#Khomyuk x Legasov

[corn-fanfiction]

Barker (Valery Legasov x Reader) pt 2

I'm going crazy. She krem on my lin till I uhhhhh. Bits taken straight from the script luv u HBO I don't own your content 🫶 I love Khomyuk and Valery and Boris. I'm sorry I'm like this forreal I just wanna jump old man bones.

Fic under cut.

The hallway inside the Kremlin was long, too long, long enough to be a bad joke, and carved like white chocolate. You sat with Valery on that couch outside of the committee meeting room. You were both exhausted, but you carried your concern more physically. While Valery was collapsed into the couch, your back was straight and your eyes bounced from face to face.

"How did you sleep?"

Your head snapped to Valery, who looked as though he was trying to make casual conversation.

"Not well, but I knew I wouldn't. You?"

Valery sighed and shook his head.

"Not a wink."

"And no further word?"

Valery simply shook his head again. Your leg began to bounce on its own until Valery's hand found your knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. It was the shock, not the comfort, which halted you. Valery seemed to either not consider it impropriety or he didn't care.

You two stared at each other until Boris made himself known. He nodded to you then looked to Valery.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes."

Boris waited a beat, looking between you and Valery with shifty eyes. He cleared his throat.

"Khomyuk was arrested last night."

You shot up from your seat to stand but Valery spoke first.

"What? Why?"

"I don't know," came Boris' raspy voice. Valery was silent for a moment, and all you could think about was where Khomyuk might be, whether they had her in a typical prison, or someplace temporary, or someplace much worse. If they had hurt her. If-

Valery spoke your questions.

"Was it-?"

"Of course it was," Boris said. "I'm working on it."

You almost never spoke to Shcherbina out of turn- he was a very intimidating man after all- but you couldn't help yourself.

"Comrade Shcherbina-"

"I said I'm working on it." He looked between you and Valery. "What more do you want from me?"

Ideally, you wanted him to barge in there and demand answers from the Director of the KGB, or better yet, to let you do so. But you knew he wouldn't, so for the moment you let the bubbling fury go.

"Fix your tie," Boris snapped at Valery, who sat up and did as he was instructed. The secretary came from the meeting room and told them to come inside. It wasn't until Valery stood that you pulled from your thoughts and followed.

"Wait- let me take her seat." You grabbed the sleeve of Valery's jacket. He turned.

"It's not my decision," he said, rather forlorn looking. You looked past him at Boris.

"Boris-"

Boris turned to you sharply, and you thought he would chastise you for using his name, but he didn't.

"Stay put," he said. "You'll only cause more trouble if you go in."

With that, the two men walked inside and the door closed behind them. Dejected, you walked back to the small couch and sat. Khomyuk in the hands of the KGB. If they hadn't made her disappear yet, then it was only a matter of time before they did. Khomyuk was stubborn, same as you, but stubborness cannot delay a bullet to the brain.

You thought back to the day you met Ulana Khomyuk in earnest. Others were a shoe-in for assistant positions at the Institute, but not you. You fought for success. Good marks had never come easy to you. You would conflict tirelessly with those who doubted you but would soothe the offense with charm. But charm, like stubbornness...

You waited beyond a place of anxiety- a sort of half world between full awareness of the gravity of the situation, that any one of you could be next if you weren't careful, and a strange reassurance that if the KGB was at your heels, then perhaps there was truth to the work you, and all the other men and women, were doing. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, because would it at all matter if they were all dead?

Well, they would certainly all die, and sooner than any of them ever thought, but to be silenced was different. And now, all you could think about was confronting the silencer.

It felt like an eternity before the door finally opened again. Unfamiliar faces file out of the room, then Valery and Boris, and a man who strode past you had captured Valery's attention. You knew what this meant, and while you saw Valery gathering himself to confront this man, you realized something. Valery was known. Valery was constantly putting himself at risk, pushing and pushing until it was no longer safe, then retreating. If Valery pushed in this moment, you would be afraid of the consequences.

So, you addressed the man yourself.

"Excuse me?"

Behind you, Boris harshly whispered your name, and Valery held your arm. You ignored him. The elderly man turned.

"Yes? Do I know you?"

You cleared your throat, wet your lips, and tried to gather your courage. He was an unassuming man, but that meant nothing here.

"Chairman Charkov, my name is (y/n) and I am assisting Professors Legasov and Khomyuk and Deputy Chairman Shcherbina in the Chernobyl efforts."

He waited a beat for you could continue, but your words got caught in your throat.

"Yes?"

"I-"

What was happening to you? You were so we'll spoken and headstrong until this exact moment, looking in the eyes of arguably one of the most powerful men in the Soviet Union, and an image of Khomyuk's dead body floated before your eyes. If you did this wrong, would it ruin everything?

Before you felt like you'd fall apart completely, Valery brushes past you a bit.

"One of our associates was arrested last night. I mean no disrespect, but we were hoping you could tell us why."

"I'm sorry, I don't know who you're talking about."

"She was arrested by the KGB. You are the first Deputy Chairman of the KGB."

Valery's voice was tinged with irony and it scared you. Perhaps it would not be for the best if Valery handled this confrontation?

"I am. Which is why I don't have to bother with arresting people anymore."

Charkov gave you all a small, humble smile and turned to leave. Valery stepped forward again.

"But you are bothering with having us followed."

Now it was you who grabbed at Valery's arm and you said his name quietly, the was Boris had said yours. He was going too far, and only last night he was worried about you asking on Gorbachev's personality. Charkov turned to face Valery in a stark silence. Boris approached from behind you two.

"Professor, I think the Deputy Chairman is busy," Boris began. Charkov interrupted him.

"No, it's perfectly understandable. Professor, I know you've heard the stories about us. Even when I hear them, I am shocked. But we are not what people think we are. Yes, you're being followed. People are following those people. And those people," he gestured behind him. "They're following me. The KGB is a circle of accountability. Nothing more."

You watched as Valery shifted in his stance.

"You know the work we're doing here. You really don't trust us?"

"Of course we do. But you know the old Russian proverb: trust, but verify. And the Americans think Reagan made that up. Can you believe it?"

He turned to leave again. He truly was going to leave without addressing Khomyuk, go back to wherever he sits between meetings, and do whatever he does to innocent civilians. Your blood boiled.

"I need her," Valery said as a last ditch effort. Charkov turned back.

"And you will be accountable for her?"

"Yes."

Charkov shrugged as though it was nothing. "Then it's done."

Valery stuttered. "Her name is-"

"I know who she is. Good day."

Finally, Charkov leaves. Valery looked at you in shock, then you both looked back at Boris. You're all presenting the same degree of disbelief. Valery waited for Boris to criticize him, but he shook his head.

"No, that went surprisingly well. You both came off as naïve idiots, and naïve idiots are not a threat."

Boris took leave to follow after someone of equal power to him, to ask them questions about materials or finances. Now that it was only you and Valery, you allowed the mask to slip. You held your face in your hands.

"You did well," Valery preemptively assured you.

"I froze."

"Against a man like that? It was practically a survival instinct," Valery said quieter, then placed a polite hand on your lower back as you walked from the hallway and exited the building.

Valery had gotten a phone call of where to find Khomyuk: Moscow, near the hospital he'd asked her to visit. He'd have to take one of the helicopters if he was going to get there in a decent enough time. He wanted to go alone, thought it was for the best if you didn't follow him. The memory of you describing yourself as a dog, a kicked dog, that follows people around, haunted him. If he could get to Moscow without involving you, he would.

It wasn't that he didn't enjoy your company, quite the opposite. In fact, an ulterior motive for leaving you behind was that he didn't want to be seen with you more than necessary around the KGB. It didn't help that you both accosted the first deputy chairman in an open hallway in the Kremlin. He already put himself and Ulana at risk by insisting on her release. To indicate anything farther than comradery, such as friendship or something else, invited scrutiny and weakness.

Unfortunately for him, you'd bent the ear of a young officer that seemed keen on you and found out that a helicopter bound for Moscow was soon to depart with one traveler. When Valery exited his suite, you were waiting outside in the hall.

You startled him, that was certain, judging by the way he jumped at the sight of you. You smiled.

"You tried to leave before I found out?"

He sighed. "(Y/n...)"

"I feel so useless in that stupid hallway," you half joked. "And without you and Khomyuk, I'm useless here, still. Boris means well but he has nothing for me to do. And-" you hesitated. "I want to see her, Valery."

Your use of his name gave him pause, but that wouldn't sway him so easy.

"I'm not sure that-"

"Not sure. You're the smartest person within one hundred kilometers and you're not sure of two things within the past twenty-four hours, and they both have to do with me."

He looked at you like you were one of the one-hundred page packets of reports that come out of those Kremlin meetings. Like you were an unsolvable problem- or a problem it was up to him to solve.

That's when you realized why he was trying to leave you behind. You decided to do him the courtesy of not speaking this realization. However, almost as if you didn't need to, he seemed to understand.

"Alright. But...try to keep quiet, and keep your head down."

"Like you?"

Coming from anyone else, and going to anyone else, it might've seemed a cruel remark. But he smiled to show he understood your recognition of how he survives in these politics, just as if he were to crack a joke about dogs to you.

But he wouldn't. He would never.

You tried to talk to Valery on the helicopter ride to Moscow but he shut you down every time, and you knew it was for the best. Even if you asked him about the Chernobyl efforts, he was tight lipped. It was evening when you landed, and vaguely uniformed officers walked you through a jail, something that looked to be a transition location. That in particular bothered you, because where would Khomyuk have ended up if Valery hadn't intervened?

The officers walked you both to a cell and let you in. There Khomyuk sat, dressed it a nurse's garb, and she looked at you and Valery with a genuine, wide-eyed relief. While Valery stood composed behind you, you decided to take advantage of him as a guard and you collapsed onto Khomyuk with an embrace. She held you back and stroked your hair.

"I was so worried," you said. Khomyuk shushed you.

"Don't you dare lose sleep over me," she said. You'd never viewed Khomyuk as a motherly figure- you'd almost consider it a discredit. You didn't need a mother. What you needed was a mentor, and that's precisely what Khomyuk gave you.

You pulled away, half in shame, as Valery came further into the room and sat beside Khomyuk. You couldn't sit for the excitement. The room itself seemed to be peeling, collapsing inward. Perhaps that was how you were forced to look at everything anymore.

"Are you alright?" Valery asked.

"They didn't hurt me," assured Khomyuk. "They let a pregnant woman into a room with a... Oh, it doesn't matter. They were stupid, I was stupid."

You could only imagine. Khomyuk, like Valery, like you, was often too smart for her own good. Where Valery often played a long game, if Khomyuk saw an opportunity to fix something, she was damn well going to take it. It was impressive. It was terrifying.

"Dyatlov won't talk to me," she continued. "Akimov, yes, Toptunov, yes, but..." She looked over at you sadly. "Akimov...his face was gone."

You watched as Valery mistook her words.

"You want to stop?"

Khomyuk sighed. "Is that a choice I even have?"

There was a silence. You took a seat next to Khomyuk on the cell bed and she put a hand on your knee. Valery set his head against the wall.

"Do you think the fuel will actually melt through the concrete pad?"

"I don't know. A 40% chance maybe."

Valery chuckled weakly. "I said 50."

You smiled then, looking at him past Khomyuk. He was so charming when he was relaxed like this, and he almost never was.

"If anyone was curious," you spoke up, clearing your throat. "The numbers mean the same thing. 'Maybe'."

Valery's voice grew softer. "Maybe the reactor core will melt through to the groundwater. Maybe the miners who I've told to dig under the reactor will save millions of lives. Maybe I'm killing them for nothing."

He looked at Khomyuk, at you. "I don't want to do this anymore. I want to stop. But I can't. I don't think you have a choice any more than I do."

It made you wonder: how much of a choice would you have, if you asked? How far removed were you from the core of decisions, from the center of importance that you could actually walk away? Did it matter?

"I think, despite the stupidity, the lies, even this...you are compelled. We all are. The problem has been assigned and you will stop at nothing until you find an answer. Because, that is who you are."

It was turning too personal, too intimate between them. Part of it embarrassed you, as though you were intruding on something, and another part confused you, though you couldn't say why.

Khomyuk laughed. "A lunatic, then."

"No," you muttered. "If that were true, we'd all deserve to be here."

"No," Valery agreed. "A scientist."

Outside in the hall, Khomyuk told you and Valery about how the reactor core exploded after the engineers had pressed AZ-5, how Akimov and Toptunov both agreed, and how she believed them. She said she'd interview them again if they were still awake. Valery said they weren't.

Khomyuk was called to be processed from the jail. Sitting on the bench, under the bright lights and staring at sickening green paint, you began to feel a bit dizzy. Sleep continued to elude you.

"Does it ever feel," you began with your head between your knees. "That you're simply bandaging something?"

"It's all I ever think about," came Valery's gruff voice. You sighed at the floor.

"I've always found that funny, you know. People say that you should find a cure, not a bandage for a problem. But... without bandages, wounds bleed out before they can be sewn shut. Nobody knows what to do yet everyone doubts. You doubt."

You straighten to look at him. You can see the bags of your eyes in the reflection of his large glasses. "I doubt because we are gambling."

"Gambling is chance, this is calculated risk. You can muse and wonder if what you're doing is right by all those people, I can't tell you not to. But...day in and day out, you, Ulana, Boris, Tarakanov, you all push and push, you do everything you can and you don't even blink. Those miners know the risks they put themselves at. The boys we draft, the volunteers we send- bandages. And the patient can still die. The world can still end."

You stared at him and took his hand that rested between the two of you on the bench.

"Don't doubt. There's no time, and there's no purpose. It won't save you from the doubt of others, and I think that's the problem."

Valery closed his eyes and sighed. "Is that my problem?"

You squeezed his hand and his eyes opened. You were being quiet, as he asked, and no one was around to see. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or the trance inducing nature of the room, but you felt uninhibited. You hand came up and brushed a piece of hair from his forehead. He only watched you, like it was some tragedy that could not be prevented.

"It's a lesser one to have."

[dank-hp--memes]

I Need Ideas

Hey Yall, I need some inspiration for what to write about. I want to know what you guys would like to read in terms of my Chernobyl fics. I am obviously a Valana shipper. I just want to write what yall want to see. It doesnt have to be Valana. So please leave me a comment or a reblog. I love you all. Have a wonderful day.

(Here is an Ulana edit because I love her)

[sad-lad-posts]

What if Valery was Ulanas lover from when they were young and they got separated and they both moved on in their lives? And Chernobyl was what brought them back together? 🤯

[letsriottogether]

Circles

Another Valana fic that came to me yesterday night. At first I thought I would save it for later and implement it into Silence or something else, but I think it deserves to stand alone. This is going to be dark, so please 

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Title: Circles

Relationship: Ulana Khomyuk/ Valery Legasov

Characters: Ulana Khomyuk, Valery Legasov, Boris Scherbina, other characters

Warning: pls don’t hate me

________________________________________

He slowly sat down on a chair next to bed. It was quiet in the dimm room, Ulana managed to fall asleep for just a moment. His eyes were fixed on her face, which didn’t look calm even in her sleep, she must be still in pain. Small beads of sweat were forming on her forhead, running down her pale skin, eyebrows curled together, hair wet from sweat stuck to her temples. He couldn’t help but notice how the wrinkles around her mouth and eyes ran much deeper than when he first met her in that sad empty hotel in Pripyat not even two years ago. If only they knew what future planned for them.

