#LET THE MAN LIVE 😔

[ratzhatz14]

thank you for both your T sprout redesigns btw. I like the design of the normal T sprout, but I always felt he was sorta lacking on a interesting gimmick, So these are really cool to see!

Also on a similar note here, what would be your take on T Cosmo? semi hot take but I always felt like T cosmo was in the same boat as T sprout.

I mean the only other toons who don't have any sort of special gimmick are the starter toons you get at the beginning, Poppy and Boxten.

As much as I adore the starter toons, and as much as I understand it was probably either a balance reason or a "we ran out of ideas" reason, it always felt kinda odd to me personally to group him and only him in with the starters.

Even if it's like a super simple one like Shrimpo where he's super slow with a long attention span, I would have liked SOMETHING ;-;

*Descends from the heavens with a redesigned T.Cosmo while some angelic ahh music echoes in the background*

Oh goodness, the way I actually focused on this?? It surprised me

ANYGAY- I MEAN ANYWAY <3

DESIGN;

I didn't like how Cosmo looked like he got some ichor sprinkled on him and called it a day

So I decided to give him the T.Glaze treatment (aka mONCH)

I wanted to keep him close to the og design, but also not too far off.... So I let some twisteds nibble him

I also tried to add a small amount of rot to him, since... Food rots, yadda yadda yadda

[[MANDATORY "READ MORE" BUTTON AAAAAAUGH]]

Idk why I keep adding it... But eh, signature post style!1!1!1!1

[[THIS IDEA WAS NOT MINE!]]

[[The ability was originally from someone's "Main swap AU" but I forgot the name of the creator, so credits/hats off to them!!]]

His ability would be to give a toon a "Rot heart", basically, gives you food poisoning. Your distractor, IS NOW SLOW. Your extractor, NOW IS DUMB. AND YOUR HEALING NOW HARMS OTHERS.

The way to get rid of this heart, is by either losing 2 hearts, or waiting for 10 floors to have it go away on its own (Mains, y'all are fucked if you get hit by Cosmo)

When a toon has the "Rot heart", their animation would be different (like more tired/weak/limping??). So the others would know that you're on rot time, AND give the toons more soul

(unimportant detail) If there was a sprout which died, and Cosmo spawns, then he'll have Sprout's (vintage/normal) scarf, and look even more in pain :3

Idk why I like making my fav ships/characters be miserable... Is it some coping mechanism or am I just a sadist???

WHO CARES, AT LEAST I HAD FUN REDESIGN THIS LIL FELLA :D

[nekrosmos]

"Nikolai had shattered Yegerov's friend's skull with the wrench propped up against the wall nearby. The blood had spattered up his bare torso, matting his chest hair, stained the side of his face. Shirtless, with a buzzcut he hadn't worn since his time in the Russian Air Force, he looked every part the madman he had become."

From this fic by @on-a-lucky-tide

As you can see, the image staid with me.

Alternate versions ( No blood, Nik with hair, lineart) under "keep reading" ⬇️​⬇️​⬇️​

[dizzybizz]

can i interest you in some of my ryuu screenshots.. a bit of a ryuu appreciation post if you will...

his design is so .. simple n kinda basic but he has so much charm,, i'm endlessly charmed by him it's literally so embarrassing... he is just very endearing and cute 👉👈 what a polite young man

and here is me trying to get a clean screenshot of this pose without the dialogue box, a saga:

i'm sad to say that this saga has no real conclusion (yet...) the wind-up animation is long enough for him to start babbling so i'm doubtful i will ever capture the screenshot i want. anyway i love this guy more than i could've ever prepared myself for 😭

[monkee-mobile]

do you think if any of the monkees tried to actually kiss in the 90s special, everything would like glitch out for a bit and a lizard sunning itself of a rock would snap them out of it or would they be able to break free and show the kiss to the people?

