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jonogueira · 4 years ago

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“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” - Alexander Pope.

Chapter 9.

AO3.

Summary:

Alma has trouble with who she is, and Cullen comes to help.

*Angst with a pinch of smut.*

TW: death, blood, nsfw, smut, lemon.

It was a lot, just way too much. There wasn't enough air, there was never enough air.

Crying, sobbing, a silent scream. Cold fingers curling around loose hair. Pulling, tugging, trying to take the murmurs away.

Magic on fingertips. Purple wisps floating around the room. Whispering, speaking, demanding… Accusing.

Never enough, never enough!

Curse, cursed, cursing.

Please, Maker! Let it end. Let it take me once and for all.

Blood boiling. Calling, signaling, hollering.

Come, came, kill, die!

Mine mine MINE.

Deep, down, cave, tunnel. Monsters, brothers, sisters. Brethren.

Time is up, time is up, tik tok tik tok.

Goodbye.

Come come come.

Man, woman, qunari, dwarf, elf, human.

He, she, they, me. Us.

Joined by blood drank from a beautiful cold silver chalice.

Enchanter, witch, mage.

Tower spiraling upwards. Ending on the toes of the Maker.

Watching, watching. Pitting, crying.

His making, his creation. His children.

Locked up, forgotten. Mistreated.

It was a lot, just way too much. There wasn't enough air, there was never enough air.

Grunt, panting. Grabbing hand trying and failing to make it stop. Close them, close them all.

How many more? Where are they? Demons (maybe twisted spirits?) leaking from cracks in the air. Why didn't it stop?

Haven't I given enough? Haven't I been enough?

orphan, danger, mage, warden, hero, researcher, herald, Inquisitor. L.o.v.e.r.

Why me? Why me? When would it stop?

Stupid question, silly question. Simple answer, obvious answer.

Death.

Dying, trying, wanting to live.

To live, to see, to feel, to love again…

Just a second, just a minute, just a glance. Touch, finger, lips, kiss. Body, soul. Eternity.

Cullen.

Come to me, come to me!

I'm sorry.

So so sorry.

I love you.

Still do.

Always have. Always will.

Come and take me away. Take the pain away.

Come and make everything simple again.

Let's go back to you and me.

Before all that's left are memories and tears.

-----

Cullen woke up with a start.

Cleaning the sleep of his eyes, he could only remember someone crying. Calling for him in the distance.

Shifting on the bed, he threw the bedsheet over his legs and felt the coldness of the wood on his feet. He walked to the window and watched the tents in the valley below. A knot on his stomach reminded him that all those lives were in his hands. His eyes fell on his fingers and palm. Closing and opening, he saw fog escaping his mouth.

A shiver ran down his spine, and he threw a blanket over his exposed shoulders and scarred back. His arm was the support needed for his body to lean on the window sill. His eyes sought the moon, which hid behind heavy clouds barely illuminating the castle grounds. If it weren't for the torches and braziers around the place, one could easily get lost and even die from a fall.

Knowing very well he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, he decided to roam around the place and maybe even grab some reports he had left on the war table.

The first thing he did when he opened the door was to bring his blanket closer to his body because the snow, shyly falling from the sky, decorated his surroundings with a white blanket of loneliness. The second one was to widen his eyes when they saw a strange dance of purple and green light on Alma's… the Inquisitor's quarters.

Hypnotized by the beautiful show, he found himself unable to move. His lips parted in awe, and the fog from his breath obscured his view for a split second.

He was suddenly too tired. His role as the commander weighed down on his shoulders, but it was his role as a templar that brought his soul down. All he wanted was to go back to the day a young boy met a soot-covered girl. When his dreams were pure and not tainted by darkness.

His fingers caressed the bracelet that one day he had given her. A final gift, a gift to make her remember him. He guessed it was just too much when Hawke showed up and handed him the small thing back. But could he blame her when he himself found his fingers seeking the sword knot she had given him as a way to soothe his soul?

His thoughts returned to that one day he desperately wanted to go back to. To tell her how much he loved her and that he always would. The day before she parted and everything came falling, like bricks of an already rotten place.