It wouldn’t change anything anyway

He put his glasses down on the bedside table and took her small hand in his big ones, resting his elbows on the mattress in process. Ulana stirred in her sleep but did not wake up, for which he was thankful. He pressed their joined hands to his forehead, clumsily planting soft kisses around her wrist. He slowly exhaled and pressed her hand against his stubble cheek. His eyes then drifted from her face, down her frame, resting on her belly protruding almost unnaturally from her noticabely thinner frame. The pregnancy took its inevitable cost on her, given to her age and radiation exposure in Chernobyl. No matter how much he tried to keep her away from the 4th reactor back there, she got her dose, and being around the victims in Moscow hospital wasn’t really a safe alternative. 

Oh well. He mentaly chuckles to himself, even if sent army, she would always fight her way back, not being able to withdraw until the puzzle was solved, even if it would mean she would be dead within a month.

Ulana’s soft moan distract him from his thoughts. Her other hand is clutching the white fabric of the sheet that’s draped over her frame, mouth pouting in discomfort. He puts one of his hands on her belly, hesitantly caressing it, feeling small movements underneath. He knows Ulana will be awake soon, facing this hell, completely new kind of one for both of them. He feels even more lost than when he saw the reactor building split open, that was someone else’s fuck up that he had been called to solve and clean up. But this? This was completely and utterly his work. He knows that it takes two to make a child, but somehow feels more responsible for all this, for her suffering, for the life inside of her that is destined to be born with some sort of physical defeat, with inner disabilities (he cannot help but remember Lyudmila Ignatenko’s daughter), or maybe even born dead. He’s the one who should protect her from all of this and in the reality he ends up silently watching as week from week she gets worse, black circles under her eyes bigger, bones sticking out from underneath her marble skin no matter how much he’s making her eat, even contemplating feeding her during her worst moments. The bitter truth lingers in the air anyway. Even if they both weren’t banned from the outside world, from medical care, what would it matter? There was no help for the effects of radiation.

Please don’t let her suffer

With a loud groan her eyes open, blinking, searching around almost as if she had forgotten where she is. He immediately squeezes her hand and their eyes meet. She still looks exhausted, those few minutes of slumber helping only a little.

„How long was I asleep?“ she licks her dry lips, her voice raspy.

„Only for a moment,“ he replies, stands up a caresses her hair and hands her a cup of water. She nods in acknowledgement, taking a small sip with his help. Suddenly her breath turns deeper, she shifts her body and the sign of discomfort grows bigger in her face. He already knows this part, another contraction is coming. Not a long after that a wave runs through her muscles, her hands immediately fly to her belly, clumsily caressing it, sweat pouring down from her forehead, down her neck, down her spine. She’s biting her lip, keeping herself from screaming out in pain as the contraction grows stronger.

Valery sighs in frustration and runs hands through his thinning hair. He could explain to you how a nuclear reactor works, now also how to put out a fire if such reactor explodes, but when it comes to this, to normal life problem or these ‚women things‘, he is completely lost. He sits down on the edge of the bed, taking one of Ulana’s hands so she can squeeze it as hard as she needs. No matter how weak she might seem, she still has her power, he thinks to himself and is absolutely sure that there is a good chance she will crack at least one of his knuckles or simply leave nail marks on his freckled skin.

Ulana shifts her body again, pulling her legs up, bending them in the knees to support herself better. The pain gets weaker as the contraction fades away. She exhales and collapses back to the pillows that are stacked up behind her, to give her at least some comfort. 

Her eyes turn to Valery with a small reassuring smile, when her scream cuts through the air like a knife. A new kind of pain takes over her body, different one, and panic washes over her. She went through labor back when she was younger, she can remember how it goes, and this definitely wasn’t a contraction. This was something else.

Valery sees the horror in her eyes and freezes for a moment. Ulana’s hand grips on the white sheet covering her body and tears it away, swiftly pushing it to the side. She can feel something sticky on her inner thighs, making a small pool between her legs.

„Valery!“ her voice trembles with desperation, which finally has effect on him. New energy in his veins kicks in, he lets go of her hand and in one swift motion he’s at the door, flicking the light switch on. That’s when he sees what she already knew. Her crimson red blood shining out from the white sheets, and he can’t help but notice how her skin turns one shade paler. She’s breathing heavily, staring at the bloody cloth. Suddenly there’s deafening humming in his ears, breath catches in his throat and he switches to automatic. He runs out of the bedroom door, heart pounding loudly. He hears himself as if from a distance calling over his shoulder that he’s going to get Nastya. Or was that only in his head?

Nastya was almost like an angel sent from heaven, as much as they both refuse to believe in such things. Once Ulana and Valery were moved to new much smaller apartment, it was as if neighbours were already warned that they are blacklisted from normal world. And then Nastya moved to the apartment above. Old lady, with heart as big as Russian land, with witty comments and loud laugh. She immediately fell in love with the couple, not caring about any restrictions. She understood there was a secret surrounding these two. But when Ulana started showing, it was just so natural to offer them her help. She used to be a midwife after all. Oh, how many lives these hands helped to deliver. And now, her skills were needed more than ever.

Valery runs through the dark apartment, stumbling over shoes he meant to put away, almost falling down to his feet. In the distance he can hear Ulana’s whimpers. He opens the door to their apartment, leaving them wide open. He runs the stairs to the upper floor as fast as a fifty year old man can, his lungs and muscles in his legs burning. He starts franzily bashing at Nastya’s door and in a second her face appears in the doorway. From his expression she knows it’s bad. She pushes him to the side and starts waddling as fast as she can downstairs to Legasov’s apartment, her lips anxiously smacking as she straightens her old apron.

What she sees in their bedroom only confirms her fears. She rushes over to Ulana and starts checking her, pulling her legs open a bit wider to see better, so she can examine her, muttering under her breath.

Dievochka moya…

Their eyes meet, tears rolling down Ulana’s face. There’s no point in lying to her that everything is going to be just fine, she’s not stupid. Nastya’s expression softens, she shifts her stubby body to the younger woman and makes a small cross on Ulana’s forehead with her chubby finger. Valery watches this intimate scene between the two women, as if Nastya was Ulana’s mother and can’t help but feel a bit ashamed they had him as a witness. His hands are grabbing the door frame as he’s leaning on it, his knuckles turning white. There’s got to be something he can do. Fuck the KGB, fuck the ban of contacting anyone, fuck them for not allowing them medical care. He finds himself standing at the phone, not remembering he even left the bedroom filled with the smell of sweat and heavy sweet taste of blood. Of Ulana’s blood.

His fingers dial the number to call an ambulance. His voice raging, as soon as he gives the address and the name, there’s a small hesitation followed by silence on the other side of the phone.

„Are you there? This is an emergency! Send the ambulance now!“

„Yes, comrade,“ and the phone clicks.

Valery clenches his fist and hammers it against the wall in frustration. He would be surprised if the ambulance actually came. He can hear sheets ripping from the bedroom, Nasya’s soothing voice trying to calm the mother to be. All of the emotion a man can feel are running through him. 

Endless love for the woman who is sweat drenched lying in the next room, trying to survive birth of their child.

Admiration for all she has gone through, for all the things that are still to happen.

Gratitude for being with him, for choosing him, for coping with his sometimes annoying bachelor habits.

Happiness from all the small moments they shared, from just the simple fact of being together, near each other.

Sadness that in moment like this, when he would need someone to slap him to senses, Boris is god knows where. That he cannot tell his best friend what is happening in his life right now. Boris, I’m gonna be a father.

Shame for feeling completely useless, for not being able to get them better life even for their limited days together.

Betrayal from the world he grew up in, that he used to trust. The great soviet will take care of all its children. Well, of all the good behaving ones, he bitterly thought. He never ever wanted to play some political charades, he was just fine with his position at Kurchatov Institute, no need to climb up the social ladder. Surrounded by scientists, by knowledge, that’s where he felt content. And this knowledge sucked him into the madness called Chernobyl. He was only doing his job, helping to save others, to prevent further explosions and spreading the radioactive particles across the whole continent. And as a scientist he had to say truth about the cause. And this was how the party pays him?

And this all leads to one emotion that begins to swallow him.

Anger. Deep, raging anger.

After a moment of hesitation he picks up the phone again and dials familiar number, hoping to hear the deep voice of their friend Scherbina on the other side. Instead, only mechanic beeping is ringing through the plastic, penetrating his ear. This number has been disconnected, no longer belonging to Boris.

Fuck, fuck this, fuck them all

And it all ends with resignation.

/////////

Few hours pass, it’s still dark outside. At the horizon a slight strip of a bit lighter dark blue can be seen, announcing that the sunrise is coming to lift up the darkness the night has brought. The Moscow streets are empty, only few windows are lit, the city peacefully sleeps, resting before another day comes.

The Legasov apartment is silent. Nastya disappeared a moment ago, knowing there’s no place for her now, not for what’s about to come. Even though she has no idea how many years she will be here on this earth, she knows one thing for sure – until her last breath, she won’t forget this night. Who cares if there will be any consequences for her after tonight. She made a cross on her wide chest and muttered a small prayer for the life that has been born today, as she tried to calm her horrified mind and replays the scene.

Few moments earlier:

Ulana’s never ending panting and groaning changes into one last agonizing scream. The sound dies on her lips as a small weak cry echoes through the room, the newborn life sliding into Nastya’s hands.

„It’s a boy,“ she whispers and looks at Ulana, who is hypnotizing the tiny body, squirming, clearly unhappy with the change of its surroundings.

Valery is by her side, he has been the whole time, and plants a kiss on her temple, relieved that at least this part is over, proud goofy smile on his face. She looks at him her relieved expression slowly changing, the unspoken question in her eyes. Valery nods and steps to Nastya, who skillfully tied the umbilical cord, her gaze is now glued to the whining newborn, horror written over her features. And then he sees it too.

„Oh no…“

„What.. How is this possible?“ Nastya stutters. Valery takes the boy wrapped in a blanket to his arms, studying him, looking him all over. Instead of baby blue eyes accustomating to the new world, there’s.. Nothing. As if his eyelids simply coalesced with the skin of his soft cheeks.

„Valera,“ he can hear Ulana calling him, but he feels as if his body and his mind are in trance.

„Valery! What is wrong with him?! Give me my son!“

He looks over his shoulder and winces. Ulana lays sprawled on the bed, her skin sickly white more than ever, her boney arms pointed out to him in gesture to take the wrapped baby in her arms.

„His eyes…“ he whispers, somber look on his face. He hesitantly walks to Ulana and hands her the small squirming bundle. Her arms immediately wrap around her son, tears streaming down her face, sobs shaking her body.

„We knew this would happen,“ Valery says with trembling voice, getting down on his knees to be at her eye level. She looks at him with those blue piercing eyes, she knows all of this, she knew all along it would end up like this. Guilt washes over her. If only she noticed sooner that she was expecting, if only she wasn’t so daft when it came to women’s problems and herself. She would have… done it differently. Looking at their son, she couldn’t help but feel ashamed as the word ‚abortion‘ ran through her head. And anyway, back then at almost four months along and her age it would most likely mean a death sentence, especially under the conditions that applied to her and Valery. And again, she was left in a situation with no other choice than to carry on and hope for better tomorrows. Yet she couldn’t help but blame herself for putting both him and her and this innocent life through this.

Her gaze turns back to her son, and just like any other mother she begins to examine him, smiling sadly as he waves his tiny hands in the air. Valery watches them, his insides in death grip, thoughts in his brain running at speed of thousand miles per hour, hundreds of other diseases and complications enter his mind that can be invisible to them, but still can be occurring in this small body.

He vaguely notices Nastya standing beside him and turns to her. She steps aside, a bit away from the bed Ulana is lying on, and starts whispering urgently to Valery:

„I cannot stop the bleeding,“ and nods her head towards Ulana.

„What?“

„Ulyanochka… She’s been bleeding all night-„

„Tell me what to do, how to help her“ he begs, the situation dawning down on him. Nastya only shakes her head.

„I’ll try to call someone. You stay here and pray for her. Pray for them both,“ with that, Nastya emerges out of the room, determination shining in her eyes.

Valery hangs his shoulders down, hopeless. His gaze wanders to the scene on the bed, where exhausted Ulana coos at their son. He only hopes that Nastya will be back with the help in time.

He walks over back to them, Ulana raising her eyes to him, smile lighting up her face. Even though she’s tired beyond words, her hair is sticking to her skin, she’s still the most beautiful thing he‘s ever laid his eyes on. With slow motion she scoots to the side to make room for him and pattes the mattress, gesturing him to lie down. He obeys, making himself as comfortable as possible with his back propped up against the headboard, Ulana cuddling to him, holding their son. His arms encircle her and the small bundle.

The paths of life can be so unpredictable…

He can hear her start humming some old lullaby he could not recognize. The tenderness of her voice revealing him another side of her, that until now she was trying so hard to hide.

„That was beautiful,“ he whispered and kissed her into her hair.

„It’s byelorussian. My grandmother used to sing it to me, but I cannot remember the words. Only the melody remained,“ her voice trailed off. Silence took over the room, only every now and then quiet baby noises could be heard. Outside the sun was slowly rising, shining over the sleepy city, shining through the dirty glass on them.

„Valery, promise me one thing,“

„Don’t. Stop it, right now,“

„We both know that some things cannot be avoided no matter how much we wish they would disappear,“

„Have you ever wished to go back in time? Change your mind and never coming to Chernobyl?“ he asks, knowing that at some point they both came across this question in their mind, his pathetic attempt to turn the conversation somewhere else.

Ulana sighs, looks out of the window, then back to their son and finally lays her head down back on his chest.

„I only wish we had more time. Or that we had met before. But I think that our paths would be anyway connected with Chernobyl. No matter what happened, no matter what is stil going tol happen, I do not regret any choice I made since that April morning,“ Valery silently nods. Her breathing is getting heavier, she speaks slowly. Her whole body relaxes against him. Where the hell is Nastya?

Another silence, almost sacred, both feeling something inescapeable, fateful in the air.

Ulana lifts her head to him, and it breaks his heart into million pieces as he can see the flame in them slowly dying away.

„Take care of him. For as much time as he has,“ she whispers. Words get caught in his throat and he looks at the sleeping infant, gently rocking him in his arms.

„I will,“

She contentedly closes her eyes, single tear sliding down her cheek. He bends down, planting soft kiss on the skin of her forehead. Her eyes flutter open, and she lifts her head to meet his lips in a slow yet powerful kiss. As they break apart, he rests his forehead against hers and hears her whisper:

„I love you, Valery Aleksiyevich,“

„I love you, Ulana Yuriyevna,“

He starts planting small kisses all around her nose, cheeks, making her chuckle.

„Have I ever told you the story of how Schrebina destroyed a phone?“

She slowly shakes her head and rests against him.

„We just tried the robot on Masha roof, it was sent from Germans. Of course, the robot died after few minutes. We all were trying to absorb the reality, of what it meant, while Scherbina ran out like a bull after a red flag. Back in the trailer, oh, you should have heard him the words he said to the poor guy on the phone. He learned that the party gave Germans official numbers regarding radiation levels, which was his undoing, as he kept smashing the earpiece against the phone,“ Valery went back in his memories to that day, which made them unmistakably send many men to die ‚for the greater good‘. He couldn’t sleep few nights after that, but decided that to keep his mind sane, he has to focus on these small moments, to help him carry through the darkness.

