to be monstrous, but that doesn’t help with the self-hatred.

Semirhage (Wheel of Time): I could pick a lot of the Forsaken, and one or two other characters from WoT but I’ll stick to two here. Semirhage is all about pain without emotion, and I’m into it.

Malkar (Doctrine of Labyrinths): okay, he’s sort of in the category of scenery-chewing villain you love to hate, but I do love to hate him. And he causes so much delicious pain for the major characters; it’s almost like he’s running a charity service for those of us who like watching our favourite characters hurt.

Aaravos (The Dragon Prince): Listen. Listen. Trapped in a mirror, lost and alone and yet only letting that show in glimpses, possibly a Prometheus figure, graceful and beautiful and terrible, and that voice. Also the entire aesthetic. He is awful, and he is a delight, and he has that kind of cruelty that you can almost forget about - it’s as though he’s so into the villain aesthetic that you almost think it’s just an aesthetic, almost forget how capable he truly is of horrors, and so when he commits them it’s all the more thrilling.

Astrid & Athos Dane (Shades of Magic): The Dane twins deserved better. And by better I mean more screen time. They were criminally underused as villains and they had such potential. Vicious and cruel in a world where to be otherwise is to die, holding power by blood and pain, and chaining another …well, if not villain then certainly antagonist to their will, forcing him to serve the world he wants to save? Which brings us to…

Holland (Shades of Magic): Holland is…arguably not a villain but as an antagonist he is absolutely my type: powerful and ruthless and broken, and yet somehow still fighting; a character whose defining trait is his extraordinary will (and also self-hatred); a character who, literally in canon on the goddamn page, is told ‘no one suffers as beautifully as you’. (Plus he gets a redemption arc! That lets him remain complicated and doesn’t undermine his competence! And while it falls into redemption-equals-death, his death doesn’t come at the turning point in his arc the way it does for so many villains - he gets a whole road-trip first!)

Melisande Shahrizai (Kushiel): oh man. She’s such an interesting character, and the narrative does an excellent job of creating that link between her and Phedre - a really, really compelling and beautiful form of 'you know it’s a terrible idea but you can’t help yourself’. Also, she and Marisa Coulter should never be allowed to meet (by which I mean, I would read that fic). I’m also always here for a female villain who gets to be complicated, who has depth beyond just the typical 'femme fatale’ (though Melisande could certainly claim that title), and who is truly central to the story rather than there to look pretty.

Azula (Avatar: The Last Airbender): For all that I love Zuko, he doesn’t belong on this list, flexible as my definition of 'villain’ here is. Azula, on the other hand…sharp and vicious and a void of anger and fear inside, and if she has to feel that, then the world should too.

Zhao (Avatar: The Last Airbender): It’s at least 85% the voice, and the other 15% is the way he looks at Zuko (I know, I know, I’m sorry).

Rhaegar (A Song of Ice and Fire): Rhaegar’s villainy is…complicated, but he gets a spot here anyway. I have a niche subtype that can be defined as Sad Harpists (Rhaegar, Maglor, Deth, Morgon, Asmodean), so that’s part of it, as is the way he sets that aside out of what he perceives as necessity. But also most of his draw is how he’s this shadow hanging over the entire narrative and yet is himself a void in it; we see so little of him, know so little of him in truth, catch only glimpses and will never know what’s behind them, and every character sees him differently, and he has defined all their lives but we know almost nothing of his. I’m all about identity and choices, and the fact that his are so thoroughly obfuscated but have such a lasting impact on the entire world really does it for me.

Baru Cormorant (The Masquerade): Does she count as a villain? I suppose it depends entirely on whose point of view you’re watching from, which is kind of the point. Regardless, she is so much of what I want from a character, from an author who doesn’t do things halfway. Intelligent and ambitious and utterly ruthless, to both herself and the world she wants to burn down around her.

Delilah Briarwood (Critical Role Campaign 1): any character whose cry of agony and despair takes the form of 'I broke the world for us!’ is a character I’m going to like.

The Lone Power (Young Wizards): mostly because the traditional greeting, upon encountering them, is ’fairest and fallen, greetings and defiance’, and I am a simple woman. But also because they’re the Lucifer figure, in all senses - evil, perhaps, but mostly a necessary embodiment of entropy, one who must exist and must struggle and must always lose, beautiful and bright and terrible, and oh so proud.

Judas (Christian Mythology): He betrayed a guy with a kiss. What more do you want from me?

Rin (the Poppy War): By the end, she makes a very compelling case for herself as a Villain Protagonist and I, for one, am into it. Also, 'genocidal’ gets tossed around a lot when villains are discussed, often without cause, so uh…points to Rin for actually deserving it? (This book is strongly in the category of Not For Everyone, but if it’s your thing…weaponising gods.)

Loki (Marvel franchise & Norse Mythology): so, I have a complicated relationship with 'trickster’ figures and characters, in that I like the idea of them, but tend only to actually enjoy the ones who fall on the darker side of that line they all dance around. Loki, in pretty much all his incarnations, fits that mould.

Achilles (Greek Mythology): Is Achilles a villain? Depends who you ask. But he’s powerful and proud and doomed, and knows it. I just…heroes who go out in a blaze of glory are all well and good, but villains who step up to the flames of their own damnation?

Ruin (Mistborn): It’s funny; I really enjoy a lot of Sanderson’s stories, but by and large he tends not to write my type of villain (which I will forgive him because he gave me Kelsier). But Ruin…starts off like just another godlike semicorporeal villain with absurd power, as you do, and then gets significantly more interesting – and tragic – when you learn the full story. I have a thing for villains who chose their villainy out of necessity (with a side helping of hubris) and become that which they most hated or feared. The ones who look at a razor’s edge and think 'I can walk that’. Who look at power that will consume them and think 'I can control it’. It’s a very specific kind of… arrogant sacrifice, I suppose, and it never ends well and I’m into it every time.

[ladyoutlier]

Here Today Gone Tomorrow

In which God drunkenly restarts the universe and Aziraphale and Crowley find themselves in the role of Adam and Eve. 

[Read on AO3] |  [Read My Other Fics]

Chapter 1: Take it from the Top

God really thought Armageddon would do it. She really thought that after 6000 years of buildup, surviving the End of the World would’ve pushed her OTP into pure, raw romance. But that’s not what happened. Sure, they were closer now than ever. They fully embraced being on their own side. They awaited a future together. Them against the world. But they still hadn’t so much as hugged not to mention something as simple as saying I love you. The world had almost been destroyed, and they still weren’t together together!

They were still playing their little dance that they had been since literally the beginning of time, and God was quite done with being subtle. She was going to do something about it, but first, she was going to get mad drunk. 

Now, a drunk God is a really, really scary thing. Absolutely anything can happen. Suddenly, gravity works in a completely different way. The less mass an object has, the greater its gravitational pull. Or maybe a new species gets invented. That is how the platypus came into existence after all. Alcohol and God is simply not the most calming of combos. And this time… oh it was something to be very scared of, indeed.

God had drank roughly an ocean full of liquor when She decided on a plan. “Fuck it!” She cried, stumbling over a pile of creation dust. “If they won’t just get to—together on their own. I. Me, I’ll just do what I did with the hu—hum… monkey people. Garden all to themselves. Only them. Take it from the top!”

And with that, God pulled the great big lever that reset the entire universe.

*

Aziraphale woke in a garden absolutely and completely naked. The name Adam, circled in his head as if he was for some reason now meant to be called that. Poppycock, he thought. That name isn’t fitting at all.

This was quite the bizarre scenario. He was sure he had been in his bookshop the night before. He and Crowley had shared quite a few drinks celebrating the averted Apocalypse. Now, he was quite definitely not there. To add to the strangeness of the whole thing, he had never slept before in his life, and yet, he had most definitely awoken here. In Eden.

Eden? Why did he want to call this Eden? And why did he think the name Adam belonged to himself? This couldn’t be Eden. It hadn’t existed for thousands of years! He sat up, blades of grass tickling his naked skin as he moved. This wouldn’t do at all. He snapped his fingers, and his familiar outfit returned to him.

This was Eden; he was sure of it. The plant life. The looming surrounding wall. He was in Eden and suppose to be Adam. How ridiculous! This must be a dream. He had never slept before, but he must have now. Only that could explain this absolute absurdity. A faint breathing took his attention back down to the ground beside him.

Oh. Oh, he most definitely was dreaming. On the ground beside him, nearly touching him, was Crowley who was sporting his birthday suit just as much as Aziraphale had moments ago. He was Adam, and Crowley was… Eve. He was supposed to be Eve. Oh, this had to be a dream.

Before the angel could think another thought, the demon stirred awake. He blinked his eyes several times in a confused manner before he spoke. “Ad—Aziraphale, why in the name of Satan is the name Eve floating about my head? And why did I almost call you Adam?” He took the same wild look around that Aziraphale had moments ago. “And why are we in bloody Eden?”

“So, you’re just as confused as I am, and this isn’t a dream?”

“I’d think not. Unless we’re both having the same one.” 

Aziraphale stared at him. As peculiar as the situation had found itself, it hardly worked as a distraction from Crowley’s current, ahem, lack of clothing.

“Wot?” The demon glanced down to himself. “Oh for the love of—” He snapped his fingers in a rather hasty, upward movement, and his signature style returned to him. He looked back to Aziraphale with a rather exasperated expression. “As if it’s not something you’ve seen before.”

“Oh, yes. Quite right. Bigger things to attend to. Or not bigger. Poor word choice. More important, yes. Like what’s going on.” The angel quickly stood and brushed himself off before charging into the wilderness in front of them.

“Right…” Crowley drawled on, still baffled by, well, everything. He took a moment to raise an eyebrow to Aziraphale’s words before tailing him into the wild.

Somewhere on an ethereal plane, God, in a drunken slur, cursed. She hadn’t really been listening to anything that was said. If She had, maybe She would’ve controlled Her rage a bit more. As it was, all She was able to register was that they both had put their clothes back on much too quickly.

Aziraphale and Crowley walked in silence for a few minutes, pushing past leaves and branches as they delved deeper into Eden. Every detail down to the pebbles half-buried in the dirt was completely accurate to the Eden the two of them remembered from 6 millennia earlier. But why it existed now and why they were here was a complete and utter mystery.

“So do you have a plan or are we just taking a nice stroll through Eden for the scenery?” Crowley asked, swatting the branch of a fruit tree out of the way.

