#LIKE DUDE REALLY COULDNT BE PISSED TO GET A POST IT NOTE AND WRITE IT THERE ??

[mushroom-winners-proof]

this shouldnt be a major highlight of my KH manga reading experience and yet

[handwritten-yo-blog]

day 1. “never stick too close to your dreams”

I feel amazing. top of the world.

 I've got that "new start" feeling you get when you go on the first date with a girl that you'll likely think of for the rest of your life. 

I am sweaty, I am smiley, I am stoked. 

All I've ever wanted since breaking up my high school band in 2009 when we all moved away, was to get sweaty and excited and sound good playing loud. I've stuggled. I had a project in uni that was a lot of fun but only played a handful of gigs (though we did record a release I am very proud of). After that I spent years holding back my dreams while playing accordion in a bluegrass band. A few years ago I started getting the desire to get loud again and about a month in to me putting serious thoughts to writing punk songs, they kicked me out. Great timing really. 

I worked a summer for my father at the Star Track courier company, driving around cranking bands like Foley and Camp Cope on the stereo and writing songs in my phone down the highway as i delivered 4wd light bars to rural farms. I moved down to melbourne with big dreams of finding great musicians to start a band with, and two years later now and that dream was never realised. 

I met a double bass player who played for a friends band and had him record on a couple of my EPs, and I continued gigging with my fiddle player hannah. After taking my friends band "this is a robbery" on tour, I began jamming with his rythym section, two brothers from Taroona in Hobart. It sounded good, so I moved down to hobart. It wasn't my dream of being a band in melb, but it was only a one a bit hour flight from being that dream. 

We tried to jam every week but only jammed about once a month. It was okay, but it wasn't great. The rehearsals were often marred by hangovers or the bass players dog running off in to the bush and the search for it taking up all our rehearsal space time. We learnt a small handful of songs and played a few shows that were always energetic and amazing, but never tight and impressive.  I constantly made plans in my note book along the lines of "we'll rehearse all through january and I'll book studio time for march" that would then be overwritten with "we'll rehearse all through july and record in august" and after two years of that and the drummer joining a band that more suited his style, I gave up propositioning them for rehearsals.  that brings us to now. I got back from Hobart a week ago and brought my hobart friend Ella up with me to cruise around Melbourne going on dates and seeing a perth friend of ours who was here. On the last day of Ella's week up here I took her to do my favourite thing- aimlessly walk through suburbs noticing things about the space and once your legs give up, jump on public transport back home. We walked from footscray to williamstown and were having a blast, in the highest of spirits after putting up a fake "toilet" sign on a wooden door we found near the peir that was definitely not a toilet. the perfect prank. 

We were sat down at a swanky joint on the coast, having just ordered expensive pizza and cocktails having thought we were getting a good deal seeing the happy hour sign that was left out even though it was not a weekday (and hence not a happy hour). I checked my phone and was excited to see that some people I half-know had tagged drummers that they half-knew on the FB post I had made earlier in the day that read "Melb drummers, get at me". Really it was half meant in jest, as every one knows that its impossible to find a drummer in melbourne who isnt already in eleven other better bands. I'd made this post many times before and always found diddly squat luck. I didn't expect to this time and the first comment I got was "this is a tough one hey, best of luck". I and the two other people who liked that comment knew it to be true and couldnt agree more. 

Little did I know I would find some success. SIx years ago I was in Lismore, studying music at lismore southern cross university and dating a girl who I was utterly infatuated with. We'd go to every little community event, market, gig or talk we could and found ourselves at the unibar gig of a brisbane band called The Clues. We were the only people there who stood near the stage, enjoyed it and had a boogie. After a brief chat with the memebers we said seeya. I went to a another gig of theirs a few weeks later in Byron bay and drunkenly talked further with them. Lovely guys. Cool band. they broke up not too long afterwards, but I drunkenly added on FB the guitarist who I found particularly pleasant to talk to. 

Not having spoken to the guitarist since really, he commented on my post, tagging his Brisbane mate who moved to melb a few years ago. I just so happened to have met this mate of his at a Purplene reunion show a couple years back when I first arrived in Melbourne and went to the show alone. He and I drunkenly sang words towards each others faces and bonded over how wonderful it was that Purplene broke their 20 year hiatus to return for a one-off show at the old bar. We added each other on facebook, briefly noted that we shared a mutual friend in the clues guitarist and left it at that.  The drummer tagged, Ty, hit me up to send him some demos and I did. it was an ever such succinct chat. 