His dreams, his mind, his sanity, and his life. All gone on the *tip of a staff*.

A sigh escaped his mouth, and he ran his naked fingers over his unruled curls. He averted his eyes and was ready to turn around and walk as far as possible from her and the feelings she brought along with when out of the corner of his eyes he saw a silent explosion of multicolored wisps burst the doors from her quarters and disappear on the moonless sky.

Without a second to lose, he ran. He ran because she needed him… and he wouldn't let her down. Not again. Not anymore.

His blanket fell on the snow-covered floor. The winter wind enveloped his body, but even the chilliest of them on his exposed skin wouldn't avert his attention from her.

Skyhold was empty. People slept soundly in its interior while the ones outside fought the tiredness and coldness of the endless night. Cullen saw one or two soldiers here and there. Guarding the place they all called home.

Even though his armor was long forgotten in his office, and his sword rested beside it. He ran, ready to battle whoever dared to breathe in the same room as Alma… the Inquisitor. Dear Maker, she wasn't his anymore. Not like he wanted her to be. She was the Hero of Ferelden, the Herald of Andraste, The Inquisitor. Sand escaping between his open fingers.

The thought that someone dared to enter Skyhold and threaten her made Cullen beyond enraged. His hands closed into fists, and he almost ripped her door out of its hinges. He went up the steps two at a time, and his voice lingered on the stairs telling the soldiers on duty to stand ready.

Without a single word, he broke into her room and ran up the final steps only to feel all his anger fade away at the sight that made his already broken heart halt.

Alma was there alone and curled on the floor. Her cheeks stained with trails of tears. Her freckles visible through cuts in her clothing. The hair he loved so much, wild and untamed. She was just a little girl covered in soot all over again.

His chest was heavy, and it was difficult for him to breathe. His stomach churned, and his muscles tensed. There was a burning sensation on his eyes, and he felt them water. He wanted to move and take her in his arms. Clean those damned tears. Promise her that everything was going to be okay. Tell her that he was there and wasn't going anywhere. Kiss her fears away and pour his being to her. Apologize and beg for her forgiveness. To tell how much he still loved her.

He stood there, and they stared at each other for centuries.

The wind coming from the open doors flipped the open book's pages on her table and blew out the few candles that lit the place. Cullen saw her body tremble, but he wasn't sure if it was because of the cold or something else.

When a sob escaped Alma's soft lips, and her head fell, he took control of his body and closed the distance between them with cautious steps. Alma, and it was Alma, because any trace that showed who she had become was long gone. Taken by the wind.

His fingers caressed her wet cheek on their way to tuck her hair behind her ear. Her eyes searched his. Like a scared animal cornered and with no place else to go, she stared at him. In them, Cullen saw desperation and pain.

Sitting on the ground beside her, he brought her small frame to his chest and embraced her. She trembled and shivered but didn't push him away. Another sob escaped her mouth, and he felt her fingers trail his arms up to his nape and her nose bury on the crook of his neck.

One of the soldiers came to check on them, but even his interruption didn't stop whatever it was that was happening between them.

Alma never left his embrace. Her arms pulled him closer, and her lips touched the skin of his shoulder.

The room was filled with silence, but the silence was full of unspoken words and promises. There were begging, prayers, hope, fear, and mercy on their fingertips. Fingertips that traveled, caressed, made weird and unrecognizable patterns on skin. That left goosebumps in their wake.

Cullen buried his nose in her hair, and her scent stirred something inside him. A primal desire to have her for him and only him. To protect her from others, herself, and himself.

He tried to push Alma away. To stand up and leave her there. Leave her alone, just like she always asked him to do. He tried once again to do what was asked of him. To be a good templar, soldier, commander, and follow orders. But the man in him…

The man in him cupped her face in his hands and brought her lips to his. The man in him kissed her deeply and desperately. The man in him was finally free.

Cullen was afraid. He feared he had gone too far this time. That her hate would become disgust as well. That she would shun him in every possible way. That she would kill him from her soul.

Alma's head tilted, and he deepened the kiss. His teeth grazed her lips and her name rushed in whispers out of his mouth. Her fingers dove into his hair and pulled him closer. Her mouth called his name, and he got lost in surrender.