“Ah, well, no. I figured exploring our surroundings would be more effective than just sitting in the same spot completely baffled. As for a specific plan, I haven’t got one.”

“Think it’s some trick? Some dastardly plan from Above and Below given their inability to kill us?”

“I don’t know how they would manage a thing like this. Something as large scale as this could only be accomplished...”

“By the Almighty.”

“Indeed.”

That was a horrifying realization. The Almighty hadn’t directly interfered with the world since Noah built his ark or since Jesus lived. To even consider that God had altered the world so much, especially with the knowledge that the End of the World was supposed to be the day before… it invoked shivers.

Crowley rather fumbled with his words as his mind raced on laps ahead of his mouth. A series of fragmented sentences was all he was able to verbalize. “But God can’t have—I mean why would She—what purpose would it—and us as Adam and Eve. Why?”

“I don’t know. Um, careful with the questions, Crowley. You know where they lead.”

“What? Going to Fall again, am I?”

“No, I mean that you’re supposed to be Eve. Eve hasn’t taken from the Tree of Knowledge yet.”

“What the Hell are you on about? Is another me going to show up? Hardly need that. I’m a bigger sinner than Eve could ever dream of being. Don’t need some pathetic fruit to prove that. And—” He waved his arms about wildly. “With that logic, we should both be walking around with a lot more bare skin exposed. Adam and Eve were hardly all that modest before eating the apple. Rather not do that though. Mosquitoes are more Hell incarnate than demons are. I’d say we’re in the post-apple stage if anything.”

Aziraphale absorbed Crowley’s words. A rather frustrated wrinkle appeared on his brow. “I must say, none of this really makes any sense.”

“You think?!?” the demon huffed, stomping in a quick circle. “We save the world one day and wake up the next to find it reverted back to day one. Gabriel really was an idiot for his God doesn’t play games with the universe remark. Complete knob head.”

“Where do you think he is?”

“Dunno. Up in Heaven I presume. Why should I care?”

“If we’ve found ourselves in a new role… perhaps the rest of the universe has as well.”

“That sure would make an even bigger mess of things, but it’s not like they deserve it any less than we do.”

“Deserve would imply that we did something wrong. That the Almighty is punishing us. If that’s the case, I have no clue what for.”

“Yeah, crazy to think God would punish us and not explain what for. Completely out of character that. She probably just got piss faced.” Crowley took a few steps back and faced the sky. “She can bloody well just put it all back now!”

“Crowley! You can’t just yell things like that!”

“Why the blasted Hell not? Earth was the only thing we had going for us, and now it’s gone swirling down the porcelain throne.”

“The Almighty seems to be paying more attention now than ever. You might have been able to get away with such blasphemy before, but now She might be a bit more, um, testy.”

“If She wanted me to be all holier than thou, then She shouldn’t have left me a demon when She reset the world.” He grabbed Aziraphale’s shoulder. “You should be pissed too. She took everything away. Everything. Remember that little talk we had before we decided to avert the Apocalypse? All those human luxuries that were worth saving? All that’s gone. No more fine wine, sushi dinners, cars. Your books are gone, Aziraphale. All of ‘em. Just like that.”

“They—they’re just physical things. Nothing I can’t live without.” Despite his words, the angel’s expression said otherwise.

“How can you say that? This isn’t some minor inconvenience like if a waiter brought you the wrong dish. Everything’s screwed.”

“We still have each other.”

And that was a comment that Crowley couldn’t argue with. He released Aziraphale and scratched the back of his head. “Yeah. Yeah guess so. That’s something. More than something.”

“We’ll figure out what’s going on. Fix it if we can.”

“And if we can’t.”

“Learn to live with it. What else could we do?”

“Challenge God?”

“That sounds like a good way to turn a bad scenario into a worse one.”

Crowley shrugged in mild agreement. “Hasn’t worked out well for me in the past.”

“I guess the next step would be to find somebody, so we can properly determine the extent of the problem.”

As if God Herself heard that (She didn’t. She was too busy fighting the cork off a bottle of wine to be bothered by Her failure of an OTP.), someone showed up.

“Eve. Oh, Eve. Aren’t you getting hungry?” a rather familiar ribity voice asked.

Crowley about choked on absolutely nothing upon hearing that. He and Aziraphale turned to the source of the voice. Pitch black eyes of a rather enormous frog stared back at them from a rather prickly bush. Although this particular demon wasn’t known for this particular form, Crowley recognized him nonetheless.

“No!” Crowley whined. “They didn’t get you to do my job, did they? Ugh, a real classless act. No style.”

The frog that was Hastur, Duke of Hell, leapt out from the bush and transformed back into his more humanly appearance, wearing a night dark robe. “It’s your own fault, Crowley. You betrayed us. Of course you lost your job.”

“Yeah, but you? Literally any other demon would’ve been a better fit.”

That seemed to hit exactly the nerve Crowley intended. Hastur narrowed his eyes. “You’re lucky I’m only supposed to get you to eat the apple. Otherwise, humanity might’ve not had a future this time around.”

“Wait. So many questions. You’re just fine with this strange world reset thingy? And what’re you on about with that humanity’s future bit.”

“Ha. Like I’m telling you anything, traitor.”

“Sorry to intrude on this reunion,” Aziraphale, who had been watching silently, now spoke up. “But I must insist, whoever you are, that you tell us what you know.”

Hastur turned his attention to the angel. The frog on his head caught a fly from the air. “I don’t take orders from those Upstairs. You’ll have to go to one of your own for answers. Although, I heard they’re more of Hell than Heaven nowadays.”

“Explain yourself!”

A sly smile grew from Hastur’s lips. “You haven’t heard? Archangel Gabriel has found himself, ah, demoted. His position has been taken over by Lord Beelzebub.”

Crowley burst into a fit of laughter. He heavily leaned on a tree for support. “Even though that’s obviously a bald-faced lie, it’s absolutely hilarious.”

“Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask him yourself? Heard his new job was guarding the Eastern Gate.” Hastur gave a quick smug glance to Aziraphale before looking back to Crowley. “And do eat the apple before you go. It is part of your job as much as it is mine.”

Crowley plucked an apple from the tree. “Angel, let’s go meet the new you then.”

“Yes,” Aziraphale replied, still eyeing Hastur rather warily. “Perhaps he will be more willing to provide answers.”

Two pairs of wings, one black and one white, entered this earthly plane and appeared on their respective angel’s and demon’s backs. With a forceful take off, Aziraphale and Crowley took flight to the east, leaving the Duke of Hell behind on the ground below. Crowley tossed the apple in his hand a few times before chucking it at the shrinking form of Hastur.

“You might’ve got my job,” he called down. “But that doesn’t mean I’ll help you do it!”

God snorted off wherever She was. Either She had finally drank enough to become slap happy, or She had forgotten how funny of a stubborn bastard She had made Crowley. Honestly, it was likely a bit of both.

*

Crowley forgot how clean the air was in the beginning. The sky of Eden felt a whole lot healthier than the 6000 year old one of yesterday. Of course, it hardly mattered as the demon didn’t do much flying back in modern day. It just wasn’t worth the miracle it would take to alter people’s memory after a nice flight.

“Crowley, who was that? One of your old coworkers obviously, but which one in particular?”

“Hastur, Duke of Hell. Although guess he’d have my old name if we’ve got Adam and Eve’s. Crawly. Ugh, can’t believe I went by that as long as I did.”

“For confusion’s sake, let’s just address everyone by their proper names. I prefer to think of the new names as a bestowment of a role rather than a replacement identity. I rather like being me.”

“Works for me. Don’t think I could call anyone else Aziraphale beside you anyways.”

As the Eastern Gate neared, it became obvious that there was indeed someone guarding it. A winged figure grew into view, but this individual didn’t have just two wings as Aziraphale and Crowley did. No, this person had six, three layered on each side. Only a few specific angels had wings like this, and all of them were Archangels.

“Do you suppose that Hastur fellow was being honest?” Aziraphale asked in response to seeing the Archangel’s form.

“It’d be a first for him,” was the extent of Crowley’s reply.

They landed on the Wall. A wave of uncomfortable deja vu flooded through Aziraphale. This was all like a memory but one that was corrupted by a nightmare. There indeed was a Guardian of the Eastern Gate, and it most certainly wasn’t him but rather Archangel Gabriel just as Hastur had said. The Archangel even sported the same robe that Aziraphale had worn all those years ago. However, unlike Aziraphale, Gabriel still wielded his flaming sword.

“Gabriel,” Aziraphale called rather hesitantly. He was hardly comfortable around the Archangel considering he had sentenced him to death just the day before. “Would you mind explaining what’s going on?”

Gabriel turned to face them with his infamous false-happy grin plastered to his face. He looked less than surprised to see them.  “Uh, obviously the Almighty was upset that The End of the World didn’t go off as intended, so She reset the whole universe to make it happen this time. And we all got new jobs because of our failure to perform, duh.” He shook his head as if Aziraphale was the most stupid being he’s ever come across.

“That—that’s hardly a logical deduction!” 

“Do you think this happening after you and your demon pal’s mess up is just a coincidence? This is a direct result of your actions, Aziraphale. Although I guess that name is mine now.” Gabriel’s smile turned rather bitter.

“Yeah, he’ll be keeping his name.” Crowley took a step between the two angels. “And if God really got all pissy that the end times didn’t kick off, She could’ve jump started them Herself. Would’ve cost roughly the same amount of energy as doing this!”

“Back off, demon,” Gabriel replied, pointing his sword towards Crowley. “Sure, holy water left you unscarred, but I doubt this will.”

God abandoned the bottle of wine She had been nursing and instead summoned a bag of freshly popped popcorn. Now, this was entertainment: the demon acting as a shield between his love and Gabriel. Maybe this plan was working out.

“There’s no need for violence!” Aziraphale cried, pulling Crowley back to his side. “I think we can all agree that we’re quite unhappy with our given arrangement and would like things to return to normal. Can we not agree to that?”

“Yes. I think we can all agree to that.” Hastur’s voice caused both Aziraphale and Crowley to turn around rather quickly. The Duke of Hell had joined them on the Wall, black smoke still pooling from where he landed.

“Funny. Thought you would love this, Hastur,” Crowley replied, sauntering over. “You get all of Satan’s fun jobs this go about.”

“I don’t enjoy the idea of living in your shadow for the next 6000 years.”