As he took another breath to continue, he felt Ulana’s body grow heavier on him. His whole being froze, as her hand slid down from the blanket in which their son was wrapped. Tears filled his eyes as reality hit him hard in the face, knocking out every single atom of air hiding in his lungs. He moved a bit to the side, so he could see her better, placing their son between them, taking her empty face to his hands, her eyes still halfway open, but the burning fire in them was gone. Sobs were shaking his body violently, as he closed her eyelids and placed a soft kiss on both of them, whispering over and over.

„Ulana moya, moya Ulyanochka…“

 ////////

If Chernobyl cut his life into five years living expectancy, that night took another half of that.

In the early morning, when finally KGB allowed anyone to get to their apartment, his son died in his arms, while he was watching the paramedics wrapping Ulana’s limp body.

As much as he was trying to be ready for any possible outcome ever since the moment they learned she was pregnant, nothing could ever prepare him for this. He was never able to sleep again in that room, keeping it locked away. Only in moments of despair and a lot of vodka in his system he would allow himself to go inside and weep everything that he lost.

He never got to know where Ulana nor little Valentin Valyrievich were buried.

To his great surprise, Boris was allowed to visit him twice, for no more than fifteen minutes. The first time Valery could have sworn he was on the brink of drinking himself to death.

As the April 88’ got closer, he knew one thing for sure. He has to collect everything he knows, everything he remembers. Not for fame, not to boast about his knowledge. For the memory of all the lost lives, for all the hope that has been taken away from so many people. In attempt to prevent this from happening ever again. He had to say it, all of it. For her. For them. 

On the second year anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster, the night which started a completely new chapter of his life, he brought the circle to end and at least this part of his existence took in his own hands, taking his life with it.

[ashleyblackblog]

My Chernobyl PicsArt. :P

[dank-hp--memes]

Someone draw Ulana like this... I can see her saying this to boris...

[elenatria]

how would boris react if he saw valery crying? what do you think?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19824418/chapters/48220096

Boris felt the weight of the bottle in his hands.

What do you think you’re doing, he hates vodka.

He was praying to a god that didn’t exist that he had made the right choice as he traced Stolichnaya’s red and golden letters with delicate yet eager fingers. His was a pure, reverent touch, like feeling a lace-trimmed camisole in the dark before letting his hand slip under it, drawing moans and sighs that would heighten his own pleasure.

But things were easy back then. Women knew what to expect of him and he knew how good he could be as he eased their heads on the pillow while his hand worked silently into them.

He felt sweat coming out of his pores and glanced at the label again. He had never found the fiery transparent liquid so mouth-watering before. Holding his breath he rose his knuckle in front of the door, wondering what would happen if he knocked. Every second he hesitated earned him new doubts, new realizations. This, he reckoned with a sigh, was indeed a night of many firsts: first time to really appreciate the intensity of Stoli burning in his mouth, first time to be aching for a man.

Not just any man. Maybe that’s why you’re nervous.

He bit his lip pushing away the nagging thought that Valery wasn’t ready for this, for him. Valery didn’t want him. Valery had forgotten about their hug. It was very likely that he would once again deny him the pleasure of downing a bottle of vodka with him, after all they hadn’t had a sip of alcohol together in ages.

He took a deep breath. Maybe he could talk Valery out of his stubbornness this time, hell, they had earned that little luxury after putting the lunar rover to motion that morning. Besides, for the first time in weeks they had spent the evening celebrating at the hotel restaurant with other commission members, eating beef Stroganoff, goulash and cherry piroshki. And for all his burning desire he had earnestly tried to be a good boy.

But it was Valery’s heat next to him that was forcing him to stand perfectly still, to focus on nothing but that restless knee that was casually rubbing against his thigh every time Valery got up to grab a bowl of soup or a piece of Kiev cake. He knew Valery kept his knees to himself whenever he was tense, whenever the workload was consuming him, yet there he was, a changed man, spreading his legs as if he was sitting alone, chatting with his colleagues, ignoring Boris’ weight against him. As if they had always sat that way, close to each other, sharing the same space, the same warmth.

But they hadn’t. This was new, and it was making Boris seethe under the tablecloth.

He glared at him a couple of times. Valery had spent most of the dinner chatting with Khomyuk and Site Officer Masha. He seemed relaxed, confident and once again, oblivious. Boris wasn’t used to being ignored and that was certainly not the behaviour he was expecting after the long heartfelt embrace they had shared in the remote command center. Worst of all, he was starting to despise anyone who was getting the professor’s attention, his smiles, his laughs; things that belonged to him, that were meant for him.

How dare he.

At last Valery settled in his seat cutting a piroshki in half.

“Do you want some?” he offered turning to Boris.

The politician rolled his eyes glowering at him.  “I’m full,” he growled.

Valery paused for a moment to consider the deputy chairman’s face, shrugged and turned to his dessert sucking at the cherry filling so hungrily that it spurted out of the corners of his mouth.

“Oh shit—” he mumbled dragging his finger through the red sticky substance that was sliding down his shirt.

Boris watched him idly as Valery dipped his towel in a glass of water and wiped the stain.

“Beige shirts won’t do it, it seems,” he joked, “what I need is deep red.”

“What you need…” Boris sighed sitting up and inspecting his friend’s smeared face as he tilted his chin up, “is a bib because you’re an infant, Valery. Come here.”

“H-here…” the scientist stuttered against Boris’ firm thumb that was keeping him still, raising the damp towel.

Boris’ frown slowly turned into a crooked smile as he kept his eyes fixed on Valery’s glistening mouth. “Now that would be a waste, wouldn’t it…”

He brushed a thumb over Valery’s lower lip to wipe the jam and brought the sweetness to his mouth, swirling his tongue around the fingertip. Valery’s hitched breath didn’t get lost on him; his mouth fell open as his eyes stayed glued on Boris’ mouth, entranced by the unexpected touch, mesmerized by what Boris was doing to his own finger.

Valery blinked and shook his head as if he had just woken from a dream. “I – uh…” he cleared his throat. “I need to go back to my room. Too much wine.”

Before Boris could protest that Valery hadn’t had one drop of wine all evening, the scientist jumped to his feet, straightened his tie and creased jacket and threw a clumsy apology at his colleagues. Boris huffed and dropped back into his seat watching him stumble over chairs and tables in his haste to leave the room.

Valery Legasov could honestly drive a man insane.  

 Boris feared that a bottle of Stolichnaya would probably have the opposite effect of what he was after. Still, it was all he could find on that dinner table before he rushed out of the hotel restaurant and into the lobby, hitting on the buttons like a madman as if that would bring the elevator down faster.

When he reached their floor he made himself stop. Any other night he would have stormed into the room like a raging bull, pull Valery against his chest and smother any protests with his tongue until his object of desire was trembling with need and grabbing his cock, compliant, willing to offer him a fast release. For some reason that didn’t seem to be the right course of action. Valery’s departure was more than the panicked reaction of an awkward lover. There was fear in his eyes. Fear and something darker Boris couldn’t fathom.

While he stood in the corridor rethinking his plan, it wasn’t his doubts that kept him from barging into Valery’s room and forcing him to down that vodka to the last drop. It was a faint sound, like a child lost in the dark, that he hadn’t heard before, certainly not from Valery.

He curled his fingers around the knob. The door was unlocked.

“Valery?…” he whispered as he pushed the door open.

He couldn’t see anything in that room, the only source of light being the street lamps outside the window. A dark figure was sitting still in front of the glass, bending over something Boris couldn’t see, afraid to move, afraid to breathe.  He felt a shiver down his spine, as if breathing was forbidden in that room, in that closed space that was meant only for smoking and sleepless nights.  

And guilt.

The silhouette held its breath. Boris squinted in the dark trying to make out what Valery was holding in his hand. A big square piece of paper.

He instantly knew what that was. The X-ray envelope the soldier had given Valery a few days ago.  

He’s dying, was the spontaneous chilling thought that crossed his mind. He’s dying, I’m losing him.

Within a second, a million ways to say “I’m sorry” filled his head.

“Valery, what is it?…”

With a few decisive strides he reached the bundle of regret that used to be Valery Legasov, the esteemed professor, and cupped his shoulder waiting to hear news that would shutter his world to pieces.

Valery lifted his head blinking weakly at the faint light that was coming from the street lamp and making him look paler than the moon. His pockmarked cheeks were glistening with trails of tears.

“What—” Boris breathed.

Valery’s gaze remained fixed on the lamp. He rose a trembling hand and held the X-ray against the glass. It was someone’s lungs. They looked like the sky at night, a million stars spread all over it, a million bright holes.

“Do you know what this is?…” he murmured trying to stifle a sob. “They sent it from the Academy of Sciences. I asked them…” he gulped down hard, “…to send it to me. I had to see it with my own eyes.”

Boris shook his head in silence dreading Valery’s answer.

“Th-this is what sand and boron do to a man when thrown into an open nuclear reactor,” Valery stammered. “They form hot particles, burning through his lungs.” He wiped his swollen nose with the back of his hand. “Atoms of lead, sand and graphite combined and were shot high up into the atmosphere when we…” He raised his hands looking for answers that weren’t there. “They traveled with the wind over great distances, hundreds of kilometers. People, children who don’t even know what a nuclear reactor is have been breathing them since day one. Since I told you to— since I told you to—to bring me…”

He started shaking and held his head in his two hands. “This is—this is what we did to those people, Boris, and they don’t even know,” he choked through his sobs. “Children who don’t know why they’re dying because no one explained to them why, and no one can. They’re dying because we dropped lead panels into a reactor that melted them like chocolate bars at 2,000 degrees. They’re dying because I can’t tell a cold scientific solution from a fucking death sentence. They’re dying because of—because of m—”

He pulled his glasses from his face and let them slip on the carpet. There was no strength left in him, no drive. “We were supposed to save them, Boris, not kill them, we were supposed to—to…” his voice trailed off.

“Valery don’t—”

“NO,” Valery yelped slapping his knee with newly found fervour, his tear rimmed eyes piercing through the dark like blue furnaces of despair.

He stood on his feet rubbing his temple as if to keep his head from splitting apart.

“Valery, there was nothing to be done,” Boris pleaded. “You were frantically looking for solutions to a catastrophe no man had ever faced before, no history, no nuclear wars, no science to guide you, you were—"

“No science, what are you talking about?!…” Valery scoffed shutting his eyes. “Sand and boron, sand crystallizes with heat, it was my idea… My…” He faltered. “Oh God, Boris… Oh God…”

There was only so much suffering and guilt Boris could stand.

He rose and pulled the devastated professor in his arms shushing him. Desperate hands were clutching at his back again like they had done earlier that morning, as if to stop him from disappearing in a cloud of smoke. He brushed his hand through Valery’s hair, squeezing him tighter whenever he felt him losing his strength, rubbing his back with long reassuring strokes, repeating the movement like a silent prayer.

I’m here.

I’m here.

I’m here.

They stood there, in the middle of the dark room, for minutes that felt like hours while Valery cried like a baby, soaking Boris’ collar with tears until his violent sobbing weakened to a whimper.

“Shhhh…” Boris placed soft lips on his forehead brushing away the messy ginger strands with his nose. A vein was pulsing on his mouth fervently and he kissed it, willing it to relax under his loving pressure.

“I failed them–” Valery choked in Boris’ chest. “I failed them. I was supposed to save them, but I failed them…”

“Shhh, Valera,” Boris reassured him nuzzling into the folds of his neck. “They’re dead, and many others will follow. But you’re not. Not yet. Look around you, you’re not done with this, you’re not done with… me.”

Valery’s last sob drowned into his throat. As if waking from long days of stupor he rose to meet Boris’ blue eyes. A timid smile bloomed on the Ukrainian’s lips.

I’m here.

I’ve got you.

Valery blinked, an unuttered question still quivering on his lips.

“B-Boris…”

Boris knew, that was not a question. It was a plea. It was days, months of waiting, doubting, anticipating.

Wanting.

With a hungry impatient sigh he responded with a kiss so fierce, so possessive, so absolute in its ferocity that Valery had barely time to suck in a gasp.

They tried to find their balance as their bodies rocked against each other, losing themselves in the moment, exchanging breaths, touches, little moans against each other’s lips. Boris panted, shocked and delighted at Valery’s boldness as he felt his mouth violated by an unexpectedly eager, hardened tongue.

Professor Legasov, you’re not new to this, are you.

His cock stiffened at the thought of ravishing Valery right there and then just to punish him for not being a virgin for him. He reached for Valery’s fly, pleasure warming his groin as he palmed the other man’s thickness under the fabric.

He stopped and pulled back as if he had heard a noise. Valery, his lips still slick with Boris’ saliva, questioned him with his eyes.

Boris’ fears had found the wrong moment to haunt him, the very minute he was going to have this wonderful unique man to himself.

“And our rooms, even our bathrooms.”

Bugged.

They were being watched by a million eyes, overheard by a million ears. How could he forget.

Thankfully they hadn’t said anything inappropriate. But the passionate noises they made, the moans, the sighs…

He wanted him so bad. Have him any way he could, on the old carpet, against the hard wall, in the bathroom watching their reflections fuck like animals, fuck him like a woman, fuck him until he cried out, until his name on Valery’s half-open lips withered into an adoring whisper.

But he couldn’t jeopardize his Party card, their work, their freedom. There was so much at stake and a quick bang in a seedy hotel room wasn’t worth their lives.

He let go of the man he loved. The man he was burning for.

“Not tonight, Valery,” he muttered with regret. “Not here.”

Valery bit his lip with a disappointed nod and straightened his tie and shirt, like he always did when he was trying to find his composure. He was the respectable chemist again, a man of dignity.

Still, there was some spark left in him as he tucked his shirt in his waistband. Without raising his head he mumbled through his teeth, still bold in his shyness, like a kid holding Boris to his word.

“Then when…”

Boris chuckled and let his hands drop on his sides. There it was again, the Legasovian pout, demanding the promise to be fulfilled – and soon. He clasped Valery’s head and rose it to his lips.

“Soon…” he breathed into Valery’s hair planting a soft meaningful kiss. “You’ll see.”

(Tagging @fmasha-l @boisinberryjamarama @shark-in-the-park and anyone else who wants to be tagged, let me know.)

[corn-fanfiction]

Barker (Valery Legasov x Reader) pt 3

Cw: mentions of dead dogs

A/N: what if I said I was crazy what then

Fic under cut

A little over a year later and you were back in Pripyat. The consequences of this short lived colony was lost on most, and on those who know, it was merely swept aside. Any fates tied to the nuclear undoing of that night in April are sealed in the concrete, the sand, the boron- the graphite and the air around them. There was no one left to care who already don't, or who cannot.

It was a late night of drinking and reading for you. Once again at the hotel, you ended up ignoring your book in favor of staring out the window at a starless night. You saw easily the fountain courtyard where you and Legasov had walked with the dogs. You'd cried when you heard about their systematic execution, though you understood the ordinance. No longer little barkers littering the streets. No one left to place small hopes on.

A knock at the door and you started. You had to blink and rub your eyes from how they've glazed over. You replaced your glasses and opened your hotel door to none other than Legasov himself. He stood straight in that way he did, like he was bracing for something.

"Oh," you said quietly, then cleared the lack of speaking from your throat. "Good evening, Comrade Legasov."

