#LEAVING THIS FOR FUTURE ME TA DECIDE WHEN WE GET THERE I DONT WANT TA THINK ABT THAT RN

[spaciebabie]

i have been debating whether or not ta kill off this character for 5 years now

[gencat21]

Unexpected • Lee Taeyong (1)

(I did not give the boyfriend a name, not worth it haha.)

Autumn is just beautiful, watching the trees turn orange and how the floor was often full of their leaves was the most pretty and annoying thing for you. You love the cold breeze hitting your face, love the taste of coffee on your tongue, and love walking peacefully with your boyfriend talking about how your day has gone before going to the next class in half an hour. "I may be getting a good job as a music teacher. My piano teacher has been recommending me to a lot of people and after winning that competition last summer I've been getting a lot of emails. Also, a company contacted me, and they are interested in the songs I've written." You explain with enthusiasm, while he observed you with that smile of his.

"My little future Beethoven. Everybody wants you. But not as much as I do." He gets closer to kiss your forehead sweetly, but your thoughts are somewhere else, keeping you to react to his sweetness.

"There's even an offer abroad. Can you believe that?"

His smile turn softly to a straight line while he looks at you in disbelief. He wanted to smile for you, but he can't fake a smile. "Are you really considering that one?"

"It's on the states, but it's the best offer I've ever gotten."

"You really are, wow." He steps backward and laughs ironically. "I mean so little to you that you take that decision without even consulting it with me?" And your mouth fells open at how mad he was getting by the second. You were expecting to see him happy for you, after all it was an offer that you couldn't turn down.

"You don't have to get mad about this," you say sweetly so he would calm down, but he was looking somewhere else with a frown, which was starting to make you mad as well. "I have time to think about until graduation but I won't be turning that one down just because you want me to."

"How can you be so selfish?" And with that your sweet side disappear in the thin air. He was really saying that to you as if he wasn't thinking about his own words and you think it's useless to talk to him right now because he was getting madder.

"I have classes right now."

"Your class starts in 25 minutes."

"Well, I left a piano in the dance room, and the teacher needs it." That's wasn't a lie. So you take your leave trying to brush your boyfriend off your mind, but you were still thinking about the conversation you just had. "Calling me selfish when he was being selfish too, who does he even think he is? He's not my father, is the freaking crazy." You ramble while walking obviously mad to the practice room hating the fact that you left it there this morning. Why did you agree to play piano on the ballet presentation one week away? Yes, it was going to make everything more beautiful, but now you had more things to do.

You find Ten on the way and stop ranting to approach him without saying anything. You hold his wrist and continue walking, deciding by yourself that he was going to help you to move the keyboard from one side of campus to the other. "Why are you so mad today? Are you going to kill me?" He asks with that smile you loved and hated, he smiles way too much. A beautiful smile like that should be totally illegal.

"I hate men,"

"Are you becoming lesbian now?"

"No, women judge way too much. I hate them as well." You end up saying and laugh because of the conversation.

"Where are you taking me? Our class is the other way."

"Just help me move the keyboard, I will pay you back with fruit."

"But I hate fruits,"

"I know,"

"If you give me fruits I will throw it at you. But I'll accept tea." You like him as a friend. You've always wondered why you both weren't actually closer since he was a sweet and nice person to be around. But you had two different lives, so you just were glad that you both had a lot of classes in common, and that was enough for you. He made classes shorter by sitting with you, and you were thankful. Shortly, you both arrive at the building, and from that distance, you could hear the loud music playing in the dance room. The closer you got, the louder it was. The door was partially open, so you carefully approach the door to spy on whoever was dancing inside.

Inside the dance, room was a guy moving his body to the rhythm of the music. You never had the talent to dance that upbeat kind of music, leaving classical music as your cup of tea, but doesn't change the fact that you wish you could dance the way he can. Ten behind you peeks for a second as well and then taps your shoulder to get your attention. "Y/n, we need to go." Reminding you that your walk back was not short. Sadness covers your eyes since you wanted to see the end of the choreography, even if it was only the guy's back you were seeing. but you know he's right. Your eyes travel to Ten, who just shrugs at you. Suddenly the music stops.

His familiar face was turned to your direction, glancing at you with nothing more than a frown. "Who gave you the right to spy me?" His voice sends shivers down your spine because of how pissed he was of being spied.

"I wasn't," you step inside and your index finger points to your piano in a corner, his eyes follow your finger and then he looks again at you.

"Take it quick and leave, you're wasting my time." You avoid his gaze since it was a little intimidating sometimes. You've been used to seeing that guy for... As long as you can remember. For some strange reason, your paths are the same. Same high school, and weirdly, same art school. But you've never heard his voice until now, you've never had the chance to have a conversation, and you never wanted to. He's always had the bad boy aura, and you wanted nothing to do with it. He's always been the pretty bad boy that you made sure not to cross paths with, even though it was impossible

You know he never noticed you before, and hat even when he was a bad boy you had nothing to worry about because your social life was completely different. Until now that his scary gaze was following you around the room, watching your every move and that makes you uneasy. For a reason, they named him the scary pretty guy back on your school days. "Are you going to be here all day?" Ten asks Taeyong casually, you forgot they were friends for a moment there, but it was luck to you, since for that reason he stopped looking at you.

"Almost, we'll be waiting for you. Jaehyun and Johnny are on their way here right now, Mark went out a couple minutes ago."

"I have piano classes right now and then I will be free," he picks up your keyboard while you silently take the stand and make your way out of the room, glad that Ten distracted Taeyong. "See you in two hours." You hear him say, followed by him leaving the room behind you. You felt you could finally breathe, surprised that as soon as he stare at you, your breathing stop. He was breathtakingly handsome, but that was not the reason why you felt like that. Was the bad boy aura he has. "He just hates people seeing his choreographies when is not finished." Ten explain to you due to the silence that you hold.

"I don't care," you don't.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

8:23 pm says your phone when a text message pops up. You gasp in shock, realizing that you had been there longer than expected. It was normal for you to lose track of time when you were composing, but this time the hours really went by quicker than expected. You parted ways with Ten at five when your class ended, by staying in the piano classroom and played until the message from your boyfriend brought you back to reality. You slowly pick up your stuff, throwing your phone inside your bag not wanting to even read his text. But as soon as you step out of the building, your phone starts to vibrate, letting you know you had a call.

Annoyed, you look for your phone on your bag to see him calling you. "Yes?"

"I'm in the parking lot, let me take you home." His normal sweet voice appears on the other side, you roll your eyes in response as if he could see you. You just stayed silent on the entrance looking at your feet. "Or at least let's talk. I can't stand the fact of falling asleep while being mad at each other." Not standing the silence anymore. "Please."

"Sure, see you in a bit." The walk to the parking lot was the shortest walk you've ever had on the campus, you did not want to talk about anything right now because you were starting to see the real him. The not very supportive one, the one that may hold you back on a future. That may be the real one, and you were not ready to actually meet him. But you have to. His figure is against his car in the parking lot where there were only two cars, his and another way a few lots to the right. His eyes were on you the whole walk to his car, and you dont know what to feel about it. "Look, I thought about it,"

"Are you staying?"

" I—” you stop talking realizing you were about to raise your voice after that, and take a deep breath. "I will not make that decision right now, but I want you to be on my side and understand me instead of being against me. This is my future we're talking about in here.” you express your feeling, glad that he was listening to you in silence. " Do you understand?"

"But you can have a nice future, what is the matter with staying here?" He does not understand

"I do not know what I will do," you argue. "I just want you to be on my side not matter what decision I make."

"You will stay here with me." He says, as it was so easy, but the way he says it just bothered you. The demanding tone gets on your nerves.

"Stop saying it like that, you don't get to choose what I will do. This is my life."

"Oh, I see. You want to break up with me and fuck every single dude you see, like you went to fuck that guy instead of actually going to class?"

"What are you ta—"

"You thought I didn't see you leaving me alone to go for a guy? And you were still here when is not usual for you to be here? I went to your apartment and your roommate told me you were here. What were you doing?" Your expression shifts to one of disbelief and hurt.

"I can't believe you think I would do something like that to you," saying it was harder than thinking about it. A single tear rolls down your cheek, one that you quickly swipe away. "If you think like that, we have to break up. I'm leaving, and do not fucking call me ever again." You spit, then turn around to walk away containing the tears from falling. You do not want to cry near than man to show how weak you were. Obviously, you are weaker than he is.

You just feel the pain on your wrist and how harshly you are turned around to face him, "That hurts!" You whine, not being able to avoid the look he has. You've never seen his so mad, before, even less looking at you. The feeling of not being able to do anything was frustrating as he held your other wrist too. "Let me go, what are you doing?"

"So I'm right? How many guys have you fucked?"

"Let me fucking go!"

"You forgot you were only mine?"

"Fuck you!" You do not know where the strength to say to that man that had you under his control came out from, neither how by instinct your knee fly between his legs and make him let you go without wanting. Your breathing is audible, and you tell yourself to run away but you could not move at all. In shock, you stare at how he falls on the floor and stays there for a minute. Why could you not move? Why you have to stay there when you could run away and disappear somewhere he could not find you? Why do you wait until he stands up again and without thinking slaps your face so hard you fall on the floor? By then, Isn't it too late? Where did the strong Y/n escape to? He walks again to you, so you look for something around you that you could hit him with, but there's nothing. You close your eyes hard, waiting for whatever he is going to do to you, until the sound of a strong punch makes an appearance, and then you see from the corner of your eye how the man ready to hit you is on the floor holding his face with closed eyes. "Taeyong?" You ask yourself, seeing the familiar clothes you saw in the practice room earlier on the day.