“And I thought you said Lord Beelzebub has taken over Gabriel’s role. That seems more than advantageous for Hell. Why would you want to give that up unless, of course, you were lying?” Aziraphale asked in a very passive aggressive tone.

“Oh, I’ve got the answer for that one,” Gabriel answered. “Beezy’s not that well off up there. They may have stolen my job, but they are very much still vulnerable to holy water, and oh, we’ve got a lot of it up there.”

“You didn’t kill them did you?!?” Hastur growled, charging directly up to Gabriel.

“Ah, no not going to answer that one. Now back away, demon, or I can assure you that you’ll never find out.”

Gabriel waved the sword between himself and Hastur. The Duke of Hell backed up in a rather quick fashion with a less than intimidating expression on his face.

“If it was my choice, of course I would’ve chosen to keep my old job over something as lowly as this.” Gabriel turned to speak to Aziraphale. His sword, however, remained pointed at Hastur. “But this was the Almighty’s decision. Do you really want to go against God’s Plan, Aziraphale? Are you left with any faith or has your demon left you with none?”

“Of course I trust the Almighty!” Aziraphale replied, taking a step forward. “But just as I believed that She didn’t wish to destroy the world, I can’t imagine She wanted us all to be so unhappy. Wanted to undo everything that’s been done.”

Gabriel lowered the sword and approached Aziraphale, halting just a few inches in front of him. “This isn’t permanent. Is that what you think? That God has done this for good? Honestly? You really should’ve spent more time Upstairs when you had a chance. Could’ve picked up on some things. No, this is obviously some kind of test, and once we pass, everything goes back to normal.”

“If it is so obvious, could you please inform the rest of us on what exactly this test involves?” Aziraphale asked, still staring the Archangel in the eyes. He leaned ever so slightly forward into Gabriel’s personal space. Just a few days ago, he would’ve never dreamed of speaking to a superior in such a strict, demanding way, but the End of the World had changed all that.

“Just do your job well,” Gabriel replied with a shake of his head. “The Almighty gave us new ones for a reason. So do good work. Get rewarded. In this case, everything goes back to normal. Simple.”

“Wait,” Crowley began with a hand on his hip. “Your idea of what’s going to fix all this is for us all to pretend to be someone else as if we were actors putting on a play for God? That’s what’s going to put everything back to normal?”

“Well, don’t just copy what’s already been done. Do it better. Like how I’m holding onto this sword and not losing it. Make improvements like that.”

“Improving Crowley’s work is far from a difficult task.” Hastur said, still keeping his distance. His petrification from Gabriel’s threats may have worn off, but the lesson remained learned.

“Really? Can’t wait to see how you handle that,” Crowley replied, not even bothering to turn around.

“Any other demon would’ve been a better fit...” Hastur responded, throwing Crowley’s own words back in his face.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes at the two bickering demons before looking back at Gabriel. “How are we supposed to do a more outstanding job than Adam and Eve? Can you even improve upon a job with no criteria?”

“Uh, not my problem. You two need to figure out how to make a human together or something. You’re the Earth expert. Not me.” The Archangel gestured to Eden below. “For starters, I’d get back down there. Adam and Eve lived in the garden. Not on the Wall surrounding it.”

“Is that actually all you’re going to give us?”

“Uh, yeah. I really don’t like you.” Gabriel’s eye twitched. “Now go. And take the demon with you. Both of them actually if you can.”

Aziraphale huffed. “Come on, Crowley. I’m rather done here.” He grabbed the demon’s hand, which was currently flipping off Hastur, before he could reply and jumped off the Wall with him.

They freefalled for a moment before catching the wind and soaring back up into the air. They only heard a few final words as they left the Eastern Gate to return to Eden below.

“I think we’re scheduled for a talk, Archangel.”

A demon and an angel stood on the Wall of Eden, but it very much so was the wrong angel and demon. A thunderstorm rumbled in the sky. It would be the first rain of the new world, yet there would be no act of kindness shared up on the Wall during it. All of the kindness would be left down in the greenery of Eden this time around. But God didn’t mind. She was instead rather captivated by Crowley and Aziraphale holding hands as they soared through the air.

[Chapter 2]

[kat-hawke]

Interviewing the Hawke at Sea

► Name ➔ “Alexa Imortis.”

“Kat Hawke.”

► Are you single? ➔ “Depends on who you ask, really. I am engaged, single, in the market, in an open relationship, courting a noble.. One really gets lost in all the story telling, hm?”

“Certainly feels like it most days.”

► Are you happy? ➔ “I suppose that I am happy enough, considering the circumstances. We are in the middle of a war, and I am still alive and relatively in one piece.”

“As the Admiral said; I’m alive, all my limbs still attached, soul in my body, avoided unwanted offspring. So, sure, I’m as happy as one can be in my position.”

► Are you angry? ➔ “Exhausted, is perhaps a better word to describe how I feel relationship to my anger. It comes and goes, though I rarely express how truly furious I am towards a situation.”

“No’ at the momen’. Ya’ll know when I am.”

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “Kul Tiras, Brennadam.”

“Gilneas, if that wusn’ obvious enough. City outskirts.”

“I think your accent gives that away…”

“Ya’ think?”

► Hair Color ➔ “Onyx.”

“Raven black. Ya’ have eyes do ya’ no’?”

“So many different words to describe one color.”

“She wus hotter as a blonde.”

► Eye Color ➔ “Persian blue.”

“Amber.”

► Birthday ➔ “April fifth.”

“June thirtieth.”

► Mood ➔ “Praying that this will end. Worried about the boys at home, it’s been long enough for them to get into trouble.”

“Annoyed.”

► Gender ➔ “...Female.”

“Maybe they did no’ wish to assume?”

“They might ask who is the more masculine out of the two of us next, you watch.”

“Draw straws?”

► Summer or winter ➔ “Winter. The trees are barren and snow is pure, there is a comfort in the silence that lingers after the first change of seasons.”

“I lost sensitivity to temperature sum time ago. Seasons don’ matter to me anymore. Easier to hike the trails in the summer, howeva.”

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “The break of dawn. As hours go by people tend to grow more lazy, and less productive. Try getting any shred of work done after one in the afternoon, it’s bloody impossible with the Harbormaster.”

“Always wus an early riser. As I’m sure she can attest to, she complained about it once.”

► Are your parents still married ➔ “Yes, happily enough. Then again my father long ago lost his spine, and my mother tends to remind him of that fact frequently enough. They have had their quarrels over their years, however, due to my fathers inability to keep it in his drawers.”

“Well, they’re both dead, so…” She simply shrugs. “Granted m’mother remarried much to my disapproval. Still, all dead though.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love? ➔ “Yes. Though my commitments have shifted about as of late… I think a lot of my problems tend to revolve around the fact that I love certain qualities about many, many...many, people.”

“Mmm, while I don’ disagree, it’s a question better suited fer the Diplomat I think. I’m in love with m’job, if that counts.”

“Makes two of us, put that down as my relationship.”

► Do you believe in love at first sight? ➔ “No. It’s absurd. Something that is frequently told to children in order to promote procreation.”

“Only in nobility… Lust at first sight is quite real, any tavern in Stormwind will prove that.”

► Who ended your last relationship? ➔ “Do they really, truly, ever end?”

“Mmm, do they? Considerin’ m’last two haven’ actually ended per se, I’d say the last actual end wus caused by death.”

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart? ➔ “Most likely, though no one has been upset enough to say anything personal about it.”

“Lost track on that one. No’ my fault they don’ take the hint.”

► Are you afraid of commitments? ➔ “Mmmm…. Afraid? No. Hesitant to fully commit? Maybe. There is something to be said about remaining in perfect lingo. No one can actually hurt you that way.”

“I agree with her, to a point. Love no one, and no one can hurt ya’. Made that mistake once before.”

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Kat and I hug all the time. Cannot separate us, truly.”

“Oh, are we spillin’ the secrets now? Alright, luv’, game on.”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer? ➔ “There’s nothing secret about those who admire. Even if one is shy with their affections, they typically come around.”

“She ain’t wrong. They niver stay secret fer long, always have to make it known, unfortunately. It’s worse when they want to try and ‘fix ya’. Like we’re broken or sumthin’...”

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “No. I do not set myself up for failure in trusting in others to meet my exceedingly high expectations. If given the opportunity, they will disappoint.”

“No. Why set m’self up in such a predicamen’? I skipped a chance to adopt a puppy, that hurt, but I wouldn’ say I wus heartbroken.”

SEVEN TRAITS: “Describe each other.”

disorganized / organized / in between. “Kat is organized, though I cannot say that I have spent a lot of time in her office. The short time I did spend there, we were in a bit of a tiff. Closest to rage that Kat has ever seen me act, I believe.”

“Alexa is one of the most organized people I’ve met, aside from her love life.”

“It’s organized enough, just not in a way that anyone would expect…”

patient / impatient / in between. “The Director is a delightful mix of both patience and impatience. Idiocy is not tolerated, in any shape or form, but recent events have proven Kat’s behavior beyond the threshold of the patient.”

“Mmm… Patience comes with the job both her and I have, though I’ve witness her in a few impatient scenarios, felt it too…” She clears her throat. “A nice mix of in between. Fer the record, recent events are puttin’ us both past the threshold.”

outspoken / reserved / in between. “Reserved. Kat doesn’t really go out of her way to interact with strangers, unless she wants something. This typically includes information, and namely only that.”

“See. Like I said, she knows me more than she should. I would say Alexa is a bit outspoken. I’ve watched her move through a tavern enough times, work a person or two.”

empathetic / unempathetic / in between. “I would say that we both are not highly empathetic people. Kat is more emotional than I, though it is not by much.”

“I will agree with that. No’ a lot of room fer bullshit in our profession. No’ goin’ to comment on the emotional part though.”

optimistic / pessimistic / in between. “Bit of a glass is half empty type of person, you are. “

“Glass of whiskey?”

“Glass is fully empty in that case.”

“See, she knows me! But, I’d say yer a bit more of an optimist than I, narrow margin though. Pessimist is just wot an optimist calls a realist.”

hard-working / lazy / in between. “I do not think there is even a question to Kat’s work ethic. We are both far too devoted to our jobs, to a degree that most would consider unhealthy. I find it wise to remind them that we are what protects them from the mongrels of the Horde.”

“What even is a day off fer us?”

loyal / disloyal / unknown / in between. “Loyal both in a professional sense and relational. The fact that Kat is even sitting here, after our falling out, is proof enough of how Kat values our relationship. If you need an example of loyalty to the Alliance, I would remind you of my previous statement. She does not falter nor rest when it comes to protecting our people.”