[ningningkittie]

i wanna live alone in a space with so many pink and cute things!!!!! 🎀🧸💞

[rogloptimist]

continuously thinking about this clip of a eurosports segment on primoz’s ski jumping career

the section from his former coach is particularly interesting, i’ve seen so many articles where people assume his career ended with his fall at planica but he actually continued jumping for 4 more years and the way those years are discussed here needs to be dissected imo

[hyrulesfav]

♟️🐈‍⬛ is so perfect to me because they just. Get. each other. also they come into the relationship with kids who aren't their kids but one of them is basically their kid so they fall asleep watching bluey or blues clues a lot

[enruint]

davide    cannot remember the true reason    he made the decision of stepping inside this building,    realizing perhaps a tad too late that it was a library.    mind occupied with thoughts that were better left alone to the nights where he was alone,    an empty bottle next to him,    and the chorus of fallen voices desperately trying to drag him into his own man-made abyss.     how easy it was to ignore    the phantoms that haunted him    when hands were busy aiding clients,    striking conversation with them   ━━━    guiding them in their day-to-day life.    making a difference,    an actual difference,    made it easier to carry atlas burdened weights:    if atlas were a monster that is.     it makes one wonder where he thought he was walking into,    making it all too clear that davide more often than not simply functioned on auto-pilot,    allowing limbs to carry him wherever they pleased. often enough far away from the place he called home    ━━━    an empty space.    a graveyard filled with old regrets and mistakes,    occupied by ghosts    whispering sweet nothings within ear    and perhaps even taken over by the spirit of who he could've been.

the library was silent,    reminiscent of his own empty house,    yet where own home was a forgotten garden,    this establishment was like a blooming field veiled by a comfortable silence.    a warmth davide     had been craving for decades    but had always been too scared to ever truly pursue.    how odd it is for scarred fingers to trail across the books within the shelves,    for    calloused hands to carefully hold one within their palms    and languidly go through the pages without really reading it.    the feeling of it within his hold was enough,    to be    grounded in a way    that reminded him of when he was playing game's with the teen's at the group home,    for a moment he simply felt alive and immediately he made sure to bury that lithe flame within heart.    better to crush hope than dare let it bloom where the frozen glades could break it apart.

occasionally he would feel the eyes of @holyscorch following his every move,    sending prickles down his spine,    as if he were the target for once.    was this how his victims had felt  ?    knowing someone was watching them before their inevitable end occurred  ?    he made sure to avoid their gaze,    steel-blue focused upon the book within his hands   ━━━    though reading it he did not.    perhaps it was best for it to call it a day and return home:    would there be enough there to distract him until come morning  ?    book is returned to it's rightful place upon the shelf before    the former hitman    emerges from the looming bookcases,    a phantom running from his own shadow.    wordlessly does he pass the librarian,    gaze focused upon the door,    yet he does not even realize    the storm that waged war outside    until hands wrap around doorknob and sounds come rushing back in   ━━━   as if woken up from a trance.   ❝   well  ....   fuck.   ❞

❝    unfortunately,    you'll have to wait out this storm.   ❞    emrhys acknowledges with a curt tone,     eyes not even looking over out in the windows   –   unnecessary;    given that the storm brewing outside is strong enough to make the windows clatter slightly and the old wood within the library creak every so often beneath the weight of its wind.    while emrhys wasn't so keen on having his guests stay in his library after hours,    he wasn't so cruel to kick them out in the middle of a harsh storm.    besides,    it was only one person,    and this one here seemed like the quiet type.    he gathers up some of the books left behind on some of the tables,    casting a glance to his lonesome visitor.    ❝  that is unless you want to challenge the storm and walk home.    i can't stop you regardless.   ❞

as if he was    being led by a spell    does the voice of the librarian force him to follow their movement across the shared space.    he doesn't move,    doesn't even reply,    like a deer caught in headlights. perhaps it's his silence that prompts them to continue.     sheepish is the way hand rubs the back of his neck,    lips curving upwards    into an attempt of a smile    though he already knows it looks more pained than it does inviting    which is why he allows it to fade way    and instead properly answer them.   ❝    i rather not.    if it's no trouble   ...   then i would gladly wait here until it settles.   ❞    davide never quite looks at the librarian,    gaze either looking at a point next to or behind them.    eventually the    sounds of his boots thumping upon the ground    fill the space,    fitting nicely with the thunderous howl that erupts from the sky.     making his way towards another table does he pick up lone book,    seemingly examining it   ━━━    without looking up does inquiry pass tiers,    ❝   need a helping hand  ?  ❞

[languri]

I cant afford therapy so I decide to make an s/i oc just to make myself happy 🥲 i can finally daydream in peace

[spencecreates]

A messy little fucked up guy to get me through the horrors.

as always. amon belonging to @madie56789

[bunnyb34r]

I need to get another crab or two for Gurkle since it doesnt look like Scupa made it through his molt (it's been over a month... im scared to sift through the substrate for his remains/shell) but I dont wanna feed the crab trade and my adhd/depression are like no ❤️ and my anxiety is like GURKLE NEEDS FRIENDS