You thought you had seen the scariest look on him, but that was not true. Now you could see what he really looks like when he is mad. Meanwhile, he's punching your now ex-boyfriend like his life depended on it. It was not the fact that he was hitting the man you can't say you don't love anymore, but the fact that you hated violence. Throwing punches in a reckless way like a person body was the easiest thing to hurt. "S—stop!" You voice comes out, but you know there was no way that with the sound of punches he heard you. You crawl to where they are and grab Taeyong's hand so he would stop.

He does and stands up so quickly that you barely could see him running to his car, grabbing something and coming out again. Your ex stands up, and follows him until you see him stop abruptly. That clicking sound just sends panic all over your body. "Do not fucking touch her ever again."

"Man, put that down," he says, giving a few steps backward.

"Taeyong, stop that!"

"I will make sure you don't fucking touch her from now on, if you look at her, if you get near her, even if you fucking think of her I will make sure is the last time you ever do." He spits the words out with some much hatred in his voice that you even lost yours. Your mouth moves like it screaming but you can't hear yourself.

From there, you start seeing how everything goes down on slow motion. How you lose sight of what was going on for a second while Ten sees your state and hugs you. Your tears rolling down in desperation wanting everything to just stop. You see how Jaehyun, Johnny, and Mark appear in the scene trying to calm Taeyong, while your ex gets in his car and leaves without even looking at you once. Mark slowly takes the gun, that God knows why he has it on his car, while Johnny holds Taeyong and says things you can't hear nor see, you just glare over Ten's shoulder and let all the tears come out. Your arms hug him when you see that nothing bad really happened besides the bastard having a black eye and bruises on his face. "It's alright," your sense of hearing lets you hear Ten murmuring it to you while your big sobs become little.

Your eyes go to the man that stares at your crying self on the floor. That anger and hatred disappeared out of the blue, now there was an expression that you could not recognize as he took a few slow steps. Your hands softly push Ten away from you, and as a mechanism of defense you back away. "Do not touch me!" You demand at the man that wanted to get near you and check if you were fine. Taeyong just wanted to ignore your words and get near, but your tears and your shaking hand made him stand still.

"I can explain,"

"Y—you don't need to explain anything to me, I don't want to know," you stand up with a great amount of effort since your legs were shaking the same way your whole body was. You forget about your bag, you just wanted to lock yourself on your apartment and forget it all happened. As if it was possible. You knew all the boys you've crossed paths a few times before where looking at your weak figure trying to walk away, and it was the most heartbreaking thing they have seen. Taeyong notices your bag on the floor, but before he could pick it up Ten does. "You've done enough, I will give it to her and take her home."

Mark gets closer to him before the others and places a hand on his shoulder when your figure besides Ten's disappears from their sight. "Let's go,"

Taeyong takes his hand off of his shoulder softly. "Please don't touch me," calmly says before starting to walk to his car.

(Any mistakes I didn't see, please let me know so I can change it. Thank you!)

[paperback-writers-blog1]

The Secret

By: ModLennon & ModMcCartney

Rating: T

Pairing: John/Paul

Summery: Modern AU! John meets a boy with a secret, but will he ever find out what it is?

Chapter 3/?

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Tags: @the-beatle-queen

When Paul took off John got truly worried. Something was wrong! And Paul was saying he had to protect him? He couldn't let him run off like that, he had to at least try to stop him.

"Hey, woah! Paul come back!"

John took off after him. Paul wasn't really thinking about being careful and as he ran over a worn dip in the pavement he stumbled and fell to his knees. He couldn't find the energy to get up. He just stayed there, sniffling and not caring if he got funny looks. John was able to catch up to him quickly then. He immediately knelt down to check Paul over.

"Are you hurt??" He looked so worried, horrified at the idea of Paul hurting in any way, whether physical or emotional.

Paul just shook his head. He couldn't look at John. John carefully pulled Paul into a little hug.

"Cmon Paul.. what's all this business about protectin me? You dont have ta worry so much.. if ya don't feel the way I do.. I'll recover. I'm okay with bein friends, you know..."

John couldn't help but think it had to do with that. He simply had no idea what Paul was going through.

"N... no I... I'll hurt ya....I... I like ya f...far too m...much but we... we can't.... I can't.... can't..."

Paul would never be able to be just friends with John.

"Paul.." John spoke softly, lifting Paul's chin to look at him properly. "It's gonna be okay. Whatever this is about... it's okay. We don't have ta move fast. We don't have ta set any kind of expectations for the future. Just relax, yeah? I just wanna spend time with you, as much time as I can while I can, okay?"

"But when the time comes-"

"Then we'll deal with whatever this is about."

John had a sinking feeling, but he wasn't lying. If Paul was terminally ill or something similar, which it was starting to seem like what with how secretive he could be and the vague comments he made now, John still wasn't lying. He wanted to spend as much time with Paul as he could.

"For now, won't you let me take you home?"

"There... there can be no ‘we’ in the matter, don't ya get it? All I can do is leave ya behind an...an just...hurt ya."

Paul fell forward so his forehead rested against Johns shoulder. John's assumption was pretty much solidified by that comment. He hugged Paul tighter, feeling the strangest little ripping in his chest at the very thought.

"Then stay with me now, while you can." He spoke in barely more than a whisper.

Paul just nodded. How could he say no to John now? He understood the situation and he was still wanting to try for a little while. He was willing to have his heart broken to spend a little time with Paul. He knew either way John would lose him. If he didn't pick John he'd have to leave eventually. If he did...Paul swallowed and sat up.

"Alright... alright."

John relaxed a bit at that.

"Did ya hurt your knee?" He looked worried. He had seen Paul fall and wanted to make sure he wasn't too banged up from it before they got up to walk.

Paul gave a little nod. While he was sure he could probably walk on it, there was a nice lump forming. Besides he wanted an excuse to keep hold of John.

"Here, get on my back, I'll carry ya back." John insisted.

He knew he could just let Paul lean on him for support, but he wanted Paul closer. He wanted to show Paul he would carry him through whatever.

"Ya... ys sure?"

Paul knew he wasn't exactly fat, but he was pretty much the same size as John.

John nodded, "of course."

He smiled kindly and shifted so that Paul could easily climb on his back. Paul was unsure but still got himself settled on Johns back.

"Dya know where Forthlin Road is?"

"Yeah actually. That's right near me..."

John sounded a bit shocked again. Paul lived that close to him... and he had never seen him before today? It didn't seem possible. When Paul was settled he started walking. Paul relaxed completely. He didn't usually like others carrying him, self-conscious about his weight, but John was so comfortable.

"Now ya know where I live I suppose there's not a whole lot I can do ta stop ya comin round ey?" He sounded quite happy about that, despite everything.

"Not a chance. And I'm not the kinda guy who waits three days or whatever other nonsense people do these days. I'll be pestering you as soon as possible." He sounded very pleased with himself. He wanted to spend every free moment he had learning more about Paul.

"Well... this will be interesting to say the least." Paul commented.

"I can promise you that much."

John spoke with so much fondness in his voice it was almost even alarming to him.

"That and I have never taken a boy home ta meet dad before." Paul chuckled.

"Is he very strict?" John asked, for once actually sounding a little nervous. His own experiences with parental figures in his life had left him wary of parents.

"I wouldn't say strict. Just... protective."

Paul had a feeling it wouldn't exactly surprise Jim, to bring back a boyfriend. But anyone he brought back would be under a lot of scrutiny until Jim was satisfied they wouldn't hurt Paul.

"I can handle protective."

John could understand that, after all. He felt strong urge to protect Paul himself, so he was sure he'd get along with others who shared that feeling.

"And Mikes younger so he don't get a say in who I see." Paul joked.

John laughed at that. When he spoke again it was in a much softer voice.

"Dya think they'll like me?" More than anything, families made him insecure.

Paul had a little think, wanting to answer truthfully.

"Yeah... I think they will."

John seemed to relax a bit, though he'd been unaware of it he had automatically tensed up when Paul's father was brought up. Paul rested his chin on his arm. He could easily fall asleep like this.... he found he had dozed off a bit, only to be brought back to reality by John asking which number.

"Huh...?" He mumbled as his brain caught up. "Oh... 20... we already here?"

"Unfortunately, yeah..."

John really didn't want to leave Paul now, but he couldn't stay by his side forever really.

"Oh... well now I gotta decide if we should say bye at the door or if I should invite ya to my room."

Paul hated the idea of John leaving.

"Hmm.. dya have classes in the morning? I wouldn't wanna keep ya up, but if you're not doin anything else..."

Paul shook his head.

"Then I'll leave it up ta you," John smiled.

"W....well... would ya?" Paul asked almost shyly.

"I would love to." John said sounding so sure.

The more time he could get with Paul, the better.

"Ya just wanna be nosey ey?" Paul giggled.

When they got to the door, he carefully got off John and let them in.

"Oh, of course." John grinned. "I wanna see how ya keep your room. I bet ya keep it nice and tidy. And i bet... hm.. i bet ya alphabetize all your records and books or movies or whatever else ya got in there."