“Thank ya’, luv’. Now, without gettin’ any further into the relationship line… I don’ believe Alexa houses a single disloyal bone in her body. As she said, I am here, but so is she, take that as ya’ will. I remember early on after we met, she always carried her papers. Her authority on land wus  marginal yes, but that didn’t stop her from actin’ on behalf of the Alliance. Professional and relational fer her as well.”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ “Lust. Love tends to attach too many strings, emotional bonds, problems. It is simply easier without the complications that people bring to the table when romance is brought into the equation.”

“She says that, but yet…” She turns her hands over in her lap with a shrug. “Still, she ain’t wrong. It’s worse when people get more invested than ya’ are, messy too. M’friends think it’s no’ healthy but, woteva, they’re married anyways.”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “Dogs.”

“Dogs.”

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “What type of question is that? Rum. It’s either water, or rum.”

“Can I spike the tea with whiskey? Does that still count?”

“No.”

“Well fuck ya’ then, who made ya’ the beverage police?”

“It’s in my contract, didn’ you know?”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “A few best friends. It’s easier to keep an eye on them that way.”

“I prefer more of a...web. Everyone has their place and purpose, sum more than others.”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “I’m never involved with anything that can be described as...wild.”

“Yes? She’s also lyin’.”

“Name one time.”

“The one ni- How about we just keep it family friendly on the readin’...”

► Day or night ➔ “Night.”

“Agreed. I work better in the dark.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out? ➔ “No. I do not sneak, therefore I do not get caught.”

“Yer so full of shit. But, I wus caught a few times.”

“I walk right out the front door.”

“Noticed- movin’ on.”

► Fallen down/up the stairs? ➔ “Certainly. Get too much drink in me and I will do both at the same time.”

“I’ll say the same. No further commen’.”

► Stolen something? ➔ “That is absurd.”

“Way too much to count.”

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “More than it is healthy, I am sure. Both in frequency and volume. The next promotion, to not be like my father in my habits, the Diplomat to choose. Yet here we are, I’m still holding my breath on all of the unlikely scenarios. Maybe if all three happen at once…”

Kat just blinks at Alexa. “Right… I went over a month with no alcohol, no human contact, no real food, no alcohol, and no proper lodgin’. There’s yer answer.”

“Right, we get it, you could not have a drink. Light above be blessed that you were sober for a month.”

“Bite me.”

“Bend over.”

“Temptin’. Ahem. Movin’ on…”

► Wanted to disappear? ➔ “No. Not literally. Though since my evenings spent with Terra I do frequently wonder what I would be like in another profession. Maybe a baker of some sorts.”

“Have a few times in the past. Still can if I want to. Did ya’ say a baker? Yeah, okay…”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes? ➔ “Smile. You can usually tell if people ae lyin’ by how they pose their words. If they falter, or trip, their embarrassment is commonly displayed.”

“Eyes don’ lie as much as lips do. Became quite familiar with that over the year…”

► Shorter or Taller? ➔ “Shorter. Much easier to pin.”

“No real preference, though in the Admiral’s case, taller. She made a fair point. No further comment on that.”

► Intelligence or Attraction? ➔ “Intelligence leads directly to any type of attraction. Unless you mean beauty, hm? A pretty face will certainly get you far in life.”

“She’s no’ wrong… Ya’ sure ya’ didn’t mean to ask intelligence or beauty?”

► Hook-up or Relationship? ➔ “As of recent it has been relationships, everyone is rather obsessed with finding a way to make me stick around. Even if it is beating around the bush, in a manner of words. Prior to this last year? Hook-ups. Much easier, less strings attached, and it let me avoid most of the drama I am now right in the middle of.”

“Except she’s the one that wanted to stick around.”

THREE ABOUT FRIENDS

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends? ➔ “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

“Absolutely no’.”

► Who is your best friend? ➔ “My brother, Viktor. He is one of the few that I could trust with any type of fuckery.”

“Rinnessa, she’s been like a little sister to me since childhood. Jess and Xylia I met in the city.”

► Have you ever lost a good friend? ➔ “I am in the process of losing one as we speak.”

“That statemen’ likely applies to both of us.”

TWO FOR FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along? ➔ “All of us besides V. The youngest is bar far the most difficult. Tends to love crime, sticky fingers… reminds me a bit of Kat, to be honest.”

“I don’ much care fer corpses, so- Well that’s just rude. Perhaps I need to meet this sister if we have so much in common.”

► Do you see your family often? ➔ “At least once every other week, since I have returned from the mainland.”

“Again.... All dead.”

ONE WHO KNOWS ALL

► Who knows everything about you? ➔ “My mother, though you would not expect it. We are not close, in any meaning of the word, but she seems to understand what I am going through without myself ever speaking a word.”

“Nobody. That’s the point. Everyone has a piece of the puzzle though, sum more than others. Alexa certainly learned more than she should have in our time together, to be honest.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means I trust ya’. Take the compliment.”

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD

► Would you say you have a messed up life? ➔ “No. My life is a reflection of my choices, my relationships, and my consequences. The Light guides my path, yet I am an entity who decides what direction I will take. All that has been done, and all that will come of it is my accomplishment.”

Kat rolls her eyes at the mention of the Light guiding one's path. “Complicated, sure. Messed up? No. I made my choices, lived with them, worked through the consequences of misplaced gambles and relationships. Everything I do is by design, good or bad. There is always a larger image.”

Written with @preyontheweak.

Tagged by: @roses-and-arrows, @xyveth-heartbane. Since the previous answers to this prompt were still valid from the last time, we did this one together to mix it up and have some fun.

[Mentions: @shewolf-jacqueline, @tinybewitchedgilnean, @jesdena, @library-of-the-forgotten @oathandsword  @titanicmight ]

[firstpuffin]

Childhood reading: Redwall

When I was growing up I read a lot, like that’s all I did for long periods of time levels of a lot. Heck, I had a different book in each room of the house so I could put one down and pick up another. I don’t know why; I was a weird kid. But while I didn’t read books like Harry Potter or Skullduggery Pleasant (the latter of which seems quite popular but was published a bit too late for me), the books that I did read were pretty much my entire life and most definitely shaped me into who I am and there was one particular series that I thank for that.

   I adored the Redwall series, written by Brian Jacques up until his death in 2011; he consistently wrote this series on an almost yearly basis from 1986 until he sadly passed away. I must have stopped reading around 2005-6, and was recently very pleased to discover four more books that I never read, nor knew existed, assuming at the time that the series had been long completed. I say recently because upon realising that I want to write children’s fiction, I decided to revisit the stories from my youth. Earlier youth? I’m still pretty young.

  The series follows the history of Redwall abbey, a place of peace and prosperity. Every character in the series is an anthropomorphic animal along the lines of mice, otters, hedgehogs and squirrels, amongst more; these are usually the good guys and are often referred to as “woodland creatures”. This is important as there are also animals such as foxes, stoats, weasels and more that are called “vermin” and play the role of the antagonists. Despite being based around an abbey there is little to no religion within the world, except maybe for a high level of reverence towards the mouse patriarch Martin the Warrior and his sword, which could be similar to that of King Arthur. There is a lot of interesting terminology within the Redwall world, with characters saying “beast” (such as everybeast, somebeast, etc), the young abbeybabes are referred to as Dibbuns; Bloodwrath is a reoccurring term, usually in relation to a badger and is a sort of affliction that sends a beast into a rage where they are immune to pain and unaware of damage as they focus solely on their target. These words are always made clear and so there is little room for confusion.

   The ghost of Martin is a constant in the series where he appears in dreams to guide the characters through hard times. He often provides ambiguous clues to assist in whatever puzzle the story needs solving, puzzles and riddles and such being a common and engaging part of the stories. As this would suggest, there is a certain amount of supernatural within the stories, with seers foretelling the future and prophesies to be fulfilled; there is even a legend of a particularly skilled warrior who is said to be born every now and again, marked by a pink flower birthmark and who is called the “Taggerung”.

  I read all of the books that I could get my grubby little paws on, which is probably all of them that were released up until high-school where I got a bit distracted from reading novels. They were such an integral part of my life that I was shocked to discover that my classmates in the university creative writing course hadn’t even heard of the series outside of the, apparently quite bad, short-lived cartoon. The only other person who I found had read any was one of my lecturers. I was aghast, so in the hope of spreading the word about this series I am writing this.

   Now, one of my lecturers taught us about the, to put it politely, the faeces sandwich method of critiquing someone’s work. You say something nice, say the bad stuff and follow that up with some more positive; I like to add that if you can then try and suggest how to improve on the criticisms, even if it’s just how you would do so, then go ahead. If you can’t take criticism then don’t create. I figure that I’ve praised the series already so I’m going to bring up my criticisms here and go into the rest of the article positively.

   One issue that I remember being aware of even in my youth is the timeline of each individual story as well as them put together. Presumably due to animals shorter lifespans, Mr Jacques doesn’t work with years but with seasons which is in and of itself fine. The problem is that in any one story, the time isn’t always realistic; it can be less than a season and yet a character will learn years worth of skills, mature physically or emotionally by at least half a year or events may simply not match up with other events. One character learns to fix a stutter within a day or two or practicing (Broggle, The Taggerung, 2001); within less than a season another character goes from useless and untrained in weapons, to throwing a dirk with greater skill than those who have been throwing and such long before he was born (Tammo, The Long Patrol, 1997).

   Add to that, badgers live an unspecified amount of time longer than the other creatures; I don’t know much about animal lifespans but one badger can live for multiple generations of, say, mice. But because of this longevity, events that involve generations of badgers will sometimes throw a spanner into the clockwork of the world (See the badgers: Brocktree, Boar, Bella and Sunflash).

   Another complaint is one that may not be noticed by children: characters are very much recycled. The events of much of the series could in all honesty be done with the characters of the first book; many characters are inanely cheerful, they are all gluttons and all love poetry and rhymes. The villains are always impulsive and ruthless to their own subordinates, not a one of them thinking of controlling them via a less violent yet just as evil means. Every! Single! Hare is the same, except for one; male or female, they are greedy, reckless and brave and all, except the aforementioned one, talk like a stereotypical 1900’s Brit on drugs (wot wot old chap and all that tosh).