-hey dude, chuck me your tunes. 

then

-they sound good dude, wanna come round tomorrow night to try them. 

then 

-sweet as, heres my address, see you at six thirty. 

I read these messages while eating the tastiest vegetarian (half side cheese) pizza and downing a marzapan flavoured cocktail called the GodFather. I was pretty excited about this and remained excited for the next 24hrs. The day passed both quick and slow and I drove myself in the rain with my useless old wiper blades from footscray to Brunswick east. I arrived half an hour early and was busting to piss. I wandered around in the rain looking for an alleyway to use, got quite wet, found a spot and was glad to have had a way to pass the half hour that wasn't just sitting in the car excitedly nervous. 

I knocked on the door, met Ty's lovely partner Jazzy and the small old blind dog. The rehearsal room was warm and I was offered a list of drinks "would you like a beer? a wine? a tea? a coffee? we've got juice, you could have a cordial" and I said I'd love a beer. I was then given a list of all the different beers they had and told I could ask for whatever I wanted. I wasn't sure what to say and I said I was happy with anything. Jazzy came out holding an armful of different beers against her and I was delighted to see a stubbie of Tooheys Old. I delightfully picked that one and both Jazzy and Ty agreed that it was a very good choice. 

We got straight to rehearsing and it was the most instantanous and impressive song learning I had ever been a part of. Really wonderful accents and fills in all the right places. I had a really good time and we worked through all of two new songs that I have written. I'm commented on how easy and profficient the songs were coming along and Ty replied "yeah, I'm old hat at doing this". I sweated through my shirt, bopping on my toes as i lost my voice and gave Ty the eyes whenever the tricky to remember little-fill was about to come up.  We worked through the outro of the last song and then went out the back for Ty to have a smoke. We talked about Steven the Magpie that he raised from baby and now lives in the park next door and comes over each morning at ty's whistle. We talked about possums and how the cats and dogs he owned were too old to have any luck hunting them. He showed me the massive old rear-projection TV in the back garage that he found on curbside, and then we scheduled another rehearsal for next week and I set off home, listening to the recordings we had made on my phone. 

I told Ty that I was keen to record these songs as soon as we got them tight and he is keen as well. About a month ago at a Hard Aches show, Ben David said he was interested in hearing my new songs and would be interested in helping me get them recorded. Awfully kind of him and I hope to take him up on that offer in the future. He's quite a busy person though and I am very impatient with my need to get these new songs out, so I will be looking into all posibilities of studios to get these songs recorded. I'm excited to begin rehearsing with my double-bass player Matt and have the full band release I've always dreamt about. Just gotta keep at the songwriting slog hoping good ones happen, and continue rehearsing with Hannah, Matt and Ty. 

I'm going to try to keep a journal here of the progress. I may also make it a zine. "Handwritten" is a possible name for the band, due to my affinity for handwritten journal keeping, letter writing and list making. I wanted this here post to be hand written and scanned, but i have other things to do tonight and was worried I wouldn't get this all out in time before if escaped my memory like everything does so quickly these days. 

This will be an interesting trip, as i think the musicians journey is often kept secret to create hype and suspense and make it look effortless. Its not effortless and it takes up so much of me trying to make this happen. Join me to see whether we find any success this time or I fail gloriously in public view of this blogs readers. 

[1apple-fox1]

This is a thing 1/idfk dude

posting it on fanfiction.net didnt go over well cause i got too scared and i d ont really w ant critiques i guess c ause i already really really hate the way i write and would love not to feel any shittier so uh-

this is for Monster!Minato/Makoto I have him named Makoto in this one so i can tell the two apart better- this is basically the intro i guess and uhhhh- enjoy??

also i dont have ao3 sorry if its hard to read....

"Iwatodai, Iwatodai," the not so enthusiastic voice sang on the train speakers. Makoto sighed- after what felt like forever he was here... Again. His brows knitted together into an expression of annoyance, or maybe even slight anger? Sometimes even he had problems thinking what emotion he could possibly be experiencing. But he knew, he wished he could have been anywhere but here.

After walking out into the open walk way he stopped. It was rather dead now that he was paying attention. He pulled out his phone. 11:59 PM... It was almost time for...