It hadn't been long, but it'd been long enough since you'd seen him that to call him Valery felt inappropriate. He noticed this, or noticed something, and looked at the floor.

"Eh, yes, evening. I was wondering if..." But he looked down the hall before he finished his sentence. You tapped the doorframe and bit the inside of your cheek in indecision.

"Would you like to come inside?" You offered, the strain of unease apparent in your voice. If there had been cause for paranoia at the start of all this, then that had increased tenfold to this moment in time. Legasov nodded and you let him in, closing and locking the door behind him. You pressed your eye to the peephole and waited to see if anyone passed down the hall. No one did.

"Do you think they still have the rooms bugged?" You asked as you tore yourself from the door. Legasov had made himself comfortable on the sofa and held his head in one hand.

"They do or they don't. It doesn't matter. No one's listening for tomorrow."

You watched him in silence. He lit a cigarette. He was already graying and his skin was developing deeper marks. He had been closer than the rest of you, save Boris, so of course it would show faster. That didn't ease the ache of your heart any.

Grabbing a bottle of liquor and two glasses, you joined him on the sofa. You set up the glasses carefully and poured you both a hearty amount. You nudged the glass his way when he didn't immediately go for it.

"To the workers of the world," you said in a half-hearted toast, trying to coax even a smile from him. He didn't give one, but drank anyway. You took a sip.

"I've spoken to Ulana," he said after his drink. You licked your lips dry and replaced your glass slowly.

"Oh?"

"I assume you read about Vienna."

"I did."

He couldn't look at you. You wanted to make him look at you, but you didn't. And he didn't say anything else.

"What are you wanting me to say?" You asked in earnest. He tilted his head towards you.

"Anything. Condemn me or put me at ease. Tell me what you would've done."

The desperation forced its way through his words and you understood then. He pressed his hands between his knees and stared at the carpet. You cleared your throat.

"Any one of those would be dishonest."

Your response was intriguing enough that he finally looked at you with those eyes wide with curiosity.

"Even the last?"

"How could I possibly know what I would've done? I didn't have to do it. I can perhaps say what the right thing would've been, but even then... What does it matter?"

He rolled something invisible between his flat hands. "It matters."

You watched him. "You're going to change your testimony."

"Khomyuk thinks I should."

"And Boris?"

Valery chuckled. "You think I've brought this to him?"

"I don't know what to think. About any of this. Are you hoping to get the same answer from me and have a majority rule? So that you won't have to go to Boris?"

The look in his eyes was one of hurt and you hated that you caused it, but there was a sudden and quiet anger that had grown in you.

"I didn't mean-"

"Yes, I was angry when I read what you said in Vienna, because we sacrificed, we still sacrifice so much to learn the truth. Lives that were lost- our lives. But I also can't preach righteousness because I'm not you. Not even in that moment but ever. There's a reason it was you and not any one of us. So no, I won't condemn you but I won't free you of it, either. And if you ask me what I would do tomorrow, I'd tell you to leave because you know, you know I can't say."

Tears welled in your eyes and you forced another drink down your throat. Valery watched you in silence before he inevitably did the same. After a moment, he cleared his throat. You were both doing that a lot.

"But if it were you?"

You found yourself laughing at that, even if it was twinged with cruelty. "I'd tell them the truth, tell them all to go to hell, then damn the state in the same breath. How's that?"

Suddenly you were craving a cigarette so you took his that had been sitting half forgotten in an ashtray on the table. You inhaled deeply and cradled your head.

"But that's why it's not me, isn't it?" You murmured and blew the smoke.

"I'm a coward," he said quietly. You lifted your head.

"Maybe. Maybe not. What are you afraid of?"

"Being shot is at the forefront."

"Sounds reasonable enough."

"You, Ulana, and Boris suffering similar fates."

"Not ideal," you took another drag and passed the cigarette back to Valery. "But?"

He breathed, allowed the smoke to leave his lips lazily as he set his head back against the wall. He looked at you.

"What's a bullet to a dead world?"

You matched his position but pulled your legs up onto the sofa.

"Whatever the right decision is...I think that's the one you'll make tomorrow."

Valery nodded, his eyes wandering to the window over your shoulder. He rubbed his mouth.

"I miss the dogs."

"Me too."

"Do you still follow Khomyuk?"

You smiled a little at that. "Less so, now. Mostly for security's sake; we don't want any prying eyes and ears to get the wrong idea. But after being here, some doors opened up, so to speak."

"Well, there had to be some good."

You shook your head and took the cigarette back.

"Not in lies. Never in lies."

"You tell on yourself."

You nodded at him. "As do you. The question is, what's to be done?"

You smoked, passed it back. He smoked, stubbed it out in the ashtray.

"Tell them the truth. Prevent this from happening again."

"Or try to, at least."

"Well now, don't make me doubt."

The lighthearted nature the conversation was taking caused you both to smile. You rubbed your eyes. "Sorry. I'm just tired. Ready to be finished but knowing it never really will be."

"Especially..."

"Yes. What future are you sacrificing?"

It was a bold question, to say the least, but it didn't seem to shock Valery too much. Perhaps coming from you, it read differently. Perhaps he simply didn't care much anymore.

"My career. My friends."

His eyes found yours and did not leave.

"Irreplicable, but not irreplaceable."

"No," he shook his head. "Speaking the naked truth of it tomorrow but then being forced into silence for the remainder of my life, no matter how short it will be, is punishment enough. Never to speak it to those who understand it best, and can do the best with it..."

You put a hand on the arm that was propped upon the back of the sofa.

"Try not to overthink it. What you conjure up in your head is of no consequence to the truth. It can't be until you know."

"One could say the same for hoping."

Your hand slid to his and fingers found fingers.

"Well...then let us have the small hopes. I was thinking of those dogs earlier- the hope had to go somewhere, didn't it?"

"Space, science, and for what? To say we did and we can?"

"Isn't that what it's about?"

"I don't know. If I ever knew, I don't anymore."

"Well, we know the truth, and we know the right thing, don't we. To save as many lives as possible. If it's not about achievement, it has to be about advancement. To move forward."

Valery was now worrying his hand across his chin in a move fueled by unadulterated anxiety.

"I wish you could share this burden. That I could help you carry it. I will be there. It's the greatest measure I can offer, little as it is."

He squeezed your hand.

"No," he mumbled into the hand that graced his face. "It's just enough. Thank you." After a brief moment of silence he spoke again. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Life after this. You have more ahead of you, after all."

The thought saddened you. Not the life you would probably have, but that he assumed he wouldn't.

"I'm not sure, to be perfectly honest. More work, maybe settling down, but..." You chuckled in spite of yourself. "I run. I chase and I don't know if I'm meant for that sort of life."

"You could be."

"And you don't think you could be?"

Valery sighed. "I'm afraid it may be too late for me. Besides, I don't want to find someone only to leave them behind soon."

You watched him in silence. He smiled with every word the smile of someone speaking in full emotional honesty. A smile of acceptance, even if it was bitter.

"If it was something you wanted," he said. "It would be a shame not to try. And I, for one, think that some individual out there would be more than lucky to encounter you."

You blushed furiously and fiddled with your glasses, took a drink, did most but look at him.

"For what it's worth, and I mean this, I consider myself lucky to have encountered you," you said.

You knew, you both knew, that anything in this room was going nowhere. It had the appearance of impracticality, but how much of that was true? What was practical anymore

And him. Valery could not believe that time and time again you treated him with so much vulnerability and warmth, not to mention the physical affection when no one was looking. You had so much to do and he... he didn't have much ahead of him, did he? Especially not now. He was content with his cat and his career. He had only entertained this sort of emotion when he was younger. He'd settled with himself that he was awkward, generally bad at conversation, not very interesting- and you were none of those things.

A yawn seized you and broke the moment. Valery sat up on the couch and pulled his hand from yours.

"It's getting late, and I've kept you enough," he said, and stood before you could potentially argue. Though, what would you say? That you didn't want him to leave because you would miss him, and that come tomorrow, you may never see each other again?

He walked to the door and you followed. No, you couldn't keep him. Not without making things complicated beyond repair. Still, you held his arm as his hand grasped the door handle.

"Valery," you said softly. He turned to you. Hesitantly, with a knot in your stomach, you reached up and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. "You are a brilliant man, and a good one. No matter what happens after tomorrow, I want you to remember that."

If he heard you after the kiss, you couldn't say. He simply stared at you, mouth agape. For a moment you feared you'd overstepped, which you certainly did, but that the affections weren't returned in the slightest. He closed his mouth finally, and looked at the floor.

"I- thank you," he said. He nodded to himself. "Yes."

You both smiled.

"Well, goodnight," you said. He opened the door.

"Goodnight."

[dank-hp--memes]

A Companion: Chapter 3 (i think...)

So I obviously haven't been writing lately. I just spend all of my free time doing calculus... so... here is something.

Valery was snapped back to reality by a soft groan and Ulana moving in his lap, her hands held her lower belly and her lips parted to allow short breaths in and out. Tears rolled down her cheeks before she leaned back against Valery. He looked down at her belly and felt tears begin to well in his eyes. He knew even the slightest of movements caused Ulana to be in extreme pain and discomfort. Their child caused her an immense amount of agony, and slowly, it was killing her. Her body leaned against Valery limply as she took in deep breaths just as the pain dulled to the level she normally endured. There had been a particularly violent movement from within her womb. Valery gently rubbed the side of her belly, his chin resting on Ulana's shoulder. He pressed his nose to the crook of her neck, letting out a soft sob. Seeing her in pain was one of the hardest things for him, for there was little he could do to take away her pain.

It takes two to make a baby, but Valery could not help but feel responsible for the immense amount of pain she was in. His heart ached for her, for she was his other half. She was his soulmate and he knew they were meant to be together, one way or another.

Eventually, Ulana gently reached up and ran her boney fingers through what was left of his hair. Valery sniffled and managed to smile somberly at her. He could not help but wonder how their life together could have been different if Valery had stuck to the party line. Would she have hated him for it? Would she have aborted the child, unable to fathom being with him again? Would she have even told him about the baby? Sure he would have had his 'freedom' but would he have had his happiness? Ulana seemed to be the only source of true happiness in his life. Before her, Valery's life had been dull and colorless, for he had always spent his days alone. All of that changed when he met Ulana, for she was someone who could understand him, and her presence made his life more interesting to say the least.

A few hours passed, Ulana had gotten up and moved to a rather plush armchair that Valery had next to the window. She had fallen asleep there, sitting in the sunlight. Sasha had crawled onto Ulana's belly and proceeded to lay down, purring quietly. Valery watched her for a while. She looked extremely peaceful, her feet propped up on a small ottoman that matched the chair. The chair reclined a little, and it was at just the right angle to keep Ulana comfortable, besides the fact that her uterus was squishing her organs as she seemed to slowly wither away, her life shortened by the little life she grew within her. Valery smiled solemnly and proceeded to cover her with a blanket, which disturbed Sasha a little, but she returned to her rightful place on Ulana's large and swollen belly. Valery smiled solemnly as he brushed a few grey hairs off of Ulana's pale face.

Out of nowhere, there was a gentle knock on the door that made Valery jump. He glanced over at the door for a moment before approaching it. He pulled open the door to see his neighbour, Maritza, or Mara. She had been a nurse for the longest time before she became too old. She was a Polish woman, who had grown up. Mara was quiet and hated socializing, but she had quickly befriended Valery when he had been moved into this new, small apartment. She was on the tall side for a woman, but her frame was rather slim. She smiled kindly at Valery, her deep-set, coffee coloured eyes glimmering at him. She held up a small tray of tea and biscuits. Valery nodded and silently let her in, so as not to disturb Ulana. Somehow, Mara always had the most exquisite tea. The scent of an extravagant earl grey Mara had brewed filled the apartment, making Ulana stir slightly.

"I noticed you had a visitor" Mara whispered as she set the tea tray down on the table. 

Valery smiled and nodded response, feeling embarrassed.

"She is my… my lover…" Valery said, struggling to find the right word to describe his relationship with Ulana. 

Mara raised an eyebrow and glanced at Ulana before shaking her head, holding back a laugh.

"Your Lover?" She said chuckling softly.

"My… My soulmate" Valery whispered.

His heart began to ache horribly as he looked over at Ulana.

Mara chuckled a little. Valery knew that this woman did not believe in soulmates. Her whole life had been fairly rough, to say the least. He was roused from his thoughts by light footsteps. The strong scent of tea must have roused Ulana, for she was now making her way to the table. Valery watched as Mara went to Ulana's side, helping her silently to the table. Ulana groans a little, her hand resting on her belly. Mara looks at her, examining her closely. Ulana sits back in the chair, gingerly rubbing the side of her belly. Ulana looked at Mara silently, studying the older woman. She did not know that Valery's neighbours were allowed to speak with him, let alone come into his apartment. Mara grinned a little already liking Ulana and they had yet to exchange even the simplest of hellos.

[sad-lad-posts]

A Ghost from the Past (Valana AU)

[letsriottogether]

Silence, part 4 (Chernobyl fanfic)

Can also be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19868920/chapters/47678032

Pairing: Valana, Ulana Khomyuk/Valery Legasov Characters: Ulana Khomyuk, Valery Legasov, Boris Scherbina, KGB Charkov, Sasha the Cat Warning: Strong language for now, who knows what will be later *hysterical laughter*

Big thank you for all comments and kudos/likes. And one special one to @dank-hp--memes for keeping up with my freaking out, calmly checking my Czech English and not killing me in the process. ________________________________

Moscow, present time He stirs in his sleep, turns from one side to another. Sasha is too annoyed, as she wants her peace for sleeping. She already gave up hours ago and went to the living room, most likely finding a comfortable spot on the sofa.

That's the tricky thing with the human mind. You can keep it occupied during the day as much as you want, push all the unwatned thoughts away as you practiced god knows how many times. But when the night comes, when darkness swallows you and your stupid little barriers you built up to stay sane, you have to face the reality of your own thoughts.a

During the day, there were many things Valery Legasov had to deal with. The agents who did not even bother with hiding themselves, the loneliness, the loss of his name, of normal life, of any possible projects he could ever work on, of his friends and Boris, the loss of...

He forbade himself to speak her name out loud. But his mind and soul are against him, whispering it in quiet moments, bringing the memories back instead of dreams.

 Pripyat, Polissya hotel, 2.5. 1986

Boris’ words still echo through him, the realization hitting him hard, that even though they were sent here as the chosen ones to solve this mess, their government didn’t trust them anyway. He felt almost offended for a moment. He was here, here, in the middle of nowhere with bloody reactor melting down, without any chance to say no (he knew that right after Scherbina’s phone call that first day) and most likely with zero chance to make it out of here with higher life expectancy than 5 years.

He’s standing at the edge of the stairs leading to the hotel they’re staying in. Hotel, that just a day ago was bursting with life, just like the city around him. He inhales the crisp spring air, it’s gotten a bit cooler after the sunset. He takes a look around and cannot help but feel almost in a weird dream. The street lamps are shining throughout the whole city, but all the windows in the houses are dark. Cars parked along the streets, at some places there is even laundry on the balconies, simply waiting for anyone to come, fold it and put it back into the wardrobe, where it belongs. Except that no one is ever coming back to these homes. There’s this weird heavy silence, only the wind is whispering in the trees. A chill runs down his spine, so he turns around and enters the hotel lobby.