  Yet, and despite the length with which I have gone on about them, these complaints are minor. The stories themselves are generally solid, and although the growth may happen at an absurd rate, the characters do develop; there is always a puzzle to be solved and an enemy to defeat. I was concerned for a while that the world was a little too black and white with vermin always being straight-up evil and the other characters noble and brave, which could easily be seen as a form of biological racism (as in “this race is biologically evil”), yet there have been books where this has been turned on its head: The Bellmaker (1994) has a searat (basically a pirate and rats are always bad) who is taken in by the abbey and cared for by the reluctant creatures who are uncomfortable having “vermin” around yet are compelled by their sense of duty to help. After this rat’s captain kills one of the residents, the rat is furious at his actions towards the kind folk and kills his own captain and returns that which he stole to the abbey. It is a clear tale of how the right circumstances can allow a bad person to redeem himself.

   Another positive is the frequent presence of capable female characters. It is popular these days to talk of “strong” females, yet I personally believe that this gives people the wrong impression of what it takes to be a decent character, male or female, and so I choose to say “capable” in place of “strong”. While this is a personal preference, I also believe that it is more accurate about the characters within this series. Yes, there are females who break down in fear but there are many examples, such as the disabled Martha Braebuck who is also that unique hare that I mentioned, who will take command when others are fretting (Loamhedge, 2003). Another character who has been a personal favourite from childhood is Mariel Gullwhacker (Mariel of Redwall, 1991) who survives being washed up on a beach with no memory and who finds her way to safety and eventually seeks out revenge on the searat Gabool. For two books she actively follows her own path and fights with nothing but a knotted piece of rope. These are just two examples of different capable female characters, one who fights and one who leads, out of many possible examples.

  This next point could be either good or bad, depending on your preferences in fiction, yet I personally feel it is good for children’s books to cover, and that is death. It doesn’t happen in every book but it is not too unusual for Mr Jacques to build up a likable character or two, only to have them die in some noble fashion, or in one case to die “off-screen” or whatever the written equivalent is. Despite my own childhood reaction to this, being avoiding certain books that broke my heart (no spoilers), I currently believe that this is a positive thing to have in children’s fiction. It’s too easy to avoid anything like death when dealing with children, but that is an unhealthy attitude to have. The Redwall series is especially good in this regard as not only do likable main characters die, but it is not too unusual for a character to deal with shock and guilt after killing, reinforcing the value of lives, even those of “vermin”.

   I would like to round things up with some of my personal favourites from the series. The already mentioned “The Long Patrol” was a favourite up until the time when I stopped reading so much: young Tammo (full name Tamello De Fformelo Tussock, pretty typical for hares) is unable to stay at home as tensions between himself and his father rise and his mother recruits her old friend to take Tammo to join the Long Patrol, a legendary army of hares. What should have been a peaceful enough trip was interrupted when the vermin horde, lead by Damug Warfang, start moving across the land and Tammo happens to meet up with a small scout group of Long Patrol hares. They join the peaceful Redwall abbey in their attempts to stop the horde before they reach the abbey, temporarily vulnerable after a collapsed wall leaves them open to attack.

   I’m not entirely sure why I enjoyed this story so much; maybe it was Damug’s unique sword as well as Tammo’s dirk, my first introduction to that weapon. Maybe it was the badger warrior Lady Cregga Rose-Eyes who spends most of her time lost to the Bloodwrath and runs around as a near-unstoppable juggernaut. I can’t say as I wasn’t quite so keen upon revisiting it, yet I will likely always hold fond memories of it.

   My next entry is another already mentioned story, Mariel of Redwall. Sure, the amnesia trope might be a bit overused yet I’ll forgive that for anything published before 1990. Mariel is captured by searat king Gabool the Wild and forced to be a slave until she is cast into the sea. She wakes up parched, forgetful and with only a knotted rope to her name. She struggles onwards, hearing of Redwall and making her way there, usually alone but occasionally meeting friendly travellers and facing threats with only her rope. She eventually reaches Redwall abbey, regains her memory and sets out to get her revenge and to rescue her father.

   This entry to the series is an engaging story and I really like the character of Mariel, as well as her name. She is a determined and active character who goes through a lot of adversity and comes out the other side better for it. Gabool the Wild is also a typical example of a Redwall villain: while not all antagonists follow this pattern it’s not at all unusual for them to slowly go insane, losing sleep, not eating and failing to keep the loyalty of their subordinates. This is particularly good because in a one-on-one fight, Mariel isn’t an experienced enough fighter to beat a warlord, yet due to his strained mind, mutinous crew and tactics, the reader believes that she can succeed.

   My final entry is a tough one to choose, yet I’m going with Mossflower (1988) for it tells of the conflict that brought about the titular Redwall abbey. There are other books that tell the origin of Martin the Warrior, though Mossflower details his arrival in Mossflower country and how he joins the rebellion of the woodland creatures against the tyranny of wildcat royalty. Martin and a couple of friends are sent to find the badger lord Boar, who could lead them to victory. Instead, Boar forges Martin a new sword from a meteorite and has them return. Martin’s new sword is a constant throughout the series: unbreakable, forever sharp and able to cut through most things with relative ease, it develops a legend of its own and is eventually thought of to be magic. After Martin inevitably prevails, they all start building their new home: Redwall abbey.

   I chose this one for the final for it tells of the story behind many reoccurring elements within the story: Martin, his sword, Loamhedge and of course Redwall abbey itself amongst more. It is also a good story.

[hazelcephalopod]

Random autistic thoughts

So for me I've got sensory processing disorder (or whatever one wants to call it), in my case I'm hypersensitive which basically means I feel things more intensely and cant really ignore them. For instance I've never been able to wear jeans, and have a lot of trouble with all pants but I digress, all through my life I've put on jeans and my body and brain -not me, my actually nervous system I swear- has an absolute and I must take the thing off now or else. It's not mind over matter, 'cuz the person me part is like "yea these are cute I hope I can wear them" but the all other parts -including mind- is like "GET THESE FUCKING THINGS OFF KE RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GAWD YOU WILL Die!!!!!!!!!!" Same thing with say bras or any number of other random clothes. So I made the most logical choice: I just don't wear either. I wear skirts and very occasionally a bra, of which like I have two that I will actually wear. Anyway it's always just been very strange to me all the people who are like "I hate [blank(article of clothing)]." And I'm just like "then why do you wear it?" I mean I know people may have uniforms they must wear (and I think stringent ones are just absurd and trivial nothings tbh*) but lots of other clothes. No idea, not ones that actually make sense to me anyway. Now honestly I don't care beyond that, wear whatever the hell you want and complain about it as much as you want. I'll do my best to be compassionate but still think " just dont wear it." * ok so for like medical, safety, or I guess like politicians or representatives to have some guidelines makes sense. Mostly just the first two though [ you can just stop now is ramblings and me going " I'm fine work bras, just not on me." and " wish there was no society pressure to wear bras" Ps- really I hate them mostly because most seem so uncomfortable. Also yes I have faced a few problems due to my choice of dress. Mostly the bra thing, which tend to think is societies or an individuals issue. I'm just minding my own business over here in my shirt and skirt with no bra ( but I'm cool wot people who like/ need a bra). ~ I do wish there was less pressure from society to wear bas and jeans. Mostly just bras though. PS 2: also ya my boobs might get saggy and I will deal with that when the time comes thank you very much. I am not interested in tolerance building. Um what else... My body and brain are far happier this way. And goodbye.

[reaping-cain]

Doppelgänger Lavellan

Dedicated to @slothquisitor who has to contend with end of semester stress and obligations. I wanted to write fluff but this silly idea came to mind instead so I hope shenanigans works to lift your spirits. I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed your lovely Mara. Alternate modern AU where Kaeran and Mara meet. Also Sera’s involved because I love her too. 1430 words.

“So when are ya gonna tell me the naughty bits about yer date?”

Kaeran huffed, not even taking her eyes off the book she was assessing. She already had one book wedged to her chest and though she could get away with buying one more book, it was a foolish to think that she’d leave the bookstore with two books. Three if she restrained herself, at worst, maybe six or seven. She tried to ignore her bank account and reread the back of the book. She hoped Sera backed off.

“Soooooooo….” Her companion pushed the book out of her hands. So rude.

“So what?” Kaeran sighed, bending over to pick up the book, fearing that one of the employees might see the offense. Maybe if she pretended to not know her friend, Sera might be forced to leave the place; on second thought, probably not the best idea. Sera held grudges for a frightening long time. There was no use begging, she would only stop when it pleased her.

Kaeran shelved the book. It wasn’t as intriguing anyway. From the corner of her eye she can see Sera bouncing from one foot to the other, clearly vibrating with excitement.

“You like him,” she said. Sera screwed up her face and made a disgusted noise loud enough to ruffle the feathers of another patron. Kaeran snorted, “OK, OK. I didn’t mean it that way. To be honest, I’m actually surprised that you know someone like him.”

“Wot ya mean?”

“I don’t know…he doesn’t strike me as someone who you’d have in your very eclectic circle of friends.”

Sera snorted this time. “Yeah, that’s a fancy way of puttin’ it. I don’t know, he sort of gets my humour, get him sloshed and he can tell a few dirty jokes. One time I laughed so hard, I had beer comin’ out my nose. Bloody hurt but couldn’t stay mad at ‘im, it was a good joke.”

“Really?”

“Seems impossible, ‘ight? Him looking serious and all, but he’s funny in his way even though he’s so Ferelden-y.”

Kaeran smiles fondly at Sera’s openness. It’s obvious that she looks up to the guy, somewhere between a confidant and a brother. Kaeran didn’t realize that she was lost in thought until Sera grinned widely, like a cat that ate a canary or three.

“You liiiike him,” she singsonged.

Kaeran spared a side-glance at her friend before moving to the next aisle over. Just because that last book wasn’t interesting didn’t mean that her search was over. About five minutes of relative silence passed, Sera poked her arm repeatedly to grab her attention.

“Ugh, Sera! If you’re so desperate for details—“

“Nevermin’ that! Look!” It wasn’t enough for Sera to be gawking, she had to also point at the person across the bookstore, arm fully extended and wagging her index for added emphasis.

Kaeran smacked her arm down; the sound was violent and the action even had another nearby patron audibly gasp. Kaeran internally groaned. This was the absolute last time that she was going to bring Sera to a bookstore. She looked at the blonde that Sera pointed out but could only make out that it was a woman about their age and had pointed ears. She couldn’t see what was so particularly special about this particular patron, not with the way her face was downturned and very much engrossed in a book she was holding.