"I do not!" Paul gasped.

Paul shut the door behind them and yelled a hello to anyone around then led John up to his room. It was neat, but not so tidy. Paul hadn't exactly been expecting company so didn't tidy up. He blushed a bit. John looked very amused when he saw it.

"I guess I'm not always right. That's okay though, we'll get along even better than i thought."

He instantly went to look through Paul's record collection. It was obvious Paul took care of his collection. It was the tidiest thing in the room. On the shelf were various record and record player cleaning items. It seemed to be a little music corner, as Pauls guitar was on its stand near the shelves. His desk had a few scattered guitar picks of various thickness and colour. His favourite was stuck in the strings of his guitar. His desk was a whole other story. It was a creative mess. Not one thought was ordered, scraps of paper with drawing practise were laying mixed in with his actual collage work and some lyrics. A few of Pauls favourite lyrics that he wanted to really work on were pinned to a cork board above the desk. There seemed to be some kind of order there, with lyrics on the left side of the board while college notes were on the right. Other than that it was an ordinary room, a shelf of books and dvds, his laptop on his bed. A wardrobe with a few posters on, showing Paul did enjoy modern bands too. He had a muse tour poster, one for the American idiot musical, a small Elvis tribute act with a little signature in the corner and a clearly vintage Elvis poster in a frame on the wall. On top of some draws were various family pictures. It was a small room but had so much of Pauls character packed in. John took his time looking at everything. He didn't speak as he did, just silently walked through observing everything he could. The room told him so much about Paul and he wanted to learn everything he possibly could. Paul took his shoes and jacket off then sat on his bed.

"Well? Now ya here... did ya have any idea what ya would do once ya did?"

"I had a few," John looked over with a wicked grin. "But tonight I wanna keep things simple." He finished flipping through Paul's stack of books and finally went to sit on his bed. "When did you first start collecting records?"

John went right back to asking questions. He couldn't help himself. He just wanted to know everything. Even the things that might seem boring to others.

"Um... when I was about 11/12. Mum showed me a record she had and I liked it so much she said I could keep it. We used ta go record shoppin."

"Which record was it?"

John was very interested in that. His own mother was the one who got him into records as well. Paul stood up and went to the shelf. He flicked through until he found it. He carefully pulled out a best of Buddy Holly and handed it to John.

"She said she remembered Grandma playing it when she was younger. Probably not this exact record but... yknow."

"Ahhh Buddy Holly.." John smiled appreciatively as he looked it over. "So you've always had good taste then."

Paul blushed a bit. "W...well thanks ta her. Left ta dad it'd be jazz an brass bands."

"I'm sure she's quite proud of the collection you've got now."

Paul suddenly went quiet and turned his back to John, finding something to distract himself instead of responding to the comment. John wasn't too sure, but it did seem a bit odd. He moved so he could hug Paul from behind, resting his chin on Paul's shoulder.

"Paul... I want your whole life story. From the very beginning.. from your first memories.. tell me everything that led to you being this person, with those posters and those books... tell me about your favourite films and your favourite place to play as a child. I wanna know everything."

Paul quickly wiped his eyes.

"Well I... I can't remember /everythin/..." he mumbled.

"That's okay. Just tell me everything you do remember."

John wasn't stupid. He could tell something was a bit off after the comment he had made. He could only assume the worst.

"W...well I dunno where ta start... a lot of it is... borin growin up stuff yknow."

"I don't think I'll find any of it boring," John said with a smile.

"I can't think of anythin you'd really wanna know." Paul shrugged. "What I went ta school, rode a bike, hung out with friends?"

"Mmm.. tell me about your friends? Maybe favourite childhood memory?"

As John spoke he laid back on Paul's bed, making himself at home. He wanted to get a feel for Paul's life, see what he saw every night before bed.

"Oh... well I dunno... I mean I never had any like... really close friends. Coz we move around so much yknow? An kids ain't great at keepin in touch..." Paul paused for a moment. "Well... for a few years I did but... moved again so we fell outta touch." Paul found he never had problems making friends. But he did have difficulty keeping them. Mostly because he got secretive, hid away a lot and disappeared for months on end. Most of them just moved on. "Best childhood memory? Well... usually when we managed to go to a beach. Formby was the best but we would sometimes travel to New Brighton or Blackpool."

There it was again, a sudden fondness for water, specifically the sea. Which didn't add up to how he behaved around water.

"Huh, I was kind of under the impression ya didn't like water. Ya seemed so skiddish at the docks..."

John wondered briefly if something had happened during one of those beach days that traumatized Paul. That could explain the love and hate relationship with water he seemed to have.

"O...oh well.... the... the beach has other stuff yknow... playin in the sand an most have...the arcades..." Paul couldn't look at John. Instead he sat at his desk. "Anyway there was a reason you asked to know everythin. You wanna know somethin specific but ya don't wanna ask outright."

Paul raised an eyebrow. He had seen the behaviour before. He knew he could get funny when Mary was mentioned and people were so worried about upsetting him they would ask sort of vague questions in the hope he'd tell them. But Paul was careful with how he answered, only letting them know what he wanted them to. Sure if they asked he'd answer, but how much information he divulged would depend on how much he trusted them

"Actually I do just wanna know everything," John smiled. "But I am curious about somethin, yeah.. your mum.. she isn't around anymore is she?" He asked, his voice a bit softer now, sympathetic.

Really all the signs were there, the way Paul only talked about John meeting his father and brother, how he had said they used to go record shopping as a past tense. They were subtle clues but John was more attentive than most. Paul sighed and just shook his head. At least John made it a bit easier to answer, rather than the usual 'so what happened to your mum?' John didn't know what to say, so he just went to hug Paul again from behind, a bit tighter this time.

"Mine isn't either.." his voice was barely a whisper.

John just wanted Paul to see he understood, that /this/ was something he didn't have to feel alone in. He had lost his mother just a few short years ago, and he knew the pain all too well. Paul looked at John for a moment before turning to face him and just letting himself cry, hugging John just as tightly. He understood. He wouldn't expect Paul to be brave or tell him crying was childish. John held him tight, letting him cry. He had a horrible feeling that Paul had never been able to properly cry or show anyone how he felt about this. After a while, Paul pulled away wiping his face.

"S...sorry..."

"Ya don't have ta be sorry for anything." John said with a sad smile.

Johns own eyes were a bit puffy, as he had cried a bit as well. He was bad about Julia, he had never really processed it properly either. Without thinking, Paul gently wiped Johns eyes. It felt so good just to be able to grieve. He missed Mary so much, much more that the others just couldn't understand. Sure they missed her, but sometimes it physically hurt Paul to think she wasn't there. His future was so uncertain, there would be problems only she could help with. Paul bit his lip, looking at John carefully.

"I...do...are ya gonna...go home soon?"

It hurt less with John around. He felt so safe around him.

"I'll do whatever ya want me to. I'll stay however long you'll have me."

John closed his eyes at the feeling of Paul's hand on his face, leaning into the touch a bit.

"I just..."

Paul looked away. He felt so silly feeling like he did... he just met John a few hours ago.

"What is it?" John asked softly. "You can tell me.."

John couldn't deny their connection was quite odd, and it was all so sudden.. he didn't want to overcrowd Paul. He was worried that he might be, if the intensity was more one sided and Paul was just too kind and soft to push him away. Paul had a light blush across his cheeks.

"Ya just... make me feel... safe." He mumbled.

John's answering smile was so bright and pleased, the insecurity that had been bubbling up completely washed away.

"Good. I wanna make you feel safe."

Paul gave John a sad smile. He knew it couldn't be forever and one day, maybe soon, he'd lose that safety. Either way he couldn't resist cuddling back up, hiding his face in the crook of Johns neck. The only thing that made him pull back was the need to be a good host.

“Are ya hungry at all?" He asked. "Dya need anythin ta drink?"

He had no idea how long John did intend to stay. He wasn't sure if he would find it weird, staying the night, so he wasn't entirely sure how much to offer. Would he want to borrow pyjamas?

"I'm alright for now."

John was perfectly content just cuddling with Paul for the moment. He did hope that Paul might let him stay. He felt like he could stay with Paul forever and never get tired of him.

"W... well...dya wanna get more comfortable?"

Paul seemed a tiny bit bolder in his own room, but was still rather nervous about asking John these things. He didn't want to push it.

"I could go for that."

John was trying to take everything at Paul's pace and not be so bold now that he was in Paul's space. He didn't want to make a nuisance of himself. Paul moved off John then looked a little lost. He wasn't sure what to do now. They were clearly moving forward, getting closer, but Paul had never been in this situation.

"Here, why don't we put on a record?"

John suggested, thinking ahead a bit. There would be less pressure on Paul to say or do anything if he could just relax to music.

"Sure... what dya fancy?" Paul relaxed a little as he went over to the shelf.

"Maybe some Elvis?"

As John spoke he took his shoes and jacket off and settled in on the bed, leaving room for Paul to join him to cuddle. Paul nodded and put on a best of collection. Once playing at a nice low volume, he turned back to John. He carefully climbed onto the bed. Because it was a single he was practically on John, cuddling up. Outside it had gone dark and rain had started to fall. It was so cosy, Paul found himself quickly relaxing into Johns arms. John tried to make sure Paul was as cosy as possible before properly relaxing himself. He ran his hand along Paul's arm and back, stroking gently. The moment felt so perfect and surreal, he never wanted it to end.