Even though he never really was a sociable crab like from the start sggdgdgd i mean he broke out of his tank twice the first week I had him and when he was in the tank with Scupa and Speedy he was like AHHHHHHHHHHHH DONT LOOK AT MEE! 😬

So idk man I can't get anyone new til I find scupa('s shell) bc if he is alive/his remains are down there I don't want the new ones eating him... and then I gotta add new substrate and augh it's just so much shit

[aidenwaites]

Why have all my dreams recently been highly stressful survival scenarios

[wcters]

𝗥𝗢𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗜𝗦 𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝗗𝗘𝗔𝗗 𝗜𝗙 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗞𝗘𝗘𝗣 𝗜𝗧 𝗝𝗨𝗦𝗧 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗥𝗦

pairing: lando norris x fem!reader

summary: alex’s best friend and lando norris meet and something blossoms between them during a project the two are starting

warnings: swearing, pda, established relationships (later), rumours, hate, i do not know the whole magui situation, the comments are for the story, i do not affiliate with any of the beliefs of the people in here | faceclaim is shira klein as requested, i don’t think the international uni of monaco has a fashion program but let’s pretend it does for a hot minute

yourusername

liked by alexandrasaintmleux, yourclassmate, and 1,083 others

yourusername school is kicking my ass rn

view all 38 comments

alexandrasaintmleux my talented best friend 💗💗

↳ yourusername marry me

↳ alexandrasaintmleux yes!

↳ charles_leclerc 🤨🤨🤨

↳ yourusername sorry not sorry 🤷‍♀️

user1 you’re living the dream

yourclassmate no cause why is our professer so hard on us

francisca.cgomes pretty girl 🫠❤️

user2 how is the program there?

↳ yourusername it’s good! very nice people and teachers. i just like to complain 😔

alexandrasaintmleux

liked by yourusername, iamrebeccad, and 320,763 others

alexandrasaintmleux 🍓🍓🍓 dress by the best girl @yourusername

view all 1,012 comments

iamrebeccad beautiful 💕

user1 who is yourusername?

↳ user2 alex’s best friend! she goes to the international university of monaco studying fashion

yourusername i am blushing so hard 😚😚

↳ alexandrasaintmleux love youu

francisa.cgomes 😍😍

user3 fit made by y/n never fails

f1gossip

liked by user1, user2, and 74,974 others

f1gossip alex’s best friend, y/n y/l/n seen in the ferrari garage at the dutch grand prix. she was also seen congratulating lando on his win. what do you think about this? 🤔

view all 218 comments

user1 after magui i’m done

user2 not ANOTHER one

↳ user3 what do you mean?

↳ user2 this is like the sixth girl he’s been seen with

user4 love seeing y/n and alex together 💗

user5 she needs to stay away from him

author i know the timeline doesn’t match up with school semesters but let’s play pretend 😁😁

yourusername

liked by landonorris, alexandrasaintmleux, and 1,103 others

yourusername new project loading . . .

view all 32 comments

alexandrasaintmleux se excited to see the outcome of this one!

user1 girl tell usss 😫😫

yourclassmate i’m still coming up with an idea 😭😭

↳ yourusername   let’s meet up at the library and we can brains together together

↳ yourclassmate you’re my saviour

user2 my dream life

user3 cutie

user4 who’s the man

↳ yourusername   🤫🤫

f1gossip

liked by user1, user2, and 87,025 others 

f1gossip   lando norris seen meeting up with someone who has a striking resemblance to y/n y/l/n, alexandra saint mleux’s best friend. they then made their way to the international university of monaca? does this confirm its lando and y/n?

view all 235 comments

user1 we need to lando and his love life aloneee

user2 first magui and now her? this man is not slowing down

user3 why is he getting with a uni student?

user4 she’s probably just getting with him to get her and alex more attention

↳ user5 her account is literally private? 💀💀

user6 these lando fans need to chill

user7 at least this one’s smart 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

f1gossip

liked by user1, user2, and 87,963 others

f1gossip lando seen with the same girl before but at a restaurant this time. do we think it’s a date?