The carpet swallows every sound of his shoes as he walks further towards the reception. Now he misses the natural sound of the wind because inside, there’s nothing. Only sometimes buzzing of the lights. He passes big glass door and sees Ulana sitting at the empty bar, all by herself, deep in thought, scribbling something on the yellow napkins.

He’s not entirely sure if it’s her or if it’s the urge not to be alone right now. It doesn’t matter, he strides with his long steps until he’s right at her, gingerly leaning against the bar. There’s a bottle of vodka and two glasses right in front of her, which surprises him. Has she been expecting him to come?

He can feel her shift her attention from the scribbles underneath her hands to him, but he doesn’t dare to look her in the eyes, not just yet. She tilts her head down again, pen still in motion. He actually welcomes the possibility of a drink, so he takes one of the glasses and reaches for the bottle, as she gestures with an almost unnoticeable motion for him to go ahead, neither of them saying a word. It feels weird to call her ‘comrade Khomyuk’, and Ulana seems familiar. For some reason, he knows making this woman angry could be fatal, even more than looking into a reactor core.

He pours himself one and notices for the first time that the glasses are bigger than the ones the waitress served him yesterday. Good. He pours himself one, puts the bottle back and turns his body to her, the smell of lilies attracting him much more than he would like to admit. Suddenly she has mercy and is the one to break the silence, never even bothering with his name. Maybe she was contemplating the same, just like him?

“You’ve seen that?” her voice is almost monotonous, pushing a piece of paper with all sorts of readings and numbers to him and focusing on her equations again.

“The fuel is melting faster than we expected,” her voice softens and gives away her exhaustion.

He doesn’t need to see the bloody paper again, he still has all the important numbers in front of his eyes, as he was reading it over and over again since he was handed this report. He turns his back to the white paper as if it would disappear if he would ignore it long enough. But that’s not how the world know. And science? With science, you can do all sorts of estimates and then the reality is different. In this case, much faster.

“I know. I have a plan,” he replies glancing for a moment at her, leaning with his back against the bar. The half-empty glass lays casually in his hand, as if they were just a man and a woman in any normal bar, anywhere else in the world, chatting about things a man and a woman can chat about.

“Heat exchanger, I hope,” He knows this unperturbed tone very well, as he’s using it with his students from time to time, awaiting their solution of the problem that is more than apparent. It irritates him as if she knew the solution all along and impatiently has been waiting for him to pick up the speed with her.

“Yes,” he says, stressing that one word maybe too much. But he cannot help it, this woman is driving him mad. Ever since she first stumbled into the room with Pikalov right back at her, out of his breath, there was something in her that kept him on his toes. She was there, in the back of his mind and he would find his mind curiously wandering to her throughout the day. She was smart, there was no doubt about it. And the way she acted, all sure and confident, it was impossible to dismiss her, and God knows what a shame it would be. She had a mouthful of what to say, it was apparent, and yet she did not waste words, going straight to the point.

He glances over her shoulder, turning his body to her, the sweet light scent of lilies hitting his nostrils again. He doesn’t know it yet, but this smell has already burnt deep into his memory, connecting her presence with it. Yet now he forcefully pushes it aside, concentrating on the formulas and calculations she put together. Why the hell did she not get a notebook? Since when did people stop writing their names and phone numbers on napkins and switched to nuclear physics equations?

One glance and she doesn’t fail the impression she built herself. Oh, she’s good. Already thinking ahead, asking the same question just like him. He feels almost proud, knowing he thinks in the same patterns as she does. A tiny smile appears for a moment on his lips

“There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you, comrade, but I see you’re already asking yourself the same question,” his eyes wander back and forth from her face back to the napkins, until she puts her glasses down and finally looks at him. His heart skips a beat, he has no idea why. He’s just glad the vodka has finally started to kick in, as her blue eyes glue themselves to him.

“Why did it explode?” He only nods in response, his gaze curiously exploring her face. The tired eyes that hide the hunger for truth, small wrinkles around her witty mouth (and he wonders what she looks like when she smiles), the dark auburn hair in contrast to her porcelain skin. With these looks, no wonder she’s so cold and hard. Their male colleagues must have been hard on her. She’s a beautiful woman now, he doesn’t even want to know how she looked a few years ago (and yet he knows this thought will occupy his mind in the upcoming days, in order to ease the stress of the task he’s here to do). And her smart brain to make the combination deadly.

“I’ve worked the numbers over and over, presuming the worst possible conditions in an RBMK reactor. And I always get the same answer,” Her eyes don’t leave this, not even for a single moment, as the air gets thicker around them. Not only she has a sharp tongue, these two orbs tell a story of their own.

“Which is?” he whispers, already knowing the answer.

“It’s not possible,”

“And yet…” he shakes his head a bit, his mind going through the possible things that could have gone wrong that fateful night.

“You’re not going to solve this here,” he says and the way she drops her gaze down, he can tell she’s holding her breath, suddenly looking up at him through her eyelashes, ready to fight him if he would want to send her away. He moves closer and her body responses on her own, shifting towards him immediately.

“Not on paper,” she can feel herself relax again. He’s got more to say, but she already knows the most important thing - she’s part of this and he understands that, appreciates that and doesn’t intend to dismiss her help.

“Everyone who was in the control room, Dyatlov, Akimov, Toptunov. They’re all in Moscow, Hospital Nr. 6,” he watches her closely as he speaks, seeing the spark in her eyes setting up a fire, a hunger for the chase to find out the truth. “We need to find out exactly what happened that night. Moment by moment, decision by decision,” and he knows she’s the only person who he can trust, who won’t miss a single hesitation of the personnel. And at the same time wonders how it happened that he trusted this woman so quickly without any doubt.

“Go now, while they’re still alive, talk to them. Because if we don’t find out how this happened, it will happen again,” he gulps down the rest of his vodka, the acrid taste of alcohol spreading in his mouth.

She’s deep in thought, already going through a list of questions she must not skip, of the clothes and protection she mustn’t forget (as if it would make any difference after being here). His voice is hoarse when he speaks again, turned into a whisper:

“And Khomyuk… Be careful,” he says, remembering the whole conversation with Boris earlier. Because as much as Ulana is smart, he cannot help but feel there’s certain naivety in how this world, their world, works. He gives her one last glance and decides it is better to go to his room, the vodka seeping more and more through his system, while her eyes are burning to his soul. He needs her to find the truth, that’s correct, but he also cannot help but feel relieved that she won’t be here, that she might live a bit longer. One life that he might not waste away here, and there’s the small little feeling hiding inside of him, spreading warmth that it’s her life he gets to save. He decides it’s just the alcohol, for the sake of their situation. There’s no place for this, as much as he’d like to know how soft her hair would be under his touch.

He walks briskly to the elevator, suppressing the need to turn around and look at her one more time (what would he say, anyway?) and mutters a silent thank you when the elevator bell rings and the door open at once. When inside, he presses his forehead against the lining of the cabin. So much for his curiosity about Ulana Yuriyevna Khomyuk.

It’s well past midnight when he finally gives up on trying to fall asleep. For the last two hours, he was just restlessly rolling around in his bed, every now and then taking a gulp from the bottle of vodka he placed on his nightstand. It seemed like a good idea, or at least he hoped that the alcohol would cloud his mind enough to help him fall asleep. He sighs and rubs his face in frustration, finally giving up. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed, getting up in a swift motion. He turns on the lamp on the bedside table so he’s able to search for his pack of cigarettes, finding it completely empty. Great.

He could talk himself down, wait for the morning and have a cigarette then when he picks up a new pack downstairs. But he simply needed one now.

And it’s definitely not because the smell of cigarettes helps him get the scent of lilies, reminding him of her, out of his mind. Because it’s not working anyway.

He puts on his jacket, not even bothering to change out of his sleeping clothes. The light in the hallway is hurting his eyes, almost blinding him. He makes his way downstairs, determined to get himself a new fresh pack of cigarettes when he sees her. She’s no longer stooping over her notes, she’s just sitting there, with her back to the bar, looking into the distance. She doesn’t even notice the elevator ring. He’s taken aback, he did not expect anyone to be here at this hour, suddenly being aware of the clothes he’s wearing. His gaze fixates on her, she’s sitting straight, almost like in school, but there’s that elegance and greatness shining from her posture. Her right leg is swinging lightly in the air, the rest of her body staying still. He studies her face for a moment, her expression showing she’s lost deep in thought. He’s glad she didn’t notice him yet, as he still remembers the intense look in her blue eyes. He ponders for a moment if he should just go back to his room, but then something breaks in him. He needs to take the step outside of his comfortable bubble. Maybe this might be the first one.

He makes his way over to the bar, just like a few hours ago. She notices him in the corner of her eye, a small smile spreading on her lips. Is this woman ever surprised? He reaches down on the counter, blindly searching before his fingers grasp the familiar box. He pops himself up on the barstool next to her, searching for lighter in his pocket before lighting a cigarette, staring at the sight of the empty city in front of them just like her.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asks, his voice raspy. She chuckles and looks at her hands, joined in her lap.

“Too many things happening, too many questions inside my hand. Too many things I’m going over and over in my head, reminding myself I mustn’t forget them,”

“Such as?” he puffs out the blue cloud of cigarette smoke. He can feel that the atmosphere between them has changed. He doesn’t know whether it’s the lack of sleep, the late-night hour or something else. But now it’s so much easier just to talk to her, and he can say she feels the same.

“Calling my colleagues that I have no idea when I’m coming back. What safety protection to bring to the hospital with me. What questions to ask the men from the control room. What to tell them if they ask how are the others doing,” she starts naming all the things whirling in her head, her voice trailing off, realising she could never be able to name all of it. She finally turns to him, eyeing him from head to toe.

“Do you always dress so fancy when going out, comrade?” she is amused and for the first time, he sees her smile properly, even though her question is confusing him.

“You think I’m taking a walk outside?” he asks, one of his eyebrows shifting up.

“I don’t know, I thought you would be the type,” she waves her hand in an indefinite gesture. She turns around, pouring both him and herself a shot, pushing the full glass to him.

“You guessed right, but not tonight. Normally when I can’t sleep I do go out, enjoy the empty streets, observing the sleeping city… I’m sorry, I’m babbling, don’t mind me,” he quickly ends his sentence, gulping the rest of his vodka, surprised at how easily the words left his lips.

“No, don’t apologize. It’s actually nice to have a conversation about something else than melting reactors for a moment, as ridiculous as it might seem,” she replies, finishing her glass as well. Blimey, she loves having around someone who can catch up with the thoughts that fly inside her brain at the speed of light. This fact has made the grim circumstances under they’ve met a bit less overwhelming. He would test her every now and then, just like she would do with him, pushing each other for better result. They’ve been doing that ever since the discussion about the bubble poolers.

But now, she simply wanted to talk about life for a moment, not about the dangerous dance to prevent death. Her determination isn’t gone, oh no, but she realizes that if she wants to make it through this hell without going crazy, she will need to talk, to share, not to hold it back inside of her. And somehow she feels he might be able to understand much more than her words.

Today when she visited the site of the blown-up reactor, she had a weak moment, not believing her own eyes. The readings of the result she performed from the dust on her lab’s window back in Minsk were terrifying, of course, but seeing the reactor building torn apart, black smoke coming out of it... Oh god, what have they done. She couldn’t help but notice Legasov watching her that whole time, reading the expression written all over her face. When she turned to look at him, she was expecting to see a sneer, but instead, his eyes were soft, full of understanding. In that very moment, she knew he felt the same when he arrived here. And seeing the same look mirroring in her face calmed him in a strange way.

He turns to her, takes the glass out of her hand, pouring them another shot. He decides to ignore the one is not such a good idea.

“When I can’t sleep, I usually go to the lab and just work, do some experiments, or just clean the beakers. This means I spend at work much more nights than I’m normally willing to admit myself, not even mentioning what about my colleagues,” she chuckles, remembering Dimitri catching her sleeping on Saturday. She takes a sip, the alcohol burning in her throat. She can pretend her skin is burning because of the same reason and dismiss the ridiculous feeling in her stomach after he took her glass from her hands. And she thought that puberty was long gone.

“Well, I’m sorry that there’s no lab here for you to hide in,” he smiles at her, eyes twinkling just a little. Is this how Valery Legasov is with women under regular circumstances or is it the vodka talking? Would he be like that if she met him someplace in Moscow?

“It’s ok, I can make peace with whatever is offered,”

“Even an empty hotel with few guarding soldiers, a grumpy party man and a scientist? Of course, the radiation is just a bonus,” he tries to joke but knows he failed miserably, only reminding them of the reason they’re here in the first place. But her reaction surprises him. She turns to him, places her hand over his wrist in a reassuring gesture, soft smile sprawled on her lips.

“Even that. I like my silence, and if I need to break it, now I know to whom should I go to,” her hand lingers on his for a brief moment longer and he realizes he’s holding his breath. He shifts his gaze from her blue orbs down to where they’re touching and she briskly moves her hand away. It was a simple gesture, and yet it felt like so much more.

She coughs a little, trying to find her voice again. “How is Moscow this time of year, anyway?”

He welcomes the sudden change of topic, as it helps him to focus on something else, needn’t worry what would be his next steps, or if it was even appropriate. Change of subject, how clever, saving them both.

“Typical spring. I would say it’s a bit warmer than here and a bit sunnier. I think you will love it,” he says, in his mind going back his past week in Moscow. Of course, he doesn’t spend much time outside. Usually, he’s in the institute, but he likes to observe and sometimes take a walk in the evening.

“Any places I should visit?” she asks as if she was going there for a vacation, knowing that most of the time she will be locked up in the hospital, listening to the voices of dying man. But she simply needs to pretend, at least in this moment.

“Khomyuk... Ulana… I was serious earlier in the evening,” he whispers urgently, suddenly frustrated and turns to face her. His forehead is wrinkled as he worriedly frowns at her. The use of her first name surprises her and gives her courage.

“I’m not a child Valery, nor a naive person. I know I’m going there to collect as much information as possible about a thing that’s classified and that most likely there will be people who won’t want me to know,” she says, head held high, as if she was already defending herself to some KGB agent. Where does she take so much inner strength and determination from? He tilts his head backwards and exhales.

“If anything should happen, anything, tell them you’re with me. Promise me that,” he keeps on insisting. There is a battle going on in her. It’s been a long time since someone acted so protectively over her she almost forgot how nice it can feel. But on the other hand, it was making her a bit irritated. She’s a grown-up woman for god’s sake, she’s been able to take care of herself up until now. But the look in Valery’s eyes shows how much this small promise means to him, so she decides to grant him this pleasure and nods.

Silence falls upon them again, when a clock somewhere at the reception starts ringing, announcing the late hour.

“I’m gonna go sleep now,” she says, sliding down the barstool and he follows her example. He grabs the napkins with her calculations and hands them to her. She smiles gratefully and puts them into a pocket of her sweater.

Once upstairs before they part ways to enter their rooms, he suddenly stops, walks over to her, leaning at her door frame.

“Will you lend me that pen of yours and one of the napkins?” he asks. She stops and thinks for a moment, not sure where this is heading. Is he going to check her calculations now? He could do it tomorrow morning during breakfast. She really needs to get some sleep, but gives them to him anyway.

He swiftly scribbles something down, napkin pressed up against the wall. And then she realizes - an address, his address. He turns back to her and returns her the napkin and pen.