"So um... this... this is pretty... not normal... for two guys who just met right? So... so what...uh...what...do we...what did ya... ya want...?"

Paul wasn't sure what John expected. He didn't know what was acceptable and what crossed a line.

"Well, to be honest I've kinda thrown normal out the window for this. I've never had a connection like this with someone before so.. I don't really know what ta do. But... obviously if anything I do makes ya uncomfortable... you can tell me yeah? Or if ya just get tired of me bein in your bed.." John smiled, "otherwise I'd just say do what feels right. I don't have any expectations, Paul. I'm just thrilled to be here with you."

Paul nodded a bit, but he was a little giddy after all this.

"So.... so you... ya my... friend? Nap buddy?.... body pillow?" He joked.

Maybe labels didn't really matter, but they did help set boundaries for Paul who was new to all this. John grinned a bit at that.

"Hmmm.. well I'm not big on labels, really.. but I was hoping for something a bit more than friend.." he mused.

John in as he spoke to gently run his nose along Paul's jawline, leaving a little kiss on his neck. Paul gasped a bit at what John was doing.

"I... I just...I don't know how ta... ta..."

Whenever John got near to his ear, specifically behind it, he would gasp louder and pull away. It almost looked like he was ticklish there. John had to bite his lip to hide the huge grin from that reaction. There were more serious things being discussed right now, though he did file that information away for later use.

"Have ya never dated someone before?" He asked, his tone gentle and understanding.

Paul shook his head.

"Like I was saying earlier... it could never be for long so... so I never bothered."

"Well... Paul... if you'll have me, I'd like to be with you for as long as you want me."

John's heart ached at the knowledge that that might not be long, but it only made him hold Paul a little tighter.

"I just... you'll be hurt. An... an ya ain't gonna understand why... I just... I can't say..."

Paul was so worried about this. He had no doubt Jim would make him leave when he had to, and eventually he would spend less and less time in Liverpool. Jim wouldn't let Paul do what Mary did. And even if he did, John would have to watch him die, like Jim had to watch Mary die. Knowing it was because she chose him, he was the reason, Paul saw it tear his dad up. How could he do that to someone he loved? Paul froze. Loved? He looked up at John and felt the flutter. Oh fuck...

"I know... you don't have ta tell me why, Paul. But like I said, I want this. I can't leave now knowin you exist and live in a world where I can't hold you, at least for now. I'm very...taken with you. And I want you for as long as I can have you... and the rest... I'll deal with it when its time. But that's on me, that's my choice yeah? So let me choose this."

"What if... hypothetically... ya... ya were the..." Paul sighed. He couldn't lay that on John just yet. "Nevermind. Ya right. It is your choice. An I suppose ya not gonna be that easy to deter right?" Paul gave a little smile.

John grinned, "ya got that right. The only thing that you could say ta make me leave ya alone is that you don't want me. So.. if ya ever change your mind.. I won't bother ya forever. But as for right now I happen to think you want me around just as much as I wanna be here. So lets steer into the skid and just live a little."

John had a triumphant smile, like he had won the lottery in getting Paull. Paul knew he should tell John he didn't want him. He should send him away. But he just couldn't he couldn't stand the idea of John going out with someone else. As selfish as it seemed, he didn't want to let anyone even consider having a chance with John. Instead he gave John a sweet kiss on the cheek. John turned his head to catch Paul's lips in a proper kiss, a bit more than the ones at the docks, but he was still very gentle and slow. He didn't want to rush things, but he was just thrilled to be able to kiss Paul. Paul felt a tingling through him as John kissed him. He could do it forever. However eventually he had to pull back to breathe. He looked up at John gasping a bit, lips red and swollen and a blush across his cheeks. John looked at him and felt his heart swell. Fuck! He had /no business/ being that hot! He had to look away or he didn't trust himself to not get carried away, so instead he closed his eyes and covered Paul's face in sweet little kisses. Paul screwed his nose up and giggled as John tickled him a bit. In the end he resorted to hiding his face in the crook of Johns neck again, still laughing. John finally gave up when he hid his face and just laughed with Paul. It felt so right to hold him. John tried to commit this moment to his memory, one thing he would never forget no matter what the future held.

[stellar-aide]

> Kanaya: Discuss, once more.

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0con 2019 thursday diary

Cosplayed: tsuka-sa suou, summer uniform, w my burger king crown n my leo sign. Breakfast: ramen. Snack: none, but i did bring a package of poptarts.

This is for future me, so i’d prefer if ya didnt read but i mean. w/e.

Okay so.. I had a crappy morning and I only slept for 2 hours BUT! Con tiiiime! I got there and arrived at the hetalia panel a few minutes late but that's okay, it wasn't by many. I remembered I asked sealand during truth or dare n he said dare n I asked him to reenact his favorite fortunate dance n he was like "oh I've been waiting for this" or smth and later, I asked him how his gamer youtube channel was doing n america was like “oh dude i was ur 5th subscriber!!” n sealand was like “subscribe to me plss” n america was like “dont forget to like n subscribe. n receive notifications.” n someone dared canada to b as loud as america n she yelled when they said “be as loud as you were when u lost to russia in hockey”. at another part, someone asked america if she would rather never eat fast food again or save sealand from falling into a volcano n she hugged sealand n said “my lil bro!”. someone dared america to speak in proper english and she was all “oh pip pip cheerio” and mocking england haha

at the end of the panel, a girl came up to me n she said she liked my costume n i was like “!! r u into ES??” and they said “almost” or like. kinda or smth but they took my picture n i felt so happy gjhns

OKAY then i tried to go to the adventure t!me sing-along n q+a panel but they only did truth or dare for a few minutes n im not big into AT anyway so i wasnt rly having fun then they decided to start the singalong when they got the wifi working via someone turning on their hotspot but i had a bad throat so i just left the panel and then had abt 4 hrs to walk around! aw jeez, right?

while on my walk i saw a riku n got their pic n i was like “male idols unite hell yea” n we talked for a bit n they were talkin abt a boy idol series they had heard abt called dank!ra n i mentioned i had also heard abt that! i also came across someone who said they liked my costume or knew who i was (someone in a red beret) n we were talking abt ES n i was like “best boys go” n they said shu and i think keito n i was like “chiaki n mika.. theyre baby” n they were like “ryuse!ta! n rabitz r the most baby in ES” n i was like “oh dude those r my fav units.....” at some point, i saw kuro again!! i saw them but was too shy then later they spotted me as i walked past them n went “tsukasa!!” n i turned around n i was like “erin!!!” n i hugged them n the beret person was there too bc they were their friend apparently and kuro said they were just gonna b kuro for thursday (they were cosplaying summer uniform!kuro like they did in a previous yr) n they just wore it cuz they were hot n went “summer uniform solidarity” (bc i was summer uniform!tsukasa) n we fist bumped and i was digging around my shirt pocket to show them my souma keychain n they were like “oh dude u reaching into ur pocket reminded me i need to get smth from my pocket. i hav Fangs” n they put on costume fangs! eventually they started looking at jojo figures at the stall we were next to n we eventually parted.

at some point, the person running the itabag booth (theyre an ES fan, i kno. their site has ens-tars itabags in the examples gallery n they cosplayed ES last yr) saw me n went “ousama!” bc of my sign n i went over n they were like “guess what ia ctually got to meet arashis va last week” n i was like “RLY??” n they were showing me their arashi itabag n they were like “yea i got to shake his hand n everything aaa. n during his talk/panel (?) i kept showing off my arashi stuff as if to say “I LOVE ARASHI” n i was like “arashi is best knights member.. ara-nee............”

at some point my crown fell off while i was on the escalator? i tried to go back for it but it was gone in the Minute it took me to ride te up escalator? i assumed someone took it to wear but kenyan said someone mightve thrown it away..

i went to metro night live n it wasnt all that funny?? idk what to talk abt from it. they did a “luigi being a gamer” video series n one of them was him playing hotl!ne miami (not knowing it was violent) n he was like “ive never been to florida but i guess this is a game to simulate it!” n it said “proloogue: the metro” n he was like “oh like the convention!” n when the mask selection came up he was like “oh look we can even cosplay!” n he went thru the door n saw one of the mafia members n went “look! a congoer! hello- oh” n accidentaly shoved one of the guys down n he was like “can i help you up-” but then the character (jacket) smashed the guys head in w the button press n luigi went “....o-oh. uh-” and some of the other games were fortnite n he played a violent game n he was like “THERE IS NO GOD HERE NOW” or w/e. they also had an “Edgelords anonymous” skit in which reaper was a new member of the group but it ended w ruby r0se describing brutal ways to kill people (while listing em cheerily) n the others being disturbed n alucard ending the session.