view all 233 comments

user1 she’s actually so ugly

user2 at this point i’d rather him be with magui 🤦‍♀️

user3 isn’t she a fashion student? shes probably a good digger

user4 she looks pretty

↳ user5 pretty ugly 🤢

yourusername

liked by alexandrasaintmleux, landonorris, and 1,487 others

yourusername the look of love, the rush of blood

view all 42 comments

alexandrasaintmleux so happy for you 💗🥺

↳ yourusername   i love you alex ❤️

user1 arctic monkeys reference !!!

yourclassmate this is why you have so many new ideas 🤨🤨

landonorris ❤️❤️

user2 i’m so jealous rn

niña bonita 😚

i don’t know if this is going to work

niña bonita 😚

if what’s going to work?

me and lando

the hate is crazy and i don’t know if i can handle it

niña bonita 😚

ma belle ☹️☹️

have you tried talking to him?

i don’t want to worry him with it

he already gets enough as it is

niña bonita 😚

oh y/n

whatever you think will help you more mentally and physically, do it

but please tell him. he would hate himself if he knew this was happening and you didn’t tell him

charles is the same

like, i know they don’t know it’s me, that’s just speculation

but they’re still taking digs at ME

what i look like, sound like, what i do

niña bonita 😚

i know honey

and you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling like this either

and before you say you aren’t, you are. i know you

you are NEVER alone. ever.

not with me, not with lando, not with anyone

please don’t go through this alone love 💗

te amo mucho 🥺🥺🥺 (i love you so much)

niña bonita 😚

yo también te amo ❤️

now go and get that takeout you like. i know you’re questioning to or not

f1gossip

liked by user1, user2, and 100,368 others

f1gossip according to a fan, lando’s new girlfriend is y/n y/l/n! she’s a fashion student at the international university of monaco and are best friends with alexandra saint mleux. they were seen together holding hands and kissing. y/n also was there when the fan got a picture with lando

view all 364 comments

user1 she looks like a bitch

user2 she’s probably just using him for clout

user3 she’s not pretty enough to be his girlfriend 🤢🤢

user4 she’s so beautiful

user5 go back to the models @landonorris

landonorris

liked by yourusername, alexandrasaintmleux, and 1,297,034 others

landonorris yes. i do have a girlfriend. no, it is not your business, but yet you’ve made it your business. we wanted to keep it private but now we can’t. the hate that my girlfriend, and any girl seen with me, has been getting is ridiculous. my girlfriend is the sweetest person in the world, and you don’t even bother to try to get to know her before you run her name through the dirt. i have been silent on this for too long. forgive me, my love.

i am so proud of you and what you are doing. thank you for giving me a chance (and saving my style, apparently) ❤️

comments have been disabled

[thewispsings]

Could you do a part 2 to please date my sister in law with max and r getting married?

wedding of the century | max verstappen

part 2 of ‘please date my sister in law’

pairing: max verstappen x reader

summary: one year after charles sets up his sister in law with max, the world is preparing for the wedding of the century.

liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername, landonorris, and 819,717 others!

maxverstappen1: to be wed 💙

view comments below!

user1: OH SHIT ITS HAPPENING

user2: STAY CALM EVERYONE!! STAY CALM!! STAY FUCKING CALM

user3: charles leclerc found yelling out in happiness, 3:21 AM, monaco.

user4: oh my god

user5: omg

user6: the pictures are so cute 🥹

user7: THAT SHOUDLVE BEEN ME

user8: marrying max? or marrying yn?

user7: BOTH

user9: max waited no time to put a ring on that

user10: AHH IM SO EXCITED

user11: i can live out my wedding fantasies through you guys 🥹

user12: i know charles is freaking out rn

charles_leclerc: oh yes. i’ll be over with the binder in five minutes.

user13: he’s actually at lot more calmer then i expected

yoursistersuser: nope! he yelled for a straight ten minutes after this was posted

user14: yeah that sound more like him…

user15: so happy for you two 🤞

landonorris: so when can i pick up my bridesmaid dress?

maxverstappen1: you mean your groomsmen suit?….

landonorris: i know what i meant

user16: i hope max takes her last name

danielricciardo: how funny would it have been if she said no

maxverstappen1: not funny at all

danielricciardo: tough crowd

user17: ahhhh congratulations!!

user18: NO PLS NO

user19; you have shattered my heart

yourusername: FUCK YOU BEAT ME TO IT

maxverstappen1: YOU TOLD ME I COULD MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT FIRST??

yourusername: I LIED I WAS GOING TO BEAT YOU TO IT

maxverstappen1: HAHAH SLOW POKE

user20: these are the two getting married btw

user21: i didn’t want you anyways 😒

liked by, charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1, and 916,016 others!