Just as he thought about it the time changed to 12:00 AM, only for everything to suddenly stop. The world gained a sickly green hue, and everyone around him had ceased to move, transmogrifying into coffins. Another night, another dark hour... With a solemn sigh he pushed onwards, the sights, the blood, the everything- this wasn’t new to him anymore.

There was a sort of sticky splashing noise as he stepped onto one of the many 'bloody' puddles on the streets, but he didn't really care. Looking up at the building before him, it was... smaller than he thought it would be. He thought to himself, looking over his hastily made map one last time. "This is it." He spoke aloud, almost as if trying to convince himself this was indeed the dorm he was assigned. With one last breath he pushed the door open to be met with...

A girl?

The auburn haired girl hummed as she finished signing a sheet of paper and closing the book. She looked around in her small bag, placing the pen back as she finally noticed the new guest. "Oh!" She seemed rather surprised by his sudden appearance. "Man, I didn't even hear you there, that's some major sneaking talent you got there!"

Makoto wore a dumbfounded expression before responding with a quick "Sorry I guess," shrugging the whole ordeal off, and in the process sounding as un-genuine as he could while apologizing. He eyed the place the paper was, only to see that whatever the girl has signed had disappeared now too. "Anyways I guess that means this is a unisex dorm, pretty cool huh?"

"Uh-"

"Who's there!?"

The third voice yelled, with obvious panic laced throughout her words. While the dark hour was known for being dark, Makoto always found it pretty easy to see, and by the stairs indeed there was a third figure, wearing some sort of pink uniform top. "Don't tell me, you're-!" Without even a warning the girl pulled out a gun.

"W-wait hold on a minute!" The auburn haired one spoke up, now even she was panicking. "We're students! ordinary students and-"

"Takeba wait-!"

A fourth voice now, called from the stairs. Just as she had interrupted the lights, the TV, his headphones. Everything came on again- everything was back to normal.

Meanwhile the situation’s tension lessened. The red head explained who they were.

"Oh um..." The pink clad girl almost seemed embarrassed now. "Well my name's Yukari Takeba. Sorry for uh-"

"So why do you have a gun?" The auburn hair girl interjected, Yukari seemed taken aback by the sudden comment.

"Well um, it's- sorta like a hobby of mine-"

"A hobby?" Makoto finally spoke, there was something odd about calling a gun a 'hobby' of all things.

Yukari looked like she had just been cornered by some wild animal when she heard him ask the question. "I-It's um-"

"For protection," The red head chimed in. "You can never be too careful in times like these."

He nodded. Despite his questioning before, Makoto had all but run out of caring for this situation.

"Fine, I buy it-" The auburn haired girl spoke. She wore a cheeky grin, and despite how big it was it was hard to tell what exactly she was thinking. "Well, Yukari and..." She gestured to the red head, while she finally reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh-" It took her a bit to understand why the younger girl had stopped. "Mitsuru Kirijo- a third year- And you, if I remember correctly by your file, are-"

"Hey, hey! You can't just take away my introduction like that!" The auburn hair girl interjected in a childish manor."I'm Kotone Shiomi, second year, and new to this area!"

"Oh hey, uh- me too-" Yukari spoke up, and when she did it was almost an instant match in friendship heaven. The next thing he knew the two girls were hoping to be in the same class as they both walked to- what he assumed- was their rooms.

It was just him and Mitsuru now. With a cough to draw in his attention Mitsuru started again. "And you are Makoto Yuki, correct?"

He nodded. Whether he meant to or not though his posture and lack of an audible response made him come across as rude to the senior, though she didn't dare say anything. "Come, I'll show you to your room."

Without a word he followed Mitsuru up the stairs and down the hall in silence, the tapping of shoes on the carpet was the only audible noise. But even that came to a stop as they reached the end of the hallway. "Floor one, last door on the right shall be your room." She forced a pair of keys into his hand. "While I do have extras try not to lose those keys, I wouldn't want to be seen as unreliable."

Unreliable?

Without another word Mitsuru walked back down the stairs- she must have something else to do still...

With a click and a turn of the door knob he opened his room. The first thought that came to his head was "Bland" and really that was an understatement, aside from the essentials like a bed, and a desk there was barely anything in the room. Not even his boxes filled much space. Makoto sighed, shutting the door behind him. With a quick change he hopped into bed- and tried his best to sleep.