at 7 i had nothing so i walked around. then when 8 hit, i was gonna go to Whose Line Is It Anime but apparently its time had been changed to 7 pm?? the 8 in “8:00-9:00 pm” was scribbled out in sharpie on the schedule board in front of the room n it said 7 pm but now that i think abt it.. i think they meant 7-9 pm. ....shit. oh god damn it. anyway i got sad n left then since it was kinda empty/slow bc it was nighttime, i sat down on a wall thing to open up my sougo plush keychain n some guy next to me started talking to me abt my nails and we got ot talking n apparently he had wanted to go to the dealers room but didnt kno they closed @ 8 n he was here w friend n only had a single day pass bc he had work the other days (his name was spencer) so he was just lounging and i suggested he tell his friends what he wanted n they get it for him if they hav weekend passes n asked if he knew abt the game room n he said no so i invited him to go play smash w me so we went but couldnt figure out how things worked bc there were many consoles n screens w games, but mosst had no controllers but it turns out u borrow the contollers w ur con pass! kenyan was there running the controller borrower table. he said “psst” bc he saw me n i ws like “kenyan!!!” n hugged him n he was like “hows ur weekend going dear” n i said not that great but only bc it was thursday! also my throat hurt” n he was like “did u drink?” n i was like “well.. i have water but..” n he was like “drink juice. it’ll help. that’s what ur dad wwould say” (he woukdnt) anyway we got our controllrs and started playg smash n i went, in order: joker, robin, chrom, bayonetta, greninja n he was teaching me how to play w the gamecube controller (im used to a wiimote) n he beat me every time but i had fun!

after that i was GONNA go to the v-ld panel but i looked inside while walking by n there werent many ppl so i said “okay lets go to the BB panel then. take a look” so i went in there n there were a TON of ppl anyway it was kind of boring bc im not big on murder mysteries n stuff but apparently someone solved it by saying ciel slipped n fell, no one murdered him. then they did the raffle n i didnt win but thats okay! most ppl left after the raffle ended n q+a started n i couldnt hear many ppls’ questions anyway so i was bored n thought of goint to the vl-d panel but ended up not but w/e! oh! also everyone received candy at the beginning of the panel n i ahd a mystery lollipop n it turned out to b birthday cake flavor! id never had that before. it was Good.

after that i was just wandering around n i called dad to startdriving there but the ciel i asked for a picture of, them n their friends were gawking at my nails ns tuff n one of the teens’ dads was like “how do ya pick ur nose w it??” but after that, as i was wandering around, the gundam id sen earlier that day saw me n waved n i said oh hi n went over n they (it was them n an izuru) were like “wanna hang out w us for a while?” so i was like “oh. shoot. id luv too but im waiting for my dad to pick me up” n theyw ere like “it’s okay we can just hang out til then, then, if ya’d like” so i hung out w them n the gundam was talking abt how earlier, a mukuro complimented them on their outfit n they returned the compliment n went to leave n the mukuro was like “uumm arent u gonna hang out w me? we’re from the same series n all” n they were like “not w that f***in attitude” n i was like “did ya rly say that?” n they were like “yea. ppl dont expect me ta hav attitude” n we also talked abt piercings n how i said they seemed cool n goth (the gundam had a nose ring n the izuru had a piercing near their mouth) but how it must hurt n they said it just feels like a pinch. at some point i roled over my bag so my sougo wouldnt get dirty n the izuru saw my rei button n mentioned smth abt only findin one rei button at the idol table n i was like “UR INTO ES???” n they were like “i just kno undead n a few other characters. like [points @ my leo sign] i kno him” n i went “he’s dumbass supreme” n the gundam was talking abt getting the rythm game n i was like “jut read the stories on the wiki the game is boring imo” n the izuru backed me up by saying it wasnt a rhythm game n a lil while later, i showed them the 2 cool rei cgs n i was like “big sexe” n they agreed but the izuru had said theyd seen the croassroads one i showed em (the first of the 2) n the gundam said they wnted to cosplay bloody banquet rei (the other cg i showed em) n the izuru said they wanted to cosplay them All gjhnsm i showed them ryu-seitai too n showed them undead n gundam showed an interest in adonis! we also talked abt k!n stuff n all that! im not gonna go into detail on that (esp bc it’s so late rn as im typing!) but gundam was like “i dont trust junko k!n. like, evreyone else, yea, but junko? no. or like, any other character that’s just so irredeemably shitty”. oh they also talked abt this one messy, ugly, tangly junko wig they found for $300 which shouldnt have been that much n it was just a mess of tangles. anyway t’s getting late oh gosh. anyway they said they’d b on the lookout for me tomorrow so we can say hi again! 

random fun fact: SO many ppl complimented my nails today gjhnsm

[kingkimono]

All my Thoughts During the Breakup

16/2/20

If he ever goes back to Bacolod:

- Beach Trip with chips and drinks, watch a movie sa beach and chill out. Atleast for the first time and last time dinala ko siya sa kung san ako nakafeel ng peace.

Diba nga we shouldnt wait na, im done wishing and regretting. We've been in such a rough path, at times we gave up but still fought and eventually naubusan ka ng gana. But I want you to know, my mind is sure na I will pick you over and over and over again till my last breath of air. I planned for this for almost 2 months, I've always wanted to bring you here but never got the chance.

*kneel*

John Christian Villarete Entrata, right here right now we're under a thousand stars and under a midnight sky shining above us. My journey with you has been such great ride that I dont want for it to end. I dont want to ever regret not doing this.

I vow to help you love life. I vow to be patient with whatever love demands. To share my voice when you are silent. I vow to live in your heart and to call it my home forever.

I vow to love you in all forms now and forever. I promise to you that I will engrave it to my heart that this is a once in a lifetime love. I promise to the universe that I will love you and your soul.

I promise to you in the most deepest and in sincerest form that no matter what challenges may arise in the future we will always. always. find our path towards each other.

palanggaon taka adlaw-adlaw, lutuan ta ka sang paborito mo sud-an always. panaad di tagid ka pabay-an. Ini tanan para sa imu.

I love you. I want to love you everyday for the rest of my life. I want to take care of you like there's no tomorrow, I promise not to leave you, to always cherish every moment with you. I want my present and future to be with you. Every single part of you.

19/2/20

the moment he chatted you he already knew the probability of it happening. to think bago k palang sa gnung situation.

sht ako na humahabol, i needed you to hold on for us. if we can fix it then bskit ayaw mo. You care for his feelings pero pano ako? Mas lamang pa ba sha kaysa sako. sa pinagdaanan natin?

21/2/20

Saw a bunch of pics sa phone mo and sht hurts haha! He gave you a hickey diay sa? I used to do that hahaha sht sakita. sakit kaayo. The fact na magkasama tayo right now, the fact na nasa tabi kita shit sakita. The fact na may kausap kang iba tas katabi kita ITS FUCKING TORTURE. Anong magagawa ko? Kahit masakit lahat ng to okay nalang no? Ayokong mawala ka e. Masgusto kong katabi kita e, mas gusto kong samahan ka e. Sarap umiyak hahahaha pero sige nalang.

Masaya ka naman sa pictures nyo, kahit pta parang tinatanggal ung puso ko looking at the pics. Nasa isip ko nalang basta masaya ka. basta masaya ka. Yun mahalaga. Bahala ng masakit sa part ko importante masaya ka. Sarap mag beg ulet hahaha. kung pwede lang

Shet sa, Jan 30 na nagchat and sht 15 days nalang ohhh shettt di pa umabot sa plano ko aghh ptangina.

Hold my ear again please? haha you used to play with it man sauna, I missed your hand. Kahit sa sandaling yun pwedeng itigil ang oras? Pwedeng 10 more minutes ato? Wil lalways have a soft spot for you fuck.

Bahala na, matuloy lang March 21 okay nako.

23/2/20

Things I want to say...

ROTC

The whole time. Sakit kaayo ato, a part of me ayaw kang makasama but a big part sako man ganahan ka ubanan, yokong magisa ka. Gusto kitang samahan. Shit the whole time na nung nakupo tayo tas you were playing with my ear puta fucking torture. for you to chat him during those time ptaa sarap magpakamatay nun pero sht mahal kita e. Kahit masakit i wanted you to hold my ear, i wanted you to nap lang. Fuck sana ako parin yung kachat mo gabi2. sana ako yung sumusundo sayo. Sana ako yung nagpapasaya sayo.

Sana nung isang time sa rotc nung before raati and you played with my ear sabe ko nun sa isip ko "Lord pedeng itigil nyo ung time, pwedeng dito lang kahit ngayon lang." Soft spot ko yun e, you always played with it man. Nung natutulog ka tas rested sa may thigh ko the whole time nakatingin lng ako sayo. Sabe ko "wag ka munag gumising, dyan ka lang. dyan ka lang" Shet I didnt want it to end kahit yun lang.Opened your phone ato and wala nasira din ako nun pero wala akong magawa, wala lang naman ako.

MASAKIT

YUNG SHT pag nag chat ka diretso chat ko because shet naisip mokong kausapin. When i try to talk to you e inbox lang ako. Napakasakit na part dun? At that moment may own problems ka with your new lover habang ako, ikaw ung iniisip ko lagi. Kung baga may problem ka with him and like shet para talagang walang ngyre satin. Like the whole time we were togethe ris just GONE.

Sht bai like fuck di mo ba naisip how traumatic, how painful, how sht I feel? Sht I want to be next to you pero you have someone else and fuck pinapatay ko sarili ko.