yourusername: officially a #fiancé! 😾

view comments below!

user22: so it’s real….

user23: why wouldn’t it be real?

user22: idk i was hoping max went crazy and just started making shit up

user24: you know what. hell yeah.

user25: mama a happy future ahead of YOU 💜

user26: CONGRATULATIONS!!

user27: no….

user28: this just broke my heart

user29: so happy for you two 🥹

user30: if anyone deserves this happiness, it’s you!! congratulations 🎊

oscarpiastri: oh he wasn’t kidding

oscarpiastri: you said yes?…

yourusername: i cannot deal with your negativity today oscar

oscarpiastri: IM JUST SAYING

oscarpiastri: you said yes?…

user31: let’s all say thank you charles!!

charles_leclerc: YES THANK YOU CHARLES! WE ALL THANK CHARLES!!

charles_leclerc: and too think they all called me crazy for setting them up!

charles_leclerc: HA

charles_leclerc: and to think…

user32: you’re talking to yourself babe

landonorris: i can’t wait to pick up my bridesmaid dress

yourusername; we talked about this lando

landonorris: i know 😔

user33: does this mean lando isn’t a bridesmaid? because i would KILL to see that man in a dress

user34: HELL YEAH!!

user35: true love, rock on 🤘

user36: 50 percent of marriages end in divorce

user37: genuinely, why would you say this

user36: i’m a hater to my core

user38: no you’re a bitch to your core

user39; oh damn

yoursistersuser: love you babe 💜 but pls tell charles he can calm it with the wedding planning

yourusername: and you think he’ll listen to me?

yoursistersuser: no, but it was worth it a try 💔

liked by, yourusername, maxverstappen1, and 720,015 others!

charles_leclerc: it’s always hows the wedding plannING? and never hows the wedding plannER? 😕

view comments below!

user40: nobody gaf how you are, WHENS THE WEDDING?????

carlossainz: when’s the wedding?

user41: you signed up for this buddy, when’s the fricking wedding???

oscarpiastri: when’s the wedding?

user44: uh huh, uh huh, yep totally agree! when’s the wedding?

user45: who cares, when’s the wedding?

user46: i don’t care, when’s the wedding??

landonorris: when’s the wedding?

user47: don’t give a shit, when’s the wedding?

user48: chop chop wedding planner, when’s the wedding????

danielricciardo: when’s the wedding?

user49: OMG CHARLES NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, WHENS THE WEDDING????

user50: shut up when nobody asks, when’s the wedding????

maxverstappen1: when’s the wedding?

user51: boy who asked? when’s the wedding?????

charles_leclerc: I WAS GOING TO ANNOUNCE THE WEDDING DATE. BUT YOU SICK FUCKS DONT DESERVE IT! SO FUCK YOU ALL!!! YOU WONT KNOW WHEN THE WEDDING IS!! HA HA HA. LOSERS.

user51: charles wait we were joking

user52: don’t pmo

user53: DONT BE SUCH A BABY!!! WHENS THE FUCKING WEDDING?

liked by charles_leclerc, carlossainz, and 1,027,017 others!

maxverstappen1: i’ve reached peak happiness

view comments below!

user53: you are fucking kidding me

user54: CHARLES I WILL KILL YOU

user55: WHAT

user56: WHEN

user57: HOW

user58: WHERE

yourusername; 💙💙

user59: BUT YOU JUST PROPOSED??? LIKE THREE MONTHS AGO

user60: no, you guys are actually so fake for this

user61: wow, i can’t believe this

landonorris: congratulations!! i still think me as a bridesmaid would’ve been amazing but….

maxverstappen1: let it go lando

landonorris; FINE

user62: charles when i find you

user63: i say we all kill charles on his birthday

user64: how could you guys do this to me??

oscarpiastri: loved the shrimp! 🦐

user65: THEY HAD SHRIMP

user66: charles planned a whole wedding in 3 months???

use67: that’s actually so impressive

liked by charles_leclerc, oscarpiastri, user68, and 927,518 others!

yourusername: i win! 👰‍♀️

view comments below!

user68: you’re actually fucking kidding me. charles leclerc when i find you

user69: not to much now, he did plan this in 3 only months

charles_leclerc: THANK YOU!! HOW ABOUT SOME APPRECIATION FOR MY PLANNING

user70: stfu. it’s your fault non of us knew when the wedding was going to be

user71: these pictures are so cute 🥰

user78: living through you guys rn

user79: someday i hope to be married to someone who loves me as much as max loves yn

user80: con😭gra😭tula😭tions😭

user81: so happy for you guys!!! i will go kill myself now!!!