Her lips left scorching kisses on his jaw and down his neck. Her nails leaving rosy marks on his back. Her legs straddling him.

Unable to hold back any more second, Cullen lifted her off the ground and seated her on her table. With her legs wrapped around him, he started to undress her.

He followed the curve of her neck down to her breasts with his tongue, paying attention to every little sound she let escape, every reaction her body made. Her freckles once more visible for him to see and worship. He explored her skin with kisses and fingers; he savored the regained intimacy.

Alma was so beautiful, even more than he remembered. Besides the stars on her skin, he could see the passage of time. The scars telling him stories of times he wasn't there by her side. He found as many as he could, and he kissed them, a way to apologize.

His nose moved to her neck, and he nuzzled it there. Letting her scent overwhelm him. Gripping her hips, he returned to her mouth. He never tired of kissing her. Biting her. Loving her.

"Al-"

She shushed him with a kiss. Her fingers found his cheeks, and she deepened it. Cullen felt her tears mixing with the kiss.

He rested his forehead on hers. His lips kissed her eyes and then the crown of her head. His words were spoken into her hair.

"Alma-"

"Tell me that you still love me…" Her plea surprised him. "Please, Cullen… just lie if you have to. Plea-" Her loud sob interrupted her.

His ears couldn't believe her words. Lie to her? He never had and never would. He wanted to tell her, no, he wanted to show how much he loved her.

"What do I have to do to prove I will always love you? That you are everything I live for?" – His eyes looking into hers. His fingers cupping her face and his thumbs cleaning the tears away.

"Don't leave me. Kiss me. Say it and then make love-"

"I love you," He confessed. His arms lifted her, and he took her to her messy bed. Alma's body keeping his warm. Alma's kisses keeping his soul alive.

Cullen laid her gently. His eyes scanned her body with adoration. His fingers found her white underwear and curled on the band.

He took his time to take it off. Kissing and nibbling on the skin of her legs. Lingering on the spots he knew she loved him to, eliciting moans and giggles. Getting turned on with every little squirm, murmur, or plea from her.

He placed her legs over his shoulder and kissed the sides of her thighs until he felt her hand on his hair. Smirking to himself and sighing in happiness, he pressed a chaste kiss on her clit and heard a gasp in the air.

Her smell was intoxicating, but her taste was paradise. He kissed her once again. His tongue playing with her clit like a kiss. A small bite, and her moan filled the room. One more flick, and her fingers pulled his head closer.

He lapped her folds and brought a thumb to where his mouth once was. His tongue tasted, played, and delved into her. His finger caressed, massaged, and pressed murmurs out of her mouth. Cullen found himself already longing for days to come. Wishing he would never have to leave.

His other hand came to help him in his ministrations, and he pushed his middle finger slowly into her. It took him a few moments to find that sweet spot that always had her wriggling on his arms. Calling his name and begging him not to stop. Panting, moaning, and asking for more.

He would give her more. He would give her everything and anything she asked if it meant she would smile at him. Stay with him.

-----

Alma bit her lips and tried to suppress the moan threatening to escape her mouth, but Cullen knew her. Knew her every curve, every thought, every spot. He still knew how to make her come undone. Exactly where to kiss and where to press.

He remembered the places that made her shiver, the hidden spots that made her beg. He still remembered. More than ten years had passed, so much had happened, but he still knew her inside and out.

But what most impressed her, was that despite everything that had happened, all the times she pushed him away, showed him nothing more than hatred… he still loved her. He loved her as much as she loved him.

His hair curled around her fingers, his tongue playing with her, his finger searching and finding what she needed, and his confession still lingering on her ear were all too much. She came with his name on her lips. With hope in her tears.

She wanted more of him, she needed more of him. When her legs finally stopped shaking with the debilitating orgasm that hit her, she pulled him up and kissed him. He tasted of her and had memories of them. She kissed him and felt their souls entwine once more. She was finally whole again.

His fingers grabbed her knees and slid up her thighs. He sat between her legs and stopped his fingers on her hips to caress them with feather-light touch. His thumbs made circles on her skin, and his eyes worshipped her.