Replaceable

Naisip ko am I really that easy to replace? The point is okay depende yan sa tao on how fast they move on and all pero di mo ba naisip sa part ko? To respect me? Ung pinagdaanan natin? Fuck everyday iniisip ko nalang shet ganun lang kabilis palitan, kalimutan, pagsabihan na ayaw na. Fuck kase natrauma talaga ako, ang sakit talagang isipin. To think you found someone na, nakalimutan nako sa mga pinagdaanan natin, mga trips and carnival times and everything! Sht

Right now nasa other relationship ka worrying about that pero sht ako stuck satin, nmmroblema ako kase sht umaasa ako na kahit isang butil ng bigas na size na love meron ka sako.

First Love

Alam kong di ako pala date and ikaw lang cinonsider ko as my first real relationship, because of you ive changed for the better. I did stuff i never thought id do. Lahat ng to ginawa ko para sayo, fuck i love you that much. Iniisp ko nalang kung minahal mo ba talaga ako kade chan ang sakit sakit na wala lang ako sayo, like im like any other person sa room. Fuckkk

28/2/20

its so easy for you to say move on, na ayaw mo na na dili naka. its bc you already found someone to fill the hole that im the one thats suppose to complete that. Its so easy for you kase you dont have to worry naman, all your love for me you gave it to him.

In the process of all these things if he wasnt in the picture or anyone in general then there would've been a higher probabilty of you coming back sako. You've given so much emotions and care for this new person na dumating that you forget about me na, na you think okay ra bc you yourself kay steady naman, you dont have to worry naman.

The amount of trauma and pain this brings me baya. Lets say di ka nga naghanap lain and you were still single and I didnt want to get back together. Theres still a respect jpon ba kay shempre dugay baya ta, naa jud tay gipagdaanan together. Sa ginawa mo and how fast things are going I cant help not to feel this way.

Imagine if you were in my shoes, ano mararamdaman mo? Kase with all thats happening may someone kana to kung baga a safety net because if nag antay ka o hinde naa kana someone. The point is i needed you to hold on gamay ra, never ever jd ko nakathink na mangitag lain, during those times need ko tlga iprocess everything. Imagine mo while ga heal i found out naa diay ka bago, how shtty jud sa feeling ana nakakaoff guard. Out of all ppl thst i thought would understand ikaw pa jud gaingani. Jaya madali sbhin para sayo na move on nako.

How can i move on kung in the first place di ganto ang iniisip ko ever. How can i move on kung gaheal ko from what happened tas someone comes into the picture tas suddenly you want us to be friends nalang. Di mo ba inisip yun? I feel so replaceable, na madaling iwan, ipagpalit agad2. Never ko inisip na maghanap lain because you are here! Us! I believe in us, na this is the one big wave in the rlntship kung san maayo nato and its infinite na. Pero hinde, u decided to give your heart agad, to leave me. Thst in it self is a choice.

6/3/20

Realization:

Found out na he told his roommate na sauna na dugay na siya ganahan makipag bulag, di nya magawa because ayaw nya na siya ang makipagbulag and probability of mag mahay. The one time makipagbulag ko was like a ticket for what he always wanted. The ticket to set him free. Now I realized na the reason why he doesn't want to fight for us, why he's okay with everything, why he doesn't care about me, why its so easy for him.

An analogy kung san there's one room full of boxes, boxes that represent us, you and me. It's like you were preparing your boxes in a corner and everything packed up. You were just waiting for the one thing for me to breakup so you could bring everything of your boxes. I was too busy loving you na di ko namalayan you were already packing your things, to leave the moment I said those words. Its why im stunned, why I feel lost, confused, in pain. Then I realized the moment I entered that room, it was my boxes nalang natira.

I never thought to myself to breakup up completely or to even find another, I know for a fact that what I felt during those moments were real and I had all the right to feel them. Prinsipyo ko is di ako makipagbulag but the one time those words came out my mouth thats when you felt relief.

Just to make it clear lang, wala ko gamahay na nakigbulag saimo or with what happening right now. Now I know kung bakit ganito. The only mahay I feel is that I believed in your promises but okay ra. I know di ako magmahay because I know for a fact that it was never my intention to breakup and it was not my fault to begin with. and never my fault to feel that way and all the efforts I made. With whatever mindset that you have right now e respect ko yan.

Thats the thing jud kase ive been looking at this problem in different angles pero wala jud ko kathink ug any other reasons pa onto why you dont want to fightna, its like kung anong e reason mo sobrang kulang, sobrang babaw. Nung nalaman ko na ganun na pala mindset mo before thats when it all hit me. Kaya madali mong na move on, so totoo lahat ung sinabe mo that very night nakigbulag ko.

Point of the matter is I was hurt with what you did and tyes I told you na dili nako pero in my mind you always chase the person you love man. With the knowledge about you wanting to leave this relationship in the first place prang it was a ticket out for you. We could fix it but yes karon new set of reasons napud and thats okay. Sabe nga diba pag gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan. Masyado akong naniwala satin na di ko namalayan hinanda mo na palang matapos haha.

I dont think I'll ever get the closure that I need bisag kapila pa ta mag talk. Kase in ever moment that I want to talk about it kulang jud na reason for me. I think I'll find my own closure, kabalo ko not today or tomorrow pero someday. I dont want to force myself onto someone na iba na ang laman ng pusot isipan, di ko rin alam kelan ako titigil sa pagiisip ng ganito. Umaasa nlng ako na siguro balang araw maka self realized nako sa tanan, that I should stop fighting kay ung taong ipinaglalaban ko wala namang gana, na ako lang din ang talo, na ako lang din ung tanga.

Ive always thought na I deserve evrything that you did to me but

8/3/20

patuloy akong lumalaban pero ano pang point? kung yung ipinaglalaban mo ayaw na. Mahal mo na siya e, nahulog kana e. Nung una durog na durog ako and i blamed myself for everything, inisip ko lahat ng sinabe mo na bat ako nakipag break or dapat nag sabe ako na babalik ako.

Pero nung nag sabe sakin yung bird about what you said even before nung break dun nako natauhan, yun na yung piece na magcomplete sa puzzle nato.

Whatever excuse or reason naman kase sabihin mo about what happened between us di parin talaga e. Kulang na kulang and to think ganun lang ako kadali ipagpalit, na sabihan na "kaibigan" lang tayo parang shet haha. Sakin lang narealize mo ung pananakit mo saken kahit late mo ba realize un. I hope balang araw marealize mo din tong sakit na bonigay mo sakin ngayon, with everything that you are doing now.

Now i only ask myself kung kelan ka na fall out of love. nung magkasama tayo ako pa ba nasa isip mo, ako pa ba ang mahal mo nun. Sa lahat ng ngyare satin ngayon iniisip ko nlang lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, nung mga fights na malala nung ldf tayo, na kahit sobrang lala nagawa parin nating ayusin, siguro iba na nga talaga ngayon. Ngayon nawala na pala pagmamahal mo.

Alala mo nung bago pa tayo tas I joined nbdc kase may bacolod event yun? Alala mo nung first natin na pagkita? naalala mo nung first natin na kumain sabay, sa may jollibee. naalala mo nung first time mo dito? alala mo nung pag uuwi nako pabalik duma grabe iyakan natin. tas pagaalis na bus tatawag ka tas maririnig mo nlng ung iyak? naalala mo nung sinurprise kita nung sa bahay tas may fairlights and pictures haha. alala mo nung una mong hinawakan kamay ko? nung unang beses ka nag ily saken? haha.

Wala lang sarap alahanin lahat yun, kase yun ung nagpatibay satin e. Ngayon isa nalang pangarap ko para sayo, sana kung ano man meron sainyo ni josh sana masaya ka lang lagi, sana ingatan ka nya ng mabuti ah? Gusto ko lang namang mapasaya ka and kung si josh na ung magpapasaya sayo, sige nalang. Wala naman na akong laban sakanya.

Ngayon, eto lahat ng to and with everything thats happening. Mahal na mahal kita ah wag mong kakalimutan yan, at dahil mahal kita papalayain na kita okay? Wala nakong laban saknya, kahit ikaw ayaw ng lumaban kaya sige nalang. Im letting you go na ah, puhon kung mahal mo pako balik ka ah?

I love you, mahal kita, ginahigugma taka, palangga taka, ping kanunay

11/3/20

maawa ka sa sarili mo

naaawa ako sa sarili ko, nasa harap ko na yung sakit pero eto parin ako umaasa sa tayo.

buong araw magkasama kayo, sa gabi lang tumatawag, nagchchat. san ba ako banda sa puso mo? anong parte ko sa buhay mo? ganun na ba kababa ng pagkatao ko na madali lang ako mahalin at iwan? madali lang sabihan na namimiss ako pag bored kana? pano nako. nao nako.

13/3/20

even if you do come back

will you remember him whenever we kiss?

will you think of him when im lying next to you?

will you look at me the way you looked at him?

will he be your totga?

will I be the one to fill your heart for now?

am i your temporary home?

there's so many uncertainty with all thats happening right now. do you want me back because you realized how much you truly love me OR do you want me back because he's gone?

He didn't choose you and im here still choosing you everyday and i dont know if thats a good thing or not.

it scares me because the more i spend my time with you, the more that i think about what you two did. what you did to me. how you pushed me away. how i begged for you.

if we're going to make this work i probably need constant assurance from you. its so scary how im letting you back in again

you wanna know the scariest part? its if i do love you again, if i kiss you again, if i hug you again, will you still be thinking of him?

3/23/20

March 23,2020

I wanted to write this down kase its been on my mind a lot lately. I do love him sobra pero it makes me question things na will he ever love me the same way? Nung minahal nya ko nung una babalik pa ba yun?