user82: THAT SHOULDVE BEEN ME

user83: that man did NOT wait to put a ring on it

user84: if he wanted to, he would

user85: let this be a reminder to women that if someone wanted to marry you, they would!! congratulations 💙

oscarpiastri: loved the shrimps 🍤

user86: we get it oscar

oscarpiastri; no. you don’t. the shrimp were delicious.

user87: don’t brag

oscarpiastri: i’ll brag all i want. you can’t do anything about it because i had the shrimp and you didn’t 😹

user88: oh damn

user89: someone’s passionate about the shrimp…

yoursistersuser: love you to the moon and back 🌙

yourusername:💛💛💛

charles_leclerc: i’m hearing a lot of ‘love you’ and ‘shrimps’ but i’m not hearing enough ‘thank you charles for planning a beautiful wedding in 3 months and taking time out of your very BUSY racing career to make sure my wedding was amazing’

yourusername: don’t act like you didn’t beg me to let you plan the wedding

maxverstappen1: yeah, me and yn were fine with eloping

charles_leclerc: please guys, no need to thank me! it was my pleasure ❤️

oscarpiastri: the shrimp were great man

liked by carlossainz, maxverstappen1, user90, and 710,761 others!

charles_leclerc: since no one else will say it 😒 thank you charles for planning a beautiful wedding in 3 months and taking time out of your very BUSY racing career to make sure my wedding was amazing

view comments below!

user91: i’m still pissed at you for not telling us when the wedding is

user91: it was a beautiful wedding tho

charles_leclerc: thank you charles!!

charles_leclerc: of course charles!!!

charles_leclerc: beautiful work!! especially with the very short time you were given

user92: maybe we shouldn’t let charles plan anymore weddings, it looks like they’ve drove him insane

carlossainz: i look gorgeous

oscarpiastri: the shrimps were chef kiss 🤌

landonorris: what is with you man?

georgerussell63: are you still drunk?

user93: charles posting more photos then the actual people who got married is so funny 😭

user93: it really sums up their relationship

user94: beautiful wedding planning charles!! 👏

user95: how much do you charge??

user96: i still can’t believe yn and max got together, engaged, and married in less then 2 years

user97: i bet she’s pregnant

user98: WOAH

user99: where tf did that come from

user100: or maybe they just love each other??? not everyone waits years and years hoping that their shitty bf will propose to them

user101: oh! okay!

user102: you ate those decorations up charles

user103: the flowers??? gorgeous

user103: if yn and max ever divorce, i will kill myself

oscarpiastri: great shrimp 🥰

user14: what tf is wrong with you

. . .

thank you fo rrequesting!!! life’s been busy but i hope you guys didn’t forget me 🩶

[vitaminyoo]

Dating apps are so overWHELMING

[happy74827]

One Call Away

[Wade Wilson x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: During one of his "jobs," Deadpool gets a call from his favorite gal [GIF Creds: jdsheart]

WC: 1970

Category: Fluff, Major Comedy {TW: Deadpool’s Humor/Nonfiltered Personality}

This man is so hard to write. I’m always stressing the noggin when it comes to planning and plotting 😔

『••✎••』

"And away we go..."

One neck crack and a couple of hip twists later, he was off like Aladdin and his fucktoy carpet, scaling the building similarly to a chameleon on LSD.

The only thing that was missing was some epic music.

He'd been chasing this baddie around the city for almost two days now. Some big-shot mob boss with ties to Hydra, or the Mafia, or the Yakuza, or some other three-letter-acronym organization. It was hard to keep track of them all at this point. They were all the same, except for the name.

They all had their own agenda.

Kill him, keep him prisoner, pay him off...

Wade never cared enough to listen because it was always the same. He just got hired to do the dirty work, and the pay was good.

The killing was better.

This one, however, was particularly good at eluding him. He'd been trying to get his hands on this man for a few days now. It wasn't as though he was trying to be stealthy or anything, either. He'd walked right up to his front door, knocked, and was greeted with a spray of machine gun bullets.

So, the usual.

But then the guy ran and didn't stop. It was like the fucking Roadrunner met Sonic the Hedgehog, and they decided to fuck around and find out.