___________________________

The clacking of the train wheels were audible over Makoto’s blaring music. He sighed trying to turn the volume up- even though he already knew he had it at max.

Yukari was talking to both him and Kotone, but of course he couldn't hear a word she was saying over his own music. Makoto saw them both looking at something through the window and without realizing, he felt his own gaze shift to the window.

A tall white building sat on the horizon, almost blinding him as the sun reflected off it. It stung his eyes, letting out a wince he couldnt help but start rubbing at his eye, like doing so would relieve the pain. Of course it didn't.

“...”

“... Hey-”

“Hey!”

Kotone practically screamed in his ear after removing his headphones. But his expression remained pretty neutral even as Kotone stared at him, wearing a pouty expression. What was a surprise to him was when the girl removed his headphones. (He could have sworn he heard a giggle come from Yukari.) “You know both of us are trying to speak with you you know? It’s not nice to ignore a girl like that!”

“I don’t really care-”

“Don’t really-! Yukari’s being nice enough to show us around and you don’t care!?” It was obvious the girl was mad with him, her pouty almost playful face had turned into a full on scowl.

“Hey Kotone- it’s fine he’s taken them off so-”

“So what? He’s still a jerk- and I just realized I don’t even know this jerks name!”

Yukari was practically clinging onto Kotone at this point. “Just drop it ok? We’re almost there anyway-” She pleaded with the headstrong girl. And indeed she was right- the train screeching to a halt, announcing their stop clearly. But Kotone still glared at the boy.

“Don’t think this is over punk-!”

And with that she ran for the exit with Yukari close behind.

He suppose he should get off as well… Makoto took his sweet time departing the train. He tried to stay away from Kotone as much as possible, not to be kind or even out of fear of being yelled at, but because he knew he had pissed her off. Staying away for now would be for the best… Probably… People were hard to read…

_______________________________________________________________

The school was like a confusing maze to him, when he thought he was headed the right way to the office he’d find himself in a courtyard, he briefly wondered if maybe finding a teacher to tell them ‘hey I’m the new student’ would be too much of a hassle.

After asking around he had finally found it, sliding open the door to the faculty office he was greeted by-

Of course, of course she was here too, it was her first day too wasn’t it? She scowled at him as she left, no Yukari in sight… Huh, odd. Then again their friendship was new.

“Ah, then you must be the other transfer student-” A woman sang from the back as she looked over sheets of paper she had laid out on her clipboard. “Makoto Yuki yes?”

He nodded.

“You’re in… Class F, that’s my class- oh yes I’m miss Toriumi. I look forward to having you in my home room!” She extended her hand for a handshake. The boy took it reluctantly. She quickly went back to the notes, skimming a page or two. “You’ve sure moved around a lot, more than I expected from only a second year but-” She looked back at the notes one last time. “Let’s see… In 1999. That was- what ten years ago? Your parents-” She cut herself off with a gasp.

This always happened- no matter where he went people brought this up, and even though his face stayed rather stoic, Makoto felt an odd mix of emotions.

Sadness.

Anger.

Regret.

He felt himself straining to keep his usual composure, hearing it never got easier…

“I’m- I’m so sorry, I’ve been so busy I didn’t have time to read this before hand.”

“Can you just, take me to my homeroom now?” His straightforward answer seemed to throw his new homeroom teacher for a loop, she wore an expression of annoyance before immediately softening up.

“Of course, sorry for my earlier blunder.” She spoke and headed toward the door, Makoto following close behind.

________________________________________________________________

When he entered the classroom went silent. “Good morning class!” Toriumi called. “I have two new transfer students to introduce today-” She gestured to someone in the corner, when Kotone stepped up with a peppy step Makoto’s suspicions were confirmed. “Now go on and introduce yourselves-”

Without a second of delay Kotone blurted out a happy go lucky “Hi! My name’s Kotone Shiomi- I Like cute things and the color orange!” Every boy in the class seemed enamoured, while Makoto just sighed like he’d had enough of this already.

“Ah right, you may take a seat near… Ah! The empty desk behind Yukari there-!”

“You got it teach!” And she skipped off and took her seat, she was probably happy to be sitting beside someone she knew.

“And now it’s your turn.”