I'm genuinely happy for him kase may friends na shang madame dito sa SU. Im glad that he's growing as a person and is participating in a lot of activities pero alam mo yung feeling na parang di kana part sa buhay ng isang tao?

Before any of these things happened nung mageenroll pa kame we made a promise na mag uban and together kame sa mga bagay pero di naman talaga pwede ano? Masama ba akong tao kung ayaw ko siya sa ibang tao? Na gusto ko aken lang sha? Di naman completely cut off ppl sa life nya pero tanggalin lang yung mga pinagseselosan o mga nanakit saken. Masama bang hilingin yun?

Honestly i dont know how I feel abt everything right now. All the pain ive been through, sa lahat ng masasakit na bagay na ginawa nya saken. Na palitan ako agad, na hindi lumaban. Kahit ngayon hindi ko na maramdaman yung dati nyang pagmamahal. Di ko alam kung san ako banda sa buhay nya. Its like I lost him.

He's there I can see him. I can talk to him pero theres this feeling na I already lost him. I ask myself if im a bad person for wishing na di sha magkaibigan ng iba, kase takot akong iwan. takot akong masaktan ulit. Bakit nawala siya. Bakit nararamdaman kong wala na ako sakanya.

Di ko alam pano ko nakakaya lahat to. Its like parang nasa isang malaking boardgame ako tas i dont know what im suppose to do. I feel so stuck. i feel so used. i feel so unloved. Bakit hindi nya makita ung sakit na nafefeel ko? Bakit parang kasalanan ko lahat. Kasalanan ko bang maramdaman lahat ng to?

I want him in my life because i love him pero st the same time I wish na sana dun nalang sha sa La salle nag aral. Sana di nagbago setup namin. Bakit bung nasa bcd sha mas minahal nya ako. Bakit kung kailngan magkalapit na kame dun nawala ang pagmamahal. Bakit nung nasa bcd sha andun ung pagmamahal nya. Ang sakit ng lahat. Di ko tlga alam ang gagawin ko.

3/24/20

March 24,2020

If he finds another man. if he chooses another and not me then thats when i'll accept. he never really did love me. ahh sakita sakong heart nganong pasakitan rako nganong ako nalang sige pasakitan.

you didnt even try to talk to me the next day. i waited for you again. you kept saying na I wasnt just for libog. then atleast kamustahin mo naman ako. oo alam kong wala kang responsibility sako pero respetuhin mo naman ako kahit bilang tao.

29/3/20

Naisip ko lang na for us to completely heal from all these issues is maybe we need some time and space apart sa ba.

I want to focus on me kase parang all these time focus lang ako sa pagheal mo na nakalimutan ko din na ako din pala need mag heal. Gusto kong mag move on and heal from what happened satin and what you did. Gusto kong ma embrace yung emotions ko and all my thoughts talaga e. As im healing ikaw din, you can be as free as you like and heal on your own pace ba.

Maybe kaya di ako makaheal is because Im still talking to you. Im okay with us ga follow sa social media and all pero for us to chat mahirap for me. Oo call me marupok/overthinker pero I cant help it if gnito ako thats why need ko muna time for me. As you said di mo nga alam kung takot kang mawala ako and I think thats enough reason for me to realize everything na snbe mo na parang yan na yung heaviest rock you could throw at me.

Di ko snsbeng pagod nakong humabol pero sguro tama ung sinabe mo na "if the universe permits" or mga ana na mindset mo. Siguro kaya lagi akong nag ooverthink is because what if nag heheal ako pero at the end may bago kana and it hit me pud na if kita, kita jud.

Im taking a risk right now and i know murag wala rani para simo akong gitype but its oaky layhan rako makabalo ka. Gusto mo friends ra sa ta and all pero even before tayo maging friends mag heal sa dagay ko kay lisod pa kaayo for me ngayon.

di ko din naman kasalanan kung naghahabol ako sa wala, importante saken humabol ako at di sumusuko. Layhan rako na if mubalik ka, bumalik ka bc love ko nimo like the first time na nagkaila ta, I dont want na bumalik ka for wrong reasons. Di sa laman ta tigchat2 ha? Para din makathink ka for yourself and heal from the pain and i'll do the same.

18/4/20

sha ganahan mag chat ko pero bakit ana ra sa first tas katagalan ako nanaman sige ga make topics ako sige bikis reply ako sige ghulat sa reply nya tas bilis ko pang replyan. Pag napapnsin nya na maikli na replies ko mag send lng sha ng selfie aasa ulit ako. :( alam ko namang di paren sha nakaget over kay ferido. di ko lang alam kung bat nasasaktan at umaasa p sha saknya kaysa sa possibility namen. di ko nga alam kung baket 2 weeks lng get over saken e.

feel ko kung babalik man sha sako baka yun lang nmn tlga pakay nya, mabayaran ko sha at sex. yun lang nmn habol ng muchst sako. di dagay ko worth it mahalun kung igo rako for pleasure. sakit kaayo na mura nakog tanga na nagaantay sa reply, na para bang ako lang may pake na parang pilit lang sakanya. 🥺😞😭 sakit parin ako heart tas ganto pa. sinaktan na gani ko pero hopeful r gihapon, dawaton gihapon. ako raman dagay naay dakong love ani. masasaktan din naman ako sa huli kung panandalian lang din naman pala ako. :( gusto kong umiyak pero di ko kacry kay naa si papa. gusto ko sumigaw pero di man. hilak nalang ako ng patago. iiyak nanaman ako. mahina paren ako.

4/24/20

im throwing myself to a person that could care less if i disappeared. idk na tired of giving my 100% to a person that doesnt even want it and couldnt even give me attention. bahala kana sayang lang effort ko might as well conserve it to someone na crazy for me and wont give up on me.

u crave for lambing, love, attention jud no pero obvious man na hindi saken. U crave it from someone else. alam ko naman kanino. I still feel it. I can still sense it.

[blog-optimisticcoffeestuden-blog]

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"mitsubishi evo insurance group

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Please please do not say your going to have to pay 4k+ or something stupid, All my mates found car insurances for under 3k!""

US health insurance - question?

We are Canadians moving to the US in couple of weeks and we have just applied for medical insurance in the US, filled out all the papers and we'd like to know whether the insurance company will call our Canadian doctor to get our medical records? We want to make our doctor aware of this and at the same time, to be honest, we did not know exactly the dates when we've been at the doctor's office, we put down approximate dates on the insurance applic form and we do not want to be denied because of misrepresentation or something like that. At the same time, here in Canada, just because healthcare is universal, you don't get any medical papers or records to keep track on when you've been at the doctor's office. Thanks a lot.""

What is the average time taken by an Insurance company to pay out on a car claim.?

I suppose it would depend on the nature of the damage to ones car and also who was at fault. However in my case, my car caught fire from what I believe may have been an electrical fault. It is now a total write off. I realise the insurance company has to carry out it's investigations but how long should this take and how soon would one expect to receive an offer. I made a claim 6 weeks ago and am still being fobbed off with the explanation that the investigations are on-going.""

Question About Car Insurance?

I have AAA. I have 3 vehicles, 2 in which my daughters are the drivers. One of my daughters has 2 points for prohibited turn, which raised my insurance rate. Is there anyway to get the points removed or remove her from the policy even though she would still drive?""

Liability insurance if car catches fire?

my car got caught on fire i think the firefighter says it say electric wiring i only have liability insurance is my insurance will cover that my car is total now ,thanks so much""

How much does allstate charge for insurance ?

Im wondering about how much would allstate charge for insurance on a Range Rover sport supercharged ? Help please and about payments and all of that .... thaanks :)

Car Insurance for a friend?

I have a friend (single mom of 2) and she needs to get cheap car insurance on her ford explore. She let it lapse for 6 months and now her loan company wants to repo her car, even though she has made every car payment. (she leases her car)...(kinda like rent to own) She got a quote from my agent, but it was going to be way too much for her. I am guessing since she still owes on the car she has to have full coverage. And can only afford less than $100.00 a month on it. She is a renter, she is going to school, and has bad credit. Are there any companies out there that she can get a good deal or at least get coverage for 6 months and re-apply with a better company?? The only one I have found out there was the general.com. And they seem to be ok...but I don't know what other options she has. Thanks for reading this!! 10 points to the best answer!!""

Cheap car insurance for 17 year old in u.k?

can anyone tell me how to get cheap car insurance for my 17 year old in u.k

""What is good individual, insurance dental plan?""

What is good individual, insurance dental plan?""

Are there any Insurance companies in the Philippines that have Mortgage Protection Insurance?

Any companies that have this certain type of insurance directed to people paying off a house or a property?

I live i Delaware and have had my car impounded due to having no insurance.?

I will be getting insurance this friday. After I do that what do I need to do to get my car back this weekend about how much will it cost? Is this a fee I pay at the troop or do I pay towing and storing charges?

Why do women get cheaper car insurance?

Ive noticed all my guy friends pay a lot more for car insurance then i do why is that?

Hey im 16 and i want my licence but insurence is pretty expensive?

hey im 16 and i want my licence but insurence is pretty expensive which company do you think i can get the cheapest insurance on and how much do you think it will cost thank you

Can someone help me figure out how to get car insurance?? Very confused :(?