Wade was getting real sick and tired of being a Roadrunner, too. He had a reputation to uphold. He wasn't known as the Merc with the Mouth for nothing. He was supposed to be the one doing the running and the killing.

Not the other way around.

Finally, finally, he managed to reach the roof where the guy was currently taking cover behind a small brick shack. The sun was rising, but it was still dark, and there were a couple of floodlights shining on the rooftop. It made him think of the night he'd had that heart-to-heart with Blind Al, even though all she really wanted was for him to bring her some of that special brownie mix.

What a night that had been.

But anyway, this monologue is starting to get too long, and we should probably move things along, eh?

Right.

So, the baddie.

His name was something long and non-English.

Salvatore, or Santino, or Salvation... Whatever the fuck it was, it didn't really matter. What mattered was that it was time to make him dead.

He stepped around the corner and was met with a spray of bullets, all of which lodged themselves into his Kevlar vest.

"Oh, come on!" he yelled over the sound of the gunfire. "This is real leather, you know. I'm tired of all the offscreen sewing and shit."

When the spray finally ended, he took a moment to catch his breath.

"…ow," he whispered to himself.

"You shouldn't have followed me here," the man said.

"Yeah, whatever," Deadpool replied. "Look, I'll make this easy for you. You drop down and give me fifty, and I'll let you keep that hideous mustache you're sporting."

The man's eyes widened in surprise.

"It's not that bad, is it?"

"Yes, yes it is," Deadpool assured him. "You got a squirrel living in it or something?"

"It's just a little bit of gray, you dick," the man argued. "What about you? What's with the mask? Are you hiding a mustache under there, too, or something? Maybe some acne scars?"

Deadpool shook his head and stepped forward, his guns drawn.

"Don't come any closer!"

"You know, this would be much more intimidating if you didn't look like a cartoon mouse."

"Stop it with the mustache!"

"Alright, alright," Deadpool said. "Enough with the mustache. But what is it about your hairline? I can't put my finger on it."

The man sighed in exasperation and pulled out his pistol, aiming it right at Deadpool's face.

"Hey now, don't point that at me," Deadpool scolded him. "That's not a very nice thing to do."

He ignored him and pulled the trigger, a loud boom ringing out as the bullet fired. It whizzed by him but missed its mark.

"You really are a dick," He grumbled before aiming his gun right between the man's eyes. And he was going to shoot, honest.

He really was.

But then his phone rang, and he was well-reminded of the current song playing through his head.

I'm a buff baby that can dance like a man. I can shake-ah my fanny, I can shake-ah my can!

Needless to say, he was distracted.

He lowered his gun and looked down at his pocket, where his phone was still ringing and still vibrating against his leg.

"Shit, hold that thought," He said to the guy, and he holstered his gun.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing?!"

Deadpool put his finger up to shush him before pulling his phone out of his pocket to answer it.

If you're an evil witch, I’ll punch you for fu—

"Heyyyy," he said in a sing-songy voice, "you've reached the phone sex hotline. For kinks and fetishes, press one. For booty calls, press two. For your favorite mercenary, press three."

"Ey, pendejo—" His opponent started, but he cut him off by snapping and raising his finger.

"Cut it, Tuco Salamanca. Breaking Bad called and wants its meth-cooking mustache back."

"Wha-I-you-"

"Anyways, this is your favorite merc speaking. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?"

"Is this a bad time?"

Wade's eyes widened in shock, and his jaw dropped open when he heard her voice on the other end of the line.

"Baby girl! Is that you? Oh, how I've missed your voice. It's like hearing an angel, or an angelic chorus, or a whole bunch of angels, but you're the most important one. Like, the lead singer or something."

"I literally saw you last night." Your voice was always drenched with the most amazing kind of sarcasm, and he'd missed it.

"And?"

"It's only been a few hours."

"And?"

"That's a short amount of time."

"And?"

You sighed, but he knew you weren't really annoyed.

"Anyways, you sounded busy," you continued, "so I'll just let you go."

"What?! No! Don't hang up!" He shouted into the receiver. "I've only fiddled with my pistols! Nothing interesting is happening right now!"

"Your pistols, huh?" You asked a hint of mischief in your voice.

"Well, yeah. They're the most important part of the mission, you know."

In the corner of his eye, he could see his target making his way towards the edge of the building. Quickly and efficiently, without dropping his attention from his conversation with you, he lifted his gun and fired a shot at the man's knee.