She sat on the bed to close the distance between them, and unable to stop the happiness feeling her being, she smiled at him. Her hand, warm with the anchor, touched his chest, and trailed down to help him out of his clothes. Their fingers bumping into each other, and Cullen bringing her knuckles to lay loving kisses on them.

Alma leaned back on her hands and watched him undress. His body was scarred, and she looked up at the scar on his lip. She regretted not being there to protect him.

When he was bare for her to see, she crawled her way to taste him. Her mouth left wet kisses on his skin. He held her head and cradled it in his hand. His thumb caressing her lips. She heard his moan when she opened her mouth and circled his finger with her tongue.

She was ready to have him in her mouth, but he interrupted her advances and pushed her down back on the mattress, his frame spreading her legs to accommodate him.

He kissed her, and she allowed him to do whatever it was he wanted with her. He marked her shoulder with a harsh kiss, sucking and biting to then soothe with his nose. A small place where only they knew. Another thing from a time when they weren't allowed to be together. When things were much simpler.

Cullen adjusted himself once more and placed his hand behind her knee. Angling her to be able to fill her. With one last look to make sure it was what she wanted, he kissed her, and then it all began.

His first thrust was slow. She knew he was holding back, letting her adjust to him. The second made her eyes roll. The third evoked a sinful moan from her mouth, and he then knew she was ready for him.

They were together. Time may have passed, but nothing had changed.

Cullen found the right pace. His hips pressing down onto hers, one breast on his hand, his tongue exploring her mouth. She paid attention, and she noticed every movement, every little sound.

She needed him deeper, to feel his hands on her, so she circled him with her legs, and he leaned back on his heels. She helped him to lift her and bring her onto him, to have her in the right position so he could penetrate her. She felt him tremble when he filled her again. His grip on her hips was sure going to leave marks on her skin, but she didn't care, she couldn't care. He was exactly where she wanted him to be.

She watched him making love to her. His eyes roaming her body, his hands gripping her, his parted lips suddenly trapped between his teeth. His grunts, moaning, and murmurs. Her name slipping between his delicious lips, and his arms bringing her up to his chest, his mouth nibbling her neck.

Alma watched him. Felt him. Fell in love with him all over again.

Her arms circled his neck for balance, and he thrust up into her. The position allowed him to press her clit, and she soon felt her climax building up. She kissed him and silently vowed to never let him go again.

-----

Cullen had her body pressed against him. She was warm, wet, and making him lose control of himself.

Her walls tightened around him, and he almost came with the sudden intense pleasure. He wouldn't last long like that. As if she read his mind, she kissed him and soon guided him to lay his back on the bed.

She straddled him and slowly sank down. One of his hands found her waist while the other disappeared between them, finding her sensitive spot and making sure she would come before him. Together they set a divine pace, and Cullen could memorize every sound she made. He prayed to hear them many more times.

She leaned on his chest with both hands, and he held her waist so he could be deeper in her. She moaned and begged him not to stop. Soon after, she called his name. Her walls spasming around him. Her legs trembling against his skin.

As much as he tried, he couldn't hold it any longer. He had waited so long to be with her again. He sat on the bed and kissed her. His hands explored her, one going up her nape, the other resting on the small of her back. He kissed her lips, her jaw, and her neck. He came with her name in a whisper. Begging her not to leave him again.

They stood there. Silence again filled the room, interrupted by their deep breaths.

Alma nuzzled her nose on his. Cullen brought her closer to him.

None of them wanted to let the other go. Afraid that what had happened was just a dream.

"Will you stay for the night?" Alma asked on his mouth. Kissing him to delay his answer. Terrified of his words would say.

"For as long as you want me to."

"Forever, then?" Her eyebrow lifted, and a playful smile made itself known on her face.

Cullen laughed.

Loudly, jovially, relieved, forgiven.

"Forever, then."

He kissed her, and they smiled on each other mouth.

They were together,… at least until her blood started to call again. Warning her that her time had come.

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#to err is human to forgive divine #cullen rutherford #alma #alma amell #tw #death #blood #lemon #smut

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