“Makoto Yuki. Nice to meet you.” That was it, that’s all he said. The ‘nice to meet you’ tacked on to avoid being yelled at by the teacher. He didn’t even wait for the employee to recommend a seat, simply sitting down on the closest one available… Which happened to be… The one beside her.

Kotone was glaring daggers, and if looks could kill he would definitely be dead by now. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it was like some chill that ran up his spine and kept him aware. Man she really hated him didn’t she? For some reason he couldn’t bring himself to care all that much, but the thought about dealing with this every day, at the dorm and at school… Well, it gave him more motivation to at least try and fix things.

________________________________________________________________

The final school bell rung and the teacher dismissed herself and her students, Kotone looked about ready to dash out the door. If he wanted things to get better he’d have to do them now.

“Hey Ko-”

“Sup!” A tall lanky boy greeted from the side. Makoto couldn’t help but be drawn to the sports cap on his head. “So you two’re the new transfer students right? Nice to meet you! The names Junpei Iori!” He wore a friendly grin. “I transferred here while in 8th grade so, I kinda know what you two’re goin’ through… And I thought I’d help you out you know?”

“You sure you’re not just trying to hit on the new girl Iori?” Yukari chimed in before the capped teen could finish what he was saying.

“Yuka-tan!”

The two bickered and Kotone seemed to really be enjoying the energy this kid brought. Makoto though… He felt almost like he was watching from outside his own body, the talking and everything- he wasn’t used to this. Was he being overwhelmed? Or was it because of something else? He knew he couldn’t just leave, he hadn’t even apologize to her yet what was he-

“Hey you OK?” Someone asked him, it was one of the girls but he was so disoriented he couldn’t tell who.

“I…” He began, blinking a couple of times, looking at Yukari’s concerned face, and then Kotone’s. “I’m fine.”He breathed in. “I uh,” He didn’t really think apologizing in front of Iori was the best way to go about this. “I actually have something I’d like to tell Kotone-” He should have sounded more excited but he found himself speaking in that flat tone he always did. “So-”

“Ah I get ya man! You wanna make the move as quick as possible!”

“Junpei!” While the two bickered and complained Yukari still managed to drag Iori out of the room, leaving just him and Kotone.

“So- what’d you wanna say to me?” While there was still a hint of aggression in her voice, after the weird zone out he had earlier she couldn’t help but be a little concerned. She hoped Junpei was wrong and this wasn’t about to be some love confession.

“So- I noticed you’re upset with me-”

“No-! Me?? Upset?” She said sarcastically, Makoto ignored it.

“I have a problem with being… Blunt? I guess you could say?” This was hard, being honest and talking with others was way too hard. “I know I sounded like I didn’t care and that upset you. So I wanted to apologize.” He was trying his best to sound sincere- he was so used to using the same uncaring monotone voice that he knew he probably sounded like he was trying too hard. There was no reply from the girl, at least not at first- he wondered if he had made the situation worse for a second.

The more he looked the more he was confused, she looked as if she was staring at something, but there was nothing where she was staring. And a few blinks and a second later she seemed to snap out of it with a surprised “Oh-!”

“It’s OK! After a while I could tell you’re not really a people person- you prefer to be alone right?”

“Most days- yeah.”

“No problem then!” She wore a genuine smile- Makoto thought this was too easy. That’s all it took? There had to be more… Right? “I should have taken the hint when you had those headphones on I guess- But still Yukari went through all the trouble so it was kinda rude-”

Makoto shrugged, letting out a “My bad.” in response. Kotone wore the same smile,but it was obvious she was thinking of something in that head of hers.

“We should probably get goin’, I hope Yukari isn’t still waiting for us.”

Us?

Before Makoto could register anything else Kotone had grabbed his hand and started dragging him along…

________________________________________________________________

The smell of coffee filled his nose and he couldn’t help but grimace. Coffee was never a welcoming smell to him, infact he barely touched the stuff but as he looked to Kotone, who wore a smile that was some how endearing and threatening all at the same time- Makoto thought it best to stay quiet for the time being.

“So-” Kotone started, immediately causing him to tense up. “What’s up?”