"Ah, fuck!" the man screamed in pain. "My knee!"

"Hey! Language!" Deadpool scolded him. "The lady of the house is listening!"

"Lady of the- what the fuck?!"

"I said language, you mustachioed rat!"

"Mustachioed rat?" You asked.

"Sorry, babe," he replied. "You know how excited I get when Downtown Abbey is on."

“There’s gunshots in Downtown Abbey?"

"Gunshots? Oh, no, no. That was… uh, a car alarm. Yeah, the neighbor's car alarm was going off."

"Uh-huh," you said, not sounding very convinced. And, of course, that was right around the time the guy's gun went off again, this time hitting him square in the shoulder. It made the phone fall out of his hand and clatter onto the ground, but the call was still connected.

"Dammit!" He yelled, looking at the fresh blood dripping down his arm. "That's gonna take forever to heal!"

"Who are you talking to?" The man demanded, his gun still aimed at Deadpool's face. "You're working with someone?"

"Hey, now, I don't remember giving you permission to talk," Deadpool told him, holding his bloody arm up to his face. "Look, I've gotta call you back, babe. I know it's been so heartbreakingly long—"

"Again, only a few hours," you said.

"—but duty calls. Love you, bye."

"Love you, bye."

With that, the line disconnected.

"Ugh," he groaned, his heart aching for the loss of your sweet voice. "I miss her already."

"Ey," his opponent growled, drawing his attention. He started speaking in rapid-fire Spanish, which Deadpool didn't really understand, but he didn't have to. The guy was just ranting and raving.

"Alright, alright, chill," Deadpool said. "Just calm down. It’ll all be over soon, little buddy."

"I am not little! I am a giant!" The guy protested, and Wade could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. "And I will not chill!"

"Well, can't argue with that, I guess," Deadpool said with a shrug, and he took aim. But before he could pull the trigger, the guy was running again.

"Hey, what did I tell you about running?!" He yelled, but his voice fell on deaf ears as the guy reached the ledge.

"I am a giant!"

"No, you're a giant asshat!"

"I will not be bested by some masked buffoon!"

"Buff? Me? Why, I never!"

"You're the biggest asshole I've ever met!"

"You know what? I am a big ass! A big, round, bubbly ass." He paused for a second. "Hey, what's your favorite flavor?"

"Fuck you, you red-clad imbecile!"

"You know, I'd ask you out to dinner first, but we're kinda past that now."

"Argh!"

"Alright, enough stalling," Deadpool said. "It's time to end this."

"Yes," the guy said, turning his gun back on Deadpool. "It is."

Of course, Deadpool being the smart-ass he was, he'd already taken a step to the side. As the bullet whizzed past him, he reached for his gun.

"Now, where did I put that thing? Oh, there it is."

He aimed the gun and fired, and the man fell back onto the ground. The bullet hit him right in the middle of his forehead, his blood splattering all over the concrete.

"Ha ha! Fatality. Deadpool wins!" He said, his voice taking on the deep, grounded tone of the narrator from Mortal Kombat. "Flawless Victory."

He stood over the body for a few seconds, reveling in his victory, before he felt the presence of another.

The gun on his right side got ripped from its holster, and the barrel was aimed back into his face, as it always seems to be.

But, he already sensed it was coming, so his fingers wrapped around his other and aimed that right in the golden spot… and let’s just say, The Golden Girls was a little less golden and a lot more crimson.

"Wow, this has got to be a record," He said as he bent down to stare at the new one’s anguish. "Two dead ugly mustaches in the same day. You can call me Sweeney Todd because shit… I just shaved you the fuck up."

He didn’t give the poor bastard a chance to even whimper before he fired another two shots into the man's head. All in all, this had been the easiest payday he'd had in a while.

He picked up his cell phone and slipped it back into its pocket before bending down and scooping up the mustache man's pistol.

"Ooh, lookie here, a nice, shiny new pistol," he said to himself. "Just what I've always wanted. Well, I don't actually need it. It's not like I have any other holes in my body, but you know what they say. The more the merrier."

He stuffed the gun in his holster and turned around, heading back the way he'd come.

"Time to get back to the good stuff," he said. "I have a date with my favorite girl."

He hopped up onto the ledge and looked down, his eyes locking on the window to his apartment.

And when he arrived, bloody and battered, you could only smile while holding up little ole Mary Puppins in all her drooling glory.

God, how he missed his girls.