“Third floor. My neighbour on the same floor, Alina Markina has a spare key. Feel free to stay there if you’d like, I bet it might be more comfortable than a hotel. And hopefully, it won’t be bugged yet. My cat could also use some company,” he knows he’s rambling now, saying too much unnecessary information and forcefully stops himself. She looks curious, interested even, he was expecting her to be dismissive, to be honest. And his hand suddenly lives in its own, softly caressing her cheek. She’s staring at him, those magnificent blue eyes glued to his, her lips slightly parted.

“Stay safe, Ulana,” he whispers and takes his hand back, his palm and fingers burning from where her his skin met hers.

And then just as suddenly as the moment appeared, it is gone just like the tension.

“Thank you, Valery,” she smiles up at him and opens the door to her room, flashing him one last look before disappearing inside. A warm feeling starts spreading through his body, and this time it’s not the alcohol. It’s something much more simple yet complicated at the same time. It’s happiness.

This time sleep finds him almost immediately.

“Goodnight, Ulana,”

Moscow, present

He wakes with her name on his lips, and as if only the act of saying it out loud makes him realize she won't be able to hear him ever again.

Let her be safe, please.

[caitstandsforcaitlyn]

The cost of truth

Series: Chernobyl - HBO Word count: 2146 Time of reading: 8 minutes Song recomended: Vichnaya Pamyat

Writter notes: Please keep in mind that my first language isn’t english, so if you find a grotesque error, please notify me so I can correct.

Repost is forbidden.

__________________________________________________________

       - … That is how a nuclear reactor explodes. Lies.

       That single phrase was able to shock the entire court, driving them mute for several minutes before the judge finally close the section for that day, wishing that he hadn’t listen to comrade Shcherbina, he should never had left Legasov finish his testimony. It was embarrassing and shameful, not to mention the amount of state secrets that this mere scientist just spread to the public. Many mouths would have to be shut after today, starting by Legasov’s.

       At the end of the section, the judge was the first person to disappear among the mass of people leaving the court.

       While Legasov was busy gathering all his evidence and material used to explain everything, Shcherbina’s eyes wouldn’t leave him, for not even the deputy could believe he actually said those words, he actually had the courage to call the state a liar. But wasn’t exactly this what Khomyuk wanted him to do? And Boris agreed with it in the end. For he knew Legasov was a brave man. He was one of the few who willingly entered an open reactor. They both had swim too far to simply die on the beach. Of course he knew all fault would be assigned to Legasov, once he was the specialist and the very person to call out the government. But they had to hear those words coming from his mouth for this very purpose. He was the specialist.

       As Khomyuk rose from her seat and walk towards Legasov to accompany him out, a not-so-strange face approached Boris, followed by his partner. The agent who was following him everywhere looks more serious than ever.

       Shcherbina’s stare met Legasov’s concerned one, only to calm both him and Khomyuk. As they took their leave, the agent stared seriously at the deputy.

       - I do believe you are aware of the measures we shall take now. – He wasn’t asking. Maybe that man was only following orders from above, given in case of Valery saying something he shouldn’t. Of course Shcherbina knew that the KGB had already predicted that.

       But whatever reaction that man hoped to pull out from the deputy, he wasn’t going to get it, for Boris stood motionless as a rock. He didn’t said a word or even moved, just stood there staring back at the man. He could imagine what would be their course of action now: arresting Legasov and interviewing Khomyuk and himself, plus twisting everything they three said until something acceptable come out of it.

       After a long time of silence the deputy raised an eyebrow at both of the men.

       - If I’m not getting arrested, I suggest you both excuse me. – He walked between the agents, heading to the exterior of the building.

       Many people were already gone, for Chernobyl was nothing more than a sign of disease and danger now, even far away from the power plant. Outside he would find four agents surrounding Khomyuk, while Valery was nowhere to be seen.

       Shcherbina was a layman in many subjects, but there were two things he understand  way too well: The government and the KGB. Soon as the agents spotted him, the group approached and no words needed to be said. They were both escorted into a small room on the lower floor of the court and then left alone with the door closed and – probably – guards outside.

       Almost one hour passed and both the professor and the deputy remain in silence, dealing with the guilt that ate them alive.

       - Comrade… - Khomyuk broke the silence, but her voice was low, as if she was scared of being heard. What probably was happening. – What do you think

       - I don’t know. – He was quick to answer, but not because he didn’t knew, only because he didn’t want to think about it. – We can only hope that Charkov come talk to us first.

       Khomyuk kept that worried stare and every minute of silence only made the tension grow. Until the door was open and the familiar short man entered the room. Boris took a deep breath at the second he saw Charkov, followed by a sigh of relief that only Khomyuk heard. He noticed the moment when Ulana intended to rise from her chair, but he immediately held her wrist beneath the table, stopping her from doing it; And his stare was enough for her to know he was going to do talk for both of them, or at least that he had a plan.

       - I do believe you know in what kind of trouble professor Legasov got himself into this time. – Charkov had his hands held behind his back, and his serious stare fixed on the deputy.

       - I do understand that he overdid himself, comrade. – At the second those words came out from Boris mouth, Ulana stared at him with furious eyes.

       - And you do understand that I must follow the protocol and shoot him.

       - Shoot him?! – She couldn’t just sit and watch while Shcherbina negotiated Valery’s life. – For what crime? For knowing more than you’d like him to?

       - Khomyuk. – The deputy called her attention the first time.

       - As if not enough the amount of secrets that you kept from the people, leading to this disaster, you now want to murder the very man who tried to save what left of our dignity?!

       - KHOMYUK! – Shcherbina’s shout finally made her stop and stare at him. – Would you be kind enough to shut up?!

       If Charkov was surprised by Shcherbina’s aggressiveness, he didn’t let it show. The man simply stared at Ulana, as the sentimental creature that he considered her to be. And then turning his gaze to the deputy, who seemed to magically recover from his burst.

       - Comrade Charkov, I do understand the need of keeping the state at safe from his speech coming into public. But I also know your men will do an excellent job to prevent this from happening.

       The vice-president only stared at the deputy with his shark eyes. Always looking for a flaw, although Shcherbina hardly would give him anything to work with, they were both well trained man.

       - Legasov is now a name that the entire world knows. “The one soviet scientist that tells the truth.” – He reminded about the title in the foreign newspapers. – Shooting him after everything the world heard in Viena won’t make sense, it might even open a door to the Americans doubt us even more.

       - Are you suggesting that he should walk away unpunished, comrade? – Charkov was fast to use the only flaw that he found on Shcherbina’s speech.

       - Under no circumstance. – At every word of his, Ulana disgust only grows. But she hardly could see that he was trying to protect all of them, much as he could. – He must face the consequences of the things he choose to say today, but I don’t believe to be necessary such strong  action.

       A quick moment of silent took place in the small room while Charkov considered the words of the deputy.

       - He shall be removed from his position at the Kurchatov institute. – He declared with a firm tone, this time there was nothing none of them could say to change his decision. – None of his work will ever matter again, and any of the other scientists that were involved at Chernobyl’s case will be credited for his work. – There was no need for him to inform them of his decision, but he did anyway.

       The stare in Ulana’s eye told everything that Charkov needed to know to make his next line hurt the most. – He will become so immaterial to the world, that when his cancer finally kill him, no one will miss the man.

       Their shock was the maximum reaction that Charkov could expect, and while staring at Khomyuk with his emotionless eyes, he could notice that she was the only one who perceived the manner how he had just killed Legasov in a different way.

       - Wise decision, comrade. – Shcherbina was only shocked with the news of his friend’s disease, deep in his mind he had just saved Legasov’s life from ending too early.

       As Charkov left the room leaving the door open and the corridor clear for them to leave, Ulana took several minutes to finally rise from her chair.

       Of course Shcherbina would never understand how cruel was Charkov’s decision. To deny a scientist the credit to his own work was the same as killing them, crueler even, for this was not a way to kill their bodies, but their souls.

                                                                         -x-

       - You’re just a dying man who forgot himself. - Charkov didn’t needed to say this, Legasov already knew that he was aware of his condition. The only thing Charkov intended was to hurt the professor with his words.

       - I know who I am. And I know what I’ve done. - Legasov took a moment to think if it would be wise to say his next words, but in the end, this couldn’t be worse. - In a just world I would be shot for my lies. But not for this, not for the truth.

       - Scientists… And their idiot obsession with reasons.

       Legasov was already used to this kind of insult coming from the party’s men. His eyes only met the director’s when his voice went high.

       - When the bullet meet your skull, why would it matter? Why?

       What Charkov once heard about Legasov just became true, right in front of his eyes. He was naive, and his most dangerous weapon was his sharp tongue. This man wasn’t afraid of getting shot, for he was already dying. And a man who is not afraid of death doesn’t have much to hold on to.

       - No one is getting you shot, Legasov. The whole world saw you in Viena, it would be embarrassing to kill you now. And for what? Your testimony today will not be accepted by the state, it will not be disseminated in the press. It never happened. You will live for however long you have, but not as a scientist, not anymore. You will keep your title and your office, but no duties, no authority. No one will talk to you, no one will listen to you. Other man, lesser than, will receive credit for the things you have done. Your legacy is now their legacy. You will live long enough to see that.

       It was indeed simple as that. Charkov would erase him from history, but apparently not even that was enough to bend his spirit. He was sad about the end of his life as a scientist, but he wasn’t broken. And all Charkov wanted to ensure was that this man felt dead inside.

       - What role did Shcherbina played in this?

       This was the right question. As Legasov raised his eyes to face the director, Charkov knew that this was his pressure point.

                                 His friends.

       - None. He didn’t knew what I was going to say. - And indeed he might not know.

       - What role did Khomyuk played in this?

       - None. She didn’t know either.

       This man was so attached to those people, that it was almost a christmas gift to Charkov.

       - After all you’ve said and done today. It would be curious if you choose this moment to lie. - All he needed was a confirmation. That both Shcherbina and Khomyuk helped Legasov to reach the final text he spit on that trial. And he only needed a second to find a punishment to them all.

       - I’d think a man of your experience would know a lie when he hears one. - Legasov’s face was a golden ticket. He was so desperate to save his friends from getting a fate like his.

       - You will not meet or communicate with either one of them ever again. You will not communicate about Chernobyl with anyone ever again. You will become so immaterial to the world around you, that when you finally do die, it will be extremely hard to know that you ever lived at all.

       That was exactly what Charkov was looking for. A broken man who regret his entire existence.

       As Charkov took his leave, leaving the door open, his men already knew what to do. They escorted Legasov into the car and even though Shcherbina and Khomyuk were waiting next to the deputy’s car, he wasn’t even allowed to get close to them. He wasn’t going to address a word to them.

       The weight of his conscience would fall over him and consume all what was left of his spirit, and Boris wouldn’t be around to help him to stand; The KGB was going to ensure that. As Boris disease was going to consume him, and Legasov wouldn’t be around to take care of him.

                      In the end, Chernobyl did more than kill their bodies.

[djbcadventures]

19th Annual Bryan Awards - Acting Nominees

Writing and Directing, plus Technical Prizes can be found on @thebryanandsilvergarbage Page.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series: GAME OF THRONES (HBO) - Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen HOUSE OF CARDS (Netflix) - Robin Wright as President Claire Underwood KILLING EVE (BBC America) - Jodie Comer as Villanelle KILLING EVE (BBC America) - Sandra Oh as Eve Polastri OZARK (Netflix) - Laura Linney as Wendy Byrde THIS IS US (NBC) - Mandy Moore as Rebecca Pearson

Lead Actor in a Drama Series: BETTER CALL SAUL - Bob Odenkirk as Jimmy McGill (AMC) GAME OF THRONES - Kit Harington as Jon Snow (HBO) OZARK - Jason Bateman as Marty Byrde (Netflix) POSE - Billy Porter as Pray Tell (F/X) THIS IS US - Sterling K. Brown as Randall Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Milo Ventimiglia as Jack Pearson (NBC) Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: THE AFFAIR - Maura Tierney as Helen Solloway (Showtime) BETTER CALL SAUL - Rhea Seehorn as Kim Wexler (AMC) GAME OF THRONES - Gwendoline Christie as Brienne of Tarth (HBO) GAME OF THRONES - Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister (HBO) THIS IS US - Susan Kelechi Watson as Beth Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Chrissy Metz as Kate Pearson (NBC) Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: BETTER CALL SAUL - Jonathan Banks as Mike Ehrmantraut (AMC) GAME OF THRONES - Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jamie Lannister (HBO) GAME OF THRONES - Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Bobby Cannavale as Colin Belfast (Amazon Prime) HOUSE OF CARDS - Michael Kelly as Doug Stamper (Netflix)  SUCCESSION - Kieran Culkin as Roman Roy (HBO) THIS IS US - Justin Hartley as Kevin Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Chris Sullivan as Toby Damon (NBC) Younger Actress in a Drama Series or Limited Series: THE ACT - Joey King as Gypsy Rose Blanchard (Hulu) THE CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA - Kiernan Shipka as Sabrina Spellman (Netflix) GAME OF THRONES - Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark (HBO) GAME OF THRONES - Maisie Williams as Arya Stark (HBO) OZARK - Julia Garner as Ruth Langmore (Netflix) SHARP OBJECTS - Eliza Scanlan as Amma Crellin (HBO) Younger Actor in a Drama Series or Limited Series: THE CHI - Alex Hibbert as Kevin Williams (Showtime) THE CHI - Jacob Latimore as Emmett Washington (Showtime) GOTHAM - David Mazouz as Young Bruce Wayne (Fox) WHEN THEY SEE US - Asante Black as Young Kevin Richardson (Netflix) WHEN THEY SEE US - Caleel Harris as Young Anton McCray (Netflix) WHEN THEY SEE US - Jharrell Jerome as Korey Wise (Netflix)

Guest Actress in a Drama Series: AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE - Connie Britton as Vivien Harmon (F/X) AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE - Jessica Lange as Constance Langdon (F/X) GAME OF THRONES - Carice Van Houten as Melisandre (HBO) THE HANDMAID’S TALE - Cherry Jones as Holly (Hulu) HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER - Cicely Tyson as Ophelia Harkness (ABC) THIS IS US - Phylicia Rashad  as Carol Clarke (NBC) Guest Actor in a Drama Series: AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE - Dylan McDermott as Ben Harmon (F/X) BETTER CALL SAUL - Michael McKean as Chuck McGill (AMC) THE HANDMAID’S TALE - Bradley Whitford as Commander Joseph Lawrence (Hulu) HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER - Glynn Turman as Nate Lahey Sr. (ABC) POSE - Christopher Meloni as Dick Ford (F/X) THIS IS US - Michael Angarano as Nick Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Ron Cephas Jones as William (NBC)