“What’s…. Up?” he seemed quite confused at this point, this girl had hated his guts before, then suddenly he was being dragged to a cafe at a mall and being asked something as casual as ‘what’s up’ Like they had been friends for years… Then again…

“Well um…” she started, looking off to the side, as if looking for the right words to say. “We- got off on the wrong foot this morning- or- more like I did.” she paused to take a sip of her coffee. “To be honest when you were ignoring us I thought maybe you were just being an ass hole for no reason- but uh- whatever happened in the class room…” Kotone twirled her hair in between her fingers, focusing intently on how she was about to word her thoughts. “... Makes me think it might be something more than ‘because I’m an asshole’- and whatever that is um, well you don’t have to share but if you need support just ask me OK?”

“Ah…” This seemed odd- for someone to go from hating his guts, to buddy buddy. Something had to be up… Right?

Kotone kept on a convincing smile, but she felt the uncomfortable silence that hung in the air. Makoto took it as a sign to leave, getting up from his chair without a word, but at least waving good bye- last thing he wanted to do was get on her bad side again. Before exiting the cafe he took one more glance, she seemed to be muttering something to herself, odd- but really none of his business. He shrugged and continued on.

________________________________________________________________

[ablogaboutsomeboy]

16th of february 2018

Hello readers and hopefully future me,

So today is the 16th of february. It is a friday. I am writing all of this at 12pm. I will start off by explaining my morning.

I woke up the morning after the late cinema visit(read my previous post) exhausted, tired and not ready to wake up. I layed in bed and picked up my phone. I saw a message from my friend who lives nearby and with who I bike to school. He said he is going to intentionally miss the first 30 minutes of class to have extra time as the teacher is bad at teaching and he needed the extra time. This teacher wouldnt note you down as late but only as absent when you didnt arrive. I asked him if we could meet even later as I needed some extra sleep. He agreed. I layed in my bed, while being half awake and staring at the ceiling, and after 30 minutes I decided to get ready for school. I was even later than I expected to be so I had to rush so i didnt miss class entirely. I still felt quite ill as i did the day before. I didn’t have enough sleep either so that might have been the issue aswell. 

After a chill bike ride to school with my friend we made it. The teacher didnt note us down late or absent. I was satisfied. Next class was economy and i made all the assignments which were a lot but I didn’t really have any questions. So me and my friend decided to go on girlscene and check some quality forum topics. We ended up at “Female sexual frustrations” and it was quite hilarious. Class after that I had a break. After break I had to go tennis outside but i didnt really feel that well so i asked if I could do yoga instead. Teacher found it alright and I did yoga. I got in such a relaxed state during yoga. I really needed that. After classes I had to decide what to do. Some of my friends were at the GF. The GF is like our own clubhouse. But it is someone’s actual house. His mom lives in Utrecht so we use his house to chill in as it is quite close to school. I had to decide to either go to the GF or go with a friend of mine and do some other stuff. I ended up choosing the latter as I wasnt really into a very loud meeting with friends and wanted to keep it chill as I felt ill. 

We ended up going to a friend’s house. Played soccer, climbed onto rooftops of buildings and stuff. I even climbed in a tree which I thought I couldn’t do. And then we went to the supermarket to get some croquettes and frikandels. Then we had to choose a movie. We were searching for almost half an hour until I suddenly saw the movie. It was scott pilgirm vs the world. I had been trying to watch this movie for over a year and couldnt get it to work anywhere and netflix didnt stream it. But suddenly on this day it was on netflix. I started speaking very seriously and enthusiastic and said; GUYS WE HAVE TO WATCH THAT MOVIE. And everyone laughed at how serious I suddenly was. They put it on and we never got to finish it. We ended up at 1:27:56 (I have no idea why I remember the exact time stamp but my brain is weird) and then some dudes wanted  to pick them up and do some other fun stuff. We stopped the movie and we parted our ways. I couldn’t really fit into the car anymore so I took it upon myself to go home. Not really because I thought I was expendable but because i hadn’t let my father know that I might be home late and he would get pissed at me if I came home late without saying so. So I went home. 

Now I am sitting at home and I decided to start the blog. I always wanted to start my own blog and I had been sitting on the idea for months now. I had to prepare some stuff on my laptop for university. Tomorrow I got a day wher I have to attend the university and listen to a lot of lectures, study them and remember them. Then in a week I get a test about it. The best 200 candidates will be allowed into the study and the others will be on a waiting list. It is past 12pm now and i need to wake quite early. 

To finish off let me just state some feelings then. I am feeling fine, good even. I am confused about a lot of things but that’s alright. I have to focus on other things and I respect that of my self.