“Really, Sera? Another elf in a bookstore, not a rare sight.”  

“No,” she emphasized by grabbing Kaeran’s shoulders and shaking her with some restraint, “it’s her! That doppel-thingy I keep telling you about!”

“Doppelgänger?…oh!” It finally dawned on her. Apparently Sera kept on seeing the mysterious woman and constantly confused her for Kaeran.

Curious, Kaeran began to walk down an aisle towards her supposed doppelgänger. Sera pulled her to the side.

“’Ey! Wot’re you doin’?” she hissed.

“What you think? You’ve been going on about this double-me you keep seeing and now she’s here, wouldn’t hurt to get a closer look.”

She’s about to get closer when Sera pulls her back yet again, a scrunched up look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I’m thinkin’…” Sera said, “isn’t it bad luck or somethin’?”

Kaeran rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry, I won’t touch her if that’s what has you concerned. Wouldn’t want to have our reality collapse if she’s another me from a different timeline.”

“I hate you,” Sera huffed.

“Aww, no you don’t. You looove me.”

“Excuse me, sorry,” said a third voice.

Both Kaeran and Sera froze, their eyes locked on the supposed doppelgänger. The woman looked at them, unsure what was going on and why they were looking at her so strangely. Though the woman looked similar to Kaeran at a glance: their hair styled similarly and blonde as well as matching in height, the likeness ended there. Kaeran’s eyes were blue while the woman’s were green, noses were similar but the former’s bridge was slightly wider while the latter’s had a more delicate button nose. Again, Kaeran’s features were wider than the other woman’s, including thicker brows and a more pronounced jawline in contrast to the fine brows, sharp cheekbones and rounded chin.  She can see how Sera could make such a mistake at a glance but was also relieved that the woman wasn’t an exact mirror image of her. The whole absurdity of the situation was comical and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh come on, Sera! You’ve got to be kidding me! You need your eyes checked.”

“I do not!”

The woman seemed uneasy and perhaps even slightly annoyed with them. She came to the bookstore with a purpose and it wasn’t so that two strangers can ridicule her.

“Um, not sure what’s going on, but you’re standing in front of an author I’m looking for. If you wouldn’t mind?” The poor woman was more confused about the exchange and absolutely didn’t need two strangers to be gawking at her, although, the blonde with the uneven hair looked familiar.

Sera and Kaeran apologized and moved aside to let the third woman through.

After a moment, Kaeran couldn’t resist gently tapping the woman on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, it’s just my friend keeps seeing you around and always thinks you’re me.”

The woman looked at Kaeran and then Sera, recognition lighting up her face.

“Oh, yeah! I remember you,” she said.

Sera flushed, actually flushed a pretty shade. Kaeran thought nothing fazed Sera. Apparently not.

“Y-yeah, sorry about that time,” Sera mumbled.

“What happened?”

“Your friend ran at me and yelled ‘catch me’ really loud,” the woman deadpanned.

“Oh, Sera, dear.”

“…while I was holding my morning coffee.”

Kaeran whipped her head at Sera, horror on her face. “You ran off, didn’t you?”

She began to shake her head before contradicting with a couple of nods, “…yeah.”

“Did you even apologize?” Kaeran asked.

“To be fair,” the not-so doppelgänger replied, “she did shout a very long ‘sorry’ while running away.”

“Oh, well then,” Kaeran was at a bit of a loss. She didn’t want to waste any more of the not-doppelgänger’s time but thought it weird not knowing her name.

“I’m Kaeran, by the way, and if it’s not totally weird, maybe I can buy you a coffee? To make up for Sera’s silly mistake, I feel sort of responsible even though it’s obvious that my friend’s eyesight is clearly failing her.”

Sera made a couple of scoffing sounds before crossing her arms over her chest. Kaeran was definitely going to pay for that one later but it was still worth it.

The woman seemed to hesitate for a moment before she gave a small smile and nodded, “I’m Mara, it’s nice to meet my quasi-doppelgänger. I have some time for a coffee but I don’t want to take too much of your time.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Kaeran assured her. “If you don’t mind me asking, which author were you looking for?”

Before Mara had the chance to reply, Sera took her cue and began to walk backwards towards the café section of the bookstore. “Right, you bookworms have fun, I’ll save us a table an’ Kaeran, ya owe me a nice big choc’late chip cookie. No raisins, blegh!”

Both remaining women stared at Sera’s retreat with mild amusement.

Mara returns her attention to the shelf, skimming her fingers across the spines of the softcovers. “So, what are the chances that Sera will confuse me as you again?”

Kaeran lets out a long breath, “Pretty high, unfortunately.”

“Damn.”

[markantonys]

it’s been a few months since my last sims binge, which means it’s time for another sims binge which means it’s time for WOT polycule babies!

but first: i was having a wedding for different sims and they invited the WOT sims as guests. everyone sat down nicely in chairs in the ceremony area...................except for rand, lan, and perrin, who decide to sit crosslegged on the ground, in their fancy clothes, on the other side of a hedge too tall to see over.

why does this look like an album cover

but honestly, this checks out. if any 3 WOT characters were to be like “i’ve had enough of this fancy party, just gonna go sit over here behind this hedge with my bros” it WOULD be them. introvert gang!

and now, polycule babies!

it will only be elayne’s twins, because aviendha’s quadruplets a) are an absurd decision on rj’s part and not something i accept as canon and b) wouldn’t fit in the household anyway since the max is 8 sims and the twins bring the fam up to 6.

i determined that rand would be the (biological) babydaddy because i tested out in create-a-sim to see whether he or mat would have better-looking kids with elayne. eugenics.

and then, rand knocked elayne up with TRIPLETS on the FIRST TRY DJKFJGHKJHJKSHFKGH hjkhdjhlkjsfg jkdjfl jlskjfg jhLJKHDFLJGHLJH HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

oh my god i’m crying i can’t BELIEVE how accurate that is to canon wherein he knocks elayne up with twins after 1 time having sex and aviendha with quadruplets after 2 times. i have rarely if ever gotten triplets in the sims naturally, without using cheats. instead i had to use a cheat to LOWER the number of babies down to twins. what the fuck, sim rand!

it’s been days (in real world time) and i’m still losing my shit over this. i was fully expecting to have to cheat to get twins, but i Foolishly assumed that it would be cheating up from one baby rather than down from three. i cannot emphasize enough how hard i laughed when i used my cheat to see how many babies were in there and saw that there were 3. christ on a cracker. sim rand is just as much of a baby-making machine as canon rand!

when a pregnant sim shares the news with their partner, the partner gets a happy moodlet about learning about a new member of the family. i wasn’t sure whether only the babydaddy rand would get that moodlet, but mat and aviendha got it too awwwwwww!!! they are all excited to be parents!

elayne already has a big first trimester baby bump by sims standards (often a sim won’t show at all on the first day, or only a tiny bit - it actually does vary sim to sim which is neat). pray for her.

mat carved a dragon sculpture for the babies 😭😭 why am i crying as if i didn’t specifically command him to do so

second day aka second trimester!

pause in the fluff to show this glorious screenshot i snagged of mat scaring gawyn as a prank jkjfg gawyn got mad and then went and hugged egwene to calm down. then later the whole polycule was talking together and having a Pleasant Conversation and as soon as gawyn came over to join the convo it became an Awkward Encounter. i love you king.

sims lets you live out your wildest fantasies, such as making rand and elayne take a nap:

why does rand have the option to ask mat if he’s single. rand that’s your husband. i clicked it and:

i think my poly mods are confusing the game jdkjfg file this under “things that made me laugh way harder than they should’ve.” i can just picture a scenario of drunk rand crying when he learns that mat is married to another man named rand.

while they are all marked as each other’s spouses (except mat and avi who are instead BFFs) in some areas of the game, overall in terms of actual game mechanics it only fully recognizes rand/mat and elayne/avi as married. so when elayne hit third trimester, she got the option to take family leave at work, and rand got the option as her babydaddy and aviendha got the option as her wife, but mat didn’t get the option! workplace discrimination!

NYNAEVE!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!! [squirts with water bottle]

sim mat is too powerful! everyone wants him! we’ve unlocked the secret reason why nynaeve was acting so Weird about him in ACOS.

i chose “let’s just be friends......” and she said “oh. sure, no worries. let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?” gladly djkfg

elayne just had a wish to try for a baby with mat. girl you are already nine months pregnant.

and she is huge! pictured here with 3 dragons (including the one mat carved <3)

one last date night before the babies are born. now i’m thinking of that passage in TOM when mat reunites with elayne and waxes poetic about how beautiful she looks with her baby bump and red dress, glowing in the firelight 😭

elayne fucked rand and then went into labor immediately after they were done. but it still counted as “spectacular woohoo” for both of them, god bless.

another installment in my quest to see who will get registered for what parental things by the game: rand, avi, and mat all got the Pre-Parental Panic moodlet when they saw elayne go into labor, awwww!

the problem with rand having 3 partners and the family-oriented trait is that he is CONSTANTLY having a wish to have a baby with somebody. a few sim days ago he was wishing to have a baby with mat, now elayne is in labor and he’s wishing to have a baby with aviendha. why don’t you focus on the 2 that are about to pop out of your other wife. (i lied, this isn’t a problem, it’s adorable and in character. give rand all the babies he wants 2k23!)

and they have been born! elayne, rand, and avi all got the new baby happy moodlet but mat didn’t!!!! 😭😭 and elayne and rand are automatically friends with the babies, but mat and avi are only acquaintances! this is heartbreaking! also, sims 4 doesn’t register step relationships anywhere but the family tree, so in the family tree mat and avi are marked as their stepparents, but everywhere else in the game they are not considered to be the twins’ parents in any way 😭😭

thankfully, i think i will be able to make mat and avi their parents with a mod, but i won’t be able to do it until the twins are toddlers because in terms of game mechanics babies are more like objects than people lmao

(in retrospect, the above bullet point now reads like “pictures taken seconds before disaster” oh boy, just you wait)

breaking news i’m soft my heart was found full of love!!

yes mat is wearing eggplant emoji underwear don’t worry about it. as soon as i laid eyes on those i was like “i would never have any sim wear those, except for mat cauthon, whom they were made for.”