Performance by a Cast in a Drama Series: Better Call Saul (AMC) Game of Thrones (HBO) Ozark (Netflix) Pose (F/X) Succession (HBO) This is Us (NBC) Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: BLACK-ISH - Tracee Ellis Ross as Dr. Rainbow Johnson (ABC) THE GOOD PLACE - Kristen Bell as Veronica Van Der Hooven (NBC) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Rachel Brosnahan as Miriam Maisel (Amazon) MOM - Allison Janney as Bonnie Plunkett (CBS) RUSSIAN DOLL - Natasha Lyonne as Nadia (Amazon) VEEP - Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer (HBO) Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: BARRY - Bill Hader as Barry (HBO) THE BIG BANG THEORY - Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper (CBS) BLACK-ISH - Anthony Anderson as Dre Johnson (ABC) BLACK MONDAY - Don Cheadle as Mo Monroe (Showtime) THE GOOD PLACE - Ted Danson as Michael (NBC) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Michael Douglas as Sandy Kominsky (Netflix) Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: FLEABAG - Olivia Colman as Godmother (Amazon Prime) GLOW - Betty Gilpin as Debbie Eagan (Netflix) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Marin Hinkle as Rose Weissman (Amazon Prime) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Alex Borstein as Susie (Amazon Prime) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Kate McKinnon as Various Characters (NBC) VEEP - Anna Chlumsky as Amy Brookheimer (HBO) Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: BARRY - Stephen Root as Monroe Fuches (HBO) BARRY - Henry Winkler as Gene Cousineau (HBO) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Tony Shalhoub as Abe Weissman (Amazon) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Kenan Thompson as Various Characters (NBC) UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT - Tituss Burgess as Titus Andromedon (Netflix) VEEP - Tony Hale as Gary Walsh (HBO) VEEP - Nathan Simons as Jonah Ryan (HBO) Younger Actress in a Comedy Series: ATYPICAL - Jenna Boyd as Paige Hardaway (Netflix) ATYPICAL - Bridgette Lundy-Paine as Casey Gardner (Netflix) BLACK-ISH - Marsai Martin as Diane Johnson (ABC) CASUAL - Tara Lynne Barr as Laura Meyers (Hulu) MODERN FAMILY - Aubrey Anderson-Emmons as Lily Tucker-Pritchett (ABC) MODERN FAMILY - Ariel Winter as Alex Dunphy (ABC) Younger Actor in a Comedy Series: ATYPICAL - Keir Gilchrist as Sam Gardner (Netflix) BLACK-ISH - Marcus Scribner as Andre Johnson Jr. (ABC) MODERN FAMILY - Rico Rodriguez as Manny Delgado (ABC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Pete Davidson as Various Characters (NBC) SHAMELESS - Cameron Monaghan as Ian Gallagher (Showtime) YOUNG SHELDON - Iain Armitage as Sheldon Cooper (CBS) Guest Actress in a Comedy Series: THE BIG BANG THEORY - Christine Baranski as Beverly Hofstadter (CBS) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Ann-Margret as Diane (Netflix) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Jane Lynch as Sophie Lennon (Amazon Prime) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Rachel Brosnahan as Host/Various Characters (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Sandra Oh as Host/Various Characters (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Emma Thompson as Host/Various Characters (NBC)

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: BROOKLYN NINE-NINE - Lin-Manuel Miranda as David Santiago (NBC) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Danny DeVito as Dr. Wexler (Netflix) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Luke Kirby as Lenny Bruce (Netflix) MOM - Bradley Whitford as Mitch (CBS) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Matt Damon as Host/Various Characters (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Robert DeNiro as Robert Mueller (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Adam Sandler as Host/Various Characters (NBC)

Performance by a Cast in a Comedy Series: Barry (HBO) The Big Bang Theory (CBS) black-ish (ABC) The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Amazon Prime) Saturday Night Live (NBC) Veep (HBO)  

Lead Actress in a Limited Series/Movie: DEADWOOD THE MOVIE - Paula Malcomson as Trixie (HBO) DIRTY JOHN - Connie Britton as Debra Newell (Bravo) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Patricia Arquette as Joyce “Tilly” Mitchell (Showtime) FOSSE/VERDON - Michelle Williams as Gwen Verdon (F/X) MANIAC - Emma Stone as Annie Landsberg (Netflix) SHARP OBJECTS - Amy Adams as Camille Preaker (HBO) Lead Actor in a Limited Series/Movie: CHERNOBYL - Jared Harris as Valery Legasov (HBO) DEADWOOD THE MOVIE - Ian McShane as Al Swearengen (HBO) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Benicio Del Toro as Richard Matt (Showtime) FOSSE/VERDON - Sam Rockwell as Bob Fosse (F/X) TRUE DETECTIVE - Mahershala Ali as Wayne Hays (HBO) A VERY ENGLISH SCANDAL - Hugh Grant as Jeremy Thorpe (BBC) Supporting Actress in a Limited Series/Movie: THE ACT - Patricia Arquette as Dee Dee Blanchard (Hulu) CHERNOBYL - Emily Watson as Ulana Khomyuk (HBO) FOSSE/VERDON - Margaret Qualley as Ann Reinking (F/X) KING LEAR - Emma Thompson as Goneril (Amazon Prime) MANIAC - Sally Field as Dr. Greta Mantleray (Netflix) SHARP OBJECTS - Patricia Clarkson as Adora Crellin (HBO) TRUE DETECTIVE - Carmen Egojo as Amelia Reardon (HBO) WHEN THEY SEE US - Vera Farmiga as Elizabeth Lederer (Netflix) Supporting Actor in a Limited Series/Movie: CATCH-22 - Kyle Chandler as Cathcart (Hulu) CATCH-22 - George Clooney as Scheisskopf (Hulu) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Paul Dano as David Sweat (Showtime) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Eric Lange as Lyle Mitchell (Showtime) FOSSE/VERDON - Norbert Leo Butz as Paddy Chayefsky (F/X) A VERY ENGLISH SCANDAL - Ben Whishaw as Norman Scott (BBC)

 Performance by a Cast in a Limited Series/Movie/Special: Deadwood the Movie (HBO) Escape from Dannemora (Showtime) Fosse/Verdon (F/X) Live in Front of a Studio Audience: All in the Family and The Jeffersons (ABC) Maniac (Netflix) Sharp Objects (HBO) When They See Us (Netflix) Lead Actress in Daytime: THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL - Jacqueline McInnes-Wood as Steffy Forrester-Spencer (CBS) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Kassie DePaiva as Eve Donovan (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Marci Miller as Abigail Deveraux (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Maura West as Ava Jerome (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Laura Wright as Carly Corinthos (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Eileen Davidson as Ashley Abbott (CBS) Lead Actor in Daytime: DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Tyler Christopher as Stefan DiMera (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Billy Flynn as Chad DiMera (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Drake Hogestyn as John Black (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Maurice Benard as Sonny Corinthos (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Jon Lindstrom as Dr. Kevin Collins & Ryan Chamberlain (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Peter Bergman as Jack Abbott (CBS) Supporting Actress in Daytime: THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL - Annika Noelle as Hope Logan (CBS) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Linsey Godfrey as Sarah Horton (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Martha Madison as Belle Black (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Tamara Braun as Dr. Kim Nero (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Vernee Watson as Stella Henry (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Beth Maitland as Traci Abbott (CBS) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Mishael Morgan as Hilary Curtis (CBS) Supporting Actor in Daytime: THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL - Wayne Brady as Dr. Reese Buckingham (CBS) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Eric Martsolf as Brady Black (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Greg Rikaart as Leo Stark (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Greg Vaughan as Eric Brady (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Max Gail as Mike Corbin (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Bryton James as Devon Hamilton (CBS) Younger Actress in Daytime: DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Olivia Rose Keegan as Claire Brady (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Victoria Konefal as Ciara Brady (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Hayley Erin as Kiki Jerome (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Chloe Lanier as Nelle Benson (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Eden McCoy as Josslyn Jacks (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Hunter King as Summer Newman (CBS) Younger Actor in Daytime: DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Lucas Adams as Tripp Dalton (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Casey Moss as J.J. Deveraux (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - William Lipton as Cameron Webber (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Garren Stitt as Oscar Nero-Quartermaine (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Zach Tinker as Fenmore Baldwin (CBS)

Guest Performer in Daytime: GENERAL HOSPITAL - Patricia Bethune as Nurse Mary Pat (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - James Read as Gregory Chase (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Chandra Wilson as Dr. Linda Massey and Sydney Val Jean (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Dominic Zamprogna as Dante Falconeri (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Thad Luckinbill as J.T. Hellstrom (CBS) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Shemar Moore as Malcolm Winters (CBS)

Performance By A Cast in a Daytime Soap: The Bold and the Beautiful (CBS) Days of Our Lives (NBC) General Hospital (ABC) The Young and the Restless (CBS)

Lead Actress in a New Series: BLACK MONDAY - Regina Hall as Dawn Towner (Showtime) GENTLEMAN JACK - Suranne Jones as Anne Lister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Julia Roberts as Heidi Bergman (Amazon) RUSSIAN DOLL - Natasha Lyonne as Nadia (Netflix) SALLY4EVER - Julia Davis as Emma (HBO) SALLY4EVER - Catherine Wheeler as Sally (HBO) Lead Actor in a New Series: BLACK MONDAY - Don Cheadle as Mo Monroe (Showtime) KIDDING - Jim Carrey as Jeff Pickles (Showtime) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Michael Douglas as Sandy Kominsky (Netflix) POSE - Billy Porter as Pray Tell (F/X) SUCCESSION - Brian Cox as Logan Roy (HBO) SUCCESSION - Jeremy Strong as Kendall Roy (HBO) Supporting Actress in a New Series: GENTLEMAN JACK - Gemma Jones as Aunt Anne Lister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Sissy Spacek as Ellen Bergman (Amazon) KIDDING - Judy Greer as Jill (Showtime) KIDDING - Catherine Keener as Deirdre (Showtime) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Susan Sullivan as Eileen (Netflix) POSE - Kate Mara as Patty Bowes (F/X)    Supporting Actor in a New Series: BLACK MONDAY - Andrew Rannells as Blair Pfaff (Showtime) GENTLEMAN JACK - Timothy West as Jeremy Lister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Bobby Cannavale as Colin Belfast (Amazon) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Alan Arkin as Norman Newlander (Netflix) A MILLION LITTLE THINGS - Romany Malco as Rome Howard (ABC) SUCCESSION - Kieran Culkin as Roman Roy (HBO) Guest Performer in a New Series: THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Danny DeVito as Dr. Wexler (Netflix) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Ann-Margret as Diane (Netflix) POSE - Sandra Bernhard as Judy Kubrak (F/X) POSE - Clark Jackson as Mr. Richards (F/X) POSE - Christopher Meloni as Dick Ford (F/X) RUSSIAN DOLL - Chloe Sevigny as Lenora Vulkovov (Netflix) Performance By a Cast in a New Series: The Cast of Black Monday (Showtime) The Cast of Gentleman Jack (HBO) The Cast of Kidding (Showtime) The Cast of A Million Little Things (ABC) The Cast of Pose (F/X) The Cast of Succession (Showtime)

[popopodogrev]

Need help with Chernobyl fic!

So, I am translating my fic about Valery Legasov x Ulana Khomyuk from Russian to English and I want to ask, is there anybody who might beta the thing? I would really appreciate the help!

[thebryanandsilvergarbage]

The 19th Annual Bryan Awards - Acting Nominees

Lead Actress in a Drama Series: GAME OF THRONES (HBO) - Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen HOUSE OF CARDS (Netflix) - Robin Wright as President Claire Underwood KILLING EVE (BBC America) - Jodie Comer as Villanelle KILLING EVE (BBC America) - Sandra Oh as Eve Polastri OZARK (Netflix) - Laura Linney as Wendy Byrde THIS IS US (NBC) - Mandy Moore as Rebecca Pearson

Lead Actor in a Drama Series: BETTER CALL SAUL - Bob Odenkirk as Jimmy McGill (AMC) GAME OF THRONES - Kit Harington as Jon Snow (HBO) OZARK - Jason Bateman as Marty Byrde (Netflix) POSE - Billy Porter as Pray Tell (F/X) THIS IS US - Sterling K. Brown as Randall Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Milo Ventimiglia as Jack Pearson (NBC) Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: THE AFFAIR - Maura Tierney as Helen Solloway (Showtime) BETTER CALL SAUL - Rhea Seehorn as Kim Wexler (AMC) GAME OF THRONES - Gwendoline Christie as Brienne of Tarth (HBO) GAME OF THRONES - Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister (HBO) THIS IS US - Susan Kelechi Watson as Beth Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Chrissy Metz as Kate Pearson (NBC) Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: BETTER CALL SAUL - Jonathan Banks as Mike Ehrmantraut (AMC) GAME OF THRONES - Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jamie Lannister (HBO) GAME OF THRONES - Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Bobby Cannavale as Colin Belfast (Amazon Prime) HOUSE OF CARDS - Michael Kelly as Doug Stamper (Netflix)    SUCCESSION - Kieran Culkin as Roman Roy (HBO) THIS IS US - Justin Hartley as Kevin Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Chris Sullivan as Toby Damon (NBC) Younger Actress in a Drama Series or Limited Series: THE ACT - Joey King as Gypsy Rose Blanchard (Hulu) THE CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA - Kiernan Shipka as Sabrina Spellman (Netflix) GAME OF THRONES - Sophie Turner as Sansa Stark (HBO) GAME OF THRONES - Maisie Williams as Arya Stark (HBO) OZARK - Julia Garner as Ruth Langmore (Netflix) SHARP OBJECTS - Eliza Scanlan as Amma Crellin (HBO) Younger Actor in a Drama Series or Limited Series: THE CHI - Alex Hibbert as Kevin Williams (Showtime) THE CHI - Jacob Latimore as Emmett Washington (Showtime) GOTHAM - David Mazouz as Young Bruce Wayne (Fox) WHEN THEY SEE US - Asante Black as Young Kevin Richardson (Netflix) WHEN THEY SEE US - Caleel Harris as Young Anton McCray (Netflix) WHEN THEY SEE US - Jharrell Jerome as Korey Wise (Netflix)

Guest Actress in a Drama Series: AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE - Connie Britton as Vivien Harmon (F/X) AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE - Jessica Lange as Constance Langdon (F/X) GAME OF THRONES - Carice Van Houten as Melisandre (HBO) THE HANDMAID’S TALE - Cherry Jones as Holly (Hulu) HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER - Cicely Tyson as Ophelia Harkness (ABC) THIS IS US - Phylicia Rashad  as Carol Clarke (NBC) Guest Actor in a Drama Series: AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE - Dylan McDermott as Ben Harmon (F/X) BETTER CALL SAUL - Michael McKean as Chuck McGill (AMC) THE HANDMAID’S TALE - Bradley Whitford as Commander Joseph Lawrence (Hulu) HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER - Glynn Turman as Nate Lahey Sr. (ABC) POSE - Christopher Meloni as Dick Ford (F/X) THIS IS US - Michael Angarano as Nick Pearson (NBC) THIS IS US - Ron Cephas Jones as William (NBC)