This is my first time ever getting a car loan, making payments & getting insurance by myself & so far it's been frustrating & confusing!! If anyone could help steer me in the right direction it'd be much appreciated! --I'm originally from Arkansas. I moved to North Dakota with my man, got a job & started vehicle hunting. One of my friends up here, also from AR, had a truck close to getting on the repo list because he couldn't make payments anymore. This truck is registered in AR. So, I got a loan & bought his truck from him. I got this loan Oct 4th, a month ago. All I'm trying to do is register this truck, pay sales tax & get insurance. I understand I'm not ever getting the title but my bank will & when I explained that the title hadn't been sent to my bank yet, the dmv lady said I couldn't even get temporary tags?? Can I get insurance with the truck not being registered yet?? If it's not officially mine bc the title hasn't been sent to my bank. ???""

What would be insurance on this car?

I want to get this car http://autos.yahoo.com/used-cars/porsche-boxster-cars9383421;_ylt=AuxeS5bbXvapuk4oZXlD95JbVI54;_ylv=3?sortcol=absoluterank&sortdir=down&listingtype=used&model=&make=porsche&distance=any The price is great, but how mh would te insurance be? For a 16 year old""

I want to get my own car but I can't because of my parent's insurance?

So my parents have an insurance plan where they are covered with both of their cars and my sisters car is listed as an extra car to save money. I'm about to turn 17 and I've had my drivers license since October. I've been driving around my mom's car but I want to get my own. I've even offered to keep my moms car and give her my own money for her to get a new car if she wanted. I've been saving money for my own car since I was ten. So basically my parents can't add another car on their insurance because my insurance company would find out about me driving it. I'm pissed because I have all the money for my own used car and I'm a safe and responsible driver, but I'm forced to use my mom's car. I'm not that type of kid who wants a new flashy car to go with the crowd, I just want something of my own so I have no time restrictions. I can't go anywhere without my mom calling me asking for her car. I know I can't afford my own insurance, so what can I do insurance wise to get my own car?""

How can I get the lowest car insurance payment?

I am 25. I want to buy a cheap car with one way insurance. thanks a lot

How much does no claims effect your car insurance?

Ive just had my windows smashed and was wondering whether or not it would be better to just pay for the windows to be repaired rather than go through insurance. I estimate 700 for the windows. I am 19 and have 2 years no claims, any ideas what the best course of action is?""

""I want to but a new car in the next few months,can I transfer insurance?

It's insured for the next 6 months. When I get the new car can I transfer that insurance on to the new one? What if the quote my insurance company quotes is not competitive and I want to cancel the policy. Do I get a refund on the amount of months left or do I lose it? Thanks.

mitsubishi evo insurance group

mitsubishi evo insurance group

How will insurance companies make up for the preexisting clause elimination?

I guess in 2014 health insurance companies can't discriminate people for preexisting illnesses. How will they make up for that? Will they just increase premiums for everybody?

""What are my options for car insurance, being a US resident who is taking classes in British Columbia?""

I am a student at Trinity Western University in BC, Canada. My current car insurance company will only cover me through March since I am in Canada and I am finding it hard to find an insurance company that will cover me. I am trying to avoid at all cost having to get the government-issued BC car insurance because I probably wouldn't be able to afford school (it is ridiculously expensive). Anyone have any ideas?""

My Florida driver's license is suspended due to insurance reasons?

I got in a car accident about 2 years ago, and as a result I stopped paying my insurance and couldn't turn in my tag. My license was suspended as a result. I haven't gone to the DMV yet, and was wondering if anyone knows what I'd need in order to get my license back? According to the Florida DMV website, my license will be reinstated once I show proof of insurance...but I don't even own that car anymore, let alone pay insurance on it. I don't want to waste three hours at the DMV just to be told I need a certain form or paperwork...does anyone have experience in this matter?""

Need cheap insurance 18 year old in UK?

hello can anyone tell me where i can get cheap car insurance for my son who is 18 years old. its been 1 year since hes passed. i have 6 years no claim bounes. the best quote i have got so far is 2700 on a corsa 1.2. is it possbile to get any driver car insurance?

Im trying to find cheap insurance for new driver in jersey. i am financing a car for the first time.?

im going to need full coverage since i am financing a 2009 scion tc. also im 19 years old.

""Im thinking about getting a car, car insurance ?""

Im thinking about getting a car I phoned up my insurance company and they said because I have not come to the end of my insurance with the car I got that I would lose my 3 years no claims bonus if I changed over cars also I would have to pay them 50pound to get out of the contract. The only way around it is if I insure the two cars I was shocked with this, I deal with tescos car insurance Is this normal ?""

Any Nationwide users know how much will their insurance cost monthly?

Hi I am 16 and was wondering how much would Nationwide insurance would cost. My parents said they were going to enlist my name under their insurance, however I will have to pay for the insurance for my car. They are going to take the car notes, and I am stuck with insurance and gas. I just turned 16 and need a car. So any Nationwide users how much would that Cost me so I can Expect a General price? Also I make $50 a week.""

Teen Car Insurance + Accidents Clarification?

I'm a 16 year old girl who just got her license in March. A week after I got my license, I rear ended another car while driving my mom's new car that is insured. We got it fixed and only had to pay the 500 dollar deductible. I do not have my own car. My sister, who is 19, has her own car that is not covered on our insurance. My dad's car is not covered either. My sister just got into an accident, rear ending someone as well. I really need to get a car next year for work and such but my parents said my insurance would be high enough already with both of me and my sister's accidents. Couldn't I just buy a car on my own and not insure it like my dad and sister's cars? I really don't know how car insurance works at all, i only know what my parents tell me, so any help would be appreciated :)""

Temporary Car insurance for 17 year old?

I've just bought a car, it's only a 6-7 minute drive away but I've been assured I don't want to be caught without insurance when picking it up and driving it home. I've had a look and all day or month insurers only insure 21+. I'm pretty stuck, as I obviously have to do get it home and I don't have the kind of money to insure it for any decent length of time Any sites you know of that could sort me out? Cheers.""

Can you take a rental car when you do not have any personal vehicle or auto insurance?

I do not have any car insurance right now. I am planning to get a car rental for a month. Do I need to get some insurance for this? What happens if cop pulls me up will rental agreement be sufficient?

What insurance do i need?

I am buying an house I know i need buildings insurance and insurance to cover for if we are out of work, but the life insurance I take out do I HAVE to take out with critical illness to be able to go forward with my mortgage.???""

Vw r32 any idea on insurance?

hi i am 23 year old female with 2 years no claims. just lookign for a very rough idea of costs to insure an r32, any similar ppl can tell me? thanks""

Will my health insurance change?

im 21 and still in college in mass, if i move out of my house into an apartment will i lose my fathers health insurance?""

Car insurance for young driver?

I was wandering if I bought insurance for a car that I own on a provisional, drove it about on the provisional for a bit, then passed my test and told the insurance company that I had done so, would it shoot up to the 5,000/6,000 quotes I've been getting or would it not rise as high because I was with them on a provisional? also any general tips on knocking down the price, it's just ridiculous, it's for a 5 door fiat punto! thanks in advance :)""

How do i get my commercial insurance license?

i am on the road becoming a insurance agent and i want all the insurance licenses possible, but i can't find any places that give commercial insurance license.""

How much would insurance be on this car for a 17 year old?

Photo: http://i.imgur.com/oBPkdUi.jpg

How much would auto insurance be per month for a young married couple (25 year olds)...?

...no wrecks, no moving violations, great credit... we have 2 cars (1 new that we're still paying for and 1 old that's paid off). I know I can get an online quote, but ...show more""

""I am looking out for a healthcare provider which is also an insurance company located in California, U.S.?""

I am looking out for a healthcare provider which is also an insurance company located in California, U.S.?""

Lying on car insurance?

as car insurance for younger drivers is considerably more i was curious in asking a question if someone lies on being older say 30 rather than 17 and or the car is kept in a locked garage and is fitted with the best mobilisers money can buy will this person get away with this if for example involved in some sort of crash and or another scenario pulled over by a police officer.

Using Canadian insurance in California?

I am currently living in Ontario and i plan on going to Los angeles, CA to visit a friend by myself. I plan on renting a car (There are car companies that allow 18 year old driver). My parents put me in the car insurance so I am basically covered. I think. I know that its the law to get liability insurance. Would the insurance here count as a liability insurance?""

Typical renters insurance in springfield MA?

what is the typical amount of money you pay for renters insurance in springfield Massachusetts?

Scooter Insurance Certificate ?

How long would it take to receive a Insurance Certificate through the post ? And can it be done through Email ? I need to know because im dong my CBT soon but my bike has no TAX at the moment. And can anyone recommend a good CHEAP insurance company ? Thank You Very Much James

Do you know where I can get a Flood Zone Determination and Flood Insurance Quote In Ca?

If you are looking for more information on FEMA's recent flood map changes in oxnard California where can you find it? Im interested in some type of flood zone determination and a quote. My insurance agent doesn't know very much about it. How much does flood insurance cost? I have lots of questions any ideas?

How much roughly would moped insurance cost for a 16 year old?

How much roughly would moped insurance cost for a 16 year old?

What is the best life insurance company in the the USA?

what is the best life insurance company in the USA?

mitsubishi evo insurance group

mitsubishi evo insurance group

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