the twins became toddlers and i used the mod to make mat and avi their parents. HUGE mistake. it confused the game too much and now all the household relationships are fucked up beyond repair. it made mat their dad and avi their mom, but in exchange, rand became nothing to them and elayne became their aunt??? elayne and aviendha are still wives, yet the game is acting like they’re sisters because every time i set one of them as a kid’s mom, the other automatically becomes the kid’s aunt and it gets locked like that so that if one is the mom the other HAS to be the aunt, rather than one being the mom and the other nothing, as it was originally before i tried to cheat the system. even when i deleted the kids and made brand new ones in create-a-sim, it still forces whoever isn’t the mom to be the aunt. what kind of sister-wife shit 😭 (this did not happen with rand and mat, they’re still normal husbands not brother-husbands.)

and tragically, i had saved the game immediately before i realized the relationships had gotten fucked up, so i couldn’t quit without saving and thereby undo my foolhardy act of hubris. elayne and aviendha are stuck as sister-wives Forever.

i solved it by deleting aviendha and replacing her with the blank slate fresh-out-of-CAS version of her i had saved, then cheating all her relationships and skills back up to where they were before. i set her and elayne as wives in CAS but my multiple marriages mod doesn’t let you set multiple spouses in CAS, it only lets you have multiple wedding ceremonies in-game, so rand and new!aviendha quickly had their first kiss, became bf/gf, got engaged, and eloped all in the bathroom in the span of 1 sim hour. as god intended the game to be played!

current state of things: elayne and rand are the twins’ official parents and mat and avi are nothing to them in CAS, however, in the family tree they are the twins’ stepparents, and in the relationship panel they are their caregivers <3 having a sim add a child as their care dependent is something you can do in the game with no cheats or mods, and i should have just settled for that in the first place rather than trying too hard to play god and ultimately having to replace aviendha with a clone. lesson learned!

to close, look at the lil babies! the fox pajamas!!!! 😭😭

[wot-tidbits]

Three years of the good and the absurd.

For these three years I have seen and received the good and the absurd. This post is about the absurd part of my experience with the fandom. I want to show you something. I want to show you my true face which has been seen by some members of the UAF in the last three years but it was kept secret among a selected few. Till now. Here are some quotations regarding my persona. I hope you will enjoy it as much I did.

Note: Narg = wot-tidbits

“They exist in an abyss of being Narg Therin, they couldn’t source if their life depended on it”

“it started as something someone made for the community to be nice, to periodically make posts but they forgot to write the code to allow it to source stuff and through its arguments it has gained sentience. “

“wot-tidbits is just a ball f irony”

“It just looks like he's having a low traffic week and is looking to stir things up a bit.”

“The guy's got a biger hero complex than I do and that, my friends, is saying something.”

“wot-tidbits is a mess tbh”

“Person 1: does anyone know why Narg also goes by LightOne? it's always struck me as rather pretentious

Person 2: Because they're pretentious?

Person 3: I suppose the answer might actually be that simple.”

“Person 1: You can't even claim he uses emotion to fight against logic, pfft.  he just uses... not-logic, by the sounds of most of what I've read and seen

Person 2: He wants attention with the least amount of effort

Person 3: He just wants to be a content-producer and will do anything he can to put stuff in the WoT tag. Even if it's trash and nobody wants it.”

“tidbits is a dick”

“breaking news: wottidbits is trash”

“Person 1: oh gosh, Narg's a butt

Person 2 : Let's forget he even exists”

“yall don't even know how much I want to hurt wottidbits right now”

“Don’t bother with arguing with Narg. They don’t listen. Honestly, the only reason they’re so well followed is because it’s easier for lazy people to wait for Narg to reblog something than actually hunt down the writer/pay fucking attention to the tag.  They’re basically an agrigator.”

“sounds like a dumb child. he's probably 13”

“im gonna go shower and wash myself of the filth that is Narg's shitty opinion”

“oh my god wot tidbits is a mess”

“this jerkface influences a lot of people”

“I don't even want to acknowledge wot-tidbits anymore. I don't want the fandom to develop any schism. But it's inevitable and I don't support him.”

“He sounds so... conceited. So pigheaded. So woolheaded.”

“(he’s) super ignorant and has no udnerstanding of human interaction nor how to construct arguments in a meaningful way other than throwing mud and being a whiny pissbaby”

“stubbornly blind”

“Crazy bastard.”

“Narg is trying to make himself out to be the only rational party here, because otherwise he'd lose his big following. At least some part of it, anyways.”

“such an amazing child he is”

“ ‘Do you really think that if a person wants to go deep in the fandom, they are going to miss this blog [wot-tidbits] at the end?’

We can only hope.”

“since when are we associating narg with the word intelligent except as antonyms”

“NARG YOU FUCKERS I WILL KILL YOU”

My note : Some days later the same person wrote to me a message about my hint for a death threat: “I'd also like to say if anyone has told you to kill yourself or anything of such the sort they are not welcome in this fandom.”

I hope it is not necessary to state explicitly that I wasn’t bothered by this so called “death threat”. It is about the amusing irony of the contradiction above. I love such beautiful irony.

So these aren’t anonymous’ messages sent to me thinking that they cannot be identified. I know exactly who said every single line above. First of all I am not bothered for all the labels and shading thrown at me. If I wanted some sort of revenge I wouldn’t keep them a secret on my laptop for so long (most of the quotes are written in 2015). And I still keep the identities secret. I “exposed” them not to show how grumpy I am but to show that I knew what was going on since day 1. I knew and I didn’t do anything when the time for reaction would be perfect.

The next quote is a good example:

“They very rarely reblog shit from me. >_> I always thought it's because most of my meta is focused on less mainstream characters (because for some inexplicable reason they don't seem to harbour any kind of grudge against me)…”

Yes, then and even today I still don’t harbour grudges for all the misunderstandings around me. I am not personally offended despite all of the above. I still want united fandom. I am still ready for civilized conversation. I put my love and dedication about WOT in front of my ego. That’s it.

Let the Light keep you safe.

LightOne

[clubofinfo]