Performance by a Cast in a Drama Series: Better Call Saul (AMC) Game of Thrones (HBO) Ozark (Netflix) Pose (F/X) Succession (HBO) This is Us (NBC) Lead Actress in a Comedy Series: BLACK-ISH - Tracee Ellis Ross as Dr. Rainbow Johnson (ABC) THE GOOD PLACE - Kristen Bell as Veronica Van Der Hooven (NBC) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Rachel Brosnahan as Miriam Maisel (Amazon) MOM - Allison Janney as Bonnie Plunkett (CBS) RUSSIAN DOLL - Natasha Lyonne as Nadia (Amazon) VEEP - Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer (HBO) Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: BARRY - Bill Hader as Barry (HBO) THE BIG BANG THEORY - Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper (CBS) BLACK-ISH - Anthony Anderson as Dre Johnson (ABC) BLACK MONDAY - Don Cheadle as Mo Monroe (Showtime) THE GOOD PLACE - Ted Danson as Michael (NBC) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Michael Douglas as Sandy Kominsky (Netflix) Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: FLEABAG - Olivia Colman as Godmother (Amazon Prime) GLOW - Betty Gilpin as Debbie Eagan (Netflix) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Marin Hinkle as Rose Weissman (Amazon Prime) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Alex Borstein as Susie (Amazon Prime) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Kate McKinnon as Various Characters (NBC) VEEP - Anna Chlumsky as Amy Brookheimer (HBO) Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: BARRY - Stephen Root as Monroe Fuches (HBO) BARRY - Henry Winkler as Gene Cousineau (HBO) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Tony Shalhoub as Abe Weissman (Amazon) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Kenan Thompson as Various Characters (NBC) UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT - Tituss Burgess as Titus Andromedon (Netflix) VEEP - Tony Hale as Gary Walsh (HBO) VEEP - Nathan Simons as Jonah Ryan (HBO) Younger Actress in a Comedy Series: ATYPICAL - Jenna Boyd as Paige Hardaway (Netflix) ATYPICAL - Bridgette Lundy-Paine as Casey Gardner (Netflix) BLACK-ISH - Marsai Martin as Diane Johnson (ABC) CASUAL - Tara Lynne Barr as Laura Meyers (Hulu) MODERN FAMILY - Aubrey Anderson-Emmons as Lily Tucker-Pritchett (ABC) MODERN FAMILY - Ariel Winter as Alex Dunphy (ABC) Younger Actor in a Comedy Series: ATYPICAL - Keir Gilchrist as Sam Gardner (Netflix) BLACK-ISH - Marcus Scribner as Andre Johnson Jr. (ABC) MODERN FAMILY - Rico Rodriguez as Manny Delgado (ABC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Pete Davidson as Various Characters (NBC) SHAMELESS - Cameron Monaghan as Ian Gallagher (Showtime) YOUNG SHELDON - Iain Armitage as Sheldon Cooper (CBS) Guest Actress in a Comedy Series: THE BIG BANG THEORY - Christine Baranski as Beverly Hofstadter (CBS) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Ann-Margret as Diane (Netflix) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Jane Lynch as Sophie Lennon (Amazon Prime) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Rachel Brosnahan as Host/Various Characters (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Sandra Oh as Host/Various Characters (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Emma Thompson as Host/Various Characters (NBC)

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: BROOKLYN NINE-NINE - Lin-Manuel Miranda as David Santiago (NBC) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Danny DeVito as Dr. Wexler (Netflix) THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL - Luke Kirby as Lenny Bruce (Netflix) MOM - Bradley Whitford as Mitch (CBS) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Matt Damon as Host/Various Characters (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Robert DeNiro as Robert Mueller (NBC) SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - Adam Sandler as Host/Various Characters (NBC)

Performance by a Cast in a Comedy Series: Barry (HBO) The Big Bang Theory (CBS) black-ish (ABC) The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Amazon Prime) Saturday Night Live (NBC) Veep (HBO)  

Lead Actress in a Limited Series/Movie: DEADWOOD THE MOVIE - Paula Malcomson as Trixie (HBO) DIRTY JOHN - Connie Britton as Debra Newell (Bravo) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Patricia Arquette as Joyce “Tilly” Mitchell (Showtime) FOSSE/VERDON - Michelle Williams as Gwen Verdon (F/X) MANIAC - Emma Stone as Annie Landsberg (Netflix) SHARP OBJECTS - Amy Adams as Camille Preaker (HBO) Lead Actor in a Limited Series/Movie: CHERNOBYL - Jared Harris as Valery Legasov (HBO) DEADWOOD THE MOVIE - Ian McShane as Al Swearengen (HBO) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Benicio Del Toro as Richard Matt (Showtime) FOSSE/VERDON - Sam Rockwell as Bob Fosse (F/X) TRUE DETECTIVE - Mahershala Ali as Wayne Hays (HBO) A VERY ENGLISH SCANDAL - Hugh Grant as Jeremy Thorpe (BBC) Supporting Actress in a Limited Series/Movie: THE ACT - Patricia Arquette as Dee Dee Blanchard (Hulu) CHERNOBYL - Emily Watson as Ulana Khomyuk (HBO) FOSSE/VERDON - Margaret Qualley as Ann Reinking (F/X) KING LEAR - Emma Thompson as Goneril (Amazon Prime) MANIAC - Sally Field as Dr. Greta Mantleray (Netflix) SHARP OBJECTS - Patricia Clarkson as Adora Crellin (HBO) TRUE DETECTIVE - Carmen Egojo as Amelia Reardon (HBO) WHEN THEY SEE US - Vera Farmiga as Elizabeth Lederer (Netflix) Supporting Actor in a Limited Series/Movie: CATCH-22 - Kyle Chandler as Cathcart (Hulu) CATCH-22 - George Clooney as Scheisskopf (Hulu) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Paul Dano as David Sweat (Showtime) ESCAPE FROM DANNEMORA - Eric Lange as Lyle Mitchell (Showtime) FOSSE/VERDON - Norbert Leo Butz as Paddy Chayefsky (F/X) A VERY ENGLISH SCANDAL - Ben Whishaw as Norman Scott (BBC)

 Performance by a Cast in a Limited Series/Movie/Special: Deadwood the Movie (HBO) Escape from Dannemora (Showtime) Fosse/Verdon (F/X) Live in Front of a Studio Audience: All in the Family and The Jeffersons (ABC) Maniac (Netflix) Sharp Objects (HBO) When They See Us (Netflix) Lead Actress in Daytime: THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL - Jacqueline McInnes-Wood as Steffy Forrester-Spencer (CBS) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Kassie DePaiva as Eve Donovan (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Marci Miller as Abigail Deveraux (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Maura West as Ava Jerome (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Laura Wright as Carly Corinthos (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Eileen Davidson as Ashley Abbott (CBS) Lead Actor in Daytime: DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Tyler Christopher as Stefan DiMera (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Billy Flynn as Chad DiMera (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Drake Hogestyn as John Black (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Maurice Benard as Sonny Corinthos (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Jon Lindstrom as Dr. Kevin Collins & Ryan Chamberlain (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Peter Bergman as Jack Abbott (CBS) Supporting Actress in Daytime: THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL - Annika Noelle as Hope Logan (CBS) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Linsey Godfrey as Sarah Horton (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Martha Madison as Belle Black (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Tamara Braun as Dr. Kim Nero (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Vernee Watson as Stella Henry (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Beth Maitland as Traci Abbott (CBS) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Mishael Morgan as Hilary Curtis (CBS) Supporting Actor in Daytime: THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL - Wayne Brady as Dr. Reese Buckingham (CBS) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Eric Martsolf as Brady Black (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Greg Rikaart as Leo Stark (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Greg Vaughan as Eric Brady (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Max Gail as Mike Corbin (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Bryton James as Devon Hamilton (CBS) Younger Actress in Daytime: DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Olivia Rose Keegan as Claire Brady (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Victoria Konefal as Ciara Brady (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Hayley Erin as Kiki Jerome (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Chloe Lanier as Nelle Benson (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Eden McCoy as Josslyn Jacks (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Hunter King as Summer Newman (CBS) Younger Actor in Daytime: DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Lucas Adams as Tripp Dalton (NBC) DAYS OF OUR LIVES - Casey Moss as J.J. Deveraux (NBC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - William Lipton as Cameron Webber (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Garren Stitt as Oscar Nero-Quartermaine (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Zach Tinker as Fenmore Baldwin (CBS)

Guest Performer in Daytime: GENERAL HOSPITAL - Patricia Bethune as Nurse Mary Pat (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - James Read as Gregory Chase (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Chandra Wilson as Dr. Linda Massey and Sydney Val Jean (ABC) GENERAL HOSPITAL - Dominic Zamprogna as Dante Falconeri (ABC) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Thad Luckinbill as J.T. Hellstrom (CBS) THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS - Shemar Moore as Malcolm Winters (CBS)

Performance By A Cast in a Daytime Soap: The Bold and the Beautiful (CBS) Days of Our Lives (NBC) General Hospital (ABC) The Young and the Restless (CBS)

Lead Actress in a New Series: BLACK MONDAY - Regina Hall as Dawn Towner (Showtime) GENTLEMAN JACK - Suranne Jones as Anne Lister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Julia Roberts as Heidi Bergman (Amazon) RUSSIAN DOLL - Natasha Lyonne as Nadia (Netflix) SALLY4EVER - Julia Davis as Emma (HBO) SALLY4EVER - Catherine Wheeler as Sally (HBO) Lead Actor in a New Series: BLACK MONDAY - Don Cheadle as Mo Monroe (Showtime) KIDDING - Jim Carrey as Jeff Pickles (Showtime) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Michael Douglas as Sandy Kominsky (Netflix) POSE - Billy Porter as Pray Tell (F/X) SUCCESSION - Brian Cox as Logan Roy (HBO) SUCCESSION - Jeremy Strong as Kendall Roy (HBO) Supporting Actress in a New Series: GENTLEMAN JACK - Gemma Jones as Aunt Anne Lister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Sissy Spacek as Ellen Bergman (Amazon) KIDDING - Judy Greer as Jill (Showtime) KIDDING - Catherine Keener as Deirdre (Showtime) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Susan Sullivan as Eileen (Netflix) POSE - Kate Mara as Patty Bowes (F/X)  Supporting Actor in a New Series: BLACK MONDAY - Andrew Rannells as Blair Pfaff (Showtime) GENTLEMAN JACK - Timothy West as Jeremy Lister (HBO) HOMECOMING - Bobby Cannavale as Colin Belfast (Amazon) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Alan Arkin as Norman Newlander (Netflix) A MILLION LITTLE THINGS - Romany Malco as Rome Howard (ABC) SUCCESSION - Kieran Culkin as Roman Roy (HBO) Guest Performer in a New Series: THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Danny DeVito as Dr. Wexler (Netflix) THE KOMINSKY METHOD - Ann-Margret as Diane (Netflix) POSE - Sandra Bernhard as Judy Kubrak (F/X) POSE - Clark Jackson as Mr. Richards (F/X) POSE - Christopher Meloni as Dick Ford (F/X) RUSSIAN DOLL - Chloe Sevigny as Lenora Vulkovov (Netflix) Performance By a Cast in a New Series: The Cast of Black Monday (Showtime) The Cast of Gentleman Jack (HBO) The Cast of Kidding (Showtime) The Cast of A Million Little Things (ABC) The Cast of Pose (F/X) The Cast of Succession (Showtime)

[hellotherepaula]

The Eerie Nostalgia of HBO’s Chernobyl

by Paula DuPont

Photo Source: HBO

“Nostalgia” isn’t quite the word to explain the feelings that bubble up watching Chernobyl, but I can’t put my finger on how to describe it. “Eerie,” at least, hits the mark. "Chilling,” too. And while I’m not experiencing the sentimental yearning of traditional nostalgia, I’m definitely feeling something as I watch these thoroughly Soviet characters interact against the backdrop of the Cold War in the 1980s.

Real talk, I was alive for the Chernobyl disaster. I don’t remember it, but not because I was too young to remember it, rather because I was too young to care about a disaster an entire world away in a place I had never heard of, full of people I was simplistically taught were the bad guys.

I was born at a peculiar intersection of Generation X and Millennials, old enough to have experienced the Cold War as both an abstract concept and a very real presence in everyday life. I knew Russians were the “enemy” because Communism was evil, but I didn’t know why or what Communism was, and I wasn’t particularly afraid of Russia.

Photo Source: HBO

At 20, I met a boy the same age as me who had fled Poland with his parents after his father, a farmer, had been imprisoned for six months by the Soviets for, as he told it, not using Party workers. He was four at the time. 

As an adult, my Polish friend didn’t seem to hold any particular animus against Russians, and we spent most of our time in each other’s company at 80s night at a local nightclub—the irony of which has only just become obvious to me—so that period can’t have traumatized him too badly. We were of an age that even for those of us who lived it first hand, Soviet Communism seemed abstract and unreal.

Which is why it’s easy to get lost in the window dressing of Chernobyl and feel that eerie nostalgia I referenced above.

Photo Source: HBO

The perms and belted shirt dresses on Jessie Buckley as Lyudmilla Ignatenko, the wife of firefighter Vasily Ignatenko, and Emily Watson as Ulana Khomyuk, a fictional Belarusian nuclear physicist, were familiar staples for my mother. I have a very clear image in my mind’s eye of my mom in a blue frock similar to something Emily Watson wears in the second episode, a dress with an open neck and wide lapels. My mom’s hair is about the color of Emily Watson’s, and she’s permed and styled it so it falls to just below her shoulders in loose curls, just like Emily Watson’s, too. 

This image in my mind comes from a photograph I took of my mother with a toy Kodak camera, less than a year after she bought our first home. We’d left my father about four years prior. In the photo, my mother is smiling, looks joyous. Though thinking back, I can’t imagine the burden she was under, taking care of me on her own, constantly staving off an abusive ex who would try time and again to win custody, caring for her own elderly mother who was in the middle stages of Alzheimer’s.

This was less than two years after the Chernobyl disaster and more than 18 months before the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Photo Source: HBO

But I didn’t know anything about that. I was enjoying our new home and our new backyard, the recent acquisition of both a bellwether for a puppy. He’s in the photo with my mom, too.

So I don’t recognize Chernobyl for the actual events I see playing out on my television, because I didn’t become aware of those until much later. I was familiar with the word “Chernobyl,” because you couldn’t be alive and aware at the time and not hear it said, but it sounded foreign to my tiny, American ears. There were far more interesting things to focus on, like that puppy I mentioned, and the kitten that was soon to follow, and Rainbow Brite, and the NES I was saving my birthday money for.

What feels so familiar about Chernobyl is everything else: the striped polyester ties worn by all of the party officials and by every deacon at the church we went to when I was six; the thick plastic rims of the aviator glasses worn by Jared Harris playing nuclear scientist Valery Legasov and by my uncle who was working in Mission Control at NASA during the same period; the laminate tabletops that mirror every surface I ate off of until I was 16; the thick, gold brocade upholstery that is so similar to the curtains that were already hanging in our house when we moved in, curtains that were nicer than anything we could afford and so were still hanging when we moved out over 10 years later.

Photo Source: HBO

I can smell Chernobyl, too, in those smoke-filled rooms where men discuss closing the roads and cutting the phone lines to “avoid spreading misinformation.” It smells like visits to my father’s house, the air thick with Winston 100′s cigarettes—though the men in Chernobyl are likely sipping vodka from shot glasses rather than Scotch whisky from cut tumblers.

I almost wrote that I’ve never experienced anything like the Chernobyl disaster, but I have, in my own way: I lived in New Orleans when the levees failed after Hurricane Katrina. Unlike the residents of Pripyat, Ukraine, the city nearest the Chernobyl plant, we were eventually able to return to our homes and our city, but for a time we thought we had lost everything, not just our houses and our belongings and even some friends, but lost New Orleans itself. So the immediate uncertainty, the evacuation, the sense of being lied to or at least not hearing the whole story, I recognize that, too. 

It all feels so familiar to me, so close, even though I’ve lived a life a world away. Every episode is accompanied by sickly waves of nostalgia; I am left dazed by the feeling of déjà vu.

Chernobyl does not exist only in the past, though. It is alive in the remembrance of those who died when men in power attempted to suppress the truth. It is alive in the minds of those who lived it, those who survived it, those who can never return.