Expert: Last week, Jeremy Corbyn humbled the entire political and corporate media commentariat. With a little help from Britain’s student population. And with a little help from thousands of media activists. Without doubt this was one of the most astonishing results in UK political history. Dismissed by all corporate political pundits, including the clutch of withered fig leaves at the Guardian, reviled by scores of his own Blairite MPs (see here), Corbyn ‘increased Labour’s share of the vote by more than any other of the party’s election leaders since 1945′ with ‘the biggest swing since… shortly after the Second World War’. He won a larger share of the vote than Tony Blair in 2005. Corbyn achieved this without resorting to angry lefty ranting. His focus was on kindness, compassion, sharing, inclusivity and forgiveness. This approach held up a crystal-clear mirror to the ugly, self-interested cynicism of the Tory party, and transformed the endless brickbats into flowers of praise. On Twitter, John Prescott disclosed that when Rupert Murdoch saw the exit poll ‘he stormed out of the room’. As ever, while the generals made good their escape, front-line troops were less fortunate. Outfought by Team Corbyn, out-thought by social media activists, outnumbered in the polls, many commentators had no option but to fall on their microphones and keyboards. LBC radio presenter Iain Dale led the way: Let me be the first to say, I got it wrong, wholly wrong. I should have listened more to my callers who have been phoning into my show day after day, week after week. The Guardian’s Gaby Hinsliff, who had written in January, ‘This isn’t going to be yet another critique of Corbyn, by the way, because there is no point. The evidence is there for anyone with eyes’, tweeted: This is why I trust @iaindale’s judgement; he admits when it was way off. (As mine was. As god knows how many of ours was) Hinsliff promised: Like everyone else who didn’t foresee the result, I’ll be asking myself hard questions & trying to work out what changed… Annoying as ever, we asked: But will you be asking yourself about the structural forces, within and outside Guardian and corporate media generally, shaping performance? And: Is a corporate journalist free to analyse the influence of owners, profit-orientation, ad-dependence, state-subsidised news? Taboo subjects. Presumably engrossed in introspection, Hinsliff did not reply. Right-winger John Rentoul, who insisted four weeks ago in the Independent that, ‘we are moving towards the end of the Corbynite experiment’, appeared to be writing lines in detention: I was wrong about Jeremy Corbyn – The Labour leader did much better in the election than I expected. I need to understand and learn from my mistakes. Channel 4 News presenter and Telegraph blogger, Cathy Newman tweeted: Ok let’s be honest, until the last few weeks many of us under-estimated @jeremycorbyn Translating from the ‘newspeak’: many corporate journalists waged a relentless campaign over two years to persuade the public to ‘underestimate’ Corbyn, but were wrong about the public’s ability to see through the propaganda. Piers Morgan, who predicted the Conservatives would win a ’90-100 seat majority’, wrote: I think Mr Corbyn has proved a lot of people, including me, completely wrong. In a typically dramatic flourish, Channel 4’s Jon Snow’s summation was harsh but fair: I know nothing. We the media, the pundits, the experts, know nothing. Guardian columnist Rafael Behr, who wrote in February, ‘Jeremy Corbyn is running out of excuses’, also ate humble pie: Fair play to Jeremy Corbyn and his team. They have done a lot of things I confidently thought they – he – could not do. I was wrong. In March, Observer columnist Nick Cohen graphically predicted that ‘Corbyn’s Labour won’t just lose. It’ll be slaughtered.’ In an article titled, ‘Don’t tell me you weren’t warned about Corbyn’, Cohen indicated the words that would ‘be flung’ at Corbynites ‘by everyone who warned that Corbyn’s victory would lead to a historic defeat’: I Told You So You Fucking Fools! Apparently frothing at the mouth, Cohen concluded by advising the idiots reading his column that, following the predicted electoral disaster, ‘your only honourable response will be to stop being a fucking fool by changing your fucking mind’. Awkward, then, for Cohen to now ‘apologise to affronted Corbyn supporters… I was wrong’; presumably feeling like a fucking fool, having changed his fucking mind. Tragicomically, Cohen then proceeded to be exactly as ‘wrong’ all over again: The links between the Corbyn camp and a Putin regime that persecutes genuine radicals. Corbyn’s paid propaganda for an Iranian state that hounds gays, subjugates women and tortures prisoners. Corbyn and the wider left’s indulgence of real antisemites (not just critics of Israel). They are all on the record. That Tory newspapers used them against the Labour leadership changes nothing. Former Guardian comment editor and senior columnist Jonathan Freedland spent two years writing a series of anti-Corbyn hit pieces (see our media alert for discussion). Last month, Freedland wrote under the title, ‘No more excuses: Jeremy Corbyn is to blame for this meltdown’, lamenting: What more evidence do they need? What more proof do the Labour leadership and its supporters require? Freedland helpfully relayed focus group opinion to the effect that Corbyn was a ‘dope’, ‘living in the past’, ‘a joke’, ‘looking as if he knows less about it than I do’. Freedland has also, now, had no choice but to back down: Credit where it’s due. Jeremy Corbyn defied those – including me – who thought he could not win seats for Lab. I was wrong. Like Freedland, senior Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee has relentlessly attacked Corbyn. On April 19, she wrote of how ‘Corbyn is rushing to embrace Labour’s annihilation’: Wrong, wrong and wrong again. Was ever there a more crassly inept politician than Jeremy Corbyn, whose every impulse is to make the wrong call on everything? This week, Toynbee’s tune had changed: Nothing succeeds like success. Jeremy Corbyn looks like a new man, beaming with confidence, benevolence and forgiveness to erstwhile doubters… Apparently channelling David Brent of The Office, Toynbee added: When I met him on Sunday he clasped my hand and, with a twinkle and a wink, thanked me for things I had written. With zero self-awareness, Toynbee noted that the Mail and Sun had helped Corbyn: ‘by dredging up every accusation against him yet failing to frighten voters away, they have demolished their own power’. Former Guardian political editor Michael White, yet another regular anti-Corbyn commentator, admitted: I was badly wrong. JC had much wider voter appeal than I realised Former Guardian journalist, Jonathan Cook, replied: Problem is you *all* got it wrong. That fact alone exposes structural flaw of corporate media. You don’t represent us, you represent power. White responded: You’re not still banging on, are you Jonathan. You do talk some bollocks. Guardian, Telegraph, Independent and New Statesman contributor Abi Wilkinson tweeted: Don’t think some of people making demands about who Corbyn puts in shadow cabinet have particularly earned the right to be listened to… We paired this with Wilkinson’s comment from June 2016: Any hope I once held about Corbyn’s ability to steer the party in a more positive direction has been well and truly extinguished. Wilkinson replied: ‘oh fuck off’, before concluding that we are ‘two misogynistic cranks in a basement’, and ‘just some dickheads who aren’t actually fit’ to hold the media to account. When a tweeter suggested that Corbyn’s result was ‘brilliant’, New Statesman editor Jason Cowley replied: ‘Yes, I agree.’ Just three days earlier, Cowley had written under the ominous title: The Labour reckoning – Corbyn has fought a spirited campaign but is he leading the party to worst defeat since 1935? In March, Cowley opined: The stench of decay and failure coming from the Labour Party is now overwhelming – Speak to any Conservative MP and they will say that there is no opposition. Period. Like everyone else at the Guardian, columnist Owen Jones’ initial instinct was to tweet away from his own viewspaper’s ferocious anti-Corbyn campaign: The British right wing press led a vicious campaign of lies, smears, hatred and bigotry. And millions told them where to stick it. And yet, as recently as April 18, Jones had depicted Corbyn as a pathetic figure: A man who stood only out of a sense of duty, to put policies on the agenda, and who certainly had no ambition to be leader, will now take Labour into a general election, against all his original expectations. My suggestion that Corbyn stand down in favour of another candidate was driven by a desire to save his policies… Jones has now also issued a mea culpa: I owe Corbyn, John McDonnell, Seumas Milne, his policy chief Andrew Fisher, and others, an unreserved, and heartfelt apology… I wasn’t a bit wrong, or slightly wrong, or mostly wrong, but totally wrong. Having one foot in the Labour movement and one in the mainstream media undoubtedly left me more susceptible to their groupthink. Never again. We will see! To his credit, Jones managed to criticise his own employer (something he had previously told us was unthinkable and absurd): Now that I’ve said I’m wrong…so the rest of the mainstream commentariat, including in this newspaper, must confess they were wrong, too. Despite the blizzard of mea culpas from colleagues, George Monbiot also initially pointed well away from his employer: The biggest losers today are the billionaires who own the Mail, Sun, Times and Telegraph. And thought they owned the nation. And: It was The Sun wot got properly Cor-Binned’. And: ‘By throwing every brick in the house at Corbyn, and still failing to knock him over, the billionaire press lost much of its power. After receiving criticism, and having, of course, seen Jones’ mea culpa, Monbiot subsequently admitted that anti-Corbyn bias is found ‘even in the media that’s not owned by billionaires’: This problem also affects the Guardian… Only the Guardian and the Mirror enthusiastically supported both Labour and Corbyn in election editorials. But the scales still didn’t balance. This is a change from Monbiot’s declared position of three years ago, when he rejected the idea that the Guardian was part of the problem. This week, he recalled his own dumping of Corbyn in a tweet from January: ‘I have now lost all faith.’ The full tweet read: I was thrilled when Jeremy Corbyn became leader of the Labour Party, but it has been one fiasco after another. I have now lost all faith. Monbiot blamed media bias on the way journalists are selected – ‘We should actively recruit people from poorer backgrounds’ – and wrote, curiously, ‘the biggest problem, I believe, is that we spend too much time in each other’s company’. We suggested to Monbiot that this was not at all ‘the biggest problem’ with ‘mainstream’ media, and pointed instead to elite ownership, profit-orientation, advertiser dependence and use of state-subsidised ‘news’, as discussed by Edward Herman and Noam Chomsky in their ‘propaganda model’. Jonathan Cook responded to Monbiot, describing the limits of free speech with searing honesty: This blindness even by a “radical” like Monbiot to structural problems in the media is not accidental either. Realistically, the furthest he can go is where he went today in his column: suggesting organisational flaws in the corporate media, ones that can be fixed, rather than structural ones that cannot without rethinking entirely how the media functions. Monbiot will not – and cannot – use the pages of the Guardian to argue that his employer is structurally incapable of providing diverse and representative coverage. Nor can he admit that his own paper polices its pages to limit what can be said on the left, to demarcate whole areas of reasonable thought as off-limits. To do so would be to end his Guardian career and consign him to the outer reaches of social media. The same, of course, applies to Jones, who made no attempt at all to account for corporate media bias. Media grandee Will Hutton, former editor-in-chief of the Observer, now Principal of Hertford College, Oxford, wrote of ‘How the rightwing tabloids got it wrong – It was the Sun wot hung it’. On Twitter, we reminded Hutton of his own article, one month earlier: Er, excuse us..! Will Hutton, May 7: “Never before in my adult life has the future seemed so bleak for progressives. Tragicomically, given the awesome extent of his employer’s anti-Corbyn bias, John Cody Fidler-Simpson CBE, BBC World Affairs Editor, tweeted: I suspect we’ve seen the end of the tabloids as arbiters of UK politics. Sun, Mail & Express threw all they had into backing May, & failed. We replied: Likewise the “quality” press and the BBC, which has been so biased even a former chair of the BBC Trust spoke out. Sir Michael Lyons, who chaired the BBC trust from 2007 to 2011, commented on the BBC’s ‘quite extraordinary attacks on the elected leader of the Labour party’: I can understand why people are worried about whether some of the most senior editorial voices in the BBC have lost their impartiality on this. Conclusion – The Corporate Media Monopoly Is Broken ne week before the election, the Guardian reported that ‘a new force is shaping the general election debate’: Alternative news sites are run from laptops and bedrooms miles from the much-derided “Westminster bubble” and have emerged as one of the most potent forces in election news sharing, according to research conducted for the Guardian by the web analytics company Kaleida. These alternative articles were ‘being shared more widely online than the views of mainstream newspaper commentators’. Remarkably, ‘Nothing from the BBC, the Guardian or the Daily Mail comes close’ to the most-shared alternative media pieces. The Canary reported that it had doubled the number of visitors to its site to six million in May. A story by Evolve Politics, run by just two people, was shared 55,000 times on Facebook and was read at least 200,000 times. These websites ‘explicitly offer a counter-narrative to what they deride as the “MSM” or mainstream media’. Indeed, the evidence is now simply overwhelming – the 100-year big business monopoly of the mass media has been broken. It is obvious that the right-wing press – the Daily Mail, the Sun, The Times and Telegraph – play a toxic role in manipulating the public to favour elite interests. But many people are now realising that the liberal press is actually the most potent opponent of progressive change. Journalist Matt Kennard commented: The Guardian didn’t get it “wrong”. It is the mouthpiece of a liberal elite that is financially endangered by a socialist program. In truth, the Guardian sought to destroy Corbyn long before he became Labour leader (see here and here). This means that it did not target him because he was an ineffective leader imperilling Labour. And this hostility was no aberration, not a well-intentioned mistake that they got ‘wrong’. To this day, the Guardian remains Blair’s great cheerleader, despite his awesome crimes, just as it was Hillary Clinton and Obama’s cheerleader, and just as it was Bill Clinton’s before them. While employing a handful of compromised fig leaves, the Guardian has ruthlessly smeared anyone who has sought to challenge the status quo: Julian Assange, Russell Brand, Hugo Chavez, Noam Chomsky, Edward Herman, John Pilger, George Galloway and many others. It has also been complicit in the great war crimes of Iraq, Libya and Syria – accepting fake government justifications for war at face value, ignoring expert sources who made a nonsense of the claims, and propagandising hard for the West’s supposed ‘responsibility to protect’ the nations it so obviously seeks to destabilise and exploit. In our view, the corporate journalists who should be treated with most caution are precisely those celebrated as ‘dissidents’. Corporate media give Owen Jones, George Monbiot, Paul Mason and others immense outreach to draw 100,000s of progressives back to a filtered, corporate version of the world that favours established power and stifles progressive change. Above all, as Jonathan Cook says, the unwritten rule is that they will not speak out on the inherent structural corruption of a corporate media system reporting on a world dominated by corporations. This is crucial, because, as last week confirms, and as we have been arguing for 16 years, if change begins anywhere, it begins with the public challenging, exposing and rejecting, not just the right-wing press, but the corporate media as a whole, the ‘liberal-left’ very much included. In the last month, we witnessed astonishing numbers of people challenging all media, all the time on every bias – we have never seen anything like it. The young, in particular, are learning that they do not need highly-paid, privileged corporate employees to tell them what to think. We don’t need to tolerate a corporate-filtered view of the world. We can inform ourselves and each other, and we can do so with very much more honesty, courage and compassion than any corporate journalist. If there is one message from last week, it’s a simple one – dump the corporate media; all of it. http://clubof.info/